Transcript of Giggling about BBLs, bees, and best friends

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Sup, gigglers? Gary, fix your Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit.

We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me. Hello, my—

I feel like a 2-year-old and like, and then, and then, and then when, and I was going, and I was in, and then I just said hello, my gigglers. But I don't have the kids today, guys. Thank God.

Thank God. Actually, I put in my own due diligence with children this weekend.

Due diligence?

Yeah, I did. I played, I played an insane round of hide and go seek with a 4-year-old and a 3-year-old. And here's the thing I like about them, they don't care if you cheat. They want to cheat. Like, I would go hide and then they would yell, where are you? And I would tell them, and then they would come get me.

You should have been like, this isn't what life's— how you live life. People don't give you the answers. You gotta figure it out yourself.

I realized I just wanted to make them happy, and that made me happy.

That was beautiful.

Something that didn't make me happy. Yes, back to our core, to our God-given hate. Just so you guys know that sometimes me and Hannah gossip before the pod, and sometimes, sometimes we do an hour It's not sometimes, every time we have to like say the things that we need to say that we can't say. Geekly Squad is unfiltered, uncensored, but it— that, that's in an intimate setting.

We're saying full names in the beginning, we're saying Social Security numbers, and we're— we need to protect people.

Okay, so anyway, today I make that TikTok of that like me living my dream life, like doing everything I've ever wanted to do in my life, and it's just like me, like, yeah, stoic with the resting face. So I put it on, and TikTok obviously like gets it. I put it on my Instagram story. It was anthropology to see who is naturally sarcastic in their everyday life and who is not. Like, I had some friends message me being like, are you okay? And like other people DMing me, but like, be like, it doesn't seem like you are though, you look really sad. And I'm like, that's the joke.

And then if you only think about yourself like me, I said that was her standing in solidarity with me, showing she's going about her life not smiling, right? I said I love that for me, right?

And that was your take.

No, that was such a funny—

so funny.

You also posted footage from the Jersey Shore this weekend. How was the Jersey Shore? What did you see? How was the boardwalk?

I think just like a classic Jersey Shore weekend, and by that I mean I wore really cute outfits and I went to the beach. I literally, like, I, I love a beach, I love an outfit, I love a summer, I love a beach, I love an outfit. When I tell you I sat there and I looked at the rest of the girls and I said, girls, 'How did we get here in 2026?' And they looked at me and they said, 'We don't know.' There was a group of men, okay, and they're standing, they're doing men things, you know, like they're pulling, they're pulling carts and things that hold beverages, and they're putting—

they like to carry—

yeah, like they're doing things, they're standing there, putting it down. But I had an observation where I said, 'The men are standing over there talking about their bodies.' for a full 45, a full 45 about their bodies. And I'm looking at the girls and I'm like, never in my life did I think I would sit here at 33 years old and we haven't discussed our bodies once.

You guys are talking about starting a business, you guys are talking about stocks, you guys are talking about your dreams.

One of them was pregnant, we didn't even bring it up.

I'm just kidding.

But I was like, guys, sit down.

Seriously, they're talking about their hip-to-waist ratio.

The men have— the men have lost it. They're talking about routines, they're talking about proteins, they're talking about different mixes.

But I do think as men get older, as their testosterone lowers— if I had to hear about it, that's like all they talk about, which I know that you're triggered by, but like, it's all they talk about. I think like the The movie Werewolf was literally just about a guy who overdosed on testosterone when he was like hitting his middle age and was like afraid. I think men should naturally lose a little soft— whatever happened to softening in your older age gracefully? Aging gracefully.

In my head, I'm just like, you don't have a beauty standard. What are you guys working against?

What do you mean? Period.

Like, what's your beauty standard? Do men have a beauty stan— wait, is my computer about to die? No. Do men have a beauty standard? Like, is there a guy, or like, is there a celebrity that like unanimously men are like, he's—

I feel like George Clooney, men like look up to because he's like distinguished. Brad Pitt, I think like guys think are hot. You could also like, if you said like Hercules, I feel like you did like the red Power Ranger.

Do you think like they compare their bodies to anyone? And like, who do you think it is?

I know that like guys do, but they'll make fun of the guy who's like really fit if they're not fit. They're like, oh, you've been working out a lot.

Leonardo DiCaprio is arguably one of our most famous celebrities and he's had a dad bod for 30 years and no one cares.

Wanna stem of the week? Yeah, to bring it back to women.

Yeah, sorry.

There's a girl going around who used— and when a girl's going around —Did you want me to finish that sentence? I was just like— and she went around. Um, she's using her CPAP, which is this thing you put in your mouth. Sleep apnea. For sleep apnea. She realized she could take her hair and roll it around the CPAP machine so she could have heatless curls, and in the morning she had no sleep apnea and gorgeous natural waves. So shout out to her. If you Google CPAP heat curler, she'll definitely come up. It's been sent to me like 200 times. That's extraordinary. I mean, genius.

But going back to body stuff, really, because I was going to take it in heatless curls.

But you know what, before we seeg into, um I get tennis stuff and there's this thing called 1800s, like what girls wore to tennis in the 1800s, which you would have loved. It's just like corset over corset over— because that's like whatever.

That's so practical to run.

But then are you familiar with what a bustle is?

Isn't a bustle like, like a big skirt, like the back of a big skirt? Like you can pin your bustle up? Like I only know that from like weddings.

So it looks like a big lobster tail. Okay, so they'd put this like bustle, which basically an 1800s BBL. Like, you have the outfit, they're like, now let's put on our bustle. So it made girls look like they had this huge curvy butt. And I'm like, since day one the girls were getting BBLs, and in no way was that helping your tennis game. If anything, it was just more to carry.

I think the girls are like still getting BBLs.

Well, now people are rumoring any skinny girl that like has a butt, they're like getting a BBO. That's a— that was a mine, a little BBO or a pad.

Here's the thing, I just like love sitting so much, you couldn't— there's no— I'm not making a commitment to not sit for like a week.

Oh God, no.

Like, I'm just not doing that. You just stand everywhere. How are you sleeping?

Well, I heard that when girls get it done in Mexico and they have to get on the plane, everyone's just standing up on the plane.

I've seen them on the airplane and they're like, some are like kneeling on the seats. I've also seen like chairs that like have the butt cut out that you could like sit, whatever. But at nighttime, are you just only laying on your stomach? That seems— that's so bad for my lower back.

I love a stomach sleep. I love a stomach sleep. Yeah, I can't ever do that. I love a stomach sleep. It's very grounding.

How does your lower back not— killing me.

It's killing me. Actually, is that the source of all my lower back pain?

No, it's hurting me just thinking about you sleeping on your stomach the whole night.

Well, I start on my stomach, then I go on my side, and I end up on my back. It's like a whole routine. Oh, and one more Lois comment.

Did you show Lois my TikTok of all my beach outfits? No, but I need to.

Yeah, you really do. I will. I go downstairs and all I did was put some like lipstick on, and Lois goes, "You have a pretty face." And I said, "Thank you." And she goes, "Because you put makeup on." And I said, "Okay." And then she goes, "You look like Paige." She goes, "You look pretty like Paige." She's so Giggly Squad coded.

Her just saying "you" have a pretty face is so Giggly Squad coded, just in general. Like, she only wants me in glam. Yeah, same.

I'm like literally useless to her without glam. I wake up in the morning bare-faced and she's like, and I tried to teach her. I said, well, you know, I put makeup on and she looked at me and she said, Dez is going to want to marry you. And I said, Lois, Lois. He loves me without makeup on. She goes, why? I'm telling you, I'm not making this up. This is verbatim what she's saying to me. She goes, why? And I go, because sometimes people like your personality if you're smart and if you're kind. And she's like, put the makeup on. No. And I'm like, okay, we've learned nothing today.

Lois has a pink aura, and I think I think I am similar to her in like, okay, sometimes there are things that like—

different page.

In my 20s and younger, and probably even in my early 30s, have there been things that I've done that you could classify as pick me? Yeah, I'm alive. Like, I've done pick me things before. Yeah, but sometimes when it's like really girly things and people will argue like I saw a girl on TikTok the other day and it was like, really, like, beauty routines are inherently misogynistic because like, who are you doing them for? But sometimes I feel attacked in that rhetoric because I'm like, not never once, I'm not going to say that. Like, yeah, have I gotten ready for a guy before?

Of course. Well, that's just like, you're attracted to someone, you want to do things like to attract a mate.

Yeah, but like, my nighttime skincare routine genuinely I mean, actually, it's not for you. I'm like, is it to like not look older? But then I'm like, why do I want to not?

First of all, there's nothing wrong with wearing makeup. I love makeup. But like, did you wear makeup every day going to your all-girls school?

Never, not once. Okay, but I did on Fridays when I knew I had to go to the boys' high school. No, but there were some days where like if I wanted to try out like a hairstyle, like I would do it. Yes.

Yeah, well, like when we do a photo shoot, I'm not thinking about men like are gonna like these pictures. If anything, they're not the only boys I'm thinking about. If gay men will like this or not, that actually is in my head a little too much.

I had to film something today and I filmed with 3 girls— 4 girls, 4 girls, 1 guy. 2 girls, 1 cup. And as soon as the gay guy came into my chair, I felt as though I had known him for—

Do you work for a hair salon? What do you mean he came into my chair? Is that next to me? My chair? Yeah. Why did I say that? You're like, how long has it been? Split ends, baby, split ends.

You wanna know what?

I got a haircut today, so maybe that Oh, you did?

No, he came and sat next to me and we filmed what we had to film, to the point where someone asked if we knew each other before, and I said, me and gay men?

You do not.

If you're gay, we have. I said, I just— I— we just— we click. It's just something about us.

I was with my Uncle Johnny all weekend. He's perfect. He got a martini at dinner with all the kids. He had sex with him.

He literally was fighting for his life.

And then I got in trouble because Lois got up, left her pizza. Why are— is kids' food look so good, Hannah? Why does it look so good? And I'm like, look around the table. I'm like, if I were to take a bite— they were like, if you take a bite, she'll freak out. And I'm like, is it worth it?

It's something the moms have not told us in our DMs. I get DM'd a lot of things about being a mom, like when we bring things up, and not one of them has ever said anything about the children's snacks.

Um, dino nuggets, I could eat that for the rest of my life.

I was sitting at dinner the other night Having an adult meal of cheeseburgers, hot dogs. Get to my rides, eating mac and cheese. I said, where'd you get that? They said, my mom made it for me. I said, where is your goddamn mom? I need a bowl. Kids went to sleep, things went in the refrigerator. I scurried right over there. I ate their leftovers. So don't leave mac and cheese around me. I It looks so good. I don't even know what brand it was. I think it was like that, um, what's that really trendy one? Auntie Anne's? No, like noodles and poodles.

Oh yeah, koodles. Poodles and noodles. And there's protein in it. Wait, so what happened with you and your new bestie, your new gay bestie in the chair?

I hate to sound like an influencer, but I can't tell you right now. You'll see it at a later date.

She's teasing. Um, comment, don't in the chair. No, it's like, comment below.

I've gotten a lot of DMs about that, of like, it's diabolical what they're doing. Hannah and I were on FaceTime earlier, and Hannah said the word demonic, and I said, oh, I said, oh my God, Hannah, I used the word demonic today. And I, I don't think I— because usually my go-to is diabolical. But I said, let me switch it up.

You gotta get new words, new adjectives. I love that we both knew it at the same time. That's where we bonded. Should we both just like get a thesaurus and like look around every day? Just change stuff up. You love saying thesaurus just then. You're like, I'll see a thesaurus.

There was a 50/50 shot I was gonna get it right, right before I said it, and then you panicked.

Thesaurus is a cunty dictionary. Thesaurus is like when I don't want to say the word and I want to say a different one and you can't tell me what to say.

Yeah, I feel like there was like a phase in my life where my mom was like, if you don't have a thesaurus, then how are you even doing your homework? And I'm like, I don't think you know who the hell you're talking to, lady. You and I, we do not see eye to eye when it comes to this school stuff.

You go, Mom, where I'm gonna be, we're not gonna need a thesaurus, I promise you. Hannah and her mom will handle the book writing.

Cut to me being a New York Times bestselling author. No one's talking about thesaurus. No thesaurus in sight.

And no ChatGPT, baby.

Dude, I, I would absolutely crush high school right now. Are you kidding? I don't even get how that's being right.

I'm very worried. I'm very, very worried. Um, I have more gay lore, okay, in regards to The Little Mermaid. Yeah, so the Giggler's—

well, you're really on this. You're on this case.

There's more shit going on with Hans Christian Andersen. Hell yeah. A Whole New World. Um, I Want to Be Where the People Are. All day in the sun. No, you just did this.

You just brought this up so you can sing. I'm sick of this podcast. I've had it with this goddamn podcast.

I'm tuning, I'm tuning. ABCD. Wish I Could Be Part of Your World. Okay, it's a gay anthem. It's about not being able to be out and be gay. That's why he felt like a mermaid who couldn't be with the people. He wants to be part of their world. Media literacy, it's a lost art. Out where they walk, out where they talk, out where they stay all day in the sun. Ooh, I have chills. That was his love rhyme with his wife who didn't know, full family. And Hans was just yearning Hold up, hold up.

The guy that wrote The Little Mermaid was a gay man who was obviously—

who was married. I hope so. A straight man being like, The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen. There's a little mermaid, she was in the water swimming. Of course he was gay. A straight guy be like, the big strong mermaid. God, stop, stop, stop.

There's so many things I want to say, I can't say them. Wait, wait, so he's married to a woman and this was like his life's work and this is how he got out that like he was gay?

Imagine she's scrolling Instagram today, she's like, what the stuff.

What year was this? I need—

I should honestly do like one Google search before— no, I need—

I just need to know things.

There are other podcasts that like say they're like experts in things and people get mad when they get stuff wrong. It's not this, but I feel like people don't— they like prefer us to get it wrong. Hans Christian Andersen, we set the scene early. Gay icon. Hans' sexuality is, is viewed by modern scholars as fluid or biromantic. Oh, apparently Edward— Edvard. Ooh, Edvard Collin Anderson. That's not a last name. No, it's his first name. Edward Collin. Edward Collin. Edward. What? He had an intense unrequited attachment to his close friend, and he wrote in letters, I long for you as though you were a beautiful Calabrian girl.

If I had a nickel.

Wait a second.

Wait, I know this exact gay man.

But then later in his life, he was with a Danish ballet dancer named Harold.

One time somebody wrote me a letter, like a breakup letter. Like I broke up with him and then he wrote me a letter. And my brother intercepted the letter. And he goes, bro, I'm gonna give you one piece of advice. Do not give this to my sister. And the guy was like, why? Like, I said a lot of really good things in there. Like, I want her to know how I feel. And my brother said, she's not gonna respect you, dude.

He's like, okay, Mailman Gary, I'm just trying to express myself like my therapist told me to, and you're really getting in the way.

He was like, just get back in your car, get out of our driveway, you were never here.

Okay, Hans. Little Mermaid was interpreted by literary scholars— and they never give a name when they say literary scholars, I don't know who these literary scholars are— as queer allegory for unrequited same-sex love, mirroring the painful longing for his close friend Edvard. What year? Oh yeah, that was the first question you asked me.

This is why we don't have an expert podcast.

It powerfully captures the feeling of an outsider wanting to enter a forbidden or unreachable society.

In the year of what of our Lord?

Okay, we'd be so bad in a group project. This is what it's like being in a group project with me and Paige right now. The project was due 2 weeks ago, by the way. Okay. Hans Christian Little Mermaid. Not gay allegations. I'm just trying. Now it like thinks I want— okay. Date? No, he's going to— year. Okay. Okay. When do you think the film was? If you had to—

the very first film. I know it was like one of the first. I'm gonna say The Little Mermaid, like the movie.

Okay, let me explain. I thought you were just gonna throw a number out there. I didn't know there could be follow-up questions. I was gonna say 1949.

Okay, the book was in 1837 in Copenhagen, Denmark.

Fairy tales told for children ended in a murder-suicide. Um, and the movie was, was 1989, so like recent.

But I was way off on that.

Okay, well, if you average the two, you were, you were right on.

Wait, I was definitely not gonna get 18 whatever you said. Yeah, I love a period piece though. Why isn't there a movie about this man? I would love that.

Maybe there is a documentary.

That would be amazing. Okay, so his wife's definitely not scrolling Instagram and being like, what?

We've lost Hannah. He looks sweet. Sorry, I was— interesting comb-over. Do you remember when, like, in the '80s, it was like very— like, when men lost their hair, they just combed it over, and that was— no one made a note. No one was like, maybe— they were like, this looks good.

Now, a couple months ago on the pod, I said something like, you guys, the men should have a beauty standard, and like, they should go get their hairs— their hair done, and their hair's done. And like recently I feel like I don't like it because I don't like the arrogance that I feel like they get after. If you're a gay man, literally go and like do it. Obviously that's like so exciting. But I feel like some men, it was the only thing keeping them humble. Not having a beauty routine. Yeah. Okay, so I have to tell you guys something, and I genuinely think I've become one of those people who won't shut up about a blanket. Like, if you come to my apartment, I'm making you touch my Lola blanket. The second someone feels it, they're like, wait, okay, I need to get it. And honestly, you guys also know I've gifted a lot of Lola blankets because truly it's the softest blanket I've ever owned. I have the extra large blanket in the color Greenhouse, and it's made of insanely soft foam fur, and it has stretch to it. It's machine washable, and somehow it still looks brand new even though it's permanently draped over my couch.

These blankets just truly make everything feel so much cozier. The only problem is I thought about it— the only problem is I thought I bought it for me, but it turns out I actually bought it for Daphne. She has completely claimed every Lola blanket in my house, and every single time I go looking for it, she's already asleep or making biscuits on it. So I finally gave up and ordered her her own Lola bed, the small one in Bondi Beige, and honestly, it's the best decision I've ever made. She loves being perched up, so it's already like high and perfect height for her, and she immediately curled up into it, and she didn't even inspect it first, which is very different for her. She just loved it right away, and it's made with that same ridiculously soft Lola material but it has an orthopedic foam base, so it's actually supportive for pets. It's machine washable, and now I finally get my Lola blanket back most of the time. For a limited time, our listeners can get 40% off select Lola blanket products with code GIGGLY at checkout. Just head to lolablankets.com and use code GIGGLY to get 40% off your order.

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Do you think men should be allowed to use red light?

Only if I put it on, or, or they're like in— they have to recover from something.

I was gonna say, Des put red light on his knee.

He's recovering from surgery. No, like, if like a whole room of red light, like in the bedroom before bed?

No, no. Well, are you getting those TikToks? People are like, you can get a new red light home. I have it. And your home is fully— the ceilings are red light.

I literally did it to myself with Amazon. Wait, that's what I was talking about today when I said demonic. Like, the first time I ever got like a red light like in my room, my mom was like, is this something demonic?

Kim is counting her rosaries.

Mom, this is for my wrinkles.

It is giving satanic ritual for sure. Someone's getting sacrificed and it's your wrinkles.

Yeah. Um, also, even if it is a placebo effect, I don't care. I love Feeling. I love my red light before bed.

Have you felt anything? That's my thing, like, I prefer a feeling. You can't quantify it.

Have you ever felt anything? I feel something from my, um, I was just gonna say my thimble, my tuning fork. That you feel something because like you feel and hear the vibration, and that like genuinely works. I'm telling you. What does it do?

It— you did not think I was gonna ask a follow-up question to that one. You said this podcast was about no follow-up questions.

You said no follow-up questions on this podcast, that we weren't experts.

Whenever you say tuning forks, I get so hungry.

Wait, I'm so hungry right now.

I just ate orecchiette broccoli rabe pasta, which is my current hyperfixation.

Well, I feel like broccoli rabe pasta is always your current hyperfixation. Obsessed with little sausage. Do you know that that's like one pasta that I actually hate?

And that's why we're best friends. Yeah, because if we like the same pasta, then we'd fight over it all the time.

If you go to a restaurant and somebody gives me broccoli rabe, I know I'm giving it right to you. I don't know what it is. I don't— I think it's like bitter tasting.

Yeah, but I think I like the salty sweet. I'm not gonna get into it. It's too— we can agree to disagree.

Okay, we don't need to get— let's not fight in front of everyone.

Yeah, I had something crazy happen to me this weekend. Hmm, and I didn't know this could happen when you're a grown-up. Got stung by a bee. Where? I thought that was the thing that happened to children only. Where? Well, it was a full family day, and when I tell you, like, I'd been upstairs on your body. Well, it was a crisp, crisp morning. Oh, I was reading Hans Christian Andersen by the— having a nice cup of coffee by the window. No, but it was a family day. There is a story.

Okay, go hit me with the story. Set the scene.

8:30 AM, I was awakened by the howling of children. Yeah. And I forgot that I was not in my own home.

Isn't that the worst? When you wake up.

I was having so much fun though with them, and then more family came over. It was a full Italian gathering. And then after around 5 hours, like, I'm good. I've said all it needs to be said. I've hit— it only gets worse from here. And the kids are like, we want to go play in the splash pad. That's what they're calling it. Totally. We thought it was like a little pool, and then we took it out and it was just like, you know, when they put out just like rubber with like some water on it.

I have absolutely no idea what a splash pad is. Is it someplace you go? You buy one?

Do you remember that when you would like go down— what is it called— the water slide that you'd put in your backyard, and then there'd be like one rock and it would just like rip everyone's insides out?

No, I don't know what you're talking— a slip and slide? Slip and slide. Okay, okay.

So it's like a mini slip and slide. Okay. Anyway, I'm like, I'm gonna go with the kids and watch. But I'm already like dying. Like, I— it's only 5 o'clock and I don't know, we have a whole night ahead of us. And I hear buzzing in my ear and I guess I'm not— the bee like got in my hair and I was like trying to like kind of get it out and then it stung my ear and my finger. I got double stung. And I stop and I go, I think I got stung by a bee. And everyone, everyone like really reacts. Like, I was like, are you okay? And then I realized I have an out. And I was like, let me, let me go downstairs and check. So I grab some ice, go to the basement, turn on the Tennis Channel.

You are a dad. Pass out for 2 hours.

You're a dad. I am literally dad. You are 2 hours. I come back, the kids are so excited to see me. They miss me so much. My mom's like, where the hell were you? We're in the trenches. I got stung by a bee. It could— I could have gone to the hospital. Meanwhile, I— it didn't even— it was like a very light sting.

Imagine it bit your face and you could like smile again.

No, but like, how many things have to happen to me in a given day?

Yeah, well, it's, it's been kind of a crazy summer with like Mercury in retrograde and like people are really fighting for their lives. It's looking better though.

Yeah, not that— it is like this side or this side, but overall it looks better.

No, I, I actually agree. Like, that's still going down. No, your lip is so much better on the top, and it's wider.

Yeah, it is. But I digress. But you know when your friends are like allergic to bees and like a bee comes around and they like freak out because they could have a serious like, definitely reaction.

You know what's so crazy is because we're around— we've been around like children recently. At one point there was a small baby child, could not even speak yet, was eating something, and I just heard his dad say, 'Does that have nuts in it?' And I mean, I didn't give the food to the baby, so like I was out of this lawsuit, but like my immediate reaction is like How crazy when you have a baby, you just have to like see if they're allergic to something. Like, so what do you even do?

I guess you're right, something has to happen to know if someone's allergic, right? So like one day— wait, you're like, throw a shellfish at its face?

So like, wait, as a mom, you guys have all just collectively picking a random day and being like Today's the day we're giving the baby peanut butter. We're gonna fucking see what happens. Like, why?

Yeah, like, I haven't heard that there's like allergy tests. Maybe some moms do it, but back in the day, you know, they didn't have that shit. They were just like, it's time to eat a soybean.

What do you think is the most annoying thing to be allergic to?

Well, peanut allergies like caused a lot of drama because if you have a peanut allergy, no one in your vicinity is allowed to have peanuts. So like in school they'd be like, someone here has a peanut allergy, so no one can have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And everyone's like, what the fuck?

Sometimes even on planes. Plane?

Yeah, they'd be like, someone here— they always have someone, somebody. Yeah, they're like, definitely, we're not gonna say a name, but the girl in the front has a peanut allergy. So no one can have peanuts. But apparently peanut allergies are now— I feel like so popular.

I was gonna say so common.

Oh no, no, before— what were you gonna say? Who are you? You know, I have a girlfriend who ate so many almonds she gave herself an allergy. She became allergic to almonds. You can overdose to the point that your body rejects it?

She overdosed on healthiest girl I know.

Okay, well, it's going to say if I was going to overdose on a— I would be a macadamia nut. Well, I'm not a fatty, greasy one.

Oh shoot, I'm allergic to— give me a pecan. I'm allergic to pasta with butter and Parmesan cheese.

No, that's like when everyone was upset about the lettuce going around. I'm like, oh no, I can't have a full salad with every meal. Oh no, Dino chicken nuggets again.

Like, also, one, like, in my 20s I had this thought where I was like, oh, one day I'm like not going to eat pasta with butter and Parmesan cheese. Like, I'm gonna be an adult and I'll like make food. I'm gonna eat pasta with butter and Parmesan cheese at least once a week for till the day I die, for sure. Like, it's the best thing ever. And for sure, here's another thing: not all Parmesan cheese is created equal.

That pause was crazy. That pause for effect was crazy about Parmesan cheese.

She was like, everyone quiet, not all is made equal.

Not all Parmesans, yeah. And Parmesan—

and if you're not getting like finely grated, you're getting almost like it's like a little thicker, it doesn't stick to the pasta and the butter the same way.

So just know that going forward. I know our Drag Race names. What are they? I'm Lasagna Del Rey. Okay. And your pasta parmigiana.

Oh, I was gonna say, I don't know why pasta primavera like stuck in my head.

There has to be something cunty about it though. Oh right, actually, Princess Primavera. What was your first one? I said parmigiana. I like that actually.

I actually like that one the best.

Parmigiana is iconic. Now I'm starving. But anyway, um, I have also a fake tan update.

Okay, I didn't know we were—

were we following a story? Well, Hailey Cherie Nicola had— full government name— had told me to buy this like Amazon spray tan droplet thing just to like tan your face a little.

Like, one that you like mix with like your moisturizer. Yeah, exactly.

So I bought it and it actually was really good, which I was like, cool, I'll put it in the newsletter. It's like blue and white, whatever. Okay, it's like $8. So then I put in my makeup bag and then of course it like explodes my makeup bag, but I don't know that it's the fake tan that exploded. I just thought something exploded in my makeup bag, which if I had a nickel— so I'm just going about my day with something that exploded, and then the next day my hand looks like a cheetah because there's dots all over it because I was like rummaging through my makeup bag and Lois is like, what's on your hand? And then I took a hair tie that was in my makeup bag and look at my— I don't know, this is the most Hannah thing I—

that's ever Hannah'd.

This is so— because this is why I can't have fake tan around me.

Was it like when you were rummaging through your bag, like, was it wet?

I thought a moisturizer had like exploded a little and I was like, whatever. And I didn't want to go through and wash the 50 things in my makeup bag, which an adult might have done, but I was like, I can navigate this, I can deal with adversity. I didn't know that I was literally dyeing my skin, so I looked like I have just like orange shit all over my hands.

There's nothing worse than when something explodes in your makeup bag.

And then I have a toddler yelling at me to put more makeup on, and I'm like, "Lois, I have a lot I'm dealing with right now." Oh my God, I can't believe that happened to you.

That is— oh my God. Yeah, it's been a week. Well, at least you know it lasts. It's a great product and it's long-lasting, and we will put it in the newsletter because look at that, it's not too orangey. They do what they say and they mean it.

—and they mean it. Do you ever do the tan contour? Do you remember that was like a thing for a week?

I haven't done it in a while. Like, when's the last time I spray tanned? Like, before the summer. But I do do it every time I spray tan because I don't— it's not that like I feel like fake tan makes me break out because I don't think it does. Like, some brands, yeah, for sure. But like overall, I don't know. I just like, like my skincare routine. So I do my skincare routine and then I wait for like a really long time. So that it like completely seeps in, and then I'll do the contour. There's just something about putting it all over my face. I'm like, I don't know. But I— but then like when I go get a spray tan like from a woman, I let her do my face and it's like the same thing.

Do you do it during the summer?

No. I feel like I'm so tan right now. You are. And I like got a little sunburn at the beach, which like— no, I've hit the age where I'm mad at myself, where I'm like, how the fuck Did that happen? Like, you put sunscreen on? Like, yeah, that's when you know you're— that's when you know you're an adult, guys.

I'm turning 35 in 2 weeks.

Oh my God, it's actually so chic. 35, 35 is chic.

And I'm getting all these Instagrams that are just like, your 40s are better than your 30s, and your 50s are better than your 40s, and your 60s are better than your 50s. This woman in her 40s was talking about how she's her happiest in her 40s because she said your 20s, you don't know what the fuck's going on. And then your 30s is everyone is like on a crazy timeline, like when are you having kids, when are you getting married, and it's just so stressful because of timelines. But she's like, your 40s, everyone's given up on timelines because things either happened or they didn't, and everyone's just living life.

Yeah, so that's kind of— we're hitting the first round of divorces. Oh yeah, they're coming. Let me tell you, they're coming in hot.

Are we? We are, I guess.

I feel like I know like a couple people.

I kind of love like losing a friend to a marriage and then getting her back while you're still single and she went through her whole marriage and you're like, get back in here, girl! That hasn't happened to me yet, but you never know. You never know. You really don't know. Um, I have some technological update— updates from the Women in STEM. The girls And I think you also, I have to double check, are posting horizontal Instagram photos.

Okay, well, I'm not trying to do it on purpose. I don't know how to change it to get it to stay. Oh, so you did it by accident? Yeah, every time I do it, it's, it's against my will.

I know how to fix it. Whatever your first photo is you choose in the dump is what dimensions will keep it.

Okay, I tried that.

So you tried to do long first and then move it? No, that's what you have to do. But Hailey Bieber posted horizontal today.

Oh, she probably can't figure it out.

She might not think she can't figure it out. It's kind of like Regina George when she got her nipples cut and then she was like, well, and started walking around. Everyone did it because you did it, then she did it, and then I was like, I guess all the cool girls are doing it.

No, I didn't do it on purpose. Well, because you want to know what's annoying? When I use my, um, digital camera and I import my pictures, they're horizontal, so then I can't—

yeah, just don't have it as the first photo and then move it to the first photo after. Wow, I feel so— I feel like IT right now.

In your household, are you IT or is Des IT?

It's so weird. Des is IT. Well, when it comes to like printers, TVs, it says It's Dez, because that's—

he's really house manager over there.

I— he's— it's— and he's exhausted. Like, he came in, he was like, who left the umbrella open? And I was like, I didn't know we had an umbrella. It's chaos over here in these streets.

Hannah, I'm gonna be thinking about how you went downstairs, turned on the Tennis Channel. All you needed to— fell asleep for 2 hours. All you needed to do was bet on that game and then wake up to see like if your bet hit or not, and you would have been dad. You would have been a full daddy, and then you would have gone upstairs and been like, Des, the fuck is dinner? Like, I was gone for 2 hours.

No, I love like when sitting with the men and then the women get up to start cleaning, and I'm like, why aren't you guys cleaning? Yeah, they're like, why aren't you cleaning? I'm like, why would I clean?

That is a very stereotypical thing that really grinds your gears.

Well, because I don't know why women automatically have to clean. They cooked also, especially when they cooked. But actually, my household, it's a rule. My nan and my mama cook, and like, without— not a second goes by, Papa and my dad are cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. And the dishes are— I mean, does that happen in my household? No, because we get Uber Eats. I'm also going through a little identity crisis. Okay, with my profile picture on Instagram.

Um, I meant to bring that up to you. I meant to bring that up to you. Wait, we have to pull it up for the people because if you—

well, I changed it again.

Wait, I need to see what you're— what you're at right now because I changed it again. I just didn't type in your name. That was so weird.

What'd you type in?

Oh, you just changed it right before the pod.

Yeah, I'm like— but I'm not sticking with that one yet. I was just testing it.

Okay, I liked the one you had before. I thought it was like fun and cute and flirty.

For a second I was like, should I be like— is it cool to not have like a professional photo up? Like, I'm like, let's stop being so serious. So then I was just scrolling and I randomly just found a photo of me like doing a kissy face. Like, I didn't even know I had that photo and it's not even like my favorite photo. I just felt like it was authentic. And then someone said, I don't like your PFP. So then I Googled PFP and it's profile picture. So then I was like, okay, some young girl doesn't like my profile picture. So then I panicked before we started the pod and just picked another one. And then Haley texted me and was like, what's going on with your profile picture? So I'm kind of freaking out right now.

I love being a girl. I love it. I love it so much. I love it so much. Like, no, this is the stuff I'm talking about, Hannah. Here's the thing, when I change my profile picture, I look for one person opinion and one person only, and that woman's name, Kimberly DeSorbo. Text your mom. Really?

See if she likes it. No, but sometimes my mom will like photos of me that like are pretty, and I don't want a pretty photo.

My mom speaks in very like honest terms. Well, like almost like honest, but like in an old school of like, what year is it? Like she'll be like, you look tough. I'm like I mean, like what? Like I could beat someone up? You just— you look harsh. I don't—

we're of the MySpace generation and we like to reinvent ourselves with a profile picture.

She likes when I look elegant, where sometimes I want to look a little bad, you know?

Yeah, you're bad girl. Yeah, you're naughty. I'm gonna be a bad— sometimes you're bad girl. I feel like with mine, I had my Hulu special, which is still available to watch. Yes. And but I was like feeling like, okay, I don't need my Hulu special photo up anymore. And then I was thinking of like random cool girls who like, they have like their, their photo of them as a kid. They're like, I'm just silly.

Yeah. Where it's like, it's not even like a picture of them. Yeah. You want to know who has a real, like, who I always think is really good? Josephine. Josephine has had the same picture of a dog that is not even her dog for years.

See, that's cool. It makes no sense. It was a dog she saw on the street.

When you— and when you ask her about it, she has a cool story. Yeah, it was a dog she saw on the street in Japan, and it's like, yeah, oh my God, she's so cool. Yeah, I'm like, that is like really cool.

I think that I didn't con— think— consider trying to be cool, and then I didn't know how to be cool, and now—

and those are the coolest girls of all.

That's what you're my best friend.

You have to rework it.

Wait, you literally just— you said, don't say that about my friend. Yeah, you're— she's the coolest girl, you know.

You're literally so cool. And also, like, what makes a person cool? Being hilarious and gorgeous? Okay, check, check.

But like, you know what I was thinking? I, I think in the past people think I'd be cooler if I didn't smile as much.

You want to know what? You're so nice. That's what it is. You're so approachable. And usually, like, really nice people don't get the word cool thrown around. And if you get the word cool thrown around, you also have to be ready for bitch. You're right. So like, I take the good with the bad.

She goes, if you want to be cool, you also have to be a bitch. If you want to live this life and you can't handle that kind of heat, if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen, bitch.

Yeah, I feel like you're so nice.

You're cool, but like, not— you're actually like so sweet. Like, you're not mean at all. But like, I know there's people in this industry who are mean. Yeah. And everyone's like, they're so cool. And I'm like, when did it become cool to be mean?

Well, people are scared of them. I feel like people are scared of them. And like, they're the kind of people that like— they're like, if you don't have group mentality and think like me, you're not cool. Where I feel like we're not group mentality people. We're not.

We're not.

That's why sometimes we're not that cool, because we're like, we don't want to, we're not going. Like, how many times are we like, actually, we're not going?

Like, we don't know. Sometimes we're not cool because we're— we are not group mentality, and then sometimes we're cool because we're not group mentality, and it's like 50/50. Didn't you just say the same thing twice? Yeah, but also I think I was playing too much tennis during my high school years. I didn't think about these things and you did. About being cool? About, about like how you're perceived.

I started being perceived at a very young age, so I had to think about it. Like, I didn't want to think about it, but I had to.

And I was purely perceived in the sports realm, which is literally like, that's a score, bitch, that's a score.

And I think that's why I like— I always leaned more mysterious. That's why it's so crazy that I even did reality TV.

Oh, I'm not mysterious. I'm not mysterious. You know what's funny? We never talk about this, but Paige at first, during the, um, what's the auditioning process? Is that what it's called? Yeah. I remember I had heard back, Jordan heard back, and you hadn't heard back yet. And I remember seeing you and— sorry, was that public knowledge?

Okay, like, okay, what did I do?

No, but I remember seeing you like in the office.

It wasn't that I didn't hear back, I didn't get it.

Oh, see, I just didn't know if you like— I didn't, I didn't hear that you got told no, but I remember thinking like, she looks too cool. I did—

no, I didn't get told no. I didn't know I didn't get it. I just assumed by not hearing back. And then when they called me and said two girls dropped out, I, I was like, oh, so I wasn't— I was like, so I wasn't picked?

Well, because let's be honest, you were shy, stylish, very New York Scorpio. I didn't see you as someone who wanted to be all out there.

No, I didn't. I didn't want to at all.

I could see you as a news reporter.

I just knew it was gonna get me something else that I wanted, and that's why I did it.

See, I've never been mysterious a day in my life. Yeah. And the producers were like, this is gonna be good.

I don't want to say like I knew— like I knew how to game the system, because you don't at all. Reality TV is so crazy. But I definitely— there were certain times where I was like, yeah, I'm I'm not doing that.

You were always better at saying no to situations where I was a little more desperate to be like, but they won't like me, or they'll get mad if I don't like join in. Where you're— you knew from a young age, she knew she was a bitch.

I haven't yelled at anyone in a while.

Yeah, because you're, you're not being paid to. I know. Oh. Oh, that felt good.

That was an eyelash. See, and this is how it happens when you're like, and whose eyelash is this?

Mine. Did you just kind of fight with yourself? You were like, and then later on in the day when I forget that I put that there, I'm gonna go fight with someone. I haven't yelled at someone in a second, but that is fun just to go up to a guy and be like, whose eyelashes is this?

No, do you know how many times I've fought with boyfriends where I've been like, whose is this? And then I'm looking at it and I'm like, that mine.

Remember when I didn't know about where Des is— about the shorts? I thought it was a woman's short, and Des is like, those are my European shorts.

Wait, vaguely. I vaguely remember this. Wait, did you text me or call me?

When we first started dating, right under his bed, there were like these little shorts, and I was like, is this a, like, soccer mom's shorts? Like, is he like— does he have a secret family? And I literally was like, whose shorts are these He's like, "Mine, they're from Ireland." Finally, also, people are putting multiple captions on their Instagram photos. Have you seen this? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? I'm stressing out. I'm stressing out. It's like homework.

So glad you brought that up because like, stop. No, like, truly stop. Wait, you're telling me you're putting— you're doing a dump of 18 photos with 18 different The anxiety it took me to even post this dump and think of one caption. You want me to think of one?

The anxiety of making sure I didn't accidentally go horizontal. But that's— didn't we used to do that with Facebook albums where you'd comment under every photo that you posted? Do you remember that? You'd be like, Stephanie lost in beer pong, LOL.

Wait, that's like a real caption I had. Yeah, Stephanie never lost though.

Stephanie's really good. Also the stuff people would put from— you go to a party and you'd get papped basically the entire time by random friends. By ourselves!

I literally papped each other.

And then you'd have the worst photos of you, maybe people making out, doing illegal things, and I'm like, you just posted that on the Facebook album.

And we were high and we were not cringe. And we like— do you remember like when people got drunk for the first like Yeah, when people were getting drunk for the first time, there was an inevitable crash out. Like, if you're drunk for the first time, you have to at some point crash.

That was scary. Oh, I was scared.

Everyone was scared. And I just feel like I— oh, I, I feel like the kids aren't doing that these days. Well, it's definitely not being recorded.

I mean, it is on a digital camera, but it gets Deleted. We used to not even look through it. You just took the chip, put it in, and press post.

Yeah, but they have it way worse than us. Like, literally everything they do gets recorded. And so to think that, like, some of those nights when you're, like, a senior in high school would be— yeah, I actually can't.

That actually makes me scared. No. Yeah, but we were talking about, like, when our kids— one day people are like, what if your kid finds out you did reality TV? I said, good, they should learn about history. They should learn about betrayal. They should learn about storylines and they should learn about character development, development and growth and non-growth.

Was it you that I was just talking to this about? I was just talking about this to someone and I was like, I used to be like, oh my God, I would be like kind of like not ashamed, but like, no, you're gonna sit my child down and be like, and after World War II there was Summer House. And now I'm gonna sit and I'm gonna be like, look at this man. Look at his face on the screen. If anyone ever says these words to you, if anyone speaks to you like that, this is what I want. You see Mommy's stance here? You gotta stay firmly planted, two feet.

Do you see how my finger goes right into his face?

And that's going into his soul, okay?

And he's gonna wake up, um, in his 60s and that's still gonna be repeating in his head. He's never gonna find peace. And that was our lesson for today. Um, thank you guys for giggling with us. Have an incredible, beautiful week. Do it! And we'll talk to you later. Bye!