Transcript of Adrienne Iapalucci: The Dark Queen | Whiskey Ginger

What up, what's your diger fans? Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. Also, I'm on tour, finishing up the tour and shooting my special. Starting off with Chicago, and I'm going everywhere. Ladies and germs, I'm in Charleston. I'm in Durham. Show up, Durham, where are you at? North Carolina. Come on and raise up them in Atlanta. I do Philly. I'm at the Met, which I'm so proud of. The Beacon in New York. I'm doing Phoenix. I'm Two shows in San Francisco, two shows in San Diego, and four shows in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where I'm filming my special. Four shows. So go get those tickets right now at AndrewSantino. Com. Andrewsantino. Com.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Ginger's a fugival. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginger's, I'll hell know.

This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Junior. My guest today is one of my favorite people on the other side of from, I guess, about a meeting once again today. It is Adrian Ipalucci. I said Appaloochi. I said Appaloochi, Ipaloochi, Appaloochi. I've heard Louis call you Appaloochi, and you say that's how you say it.

I say Appaloochi, yeah.

But it could be Ipaloochi.

It could be whatever. I'm not saying it, correct.

Do you know where your pig family is from?

I don't know. You don't know what part of Italy? Some are disgusting, I'm sure.

You have somewhere trash. Probably. You've never done one of those?

No, but I'm not all Italian, though.

What's the other side again?

Hungarian.

But say it. Hungarian. Say it. Say the J word.

Jew? How am I Jewish? This is the thing- You know that shakes me to my core.

I know.

Listen, no one likes a Jew, especially right now. But I also don't identify as a Jew.

What do you identify as?

Bronx trash.

Bronx trash. Yeah. And is there a lot of Jews in the Bronx? No, They're Brooklyn-based, mostly.

I think they were in the Bronx, in the Concourse, and then they all left when Black people came.

Oh, and here they are, the Jews pretending like they're, We're not like the other Whites.

Yeah, you are. I'm not saying that's for sure what happened. I'm just- It sounds right. It does.

It sounds very right. You're born and raised in the Bronx. You've never lived anywhere but New York.

No.

That's awesome. Is it? I think it's beautiful.

I think it makes you a bad person. It does. You're not supposed to live in New York City the whole time.

Where Where would you go if you could go?

Anywhere? I'm just on a beach?

No. What's your... You know where I wish I lived, where I wish I moved? What's your secondary life?

I do like the beach. I don't actually hate LA. Everyone thinks I would hate it here.

Come on over.

I don't think I can come on over.

We could use a talented comedian out here.

I mean, Ari's forcing me to go to Austin for three months. Enjoy. When I was there, he made everyone talk. He made Rogan talk to me about moving to Austin. Every Everyone is like, You're moving to Austin. I'm like, I'm going for three months. I'm keeping my apartment. I'm not going to really be there a lot.

I don't want to do this right now about Austin, but it's great. But it's not New York, dude. New York is New York. It's the best city in the world.

New York is a terrible place. It's the best city in the world. Every 9/11, I pray for a sequel. I hate New York City so much. It's the worst place ever. Everyone is mad all the time.

Yeah, but isn't that beautiful?

I think it would be nice if I got to do that for a time. But as a kid growing up like that, it's just like you're... It's a lot. You know what I mean? You should either grow up there or end up there, but you shouldn't be there the whole time.

Well, then what about LA? I moved here when I was 21, and I haven't left. And I do plan on leaving, but I haven't left.

Where are you going to go?

Well, for a while, I was going to go to New York, and I never got to go because of family stuff. Unfortunately, I'm stuck here. But I don't know. I mean, where's my... I want to die on a lake, Very bad. I want to die in- That's very easy. I want to die in the middle of winter. Well, don't.

Okay.

Blame it on this guy. I will. Trust me. If anybody does kill me, you know how they go to the spouse first? It's this guy will be the first person the FBI looks at. But then he'll lose his job. As if the FBI would look at my case.

They would look at your case. No chance. Have Rogan call it in a favor.

Yeah. From the mothership, they're like, I'm calling from the alien bastion. Before we go too far, your special came out on Netflix. It's called The Dark Queen, which is referenced to this gentrification move of you pushing Black people out of the Bronx. That's called The Dark. It was called The Dark Queen Movement. Very good. Queen. Queen. Dark Queen. Hey, Dark Queen. There it is.

I love that move when you're just like... Pat it.

You know, I found myself doing that. I shot a TV show and I had to wear a wig every day. Oh, yeah.

You can't get in there.

All day, every day.

It's so It's so itchy.

I wanted to kill somebody.

I one time went in a rabbit hole watching black women get their hair done in a salon. It takes eight hours. I was like, I get why they're always upset. You must have just gotten your hair done, sat there for 12 hours.

Imagine that and then afterwards working at the DMV.

The DMV is where everyone Their boyfriend just cheated on them. It's the worst place in the world. Everyone is always mad at the DMV. Why are there no shootings at the DMV?

There have been a couple of attempts, right? No, that's post office is mostly where people shoot up. Has anybody shot at a DMV? I feel I feel like you should, though. That is a place to go cap off.

That's a great place. Take some drivers off the road.

By the way, congratulations. New York is getting back to its old ways, shooting Whites in Mid-City now. This is cool.

I mean, it's nice. An Italian did it.

There was one eight days ago. There was an eight days ago. There was a shooting at a DMV. Where? Where?

I guess someone was charged in connection of the shooting death of DMV activist.

What's a DMV activist?

I don't know this guy. You haven't joined?

What is a DMV activist? I'll give you the form. Wait, what is a DMV activist?

It's those of us that are fed up with the process, and we just want change.

Cornelius McDonald, DMV activist.

That's either white or black. I don't know what that is.

Cornelius is a guy from the south or a guy from Harlem.

Right, but I don't know who it is.

Imagine if it's a black guy from A white guy from Harlem, but a black guy from the south. It can go both.

It can go both ways.

This can spread all over.

And both are bad. It's not good either way. Whatever it is, it's bad.

Both of them are bad. You're right. It's not good. No, it's not going to be good.

What? It might be DMV like the area of America.

What is DMV, the area of America?

Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia. Oh, that's not the actual DMV?

Yeah, I think that might be that DMV.

Well, we'll have to cut that part out, you idiot. That's disappointing.

You stupid idiot.

You overpaid Laos. You loser mole.

What do you want to do with your life?

Hopefully jump off of something high. Macone, what do you want to do with your life?

I was originally hired by these guys to go on tour and film behind the scenes stuff because I do film Shut up.

Stop. He's a film school nerd. He wants to be a director. That's how I'm doing. He'll talk your ear off about... Name one movie.

He's not going to talk to me. I know.

He's not talking my ear off. That's what I like.

Shut up now. I'll just go, no, thanks.

He's very hittable, isn't he, though? He's cute, but he's very punchable. Yeah. Yeah.

He has a face you want to punch.

Imagine if he moved to New York.

He would get punched by everyone. Everyone.

The first week on the subway, you're getting robbed.

They would just walk on you on the subway. Idiot.

Loser idiot. Back to reality. First of all, great J's. Thank you. Love a Jordan. Love a Jordan on a girl. You know why? Because we can all wear them. Who cares? But there's only certain girls that will wear them. And what girls wear Jordans?

Girls that fuck black guys.

That's exactly right. There we go. That is exactly right. And you do. Yeah. And God bless. What am I going to do?

You can't be racing the wrong.

This is a black-eye bat signal when you wear Jordans as a woman.

I'm hoping that and the fake- The hoop earrings. The fake earrings? I'm going back to 1996.

Well, that was the greatest time.

It was a good year.

Bulls, baby. I'm from Chicago, so for me, that was like my childhood was filled with championships and the convergence of hip hop into pop culture. It was like the coolest thing in the world to me.

Me and Michael Jordan have the same birthday.

June? No.

May 17.

You don't even know your own birthday. That's so good.

I've been talking so much today. Who cares?

Yeah. Who gives a shit? Who'd you come from before this?

Ryan Sichler.

Love the sick dog. Yeah.

His dog is so fucking cute.

So cute. So cute. Did you get stoned? Do you get stoned? No.

You don't have a guess. It goes good or bad, and there's no way to know how it's going to go.

What's your vice?

Everything. A little bit of everything. I keep switching. Was it ever- It'll be food, it'll be alcohol, it'll be shopping, it'll be guys. I just What's that say? You keep switching seats on the Titanic. That's what addiction is. It is. Yeah.

That's what I'm doing. What are you going through now?

I think I'm just depressed right now. Yeah, same. Yeah. Being up during the day is tough.

You're a full sleeper. You're like, I sleep till 2:00 PM?

Yeah, for sure.

You sleep all day and then you work all night. Then what time would you go to bed?

Depends. I've been trying to get up earlier, but sometimes I'll go to sleep 3, 4 o'clock. I think I slept two hours last night.

You're like a tell. You're like the female a tell.

Kind of. He keeps those crazy. He seems so miserable, too. I guess that's me also.

But he's not, though.

He's not miserable?

He's miserable like we're all sad, but he's- Sure. He is so in love with comedy.

He loves stand-up more than anyone I've ever met.

I think it's so cool. Yeah.

I actually hate stand-up. You do?

Yeah. Well, please watch The Dark Queen right now on Netflix. We all hate stand-up. It's bullshit. But for moments of time, it's the most fun we've ever had in our life. It returns to one little thing from your childhood where you're like, wow, I'll remember this forever. That's what stand-up feels like. Little glimmers of it.

Do you love being on stage? There are some comics that needs to be on stage.

They love it. No, I'm not Norman. I don't want to do a gig, then go do a gig. Norman's He'll do a show, and then go find a local bar and be like, Hey, can I pop on?

That's actually a really good one. Can I do some time? That's a really good Norman.

Hey, Italian Jew, what are you going to do?

Make you pasta, steal your money. That's fucking crazy. I bet his wife will have a baby, and he'll be at an open mic.

He's having a baby soon, and I guarantee he will.

He's going to be like, Oh, I just got five minutes. I got to do a spot. How the fuck do you do that?

He'll name the kid Estee just to kiss the ring. Oh, God. Hey, the little Estee came out. Got to do a spot. Got to do five. Quick, got a tight five. He I don't know, because being around, we are the same generation, him and I. So I can't do celebrities, like fame. You know when people do like, I can't do those. I can do people I know that I've heard enough over the years that it gets etched into my...

Because we I think Mark's voice probably isn't that hard to do.

You just said, go back here. It's more mannerism. It's more mannerism than anything. Yes. Yeah. He's like, got to go. When he does that stuff, yeah. He's a 90-year-old man. But I know what you mean.

I don't love- Some people need to be on stage. They're like, I love it. It's like, I'm on stage. I'm mostly uncomfortable the whole time. I can't wait to get off.

I just want to get to the things I really wanted to get to, which most of the time, you find this, the irony of when you, I'm sure on this special, too, a joke that you like does phenomenal, and a joke that you love does okay.

Yeah, or people like the joke that you wouldn't think is that great.

Yeah, that's almost all the time.

Yeah. Yeah. Then there's jokes that you love and no one really likes, and you still keep doing them.

Those are my favorite.

I know. It's just for you.

I actually have two in the special I'm going to record that are Dinos.

It's just for you.

People don't like them. But people are like, Oh, yeah. And then I verbally have said, I like that.

Yeah, that one's for me.

I'm doing it. I don't care that you don't like it at all because people don't know how to feel about it. But I think that's the balance of the... It's like, We're giving you all of it. Can I have some?

Yeah. I mean, this is also something I really like. I thought of that joke you really like, and this joke you don't also like. They came from the same person.

Isn't that nice? Where did you record Dark Queen?

In the cellar.

Oh, you did? Macdougal? Yeah. The best room on planet Earth.

Yeah, downstairs.

I keep saying this to a lot of people because I started at the Comedy Store, so that's my home. But the Comedy Store, the feeling that I have when I do the OR in the Comedy Store is the exact same when I do MacDougal because it's a bigger... Macdougal's 180, something like that?

No, I think it's 140. 140?

Yeah. And OR, I think when it's max, it's like 225, but they usually put two. So it's similar in size, but it's real low and dark, and it's so contained that it feels like they're really with you.

Do you like... A lot of people like the Village Underground better. No. I don't either. Opposite. Me neither. But everyone... That's where most people film.

Yeah, I get it. I like it. It's a nice room.

And it's big. It's bigger.

It's a great room, but it's a lot of pillars, which I said. Pillars are the worst for company. I said that to Liz I'm like, A lot of pillars.

Yeah, it's not good for company.

Hey, a lot of pillars. What's going on here?

That's so crazy.

You guys are building grease again. A lot of pillars. I feel like- That's so insane. I know. Sometimes I do it when I'm fucking my wife.

And does she love it? Hates it. Hates it. I can see that.

I hate him so much. Hey, I'm going to come. Okay, I got to cut it out.

It's actually so funny.

I have to stop. It's so stupid.

I know, but it's great. I'm fascinated by it. They could do such a good Mark Norman.

He's the one I could do. I can't do anybody. You know who's really Soda can do. Soda is incredible.

Soda is good, too. Yeah. He's a magician.

You could do a lot of- Him and I tested SNL for the same year, and both lost to Pete Davidson. Wow. Shout out to Skinny Pete.

Wow.

That's nice. The kid got... Well, he was a kid. He was 19. Soda never, like 32.

Yeah, and Also, his dad died in 9/11. It's like, how do you know? Did he? Pete Davidson?

Yeah.

You don't know his dad died in 9/11? Never heard it.

Can you imagine? The one guy that never heard that story? That his dad died in 9/11. Well, that validates all those feelings that I had about him then.

Wait, you did know? Of course. Oh, Okay. Because that would be cool if you didn't know. You just thought he got it and beat you really bad.

Naturally. No, he's a talented kid.

He's very funny, yeah. But you're right, he is also 19.

He was a child, and Lauren verbatim was like, I don't think you're the puzzle piece that I'm looking for.

You could just said no. I don't need the puzzle piece thing.

By the way, I flew back to New York. I flew to LA, got a call, flew back to New York three days later.

You flew back for him to tell you no? Yeah.

It was notoriously funny to me. I was actually like, That's so funny.

It's hilarious.

To fly me back out, put me back up in a hotel, have me come to an E. We were supposed to have lunch. Then it was like supper time. You know what I mean? Like a 4:00 PM. Then it turned to come at 6:00 or something.

You're like, I definitely didn't get it. What are we doing here? Fuck. Can I just come by at 10:00 PM? Yeah.

Just come by when I'm in my car. Yeah, I valeted his car. You're not the puzzle piece. No, it was a weird... But Sody and I, I was stoked to see him there because it made me feel comfortable. I was like, well, if he gets it, don't care because I I love Danny. And then I knew Pete, too. I met him when he was 16 or whatever. And so when he got it, I thought, oh, that makes the most sense. Yeah, he's a child. He's a handsome, young, cool kid. I was like, yeah, I'm a burnt loser. So anyway, My Norman has come up in front of him, and I don't think he likes it. I think he's okay with it, but I don't think he likes it.

He doesn't love it. No. But a lot of people do it, too.

Yeah. Well, it's a cartoon. Right. Yeah. Stop being a cartoon. I'll stop doing the voice.

Wow. It's got deep.

No, I love him to death.

No, you can't.

He knows I love him. You know I love you, Mark. No, you don't. Hey, I love you. Macdougal is, to me, much better than... For people that don't know, that's the original Comedy Cellar room when you see... Like Louis, when he taped his show was in MacDougal. That wasn't in VU, right?

No, it was MacDougal.

Yeah, that's right. And it just feels so close.

I like that it's very tight, right? There's very low ceilings. Everyone's on of each other. That's what you need.

I was just there. I just saw you out there, and I love those sets in MacDougal.

For some reason- Oh, my God. That story with that girl with the French fries.

With the French fries. I was just going to bring that up. Did you see this?

I know you told me. You were saying it. It was so It was so funny.

Of all the heckles, because I don't do a lot of crowd work, just not my thing, but I usually will avoid when an idiot is like,. And I just keep going. I keep going, I keep going, I keep going, unless it's like, Dude, come on, come on, please. You I'm not a mess. Genually, cut it out. But this woman sitting in the front row, a 26-year-old, right in there, 26, 29, and a late 30s guy who's in a button down. She looks very bohemian. She's very and she's picking up fries, looking at me, and feeding them to the man.

Wait, I thought he was feeding her.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. She's feeding him. He's feeding her.

I thought everything was a lie that I've learned. I'm backwards.

He's feeding her French fries. I thought It's in the first row. It's the two first people. And I had to be like, What is it? Are you a serial killer? It looked so creepy.

It's such a crazy thing to be feeding somebody that's not a baby. It's just- In a comedy show.

Oh, so gross. And then I was like, What is going on? And then she immediately is like, Fuck you. I was like, Fuck me. Do you not know how crazy this is? And then finally, after I let it go at the end of the set, I was like, You know I love you guys. The fries are on me. I paid for the fries already. So have another ask it to go because I have enjoyed my experience meeting you. And I go, This must be just how you guys communicate love. And she goes, we just met. I was like, this makes it even worse.

I like how you said he was dipping it in the ketchup first.

Yeah, he will. That's very caring. Yeah, he did a little ketchup and gave it to her. But she was so relaxed, and you could tell did not want to go to it. He was like, I love comedy. We got to go see a show.

And she's like, Comedy? I don't want to go.

I'm like, Comedy?

Where? He's like, I'll feed you like a baby bird. I I would have loved it if he was chewing them and then spitting it into her mouth.

Now, that I would have been like, this guy's the king.

The baby bird effect.

Just spitting in her mouth. But that room, to me, is unequivocally the most... You get the most yes and the most no, which I love.

Yeah, it's a roller coaster. They're with you, and then you lose them, and then they're with you, and you lose them. I love that.

Where VU, you can get pockets. Other rooms, you can get pockets of like, Oh, those people really like it.

Yeah, the VU is also very big. So I think if I'm not high energy, it's hard to connect with the back of the room because I'm not on stage, like dancing and shit.

You used to. That was your big act.

I know. I had to stop doing it. I know. I had to stop doing it. Yeah, the dancing queen. I wish.

Why did you stop? Yeah, you should have kept going, dude.

I was doing too well. Yeah, you were crushing. I was like, I need to actually I was really bomb a lot.

People were. That was getting the chatter was around town. They were like, Age, she needs to cut that shit out. When you were a kid, did they call you Age?

Yes, Age. I had one guy that called me AIDS.

Aids. That's nice.

I loved it.

Yeah. When did that stop? The Age. The Aids? Age joke.

It was only one guy that called me that. Yeah. What happened to him? Then he stopped.

Where's he?

We still talk. We reconnected 20 years later on Facebook, so we've hung out a couple of times. Really? Yeah. We should just get married.

You think?

Why not?

You've never been married.

No.

Who is your guy?

I don't know.

What does he feel like?

What's his I need somebody that looks like they're from the Bronx, but they're not garbage. It's tough. It's a tough look.

It's a tough look. What about Staten Island?

I hate Italians. That's absolutely disgusting. That's a no. That's a no.

That's a definite no. Are your parents dead?

My dad is, so I could date black guys. Good.

Yeah, that's good. You did bring a black guy to his funeral?

To my dad's funeral?

No, I wouldn't do that. That would have been so funny.

I was pretty young then.

How old were you when your dad then?

Like, 22.

Yeah, that's That's tough. It's a young age. And then you started comedy around then?

26.

Yeah. In New York. What gives you the balls to grow up in New York and then to go start comedy in New York? That's got to be hard.

My mom did stand up when I was younger. Really? Like, on and off. She never did it continuously. Me and my dad took the bus to go see her doing... She had a bringer show, and we went to it. I didn't know it was a bringer show at the time. I'm 18.

Where was it? Like, Dangerfield? Standup New York. Oh, Standup New York.

Yeah.

That's so cool. What a memory.

It's really not. No? Mom.

That's cool, though. Your mom- Because if she was, she should have kept doing it so she could have just helped me. Right.

Yeah, what an asshole. I've just been doing comedy for 20 years, and I'm still nowhere.

Thanks a lot, Mom.

Thanks for nothing.

What year was this that she was into comedy?

I don't I remember 1996.

Yeah, that was the time. That was like a post-comedy boom of the '80s.

It was so long ago that she told me if she made it big, she was going to get me a car with a phone in it.

Yeah, I do, actually.

I was like, I'm going to have a phone in my car.

I'm going to have... And now who could I call anybody for $0.99.

A minute? Yeah, anybody. But yeah, she just never did it.

She kept stopping. Did she go to work after that? What do you mean work? Did she have a job? No. Your mother never had a job? No.

And your old man was- She was a waitress once in a while.

What was he?

A mailman.

Was he?

Yeah. Wow. It's a really hard job to get.

Is it? Yeah. It's like taxi driver in London. You know that?

No, I was being sarcastic.

Oh, I don't know. It could be.

Really? To just hand mail out?

Yeah, but pre-Google Maps and assistance from cell phones, you had no streets.

Yeah, but you have a couple of streets, and that's it. You keep doing that same thing over and over again.

Because our old mailman from my neighborhood did my whole neighborhood here. But I guess it's LA is so big. I guess it's all spread out.

So my dad did it since he was 18 years old, and he worked in the hood because it was easier to do a lot of buildings in the hood that have to travel and walk a lot. So he would rather risk his life. Yeah.

God, imagine the amount of eviction notice he handed out.

A ton of that. I guess maybe not wage garnishments. He's working.

Everything was a past due, Bill.

Yeah, he would I'd see a gun in there and drugs and shit. That's nuts. But the people that he was working there for so long, the people that in that little community loved him so much, and they came to visit him in the hospital, all these little black ladies, old little black. It was so sweet. They got him beloved mailman flowers and stuff. It was really sweet.

What was his nickname? They got to give him a nickname.

Appo. A-p-p-o.

Appo. Here come Appo, baby.

That's 100 %. That's my mom used to scream.

Here come Appo, baby.

Apple's coming.

My dad was a contractor and worked. For the most of my childhood, I remember when he was not in prison, he was-Was your dad really in prison?

For what?

Drugs.

He was doing drugs? Never heard anybody.

He was dabbling in the culture. Sure.

Was he selling them?

Sure.

No, seriously. What are you, a cop? I don't know. I love that he's working. Yeah.

He was involved in the world of drugs and crime, I imagine. But I'll never get the truth. Do you know what I mean? I'll never hear the real story.

Why? Is he dead?

No, he's alive. I don't know him really well. Oh, okay. I do and I don't. Do you know what I mean? We've reconnected as adults, but my whole child, he was in prison. Got you. My parents split when I was one. But my dad used to work when I would go with him on he'd be like, You want to work with me today? And what a sad thing to do to a child. No, I want to go to the park, but sure, I'll go.

But you're working one-year-old?

No, when I was seven or eight, he used to take me out. But he would use me as a cute little red-headed pawn.

Yeah. Why else do you have a red-headed kid? I know.

Or to sell it. But he would go to the west side and the south side of Chicago. He would go to the neighborhoods that a lot of these guys would refuse to go to because he created a rapport with them because he had balls. He just didn't give a shit. My dad was a larger than life guy, tall, big, strong. He didn't care. They loved him. But here come Richie. Here go Richie. Richie, where your little man at? Where'd a little opy-looking boy yet? I still love to. Here come Richie with a little opy. That's amazing. That's amazing.

Opie Taylor is such a specific reference. That's amazing. I love that.

But they love me. I'd go around, he'd be like, Oh, Ms. Johnson. Andrew, come here. Come say hi to Ms. Johnson. He would do their kitchens and everything. But he loved working the hood because a lot of those guys, I think, wouldn't... I think people just didn't want to. They were like, I'm not going to going down there.

Right, but it's like, if they love you, they love you.

Oh, they fucked with him big time. He was very connected. People knew him in the community. And I think my grandfather did similar stuff, so it just led him down the... It was like, oh, this is a way to really make real money. He's like, they got money, too, buddy. He used to say that all the time. What?

Yeah. How come nobody knows this?

Go take their money.

Spread the word.

No, but he would go. I remember thinking, and my mom would be like, Where'd you go with your dad? We were on the West Side all day. She's like, Putting you in those situations. That's where all they get. Because the West Side, at least back then, especially, was a very tough part of Chicago. Just rough. Where the Bulls play is maybe- But also, nobody's going to harm him because you don't want to kill a white guy because they're going to come. Yeah. You don't want to kill a white guy, they'll find out.

And they're going to investigate.

And that's why he brought me. That's another safety net.

That's smart of him.

Did Did you ever do a route with your dad?

My dad used to gamble a lot, so I would go. I would do that with him. Yeah. Me too. He's a big gambler. Yeah.

We used to go to the... My grandfather was a gambler who worked at the dog track.

The dog track? I know. My dad was the horse track.

He did both. I mean, he worked at Arlington.

I'm sure my dad would have bet on pigeons.

Yeah, they bet on turtle races. Yeah, he could bet on anything. But I said that this morning to somebody, like OTB.

Otb? That was there all the time.

Yeah, all the time.

I It smelled like smoke. I hung in at a bar all night.

Yeah. My mom used to make me... When I came home, my mother would make me take off my clothes in the garage. It was so demeaning. She'd be like, You stink. Take off your... So I'd have to get naked in the garage.

Were you ever like, Hey, Mom, why don't you just hang out with me so I don't have to go?

Yeah, no. She was like, Some of us have to work, Andrew.

My mom wasn't even working. We were going with him, and she was just doing nothing.

Yeah, but they were together.

My parents?

Yeah. Yeah. My parents were seven.

So when I come back to my mom's house, she I loathe the smell of Winston cigarettes, and that's all.

I smelled cloth car seats and Winston cigarettes. When the sun bakes on a cloth car seating a cutlass, and those cigarettes seep into your clothes.

Those cigarettes are so gross. I think that's why you feel hungover because that smell.

The smell does it to you. You never smoked.

I did when I was drinking. The next day, you smell so gross.

Yeah, but it tastes so good when you're doing it.

Sure. Just chain smoking.

Like one here, one here. What was your cigarette?

Newports. You're really sticking to the theme. Listen, I like what I like.

What are you going to do? And get my girl a Hennessy right quick. That's so fucking great, dude. Stay in line. Stay where you belong. I like that. Newports is so funny.

I wouldn't smoke anything, but I think that's what I would just get. I don't know.

When you were in high school, when you were young in the Bronx, were you cool or no?

I was cool, but I went to an all-girls school. So there's not really a cool, not cool thing.

Uniform?

Yeah.

How stupid is that shit? It's so dumb. It's the dumbest. It doesn't make any sense.

Listen, it saves time, though, where you don't have to think about what you're going to wear every day, but it's stupid.

I guess it's good for the predators. You know what I mean?

Yeah, if you're wearing a skirt.

Yeah, they all look the same. That's why they do that, I imagine.

Especially Catholic. So that you could see up girls' dresses? Yeah. Is that why?

Probably. The predators made it easy. Is Catholic school?

Yeah.

God bless. You're out, though.

I'm very in. I'm very Catholic.

You go to church?

Lies. I pray all the time.

Why Why did they lose all of us?

It's just boring.

That's a big part of it.

Boring. I think if I was raised in the black church, I would probably have stayed.

Much more exciting.

Much more fun.

But now you see these new age white churches try to be like the black churches. I know.

He's saying no. Fail.

Yeah, it doesn't work.

They're awful. It's not as fun. But also, there's not a lot of singing. I don't think the singing and dancing is as good at the white church.

No chance.

So that's why at the black church, it's fun.

The black church is fun because you're allowed to Yes. Hawaii Church is like, We sing, but also, let's not yell out.

And we're not singing that well.

And we're not singing that well.

We're not dancing that well either.

The singing isn't that good. So please sing along with us. I hated going to church and having to sing.

I was in the choir, I think. You were? I didn't have a good voice. I think I just got pushed into it.

But your mom was like, You have to do it.

I don't know. My mom would always get us into activities.

And you didn't want to do any of them?

I like some of it, but we were in ballet and tap and jazz. I did all that dumb bullshit. It was okay. I did sports.

What sport?

Softball, volleyball, basketball. I wasn't great at all them, but my sister did nothing.

Did you ever have a touch of the gay back then when you were playing all those sports? No. You're close.

I mean, I looked very gay.

Yeah, you're right there.

You know what I did see a girl the other day that looked like a dude, and I was like, I am somewhat attracted to her, but I would need the dick. So it's like, I don't think I'm gay.

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Ginger.

I like ginger.

If you were in prison for the rest of your life, would you fuck someone? You're there for the rest of your life, you're You might as well lean in.

Prison for the rest of my life?

I'm definitely getting a girlfriend.

Yeah, but you are domineering enough where someone's going to obey you.

I'm not going down on Chicks, though. You don't have to. They're going to go down on me.

No, you're a top dog.

You don't have to. But if you're the dyke, doesn't that mean you have to do the eating out?

In there, you can do whatever you want. There, there's no rules.

There's no rules?

No. Well, there's standards, and they have upkeep. But I think you choose what you want.

In the women's prison- Isn't there rape in the women's prison? It's just not as bad.

Probably more than there is in men's prison.

But women on women rape. It's just fingering. It's still nearly not as bad as dick rape.

Or stuff or toys, or things they find. Like a shoe? Yeah, a shoe. Just a Reebok size nine.

The white Reebok? The old ones?

The old school ones. He's probably got them on right now.

Those are so dirty.

Yeah, They're really bad.

That's crazy. How much- He's embarrassing. Oh, my God. This is your guy?

I told you we don't pay him.

But come on. No, I wasn't kidding. Those shoes are terrible.

No, but he doesn't deserve shit. Wow. How much money were you making at 25?

I was not making a lot of money.

Okay, so case in point, he's getting more than all of us were ever making at 25.

I worked at the DA's office as a crimes victim advocate. I was making 27.5..

No way. As a crimes victim advocate?

Yeah. So if you were the victim of crime and say something happened to you, I would advocate on your behalf to... One guy was, he got shot by accident. They thought he was somebody else, which I think happens a lot.

All the time.

And he was like, sitting in colostomy bags, and he didn't have money to get more bags, and he didn't have insurance. So I was working to get him more colostomy bags because his girlfriend was just taking the shit out and then reusing his colostomy. And that's a love that I don't have. I'd be like, You're actually on your own. Yeah, that's it. I'm not taking that. I'm out. I'm out.

People do get shot a lot on an accident.

Yeah, they think you're someone else.

The nonchalantness of it. My childhood best friend told me a story that made me laugh. So he was on the subway in Chicago. And it's like the afternoon. It's like the afternoon rush. And he's on the train. He sees this guy who sees another friend of his, and he goes, Hey, what's up? He's like, What's going on? And he's like, Hey, man, whatever happened to... And he named some guy's name. He's like, What happened to Cio? He's like, Oh, man, he got shot. And he was like, Damn, he got shot? And he goes, What happened? And the guy turns around and just goes, It was a dispute. And then turned back. It was a dispute. To this day, it's one of my favorite This is the favorite thing to say.

It was a dispute.

But it was so calm. He goes, he's holding onto the pole because the guy's over his shoulder. It was a dispute. And then just face forward like it never happened.

That is so funny.

The other guy was like, he understood it completely.

Just a dispute, dude.

And that's what happens. There's disputes. I remember seeing a guy get robbed on the subway. I put it in my first album, and he looked at me, and I was a kid. For help? You just looked at me as if tell someone do something. And I was like, no. I have three stops. Get out of here. I faced forward immediately. I was like, no, I'm not going to. It was happening right next to me. I was like, no way.

But that's what happens in New York, too. Somebody will be getting the shit kicked out. I mean, you just keep walking. You don't have a choice. In New York, you have to, or wherever, you have to just... I had a boyfriend that was like, Don't get in anyone's world. I I would do that where I would see an injustice in their face. He's like, Don't get in their world. And now you're just like...

Could you imagine you are in that world, then you become a...

I'm coming out of the cellar, and this girl and this guy are fighting, and this guy takes this girl and he slams her head on the fucking car. So I get it. I'm on, what the fuck are you doing? And he goes, oh, we're filming a sketch. There's a camera right there. And I'm like, yeah, man, don't do that in the village. That's crazy. You just slammed her head on the fucking... And then also I was like, what was I going to do? Just go to your fucking car and leave. Just go to your car. Because what's going to happen? She's going to stay with him anyway. That's going to be every... I don't even know that.

All domestic violence now. Officer, we're filming a sketch.

I mean, there were people filming it, but who knows? Maybe they were filming because she was getting beat.

Right. Everyone pulls their phone out now. Right. So it was like- You see that more often than anything. When I see something going bad, last night on the way home, there was a gentleman I felt so bad. There was a guy, he is I'd hit the back of this guy's car. So obviously, it wasn't death, but he got smoked and he was across the street and he was laying down. And the amount of people outside filming was crazy. I was like, What is that going to do? But that's going to get TikTok views for them or whatever it is.

Could you imagine there was all this technology during the Holocaust and people were just filming it?

There was. There really was.

There was. There was so crazy.

Just real to real. Well, they do have old film footage of the Holocaust. They do. It's online. You can see some of it online.

A lot of it, though, was like when American troops were.

Yeah, but none of it made it to TikTok, which is annoying.

I mean, how do we get it on TikTok?

Holocaust TikTok, where is that?

I did a joke about Hunter Biden. They were like, this goes against our community standards. We're going to leave the video up, but silence it. So now it's just on there. I'm like...

But the words are up.

No. Oh, you didn't even put the words up. I don't think I even had the words up on it. That's why we do the words.

Maybe I did.

I don't remember.

In case Elon tries to silence us.

I'm so bad at all social media.

Who's good at it?

A lot of people. A lot of people are really good at it.

I think I'm pretty bad, am I?

You don't really try, though.

I don't go for it. Wow.

He just told you you don't try.

Yeah, no, I don't. At social media, I'm not good at it. Well, because I'm admittedly not good at it, so I don't do good at it. So I don't. I've tried, but it's bad.

I'm just posting videos, and I'm like, I don't know what I'm really supposed to be doing here.

Well, you're a comic.

Yeah, but a lot of people know how to do it. Everyone keeps saying the algorithm keeps changing, and I'm like, I have no idea what I'm doing.

But that's what's good. If you stay in your lane, it'll come right back to you.

It's not coming back. It's been 20 years.

You have a special on fucking Netflix right now. It doesn't mean anything. It means a lot.

To who?

To me.

You already have your own specials on Netflix.

Who cares?

This is about you. You're not the person I need to impress. I need somebody that's going to come out to my shows.

They come out to the shows.

I don't know because they told me. I didn't know that they give you your numbers. They do. They give you your 10-day and 28-day numbers. That's right. I'm like, okay, I I was surprised because I have no following at all.

What do you mean? You're surprised that they give you the numbers?

I was surprised at the number of people that have watched it. I'm like, that is not reflected on social media.

Right.

How do those people ever come see you?

Yeah, I don't know. Well, I mean- They don't. They don't. Right. Sorry. No, they do. But the more- Don't lie to me. The more you push it, the more you talk about it, the more it gets into the zeitgeist of the world of comedy. Maybe. It's good, and you're very funny. You're very funny.

I mean, I- Well, thank you. But you do say that about everyone.

No, I don't. Do I say everyone? No, I don't say everyone's funny. You're untrustworthy. I just won't. I won't say it if I don't think they're funny.

Really?

Well, I just will just talk.

You're just like, Hey, I think you're great.

Yeah, you're great. Yeah, they're great. They're great.

Or they're cool. Do you never tell anyone you think they're funny? You've never been in a situation where you're like, Oh, good set, and someone had a terrible set?

I'll be honest and say that I don't say that. I don't do the good set thing.

Okay.

Very rarely. If I see you do a good set, I will come up to you and say, Dude, I love that blah, blah, blah, blah.

Right. Or you could say, You were having so much fun. That's a nice way of not saying good set.

Weren't you up there having fun?

Man, you just really had a lot of fun up there. You were up there having fun, weren't you? You were fucking that stool and you loved it.

You're just a fun, fun, fun, It's a fun comic.

I haven't seen people fuck a stool in a while, where now I almost think it's funny.

It's funny if it's someone that you wouldn't expect. If Ryan Hamilton did it, I'd like this is going to crush.

Oh my God, that'd be amazing.

Yeah, do you know what I mean? If someone like that did it. Hamilton did a bit the other night that I'm not going to do because it's his stuff. But God, he's so funny. He's so He's beyond. He's one of my favorite people to watch. I think he sits in the pocket very well in a way that I get flustered sometimes. I can feel myself being like, get out. But he'll sit in something that's working through I'm not as good at that. I get nervous and I'm like, get out and do something else.

So you'll just abandon a joke?

Yeah. If it's just mediocre and I think the next tag isn't even that good, I'm like, whatever. I'll just move on. I don't love... Some people are so comfortable in the silence. No, man, I'm not good.

That probably forces you to write better jokes.

More. Just more. It's like, you better have something else. If that thing is weak, and I'm doing four sets in a row out in New York, because I also get threatened when I come to New York that I'm like, you better do good, dude, because you don't live here.

I can't think. That's how I feel when I come out here, though.

Same thing. Yeah, we have that anxiety of like, You better do good. You don't live here. They don't see you all the time. People that see you all the time at the cellar or people that see us at the store, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. Were you ever You feel like bomb, and it's so fun because your friends are there watching you just bomb.

One of my favorites. If the night is also bad, like the crowd's bad, the night's bad, the other comics were doing terrible, those are the best nights.

And you just go up and you're only playing to them.

Right. And then you can tell really wild bullshit.

Oh, Oh, yeah.

That's never going to make it out.

They just hate you so much.

Those nights are really... Those nights are my favorite OR nights when in the original room, it's half full. It's a Wednesday, it's off. It might be just after a holiday, where it was a three-day weekend. Nobody wants to be there. They were paper tickets that they're handing out on sunset.

That's the worst, yeah.

Well, do they hand out anything at the seller or no?

They don't hand out stuff at the seller, but the seller now does this thing where they have a QR code. So if you're unhappy about something, people are saying stuff.

You mean they can comment about the comics?

Yeah.

Fuck that.

Yeah. They'll be like, If you have any questions or concerns, let us know what your experience has been like. And that was not always the case. And I think people who will just be upset by a joke I had one set where I left there and I go, That's going to be a problem. It was just too many jokes that I've said. I just knew it was... And it was a problem.

What was the thing that... You don't have to say the joke, but what was the topic that said people- I don't even care.

I think it was a dark it. Then I went into the Middle East and some girl in the audience went, Next. I couldn't let that go. I couldn't let that go. Then when that happens, I dig a deeper hole. I'll just keep going.

You're deeper and deeper with her about the Middle East or about her?

I did the Middle East. Then I went on a thing where I was like, Are you trying to silence me? I'm a white woman. I'm trans. I'm diabetic. I just went on that whole thing that upset her. That was just upset. Then I think I doubled down a school shooting. I just was so annoyed. Dig deep. Yeah. When I listened, because when Esti was like, We should have a talk, and I was like, I was like, What? Just tell me. That's the worst thing, too, when she emails you and you're like, Just tell me. Don't make me have anxiety for three weeks till I see you.

Right.

Just say what I did wrong. She was like, It's nothing bad. I was like, It's definitely bad. It's bad.

Yeah.

She's like, I'd rather talk to you about it in person. I'm like,. I asked to see the set because I knew what it was. I watched and I was like, this actually Because I was like, I hope I didn't call this girl a. Because that's the thing. I was like, I don't know. I can't get crazy like that.

But that's okay. Isn't that okay? I think that is like...

I don't know. I think people get really offended by it. I don't think it's offensive, but other people... I just didn't know if I said that or not. So I watched it. I was like, actually, I did better than I remembered. So when I seen her, she's like, you're a good writer. She's like, and you have smart jokes. She's like, could you spread out some of the darkness? I was like, And first she was like, well, if someone says something to you, don't respond back to them. I go, well, that's not going to happen because if you don't shut these people up, they'll just keep talking. Also, the seller used to shut everyone up. They don't really do that anymore now.

You know why? This is the new world of like, crowdwork clips and all that stuff.

Crowdwork clips and They don't want negative reviews, I don't think.

That's such bullshit. It's so crazy. For a comedy club to have all positive reviews would be- There's no way.

Yeah.

That'd be weird to me.

Yes, but also I think, too, people are doing these crowdwork clips, too, so they don't want to shut them up. But it's like, if anyone is talking to me, it's not that I want to talk to them. I almost rarely will talk to someone in the audience.

There's only so many people that are really good at that dance that can get back. Atel can get right back. Yes. He's great at it. He's able to do it and get right back in a very smooth way because he ingratiate himself so well that everyone's like, Okay, we'll listen again.

But I think a lot of comedy clubs are... I don't know. I think a lot of them are just like, Don't want people in the crowd to be upset. I don't feel like it was that years ago, and I feel like now every comedy I was like, wants everyone to have a good time, obviously, but doesn't want to ruffle any feathers. I worked at the cellar where the cops got called, I had to get walked to my car. I don't know how that would go down now.

That's not a good review.

That's not a good review, but this was years ago. Yeah.

Just ask that girl next time if she wants to shoot a sketch outside. You want to go outside and shoot a sketch? Like a little sketch we can shoot.

Yeah, but I was just saying it. It just seems like the culture, and this was before Crowdwork Clothes, but it just seems it's changed a bit.

Yeah. Well, I will say I'll toot our own horn a little bit, but the Comedy Store, they're no bullshit. They'll throw you the fuck out real fast. They don't play, and they're still trained to really clip people. I love that. And I will say the mark that was left by Mitzy was that the comics rule. So fuck them. If they don't like it, they can fuck off. She's pretty good about it. That's the standard at the store still.

Mothership is obviously like that because- Well, yeah, because- Right. But that's great. As soon as someone talks, they should be like, You're getting out of here.

Get out. The only time that I... And I'll play with someone a little bit if they're getting too much, and I'll go, I love you, too. But it's usually somebody being like, Fuck, I just love you, dude.

You're like, I love you, too, man. They love you so much, but they can't contain it.

I love you, too, but you got to cut it out because you're going to fuck up the rest of the show for everybody.

And you're going to get kicked out.

Yeah. I've only had to do it, honestly, a very handful of times. But when it does happen, it's a relief for everybody because you're like, Dude, we did- You're looning it for everyone. We tried so hard. You're running it for everyone. Yeah, don't do it. We We ride so hard to let you stay. We want you to stay. I want you to have your chicken wings and your pizza.

But sometimes they're just too drunk.

Yeah. I mean, certain cities, too, it's undeniable. We played... Where was the guy? Philly, the guy that threw up on the first three rows?

I mean, Why are you throwing up?

This is insane.

Also, people in Philly drink as soon as they wake up. It's crazy.

Before the show started. When people were getting seated. Seated. Some guy over two rows. I opened up the curtain to look. I'm not kidding. 30 seats This guy's spray- What was it, Baltimore? A Philly or Baltimore. It was one of the two. I think it was Baltimore.

Both trash.

It's the same beautiful place. I love Philly so much.

Because my parents were there sitting right next to where the puke came down.

Oh, it was Baltimore then. That's right. I was impressed. It was like, this guy barfed before the show even started. It happened twice. It happened over the balcony. Well, someone threw up in the balcony, too.

And he threw up down?

Yeah. And then the other person cleared out his row.

Pretty cool. As we were getting seated. My friend was at a show and this guy had a stroke and he just shit his pants in the front row.

And you just have to stop the show and get this guy outside.

But there was like, shit.

By the way, that's how they seat. They're like, You look like you got a stroke. You want to be in the front row? I was at I was in New York Comedy Club one night, and this lady was maybe...

Where was she from? Maybe England? I don't know. But she fell. She must have passed out and then shit, and then went in the bathroom and made a mess in there. And And then she went to go into the showroom to sit down. Oh, ma'am. He does. And they were like, We're calling you an ambulance. You have to get the fuck out of here.

Is this not okay? Yeah, I'm not doing it. Back home, we can do it. It's just fine.

I think the husband had no idea that she just shit all over the floor and then shit all over the bathroom. And she had a dress on, and none of it was on her dress. It was like crazy.

That's class.

That's English people.

Keep that shit contained. Yeah, they're good at that. I had a poor person. I had some person. I don't even know if it was a man or a woman or whomever, but at Nashville, Zanies, on the top balcony. Someone had a medical emergency as well, I'll say, because we don't know what it was. But it was so creepy and scary because the silence was deafening. I thought somebody died. Like, He had a heart attack and died, and everybody was just standing up, giving me these eyes. I was like, okay, well, let's take a break. Let's let everybody calm down.

What happened? Like, somebody just screamed?

The DMT came and then they... I think- Oh, welcome back. I think somebody... Who What is that?

I bet I think Bobby met it. Bobby saw somebody. Idiot.

I think somebody... What a loser. That was wild timing. What are you doing? What are you doing? Say hi. Don't be rude.

Hello.

What are you doing here, by the way?

Do you hate me? That's at four, right?

He's an hour early. You're an hour early. What time is it now? And you're interrupting my pod. Wait, wait. Come here. What time is it now? Hey. Robert. What a cunt. Say hello and fucking say, I'm sorry for interrupting the show.

How are you What are you doing? Do you want to sit on my lap? Dark Queen, huh?

Dark Queen of Comedy right here. No, don't let him sit down. Although the Ozempic is working, dude. The kid's looking thin.

Oh my God, you're so skinny.

He's losing his butt. Are you being real? You are losing your butt. I'm not going to lie. You have lost your butt. My Brazilian butt? Your BBL is gone. Well, Asians are supposed to have flat ones. Go get a coffee and leave. I don't want to fucking talk to you anymore. Pig. I hate him so much. You guys love each other. More than anything on planet Earth.

I wish you guys were gay.

We're pretty close. The comments would argue we are.

You are gay.

I love The amount of people in the comments that say, This shit is so gay. It's gross. Because we are pretty free on the show, but people get really creeped out by it. I think people get mad. We had a drag queen do a book reading, and people got real mad about that. The book was called Don't Touch My Dinosaur.

Was it a good book?

Really good. She killed. She was so good.

What did she do? She was just reading or she was dancing?

A little bit of everything, really. She was a performer.

Okay, I like that. She was a performer.

It was a performer.

It is weird because when all of the people are upset about the drag queens reading, I'm like, how come they were all unemployed, though, and able to read to kids? How come none of them have a job? That was my one concern where I'm like, why are none of them employed?

Yeah. What are they up to? I guess- They're probably just comics waiting for spots at night.

Maybe that's true. Yeah. So the days are free.

I mean, we're in drag. We pretend like we are regular people. And such. What a lie. Yeah, that's true. It's the best lie of all time. When we do go out in public and we don't know how to function. When you see comics in public, when you see a comic in public that doesn't know you're seeing them, it's such a funny experience. You're like, look at how weird this person looks in the wild.

Just roaming around by themselves lost.

Yeah, with a headphones in, trying to be cool a little bit, but it's not working. It feels like how when a robot isn't integrated yet and they're trying to make it talk to people and you're like, oh, no, it's not working, is it?

Like Mark Norman.

It's not working. Why is it not working? Yeah, I do love the kid. He's my He's my little comedy soulmate.

Yeah, I could see that.

Have you found one?

I feel like I keep switching. I have a couple.

Louis is definitely your comedy soulmate a little bit.

Maybe.

I think so. He fucking loves you.

I don't know.

He does.

I guess so. It's weird. I don't know how to take love.

Yeah, I can see. I know. Yeah. Watch this. I love you. That's weird. See? That's so uncomfortable. I really love you.

Oh, my God. I'm going to go drink.

I love you so much. Oh, my God. No, no. Go, please. I'm kidding. When was the last time you had a sip?

I actually had a glass of wine with Ari and Louis. I took them out for doing everything for me. It was like a thank you. We got a bottle of wine. I don't think wine is that good. Sofootgrapes. It's not great.

Not a fan. I don't even understand it.

But I do like anything where I can numb out and just not think about stuff.

You say you switch your addiction. Sure. Is there one that you're afraid to touch because you know that it'll cripple you forever?

Maybe like, heroin? I feel like that's everyone's, though.

You say that, but I don't know. You think I can bounce back? I turned off to the culture more than anything.

Oh, I think I'd have a good time.

Because I'm a neat freak.

I think you would totally not care about being neat. I think it might be exactly what you need.

The anxiety of becoming unneat is why I'd be like...

But you're going to not even care. You'll be like, I'm so unneat right now. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I'm in this park.

Imagine me on heroine, everyone's nodding off and I'm cleaning up the house while people are nodding off on my own.

They might love that. You'll be the only person that knows exactly where their heroine is.

Because everything's tidy. My base level. I know exactly how much age to do.

There's a story about a professor that did heroine, recreationally.

Really? Yes. Who is this?

You're going to ask that guy to look it up. Yeah, ask the kid. He was in a pretty prestigious university, I think. Maybe NYU.

Is it Carl Hart?

Well, go ahead. Your guess is as good as ours.

I have no idea. He just popped up.

What does it say he did?

What professor is he?

He did heroine Recreationally, because what a cool thing.

I mean, he's known for research on recreational drug use. I mean, he popped up when I looked up Professor Recreational Heroin. It doesn't look like... He looks pretty young, actually. Maybe. When was this?

Two years ago.

I was going to say maybe this is the guy. During the During the- I think he's black, right?

He is black.

The acid test years, though. There was a lot of professors doing acid. This is him.

That is him. Yeah.

A recreational heroine user. Carl Hart. He's 58. He looks great.

I wonder if sometimes he does it. He's like, I want to do more, but then people, what they say it about me will be right. He's fighting to not do more heroine, probably all the time. I'm sure. Because everyone's like, you're going to one day not be able to come back. He's like, no, I have it under control. Every time he does, he's like, I fucking want so much more.

Yeah, it took In his 25-year research career, he found that most drug use scenarios caused little or no harm, and that some responsible drug use scenarios are actually beneficial for the human health and functioning.

Sure, but not the best one.

He revealed the heroin, though, was one of them.

Yeah, I think I think that's a very small percentage I could, I would assume it's just him.

He's the one.

I think it's just him.

He's neo. There's got to be only like... That is such a selective thing. In fact, you've heard these stories about the acid test years, and those professors said there was a lot of experimental acid use, and they said that they all kept it under control. But the truth really is they all broke.

Everybody broke. Yeah, you have to go bug wild.

Yeah, because they were like, Well, I want to try an extra dose tonight just for the research.

He looks great, though.

That's exactly what- He looks fantastic.

You know what? Because you're sleeping so much.

Yeah, you're constantly napping.

Yeah, you're just sleeping. So you just look in a restful state, I think.

I guess I could use some heroin to get some sleep.

I don't sleep well. It actually wouldn't be bad for you.

All right. Again, this is probably the worst legal advice I've ever had.

But I'm not your legal counsel. You are. I'm your friend.

I know, but honestly, I have to trust you in case I get busted.

We can't. I can't do that. That's fine. Don't trust that to me. Have Bobby as your lawyer.

No fucking way.

There's There's no good Asian lawyers.

There is no good Asian lawyer. Google that. Are there any good Asian lawyers?

There's got to be at least one.

There's got to be one good Asian lawyer who's a baller.

He's the guy that- He's killing it. Every Asian person wants to hire them.

We can't get a hold of Chang. He's impossible to book.

Dalip Sing Sound.

Dalip Sing Sound. Yeah, I know him. Yeah, okay. No, Dalip Sing Sound is famous.

I'm having data over right now. You've never heard of this guy. Dalip Sing Sound.

It says he's Indian, though.

Which is technically Asian.

It is, but it's not the Asian we were talking about.

You know what the fuck we're talking about. Don't play that game.

He's just the first one that popped up.

So maybe what we were talking about was true. Was there no picture?

No. Fine. Then I looked him up and then it was.

De Lip sing song, though.

De Lip sing song.

Hiram Fong.

Oh, Hiram Fong.

Hiram Fong. What? Hiram. These are all lawyers that were... This guy became a US Senator.

Really?

There you He was born in Honalulu, though.

I like Dilip Somme better. Dileep Saur.

More fun name.

Yeah, Dilip Singeong.

Dilip Singeong.

He was the first Asian-American elected to Congress.

Well, that's pretty fucking. What's his name?

Dilip Singeong.

Dilip Singe Sound. S-a-u-n-d.

But this is the Indian guy.

Yes. Yes, but again, he's taking this Asian thing because they're allowed to.

I know, but you know. Come on.

Isn't that funny? If you have a conversation with them and they're like, Excuse me, you're like, You know what I mean. You're not one of them. You're not one of those.

He was elected in '57. That's crazy.

That is crazy.

What a time.

What's the last country you'd visit?

Before I die?

What's the last country to visit before you die?

I don't know. I just like the beach. I liked Australia.

Yeah, that was fun.

Did you go see those quacas? We did.

Were they cute? We went to Rottnest Island. Yeah, they're cute. They're like big rats.

Did you go with them to Australia? Yeah. We did. That's really cool for you. Privileged. Wow. That is very privileged.

Privileged. It makes me sick, dude.

You should have hired a black person so you could take them to all these places.

We thought about it, but talk about unreliable. So what I was-Yeah, that is actually, they don't make a good case for themselves.

You just want to help them and you can.

No, he was... You know what? We got him because he was a vulnerable, sweet young man that works. He makes a lot of mistakes, though. An unbelievable amount of mistakes.

Like major ones? Yeah, dude, he has some fuck-ups. Does he book your flights and stuff?

No, I would never let him. He's too dumb to do that. He can barely book his own shit. He's not a bright kid. He's committed, dedicated, and artistic.

Look at his shoes. But those shoes doesn't mean he's dumb, though. Yes, they do. No. Yes, they do.

That means I'm a hard worker. I work my shoes to the bone.

Why?

Like that? See, the kid thinks there's bones in shoes. That's how dumb he is. Fucking idiot. Don't do that.

What mistakes does he make?

He slipped up on a lot of weird stuff. He's overslept. He's not coming in on time. Have you not done that?

Like once or twice.

He's done it enough.

I used to talk to a guy that was a foot surgeon, and he overslept, and he lost his job.

Really? One time? Was he out partying?

I don't think so. He used to be an alcoholic, and he didn't want to go to AA meetings because he was scared he was going to see someone there that would tell on him. I was like, Yeah, but you're getting help for it. But yeah, he overslept, and then he just- Why do alcoholics anonymous?

It's so not anonymous. Why don't they have those things- Where you just wear a bag over your head? They should have some, or Like a priest, like a confessionary or something? They should all be in separate cubicles where you don't see people.

Well, maybe for LA because everyone here is famous, but in Kentucky, who cares?

You go to famous, they go to famous. Well, Kentucky, even worse because it's a small town that everybody knows all your business.

But everyone already knows.

That's also true. I think here, though, you should have some type of separation. There should be an AA where you're segmented all.

Well, you could do, I think, Zoom and stuff. That's probably better.

Yeah, but you have to feel the presence of people to make you know. Because Zoom, I mean, when you do Zooms, you're like, this is I'm I'm doing everything else while I'm on Zoom.

I'm texting.

I'm cooking. I'm taking a bath on Zoom.

You could. You could do whatever you want.

I'm taking a full bath on Zoom. Yeah, it's meaningless. It is meaningless. And it also can't communicate how you really feel. It's impossible.

Phone meetings are better, probably, because you have to actually be on the phone to hear someone, I guess.

There's something about the tone of your voice on a phone that tells something more than the Zoom. Zoom can be faked.

Yeah, I guess I could see that. But anyway, this guy is like a foot surgeon or whatever. And I used to make fun of him because I think it's like a loser doctor. Well, it's not chosen for sure.

That's like a last resort. Yeah. You ended up there.

No one goes. Is it the loser of doctors?

The loser of doctors is What's the kid one? Pediatrician. Pediatrician. That's loser doctor. You're a loser.

Or something a lot worse.

No, you're a loser doctor because honestly, you're not really fixing much.

What if you're a child surgeon?

Awesome. Beautiful people.

So just the pediatrician part is- Yeah, a general practice going that's saying, What's your name?

You got this ? It's bullshit.

I bet I could probably... Don't you feel like you could be a pediatrician?

100%.

You would probably not misdiagnose kids.

I mean, it's pretty easy. Also, they're fine. They'll be fine. They'll grow out of it.

Their bones will repair. If something happens, well, no. Yeah, you'll be fine. If you start growing like that, we're going to say you have spinal bifido or whatever the fuck. Scoliosis.

Scoliosis. You remember those tests in school that made you bend down in front?

I had to do that in front of my doctor without clothes on. I don't think that's normal.

That was a fetish he had.

It was a woman.

How old were you?

It was also a black doctor. I feel like she did it to put me in my place. That's right.

I was like, I'm wearing nothing.

I'm bending down, touching my toes. You're just looking at my asshole. It's a little weird.

To make you spread? No. Yeah, spread would have been even funnier.

I think that's when my mother would have drawn the line. I think my mom was also there.

That's such an uncomfortable. When I got my first physical for sports, the guy was feeling my balls, and my dad stood there and I was like, Why is this okay? Why do we need you? Why?

How come he wasn't in prison then?

No, no. Stepdad. Stepdad. Should have clarified. But you know what?

That's really weird, your stepdad there.

No, he's a good dude. He was like my dad.

No, I don't mean like... I just mean like, I don't need you there.

Because I was a minor, I think you have to have an adult in the room. Because I was 15 or whatever when I played high school. When I got to high school and I did the thing, I think he had to be in the room legally. Right.

But 15-year-old is enough to know if you were getting molested.

It should be- Yeah, but it doesn't mean you'll keep it a secret.

No, you shouldn't keep it a secret.

No, but I'm saying, but they could manipulate you at 15. Boys at 15 are 10. They're basically 10. Wow.

He still seems like he's 10.

Well, he 100% was molested, and I mean it wholeheartedly. Oh, you were? He has night terrace. He screams at night. He's just screaming on the bus.

How do you know he's screaming? Oh, God.

On the tour bus. On the tour bus. And he would yell, No, please stop. Don't. Oh, my God.

And I'd run out of the bunk sometime into the main I'd wake up standing. I'm like, Oh, no.

Genuine.

Why do you take this guy with you on the road? That's horrifying.

We want to see him break.

I don't know. He might be a fucking murderer.

No, he's too. Honestly, he's such a softy. You say that. Look at his eyes. He's got big blue eyes. But he does have serial killer face.

Didn't Bundy also have eyes like that? Bundy was a babe. But the guy that shot the CEO, I think is hotter than Ted Bundy.

So hot. The Italian kid? Luigi. Luigi. Do you see they They showed out that they were like, he had back problems, and everyone's like, I love that they're giving him context of why he was in pain.

I still want to know what the reason was why he did it.

We're about to find out in a day or two.

I heard he lost his mind and alienated himself from his family for a last couple of months, and they hadn't heard from them, and this is how they heard.

Yeah, but what's the root of that? Somebody was like, There's Luigi. There he is. He's in New York. How did he get there?

What are you doing in New York, Luigi? Why are you killing this man? Come back home. Come back home, I'm He's like, I murdered somebody.

Like, Yeah, but you come home. You come home. You can come back.

We all murder somebody. I call them. Come on, you come home. It's a family tradition. I call them. You murder, you come home. I can't believe they got him, but I do have this conspiratorial part of me that's like, That ain't him. That ain't the killer.

You don't think it is?

No. They were like, They found a manifesto in his backpack. I was like, Really?

I feel like that guy- That was just a mind comp.

I don't believe that he had a manifesto. These things seem clean. He wrote a manifesto and carried it around with him and got stopped at a McDonald's. I was like, what? You're telling me he made it out of New York only to get caught at a McDonald's?

In Pennsylvania.

You're bullshit. It seems like bullshit.

Do you think that he's doing this to throw him off their tracks for that real killer?

A piece of me does. A piece of me also thinks that NYPD and everybody. Yeah, look at him cute.

What is he holding up?

He's holding a Happy Meal. Happy Meal. Well, the Lion King one.

That was good. He also seems a little bit like Arrested Development. Doesn't he seem childlike?

Yeah, he sounds like a kid. He looks like a cute little kid. Have you seen him with his shirt off? They had a picture of his ripped. Yeah. He's jacked.

That's good for prison.

Huge for prison.

He's going to be hot.

But if you're that guy, you're Pennsylvania, you're going so far. I'm going so far away.

But if he's mentally insane, he probably thought he wasn't going to get caught.

Yeah, I guess. But you just disappeared somewhere in the Carolinas. You're good. Appalachian, dude, you're gone.

Who the fuck wants to live in the mountains like that?

But they'll never know you're there.

That's what's crazy. Go to Mexico.

Too far. That's far. That's really far from New York.

I mean, you have the time.

You're not working. Yeah, but you can't fly, so you got to find a way to constantly get a car ride to get south. That's so far.

It doesn't seem like it's that far. Mexico. Appalachian Mountains seems way further.

It's much closer to New York. Well, I don't know. We got to get you a map.

Oh, I'm not good with locations.

Yeah, it's much further. Significantly so. Well, okay, what's the first border town if you're headed south from New York? What's the first Mexican border We used to go party to a border town south of Texas.

Yeah, it'd probably be like El Paso or something, right there on Texas.

That might be the closest. That's so far. It's very far. That's like a 24-hour drive.

I mean, he got caught days later.

I can tell that you haven't left New York. You grew up and stayed there your whole life. I did. Because you're like, Appalachia seems like it's further than- I never know where anything is.

I always think that everything's like an hour away.

It's like an hour away. Yeah, because for you kids, it was growing up. Everything on the East Coast was like, how do you get there? It's a 45 minutes drive.

Sure, we drove everywhere. Philly, Boston. You can get everywhere. But I don't know where anything is, really.

You're not good with any of that.

Like Minneapolis, no.

No clue where that is.

I know it's that way. I know. I can't go. It's the water and then that way.

Did your family vacation when you were a kid?

We didn't vacation anywhere good. We went to Pennsylvania.

Yeah. Never Jersey Shore.

Did we go to Wildwood? Maybe we did Ocean City.

Ocean City, yeah. No Long Island?

No. Never. We never went to Long Island.

That's fancy.

Yeah, we were not fancy.

Yeah. You were trashy. Not trashy. Working class.

I don't know. If only one of your parents works, is it working class?

It's work class. It's a class.

It's a class. My mom should have been working. Because you get older, you're like, Hey, why did you just do nothing? And we had nothing. Why didn't you go do something? Why didn't you go do something so we had some stuff?

What is her?

She'll be like, I was taking care of you guys, but she wasn't.

You weren't She was not present.

No, she was like, I guess I just told Ryan. I guess high school was a mile away from where we lived, and it would be freezing, and she had a car and didn't work, and she would just be sleeping, and we walked to school.

What? Was she an addict at all?

She's depressed, but we're all depressed, lady. Drive me to fucking school and then go back to sleep.

We're depressed. Just put the sun visor low.

My mom's very selfish, though. One day, she was going through a divorce, and I worked for this divorce attorney, and I called him up and I was like, Hey, will you meet with my mom? It was like 45 minutes from my house. So I pick her up, we go drive there, we go meet him. At the end, she goes, Is there a reason why I'm opening all of the doors? I go, What? I go, You're just getting there faster. I'm like, Walk slower. She's like, I don't know why I'm opening all the doors. It's like, I literally took all day to come here, bring you to this guy, and that's what you're saying.

Sounds like a lovely woman.

She's just like, real selfish.

Is your mom hot? She's okay. She sounds like she's got it like that.

I mean, she must. She always gets husbands that pay for everything, but she's fucking annoying.

Yeah, but that's why they like her. You think? Yeah, there's a duality. There's a thing that happens when she's cute and good-looking. Annoying is perfect.

Well, she's annoying, all right? She's pretty fucking annoying.

But you love her. Say we love her.

I do love her, sure. Yeah. I mean.

About how many siblings?

I I have one sister and then a bunch of half siblings that I haven't met.

You don't know who they are at all?

I know who one of them is. I grew up a mile away from my biological father and his family. Whoa. Yeah.

You'd see him all the time?

No, I've seen him once in Caldors when I was a kid. Then I met him in 2017, and that turned into a whole fiasco. His whole family's jealous. He was sneaking around to see me. I'm like, this is weird, dude.

Sneaking around to see his own kid?

Yeah, because he had married someone that had two kids before him, so that wasn't birth child, and she was jealous of me. I mean, the whole thing was crazy. His wife wrote me a seven or eight-paged handwritten letter to stay away from her Joey. It was crazy.

Who has a time to read that?

I mean, I did. I read it on my podcast at the time. I wish I could I wish I could find it because the letter was so crazy.

It was like a long threat to get out of her life forever.

Yeah. I don't need to be in your... I don't want you guys as my family. I was just meeting him.

I just want to see the guy.

Yeah. He has red hair. Well, now it's gray.

That's your connection. Red hair, yeah. That's why Louis likes you.

Maybe. Me and Louis are both Hungarian also.

Oh, yeah. Hungarian Jews. That's right. And you're Mexican. So we know. And we're Mexican. I want everyone to do me a favor. Go buy a ticket to see the app AppDog. The AppDog. What's your website? Is adrianabaluchi. Com. We'll put in the link in the description below. Please go buy tickets because she's saying that people aren't going to come by my But you will, and you should because you're extremely funny. You're very talented. Thank you. I would say to any of my black fans listening- Do you have a big black fandom? Two, two guys.

I love it. That's two more than me.

Two guys. She's available. She's single, right?

I am single, yeah.

So get back out there.

If you have a lot of problems, I just can't.

You got to be a real easygoing guy.

You got to be an easygoing guy.

Easygoing guy. Really got to put up with a slow and low lifestyle and no drama. That's all she wants.

No kids either. No kids. Fuck that. Unless they're older. Unless they're older.

Unless they're 30.

Unless they're like...

Out of high school. 20? Out of high school. Got to be out of high school, and then she's available.

Or you just abandon them. It's I feel fine. Same, same. Same, same.

Go see her live, please. I mean it. I appreciate you coming here. Thank you so much for having me. I know you're on a big run. Please watch on Netflix. Right now, go watch The Dark Queen, and we end the episode the same way. Look into that camera right there. You You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. It could be a word, it could be a phrase. It's your choice. This is a lot of pressure. Yeah, a lot of people say that, but you'll find it in your heart. What can bookend the episode better than whatever's in your heart and soul?

Dead babies. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger field.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers, I'll no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.