Transcript of Giggling about mafia bosses, microplastics, and melatonin

Sup, gigglers? Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

What's up, my granola gigglers?

That's a good one.

I hear a dog in the background barking. Are you okay?

No, am I ever?

Are you under attack?

Probably.

I'm like, is he right there?

No, he's not. He's downstairs.

What makes him bark? Like, what are the things that get him going?

Oh God, people in hats.

Which is very you-coded. He's like, I hate that hat. I hate that hat.

Don't wear a hat around this guy.

Take off that hat.

People running swiftly. Any type of commotion, really. People with guns. Horses.

Who has he run into with guns?

On the TV.

Oh, he hates the TV.

Hates the TV. Anytime there's a ball on the TV and not in his mouth, upset. So you get why Kitty beats the shit out of him. Like, how are you? I'm good. Every time we get on the pod, I'm like, I haven't talked to you in so long. I literally—

that was Butter. Do you know why she did that? 'Cause I ordered sushi and it came right when Paige was like, I'm ready to eat. And my sushi's just gonna be sitting here the whole pod. And Butter knows something's up and she's not food motivated.

Don't take— don't, don't take a phrase I say off the pod and then use it on the pod. Me and Daphne were at a shoot today and they were like, oh my God, she's so well behaved. And I said, because she's not food motivated. And Hannah turned around and said, You could never tell by looking at her.

And then we press record. And I said, I am a little— I don't want to say jealous because I support women in the arts.

Totally.

I'm original catgirl.

Yes.

You're the face of Fancy Feast.

Yeah.

Sierra just came out. Jasper is the star. And let me say, Sierra is also OG catgirl. That's how Sierra and I initially connected, which, yeah, granted they cut a lot from Summer House, but that was one thing I was like, I get it, you don't need 45 minutes of us talking about our cat, right? So that— I respect that. Jasper's starring in a campaign, which I'm so proud of him for. He deserves it. He's gorgeous.

He's foot in the way.

Oh, speaking of the little devil, Butter, if you're watching YouTube, she's here. Butter, do you realize other cats are putting in hours? They're responding to emails. They're listening to what people say and actually they're a pleasant, pleasant person to be around on the job.

Daphne might want to go to an Ivy League. She needs to save her money.

No one's ever said you're pleasant to work with, Butter, because you're not. And you're only good around me and no one else. But if that's— you know what? Some cats aren't made for stardom.

And that's totally fine.

But she's so beautiful and people forget that every day. She looks like Cindy Crawford. That's Cindy Crawford. Wait, oh.

Wait, how sad that Cindy Crawford's son died.

He was only 27.

It like really affected me when I heard it.

I think it's because like he's— I was gonna say he's our age, but he's not.

It's—

no, when people who pass who are younger than you, it, it really fucked up.

Yeah, and I just feel like being— him being in rehab, it's like, that's even sadder because his family was probably like, okay, he's getting the help he needs, like, it's only up from here. And that— I just, I can't— I couldn't imagine that. And also, like, I couldn't— I can't imagine losing your only sibling at such a young age. And she's younger than him, I think.

You know, I think it's because both of us, we have one brother.

Yeah.

And he would speak up a lot about mental health. So like, I loved everything he was doing.

Yeah.

Knowing that he was going through something. Um, so yeah, it's just really fucked up.

It's really fucked up and really sad.

Ah, there's no way to transition.

How about we stay medical and I'll do a little UTI update?

Oh!

The Gigglers are always looking out for me. They're always tagging me in like new innovation for UTIs and all this stuff. And I haven't said anything because I didn't want to jinx myself, but next month I'm 1 year of no UTIs.

Do you think it was a— was there a psychic that you spoke to, or was there like a little— did you cut a cord or put something in a fridge? What do you think it is?

I think my own intuition was rejecting every man I've ever been with. One, I think my body was like, nope, not him, we'll let you know. Nope, not him. Definitely not him, we'll let you know. But then also I went to my doctor, my kinesiologist, to— I don't know if I've said his name before on the pod, but like, honestly, I kind of want to gatekeep him because I'm like, no, you just have to put in the work. I, I found him 10 years ago. Like, this is— I'm not trying to lose appointments. Um, but he put me on 2 supplements that just like— that honestly I don't even still take.

What are they?

One was like a cranberry supplement, but it was like double what the normal, I think, cranberry supplement is. And then the other one was Oregano, honey. I said, um, my mom could have cured this 20 years ago.

Low-key, when he said that to you, you were like, oh, you saw my last name is Asorbo and now you're giving me fucking oregano? Is this a joke? Is this a joke to you?

He was like, put a bay leaf in it, like it'll fix it.

No, he's like, did you sprinkle some Parmesan on your pussy? Get out of here.

Truly, I know I say this a lot, but it's truly life-changing.

Well, yeah, you were— you had chronic pain.

It was debilitating. And also, not even like when you were getting one, it's the anticipation of like when you're going. So like every time I traveled and I was like away from home, I was like, okay, I gotta make sure I have all my UTI stuff just in case one strikes. The only time I ever feel like a little hankering of a UTI is when I'm dehydrated.

Mm-hmm. Or whenever you don't want to go somewhere.

True.

I get a text and she goes, I feel like—

I feel it coming on.

I feel it might be coming on in the next year or two.

My mom made me stop drinking my Stanley because she said it's bad for me because your body is not supposed to drink anything cold. And so she's like, stop drinking your Stanley, drink room temperature water. So— and room temperature water is so gross. So honestly, I'm dehydrated all the time now.

Well, You can still drink from your Stanley, just don't put ice in it. That's what I do. But not because I am not drinking, it's because I don't— honestly, because my freezer's broken.

I feel like I can't fill up my Stanley and not put ice in it.

I've put ice in my Stanley like 3 times and it was too heavy.

It does get really heavy.

Also, if you're not drinking from your Stanley and then you can't drink from plastic because of microplastics or whatever, macroplastics, all the plastics, Then where are we supposed to drink from? The faucet? Like Taylor Frankie Paul?

No, the girls are going through it.

Everyone's mad that we said we were going to talk about the Mormon Housewives and we didn't. I finished it. Do you have any other thoughts besides the sweatpants? Apparently she's out. McKayla's out.

I knew McKayla was out. I didn't know Taylor Frankie Paul's out.

The Mormons are dropping like flies. But also, I don't, I don't trust anything right now. This is like, they don't know what they're doing yet with the show.

Was it you that told me that the— that Taylor Frankie Paul's mom was on the internet?

Like, she's doing full episode reviews being like, Taylor, are you for real? Are you for real, Taylor? Are you feeling for real?

Until TikTok became a thing, there's so many phrases and like situations that you've just like never heard of. And like, I always see the phrase like, oh, she— your mom was your first bully, or like, oh, this person's mom was their first bully, which is such a foreign concept to me because I couldn't imagine having that relationship with my mother. But I think that they're kind of a great example of it. Like, any episode I've watched with the mom with Taylor, I'm— there's so many times where I've wanted to go through the screen and be like, wait, but that's your daughter. Like, not that I have kids, I, I don't have to go that hard, but I know for a fact— if my child did the worst thing imaginable, I'm still on their side. That's my child.

The first scene is her being like, Mom, I have to take a pregnancy test. And the mom is so mad. And like, even just to say the word disappointed, like, fine, be disappointed as a parent, but to look your daughter in the eye and be like, I'm disappointed in you. Also, because we learned that Taylor's mom was in her own like abusive relationship, and I think she's seeing it again with Taylor. So there's honestly— the truth is this show is so good because it's so real. They plucked these girls from TikTok. They were just a chaotic friend group plus some added people for casting, and it's raw. These people are not, you know, never claimed to be mentally healthy. Yeah, everyone combusted. Everyone's been tanning combusted. She is the victim of serious religious trauma. I mean, even Macy, she got pregnant at like 19, and instead of like— the shame she must have felt, and then the trauma of losing him. Also, everyone's getting married, everyone's pregnant. How can you think straight when you're always pregnant?

And then Michaela, who was abused and then got pregnant at 16, it's like, okay, wait, but you're— you're— you were still a child then.

Yeah.

And then Jen and her husband—

Jen is 26 right now.

No.

Her brain just fully formed. She woke up and she's like, where am I?

People are really mad at Jen for this past season for multiple reasons. And as someone who doesn't know Jen and is not in their friend group, I think I— we can like see different things as the viewer. One, she's in—

she's in a She got her pink back. I got my pink back, pink back, pink back.

Like, she's obviously so visibly jealous of Whitney. She wants to be doing the things that Whitney is doing, and she—

But she was so complimentary of her. She didn't once shade her.

Yeah, well, but she was like picking a fight with her, whatever. Then that could be just like producers being like, but don't you still have beef with her? Like, we need a storyline type of vibe. I just think it's so important to recognize people in your friend group who genuinely hate their lives because it impacts— like, and I feel like I've called you so many times after being on the phone with a friend and like said to you things they've said to me, and you've said back to me like, okay, but Paige, she hates her life. Like, her— like, you know, like, she's not happy, so like, how could she be happy for you type of vibe?

That's when I say, baby, I have empathy for them.

Jen is a classic case of she was sold this idea of what her life was going to be when she was like 20-fucking-one, and now she's 26, she's 4 kids deep. Yeah, how is she digging herself out of that hole to like have a different life that she clearly wants?

It's also so fascinating because all these women got what they wanted, which was the money and the power, but then like the society around them, especially in Mormontville, has it figured out. I'm kind of like, guys, move out of Utah.

Well, I think it's inappropriate that all of their husbands stopped working.

And then bought a Cybertruck and then complained.

Like, you can be rich enough that your spouse doesn't have to work, but like, unless you're taking care of the kids full-time, babe, aren't you bored? Like, what?

I don't think Connor complains about taking care of the kids. I hate when the men complain about taking care of the kids.

No, but he seems like someone who thought about being a stay-at-home dad before it was possible.

Yeah, where like when Zach was like, I'm exhausted. I was— this is how he talks. I'm exhausted, Jen. I was with the kids for 2 full days and I let you go on Dancing with the Stars and delivered, and then you want to have sex with every action.

The phrase let you coming from a man— no, I'll spontaneously combust.

I will spontaneously combust. Also, Jen is so cute and like bubbly, and she needs to get her pink back. I don't mind a stay-at-home dad, but I don't want him to use it against me all the time. I want him to be like— it's like when you meet a guy who loves cooking. If he's totally like, go off cooking, cook for me, I love it.

No, like have a hobby for sure.

Oh, you love taking the kids to play golf or whatever, like, yeah, take them. I love that for you.

Get outta here.

I do think that it's just so interesting 'cause the girls got the money, got the power, and sudden— and are miserable. But it's—

I think it's a good lesson in like that stuff really doesn't make you happy. Like, who just— who just went on a press tour? Oh, uh, Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock. They're on their press tour for Practical Magic.

Love.

And they were asked when both of them won the Oscar, where were you at in life? And Nicole Kidman was like, I was probably the saddest I've ever been. I went home after winning an Oscar and thought, I need to start a real life. Like, and that's so true. Like, you have to have people around you.

Period. That's what it is. It's good relationships in your life because they actually did accomplish a lot of their dreams, but then they outgrew the people around them.

Yeah.

But then stayed with those people and then they're wondering why there's so much tension and why it feels wrong. It's like, 'cause baby, you've grown out of this. The universe is pushing you away.

Look, obviously like we're so busy and we're working and there's women our age that are married and have children and so they're even busier. I like recently, usually I'm like, okay, I don't like, my friends know we're friends. Like I don't have to like see them all the time and like I don't have to text them all the time. But recently I've been like actively making a mental note of like, okay, I have to text Katie tomorrow because I haven't checked in on her in a few days. And like, okay, and I have to remember it's Alexa's birthday. Like we have to go out and do something to celebrate her birthday. I'm not letting a year go by and we didn't celebrate. You know, like you have to like really, you get to a certain point in your life where you're like, okay, I've accomplished certain things, I've done certain things, what's really important? And it really is community.

Yeah.

Like, it's the thing that keeps you living the longest. And world peace.

No, and world peace. At 35— um, you're 33. You're such a little baby.

Um, I'm turning 34 in a month.

I know, but let's enjoy 33.

Yeah, let's.

And but we, we do have small— the smallest circles we've ever had.

Teensy weensy baby. Teensy weensy.

But if you've made it through, like, it's like when you're cooking pasta and the what What's it called? A sifter.

Okay.

I don't know, I feel, you know, I went like a whole year at one of my apartments without a pasta strainer, a strainer, and I don't know what I used, but I ended up doing something the whole time. Anyway, I digress. That's crazy.

The point is yesterday I realized I don't have a potato masher. I thought, I'm an adult now, I just ordered a potato masher.

I didn't know that was a thing.

Yeah, to make mashed potatoes.

Oh, I thought you used like fork.

No, my mom uses like a thing that—

Oh, it has like waves, right?

Yeah, and it has like the little circles.

You're like, I called my mom and there is something people use for that.

Well, I used a meat cleaver instead.

Oh Jesus, what is, what is this? Um, did you see there's a new like Monsters— who does all the Monsters films?

I watched it. Lizzie Borden.

Yeah, who does it? What's it called? Who's the guy?

Ryan Murphy.

Yeah, what is this, a Ryan Murphy show? The meat cleaver. There's always a meat cleaver, some hot guy with a meat cleaver. Wait, actually people were telling me watch that Lizzie Borden show on— Was it good?

Yeah, I'm on her side. I would have killed my parents too.

Okay, you don't have to give it away.

They know. It's— people know.

No, I'm just— that's what people do to me, so I was projecting. You see, guys, that was projection. That was projection.

Um, if I was her, I would have taken an ax to my stepmom too.

I went to my friend Allie's birthday party where I feel like I don't know if a couple years ago I would have gone. I might have stopped by, but it's like I was at this time in my life where I'm like She means the world to me. It's her birthday. I don't know if I know a lot of people there. I'm scared and I'm alone, but I'm gonna go because I'm an adult.

Wow, I just preached that 2 minutes ago, and I was also invited to this birthday, and I said, nope, not going.

Yeah, she's like, where's Paige? I'm like, it's not her journey yet. It's not her journey.

You made me work all day.

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That's article.com/giggly for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. I also want to say thank you to the Gigglers and extended community. We've been getting like so many nice messages about you know, announced that we're going to— we're growing, we're going to a different network. And I was wondering like why it might be hitting a chord for some people, 'cause I've gotten some like intense messages. And I think it's because maybe they relate to us in a way where we were kind of underdogs, where everyone has been in a relationship or with a friend where they've told them like, you suck, you're not gonna make it.

Yeah.

You're a loser, nobody likes you. Like literally Lady Gaga, you will never be famous.

Mm-hmm.

And I think everyone saw it happen to us publicly in a couple different ways. So then I hope that it motivates anyone listening that anything you have going on in your life, if people are hating on you for it, they see something in you and they're scared. And keep chasing your dream. Go for it. And it's gonna feel so good because it's taken us 6 years. Like, that is a long time of Pasta straining, I would say. Look at all these callbacks, we're out of control.

Wait, I'm just looking at my foot right now. What's going on?

What's going on? I'm scared.

And I had the most Hannah thing happen to me last night in bed. I'm like falling asleep, like my eyes are closed, like I'm— I literally, I took 2 Lemmy gummies, like I'm fall— I'm going in.

Fuck off.

I'm going in.

2 Lemmy gummies, I'd be up for a week. You'd have to call the police.

Wait, everyone's like, oh my God, you have the craziest dreams. And I'm like, it's actually the perfect sleep. But anyway, but the most Hannah thing happened to me in bed that I actually started laughing. I was like, this is so not my brand. This is so much more Hannah. I like moved my foot in the sheet and it like— my toenail like caught. I was like, what the hell is this? My toenail like caught on the sheet. And I get my toes done every 3 weeks when I get my nails done.

You had a hangnail, babe. Welcome to the party.

No, Hannah. Then I like flip my leg up, okay? And I grab my toe with my hand. My eyes are still asleep.

I'm still— That's not Hannah-coded because I can't touch my toes, but continue. She's like, I took my leg, put it around my neck.

So I'm laying down, I flip my foot up, I grab my toe. My whole half my nail, I rip it off. I rip it off and I take it out from under the sheets and I'm looking at it. It's actually probably right here somewhere.

If I had a nickel.

And I was like, oh my God, no, I can't find it. I was like, this is so Hannah.

Can I say something in defense of toenails? Like, when you hear that someone loses their toenail, it sounds gross. The way I lose my toenails is very like shark teeth. There's always a toenail growing underneath.

No, you have a weird toe thing happening.

Well, my whole life playing tennis, the toe— the toenails go away. But I just have to say, I don't know if you guys have noticed, Paige has been overworked having to put her little feet in these little tiny heels and like walking around New York City. That's why your toenail fell off, babe.

Yeah, I was like, wait, when was my toenail falling off? I'm like, I've been—

That's New York Fashion Week, babe.

I've been so busy I didn't even notice my toenail was falling off. Like, that's so not me. I've been inspecting my body heavily. Head to toe every 7 minutes.

I have a mirror that scans me.

No, I would love that.

Beep beep, abnormal pimple.

Hannah, don't.

UTI coming soon. Nipple hair found in a strange— very dark.

I do think about you a lot.

When you are shaving your nipples?

When I look in the mirror. Like before I'm getting in the shower specifically, and I think, you know, Hannah doesn't even look in the mirror.

No.

Like, why do you have to stand here and like look at yourself before you get in the shower?

I'm growing on you.

You're really growing on me. I'm gonna try and not to.

Like a bacteria.

Yes, like a foot fungus, if you will.

Speaking of feet, you know, like when you're staying up late and you're like, it's already late, like it's 2 AM, what is 3 AM, what is 4 AM? Like, you're already up late. That's how I feel.

Except 5 AM, different.

Different. That's—

5 AM's morning.

You're in the morning, you're starting your work day.

Yeah.

You're answering emails already.

Yeah.

Um, but the way I feel about that is how I feel about like showing up to a shoot with you. Like, if I'm not fully shaved, spray tan, it's like, okay, why am I even trying? So I was naughty and I showed up to a shoot My nails were done, which was like the bare minimum for you, but you know that was hard for me.

Totally.

Really unshaven, like dark hairs.

No.

No spray tan, so I was uneven.

No, Hannah, you weren't just— your legs weren't just unshaven. It was almost as if you had been planning this and did it on purpose.

No, it could— it looked like— yeah, it looks like I was—

How many— wait, how long was that? Scientifically question asking.

How long not shaving?

Yeah, how many days or weeks was that on your legs? Because I'm just trying to compare what—

What happens is sometimes I travel and then I can't find my razor and that's when I get really fucked. But the funniest part about it is, is, you know, I had full laser hair removal on both my legs for like 9 months. Didn't do anything.

Your hair grows slower than mine. Like, I could never go as many days as you go.

You know what it is? Because 2 or 3 days I'm like still okay, and then I look down and I'm like, that's like not human.

Yeah.

Um, but then I didn't get my toes done, and of course— wait, no, the shoe I ended up wearing was a clear shoe. Like, it looks like for Cinderella. And I'm like, this is— Paige is gonna throw up.

There's a difference between not getting your toes done and whatever the fuck you walked in with, okay? There's a difference between a little paint chip and you putting your toes through a wood chipper and then presenting, uh, them to us in a heel.

I did lose half of my nail, and I had grown out my toenails from the summer to where it actually looks like a French, I would say, because it was like white that had been grown out. Um, it was diabolical. But my thing was, it would have taken too much work for me to get all that together that I was just like, let's just She'll see it, she'll get mad, and then we'll move on.

You know, I think because you played a sport when you were younger, you weren't ever just home in your room being like, what can I do today? Because Lenore seems like you were scheduled.

Oh.

You were scheduled.

Every second of the day, Lenore had a place I needed to be.

Yeah, you were scheduled. You did a sport, you did that sport every single day. I was over here like, maybe I'll do gymnastics this week. Maybe like, I don't wanna be a Girl Scout anymore. Like I had—

It's not my brand anymore. Yeah, like, I need a rebrand for 7th grade.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm not tap, jazz, and ballet anymore, Mom. Get it together. We're doing something new. So I feel like I had a lot of time to be like in my room, and I also had a very girly mom. So like, she did all— like, my mom never went— even to this day, my mom does not go get her nails and toes done. Well, she gets her toes done, but she doesn't get her nails done. She does them herself. So I learned how to do my nails. I was doing French manicures in 3rd grade. Like, I could do the line.

Woman Stem of the Week.

Yeah. Like, we were at home prepping. I don't know what we were prepping for.

Wait, you were Alex Earle's little sister, um, Isabelle?

Yeah. Like, I was doing— like, I was doing my nails. Like, I was getting out of the shower. She was putting my hair in, like, foam rollers. I was falling asleep, waking up for school, taking them out.

Once a year. I would get my nails done because Nana got her claws in me, and like, I found myself having a full day like shopping with Nana, and we'd always end up— and she'd be like, pick— and she'd say, pick a shade of red. I love her.

No, I love her. I love her so much.

You have to do a shade of red. And her nails were always done. My nails were never done.

Wait, I was actually just at a shoot and someone brought up like letting their hair go gray. And I go, my best friend wants to let her hair go gray, and not on my watch.

So, you know, my mom is letting her hair go gray, but she's in this like early period of it where it just looks like kind of like sparkles over her brown. And this really beautiful woman stopped her at the US Open and was like, I just want to say your hair looks so good the way it is, so natural going gray.

Okay, but can I say something?

It's because Lenore's beautiful.

No, Hannah, no, you're beautiful. Lenore's an intellectual. Like, you see Lenore and you're like—

So is Kim. Kim's a woman in STEM.

Yes, but see, Kim is a different type of intellectual. Like, Lenore is like— was a principal.

Like, she, you know, she's in the rooms. She's in the rooms.

Lenore's like the New York Times.

Yeah.

Okay.

Kim's—

Kim is like, oh my God, Kim is like the head mafia boss that you didn't know she was in charge. You thought it was this guy.

It's really Kim in the back.

Like, that's her type of intellectual.

Why are you talking to him? You're gonna have to talk to me.

She'll slit your throat. You didn't even know she was in the room. Like, there's so many times that I feel like in business, like, people will like think that I'm doing something, but really it's like, Well, my mom told me actually to do that.

Do you know what my favorite thing is with me and you in business? People don't know who's in charge.

Oh, between you and I?

Like in a Zoom meeting, they don't know, right? Because the second you think I know what I'm talking about, you come in and it's like, Hannah, shut up, and you say something, and then you get quiet for 40 minutes and they're like, she's not listening, Hannah's the one who's in charge. But then we flip. Like, they don't know.

It's situational.

It is purely situational. It's because we don't know who's in charge.

It's, it's whoever has taken a liking to that project more, or like is in charge.

We're just always on the same page, so we're just like riffing, fun on the Zoom, and then afterwards we get on the call and we're like, that's a no, right?

So funny because someone called me today, okay, from our mutual person from both of our teams called me today, gives me the scenario, runs me through everything. Oh yeah, I say something and she goes, okay, well Hannah said the opposite, said this. And I go, okay, well, whatever Hannah said.

Well, it's funny because she asked me and I was like, no. And she goes, well, Paige said the other thing. I go, Paige doesn't give a shit. I said, this is not something Paige is gonna fight for, so you're gonna listen to me right now.

I go, I don't give a fuck. So if she already said no, then why are you calling?

You said yes because you were like, 50/50, I don't care.

Anywho, I digress.

Wait. Yeah.

Since we're on like the work theme, there's discourse on TikTok specifically heavy in Gen Z and millennials. The, the argument is, do you show up to an— a job interview with a coffee, with an iced coffee?

If I'm doing like 6 job interviews that day, maybe. Like if it's an emergency, like I'm like running and I'm feeling like shit.

Morning? No, it's like you have a job interview at like 9:30. Are you walking into the job interview holding an iced coffee?

I don't— I wouldn't, but I also don't think I would like not hire someone because of it.

Okay, Hannah, that's exactly what I did. I put myself in the situation and I thought, no, I'm not walking in with an iced coffee.

Because that's too much admin. Like, I need to worry about the task at hand. Like, What's, what's my biggest weakness? Like, I can't—

Right. But if I'm the one hiring the person and someone walks in holding a coffee, I'm not even thinking about it. Like, I don't give a fuck.

It's a fun debate. Maybe I could judge them by their coffee. Like, if they came in with like a full Frappuccino, I'd be like, are you mentally stable? Because you're, you're 34 and you're downing Frappuccinos.

Are you serious? Are you serious about the position, or is this a fucking joke to you? No, if someone came in with like a full Starbucks Frappuccino, I—

Do you know I used to get that for lunch?

I used to love those.

My— because we'd have like $10 for lunch and I'd be like, I could get a full chicken and broccoli like at the Chinese place, or I could get a strawberry caramel white chocolate Frappuccino extra large. And me and my friends would just be walking around with the bigger than our bodies.

Well, at this age now, I think my first question would be like Do you take Lactaid? What's like your gut situation?

Yeah, how are you taking that to the face right now?

I'd be more intrigued than annoyed.

Actually, I'd be like, you can handle hard things.

Yeah, I'm like, you have a stomach of steel.

You're a gladiator. You are a gladiator. You're the pit bull from now on.

Okay. Like, because I run queasy, you know?

Like, literally, it was 1 PM, Paige just burps next to me. I go, you good? She goes, just me, my normal midday nausea, don't worry about me.

The wind blows in the wrong way and I could get a little nauseous.

She's like just nervous about my existence.

Truly. Do you ever just get nervous about like, just like, what's the next—

I'm just like too aware of my existence. Like, I'll just be— whenever I'm supposed to just be enjoying life, I always go And is this the life I'm supposed to be living? Like, can we just for one second not analyze it?

No, I'll be like, no, it's so bad.

No.

It's so bad. Do you feel like everyone does that though?

No, I don't.

Like you're ever in a situation that like only you put yourself in that situation. There's no one else to blame. And you're just like, is this what I really want though?

This might be selfish, but I do think I'm also neurodivergent where like even in school, like I remember everyone else was just like watching the teacher. Or like watch it. And I would be watching everyone else watch the teacher. Like I was the one that's not in the moment. Like I was thinking about them.

You're an anthropologist.

Sorry, I love sociology.

Yes, sorry, you love to study people.

I have crazy news for you, and I can't believe this is 3 episodes in that we're still talking about Hydrox. First of all, it's not Hydrox, it's Hi-Rox.

Who gives a fuck?

Okay, I have to tell you something. It's really upsetting. You have to brace yourself.

No.

And also, this— as a millennial, this is the most millennial offensive thing I've ever heard. HYROX stands for Hybrid Rockstar.

What the fuck are they talking about? What's a hybrid rockstar?

It's like girl boss, like pussy popping, kick ass, like workout.

What? Cheetah girls, cheetah sisters.

Hybrid Rockstar. I'm confused by the branding. I do support any woman who does this because I love female athletes. However, who—

who's—

I need to know the story behind this. We'll talk about it next episode because we're not done with this.

I'm Googling it right now. Okay, the HYROX origin.

Because there's no rock stars involved. It's not a music thing.

It's okay because it was charity or something. It was started in Germany.

It's okay. Oh, that—

oh, it's okay.

Okay, that's cool.

Yeah, it's okay. And that's for them. And it was founded in 2017 by a 2-time Olympic gold medalist, and that's fine. It was the first HYROX event took place in Hamburg in 2017.

No, but the fact it's German, it means that it also like— I wonder what the German translation is.

That's scary.

Anyway, if you ever did Jennifer Hudson's— I was gonna say walk of shame, but like—

Hannah, Hannah, I got asked. Hannah, I got asked recently. And yep, and I know exactly what you're gonna ask. What am I doing when I'm walking down the aisle for when they're dancing? And you want to know what I said? Sorry, I can't come because I have a prior commitment, which I did. But in my head I was like, No, I can't go on that show. I'm not dancing down the line.

Well, this is my question. Some people dance and I was like, I'm like, that's good. Then some people dance, you're like, that's bad. But then some people, I, and you know, I'm like, I have a lot of false confidence. Some people I'm pretty sure just go and think I'll come up with it as I go. And it's crazy. Like I would have to plan what my moves are gonna be. I'm not just gonna let the music take me.

Okay, but what if what you planned isn't the beat of the song they do? And then all of a sudden you're doing the Macarena and they're singing Cotton-Eyed Joe. Like, then what do you do?

I think I would do the worm.

No, it's a quick walk, and that would— the worm's going backwards. You have to go forward.

So many good points are being made right now.

No, I literally— I said I love Jennifer Hudson, I can't make it work with my schedule right now, but honestly, I'm— I, I was too nervous. Because I don't want to do the walk.

But like, you would do it all like shy, like you'd be like, and you'd like do a spin, you'd do like one twirl.

That's actually a good idea.

Yeah, yeah, like, well, we— what I'm saying is if you did it, we'd have to choreograph it, and it's okay if it's not on the beat as long as you commit to something. Because some people go and they're flailing, and I'm like, you didn't think this one through?

Yeah, that's all I thought about when I saw the email. It's all I thought about.

Yeah.

Do they make up a song? They make one up.

Yeah, that's where they get you.

Yeah.

Because you're like, you're like, 4 beats?

You can't even cry in perfect time.

An 8-beat? I don't know anything about music. Yeah, I feel like that's— I also did— I'm gonna put this in the ether— I did have a Dancing with the Stars pro DM me.

I heard.

And I'm gonna protect the identity because we don't need to like get into semantics, but Dancing with the Stars, you guys, that's the one thing that I actually don't believe in myself about. And I know it's not about winning, it's about like trying new things, but like I have had a page trying new things, right?

It's about putting yourself out of your comfort zone. Okay, leaving the house is out of my goddamn comfort zone. You ever have a panic attack in a grocery store? Let me tell you, it's exhilarating.

But the funny thing is, if I could do the splits, I would have done Dancing with the Stars 10 years ago.

Yeah. Well, if I could do the splits, I would have done a lot of things.

If I could do the splits, I wouldn't be here right now.

Fuck you and this podcast.

I'd be on a yacht right now. But unfortunately, I have really tight hips.

In the, um, like Alex Earle reality show, there's like a clip that she said, like, her— she's talking about like her dad like buying her boob job, and he said like, oh, well, like, I knew it was going to be an investment in your future. And in my head I'm like, how many girls watched that and looked at their dad and was like, see, like, it's like could be something, you know?

I know. I don't want people to feel that way.

No, I know.

I know Paige doesn't have boobs, you guys, and she's done really well up until this point.

No, I haven't.

Oh, I mean, no, I—

that was a Freudian slip.

And guys, I have boobs and I don't even show them.

I really can't take the stress of a boob job. Maybe like after a child, okay?

Do you want to tell them how much you loved me because I was wearing— I was showing my boobs on the other day?

No, so many things happened that day for me to like be drawn to you. One, I picked out— I was Lois on Friday.

Wait, so am I fun to like do a makeover for? Do you feel like I'm Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality?

I got to pick out your outfit, and I was like, yeah, she's a cool-toned girl, put her in the silver. So I got to pick out your outfit, like your hair was done the way I wanted, your makeup looked the way I liked, and like your boobs were pushed up to the sky, and I was like, yes!

That's what I wanted.

Like, I love it! Like, and you were walking around in heels all day. It was just like, I was like, I get Lois. Like, I get her.

So Jeannie on her TikTok is now doing a like Stuff Lois Said Today, um, yeah, series, and it's really good. So, oh, Lois is a star. Lois is a star. Um, I have a question for you.

Yes?

When was the last time you listened to your own voicemail?

Like my answering machine?

Yeah.

I don't have one.

Do I have one?

I don't think so.

Okay, because I got really worried today.

Wait, should I call you? Yeah, yeah, okay, and just decline it.

Put it on speaker. I'm so scared right now, you guys. Are you Pharrell Taylor?

Press decline, you nimwit! We're just gonna sit here on the— obviously you're not answering. I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?

Press— You've reached the voicemail of Hannah Berner. Please leave me a message. No, I'm dead. No, I'm dead. Who is that? I'm 16.

Wait, why the fuck did— wait, call mine. Call mine. Wait, how did that transfer over? Your call has been forwarded. Yeah, like a normal person.

Do you know, like, important people have called my phone before. Why did no one tell me that that was my voicemail?

Do you not get like prank phone calls? Because I feel like I get so many people that will like get my number and they'll call me, but then they're nervous because the answering machine, they're like, is it her? I mean, with you they're like, yeah, this is—

Oh, that explains a lot of text messages that I've gotten.

For sure. Actually, it's so funny because I, I am this close. I think I'm changing my number.

That's actual fame.

One, it's low-key iconic. 2, it's, it's actually, I think, a safety thing for me. It's not like— I just feel too many people have my number that like, I— it's too much.

Well, that sounds freeing as fuck. I think everyone, once you turn 35, should change your phone number.

Well, yeah, I have had the same phone number since high school.

40 guys' names and Hinge after it still in my phone. Yeah, like, that's unnecessary.

I'm like— and then I like wanted to delete contacts the other day because I'm like, I don't even remem— I don't even know who this person is. Wait, are you ever on TikTok and it's like your friend from your phone book? I'm like, who is that? I'm like, no, there's no way that I have her number. I don't know who this is.

I don't like deleting contacts because I like to know who's bothering me.

Yeah, that's true.

Because when you don't know, you go, who is this? And they tell you and you're like, oh my God.

Oh my God, I just— I don't answer.

We used to have voicemails. I remember mine was like giggling or something, and my dad was like, okay, you have to get a job. Like, you can't have a giggling voicemail. And I'm like, okay. So I think that was from when I was like 21, because you guys know I don't do admin. I'm not—

yeah, you're not—

I don't even know if the Apple phones let you change your voicemail.

Like, I don't even know how to get to it.

What if this is permanent for me now? This is like, this is your Blueprint in history. Hi, this is Hannah Berner. Thanks for calling, leave a message.

But do you get spam every day?

Maybe like 1 or 2.

Like, I get called every single day no matter what, at least 3 times a day.

I will never pick up a number.

Yeah, no, and it's like, your loan is— and I'm like, okay.

But my problem is, because I don't pick up unknown numbers, I miss important deliveries. I miss like Someone who needs help. But like, I miss all the important phone calls.

You ever take a chance and you just answer the unknown and then you're like, fuck, like, why did I?

There's a mortgage that we'd like it. I'm like, ah.

Or it's someone you know and you're like, fuck no.

Oh gosh. Um, womanist time of the week is actually not my lowest, but a different lowest. Her name's Lois Gibson, and she's the greatest sketch artist of all time.

Okay.

When she was— when she was young, she was almost killed by a serial killer, and she was so traumatized. But because she remembered little details about his face, it helped them solve it or something. Regardless, she was like obsessed with the process of how to find these men. So yeah, she's extremely good at drawing, and she's like— she's helped find over 750 criminals because she's so good at at like when people tell her draw. It's like a weird— it's a weird crazy skill. She's like Guinness Book of World Records. So shout out to Lois Gibson.

How old is she?

I actually don't know. I was like Googling it.

You know, I always wondered if that was like a real thing, like sketch artists for like the police. I'm like, but how do they know?

In 1971, she was 21 years old, so she's like in her 70s now.

Wait, that is so crazy because here's the other thing. If I'm in the police station and I'm describing someone, I'm not giving good description. I'm like, she's got a fuck-ass face because—

Well, that's like when you ask your friend to describe like a guy they're seeing, they're like, he's nice.

Yeah.

I'm like, he's ugly. Let me— tell me what he really looks like. You know, and they're like, he has really good heart, he's kind, he's sweet. And then they show you like a photo of him in the dark and you're like, show me the photo of him.

I always like wonder, what is the photo that people like show of me? Like, what's the photo like people show of me?

You're like, I need to know.

No, I need to know. Like, I need to know like exes that have like, like that are with their friends and like they're— I just come up in conversation, but I've— they've never met me. Like, I want to know like, oh, what's the photo they show when they go to my Instagram? Like, oh, that was her.

Maybe just like one of the newest photos you posted.

I would hope so. PSA, if you guys are showing my photo, like, make sure it's one of like the top 3 in my grid because those are the ones that I'm like most loving right now.

The pin one is a good one to use.

Yeah, maybe like the pin one. Like Amy Poehler's in that picture too, and like you could show that around.

There's no easy way to segue this, but it is officially fall, and I know a lot of the girls are wearing capris, but as someone who has bought capris in TikTok Shop, Amazon, Noma Kamali. They're not all created equal. What capris are you recommending just like as a normal black capri? Like you could wear your Lululemons. Like what are you wearing?

I have 2 that I'm rotating, that I always rotate between. One are my Amazon ones that my tried and true, that my first pair of capris that I love. They have a little cuff on the bottom. And my second one are like a more stretchy one. They're from Helsa. I got them in the beginning of the summer and I've worn them worn them with everything. But it's not necessarily like the brand. Capris aren't all made equally in terms of your own body.

Yeah, like your fit.

Yeah, you have to find what capri's length for your legs is the best. Like, I'm not— I'm no good right under the knee.

Oh.

I'm no good.

Really?

I need to go a little bit lower on my shin.

Oh, so you like a 3/4 cut?

Well, I just think it looks better with my body type.

Mmm. See, I need right over the knee because I need to try to elongate whatever's going on. Or have I been doing it wrong this whole time? Fuck.

I feel like if you're under— right under the knee, it's chopping you. Mmm. You're right. Because it's like, it's giving like a block of skin, block of capri, block of— you need your legs to look a little bit longer. So I think you should go a little longer.

Holy shit.

You should go more of like a cigarette pant.

Oh, but this is the thing with my body type, cigarette pant is kind of straight and I need, I need more curves potentially. Actually, you know, I haven't figured out jeans.

More of a kick flare on the bottom.

You love saying kick flare. You started this whole pod just so you could end it by saying kick flare.

I actually started Daphne the brand just so I could say kick flare, and we use it a lot in every meeting. Like, sometimes we'll be like, it's kick flaring too much.

Kick flare of the week. Um, you guys, thank you so much for giggling.

Oh wait, that was so quick.

Do you have anything else to bring to the— on your docket?

No, I mean, I guess I'll see you guys Friday.

Yeah, I guess we'll see you later. We love you so much. Um, and have the most beautiful week.

Bye!