Transcript of Giggling about gauchos, grudges, and getting jumped

Sup, gigglers?

Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

Okay, I've been getting messages saying, Hannah, how could you not say ganglion gigglers?

I did 2 episodes ago and it's gone. I don't— I'm off that. That was So last week we did a memoriam. Mercury in retrograde, I have other things happening.

We did a memoriam called In the Arms of Angels. I was singing that all over the house and Des was like, I'm gonna divorce you.

Yeah, it's depressing because you can't help but think of the dog commercial and it's just like, no, how do they make the dogs cry in the commercial?

I was like, did you put eye drops in that dog? I don't think dogs actually cry.

I feel like they do.

Oh, I can't think about it. Oh, I cannot.

Okay, then let's start. Let's start the week off with something that pissed me off. Yes, because that always makes you happy.

Yeah, that brings me joy.

It's simple, it's small, it's nothing to lose your head about.

Those are the best ones.

It's just something that I'm like, this is stupid and I hate it and it's pissing me off. What is the new thing with influencers on Instagram posting an outfit and then saying, comment post and I'll DM you the link? Who the fuck put you in charge?

It makes me feel like we're in class.

I'm like, first of all, I'm not even following you, so don't yell at me on my feed and tell me to do something. Second of all, you've now made an enemy of me, which means I will screenshot this, put it into Google search images, find it, and buy it sans your link just to show the brand that they're getting more traffic not on your— you're pissing me off.

Well, nowadays I don't trust anything, so I'm like, are you gonna get my social security number if I, if I comment?

Also, like, I'm not subscribing to your Substack to get— subscribe to our Substack if you're not already subscribed.

Which by the way is free. We don't charge on our Substack. It's for the girls.

We don't charge. The internet is free. How dare you come in and try and monetize, or like whatever you're doing with your engagement and this tomfoolery, this trickery.

To publicly comment, that's a humiliation ritual.

I rather go into ChatGPT and suck up all the water just to spite you. That's how angry you've made me.

But then you look, there's like 400 comments and I'm like—

I see people I know.

I go, guys, guys, have some kudos.

I'm like, don't do that.

But it is kind of gatekeepy too. It's gatekeepy to be like, you have to jump over this wire and trip over this banana peel in order to get—

In the same vein, if I see one more goddamn video —of someone catching their boyfriend cheating to find out it's an ad. All— I've gotten bested.

I'm obsessed with your algorithm. I haven't seen one of those videos.

I'm like, wait a second, I thought we were pulling up to this side bitch's house. And then you're gonna throw a hashtag ad at the bottom of the—

Cheating 20 if you want this new toothpaste.

No, I'm livid. I'm livid about it. I've gone into part 2s.

Well, also now there's these AI ads of like making up dramas, and I keep being like, not interested, not interested. Oh, I'm very interested in those.

Tell me why I find myself watching like an AI— no, like full story. No, you're not supporting real actors. No, I know, but they're so compelling. Robot love is love too. I was born in the wrong time because like, I'm sorry, I know that I fight against the patriarchy twice a week, but if you had put me in a house with 4 kids, a cigarette and some Quaaludes and a telenovela, no, I would have thrived. I would have thrived. Okay, I, I would have been Martha Stewart before Martha Stewart. I would have been creating marijuana brownies for the other housewives midday. How do I watch this?

Like, this is Desperate Housewives, actually.

Yeah, but like, it's the time period. Yeah, it's the time period.

I also, I would have just burned the house down and then been like, calls, called the crazy, the crazy wife. Yeah.

What would your character have been?

Ooh, I love this game. I would have been like, well, also your husband would have been secretly gay. For sure.

For sure. It would have been like the best looking couple on the block. Yes.

But like, you never touched each other. He goes on a fishing trip every weekend. Every weekend. Same one guy. I'm like, it's like, okay, you and Don again. How many fishing trips do you need?

You've brought home zero fish. You've brought— literally, the cooler is empty every Sunday. But I would have, like, I would have gone with it. You want to know why I would have gone with it? Because it wouldn't have been accepted, so I would have covered for him.

Yes, and then you would have been like, it's us against the world. Yeah, although other women are jealous of me because of my amazing recipe of ravioli.

People wouldn't talk about my lemonade. That's how like in this bitch I'd be.

I would have been trying to do town hall meetings, trying to start a women's suffrage movement.

Yeah, you'd start like a neighborhood watch.

And finally some of the girls would be like, you know what, we actually don't want this and we need to get Hannah out. Yeah. And then I would be like, okay, well I have nowhere to go.

I feel like you'd like come over to my house and be like, are you high? And I'd be like, are you not? How are you dealing with 4 kids?

No, I would come over to your house, make a plan for us to over take the suburban patriarchy and you would agree because you're high, and then the morning you'd be like, who's my number?

Okay, another thing that pissed me off—

you said there was one. I like when you under-promise, over-deliver, because when you say you have 5, you can never live up to it.

Well, again, I've been up for hours, I'm 2 coffees deep, I worked out, I like— I'm getting a I'm getting going on my Monday because I had a reset weekend all weekend.

Yeah, wait, what pissed you off?

I don't want you to forget. Somebody DM'd me and was like, if you thought Love Island this season was like a hint of red pill, you have to watch the newest season of Married at First Sight. This is one you could get into. This is one you could get into because it's it's so outlandish that you're like, oh, casting was given a very specific type of character that they want this show to like. Is it religious? It's not so much religious that it is controlling 101. Like, it is like, there was a friend, actually, it was so crazy that it was funny. Like, like I found myself laughing at so many different parts because I was like, surely this guy is like playing a character and seeing if he can like get away with it on TV. Very innocently, one of the guy that was, is supposed to get married, one of his friends just casually says, oh my God, like what if she's not into sports? Which is a concern of mine. So I found it relatable. My ears perk up. I look up from my phone.

I look up from my phone. It's a great phone show.

And he goes— the guy goes, not a problem, I've trained some of the world's best athletes.

He's not a trainer. There's— wait, is he talking about what if she's like not good at playing sports herself?

No, like his friend was like, what if she's not interested in like doing all the insane sports you just listed? And he was like, well, if she's not, I'll train her. Okay, like, I'll just— he was like, I've trained so many great athletes. He's so scary and triggering that, like, it's not even red pill. It's like, this is, this is almost like an exception to the rule. Like, this is not the norm.

Well, it's also kind of giving gay. Like, if you want her to be so good at sports, date a football player, right? Right. Where can people watch Married at First Sight?

It's on Peacock, which is— Peacock has actually been keeping me very fed. I just watched this other show, you would hate it, it's a period piece, it's called like Seeking Persephone. Yeah, you would hate it, you would literally hate it. It was just like a little 4-part, 4-part little ditty, nothing, nothing really. Did you just say ditty? Yeah, nothing really that groundbreaking, but I love a period piece. Wait, speaking of—

I love a sama, I love a horse, I love a period piece. Speaking of groundbreaking, it's been years. Yeah, it's been decades. We finally— oh, we finally put out merch.

Merch. What has been keeping us?

Okay, we've gone through a lot throughout the years with merch. We've had many different— we've had a lot of change, changes and stages and vibes, and We're also very picky when it comes to merch. We both love everything. We brought back some— we listened to the comments a lot. So when you guys are like, we need to bring this back.

I loved everything so much I brought it to Italy, lost it in Italy. Oh my God. Found it when I unpacked because I put it in a secret compartment to not forget it and I forgot it. I hate when you're too smart for your own good. I know.

Yeah, I know. You became a CIA agent in that moment when you were packing, and then you were— well, you also were dehydrated and fighting for your life at the time. You couldn't find a small compartment. But also, maybe we don't need so many compartments when we're packing, Paige.

Well, I love a— I love a—

I love a compartment. I love a pouch.

I love a little pouch. I love a packing cube. No, I love a thing inside of a thing.

Speaking of Housewives, I cannot stop listening to, um, gorgeous baby, gorgeous, your energy is magic, magic. And then people were making fun of her because she was like, if you listen to the lyrics, it's really helping people. And people were like writing the lyrics, they're like, that's helping people. I'm like, don't judge what helps people, don't judge it.

Being a pop star, of any magnitude, I envy so much. It's something that like I personally know that it's not like I could never do. I'm not getting up and singing anywhere, but like in my head, like every girl, have I dreamt of like commanding a stage and being a pop star? I think there's a lot of professions that Bravo people have like crossed over into and like excelled. Comedy, writing, acting, you know, all the things. We haven't gotten like a legit pop star yet.

But look, we've had Erika Jayne.

Yes, but I'm talking Sabrina Carpenter level, like something where people are like, she was on Bravo.

Bite your fucking tongue. Luann de Lesseps.

Oh, I thought you were gonna say my lord and savior Sheena Shay. Oh my lord, sheena shay! I'm saying Sheena Shay is the closest thing we've had so far. I'm talking pop star who goes on tour. Yeah, yeah. Melissa Gorga, a banger of a song, but then she never did any anymore. Yes, yeah, yeah. So I'm waiting. It has, it has to be someone from like, it has to be a young—

it might be Next Gen.

Maybe it's Brooks, and I'd love to see it.

No, I feel like he's too, he's too quiet, laid back. Chill. He doesn't want to be dancing on stage. Well, Meredith is like DJing, right? I feel like she's doing a really good job.

This is gonna sound like narcissistic and like I need like real moms to weigh in. Do you ever like sit and think like what's your child going to accomplish?

Yeah, I just fear that she's gonna be haunted like me by, um, never-ending expectations and pressure.

And do you want to know what my mom says to that? She says if you have no expectations, that's exactly what you get. If you have high expectations. That's what your child will do. My Lord and Savior Kim DeSorbo.

And so I like—

the closer and closer I get to like being someone's mother and like not someone's child, I fear that I'm gonna be psychotic.

Well, my one piece of advice as someone who had parents like your parents, who I think we have been able to chase a lot of dreams because our parents at no point gawked at any idea we threw at them Great use of gawk. Gawk. They like— like, I was like, Mom, I want to be a comedian. She was like, she was never like, even when I was like, oh, I got it. I asked— I got asked to do a show. She was like, maybe you shouldn't, but like, I support you. Like, at no point were our parents like, maybe you don't have it in you. Never came out of Kim DeSorbo's mouth. Never came out of Gary's mouth, that's for sure.

If anything, she was like, and be the Prince of England.

Like, I don't know. But I would say if you push your kid too hard into something that they don't actually enjoy— yeah, as someone who's seen this a lot in the tennis world, like, you, you get a kid who's talented, if they fall out of love with it, they're not going to reach their potential. So you have to make sure that, like, you like it, they like it.

So whatever you're pushing them in, make sure they like it.

Or like, give them some options and see what they naturally gravitate towards, and then be psychotic with it. Be like, you fucking chose it. And then like, but I'm crazy. Like, Taylor Strecker had a kid who, I don't know, she looks kind of athletic to me. She is like, she's like 6 months old, but the way she was navigating her, I don't know. And I was, I looked at her, I said, you're like, her hand-eye coordination at this age. And I said, can I talk to you for a second? And I pulled Taylor down to the side. I said, you gotta take tennis balls, you gotta just roll it towards her.

Do you know that's so funny? Because like, you think that you can spot athletes, and I genuinely think that I can about like a certain type of talent. Are we baby agents? There's certain people I've seen over the years on the internet, met in real life, where I've in my head been like, you're gonna be huge, like you have sauce.

I feel like we both have that. Yeah, we both have this like, yeah, that person's got it. That's very interesting. But we would be such bad agents.

Wait, speaking of the tennis world, I, I must bring up Paige Lorenz and Tommy Paul's wedding. Yes, I thought one of the most gorgeous weddings I've seen on the internet in years. Wow. And explain. I thought everything was so perfectly, like, not overdone. It all flowed. It gave a very, like, preppy, old money vibe. It gave very— um, someone said it was at Nate Archibald's house in Gossip Girl, like his country home. I just thought it was beautiful. I thought her dress was gorgeous. And then, do you know Shay Sullivan on TikTok? She's blonde, maybe. I don't know what— I don't know if she was like on a season of Love Island or if she's just like a famous TikToker or whatever, but she got married too. And oh yeah, I think I saw that. I mean, she looked like a literal princess out of a story.

Okay, so you're loving what the girls are putting out right now?

I'm loving it. I'm, you know, here's the thing, the thing I don't ever get involved in wedding TikTok drama because I'm like not planning a wedding. I've never been a maid of honor. Like I'm not, I'm, I feel a little bit removed from it. So I never get like deep in the drama of it.

You were my maid of honor.

You didn't have bridesmaids. You caught my bouquet and we cheated.

It was a pre-planned bouquet toss.

That's, I did steal the photographer at one point.

So my whole album is you. My wedding day.

But the girls get torn apart, torn apart. And I'm not talking like third-party anonymous forums, I'm talking right in their comments. Why would you do your hair like that? Like, it's such an interesting, like, realm to watch because it's truly such a good example of, like, women just hating on women. Girl crime. You can't describe your wedding as timeless because then it's— then you're stupid. You can't— you can't say that you're different from other weddings because who are you to think that you're It's very, it's very accusatory.

It's scary. I'm so annoyed that you're telling me this because I was about to say on my feed, one thing I liked about Paige's wedding is that I feel like a lot of the— say what you want about New York City influencers— they have each other's back. Like, they were posting, grid posting, how fucking beautiful is my friend's wedding. And in that moment, I felt a real sense of love and community. And I'm like, girls need to uplift other girls because it just makes us all stronger and powerful. Like, when men get successful, they all just form like, like these like crews and then just like continue to grow. Where I feel like women, someone gets successful and they're like, try to like batter down.

I agree. I feel like I see them on Instagram and I'm like, yeah, like they're being nice to each other because you guys are so mean to them.

But that is like the patriarchy is we talk about all the time and we say we're angry at the men, but at some point we have to learn from the men and how they support each other. And I mean, Giggly Squad is two girls supporting each other. We wouldn't be here without each other.

Yeah. Why did my head just go, two girls, one cup?

And that's why we haven't overcome the patriarchy. Wait, turn on the cup. Showing my— literally ruined my childhood.

No. Truly, that was a millennial, like, why did we do that?

Wait, I have to add that to my bit about why millennials have TMJ. MySpace Top 8, Two Girls One Cup. Why was that put into the mainstream?

No, because why was everyone passing it around and why was there no— 6th grade.

You know, I never watched it because I'm a pussy. Oh, you're such a— I never watched it. I'm a prude, baby. I said I refuse to watch that. No, that's So you— because actually, at the end of the day, I'm saintly. Like, that's why Kim likes me, because I'm prude and safe.

I remember watching it being like, this is bad, I shouldn't be watching it. But I was like, obviously I need to see what everyone's talking about for my own opinion.

I had so much fun last night. Oh, sorry, segue. It seems like a weird segue because Well, okay, so I went to this sushi place and there was a giggler who worked there. Actually, there is kind of a segue. And I was like, how— like, what's your favorite sushi? And she was like, oh, I don't eat sushi. But she works at the place. I was like, that's iconic. But like, at least if I worked at a sushi place, I would have mercury poisoning. She's like, eat this food.

Gross. No, but I was like, okay.

And she goes, no, I just have a really big fear of throwing up. Not me. And I was like, okay, but I guess she's heard like if you get sushi poisoning, you throw up. So she's like, I'm not risking that.

Oh, like there's more scenarios in which you could get food poisoning from raw fish than other.

I mean, I think she's at the point where she has like a phobia where she's not like critically figuring it out. She's just like, I don't fuck with that, you know?

Yeah, she's keeping her walls up. She's protecting herself.

That's how I felt about Two Girls, One Cup. I was like, I'm not trying to throw up today. Also, it was fake, right? I don't, I don't think so.

If you don't know what Two Girls One Cup is, we're certainly not going to explain it on this pod because it, it was a— it's a personal situation.

It must exist on the internet somewhere.

Definitely exists somewhere. It was a video that went rampant in the year— what, what year was that? 2006? 2006, everyone was talking about it. Could have even been younger.

It shaped us, our psyches.

Now that the internet is so vast and there's so many videos and so many trends, I feel like generations— like, there were certain things as a whole, as a generation, you heard and you knew. Are there things like that? Well, this is what's crazy, and I could list them. Sierra is a man. Two Girls One Cup.

The guy who sucks his own dick. The guy that sucks his—

took his ribs out, sucked his own dick.

Yep. This is— this was our pirate story, our lore. I think there's another one. There's definitely— but this is the thing, they have it now, but Two Girls One Cup, for example, that would have been viral for 4 days. Yeah. And everyone would have moved on. It's like movies. Do you remember when like a movie would come out, like like Inception. When Inception came out, everyone was like talking about it for like 4 months.

Like The Devil Wears Prada 2, done, done. It felt like that was so quick. It was like, it's the premiere and now it's like we don't care.

Like when a movie would come out, like when Pokémon the movie came out, that was a— I was celebrating for a year.

Rugrats on an orange VHS, you got me fucked up. Why wasn't everyone doing colored VHS? I remember getting that VHS and being like So the branding everywhere else just doesn't give a fuck.

You know the high you would get? Like we had— we loved watching Power Rangers.

I didn't like— I would watch it, but I didn't get like high off of Power Rangers.

But like some of the Power Rangers were hot.

Yeah, but it was a lot of action for me. Like I was like, okay, take like, take a seat. True. It wasn't my vibe.

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Side note, I had like— I was really enjoying the World Cup because the guys are so hot, and then the guy I was getting a crush on um, at the end strangled someone. Sorry, I love a bad boy.

That is like— you actually went through the perfect span of time with dating. Like, it started what, 4 months ago? Yep. That you first saw him. You didn't really get to know him till the last like 2 months. And then like when you're in it, you're like— and everyone loves you. Everyone— I've introduced you to all my friends. Like It's amazing. We're definitely going to start like fully dating. He choked someone.

I like, open my phone and I was like, oh, my man's a little emotional right now. And then I'm like, oh, he's choking a man to death. So I'm not proud of his actions and like, we have to have a talk. Yeah, because it can't continue like this. I saw a headline. It was like, man choked someone. I'm like, not my crush.

Not my crush on the field. Yeah. Or like in the wild in life. No, fully.

Like the game's over. Took his hand to the guy's neck and like shook him. Yeah, yeah.

No, the bar is so low. Could you imagine?

Oh, also, uh, you know I love Justin Bieber. Yeah, it's just with great power comes great responsibility. Justin Bieber, for the halftime show of the World Cup, decided to just show up with a guitar.

We cannot enable men to just take a guitar places, to show up outside of their own home in which they pay taxes.

I don't want you showing up in your own home with a guitar.

Yeah, no, I know, but—

and I know these men saw that and were like, I could do that.

And you have to stay alert because in the summer there's a lot of random bonfires that happen in people's backyards, and that's almost like a silent call to them. They think there's something about the fire. It's because it's the devil.

And so the devil's summoning evil spirits. And now with ChatGPT, you know, they're putting together, trying to impress you with some song made by robots.

And we're not haters of music, but like, take out a JBL portable speaker— they sell them everywhere, all shapes and sizes—

put on We Write at Dawn Spotify playlist, Angry Woman playlist on Spotify, and let it run. I don't need a live performance.

Performance while I'm trying to just enjoy a hot dog.

Also, I don't know where to look when they're singing. I'm like, do you want me to make eye contact with you? Do you want to look away? Am I supposed to be smiling? I don't know what to do with my hands. It's really worse than people singing happy birthday to me.

Um, this is so off track, but I just thought of it and it's so Hannah-coded. I've been like— I think it's because in Italy they don't really like believe in breakfast. Like, they have like a sweet breakfast and you and I love a sweet, but like you truly can't do it every single day. And they're not big on eggs, which I just find surprising. But whatever, I'm not going to debate the whole country on their breakfast practices. Who am I? Wait, they love a frittata. They don't really though. Like from going to Italy for 5 years now, like I will say they don't want to work.

They don't want to do things. They don't want to wake up early.

They definitely don't want to wake up early. Yeah. And they don't wanna change. And who am I to make them change?

But that's why they like making breads, because you can make that like—

and they're all about like simple dishes are simple and it's a couple ingredients. But anyway, they could, they could be doing scrambled eggs like so well, I feel like, and they're just like not. But recently I have been putting cottage cheese in my scrambled eggs like whisking it together. And then, Hannah, it— I'll never go back to like cream or milk or anything.

Wait, someone messaged me that and I was like, how the fuck did I not think of that? Woman of the Week. Yeah, putting cottage cheese in your eggs because it's protein. Cheese. Yep. And you could get— you could use lactaid dairy-free cottage cheese if you want to get real careful.

Do you want to know what else I've been fucking with heavy? Making my own overnight oats solely because I like the little containers that you do. Okay, now it's giving tradwife.

No, it's— no, do you put a little like, like what are those?

Yes, napkins over it. No, yes, I've been making them cute as fuck.

You know, you could charge them $20 at a farmer's market.

Unscrewing them, grabbing a spoon that's mini as well because it matches the cup, and giving it to a man. And I want to kill myself.

There is something like fun about it. You feel like you're conning him when you do it because you're like, I put a fucking napkin and I tied it around a jar and you're like getting off to this.

Sometimes I'll do a trad wifey thing and I'll get mad at myself because I'm like, why can't I weaponize my own incompetence?

Well, you have to talk to me. I tried to make coffee in the morning. He's like, you're not— this is not the right ratio. I'm like, oh no.

I'm like, the taco seasoning doesn't go in yet. You have to give it a minute.

Oh my God. Wait, so Des— okay, one thing about our marriage. Yeah, he thinks it's like scientific, like he has like a disease. I think he just needs to grow up. Okay. He hates garlic. Grow up. Grow up. I come from an Italian family. He goes, oh yeah, I don't like garlic. I was like, oh, that's literally birthed me. I was birthed from a garlic clove.

Sorry, my perfume is garlic. I brush my teeth with it.

I was like, what? No, so he was like, no, it's just like a family thing. Like, my brothers don't like it, my mom doesn't like it. And I was like, then why would you fucking marry an Italian? Because this is like in my veins. A family of freaks. So my mom gave us cucumbers from her garden because she's perfect, of course. And we made these like— okay, this is turning into Bobby Flay, be Bobby Flay. We got like pre-marinated skirt steaks. Hot take: skirt steak is the most underrated, best steak out there. I digress. And it's affordable.

I love thinking about it wearing a skirt. Like, I'm like, oh, that's what you love, a skirt steak? I'm like, tube top, center cut, like, doesn't flow as well.

Skirt steaks are the drag of steaks. The drag queens of steaks.

Do you think of like some burly man who just like killed a cow and he was like, call this piece a skirt? Like, okay, yeah, I love it with a ruffle.

Sure. Pencil. So it's like a cumin skirt steak, and I was like, oh my God, what if we cut up some cucumbers, put in some Greek yogurt, and made like a little— no, I know, made a little tzatziki. No, literally. So I was feeling myself, and then you have to season it, and I— of course. So I see that we have like salt, pepper, garlic powder. I'm like, I know he hates garlic, but I'm like, I'm going to throw on some fucking garlic, right?

Nobody can tell a garlic powder.

This is me and Des having a wild night. Yeah. And my only job was to make this salad. So of course I like try to poison my husband. Yeah. Like he's doing everything else. He's like, just make the salad. I'm like, okay.

He takes one bite, he goes, oh, you can taste it that much. He was like, how much garlic did you put in that?

I was like, I didn't put— first I tried to lie. I was like, I didn't put You're like, none. And I'm like, oh, maybe there was like a little bit. And he's like, this is all garlic. I had to make a separate one for him without the garlic powder.

Oh, I wish I could have tasted it.

It was so good. It wasn't a lot of garlic. It was enough to just give it some je ne sais quoi.

You don't have to tell me, girl.

By the way, this is also marriage. I'm looking at the last text I sent Des yesterday. This is so marriage. It must have been at like 10:30. I just texted him. Why is the door keep opening and closing?

He comes in, he goes, why do you keep breathing in and out?

He's like, sorry, I was going outside and I came back in. I go, well, it's a lot of doors moving. I'm just trying to watch TV. Why are people moving?

When I was little, when I was younger, I only like, I only paid attention when it was things that like perked my interest. Like, so they— I would have specific words. Like, skirt steak is a great example. Like, that would have piqued my interest. And when someone would come in and out of the house repeatedly, my grandma would always say, it's Crossgates Mall in here. Which is like our local—

that's literally what was happening. I mean, it was like maybe 5 door slams that I was like, okay.

I say it to this day.

I'm like, what is it? Crossgates Mall. Also, it's me and him in the house. I'm like, how many people are frolicking around? Yeah, that's like whenever we couldn't like open a door or something. My dad's always like, it's like getting into Fort Knox.

Well, that's like a common one. Oh, that's like a—

you're like, okay, that's—

I fear that is like—

but like, what is Fort Knox?

Fort Knox is like a military base that's like like a lot of security.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, they said actually on Rhode Island, someone's like, it's like getting into Fort Knox. And I was like, oh my God, my grandpa says that. Speaking of old people, I love learning things from reality TV. That's the only way I learn. So at the sushi restaurant.

Oh yeah, we forgot about this.

I sat next to the most iconic older lady to the point that I was like, I need to be her. Like, I need to be in her body and be her. I find out she's, she's so glamorous. She's sitting there, she tells the sushi guy like all the things she doesn't eat, which was like kind of like every fish. And he was like, gotcha. And he like was making her shit and she's just sitting there and she was telling me places to travel. And then I was like, where are you from?

Like, how old? Like 80s?

Mm-hmm. Okay. I said, where are you from? She was like, Brooklyn.

Maybe you met yourself in the future.

No, I was like, Wait, I'm from Brooklyn. And she's like, where are you from? Like, Park Slope. And she's like, I'm from Flatbush. And she's like, all these people want to move to Brooklyn. I want to get the fuck out of Brooklyn. She's talking about it. And then she goes, you know who I went to high school with? Judge Judy. So then I'm locked in. Then I'm not even eating my sushi at this point. I said, wait a minute, you're gonna have to tell me everything because everything I'm obsessed with Judge Judy, and she was like, you know, one night she got too drunk, so we jumped her.

It's always some bitch from high school. Like, you're 80, get over it. It's always because, you know, a hater who's ever been stunning, has their bag, has never hated on me. But like, some old bitch is still going to hate on Judy.

No, so then I took— Des is like, what are you talking about? I'm like, you are gonna— you can never guess. This bitch jumped Judge Judy in high school.

Imagine that's Judge Judy's origin story. She's like, and I'll stand for justice the rest of my life.

And that's where I put down the mallet. Also, why did she say why they jumped? Well, she said if you get too drunk and you're embarrassing yourself, you're gonna get jumped. And I said, that's why people back then had character, because nowadays people just go behind usernames and talk shit. Jump someone's ass and let them know where you stand and fight it out. Also, I was like, Judge Judy. And then we didn't— there was no follow-up. I was like, okay.

And then we just enjoyed them. Oh my God.

But like, this is why I fuck with old people. Yeah, you're not gonna be sitting next to like a 24-year-old and they're gonna have that kind of lore.

Jumping Judge Judy is a cr— it's also a crazy thing to like in the first meet, the first 4 minutes of meeting someone, like saying that.

Also, also jump saying jumping someone, that's so— people don't do that anymore, especially at 80 years old.

Also going to school with someone who becomes I'm talking like A-list. Like, would you say Judge Judy's A-list?

I was. Yes, yes. She's— anyone in the world knows who Judge Judy is.

I feel like everyone knows who Judge Judy is.

Does anyone know her last name? No, but neither— no one knows Cher's. Oh yeah, I was just gonna say Madonna.

Like, it's been done before. Thinking about like, but I'm sure there's people that hated Judge Judy like growing up. There's— she's a human. Like, she obviously had people she didn't get along with. But I always wonder what it's like going to school and like disliking someone and then seeing them become like, shh. Like, I'm sure there were people in high school with Kim Kardashian that was like, I hate you. Like, Kim, you're never gonna be famous. Like things like that. I just always love that lore.

There always is. Cuz like you don't try to be that famous unless someone's pissed you off. Yeah. Yeah, because it's too much work.

Remember when Lady Gaga said that someone made like a Facebook group that was like, Stephanie, you will never be famous?

But that's because they saw something in her.

Girls are so diabolical when they're mad.

Can we declare no more girl-on-girl crime, please? Next time you want to say something bad about another girl, say something bad about a man. Let's just start with that. Well, I got on, of course, this like algorithm where this girl was like, imagine if we said we want to start taking away men's rights because they're the most, um, 98% of violence is coming from them and we just don't think they should have rights and they shouldn't vote.

I saw a TikTok and it was a girl posting and it was like her face and it was like her looking beautiful and the caption was just like this and like hitting him in the face and like, and the comments were all girls being like, hahaha, and some guy commented and was like, 'Okay, but like, wouldn't be cool if we posted that?' And it— and everyone like replying to him was like, 'You murder us.' Yeah, like, it's only funny to girls because they don't do it. And it was just an interesting—

it's— I was— someone was saying like, girls don't— like, statistically, girls don't murder. Like, that's not our thing. Well, because we can control our emotions, but we also can like will like emotionally like terrorize you, put it into needlepoint. Yes, but we will not murder. But they said the only time it's murder, like pretty much 100% of the time murder— I love putting out stats— is based on like we've been abused for years and it's reactive abuse.

There's not a lot of crime of passion with women. It's more— the crimes of passion are more with men, but there's obviously definitely crimes of passion.

But then what's weird about men is like My man like strangled some guy yesterday, and I swear they're probably getting beers today, which like, that has to be studied. They have a low IQ. Well, the headers that they do in soccer, that's— no one's talking about CTE with that. And you want to know something else I don't respect men for?

I think that they have a hard time holding a grudge. And I actually think— see, I see holding a grudge as something really, um You gotta have gumption, you know. You gotta have ambition to hold a grudge. You have to believe in something, and it's your daily work. Yeah, hold a grudge.

You have to make a decision every day that you're gonna hold that grudge and stick to it.

And that's discipline.

If you can't hold a grudge, how can you hold a relationship?

How can I trust you? There's not a person that you've hated for years? I can't trust you.

Every now and then you do forget something though, but it's because you have so— you have so many grudges, you actually have like too many things going on. And then you— but then you jump right back on.

Yeah, once you remember, once someone reminds me of what that bitch did, I'm right back in the moment.

Lowkey, I am so proud of myself though, like, because it's starting to happen with me where you're like, do you remember when this person did this to you? And you forgetting that someone did something like horrible to try to ruin your life is such a win. Like, that person is so like small in your life that you forgot when you were the center of their existence to try to take you down, and you literally forgot.

That they did that. Sometimes I have to limit my phone calls with Stephanie because she'll tell me things from high school and like, I'll bring someone up and she'll be like, "Paige, that person hates you." And I'm like, "I don't recall." And she'll walk me through a whole story. I'm like, "Well, I gotta go." Like, that's traumatizing. I went through that. She's like, "Yeah, you were right there." Like, no. Oh God. Anyway.

Also, I had a really cute date with my mom. But I just— we got pedicures.

She said she, she was priming your feet for the next time you see each other.

But I have to say, my mom is so old school when it comes to pedicures. She comes in and the lady's like, do you want regular gel? Did she bring her own color?

No, that's horrible. I was gonna say, I could feel Lenore being like, that's what Nana would do. Yeah, Nana was like, I got the perfect one. You use that.

That's what Nana would do.

Yeah, but, um My mom goes, Nana's is like discontinued, but she ordered like 100 bottles.

That's how she is with her lip stain that she reapplies after every time she chews.

She's got like a Givenchy from 1987.

It's a shade that I've never seen before and it only works on her face.

It has like poisonous berries. That's why they don't make it anymore. It's like not FDA approved. No. 1992, they ruled it illegal.

It's been banned in Canada for sure.

For sure.

There's red dye 40. There's red dye 40, you can guarantee that. So my mom was like— I'm like, we'll take gel. And she goes, well, I don't do gel. I'm like, Mom, gel will last like, like a year on you. And she's like, but it causes cancer. And I was like, Mom, let's be fucking crazy today and just get gel, okay? And she's like, okay, cool. So we get there and immediately I'm pressing the buttons like I'm fucking getting my— look over. I'm like, Mom, press the— press the massage thing. Get the massage going. I don't— she was like, I mean, okay. I'm like, that's the whole point of it. Yeah, it's getting the back massage. I have to focus. I'm on my phone though. I'm fucking— I'm sending emails, I'm texting, I'm like doing whatever the fuck I am on my phone, listening to music, whatever. Bitch is raw dogging her pedicure, just staring straight forward. And that complete peace, like, not weird. She's just enjoying the moment. And then I realize I'm being— I thought she was on her phone. I realize I'm on my phone. Then I put it down and I'm like, okay, I guess we can talk.

But I'm like, yeah, she didn't even consider taking out her phone.

Didn't even think of that.

The good old days. You used to just get pedicures.

Now I have like a to-do list when I'm getting a pedicure. I'm like, great, I'll knock this out while I'm getting a pedicure.

Listen to 7 audiobooks. Back then, what did women do when they were getting their nails done?

They talked, they gossiped, they gossiped, they talked to their like technician, they went at the same time as their friends, they sat, they had a key— they had community. When I'm getting my nails done, I can't be on my phone. Because you're getting your nails done. How are you?

I try to watch the Tennis Channel from my phone. I watch TV, but also I try to avoid getting my nails done at all costs. I know you do.

And these guys are not good, but no one ever calls you out. Like, I literally had to come home, get my nails done immediately. Wait, you're so jealous of me right now. Well, because your nails like last so long.

No, it's because people have low expectations for me, Paige. Except, can we just say a lot of comments saying, "Hannah, can you clean your screen? Hannah, can you clean your screen?" I think it's more the glare from the sun. No, I cleaned it for this. Oh God. But guys, can someone not have an aesthetic? Can it not be?

Sorry that that's your vibe.

That's like my vibe.

Also, vibe is might have just had a grilled cheese sandwich. You don't know. You don't know my life.

Why are you dressing like me right now? Yeah, I know.

I just put my hair up and I was like, it's giving soccer team.

No, but you know I love a polo. Like a— A grandpa polo.

I've been loving them this summer because they're just like easy with like sweat shorts. Yes, like for lounging.

But like, what if she goes on a walk, you know? I'm obsessed with a culotte for summer because I don't want to wear tight capris and I don't want to wear long and I don't want to wear too short. There's something about a wide long capri that I'm like digging with a little kitten heel.

In the year 2005, I first saw a pair of gaucho pants, and let me tell you, my life had been changed ever since. I think about gaucho pants once, once a year, in a good or bad way.

You—

did you wear gaucho pants? Because they would have been so you. They were like stretchy yoga material capris that were like a bit— yeah.

They were at Limited Too. I wore them.

They had a fold over. They were everything to me. And I feel because capris have come back so strongly in the past like 2 years, gaucho pants are on the horizon. And I'm hoping, I'm hoping, I'm hoping, I'm hoping that there— it's like 2 years down the line, 3 years down the line, and we're pregnant for it. Oh, because honey, we'd be living if gaucho pants were in style when we were popping out kids. Oh my God.

Yeah, also, womanist stem of the week. This girl invented a jacket bag. Wait, did you see this?

No, but congratulations to her. Wait, I ordered a romper and a pair of leggings that are supposed to like help your digestive system.

Well, I also ordered a vibration plate yesterday, so you're a little bit late on the mark, but Des was like, what the hell is this?

The brand is called C.E.A.N. Lymphatic Compression Leggings.

Are you gonna wear it on— I'm gonna see. Are you gonna wear it on planes or like on your daily—

I was gonna wear it on a walk and just like see. Okay. And then figure it out. Okay.

At some point we can— we can't squeeze out every drainage of—

at some point talk therapy is necessary.

At some point, come in and lock back in. At some point, put your phone down.

The constant need to improve is exhausting. It's overwhelming.

But this girl, basically, one of my— it really brought me back. Do you remember when you'd go to a bar and it was really cold out and you were like, I have to wear a jacket? Yeah. And then you get to the bar and you put your jacket down and you go, there's a 50/50 chance that I'm ever gonna see this jacket again, and then you live your life. No.

Oh no, because that jacket is my world. That's my life. You would wear the jacket at the bar? No, I would carry it around with me because I'd rather die at the thought of this jacket going home to someone else's apartment, not being cared for, not being loved. Oh yeah, I forgot. Essentially being kidnapped.

I forgot how you feel so connected to inanimate objects. See, I had the same winter jacket for like 10 years. I was Someone please take my jacket.

And like, if I forgot it or someone took mine instead of theirs, I would be like—

Yeah, you'd call 911.

Yeah, I'd be really upset. I'd have to go replace the jacket immediately.

No, I'd see a pile of jackets, I'd put mine like under the pile, and then you pray, and then you just go off on your night. And then at the end of the night, it's chaos.

I do a secret hiding spot if I was like somewhere that like I had to put it down, put it in the kitchen or something, or like make friends with the bartender and be like, I'm not putting it in the pile of other jackets. But my jacket was gross.

Or we would do no jackets and I would just dress with like a belt as a skirt and a top full of hope and then just like get pneumonia and go.

We were tougher. We had our— we had better immune systems, were stronger. We hadn't lived through COVID-19. Like, we had dreams. We had 100%. We were full of life. We were full of blood. She got half my eggs gone. Like, I can't keep internal heat anymore. How would I do that?

You could just poop on demand, Bex. Yeah, are you kidding? So this girl invented this jacket that you go to the bar in your jacket. And then the jacket folds into, I swear, a really cute bag. And then you just like put your stuff in it.

Where's your stuff while you're wearing the jacket?

You can have it in a purse and the purse goes in that because it's like not like a tiny— it doesn't turn into a tiny purse.

It's more like— I'm intrigued.

A bigger purse. It's, it's real. It's cute to the point that it's like, I'd rather hold that than my jacket all night.

Like, I really would have thought that like ballet flats that ballet flats, but like sandals that turn into heels would have been like more of a thing. I thought there would be more like innovation and technology in certain—

like, for sure. Well, all of us were like, wouldn't it be crazy if like your heel could turn into— like, I want like robotic, like, and it goes up. But, um, this— the Spanx lady who's iconic created the sneaker heel. Yeah, let's be serious though, but But that's not your brand. Um, maybe one day, maybe one day we won't— we'll invent a tampon that isn't just a cotton ball shoved up your pussy. But sorry for saying pussy, I know you hate that. Sometimes it's just inappropriate.

Sometimes it's just harsh on my ears, you know? But that's my internalized misogyny. Like, I can't hear the word pussy.

I actually said pussy multiple times this episode.

Yeah, somebody DM'd me and they said I— that over the weekend they said to a man 'Can you take the dick out of your mouth?' She was like, and I'm not gonna lie, it hit so hard.

People were like, 'What?' I was talking to two people yesterday trying to explain how I couldn't speak in the beginning of The Massacre. Yeah. And it took all of me to not say I sounded like I had a dick in my mouth because it's really the most accurate depiction of it.

Yeah, we couldn't get closer. But it wasn't—

I didn't know these people well enough to say that, so I said marbles. But in my head I'm like, marbles doesn't do justice. It's a disc. It's fully like I can't like this. I can't like this.

I think that's—

I think that's— I think we've done our job. I think we're done here. I think we need to go home. Get in the car.

When I said fuck therapy, it's inevitable at this point.

Last summer I was doing EDMR therapy every single day.

And people are begging for it back. People have written in. Wait, my old makeup—

not my old makeup, my LA makeup artist who I'm obsessed with, Crystal, just tagged me in a full like, "In the arms of the angels," of my smile and all these photos of me like really happy smiling. And I— that's what I woke up to today.

Hannah, do you see that people are commenting on things that are happening in the Bravo sphere with your face? I mean, it's just like, one thing about me, you've replaced the little girl in the back seat going like that. You've replaced her.

I do have to maybe my, my favorite accomplishment of my career, cuz I love being a meme. If I can bring joy to anyone and make, make a comment that much funnier, that's what my purpose is.

You're this Gen Z's 2 Girls 1 Cup.

And that's a callback. And that's a callback. Okay, we have to get off. Stop talking. I love you.

I love you. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Get our merch.