Ich hab gehört, du willst deinen Mobilfunkvertrag kündigen? Aber so einfach lass ich dich nicht davonkommen! Wie wär's mit einem XXL-Streaming-Abo? Einem Zweit-Handy?
Ach nein!
Nein! Ich möchte doch nur in Ruhe gelassen werden!
Puh, nur ein Albtraum.
Damit Mobilfunk im echten Leben kein Albtraum wird: Frank. Von Beginn an ohne Mindestvertragslaufzeit. Monatlich kündbar für €10 im Monat.
Frank!
Nein, Frank. Jede Nacht bewegst du dich bis zu 60 Mal. Der QX-Schaum der bett1 Matratze unterstützt deine Bewegung. So wird jede Nacht zum Traum. Jetzt bestellen auf bett1.de. Schlaf ist Bewegung.
Sup, gigglers? Gary, fix your Wi-Fi.
Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.
I mean, the day just got away from me.
Hello, my glitzy gigglers! It's Fashion Week! It's fashion! Wait, let me get my shades on. It's Fashion Week!
It's too much. Hannah's got me up at 8:30 AM. I just opened my eyes.
I do have to say, the reason I'm so awake is woke up to, um, humblebrag, name drop, voice message from Chelsea Handler. Did not realize I was going to the US Open with her.
Hannah calls me in a tizzy. She's like, wait, I don't like remember how the text went.
I somehow miscommunicated with Chelsea Handler that We're going to the US Open and she's like, I'll see you tomorrow, pick you up at 3.
You know what we don't talk about enough on this pod?
That I miscommunicate with everyone.
That you just like flex on us randomly.
Well, I'm feeling a little insecure because you've been hanging out with Kendall Jenner all week. So like, I had to plug. I had to do a plug.
I met her for 2 and a half minutes.
Yeah, but the way she looked at you, I didn't like that. She loved you. She literally was like, oh, that's my girl.
We didn't talk about it because she is brunette.
Yeah, no, she, she loved you.
And it's like when you hang out with people, you're hanging out with blondes.
It's kind of like when you have a hot boyfriend, like I want girls to look at him like he's hot. Like I want other girls to want to be friends with you, but I just want them to know that I've put in the time and effort, right? Anywho, oh yeah, so somehow, you guys, I'm going to the US Open tonight with my mom.
What are you wearing, doll? I didn't go to the— this is the first time In 10 years, I haven't gone to the US Open.
In 10 years?
Yeah, I've gone every year for like 10 years.
Oh my God, and you just learned the rules last year?
No, you wanna know what it—
Like 10 years?
Wait, do you wanna know something? And this happens at every sporting event in my life because then I sat down and I thought about it and I'm like, why is it impossible for me to retain this information?
Because you don't care.
Every year the Super Bowl comes or like some playoff game games come that people are like, big game, we're going, we're doing a party, or we're going somewhere, get an outfit. And every year I relearn the rules of football and I think, I got this, this is easy.
Not to defend you, but you have so many algorithms in your head for outfits you're putting together for the event that by the time you get there, you're burnt. You have nothing left to give.
I have to go to the Giants game on Sunday. I can't figure out what to wear. It's killing me. I'm doing all Fashion Week stuff. All I care about this Giants outfit because it's stumping me. Wait, because it's nighttime, I don't know what the weather is like. It's a nighttime game vibe, is very different. And then it's like, if the sun goes down and it drops to like 60, I'm gonna be freezing. But if I'm there for a tailgate, I'll be sweating my balls off.
I feel like ESPN like hears about us. Like someone's like in the network meeting, they're like, okay, the numbers are good, but Giggly Squad, the number one sports podcast in the world, is really like We don't try to talk about sports.
Do you think I could find a red track jacket anywhere to get shipped to me in less than 2 days? This is the problem with shopping. I can't go anywhere and get anything immediately. Track jackets are trending. They've been trending for 6 months. Why the fuck can't I find a red track jacket?
Mm-hmm. Interesting.
I want a windbreaker. I want like— I want something that I can curl under that I can wear with a black capri. And then I can decide if I want to do a flat or a sandal, like a heeled thong sandal. That was my vision for the outfit.
Look.
But now I'm like, I'm rethinking everything.
When in doubt, windbreaker it out.
Yeah.
That's what we say.
That's what we say.
That's what we say. Because the truth is, you're never too cold, you're never too hot. You can bloat in it. You look like you could— you're leaving at any time, which is cool, girl.
I can wear a comfy tank under it.
Oh, I love it. And then if you want to show a little décolletage, you can. But then if you want to be stuck up, you could pull it up. You do a stud and a track jacket and you could put hair up if you want. You could also put it down.
She's rich, but she's not throwing it in your face.
Yes. Well, that's why the YSL windbreaker is so fucked up.
Track jackets just says so much.
And also, you are the fastest kid in the 5th grade, so it just like is a great callback. 4th grade, sorry.
And I owe it all to these one pair of Nike sneakers that I really— that I feel like they never remade. The bottom of those sneakers are the best bottoms I've ever been in. Oh, is that like the ones that had the like bounce? A little bit. They were rippled all the way down and the side was a pink Nike sign. But Hannah, it was metallic. It was like hard. It was like 3D, like you could touch it. It was pink metallic.
I'm just envisioning you winning the Olympics and going on stage and everyone's like, How did you do it? And I'm like, you're like, the pink metallic Nike heel that I wore was so iconic.
I'm not kidding, I love them so much I got them the next year in silver. Every year before school, my mom would take me to get my sneaker for the year, and it stumped me.
I'm obsessed with you.
Every year I was like, I can't do this again, I don't know. I would call one of my friends who was like sporty, and I'd be like, what's in for sneakers?
She'd be like, what? What's in your world? What are the sporty— what are they doing? Sweaty girls wearing?
Right now?
Did you have like different gym outfits each year?
No, we wore gym uniforms, so the only thing I was in charge of were the sneakers.
You would have hated our gym uniform at MS51s. It was, um, yellow and blue.
I don't mind.
There was no gay behind that. There was— it was a big yellow shirt, and not like cute butter yellow, like in-your-face yellow, and then blue.
It was shorts.
It wasn't good with my skin tone, but let me just say, I loved gym class.
Yeah, no, okay, so every year I learn the rules of the US Open, the Super Bowl, and like horse betting. Those are my 3 that I learned.
Wait, so now I'm worried. As you guys know, my dream is to be friends with Chelsea Handler. Like, that was my dream. It's happened. But now it's like I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. If I'm with Chelsea, men's semifinals, Tiafoe, Ben Shelton, I might get hammered.
I think if there's ever a time for you specifically as Hannah Lucy Berner Scorpio Wait, your birthday? No, we had your birthday.
By the way, I still haven't gotten my present.
You want to know why? Because I look at your present every single day.
And you want it.
No, and I want to like mail it to you, and I'm like, but that's my friend, I need to give it to her in person. I'm gonna see her in person.
Last night I was like, Paige's birthday's coming up, and I was like, September, October, November, and I literally was like, we have to— I would start Googling. I was like, Cool girl present.
Do you know once a year I text Grace at— it could be any month of the year.
And you— when's your birthday?
And I go, when is Hannah's birthday again?
Oh, well, yours on Google's wrong.
Like, I always know it's August, but every time I, I think I gaslight myself into like changing the day in my own head.
Do you know Des and I have the same day? Like, I'm August 12th, he's November 12th, and I don't know what that means, but I can make it up.
definitely means something, right? For sure. Yeah, there's like all this different stuff. Like, you can do like your life path number.
Oh yeah.
And you can like add all— so 12 and 12 definitely means something.
I love what— that's the only math you do. You're like, if you add 1 plus 2, it equals 3.
If you think I haven't written down 1999. I love when you search it and they're like, you're 1992, you're a creative leader.
You're an adventure, adventure discoverer.
No, but they're accurate.
You're a librarian.
Okay, so what are you going to wear to the US Open now 2 days in a row?
This is my thing. My dream is wearing some like really cool vintage preppy like tennis-inspired like fucking sweater shit. I don't know, but I've been told by the people around me on my team I have to be more subdued. I can't dress like a clown. Like, they're like, you're 35 now. Like, they want me to wear more black and like be calm. And I'm like, that's what I wear every day. But like, when I'm on the red carpet—
Yeah, that's not who you are though.
I, I'm on Drag Race.
Yeah, that's fun. When— look, not to sound like 87 years old, but like, we're not always going to be on red carpets. Well, look at Jane Fonda.
I'm sorry, I'm— I feel like red carpets are for any age.
Yeah, no, but I'm saying like there might not always be a time where you're like, I want to go on this red carpet, or I want to throw a fit on this carpet. I think do it, do it now how you want to do it. How fun.
I do have to say, because this is so last minute, it's up in the air, and I know that stresses you out, but you If worst case scenario, I skip the carpet. If the outfit's just like not outfitting, we skip the carpet.
Oh yeah, you've done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're sick. They're actually like Hannah Berners-Lee.
Okay, but there's gonna be pictures of Chelsea Handler sitting—
Hey, it's Hannah. Should we let her on? Wait, it's gonna be so embarrassing when it goes— the Jumbotron's gonna go to Chelsea Handler and I'm just gonna be sitting next to her.
Yeah, that's why you have to have at least a good outfit from the waist up.
Wait, should I make out with her on the Jumbotron?
Imagine.
That would be iconic.
That would be a really good promo for a tennis movie.
That would literally be Madonna, Britney Spears, and comedy.
Like, if you and Chelsea Handler wrote a tennis movie together—
A tennis lesbian commentator movie.
And you starred in it.
Tennis lesbian sports broadcasters.
And the way you did the first promo of the movie was at the US Open on the Jumbotron, and everyone picked it up like they thought it was real, and then everyone was like, Actually, it's a promo for a movie.
We use this podcast— it's, it's just brainstorming.
It's an incubator.
It's a literal— this is Silicon Valley for girls.
Wait, not even speaking of, but it's actually been on my mind for like the past 2 days. I don't know why. Are we just never getting Taylor Swift's wedding pictures? Was that the gag? Hey, I'm having 1,000 people, you'll never see it.
Well, people were commenting. Apparently Travis said— apparently he said like the show was great. Like he called it a show, which made people feel like that wasn't actually their wedding ceremony. It was more like a— but this is the thing, if you're gonna have a big shebang, don't you wanna publicize it?
Well, I don't even care about the wedding per se.
I love when you say per se. It tickles my fancy.
And I think more companies should be named per se.
I think every sentence should start with per se because it makes sense. Per se. It's like, it's like millennial LOL. You can end every sentence with per se.
It's also kind of like a really cute girl's name. No, it's not.
Say it.
Per se.
P.S. So cute.
Think about the themed birthday parties.
P.S.
She's like, they're all little writers.
Yeah, think about the embroidery. So cute.
You have to think about these things. What were we saying?
Wait, I have an invention.
Okay.
For our incubator.
Okay.
Okay, actually, this is so page-coded, but I have to remember to bring— I have this one pair of black capris That like fit me right that I might wear at the US Open, but I have to remember to pack it and I'm jumping on—
Okay.
I just have to remember to pack it.
Okay.
And that's the kind of thing like I know I'm gonna forget. And I realize like people will be like, hey Siri, remind me. That doesn't work for me. I don't talk to Siri. I've actually never spoken to Siri in my life.
So interesting.
So like also I don't know when I'm actually walking out the door and like if I put it in my notes, I don't click the notes. So it's like, I want an app on the phone that's like, put it—
Calls you?
No, I just want it like— sorry, that's Lois.
And happy birthday, Lois.
It's so cute. I want it to just like be popped up on your screen, like permanently, like when you have important things that you can't forget at any time.
Wait, I have to go sign for a package or he's going to take it back. I'll be right back. This is an emergency.
Go, girl, go.
Fall feels like the perfect time for a reset. New routines, better habits, and a little more attention to the things you may have been putting off over the summer. If your hair could use a reset, let me tell you about Nutrafol. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist-recommended hair growth supplement brand and the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists. And now the Nutrafol Women's Formula has been upgraded to its most advanced version yet. It's 100% vegan, biotin-free, and comes in a smaller capsule size to make your daily routine routine easier. In a clinical study, 100% of women felt an improvement in hair strength after 3 months and experienced more scalp coverage after 6 months of taking Nutrafol. It's so easy to add into your routine, and when you finally see results, it's so satisfying. I absolutely love using their shampoo as well, and adding Nutrafol into your daily routine makes your life so much easier. Order online, no prescription needed, with automated deliveries and free shipping to keep you on track. Plus, with Nutrafol subscription, you can save up to 20% off get added perks like a free Headspace membership to support your hair health journey.
Whether you're just starting your hair health journey or you've been taking Nutrafol for years, this update means you can now get their most advanced support yet. See thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair with less shedding in 3 to 6 months. Right now, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off their first month subscription and free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code GIGGLY. That's nutrafol.com, Nutrafol.com, Promo-Code Giggly. Buuh, du warst kurz in der Schweiz?
Ich hab deine Mobilfunkrechnung!
Dein ganzes Erspartes gehört jetzt mir!
Oh nein! Nicht mein Erspartes!
Puh, nur ein Albtraum.
Damit Mobilfunk im echten Leben kein Albtraum wird, Frank. Einfacher Mobilfunk für €10 im Monat. Inklusive EU-Roaming. Auch in der Schweiz.
Frank!
Nein.
Frank.
Stellen Sie sich vor, Sie stehen mit Ihrem Auto an der Ampel. Es wird grün. Sie wollen anfahren. Plötzlich ruckelt die Automatikschaltung und das Getriebe reagiert langsamer. Wann haben Sie das letzte Mal Getriebeöl wechseln lassen? Mit jedem Kilometer altert auch das Getriebeöl. Ein regelmäßiger Ölwechsel hilft, Getriebe und Fahrzeugwert zu erhalten. Warten Sie nicht, bis es beim Schalten ruckelt oder ein teurer Getriebeschaden droht. Fragen Sie jetzt Ihre Werkstatt nach einem Automatikgetriebeölwechsel mit dem smarten Kit von Meile, Ihr Spezialist für Automatikgetriebewartung. Und wann schalten Sie? Meile. What did you get?
Marin had just shipped me a bunch of clothes and I had to. Oh my God, I had to haul ass to the door.
Wait, your forehead looks really shiny.
Thanks, I did a Medicube sleeping mask last night, and I also popped a pimple.
I feel like you already started Fashion Week, but like, we have our first fashion shows together.
Yep.
How are you preparing for the fashion shows you're going to? Like, tell the gigglers.
The only preparation I'm doing is like picking out my outfits. Like, I got invited— this is the first time I've ever gotten invited to like a show Chanel anything really. And I got invited to this dinner tonight, and so I'm like, I've never tried on more outfits.
More Chanel?
No, I don't even have any Chanel. So I'm like, I'm like, does this give Chanel? And then I'm like, is everyone gonna be wearing Chanel, or is that like not cool? Should it be like one thing?
It's just relatable issues.
The stupid problem of the day. But I'm so excited to go, so I don't even— I don't even care what else I'm doing because that is my first thing this week. But I haven't really done any preparation skin-wise that's different from my usual routine.
I was gonna get a spray tan, but I like don't have it in me.
And sometimes I'm— I can't do it.
And I'm like tannish. It's just, I don't know, I can't.
I know.
I'm 35.
I am going to LA at the end of the month, but— and I am thinking, already thinking about the spray tan I'm gonna get.
Now you make me feel like I should have gotten a spray tan.
And let's just point out to the gigglers, you've been sending me pics of red hair.
Oh, okay, well, you're, you're a demon.
Yeah.
You're an actual demon. You waited till the last second of the last podcast. Like, every— I was like, amazing, good, good to see you, love you, bye. And you go, wait, wait, one more thing, one more little tiny thing.
She goes, small thing that you'll think about for the next 3 days.
You look like shit. And then hangs up. And I was like, okay, my hope— I thought she was like into the vibe I was bringing to the function. So then I'm looking in the mirror like, this is all wrong. This whole type is all wrong. And then Des agreed with you.
That's when you know we've plotted. No, I'm just kidding.
Did he start it? Like, he texted you like, can Hannah please change her hair hue?
I'm no better than a man. I'm looking at pictures of girls all day long. Yeah, like all I do is look at pictures of women and I admire them and I think like, what are cool things that I could take from my— from their life and put it into my life? And one of the things that brings me joy is looking at different redheads just redhead.
It's like me looking at, at white cats.
Yes, it's, it's actually the exact equivalent.
Yeah, when I look at ragdoll cats, I'm like, this is Paige's culture.
Yeah, I'm like, my friend could do this, and I'm like, oh my God, she could rock this shade.
I think I will go a deeper red. But I also had a moment where I was like, do I just fucking go back brunette? But then the people around me said no.
Really? This isn't that time.
Well, I was like, for casting, because, you know, my casting for auditions, it hasn't been going well the last 3 months because of my masseter.
Okay, you're— but you're dealing with something, and I don't— and this is exactly what happens to women when they can't change one thing, they want to try and change another, and it's not the thing we're changing.
Wait, also, this is so stupid, but when you change your hair color, you have to get like new extension colors.
Oh, I thought you were gonna say a whole new personality.
You have to get a whole new wardrobe. You do.
You have— you're a— you are a different person.
I have to walk into rooms differently. I have to walk differently. I talk differently.
Me with bangs, much more anxious.
Oh yeah, no, you're more neurotic with bangs. You have to be like Girls with bangs are smart because they have to prepare.
Girls with bangs have something, something hiding under there.
Also, I love how you only bring them out like when you want.
They're not for every occasion. I just pretend I don't have them.
It's giving Snooki right now.
That's me just being like, and I, I'm 33, I don't give a fuck what you say.
Do you know what I love that like I can't pull off but I want you to? I love when they take the bang and they do that like side, like slick side, like short, like—
Okay, well, it's funny because I didn't know anything that I was gonna wear to the Chanel dinner, but all I wanted to do was like a slick back bun, like all the way back, like no part. Oh, and then just like one bang. I don't know why that was my vision, but because I don't even have my outfit yet.
Will the bang just be like Like alfalfa?
I want just like one.
Will it be slicked down like, like curled?
No, not like slick to my forehead, just like that. But like, that was my vision. But I go on Pinch— all I do is Pinterest.
Sorry, this is pretty privileged and I have to call it out. She's like, what if we just did like a random this and a random that? And it's like, yeah, you'll look pretty because you have like a nice symmetrical beautiful face. Meanwhile, I was on a Zoom yesterday with Grace, my hair in a bun, and I started playing with these hairs and I was just like braiding them.
New growth. That looks like new growth, Hannah.
What if I show up at the Chanel dinner like this?
With the right outfit, it's actually really chic. I have a bone to pick with you because— and I have, and I've actually been keeping it in because I haven't even wanted to broach the subject with you.
and it's only 8:53 AM and now you wanna start shit with me? Come on, let's go.
It's not— it's gonna end up working in your favor though, but a couple months ago you brought something up and you said— and we all made fun of you and we said you were crazy and outlandish.
If I had a nickel. If I had a fucking nickel. Continue.
But really, you were right and he was a monster. But Hannah, I can't stop thinking about like a pixie cut, like a really short— Wait, don't cry! Like a super— like one of my girlfriends has a super short haircut and she looks cute.
I got goosebumps, like I'm gonna cry, Paige, I'm gonna cry. That's my dream for you.
I just can't stop thinking about like, okay, like what if I got a bob? And I'm like, but what if I did a different kind of bob and it was really more just like he— like, I don't know. And then I'm like, that's a pixie.
Audrey Hepburn, like, and you just do all different— you could do all your weird little fucking bang things.
Yeah, I know.
But like, not— it needs to commit. Like, I want to see the shape of the back of your head.
Here's the thing, here's the thing. It's not just changing my hair. I need new friends. I need new— like, I need new restaurants. I need new outfits.
She goes, you're the first that's getting cut. Babe.
And if you're not fire engine red, I'm sorry, we can't hang out. This—
I can't walk in with a pixie cut and then just my brunette friend.
You need to be something.
Wait, if you walked into the Chanel dinner with a literal pixie, every girl in New York City would have a pixie cut by the fall.
No, I mean, that— it's— that is so extreme. I'd have to really be going through something to just, like, do that extreme.
No, I know.
But I've been thinking about it. There's just so many factors.
I'm inspired by my mom, but like, maybe do it when you're pregnant one day. Like, it's summer, you're pregnant, and you want to cut it off.
I just feel like a massive round face matching my stomach. The last thing I'm thinking about is cutting my hair up to here.
Yeah, your tongue is gonna be too swollen.
Because I gain weight in my face.
First of all, no, you don't.
The first place I gain weight My face.
No, you don't.
No, I do. Oh my God. When I got my wisdom teeth out, my dad said, don't look at me. I said, I'm sorry.
All I have to say is it's giving your cat journey where, like, you told me at one point you were like, literally, go fuck yourself, go fuck yourself, go fuck yourself. And then one day you were like, I have an idea.
I'm no better than a man.
You're no better than a man.
I'm no better than a man.
But it's going to take longer because even when you first said I wanted a cat, it took a lot of time.
One thing about me, I have to do things on my own time.
I know.
And that could be 3 minutes, that could be 3 years.
And that's why one thing I've never— I've never pressured you to do anything, but I do have recommendations.
Yeah.
Where you, on the other hand, will be like, you look like shit, I can't do this anymore, you look like a clown. By the way, the beginning of Summer House, I was blonde.
And no one talks about it.
And no one talks about it. I didn't know I was blonde. Can we talk about that? Do you ever not know that you're blonde? I thought I was just getting highlights.
You know what? I didn't realize you didn't know you weren't blonde until one day you came in with like a super low light and you were like, hey, I was blonde.
It's because I can't communicate with people.
Remember when like J.Lo went— I can't believe I just said J.Lo. Remember when Jennifer Lopez went like super blonde, or like kind of blonde.
Like when Kim Kardashian went blonde.
That's what you were, that color. You were like honeyish.
It's insane how bad I am at communicating when all I fucking do is talk to people all day. But like, I can't communicate. And I never wanted— I always wanted warm, like I like warm tones. Anyway, I have a really bad miscommunication problem. I went to the chiropractor yesterday. Shout out to all my gigglers in the DMs. They're like, hey, I went to Harvard, I'm a physical therapist, this is what you should do. I am going Physical therapy is number one, by the way. I don't recommend chiropractor over physical therapy. Chiropractor was just me having some fun, having some whimsy.
Yeah, just testing it out, seeing what works.
But, um, the lady— like, my biggest fear is when I do stuff, it's gonna make it worse. Like, I got a massage, it made it worse. I'm going to the chiropractor, I'm like, please don't make it worse. I got Botox in my masseters, it made my life worse. This is why I don't do things. This is why I don't leave the house, right? So I go, and I've done this thing. They put the stem machine on your back, and what they normally say is like, let us know when we should stop.
Describe the contraption.
They put this like cold stuff, like an ultrasound, on your back, and then they put these like stickers on, and it adds like electricity.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But they don't want to electrocute you, but they want to like do it strong enough that it's doing something. So you tell them like when It's strong enough.
Is it like instant relief?
It feels like a deep, deep stimulation.
I did something like that, but it was for like to get abs.
You're like, I did that on my clit. Sorry.
Alexa made me go and like do that somewhere on like my butt and my abs.
Did it work?
I mean, maybe. I don't know. Not really.
I'm glad it felt good. But she like— I've done this before. They always say like tell us when it's strong enough. She like didn't say that.
How many levels? Like, like it goes up to like—
You just hear like beep beep and it just keeps getting stronger, but she didn't verbalize, like say something.
Okay.
And like in that moment, by the way, I'm like, she should say that. And then she's like just doing it and I'm like, does she know? And then it gets like really fucking strong and then I guess I like can't be assertive and finally I'm like, that's good. And then she's like, great, leaves the room. It's way too strong. Oh my God, Hannah, my back is like spasming. And then as my back is spasming, I'm like, do I yell from this office? But then I'm like, that's so embarrassing, I'm not yelling from this office. Hannah, you're literally— and then I'm like, I'm trapped, like getting electrocuted, like I'm getting a lobotomy.
How are the patches on you? Are they like stuck to you. Like, they—
Yeah, they're like sticker. You can rip it off, but like, I'm not trying to create a scene.
No, I would have ripped it off. See, that's— I can't be— no, if I'm uncomfortable, I'm screaming.
I have a high tolerance for— my back is like, like, it's lit— I could feel it spasming. And then I'm like, okay, she'll come back to check on me, right? She'll come back. So I'm spasming, and then I hear like someone come into the office, and it's like an old employee, and they're all like, oh my God. So then there's like stuff.
Happy birthday.
He's like, surprise, it's been 20 years. And everyone's like, how have you been? Tell us everything. How's your life? How's your kid? Did you have kids? Did you get married? What was the wedding like?
Well, when I left in 2004, I'll start there.
Like, what? Every employee is now like in the lobby talking to this person. So I'm like, this is now— if I was going to cause a scene, like now, like this is way too— yeah, I can't. So then she eventually came in and I was like, can you make it a little less? And she's like, okay. Good news, I woke up this morning, my back's not fucked. But, um, that's just a glimpse into the life of me trying to better myself.
How long realistically do you think you were laying there with it turned all the way up? Like, like 5 minutes?
It felt like 2 hours. It was probably like 8 minutes.
No.
So you would have like escaped?
Before she left the room, I would have been like, actually, let's lower it a little.
You know, that's what it is. I don't listen to my first instinct.
You have to. You have to. It's— you, you have to. That's the only thing I listen to.
Do you know what I want to say though, now that I'm 35? I was voice noting someone and like I knew tea about someone that they knew, and normally I would just be like wanting to be liked and just like tell them just to like be a fun friend.
Did you tell me this tea?
Yeah, you know this, Jane.
Oh, okay, proceed.
And then I stopped for a second. I said, you know what, you can't just tell everyone everything.
You can't.
And I've lived my whole life telling everyone everything. I'm trying to be like, okay, she might not think this conversation's as fun as it would have been, but I don't need to spread information to people who might— I don't trust with it.
Well, what people don't realize truly the art of gossip is to, is to actually not gossip.
Oh!
Because so many people like will tell you things because they'll be like, who's she gonna tell? She's never told a single soul. So you have to have one person that you tell everything to, but you can't say it to everyone because then not everyone's gonna tell you stuff. And so you You need to keep your mouth shut so that certain people feed you the info. Like, I feel like I've stared people straight in the face, listened to a story that they've told me about themselves, and in my head I've been like, I already know. Like, I already know this gossip. I was gossiping with someone? Not even. I actually wasn't gossiping because it was about myself. I was telling someone something about myself and this person started to cry and I was like, oh my God, why are you crying? Like, it's— I truly— you don't have to cry. Like, I'm not upset. Like, I'm just like, I'm telling you this story that happened in my life. You don't have to cry about this. They stopped crying and they said, yeah, sorry, I actually don't know why I did that because I already know this story.
She was acting too hard. They're like, act like you never heard it before, and she's like—
It was one of those moments, honey, I remember where I was, what time it was, what day of the week. I stopped dead in my tracks. I go, never have I ever had someone admit to me that they were like— that they were scamming me, like that they already knew the gossip. Now, if I know something I'm not saying— I'm not saying, yeah, I know, so-and-so told me. Especially if you're telling me like a vulnerable story. I'm, I'm in the moment with you. I'm forgetting that I even knew this.
You don't want to give away your source.
Yeah.
I do feel like there's a lot of comedy gossip where like when I'm on the road with my openers, like I haven't been in the clubs in a minute, so I— that's the best gossip because like I'm not there, so I'm like, it's— it doesn't have to do with me.
Yeah.
So that's like the best kind of gossip.
Gossip about other people? Yeah, that's the best when you're not involved, your friends aren't involved. That's the best kind of gossip.
I think people open up to me and then I have this wealth of knowledge. I would never tell if someone says don't tell anyone. I wouldn't tell. It was insecurities of my own that I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough just existing. And you have to have unconditional love surrounding you, not based on good gossip that you figured out.
Sometimes I've gotten some of the best gossip in the world and someone has called me and been like, I know you have this gossip. And I have been like, I really don't. What do you— like, what have you heard?
Also, thing, I can't lie.
Yeah.
You're You're better not lying, but you're better at poker face.
Yes, because I feel like I, deep down in my core of my personality, is, who are you? I don't owe you anything. Who are you to ask me something that I know that you think that you should also know? Where you're nicer.
One follow-up question, you get it from me. One follow-up.
where you don't think— you don't have that.
No, I am. You know what it is? This is what it is. I'm too trusting.
And you're not pessimistic about anything, where I am.
When I meet someone, I assume they're angels. I assume they've been brought to me by God to be a beautiful spirit in my life. And then I get fucked.
And 9 times out of 10.
And it's crazy at 30. That's what it is. I'm so trusting that I assume people will like, savor the information the right way, not use it against me, not use it against other people, because I'm just having innocent fun.
No, because the first person they're calling, they're saying, guess what the fuck Hannah Berner just told me? That's how they're starting out the story.
And I don't know if it's also because I am like a tennis nerd where like my, my social stuff was like me playing mind games with girls on tennis courts. It wasn't like friend drama. Like, my drama was competing. You're all-girls school, like, that's 101. You, you use information as power.
My boyfriend in high school got asked to prom from— by a different girl at a different school at like 2 in the afternoon. I knew by 2:15. Like, I— there were no bounds to my web. Like, I knew—
You had eyes and ears everywhere, babe.
He was like, I just left that class, how'd you find that out?
You go, also, it was me who asked him. I was testing him.
I go, it was me in a wig.
In a mustache.
This is before we had DMs, okay? We were old school. We stalked. Like cyberstalking? Get a grip, get in a car, drive by his house. Like, what?
Also, this girl I posted on my story, this, this great tennis player actually who works for the USTA found— we were in the eastern section.
Wait, the USDA?
You would love this. The United States Tennis Association.
USTA. Why did I just think like worked for like me? Like the USDA? I'm like, wait, works for like a farm?
Which honestly sounds amazing. So you would have loved it because tennis was divided by sections. So there was like, there's Eastern girls, there's the Southern girls. So like we would have this thing called zonals where we'd be like the Eastern girls will compete against like the Southern girls. I love that. And it was fucking crazy. But also we, the Eastern girls, would compete against each other. So we also had beef with each other. So it was just like really complicated and layered. But they, I guess they'd have these like little magazines where they'd put photos of like the rankings. And she found like in 2004, I guess I was number 1 in girls doubles in for the Eastern section. And I saw that photo, I remember like the young Hannah that like that was everything. Yeah, to be in that little magazine and my face. And I'm just like, but like when you're in that magazine, you're like, how old?
2004.
2004.
You're what, in like—
I guess I was like 12, 13. Yeah, I was 12.
Wow, time really flies.
No, I know. Ich hab gehört, du willst deinen Mobilfunkvertrag kündigen? Aber so einfach lass ich dich nicht davonkommen! Wie wär's mit einem XXL-Streaming-Abo?
Einem Zweit-Handy?
Nein, nein, nein! Ich möchte doch nur in Ruhe gelassen werden!
Nur ein Albtraum.
Damit Mobilfunk im echten Leben kein Albtraum wird: FRANK. Von Beginn an ohne Mindestvertragslaufzeit, monatlich kündbar, für 10€ im Monat.
FRANK.
Nein, FRANK.
Ich heiße Shannon Maldonado und bin die Gründerin von YOWI, einem Geschenkeladen, der auf Kunstwerke und handgefertigte Objekte spezialisiert ist.
Meine Wahl fiel auf Shopify, weil Shopify im Vergleich zu den anderen Plattformen, die ich getestet habe, Mit am benutzerfreundlichsten war. Ich habe vor allem an die Zukunft gedacht.
Alle Tools, die für die Auswertung von Verkaufszahlen wichtig sind, zum Beispiel von Lagerbeständen, findet man direkt im Dashboard. Starte jetzt einen kostenlosen Test auf shopify.com.
Do you know how I know I'm old? This new thing is happening to me when I see another girl. especially if she's younger, I like want to call her a nickname.
Don't do that.
Not, not like a like, hi sweetie, but like I want to be like, hi honey. Like I want—
Oh yes, yes, yes.
And I've never had that urge, but now I really want—
What age are you starting? Like, where are you seeing a girl and you're like—
Maybe like early 20s. I just want to be like, hi hon, hi babe. Like I want to baby them. And it's funny because when you're their age and older women say honey to you, you're like, Please don't do that.
Yeah, please don't do that.
It's something that just happens when you're older. You just like wanna give them pet names.
You wanna nurture. Yeah, there we—
it's—
I think it's Mother Nature. I think it's our biological clock.
I didn't consciously decide this though. It just started coming out. I'd be like, hi honey.
I think it's the thing that men try to weaponize against us.
Yeah, I'm trying to take it, take it back.
That's how I feel honestly sometimes watching certain reality shows where the girls are so much younger. I'm like, Oh, but I like— I need to message her. Do you know how many times I've had to stop myself from DMing people on reality TV that are younger than me? And honestly, I, I haven't even— I don't stop myself sometimes.
Oh, I said I fully DM people.
Like, sometimes they actually need to hear from me.
I know what you're going through, it's gonna be okay.
There was one girl I wanted to DM like a couple years ago and just be like, don't let him gaslight you, don't you dare. But I was like, I can't get in, I can't get involved, I can't get involved.
Not to tease, but my reality show that I'm hosting, there were moments where I was like trying to make eye contact with one of the girls, and I was literally— at one point I looked at her and I'm like, you're right, like, it's okay, like, I was giving them— like, I was trying to coach them through my eyes because like, definitely not part of the job description for me to like take sides, but I was like, girl, look at me, you're good, you're Don't talk anymore, you're good.
Don't say anything, they're trying to get it out of you. I think one of the reasons I don't do it more often is because I'm like, oh, what if she like screenshots this and posts this? And, and like—
How many times do you write it out and then delete it?
I will— oh, so many times where I'm like, girl, do not under any circumstances.
Because I've felt moments where I've wanted to like write whole paragraphs to Whitney from Um, well, Housewives of Mormon Wives. Sorry, slow. What is it? Slow Mormon Wives: The Secrets?
The Secrets of—
Why is it so many fucking words?
No, it's really— it's, it's actually infuriating. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I want whoever, whoever put that through and said, yeah, this is the name, come to the front. Because what were you thinking?
Um, so that's coming out, but like there's a lot of drama with it, right?
Oh, I don't even know. I'm not even— I'm not in the know.
Wait, I feel like it's coming out like today.
Oh, is it? I feel like— did I— I didn't even see any promo.
There's something weird with it.
Oh, honestly amazing because—
Yeah.
Oh, I'm gonna make breakfast.
I know, you're like suddenly have a purpose.
I have a pep in my step. Um, you want to know something though that I think is a good learning lesson for us because we are getting older and we do have these urges to reach out? We have an urge for human connection. We've been virtual for too long.
We forgot that we could actually sit together for this podcast. We haven't been in the same place.
We haven't been in the same place. Starting in the beginning of October, that's it, we're back.
You're gonna be so sick of us at the table together.
We're coming to the table.
Elbows on the table, baby.
We keep coming up with spin-off shows. Now what was I saying?
What was I saying? That we're yearning for human connection. Yes.
As we yearn for human connection, I think one of the, the, one of the most amazing things about getting older is you get that urge to reach out to someone who may be younger, do it. Like, I think that is the whole point. So like, sometimes when I do stop myself— I mean, I stop myself for like different reasons because like it could get into the wrong hands— but like, if I'm in person with someone and a girl brings something up to me, I'm grabbing her hand and I'm giving it to her straight.
Like, well, if you could change someone's life Do it.
I'll get a lot of normal DMs of like boyfriend and girlfriends fighting, and they'll give me the scenario, should I break up with them? And I don't respond to some of them because I'm like, this is normal, you're gonna figure it out, I'm not worried about you. But sometimes I'll get like a really insane one from a girl, and I'm, and I'm like, if I don't respond, this could be the whole rest of her life.
She could have kids with this man.
Like, there was one, I, I can't even like really remember the details, but I was like, Get out. Get out. If you don't get out by tomorrow, like, message me.
I do get messages from girls where they're like, I know I should leave, I know I should leave. And I feel like they just send it to me where I know that they're just like, if Hannah responds, it's like they already know they should leave. So then I just go, yeah, you know what you're doing. Like, I'll just like agree, kind of like what psychics do where they're like, yes, you're, you're on your path.
Yes, and it's very improv.
It's very improv. It's very— but also my favorite though is people being like, I've— I found this cat in the driveway, should I keep it? And I'm like, yes, here's an Amazon list for all the things you need to buy. It's really not— it's, it's affordable. Like, just wet food, I got you. I'll help you name it, I'll help you raise it. Um, also a thing with getting older, do you know when you're younger and like your aunt says stuff to you and you're like, why would you say that?
Like, yeah.
Do you know even little things like you're at a family reunion and someone comes up to you and they're like, Can I sit next to you? And you're like, yeah, sit. Like, I don't give a fuck, sit. Like, why are you asking? And then I'm literally going up to Loafie. No, but you know how everyone's like, is it okay if I sit next to you? Is this seat taken?
Yeah.
And you're just like, yeah, why are you asking?
You're like, no, you old bag, sit down.
But then I'm literally like, Lois will be like finger painting and there's like a seat next to her and I don't know where it comes from. It's like a guttural thing. I just go, can I sit next to you? And she looks at me, she's like, bitch, sit down. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck, bitch. Why are you asking? Sit the fuck down. And I'm like, is it okay if Auntie Hannah may plop a squat next to you? She gets on it. I'm like, is this seat taken, Lolo? I am Every older person that asked me weird shit, I'm doing— you got so big. You got—
you're big.
Let's stop saying that to people. You were so little and now you're so big. Yeah, no shit.
I think Lois is a really good reminder for us that like we're not geriatric, we're not moms yet, so we have to remember like Get it together. Yeah, get it together.
It was Lois's birthday yesterday. She's 4 years old.
Time flies.
And Jeannie's TikTok's been going viral.
Time flies when you're unemployed. Truly.
I wanted to text her so bad happy birthday. Like, I, I searched Lois in my phone and then I'm like, oh, I have to go through her mom. I'm like, Jeannie, give me the phone. Get the phone to Lois.
I know you're her legal guardian, but can you pass the phone?
Also, she was just stuffing her face with spaghetti. I'm like, you're so— you're such a giggler.
That's so such a birthday energy.
Because we come up with business ideas on this pod, I was like, Jeannie, I have the best fucking idea, like the best invention, because the— they'll eat their spaghetti and then it's— they take the phone, it gets everywhere. There's spaghetti all over the house they were staying at.
Um, Why is that? Do— am I delusional that I think like—
Your kid's gonna be neat? Your kid's gonna know how to use a fork and knife out of the womb?
I just think I'm like so delusional. Not my— not maybe my son. No, how misogynistic of me. Oh my God. No, I just think that my daughter's gonna come out like perfect.
What are the classes they take to like know how to use which fork to use? She won't have to take them. She just knows.
Like etiquette? She teaches them. She's a 4-year-old baby genius. She's like, tuck your shirt in. Obviously it's gonna happen. I'm gonna have kids and they're gonna make a mess, but I just feel like my daughter's gonna be like the least messy of the messy kids.
The giggle is turning on me. I cannot wait to see what comes out of you because there's a 50/50 chance.
And neither can I.
Oh yeah, I was like, spaghetti is— and the red sauce, it gets everywhere. I'm like, what if we invented a sauce that didn't dye clothes. And she was like, yeah, it's called pasta with butter. And I'm like, you're fucking good.
I thought you were like gonna try and take the red. I'm like, how are we taking the red out of tomato? And that's just clear, and that's—
it's disgusting. Olive oil? But no, like, kids' favorite food is like The most diabolical— it gets everywhere, the marinara sauce. That's the one thing Italians need to work on.
Pasta with butter, I mean, I'll always come back to her.
Do you put a little Parmesan on it or no?
A little.
Oh, you, you drown it.
Honey, I'm using so much butter and Parmesan cheese, your head would spin. Yeah, it's almost like inedible.
I love that.
It's the best.
I love that.
I don't know if this is on your algorithm, and it's probably not, but I feel like it's going a little bit viral. But there's this like teenage boy— I think he's a teenage boy, honestly, I haven't looked into it— but he said that he, he made like a serious video that like he thinks he could beat like a chimpanzee in a fight.
Also, why are you trying to hurt an animal? Oh, where's Peter?
People were like stitching the video, like, in no situation, like, could you beat a chimpanzee? And I feel like it's becoming the new, like, I can land a plane. Like, do you really think I couldn't land a plane? Like, I could land this plane. And I don't know why I did, and I almost think my comment got deleted.
What did you say?
Like, he made like a follow-up video of like, no, this is why I could beat a chimpanzee, and I just commented, then do it. Quit making TikToks about it.
This is the plot of Planet of the Apes, okay?
Like, it's—
tell him to watch Planet of the Apes. The world is going to be run by apes because all the men tried to fight them and apes were like, what are you doing?
But one of the reasons I love when things like this happen on the internet, when these like niche random videos are like viral, is because some of the comments are so funny. And somebody commented, and I don't know why this made me laugh so hard, but he was like, a chimp would absolutely park you, dude.
Like, and I— You just imagine a chimp being like, let me go, bro, let me go.
It's like, yeah, he would put you in the ground.
Like, there's also— what's with the violence?
Like, no, men, like, that's how they measure— I think, I think that's something in their own insecurity to like measure their worth based on how strong physically they are.
The other thing I like about older men is like scientifically their testosterone is leveling out.
Yeah, I would say I have the same amount of testosterone as any man in their 40s.
You are just a 40-year-old man.
I low-key am. It's actually gross.
Speaking of testosterone, actually that's This is not a segue. I was trying, but I can't. I can't yes-end it. Um, I'm a little nervous about the fashion show tomorrow because there's something about when I'm with you in public settings, I get giddy. Do you know when I get like all excited, I'm talking to everyone, and when I'm at the show, like, I feel like I'm gonna cheer?
Dare I say we drowned out the noise?
Yeah.
It's really just you and I when we're there.
Do you have any rules for me etiquette-wise? Because I don't want to embarrass you in front of people. Like, I know I do, but—
Well, you can't cheer.
But like, if I like something, I can't be like, yes, honey.
Okay.
Yes.
This is actually a really good debate that I don't think I've seen anyone truly talk about. I think you have to go with the vibe of the show.
Yeah, you— it's like the US Open. Like, see what other people are doing and follow the salmon.
It's more like it has to be an internal vibe check of like, I could yell right now and it would be received well. Yeah, I would never, even if it was— yeah, yeah, you know what I mean?
Yes.
Like, I'm never sitting at a runway show and yelling.
But like, if you make eye contact with a model that you know—
I smile, but I'm clapping. I'm always clapping. I'm not not cheering them on.
I'm like, that's my girl!
I'm not like sitting at them and being like, that's your walk. Like, no, I'm cheering.
Yes, but I'm not—
I'm not making it vocal. I think that's That's— I think it's a little like—
it's the sports in me where it's like you have to— you're like, yes, let's go, babe, come on!
Like, one time I was at a fashion show and it was like very, very intimate. Like, it was not a lot of people at all. There was like 2 separate rooms.
It was a dinner?
Yeah, it was an event where people were eating. Um, and this one girl was like yelling the whole time, and I'm like, It's not even the vibe here.
You could just say my name. But this is the thing with fashion shows, the music's loud. Like when we went to Michael Kors, it was loud. I, I think because it's not my first— it was just my first show, I was unaware that people like don't react.
Like if I'm at the Victoria's Secret fashion show, yes.
You're yelling. Yes, yes, yes. But also, we don't have to be on a Wintour when people walk down. You don't have to like have a poker face.
But also, I'm rarely raising my— I'm rarely— yeah, name another situation where I'm yelling.
Like, you've literally yelled at men and there's not gonna be any like men.
And that's it. I'm only raising my voice at a man. In any other situation, I'm not yelling. Yeah, I'm not making— no.
Yeah, that's such a good point. So, but also like Michael Kors, this is the 3rd year they've invited me, so I clearly haven't offended anyone. I love them to death. I love the team, love Michael. Like, sometimes it's good to be in the background in certain situations. Yes, you're really good, you know when to step back.
Yeah, sometimes I'm like, I'm actually leaving. I'm so in the background, I'm going home.
Sometimes it's okay to be an extra.
Before we leave, I just wanted to say, um, Daphne is launching a— the St. Jude t-shirt. Because I am the Childhood Cancer Awareness Ambassador and I've partnered with St. Jude and we're gonna do like a bunch of different things throughout the year. But the first thing was Daphne making this t-shirt. So they're going— they should be online today. And—
Is it a Hannah tee?
It's a Hannah tee with the St. Jude logo. And I just have to tell this like really quick story because like I love Daphne, the label and the cat, but because there's so many different things that happen that are fun and just like funny that you're just like, in what world? So we were like mocking up this t-shirt and we were like doing different things, and at one point we like wrote like, okay, Saint Jude logo here, and we're like, okay, let's see like how that would look, let's like make it. And when we got it back, it said Saint Jude logo here.
Okay, Nike once did a like tennis thing where it said like logo here, and it was like iconic. It's kind of like the Marc Jacobs where they were like the tote bag.
Yes.
So maybe it's like, look, someone—
And I was like, I don't know if this is gonna work, but there were just so many funny things like that that will happen at Daphne. But—
And that's a startup, baby.
And that's a startup. And I'm so excited about this because when I first started Daphne, I was like thinking about what charity, yeah, would make the most sense for us to partner with. And someone something happened and someone had said St. Jude, and I was like, that's so weird, I have an email from someone from St. Jude for something so different. And it just felt very like universe telling me. So I like reached out to them and we partnered together. And so I'm really excited about this t-shirt.
I love that so much. And because it's the Hannah tee, let me know any events I can come to to represent my My brand.
Into your involvement.
Um, well, that's amazing. Um, final question, shout out St. Jude, is, um, fringe for fall. Are we doing it or not?
Fringe for fall? I feel like fringe is always fall for fall.
Okay, it's not, it's not too whimsical? Like, you know, if you like turn and like hit someone with your fringe, like, is it too much?
No, you can do fringe.
Okay.
Here's what I'll say, I haven't bought anything fringe yet. But go off, pop off, queen.
Okay, you heard it, you heard it from the source. Um, guys, we love you so much. Have an amazing weekend. I'll see you at the US Open. I'm there all weekend, 2 days in a row. Love you guys, talk to you later.
Bye!
Hannah has almost convinced Paige to get a pixie cut and we've been prepping for Fashion Week. shop merch Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.