Transcript of Ari Shaffir is America's Sweetheart! | Whiskey Ginger

What up, boys, you're Jinger fans. Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. Please like it, subscribe it, send it to a friend, leave a comment down below for the Algo Rhythm. Man, so happy right now. I am in Atlanta. Last night, I played Durham. Tonight, I'm in Atlanta. Then tomorrow, I do Charleston. Not Charlestown, like Boston. Charleston, South Carolina. I go back, then I go back out and about. I do New York and Philly. I do San Diego, San Francisco, and Phoenix. I do Boston. We got four shows in Boston. Then, four final shows. I'm taping my special at the end of this tour in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Go to AndrewSantino. Com for those tickets. Andrewsantino. Com.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, Whisk.

Whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey This is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It is Ari Shafeer. I He has a new special. It is out right now on Netflix. The title of the special is- America's Sweetheart. America's Sweetheart.

Yeah, that's who I am.

I watched it. I watched your special.

That's crazy.

No, you didn't. Yeah, they sent me a- Not that they sent YouTube.

You watched it? I did watch it. Wow.

Yeah, I did. Why is that crazy? What do you mean? It's you. You know what? I take it back. I usually don't watch friends' specials. That is very true. But I did want to see because I was at your last taping, your last special. That's right.

I don't have it with me. I just made the vinyl. You're in there. Really? Yeah, us all drinking and talking.

Wait, I did see online, you pressed only so many vinyals? A thousand? They're all gone already?

No, there's still a few.

On areishafir. Com? Yeah. Good Go buy the album right now. But please, seriously, go watch America's Sweetheart on Netflix right now. It's available all over the world.

You weren't the last with it. What a joy you showing up. It was beautiful, man. The bro-dog.

Yeah, it was such a happy accident, too, because I thought, I think I had to leave New York the next day. And then I was like, no, I think I'm going to stay. I want to stay and watch this because it was so fun, and it was so beautifully done. This one, also, visually, it's gorgeous. It's cool. It's different. You're still you, which is that's-I'm still made I can't get away from that.

But I want to surround it with like, literally flowers to hide the shit.

It's beautiful, dude. It was really pretty. It was very well done. Let's talk about some inside baseball real fast. Okay. Just you and me. This is more for us than it is for the pod. Okay. But I saw you at the cellar and you walked in with a friend. We won't say names. Okay. You walked in with a friend.

I don't know who it is, but yeah.

Yeah, you do. I will soon, but long COVID- You walked in with a friend into the cellar. I was in the booth. You guys said hi. You didn't know that I said hi. He walked by.

Long hair friend? Yeah.

Okay, yeah. And he fucked me off a little bit. He gave me the finger as he walked by me, and I didn't like it. And then he came back to the table. Then you were with him, and he tried to say hi, but then I fucked him off.

You were like, No, it's too late now.

I could tell it bothered him a little bit. He didn't say anything to you, did he?

Officially, no. Unofficially, quite a bit. Good.

Fuck, yeah. It was funny the way he flicked me off and he did a very, Fuck you. And I was like, Okay. All right. So then he came back and I was like, Fuck you.

He loves you, though.

I love him, too.

He likes you.

I like him.

I couldn't say he loves you because I don't really know that, but I know he likes you. Loves is another. It's another thing.

Like, I love you.

Yeah. No, I love you. Yeah, That's love. But there are.

At the inside of the record. Oh, that is. That's awesome.

I love that. That's us drinking the Kaulele, I think 25. Yeah, that was. I had this bottle that I bought to celebrate. Then the fucking world went haywire. Mine first, then the whole. That's so crazy. I had to keep it in storage for a while. Then finally, I was like, I'm breaking this fucking bottle out when it's time.

Did you finish it that night?

Yeah, we finished it that night and woke up the next morning with my head in the dog bed, the dog off on the couch.

Love that.

I think everything's grand. I wonder if Beyoncé, that happens to her, too, if she gets tuned up. She gets so wrecked. If she falls asleep with her soccer on her dick.

She got that removed. That's gone. Wow. Cheers to Beyoncé. To Beyoncé and America's sweetheart. Here he is. Just a little sip. You love whiskey. I love whiskey, yeah. It's the only thing I actually really I can tell differences. I just like the... I like that you can tell when something tastes different, where when somebody goes, This is a good gin. I'm like, I can't tell you that's a good gin.

Yeah, whenever I get a tequila or something, what tequila, what tequila I'm like, What's a good one?

Yeah, what is the good? I don't know.

Don't sell me out, but just give me a decent one. Not like something rare, but don't embarrass me at the same time.

Fortaleza. Fortaleza? Fortaleza. That one's pretty good. Is that a rum? Fortaleza is a good tequila. But I just feel like I can tell which... Look, I can't be like, this one's worth this much money. But I can go, I like the way this-So that's just in the rarity, too.

Less bottles means more price. But also, I know the difference. It might not be better or worse, but I can tell you like, oh, that's a pedia one. Cool.

Right. Or this tastes more like a... Well, because bourbon always has a sweet profile, where some of them are sweeter than others. You can tell. You know right away.

You know my house drink, the Godfather? The major one?

What is this?

It's pretty much one part blended scotch and one part amaretto or whatever, slice of orange. It's Brando's drink. They serve it a lot in South America. They call it Padron.

What's it called?

Padrón, the Godfather. The godfather. Yeah. If you ask a bartender, some will know, some will like, I can look that up. It's pretty much one to one. But if it's bourbon, it's way too sweet.

Well, because the... What do you call it? Why did you say not Amaretto? Yeah, well, they fucked up everything. Because that makes it way too sweet.

You need something to I need a touch of- You've never made me that at your house.

Every time I come over to your house, it's always a pump and dump. It's always a grinder pump and dump. By the way, I learned about that. Mateo taught me about a brand new site.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Dude, he told me about a new site that's not Grinder. I don't remember the name.

It makes Grinder look the way Vegas makes it look. The way Monaco makes Atlantic City look.

I have to ask him what it's called because it blows my mind. The website had- Their world is out of control. So jealous, dude. They had a little blip of AIDS, and now that's gone, they're back to fucking the box. They're back in full effect. Is it Archer? No, but it's a little picture of a guy, sometimes just a penis in Midtown, but it'll tell you all the things he wants. Hold on, here's Mateo. I'm calling you back in to- No, just tell me. Mateo, hold on. Tell me what the name of that The website is that we looked up with nick. What's it called? The website? Oh, Sniffies. Sniffies. Thanks, buddy. I love you.

Thanks for saying that.

Bye. Sniffies, dude. I'm not kidding. Bring up Sniffies. You can see it. It's amazing. It is like a billion little dots all over New York, and they tell you exactly what they want. Can you imagine?

Breaking it down even further. That's what you wanted to do. Yes, specificity. Not just like, Is there a gay guy here? That's so yesterday.

So gone, dude. Give me the real deal. Do you like to be spit on? I'm having to sign in. You should sign in. You don't have You don't have an account? Get an account, dude. You'll want one.

What do you want? A Google account?

No, he has to sign in two sniffies.

You can make an anonymous account, though. Why would you, though? How are you going to attract the dudes you like?

Yeah, dude. Put up a photo. But he showed me, him and nick were showing me breakdown. It's so intricate.

What can you get?

Here's what I like about the new community. It was-The new community? Well, because now the Sniffies community, they have a ton more acronyms than I've ever seen before because acronyms are everything. If it's like a If it's like a... It's like, Choke, but something. He'll show you all of them.

Choke, but not too hard. Yeah, yeah.

Choke, but soft. Bruise me. Little CBS. Yeah. But PND, pump and dump, is a real thing.

Pump and then dump.

But leave. That means they want you to leave. That means they don't want to talk. This is like selecting an Uber when you're not in for conversation. The pump and dump guys, nick said to me, they get in there, and then the moment they're done, they have to leave.

That's almost That's what everybody wants, though.

I know.

I had a girlfriend starting at start in comedy. You're recording? Let's start recording, actually. We're going to use this. For my birthday, she's like, What do you want? I'm like, Okay, I want a blowjob and then no words, you take off for work. Not a single word, to completion, blow drop, and then go. Then she just started dying laughing. She was like, That's what you want? Complete lack of contact. Yes.

I want silence, solitude. Stranger danger. Yeah, I just want gone and... Then we both think about it the rest of the day. What a nice thing to have on the brain, a little pump and dump. But the sniffies. Oh, she's still loading. But he showed us the map. There's a lot of users.

There's going to be not the right virus.

Yeah. Imagine all the tracking that's being done now to your computer. Oh, yeah. You're on a I'm on the list. Trump is going to get it. We're taking down the gaze from sniffies. You're going down, dude. But it was funny to watch how specific it got because I thought, man, it's got to be so liberating to be like, hey, man, I don't want to play this game of like I don't play this game. No, I just want what I want. You want what you want. If we can connect on this, great. Consentual. Go home. Over. Pump and dump and take a walk.

This is what Hasidic Jews do when they go on a first date, they go, How many kids do you want? Do you want to live in Israel or not? If you don't line up pretty close-What are your answers? Whatever you want. I'm into it. That's how I say the thing about vaccines and stuff. No matter what you said, I'm like, I know, right? I know.

They're crazy. They are, dude.

I'm like, I don't care. I don't want to get involved in these dumb conversations.

Did you ever go on a date with a Hasidic check?

No. No, but that was like they set up dates, public places, synagogs, not synagogs, airports, stuff like that. This is the old days when you could. Airport? Yeah, before like 9:11.

When you could get to the gate before the... What, you'd meet in the airport at a restaurant or a coffee shop? Yeah, public. Because it's safe.

All you're trying to do is get your first things down, maybe do a little talking, and then you go home and you tell the person who set you up if you want to go out with them again or not. So they'll be like, Hey, they were cool. I want to go out with them again. And you're like, Okay, let me call them back tomorrow. And they're like, So it's over. They don't want to go back with you. It's that easy.

And you go, Okay.

Find me another wig. It's that easy. It's that easy. Yeah, I bet no sex or anything.

But if you're like- No sex till marriage?

I want to have only one kid, but I also want to live in Israel. And they're like, No, they want to have seven kids. No way.

Would you ever live in Israel?

Yeah. Israel rules.

Would you live now? Right now? You go there now?

You're getting the fake news. No. Israel is safe. Gaza is not so safe.

Well, that's where we live. Gaza is trouble. That's where we're trying to live. I want to live in Gaza. Oh, really? Well, there's a one-bed, one-bath I've been looking at. It keeps getting wrecked. I'm waiting for the rebuild.

It's a fixer-upper. It's a continuous fixer-upper.

It's a fixer downer, to be honest with you. It's so sad. It's a big downer. No, I'm just saying, would you genuinely, because I know how much you travel and disappear. Would you ever really consider going there for life?

Take out comedy. Yeah.

Anywhere you go, you got to take out comedy. Yeah, when you're done, which we hope is soon. God, damn it, Andrew. No, seriously, though, if you're like, Dude, I'm I'm tired. I'm in my mid '60s, my late '60s. I'm over it.

Yeah. I mean, okay. Yeah, for sure. Israel rules. But there's like 50 countries I would do. Berlin, I would really want to go to. Berlin's rad. Mexico City. Those are probably the top two.

You speak Spanish? Don't say Unp poquito. I'm going to flip my ship. Uno. Don't do it. No. What's number one on the map then? If you're like, I do have to dip out. Right now?

Berlin. I could disappear there and I could just get the shakes on drugs.

What What about the Netherlands? You like Amsterdam?

Amsterdam is very cool. Probably best comedy scene in Europe, to be honest.

That would be an alternative. If you're like, I'll just stay doing comedy. The schedule is not as heavy, obviously. You're doing it less. But you're bouncing around.

Yeah, you take trains. It's a three-hour train to London.

Yeah, but you take them. Right. But that's a long night for comedy.

Stay there for the night.

I guess, yeah.

Three hours open. It's like, boom. There's not like a two-hour trip to the airport. You're right downtown, then go.

That's true. Get out, cab to your- Worst city for comedy?

Good question.

Worst city for comedy.

Miami. Miami. You thought it'd be somewhere in the world. Yeah. No, it's Miami. Is it really? Yeah. They're dumb.

Hands down Miami.

They're dumb. Yeah.

Not Fort Lauderdale, Miami.

Miami. Right.

Because Fort Lauderdale is a different audience.

They're too literal. Marcelo helped me break this down a little bit. They're literal. So they find super funny, a man in a dress. That's crazy because he's not supposed to have one eye. They value the dumbest stuff. They just want to pay money to sit up front and then not listen. They're just a bad comp.

Who is it? Who is Miami?

Cubans, cokeheads. Love. And it's not a great combo. And it's not all Cubans. It's the Cubans who left, who were fucking We left Cuba.

We left and we'll be right back. Is it any trans-Cuban coquets? Are there any? All three? You ever hit the home run?

No. I had a lady turn her seat away from me. I love that, dude. I was there, Big Jay. She was so mad on a school shooting joke. She literally turned. She started to heckle and her husband I was like, I already know that's not going to be good. She aggressively texted with her back to me.

Really? That's so funny. That's actually a cool move. To put your back and still be on your phone is rad. It's a big fuck you. Miami is your number one.

Yeah. It's the first city I turned down money when I desperately needed it. I was like, actually, no.

Because you refuse.

I was like, I wouldn't do it if it was $10,000. And Edbrooke was like, oh, it's $300. Good to know, though. $10,000?

No, it's $300. And you have to pay your own way and your own hotel. It's your own travel. I've had some- Wait, what is the one for you?

What's the worst?

Well, I just did New Orleans, and although I loved the people that showed up, it was such a hard sell.

It's a hard draw.

It's just a hard sell. You're like, who's coming? I don't know. Where are you guys?

It's a festival town.

Such a... Yeah.

They need a club, they need a small one.

You need a tiny club to build up something. I talked to Norman about that. Norman is not... It's like, so any musician goes there and they're like, it's great. Yeah. Comics go, you're like, where are we? How come nobody wants to-Go to the casino by the fucking nowhere. There's too much freedom there. That's like Vegas.

It's too much freedom. Vegas, exactly. But Vegas is now... You can play Vegas.

You can only because now it's started to become comedy-centric. There's so many clubs. People know they go, Hey, on Friday, we'll go see a comedy show. Saturday, we'll go to dinner. Yeah, right.

When you go, that's one of the things. It is now. I sing some dumb fucking dances with Boaz on. Oh, isn't this crazy? Oh, my God. Let's do it.

That's the Miami Man in a dress. They're wearing it. The guy is in a dress.

No, Vegas has the Such entertain that you would never want to do. But you're like, it's in Vegas. They just tell you the idea that it's important. Hey, let's fucking blow a smurf and then fucking dance on fucking trash cans.

I do like that show. I'm mixing up a couple. That is a good show. No, I always used to say, why would people see me in Vegas? Because the Beatles are on rollerblades down the street. It's like, Why would they see me? There's such weird shit there. How could you get their interest to be like, come to a show? To a comedy show?

Yeah, no way.

No, we're going to go How did some guy get lit on fire. Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

What was that? I don't know. From the depths? A bit of a burp. Tell me that you tie-died this yourself. I did. That's cool.

Yeah.

You're me in high school. Oh, really? Yeah, I love that.

I was obsessed. I'm spaghetti tree string instrument, you. Whatever they are.

Spaghetti tree string. String cheese. You're string cheese dude.

Is there another band that's almost the same name as spaghetti tree string instrument? Whatever it is. What is that band?

String cheese incident. String cheese What's another one that's like it?

There's a brand new... I was like, They've been around for 20 years. And somebody's like, because I know you told that story on this that happening. They were like, no, there's a brand new band. They're in their 20s.

String cheese has been around for a long time. Yeah. There's got to be somebody else.

Is there a new iteration where they just keep letting new members come?

I mean, like how the Dead does that. The Dead is now not the Grateful Dead. They're dead in company.

Me and Rana Zizi went to see him. He came Sunday of Bonerou. Soda left. He came to redo Bonerou because his first one, it was this I'm like, I'm going to have a fucking conti, girlfriend. We just boss him around. The whole comedy crew was like, Let's all go over there. Then we're like, Oh, nice. We'll go see Jay. He's like, I want to see Slayer. Let's all go see Slayer. Then we turn around and Dan may be a little behind. He goes, I'm going to catch up with you guys. We're like, Oh.

What a Bummer, dude.

I didn't agree to say that.

Is she the only girlfriend out of all the whole group?

Jay's girlfriend, but she's cool.

Different story. She doesn't care. She's rad. That's a huge bummer, dude, to have the girlfriend drag you down in your body.

Drag you down.

We just want to have fun, man.

Just yelling. I'm like, This isn't the yelling environment.

We're not selling a mortgage. Now he's got a rad wife.

She's great. We're like, Hey, let's go back next year. We'll do one secret show. We'll get them to give us like an artist- Passes, yeah. Just so we can park our RV. We'll rent one. But he had to leave Sonny Rana Zizi came, went to see Grateful Dead & Company, and we got too many mushrooms, me and Steve. Too many? We kept collapsing on our way to get there. Oh, boy. Then we saw right near Umphreys McGee.

Love Umphreys McGee. Sure, another band of yours. Yeah, they're good. I love those dudes.

You come off as black music loving, but you're not.

Black music and Jam Band are the same thing. Interesting. These are the same things. In the way that Black music is so deeply meaningful to the community of Black people, that's what jam band is to Whites.

Yeah, it means- It means something to them.

It means something to them.

Yeah.

Oh, in that way. It does something to them.

I went to see Billy Strings, and there was a whole Wook section, and I was like, I thought this was bluegrass, but they're like, different style bluegrass.

Different style, dog.

Wooky as shit.

It is true, though, that white people that love jam music. You're all right?

You want some come?

Yeah, please. White people that love jam music, honestly.

They're having fun.

They're having the most fun.

I think it's close to Jews because the dance for the Wooks is very easy to master. Well, it's- Spin and you feel like it.

It's the spinny. It's a spinny loose and free. It's very throwback to the '70s. It's very like flower power. By the way, I'm just saying great hip hop, great jam band stuff, the freedom of the music, It does make you feel a type of way. Whereas no shots taken at a regular rock band, but it just doesn't do... You like the song, but it doesn't make you go, Fuck, dude.

There is something when an entire band, like Arcade Fire or something, and you have thousands of people between 3:00 and 80, if it's a festival, going... It's cool. It's just there's something there.

There's something happening.

We collapsed right in your upwards, McGee. We couldn't get it. We just kept like, get up, get off foot.

How much you taking?

It takes you where it wants to take you. That's right. We took enough at Billy Strings, and then it didn't quite... We got lost a few times, but then not enough times because we were outside Chance. Somebody's like, let's go backstage. We're like, let's be... Be cool. Be cool. But then I realized later, oh, he would have loved if we went back there just. Just out of your head. So we should have taken more, but we took enough. But anyway, and we kept coming out of it. Oh, yeah. When you come to. Hearing Alfred McGee, but thinking we were on our way to Dead & Company, we're like, Is this Dead & Co? They rule. They did two sets, he missed the whole first set. We're just like, Dead & Co is so good. They sound a lot like that other band I like.

Too Much Mushrooms Does has got me only two or three times. But the too much, I don't get to the bad trip thing, but I do get to the ready to be done. Yeah. Like, physically You're like, Come on, dude. Jesus Christ. I'm physically exhausted. I've sweat enough. I've laughed enough.

But also not enough is also pretty bad.

Not enough is uncomfortable.

Yeah, you went for it and you're like, damn it.

Not high enough.

Trying to push to get lost in some lights.

You're trying to pop through the... Yeah. Isn't that funny? When you get shot through that stone stratosphere, it's amazing. But when you're just kissing near it, it's uncomfortable.

Yeah, it's like you feel like a mushroom. You're just like...

You do. You're like, Come on, maybe let me sprout, baby. I've been I've been taking these nighttime gummies. Yeah, Blue Chew. I've been taking these nighttime gummies to have mushrooms in them. Not psychoactive, non-psychoactive mushrooms with weed.

You just love the taste of mushrooms and gummies.

No, it's good. We have them out there. They're great. It's like Tiger's Maine or whatever the fuck. We have a whole thing about it. There's a bunch of those people have tea with them. It's good for your brain. No, but it's got THC in it and CPD and CBN or whatever the sleep aid was. But it's great because I'll get stoned off of the whatever it is, 15 milligrams of the THC. Then the other shit really levels me to a place where I'm ready for bed because usually when I get high, I'm not ready for bed. I'm not a get high, go to bed guy. When people are like, Oh, you're going to like nighttime gummies, I'm like, I don't think so, dude. If I get high, I want to write or watch something or make a meal.

But it makes you go. It passes you out.

Oh, dude. I get stoned for the first 15 minutes, and I'm like, Oh, I'm high. This is great. I'll be watching something. And Then 15 minutes later, just about, I'm like, Oh, fuck, I'm ready to rock. It's wonderful. I don't know if the property is binding a way where it makes your body start to get into that sleep state.

I love when you smoke weed all day, and then by 3:00 PM, I'm like, Oh, I'm so tired. I don't know what it is. I got to take a nap. It's because you've been smoking weed for six hours. Yeah, dude. All right. I've heard it has that effect.

What have I been doing all day, man? Well, sometimes I would walk the dog. If I had a full morning of freedom, I'd walk the dog, smoke a little dog walker, a little pinner. That's nice. Then I walk the dog and I come back in. Then I play with the dog and be like, You want to go back outside, don't you? It's like, Let's go for another walk. It's so funny that when I take the dog for a walk in the morning sober, it's just a get the dog out so she can piss and shit. But if I smoke a joint in the morning with her, it's like, no, I'm enjoying the walk, finally. Let's explore. Yes, we're having a walk.

Then when the dog wants to stop us there, it's like, Go for it.

Yeah, do it. I got to look around. Piss on that.

I look around myself. I love when a dog is like, Hold on. The dog might have been here. I think there was, All right, let's go.

Is your dog jumpy? When it's a loud bang outside, when you're walking your dog around New York and it's so many noises. Does a bandit ever get tripped out? Gunshots? Yeah, for sure. That makes sense. Fireworks. Fireworks, she fucking hate. My dog hates so much.

She just got okay with loud motorcycles, but still is not loving it. But fireworks. Even the fireworks, those little sparkles, if she just hears this, I'm out. I'm done. I said, I'm done. Open the bathroom door and close it behind me.

I will be in the tub. Open the door. I'm going to be in the tub.

I want to shake.

She sits underneath. She'll sit behind the toilet. That's where my dog goes, behind the toilet. Then all you see is her head poked out like this. Like, fucking, what's going on out there?

Shaking. Sometimes you're like, I didn't even hear anything.

A lot of times, yeah. She got used to loud cars doesn't bother. Like, loud shit doesn't bother. She does hate skateboards. Hates skateboards. I realized when we were walking and I was a little stoned, I thought, right, those wheels are at like... That would be like this on my head.

But it's not... It's specific noises.

It's just the rumbling of the earth she doesn't like.

Yeah. Also, they're not good people.

Skaters. Skate or die, dude. You never skateboarded?

I was a poser for a long time. I bought all the clothes, toy machine, everything. I got called a poser once in Vegas. I was wearing a Bobby Lee tricolored wristband. I was like, Poser. I was so mad. But he was so right.

So right.

I was like, I couldn't olly. It was great to have in your trunk for when you had to go to an audition and you're like, I can't find parking, but three bucks away, no problem. Yeah, I'll skate there. I'll just skate down there. Then when I get to a curb to the street, I get off, cross the street, get back on, and kick off.

All right. What's the most What's the most embarrassing or just a terrible clothing choice you made at one point in your life where you're like, I can't believe I wore that. I'll set you up first, so I'll give you mine. I once had a FUBU jersey. I I wore a FUBoo jersey. Jersey? The FUBU football jersey. I have a picture of me in a FUBU jersey. For us, by us. No, no, no. For Redheads as well. Also for Redheads. I had fucking bought a FUBU jersey.

Did you know what it was?

100%. I was obsessed with black clothing as a kid. I was like, This is the coolest shit on Earth. Couldn't wait to be called a wigger. I was excited to be called a wigger. Thank you. Yeah, I was so amped. Yeah, I was so stoked about it. Wigging out. I'm wigging out, baby.

I'm Me on a date with a Hasidic girl.

I'm wigging out. Dude, I bought a fucking FUBU jersey. I was so... And honestly, no, looking back, not embarrassed. It was fun.

Now, looking back, you're fine.

Because no one did it. No white dudes did it. Well, a couple of white dudes did it, but it was a big move. Did you ever do something so dumb?

I had for a while, I had a hat out of BC style on the side where I had a shaved head. That was in comedy, though. But I went through a phase. I guess I went through No Fear phase. I was really trying to collect all of them. You got to take chances. What I've learned is you can't steal second without taking your foot off first. And that goes... It also goes with just fashion in general.

Did you ever have Big Johnson shirts?

Big Johnson was right on the edge. I had one. Egan has a great Big Johnson one.

He has a shirt?

He has a Big Johnson shirt? It's a Big Johnson shirt. It's the Big Johnson dog. What is he? A rooster? No, no.

Big Dogs is totally different. That's another category of cool shirts. Oh, it's Big Dogs. Big Johnson is Rooster. Yeah.

It was an entendra. Did you have one?

I had one Big Johnson shirt. What was it? It was like fishing by the lake with my Big Johnson catching big baths.

It's all just a version of sandwich boards outside bars, like a dumb semi-chuckle Yeah. They're like, Write it up, write it up. His is big dog, and it was that dog going like this to a grave. It was Osam bin Laden. It was like, Fuck you, Osam, and now you're dead. Something along those lines. It was like, Enjoy being dead loser or something like that. I might have said- By the way, I bet you they sold a million of those fucking things.

A million. This is the problem whenever I see a dumb shirt like that on the internet, I bet you that guy's made so much money selling those fucking stupid things. We talked about it on this show once, but there's a fisherman that I always see on my Instagram. His name is John Nijimier. You can put it together. People buy his shirt because it just says Nijimier on the back, but it doesn't say Nijimier. It says something else.

Wait, that's his What's his name? Actual name is that thing?

N-i-g-g-e-r-m-e-y-e-r. Dude, he sells out every week on Instagram. He's like, I want to thank you guys for buying my fishing shirt one more time. It's so funny, dude. It pops up in my thread. I had all the time.

No idea why.

He's selling millions of these shirts. He's a pro-fisherman. But I am getting into these. I'm not going to lie, I'm getting into real niche sports. I'm obsessed now with darts.

Tournament darts. The announcing goes so hard.

It's so dope.

I want to go to one of those. And he does a math really quickly. 140.

143. It's so good.

I just saw he's the one of the greatest throws of all time.

The guy that did three- Three triples to three triples.

Then one guy barely missed a 20, opened up the other guy for the boom, boom, 19. When they didn't make the decision like, boom, boom, I know the math. I'm always like this when I play darts, I'm like, Wait.

48, 49, 47. Yeah, I've done this. I do the same shit.

What if I got two of those?

I'm so bad.

Also, I might hit something Yeah, I'm going to probably hit 12, most likely.

So it's just a slow work down. They're so good. But dude, watching those guys. Just the crowd, though, it looks like an Oktoberfest crowd where they're wasted. They're all wearing costumes.

Drinking, smoking. I want to go to one of these. How did I see it? Is there like a, let's go. How do we go to one?

They don't fucking barely do them here. Yeah, they're all in England. Look up where we can go to a DART tournament because they've been showing them on ESPN sometimes.

That's one of my favorite things about ESPN. That's actually my example. I'm like, I'll watch anything if it's a championship game, and I use Darts as the example.

I'll watch the fuck out of that. You'll get into it. Yeah, I'll watch that. Bowling, I'll watch some bowling.

I had a friend, Tommy DeLuca, who was a bowler. He got ranked top five once. Really? The county fan still comes around. He was ranked fifth in the world, made $34,000 that year. What? Yeah, it's not a- That's it? Yeah.

Because we went bowling in Australia. What? The Missouri Open for darts. That's the closest we got. It was on January third, and the purse is $8,300. Is that if you win? $8,000? It's either if you win or that's split up for everybody. That's split up between the whole crowd has to share that to get home. It's on the American DART organization. Yeah, dude, we know about the ADO. We're big ADO fans. Well, what did we do in Australia? What did you do? We were bowling with- Who? You don't remember his name? Belmo? Belmonte. You don't know anything about this guy. He's one of the best bowlers in the world. Oh, really? And he took us bowling in Australia. He was unreal. It's fucking awesome. Dude, it's so rad to watch them. He's fucking around. Yeah.

They just know and they get the right equipment. This is what Tommy said. If you So you play a day or two to see who's in the top five, and you seat it. One, two, three, four, five. Five plays four, winner plays three. If you're one, you only have to win one. But if you're a lefty in that first game, you set your groove The righty, there's a groove in the oil. Now you got to worry about the other guy's groove because you're playing. If you're lefty, you win that first one, you're just running your groove the whole way. Oh, you're smoking. Yeah. It's like if you're in golf, you set a fucking hose down on your line of putting.

Let's go tomorrow. So rad. Yeah.

That's so rad. It's so rad. It's this weird unfair advantage to be a lefty if you can win that first one.

Well, because he's a righty, but he does two hands. He goes like this? Yeah. He started the two-hand revolution.

There's a revolution?

No, there's a lot of young guys do it now. A lot of young guys bowl two hands because of him. Revolution will not be televised.

But nobody goes like this. Nobody goes through the left.

No grannies. There's no granny bowling, and there should be. It should be. By the way, that's why I've heard about this in the NBA. Look up the greatest free throw percentage in the NBA's history. It It's a granny shot.

Yeah, they tried to get Shaq to do it because he was so bad. He goes, I know. I know I'd shoot better. Can't do it. I'm not doing it.

Yeah, that's a white thing.

I'm still black. Yeah.

By the way, guys, I'm still black. I will say it says the best is Steph Curry. Steph Curry is probably the new best, yeah, percentage-wise.

Hey, thanks for ruining it.

But who's the other cat? Do free throw percentage granny style. There was a guy that did it and set records doing it. No, Stephen Curry has got to be the new guy. That is probably- I thought it was Stephanie Curry.

Rick Berry. Rick Berry. He would do it that way?

He's a Hall of Famer. He's a Hall of Famer. Yeah.

Yeah. He was like a Hall of Famer. He wasn't just some guy.

He pioneered it in the '60s and '70s.

His son won a dunk contest.

John Berry. No. Brent. Wait, Brent and John. I know John Berry, which is crazy. Wow. Yeah, they're dead.

I know Boo Berry from the cereals.

Come on, dude. Take a walk. He's cool. Get outside. Dude, he's cool. Get outside. He's cool.

He likes hip hop, but like, new school underground shit.

Boo Berry is that guy? Yeah. He's cool.

He's I know why you think he's not. That's just a money thing. That's the image. All right.

Give me his number.

Okay.

In here, we pour whiskey. This episode of Whisky Ginger is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything for products, to content, to time, all in one place, all on your terms. If you ever built a site many, many moons ago, you had to know like C Plus Plus and all that stuff for programming and learn how to build and create pages and sections and tabs and hyperlinks. Remember that word? They took care of all that stuff. Squarespace is incredible. They have design intelligence, which is combining two decades of industry leading design expertise with cutting edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential. And again, you can go rogue, build your own site on your own, do whatever you want, but they can also have a template set up for you to get you to where you're looking to go if you don't have that creative vision. Squarespace Payments makes it easy to manage your payments in one place if you're selling something, and they also have Klarna, ACH Direct deposit, Apple Pay, After Pay, and ClearPay over there in the UK.

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Every January, he's going to bring you 365 blank pages waiting to be filled. How are you going to write your story this year? There's going to be a couple of plot twists, for sure. There's going to be a lot of protagonists and antagonists. You got to learn to balance all that stuff in your life. But this is the book that you're creating. You're writing it, so why not write a good one? Betterhelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credited therapists with a wide range of specialties. They're credentialed therapists. They're credited and they're credentialed. Easily switched therapists at any time at no extra cost. Write your story with better help, friends. If you're looking to talk to someone, you should be given better help at charge from the comfort of your own home. You don't got to leave or your car or your couch or your balcony, your roof, the beach, a hill, a nook, a cranny. Visit betterhelp. Com/whiskey today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, better-H-E-L-P. Com/whisky. Betterhelp. Com/whisky. Ginger. I like ginger. You know I never was a...

You know all the young comics that's coming up, everyone is cereal addicts when they'd get home and eat cereal. I was a ramen late night guy. I never was a cereal guy.

That's crazy to cereal late night. That's a soda thing. It's a trash move.

There's a lot of guys that do it, though. There's a lot of dudes that love cereal at night.

You know what's common with those Where's their father?

Where is their fucking father, dude?

Don't eat cereal at night.

No, it's sad.

Your dad would have told you that if he wasn't too busy drinking to death by a lake. Son of a Gary.

Son of a Gary. Yeah. Go watch Son of a Gary. By the way, do you have a new hour already?

Yeah.

You already do.

But as it's getting more and more of these, there's the leftover stuff that doesn't go in the hour.

That never made it to the first one.

You start with 15. The next one, you start with 30. The next one, you start with... It just keeps growing. That's rad. It's not as hard now as it was before.

No. Yeah, right. It exponentially grows, but also it compounds. But some of that stuff I find I got to throw it away. For sure. I don't really. But you're happy with this, though. But you're happy with this, though. In April.

This hour I just tape? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You think it's better than the last one?

Different. It's more outward instead of inward. Right.

The last one you did was inventive as fuck. Thanks. Yeah. Genuine. It's one of those where you're like, oh, you're giving us a lens at something that most people have no fucking idea about. And if they do, it's probably wrong, to be honest. Jewish stuff.

Yeah. Even I learned stuff, though.

That's what I'm saying. Most people do Jewish shit conception, they're like, I think I know exactly what that is. Then you're like, oh, maybe I absolutely have no fucking idea what I'm talking about almost all of the time. It's eye-opening in a great way. Did the Jew community like it or no?

They were worried for sure. Yeah. When they heard it was coming out by a former insider. It's like a former scientologist going on, Rogan. They're like, please talk about golf.

Please.

They're like, this could be really bad. I heard from the inside, I have ties. They were like, And then they were like...

Because they thought you were going to shit on it?

Yeah, but I really tweaked it to make sure they'd be okay with it. I see them in my audience.

You don't say anything bad.

Yeah. You say honest. A touch here and there, but it's like, that's fair.

But it's honest. Genuine criticism is fine. You're not like... Fuck you people. Yeah, you're not damning people for their system.

They're all like, we actually love it. They call it a like a speech every week they do. No shit. Yeah. They're like, it's like that. They're like, a touch high on the cousin. But they're like, we don't really care.

They knew that was going to be that way.

Yeah. But yeah, they were totally fine, which I was really happy with.

That is cool. Yeah.

I didn't want them to be left out. I tried to make it so they wouldn't feel... Because when I started doing some of those jokes 15 years ago, I came out so angry. Well.

So I had to get It's cathartic, right? Yeah. To get it off your chest. Do you ever get offered to do corporate gigs for them?

Yeah.

Do you do them?

No. They'll get fired. But the check will clear. I suggest Modi or Elon. Elon Lieberman. I'm like, Listen, I definitely appreciate it.

Because those guys are clean.

They're clean. It's like you don't understand how this works. I don't even know what's dirty and what's not. I don't know.

You know what's funny? Yeah. You're like, I'm just going to do what's funny. It might be bad. I I have no idea if you're going to be.

I'm usually halfway through a bit. I'm like, Oh, there's a clean show. This might not be... Oh, damn. Or it does in with fisting.

I haven't done a corporate show in so long because of that.

I just can't. I did one with nick Yusuf. So I got an offer. They're like, Hey, we saw you in La Hoya at the Comedy store. Would you do a corporate? I'm like, I'm not really a corporate guy. When we saw, is it what you're going to do at the club? It'll be exactly what I do at the club. What we like, what's the corporation? Border Patrol.

What?

So it was a bunch of Border Patrol people and their families from the north and the south. And they're like, Do whatever. How long should the show last? I'm like, I've never done one. I'm like, How about 45? I'll do 30. He'll do 15. They're like, Okay. Border Patrol?

Yeah, I mean, like $2,000. The United States government's Border Patrol.

Yeah. I didn't even lean into that. Wow. Yeah, that was my only corporate I've ever done.

So you're helping the wall get built, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, baby. Get them out of here. I did a few terrible corporates in my day. I've done some really, really, really bad. I did a few that were so uncomfortable that it forever was like, Keep the money.

Wow, really?

Just so bad. They don't want to be there.

They don't want to be there. It's like, who set this up?

And then because it's one guy is a fan, and he's convinced the entire company that you're the guy that they want to see. And they're We're a venture capital firm. We're a fucking... We're an insurance firm. It's so uncomfortable. I hate it. Unless it was a company that had a rad stance or What they did was like, We're loose, we're cool, we don't give a shit. It's a fun.

Even still- I did some winners convention in Los Angeles. It was Summit. Summit LA. You know anything about them?

I don't think so.

They do cruises. They do lots of different things. It's a bunch of winners. They have a meetup and it's like, We're going to have some events, go yoga, do whatever. But the point is, you're a business owner, you're a business owner, you should be talking to each other. They wanted some comedy. I was like, I'll go. I went to a lot of the events. One was Al Gore speaking with Will Smith's son about the environment. What? And Al Gore had to wait for that dumb fucking alien to say some shit. People my age, we like that. He's like, Good, man. Anyway, we need to incentivize these corporations financially to be part of them. He's like, Yeah, I think recycles by the way to go. He's like, Well said. The fracking, the problem with that is not so much... But I had to do a stand-up show, and there was a moment where I got a little bit racial, and these two ladies walked in midway They didn't get set up until we liked this guy. They were like, I could see them going, maybe not. It was like, They just got over the hump before they interrupted because if they interrupted, everyone agreed with them, and it would have been DEI to death.

You can't spell death, that's E-E-I. It would have been gone. I was looking at them like, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, They did one.

It was supposed to be a party of 30, and they cut down the party because the guy who threw the party was upset about whatever had happened that day. Five guys. Five guys.

Five men in smoking chairs. Houdet, Couset, who else?

Loubet and Roubet. I'm not kidding. Five adult men sitting in smoking chairs. I told the woman who was organized. I was like, What do you want me to do? She's like, he wants you to perform still. I was like, I can't do an hour of material to five human beings in a room. They're like, Well, this is what he wanted. You want a private show? I was like, this isn't in the contract. She's like, well, we already gave you the deposit. I was like, Right.

He already gave me the deposit. Yeah.

I was like, well, okay. And she's like, I mean, what do you want to do? I was like, why? I guess I'm here. You flew me here. You have to. I had to do it. Luckily, there was a Hall of Fame baseball player who I recognized as one of the five friends, and I just talked to him. I literally just spoke to him that I was a fan and just joking around with him. Who was it? It leveled it out. I'll tell you afterwards. But it was just It was one of those moments where I thought, thank God I could make jokes with him because these other dudes were like- Who was it?

Press mute for a second.

You pressed mute. No, I'll tell you afterwards. I'll tell you all afterwards. Write it down on your phone.

Show me. I won't say anything. I just want to know.

I'll tell you afterwards. But it was one of those things. I don't think to ask. But the guy was cool. They were nice. It was just like, I think they... Because when you get so rich, like some of these guys, billionaires, they're like, I want it private. And your party organizers are like, That's not what these comedians do. They don't do It's not like a me and you in the room thing. I bet you he was like, I don't care.

The private idea, sometimes that doesn't... Like at music festivals, that's not... You come friendly with somebody online sometimes. You come friendly with one of the guitar techs or somebody who plays with LCD sound system. Cool. A couple of guys, and one of them was like, I'm going to be in Vegas. I was like, Hey, what time you guys go on during this gang fest? Maybe it didn't work out, but he's like, Do you mind if I come? I want to see Joe List's movie. I was like, Yeah, I'll get you in. Then they're in New York. I was like, All I'm definitely going anyway. It's like, yeah. He goes, Do you want to sit in VIP? He goes, It's not actually the best sight lines. I'm like, Underrated? But VIP areas suck.

They almost always suck.

I want to get sweaty with the crowd. I want to be jumping up and down. You want to be feeling the music. I want to be feeling the music. With a bunch of people. Just sit by yourself alone. It's like Rogan's Club in the VIP area. That's not the place to watch it. Yeah.

We shit the bed. We went to a festival in Budapest. My wife and I were over there, and I was there shooting this thing, and we had a couple of days off, and she was like- What were you shooting?

What were you shooting?

The greatest game of all. An insurance CEO. Now, I was shooting this little roll in a movie, but I had three days off. No. I had three days off. My wife and I were just walking the streets of Budapest, and I was like, What is this Ziget Festival? There's a little island called Ziget Island that is in between Buddha and Pesh, the two sides. I was like, Ziget Island. I'm looking it up and I'm like, It's a festival. I was like, Dude, it's tomorrow. My wife is rad. She was like, Let's go. She's it. This is perfect. Great check.

She's so down. Marry that dick.

I did. Oh, nice. She goes, Let's fucking go. We go to this festival, and I thought, I know nothing about it, not familiar with the grounds. You know what I mean? I was like, Let's buy the tickets. Of course, I was like, We should get the VIP in case it's got real bathrooms for us to shit in. You know what I mean? Some festivals are like, VIPs are just... It's just like you actually get a Port-a-pot. You don't have to shit in the field.

You know what I mean? That part is nice. If you can leave the regular area, go shit, grab a water, then come back.

We learn the lesson. We get to one of the main stages, and I was like, Janel Monet was there.

Best style in music.

Unfucking real. It's so cool. You know when people go, That looks cool. You're like, That is what looks cool. Whatever that is, is what's cool. And she's out there, and we were like, Fuck, we got to get over there. So we go, and the guy's like, Let me see your bracelet. He's like, You're right this way. And so he points us this VIP, and it's on the side of the stage, but I was like, Oh, fuck this. This sucked. So we ended up just being like, Fuck this. We just abandoned it, went back out, and the Where are you guys going? I was like, just to the down the floor. He's like, okay. He was confused.

He's like, you don't want to be- Everyone wants to go this way. You're going that way.

I was like, no, dude, this is whack. You can barely see. They just wanted to be able to drink and say you're better than everybody. Most of the people in that area was so fucking funny, weren't even watching the stage. They're having something to eat and they're conversing and you're like, oh, they're not fucking here for the festival. This is a business thing or some bullshit.

This is when I was scouting a location for a shoot for standup, and they were like, and this would be like, they'll show you Over here where the VIP set up. Or just more regular people.

Just regular people. Yeah, just regular people the whole way. That festival was rad, though. See, that sounds so cool. It was so cool. It's on an island. Oh, dude, everything under the sun. There was house music in the far North corner. There was an entire... They hand-built. I'll show you photos. They hand-built all these stages that were outdoor surrounding stages. They were all art pieces. The stage was surrounded by art. Wow. All of them were individual art pieces. Then the main stage was obviously for like, that's just a fucking huge stage. Because it's-Yeah, but those side stages where it's at. That's where you want to go.

You just sit down like, This is good. This guy fucking plays guitar. He's awesome. You're like, Does anybody know about him? Then you're like, Well, they're in a major festival, so someone's heard of them.

Someone I've never heard of it. Yeah. By the way, if they haven't, it's someone who's booking the festival. It's like, these people are pretty rad.

They'll be good. Yeah. We saw Lizzo at 3:00 PM once. 3:00 PM? Yeah, it was like she just hadn't made it yet.

That's so funny.

Yeah. But afterwards, this lady's probably going to do something.

She has some good energy. I feel like she'll be famous. Then they had these alternative cultural tents where it was all- Alternative cultural tents. Yeah, it was like Korean music. Well, because you're in Budapest. You got to remember, for them- We're having a replica church burning for the locals from Norway. Yeah, they did a Holocaust reenactment on the South Side of the Island, which we definitely couldn't miss. I got to tell you, it didn't work out the way that you think. No, it was a cool collection of music from all over the place, and honestly, worth every single penny of it because it was a little expensive, I thought. It's a little pricey for a one-day festival. I think USD turned out to be per ticket was two.

It's a lot.

It was a little over the top. It's a lot. But then I thought, yeah.

Camping two a day is okay for three days.

I think it included campsite.

And you just didn't use it.

Well, because I was like, We're staying right across the water. So I was like, We'll just walk back. You know what I mean? It was a 20-minute walk. You're not allowed to have a 20-minute walk. You're on a 20-minute walk.

So you're going to go home.

Right. I'm on vacation.

Me and Norman said no to Bonner. They were like, All right, let's go. We go to the hotel. And we're like, We're going to stay for... It's this last shuttle at 11:00. 11:00? The last shuttle? We're drunk, we're high. We're like, Why don't we go around? We're like, We'll find it. How are you going to find it? I don't know yet. Something will present itself.

We'll get there when we get there. We'll get there.

Norman fucked somebody in a farm and came back. We were just randomly. It was like the employee's final wrap-up where they had a big Crawfish boil. Norman had been gone. He was just like, I'll be fine. He took off, shows up again, four hours later. This is 2:00 AM, 2:30 AM. I'm drinking all of Chris Hardwick's leftover booze because he's sober. Fucking loser. Loser. Nerd. Thanks for not taking out your writer. We're in there watching the silence, having a good time. We're at the Crawfish. Norman just shows up. It's like an hour after the Crawfish boil. He goes, Oh, you left the tail. You left this. He's eating this fucking leftover Crawfish. Where you been? He goes, I got a story.

I'll tell you later. Just give me another tail. Let me finish this tail. I'll tell you about the tail. Not a tall tail. You got any more wheat?

You have one pop.

Yeah, he doesn't really smoke.

Yeah, he's had it, but that's about it.

Yeah, those guys are all drinks. Drinks, drinks, drinks. Drinks.

Yeah, only drink. That got me drinking was hanging out with him and Sam and Joe Mackey and- Good boys. And late night at the cellar. Good boys. Bull of bourbon on the rocks, bull of rye on the rocks. I'm just like, Oh, there's a joy to drink It's a nice hang.

It's a good hang.

I didn't have it because we all had to drive home. My star was pre-Uber, too. Yeah, that's true. I look up, Ari Shafir had a bowling. There's some guy who had a sign behind me. I went to a bowling thing. This guy had a sign behind me that fucking ruled so hard.

Wait, you went to a bowling event?

Yeah, Tommy DeLuca. They always play just outside Maine Town's Reno. What is it?

You see it? Let's see. Flip it around. I want to see it.

You got to see the sign.

What?

There's a sign behind Tommy. I'm sitting there randomly.

Give me a sign. What's that?

The defense sign? Yeah. A bowling event. We're on the defense sign.

That's so funny. Defense.

He's room for the pins. And they're passing a sign around on Reddit, and they're like, oh, my God, it's a crazy sign. Wait, is that already Shafir there?Unrelated to it.Yeah.

Two separate. By the way, defense at a bowling event? Yeah, that looks like... By the way, you look like Kyle Moody right there. That's when I met you, when you look like God, I got to go to Turkey soon. No, dude, don't do it. Why? You're rocking. You look good. You're a sex machine, dude.

Look at this guy trying to be positive with that fucking flowers.

He's got great lettuce. What do you mean? You're in love and you're happy? But, dude, I can't... What do you give a shit?

I want hair.

I want a mohawk. Well, I'll tell you what's hairy is this fucking beef. When we went to the Russian spa, dude, you got a fucking fluff, dude. You saw it? Yeah, you got a big fluff. You got a big fluffer. Look at this guy's going to pull out his fucking dingle. This guy- It's that big.

It's got a muff.

Look at the muff on this guy's wiener. It's nuts, dude.

It almost goes over the head.

It's so long. I saw your muff at the spa, and I thought, way too much hair, dude. Look at it. Oh, there's your... Yeah, look at it. Drop it in there. She's underwear. This is a plug for a sheath, dude. There it is, dude. That makes your bulge go out.

That's what nobody says about a sheath. When you get the balls up.

Balls high, yeah. Well, because if you're hanging, it looks like you might have a small little weaner. Yeah, it goes down. You get a little Kendall effect. Yeah.

When I had my biggest hair and it was a real curly, I would shave the side while the top come down over it. So it'll go down a little bit because all was curly. It would go out like that. That's what sheath underwear does.

That's what sheath underwear does. Not a plug for sheath, but it might Yeah. No, when we went to the Russian spa, I know you got a great... Kids got a great Bush, dude. Also really love going to that with you, man. It makes me so happy. You sat in that cold plunge for a little while.

I lasted up to three minutes. That time was like one, one and a half, maybe.

I'm doing three every day now. I'm doing three to five every day.

Once you get to one, you can just tell yourself, Okay, I just want two. And then you can get to three.

But I will say the cold plunge that I go into is not as cold as that one that we're in. They crank it. It's unfucking real.

It turns out Russian The ones are unreasonable.

They're the toughest people I've ever seen in the hot room.

Is there a pub on these?

That's your pub. You just pulled out your penis, bud.

I need to see the tape on that. Rewind.

The hot that they put on those hot saunas in those places. They're tough. They're hard. They're actually hard to do. You can feel it. My teeth hurt. That's how hot it is.

My teeth are like, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, but it's worth it. It makes my brain feel clear whenever I do that. I feel good again.

I can't be on your phone for a bit, which is like a down low, one of the best benefits of it.

Yeah, you have to disappear. Well, that's honestly, I talked to you about that, that I'm looking to put people's phones in cases that shows. I think it should be standard from now on.

But honestly, I think it standard at house parties.

I mean, everywhere you're gathering in groups- People were involved.

But if you explain them the reason. In Denver, when they first had it, Chapelle got it, gave it to Denver, so they were the first one to implement it. I think maybe Madison was after that. I don't know. But Chapelle gets it to them.

Madison does have it, too.

Then Denver now at the first, well, I'm a mom. It's okay. You can go outside and take any call. Well, I won't use it. Well, then there's no problem then. If you're not going to use it- Then what's the difference? But now Denver is just trained to just not use it. They're Yeah, I know.

The whole world should do that. But house parties is a good transition. That's true. Any place you're gathering with big groups of people, you should have to check your phone in a thing so you don't use it.

Now, if you really wanted to do it right, so it's like, let's be present. I get you on pictures. Here is a disposable camera.

This will be fun. Snap away.

Yeah.

Have fun. But if you really need like, Oh, my kids, my... Sure.

We have a room out there. You can go step out and come back.

Also, limited time on the step out, though.

We are clocking you. We're going to be out there forever?

We are clocking you. If you're out there for too long, it's like, We're not welcoming you back in.

Yeah, it should be like, what's that game where the slime would hit you all the time?

The Nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon.

Double dare on double dare.

If you're out there for too long, it's like, Let's count down. Are you got slime?

What the fuck, man?

I have spots later.

Too bad, dude. Should have come back in.

You saw the contract. I didn't sign any contract.

Oh, yeah, you did. It's right there. Look, right as you walked in.

I think we do need that. It's written in Strasbury's.

We do need that at just regular hangs, too.

Regular hangs. Guys, can we just put it away? Because you're all... And it's like, no, I just got to do one thing. We all have to just do one thing. How about you take It's like with the mushroom trip. Take care of all your last one things and say, just tell yourself, I'm good till tomorrow. No matter what, I'm good till tomorrow. I'm allowed to sleep for eight hours.

Out of office, dude. I'm out of office. Turn your phone off, get high, go out of Yeah.

Take care of the last things you have to do so you don't think, Oh, shit, something's still holding me.

Yeah, you don't want the anxiety. Because the anxiety of what I have to do. Sometimes if I go on a trip and then the next day, I'm thinking, Fuck, I have to do something in the morning. I I would say, make sure you're done for that day and make sure the next day, you got a little clearance in the morning.

You can do real drugs if you want.

You don't want to wake up at 9:30.

Yeah, I went to Billy's Drinks with Matt Edgar, and it was afterwards, let's go to... We're in Fortworth, and we stayed in the stock yards. I got some recommendations of where to go, and we're like, I guess we should go back to the room and get sleep for tomorrow. We're both like, Why sleep for tomorrow? We're in a cowboy town. Let's go out.

Yeah, let's go.

It was great. But we had that same thing where we got from one of their guitar techs or Billy was like, I'll hook you up with tickets. And I was like, okay, front row on the side. I was like, Cool. Then one of the ladies was like, Hey, can we go in there? The pitch? Show me your thing. And she's like, I got to ask. She asked three different people. And I was like, I just want to go in there. Yeah, where it is. And then she was like, look. She's like, you can go. I'm like,. It was so great.

Where's Edgar now? He's in Austin?

Austin, yeah.

He's loving it, huh?

He loves it. He grew up in LA, in Long Beach, so it's like he needed a change.

He needs to change. And he loves it. He gets paid. You wouldn't go down there.

It's tacky. I love it, dude. It's like whatever they say about the comedy scene. It's a Bachelorette town.

Tough. That's Second Street or whatever. Yeah.

sixth Street. Sixth Street is like a darker Broadway. It is. It's just like, egh.

Way darker Broadway.

I had to call 911. Literally, last time I was on call 911 because a homeless lady was so passed out. Then when they tried to like, Lady, okay, a bunch of barf comes out. It was like, she's dying. I called 911. I was on hold for over three minutes.

911, what was your emergency?

Yeah, that's exactly it. I was like, This is crazy. Then the lady was there. She goes, You're on hold with paramedics. I'm like, Get them. I just want to report it. Start sending them. It was nuts. But I'm like, That's the shit you walk out on.

Yeah, no, I don't like it. I said it's like Worldstar Hip hop Live. You're like, This is all going to make the internet. Somehow everywhere, there's a fight. Well, last time I was there, you would like it. There was Black Israelis yelling at everybody in the streets. The black Israeli were out.

Wow. On sixth Street.

On sixth Street, going fucking off, screaming at people.

I love them.

They're the Q-Anon of religion. They're like, What time are you spending? The black Israeli were... And they were wild. They were like, you bark. Anybody that got near them, they started yelling at. I bananaed as far as I could to go to get to the club. I was like, We'll just go a block south. I don't want to be yelled at before I go to the spot. No, it's not a good vibe. Not a big fan. Also, do your thing, more power to you, but also- The rest of Austin, so I go to that part way too much now.

That's where we are. The rest of Austin is cooler, but there's still It used to be a great pill town and a bit of a coke town and definitely a drinking town and also a drive drunk town. It was just acceptable. Blacks, I'm not talking to you, but for the Whites, it was just like, Don't be an asshole. Drive under control. If they catch you, they catch you. We all know the world. They get you. They got you. But also people always complain, I didn't even make an illegal tour. They pulled me up for no reason. But you did blow it at 7.4..

They pulled you over because you were blacked out. How would they know? They knew. They knew. Yeah. You were driving at 2:30 in the morning. What the fuck?

But it was always a cool town. Then maybe it was Instagram, I don't know, became a bit of a bachelorette town. Everyone's influencing.

Yeah, it's become- The honky-tons are pictureable. It's become a different version of itself. I used to love going there back in the day, going that Lady Bird Lake or whatever, going to the Barton Spring.

Coyaking of Barton Spring's rules.

Nude Beach, yeah, up the way. Take out your penis and go swimming. You see some titties? Love that, dude. Not anymore. I don't even know if people do that anymore. It's too busy. Nobody wants to be nude publicly if it's too busy. They want the comfort of like, yeah, there's a dozen people are here. They see my tits, my wiener, my asshole. When it's 50, 60 people, you're like...

The store, the mothership, whatever, got a condo, and they have a balcony that you can see where the mothership is. They have a condo now? Yeah. Because they're doing hotels every Then some people are like, Can I stay an extra day? They're like, Yeah, the group broke it's pretty generous. But eventually, they're like, Let's just get a place. Stay five days if you want. Yeah, why not? Man, that balcony, when your dick is out over Austin, you're just like, Oh, it's so great. They can see you, but they don't. But they can.

That's what I love about New York. Whenever I'm in the hotel, I walk around so naked because I love that people can see you naked. It's a great exchange. I love that. Everybody sees it and it's okay.

They're like, Oh, you don't know me.

Yeah, no, it's a part of the thing. But it's also untraceable. You don't know what room I'm in. That's the coolest part. What? Some room. Yeah. You don't know where I am. You couldn't count the floors and figure it out. No way. In LA, you see a guy naked in his house. You're across the street. I see you.

I see your caca. I've told you to stop. I told you I have kids, and you won't stop.

I I drink coffee in my front window with my cock out sometimes, just hoping people will walk by and see it. I'm on my property, dude. I'm going to be cock out.

Did you like Australia? I went to a nude beach there in Perth.

What? Why didn't we go to a fucking nude beach? We loved Australia. The only bummer was, too fast. This is my second time.

That's what Bobby just said.

Too fast.

We were just like... The Jews won't let you take days off. What you need to do Friday, Saturday only. And so that way you can come early and then go to the next place, stay late.

But you know what the Jews did to us, baby? They ran us. They ran Let's try.

When Kanye was like, How do you say that? I'm like, We've all been saying that. It means your agent. It's code for your agent. They might not even be Jewish. It just means the Jew arts. Then you went back on him so hard that you made them anti-Semitic. You just left him to make a nice joke.

What are you doing, buddy? We really liked you. We were rooting for you. No, we loved it, though. We had a great time. We went to Rotness Island to go see the- You did. The quackas. Yeah, I saw the Quackas, mate.

I never was one of your biggest regrets. I told Jetski, I was trying to get her to stay sick. I was like, literally, one of my biggest regrets in life is not getting out there.

Oh, so cool. The boat was fun. Then Jetski- Did you boat out there? Yeah, you boat out there. Then Jetski and I took the morning to ourselves and we went to go see. There's a little like There's a little patch of natural preserve in Perth, and they have kangaroos. I don't remember the name of it, but we took a walk and I was like, Oh, they're probably sleeping because they're pretty nocturnal. We're walking around. I'm like, Oh, we're not going to see any. Then she goes, we go to the north end of the island, and she's like, I have a feeling. I swear to God, this was insane. She goes, I have a feeling we're going to come across one finally. Within 2-3 minutes, she goes, Look. I was like, no shit. Wild. She had the vibe. It was right there, and they were all nestled together. A bunch. A bunch, yeah. A herd. A crew. A crew is what they call it. A gang. They're called a Gang-a-roos. Gang-a-cru. Gang-a-roos. Gang-a-roos. Yeah, Gang-a-roos. They were just chilling out, and she was so amped. I was like, Oh, this is great. Because we traveled so much.

I had been there. Those guys didn't get to see shit. They I feel like hotel venue, hotel venue, hotel venue, airport, airport, airport.

It's not the way to go.

That sucked, dude. I felt bad for these. But it was fun. It was fun.

I mean, it's still fun. It's different food. The flat YTS are the best. The fucking avocado smash are the best.

We went out in Melbourne. We had a good time in Melbourne, too, because I love it. I have a big crush on Melbourne. I'm so all about it. I would move there tomorrow.

Melbourne would be a good city. I actually, during COVID, the lockdowns were happening. I was in New York, so they're like, Oh, that's locked down. Then once they told you, Well, if too many people are there, it spreads fast. And it was like, you do the math. Like, Oh, New York's done.

Yeah, done.

Forget it. Forget live in our gathering. New York's done. I'm trying to make a short list of where I could move. Austin was one because I'm like, Texas. I wasn't thinking what would eventually lock down. It was like, if I moved to Austin, I could do a once a month in Dallas, once a month in Houston, once a month in San Antonio. Host at the Cap City that hadn't closed yet, the old one. That's a good bounce around. I was like, what can I do? I thought about Hong Kong. I thought about Melbourne. Hong Kong? Yeah. They They would open it up. It was real strict on it. They disappear you if you had a fever. That's cool.

They kill you on site. Yeah. Go buy for now.

They put you in a van for a while.

They what?

They were like, let's go. They were just going to McDonald's. They're like, oh, shit, you have a fever. And then you come back in a week.

But Australia was crazy strict, too.

They locked it. They locked it apart. Australia was. Melbourne was worse than Sydney.

Yeah, they locked it down.

But you could do stand-up. Yeah, you could move around. I thought about it anyway. Then it turns out things were wacky and ends up the only place to really go was Switzerland. Why Switzerland? They never did a thing.

They didn't do anything? Wow.

I went there and I was doing a joke in reference, just a set up on the tour of just focusing on good things in life. Do you ever have time to think? Remember when COVID lockdowns, you actually had a moment to think? Yeah. They all started giggling. I was like, Oh, right. You guys didn't do that. They're like, No. No, we lived. I'm like, Did you all die? Is that why I'm not selling that well here? Did you guys all die?

Everyone that would come is gone.

No, they had no effects Whatever. But that was the only place. Everything just keep going, do whatever.

Yeah, but they did fine just for themselves. My neighbor, my old neighbor at my old house, was this cool dude.

We're like, Gabor because he's a homosexual.

Say, Hey, no, you aren't. No, you aren't. He knows who he is. Don't do that.

That's okay. That's okay.

This guy would take his dog and his boat and go up to the Pacific Northwest. They had a place on a little island. He's like, Brother, there was no such thing as COVID. He's like, There's 50 to 60 people that we know out on that little peninsula. He's like, We just We did whatever we wanted to do all the time. They just stayed up there. He's like, We just stayed until everything calmed down. I was like, Oh, you had your own... What was that fucking movie with Leonardo DiCaprio? The Island, the Beach? Yeah. It's like you were on the beach.

Especially if they're isolated, they're like, It's not here. We passed in Ecuador. We have a couple of places that were like a walking dead, do not come inside. That's cool. Over a little rickety bridge, and then like, outsider's not wanted. We just don't want this in here. That's so cool. Then they were just like, yeah.

You have to do the riddles with a troll by the bridge if you want to come into this little location.

There was just no way to fully test for it.

No, the tests weren't real.

Anyone knew that came in could have it.

Of course. Are you kidding me? I tested negative both times that I had it.

This is every zombie movie. I think we're fine. I think we're fine. I think we're fine. You seem cool. I was like, I did just get bit yesterday, but I'm sure it's fine.

Don't tell anybody. I want you in here. You're my brother. You're my blood. I have to protect you. What do you think the next revolution is? It's coming. What's the next big Epidemic, pandemic. It's coming.

I think it's something to do with online. I think we're going to-What about these drones in Jersey? No, I know all about this.

This will be long gone by the time this episode comes out. I'll tell you that off here. Oh, that's fucking cool. Yeah. Whoa, really? Yeah. Well, this episode will already be out. Way after that thing is done with.

I'll just tell you what it's related to.

Give it to me right now. Two things.

Banks and the weather.

What are you guys? What are you up to? It's a good day to go banking. What are you guys up to? It's a good day doing a I do think it's hilarious that it was only over Jersey. That makes me laugh so hard. It's nowhere else but Jersey. It's like, what? They're like, The aliens, dude, they're at why Jersey?

I like how the government, the military is like, We don't know what it is at this time. It's But also, are you looking into it, though? They're like, no.

Not really.

So you're involved then. I didn't say that. No. But you're not not saying that.

Well, we don't not say nothing.

Shouldn't you investigate? We'll see. We'll know what it is by now or I'd be crumbled.

Yeah. By the time this episode comes out, we will know publicly how creepy that is and how we'll know in retrospect and go, that makes perfect sense. Yeah, we shouldn't have been joking about it. That's exactly who was doing that. Well, I've seen those drones.

It was RuPaul trying to fucking gay everybody up.

Well, is that a new drag race? Do you think that is?

Maybe a new drag race.

New drag drone race?

I think it's the plot of one of the X-Men movies, X-Men, where they're trying to make everyone mutants. Rupaul got that science. She's trying to make everyone a drag queen.

You'd be a pretty hot drag queen.

Oh, baby, you know it.

Those legs, those stems, dude, shave those up. And you could talk. You're long enough, you can talk.

I can talk? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, You have? You've tucked? Tuck and tape? You've never tucked and taped. Never taped. Yeah, you got to tape. You got to learn. That's like a big to do.

Dress and Dragon, the University of Maryland, once, way before, it was popular for Halloween. And I borrowed it. I was a practice player for the girls' basketball team, I borrowed their high heels. Who else has an 11.5 men's high heels? But man, it was pretty fun.

Liberated, wasn't it? Yeah, you felt good in a dress, didn't you?

Yeah, mini skirt, shaved.

You felt hot?

Yeah. I got approached by gays. You got hit on. Yeah, this guy kept asking me for my number, and I was like, I don't know. He kept asking me for my number, and I was like, I don't know. He kept asking me, Come on, come on, come on. Eventually, one of my female friends said, Give him my bank number. Right.

Thank you. You guys have been doing this for years.

Thank you for your expertise.

God, that makes perfect sense.

Gave him my gay friend's number.

All right. That's good. That'll work.

They fucked.

Yes.

He just got a number. He's like, I met you on like, Adam's Morgan. He goes, No, you didn't. He goes, No, it wasn't me. But what's your name? Gays are nuts. That's awesome. This is pre that website that you're on all the time now that you have an account.

What is it called? Tickler or Whisperer? Do you have spots while you're in town? Yeah. You tonight? Well, tonight we'll go to the store then, because I think I'm there tonight. Oh, great. Ladies and gentlemen, do yourself a huge favor. Please watch at your earliest convenience, my good friend, Ari Shafir's special, America's Sweetheart. It's available right now on Netflix. I know that you You got to have Netflix.

You got to have Netflix. Com. They're drop shipping CDs.

They're drop shipping CDs to your front door. Go see it right now. Go watch his other specials, also available on Netflix. Buy the album. See him on tour. He's going to be on tour all next year.

I'm on tour in This whole year.

This year, 2025.

No, the first half of this year, then I'm done for two years.

No, you're not done for two years. No, you're not. I am.

That's a lie. 2026 is gone.

Why?

I'm traveling.

The whole year? Yeah. You're not going to do one show?

I'll tell you about it. I'll do in town sets in parts of it.

So not until 2027 that they'll see you again. So if you don't catch them in 2025 right now, you're cooked for next year.

And also, I won't be back in those cities until like, 2029. Jesus Christ. Seattle or wherever, Atlanta.

You got to go. If you have a chance, please go. We end the episode the same way, my love. Look in that camera and say one word or one phrase to end the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.