Transcript of Monty Franklin Down Under! | Whiskey Ginger

What up, Whisky Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. Leave a comment down below for the Algo Rhythm. Let people know I'm down under. My guest is Monty Franklin, a Australian comedian who's been masquerading as one of us living in the United States for a while. He's great, though. I'm still down under right now. I'm taking some time down. Next up is Singapore. If you're in Singapore, come see me and Bobby Lee. We're doing one show in Singapore, one show only. And go to badfundspod. Com. Then I return to the United States of America, the good old US of A, where I go to New Orleans, San Antonio, and then it's Cremens, Cremens and Kwanza. Then I go Chicago Theater, Durham, Atlanta, Charleston, Philly, New York, Phoenix, San Francisco, we added a show, San Diego, we added a show, Boston, we added a show, and Minneapolis, we added another show. Go to AndrewSantino. Com. Thank you guys for all your love. I appreciate I appreciate you. Come out and see your boy, AndrewSantino. Com.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers? Oh, hell no.

This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.

Ladies, gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Junior. My guest today is one of my favorite people I heard they say that from my guest, but a mini once again today. We are Down Under with Monty fucking Franklin, mate. Down Under. Does that sound good? My accent's not bad.

It's actually pretty good. When you did on stage last night, I was like, All right, it's pretty good. You and Rob Schneider do a pretty good Australian accent.

You're comparing me to Schneidi?

Yeah, you're in the same category.

Me and Rob Schneider have the same accent ability?

Yeah. You and one of the greatest comedic actors of all time, Rob Schneider, have a good Australian accent. All right.

I All right. I like Rob. I'm just saying I've been working on it a lot. Yeah. That's fine. No big deal. You come right on the show and you insult me right away. I'm not good enough. I thought it was-I'm not good enough for you.

I thought it was a compliment.

Yeah, I guess that's true. Kind of. But we don't want to be compared to anybody. Do you want to be compared to people?

Sometimes.

Who? Who do you want to be compared to?

Michael Jordan. You never want to see me play ball and you go, You know what? You know who you remind me of?

You're Michael Jordan. What are you doing over there? Micone is testing a little bit of white balance. We're in my hotel room here.

Why is there a yellow stain on it and a bit hard?

That came like that when I got to the room. Oh, yeah.

No, these hotels come with those tails. You're right.

We're broadcasting live from Australia with my boy, Monty Franklin, down in Sydney right now. We're doing a five-city tour here in Australia. You were nice enough to do a spot for us last night in the ICC Theater.

How was that? You were nice enough to give me this spot. The place is unreal. Pretty cool. It's what? It's an 8,000-seat venue. Doesn't it feel like it's a perfect 300, 400-seater?

I don't know about 400, but it doesn't feel like 8,000.

It doesn't feel like a chasm of a thing.

It is pretty impressive to see. The one thing I'll note, and you're not from Sydney, you're a Melbourne guy. Yeah.

But what you'll find about Australia, and people get upset when I say this, is Australia is just Australia. If you're from Australia, you're from Australia. Americans love to say, I'm from Chicago or I'm from You guys are very town-specific. But if we go overseas anywhere, we're really first and foremost, we're just Australians everywhere. Except when you go to Western Australia and Perth, and they will want to distance themselves from the Eastern side of the country. You'll see.

They've done a good job. It's like 4,000 miles away. Yeah.

Perth is the most secluded capital city on Earth.

I can't wait to go. I do want to go over there. I am excited for that. I know what you're saying, though. We differentiate because Boston to Miami is dramatically different kinds of It's amazing. You guys have...

Yeah.

It's all white. It's mostly all white.

It's mostly, yeah. Yeah. All right. Yes. I was going to try and defend us, and then I just went, Now, you know what?

I noticed that Last night, we talked about it, doing, for lack of a better word, racial comedy or racial jokes, they get a little tight.

Yeah.

A little tight, which is funny because, and we said this, this was the That's my breakdown of it. Because there's not enough... Because you're not imbrewed with so many other cultures the way that America is. Look, there's a lot of Asians down here, and there's a lot of indigenous, right?

Look, there's not a lot of indigenous, not as many as African-Americans in America that are… Yeah. But you guys don't have that culture. We have a definite different historical racial history in this country. When you talked about it last night and the integration of black and white and the way that we bounce off jokes with each other and give each other's culture shit and stuff like that in America, that doesn't exist here. I know. It's so weird. But what we do have that with is with Italians and stuff like that. What? Yeah, we call them Wogs, and they'll call us Skip. Skip was a kangoo TV show when we grew up. That's what the Wogs will call the Australians. What's a Wog? A Wog is an Italian, a Greek. What does the acronym stand for? You know what? I tried to look that up once.

He's going to look it up right now. Because you know in America, if you call an Italian a WOP, W-O-P, it stands for without papers. That's the historical acronym.

That's what I thought it was. But WOG, and look, it's not a derogatory term. Wog will call themselves.

That's not an insult?

No.

What does WOG stand for? He's going to Google it right now. The kids on it. No. Wog is a racial slur used in British English to black and South Asian people and in Australian English to people from the Mediterranean region. What does the acronym stand for? It is racial. It's racially charged.

Yeah, but it doesn't have the same connotations. Italian comedians I know do a big show called The Waguih Christmas, and there's a movie called The Waguih. They call each other Waguih.

Yeah, but it's like how if a black guy says the N-word on an album.

No, it's definitely not N-word. Not even in the close realm.

That thing is so squigy and loud.

I've just said it four times on your podcast. I'm not going to say it if it's close to that. Whatever, man.

My ancestors will be pissed about it. The origin of the term is unclear. It's unclear. It's an acronym for Wiley Oriental Gentlemen.

Yeah.

Western-orientated gentleman working on government service orders. Here's the deal. The fact that you don't know makes it immediately racist. You guys don't even fucking know. If you don't even know what it means, then clearly something's afoot.

No, because we're so Cavalier with it, and it's such a friendly thing that I didn't need to look into and go, Let's make sure this is okay. I just knew that it was all right.

I get it. I get it. I get it. Well, it's funny because WAP, I'm Italian, but if somebody said WAP in this... You know what it is? Racial epithets are only good for the time that they really sting somebody. Not all of them, but WAP. If you called an Italian a WAP today, it's not going to hit the same.

No. Yeah.

60 years ago, it might have been like, Yeah, WAP, and they're like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they might have started to fight. If you said I'll say that to any member of my dad's side of my family, they'd be like, What? It's so outdated. It's not even an insult anymore. It is interesting. Wog is your all-encompassing non-racial racial identifier, but it's not racist.

I don't think so. Phone in if I'm wrong.

Yeah, believe it in the comments below. It's mostly Americans. They don't know the difference.

Everyone just, This guy's an idiot.

But I did like to see how racial jokes played out here. It was wild to watch Because I do know that the last time I was down in Australia, I did a show in Melbourne at that comic Lounge.

Comics Lounge, yeah.

It was the same vibe where there was… We talked about this last night that people go, Oh, do you change your jokes. No, I don't change my material no matter where I go. I don't care. It's going to be the same. It's funny everywhere. But there are certain references that we talked about last night that's like, they just don't know what that is.

Yeah, but they give you the benefit of the doubt. They think for a second in your head, and then they put it together and they go, Oh, II don't even know what that is.

They give you a little bit of love, but the references are gone. They're like, I don't even know what that means, but I think I know what it means. Well, you did a joke last night, and I don't want to do any of your jokes.

I don't want to do any of my jokes.

Yeah, trust me. I wouldn't either. No, but you did one about happy birthday. That's so funny because that would do well in both America and Australia. It does much better here because they grew. Yeah, but it's still funny there. Do you know what I mean? We just don't have... The hook isn't as strong because for Americans because we don't know how much that meant to you at singing Happy Birthday and the way you do it differently here.

But I found that with comedy over the last 20 years working in the industry, for instance, I know Chris Rock is a legend. I know his comedy is unreal. But you hate that he's black.

Just say it. No, just say it. He's a WONG. What? Oh, my God. He did it again. Oh, my God. I said it. Number one, he's a legend and what?

The jokes don't hit me the same way that they hit you.

Dude, I thought about that, too.

The The whole bring back the pain, that was his one, was it?

Bring the pain.

Bring the pain. I remember sitting there going-That's like a polite Australian way.

Bring back the pain.

Bring back the pain, if you could. Come on back. That pain was all right. Come on, mate. Come on back.

I'll have some more of Bring the pain. Bring the pain.

I remember watching it thinking, This is great. I get this is awesome, but it wasn't hitting me the same way that it would hit an American who grew up in that culture.

Yeah, it just doesn't have that. I thought about that when we We were talking the other night about great American comedians, and I was like, I wonder, especially someone like Chapelle or guys that are polarizing in their approach in a great way where they talk about stuff that's so inherently American issues. I wonder how it lands here.

It lands in the way that we want to be part of that conversation and feel like we do, but we don't know it on the same level that you do.

You didn't grow up, you didn't see it growing up.

You didn't see it. You don't instantly relate your friend blah, blah to the thing and you feel it much deeper. We feel it on a we're watching a movie and all this is America thing. I understand America. You don't really because you weren't there. You didn't I grew up with it all around you, but we grew up with it on TV and stuff. We know enough of it to relate, but not enough that it's really ingrained in us, and we're like, got it.

It doesn't really do the thing for you. All right, what's your... By the way, you revealed yourself last night as a true American.

I, of course, revealed myself on stage.

Yeah, as a true American. Yeah, he pulled his penis out like a true American. That's what we do when we come down. But you did something last night that I found as funny because I've known you for, I don't know, I'd like to say it's got to be 10 years now, right? At least. You've lived in LA or you lived in America, at least for long enough now, where you've experienced both cultures so much that you have a little bit of American in you. What's the thing you miss the most Australian culture? What's the thing you found that you love the most about American culture? That you're like, Yeah, that's cool that they have that. We don't have it, and vice versa.

There is a laidback nature here to people in general, and I think that's something-Morso than Los Angeles, you think?

You think they're more laid back in the laziness of LA?

Yeah, there is. I like going into a random bakery here, and there's a nice Australian mother There's a lovely woman there who's genuinely concerned about me. She goes, What do you... And I go, I live in LA. And she goes, Oh, you be careful over there. Actually, he cares about me. That's a thing in Australia that I really do miss. I miss the culture of the people when they're caring for each other because they can also be dickheads and turn on you pretty quick.

I was going to say we saw that a lot last night, too. A lot of dickheads.

There's a lot of dickheads here. A lot of dickheads. There's dickheads everywhere around the world, but there was a lot at your show.

You guys are the most fun dickheads, though. I will say that. Australians are fucking fun. They don't take themselves that serious. They know how to take a joke, which I love. In America, a lot of times people are quick to be, offended is not the right word, but they're quick to be off put. You're like, Let it go, dude. It's not real. It's all fake. This is all a joke.

That's the laidback that I'm talking about. Yeah, I like that a lot. All right, mate. We're all here having fun. It doesn't matter. There's a lot of that going on.

What's the thing you found in America that you're like, Man, I do really like this, and we don't do that in Australia?

I tell you what Americans do that is good, that we don't do here, is you will build an individual up and encourage them to succeed at the highest level they can. For instance, you will build up a Tom braided. My God, he's a goat. You love to build up someone. Here we cut people down. It's called tall poppy syndrome. If you try and do something out of the grain, everyone goes, Look at this dickhead wearing a shirt that's not the same as all our other shirts. Or look at this dickhead trying to… When I first started doing stand up here, my mates all cut me down as opposed to being supportive. We were in our early 20s, and no one's ever supportive in their early 20s.We.

Did the same thing in America.We did the same thing in America. It's the exact same thing back home.Oh.

It is? Okay.yeah. But I do like that Americans will encourage individuals and talk them up, whereas here, you get shut down a lot. Unless you're Hugh Jackman, who's the king of the country, where everyone goes, It's Hugh. Everyone else It has to be the same.

How did he make it through then? How's he one of one?

He's so good.

Yeah, but so many people. There's got to be more talented people here.

Yeah, but they've all got to go over to America. You think about it. The talent that stays here can only be capted so much. Then, put it this way, Margot Robbie couldn't get work here. She had to go to America to become Bobby.

Margot Robbie. Yeah. She's so good, too.

She's so great.

Yeah, she's so talented.

Chris Hensworth and all the Australians that go over and have the opportunity to Excel in fucking Disneyland. That's what America is. The whole of America is Disneyland for us. You think, oh, my God, this glitz and glitz, and you do, and you go there and it's big and everything's there. It's so cliché, but there is opportunity everywhere. I mean, shit, you can build a podcast and sell out bloody arenas.

We're entrepreneurs. We promote entrepreneurial. That is the number one American thing is like, hustling is what I love about that I see that? I see it at other I've been to a lot of places, but what I do love is you go to a major Metropolitan area, a big city. People are making money so many different ways, and it's cool to watch. No one has to do shit. Go to New York. So many people are making money so many different ways. It's a constant funneling of economy. Whether or not you like that, it depends on if you're a capitalist or not. But I think it's fucking great because people have the opportunity without having all of the resources to still make money. You don't have to be a brilliant person to make a lot of money in America. You don't even have to be fucking educated. You can find a way to make money in the slot that you're good at. That's what I find to be cool. Whenever I go to big cities in America, I'm always like, Isn't this crazy how many people are making money hustling a million different ways?

I always think that. I look at stores and stuff, and I'm like, There is so many different things. See, we don't have the population here. We've got the population of California and the whole country. No shit.

Yeah. What's California is what? 29 million or something?

Yeah, and that's what Australia is. Wow. Yeah. And so you think about it, and you've been here. There's Melbourne, Sydney, and Brisbane, and then Perth, and then there's nothing.

I mean, Adelaide-You don't want to say Adelaide at all?

Yeah, but they're small. The population is small.

Shout out to Adelaida. You know I like you very much. I'm going to show them next week. Killing your own show. Australia population, 26 million.

Oh, there you go.

California, 38.9 million. We're 38. I thought we were only 30 million. 38.9 million. Out of 2023.

There you go. You think about if you were here and all you could do in America is just tour around California, which is actually You could actually do that. You could actually do that. But that is the cap of what you can do in this country. If you're a comedian touring around, you got a few major cities, whereas you could literally tour around Florida for the whole year, and there is enough work to sustain 50 weeks of comedy.

You could do it. I don't know if you'd want to do it forever. You'd probably want to spread your wings. But there's a guy, do you know who Bob Marley is? Do you know who that is? Not... Yeah, man. Not that Bob Marley.

No, I don't know who you're talking about.

Bob Marley, for people that don't know, is a very famous comedian in our world who's been around for, I don't know, 40-some-odd years. I don't even know now. But he specifically only tours, from what I know, I could be being ignorant, but in the northeast part of the country. He stays around the New England, New York. He stays in the northeast, and he is the king out there.

He sells out. Does a few would do that? Would you say Dave Attell would do the same thing?

No, Attell is everywhere, man. Yeah. Attell is all over the place. Attell just bases out of New York. Because the East Coast is so condensed, you can make a lot of money touring around just the West Coast. You can do... There's a million spots to get to that are easy. But because we live on the stupid West Coast, like idiots, it takes us forever to get anywhere. So you can't... Between California and the middle of the Midwest, how many shows are in fucking Colorado? That's it. Denver. You do Colorado Springs. Then you can't do Montana. You can't do the Dakotas. You know what I mean? There's not enough to sustain. But there's guys like Bob Marley who just want to plant over there, and they can do it. But I know what you mean. Every Australian I know, they all say the same thing, is that once you've gotten some momentum here, you got to get out. You have to go to America and try.

If you want to do bigger things, otherwise, you are comfortable here doing a nice radio show and you've got a little bit of a presence and a bit of money in the bank and you're happy and content, and you do that. Nothing wrong with that, too. Nothing wrong with that. But if you've got aspirations, I've always wanted to make a movie. That's all I've ever wanted to do since I was a kid.

You're making one. We talked about it. We're not going to give it away, but you're making one. I I am.

It's taken this long, but it took me... I had to go to America to do it on the scale that I wanted to do it and get the people involved that I wanted to do it. You just can't do it that from here.

Isn't that the irony that I came down here to shoot a movie? I know. It's like you make it in America only so you can leave to shoot movies everywhere else. Vancouver, Budapest, here. I don't do anything in America anymore. That's a huge, that's a whole another issue. But what's funny is I found that everyone I've met that has come from Australia. Actually, side note, do you guys claim Mel Gibson or no?

Because you know he is. I do. Well, he was born in America, but then raised in Australia. If you look back at a film called Gallipoli, he has a thick Australian accent in that. He's fantastic.

Do you know this movie? I got to look this up. Galipoli.

Galipoli. It's about-He's a young guy in this movie, obviously.

Yeah. 20s or something?

Yeah, it's World War I. It's about It's these two sprinters that go and work as runners to relay messages on the battlefield. It's him and his mate. It's obviously tragic war story and stuff, but he's full Australian in it.

Outside of all the death.

Outside of the horrific death of nature. Other than that, it's a great film.

Fantastic movie.

Mel Gibson in Galipoli.

Galipoli. We claimed Mel Gibson as ours until the-Incident. Yeah, the... What was it? Sugar Tits, the Sugar Tits, Jew Cop thing, whatever. Then we gave him back to you. We were like, No, he's Australian. Don't do that.

Well, we did that a little bit with Russell Crowe, too, because he was born in New Zealand, but then raised here.

He lives here now?

Yes.

I went to his house. Did you really? Crazy story that we'll never tell. We know. We I actually told it on the podcast on Bad Friends a few times, but we've taken it out every time. Really? Yeah, I don't need it. I don't need the bullshit.

I don't need that in my life.

But a crazy, weird, wild night of like...

You'll be telling me that afterwards.

That's funny. Yeah, 100%. He's a polarizing guy. I I will say that. That's not negative or positive. He is very much... Back in the day when someone would be like, a star walks in the room, you knew that that was a movie star or whatever. With him, it's we walked into his room in his house, and it's very clear that he is the public master. You know what I mean? Really? Everything is his. Really? It's me. This is my party.

Do you think to some degree to have that level of Oscar, to have that level, like again, to Michael Jordan and stuff, you have to be that person, perhaps?

Yeah, that is always the... People say that all the time. It's like, well, you got to be insane to get to the top. And to some degree, you do. Hold on one second. Someone knocking at the door.

In here, we pour whiskey.

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I like ginger. He thinks we're shooting a fucking porno, I bet now.

And by the way, we are. After this, I told you, you are sucking when this is over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but the building up of these monolithic people, I do think you do need to be... I wouldn't say you need to be like... It's an old cliché of like, you need to be depressed to be a good comedian. That's completely untrue. No, that's not true. That's a bullshit cliché. No. You need to have some... You need to be... Comedians are very intelligent, extremely intelligent. I've met guys that I'm like, wow, this guy. You can tell that their brain works at the speed of light. Or you're a broken idiot like us. You're a broken moron. You're one of the two to be good. You You don't need to be like... You don't need to have trauma or so much pain in your life to be a good comic, but you need to have a viewpoint on the world that comes from something specific. Could be trauma, could be brilliance. It could be a complete disconnect from reality. You feel like you're not like everyone else. So, yes, to be the best at something, you must be a little different.

You can't be a run-of-the-mill person. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying you can't be a normal archetype in society and Excel at whatever you're doing because that wouldn't make any sense. You'd have to be a little bit more unique than everybody. It doesn't mean it's better because, by the way, usually it's a curse. You look at someone like Hunter S. Thompson. He was a fucking genius, but what a broken brain. And he was brilliant. He saw the world in this really distorted lens, showed it to everybody, and then we were like, You're the man. He's like, I'm dying.

Most artists are like that. They're struggling, and then we have their art in museums everywhere, marveling at it, and they were terribly fucked up people.

100%. You don't need to be like, shattered. But I do think you need to be off kilter. You're definitely not normal, and that's okay. You're not normal. We're not normal. That's fine. We do normal shit. I went to the gym, I get a coffee. I do normal stuff. But the way that this thing works and the way we think doesn't make us superior. Just we're weird. We're a little off. But that's why it's really-We said the thing when we were a kid that our parents were like, Why would you say that?

Yeah, but then when you When you get to this level and you start meeting other people like that and the conversations that we can have in the green rooms, that is a very different conversation than you can have with any of your funny friends, too.Right. Yeah, it's different.You can't. I was talking about it with someone, and it's almost like playing tennis. You're playing tennis against one of your very funny friends, but they're a different level, and you have to lower your game so that you have a good game with them, right? But then when you get to hang out with another or Theo Vons here or something, suddenly your game's lifted and you're like, oh, shit, I'm playing tennis. Come on.

You're playing pickleball with your funny friends. You're playing tennis with us. You're playing tennis. By the way, you don't do this. Do you do pickleball? This is swept the world.

No.

I can't.

No, I can't.

I haven't even tried it. And then everyone's like, You got to try. You have to do it.

I don't want to try it in case I do turn into one of these pickleheads. You will, though. Yeah, probably. It'll probably be unreal.

You'll be a pickleman in no time. Tennis, I'm fine. Tennis, I can do. But I have no interest in that game because I don't know, the challenge of tennis is hard enough. I think tennis is extremely difficult to be good at. Even that is the challenge that I like because I'm nowhere near being good at tennis, but I'm good enough to just play it. Me too.

You're a pretty all-around sports guy.

You can do everything decently. I was lucky that I was athletic my whole life. Tennis, to me, is the one that is the hardest. It is? Well, because my instinct, I played baseball and golf, so my instinct is to hit the fucking shit out of it. Right. Do you know what I mean? But tennis is so much finesse. It's power and finesse, which baseball and golf are, too. But there's something about tennis. When you play a really good tennis player, it shakes your world how precise you have to be to be good at tennis. You're like, Holy fuck. How did you get that over the net right to that spot? It's remarkable. It is good. When you play someone good at tennis, it does. I play a million guys. I played with pro golfers. I have friends that are pros, and it's impressive. Not like when I've watched a A ranked tennis player player. Yeah, because the power and strength and the targeting of it, for some reason, because you can see it with golf, someone has a great golf shot. On accident, an average idiot can hit a phenomenal golf shot on accident once in a while.

You know how many people have holes in ones that are terrible at golf?

Yeah.

I got a buddy who's dog shit. He has three. You know what I mean? It happens. It just can happen. In tennis, that's not a real thing. You can't be dog shit and hit a phenomenally perfect 75 miles an hour shot to one little corner. That's never going to happen.

That's interesting. I've always thought about 10 pin bowling that way. When I watch it, they're getting strike after strike. I'm like, this is good. But by mistake, my mom can get a strike in bowling. My mom would never in her life be able to shoot a three pointer in basketball. If my mom would just... Never. But she could accidentally get a strike. That's true. To watch them get strike after strike, I'm like, This is good. But it's the same when I I watch kite surfing.They're not doing enough.What.

Did he just say?

Jesus Christ. You don't know what I just said?

Russell Cri... No, Mel Gibson. Jesus, get out of here. No, no. Kite, kite, kite, kite, kite, kite, Kite surfing, thank you.Go ahead.The other one. No, kite surfing. What about it?

Well, I look at it and it doesn't impress me enough to go, Oh, my God, this is incredible. I think you need to be jumping over like, crew ships on those things. Yeah, you do. You need to up it a bit. That's true. When I watch snowboarding because I don't snowboard and they're doing massive. I'm like, Wow, that is incredible. But no one on a kite surfer yet, I've gone, Oh, my God, I can't believe they're doing that. You need to step it up.

Well, it's because you're also like, you're still tethered to a kite. So the freedom isn't there. Yeah, that's right.

You're still You're still flying a kite.

You're still flying a kite.

You're still Mary Buffins at heart.

Put a lolly in your fucking mouth while you fly your kite surfing. Do you ski then? You don't snowboard, but you ski?

No, I don't really like the snow. You don't do anything on the mountains. I've done I've been snowboarding a couple of times, but I think I've got to a point in my life where I'm just pretending for my friends that I like it. I don't need it.

I love that. I don't need that. By the time you reach 40, you start to go. I actually don't like doing that, and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Yeah, I don't need to fulfill you. We can go do something else. You're my mate, but I don't need to go to the mountain with you.

Where does it snow in Australia? There is a couple of spots that it will snow.

Yeah, there's a couple of spots. But not often. Closest to here is... The Blue Mountains will get a bit of snow and stuff, but there's...

Not enough to ski, though.

Yeah, but no. You know when you go to Big Bear and it's the end of the season, that's the best that we'll get.

Slushy. Yeah.

But New Zealand is two-hour flight, and that's world-class. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, that's different. But that's way more south than here, right?

Yeah, but I mean, a two-hour If you're about to go ski perfect conditions is probably worth it if you're going to do it.

That's what most people do in America anyway. You can drive in California. We can drive up toMammoth.Mammoth, yeah. That's pretty good. But you'd rather just jump on a plane for an hour and 40 minutes and go to Colorado, if you're really, or Utah. If you really want. You really want the fun. See, I love it. I fucking love it.

You do what? Snowboarding?

I've done both. As a kid, the first thing I learned was snowboarding, oddly enough, because a bunch of my teenage friends did I did it, and then I learned how to ski. But now I'm an old man. I probably should just ski, but I do love snowboarding.

When you first started when you were a kid, was that when snowboarding first started, too?

Well, yeah, right. We're the same age. The popularity of snowboarding, it was because of skateboard culture. When I was a kid in the '90s, skateboarding lent itself so easily to... That every kid that skateboarded wanted to snowboard because it was also... It was very anti-authority. It's against the ski world. Ski culture was like rich, snooty, fucking Aspen. And snowboard felt like rats on the mountain. You were a rat in the street on a skateboard, you were a rat on the mountain with a board, too, even though snowboarding is unbelievably expensive. I mean, it's a fucking rip-off.Oh, yeah. The gear, the lift passes, the flight, the hotel. It's all a rip-off. You have to have money to do it anyway.

Yeah, that is an elite-level sport.

Where skateboarding was so cheap.

Now, you get $100 deck. We all wrap bag skaters here for sure when we were kids, but that went into surfing as opposed to the snowboarding side.

But also surfing, the board is expensive. After that, it's not expensive, but the board is expensive as shit.

Yeah, but you got to travel to surf. You can't really stay at your home break and just surf every day. You got to spend money on trips. Yeah, you have to.

Well, see, it's funny because guys like Malibu guys that I know, there's a bunch of Malibu guys that are comics. They surf every morning, and they've been doing it for, I don't know, seven, eight years since I've been hearing about it. Yeah, they're shit. Oh, wow. You hear that? Daniel Tosh and all your friends?

I'll surf. Daniel Tosh.

Listen up. Monty Franklin says you're shit.

Eddie. I've surfed with Eddie before.

How about Tosh? Is Tosh good or no?

Tosh is all right, but he's still...

What about Lachland Patterson? He's great. No. I love this shit.

I come from Australia. No.

So you're better than all these guys?

Yeah.

I love this shit, dude. I fuck it because I don't surf, so I just hear them talk about it all the time, and I have no connection I'm not going to it.

Here's the thing. But you're calling out the boys. I'm going to get so much trouble for saying this.

If you're better, you're better.

California for surfing, you think? Oh, California is where the surf is. California surf is shit.

It is terribly shit. I think people that live in California know the surf is not That's great.

In comparison. A lot of them think Malibu, for instance, is perfect, but it's tiny. The surf is this small. The waves are weak. If you really want to surf in America, you got to go to Hawaii, which is that's the best thing in the world. That's king shit. Yeah, that I've heard. I'm not even going to compare myself to anyone there.

What about Central America? Have you ever been there?

Yeah, I surfed in Nicaragua and around Costa Rica and stuff.

Costa Rica is the shit. I went down to Costa Rica and he showed me this. The guy who was showing us around me this area, and I'm so dumb because my brain always forgets. But in translation, it means Death Bay or not Death Bay, or like, fuck, something like that. Because all these tourists will come from all over the world, and they think they can surf this shit. Even expert surfers are like, I'll fuck that shit up. The locals are like, Okay, okay. Really? Okay. Because I guess the break is so... It's by Emmanuelle and Antonio. Do you know Emmanuel Antonio on the west side? I know that area. I'll look up the beach later. But the guy said the break is so quick and hard and the angle is so tough coming off of the rocks, I guess, that people get fucked up real bad from it.

Well, they There's places here that are probably worse than that.In Sydney in particular.Danger-wise. Danger-wise. They are breaking onto... There's a place called the Rocks here. I think it's called.Pretty literal. Yeah, quite literally. But I'll show you footage of this wave. You're actually like, I can't believe they're doing this.

It's foolish, almost. Completely foolish. That's the one where they go out with the wave runner and they tow you out on a wave runner?

But guys paddle into it, too. Fucking nuts. There's a group of guys here from Maroubra that go I wouldn't surf this spot, and it's death. It is crazy that I wouldn't surf it. What do you do? I'm here talking myself up at a level, but most people that surf in Australia that are doing it properly are really very good surfers.

What size waves do you do?Me?Yeah.

You guys measure them differently. I like about a 4-6-foot wave.

Why do we measure differently? What does that mean?

We in Australia and Hawaii both measure the waves from the back of the wave, and most Californians and stuff will measure it from the front. They say the face of the wave was 12 foot. The actual wave is four and a half foot, and that's what it actually is. It's confusing sometimes, but the easiest way to say is like double overhead. I like a wave that's about double overhead.

So it's 12 feet, 12 foot.

Yeah, but from behind the wave, it'll probably be about six.It's.

Cut it in half.Yeah.It's just your regular height? Kind of, yeah. Yeah, this is so fucking confusing for no reason.

It is a bit confusing for no reason.

Why isn't it globally just accepted that it's one size? I don't know. If you go to Central America and you surf, do they say it your way or American way?

They say both. They'll say it's 6 foot, 10 foot face and stuff like that. 10 foot face. Very annoying.

Just fucking pick a side.

Just pick a fucking wave size. But Hawaiian and Australians do the same. That's generally what it is. If you're surfing, but then in surfing terms, if you say a solid 6 foot, that means it's 6, but there's 8, 9, 10 is coming through, but the baseline is 6. If anyone says to you it's a solid 6-foot out there, it's a big day.

That's a good day.

Yeah. That's a little bit of shit yourself because, oh, fuck, here comes a 10 footer.

What's the biggest freak out, though, is that when you throw under, when you get crashed under, that sucks the most?

No, that's not too I think just normal shit goes through your head. If the board smacks you in your head and you're unconscious and you drown, or you're going to hit the reef.

Normal shit, dude. Just regular ass shit. Knock myself unconscious, lose my teeth. No To your head, tooth loss? Anybody you know knock out a tooth from the board? No. I feel like that would be my fear is knocking out my fucking teeth. Really? Yeah, just because-The vanity. Yeah. Well, they're terrible already. I don't need them even fucking worse. I have shitty teeth. I don't need worse teeth than they already have. I'm I'm at a basement level. I don't need to go subterráne with my mouth. You're a solid six. I chipped up my teeth so much for so long. I'm a seven, but thank you.

But I said solid. You didn't...

That means you-I know. I got the reference, but the tens are coming. No, I chipped up my teeth so much over the years in sports. So much. I have bonding on four of my teeth capped.

Yeah. What sports are knocking your teeth at?

Well, basketball. I played basketball my whole life, and that was always-Basketball?

What? Elbow in the face.

Yeah, a lot of I suppose when you're not in. I mean, I was aggressive. I love to be down under. I love banging boards. I thought it was so fun being in the gut of it all. Then you get older and you're like, I don't want to fucking catch a black eye. It's just annoying.

Wow, I never thought about basketball like that. I guess when you're gritty and gruff and doing it on the streets of New York, you're going to get smacked in there. Should I not have done that?

Just the way you say it. Gritty gruff on the streets of New York. Hardcore. Hardcore New York. No, you know what it really is? Basketball has had this bullshit attachment to not being a tough sport.

They say it's not a contact sport.

It's fucking insane. Go play it. Go play with talented ball players.

It's like Waterpoll.

Have you ever done that? They'll beat the shit out of you. Under the water, they are smacking you. They beat the shit out of you.

They beat the shit out But any basketball that's at a high level...

Here's the problem. At streetball level, it's more aggressive because it's unhinged. They're not talented enough to control their bodies. You'll get way more injuries at amateur basketball because people don't know what the fuck they're doing. I had I had a bruised vertebrae. I almost broke my neck when I was in high school. I fell on my neck. I went up for a rebound, and a guy took out my legs because he was out of control. I landed on my neck, and I got a severe concussion. I vomited, and I lost my vision for a couple of hours. It was fucking wild. Jesus. Yeah, I almost broke my fucking neck. Also, my buddy Tom called my mom, and he's like, Don't freak out. But Andrew's in the hospital, and he threw up everywhere, and there's blood. My mom was like, Don't freak out. What a shitty folk.

You start with, Don't freak out.

I didn't have the smartest friends when I was a kid. Tom, you idiot. Yeah. Tom. Tom. Tommy. Anyway, but basketball is a super aggressive, super aggressive sport. The more talented people are around you, the more in control, aggressive you can be.

That's one of the sports that I've watched down at Santa Monica Beach when I first went to America, and it blew my mind how good they were. Oh, bro. And how it orchestrated it was and the passes. It was choreography. It was a buddy dance. I was just sitting there going, This is incredible. It's like, White men can't jump.

The original good movie. That's why black people are so good at it because it is like dance. It's like dancing. It's dancing with a ball. We had a guy last night. We had a guy from the Sydney Kings. Is that with the team? We had a professional basketball player at the show last night. I called him up.

He was in the front row. Australian guy or was he American? No. Because a lot of Americans come here and play.

Actually, no, he was from... What did he say he was from? Do you remember? Not from Australia. Not an American, though.

No. There's a few Europeans and stuff.

He might have been-Yeah, he came over here. He played for the NBL, which is your league.

Yeah, it's not...

Yeah, he was the only black guy in the entire show.

I don't think it's a very elite league, although we do very well at the Olympics. We come in the top four, five.Yeah.

You do always have a couple of guys show up.

Yeah.

That's weird. But then we import them and then They're gone.

You don't get to enjoy that. No, they go and play. We've had a few good players that have gone to NBA, but we've had more NFL players, a lot of punters kicking the ball.

Yeah, this is a big thing. The punter revolution, which I don't know if you follow the NFL at all, but… No.

I don't think I follow anything anymore.

I'm really anti-kicking in football. But they got to do it. No, I don't think they do. I think they should take it out completely.

Really?

Yeah, we've changed the rules a lot so much around kickoffs now where it has to…

Yeah, you can get I got rid of it, actually.

I think we should be gone.

My buddy played 10 years Dallas Cowboys and was getting six mil a year or something, and he kicked the ball once, maybe.

Six mil a year for that? Crazy. It's a joke. We need to be… Yeah, I don't like kicking in football. I don't like that these… These men on the field are busting their ass, and then it all comes down to one dickhead kicking. Who isn't even a football player?

Well, they do it in rugby sometimes. People got upset. A few years ago, they did the World Cup, and there was an English player called Johnny Wilkinson who just kept kicking goals as opposed to running Running him in. Running him in. The whole country was in arms. They hated him.

But that is inherently a part of the game. Kicking is such a big part of the game where I think football, you could remove it. I know it's historically, but you could remove it. The only reason we have kicking in football, I'm ignorant, but I'm guessing, but I think I might be right, is because of you guys, or because of, not you guys, but because of rugby, because of football sports that predate American football. We stole that and added Out of that element.

Added that element. Yeah, I imagine. But all the punter does is kick the team out of trouble. That's all they're doing. You're so far back, they're like, I'll get the guy and kick it as far as far away. That's all that is. It's a shitty thing.

What you could do is you could do a thing. There was a guy who did an article about it. It's called a surrender. If you're too far in your danger zone and you need to kick it away, you do a surrender. You take a statistical average of how many times kicks would go to where they would go, and you do a surrender, then they get the ball at that side, on their side of the field, but with an advantage.

They do a similar thing in rugby. There is a of what you're saying. Surrender?

Yeah. Why the fuck don't we do that? Then you eliminate kicking. And by the way, then after you score a shutdown, instead of kicking an extra point or going for a two-point conversion, you have to go for it. And a run is worth one to me, and a pass is worth two. That's what you do.

Yeah, that's more fun.

It's way more fucking fun. Then it's football again all the time. And then on a kickoff-And then there's no foot being used at all in your football game.It's.

Just called ball.Yes, it's just ball.Let's.

Go fucking play ball.Let's go ball. Can we just play ball today? No, but I do actually like… I went to an Aussie Rules football game in Melbourne.I went to go.Australian.

Rules is great.

It was wild.

It's the fastest game on Earth, they say. You would have seen it. It just goes around constantly. It's nonstop. It's nonstop. It's player on player stuff. So as opposed to NFL that's team on team, driven up, it's almost like basketball in that respect. You have one player that you just chase around the field. I love that. It's constantly going. They are running 20 to 30 ks a game, which miles? 40 miles?

No, it's like 12 miles.

Okay, so they're doing that flat out sprinting the whole game. It's crazy. That's fucking insane.

Yeah, the shape that those guys are in is funny because no offense, but there was a rugby guy at the fucking gym this morning, and the rugby thing is funny. Well, you can be jacked as a rugby. You could also be fat. Yeah, you can. This guy was fucking fat and shit, and he's strong, right? No doubt.

But the NFL guys are like that, aren't they? The front, the big guys, aren't I represent.

It's the same thing. But rugby guys are funnier to me because... Well, look, let's put it this way. Football guys, like NFL-sized guys, like those linemen you're talking about, these are specimens to behold, where these rugby guys, like this guy and a lot of guys I've seen, They don't have to be super tall and big. Our guys are tall and fucking big. Yeah, that's true. Rugby guys could be 5'9, but be a brick shithouse. Most of the time in the NFL, if you're a lineman and you're under 6 feet, you're never going to fucking make it. Good luck. That's no chance.

The rugby guys are just tough. You know when you see a guy that just has a thick neck, they don't need to be big and everything, but you're like, Oh, that guy's tough.

Yeah, he's been sitting in this machine all day.

That's what rugby guys are. They're just tough. You will punch him and their face won't even move. They'll be like, What are you doing?

I think that's why I think because rugby has made such... I mean, those guys are fucking animals. Football, NFL, another thing. I know we're stuck on this, but they should do no helmets. No helmets.In football?

Yeah. That will help with the concussion thing that's going on?

It actually They're going to kill tremendously. They've actually done research to find that they will because once you teach people how to tackle the right way, they won't fucking use their heads to stop the ball.

What do you mean? They're running in and just using their head.

But rugby guys, the concussions in rugby are significantly less than in football. Because men lead with their head when they tackle because you have a protection plate on. If you remove the helmet, just like rugby, your instinct is to make a more concise tackle so you don't hurt yourself and you don't hurt them. Football is just like, I'm going to fucking kill that guy. I'm going to run as fast as I can. They lower their helmet, and a lot of them do it instinctively on accident, and then they get a fucking concussion.

They used to have no helmets in football, right?

Yeah, they have leather. It was almost like a leather. It wasn't really a helmet. It was almost like a hat. It was actually just because their hair would get messy, so they just wanted a hat on. They wanted to look good. Yeah, it was vain. It was all vanity.

Was the game then of a different tackling nature because of what you're saying?

Well, you look back, it's like also the men are half the size.

You're talking Bay Bruce and thinking that he could hit a homer today and just get struck out in a second.

They were throwing the ball like 52 miles an hour. Yeah.

He's the greatest baseballer alive.

No, Shohe O'Tani. Now, that's a fucking guy. But that's the progression of every sport. It's going to be better and better. But those These guys are so big now. I'm friends with a couple of pro football players. They're so fucking big. If they push you joking around, you'd fall to the ground and maybe twist an ankle. If they push you, you know what I mean? You'd be like, Fuck, that hurts. Their sheer The force is so different now that the helmets aren't doing shit.

Well, I had a friend growing up who played AFL, elite level, and won two Brownlow medals, which means he was the MVP twice.He's.

Tom Bragg.Brown-line.

Medal?brown-low medal.Brown-LowBrownlow Metal.Brownlow Metal.What's Brownlow?

Is that-It's some bloke's last name.So it's named after.Shout.

Out to Bob Brownlow out there.

Mr. Brownlow. But when we were growing up and teenagers and everything, he was four times stronger than any of us, but he looked exactly like me. I've got the build of an AFL player, like 6'1, lean. Rugby players are, like you said, shorter and much stockier and strong as fuck. But he was my exact size, just four times stronger. We'd just be marking around and he just got boom and you'd fall to the ground.

It shocks you how much central. They have such a good center force. There's something about when you meet someone that has that, you know that's like, well, that's God. You didn't. Something I'll save that to you. You have another level of- Another level. Supreme gifted being. Who is that? There's Mr. Brownlow. Is that Brownlow? His name is Chaz Brownlow.

Chaz.

Look at him. Send that to Joe. That's so funny. Chaz Brownlow. He does look like J. P. Morgan. Look at that. See, you guys have the Brown Loan and we have banks. We did banking.

We made the banking industry.

Yeah, exactly right, dude. What made Mel so mad. You got to pull me over sugar tits. By the way, every time I'm on Malibu and I go to Moon Shadows, Moon Shadows will inherently be. That was the place he left when he was getting drunk. That is always in my mind. Every time I drive by Moon Shadows, I'm like, That's fucking Sugar Tits.

Who was he calling Sugar Tits?

A cop.Oh, that bit.He got pulled over. We went back because he said that's what Mel is so mad about. He got pulled over by a cop. He called her. He said, Hey, sugar tits. Then he mentioned he was like, You're not a Jew, are you? Isn't that what he said? Something like that?

When did this all go down?

God, this is like 15 years ago.

That is the one that I'm thinking of. I thought maybe there was a new one.

No, he's bounced back. No, he made passion of the Christ, Revitalize the guy. He'll find the exact quote that he did. Also, I don't think he should have been given all the flack that he got because of that. That's a lapse in a man's timing and judgment under the influence. You should be able to apologize and move forward. Yeah. He didn't beat a child to death. He didn't assault something. He said some dumb shit. Yeah. Shouldn't have said it. You're an asshole. Say my bad, and then let's move on. Yeah. What do you say? Here we go. What are you looking at, sugar tits? That's what he said to the cop. What? It's on a quote website. Yeah, with the sunset. That is- What are you looking at, sugar tits?

It's still a coffee. It's pretty funny.

It's very funny, dude. It's just Why? Not cool. Also, all right, let's move on. But they lashed him so hard for that. I remember it was also the anti-Semitic stuff is where they clipped him. They were like, oh, he did... Well, whatever the Jew quote was, that's what they really got mad. The sugar tit was bullheaded.

Sugar tit is run of the mill. That's pretty good.

By the way, you see how people talk to cops now? Now that everyone has a cell phone and they're recording... People record them talking to a cop now?

Yeah.

They say wild ass shit. There's videos of guys in New York. For some reason, NYPD gets fucked with the most because they know they're always being recorded, so they don't want to do anything crazy. But you'll see guys go up to New York. There's a guy on TikTok who goes up to cops and just fucks and talk shit. They're like, Shut the fuck up. Get the fuck out of here. Because they deal with it all day long. But you're like, Man, that's so funny. What are you looking at sugar tips, compared to this guy just trolling cops. This guy would walk up to cops. He's on TikTok. I don't know his name, but he walks up with donuts. He goes, You want a donut? You fat pig ass motherfucker. You want a donut, bitch? And he'll shove it in their fucking face. It's insane. Yeah, but they don't have the time of day to deal with it. Also, he's on his phone. So what are they going to do? They're not breaking any laws. They're just being rude.

You know what I mean? We have a very different relationship to cops in this country than you do in America.

Well, we all have a different relationship with cops, even in our country. Yeah, that's true. You ask one person how they feel. It's not a universal feeling.

All right, that's true.

Do you know what I mean? We're so…

This is something I've never seen before. It was years ago when I first moved to America and I went to a college party. Like a frat party? Yeah, and I was probably 30, but I was It was on the street that I was on and I just went and I said, I want to go and experience for the college party. These young kids said, Come in, we'll play beer pong and stuff. It was fun. But the cops came and the kid who owned the… I've never seen someone He didn't talk to police like this. He opened the door and he just was like, I know my rights. You can't come in. Everything like that to the cops. You know who my dad is? No, he was doing that one. He's like, Do you know who my dad is? I know my rights. I don't need to do this stuff. I was there going, This is ridiculous. What happens in Australia, if you're having a party and the cops come round is someone will answer the door, the cops will come, they'll have a conversation with the cops like their mates, they'll become friends with the cops, and then they will become the police representative in the party, and they'll go around and go, Now, keep it down, guys.

Those were good guys. Those were nice cops, all right? No, no, come on, Jimmy, turn the music down. They were nice guys, okay? They'll start getting angry but turn into the authority.They'll become the cops.Because they just were mates with the cops for a second. It's great.

It's like a police pyramid scheme. Yeah, it is. You're selling cops like you're selling fucking Tupperware door to door. I think I'll become a cop. Yeah, they just... But cops here, any cop I've ever met here, the demeanor is different. Our demeanor in America, most city police I'm referencing, right? Like Los Angeles, Chicago, New York. If you're a city cop, your demeanor is you're on the defense. Every cop feels like-You should be. Right. They're on the defense. Out here, it feels like they are just milling about waiting for something to do.

They're rallying and making sure everyone doesn't get too out of hand is what they're doing. They're just like, All right, easy, easy.Right, exactly. They're like, You keep doing what you're doing. Whatever you're doing is illegal. But just easy. Come on. Then as soon as it gets out of hand, then they can go, Okay, that's too far. That's happened to me plenty of times that I've been thrown in the back of the car and taken home and stuff. Really?

In a drunk tank?

Yeah, but they're nice about it. They're just like, All right, you've gone too far. Get in the car, and I go, All right, I've gone too far. I get in the car and I get driven home.

That's a sweet way to go to jail. Cops in Australia feel like when you're at the airport and you're in the security line and that roped off part, but you know how you can just pull up on the thing and just skip through it? That's That's how it feels as a police here where you're like, I mean, I'll obey it, but I also could just fucking not.

That's what the whole of Australia is like.

Yeah, just pull up the thing and skip the line.

I'll obey it to a point, but I'm not going to… And then you… You do what you want. Yeah, you do what you want. But we do listen to authority a lot, and I think that comes from convict heritage.

Yeah, fucking England.

Yeah, you don't want your shit taken away. So you're like, All right, I won't be too much of a scaliwag so that I don't get in more trouble than I need to. But I still want my shit and I still want to do a little bit of illegal stuff. We're all criminals slightly. I'll steal shit, just small stuff.

What do you steal? By the way, scaliwag, such a British phrase. Scaliwag?

Scaliwag, it's such an old term. What do you like to steal? Just some grapes at the supermarket when you're walking around and just enjoy your life. Put some underwear on in target and fucking walk out.

Okay. No, never done that, but I get it. Live. What's the last thing that you stole recently?

At Chipotle, they forget to charge me for guacamole, and I just don't say anything about it. You get your nice little $2.80 a guac, and in your heart, you're like, Yeah, fuck you guys.

That's enough. Suburban thievery at its finest. Just small crimes. But this place is easy to steal from. It just feels like no one's really watching you here for some reason. Everywhere I've been-Oh, yeah.

In America, there is Big Brother, and you feel it. You know what it is? You've got Levels, you've got City Cop, and then you've got feds, and then you've got other ones that you don't even know. Then there's Elite Illuminati, and who knows what's going on there.

God bless what we do, don't we? Hey, hey, hey. After this. Yeah, we are going to a ditty party tonight, actually. Fuck, yeah. Yeah, he flew in just for this.

Is that why there's 10 gallons of lube next to your bed?

That's 12, actually. But yeah, that's a big one. I got the supersize one. You got the big. Yeah, we're going to a ditty party down under.

What is happening there? Can you tell me in layman's terms exactly what's happening? Because I haven't figured it out yet.

He is absolutely unequivocally going to to go away to prison for a very long time for trafficking. They're going to get him for trafficking.

But is he the head or is he just the one that they're taking down? Well, he's one of the heads.

It's almost like in a crime family. You're never going to get… You You're going to get the top, but you're going to get one of the captains, as they call him. You may not get the main guy, but you'll get- But he's the head of a family. Well, he's 100% ahead of a perv family for sure. I mean, enough people have talked about it for years that the guy was... He would have these insane parties where, look, I would say probably 90% of the shit that was going on at that party was normal. 90% of it was just coming over drinking with beautiful people who are famous and rich.

And trying to hook up.

That's a normal thing. That's a normal party. 10% of it was like, after hours, who's staying for some wild ass bullshit? Who stayed for the wild ass bullshit? We're going to see because the papers are going to come out. They say Jay Zee's name is all over it.

Isn't it funny? The clips that are coming up of Diddy doing something on a show, but watch their reaction next to him, and Jay Zee's just there going, Oh, my fuck.

This did not age well for Diddy, where he's like, he's patting down Justin Bieber for a wire. That's the weirdest feeling. When you see something like that, you obviously would never recognize it at the time. You're like, Oh, he's goofing with him or something. But man, how creepy.

Did you see the Tyson one? Uh-uh. They're sitting on a couch. Oh, yes.

He's trying to hold his hand.

He's trying to hold his hand, and Tyson just puts his hand down and just sits there like, I will kill you. I will kill you. And did he just goes, shouldn't have grabbed his hand.

But that's funny. The Tyson clip that just I saw resurface now was the, Yeah, I'm voting for Trump. So what? This is from the first time, not from this time. They've resurvised it, but the best part is like, I don't know, he's on a radio show. I don't know who it was, and he was like, Well, I don't like that you're doing that. He goes, I don't give a shit. So what? What are you going to do about it? When Mike Tyson says to you, What are you going to do about it? That's Endgame. That's Checkmate. What would you say back? Nothing. Not at all.

Do you know when he did his stand up for a little while?

Yeah, I saw that. His live show.

Did you ever see him at the Comedy Store? He was working two stuff?

No, he did a couple of... Yeah, he was warming up for the Broadway version, so I never saw it. I knew he was there, but it was extremely produced and coordinated. They were really testing out to see how it would feel. Definitely. I never saw it, but I did hear that... The unfortunate thing is being Anything behind the curtain for us sometimes is a detriment because you're like, Oh, I don't want to see. I know how the sausage is made. I don't want to watch somebody else making sausage. I'd rather just see it when it's done in the store.

Well, I walked into the Comedy Store one night, and you know how it is, and I walked down into the back hallway, and there was no one around, and it was 10:00 PM, and I'm like, What is happening? I went back there, and it was just Mike Tyson in that hallway. Oh, shit. He was about to go on in the original room. I walked in, and he just looked at me and he went like that. Fuck off. I'm serious. He just went like that. He was so nervous because he was about to do stand up for the very first time. It was the first time that he did it. Now I realized why no one was around in the hallway.

He's been hisson. He's been hisson at everybody all night. He's been hisson at everyone.

I just went, and walked back out. What's happening in there?

Did your Monte pissed himself in the hallway? Yeah. Why? I think Tyson hist at him.

I had him hist at him, and then Monte just urinated all down his leg.

A hist is such a... It's not even a masculine thing for him to do. No, it's terrifying. But it's terrifying.

It's not like a fucking fist. His reaction is, What are you doing here? And he just went…

It's so creepy. If he flexed on you, you'd be really scared. The hist is like, Oh, he's going to eat me alive. Yeah.

I'm going to need to back away from this terrifying animal.

He is... I love him. What a bounceback story. That guy goes to prison, comes out, now he's God. Everybody loves the guy.

I love him.

Yeah, well, he's going to lose, I think, that fight.

This will beThis will already have happened by the time that fight's over.

I am curious because the fight's in two days, right?

Or in three days? No, it's next Saturday.Oh.

It is?Yeah.Okay.He.

Is going to lose that fight.We should go. We'll be in Melbourne. We should go and watch it somewhere. Yeah, I'm down. It's on Netflix. That's crazy.

It's crazy. This is happening. One of the best deals of all time. I love Mike Tyson. He's, to me, the greatest fighter ever. But also the age gap is absurdest. I mean, it's insane. You're fighting a kid, and a kid who is in phenomenal shape.

And he's a pro. He's good. He's very good.

But even if he wasn't that good, the other force is age is the fucking... Age is the thing that's going to get all of us. You can't deny it. You weren't Mike Tyson when you were 24 years old. Yeah. He's what? 50? How old? 53 or something like that?

It's undeniable. And he's in phenomenal shape, and he looks great. He looks powerful and everything, but he's still old.

He's still 53 or whatever. At some point, it gets you. 58?

That's insane. That is insane. Yeah.

He's probably the strongest 58-year-old in the world.

But that's not-Yeah, he'll kill me with one punch.

But we don't fight for a living. I'd hope he wins, but I think he will lose, unfortunately. I think that was my prediction is that if I'm a betting man, I think I don't want him to lose, but I think he will. You know what I mean? In the same way that you're like... I'd like to It was a fair fight, but I don't even know how much. I went to the Mayweather-Mc Gregor fight in Vegas. It was fucking awful. Terrible. It was bullshit. It was all for show. So I'm afraid that this will also be-I think it might be.Tempered. Yeah.

I think it might be because when Tyson fought, who did he fight recently? It was probably a few years ago now, and they did an exhibition thing. It was another famous boxer who I can't remember because I'm dumb. Yeah, I'm so stupid. But they came out and they both were dancing. They weren't fighting.

Yeah, because they don't want to anymore. Who wants to fucking get hit in the face?

I don't know if he's going to knock Tyson out or anything.

No, I don't think he'll knock him out. But I do think he's going to fuck up. Roy Jones. That's right.

Shit, I saw Roy Jones Jr. Get knocked out here by an Australian fighter called Danny Green. Oh, yeah, Danny30 seconds, and it was huge. It was so great.

That was after he retired and came back or whatever, right?

Yeah, but he was still good. He wasn't 58.

58 years old. Can you imagine? It's crazy. I'm 41. If a 25-year-old who's strong was like, I'll fight you, I'd be like, Listen, dude, I got to go. I can't. I said, Who's strong? Not you. You're a fucking bitch boy. I'll beat the living shit out of you. I'm talking about a strong kid. She's just seeing this kid in the fucking gym this morning. Six minutes, and then he went home. Six minutes. Pathetic. I was working out, and I'm like, let's work out. He goes, he does three things. He got on his phone. That's such a generational thing, too. You're on your phone the whole fucking time. Yeah, I'm checking. I haven't worked out in so long. Converting things from kilograms.

I don't know what's going on. So stupid. Just throws you. You're like, I can't do this.

It's not even that hard to figure out. But even still, it's so funny that he was like, Oh, I keep looking at the exercises. They were like cartoon images of little exercises. I was like, Just pick two and do them.

I feel like most 25-year-olds, most, some I'm not going to be obscenely strong and I don't want to. I reckon I could fight because they haven't been hurt enough in life to dig deep enough. They're still going to be worried about how they look and if they're going to get pussy after the fate.

And they will, by the way. And they will. And you'll win and you won't get laid and he will. He'll lose, and a girl will be like, Baby.

You still look beautiful. You need to get anger in your life to tap into that, to get to a point where you could destroy.

Yeah, You need to have had a loss in your belt, under your belt. You've never lost. You've never been in a fight. No, see, that's the thing. That's what I mean. If you've never taken on L, you don't know where to find the pain of the L to win the next fight.

Dude, I got smashed when I was a kid. I got a metal plate in my face and six pins and screws all through here. They had to rip my... I got a scar from there to there where they took my face off, took my eye out, and had to reconstruct the whole thing because I got smashed in a park when I was 13. Using what? Fists. I just got beaten up. That was just a while. We don't have anything else but fist in this country.

People here do weapons. People definitely use weapons. That's true. Bar fights here, I feel like, is definitely glass and whatever the fuck.

Yeah, but there's no guns. At least there's no guns.

No guns, yeah. You could have used a gun back then. Could use a gun, yeah. How old were you when your face smashed?

Thirteen.

You wouldn't even know that anything ever happened to your face.

I've never broken a bone in my body except every bone in my face.

Wow. From When you had a side over, your head was open.

Yeah, they had to kill it all that back. How many people was it? It was this one dude, really, but there was a group of them, but it was one who just wailed. It was one punch, too, really. Because I had other friends there, and it was over pretty quick. It wasn't a, Hey, I was fight. I was a smart ass because obviously, and this guy was just bigger and stronger and just picked the shit out of me. But yeah, I got all this fucking metal work in my face. Where is he now? I don't know. Probably in jail.

We should check up on that guy. Yeah, we should. Do you remember who it was? Yeah. Where are you, bud? He's listening. He's a huge fan of mine.

He's so sick. And he's loving it.

Yeah, he's jerking off to this right now. Finally. Tell him about our fight again, Monty. Tell him what I fucking did with you.

I fucked you up.

Fuck you. I'm so bad. That is a terrible injury. That's wild. They had to reconstruct your fucking face. I know. But it doesn't even look like... This side of your face doesn't look like anything ever happened.

No, except when I was about 19, I got that Bell's palsy thing. You've seen that? Where your face just drips.

Because of the surgery?

I reckon it had to be. It was that side and everything. I got fucked up the nerves. Yeah. And so for about six weeks, I was like that. I'm like, Shit, I'm going to be like this forever. But it just fixed itself.

The muscles regained some memory or something. Yeah.

If you look up what Bell's palsy, is it that they don't really know what it is. It can happen for weeks, maybe months, but it usually fixes itself.

Bell's palsy doesn't last forever. No. Can it last forever?

I would suck if it did. Some people can have it, but it fixes a little but not fully. John Heffron, get it, you know a comedian? Yeah. I remember him putting a thing out and I said, Dude, I had it. Just trust me, I think it'll work itself out in a few months. Is it neurological?

Is that why? It's usually resolved itself within six months. Six months. It's a neurological thing that happens, right? It's got to be something with your muscle memory.

Yeah, but then I really have any reason. I remember the doctor's going, Look, we don't know why it just happens, but we know that it will fix itself, and it did.

Causes unknown Bell's palsy.

You just wake up one morning and your face has fallen off.

Think about having a big night out of drinking and you wake up like that and you're like, What did I do?

Well, that's what happened. I was drinking all the time. I just woke up and I was like, Oh, this is bad guys. We're all laughing. Then I'm like, This is not fixing itself. Then it's not funny. Oh, my God.

Too many loggers, mate.

This is too far.

That's fucking wild. Well, look, I want to thank you so much for coming on the show. I appreciate you. We're doing another show tonight. You're on tour all the time. Plug some dates. Tell people where you are because I highly recommend my friends to go see you. Whether you're in America or not, you're touring constantly. Tell people where you are.

I'm finishing off the Australia tour, so I think by the time this comes out, I'll only have a couple of dates left in Australia. Then next year, I'll be back in America doing the regular Comedy Works. Usa. The Comedy Store in La Hoya and all the better clubs.

La Hoya is great.

Phenomenal. Zanies in Chicago. All those clubs that I love. You know what's so funny?

I'm from Chicago, and I've never headlined Zanies. I've I've only...

You only do the theaters there.

I've only popped in. Look at you. Well, it's funny because I started in LA, and so Chicago is my home, but I didn't start in Chicago. People were like, Oh, did you start in Zanies? I didn't. When I went home, I was able to... I can pop into Zanies. But by the time that I was touring in Chicago, I went back. I played the Schaumburg Improv. Oh, yeah. I did the improv circuits. That was not downtown. Then downtown at the time, they opened up a laugh factory. Jamie asked me to do that, so I went and did that. But when I would go home, I had this anxiety about it, so I only do one offs. I don't know how you feel about performing back home, but in your hometown. But I wouldn't do a weekend other than the Schaumburg one. I just want to do one show.

Yeah, I wouldn't do a weekend. I'm doing one show back in Melbourne. It'll be the biggest one I've ever done. The Hamer Hall, big, beautiful. It's like the Sydney Opera House in Melbourne.

I thought it was Hammer.Beautiful.It's.

Not Hammer. You can call it Hammer. That's all right.Is it not the Hamer Hall?It's.

Hamer Hall. Hamer? Yeah, Hamer. It's right on the water.

Yeah.

I know. I stayed there. When I was living there, I stayed right there, right on the water. I walked past it every single fucking day. It was so funny. I love that city so much. I can't say enough good things about Melbourne. I know you hate it, but you're from there. I don't hate it. I know.

You said last night. It's hard to... I get I know it on a deeper level than you do. It's a love-hate relationship.I.

Love it so much.I.

Love it more than I hate it.

I just had so much fun. It was like a fantasy town. On that water, it's just...

I don't know. Actually, it's a bit like Chicago, like that. The river running through.

Well, we have a lake, a A huge lake. A lake that's...

Didn't see that.

Didn't see that big fuck off lake? Yeah? Can't see the other side. It's so fucking big. What is it called? The Yara Yara River.

Yara.

The Yara River.

Yara River.

Yeah, it's great. I had so much fun. I can't wait to go back down there. Go see Monte Franklin. Montefranklin. Com? Yeah. Montefranklin. Com. Good thing because sometimes guys get websites that are like, Monte Franklin is the funiest guy alive. Com. I'm like, okay, just get the regular one. Just pay the guy 80 bucks.

Yeah, buy your name.

Your name back. Go to montefranklin. Com. Check them out on social media and all that good stuff. We end the show the same way. Yeah, well, if you want to, look at the camera and say one word or one phrase to end the episode. A word or a phrase of wisdom, if you have one, to end the episode whenever you're ready. Hold on one second.

Words of wisdom. Penis.

Fuck.

Perfect. Panic. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.