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Sup, Gigglers! Gary, fix your Wi-Fi.
Manifest that shit.
We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me.
Hello, my Gondola Gigglers!
Hello.
Someone DM'd me that. That wasn't from—
Your own brain.
That wasn't from my own creative brain.
Sorry we're a little late today.
What's our excuse?
Well, I was just trying to think of it.
Well, it's time change and because I went out to eat last night, like on a double date.
Hannah went out to dinner and then you played padel this morning.
And then this morning I had padel. 'Cause I'm a retired old man, so that was really important. I'm so sweaty. Okay, my paddle— we planned this 2 weeks in advance. It was 10:00 AM on Friday.
Wait, your mouth looks good today.
I—
what?
Wow, it's better, but it's—
It's getting so much better.
I'm— I know it's not good because I'm still getting like— people be laughing with me and then they give me that like a little longer extended look like, okay, that was a little weird.
Well, you can't laugh.
You can just But all I want to do is laugh, you know, it's my passion on this planet. Um, I am obsessed with my TikTok algorithm because I opened it up this morning and the first thing was this girl being like, woke up feeling like Paige Sorbo, and then in parentheses it said, I have a UTI. And it was Natalie, I think her name was Natalie Benson. I want to give credit where credit's due. Was it Wait. Yes. Iconic.
Yeah, I know Natalie Benson. I was like, oh, I was like, wait, that's my friend, but it's not my friend, but I know her on TikTok.
I love that I don't have a— I don't know the weed girl. That never came up for me.
Well, she's pregnant right now.
Speaking of weed, doesn't I just called an Uber? Normally I call the Uber, but when he calls the Uber, it's like chaos. And I don't know why. I'm like, where is it?
Interesting.
Yeah, like, I know where it is.
He's—
it's chaos.
That's funny because I would— I never let you call the Uber.
Well, yeah, because I've— I lost trust from you because I was getting us Camrys.
No, Hannah, I wish you were getting us Camrys. You were getting us clown cars, literal 2-seaters. I was like, hello, I have a long leg.
I'm good. I know I have my nubby legs, they fit in anything. I'm good with Ubers because I never drive, so like it's my only thing I know. It's a passion. And I was rushing and I was like, is that our car? And I just was like, yes. So both me and him open up this car. This man is sitting there smoking weed in his car. He jumps up like we're the police and he's like, whoa, whoa! And we're like, sorry, wrong car, shut the door.
Oh, I thought it was gonna be the driver.
No, I fully was about to do a citizen's arrest and I said, just don't smoke cigarettes, cigarettes are bad for you.
Weed is legal.
Imagine you're just smoking weed in your car on a morning.
That sounds amazing.
Starting your day off, 10 AM on a Friday, starting the weekend early, and 2 random fuckers jolt in your car and go, is this, is this for Hannah?
Oh my God, the paranoia.
Oh my God, he's probably still shaking. I scared myself.
Um, okay, so you had an eventful morning. You're like—
Oh, I'm done for the day though. When I have an eventful morning, like after this, I'm showering, I'm putting on my henna tea, I'm taking a meeting or 2, and then I'm— Butter and I are passing out.
I never do this. First of all, I talked yesterday for like 6 hours straight about myself to all different people, so like I'm— oh my God, I can't hear myself talk anymore. Like I can't hear another single thing be about me, and I never do this, but I was in LA and I've never been to Newport, and so I was like, I'm gonna take the weekend and like go on a little trip.
Wait, you're so cute.
So sweet.
You never take a weekend.
I never take a weekend. Usually I'm like, no, I need to get back because I have more work stuff to do.
And you have a 17-step wellness routine.
I have a Daphne photoshoot on Monday that's like so important to my soul, and I'm nervous because New York is getting a nor'easter with rain. I thought that was only snow.
They're saying it could be like Hurricane Sandy-esque.
Okay, well, my red-eye on Saturday night—
No, that makes me worried for you not to be a mom.
And I was gonna make buffalo chicken dip this weekend in my crock pot.
You guys, Paige is a full crock pot chef. I'm getting like photos throughout the day. No, I mean, you did savory, sweet, you did protein, you did Gluten-free.
Guys, on last Sunday, I— did I talk about this? Did I not talk about my, my pot roast?
I don't know. I don't think you did.
Oh my God, it's been my whole personality. I've been sending my recipe out to everyone. I was like, I made it up. I made a pot roast in my new crock pot. I made a banana bread. And then—
In the crock pot?
No.
Oh.
And then I got— Red Lobster sells frozen cheddar biscuits. I got those and I made those.
One thing about me, um, in my soul—
Oh, and I made mashed potatoes.
I knew those were Red Lobster white cheddar biscuits. Like, very Hannah-coded of you. They were so—
if you don't like a Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuit, get the fuck out of my face.
Why is it Cheddar Bay?
Who cares? I love it. It just sounds so good.
Cheddar Bay Cheddar Bay Biscuit. Also, um, but like when they bring it to the table, I'm like, well, this is my dinner. I'm not eating the fake lobster.
And you know what? I think it's 8 in a package. And I was like, oh, do I really— am I gonna make all 8? And then I thought, um, just make them. I ate them all.
Also, who sat down and was like, you know what lobster needs to be? Fast food, mass-produced. Let's do that. And then someone's like, it's gonna taste like shit. And they go, but let's just do like Cheddar Bay Biscuits in the beginning and everyone will forget.
I'm 10 toes down for Red Lobster.
I only went once.
In your whole life?
Yeah.
Okay, when I was like really young, like 3, 4, 5 years old, I feel like my mom was like doing things and so I would be with my grandma and I assumed she was like going to lunch with her friends now that I think about it and like taking me and they would go to Red Lobster. So I was like a 75-year-old woman at 5. And so like for my birthday I'd be like, I want to go to Red Lobster.
I feel like Red Lobster, it's a little redundant. It's like, what other color would the lobster be? Like, it would be funnier if it was like Blue Lobster and it was like a cute blue lobster.
So true.
Sorry, I don't— what's on the menu? Like, do they have like other fish?
This is so New York City of you.
No, I know I'm being so pretentious.
No, because it's true though, but because New York doesn't have these like big—
No, like when everyone talks about Cheesecake Factory, I'm like, we didn't have a Cheesecake Factory in Brooklyn. You guys, when like Starbucks opened in Park Slope for the first time, there was a riot because everyone was like, keep small businesses alive, fuck you Starbucks. And there was literally like people were, um, protesting outside the store. Like that was where I grew up. So no, we didn't have a Red Lobster.
Have you been to Cheesecake Factory though in like I've never been to Cheesecake Factory in my life.
I just know they have like a huge menu or something.
The premiere episode of Hannah and Paige Try New Things. This would be my dream. I make Hannah get so high.
I'm not making it to Red Lobster if I get high. Imagine me high at a Red Lobster. I would— oh my God, I'd freak the fuck out. I'd be like, is this real lobster? What is this? What is this?
That is a question you have to ask in 2026.
What is it?
Yeah, is this real?
There's no way it's all lobster.
I think they have like popcorn shrimp and they have like other different fish. I think you can get like chicken fingers and fries. Like, it's just— it's really more a vibe.
It's funny, people talk shit about McDonald's, but no one talks shit about the quality of Red Lobster. Do you think it's because they just like— they don't promote as hard? That they're like— they don't say we're real lobster, they're just like, it's red.
No, Red Lobster had like a big thing and then they went through bankruptcy. No, Red Lobster's been through it, okay?
Put some respect on Red Lobster's name. They've survived a lot.
They've gone out of business, they've come back.
Like, I do have to say one thing about me, I love a crab cake.
And they have a crab cake.
Because you don't even need to put crab in it, just put me some breadcrumbs.
Actually, on the flight here, um, I could smell Crab cake.
Someone brought crab cake on the plane?
No, I think they were serving a crab cake because I could smell it.
Do you remember when you're little and someone for the first time, like, you get sushi and someone's like, you know, that's fake crab, and you're like, what's a fake crab? Who was like—
I think that's a universal experience.
Why would you call it crab if it's fake? Then just call it something else. What is that? If it's not crab, what is it?
I still don't know. Is it crab or not? I get spicy tuna. What do you get?
Oh yeah, oh my God, we never talk about this. Yeah, I thought I was like not like other girls because I went through a spicy scallop phase. I literally— everyone was like, California roll, California roll, and I was like, oh, that's crazy because I'm doing spicy scallop. You don't even— you don't even know where I'm coming from.
Well, a California roll, that's where the fake crab is. Yeah, I think it means No, I'm not even gonna say what it is.
Like they made it in a lab? It's like a lab diamond for crabs?
I just always thought the crab was cooked and then they put it in the sushi and that's why they were like, it's not real sushi because it's not raw.
I think it's crab, like a chemist made it and they were like, this smells like crab, it tastes like crab, let's call it crab.
Let's move on to something we're, we're more, uh, educated on.
What are we educated on?
Lili Reinhart's press tour outfits.
Yes, we are actually—
I need to talk about it.
That is where a stylist can take someone to the next level. I'm locked in on Lili Reinhart right now.
I'm locked in on her. She's promoting a movie, I think, like a rom-com. I haven't watched it, but the only thing though that is making me watch it, other than the fact that I enjoy Lili Reinhart as an actress, is seeing her press tour outfits. She has taken every major rom-com and the star of that rom-com, and she's worn an iconic outfit from said movie. So like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days did the yellow dress. Miss Congeniality did like the makeover scene, the purple Hervé Léger. My Date with the President's Daughter, Miu Miu made her a custom like velvet pink dress. It's just— it's amazing. Whoever thought of that idea should get a raise.
And she looks happy. She looks like she's having fun. And press tours are hard. You know, you did it for one day yesterday.
What was yesterday?
Talking about yourself, you said?
No, I was in like real meetings with real humans in like business meetings.
Oh, I thought you were doing interviews.
No, I wasn't just like glam and taking pictures all day. I actually had no glam.
I did.
I actually went to meetings no makeup.
Oh, you were serious?
I was being serious. Not that wearing makeup isn't serious. I was actually more just really tired.
No, but it means like you're literally just there for the substance of the meeting.
Yeah, I'm like, you know what I look like? Like, I can't. I was also so tired.
My mom always tells me to put a lip on.
Yeah.
Which is so mom-coded.
No, I mean, I had a lip on and I had mascara on and I had—
Your definition of no makeup and my, like—
I covered my blemishes. I did a little— There was concealer.
There was skincare, skin prep.
There was skin prep. What am I saying?
I went full glam. You go, there was Dyson hair wrap. Your no makeup was that you didn't have someone else do your glam. You did full glam. No, I've walked into meetings no glam. That's very different.
Sorry, I'm so sorry. That is just how my brain works.
Wait, someone said the meanest thing you could say to someone if you want to just be a bitch is in the middle of while they're talking, just go, were you crying earlier?
Hannah, I'd actually start crying. I would literally start crying.
That would make— if someone said that to me though, that would make me laugh so hard. I'd be like, no, but emotionally I was. I'm glad that it's showing. My insides are showing on my outsides and I'm crying that I'm stuck in this conversation with you.
You know how Gen Z people like say, say something and then they'll put like parentheses like derogatory or like complimentary.
I do like when they do that.
I do like when they do that. That's something where like if someone said that to me, I would just say like, yeah, parentheses internal. Like internally I was, but like exterior, no.
I love saying parentheses out loud in a sentence. How could you do this to me? Okay. Even though I played college tennis, when I go to the gym nowadays, I just wander around. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scrolling apps. I don't have a plan. There's definitely no progress. But then I found the Ladder app and it completely changed how I work out. It's an expert in strength training, not just a random content library. It's a real progressive program designed by certified coaches. You get a new plan every week that builds on the last. It's important that your workouts are connected, and it feels like having a coach right there with you. I personally need the reminders and motivation and cues. And it works on any strength training style you prefer, like Pilates, bodybuilding, dumbbell, hybrid strength, glute-focused programs, and your progress is tracked automatically. It remembers your weights, reps, and sets. It's amazing, and it costs less than a dollar a day. That's elite-level personal training for a fraction of what you'd pay in person. I love it because it's affordable and designed by certified coaches. Remove the guesswork with Ladder and get a real coach in your ear telling you exactly what to do every workout.
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Commerzbank.
Die Bank an Ihrer Seite. Jetzt mehr erfahren unter www.commerzbank.de/erfolgsgeschichten.
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Wait, so tell us everything about this event you did.
Okay, the Variety event that I went to was just— it was very surreal because the way they started it was just having Jennifer Hudson come out and sing a Dolly Parton song that she wrote for Whitney Houston, and you're just like, is this real life?
Oh my God.
When you witness someone's talent like that in person, Of course everyone knows Jennifer Hudson has like the most insane voice ever. Like, we've watched her forever. I also didn't know she was the youngest woman to be, to be an EGOT winner. But whatever, hearing it in person is just so—
Well, you're— because you're stuck on this podcast with me where I break into song, and so it's— it was probably jolting for you.
My frame of reference really— it took me out. I had an out-of-body experience.
I'm the man. That's Adele.
And, and then just the most iconic women got up and gave such great speeches. Sharon Stone got up and gave a speech and she said—
I love Sharon Stone.
And I'm paraphrasing a little, but she basically said that there's no such thing as fucking your way to the top. You can only fuck your way to the middle and then you have to claw your way to the top.
Okay, Sharon.
It was just like inspirational.
Also, I feel like women aren't doing that anymore. Like, women are like, I'd rather die than touch your dick.
Rather die. And then as a Gilmore Girl lover, I watched Lorelai Gilmore give an award to Suki St. James, and, and I actually texted my mom while it was happening, and I was like, Lorelai Gilmore just presented an award to Suki St. James, and I wish you were here.
Sounds like an event for the gals, gals.
It was all gals, gals, gals, and I loved it.
Well, everyone wants to know, you did a speech alone with a teleprompter. How were you feeling beforehand? 'Cause I was like nervous for you.
Hannah, first of all, so I had to send my speech into them like 2 weeks prior. Send my speech in.
Oh wow.
They're like, it's gonna be on a teleprompter. I'm like, okay, great. I get into the room. They're like, do you wanna run it on the teleprompter like prior? Like right when I got there, I was like, no, I can like, I've read it. I know what I'm saying. I can do the teleprompter. I go into the room that the event's in. I go, where's the teleprompter? And they go, oh, you see those 2 like glass things up on the stage? That's the teleprompter. I go, that's not a teleprompter. Like—
That's like what politicians use.
I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that thing is, but what are you talking about? It was a clear piece of glass on a black stand. I'm like, I literally don't understand what you're saying. Then some people got up and they were looking down at the podium. Like, some people brought their own cards. And I was like, oh my God, everyone knew the teleprompter was fucked and they brought their own thing.
Also, you're dealing with like Oscar winners and like they perform for a living.
I'm dealing with like A-list celebrities here and they like threw me in and I am very thankful, but I was like, I can't make— Queen Latifah was at the table next to me.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
I feel like I can't— so I'm getting up in front of Queen Latifah and her thinking I can't read Okay? I'm like, I popped my beta blocker an hour ago, it's wearing off!
The good news is anyone who was a giggler there knew you can't read good, but continue.
So Molly Sims, my sweet, sweet, sweet angel, she gets up and she, um, presents me with my award. And as I'm going to the podium, my dress rips.
No, your vintage Prada?
It wasn't vintage, it was 2025, but—
Don't stomp your 2025 Prada. Little black hole.
Proud-ass shoes. As I'm going up the stairs, my dress rips all the way in the back. I'm like, can anyone see this? Okay.
How'd you rip it? When you like sat down?
No, I was like going upstairs. I think my big fat ass like—
Okay, Jennifer Lawrence.
I didn't pull it up as I was like going up the stairs.
It wasn't even tight fitting.
What do you—
how did you do that?
I don't know. I don't know.
Someone's been squatting. Someone's been getting her steps.
So, so in the 3 seconds that I have to hug Molly Sims and, and also think about this teleprompter, my dress rips. I get to the teleprompter. My first thing outta my mouth is, this is the most high-tech teleprompter I've ever seen.
You said that?
That's how it started.
Okay, good. No, it's good. Just say how you feel.
I had to say how I feel. And that's what I learned from having a panic attack amidst a Giggly Squad show. I just said, I'm having a panic attack. And I felt like it was going away a little.
Yeah.
So I just got up there and I said, This is an insane teleprompter. And now I will proceed.
Did you get a giggle?
I don't know.
Oh, you were blacked out. You were floating at that point, floating above yourself.
I don't know, because I don't know what happened when you get up there. The acoustics— I felt like I was— I felt like Celine Dion and I was performing.
Wow, wow, wow.
As I talked, It was a delay, so I couldn't hear what I was saying.
How big was this room?
Like, it was at the Beverly Hills Hotel, like not that big. I was like, what's happening up here?
You've played places with 3,000, 6,000 people.
I know. So I'm hearing— you're hearing what you've already said.
Oh no, that's like when you're on the phone with someone and you're like, I have to leave because I can hear myself, bye.
So I was going so slow Once you get up there and you look at the screen, it does look like a normal teleprompter, but it was like—
You're like, it actually was quite a good teleprompter. I take back all the bad things I said about it.
Everyone should implement these teleprompters.
But what is the technology that like you could do a teleprompter that looks clear but the front end has words, but we still can't figure out endometriosis?
And now we've said it.
And now we've said it.
So anyway, so then I did— I give my speech, I walked back down, and Molly was like, I could— I didn't have time to tell you that the sound is weird and the teleprompter's weird.
And Molly's like a mom. She's like, I'm so— that was my bad.
She was like, that's my bad and I'm so sorry. Um, it was just such a fun— it was just such a lovely night and I felt so honored. And it was— I was there for the Purple Leash Project, which is if you're in a domestic abuse situation and you are choosing between leaving your pet and not going The Purple Leash Project makes it so that you can bring your pet with you because there's a lot of places that you go— that you can go but you can't bring your pet. And so it's like such a great charity, and I was so proud to be representing them. And my dress, I— it's my favorite dress I've ever worn, I've ever put on my body. I actually got it last year for something, and then I decided I didn't want to go, so I just like had the dress.
Oh, so you had it waiting for the right moment. It spoke to you.
And that's my new thing now. I used to be someone that's like, I would shop for specific events, and now I'm like, no, I deserve a little whimsy in my life. If I see something and I like it, I know I'll find somewhere to wear it.
I want it, I got it. I like it.
I just like—
I want it.
When you see something that's so you Yes. How do you walk away from it? I saw that dress and I was like, no, that is so me.
It is smart though. Like, instead of panicking whenever you have like a wedding or something coming up and be like, I have to buy something, like when you see something you like, know you will have— it's almost a manifestation. Like you see that gorgeous dress, honey, I will have something really important that I'm gonna need to look my best for, and I will wear that. I realize when I shop, I don't shop for like the person I am. I shop for a made-up person.
Yeah, you do.
And I'm like, like, it's not for my body type, it's not for any event I would go to, it doesn't match anything I own. Like, I'm insane. I return everything.
You want to know what's crazy is every other situation in your life, you never second-guess yourself. Honestly, I've been on Zooms before where I'm like, maybe she might take that back actually, if we give her a minute, she might actually take that back. In your fashion choices, all you do is second-guess yourself, and I don't know why, because you have the— some of the best personal style I've seen.
Stop it.
No, you do. Like, you will take a risk. You will— like, I see something on another girl and I'm like, I like that, I want to get it. You make it up in your head.
Oh, thank you.
I do.
You know what it is though? I think with like especially online shopping I'm bad with it because once it's on my body I can make a decision, but just from looking I don't know.
Well, yeah, some things have like no hanger appeal and some things look way better on the hanger. One thing we didn't talk about that I'm shocked— did you see that guy that pretended to be an NFL player and he was like scamming all the— those women?
Wait, I saw that and I was like, I can't right now. What is it about?
Okay, it's just— first of all, Great name. Sounds like such a quarterback of like whatever team. I think he was pretending to be on the 49ers. His name is De'Jon Love.
Great football name.
Phenomenal.
Put him in the Hall of Fame.
Truly phenomenal football name.
Put him on my fantasy team now.
All these like different stories are coming out that not only did he like scam all of these women, but he like scammed other people like out of money. I think it was like, it was up to like a million dollars that he scammed like all these people out of. What I'm not understanding is that Google is for free. For free, honey. I've Googled so many men before. I've gotten places on Google that I don't— I have no business even knowing about this person, like distant relative.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Football's on every Sunday. You can't escape it.
How did he get people to give him money?
I don't know.
I have been going to sleep at night to the podcast— is it Scamfluencers? I'm kind of obsessed with scammers. It like— and they have like calm voices, so like it puts me to sleep. I feel like there's different podcasts. Like some podcasts really help you fall asleep because it's like informative. Like ours, I don't think is one of those. Like you're going to sleep, you're like, why are they— what?
I think ours induces something. It's certainly not— it's certainly not calm and sleep, that's for sure.
But they're like 2 calm girls being like, so then she did, you know, she lied to everyone that she was a princess and everyone believed her, and that kind of stuff. I just think it's creative. I think it's creative and fun. Um, but I— when I was at Wisconsin, I had a guy friend who was like really big but he wasn't on the football team, but he would go to the front of the line to get into the KK because the KK lets all the athletes in. So he would— and someone was like, he's not on the football team! And he's like, I'm 6'6, I am on the football team. And like, they weren't gonna Google. And he just would walk with the guys. Like, there were all these cons with like trying to get what the athletes—
Wait, that's a man in STEM, I feel like.
And that is an entrepreneur.
That's an entrepreneur. Hold on, I'm gonna do something so Hannah-coded right now, but I wanted to blow my nose. I wanted to. That was so random because I actually don't think I've ever seen you blow your nose.
I thought you pulled a tissue.
Wait, you know what? I've never seen you, like, really sick.
Okay, don't put that in the ether.
No, I'm just saying, like, when's the last time you had the flu? Like, I don't think I've ever— I don't think you've ever texted me and been like, I'm really sick.
I do have emergency every day.
No, you have a crazy immune system. We don't talk about it.
I do get— I'm, like, exhausted and I deal with anxiety and depression. And ADHD and OCD undiagnosed.
But like, when's the last time you had a yeast infection?
Oh no, honey, my vag is pH balanced.
You never have an ailment other than like muscle related or like—
Also, by the way, I played padel this morning fully bleeding.
Yeah, other than like that stuff. I mean, I mean like internal.
I'm a 6-year-old. Like the second point, I'm— I fell and like bleeding everywhere and I'm like, let's go. Like I'm a baby.
No, what I'm doing that's really Hannah-coded is I'm timing my room service so that when the pod is completed, my room service will be arriving.
People were upset about the sushi last episode.
Upset about the what?
Because the sushi— because the sushi arrived and they were like, why would Hannah order sushi right before the pod? But what people don't know is sometimes Paige will be like, I'm coming home, I'll let you know when, and then we'll record. And she'll like out of nowhere be like, I'm ready in 3 minutes. And then I'm like, that's crazy because my food just got here, but it's okay because let's record now. Did I eat the sushi that sat here for 1 hour? Yes. Was the room air-conditioned? Yes. I lived it. I was okay.
Wait, they were mad about the timing of everything, or they were mad that you ate hour-old sushi?
But like, mad is a strong word. They just were concerned for me.
You didn't put it in the refrigerator?
No, but, um, I— that's why I think my immune system's so strong, because I challenge it every day.
There are certain things that if it's not cold, I can't eat it, and one of those things is fruit.
Oh.
I can't eat warm fruit.
See, I don't hate a little warm peach.
Other than a banana.
Okay, or a little warm, um, pear.
You know I don't like pears. Or a little—
have you ever tried cooking an apple? A hot apple?
Hannah, I've been living a double life because I've been at home cooking.
No, I know, and you try to hide it from me because you think that I'm gonna judge you.
I made apples with cinnamon, brown sugar, and a little bit of white cake mix, and I just like made— and then I put it over warm ice cream, or then I put over vanilla ice cream.
You've been working every day non-stop this whole month. When were you like, and you know, I have 40 minutes to prepare a soufflé?
And I know people are gonna be like, oh, it's because she's in a relationship and she's doing it for a man. This man will not eat any of this shit.
Oh yeah, he's healthy.
Everyone was like, oh my God, you made him a banana bread? I go, that man will not even look in the direction of my banana bread, and that's why I made it. That banana bread is for me. He did eat my pot roast and love that.
Yeah, he likes protein.
Yeah.
Today, these 2 guys who I was playing padel with were like talking, and I walked up to them jokingly and I was like, you guys talking about protein? And they were like, yeah. I swear to God, Hannah, that's amazing. He was like, I'm trying to get it more in my diet. And because, you know, the way they were standing and talking, I'm like, it's giving protein.
Wait, I feel like I lowkey know exactly like the— I can picture them.
Also, there's been multiple men. It's because I do crowd work so much, so it's like my trick where I meet them, I ask them where they're from, and when they say Connecticut or Westchester and they have like a douchey hairdo, I go, did you play lacrosse? And they go, how'd you know? And I've been right 100% of the time, so I think I'm okay for now.
Wait, so I put everything into my cart prior to us starting the pod.
Okay.
And now it's saying that I've timed out. And so like, this has really turned into a Hannah Berner experience because I don't trust the internet, I don't trust the Wi-Fi. I'm like, how could I have time to— no, I'll actually murder someone.
How intricate was your order?
Well, it was like, was it the Eggs Benedict? Was it the kids' pancakes?
Yeah, and is it the almond milk or is it the oat milk with like a side? Yeah. I embarrassed myself the other day because I was at someone's house and they were like, do you want coffee? And like, look, I'm annoying. I'm annoying with my coffee because I'm like, I'd rather not have you make me coffee than you make something that like I can't drink. And I was like, do you have an oat milk latte with like Splenda or vanilla? And they looked at me like I was crazy.
And they were like, this is a home. You know what, actually I just threw away in my refrigerator, um, iced or chai latte in case you ever came over, but it went bad.
Okay, well, that's good. That's good. Thank you. Yes, I would have just not— I definitely wouldn't have checked the expiration date.
My brother got it, and then I just thought, I'm gonna keep this because what if Hannah comes over like at all in the next month?
Do you know what I like to do? Make a latte and then put some of the chai in it with the latte, and it's really nice.
I don't like— I don't like anything about chai.
Yeah, or matcha, but it's okay.
I tried— when in LA, you do as the LA—
LAans do.
LAans do. I, I tried an iced matcha, and let me tell you, that shit was disgusting.
Did you put sugar in it?
It was a frozen matcha.
Did you put sugar in it?
I tried someone else's. I didn't order my own.
It's giving I don't like cats, and I'm like, well, did you have your own cat, or are you walking to someone's house?
No. You know what? It's not giving that.
You were like, I just got an award from Purina, bitch.
How dare you? No, I, I've tried it in so many different forms. I, I think I try matcha at least— I try and try it at least once a year.
I love matcha ice cream. I love matcha cookies. I love matcha lattes.
And like, what's mochi? I feel like I don't like that either, and everyone loves that. Like, I want to like these things. I think it's— they're good for you.
They're adorable, like a little mochi.
I, I've ordered mochi because I've—
because it's like— That's the name of— that's the name of a white girl's cat. Mochi. No, someone was making fun of white girls that they named their cat Japanese names, like sushi and That kind of stuff. Oh, speaking of cats, I thought it was so iconic that cats have colonies. Are you familiar with this?
No.
There's like things called cat colonies where it's basically like a group of cats that are out. They're like a gang.
Like a group of street cats?
Street cats, but they all like look out for each other. They hang out together, they get food together. They're a cat colony. And I just thought that was really empowering. Like, they're all girls, girls. They're like, we're in this together, babe.
It's giving girls going to the bathroom together.
Because like, if dogs had a colony, I'm like, people are going to get hurt. But like, if cats have a colony, you're like, they're cute. They're like, they're doing cute things together. Dogs, I'm like, they're going to attack a family.
I also like— I'm starting a rumor. I'm making this up right now. But I also feel like dogs are getting each other pregnant more than cats are.
I don't know, cats do multiply.
Do they?
Like a lot?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, there's—
so I might get into trapping. Are you familiar with trapping? And it's not—
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with different forms of trapping. Which one are you talking about?
Not Ali Wong trapping a man. Trapping where you like go out looking for stray cats And you trap them.
How?
However, however you—
Oh, there's not like a preferred method? It's just like—
Well, there— I think you could put food in like a trap.
Yeah.
And they go in and then you trap them. But like, there's people who their job is to trap cats, and then you take them in and you trap neuter return, TNR, which means like they're a feral cat but like you want to neuter them so they don't keep multiplying.
Oh, so my hypothesis is so wrong. Cats are fucking.
Cats are fu— and they— the way they fuck is like really dramatic. They like—
Wait, really?
They're like— well, it's actually so girl-coded, they hate it. Like, if cats have sex, this is what it sounds like. They're like—
Wait, I've never seen a cat—
No, cats having sex, you're like, get your paws off of her!
Wait, I've seen so many dogs hump. Kitties like never humped anything.
Dogs are doing doggy, cats are like—
No, that's actually terrifying. Now I like feel like I'm gonna Google when we get off this, like cats.
Well, that's why you have to neuter all your cats. You don't want them to have to have sex. You don't. And cats will like get pregnant at like, like 5 months old.
No.
They're literally Teen Moms MTV.
That is sad.
Well, the cute thing about cats is when they have babies, they come out all different colors.
I do like that.
So they're like someone's dad was Calico.
I do like that because I've seen cats like on the internet that are related to Daphne, but they don't like have the same face or like coloring at all.
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Was ist das?
Heckenschere.
Viel effizienter.
Die ist für Büsche!
Ganz genau.
Ingrid!
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Speaking of dick, I wanted to bring up, um, there's this song, this new—
That's so crazy because I was gonna bring up my jaw.
Touché.
Keep going.
What do you want to go first? Um, so Sharon Horgan is this incredible genius Irish actress, writer, comedian. She has this show called Youth on HBO that just came out. And it's basically about like being in your 60s and like what your sex life is when you're single in your 60s. And it's actually really iconic and important.
What is it like?
Well, she's like gorgeous, and it's basically like you're like, oh, girls are just girls. Like, you're just a girl.
Yeah.
So anyway, she talks about she was hooking up with this guy, and then her friends are like, you gotta date someone new, you gotta go to a blind date. And she looked at them and she's like, But that means I have to deal with a new dick.
Yeah.
And I'm like, no one talks about the mental load of having to deal with a new contraption.
Yeah.
And I know they're all the same, but they're not. It's like they all come at you and it's a different— it's a whole different jungle gym every time. And that's why when girls like hook up with a lot of guys in a short period of time, I don't judge. I think it's gorgeous. But that's a lot of new dick to deal with. And then some of them, some of them are circumcised. Some, some are curved. Some are, some are chodes. Some, some are good looking.
You're like, you're a good looking miss.
No, some are— I'm like, okay. And then some you're like, that's why cats are yelling. And then they all feel different. Like, it's literally like driving a new car every day. I'd be like, I'm good. I don't know where the park is. I don't know.
It's turning the shower on in someone else's home. You're like, is that the lever for you or no?
Because at home this usually works. Why am I burning my back right now? I thought I turned it right, but I guess you turn it left with this situation. Yeah. It's literally like if you drive your car and then one day it's a stick shift and you're like, I just want to go on a new date and now I'm having to deal with a stick shift. I've never learned this before. So I just want to let the girls know that you're seen, and like, it's not just— it's a whole different scenario. And granted, guys, like, yeah, every vagina is different, but like, they're not getting inserted into by it.
But also, don't you feel like your brain does this thing that like when you start to date a new guy, you like can't remember what the old guys penis looked like.
You're like, this is dicks.
Like, I've dated people before and they're like, oh, like, did he have a big dick? And I'm like, did he? Like, I'm like, I genuinely can't remember.
It's funny, I remember the huge ones and I remember the small ones, but I don't remember the ones in between, which kind of tracks.
Yeah, I guess there are 2 coming to my head right now that I've—
Yeah, like, I remember where I'm like, he had everything but But then you guys know I've broken up with men because they're too, too big.
You can't—
Have you? It's not sustainable.
British Dave. Oh, but is that why you broke up though?
No, but it was a factor. It was a huge factor actually. And he lied to me because I was like, has this been an issue with other girls? Like that I have to do a full meditation routine to relax enough to like get it Like halfway in.
Oh my God.
He was like, no, this never happened before. And then at the end of our relationship, he's like, yeah, you know, it's been a big issue. And I'm like, okay, thank you. Because I thought I was like— or I was like, do I have the tiniest pussy that's ever happened? Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Mom, Dad, Bobby Flay, whoever's listening.
You know what's crazy? If a man ever had this conversation on a podcast, I'd burn his house down.
No, but it's completely different because men use their dicks for violence. We're allowed to make fun of it.
It's why I can talk about domestic violence. Yes. I'm not going to, right?
I was giving you a platform if you needed it. I wasn't going to silence— silence you. Paige was trying to talk about domestic violence and Hannah kept talking about first date's dick. But I do say, as someone— I forget my past. I was like obsessed with dating guys who were like over 6'6.
Yeah.
But the thing is, when like a 6'6 guy has like a normal-shaped penis, it looks small. Why are you whispering?
I don't know.
I feel like people could hear.
I know what you mean though. I know what you mean.
This is the thing, Brush Dave was like 6'9 and it was like large for a 6'9 man.
No, I, I don't remember him being 6'9. Like, I remember him being tall, but—
You were drunk.
Oh my God, yeah. I was drunk the majority of the time I met him. It really was. Wait, okay, my new thing is— and I need the gigglers, I need the real doctor gigglers— because sometimes I will say something and I'll get some girls and I'm like, I know you're not a doctor.
But then you get some girls and they're like, yeah, I went to Stanford and got my whatever.
I have this overwhelming feeling, period. Help!
And I'm freaking out. How do you get numb? No, and I'm freaking out. I have an impending doom. It's like I forgot something, but I don't know what it is at all times.
Do you have anything that Big Pharma makes for that?
No.
I feel like my jaw might be off balance. This is serious.
What do you mean off balance? Like not on the right track?
Yes, I feel like my jaw might be off track.
I know what you should do.
What?
I know this med spa in Miami. You get messenger Botox, it'll even that shit right out.
You know how I like love getting a massage once a week? I'm gonna tell her because she said one day she was like, I'll put my fingers in your mouth if you ever feel like need. And so I think I'm gonna do that next week.
Do that for sure.
I feel like I I don't know.
You have TMJ potentially?
I don't think I do because I'm not sore.
Does it hurt?
No.
Oh.
This is just me analyzing my—
I was gonna say, I think you overanalyze things. Speaking of overanalyzing, how's your one eye?
Excuse you?
You know how the lady said one of your eyes is wonky?
Have I offended you this morning in some way? Oh, no.
I want to let you know that I've never seen a difference in your eyes.
I have to be really, really tired. And yeah, and so I did see her pop out a couple times this month where I was like, oh, maybe before 11 PM is where it's— there's our sweet spot. Um, but recently she's been fine. Honestly, I feel like I've had other issues. My jaw's off track. I can't worry about my eyes right now.
Is it affecting your speech?
No, no, it's all cosmetic. But I'm thinking maybe my jaw is off track and that's why my eye is off track.
Oh.
You know what it is? I just want to go to Korea for like 3 months and I just want to do all the beauty things that they do. And they like, they have this whole thing where they just like realign your whole body and it changes your whole face shape. And I want to go and I just want to see.
I love that. Speaking of Korea.
Yeah.
Did you see the drama with, um, Fenty Beauty and, um, Huda Beauty? Huda Beauty.
And what was the other one? They all came out with the same product like on the same day.
All came out the same product on the same day, and they basically were like, our Korean distributor lied to all of us and said like we're the only ones doing it. So, but it's funny because it's been done before by like smaller brands, but basically this product that you make your own eye masks. It like cuts the eye mask.
Yeah, it's like the gel of the eye mask.
And people are already saying like, you actually— it is going to be a drier eye mask. Like, it's not even like worth it as a product. But it is so interesting to just see how these beauty brands work as a whole, where someone was like, guys, everyone's using the same distributors, and like no one really has that different of a um, product unless it's like a truly invented new thing.
The biggest invention in that product was the container. Like, it's still the same eye patches, the, the gel eye patches that everyone has, and you could put slightly different things in it.
But they were saying that like for you to have a completely different product would take months and months and months and months of research and testing and blah blah blah, which these people aren't doing. So like, honestly, like, it takes doctors. Someone even said, they were like, do not buy an expensive moisturizer. Like, the moisturizers nowadays are— this is my algorithm on TikTok. Mine is like de-influencing TikTok. Everyone's like, down to this, down to this.
Oh, how unfun.
I know, I love it. I'm like, tell me not to buy shit.
Like, don't buy an expensive moisturizer as in like Ayy.
They basically said nowadays the technology is so good for normal moisturizers that like the really expensive ones aren't actually that different.
Yeah, I agree with that.
We're like, I guess serums I think is different, or like certain active ingredients. Retinol is different, but like moisturizer, we're at the point where like it's all good.
I actually agree with that. Like, I think you can get all of your skincare at CVS. The only time I'm getting other skincare is like when I get like my tretinoin from my dermatologist. Like, anything I'm getting from a dermatologist that I can't get in the store, then I'm like, yeah.
You loved saying tretinoin just now. Tretinoin.
I love my tretinoin. I use tretinoin. You need to get— you need to start using tretinoin.
Are you gonna name your kid Tretinoin? Tret— wait, Tret— Name your next cat Tretinoin. Per Se and Tretinoin.
No!
Per and Tret— this is the kind of creativity we have to have with our names, okay? We can't name every cat Mochi.
Wait, Per Se and Tret are—
Tret does sound like a guy that gave me chlamydia though.
It's like his middle name is Owen.
Yeah, Tret Owen.
Wait, I'm obsessed.
No, I love that so much.
No, but seriously, you should start using tretinoin. You're 35.
Why are we name— why are we age— age—
No, but it's just, it's good to get into, into the routine now of tretinoin.
I actually can't stop saying that I'm 35 to people.
You love being 35. Also, you don't care about age.
No, I'm like, respect me, I'm 35. But also, I'm insane where I met a girl who was like, oh, I graduated in 2022, and I was like, did the math, and I'm like, yeah, you're out of college. We're the same. We're both 2 girls out of college. Like, I was like, hi girly.
That's crazy.
No, in my head I'm 27.
Yeah.
I'm like, you're 24, I'm 27 plus a couple years, whatever. But I love— I tell everyone I'm 35 because I use it for excuses for things. I'm like, well, I'm 35, I'm not, I'm not going there, I'm 35.
Right. Up until— see, I think my jaw went like a little That way. Anyway.
I feel like you've actually been jealous of the attention I've gotten from my mouth and you're making up this, like, this jaw problem.
Oh, really? Because as someone who had a frozen chin 2 months prior to your jaw massacre—
People didn't care enough about it, and that's why you're taking it out on me now.
Now I forget what the fuck I was gonna say, and it was actually good. What were we saying?
You were gonna say— oh shit, you were gonna say, um, Wait, rewind, Grace, rewind it.
Wait, what were we just talking about though? And I didn't get my breakfast order in and I'm freaking out.
No, I was saying you're— you, you said you felt your jaw unaligned.
Yeah, but it was before that. That was like a side note.
Oh, okay, so you interrupted yourself and then I interrupted you interrupting yourself.
Wait, you know what Taylor said the other day? That I thought was just so funny because a lot of times I say mean things about Gen Z and Gen Alpha, and I really— I don't mean to. I don't want to be at war with them.
Yeah.
Taylor was describing someone and she was like, you know, like that millennial, like, fake mustache. And I was like, oh, oh my God, oh my God.
You mean when we'd write with Sharpie the mustache and put it on our finger under our nose?
Yeah, or like just things had like fake mustaches on them. Like, you would go and buy a mug and it'd have a fake— like, why? Like, millennials went through a really weird fake mustache phase.
Like, well, that was our, like, peak humor.
I feel like there's even, like, pictures on the internet of, like, people wearing fake mustaches at, like, party.
Well, like, yeah, when you go to a wedding, you, like, put on a fake mustache in the booth.
Yes, like, why was that, like, a core part of our Well, that's key millennial.
Like, I'm being so crazy right now. So silly.
Being different.
You had a side bang. Taylor Swift is now doing this like shag, like full—
I saw a picture of her at the football game last weekend. I thought her bangs looked so good.
It's just making me nervous for the future.
Well, Stassie also showed up to the Variety event in like a somewhat poof, and I said, yes girl, like I want it back.
I knew you loved her hair. I love her hair. It looked chic.
I loved her hair.
Yeah, so I'm just keeping an eye for that.
No, I'm like living in my bang era. I'm like, I'm like, I actually, now that I didn't get room service, I might go to breakfast and I might do like, yeah, just like side parting it up. Sorry.
I love that you're like, showed up with no makeup, fully blew on my bangs for 40 minutes though.
This is my variety hair. I haven't washed it.
Yeah, and besides that, I'm 0-2 in fantasy football.
No.
So like, my friends don't really respect me right now. So like, when I talk, everyone's like, shut up, you fucking loser. Every guy I pick like loses their leg. Like the first— every guy is getting carted off because they got hit by another huge man. Yeah, like, no shit, he dislocated his shoulder. Like, all my guys are, are injured.
Yeah.
So I'm like, can you guys be a little more careful and gentle with each other when you play?
I think the point is to not get hit, right guys? Here's an idea, get the ball on the other side.
I don't know. Here's an idea, maybe catch it and run away from the guy chasing you, you slowpoke. Also, I would just, just fall before they hit you. Like, it's so dramatic, you want to get hit. I would literally Like, I'd pretend I'm dead. Pretend you're dead first. That's what the quarterbacks do because they don't want to get hit.
I actually do lowkey feel like I would be good because if I see a guy coming at me, yeah, I'm running the other way.
Oh my God. Look, I'm—
me playing football is a cat having sex.
Have you ever seen a cat get caught by anything? No. She's out. She's out of here.
Never.
Cats would be so good at football if they had thumbs.
I'm literally— I need to see a picture of a cat having sex because it's actually like— I need to watch a video.
Google it. It's really upsetting. It's going to ruin your week.
Whatever. I'm a masochist.
Anyway, everyone enjoy your weekend. Thank you for giggling with us. We love you so much.
Bye!
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Wie sieht meine Steuererklärung aus?
Super Neuigkeiten! Sie müssen dieses Jahr keine Steuern zahlen.
Wie?
Ich hab draufgeschrieben: Nein danke. Das Finanzamt muss das respektieren.
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