Transcript of Felipe Esparza is wild! | Whiskey Ginger

What up, Whisky Ginger fans. Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. Leave a comment down below for the Algo Rhythm. We got a great show today, and also, I am back out on tour. I got only so many dates left to finalize the tour until we're donezo in February. So left this year, I'm going to Naulins. I'll be in Naulins and San Antone. Come on out and see your boy. Then in the new year, I'm bouncing all over the place. I'm going to be going to Chicago. I'm going to be going to Boston, Philly, New York, Durham, San Diego, San Francisco, Arizona, Phoenix, Minnesota. At Boston, we added a bunch of shows. Minnesota, we added shows. San Diego, we added shows. Come out and see your boy. Go to AndrewSantino. Com for those tickets. Andrewsantino. Com.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are huge as well. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like ginger.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I don't know what they say that from, I guess, but I mean, once again, today, it's Felipe Esparza.

What's up, man?

Thank you for having me, man.

Felipe Esparza.

Haven't seen you since birth house. Yeah.

Did you eat some of that cake? Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise's cake? Yeah. It was good. Do you like it? Yeah. I thought the other stuff was better.

It had the white chocolate chips instead of dough.

Yeah, but I just I don't like coconut. Yeah. I don't know what it is. I never liked coconut. You like coconut? Yeah. Mexicans like coconut.

Not all of us. Mostly like all the Latinos from the Caribbean. Then they're like, coconut.

Then they're like, coconut.

Then they're like, coconut. Cocooner milk, coconut butter.

What's your favorite Latino dessert?

I don't know, man. Our desserts are not that as sweet as American sweets.

But I don't like Super Sweet.

Then I don't know.

Chesleches? Chesleches is good.

I'm sorry, not chesleches. I like rice pudding.

Oh, rice pudding. You don't like Flan. You don't like that.

Flan is good. I can fuck with that. It's all right. But what's the other one? It's mustard, right?

Yeah. It's like a cluster consistency.

Shout out to Denver, man. They have a lot of cluster restaurants over there.

Do they?

In Denver? Yes, man. They have a place called Freddie's, and they serve a billion types of mustard. I didn't know you could eat mustard in a cup. I thought it was just like a mustard pie, but they serve it with like a pocket of ice cream over there.

No, it is good. I mean, it is good. If it's done right, it's good. Otherwise, It tastes like banana cream pie. I could do that, but it's got to be right. Otherwise, I don't like if it's too slurpy, sloopy. You know what I mean? Yeah. Sloopy? Hang on. Sloopy. Rice pudding, though. That's funny because my wife's family does. They're Swedish, and they do this rice pudding shit for Christmas, and they hide... Do you do this? Do Mexican do this? They hide an almond in there, and when they cook it, so then whenever people scoop it out, whoever gets the almond has the good luck for the year or whatever. Wow.

We do that for... I think it's called... I don't know if it's... Because I don't know our holidays that well. If it's the three wise men, Yeah. Or the Fat Tuesday, like a New Orleans thing. But we have a cake, too. You do. Fuck, yeah. We have a cake, and it's round. It's like the Royal King bread from New Orleans. Same style, same color, but it's our version of it. But we had a little baby inside of it.

What? You put a little toy baby in there? A baby.

Just like they had a donut, we had a fucking plastic tiny baby in it.

And what does that mean? The next person is going to get pregnant?

I wish. No, but that's what would be a nice horror movie.

You have the devil in you now? Yeah.

Whoever gets a bread and has the baby, He has to throw a party for everybody that's there.

What does the baby mean?

Baby Jesus.

So if you eat Jesus, you have to throw a party?

Yes. If you like eating it and then you say, Who has the baby Jesus? I do. You have to throw a party, man.

All right. Because I was going to say, that can't be for Mexican-themed. If it was whoever found the baby has a baby next, it would be a million babies. Yes. Everybody would have it.

I don't know who started that, but I always thought it was funny. Maybe that's why there's so many babies because the person is too cheap, doesn't want to throw a party. So he gets pregnant instead.

Yeah, you get pregnant instead. But then you got to throw a baby shower. Then people give you gifts.

Yeah. Because I remember I got the little I was a little boy, but I was not old enough to throw a party. So they gave me a baby mama instead.

That's the exchange?

That's good. We're on holidays, man. I know that on Day of the Dead, you put a little altar for someone someone who passed, like your brother, your sister, your mother, or premature baby that didn't make it. You took a picture of them, put it right there with little candles. I remember to have a bit about it because I didn't believe in that stuff. I remember we left him for my cousin. He was a heroin addict. We left him everything. He liked his picture. In the morning, woke up. There was no television. We heard tapping. I can't hear a tapping of the But it was just uncle with his arm.

That's so good.

But that's our thing, man. It's a weird one, man. I remember when I had a baby mama, and they're from El Paso. So they're Chicano, I guess. They're more like Tejano. They're more like... How do you describe these Mexicans? But they're Tejano. They could go five generations and they're all born in America.

Oh, wow.

Right? And they all speak like, let me tell you something, man. I don't like the way you're doing things here. You're in El Paso.

El Paso, home. So they talk like that. It's more like Texas Chicano.

Five generations of talking like that. And they can't even trace their grandma anymore to Mexico.

So there's no Mexico connection anymore.

There's no Mexico connection. They're like Chicano. And their mom was crazy. She thought that when my baby mama got pregnant, there was going to be a full moon in three days. So these crazy women showed up to our house, did a little prayer and put safety pins around her belly button, around her underwear. So you would have a mongolo baby, I guess. I don't know.

What?

But I was like, for good luck, because I'm supposed to be like the full moon and her being pregnant, it causes bad luck. But they had safety pins. Did it I don't know, man, but I used to wear a fucking safety pin on my shirt because of punk rock. I had to get mine up, bro.

Right. You had to give it up to her.

Here, man. I thought that was a weird one, man. That is weird. The safety pin.

Was that her family or was that tradition down there? Her family. Yeah. You never seen that before?

No. My family more like, Oh, you're going to be a dad of 17. All your life is over.

But now it was the opposite. Yeah. It made your life stronger. Isn't that wild?

Is your wife from Sweden?

No, no. Her family is.

Oh, because that baby mama that I had kids from, my daughter, she lives in Sweden. Oh, really? Yeah. She's married to somebody there in Sweden.

Why Sweden? Why did she move to Sweden?

I don't know, man. The Internet.

The Internet will do it to you.

She met a guy from Sweden who looked like a guy from Los Angeles with a bunch of tattoos.

Yeah.

But I guess all the letters are Swedish.

Right. It's all Swedish writing instead of- Yes, man.

He's all tetted out.

Gothic Swedish.

And he has crazy crosses, man. Then BoonDong Saints shit.

Oh, he does? He's got the guns and all that? Yeah.

And that's a big old cross. His mother is 100% Sweden. She's a white lady born in Sweden. But his father is from, I don't know, man, some country where people look like me. They're throwing rocks at everybody.

Maybe Spain?

No, they're throwing rocks at everybody. Oh, really? They're from the Middle East.

Oh, right.

I wouldn't say Persian because there's no Persia.

Well, there's Iran.

Maybe Iran.

Yeah. Could be around. One of those countries. Yeah. And so she's over there. How old is she? 17, 18?

No, man. She's like 20 something. Holy shit. Yeah. I had my kids when I was in high school.

Wild, huh? How many you have? Two? Three.

My wife's son, too, because I met him when he was one, two years old.

Four. No more. That's it.

No more, man. We tried, though.

You wanted one more. Two more. You wanted a couple more.

My wife and I tried and we couldn't. We kept going to the in the hospital, when you take you to your pregnant and you hear the heart, congratulations, you're happy. But then you go back and you hear the heart and they tell you, but you don't feel any. It's not growing, but then they tell you it's dead. Damn. Yeah, so that happened one time, right? That's awful. And it happened a second time. The third time, I had a show at the on Cero Improf, right? And we were on her way there, and she already had the baby in there, right? She was just going to miscarriage it out because I think you still have to get the delivery for a dead baby. Sure. So it's crazy because when we were driving, like blood. I just looked over and there was blood. Like blood started coming out first. In the car? In the car. So we had a bunch of baby wipes, and I put it under. I felt like a Harvacut tower and Rutherport dogs, bro.

He's bleeding. You're all right. You're all right, man. You're all right.

We're going to make this. You're all right. And then we check in. I go to my show, and then baby comes out in the toilet.

Wild. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. That's wild, dude.

The third one was the craziest one because It was like, I don't know, it was already dead inside, but she was like two months. That's terrible. And it was weird. The hospital that we were was the one here in Seymour. And we didn't know, but I knew it was Catholic Church, but I didn't know they were that hard core. Oh, yeah. So my wife, the doctor, told her, Well, your baby is dead in there. We could abort it or you could have another miscarry. Go through all that pain again. So he's like, I just take it out now. I go, okay, but we can't hear because it's a Catholic church.

Oh, right. They can't do an abortion in the Catholic church.

Catholic churches in America, apparently, they didn't know. They don't They don't do abortions.

You have to go to a facility.

But even though the baby was already gone, it was dead inside.

Yeah, right. That sucks.

Yeah.

So you have to move from there to another facility.

So this one was worse because she had a hysterectomy, I guess.

All that stuff.

Then the doctor said, Why? What am I? She went through menopause early because all that stuff, waiting for the baby to come out. But yeah, man, we tried.

I have a couple, a lot of times, man.

Yeah, that's wild. It's funny. I thought about a bit after it. I said, what if I get a girl pregnant on the road? I could just tell my wife, babe, that's a miracle, baby. We could kill this bitch and live it ourselves. That's right. That's a miracle, baby.

It's a miracle, baby. It's a miracle, baby. We just kill her and take it ourselves.

Easy. That's funny, man. You got a white woman, three times, no baby. For a Latina check, Black check, Asian check, across the street, they're done.

Right, right, right. It's white people, man. We're tainted. There's something afoot with the Whites. Something's up.

You know, it could have been me. I never tested myself. I smoke a lot of weed. Maybe my fucking sperm gave up halfway there. Just tired. They said, Chale.

Took a nap. I don't know, siesta.

My cup was floating like Bugs Bunny in that river when he was sleeping.

Yeah, bro. Got to take a nap, dude. It's a long way from your balls, bro. For those guys, that's long. They got to give up. You never tested your sperm?

No, my sperm didn't come out before. When you're young, it comes out like mustard, bro.

It just falls out.

I got to throw it at her.

Open up. You got to start flicking it in. I remember I got my sperm tested the first time, what, three or four years ago? It's funny that I got nervous Nervous because I was like, oh, shit. What if it's whack results? You know what I mean? You don't think about it. And then I got it back. The numbers were fine. Everything was fine. They didn't say good or bad. They said it's fine, which it was average or whatever. But I was still tripping the whole time. I thought, I better have a good jerk. I better whack this good.

How do they test it? You got to jerk off into something.

Yeah, you literally have to go into a room and jerk off in a cup. And three Filipino nurses just wait outside of the door until you're done.

Everybody knows.

Everybody knows that you're jerking off, laughing laughing at you inside. Well, the wireless shit is they set you up and they go, do you want to watch? Do you want to have a DVD or do you want magazines? And I was like, do you have good Wi-Fi? Clearly, I'm going to use my phone. I'm not jerking off to a VHS or a magazine from the old days.

I know.

I got Wi-Fi, bro.

How old is that? What do you guys have? Oh, man. Fuck. They took all our magazines. I have a cover of pitch catalog.

Great.

I'm going to jerk off to a store that doesn't have my size. Man, watching your Red Head, and I remember growing up, there was a red headed kid. Damon. I'm almost said his last name.

Just say Damon. That's fine.

Damon, what's up, bro?

What's up?

What's up, bro? Oh, man. Was that tough for you? Because it was tough for him, man.

What did he get? Beat up or did he get in fights?

He got into a lot of fights.

What neighborhood?

Picle Garden Housing Project.

Was he a Mexican with red hair? He was Black. Black kid with red hair? Yeah. Even weirder.

Weirder, bro. He had those little dots.

Yeah, the freckles.

At the basketball player from the Celtics. Dennis Johnson, right?

Who? Magic Johnson? Dennis Johnson. Dennis Johnson?

From the Celtics. I don't know who the fuck that is. He had fucking freckles, red-headed Black dude.

Wait.

Not Last Parish, but another guy named Johnson.

Not Robert Parish?

Robert Parish. Who the fuck is Last Parish?

Who's Last Parish?

Who's Last Parish? I don't know who the fuck- Robert Parish is the guy from the Celtics, right? Yeah, the Celtics.

I think they said Last Parish. I was like, Who the fuck is- Who's Last Parish? I don't know, bro. You said it.

I'll be confused, though.

Wait, so this kid, was he tall?

Bro, he was very tall.

He was very athletic. And he fought everybody. Yeah.

And he was not... I don't know if you had that in your neighborhood where there was dudes who were all into sports, and then there were dudes that were like, they're about selling drugs, bro. Yeah, I was all about sports. And then there was others.

Yeah, others. He was others. He was others. So not sports, not into the streets. What did he do? What was his thing? Was he like a nerd? Was he like a nerd, man.

He hang out with me. We play baseball him and I. We sit behind a wall with a baseball and a glove. I would pitch curves with a tennis ball, throwing my junk, knuckleball, and striking him out or playing over the line. We'll play every single summer, man. Then him and I, I hope he's not listening. Him and I, we will go. He was crazy. We will go. We were junior high. We will catch the bus from where where we live to downtown Atlanta and catch the one bus and take that shit away to Hollywood or something. And then we would just walk around with binocular, bro, like spying on prostitutes. Just peeping on Lookers? Yeah, man. It was our first takeout.

You were undercover cops, undercover perfs. So what year was this? In high school?

High school. Junior high.

Yeah. Junior high, high school. We have to be back home before midnight.

So There's a lot of cruising in Hollywood.

Yeah, back then. That was a different time.

We look at girls in their cars.

Right.

And then go to Denny's.

You see guys getting picked up, or chicks getting picked up, and then you see them around the corner in the alley. Yeah. Hollywood is so different now.

Yeah. That It was Hollywood, but by Denny's on fucking Yucca.

On Yucca. Yeah, I know where that is.

Yeah, by the Galway.

Yeah, I know. Exactly.

Right there, it was packed. They were all over.

You know the one-on-one entrance there where it's the loop, where you can loop to get on. A friend of mine drove on that one backwards drunk one night, got on that exit the wrong fucking way.

That's the one by Denny's, right?

Yeah, exactly. It's right around the corner. Yeah. She knows who she is.

Also, I don't know if it's still happening, but a little Thai town.

Yeah, Thai town is right there. Yeah.

That used to be a prime spot for transgender prostitutes.

Really? Yes. See, I thought that the trans prostitutes were over by the Donut Shop. It's not- Yes. It's not- Highland. Yeah, on Highland. Exactly. I don't know when they end up there, but- That's so funny that everybody knew that's where it was. By the public storage. Yeah. Trejos Tacos is there now, right?

Shout out to Ian Edward. He shot a movie in that area called Tangerine.

Tangerine?

Yeah, it's a movie called Tangerine, and it was shot with all iPhone. And it was about a prostitute there in that area talking about a donut shop right there.

I used to see him all the time. The bus stops right there.

And he and I were playing pimp.

Oh, he does?

Yeah. And then it's called... It was all shot on iPhone.

No shit. Did he write it?

No, he just started as a pimp.

He stars, yeah. He's a skinny pimp. That's a tiny pimp.

Well, these are like skinny transvestites. Bro, it's a crazy- If the girls are skinny, the pimp can be skinny. Tangerine shows you the darkest side of that area that you don't care to know.

That you don't really know? Yeah.

They show the actual, I don't know the funny actors, Good Casting. But they all look like they live in that area. Like one of the main character was an Romanian guy, my friend.

My friend, my friend, my friend.

And he's looking for prostitutes, and he picks up a prostitute and he goes, show me it. Show me it. And then she put on her underwear and she had a vagina. Get the fuck out of here.

He wanted the other one. He wanted a dude. He wanted a little pretty boy. You got to reorder again.

But yeah, that's our Thai town used to be very...

That What was heavy back then when you were in high school?

I used to work security guard.

In Tye town?

No. And Highland and Wilshire.

What were you doing down there?

Fucking kicking it back, doing nothing, writing jokes.

What was the security for?

It was the main office of Wack and Hut Security.

Wack and Hut?

Yes, Wack and Hut.

Fuck, bro.

And what's his name? The office was there.

What's his name? Wilshire and Highland? Yeah. I'm trying to think what's around there now.

Nothing. A 711.

It's like a bank. Yeah. There's a bank on the corner. Yeah.

O. J. Simpson's lawyer have an office there.

Oh, no shit. Robert Kardashian?

No, the other one, the black guy.

Johnny Cochrane. Johnny Cochrane, yeah. Junior.

He His office was there. He would get death threats. So our company who was in that building, we would just have security guards.

Just roaming around just a case?

Just sat outside his office.

Did you ever see Johnny Cochrane walking around? Yeah.

He signed my newspaper that The one that had him holding it said, whatever.

If it doesn't fit, you must have quit. Yeah.

I'm not guilty. So he signed my paper.

You still have that? Fuck, no. No, bro. That's something you have to keep because if you grew up in this, you grew up in the city. It was weird. You must have seen celebrities as a kid if you were rolling around Hollywood. Yeah, man. You did, right?

I used to work at Dodger Stadium as a cashier and also selling hot dogs.

Did you steal?

No, but I just eat a lot of food.

Yeah, I was he going to say. Everyone I know that worked at baseball stadiums, they all stole.

Stealing to them is taking leftovers home.

Really?

Yes. Fuck that. So they wouldn't make us wear see-through backpacks. So they wouldn't know. They would have to tell you, open your bag because they could just tell you, let me go see it from the outside. No shit. Yeah, I saw a lot of comedians from the '80s there, and I would ask them for advice. They were always nice.

Got the comics like Dodger games.

This lady was big, bushy hair. Elaine Boosler.

Elaine Boosler.

Yeah, she was cool. And that guy, the teacher from Punky Brewster, something Carter.

Yeah. I don't remember his name, but I know who you're talking about. So you'd ask him, would you tell them I want to be a comic?

I said, I'm doing standard comic. What should I do? And she was to just keep writing. Keep writing.

Keep writing. Yeah. Yeah, you do, though. You're a great writer. What comic did you meet when you were young that was your favorite fucking comic? Who did you as a kid were like, that's the guy I wish I could be.

Ryan Deneuve?

Rodney. Did you ever meet him?

No. I met him one time, but I met his wife the other day at the Comedy Store.

Oh, really?

She was backstage with Whitney Cummings.

What were they doing? Were they working on something? She was hanging out. Just kicking it.

She was hanging out, man. Looking like a hot. I don't know her age, but she was hot. She was hot. For being that old.

You're talking about Whitney?

No. Rodney's wife. She looked like a lady that was Charlie's Angels back in the day.

She was a lad. Right. But she aged really well.

Yeah, man. Then I remember I went back all excited. You know who's back there? Who? Rodney's Angels' wife. I didn't recognize her. I know, bro. She has no respect. But I remember her because Rodney came into the laugh factory once and he was wearing a... He was beat up. He looked like He looked bad. No, he was not Rodney. He was just wearing an army jacket, sweats, tennis shoes, some glasses. He went up there, started reading his jokes without the character. Just like, Hey, I tell you, no respect. He was just reading them. And then his wife was standing like Thor holding the microphone, holding the chip recorder. She was recording his set. And then they left. I think there was a rider.

Did it bum you out a little bit? That To see it so raw like that, or did you like it?

No, I liked it, bro, because I was thinking about going to do it with my notes, too. And I was worried that people were, oh, he brought his notes up there? But it's Rodney. Another time I saw George Carlin in Las Vegas. He had a whole fucking notepad, man.

Just rifling through it.

He had a whole yellow notepad. And then he would try 20 minutes of the new stuff. Then he'll go, all right, time for some fart jokes. Then he'll go to fucking fart jokes.

You were fart, and a fart in a far far of you.

And then he'll go back to the notes.

Where was that at in Vegas? Do you remember?

It was at the- Trop or something like that? The Tropic Cano.

Yeah.

Or the Four Queens. I don't know where.

Yeah, it was a trap for years. It was like a spot.

It was closed, really close.

In here, we pour whiskey.

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Ginger. I like ginger.

Did you ever do Laugh Factory in Vegas? Never. Never. No, I did it one time. And now Vegas has a thousand clubs. Now like, Kimmel's and... What's wrong with me? What's his name? In the basement. Oh, my God.

The cellar.

No, the Seller is there, too.

I saw the WISE Guys from Utah is there.

Wise Guys there now? Yeah. And then they got Brad Garrett's Comedy Club. Brad Garrett's Comedy Club. It's crazy. Every time I go now and I go to Vegas and I look it up, if I'm playing somewhere, there's seven other people I know in the city. It's nice because then I meet up with It's the only time comics get to see each other outside of podcasting an airport or a birthday. I've seen you at this airport, birthday. Burbank, I run into you multiple times. Bert's birthday. It is funny, man. Otherwise, we're just gone all the time.

When I was that weekend that Canelo was fighting in Vegas. In Vegas, I run into everybody there. I run into Gabriel Iglesias' merch guy, and I used to work with that guy, Dodger Stadium. Oh, really? And I I've seen him in a long time.

Is he a comic? No. No, just a merch guy.

But he was just like a merch guy that earned his dues to be the merch guy.

Right. He worked his way up.

Yeah, because when Gabriel decided to quit his job to do stand-up, he decided to quit his job would get unemployment to just hang out.

That's pretty dope. That's great. What was Gabriel's job? Do you know?

He used to work at a kiosk at Home Depot selling Verizon phones.

No shit.

And he would leave for like two hours. He'd come back. He'll go do a set and then come back.

No one even knew.

I would call him up, bro. I would see like, somebody will hit me up and go, Hey, bro, Felipe, you want to do a gig in Riverside Community College? Yeah, how much? $200. All right. He goes, give me three, bro. I need a ride there. I got to get this guy. I got a ride. So then he'll drive for the 100 and then we'll go do that gig. And I remember that time we went to a casino. Right after that gig, we went to a casino. Right. San Manuel or somewhere.

San Manuel, yeah.

And we want money. Yeah. He made his 100, five, and I made my three, seven.

Right.

Then we drove back, and he went straight back to Home Depot to close that kiosk. He was sitting there like a ghost. Phones everywhere.

What's your What was your last job before a standup?

I was working at Dodger Stadium at Yoshinoya.

Oh, really? At Yoshinoya, the Asian Bowl joint?

Yeah, I worked at Yoshinoya. I worked at Tuckabell in Dodger Stadium.

In Dodger Stadium? Yeah. They just kept moving you around? Kept moving me around. Like a priest for the Catholic Church? Is it because you fucked up?

No, because wherever they sent me, somebody there was yelled at or they moved him to go to another stand. That job is Union. So they really can't yell at you.

They can't fire you either.

They would have to fire you doing something crazy. This girl I saw who decided to bring her PCP with her to work and get high in her break. Of course, she had to go, man. Then another person was stealing Stealing money? Yeah.

Pcp high at Dodger Stadium. Yeah. Like, can you wait? Facebook games are long. Can you wait? No, bro.

There were some people there that would go do a bump and then come back to work. I was like, I'm going to help you. How can you work like that?

You need to be fast and fast food, I guess.

Yeah, man. Of course, the people are the ones that are getting burned, cooking because they're not paying attention. Because they're ripped.

Oh, man. Did you ever get high at work?

Never.

Never. Never, never once.

Oh, yes. But this is not just data. This was at a job that was at the bottom of the bottom, I said. Like, lowest of the lowest, man. It was one of those jobs that Henry Chanasky and in fucking Factotem gets. Right. Charles Mokowski. Right. In that movie, Factotum. I just grab any job. Me and my friend, we're working for the Broadway warehouse in Lincoln Heights. That's where everything that belongs to the Broadway store except the clothes there. Like all the hangers, all the... Where were you hanging clothes? All the clothes hangers, all those little magnetic things for security were all there. So my friend and I, we had to separate. It felt like, I don't know if you ever seen those Holocaust movies? Where you see a bunch of their shoes stacked up to the ceiling.

Oh, yeah, it's awful.

But this place, it was just clothes hangers, bro. One whole room of clothes.

There's a Holocaust of clothes hangers.

Me and my friend, bro, we had to separate the three of them from women, kids, and pants. No, women, men, men and pants. So we were doing that for like, I said, I can't do this anymore. Am I going crazy?

Yeah.

And then my friend said, You want to get high? I said, Fuck, yeah.

Absolutely.

So we went to go get high, bro. And then came back, did the job. And then the next job we had was at Columbia.

The Mutant Records? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we were going to... It was this big warehouse of film. I care for the processed film, and they wanted us to take all the pipes out of the bottom because they're going to replace them with new pipes and all these pipes were plastic. At first, we were like, I'm screwing them all. Then I went to go ask the main guy that works there at the studio. What are you going to do with all the plastic afterwards? Or they're going to recycle it. So you're not going to use them ever again as pipes. No. So we don't have to screw them all off all gently. No. All right. Well, we went over there, bro. I gave everybody a hammer. We broke every pipe out of there, bro.

Smash that shit.

Smashing, bro.

That would have been fun.

We finished that job in a day. Right.

Clean that up. That's easy money.

We saw Sylvester Stallone, too.

Coming to Columbia?

Yeah. He had a nice Corvette convertible.

Yeah, he would. Probably like an old, like a Stingray or something like that from the '70s. Or was it a new Corvette?

It was a brand It was a new.

Oh, it was a new one, not a classic. He seems like he'd drive a classic. Yeah.

Even back then doing a horrible job, I was thinking to myself, oh, it would be cool. Like they would have paid one of us out to be in a movie.

Yeah, maybe. Chances are there. He could see you and be like, You. I like you.

Rocky. I wrote Rocky 7 in my head.

Come buy this script from me, Sly. I got Rocky, the Mexican Rocky, the Chicana I know Rocky, the Rocky of Texas.

Like, Fraser Smith. This time he's finding this in Jerry.

Cut me, Mick. I love Frish. I got high at almost every job I had when I was young. Because I picked jobs that I could get stoned at. Like, I was a bus boy or dishwasher.

Weed or coke?

Weed. Always weed. Because I'd like to be able to... If I could get high just to pass the time, then I wouldn't even think about the job. So I would get stone out of my mind and wash dishes, or I get ripped and do a bus boy. Man, I had so many fucking... I was a lifeguard at a pool at the YMCA, and I would just get high and sit in the chair all day.

I was on the swimming team in high school for swimming.

Really? I taught swimming lessons. I never swam once. I taught little kids how to swim, but I never once knew how to swim. I just made it all up.

Shout out to Mr. Florian.

Shout out, Florian. Where are you at? Big floor.

He had a license plate, H20 Polo.

Was that your high Was that in high school?

No, it was his coach. Mr. Florian, he was an Italian man. And then he looked like Italian. When I watched television now, an Italian on television, I said, Oh, that was Mr..

Florian with Italian. What high school?

Roosevelt. Roosevelt High. That four used to have a big hair, bro, like Elvis. And we're his speedos, bro. And he looked like Booter the Barber beefcake.

A tight little speedo on. You never wear speedos.

Hell, no. He was in his 40s, too. I was afraid to get a hard on, so I never wear the speedos.

Because you would see it. You always wear shorts.

Yeah, but all the girls, you could see their nipples on their bathing suit. They're in high school.

You like that back then, huh? Man. It was a good old days.

How to be under the water, being a perb.

Everyone had to duck underwater to catch a glimpse of something.

How about that, man? And I said, we got to have binoculars. I didn't have binoculars. I didn't have No, nothing to see. So I will come out with a red eye.

Yeah, just open your eyes and burn. Let it burn. I remember that. Just get under there and let it burn for a minute. Who cares? It's worth it.

At your high school or junior high, was there a part where you would have crossed other students to get to another class? Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah. And it was really, really tight. You can't help it, but someone is going to grab you?

Yeah. I mean, you're going to bump into people without a doubt.

Were there people grabbing asses?

Yeah, probably. I mean, I don't remember, but I'm sure there were. Or it was just just fucking with people we If we saw a friend, we'd smack them or some shit.

My brother, he grabbed this girl's ass because he didn't want to grab her ass, like a pervert. And this girl punched the shit of the guy next to me. She got her. It's like She wanted to feel like she had a slingshot and then got it perfectly and popped his ass.

We had a ton. We had... My high school had like 3500 kids. We had a fuck load of kids.

That's a lot of fucking kids.

It was big. Man, Now it's like 4,000. The school is even bigger than it used to be. It's crazy.

That's in the city of Chicago?

In Chicago, yeah.

That's a lot. That's a big fucking school.

Oh, man. There's a lot of schools like that. La has got to have big schools like that, too, right? Fairfax High School is huge.

It's huge.

That's a big-ass school. In the middle of the city, that's got to be so many kids.

My high school, if you look on the map, it covers one whole square block.

Oh, yeah. One city square block. Yeah. Roosevelt.

And on the other side of our school across the street is our junior high school, Hollenback Junior High School.

Oh, yeah. Are you in the Hall of Fame?

No, man. Should be. But Apologia is from Prince. She's in it. And the Clipper's owner, the one that was busted.

Steve Ballmer.

The one that was busted.

Why can't I think of his name, dude? I see him. The guy that said the N-word or whatever. And his sidekick was from Roosevelt, too. What? The one that did the interview where she's like, I'm a silly rabbit and all that bullshit? Yeah. Why can't I think his name, dude? Sterling. Sterling. Donald Sterling. Who else went? Did anybody go to high school while you were there that got famous?

No.

In your four years, you were the one, huh?

That's- Oscar De La Hoya went to the other high school, Garfield.

Garfield High. Yeah. Who went there?

Oscar De La Hoya.

Did he really?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Also, Will I am, he went to Roosevelt. Did he? Yeah. He's on the other housing projects. Estrada Courts.

Estrada Courts. That sounds fancy. Estrada.

Estrada Courts. Wait, am I right? Estrada?

Because what are you? Pico what?

Pico Gardens.

Pico Gardens. Yeah.

But I could be wrong because I just know his neighborhood by the local gang. That's the way I know LA.

Right.

Which gang was there? Every time you tell me what street you get off on, I actually know what gang is there.

Really? Yeah. What was the gang closest to your neighborhood?

There were several. Cuatro Flats. And then there was Primera Flats, the other side and Third. There was a bunch of Cribs.

A lot of Cribs.

A lot of Cribs. And then those Cribs ended up moving to Lancaster. They ended up harder in third.

No shit. Now, they- They franchised. They branched out. Yeah. You got to kick back 10%.

But there were the originals, man, in that neighborhood. They were first street East Coast Cribs.

Do the Mexican Cribs and Black Crips get along or no?

When I was growing up, there was no Mexican Crips, just maybe one that I could think of. But that guy lived in... He was not from our neighborhood. He lived by Evergreen Park. But he was walking with them and wearing a blue rag. But the only time I saw that was in Phoenix, Arizona.

What? Bloods. Bloods.

Mexican bloods. They were all Mexican bloods. And they had cornrows, too. Wild. Yeah. And it was weird. It was sad because I'm pretty sure their shit was really straight. Perfect, man. More like egg rolls. No, but elotes. Elotes. They were mobbing it, man. They were yelling out blood, blood, blood. I was like, whoa, I never seen this shit before.

What gang did you get along with the most? Who fucked with you the most?

The ones in our neighborhood, I guess.

They were good with you?

They didn't get along, but there was so many. They didn't get along in the neighborhood, but when they went to high school, they all sat together.

But did anybody protect you? Were you protected by anybody? No, man. But they all left you alone?

They left me alone. But there's places where I couldn't go because it was just too crazy to go over there.

You knew better? Yeah. They never had to tell you. You just know when you're a kid, right? Yeah. Because everyone in the neighborhood says, Don't go over there, man.

Yeah, because that area was full of drugs.

Yeah. Yeah. You knew better.

They were selling a lot of drugs, man.

How many kids did you grow up with that got involved? All of them. Like any of your closest friends? All of them.

And to this day, they probably gangbanging on weekends.

They're like the weekend warriors?

I went to a show once when I first, one last come in standing, I was at the John Lovitz. When it was the John Lovitz Comedy. The Universal?

Yeah.

Then I went upstairs and there was a reserved table and all the names on the table were all gangs instead of names.

It was all the gang.

Yeah. We're like, reserve for this gang over here. Reserve for this other gang.

You got a lot of love. The gang showed you love afterwards.

The first time I performed on stage was with the guys from my neighborhood. They took me. They gave me a ride.

Where was it? What stage?

The first time was at the Natural Fudge, which is now called the Silver Lake. The The Fountain Theater on Fountain by that Tom Cruise K Church.

I know where it is. By the Scientology Church? Yeah. I know exactly where that is.

I'm sorry. It's called the Fountain Theater now.

Yeah, the Fountain Theater.

It used to be called the Natural Fudge. It used to be owned by Brenda and Johnny Roberts.

Natural fudge?

Yeah, because I didn't know it then, but they were vegan.

Okay, that's fucking weird shit.

They were like, Man, try the nut burger. Try the nut burger. I was like, Who's trying It was just stand-up. What are they going to get? That shit's not funny. But there actually was a burger made of nuts, and they were all vegan.

What now, though? That's where you went and performed and the gangs dropped you off?

You don't know, my homies went inside. They went inside. They watched it. It's crazy. They went inside, man, and made it their home. They were ordering beer and they were eating the food there. I guess they had wings. Somebody was standing outside and he's so dope outside. Somebody said, you got some? Yeah. And he started to crack right outside the theater because somebody wanted it.

Yeah, you got to support.

Plus, nobody was there. There wasn't that That street didn't belong to anybody.

On Fountain? On Fountain. Nobody was down there.

I'm pretty sure now it belongs to a gang car. Nope, it was neutral. So he was out there serving people. And They were spending so much money that the waitress finally said in a nice way, You guys ever heard of Chipping, You Chipping Bastards? Because I guess that was our first time going to a place with a waitress, I guess.

Right.

Everything else was getting- Everything was fast food.

Or get it from the counter.

Give me five burritos. Give me number five. Right. Extra napkins, please. But that lady was telling us. She told us about, Oh, like a hooker. Like a stripper? Yeah. Yeah.

A food stripper.

So then they just started tipping. And that was our first time tipping.

That was the first time you ever tipped? That's wild.

Then I went to there was a comedy contest at the Aquapuco restaurant on Sunset, and I took all my friends again, and I won.

You did? How much was it?

A hundred bucks, 200 bucks.

That's a good hundred bucks. I did Long Beach. I was playing in Long Beach, and I was bombing, and this guy, this gang member or this dude stood up, and he started throwing signs and yelling shit. Shut the fuck up. You fucking bitch. All this shit. And I was so nervous. Because I could tell. I was like, this table is not fucking with me. And he said, what is this last comic standing? That's what he said. What is this last comic standing? And I said, they wouldn't even let me on that show. That's how bad I was. And people started laughing. So then when people started laughing at me making fun of myself, it leveled the room a little bit. It got better. But I was so fucking scared. And then afterwards, the guy who ran the thing was like, you should leave before the show's over, just in case they try to find you and fuck you up. I was like, I'm fucking out of here, bro. Fuck it. I didn't say anything to him. I was trying to not pay attention to him because he stood up, fucked up. He was so drunk, and his buddies were trying to get him to calm down.

But he was flashing gang signs at me. Long Beach. Long Beach. That was my first impressions of Long Beach, the gangs of Long Beach, performing at little shitty clubs and bars around Long Beach.

I did a little bar in Long Beach that- It used to be so sketchy.

Sheet, man.

They had strict rules there. No dancing.

At a bar? At a bar.

My wife and I, we started dancing. I said, Hey, you want to dance? It was two. There was just two. They were just Black people sitting on the stool like this. They don't have a cabaret license or a dancing license. What? But they're doing standup.

You need to have a license to have people dancing?

Yeah, that place, Old Laws. They enforce them, I guess.

Because otherwise, it's like a nightclub. They shut them down. Yeah, it's like a nightclub or something.

It was called a Liquid Lounge. And that's the only place.

Why does that sound familiar? Where's that at?

It was probably your place because this place was the only place where you'll see surfers who live in their car and Cholos and Cribs.

Mixing together.

Right. And somebody there swear he knows Snoop Dogg.

Yeah. Say, Everyone there knows Snoop Dogg. With the high school? Yeah. Everybody went to high school with Snoop. Actually, he did go to high school with Cameron Diaz.

That's what he said.

Him, Cameron Diaz, and someone else. I can't remember. There's one more person that's famous from down there.

I did a show once at a place called Brawley, California, and it's far, it's in the middle of nowhere. Nothing special about that place. But I remember the tough crowd, man. I went up on stage and I took off my jacket. You know, you took off your jacket on stage. This dude from the row row went up, put it on and sat down.

What do you do? You just got to keep going. You don't have a choice, bro. You just got to keep telling your fucking jokes.

I just said, Sorry, ma'am. My lady's code. Then everybody thought I'd laugh. Brawly? Brawly.

I don't even know where the fuck that is.

By Blyth?

Blyth. Yeah, up by Blyth. I know where that is.

By Yacama? Yeah.

No, I'm sorry. No, no, no. Yuma. Yuma. Yuma area, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's the middle of fucking nowhere. In here, we pour whiskey.

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Dinger.

I like Dingers. But now you're gigging good, man. You're leaving for Dublin in the morning, right?

Yeah, I'm doing it for Dublin.

How long are you going to be in Ireland?

I'm going to be in Dublin for three days, and then England for another three, and then four in Amsterdam.

How many shows?

One in England and one in Amsterdam.

Amsterdam's amazing. You've been there before?

Amsterdam, yes. I went to a This will be my third time going this year.

I love it over there, man.

I went to December for our Christmas.

Oh, you went to Netherlands for Christmas? Yeah. Wow.

Then I went back in June for my birthday for Doja Cat concert.

Oh, that's dope.

Bitch, I I said what I said. I'd rather be famous instead. She's great. I let all that shit get to my head. Bitch. Then I'm coming back for the show.

That's fucking dope. I can't wait. I'm so excited for you, man. I just got back from Australia yesterday. It's a long ass flight.

How many shows you do over there? They were big, right?

Ten. Yeah. Bob and I did 10 shows in 13 days. And the biggest we did was Sydney had 8,500 or something like that. I think it was. Yeah. 8,500 was the biggest one we did.

Congratulations.

Thank you, bro. That was a crazy bit. Even to this day, I'm like, I can't believe it. But it was beautiful, man. We got to perform in these cities that I've never been to Western Australia, Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane. I've never been to New Zealand, Auckland. Have you been down there? No. Shit is wild. You got to go. Then they fucking would love it. They just I love it because it's so far. A lot of people don't go down there. It's rare.

I did Sydney and I did Melbourne.

Oh, you have been down there. Oh, you did. Yeah. You did Melbourne. Did you do...

The Comedy Club.

The comics Lounge. Yeah. The Lounge. The comics Lounge. The place is great, man. When I was shooting a When I was in a movie there, I went and did a couple of pop-up spots and sold a couple of shows there. I love that city. Melbourne is the best, man. So dope.

I didn't know that when I got there, I said, Where's the Aborigines at? And then when I spoke to local people, Oh, man, we stopped hunting them in '71. They're right, bro. They're not in the city. I didn't see any.

No, it's a lot of Asians. It's mostly Asian. Oh, yeah, man. It's all Asian down there. Yeah. A lot.

At my show, I saw a lot of people from El Salvador.

Al Salvador. Moved there, huh?

Moved there probably during the first civil war in 1980s. Wow. And they're in their 50s now or late '40s. No shit.

Al Salvador in Melbourne, in Australia. Yes.

Because they had... When I was looking to the local people there. Because one of the guys there, he does our cartoons for our podcast.

The guy that lives in Melbourne? Yeah.

He does Slopy tunes.

Slopy tunes. Yeah. And he told us that...

I forgot what he told us, man.

But he was telling you about the El Salvadorians moving down there.

I met a couple, like three Salvadorians, and they told us that they moved there during the Civil War with their parents.

No shit.

What happened is when America stopped taking in the Refugees. Refugees from El Salvador, Nicaragua, Guatemala. Australia took in the rest and sold it Toronto. And so did Alberta. When I was in Alberta, Alberta, Canada, they were all Salvadorians.

That's so weird to be up there, too. Talk about the climate shift. Alberta is fucking freezing in the winter. Yes.

And they don't even know. Here in LA, they have their own... It's like the capital of Salvador. Right.

They got their own...

Pico Union.

Right.

Your own body. Yeah. Pico Union. Like, they're DC. They didn't know that dude over there, he didn't know what... They call each other. They have their own N-word. It's called cerote. Cerote? Yeah, that means shithead. Shithead. Hey, shithead. But when a Mexican says it, it's like saying the N word plus nine to them.

Really? If you say that to a Mexican.

If a Mexican said it to them.

Oh, shit. So they say it to each other.

When a Mexican says it, they don't really say it in a happy way. And It's always like pinche cerote. Like that, all me.

Yeah, you're starting some shit.

The guy asked me over there, what's a cerote? You don't know, bro? He goes, and I took a picture of him, bro. And I said, that's right here, bro. We both started laughing and he got it. You guys call each other over there.

So Mexicans don't say that shit at all to them. Otherwise, you're starting to fight.

You're going to start a fight, man.

That's the N word for them. That's so funny. Not even.

Just call them compa or paisai.

What's compa? Homi. Homi. And paisai, what's that?

Buddy. Buddy. Like paisano.

Paisano. That's Italiano. Yeah. Kumpa.

Buddy. I did my uncedular DNA, man.

You did? What are we talking?

They opened up another child's support case on me. 11 % Greek-Italian. Me la pelas.

Really? 11 % Greek and Italian.

And then 3 % Irish. God bless. Those are the three red hairs that show up here every summer.

I see them right there. That little freckles right there, bro. And what's the rest? All Mexican?

39 % Native American.

39?

39. And there was like 2 % of Pacific Islander or somewhere in that area.

Samoa or some shit?

Yeah. And then the rest was from Africa, somewhere.

So how much Mexican? None. Shut the fuck up.

None.

Nothing. Yeah. Who Who are you, bro?

I'm pirate blood, bro.

You must be. Yeah. You're from all over.

Whoever was out there pillaging, it's my dad. I do a bit about it because I have very short legs. I have to buy a waist 44, 29.

29?

29. Wow. And everybody else, my height is 33, 34.

Right. Exactly.

Yeah. But my torso is huge.

Yeah. You got a long torso.

Long torso. Like, look, I'm standing up right now. I stand up, I get shorter. So what I say that was when the colonizers came, they're huge. They're European. They're like 6'5, 6'3. Big smiling motherfuckers, right? And then we were here, man. We were like little, man. You've seen Guatemala, man. You've seen original Mexican from Oaxaca. We're like 5'1, 5'5. We're like, whoa, he's tall. So it fucked us all up, bro. It was like mixing a Saint Bernard with a Chihuahua, man. So I got the Pitbull body, but it got some little baby Chihuahua legs, bro. I got dead pool legs. It looks funny, bro, because my shirt, I have to buy a double legs so it could go all the way down.

Right. Because your torse is so long. So long. Because you're not a double X. You just need You need the length. I just need the length, man. You need the length, bro.

I could punch people further than I could Karate chop them with a kick. My round house, I'm not going to watch this.

It's a round condo. It doesn't even matter, man. Yeah, it's a round apartment. It's not a round house.

Bro, this is what I wanted to ask you. Growing up with my friend, the red-headed guy. Yeah. He used to dye his hair black because they used to fuck with him so much.

No, not me. Well, he's Black, too. That's different.

He used to call him Red Carou after that. Like, Roc Carou.

Red Carou. Roc Carou, Hall of Famer.

So he would get mad. You were born in blood, homie. So then I met this when we were working. Because we used to work for the summer jobs. So our summer job was working with the housing authority, cleaning the projects. So we met this pervert, right? And he was like a pedophile, probably, but he was talking to him, he was nasty about, No, you got to get yourself a red-headed chick. And he started saying this bullshit-ass lie, bro. And he said, No, they're hotter because they're red-head, so it burns down there.

No, bro. You don't want it to burn.

And I was like, Dude, are you serious? You should shake that out. But that was his theory, bro, because he'd been with his wife a red-head. And it burns right after, man.

So stupid. Yeah, your boy died his hair because he was black, though. White people with red hair, if we died at her black, everybody, it was so obvious. Everybody would know. Black dudes who have red hair, it's like a lightly red. It's not really like this. It's hard to describe. It's like dark burnt orange. It's beige. Yeah. It's just like off-black, but it's not as wild as this is.

Canelo's redhead, right?

Yeah, he is. Yeah, he's a ginger. There's a lot of Mexican redheads, actually. There's more than you'd think.

Yeah, because a lot of Irish soldiers fled to Mexico during the Mexican- That's why it's in my blood.

I was like Mexican-American war. I was like Latino chics when I was young.

Yeah, man. You should do a movie about that. There's a statue in Mexico. It's called Los San Patrisos. It's called the Saint Patrick's. Because a bunch of Irish were fighting. They were coming off the boats and they were just, You want to be American? Yeah. And they gave them a little outfit. They would give them a little uniform. Go fight Mexicans. So they will sneak out to go to church, and they will go to church with the Mexicans.

Because it's all Catholic.

Yeah. And then after a while, they started seeing that, Oh, man, we left our country to fight our For Religion, Freedom. And here we are, fighting the same religion again. Right. So over a hundred of them joined the Mexican army, and they fought for Mexico against the United States. And all of them got murdered.

In the Mexican-American War?

Yeah, they all got murdered.

I'm going to make a movie about that.

Yeah, bro. It's called San Patricios, and they're all there, man. So that's why Canelo is the aftermath of that.

Yeah. That'll be like my three amigos. That'll be my San Patricios. That's a genius idea. You're in it with me. That's it. I'm writing that shit. When you get back from Dublin, we'll work on that. You go see my family. Los Patricios, bro. Los Patricios.

Hell, yeah, bro. You lean a pack, you're running shop.

No, it's me, you, and Ralph Barbosa. Hell, yeah, man. Yeah. That'll be the click. Me, you, and Barbosa. When you go down to Dublin, if you ever get to leave Dublin, go down to Kilkenny. If you get down south. Are you going to rent a car? Yeah. You'll rent a car and drive south to Kilkenny. Kilkenny is beautiful, man. Or if you really want to see a lot, you got to go to the West Coast by Shannon. And what's the other one called over there? I forget, bro. You got to go to the West Coast when you get a chance.

My wife's family is coming. They're O'Daniels.

Oh, really? Yeah. You said your white family?

My wife's family, they're O'Daniels.

O'daniels? Yeah. So your wife is mixed?

No, she's not. I'm Irish.

All Irish?

Well, she's their DNA, and they came out all white.

No shit.

Irish, European, and other stuff.

Stay white, man.

So we're going to go to the Guinness factory.

Yeah, you got to go. You're not going to have a drink, though.

They make another like a Hollywood.

The NA beers are actually really good. They're delicious, man. They're so good. All right, when you go, when you hit me, hit me when you get back, we'll make San Patricios when you get back off tour. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Felipe Esparza. He's on tour after Dublin Because this will come out after you're already over there. When you get back to the States, where are you at?

I'll be at West Niaque. In New York. The week before Christmas. There you go. Then I'm coming back in February to do the city Music Hall, I think.

In where?

In New York City. Town Hall? Town Hall. I don't know. Don't quote me on that. Go to felipeworld. Com.

Go to felipeworld. Com right now and check them out. I appreciate you, bro. It's so good to see you. Looking at that camera right there. We end the show the same way, one word or one phrase to end the episode. Do you have a word wisdom or a phrase of wisdom to impart on the people?

Party hard, man. Don't hurt nobody.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You were that creature in the ginger field. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse.

Ginger's all hell known.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like Party hard, man. Don't hurt nobody. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.