Transcript of Fortune Feimster Joins The Show! | Whiskey Ginger

What up with you, Jinger fans. Welcome back to the show. If you're new to the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, tonight. Tonight, I'm in Philly. Philly. I'm at the Met. Cannot believe it. Thankful so much. Love Philly, man. One of my favorite cities to perform. Then tomorrow, I'm at the Beacon in New York. Then I go back to the West Coast, and I'm going to do myself San Francisco, San Diego, and Phoenix. San Diego, we added a show. San Francisco, we added a show. Then I go to Boston. I have four shows in Boston. Come see me. Boston, I love you. Then I got four shows in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where I'm shooting my special. Please come on and see your boy, AndrewSantino. Com. For those tickets, AndrewSantino. Com.

In here, we pour a whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk Dirty.

And Ginger. Like vampires, the Ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a puja. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginger's a hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's the return of Fortune Fiemster. Yeah. And back in attack, my wife and I watched your special the other night in bed together. Oh, that sounds sexy.

Got us in the mood. Come on now. Got us in the mood. If I can- That suit you're wearing got me in the mood, baby. You're like, boing, boing.

No, she was like, boing, and I was like, boing, boing, boing. Wow. We make different noises. I'm honored. No, it's great. Thank you. Fortune Special is out right now on Netflix. You're one of the only people that Netflix really wants to continue to do specials with everyone else. They're like, get out of here.

I mean, listen, I'll take it. I've been doing a radio show for them for five years. I don't know if that helps.

No, I think it does. And you're very funny. Thank you. And you're one of the funniest people I know, genuinely. I've loved you for many, many, many years. You don't miss, man. You're so funny. You're just very in your pocket. Some people know their own voice very well, and you do very much. And that's the last compliment I'll give you. That's it. Thank you. I'll take that. I'm done. Now the criticism.

Tell me what you didn't like. I mean, I'm super proud of this one. Like all of us, I'm torn my ass off. I've done the last two tours in three years, 100 cities, 150 shows. Gross.

Are we okay?

What's wrong with us? We're not okay. No. And so I feel like I put the work in. I was hoping it would be good enough.

It's good. Thank you. Yeah, it's good. It's very funny. You must watch it available on Netflix right now. Actually, all your specials are on Netflix, right? Yeah, they're all there. How many you have now? Three or four?

So if Netflix goes under. That's good.

Two people buy you. Well, how many are? Four, three?

Three hours. Three.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Did you do another one with Comedy Central?

I did a half We're Comedy Central and a half hour with Netflix as well.

Oh, you did the half hours with Netflix?

Yeah, I was with the Nate Brigazzi and Nicki Blazer. Who's that? I know. That small unknown comic.

No, I do know her there. I'm not a fan of either of those people. Nate or Nicki. I'm not a fan of either of those people, Nate or Nicki. I'm not a fan of either of those people, Nate or Nicki. Nate or Nicki. No, that's great, dude. That's a good class. Yeah. Yeah, no, you are in the family now with them, which is good because it builds up the library. It only makes people go back to it. You and Papa. Yeah. Papa's the same way.

But I still want to live up to that. So this special was in the... Who's counting? But it was in the top 10 for eight days. You are? I did count every day. Where did you shoot this one? At Seattle. Oh, really? At the More.

At the More Theater? Yeah. Love me some More Theater.

That made me feel good. So it wasn't like I People actually watched it, which is the hardest part, is getting people to actually watch it.

By far the hardest part. Have you ever shot in the South?

Yeah. My Sweet and Salty special was in Charlotte, North Carolina.

I mean the South-South.

Oh, like deep South.

Yeah, dude. Get your ass down to Fadville and fucking call it a day.

No, I haven't done that. It was enough doing it in Charlotte because that's my home area, and everyone was hammered. There's one guy was just yelling, Lesbian, during my set. He just learned the word.

Baby, say the pronunciers for me. I'm just like- I told you, Craig, it's lesbian. Keep being lesbian.

I was like, I know this is said with love. This isn't a hate crime, but it's just still we're recording. I don't need you yelling lesbian.

Yeah, it's a weird heckle. Yeah.

I had to stop several times to be like, Guys.

What? Really? I love you. You didn't insert it into the special, though. No. No, that never made it.

I was like, I I love you. I appreciate it, but I do have to film this, so let's all simmer down.

Let's take, have you seen on HBO, James... I don't know how to say his last name. Acaster? Acaster? James Acaster?

No, I haven't seen it.

I'm an idiot. I think it's Acaster. Hackester? Acaster? Yeah, Acaster. He's a British comic.

Look at that mustache over there.

Yeah, he's a pig. Don't give him any compliments. But James, in his HBO special, I watched a little bit of it the other day. In the first four minutes, there was a in the mic. Really? And then he switches to a wired mic, and they left it in the thing, which is fun. I think the special is called Heckler's Welcome.

So he wanted it to be fun.

It was fun. It's cool and subversive and wild. He's playing the drums in the first couple of minutes of it. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. So it's cool to see what people leave in. I'm filming soon, and I'm always curious about what's going to be loose and dirty and what's going to be tight. Where are you filming? I can't I don't want to say. Got you. Yeah, we're going to make a little secret. People know. I think people know.

I think people have started it. The last one was Cheeseburger.

Cheeseburger, yeah. That one I filmed in Denver at the Paramount Theater.

Did you like doing that?

I love Paramount. Do I like doing specials? No, I hate them. No, I mean the paramount. I like everything but more recording because recording is such a weird- It's hard because the tours are fun.

The shows are fun and loose.

And recording is like,.

Yeah, and all of a sudden you're like, this is the people's titan. This is the people's titan.

Yeah, I don't know why. I mean, Well, the jokes are still there that I love, but it does something to your rhythm. It definitely changes the way you present.

It just makes it a little stiffer.

Well, people don't know. People do know, maybe. I'm not saying that. It's just people don't understand that when you're in your process, you have to think about the way this cuts. It's like there's movement that matters, there's rhythm that matters. Saying the joke the exact same way does, unfortunately, matter. Our inherent instinct is to not say things the exact same way. To mess around. It's a little tougher for us The fans would be like, Well, then just do one and done. You're like, Yeah, I can't because sometimes someone gels lesbian in the middle of my show. That happens more to me than you.

That does happen to you a lot.

You dumb red-headed lesbian. You lesbian. Look at this big ginger lesbian No, I thought people yell out, they ruin shit. It's a part of it.

Is it a wilder audience when you and Bobby are out there together?

Yeah, dude. He shows his butt hole.

That feels like insane, right?

Yeah, it's absurd. Actually, it's It's calmed down. I think the beginning of the tour when we did it was absurd. I mean, we had guys throwing up in Philly and Baltimore. We had people get kicked out.

You just had stage jumpers, though.

Stage jumpers. We had a guy jump on the stage. Yeah, we did that. And the security, lightning fast. They got up on stage after the guy, maybe a minute and a half or two minutes later. I mean, he could have stabbed us to death.

Yeah, I was like, you're dead at this point.

Yeah, he had a full minute to just hang out. And then we looked at the security like, what's up? What's up? And they were like, all right. And then they climbed on. I was like, this is definitely not part of the show.

Oh, man. It's wild. I had someone that was passed out before show, and I guess in some induced situation. She came to during my opener set and was like, where am I? And was freaking out. She charged the stage and went for the speaker to throw it off. Two lesbians in the front row see that the security guard is just chilling, watching this. They jump up and try to grab her, and she's swinging.

It's a full on fight. It was wild.

That's great. In Wisconsin.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. You have all that cheese in you. All that dairy is going to bubble up some anger at some point.

Brandy old fashioned.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

It's like Christmas All that brandy.

They love brandy up there. Love it. Yeah, because I'm from Chicago, and Wisconsin has a particular... They have a particular way of eating and drinking that is unmatched. I don't know if any city can out eat and out drink Wisconsin. I don't think so. I don't think so. They lead the country in DOI's. I do know that. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, and also, they don't have a limit. You know, we have a three-strike law here in California. If you have three DUIs, your license is indefinitely suspended. What you have to do is you have to go to court to try to get it back at some point.

To get it back. You're like, I'm sorry.

There's a woman in Wisconsin who has the most DUIs. I think there's one woman who has 18 DUIs in Wisconsin. What? Yeah, it's incredible.

She needs to start taking the bus.

No, no. Guinness called her up and was like, Look, dude, this is impressive. That's too much. She has the most... At one point, I think one of the women up there blew the highest BAC they've ever recorded. What? Yeah, you know how Florida man- Ladies, what's happening in Wisconsin? They're running away from these guys. Just trying to drink themselves out of these- These lumbar checks. Dating these men. What does it say?

There's actually a guy from South Dakota named Jerry Zeller, who had more than 30 DUI.

30 in South Dakota. Come on.

He was not killed by alcohol, but by a cigarette that started a fire in his house.

Wait, he did die? He did die.

Wow. Well, yeah, dude, he's dead. I mean, after 30- He had it coming for sure. So He fell asleep with a cigarette in his mouth, which, by the way, that was the product of alcohol. So incorrect. He didn't die directly from alcohol. But smoking in bed is a huge, huge problem. That's funny how many houses set on fire for people smoking in bed. Yeah, don't do that. You need a cigarette that bad?

You need it that bad.

What's your bad vice? You have any bad vices? Food, for sure. Yeah, but I mean, everybody loves food. Do you have anything that's like...

Do you have anything that's like, real bad? I feel like food is bad enough for me that if I don't want to add drugs also. Yeah, right. I I remember, I think it was Tom Arnold that said about Farley, you can either be fat or do drugs, but you can't do both.

Yeah, that's actually really smart.

I picked cake. A cake is close to heroin.

By the way, I'd rather eat a full cake than have a OxyCotten because cake is- I picked my lane, bud. It's endless. You got to stay in it. Fucking food. Okay, what's your sucker food then? What's the one that's hard to say no?

Sugar is a big one for me.

But it comes in all forms or is there one way that you like to take it?

I don't mind dessert after every meal. Yeah, me too.

I'm a cookie monster.

And I'm like, Why am I doing this? This is a treat.

Because it's good. Yeah, but you deserve a treat. You work hard.

I know. That's my problem. I was like, I deserve a treat.

I'm a cookie monster. I can't avoid. Cookies are so hard for me to say no. I can say no to most things. But if we make cookies at the house, I'm going to eat the whole fucking thing. That's it, yeah. Yeah, they're just too good.

But also my metabolism does suck ass. It is a genetic thing as well, because I don't eat nearly as much as other people that are tiny.

Yeah, like your wife eats probably more than you.

Yeah, and it just stays on me.

Yeah, whatever. Who gives a shit? Yeah, I'm adorable. Honestly, who gives a shit? I'm adorable.

You are. That's why I worked hard on my personality.

Same, dude. So I didn't have to go to the gym. I wasn't going to get rid of this red hair. I was like, I got to really have something else going for me, dude. You can't be orange and boring. You got to have some jazz.

See, you got a great personality.

Yeah, dude. You got to have some. What did we find about Wisconsin? Did that woman that came up? Or how many DUIs? So Zeller was the most with 30.

Jerry Zeller is the guy that keeps coming up.

Jerry. Wow. Good for Jay Zee. Oh, shouldn't mention that. Sorry about that.

I love Jay-Z. Oh, no.

That's crazy. But all these are Midwest. All these are like- All Midwest people. Yeah. That's how we roll. They like to drink.

My wife lived in Chicago. She's like, no one in LA drinks that much.

Well, yeah, they do.

They're like weed people here. This is weed culture.

But they also, in LA, they're binge drinkers. These are weekend warriors that go out and they get hammered on Friday, Saturday night. But in the Midwest, you drink pretty consistently all week long.

Yeah, every day.

Then on Saturday, you have an extra A piece of beer.

And bar culture is popular in Chicago, right? It's the best. That's where you go to hang.

Yeah, because honestly, it's the same thing in New York. Everything east of the Mississippi, truly. Because the weather's too good here, it doesn't matter. Yeah, you're outside in the park. If it's When you're in weather, you want to bond over a long, cold work day. It's dark by four. You're sad. You go to work when it's dark, you get out of work, it's dark. You're miserable.

I couldn't do that. Let's go drink. I'd be depressed.

Not if you drink.

Really? That doesn't make it worse?

Because you show up to the bar, your friends are there. The locals are there. There's darts, there's pool, there's a game on. There's a community that we don't have on the West because we're spoiled with weather. I can sit on my patio today. It's fine. Do you ever miss living in the middle? A hundred %. I don't miss the killing and the robbing. I don't miss any of that stuff in Chicago.

And the coldness.

I don't miss... Here's the thing. Cold doesn't bother me. Really? There's only one element that bothers me. What? Wind.

Wind is tough. Get the fuck out of here.

Wind? Wind sucks. Freezing cold, way too hot, fine. Rain, fine. Wind is just... You cannot... You're uncomfortable.

You feel cold and wet, even though if it's not raining because the wind makes you feel wet for some reason. And it's like a cold to the bone.

Yeah, it ruins your... It hurts your soul. The little guy inside you is just like, Come on, will you?

I get that. Jack Smith is in Chicago and wants to spend a little bit more time there.

Really? You're going to get a place back there?

Be, but not for full-time.

If you guys do, we will. How about that? All right. Let's split a place. You want to get a place there?

Or a duplex.

Yeah, I'm down, dude. Let's do it. We'll make a sitcom out of that. I love it.

Come on, I get a door. I'm walking on you brushing your teeth.

That's your opening. No, I think I would love to go back. I love Chicago so much. It's hard because this is where we are. This is where we're doing all the stuff.

Yeah, I know. And then there's, even this week, all these fun events have popped up.

Yeah, it's hard to say no to that. But it would happen in Chicago, maybe.

Yeah, just not from the business perspective.

How am I going to go to Bert's house from Chicago? How are you going to do that? I'm not going to be able to walk in to Bert's house and see you there and pet one of his nine horse dogs. I don't know if people know. He've seen Bert. Bert, for sure, has literal horse dogs. Big dogs. One of the dogs sat next to Steve Lee, Bobby's brother, and it was larger than him. And literally, I think the Steve weighed 146, and the dog was 158.

Oh, my God. Yeah, we went to Bert's, like a little dinner party for Bert.

It was really a little birthday dinner party.

It was nice. And he was like, I can't believe that my friends came and I didn't have to pay them to be here.

He did pay me.

He didn't pay you. You got a Venmo? Yeah.

Yeah, I did. I requested. I was like, Leanne, come on, click, click.

You're like, I'm not showing up for that.

No, not showing up. Not showing up without that paper.

No. It was wild to see comedians on a Monday night just chilling. Yeah. Not doing bits and not trying to- Well, nobody there was funny.

That was part of the big problem.

That was one part.

No, it was really nice to have a... Well, it's also because everyone... I think you reach a certain age in comedy, too, where you also want to feel human. So you want to do these human things, like go hang out with people, have a nice dinner, and just chat about the life in the world. Instead of our first 20 years in comedy, it's like everyone's nonstop.

Yeah, that's where my wife has gotten to, of just like, can we have friends and do social things?

Do Normal shit?

Have balance. I was like, yeah.

When you're not on tour.

We can work on that.

We'll try. Wait, are you on tour now? Are you on a break?

I'm on a little break. I'll be writing this next hour. I do club dates. It's from around California, like- Irvine and Brea. Pasadena, Irvine, Ontario, Oxnard, places like that, Huntsville, Alabama, where I can just work on it and not feel that pressure.

You do a whole weekend or one show?

Yeah, I'll do a whole weekend just to build it over the weekend. And then I'll start my new tour, Taking Care of Biscuits, in April.

That's fucking great. Now, do you always name the special after the tour?

No, never.

See, me too. I don't know why it matters.

I don't I know far enough in advance what it's going to be about. I know people think you should. It's like, I don't know that. I'm not a soothsayer. They wanted it to go on sale now with my special, and I'm like, well, I don't know what my next hour is. So I just had to come, what's a fun name?

Taking Care of Biscuits is great.

Taking Care of Biscuits.

I think that's really, really good. The best special tour names, sorry, tour names that I've seen in a while, Segura has been on fire because he does Coming Everywhere, Coming Live.

That's on brand for him.

Coming all over you guys I'm not even talking about. It's such a good... It's so good. I'm Coming Everywhere, I think was the first one.

I think of whatever is going to be fun on a T-shirt, on a tour shirt. Sure. Yeah, that makes sense. That's where I've... But I don't even think about the special name until Netflix is like, It's due in two weeks. What is the name of this? And I'm like, Oh, my God. It's so hard to come up with it.

Well, your original title for this one was Hitler Didn't Do It. Wasn't that the original one?

It did not pass. Why did they say no? Standard. I don't know if we can sell this, fortune. Yeah, they're like, That doesn't seem like a brand for you.

Have you ever played with your name? Have you ever had a special with your name?

Yeah, my last one, Good Fortune.

Good Fortune, that's right. And it was just because nothing- I was thinking more of a femester, but yeah, go ahead. That's fine.

Yeah, nothing came for the name no one can spell. It's just that nothing beat it. You know what I mean?

Good fortune, yeah.

And no story was sweet and salty. I had a bit in the special with that in it. And crushing it is because the victory involves a crushed ice machine. I always like to have a victory in my specials where I've earned something at the end of it.

Do you write Do you write your closing joke first? A lot of people like that. A lot of people do this thing where they try to find the close first and then go backwards.

No, I really don't know what is a proper close anymore, because in a theater, the closer you It's built to it, right? It's like, here's the- Ramping off. Bam. And then on Netflix, they're like, best stuff up front. And you're like, oh, okay.

I agree, though, because finishing a special doesn't matter anymore. People usually eat things in chunks. So whatever. I think you just put it where it needs to go.

I put it where it needs to go because the bit that everyone keeps writing me about is about my mom in a cemetery and falling in a cemetery. And it's 38 minutes in or something. Oh, wow. So I don't even think about that stuff.

And who cares? People will watch it because you're so watchable that people are going to... I referenced you the other day because I was speaking about you coming on the show. And I had said, Fahim and I talk a lot about comedy. And we were with Dustin Nickerson. And I A lot of people are very funny, but comedy, the true root of it is how it looks coming out of your face. Yeah. Fahim and I always say that, what does it look like coming out of your face? Because your joke probably won't work coming out of my face. I mean, culturally, obviously not. But I mean, even me and another comic that are closer in style, it's how it looked coming out of your face. And your face matters, but you are, the way you present your material is just as fun and funny as the material, which I think is the goal for all comics to be like, do I like watching this person say it?

Yeah, it's entertaining.

Yeah, because there's comics that write funny stuff that I don't know if I care about watching them.

I'm always shocked by there's a number of stand-up comedians who are pretty brilliant, and then they're not funny and in real life.

Yeah.

Well, that's- You're like, what is this?

Yeah. You go ahead, start saying some names. Isn't that interesting?

Say some names. Let me just burn the house down right now.

Go ahead.

Because by nature, a lot of stand-ups are neurotic. Those neuroses show in everyday life when you're seeing them try to interact with people and be social.

Yeah, or they don't interact at all. They're very like... And I understand we all have our days, but there's a couple of people that are very inward and do not I don't want to talk to anybody.

Yeah. So stand up, everyone just assumes it's the funniest person. I'm like, it's not necessarily the funniest person. It's who can craft a story and spit it back out to you.

It's definitely not the funniest person. No. Growing up, I have some unbelievably funny people in my life, but they're also loose canons.

Could they get it together?

No.

If you get up there and write something, they'll be like, no, no way.

No, no, no. They're just loose and falling apart in front of our face. And it's nice to watch.

So part of the job is the writing. A big part of the job is the writing.

The love? Presentation. I think you constructing your being is just as important. You know that when you're young, someone's like, find your voice. You're like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then you realize, oh, it's me as a performance entity. That's what it really is. It's like, how do I look? How do I create this aura of person to give to them?

It is fun, though, to watch, at least the people in our age group that have come up seeing everyone evolve in into the comics they are. That is cool.

It is cool. To watch. Yeah, no, it is beautiful to watch. It's interesting to see certain people that went higher than I ever thought. It's funny to see people that went lower. I knew that was coming. We'll put up a list. No, no, no, no.

Here's our PowerPoint. Whenever I say put up a list, my editor Joe will put up a list of people, and I'm like, No, don't do that.

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I like ginger.

The world is coming to a close pretty soon. I do feel like we're reaching- It's all over. I do feel like we're reaching our critical mass. You don't think so? I think this is it.

This is why I'm not having kids.

I'm not Same. It does feel like something's a bubbling. I feel just like the tension of the world is about to crack.

Like we're a bottle that's being shaken.

Yeah, it's about to explode. Or really, if you really in a more literal metaphor, we're just one of those musket guns. They packed so tight with all that shit. They're like, Well, I got to shoot it eventually. I can't keep putting gunpowder in here.

Thank you for a musket reference.

Yeah, well, you love muskets. I know you used to collect them. My little musket friend.

I was all of a sudden get out my three No, but the gun thing is like, I feel like we're...

I mean, I'm referencing, of course, this guy shooting this dude in Midtown Manhattan. I feel like this might be the future. People are going to be like, You know what? I'm just going to go kill somebody.

It's wild. And then TikTok's like, writing songs about it.

It's like, what the fuck? Tiktok's like, this guy's a hero, dude. We can't stop talking about Luigi. He's just on my tongue. Luigi. Mangione. I mean, the name is great. He's handsome. He will be cemented in history as this guy that started a revolution. Now, whether or not other people start following suit and play. What do they call it when serial killers do that? Copycat. Copycat theory? Oh, yeah. I don't know if it's going to happen, but I got to tell you, it sure does feel like it. I don't know. It feels like an Ivy League kid did influence non-Ivy League people to maybe take up arms.

I think he didn't read a manifesto of the Unibomber or something?

Oh, I don't know.

Is that true? So he was influenced in some capacity.

Yeah. Unibomber. Great dude.

Not a great dude. Not a great dude.

Terrible guy. Terrible guy. Terrible guy. Anybody that kills at random, bad people. Bad people. Don't kill people, man, please.

We're just here to spread positivity.

Well, we're just trying... Look, all we're trying to do is make people feel good. And then the irony is that people, when they're angry, take it out on us. They're like, shut up, clown.

I know that people get very angry at happy people.

It's weird, dude. It's so weird. But do you have the manifesto? Is that true?

I think someone told me I look like a penis. A penis? Yeah, because I had a pink suit on. I was like, listen, I'd love to be able to confirm or deny, but I'm not very familiar with penises.

I think it would be more vagina than penis, to be honest. That's what I thought. My penis isn't really pink. It's not pink? What color's my penis? Yeah, you know. Macone, you know better than anybody. What color is it?

Red.

It definitely has more red tone to it. You know what it is. Well, I guess you can't really look down when it's in your mouth. Do you guys... God, dang it.

Do you guys just walk around?

Thinking about our penis?

No, seeing each other's stuff.

We see... Okay, so when we're young, there is a critical moment in a young man's life when you see your father's penis, and that does something to you. What is it like when you see your mom naked when you're a kid?

It's the boobs you see.

As a woman, as a young woman, you're like, Oh, wow.

And you're just like, Oh, what are those things? Interesting. But we don't really pay attention, I think, to the badge.

Well, yeah, because it doesn't stick out. Yeah. Right. You don't... Of course not.

It's not an Audi. It's whatever is hanging.

It's hanging on the body. Yeah, whatever is hanging off. If it's a hang or you're going to look- Unless it's abnormally large. Mom, look at that. Look at those curtains. No, so when you see your dad's penis as a child, it does something to you mentally.

Because you're like, Is mine supposed to look like that?

I hope mine gets that big one day. Because you see it when you're a young boy and you're like, Oh, my God, that's what a penis looks like? Because yours is so When you're small, when you're a kid. And then you're just like, Jesus, I hope it grows. And then there is a lot of relief when you get older. But it is a weird thing when you're a young boy and you see your dad naked. Because dads are always really, especially Midwest dads, they're just so free with the nudity. Really? Midwest dads will walk around with their balls. I didn't know that. Yeah, it just doesn't matter to a Midwest dad. I mean, that's how it was for us. You see your dad. You're going to see him. Yeah, that's what I mean. And it's just like a dad's in his underwear on the couch, his balls might slip out of the underwear. Right.

Yeah, my dad was free balling at times.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

And that was back in the day when you take the pictures and had to take them to Sam's Club or whatever and get them back a week later. So I remember my mom took all these pictures all week, and my dad was, I think, going through a midlife crisis. So it was free balling up a storm. Hell, yeah. And we were taking family pictures, and she gets them back a week later, and she's like, Mike, what? And his ball's actually just hanging out of every picture.

Dude, shout out Mike and his big balls. Shout out Mike and his big, beautiful balls. He was like, What? Let them nuts hang, dude. We're on the beach.

Like, literally every picture. Every family photo. He's sitting on the banister. Imagine he's on the banister, one nut on one side, one on the other.

Mike, you're straddling the banister.

Just hearing her get so Mike.

I do love that, though. That's a dad. Let a dad live. So, yeah, when you see that as a young man, it does make you... It's a little bit insecure vulnerability when you're very young. When you're 8, 9 years old, you're like, Jesus Christ, what is that about?

And then- As you get older.

No, and then you get older, you only see penises in locker rooms. If you play sports. And then- It's more like a high school thing.

Yeah, high school.

Then after that, you really I don't. Not really.

Unless you're peaking at the urinal.

Not really. No one likes that. And that's bad.

That's bad etiquette, right? Can't be like this.

No one really does that. I will say sometimes if I'm at a urinal urinal. And next to the small one, there's a low one. There's always a low one. A little kid comes in there. I will show him. I go, this is what it's supposed to look like. Oh my God.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. Fortune, Jesus Christ. Good Lord. No, I don't. We never... No, no, no, no, no, In the urinals, though, you have horse blinders on. It is weird. Almost, you just don't even... Yeah, you can't. There is always a wall, but you can't see because you're- You just know to look forward. Or down. A lot of us look at ourselves. Really? Yeah.

It's not always a wall, though. Sometimes they have a trough.

Oh my God. Yeah, trough at sporting events is weird. Then you're really looking at someone else's wiener.

Then you're spraying on each other, right?

That's spraying everywhere. Everywhere. Yeah, it's supposed to.

Disgusting.

It's so disgusting. It is so disgusting.

It really is. We don't give a shit.

Well, they should have a hose that that sucks up to it. That just sucks. I would rather that.

That's coming, bud.

I hope so, dude. Fingers crossed. Ai, get on it. Well, it should be at your seating a sporting event. You don't have to leave. You just look up a hose.

That would be nice.

Look up a hose. Yeah, same thing for women. Just have a little like a crotch brace. You hit a button.

I have a couple of friends that can pee, girls who can pee into a bottle driving. There's no way. I'd pee all over myself.

Driving? Yeah. Dude, I've got a hose, and it's hard for me. I've done it, and it's hard. I don't know how they do it. It's really hard to pee in a bottle. Just shove it up. While you're driving. Although, shout out to Gatorade. They made the mouth hole bigger.

Shout out.

Gatorades are way easier to pee in, too. A regular water bottle is so hard. That is so hard to pee into. This is small. You have to get it. It's going to spill. Let's see.

Yeah. Do it.

I peed in a water bottle on a road trip.

I'm going to drink this water first.

Yeah, and then I'll pee in it. Then I only drink it halfway. No, only once in a while have I resorted to that. Pretty rarely. On the way to Vegas one time, my buddy was like, We're not stopping.

And I had to pee. Which is crazy. What are you trying to get to Vegas for?

And it's five minutes. What really could we lose?

Nothing happens until midnight anyway. Have you ever- Or you go to a nice steak dinner?

Well, yeah, actually, I am. Have you ever been on the road, traveling on the road, driving from city to city, and you pass a car or a truck, and then you get off at an exit for gas And they're there. And then you get back on. And then 20 minutes later, you pass that same car again. You're like, I didn't lose any time at all. I just beat that guy twice. That's always nice. I love that feeling. There's something about it. You're like, there it is. That's it. We passed that truck when we got off. So we didn't lose a dime of time.

No time wasted.

I think you think you lose time on the road, but you don't. I think the math, one time I looked up, when people are speeding, you're gaining... If you're speeding exponentially, trying to beat out traffic, you gain only 10 minutes, depending on how many miles it is. Really? Five minutes.

It's It feels like you're gaining more than you are.

But you're not. Yeah, you're really not. And also then when you get there five minutes early, then you're going to waste that time doing something else. And I think the universe wants you to get there when you're supposed to get there.

And this is sponsored by SafeDriving. Safedriving.

Yeah, the average driver may save only 26 seconds per day of speeding.

26 seconds per day of speeding. You hear that, people? Why are we speeding? Stop speeding. Road rageing, all that stuff.

Because I've also had this crazy daydream. I've told him this for a while. I've had this nightmare, and it's crossed my mind during the day, of me in a big SUV getting into an accident.

Oh, I don't like this.

Like a suburban. I know, because we're in them all the time. And I fall asleep in them a lot. If I'm getting picked up in the airport- I was like, not driving. No, I will sleep and drive. I won't text a driver's drink a drive, but I'll sleep and drive. I will knock out at the wheel. No, because we're in suburbans all the time. So when I'm traveling, I'll just be in and out of it. And I've had a dream multiple times about getting out of a car, in and out of a car that got into an accident on the freeway. Anyway. I know. Scary. Please, God, knock on wood. Wear your seatbelt then. I do wear my seatbelt every time. Every single time. I used to not. And then I got into a fender bender in a driven car. Not a bad accent. But then I smashed my face on the back seat and I thought, I'm never doing this again. I'm going to wear a seatbelt on the back.

Yeah, because it used to be no seatbelts back in the day. Then it was just front seat seatbelts. But now I feel like all the new cars beep in the back seat if you don't have your seatbelt on.

Yeah, and you should because you don't want to get thrown through the front window. It's so embarrassing. It should, It's embarrassing when you see two people in the front have a seatbelt on and they were fine. But they were like, How does that hold? The guy in the back.

Yeah, he just flew through.

He flew through the front of the window.

You're like, Jesus, dude. Wear your seatbelt, people?

Yeah, wear them. Please wear them. I wonder what would happen if they had... I saw one of these Chinese adventurers had airbags on a motorcycle. Oh, really? It looked cool. Yeah, they were testing it out to see if the moment of impact, they blow up around them. If that helps. Yeah, because I saw a motorcycle accident the other night. I told them, and it always... I don't care how bad it is, how small it is.

It's bad. It's bad. I've been in LA 21 years now, and I have seen so many guys, it's usually guys, laid out on the freeway from a motorcycle.

It's awful. It is usually, guys.

That's our thing. Yeah. You want to die. There's some ladies that like a motorcycle sitge.

Yeah, but they don't get hit. They're safe enough to not get hit.

They're just going slow. It's the weaving in and out in LA. You can't weave in and out.

My dad was shocked when he first came in.

Are we 50, right? We're like 70-year-olds.

We're like, Where's your seatbelt? Well, you know what it really is? You got to check the stove before you go to bed.

Got to really be careful on those motorcycles.

57 % of motorcycle fatalities are male.

So just over half.

Oh, so, yeah.

All right, ladies, keep working. You'll get there. Ladies. You'll get there, man. You keep working. You guys keep speeding as well. You two could be as dead on a motorcycle. I've had too many friends lay them down and get really hurt and bad, bad, bad. In college, my buddy had one. I drove it around a little bit and I immediately knew that was a bad idea. I was like, That's a bad idea. Well, I had dirt bike. My buddy had dirt bikes. Even those, you're not on the freeway. Even those things, I'm like, this is so dangerous.

Yeah, I was riding a little mini one in high school and almost went down the hill into the river with it.

That would be funny to watch.

I popped off of it and I'm running, holding it. And all I was doing was continuing- Hitting the gas.

Hitting the gas. That's what they say. Your instinct is to hit the gas and not break. So you gas up and it takes you further.

I was about to go right into the river.

I Honestly, a great look, though. You know?

I would be missing half my face. Oh, that I don't want.

From the rocks. Oh, just getting dragged behind the bike. No, not good. No, we don't want that to happen. We don't want that to happen. We really want everyone to stay safe out there, I should say, please God, everyone on a motorcycle. Don't let me almost hit you. I've done that many times. I bet. I've almost hit so many guys on motorcycles. Just because I'm not paying attention to lane splitters.

No one's paying attention. That's the problem.

I know. Are you on your phone? Are you texting and driving? Be honest.

At stoplights, for sure. I am the whole time. I have had a cop be like, Hey, when they pull it beside you, and he's like, Hey. And I was like, I can't do it now. He's like, Mm-mm.

See, I don't understand that. I thought you could at stoplights. At a stoplight, it does make sense to text and drive. Yeah. It really does.

I was like, This is the break for the texting, right?

That's what it should be.

And he was like, mm-mm.

The light just says stop and text.

I'm having a conversation with him through my windshield. Not now. This is not. You're sure?

All right, well, I'm going to finish the text. I'm Don't pull me over. Send. Meanwhile, I see cops breaking the law constantly. For sure. Constantly. I see cops texting and driving on their phone. This is illegal. I see them doing that all the time. Phone to the ear. I'm always like, how are you? What do you do? Make a citizens arrest and be one of those vigilantes? Be a narc. Yeah. You want to be a rat? What do you want to be a big old rat? You're too much of a troublemaker. You can't be a rat, man. You cause a lot of crime and trouble anyway. You know me. You've probably never broken the law.

I mean, not in the serious ways.

Have you ever stolen anything?

When I was a kid.

What did you steal? What's the most expensive thing you stole?

Oh, it wasn't expensive. It was a piece of gum.

That's it? Yeah. You're such a good kid.

Well, my mom then said... I asked for the gum. She said no, and I stole it. And then, like an idiot, popped it into my mouth in the back seat. She's like, what are you chomping on? And I'm like, nothing. She said, you stole that gum? And then she made me march into the store sobbing, telling the clerk I stole from the store.

And you paid?

I don't think I paid, but I was humiliated into never You paid socially. I paid it with my soul and never did it again. I think I stole some rich crack. It was like food. I stole some rich crackers from a girl in the elementary school playground.

God, you're a good kid.

Shoved them in my mouth. And she's like, Where are my rich crackers? I don't know.

I'm spitting them out.

No crew.

Yeah, but that's That's survival, okay? I was hungry. That's survival, man.

My mom didn't send me to school with a snack. So stuff like that, that stuff.

God, you never were... You didn't do anything bad.

I'm a dumb. I'm like a rule follower.

No, that's wonderful. When we were kids, we just couldn't wait to break the law. It was my favorite thing to do.

What was the most expensive thing you stole?

A car.

No, for real?

No, I never stole a car. I said it with a son. I saw a man's family one time. No. The most expensive thing we stole was always like... I never wanted to rob someone of something valuable to them. We stole a lot of booze. We'd go garage hopping. We loved that. Stealing alcohol. I've never dined and dashed. I never did that. I never did a dine and dash because I always felt guilty because there were humans attached to it. But if I stole something from your garage, I didn't give a shit. It was in your garage. It was like a bottle of whiskey, or it was like, I don't know, a baseball bat. We stole minuscule bullshit.

They won't miss this. Look at a new one.

That's my prized. I got a house. Bottled booze. They got a house. They got a house. They'll get a new one. You know what I mean? If you were prized a bottle of booze, you kept it in the garage. In the Midwest, everyone has a fridge in the garage. It's just prime. If I saw your garage was open, because in the '90s, you'd leave your garage open.

Really?

Yeah, you just leave your garage open when kids would come home and they go in and out and And that was a normal thing to see. There was always a fridge in the garage. There was always beer for dad in the garage. Always. Yeah, it's just a cultural thing.

I remember the Roseanne sitcom. Didn't he always go to the garage for beer in the fridge?

I don't remember, but that sounds right.

I feel like something like that.

Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, it's just I don't know what that is, but it's very cultural. Every house in the Midwest, no matter how big or small the family, they have a secondary fridge. You have to have two fridges. It's so strange. Even if it's just a family of four.

Yeah, we did not have that. That was not a thing for us. In the South?

Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, well, you guys are crazy savages. You eat outside with your hands. We're just fed.

We're just... Nothing stays in the fridge. We're eating it. What's going in there?

There's no leftovers. We're done. No, it's just... And my dad is from North Carolina, so I grew up with that culture, too. Southern. Southern food culture shocked me because I thought we had good unhealthy food in Chicago. Oh, ours is all fried. But it's oversaltet, deep fried. It's good, but it makes me feel like shit.

Very unhealthy. Every time Jack, my wife comes home with me, she's like, I need a salad, a vegetable, something. This is not okay.

The amount of salt. My legs will swell up out of my jeans because it's all salt. It's unbelievable. It's crazy. My grandmother used to cook country ham, where you salt it, dry it, salt it, dry it, and then cook it, then salt it. I was like, I'm eating a block of salt.

How did I eat like that all the time?

Because it's culturally so normal that no one even thinks about it. You don't even... It's wild. It's not even like a... Guys, this does... You started on it so young. Now that my parents visit out here, everything here, my dad's always like, Everything's so healthy here. I'm like, It's just regular food.

Yeah, it's not like that insane.

It's not that healthy. But his diet is absurd. My dad, for breakfast, eats pork rinds. Really? Loves pork rinds. He'll eat a jar of pickles, pork rinds, and olives. He doesn't eat... He He hates eggs. He hates an eggs and bacon breakfast. So he'll want pork rinds or he'll eat slommy. You know what I mean? He'll eat whatever's in the fridge.

Do you look like your dad at all?

This is my stepdad. My real dad. No, I don't look anything like my real dad. I don't look like anybody, really. I think I'm adopted. Oh, no. This is a found baby face.

You're at the fire station.

Yeah, 100 %. Even the firemen were like, Keep it outside. Who knows what that thing is going to do? I It looks like my mom in my eyes. This part of my face looks like my mom. My dad is pretty tall, so I got the height from my dad because my mom is a leprechaun. They're tiny people. The Irish are all so small. I'm 6'1, and when I go to family parties, I'm a behemoth. You're just a beast. Yeah, I used to hit my head on the going downstairs to my grandma's old house and everybody else. I could see who all was there. That was the benefit. There was no way I could. Me in Japan was the coolest moment of my life. Walking in the streets of Japan as a somewhat above I'm not going to go to Japan. Oh, it's unreal.

I've heard it's amazing.

Great. They're the sweetest people, the coolest invent. The progress socially.

Really?

Dude, everything you've ever wanted is there. Yeah.

And the food's great, too, right?

It's incredible. I know some people are like, even the subway The subway sushi is good. It is. It is. Even like an on-the-go thing. I'm not saying it's the best you've ever had, but it's good. It's good enough where in the way that someone goes, how would the subway sushi be good? It's like, how is a taco truck in the gas station by my house good. Same thing. It's just a cultural thing that they are always on the go, so they need super convenient. But their convenient on the go stuff is so much more efficient than ours.

And fresher.

Yeah, but there's also no line for a thing It's like, you can get it if you need it pretty quickly. If you need it, it's there. Where here, if it's popular, there's a line down the block. You know what I mean? And they're like, Until we sell a lot of croissants, you're like, all right, well, I guess I'm not going to fuck. I'm not waiting for an hour to get a croissant. I'm sure it's just still butter. There's nothing to it. But no, Japan is a place to go. I recommend it to everyone. Go to Tokyo and then go down south, go to Kyoto. Do you eat meat or not a meat eater? Yeah. Yeah. Go down south, man. That's where the beef is, baby.

Where's the beef?

We got the beef down there. I got that wagyu, dude. I'll take some of that wagyu.

I did that the other night.

We went out to dinner, and me and Stavros and Bobby and my agent, and we ordered like my agent was paying. It's my favorite. I love taking out a business. Because you're like, oh, we're going to overcharge this for sure. Screw you. You guys have been ripping us off our whole career. Yeah, this is the chance.

I'm absolutely going to charge you. Yeah, dude. Wagyu.

You know I'm paying you guys percentages of my income in perpetuity for my whole life? I'm ordering the Wagyu.

Stamros is so fun. I would love to go eat with him.

The most fun. Yeah. And he really is a light eater. Really? No, of course not. That's insane. You bet on that so fast. That's nuts. What are you talking about, dude?

You were in three steaks. No, dude.

He lets it rip. But he was actually a really good boy. He lost a bunch of weight. Really? He did. And then he gained a little bit back and he's working back again to... He's going to get on the Oz.

Oh, Ozempic.

He's getting on the Ozempic. Got it. Bobby's on it. He's influencing all of our friends. Really?

Does he like it?

He's lost, I think... He said 13 or 14 pounds. I said it last time, too. He guessed the number. I think it was just over 10. Yeah.

But Bobby's so tiny. I mean, I know he's got the belly, but he's not like some big dude.

No, but so his weight is probably more detrimental because he's not tall. Do you know what I mean? Right. True. Short round. You know what I mean?

He is short round. Short round. That's what he calls him.

He's 100% short round. He is, dude. But because he's more smushed.

If he just shaves him with those pubes, that's at least two pounds.

No, you think that's all the weight? All the weight's around his balls? He does need to shave his pubes.

I've seen his pubs more than, I think, any man. Or woman. Just on stage. Just him on stage alone. He's pulling it out.

Imagine being his best friend on tour with him. I've seen it all. You know people have sound check? We have pub check. So we do...

You're over there...

I get to the venue early. Is this good? Is this shaped nice?

That's a friend right there.

I would do anything for him. Who is that to you? Who's Who's your Comedy Confidante?

My Comedy Confidante. Well, she's not a stand-up, but Gillian Bell. You know Gillian Bell? She's been my best friend forever.

She's so dope. I think she's so talented. We don't know. We don't really know each other. We might have met once, but I think she's fantastic.

She's amazing. She's an actor, and has been in a lot of movies and stuff. But we've been writing something together for a while. We're just like, please, Hollywood, let us make this thing because- You two together would be incredible. Yeah, we know each so well, and we write so well together. We came up with the groundlings together. Oh, you did? So we have a movie that we're trying to get made, and I'm just like, please let us.

Well, she's so good. You guys are... That would be fantastic. Honestly, yeah. Tell her I'm a fan. I will, yeah. Tell her, yeah, because I like her. Well, we have so many mutual friends. It is funny in this business, you have a lot of mutual people that know each other, but the ships never pass. We just are out at sea sometimes doing our own thing.

And I have a lot of good friends who are comics. I'm close with Mateo Lane. We're very tight. The gay You know it's gay. We got to stick together.

I was just at his house. I was at Mateo's beautiful little house in New York.

Me, him. Yeah, he bought Sam's old place.

He did. Yeah. Sam just moved upstairs. I know. Yeah. That's so great.

And I'm asking Mateo, How did this work? You just went I'm like, I'm really into real estate. He's like, No, Sam was just like, you want this apartment? That's awesome. And I was like, cool. I was like, there you go.

Cutting out all the bullshit is so much nicer than going to the... We just had to sell our house. And it's just a nightmare. It's just a back and forth. And their agents talk to our agents, and then they want something else.

You got to fix things.

Yeah, it's like a whole thing. Well, we didn't. We were like, fuck you. We put so much money into our old house because when we bought it, it was not in great shape. So we fixed so much. At some point, you're like, Fuck you. Buy it. I'm done. I did so much to it. I put in a new HVAC unit in a whole thing. Everything was new, redone. When they had small stuff, we were like, get bent.

You're like, Yeah, that's just nitpicky.

You go do it.

So did you find a place that you're pumped about? I'm living in my car.

Hello.

Yeah, we are. It's a nice car, though. It is. It's a nice car to live in. In here, we pour whiskey.

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I like ginger. Yeah, we bought a new build, and now we're like, I don't think this is the right place, but we're like, We're not going to make money on this house.

Well, you just got to stay in it until it breaks even.

And I don't think I want to do that.

You want to get out?

I think so. Damn. Yeah. All the business people are like, That's five to seven years. I'm like, No.

How long you been in it? Two. Oh, that's fortunate. I know. Settle in a little bit.

It's built It's for a family. It's too...

It's not right for us. Go ahead and brak. I heard it. I saw it underneath your tongue.

Seven bathrooms.

Seven bathrooms? I don't need that. Damn, dude. I don't need that. That is amazing. That's so many bathrooms.

So many. But there's a bathroom in all these rooms.

Damn, dude. That's huge. Can I sleep over? Yeah, please. I'm coming over, dude.

I just want to use these bathrooms.

When you have bathrooms, Dana Carvie said that on this show. He's like, be weary of empty room syndrome or something like that. Is that what it was? That he's like, you'll buy something sometimes. If you don't have a family or your family's already gone, he's like, you'll walk into a room. You're like, I fucking never go in this room. I was like, well, that's a privileged perspective. I get it, but I get it. But I was like, I don't think that's my problem. But he goes, you can get there on accident and realize, why did I get a place that I need more than I needed?

Our house is not crazy.

$12 million isn't insane for someone like you.

No, not even close to that. It's just It's laid out in a way. It's not some huge house. It's just laid out very bad.

Seven bedrooms has got to be pretty big, though. I'm not going to put you on the spot. $4,000. Got to be more than that.

No, I swear to God.

That's it?

Like, 41.

Are the bathrooms next door to each other?

That's what I'm saying.

They're tiny rooms, and they all have a bathroom.

I'm like, why? That's a lot. When we were looking at it, I don't know why we didn't process this. But yeah, 4,100, it's not crazy.

Does she love it?

No, it's fine. But we We know it's not home-home.

What is home then? We want to find- Here in Los Angeles or elsewhere?

Oh, it's here. Yeah. Oh, it is here still. But I think we want... This is two story. We want to go back to our ranch.

I see. Our first house was a ranch, too, and that was always my dream.

I love the ranch.

I like a long house.

I want a wide house. Yeah.

I don't want the- Up is a waste. Yeah. Let's go out.

Let's go wide.

I do like that.

But that's hard to find in LA.

It is. Well, there are a lot of ranches. They're just tiny, cute little tiny, smaller houses. You want something that's- My old house was a ranch.

I loved it. Why'd you sell it? It's so small. Yeah, same. 1,600 square feet.

Mine was 600 square feet.

Our sweet spot, your tiny home. Our sweet spot would be like three.

Yeah.

If you can find it, you just go way out. All these developers buy those small ranch houses and tear them down.

I know. Well, I mean, look, we really should get out of LA, if we're being honest, because we're paying taxes to a place that's burning in hell. I mean, this is silly. Malibu is on fire. Yeah. What's What's going on? I feel so bad.

Malibu is on fire a lot.

All the time. Get out of there. Get out of there. It does feel like a place where you're like... It's like New Orleans. What if it floods again? You're like, It's going to. We should get out of these places. Malibu is always on fire. It's so pretty.

Who doesn't want to eat at Nobu?

It's pretty for eight months. Yeah. I like to go to Nobu when everything's on fire. That's the only time I go. So we're closed for fire.

An eight-hour traffic jam to get out of there.

A one road to get in and out. It's stupid as shit on earth. I love when people try to suck you into that. It's not that big of a deal.

You know what I'm thinking about? I think not Malibu, but living in the beach might be fun. For whom?

For me. No, thanks. You don't want it? What am I doing over there?

Well, that's true. I mean, Are you going to go lay out?

Get burnt? Well, who are you? You think you're an olive princess?

I'm tan mom over here.

Tan mom. No, do you tan? You don't tan. No. What are you doing? What are you doing on the beach?

I don't know. Beach life seems It's not? For what? I don't know. Chilling. No, you're chilling at home.

Dude, I've done this so many times. Walking? No, I walk in my neighborhood. I hate sand. What is it for? It's so annoying.

It does get up your butt.

It's Everywhere. And then it's all over the car. Then it gets all over the house.

And then if I do bring my dog- We wouldn't live on the beach. We would have to live like 10 rows back.

To me, it's like, then why go over there? Why go over there if you're not going to live on the beach?

I don't know. It just seems... I'm entering my beach face.

Yeah, okay. By the way, you're going to be there and then two years be like, why are we at the beach? I need to sell this one. Your business manager is like, fortune.

Tantino, get ready for my bikini body. It's coming. I am, dude. I'm in, dude.

You don't want to see my bikini body either. When I wear a little speedo. I just don't like the beach because it's impossible to get to. It's hard to park at. It's not fun to be at. Our beaches are long. It takes a long time to get from the beginning to the water. It's too long.

I know I'm going to rent an Airbnb for a month and see how I like it.

I dare you to do that. You're going to hate it.

I dare me. I dare you to do it?

Look, if I was going to live at the beach, I'd be in Florida. Because their beaches are way better. On the Gulf side, it's so nice. It's warm water. It's quick to get into the water.

You just have to evacuate a couple of times a year.

No, I'll just die. Take me out.

I'm going down with my house.

Just take me out, dude. But I think Florida is the beach in terms of where I actually I would live, even though I don't want to move to Florida. Yeah, Florida beaches because they're just so nice and cozy and the culture is very chill and no one really gives a shit. Our beaches are still filled with crime and heroine and homeless. It's so sketchy on the West side.

Well, we'll see. All right, go. Go, do.

Invite me over. I do want to come over. When you get your beach house.

All right. You and me in a speedo and bikini.

Dude, photoshoot. We're going to walk down. I smell a photoshoot. Pale riders. Pale riders in the house. Whisky gingers. Dude, you know how I went to Bora Bora for my birthday, for my 40th birthday? Oh, nice. And I sunburned the first day I was there.

Oh, my God. You even try to put on sunscreen?

So much.

And it still is a- You're on the fucking equator down there.

Yeah. You're basically kissing the sun.

I haven't been to Oura Oura.

Pretty amazing. It was one of those lifetime trips.

How long did it take to get there?

I think to Tahiti was... Ten? I want to say 10. Ten hours? Yeah.

In my special, my first joke I look out is about going in the Maldives.

Oh, yeah.

And that was a day's trip.

Yeah, that's far.

It's 18 hours to Qatar and then another six hours, and then an hour Another hour plane. And I loved it. It was beautiful. But the trip itself. But I've heard Borbora's a similar vibe and way closer.

It is way closer, yeah. I mean, you have to fly to Tahiti, then you have to either take another little puddle jumper plane over to the island. It is beautiful. I mean, it's stunning. You get there by boat. I mean, once you land, you have to boat over to the spot, which is incredible. But dude, I don't know. I'm pretty burnt out. We just flew back from Western Australia, and that was 18 hours total. Yeah, that's a- 18. Yeah, 18 hours. That's a gnarly trip. Because Western Australia, you forget Perth is not I didn't do Perth last tour because it's another five hours, right? Fucking awesome. Is it? It's worth doing it. We had a fucking blast in Perth. The city is great. The crowds are great. You get to go to Rotness Island. We took a boat to go see the cuacas. The cute little... You I've seen these fucking guys? Oh, my God, dude.

They're so- They're like little rats with- You don't want to say rats.

I don't think I've seen those. Yeah, you've seen it online. You've seen what they look like online.

I've seen someone bathing them on TikTok, probably.

Yeah, but they're so cute. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you've seen the cuacas. So we took a boat to Rotnice Island. But honestly, the crowds were probably some of the best crowds. I mean, they all were great. All right. But I think Perth because everyone doesn't go. And so they're like, thank you for fucking coming and showing us love. But Western Australia had a piece of my I don't know what it was, but it did something for us.

Maybe the move is to do Perth first.

Well, we wanted to.

To go all the way out there first and then bring it back in.

We wanted to. But the scheduling, you're up for whatever they want. True. Yeah. So next year, Bob and I are going to... We're not going to do it anymore in the United States. We said we were done for a while because we did a huge tour. We did 60 something cities. Yeah.

And then- And your own tour at the same time?

It's separate. I'm doing my tour now. Now, okay. But I said next fall, Bob and I are trying to go to London, Dublin, Amsterdam. Nice. Yeah.

That'll do well.

I think so. People enjoy.

You two together are very funny.

Again, he's my little... He's my comedy crush. He's my little comedy confidante. He's your comedy- I've never found that in somebody as Yeah, well- He's not even going to crush. He's your- First of all, he's my girlfriend. Let's be honest, he's my little girlfriend. I've never found someone in a comedy that I've connected with so seamlessly in terms of our styles matching up and also being so truly different. We are nothing alike. Yeah.

I don't even think before you all started bad friends that you guys were that tight. I didn't know that you all were that tight.

Well, we weren't that close. I mean, we were just friends. We loved each other and we always fucked with each other. We just were always friends. But it took this for us to get very close.

To get to the next level.

Yeah, because we loved each other, but Bobby's not really a social creature outside of the club, so he doesn't really want to go hang. We would have dinner sometimes or we'd get food He's late at night. But he's sleeping all day. He's not hanging. We're not going to go for a hike. He's not going to go to the gym. You know what I mean? We have just such- He's just sleeping all day. He's sleeping there right now. I guarantee we call him. But why?

He's that tired?

No, he needs it. His little machine needs it. His little machine is recharging. His micro machine. His little micro machine. That's what I call his penis, his micro machine. I think he needs it because he's up all night playing video games. Oh, I see. Okay. So he's up to four, three or four, give or take, unless he has to work, and then he's very responsible. Then he's up on time. If we have to go to the airport, he's ready.

He's there. That's good.

If we have to work, if he knows it's a job- You got to be able to count on people if you're going to be in business with them. Well, if it's for money and it's a job, he's in. But if it's something else, he's like, I'm not doing it. Yeah.

At least you know that.

I know. Well, you figured it out pretty quick. No, but I never have met someone like that in comedy, and I'm blessed that it happened because I've said it a million times. It's the most fun I've ever had in my career. I love that. By a landslide. There's no TV or film that I've ever done. Yeah. He is my Arnold Schwarzenegger to you, basically.

Yeah, Arnold.

Do you talk ever?

Yeah, I was just at his house Saturday.

Whoa. Story.

Just cuddling.

Fortun. Fortun. This is how I love you the most. Cuddling at my house. Lay down, Fortune.

Fortune, let's go. Come on.

Rub my belly. You want to work out?

Let's go to the gym now.

He's amazing.

He's really cool. Yeah, we have a blast. We've done a second season a Foo Bar together. It comes out probably in the spring, I think. But he loves comedy, and he loves comedians. He loves to laugh.

Did you just go over for dinner?

No, this was a Christmas party.

But would you ever just have dinner with him? Yeah. It's tight like that.

We went to Munich to Oktoberfest with him. What? Yeah. We filmed in Prague the last little bit of our show, and he was going in like a week to Munich, and he's like, Yeah, come on.

That's cool. It would be cool to go to his home. He's from Austria, right? It'd be cool to go to Austria with him.

I mean, he's so popular over there. He couldn't walk two feet without 100 people showing up.

Well, he's just a fucking mammoth of a guy. He's not hidden.

But he's not crazy tall.

No, no, but he's wide. Yeah, yeah. He's unmistakably Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Oh, for sure. You're not going to be like, is it? And he's like a God there. They even have a song at Oktoberfest. They're like, Arnold goes to Hollywood. Arnold goes to Hollywood. Everyone's singing it. And we're like, what is this song?

Dude, that's rad.

He's leading the Van. Arnold goes to Hollywood.

Is that the only lyrics?

There's way more, but it's all- Arnold goes to Hollywood. Then the rest is in German, and I don't know.

Guys, we have to work on the song. Guys, we need some more lyrics. Only one lyrics is not going to get it done.

I did indeed go to Hollywood.

But he did go to Hollywood, and he still lives in California, which is amazing. Yeah. Once you govern this place, you got to stick around. That's right.

He loves it here. I mean, he's always ride his bike down to the Gold's gym. That's so funny. He's a very routine guy.

Oh, yeah. He likes it like that.

Likes the same restaurants, does the same things, hangs out with the same people.

That's nice. You got to create some corner.

We would ride bikes in Toronto, and he would just charge ahead. And you would hear on every corner, is that Arnold? Was it Arnold? And then he's just riding past people.

He doesn't give a shit. I like the idea of Arnold be like, You want to race me, Fortune? You're like, I don't want to race today. You've asked me every day we've ridden bikes. I don't want to race. Fine. You're going to be a wuss about it. You're never going to get anywhere in life. You're like, All right, dude.

It is such a trip to be with him, though, because there are few world famous people like that now.

Yeah, it's him, Tom Cruise. Who is that famous from that era, too, from decades ago.

Like Sly or somebody.

But even Stallone is quieter now in his career. He has that Tulsa King show or whatever, right? Is that what it's called? Yeah. But he's not really out and about as much as those other guys.

Arnold is just so So in the culture, pop culture. I mean, I would quote his lines to him all the time, and he just laughs, and there's so many. There's so many quotes from him.

Wasn't the joke that the line was, I'll be right back?

Yeah. Arnold wanted to say- And he said, I'll be back. No, Arnold wanted to say, I'll be right back. I'll be right back. And James Cameron was like- So Jim was the smart one. He wanted to shorten that.

Because he's a robot. I'll be back does make more sense. How much foresight did James Cameron have? This is pre-robotics, integration of AI and all that. He was like, I don't think they'd say right. I think that's how smart Jim Cameron is. I'll be right back.

To be like- It's more economical.

I just also think he just has a vision that There's a couple of people that have visions of stuff that they're like, No, I think this is actually what it's going to end up being. When you see great directors from the past, they would direct things that you're like, How would they even think that way to make something that's relevant today? That movie would still be a box office smash today. I don't know how many times you can do that with action movies if they'd work today. I mean, at face value, lethal. You could make it again, but you'd have to up it a lot. You know what I mean? You can make it up.

Because so much now has been made that I was piggybacking on. Piggyback in the old- It's the context it would be impossible.

Yeah, that is true. It's just so crazy to hear him talk about making those movies. Those movies we grew up with and were so huge.

It is crazy. He was so big.

Another It was a movie for him.

Yeah, it didn't matter to him. It was just another slate. Do you ever see the movie Last Action Hero that he did? I love that movie.

People love it, but it was one of his lesser watched movies.

Yeah, Jessie.

Minnesota's governor.

Minnesota governor, yeah.

But you know, those I remember the different days of like, he was telling one story about going skiing in Idaho and the head of a studio got on the lift with him and had a script in his jacket for him. That's crazy.

Yeah, I hate I hate that. I hate that that existed because we'll never have that. We'll never have that. Now you'll take six meetings and they're like, we're not interested.

Never. But it was like such a thing back then.

Well, they were more pined out. They're more sought after, but also because we're exposing ourselves so much on the internet. We're so- Over-saturated. Yeah, we're saturating ourselves. And God bless. That's right. That's what we're doing at this show.

See us on eight other podcasts. Yeah, dude.

But it's the part of the beast to move you through the internet because there's so much there.

Well, that's the thing. Even when you're doing all this stuff and people are still like, what else? Yeah, what else? Give me more. What's next? You're like, Jesus, go on.

I'm going to kill myself doing it. I'm actually going to end up dying of health complications because of it for you guys. But it's all for you. It's all for you guys. It's all for you guys. On my gravestone, I want the YouTube emblem, the app emblem.

And how many downloads you have. Yeah, my total subscribers.

But I want a digital clock in case it keeps going up when I die. Because posthumously, I'll get more views when I'm dead.

Hopefully someone's getting the ad money.

Yeah, My wife, she can't wait. She's like, get out of here. We just got the insurance policy. Get on out of here. Get out of here, pal. Thank you for coming in. Please go watch Fortune Specials, plural. You can watch her newest one, of course, on Netflix now and watch all her specials on Netflix. Yes, please. And go see her on tour. She's back on tour in the new year. Taking care of biscuits. Taking care of biscuits. Go see that tour. Fortunefeepster. Com. We'll put the link in the description down below. So click on it. Support live comedy because it's what we love the most. Yeah. We do like doing it for you guys.

We will die doing this for you. Yeah, we will.

We can only hope. We end the episode the same way. Look in that camera, say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready. Remember, could be a word, but if you have a powerful phrase or a words of wisdom, you can impart that.

I have a very powerful phrase. Okay, let's hear it. Butt holes. I didn't even commit to it.

Buholes?

Buholes. Put it up your butt. Okay. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are huge as well. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse.

Gingers, I Buttholes. Buttholes. Put it up your butt. Okay. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.