Transcript of Lisa Gilroy is here to get silly! | Whiskey Ginger

Up, whiskey geojer fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. Subscribe it. Like it.

Leave a comment down below for the l. Go rhythm. Got a good 1 today, and I am on tour. Very excited. Right now, this very moment, I'm in New Orleans.

New Orleans, Louisiana. And then tomorrow, I'm in San Anton. And I'm taking a little bit of break for the holidays, and I'm back up at it in Yanuar, January. I'm gonna be in Chicago doing, Charleston and Durham and New York and Philly and Boston and Minneapolis and San Diego and San Francisco and Phoenix, and I'm all over the place. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.

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In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

Oh, that creature in the ginger beer.

Sturdy and ginger. Like that, the ginger gene is good.

Ginger's a pugesicle.

You want me 5

Ginger. I like gingers.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whizzy Ginger. My guest today is 1 of my favorite people on earth. I say that from my guest when I meet you once again today. It is Lisa Gilroy. Very good.

You could do that.

45 to 79.770. Sold No. They just repeat the number. They go, if it's $70 for that, then I go, 70, 70, 70, 70, 70. I don't know if it's 75.

Do I see 75? We got a 77.70. Woah.

Yeah. Can you do a 60? 66666.

I gotta see 65. 65. 65.

66666. I never heard them ever say 666.

That's why we don't employ you. That's why you're not funny.

Either. Didn't sound like 66666.

I got a C6566.

That's how they do it. Okay. That's actually that's that's pretty good.

You're welcome. Where are you from? Edmonton, Alberta. Wow.

You ever heard of it?

I've played it a million times.

You played it?

I played the West Edmonton Mall. West I

forgot you were a banjo guy. Yeah. How are the crowds?

Saying? The crowds are pretty good. The banjo scene died in, like, 97 or 98. I started in 05, 06. Oh.

So I was trying to fucking bring life back to something that was definitely not coming back around.

Do you play double string or single string?

Single. I've never been able to play double just because my my cut my nails really short.

Oh, yeah.

I don't bite them though, but I do cut them really short. So yeah. Well, you

need long on 1 side for picking and short on the other side for

And I can't grow nails on my right hand. That's the problem.

You don't have fingers on your

right hand? Well, this is all, you know, part of the illusion of the show. I played West Ed Mall, stand up at, comedy, comic, Comic strip? No. Comic strip is the other 1.

0, no. Comic strip to West Ed. Yeah.

I don't remember what it's called. I only ever went there 1 time.

What's wrong with me? I can't believe I can't remember. I do know this. I played it a 1,000 fucking times back in the day. My brain just mushed this morning because of, all the travel.

But Wait.

You just go back from Europe?

Australia. Same thing.

Woah. Down under. How was it?

I've never heard down under.

What is that?

What's that?

It means, like okay. So you know how the a world is has a top and a bottom part? So the top part's where all the snow is and everything, and the bottom part's where all the rain falls and it kinda collects and makes an ocean. So in the bottom where the ocean is, if there's any part of sand that grows a lot and is tall enough to become an island, it becomes Australia. So that's why they call it under because it's under the world on the bottom.

How was it?

Lot of water. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Yeah.

And a lot of convicts. Right? I thought Australia is where all the prisoners go.

We're not supposed to say that. Is that is that I mean, that's a little rude.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. That's a little rude. I don't know. I I just heard that.

Why don't you go back to England? Oh. Bigot? Bigot? That's what you know, that's what the frogs are actually saying.

Bigot. Bigot. That's what I thought. Take a frog around someone you can tell. That's like, you know, like, gaydar, that's their

their Yeah. But they say it all the time then how are you supposed to know when it's telling the truth.

Hey. It's kind of

like you. You lie all the time, so how are we supposed to know?

Everyone's a bigot. That's the point. Woah. Welcome to the real world, kid. Welcome to the real world, you said

to me. God will send it Lee. So why were you in Australia?

Who is that again?

I think that's Wayne Brady from,

Wayne Gretzky?

No. Wayne Brady from, whose line is it in?

From Brady Bunch. Yeah. Why was I done under? We were playing shows. And let me back it up real fast.

I have said a thousand times how much I do have a lot of love for, Austria. For Alberta Oh. Canada. I've also been to the Calgary Stampede up there in Calgary, Calgary. I do love it.

I actually did start there, seriously.

Really?

At Rick Bronson's room. Yeah. Rick and Tammy Bronson's room. There. That was, like, for the first couple of times I got to headline was, up at the West Ed Mall.

Oh, that's nice.

Did you

stay at the Fantasyland? In the

I'd never stayed at the hotel. They had condo they had a couple of condos that were down the road that most comics, when you start out, you stay at the condo because they own it. And then but I've always said this about that place, and I'm being genuine.

Okay.

The women

getting ready.

The women in I've always joked about this. The women in Alberta are shockingly beautiful. Like, no. I'm not kidding. And the men

Are atrocious.

Unbelievable. The disparity is so it honestly, it is so the gap is so big. Like, when we would go out to, like, get a drink or get something to eat, I'd be like, look at all these beautiful girls, and their boyfriends or husbands are these absolute animals. How do

you know it's not their brothers?

What's the difference?

Well, were they kissing? Yeah. Because then they were brother or sister.

Yeah. That's a weird

word away. You know how there's something I can

You know what I'm talking about, though? The women are beautiful up there.

I mean, that's great. I I I And what

is that? Agree

with you.

Why are the guys not? Maybe because they Is your dad ugly?

No. My dad's not ugly. No. My dad's also looking.

Your mom was pretty, and your dad wasn't. Just be on tell me

the truth. Well, I'll show you a picture of my dad.

Yeah. Yeah. A 100%.

And you could tell me.

And I wanna see. Can you grab me a a water?

Okay. Let me bring up his contact photo here. Dad.

Just bring up the best photo you have of your dad.

This is here. Look. I'm showing you.

Oh, no. He's a handsome cat. He is a handsome cat. Nice lettuce on him. Good smile.

Nice lettuce.

His hair.

Oh, is that lettuce?

Good lettuce. Good good good smile. Aw. I like that guy.

Yeah. He's a good guy.

Let me see your mom. Show me the factory that made you. I wanna know how the sausage was made.

I don't have a recent picture of my mom.

You can just come in. I'm sorry.

I only have

You don't have a recent photo of your mom? Do you not see do you not talk to your parents at all?

Mean, my because my Is that why

you're giving me a contact photo of your mom's joke? That's why you became an actor? There's gotta be a picture of her. I don't talk to my mommy and daddy anymore.

Oh my god. I'm shaking for my coffee. I'm so tittle jitterbugs. I can't find a picture of my mom. Isn't that bad?

Isn't that so the Alberta girl away?

I would say that's a little, unfortunate for you depending on your relationship. Are your parents still together? No. Yeah. Duh.

Yeah. Duh. Right?

That's why you're so good.

Okay. All I can find is a all I can find is an old picture, but you're gonna get so horny for this. It's Yeah. It's my mom and her 2 sisters, and they're all topless.

Pop me off. But Woah, dude. For the viewers at home Can you guess which 1 is my Charo.

Can you guess can you guess which 1 is mine?

How funny if it was 1 of these beautiful portraits, and their their tits were out in this photo would be fucking amazing.

It is for the listeners.

They are topless, but it's tasteful.

It's like a studio, like Will

you send this to me so I can show the audience? No. Why

not? Fucking freak. Give me that.

This is not a it's a p it's a Frank. It's a freaking freak. Give me that. It's a freaking freak. Give me that.

Know how I can tell?

You couldn't tell.

So You have this no. I I I can't wrong 1. So You have the same, beauty mark. She has the same thing.

No. She doesn't. You're out of your fucking mind. Shall we picture your mom so I can. Oh, sorry.

I was actually just informed before the podcast started. I'm sorry.

I'll show you my mom. You wanna see my mom, pal? Show you my fucking mom, bud. How come you get a little carpet with

your face on it, but I don't have 1 here to put my feet on?

Nobody wanted to make it. I asked if anybody wanted to make a picture of your face, and they were all, like, no thanks. Which I thought was a little rude.

So do you have that so that when people ask you, does the carpet match the drapes? You can say, yeah, photo realistic.

I have hardwood floors. Carpet in your basement? That's insane.

You have hardwood floor? Oh, so you got burned bad

Mhmm.

And things are shiny

and bad. Degree. Let me see. I'm gonna find you my mom I wanna find you a good 1 of my mom that she would approve. My parents are gotta be older than yours.

So I she wouldn't approve of she gets a little you know what I mean? Mommy gets a little insecure. Wait. So That's my mom.

So you lied to me? You lied to me?

I don't know if I should let you have my phone now. Why? You I tried to You screamed help as loud as you can like a fucking nonsensical pervert.

Yeah. Because you wouldn't give it back. You can scream help if I don't give this 1.

I don't wanna fucking scream.

Your mom is gorgeous.

I could just do it. Wait.

So you lied to me right before we started? You said you were

My parents were alive. Yeah. Oh, okay. For I mean, yeah.

There's a person seen at your front

door. Gross. I hate that. Let's see who it is. Get away.

See, you did exactly what I did.

Get away. Yeah. She's a she's my mom is a beautiful, beautiful woman. She is

a beautiful Gorgeous. Woman.

That's why,

And what about your dad? How's the like, what are we talking about? The are they both gorgeous? Yeah. Yeah.

Dot dot dot exclamation mark question

mark question mark question mark. I'm from Alberta. My dad is, a, a big tall Sicilian guy. Daddy was a big tall Sicilian guy. Yeah.

That Jim Crocey? Daddy was a big tall Sicilian guy. Oh, Mexico.

Don't know it.

James Taylor. Nope. Back it up. I've I'm a fan of yours for people that don't know who you are that are listening right now. You're, an incredible and talented sketch performer, improvver, actor, comedian, writer, an old henna artist.

I know you did henna tattoos for years years years Years. On Venice Boulevard. Yeah. And, I think the transition from doing henna to getting more in comedy is kind of that was the

Well, that's the pipeline. Right? How do that LA usually start doing henna on the Boulevard. And then

henna or you sell rap CDs. I sold rap CDs for a couple years.

Did you?

Yeah. For about 6 or 7 years. Were you just a boy? I just smack my yo yo yo yo. You like hip hop?

I would do that all over the boulevard. A

little boy on the boulevard who sings, and his I think his dad is quite mean. No.

No. Dude, he wants to sing. No. He I

don't think he wants to. Do you

live on the west side?

No. Yeah. But sometimes go

You go there.

My toe in the ocean. Do you?

I've been in Los Angeles for almost, 20 years, and, I haven't been to the beach in over 10.

We gotta go, man. No.

Thanks.

We gotta dip our toes in the sand, man. We gotta put our bikinis on and enjoy life for once. Coconuts?

Wouldn't that be good? I have 0 interest in going to the beach. These these beaches are the worst beaches. You know who you sound like? The dad

at the beginning of a Disney movie. Who doesn't like?

I have 0 interest in going to the beach.

But, Humbug, you boys go to the beach. I'll be here with my briefcase.

What ends up happening? Dad gets like a big baseball game at the beach. Why were you guys playing at the beach again, son? You couldn't play the baseball field? It's aqua baseball, dad.

We splish and splash for

a home run. And I looked for you in the sand, and you weren't there.

I'll be there next week. I promise.

Always say that. You know, mom's got a new boyfriend.

You think I don't know that? His name's Dougie, and he comes to

our games. He's our new coach.

Really? Does your mom and Dougie ever hang out after the games? Yeah. They take us for ice cream. It's the best.

And then what do you guys do?

We go home. We have family dinner. All the stuff that you said you'd do, but you were working.

After family dinner, does Dougie go home?

No. He sleeps in the bed upstairs with mom. Really?

You ever hear them building anything late at night?

I mean, sure. There's lots of bangs and booms, but that's just normal.

Like fireworks or like

Because it's called Dougie's old thunder lightning,

and

it shakes the house. It's awesome, dad. You should come over sometime and see it.

Maybe I should. Dad's a cuck on Disney. Just me standing in the corner watching them? Go, Doug. Go.

Cucks are what they call Canadians.

No. Cucks are what they call when you you set up your significant other to have sex with someone in front of you.

No. The Vancouver hockey team is called the Cux.

Cux?

Pretty sure it's Cux.

Vancouver Cux.

Vancouver Cux.

Okay.

Okay.

Cux?

Cux. This

is because you're an Euler fan. Yeah. Are you really an Edmonton Oiler fan? Are you your phone?

We got Name the 3 David. Connor McDavid. And? Dry Saddle. And?

McCloud.

Yeah. McCloud. Yeah. Very good.

That's 3. You need more?

Yep. I don't know what fucking shirt are you wearing. Name the name the songs from the band. This is uncle Paulie's, deli.

Okay. Name 3 sandwiches. You fucking idiot.

The godfather, the OG, and the Italian.

What kind of meat are in those? Balls. See? He doesn't even fucking know.

Yo. Oh, I'm a big guy. Wear my sandwich t shirt so the girls think I'm cool, but I can't eat many of the sandwiches. You're so fucking stupid. It's crazy.

What's your hat, Malbon? What's that, the cigarettes you smoke? Gotcha there.

Malbon Blues. Yeah. Those are the smokes I smoke.

Malbon Lights?

No. They're heavies.

I don't know what Malbon is. It looks like a golf thing because it's written in a rich man's fault font.

Fault? Got her. Loser, idiot, fuckhead. Sleep on that, dork. That'll keep you up all night.

Is is that a golf hat?

Yeah. It's a golf company.

So you golf,

Love it.

You whiz balls?

I'll be whizzing the bulls.

Is it okay to celebrate if you hit a really awesome ball, or is it is it that not golf etiquette?

No. That's golf.

I don't know anything about golf.

You wouldn't scream like you did before, but you'd You

wouldn't scream, help, help, help?

No. It's not really part of the golf game, but you would do, like, a,

Give me an etiquette quiz. Like, here's the situation. You're golfing and blah blah blah. What do you do if if the person you know, something like that?

You you and I are playing golf. We both hit off the tee, and then we walk up to our ball, and mine's in front of mine's beyond yours longer. But did you go first or did I go first? It doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter.

Yeah. But who's if I if my ball's up there and yours is here, who hits first? The 1 who's the 1 who's the longer drive or the shorter drive?

I'm gonna guess the longer drive because I might doink you in the head or yeah. Let's stay back here so that I won't doink anyone and then

So we hit yours first? Yeah. That's right.

Okay.

Mhmm.

Is that the hole moves

The hole moves not during the play.

I know, but I didn't know that. I thought it was, like, this girl on TikTok was, like, my boyfriend goes golfing all the time, and he said, the green was really hard today. And she was, like, what do you mean? You play this course every weekend. And he was, like, they move the hole.

Yeah. I had no idea. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Every every night, there are a team of of little people, LPs, and they come out of the trees. I don't know if you know that, but they have they have subsidized housing in the trees on golf courses for LPs, and they come out and they move the holes. And that's the best part.

They don't communicate with anybody about where it's going or how they do it.

But they have to communicate with each other. Otherwise, there'd be a big

Well, yeah. But I don't know what language they speak. I mean, I've never heard them. You'll never see them.

You've never stayed up that late?

I've tried, but I fall asleep every fucking time.

Not even on on golf Big Golf Eve?

On Big Golf Eve, on BGE, I'm typically tucked in by 11:30. I don't think they come out till 1 or 2. Do you

leave a snack out for the little people?

Yeah.

What's the kind of traditional snack that they eat?

Well, it's changed over the years because of, you know, the Internet has gotten a hold of what they, you know, they've judged what we used to put out there.

Okay.

But now, in this current day and age, it's, Werther's Originals is what they really like. The little caramel Werther's Originals.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. I think because maybe they're they just like that old school flavor of grandma's house. I think it's got that warm, fuzzy

That's interesting. So you think that a Werther's Original tastes like a house?

Yeah. Tastes like grandma's house.

What part? Like carpet, wall?

My home my grandmother's entire home was made of Werther's Originals.

You had a candy grandma.

Mhmm.

Candy grandma.

Little tiny candy grandma. That's beautiful. Hard legs.

Big head.

Okay. So wait. I wanna ask you. It's so funny, man. It's so nice to meet you because I really am a fan.

What are you doing on Chinese Insider? What the fuck are you doing on Hulu, man?

Where is this a Hulu collab?

What are you doing on Chinese Insider? Yeah.

I saw you have a Hulu special coming out. Chinese Insider is on Hulu as well. What's the name of your show again? Interior Chinatown.

Get a new name. How do you make it? It's terrible, honestly. How do you make it? Interior Chinatown?

Embarrassing on so many levels.

It's supposed to be, like, the heading of a script. Half of

the people on there aren't even Chinese.

Yeah. Some of them are. Most of them are.

That's awful, dude. That's awful. I'm calling Hulu. Don't please don't call them. I'm gonna I'm getting you off the show.

Please don't call them. Interior Chinatown, is is on Hulu with some of our good friends, Jimmy O Yang and Ronnie Chang. Love, love. Chloe Bennett, who is also on Dave with me. Love.

Sullivan Jones, don't know him. Lisa Gilroy, sucks. Chow Long, love. Archie Co, love. Sima, love.

Diana Lynn, love. Annie Chang, owes me money. Chris Pang owes Chang money. Spencer Neville and Michael Hardy and and the rest of people. Who's Neville?

Spencer Neville. Neville was Aaron Neville. Aaron Neville. But it's

Neville Longbottom.

Do you like doing the show of, mostly, Asians and you? Yeah. I could ask you the same question. I only do my show with 1 Asian. You're doing it with a lot.

That's 50%.

Yeah.

So do you consider yourself a minority on that show? Because Bobby's so much funnier and, like, a bigger personality than you.

Wow. Harmful. Harmful. Harmful. Bobby is funny if you like that kind of stuff.

Well, you must. I enjoy it.

What's your favorite thing about Bobby?

I would say making money off of him.

Oh. Does he know you're doing that? Mm-mm.

Mm-mm. He does now? Luster. No. It is really fun.

I mean, I wish he was I wish he was Japanese, but, but Korean isn't bad.

Have you been to Japan? Oh, yeah. Me too.

Where? 1, 2, 3. Tokyo. 1, 2, 3. Kyoto.

1, 2, 3.

It's Okinawa.

Wait. Ishigake is Okinawa.

I didn't know that.

Ishigake is a little island on in the Okinawan Island chains. You didn't go down there. I know you didn't.

I went to Okinawa.

No. You didn't.

Yeah. I lived in city.

Okanum.

Did

you so you went for fun? Did you go with a group of friends? Did you go with family? I just

went with my husband.

You just went with your husband?

And we stayed at the at a resort in Okinawa. And why can't I oh, well, the resort was called Halukule Halukuleani.

Oh, Halukuleani. You ever been there? Halukuleier. More like. Sounds like.

More like. Sounds like fart.

Don't do the fart stuff on this. This is a family show. I didn't fart. You

stuck out your tongue as if you're going to.

No. I have a Plus, you have farts seeping out of your ass this whole time. It's toxic in here. Howdy. That's nice, bud.

We're gonna have to cut all that stuff. There's a family show. Sorry. So you and you and you and your husband went to Japan, and you were there for how long? Like, 12 days.

That's good. That's a good amount of time. 5 in Tokyo, 4 or so in Kyoto, and then,

the travel agent. Yeah.

You

booked the whole thing and planned it.

Mhmm. So, yeah, it was a good amount of time. Well, I didn't know if you guys changed the plans. I mean, I just set it up. Change the plans.

You don't have to stick to the schedule if you don't want to. Yeah. Yeah. Did you go eat at, Euro Drink some sushi? Of course.

You went to Euros, didn't you?

Yeah. Fancy?

No. No. No. I'm not a sellout. I went to other places, you fucking American ham.

Oh, where'd you go? Tokyo Disney? You fucking loser? Oh, Mickey. You wanna suck your dickie.

That's you. Dude, I did not.

Day you're like that. Every day you're like that.

Big deal. Oh. Japanese Mickey is my guy, dude. I love Japanese Mickey. Yeah.

I'm in a rover with a mini, and I said, come here. That's what he says. I'm in a rover with a mini. What? That's Japanese Mickey.

I'm in a rover with a mini. No. Welcome to Disney World. No. That's what he says.

Don't forget, man. The mask stop. You're afraid of getting in trouble with interior China. That's the problem. And let me tell you something.

You're gonna get kicked off interior China after doing this show.

Well, the season's already done. It's already over, and it's a

limited series.

It got picked up. It's a limited series.

It got picked up. It did? Ronnie Chang called me today.

What?

He goes, tell Gilroy we got picked up. Really?

Yeah. The mascots don't talk, and you should know that. Okay?

It was No. Because I'm not a Disney loser like you, fucking nerd. Loser nerd, idiot, dork.

You've been to Disney for

is your husband?

How fat's your husband? Skinny as a little mouse.

He's a little skinny, mini girl, dude. He's a skinny, mini. How long have you been married?

Long time. Really? Yeah.

Do you have How have you been married? Do you have Papitos?

You married?

8 years. Do you have do you have little Papitos? No. You don't have any?

Do you? No. Do you have pets?

Mhmm.

What do you oh, you said that, like, you're hungry for them. Are you gonna boil 1 up for Thanksgiving?

She's my little sweetie princess.

Who is she? What is she?

What's the song you sing to your dog when you walk in the door?

I have a cat.

Well, this show's over.

No. It's not.

You have 2 cats?

Show's just getting started.

You have 2 cats?

1 cat.

You have 1. What's it called? Moose. Oh, I

like that. What's your what's your girl dog?

Her name's Cubby. Cubby. And you don't sing to your cat? I sing to my cat all the time. Give me a song.

I don't have any, like, ones with, I don't think I have any ones with lyrics.

Mine is in the vein of, extra extra. You know, the newsboy thing. You know, extra

Extra extra.

Read all yeah. Sure. Mine is, cubster pubster, read all about her. She's the best little pup in the world. Those are 2 kisses she gets.

Oh, cute.

Right on her fucking snoozzle.

So you have to kinda be holding her when you sing the song?

Yeah. I'm always holding her, dude. When I walk in, I'm picking her up and I'm holding her.

Does she ever pee on you?

Twice.

In your life? Or twice a day?

Twice a day.

Oh, okay.

Once in the morning, once at night.

I got peed on recently by a dog at a bar. Someone brought their dog and I was like, I'm really excited. I love all of God's creatures. You know, I don't pick between cats and dogs.

Yeah. I don't either. I think they're all great. That's wonderful. I just think, you know, it's easier to sing to a dog because sometimes cats don't want you around.

Well Dogs always wanna be there. They greet you at the door. Yeah. Cats don't sometimes they don't care that you're home.

Depending on which cat kinda cat you have. My cat always comes to the door.

What do you have? A Russian blue?

No. I have just, like, a garbage cat.

What's the fancy cat? Somebody told me about it.

Yeah. That Russian blue sounds very fancy.

That's the fancy 1. And what's the other 1? The moon? No. What's the 1 with, like, very distinct ears?

It always looks like the the meme of a cat online.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know what you're talking about.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Someone just told me

Does it almost look like a Star Wars Yes. Secreter? Yeah. I don't know what it's called, but yeah.

Someone told me yesterday on the phone a friend was like, oh, I went to this girl's house and she had that. And I was like, oh, wow.

These Why did you say somebody told me this yesterday on the phone? You wanted me to know the conversation didn't happen in person.

Well, because I was about to say who, and then I thought that's not okay. It's not my business to talk about somebody else's name.

So you thought it would stop me from asking who your friend was if you said you talked to them

all day. I can't. Who is it?

We got Devon Rex, Bang

Devon Rex. Devon Rex is the 1? I don't think so.

That's the 1 with the little short curly hair.

No. No. No.

British short hair, Maine coon, Scottish fold.

Scottish fold. Yeah.

That was it? No. My cat kinda looks like

a Maine Coon, but he's just from the garbage. But he's so cute.

You got him on the street?

Yeah. And I I don't have a song for him, but

I talk to him like, Like a minion almost. Yeah. Where does Moose come from?

He's a I like

that's a name.

Well, it's a Canadian animal, 1 of our national dredgers. And he has really long whiskers that look like antlers, so that that's kind of a good

Does your husband connect connect as well?

Yeah. Where does Cubby come from?

My buddy's ex fiance. Uh-oh. Let's get into it.

Okay. What happened there? The fans are dying to know. Now we heard fiance, and we heard ex fiance. So what's the deal?

Break it down. So who chewed on who? She fucked him, or he fucked he fucked somebody's dead dead dead dead

in a car accident. On the day of the wedding, she died in a tragic car accident on the day of the wedding.

I'm so sorry. That's okay.

It wasn't mine. The baby?

So where did, the name Cubby come from?

From Chicago.

Oh, awesome.

Chicago Cubs.

In here, we pour whiskey.

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Ginger. I like tinctures.

My buddy's ex was getting furniture made in downtown Los Angeles. She went to the furniture maker, and the gentleman said, hey, this dog came in and had puppies. I don't want these fucking things.

Came into the furniture store.

Came into the to the warehouse. Ding ding ding. It came in to give birth because it was it was cold. And so it gave birth inside the furniture maker's, like, ware studio, and then it left the puppies. And, usually, that means she's on the run from the law.

Is that what that

means? Yeah. When dogs when mother dogs leave their puppies, they're on the run from the law. Mother dog. When mother dogs.

So she left all these dogs, and the guy says, I don't want these fucking dogs. And she said she's a warm hearted, beautiful individual, and she took a she's like, well, I can try to house these for you. I'll find and she grabbed 1 and put them up on Instagram and was like, does anybody want these goddamn donks? They're downtown in this thing, and I don't want them to die down there. And I was working a job, and I saw it online, and I thought, oh my fucking god.

And I called my lady. I said, we got a dog coming over to the house just to say hello.

Just to say hello? Nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with that. Just to visit? And then, of course, I was the 1 that was, like, we don't have to keep we'll just let's talk about it. Let's not commit to it tonight. Let's just talk.

And then it got there, and then she never left. And I was like, we gotta keep this dog. It was a such a cutesy pootsy. She was so tiny, and she had she had, worms.

Wait. Your girlfriend or the dog?

Both. Oh, god.

I had worm ones.

What came what came first? The chicken or the egg. Who do you think who do you think of the

worms? So true. She

had worms, and she was pooping out worms. And I thought she, ate a wire because the worms look like a computer wire. Like, it looks like a cat 5 wire. And I was, like, oh my god. She fucking chewed through a wire in the office.

And then 1 of the office, I was looking at all the wires. There's no wires. And then I looked behind the TV, and there's just worms all over the place. Everywhere. So then it was served

your TV was made of worms?

Yeah.

What? Woah. That's actually crazy.

Yeah. Worm TV.

So how is the TV turning on?

Yeah. You don't need to watch it. You just need to imagine. Use your brain.

Oh, so you've never turned your TV on?

Never ever. Never watched TV. That's why I told you before the show. I've never seen an episode of Friends. No interest.

Too scary? It would feel too real?

Too many too many whites. Too many whites. We'll be right back with too many whites. That was Seinfeld's original theme song, and they got rid of it. Oh, too many whites.

Too many whites. Rachel Phoebe, Joey. Kramer and George and Elaine. And Elaine. It was a combo show.

Do you like Jerry Seinfeld or no?

Do you hate him? And a Pizza Hut? Uh-huh. Like a combo show?

Yeah. It was a combo show. McDonald's McDonald's Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut. McDonald's. Mc wait.

It's Taco Bell and KFC. Isn't that right?

Sure. I don't go to that 1 as often.

You don't eat fast food?

Sometimes. Actually, a lot. I probably have McDonald's, like, once a week.

Are you under Ad gal Are

you Ad gal Ri Ri.

Are you under 30?

No. Wow.

And you can eat fast food that often and and be fine. Yep. Someone's got good genes. Nice. Not those socials.

Chill.

When you were growing up and you had fast food, what was it?

It was just whatever my, you know, whatever my dad could get from the chow line. We were on government cheese.

Did you have an angry dad?

No. My father was in prison when I was a kid.

Is that true? Mhmm. Did you I

had a stepdad who was a who raised me.

Yeah. Oh, that's cool.

Because you get to, like, ride all the way there. Yeah. What does your dad do? He picks you up from school? My dad's gonna call me from prison in an hour and a half.

Jealous.

Yeah. Huge. Yeah. Huge w for the boy.

That's so cool.

Yeah. Cried every night. Cried every night. Still do. He would call me, and I think I've told this story before, but it was funny.

He would call, and my mother sometimes wouldn't accept the collect call.

Yeah. So he

would leave what he wanted to say in the time where you're supposed to say it again.

Baby, it's a boy.

Had a baby, it's a boy.

You ever seen that commercial? Mm-mm. Yeah. Tell him it's Bob attababy, it's a boy.

I never what what was that from? Maybe it

was a Canadian commercial. It was a big popular commercial for, like, a phone provider.

No. It sounds familiar.

Please leave your name. Bob attababy, it's a boy.

And they go, it's Bob. They had a baby, it's a boy. Because he didn't wanna pay for collect call.

Exactly.

But he used to go, this is a collect call from Cook County Prison, inmate 43972. And then you would leave your name and go, it's so and so. But instead, because he knew he'd get rejected Yeah. He'd be like, hey. What's up with you?

I just wanna tell you that I love you. I'll talk to you soon.

Oh, that's nice. And that's all you really need to say in a phone call.

Yeah. Yeah. And my mom was like, not taking collect calls from that guy.

But would she pass along the message, or you would hear you

would hear

that part?

I've I've heard it before. Yeah. Multiple times. But he fixed his life. He got his life together.

That's great.

He's good. Yeah. He leveled out. Does he golf? He does.

He actually does.

Did you ever read the book Bad Golf My Way by Leslie Nielsen?

No. But I love that.

Hilarious coffee table book.

Bad Golf My Way? Oh, yeah. I love Buzzy Lovesman, man. Him he's 1 of those guys from those days of, like, real, try try anything comedy. I wish we made movies like that a little bit more.

Why don't we do that? Why don't we do try anything comedy? Why don't why don't why isn't there why isn't that?

Why why isn't that?

That's why Why isn't that anymore?

I know.

You know why? Everybody wants to be on Marvel.

Is that what it is?

The Caribbean. Every movie gotta be a superhero IP.

Okay. Well, what's a superhero that hasn't had a movie yet? Maybe we can do that, and we can make it into a bad golf my way kinda

movie. The problem is a lot of the superheroes that haven't made it yet are ones that aren't socially acceptable anymore. Oh. Just, you know, their actions.

What do they what's their superpower?

You know the gropey pope? You never have you heard you know that guy? Oh, gropey poperson. Yeah. And he would go around.

He's like,

come here.

It was super powerless.

Fly, which was cool.

That was kinda cool. It was just his, you know He'd say, I'll take your tits to the moon.

He'd grab you, and then he'd blast off.

Gropey Poperson. The superpower was that he could move move, perishes without anybody knowing. Oh. The gropey Poperson.

I don't remember him. What about the Powerpuff Girls? Are those Marvel?

No. Idiot. Okay. You can't reach that far. You can lean forward.

You can move away from the mic for a second to put it down. No. I need this. Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug.

It's too cold. I I don't wanna lie.

Drink or do drugs?

Yeah. Both.

What are your favorite drugs?

Well, I'm not really allowed to say. Why? Because I'm not a because I'm a network girl now.

I don't wanna cross the line.

I'm not a network girl.

You're a Disney kid.

I'm a Disney kid. Yeah.

You're watching Treehouse. Is that

a Canadian network or American?

That's gotta be you guys. I don't know what the fuck that is. Well, you're not allowed to say what drugs you use in the fear of someone will, get mad at you for using drugs?

Yes. Loser. But guess who guess who I'm worried about?

Disney?

The government of the United States because I'm not a citizen yet. So my lawyer told me that I I can't be, like, flapping my gabber about all the drugs that I fucking suck and inject and snort and gobble.

All those jacking and snorting and fucking and sucking drugs, you can't say anything about them?

Exactly.

No. We have the freedom of speech here. You're allowed to say whatever you want in this country.

No. Because it could it could hurt by immigration

In our country, our prime minister doesn't get in blackface and deny it years later. He owns it.

So you agree you have a prime minister?

We do. We have 2 of them. Michelle and, and Barack. Obama. No.

They're both Obama.

Michelle and Obama.

No. No. No. That's rude. Obama.

That's rude to Michelle Obama.

Know what Obama's nickname was when he was just a little kid?

Big dog.

Barry.

The big b.

Barry. Isn't that cute?

Barry. Barry. There go Barry. Hey, Barry. How funny a little kid is like, I'm gonna be president 1 day.

It's like, okay, Barry.

Okay, Barry.

Back inside.

Oh, wouldn't it be cute if it was Barry, like, b e r r y? And you're like, strawberry.

Like a little tiny bean? Brambleberry. Mushrooms?

I haven't I haven't dabbled to supreme oasis.

Have you ever tried acid? No. Coke? No. Crack?

No. Heroin? Mm-mm. Fentanyl? Mm-mm.

Smack, Jack, Chuck.

Smack Jack, chug, poke?

Snug? You ever had snug? Freak? Oh, you ever had some freak? Some spank bang freak?

Have you ever had brain spank? It's the craziest drug. What is that? You literally never had you do it like an eye drop, but it comes out your mouth. Gosh.

And then you turn you turn, like, poop fart, but not in not in a gross way.

In a cool way? Yeah. Yeah.

Your skin turns to fart and your blood turns to poop.

Get out of town.

That's what you feel like is happening. But to everyone else, you you look normal Mhmm.

And

you're acting normal, and you can go to work. It's awesome. Any work? Yeah. Like and and, seriously, any work.

You can you look at so you you take it, and then you look at whoever you want. And whoever whatever their job is, you're able to do it. Yeah. So I always go to the courthouse, and I take it, and I look at a lawyer. And then I do I do a day of law.

1 full day of law?

Yeah. I go like, your honor, my client like, stuff like that.

And what else?

I'll do objection, your honor.

Oh, the what other what other bits?

Objection, your honor. Relevance. I'll do that. I'll tack that on sometimes. Relevance.

Relevance.

Yeah.

Yeah. Or

Or sustained. I'll sustain my own objection.

A lot of stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Even though I'm not the judge, I'll I'll tack that on. Objection, your honor. Relevance sustained. I'll do that kind of as a

Give them both sides of it. Yeah. Yeah. To show them that you're kinda multi What

kind of job would you like to do if you weren't a comedian? Oh, your phone's ringing.

A phone. No. I wanna be a phone. If I could be anything, I'd be a phone. Oh.

I'd love to be a phone.

Why? Someone finally boop you?

Yeah. I'd like to boop. Boop boop boop. Hit my belly. What would I be if I wasn't a me?

What would I be if I wasn't a me? What would you do if you wasn't a me? I'd probably want a franchise, I'd be a franchise owner of restaurants.

Oh, what kind of restaurant?

Red Robin. Red Lobster. No. Red Robin. Red Lobster.

The Red Lobster CEO says they're gonna increase sales by giving away Cheddar Bay Biscuits when you sit down. Tanking, and he's gonna revitalize the company. They're tanking? They're tanking. They're caged right now.

Let them out. Let that company swim. They're sinking. They're sunk. And I think they're gonna give away Cheddar Bay Biscuits for free as you sit down.

That's a big deal. Is it not? That's a huge thing.

That's kinda that's kinda jacking up

That's like McDonald's giving away their fry. Oh, the yeah.

But Olive Garden's just giving away what? Flour and water? That's nowhere near the close

Biscuits are flour and water as

well. But what I'm saying, cheddar? Do you know how expensive cheddar is? It's $50 a block.

Sounds like a real fucking Canadian over here.

What? Cheddar cheap in America?

Yeah, dude. It's free. It's everywhere. Oh,

I didn't know it was. Yeah.

It grows on trees, goon. You don't have cheddar trees up there? No. You don't have any cheddar trees?

Is that what they called you in high school? Cheddar tree?

This fucking loser. Nobody called you anything in high school because you weren't smart enough to go through with it. You got kicked out as a freshman, I heard. Wow. Woah.

No. You don't get to eat the match. No. Don't fart it out. That's nuts.

It's a boys club, and I'm living in it. Did you get did you go to college?

Yeah. Where? University of Alberta. You went to

Albie? Mhmm. Wow. What'd you graduate with? Don't say performance art.

Well, I got 2 degrees.

What were they?

Well, a bachelor of education.

Sexist? Go ahead. Sexist. Bachelor. Can it be a bachelorette of education?

Why is there be a fucking bachelor?

I thought you're saying bachelor of education is sexist because all girls are teachers.

Fact fact fact

fact. And all boys are cops.

Fact fact fact. Put them up. Where you've been?

The podcast studio.

Okay. Alright. We'll see about that. Bachelor of education and what else? Man, you were a fucking great teacher.

I was a teacher for a little bit.

Because you never fucking shut the fuck up. Is that

what makes a good

Interesting. It was show and tell. Did not did not to tell him much after I showed him what I would do with a buck.

I mean, I don't know.

No. What if no. Yes.

A lot of Americans have guns in their homes.

This is

and you can fact check this. There's no gun in Canada that's smaller than 5

feet long. So that's why you can't sneak it into a concert. You can't do

anything bad with it because everyone will see that you have it. They're I'm not kidding. They're between 5 12 feet.

That's that's how we keep it gun?

Yeah. That's how we keep it safe there.

Impossible. So you

can still hunt with it.

No 1 has 5 feet guns.

Yeah. They do. Everyone in Canada.

Everyone in Canada has a 5 foot gun.

That in a purse. You can't.

Yes. You can. But if you're on your buddy's shoulders and you have a trench coat, you can put it right in

Yeah. But someone will immediately go, that guy's too tall. He must have a gun.

Oh, too tall? That's a little fucking discriminatory. How tall are you? 68. No.

You're not. Yes. I am.

How tall do

you think I am? 66? I'm only a little bit taller than you.

Yeah. Only a little bit.

You're 66. I'm 68. Okay. Agree. You're Jordan.

I'm LeBron.

Isn't it so touching that those guys would play together, father and son? Bronnie and daddy?

Interesting argument. I don't know.

I think it's the most touching thing I've ever heard of.

Of all time?

It's up there. Well, Tom Brady

played with his son.

Who gives a fuck?

Brad Brady?

Is that true?

No. I don't know anything about football. Kids are still young. It was it it's a I think it's a nice moment in sports.

Imagine 1 day you get to podcast with your son.

Never gonna have a kid, so never You don't know that? I do.

No. You don't? I do.

I cut my penis off a

couple of hours ago. Ways to have it. Even if your penis is cut off, sometimes blood and goo can cut come out from there and get on the bedsheets. And if someone sits down, they can get pregnant.

I cauterized it. I cauterized the wound. Nothing's coming out of there. I put a fucking iron to it. I sliced it, and then I went

Where does your

pee come out? I said, this is what you did to me, dad. Oh. That was the last time we all had Christmas together. Where does your pee come out?

My butt.

Does it mix in with other stuff? Uh-oh. What?

Don't give away my secrets.

Okay. Sorry.

That's my family recipe.

Okay. Are you gonna make anything for Thanksgiving?

Yeah. We don't do turkey because I don't believe in it.

What do you believe in?

We do a prime rib roast

Okay.

For the crew. He's coming over to the crib. We do prime rib we do some of the fixins, but we don't do I don't like turkey. Turkey is fucking dog shit. It's trash.

Woah. Turkey is trash. You think it tastes gross? It's it's a waste. It's a dry meat that takes too long to cook.

That's so true.

And what's the and what's the I don't even know what the benefit was. This isn't even a they're like, oh, you have to over flavor it and then stuff it with bread to make it good. No. Thanks. I'll just get a good piece of meat, and then the fixins are the same.

So I like the green green casserole, check. The glazed carrots, check. Love. Hawaiian rolls, let's go. Gravy, bring it on.

Okay. Remember everything you just said.

Uh-huh.

And repeat the tagline after. Green bean casserole.

Check.

Gravy.

Bring it on.

Yeah. Casserole.

Let's go. That's fun. Yeah. It is. That is fun.

You don't no. I don't like turkey. No 1 and it's also it's the it's the weakest of the meats.

Turkey is the weakest of the meats.

And I think he can Google. Turkey is the weakest of

the meats.

The reason that was a Meissner tick technique. Yeah. Turkey is the weakest of the meats. Turkey is the weakest of the meats. Thou shall not thus I agree.

Thou.

I would say it's my least favorite meat too, but I guess we've all been duped into thinking it's the thing we're supposed to have.

But as a Kanuk, you didn't grow up having Thanksgiving, did you?

Oh, we have Canadian Thanksgiving. It already happened months ago, and no 1 cared.

Yeah. Fact. Some people saw it right there. I think the reason that we did Turkey seriously was because the this was a government intervention of a dying industry, so they wanted to, utilize this this this fairy tale story of Turkey.

Your quotations were so weird.

No. Why do you do it like that? This fairy tale story This is supposed

to go up and down.

No. This is up and down.

Put 1 up and then put it down.

Fingers can't go all the way up. Up and down. Can't go all the way up.

This is so gross and weird. Don't do that. Sick. Stop that.

Shuck. What is it? It says it's mainly just because it's it's cheaper for more meat. Cheaper for more meat. So more people can afford

The rumor was that the government got involved, and they were like, oh, there's a there's an excess of turkeys, and they were trying to help the market. And so Well,

they went out eat rats. Rats are everywhere.

Harder harder to cultivate. No? Way harder to I used to own a fucking rat farm. What are you saying no? Don't know me.

I had a rat farm from 06 to 09. You know how hard this was to keep them contained? They got out. Where'd they go? Just got out.

They went to New York. Oh, well. Fievel goes east.

Would you eat a rat if it was so supremely clean and wonderful?

Of course. If it was delicious, I'd eat anything. I'd eat humans if they fucking did it.

Right? Mean if it's delicious you did you don't know if a rat's delicious or not. You're gonna have to try it then.

Yeah. But get me a good chef that can cook it right, and I'll try it. No one's trying it. Everyone's scared. Same thing with humans.

Nobody wants to cook people. Cook them. Why are we just throwing them in the ground? Cook them. What a waste.

Cook them.

Cook them. Cook them up. Yeah. But, no. We don't want Aunt Betty's gone.

Serve her at a funeral. That's too old. Delicious.

I don't want that. I don't want aunt Betty on

the ground. Young if they die young. Yeah. That was fun to die young. Eat me.

That's what your that's what your lawyer is like. What did he want? The distribution of his wealth will go to his wife and his family, and he wants you all to eat him. Eat me. Eat me.

Eat me.

Well, I was having a conversation with friends the other day where someone was like, like, something something something. Would you try human? And I was the only 1 that was, like, yes. And I I don't think it's like there was a guy on YouTube who got a doctor to take a a doink of his muscle leg out of his muscle

Yeah.

Leg and put it in a frying pan and fry and cook

it, and he

ate it. And it was his own muscle egg. It was his own cap.

That seems weird. Okay. Eat your own seems weird.

Well, you have to eat your own because no one's gonna let you eat theirs.

Oh, if you steal a body and you go go

That's dead already, Andrew. That's gonna make you sick. You don't like bellyache, do you?

I do, actually. Oh. I'm on a diet, so I like to clear out as often as possible. So eat your own leg.

Yeah. But so I'm saying okay. If I But

I'm all white meat. I'd rather have dark meat. If I gave

you a chunk of my leg and we fried it up and I was like, it's only, let's say, half an ounce, but it's a mouthful. Would you try it?

Yeah. I would too. Yeah. I'd wanna try it. I mean, because

But why do people think that's so

Well, I imagine your leg would taste good because you eat a lot of fast food, so there's a lot of fat content. There's a lot of cholesterol on fat content.

From French fries lives forever, and it goes everywhere.

Mhmm. That's what they say. Lives in your in your central nervous system, all that salt.

Does it really?

Yeah. That's why you said you're jittery from the coffee. That's the salt jumping around in your bones. Yeah. Do you wanna be buried, or do you wanna be cremated?

Cremated. For sure. Yeah. I'd love to watch that. Yeah.

I think being buried is strange.

Well, what are you gonna do? Cream?

No. Cream supreme? Cream supreme at Taco Bell. This month at Taco Bell, get some cream supreme on your burrito. Smoked for flavor.

You wanna send, you know, cream

supreme? Cream.

I wanna be, I wanna be put out a boat. I'll put on on a boat.

Oh, you want the Viking big flamer?

Mhmm. Light me up on a boat out to sea.

Okay.

Do you know the phrase, Live, laugh, love? Yes. Yeah. I've heard it. Written on every wall of my house.

I know. I see it. It's around the studio

too. You know the phrase, that a pirate you know, pirates go.

Yeah.

Do you know why they do that? Oh. It's crazy. I just learned this. Why?

Is it real?

Yeah. Well, do you know

what a favorite a pirate's favorite letter is?

X. They're all on Twitter now, these pirates.

No. Try again.

I don't know it. What is it? R.

Oh, you think it'd be r, but it's the c.

Oh, that's good. That's good.

K. Why do they say r?

Oh, I don't know.

I heard something about pirates. They they wear an eye patch. Mhmm.

Do

you know why? Something something I'm not sure if this is the answer. It's dark down below. No. No.

No. It's not for that. It's not for that.

Do do do do do. Telescope? Periscope? What's that called? Periscope?

Telescope? Periscope? Telescope? Periscope? Telescope?

Telescope? Telescope? Periscope? Periscope? Telescope.

I don't think it's for that.

It's not. It's not.

I think I heard it's because the downstairs in the boat's so dark. So then when they go down, they switch it so then that eye is accustomed to the darkness, and then the other eye is accustomed to the bright up upper deck.

No. It's just if you lost an eye, they put an eye patch on it. No. Why do you think what what what what They don't all have eye patches. We Not every pilot.

A lot of them. Not every pilot has an eye patch.

You think but you think there's enough of them that all of our drawings and stuff of pirates have eye patches? Only

the most famous ones.

Why would why would the most famous ones be missing an eye?

Because they got no fight, and they always go for your eye.

And I guess a lot of them are missing hands and have hook hand.

That's right. Because they go for your hand. Because if they go if they point if they poke your eye out, they know that you can't sail anymore. That's the whole point. You're supposed to take away their vision.

Well, no. Obviously, they can sail because, obviously, we see them with an eye patch on.

If you took out both, the problem is you couldn't get to the other 1 on time. You got 1. You couldn't get the second 1. That's the whole fucking point, dude.

Oh, you think that's what they were doing with their swords? They're trying to go

Why were they so sharp? Right. Otherwise, you'd have a big katana type of blade to cut through them.

You have a 7 foot Canadian gun.

Thank you. But instead, you Oink. Oink. Right. Cut off their hands and their and you wanna blind them so they can't see.

Why not just cut their hands? Throat and kill them.

Slit throat kill. That's wait. You're doing eye eye hands.

You're a little gruesome. I'm being honest. Slit their throat?

Oh, I guess that was a nasty thing to do. Sorry.

I guess I got know why?

Yeah. What is it?

Both of those are probably fake, and they were popularized because of Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island.

That's right for the book. That's exactly right. Boom. Both

both r. Parts saying r and eye patches. From the book. Pop but they it is the the the dark, but it's a myth popularized by Treasure Island. Nice try, pal.

Much like r.

Well

Mhmm.

Well, I have a riddle for you. When the 2 men who landed on the moon were on the moon, they didn't high 5 each other because they couldn't. Why?

Because we faked it. It was made in Hollywood based. Nope. It was made right here at Warner Brothers. I've seen the set.

Guess again. This is true. This is a real riddle. It's a real historical

men landed on the moon.

And they couldn't high 5 each other. Why?

Because they didn't land anywhere near each other.

No?

They landed on the moon. They couldn't high 5.

Why? Gravity. Nope. Not gravity. You get 1 more

guess. They couldn't high 5.

I'm saying the 2 men who actually did land on the moon. Buzz

All dream.

Lightyear and Lance Armstrong. Woody. You got a friend in me.

They sang that to each other on the moon, you think?

You got a friend in me.

Time's a

horror. When the rollers. Duck your head and your miles and miles from your

nice warm beard.

To just remember what your whoop has

to say.

You got a friend

in me.

Some other folks might be

a little bit smarter than I am, big and stronger too. Who is that? Maybe. But none of them will ever love you the way I do. Oh, wow.

Just me and you, Andrew.

It was because the high 5 hadn't been invented yet.

Fuck. I knew it. I knew it. If you knew it, why didn't you say it? It wasn't invented till 86.

It. There's no fucking way the high 5 wasn't invented before that.

Yeah. No. That's well, actually, I think well, why did you say 86? That sounds right to me. It was either 82 or 86, something like that.

High 5 invented 1977.

What? Yeah. Okay. Well, that's after that. What a fake idea.

Who could clock it that it was invented in that year? There's no people are probably doing it in other parts of the world before you knew. Yeah. You think somewhere in Africa people weren't doing that, and we just don't know.

We have an exact date, October 2, 1977, when Glenn Burke out here for the Los Angeles Dodgers gave a guy a high 5 when they, against the Houston Astros.

That's when it was popularized. And then he was like, oh, that felt good. Yeah. That's so funny to think that until the seventies, nobody did that. That's insane.

I know it is insane. If you think about, like

That's fake.

If I think about some little boys, which I do, in the fifties playing baseball or something, I'm like, what? And they are celebrating. How do they celebrate? Yes. Oh, good job, Tommy.

Whoopee. But what don't you wanna, like, run to each other and do like, do they

have handshake? I'm sure that's bullshit. Just like people used to smack each other on the butt in sports all the time. That was, like, a common thing. And now we do it in stand up.

When you have a good set, they smack them right on the butt.

The is, butt smacking not happening in sports anymore?

They took it away. They took it away? The fucking Liberals took it away.

Wow.

That's what happens, dude. The Liberals, they take away, but we can't butt smack no more.

What else can't you do?

Oh, you can't just run up to a random guy and smooch him? Oh. That's because of the Liberals.

Streaking? That's out.

Yeah. You can't just wave your peen peen around town? Thanks a lot, Libby's. Wow. Yeah.

Bullshit.

You look so much like

a puppet when you do that. Bullshit if you ask me.

In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey.

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Tinder. I like Tinder.

Do skateboard.

That's from, Chris Cole. He's a professional skateboarder.

He gave that to you?

Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to skateboard. I loved it. Nothing cooler than fucking waxing up a curb, dude. Yeah.

I used to skateboard too.

Oh, fuck you, dude. I did.

No. You didn't. I got a skateboard from Walmart.

Were you goofy or regular?

Regular.

Yeah. Right. You ever looked in the mirror? You got goofy foot? No.

I'm regular.

I didn't skateboard for long though.

Are you a mongol or or do you push regular? You don't know what I'm asking? No. When you're skating, was your front what was your front foot? Your left foot?

You were regular. Right? Yeah. So your left foot was in front? Yeah.

Did you push with your right foot back or did you step off and push with your front foot?

Step off.

Yeah. Right. Let's go to Mongol.

Oh, okay.

Then you are a fucking Mongol. That's for sure. No. No. No.

It's a term in skating. It's chill. It's okay. We just know that you'd never have made it as a pro.

I never I didn't skateboard for longer than, like, a month.

I read it in the Alberta Gazette. They were, like, Lisa Gilroy tries skating, bails. Bails. Yeah.

Well, I had the wrist guards, you know. Scared of falling and hurting myself.

Helmet? No. Mouse guard?

Mouth guard. No.

Oh, yeah. You should've had a mouth guard.

What what am I gonna

Well, that's why your teeth are all messed up now.

My my

wrists are gonna hit

the ground before my face.

Not if you're doing it right. You may get your hands out of the way. You don't break your wrist. Go face first.

Do you skate on the ice?

Ice skate? Yeah. Yeah. I grew up doing it. Really?

Midwest. I'm a Chicago kid.

Okay.

No. Not hockey. I played I didn't I was never good enough to play hockey. You gotta be good on the ice to play hockey.

We could have been the puck. Nah. Were you a little enough?

I auditioned twice. Oh. I wanted to be the water bottle in the goalie net. That's what I really wanted

to be.

Suck on

me. The mouths.

I just wanted someone to suck on me. Yeah. Still to this day, I'd love to be a water bottle. If you could be any inanimate object, what would you be?

Oh, that's a good question. I guess, bowling ball? Taking fingers.

What about you? I guess I'd wanna be what would I wanna be? Maybe an anal bead? Gorgeous. A community anal bead?

Community. Yeah. I wanna get around.

You know how they have those little libraries on corners? We should do that for different kind of stuff.

Yeah. For sex toys?

Sure. It's a big plastic waste to have them

all to yourself. It is. And there and there's also just a grumpy old woman that's checking them in and checking them out.

Take 1. Leave 1.

This is 3 weeks late. Yeah. Exactly. Martha.

Martha. Just let me

have it.

Seriously. You're so uptight. Are you using any of these, Martha?

No. They're disgusting. Martha, come on. Why do you

even run the library then?

Because we need to preserve history.

Martha. Martha, look at me. Mhmm. Martha. Mhmm.

Open your eyes. Martha. You mean naughty.

I'm ripped. I've been drinking all day.

Have you ever gotten so drunk that you threw up?

Big time.

When was the last time?

September. What happened?

You were never forgetting?

That was my that was my 911. Glug, glug, glug. Blah, blah. I puked out 2 planes.

Oh, I hope not.

When was that time I puked? Probably in college.

Oh, so you you don't, like, drink too crazy anymore?

No. I'm a big drinker, but I don't drink till I throw up. That's fucking absurd.

How do you know, like, how do you know what your cutoff is? Let's say you've been drinking When

I fall.

Oh, if you fall.

If I just physically fall down. Yeah. And I'm like, that's it. Drag me home. And they usually have to drag me home.

They put me on hooks, drag me out of there.

Neat hooks.

The guy from the the Apollo, the state, he just whoop, bits me out of there. Are you a big drinker or no?

I drink, but I'm I don't know. The older I get, the less I can drink. I mean, let's I can have, like, 3 martinis.

That's a good amount. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

But no more than that.

Does your buzz been drink? Yeah. He does he like it a lot?

No. He's usually, like, driving me around.

Oh, he's picking your alcoholic ass up. That's great.

But I'm like, I don't fall, but I can't see. If I'm like too if you ever see me at a restaurant and I've had 2 martinis, I can't see you. Like, I'm like, vision is completely swimming.

Do you have good vision anyway? Like, Jenny, right and do you have contacts in?

Legally blind.

Do you

think that's why the movies are called that? Legally blonde?

Your honor.

Legally blind? Legally blind.

That's what the original name was.

Yeah. But is it is it a pun on legally blind? What is legally what's the joke? The Santa Claus, I get.

Well, legal because she's wants to be a lawyer and and blonde because she is.

You know, the Santa Claus, the movie? It took me a really long time to understand. It was, like, the clause, like, clause of a of a contract. Mhmm. The Santa Claus.

I'm about to blow your mind if you don't understand stuff like this.

Okay. Tell me more.

In Happy Gilmore Sure. Do you remember the movie? Happy Lagoda. That's it. That's what I was gonna say.

Okay.

Isn't that funny that we all know that that sound bite? Yeah. Why is that?

Because it's said in an insane way.

Happy Lagoda. The because the the

line is happy, comma, look out exclamation mark.

Happy Lycotta. Happy Lycotta. And shout out to her. Now she's, Julie Bowen. Julie Bowen.

People that don't know that sound bite, that's a very there is something to be said about, like, the shared comedian thing that we notice those things, and I'll say something and someone will go, I've never noticed that in the movie. I'm like, you've never heard that thing in the fucking movie? Right. And it sticks out. Chubbs Chubbs?

Chubbs in, he's wearing, a specific, type of clothing the entire film and hats. Do you know what what kind of clothing he's wearing the entire film?

I can't even picture Chubbs. Will should I Google it quick?

No. Just don't don't don't do that because it'll give it away. Well Do you understand what I'm where I'm feeling? This isn't this is brilliant by by filming.

Remember who Chubbs is in the movie.

What? The the big black guy who gets his hand bit off and coaches in the entire film?

He got his hand eaten by an alligator or something. Right?

And what and what clothing company do you think he wore? Oh. Lacoste. Lacoste. Isn't that crazy?

He's wearing Lacoste shirts and Lacoste hats the entire film. I learned that on the Internet the other day. I thought how brilliant of Sandler to put that. Okay. I have

another 1 here.

That's such a sneaky little Easter egg.

I have another 1. Yeah. Meghan Markle. Love. Who is a princess

now. Okay. Settle down.

Sir? Sir?

As a redhead

What? Do you know who

I'm talking about? Meghan Markle? She's married to the fucking redheaded prince. Do you know who the fuck you're talking about? I thought

you're talking about Ketchup, dude. Thought that you Ketchup. That's how I dyed this. Another famous redhead.

Ketchup.

Meghan Markle. What series was she on before she was a princess? Suits. What do you think that means?

What do you think it means? Suits. Suits as in? Yeah. Cards.

And? What do you mean she married the the prince of Wales in the suit of hearts?

Suits as in suits, like, with ties and jackets. Yes. And then also lawsuits.

Suits. And she's big on suing, Isn't she?

Did you know this?

Yeah. I did. You already knew Suits and Suits. Yeah. That's a little easy.

That 1 was a little on the nose. You know she dated my old manager.

Your old manager? Not even

the young 1? She was married to my old manager. That's crazy. It's a weird story. It's actually all over the news, but he's quiet about it.

I don't even know if I should be blabbing about it. Oh, no. It's public knowledge, but they were married. When I met him, he was just married to her. Wow.

And

Just married? Like, pop cans on the car and everything?

100%. Clearly, they never took those off, which is weird. He still has them on. Wow. Yeah.

They were married, and then she left him

for a blimp

for someone else, and then that didn't work out. And then she met, Fuzzy. Wow. Prince Fuzzy.

So did you ever get to meet her?

Prince losing his Harry. We'll be right we'll be right back, prince prince losing his Harry. Prince, she's married to prince, not to have so much of Harry anymore. Do you know she ended up marrying prince, Harry more like prince Baldy?

Let's do 1 for the other prince. Prince will

Prince Prince, Prince

Prince Will prince will he

take care of his sick wife? Sick wife who's got cancer? Jesus. Thanks for coming on the show. Yeah.

Thanks for having me.

Been incredible.

Yeah.

You are something special.

You are such a little tickle bug.

So plug your show right now. She's on the Chinese confidential. Interior Chinatown on Hulu. It is a great show. Have you watched that?

No. I know it. And you knew that. I'm not gonna watch that bullshit. It's trash.

I don't wanna fucking involve myself in that kind of crap. It's crap. It's liberal media crap. No. I have seen the show.

It's actually quite good. I watch it for Jimmy.

I saw you I saw you, like, in in shorts once on the street.

God bless. What was I up to? I think you

were going on a hike because I was going on a hike. I think it must have been where you live.

Do you live in the neighborhood? Don't say where we are. Oh, you don't?

But I think now that I think of it, it's kinda close to here.

Oh, yeah. Sometimes I go for hikes. I'll go for a little hike. A lot of times, if I'm in this neighborhood

You were dressed like Adam Sandler.

Love? You mean the king? Yeah. What do you mean? Like, the literal king?

The literal the literal king is Elvis.

He's dead. I only respect him.

The literal king is prince Philip, who's now the king. King Philip.

The widow king The little king. The widow king. Purely. Purely. That kid was so fucking great.

He's in prison now. He's in prison.

Were you a funny little boy?

Were you a funny little girl?

Yeah.

Were you an annoying little girl? Yeah. Are you an annoying big girl? Yeah. Yeah.

Nothing changed.

Were you an annoying little boy?

Yes. Oh my god. I'm an annoying big boy.

What did you ever get in the most trouble for?

Mhmm. That's a good 1. That's actually good. Do you have yours already? I'm trying to think of the most trouble I ever got in.

I mean, I got I got suspended a lot from school. A lot. 1 time, me and a bunch of guys, there was a new girl. God, I wanna say

Zoey Deschanel?

Yeah. She moved in. And me and Damon Waynes junior

Mhmm.

And, Max. Max Greenfield.

Who else?

And, Of course, Jake. And Jake. Yeah. We all were, like, fucking with her. Yeah.

You were like, what's your

kid there? 1 day, I'll marry 1 of the home improvement guys.

Is that what she sounds like? Yeah. 1 day, I'll marry 1 of the home improvement guys.

What are those guys called? The Try Guys? The Guys. The Try Guys? Property Brothers?

Property bro property bros.

Oh, yeah.

They're making their own video game just like the Mario Bros, the Property Bros.

So horny for twins.

Guy twins. Yeah. Girl twins scare me, but guy twins are hot.

What movie is this from? Twins.

The movie Twins? No. With, Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. No. It's not.

How could we not be brothers? K. Isn't that movie kind of

fucked up? Isn't there, like, a 1000000 doctors that all give their jizz to 1 lady, and then they make, like, a superhuman Danny DeVito?

Mhmm.

Is that the premise of that movie?

No. The premise of the movie is that they were both, orphans, and they were adopted by mama. No. Mama. And they run through a pipe with money.

Mama just killed a man. Okay. What did you do that was so bad? You were there was a new girl at your school.

Oh, there was a new sweet girl on the bus. And, Sweet girl on the bus. And we were just goofing with her. She's got booty next to us. No, girl.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And we are writing stuff on signs just about people on the bus, and she was included in the picking making fun of. And we would hold the signs up to the front of the to the back of the bus so they could all see the stuff that were written on them.

Interesting.

Mean signs, and then couple of guys left some of those afterwards. And then we got in trouble. And then what's going on? You have sciatica?

You know what's happening? My leg's falling asleep.

I have sciatica. So I've

because I pissed myself so bad that this my whole left

leg is soaked in piss. It's all piss?

Yeah. I can't feel it anymore.

It's Cool. We got a little piss leg.

Anyways, would you you know what's really interesting?

My We

had a bunch

of these up here, and then we went to the fucking principal's office. And I you know, when you're not supposed to laugh, and it feels really good to not laugh, you know, when you're holding it, and it's almost worse. Yeah. He was like, for I'm gonna read these off. They're so disgusting.

And for every single 1 you laugh at is another day of suspension. And, dude, we were loving it. I was dying. I had the it was, like, the most fun I've ever had listening to principal be, like, Mike Lowfield is a fat loser. It's just like him reading.

I was, like, why would you do that? But Wait.

I'm so confused. You're you wrote these on the signs, and you're holding up for what?

We we held it up to to to tease her at the beginning, and then we started going after everyone on the bus.

Oh, so you were hoping that whoever you wrote but you're at the back of the bus, I'm assuming?

We're in the front of the bus. So the whole back could see it.

You were giving a PowerPoint presentation on Yeah.

I'm teasing our friends. Yeah. But we were teasing everybody, but she

That sounds really fun.

But she, I think, snitched because she was embarrassed that she was a part of the but it wasn't just at her. It was that a lot of people were getting we just wrote names and wrote nasty shit, and then she's the 1 that went to the principal and then was, like, these boys are teasing me. Also, we teased all of us. Everyone was written on the it was a bunch of people on the side, but we got in some deep fucking that was bad. That was, like, a 6 day suspension for me for vulgarity on the bus or whatever the fuck they whatever term.

My dad was actually, like, what the fuck did you do? And I told him, and he was, like, what? He was, like, I've been

to prison, and that's more fucked up than anything

I ever did. No. My stepdad my my stepdad was, like, almost annoyed because it wasn't a worthwhile suspension. He's, like, that's not a you should if you're gonna get suspended, do something real. He was, like, embarrassed that that's why I got suspended.

He's, like, what a lame way to get suspended.

You know what's really funny is this is not the most trouble I've ever been in, but I did get kicked out of class, and I had to have my parents come in to talk to the teacher over also a sign making thing.

What did you do? That in my we

had mister Jensen was our math teacher, and he used

to say, hway all the time for some reason. Like like like, if

he was doing an equation on the board, he would go, in a in what way would this be hway whatever? He he talked like that.

Fuck you, gents.

So then I had a piece of paper that I turned over the blank side, and I wrote hway in really big letters, like, w h a y. And then every time he said it, I would hold it up,

and the class would laugh. And I put it down and I hold

it up, and he couldn't see what was happening.

Awesome. And then

finally, he caught on to what was happening. He marched over and he ripped it out of my hands. And then I got kicked out of class. And then he called my parents, and they do come in for a meeting. And then at the meeting, he said, Lisa in class, every time I'm teaching, she holds up a sign that says howdy.

He thought the sign said howdy. What? So fucking stupid.

What would the joke even be?

I don't know. He just thought I was holding up a sign that said howdy, and everyone was losing their minds.

Did you never validate? You weren't like, don't do this shit? Oh, yeah. That's what I was doing. It was howdy.

Yeah. Yeah. Sure, cowboy. Yeah. That's what it was.

And then after

I told my parents, I was like, it was actually hoe.

He said, like, stupid. It. That's cool. Actually iconic. Is that the only time you got suspended Or kicked out?

Yeah. I got kicked out of class a lot. I think I had, like, attention problems.

For this? Yeah. Why was it? When your parents got divorced when you were how old? How when you get when your parents get divorced, how old were you?

16.

What's That's tough.

The year see, my my boobs came in. You win some, you lose some.

Yeah. Well, you didn't win that big. So I would wanna say 16 is tough because you're like, that's such a impressionable time in your life. That's a hard I was 2. I didn't know any better.

Yeah.

You didn't

know any better. Or 1. Yeah. But 16's rough. That's so that was a big piece of your cracking out, like, snapping out.

Yeah. But I was kinda snapping before that. I was What was

it before? Well, then what do you think the influence was before that? Why?

I think, honestly, attention problems. Like, I just didn't like listening to people try to teach me things, so I was trying to make my own fun.

Anti authority. Big time. Me too. Also, you're a, you're you're a contrarian by nature? No.

No? Not? Okay. Perfect. Very good.

And then and then brothers, sisters? No.

1 older sister.

Oh, bitch. Hate her. We hate her. How old is she?

She's 2 years older than me.

Okay. So 48.

Yep. She's 40 8.

And she lives where?

She's she was, like, very popular.

Oh, she's the pretty 1.

Yeah. And the You're

the ugly little sister that came trolling around. Oh, fuck you guys. Lisa's here. Can I play with you guys? Oh, Miranda's sister's here.

Can I have some toilet paper? Oh, god. She's always eating toilet paper. Give me Go away, Lisa. Yeah.

Just eating a full roll. And they

would give me, like, 3 squares a a day to use,

and I'd be, like, that's not enough.

But my sister remember the year that, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera kissed in their little wedding dresses?

Dude, I love you. You're fantastic. Wait. Your stupid, ugly older sister, what is that fucking slob up to now?

She's an accountant. She's so smart.

Fucking dork. Blah blah blah blah. Give me my paycheck. Blah blah blah.

Give me my family. Typed on the keyboard. Because you you made the sound blah blah blah.

That's not what they sound like? No. What do they do?

They're kinda more like click click click. But do you have a brother or sister?

Imagine if they did say click click click when you hit them. Click click click click click click click click click click click. I will I Click click click. I have, biologically from just my mom and dad, no. I'm the only 1.

But my step from just my mom and dad, I'm the only 1. But I'm a contrary to pop, you all are really, like I knew it.

That's you.

Sounds like the toilet paper queen mouthing off again. Yeah.

Well Go

get some toilet paper and stuff this cow's mouth full, please.

You're the most nerdiest no glasses glasses man I've ever seen.

I'm wearing them right now.

Yeah. No. You're you're legally blind. Politically, you are.

You're legally blind. That's what you can't see. You're legally blind.

You're legally blind. You legally stink.

Just me, and then I have steps and I mean, haves.

And so is your haves personality based on trying to get the havies to notice you?

No. They were never around. I was, I only lived with 1, and she was 8 years different. So we didn't really live together.

8 years younger or older?

Younger. I older. Idiot. Idiot. Fuckhead.

Moron. Dumbass. What? Dumbass. Idiot.

Fuckhead.

I asked if she was

older or younger than you. Fatty. And then so This is the second time today he's called me fat,

and the first was before we even started

rolling in the car. Yeah. Well, because your car was, like, leaning when you pulled into the parking lot. And I was, like, good God.

This man chased me down the street. He was, like, hey.

Hey. You're currently doing a podcast. Right? Follow me. Yeah.

Right. This dumbass was He walks away from your house. I don't even know what you were doing right now. My houses are off.

Rave me down at a red light.

And was, like, are you coming over, please? She's parking next to a construction site like a fucking moron looking at the signs being, like, where am I? Am I allowed to park here? That's actually exactly what I was doing. But why were you there is

what I wanna know. I was gonna get

coffee and the coffee I texted you about, would you like a coffee and didn't respond to me, fucking loser. Do you really want a coffee? You wanna come on through the pod. Instead of frozen, it's piping hot. The coffee series.

Yeah. Piping hot.

Do you really want a coffee? It'll burn your fucking mouth. We could be the sisters. You know when you burn your mouth when you burn your mouth on something, how how quickly do you go right back to it? Drink or food?

Oh, I get so upset when I burn my mouth.

It ruins how long? A whole day, or is it just a moment of the day? But will you eat the food or drink the drink that you burnt? Will you continue or you stop?

It depends how bad. If I did total completion 100% burn, I'll go right back, of course. But if I have any remaining

Taste buds?

Yeah. I I will wait, like, an I will wait forever until that

goes down. Burn tongue on. Drink or food, top for you. Drink?

Of course.

For me, it's always food. It's pizza. Pizza. Always. I do it every without fail.

I've done it every time.

And that'll get the whole roof of your mouth.

It's awesome, though. But at

least it doesn't get your tongue, though, because crust is cold

Correct. And

cheese is hot.

Right. We gotta flip that. Why don't we make the cheese cold and the crust pipe enough? Hey. Why don't we make them both cold?

Put them in the fridge overnight, Ninja Turtle style.

Hey. Eat a pie. Alright. So listen. I could talk to you for a long time.

It's time to end the podcast.

Yeah. Because here's I think you tried

to do that earlier.

Well, here's why. Okay. A, done with you. B, you've got your bullshit thing that you need to do. And d I'm actually respecting it because it it's it's actually oh, it's longer than I

thought. No. I have 36 minutes, so my timer goes off, but

it's okay. Let's end it. Do you really? Yep. Oh, I thought it was a I thought you just said you said it for a

I said an hour and 54 minutes. I should have

thought it was minutes. If it's an hour and 4 minutes, I was like, well, buddy, you're cooked.

No. No. No. It's fine.

This is really nice. I could do this often with you because you're so playful and fun. And people please watch, Upside Down Chinatown on Hulu. That's the show that she's on. You've actually done a lot.

You're an you're an extremely talented and accomplished, performer, I should say. Because I don't know how to categorize you. Comedian is good?

I don't really know why.

What do you like to say?

I call it

Do you do that on the show? What? You do that Britney bit on the show?

That'll let me see.

You should pitch that to the EPs.

I know.

Unstable with Rob Lowe. She's been on that. Dinosaur port portals. Huge. Jury duty was actually probably the best thing we did.

MTV? Yeah.

Yeah. We got,

Ricky

Stenicky, Family Guy, Beef, Scramble, Kill Tony. Hey. Did you manage to do it?

I wish. Wait. Can I say this? Jury duty was fantastic.

Oh, thank you.

And you worked with a kid that I grew up with. A man a man, I should say, not a chai a kid. Kirk? A man that I grew up with. No.

Who? Keep guessing.

Ronald? James Marsden?

Ross Kimball.

No way.

Yeah. The Kimball.

Are you really as tall as Ross? No. What's the name? Taller than a Ross Kimball?

No. He's tall. He's, like, 6 6. Okay. He's a big guy.

You have a tall personality. Hey. And, you have Friendsgiving come out, so just check out, Andrew Thanksgiving

came out.

Friendsgiving, this year as Thanksgiving's coming up. It could be an awesome movie

That already came out.

To watch with your, with your dry little turkey.

Let's not go through IMDBs. Okay? We don't wanna go pound for pound.

Sorry.

Yeah. That's gonna embarrass you big time. I wasn't trying to compete. I was just saying No. No.

You did. I see what you just did.

I wasn't trying

fun of Friendsgiving? You're making fun of Friendsgiving.

No. I was saying because

it's Thanksgiving now. Produced and ex and and distributed that film. You distributed it? What are you? A VCR?

I'm VHS.

Oh, sorry.

Honestly, I hope the show I hope the show runs simp? I I hope the show runs for, a long time on Hulu. I really do for your sake.

A series of things.

I hope it runs for a long time. Thanks. Will it ever be the highest watched comedy, on Hulu's history like Dave? No. And that's okay.

That's okay. But I do hope to see you again soon because I think you're fantastically funny, and I hope the world, continues to enjoy you for, whatever your next journey is. You are someone I'm calling out in a very soosaying way. I can't wait to see how big you get. I've said it to our friends.

We have mutual friends. We we don't we're not we don't know each other, but we have mutual friends. It's funny. Like, Glassman's 1 of my oldest buddies, and I've talked about you and other friends. I'm not gonna mention names on here because there's a few other people that don't wanna be mentioned in the same conversation as you because of your allegations.

But, talked about how, from afar, how much I admire you and your work, and I think you're fantastic. I really do. I know you don't like compliments, but

I never said that.

Oh, really? Your agent emailed and said, don't give her compliments. Oh. That's an internal thing.

Yeah.

But I do think you're incredible, and I can't wait to see, like, you explode. I don't know what whatever they got for you lined up. Whatever the machine has,

That's so nice. Thank you. I hope

you explode too.

I hope you explode too.

I already blew up. It's over.

Oh, no. I meant, like, I hope someone puts a little bomb in your bed.

No. No. I mean, I already blew up as in, like, I had my little pop, and then I'm going away.

Oh, you think you're going away now?

This is it.

This is your big goodbye?

I'm a shooting star, dude. I'm a shooting star.

I don't believe that. You are

Shooting star, which means I already died. You're just seeing me on my descent. Oh. I've been dead for fucking 785 years. No.

I believe you know what? Let's reframe it. I think you are more of, like, a glow in the dark star. You're stuck on the ceiling. You're there for good, adored by little boys and girls everywhere.

I'd rather be adored by adults, but thank you so much.

The house lights on fire and you get you're all goopy and you fall off and they bulldoze the house. Here's to you.

Alright. Well, you can see this fat cow on Insecure Chinatown, now on Hulu. Please look in that camera right there, and we end the show the same way with 1 word or 1 phrase. Whenever you're ready

I was supposed to get some whiskey.

We were going to. You said you didn't wanna drink. No. I didn't. In the text message, I said, do you wanna have a drink?

You said no. No. I didn't. Read it back. You owe me.

Do you want a sip? Yes. Tim, we should've been drinking the whole show. Oh, you fool. Dude, I didn't know you I thought you didn't wanna drink.

I said it sounds perfect, exclamation mark.

I thought you're being facetious.

Now we're now we're gonna now we're gonna finish with a little

Yeah. We have to.

Clinky and a drinky.

No. Because I didn't think you wanted to, seriously. It's 6 AM. I thought you didn't wanna drink at 6 in the fucking morning. Sorry.

Give mommy her glug glug.

How much do you want? Say when. That's good. Stop when. Well, you do that to yourself, smartass.

Cheers. Cheers. Talisa Gilroy.

Tandru Centeno.

Talisa Gilroy. 1 of the best cucks we've had on the show. You can sip it. You don't have to chug it. Oh.

God, that's good.

It tastes like a hairspray and it burns my eyes.

What do you gotta do today? Do you have anything important?

No. Good. Just a phone call.

It's getting fucking trashed.

Phone call in 30 minutes and 49 seconds.

Was someone important? Mhmm. Oh, is it really? Tell me. We'll cut it.

No. It's just my with my team.

Oh, you're a team, your agents, and your lawyers, and your managers. Yeah.

They were like, warning warning. We wanted to warn you to not do something, but I was like, I'll talk to you after this, but it might have been the podcast.

This was definitely a

Did you finish yours?

No. Not yet. You don't have to. You can sip it slow. We can finish it after the pod's over.

Slip it slow and pick it up slow when I back 1 time and I write 1. Slap it slow. Slow. I get to the moon cuffs on the song. I was the money and the back and the

You know that song?

That's it.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

Who are that creature in the ginger beer?

Sturdy, ginger. Like that, the ginger gene is a curse.

Ginger's a pugesist. You owe me $5

for the whiskey,

Ginger. I like gingers.