Transcript of Giggling about swans, sleepovers, and school dances

Sup, gigglers? Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

Did you press record?

Yep.

Okay, Grace isn't here right now, so we have to triple check everything because if we mess up, she's gonna kill us. We're so scared right now. Hello, my— oh my God, people, I love when they send me stuff. My grilled cheese gigglers, let's go! I like that one.

Um, I just want to do a PSA really quickly before we get into anything.

Yes.

There is in fact multiple registry apps.

Yeah, we're getting tagged up the wazoo.

We've got Wistful— Wishful. We've got Giftful.

We've got—

I mean, I've never been inundated in my DMs more over a topic.

Also, people are like, Amazon wishlist, ever heard of it? Pedrosaur ball?

No, I'm literally— I was like, I have a great idea.

Your face is on the top of it. Also, can we bring back up the wazoo?

I wasn't aware that it left.

I got my hair dyed again today, but—

Oh.

It's not the color we agreed upon.

Yeah, I'm no better than Amanda because I didn't notice.

Well, I just got like my roots, but—

Honey, we want fire engine.

So this sounds so bougie, and sorry, I have my Invisalign in. Let me know if I should take it out. But I have hair extensions that my glam team uses. I feel like I'm Erika Jayne right now. And they basically were like, if you dye your hair a different red, we can't use your extensions. And they were like, if you dye your hair, you have to dye your extensions too.

Okay.

And I was like, this is too much admin for me. So then I obviously like forgot to bring extensions and I was like, just fucking do it normally. But I go to this place I sit down and what I always do is I show them the formula on my phone. I've never had an issue.

The formula of the color?

Yeah.

Okay, how did you get that?

My girl gave it to me and was like, if you're in a pinch, just— and it's, it honestly looks like really hard algebra. Like, they're women in STEM, all of them.

Like the ammonium phthalocyanate, like, yeah.

Yeah, and then it's like 7C8 divided by times pi.

Yeah.

They look at it, they don't even take a screenshot, they're just like, got it. And I'm like, I don't think you did.

I would trust a hairstylist to do open heart surgery on me. Like, truly.

I don't know what's in the ether with me, but this person looks at it and they go, this doesn't make sense. And I'm like, how? Every time I deal with someone, it's their first time on Earth.

Yeah, you always have a thing.

And I go, I'm not trying to start drama, but I'm like, I have showed this to like maybe like 9 different hairstylists and they've all like been like, yes, and they did it. And the guy was like, I'll be right back. Gone for 30 minutes, comes back, he's like, you pressed highlights. Highlights takes 2 hours, but you actually want a single process, um, and that doesn't take that long, so you booked the wrong appointment. And I'm like, I'm so sorry, I didn't— I didn't know what to say. I didn't— I'm so sorry. So he's like, over me at this point. And I'm like, he's going back and forth with me. He's like, do you think it's a B instead of a C? And I was like, that's above my pay grade. Like, I'm not gonna— I also am afraid if you change one thing, like, I'm gonna come out blue. And then I'm sitting there being like, the gigolos are gonna kill me. Like, I found myself in this situation again. He's— and he was like, is it okay if I don't use Redken? And I was like, I think someone didn't use Redken before and it'll be okay.

He goes, okay. He leaves. And I'm like, I'm in my Botox Appointment all over again. Like the universe puts you right in the same place. Granted, it came out great, but I'm like, I didn't learn anything.

Well, I was just gonna say, and how'd you find this place, Hannah?

You know, it's actually a very well-established place, but I mean, I did like randomly book him. That was on me. That was on me. And it was like a last-second booking.

You know, you don't have any like adrenaline-seeking parts of your personality, but sometimes you have— you're like too decisive. Like, you're like, no, I'll do it right now actually.

Oh, I'm a doer, but the problem is I've never done anything weeks in advance.

Yeah.

Like, I literally woke up and I was like, I have to shoot something on Friday, it's Wednesday, tomorrow I have to dye my hair, book it now.

You know, I could probably do it for you one time.

I mean, I trusted you with my spray tan, I'll trust you with my hair.

No, like, I feel like if I watched 3 tutorials on YouTube, got some boxed Hair dye. I could do that.

The way you said tutorial just scratched my brain. Say it again.

Tutorial. Tutorial.

Um, shout out to supporting another girl's girl.

Yeah.

Who's the girl I sent you who looks so fucking good?

Daisy Edgar-Jones.

She has this new hair color they're calling Strawberry Brunette that I think is the direction I'm gonna go. Because one thing about us, if you give it a brand, I'll do it. So Strawberry Brunette, you guys, look at it. It's It's cute for fall.

The giggler should know that on Friday night we're having a slumbie party. No, we're having an adult slumber party.

Can I say the cutest thing? And like, I don't like to address that you have a boyfriend. I don't want to expose his life on this podcast, but I just have to say, one of your first arguments was that you went to his house and he didn't have snacks, and you texted me and you were like, Hey, like everything's been great with him, but there's this one thing that's like really freaking me out.

No, freaking me out.

Now I come from a non-snack family. Like people come over to my house and they're like, you got anything like for in-between meals? And we're like, no, there's pasta tonight.

Yeah.

So you go to his house and you're like, where's the snacks? And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. And you trained him to make sure that when anyone walks in the house, there are snacks available for them and all different types of snacks for all times of the day.

Different walks of life may come into my home. God forbid I've got a gluten-free girl who's looking for a meal. I need to have something to offer her.

Mm-hmm. God forbid I need some protein beef jerky to go to sleep at night.

And if we're just leaving it up to Joe, you'll get mixed nuts and a water bottle.

So I'm gonna cry. Last night he texts the group chat Hey, Han, what snacks do you like? He literally was like, Han is coming over, shit, I don't have snacks, she's gonna be mad if I don't have the right snacks. I'm like, Paige bullied you so, so hard.

It makes them better people.

But I also loved it because it seemed like he was asking for my rider.

Yeah.

He's like, what do you want in your bedroom? Like, Kim DeSorbo would have a Ferrero Rocher, but I'm Let's not try to compete with that.

Well, I would never try and compete with Kim DeSorbo, but I will say, for you as my guest, I did book you a massage for the moment you land.

You guys, we're, we're like a married couple that hasn't seen each other in a while.

So I obviously am getting like my weekly massage that I love, and she comes to my home and she walks in and I go, We're gonna do something a little different today. And she was like, what's going on? And I said, I'm not having any pain, but I feel like when I watch myself talk—

That's sad.

That's so sad. Okay, so she walks in, I'm like, I feel like my jaw is like going to one side, but I don't have like TMJ. I don't have any pain.

I gaslit you. I'm like, it's not.

So whatever, she's doing the massage. She's put— she puts gloves on, like she went inside my mouth. Hannah, I had an out-of-body experience. And then when she, she did a full head massage, neck, because she was like, I feel like your neck is really tight and that's like coming up to your jaw, whatever. When we're done, before I even open my eyes, she goes, I can't wait to see what your face looks like, like sit up. And she never says that. Usually she's like, and slowly get up, like on your own time, like No rush, whatever. She goes, sit up, I need to see your face. I sit up, she goes, oh my God, go look in the mirror, go look in the mirror. So if I'm looking a little more symmetrical today—

Wait, your eye got popped out?

Well, I, I said I do have like small orbital bone issues, and she was like, let me look at you. I actually stood in front of her naked because she was like, I want to see where your body just naturally falls.

She's like, this nipple's over here, this toe's over there. You love— but you, that's what you're like. I look at myself naked in the mirror all the time, someone else has to. I'm like, you love me.

Let me know your calculations because I'll tell you mine for sure. So then she said— I— she's a giggler, obviously. And she was like, I really, really wish I could get my hands on Hannah. And I'm like, well, she's truly the tightest person I know. I go, she can't touch her toes. She goes, she can't touch her— I go, her hips are a mess. I go, actually, she's coming on Friday night to spend the night. Do you have any time available? And she was like, I will make myself available for Hannah. I gotta get in her mouth. And I was like— because she was like, her jaw tension, like, I can see it when she talks.

See, I love witchy people who are like, yeah, I can see from looking at you, like, you can't handle cheese.

Speaking of witchy people, I begged Morgan Stewart to give me her, uh, psychic. Psychic. She texted me and she was like, under no circumstances can you give this name to— this is my near and dear. I feel like I'm holding like the secrets of the world.

Well, LA psychics are like next level. Like Salem and LA are like similar, similar auras. Yeah.

So anyway, I haven't emailed him back yet because I'm like nervous. I'm like, wait, what if you tell me something and I'm just like, no thank you?

You love the chase of a new psychic.

I love someone with fresh eyes on my future, you know? Like, I need fresh eyes.

Like, let's start from scratch.

Wait, I have something so sad to say.

Oh no.

Sweet, sweet Kitty had to go for her like checkup for whatever, like her 1-year whatever. And so we take her to the vet and The vet was like, okay, she's really obese, like extraordinarily obese. And I'm like, okay, like, well, what are we talking here? She was like, not only does she need to lose 4 to £5, but we're gonna put her on a prescription food because whatever you're doing at home, it's not working. I just look at Kitty and Kitty just looks at me and I'm like, you're a model.

No, but do they understand that the more plump she is, the cuter she is?

I'm like, okay, she was fatter 2 years ago and you didn't have to put her on prescription food. And so I had to order it and it comes in like 2 days.

Oh, so you're like, sorry, everyone's on Ozempic nowadays. God forbid someone just has a natural body.

I'm like, does her stomach touch the floor when she walks? Yeah, but she likes that. No, it doesn't, but like it's close to it.

See, I thought she would have lost weight from like playing with the dog and like being mean to the dog. Like that burns calories.

She lays down and hits the dog. Like she's— no, like when I say I birthed this cat, I birthed this cat so much that like when we are on our way to like photo shoots or any job that she's in, she yells in the car. Like she knows she's going to work, but the minute we step on set Perfect angel.

She's a pleasure to work with.

She's a pleasure to work with.

Do you know what she needs? A matching walking pad that you guys can walk in the morning, make your calls, call your mom, drink your iced coffee.

No, I think I do. I think I need to get her moving more. But like, we play every day. Like, she'll run, but she'll only run for like 7 minutes max. She's like, okay.

I do think some cats naturally have that body type. And like, let's be honest, you don't see like tiny skinny Ragdolls. They're voluptuous.

No, Ragdolls are big.

They're gorgeous.

And like the boys, the boys are big. Like if you're getting a boy Ragdoll, that's a big cat.

Yeah, I mean, I think she's perfect.

Same.

I'm so sorry that— did she hear what they were saying about her?

Yeah, she did, right in front of her.

She can hear you.

Yeah, and like she loves looking in the mirror and I haven't seen her look in the mirror in 2 days.

It's like some people's faces look better rounder.

Yeah. Did I ever tell you like the time I caught her just like staring at the mirror like in the middle of the night?

Naked?

I'm like, Kitty, yeah, we gotta— like, I'm like, now I know how people feel around me. It's enough. Like, you make everything about yourself.

Speaking of people And sexiness. Yeah, I don't know if it's just like the vibe, our culture right now, but like it feels tone deaf and unnecessary to have a People's Sexiest Man right now.

Yes, and this is the type of combo that I wanted to have on Giggly Squad because what man are they even gonna pick?

I've never once been like, you know what we need? to list a bunch of sexy men. I feel like no man's sexy right now unless you're speaking up for women's wrongs and rights. You're not sexy.

Do they pick right now? Like, is now the time?

I think they like nominated— like, I just feel like it's not the right time in our society. Yeah, to be worried about who's the sexiest man right now. I'd say none of them. No one's sexy until Women feel like we can walk down the street at night.

Did you see that video where it was like a guy went around being like, if you had— didn't have to worry about your safety at all from men, what would you do? And every woman was like, go for a walk.

Walk on the West Side Highway once.

No, like they never have to think about being kidnapped.

Some girl also did a very— it's not funny, but just interesting. She was like, imagine if there's a group chat where someone said free penis. Yeah, the girls would be like, ew.

Did you see the video where it was like a bachelorette party and they were like, we ran into a guy who was really drunk and we charged his phone, figured out where he was living, and like made sure he was home?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's really— it's a really scary, scary world, specifically for women. That's why— that's why podcasts like Giggly Squad and other female-led podcasts are really so important because at the end of the day, the community with each other, it's longevity. It's good for your soul.

Mm-hmm.

Like, it's like these men truly— there's so much nuance in the world that just goes right over their head. So it's like you can't connect with a man ever on everything. You can't. You have to like pick your battles and pick your things because it's never gonna be— it's just never gonna be the same the way you talk to your girlfriends.

And I think what I love about comedy is that you can get your point across in such a more palatable way where like if someone just goes on a rant online, people are like, I'm not listening to that. But if you say something so funny that leaves you thinking, like that's the genius behind it. But that's also like Giggly Squad. All we do is talk about mental health, but we don't call ourselves a mental health pod. So no one calls it that because That would be like intense. We're like—

Yeah.

But we're sending subliminal messages. I mean, I do say mental health moment, which is pretty in your face. But, um, our— my favorite Woman of STEM of the Week goes to Avedel Ash, who's a comedian who had the funniest bit that I posted on my Instagram. And she's like, we should replace the word rapist with raper to sound more like murderer, killer, instead of like artist, philanthropist, florist.

Oh my God, I never thought of that.

She's like, because rape is about power.

Yeah, well, that is a good one.

It's my entire feed right now, so I'm just— we're in the dark times. But yeah, vote People's Sexiest Men of the Year Award.

Well, I think what's even scarier is that the younger generation of men are scarier than even our generation of men, and I thought they couldn't get scarier.

I thought after Mulan everyone was going to be like, girls are cool. After Milan, the guys are gonna be like, she's awesome.

I don't know, I thought maybe when we were dominating the job market, making 10 times more what men are making, and we've only been able to truly be in the workforce for like 30, 40 years, that they'd be like, oh, maybe they are equal to us. And like, now that we're getting close to like baby-making age, which—

I love how we had to be 34 to like be like, should we have a baby?

I just started thinking about it yesterday. I'm like, Wait, what about that mother thing everyone's talking about?

No, it's never crossed my desk, and no one asked me about it.

You cannot pressure someone to have a baby.

Someone tried to pressure you to have a baby?

I mean, I feel like a lot of people have tried to like put me in a box.

I feel like we've both— we've dated different kinds of guys.

I've dated more outwardly evil. You've dated evil that you were like, Wait a minute.

I've dated, I think, more outwardly charming evil, but less wealthy.

Well, and you pick your battles, you know. I hated my life at a 5-star dinner. You hated your life on someone's couch.

But I was laughing.

But same.

I'm in this interesting place, which I did talk about. I don't know if it was in my stand-up special, but I was just saying like so many girls get mad that after you get married, people are like, are you gonna have a baby? Are you gonna have a baby?

Yeah.

And I was like, that's so annoying. The second you get married, everyone thinks you're just like a baby maker.

Yeah.

But then like, no one's asked me to the point that I'm like, I don't know, maybe everyone's just like super respectful nowadays, but I don't think so. I see TikToks, people ask other people about babies. I'm like, do I not look capable?

Yeah, what do you think that is?

Because like— Maybe I've like, I'm so, I'm such a feminist that they're like, I, I'll— I know I'll offend her if I ask her about babies.

I also feel like that's so like male-coded and has like changed the meaning of feminist. It's like, okay, being a feminist doesn't mean you're not married and have children. Like, it— that's just—

Very good point, very good point.

It's like them trying to weaponize the word feminist. It's like, look, they don't even want to bring life into the world.

It's like, I think the idea of being a mother is just evolving.

Well, it's also like, no, I don't want to have a daughter and now in 20 years have to think about her going to her college to further her education and your dumbass son attacks her.

Like, isn't it funny that no one has to educate girls not to assault boys?

I don't know, but like, at what age as a parent do you stop calling the other kid's Never. Because I, I feel like, come on, I'll call her mom. Like, I feel like I am gonna be such a like, and I'll talk to his parents vibe. Like, even when they're in college, I'm like, I'm showing up at their house.

This is like old school Brooklyn story, but my dad was getting beat up by this older girl at Brooklyn Tech who was like huge. Like, she'd like went through puberty already. My dad was like still skinny and he was like scared to go to school because this girl was beating his ass. And my grandpa, it was like back then where you're like, what block does she live on? And he was like, 6th Street. And he's like, we're going. Brings my dad, goes into the person's house. Hey, your daughter's beating the shit out of my son and I'm gonna need you to stop it.

Oh my God.

And she would like look at him in the window of the classroom and be like, you, after school. Like he was really, but then he said that summer he like worked out and like went through puberty and like showed up and he was like beast and she left him alone. And so your dad And he was like, I think she had a crush on me. I'm like, okay, whatever, whatever you do. And then I saw an old TikTok that I had posted. You know, like, you just forget your old personalities.

Yeah, I've reinvented so many times, I like— I can't.

Do you remember when you first heard that if you kick a guy in the balls, like, it hurts him, and you were like, okay, that's the answer to all my problems?

Yeah, probably like middle school was the first time I realized that like they cry if they get kicked in the balls.

So I think I was like 6 or 7. I think I told this like 2 or 3 years ago on the pod, but my dad was like blocking me from like where I wanted to go. Like I was clearly being crazy and like wanting to go somewhere. My dad was like, you can't go there. And I just was like, okay, don't make me do it. And I just fucking kicked him in the nuts and he falls down. And my mom had to give me like a whole speech about how you can't just go around kicking guys in the nuts. And I like Could not comprehend it. I'm like, then why does he have nuts?

I feel like you still can't comprehend it.

If I can't kick them, why does he have a nut? Why are they swinging right in front of my face?

Yeah.

Because I, I will karate chop.

Why are they so like tender and they're not inside their bodies?

The whole ball thing is unnecessary.

I feel like God has not made us mothers yet because—

Let's bring God into this.

No, let's bring him into it because sometimes he's the only answer. I feel like we are not mothers yet because the moment— not even the moment I give birth, the moment I get pregnant, I'm scared for every man around me. Because what— you can't bring life into this world? What is your purpose? Like, you're gonna tell me anything when I just made breast milk? I just made milk from my body. I'm not even a cow. I'm not a goat. Like, and I can sustain life. You know what's crazy to think about? Are any— is anyone living off of breast milk? Like, no, that's disgusting as an adult. That's what I was gonna say.

I was gonna say the— our best episodes are really early morning or at night, and you guys, we're getting a night party tonight. It's a night party. Paige had a full day of shooting.

How long do you think the, the longest woman has gone breastfeeding?

I think that's a TLC show and it's like 10 years or something crazy.

That's crazy.

Oh my God, you guys, I have so much homework for you, but I'm excited. Okay, you have to watch The Swan on Hulu.

Watched it.

You have to watch The Widower that just came out on, um, Netflix today, and you have to watch A Killer Story, also on Hulu. Those are 3 documentaries, must-watch.

I think I have a period piece that just came out on Netflix, so I'm gonna be busy.

Oh, you're gonna be out for like 3 weeks. Um, Notes on the Swan.

Now, I watched it with Josephine, who does not remember the show. So if you don't remember when it was on, it's certainly not gonna hit The way it will for millennials. I distinctly remember watching this show with my grandma and being fucking hyped.

It was crazy. That was popcorn TV.

In the context of what it— the show was supposed to be, I don't think it was like a bad idea. Like, I understand the idea. I totally get why women heard this It's also crazy, like, how time— just things change. Like, everyone heard about it on the radio.

No, I know.

You know, like, I just— I was like, I heard that and I was like, oh my God, that made me feel so, like, nostalgic.

But, but you're right, it was pitched to them as a life transformation from— Yes, therapy.

Yeah, like inner work. And then it's going to show, and we're going to do some procedures that just, like, up your confidence a little, when in reality it was They were like, and now there's a bathing suit competition part.

No, they literally lied to them and was like, you're doing a pageant. They didn't know they were doing that. Then they have to compete against each other. They didn't know they were doing that.

They couldn't talk to their families for 6 months.

They couldn't talk to their families. And it's all just big network money. The network was like, that's not interested to hear these people like talk about their problems or like learn style or whatever. They're like let's see who can be hotter, and let's fucking change their faces and bodies as much as we can.

And half the girls saw themselves for the first time and were like, what the fuck is this? Because they wouldn't let them look in the mirror.

You know why it made me sick? Because I'm that girl that would have been in the chair and been like, okay, and like not spoken up.

Well, that's a lot of them said. They made everyone get veneers, which Old school veneers too. Look, as someone who like always goes back and forth at like, should I get a boob job? Do I want a boob job? Like blah blah blah. One thing I've never— and these people's veneers looked insane.

Not fitting in their mouths, falling out years later.

Also, when you have dental problems, nothing more painful. Like to have to go to the dentist time after time because they gave you these fuck-ass veneers. I would have literally— I would have been livid.

And because of the fact filming schedule, they basically were like, you have 10 hours with each girl to do as much as you can. And the girls just went under. One girl almost didn't make it out. But there was this one girl who happened to be older that said, don't touch my nose.

Yeah.

And they were like, you're not gonna make it far in the competition. She goes, I don't give a fuck, you're not touching my nose.

And she looked beautiful.

Beautiful. But that's just like, if I did reality TV now, I'd be like, I'm not getting involved in that.

No, it's really— it just like preys on your insecurity. It's like a manipulative boyfriend because it's like everything you thought in your head, you're like, oh, everyone does notice it. And it's like, no, they just pinpointed what you were insecure about and exploited it. It's like, if I had a nickel.

Well, yeah, the producers do not care about your life after. They literally just care— also, when they would get the reactions, they'd stop and be like, do it again, that wasn't enough. Dude, again, that wasn't enough.

When I heard that, I was like, wait, that's crazy. Because they were like, that, that ending scene they would film for hours.

But a lot of the girls were like, the plastic surgery wasn't even the worst part, even though their boobs popped and their teeth fell out and like their lips were fucking contorted because that one guy had some special procedure he was doing, like whatever. But they were like, it was the mental assault of the reality TV being locked in.

Well, I mean, dare I say, we, we went through something very similar this year where we both were like, what if we just got a little Botox? Everyone's doing it. It's gonna help this. We're gonna look like this. We're gonna feel like this. And then the minute we did it, we were like, no, I loved my old face. Like, I loved my old face. Even now, sometimes when I'm eating something that's really chewy, I feel like my chin muscle like cramps up.

I feel like I subconsciously put that in here. I witched you.

I can't wait for you to get your massage.

Like, am I gonna cry during it?

Joe asked the same thing.

No, because there's all these TikToks of people being like, hey, can you just touch this part?

What the hell? I was like, no, you're not gonna cry during it.

Also, I've atrophied. I have nothing left here.

What does that mean?

Like, because I haven't been able to like use that muscle.

Yeah.

It's like disappeared, but it's still— I didn't get to the root of whatever the issue was.

Well, I'm gonna sit like next to you while you're getting your massage and just continuously ask you like, are you liking it? Like, what's going on? And then I'm gonna feed you chicken parm.

Wait, no, you're gonna hold my hand like we're in an ultrasound together. You're gonna hold my hand.

And the best news is that Kitty will probably sleep with you.

I'm so excited for our playdate. Should we go to Blockbuster and like get a movie?

No, literally the other day I was cosplaying like being a mom because me and Josephine had to get up at like 5 AM and go somewhere, and then we had like time in between and then like had a thing at night. So we got back to my, my house and she was like, I'm really tired, and I was like, Why don't you go take a little nap? Kitty went— and I'll wake you up when we have like our next thing. And she was like, okay. And Kitty went right with her. She wakes up and she goes, I'm a little hungry. And I go, I go, why don't I make you a grilled cheese, doll? And she goes, I would love that. And I said, okay, pick out your chips. And that was Kitty's face. Pick out your pickles. Because we have different types of pickles, and I made her a sandwich, and I loved every second of it.

Because your house is a home. See, that's so funny, because if someone said that to me, I'd be like, do you know how to order Uber Eats?

I said, what can I whip up for you?

You are a caretaker.

Yeah.

Except when you're on tour. For some reason it switches.

Because nobody wants to work these days, myself included. Wait, I was just gonna say something. Shoot. Oh, that's what I was gonna say. My mom was like, oh my God, your birthday's coming up, what do you want? I asked for a Le Creuset.

I'm gonna be so real with you right now, I don't know what that is.

A Le Creuset? It's like one of those big—

Wait, is that like a cardigan? Is that like— oh, it's like a serving platter?

No, it's like— no, it's like a dish. It's like a— like a— like you cook in it. Like you cook—

It's like a cook station.

You can put your Le Creuset in the oven. Like, I could do my pot roast in my Le Creuset. It's just like chic to have a Le Creuset.

It's like something that you like— oh, it's like a lasagna tub.

Totally, but it has like a top.

What's the decor?

Um, I asked for the color ivory.

Do you know if I asked my mom for a Le Creuset, she'd call the police?

Because I was like, why don't you start my collection, mother? And she goes I would love that. Yes, I could do that. Okay, I'll get you one. Which one? You want the big one?

I said yes. Oh my God.

No, I'm really— it's really getting dark over here. I'm doing such trad wifey things and I'm like enjoying it.

No, but it's also like, think of in your 20s, you would at night be like, where are we going? And now you're like, what do I want to create? You're an artist.

You know, I think back all the time because when I was in middle school and high school, I was like, I love school dances. How am I going How am I gonna live without school dances?

I hated school dances.

No, I'd get really upset because I'd be like, this is our last 8th grade dance. Like, it's just downhill from here.

Did you dance at the dances?

Yes.

You never felt awkward at one of the dances?

No, 'cause I was letting my freak flag fly.

'Cause you like had a guy that you would go with.

I was dancing so much, I was getting in trouble. I was getting put in the corner.

Yeah, you were.

They were like, one more time, Miss DeSorbo, and we're gonna have to call your mom.

And they're like, you don't even go here. How did you get in this school?

She picked out this outfit, so call that bitch up.

I just, I was like, okay, we're in a gym and like the guys are like looking at us and we'd be like, okay. And then I'm like, I'm not dancing as well as that girl. And then I'm like, I don't know what to do with my hands. And I'm like, Mom, can you come pick me up?

No, but it's, it's just very true because you don't ever think you'll get over something or you like move past it. You don't ever think you're not gonna wanna do something. And then one day the things that used to bring you joy Just don't. And it's not sad because you're entering into like a new chapter that you don't even realize. And truly, in like the last couple of years, I really like— I went out so much in my 20s, it's actually disgusting. But I genuinely am so happy that I don't long for it. Like, there was a time where I was like, no, I long to go out.

That is actually so wise of you. And I had that same realization. Sorry, I feel smarter with Invisalign. I'm like, I had that same realization too.

Yeah, we have this.

I kind of want to be a Joey Lewis.

You have a pocket protector. You have a protractor that you— we don't know what you're using for.

Did you just say protractor? Oh my God.

Remember when you would have to get like notebooks but it could only be graph paper and I'd be like, whenever I saw that—

You love nostalgia. No, I can't say nostalgia right now. Um, oh, I was gonna say when you're in your 20s you're like, oh my God, like I'm not gonna be able to do this, and you don't realize that you do change as a person to the point that you will not want to do it and That's one thing people don't tell you is that you will change. Like, it's not like you're, you're 35 and you're like, I want to go out, but I just keep getting hungover. It's like, no, something inside you starts being like, oh, 8 PM bedtime. Yeah, just cuddle around.

No, you don't realize how strong you are as a woman until you're put in certain situations and until those moments, which happens to everyone, You, you won't know until— like, you could be in a really bad situation and sometimes there's good that comes of it because you're like, wait, that's how I reacted? Hell yeah! Like, I'm strong as fuck. And it's like you end up getting closer to yourself.

Thank you, Mel Robbins. Yeah, whoa, my queen.

What's going on today?

Quick update about cats. I was having a nice little breakfast with Desmond and he goes, yeah, you talk about me on the pod? And I was like, what pod? I was like, I literally never talk about you on the pod. I don't talk about— he goes, I'm getting blown up with DMs saying let Hannah adopt the cat.

And sometimes we use our power for evil, and I agree with it.

And I said, you know what's crazy? I, I swear to God, I did not tell the Gigglers. This is Gigglers They see you as a barrier to my joy.

We don't control people.

I may have accidentally said that like you didn't think it was a good idea for me to get a cat and they took that as a threat.

Yeah.

And their hearts are in totally the right place. But then I obviously saw Genevieve, who now we're calling Pecan, Peanut. We have a lot of options. And she was in a state. the little cell because she still has ringworm.

Well, yeah, keep her away from the other cats.

But I went to volunteer at this place, and I, I walk in and there was like a girl standing there, and she just looked, she goes, hi, Hannah Berner. Like, I forget that people might know who I am, and she must have been so freaked out. And then I was like, you want to clean some poop with me? So me and this giggler just like cleaned poop for like Wait, have you ever seen an animal that legit has worms? So ringworm actually isn't worm, it's a fungus.

Right, but have you ever seen animals that legit have worms?

No, I don't want to see it.

It's disgusting.

I don't want to see it. That's why I'm not a vet. I would have become a vet if I could handle any kind of pain.

Like one time we had a dog and he had worms like right when we got him, and I was little, and I remember like watching the— like it went to the bathroom and the worm was like alive in its poop. I remember turning to my dad and being like I don't fuck with animals.

It took you literally 17 years to recover from that.

No, I remem— I was like maybe 5, and I remember looking up at my dad and being like, get it away from me. I don't give a fuck about this dog. Get it away from me.

You go, I like my sparkly cute things in my room that don't poop, and I treat them as my children. Um, so Genevieve's doing well. Um, okay, you can— you guys can stop DMing Dez. He's He doesn't support me and he's not letting me adopt it, but, um, he gets, he gets the memo.

Wait, we didn't even talk about me going on Chloe's pod.

Wait, tell us everything. Like, I want all the details, all the like nuance.

No, she's such a good person. Like—

Now this is like the second or third time, so you guys were like, hey, what's up? It wasn't like, uh, hi.

Yeah, it was like I literally walked in, I was like, thanks for having me, this is gonna be so fun. Like, here's what— here's how I will sum up my entire, like, morning with Khloe. When the pod was over and we were about to leave, she pulls out of her purse this big, truly, this little, like, um, like figurine of Jesus. Oh my God. And she goes, I want you to have this. And I go, what is this? She goes, oh, I just have like all these like mini little figurines of Jesus. And like sometimes like I'll leave them in a bathroom if I'm somewhere, or if like I'm with someone and I feel like, hey, like you need this. Like it might just like help someone.

Wait, it's like Elf on a Shelf but Jesus?

Yeah, but it was like literally the size of like my nail. And I was like, that's— I'm sorry, that's the nicest thing.

Kim DeSorbo's crying somewhere.

No, my mom was like Oh, that's nice.

She's—

I bet she has the kind of people we need in your life.

Okay.

She goes, that's nice she's close to God. It's very important. No, but I was like, that's so sweet. Like, who does that?

After talking to you for an hour, you need help.

You're gonna need this, and it's stronger than a therapist. I think you need Jesus.

Wait, it would be so funny if she gave you Saint Anthony.

That's my dog. That's my guy.

Did you tell her we have a faith-based podcast?

I didn't. I didn't say that.

Who do you think she would like more? Like, if we both were on— like, I'm not saying like, like we both were our most charming.

That's my friend. How dare— did I ask you this when you were chumming it up with Hailey?

You thought about it.

But I didn't say it.

Well, it's because of the Kardashians.

No, of the Kardashians, I think that you and her would get along the most? Because I— and I said this to her— she's the funniest by far, hands down the funniest.

Or do you think—

Unless we're getting Rob involved, I actually think Rob is the funny— and I hate to say that, that I think a man is— but I think Rob is the funniest of, of all of them.

Chloe is out there every fucking season doing the work. There's an argument that I would get along with Kim the best because Kim is like you, so like we would mesh. Where like Khloe likes you better because you guys are different.

You know, like you walk into a room, you can feel someone's aura. Like, you know—

No, she's the sweetest.

You know when someone's gonna be rude to you, or like, you know when someone's like, hi. She has— and she's been famous for so long— she has zero of that. She genuinely is Very down to earth, other than like they live in massive houses and she has a custom— she has a custom bed, Hannah, that's 2 king-size beds. I said, where do you get your sheets? And she goes, babe, they're custom. Because I was like, wait, you can't just stop at Target and get double king-size sheets. I'm like, where are you getting them?

Also, Khloé publicly has been through so much, and I can't even imagine privately, and she has stayed as like such a light.

Khloé After Dark was ahead of its time. She had a radio show.

Did you talk to her about Khloé After Dark?

I didn't. I didn't.

That like was fucking— oh my God.

She was ahead of her time.

Did she say that Kylie has 6 cats?

Hannah, they're a family of cats.

Why are they like kind of hiding this from the community? Is it because it's not like brand safe?

They basically like—

To be catgirls?

All switched over to cats.

No, I feel like every cool girl is. Did you call her Chloe or Chloe?

Chloe. I respected— I wrote her a note though, like, because I brought her a gift.

Yeah, you love a note.

I brought her a gift when I went to do her, her pod, and I wrote her like a little note, and I made sure I put the asterisk over her E in her name. Because I think that's extremely important. She gave me an entire gift box of all stuff for Kitty.

Wait, you guys have the same love language. You just want to give each other gifts and Jesus.

And she bedazzled— I mean, she didn't do it, but the churros that like Kitty loves, she— they were bedazzled.

Shut up.

Yeah, I showed Kitty when we got home.

You have to get her like a vintage or like something like a really beautiful rosary next time you see her.

That's so smart.

I do have to say, the texts you wake up with sometimes can make or break your day.

No, truly.

You ever wake up and read a text, you go, let's not do today?

No, let's— I'm trying to think the last time, like, I got my day was ruined before I'd even gotten out of bed.

You didn't say anything when 2 days ago I sent you, like, my first or second ever invisible ink text.

What did it say?

I don't remember, but—

I'm gonna be honest, Hannah, I get a lot of invisible texts.

Because you're a vault.

I'm rolling in invisible texts.

You're a vault. See, I'm not a vault, so people aren't really doing that.

Oh, I'm reading it. Yep, can't say that out loud.

But also, this is my question, if you were subpoenaed, they're not going to be like, well, it was invisible, so we can't use it against— with the jury.

And even you can un-invisible it and still screenshot it.

Imagine it's like a murder case and he's like, I'm gonna tell you right now if I did it or not. Invisible text, gotcha!

Wait, we haven't gotcha'd in a while.

Gotcha!

No, invisible text is solely for— we don't— I don't know who you're around in this exact moment. God forbid someone looked over at your phone and saw Paige DeSorbo saying the most nefarious, disgusting thing ever about someone. You never know, which does happen.

Yeah, maybe when it's like about a person.

I've invisibled full pictures.

I didn't know you could do that.

I'm like, wait, get a load of this one, get a load of this.

I do have to say I made a good purchase recently because you know me, I don't make a lot. Yeah, recently, you know, I got a new phone screen.

Like invisibility cloak?

I No, just a normal one, but I should get the invisible one. But this one, I didn't realize how long I was using it like while it was cracked. But like a fresh screen, I'm scrolling like I feel like a gazelle in an open field.

It's euphoric.

I didn't realize how messed up my last one was.

It's kind of like when you hurt like your thumb and you're like, whatever, I'll be fine, it's my thumb. And then you're like Holy shit, I use my thumb more than any body part. I'm like, how am I getting through the day without my goddamn thumb?

Also, you know why Gen Zs— that I love you guys— I don't know if they're as tough as us, because back in my day, if you dropped your phone, you're done. Like, remember when you dropped your phone?

It was just— you're dead.

You're— I've been shot. Like, everyone was like, no. Yeah, obviously you're a kid, you drop your phone, like every fucking second. So like you drop your phone, it cracks, and then you had to like tell your parents, then it was like a whole ordeal. That was traumatizing.

That was tra—

I broke my phone so many times.

Yeah, I just like got out. I got a lot of stuff out. I feel like this is so therapeutic for me.

No, it's so necessary, especially after a long day when like everyone annoys you. And then just to be like—

And you know what's crazy is because I was in the car for an hour before this and I already vented to my mom, so I'm going on 2 hours of just like And another thing I thought of.

Some days I get nothing done because I'll vent to you.

Yeah.

Vent to Des.

Yeah.

Vent to my mom.

Yeah.

And then by the time I've done all that, a whole new crop of issues have started. I have to go talk to you again, talk to my mom, talk to Des.

I've wasted full days texting.

And my mom's like, what'd you do today? And I'm like, you know what I did. I've been making the rounds.

Sorry, you know the horse that's in my home that I was beating? Like, come on. No, and also like recently me and Hannah are like, I feel like we've found such peace, the two of us, because recently I've noticed myself calling you and telling you gossip that like we've already talked about. I'm like, let's like, there's nothing new, but I'm like, let's just like revisit it. Like we don't even have new gossip to get into. Sometimes.

I mean, I'm so proud of us.

Yeah, I know.

But I mean, knock on wood. It's like a little boring sometimes. No, it's super boring.

I'm like, I don't know.

I'm some creepy married person that's like, tell me about your dating life because I'm over here married.

It's not even like dating life drama. I'm like—

No, like when Grace tells us she went on a date, the way we freak the fuck out. We're like, tell us everything.

Yeah, I'm like, I want like, I want group chat drama. I want like I need something.

We don't have any friend group drama.

What? Who? What friend group? Uh, you know what's crazy? We started out with a large friend group.

Wait, I cried one night and everyone's like, why are you crying? Are you crying over a boy? And I'm like, no, because I'm losing all my friends.

What?

And they're like, welcome to your 30s. It's just the people who drop off because like, yeah, I, I recently saw a TikTok of all these photos of like people hanging out, having the best time in their 20s, and it's just me with the fakest friends I've ever had.

Sometimes I do feel bad. I'm like, oh wait, I don't have like that many friends or like to go out with. Like everyone's like doing their own thing. Like I don't have a co— I guess I— what I'm saying is I don't have a cohesive friend group where they all know each other. Do you know? Like all my girlfriends don't really— like they know each other, but they're not like— it's not one big group text.

I do have to say the comedy community is quite nice because they all know each other and they do have good gossip.

Yeah, no, the comedy community does have really good gossip. No, but sometimes I'll listen to like some of my other friends who have these like big friend groups, and either like half of them are married so they hang out with their husbands, or like some of them are single so they'll go out, whatever. Truly couldn't pay me. Like, then I'll hear those stories and I'm like No, no, no. I, I want no part of that. It's some of the most insane— because here's the thing, even though you get married, that doesn't mean you are matured. That doesn't mean you figured out anything in yourself internally. So now you're just bringing along another person to witness your debauchery. So some of like friend group drama where it's like everyone's married, I'm like, mm, miss me with it. Like, I, I'd rather have no one and be with my cat and have peace. than being whatever the fuck that is.

You've had like 40 epiphanies on this pod about your existence, and it was super, super, super powerful.

And it's a perfect time to red light mask and settle in for the night.

Wait, I'm gonna see you tomorrow night.

Yeah, I'm so excited. I'm—

I'm so excited.

I'm literally gonna get to my shoot tomorrow and be like, no, I have a hard out.

My friend's coming over.

My friend's sleeping over. I can't tell you the last time I had a friend friend's sleepover.

No, I'm so excited, and we're going to be like, good night.

Well, then I was thinking, I was like, wait, should like I lay in the bed with her? Like, I'm going to like, like, and like, like talk?

At least we'll like watch something together, and then we'll see like where we want to sleep.

Okay.

We'll just— we'll discuss. Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.