Transcript of Tom Papa The Pumpkin Spice Prince! | Whiskey Ginger

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans, welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, like my man Steve Harvey done. Say a double banger, if you will. And ladies and gentlemen, I am on tour. Come see me next week. I'm gonna be doing my little Michigander run in Grand Rapids and Detroit. And then me and the Bobo take off for Dan Anda. We go to Australia, New Zealand, and then Singapore. Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Then when I come back, I go to New Orleans, San Antonio, Chicago, Illinois in the new year, Durham, Atlanta, Charleston, Philly, New York, Phoenix, San Francisco. We added a second show. San Diego added a second show. Boston added another show, and then Minneapolis added another show. Come see about me. Go to andrew santino.com for those tickets.

Andrewsantino.com in here we pour. Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk.

You are that creature in the ginger beer. Sturdy and ginger like peppers. The ginger genius. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey, $75 for the horse gingers. Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean, once again, today, it's Tom Papa.

Yeah.

Home Free. Cheers.

Home Free.

We are home free. And that's the name of his special. Take a sip. Mmm.

Not bad.

Pretty good.

Not bad.

Home Free is the name of a special available right now. But it's not free. You do have to pay to get it. That's a big thing.

Well, kind of. Not really.

No. It's free.

That's one of those things that you pay. You don't realize that you're paying it. You know what I mean? It's not like, oh, I've got to pay now to get this. It's just like if you were to look back at your credit card bill for the last two years, you're like, oh, I pay for Netflix and Planet Fitness and this and that. They've been taking money from me for years.

I got those. I got to tell you, I have a beef with Curves because they've been charging me for years, and I have not worked out there in a very long time.

That is mean. It's hard to get out of those contracts. Well, but why would you want to get out of Netflix and right then.

Put in the Sound. But they recently changed their sound, didn't they? It was. And now it's like a bo. It's like more loud.

Is it?

Yeah. And I'm sure the guy that was tasked to do that. Yeah, it took him years to figure.

Out, oh, could you imagine the meetings of everybody listening?

It's just not there. Yeah, it's not there.

And then the head boss is like, I kind of like that one.

And then they're like, we love it. We absolutely love it. We can't stop loving it.

Right.

I feel that way with everybody in the business. I've said this before. My agents always do this game where I'll go, I don't know if I want to do. I don't know if I want to do that. And they'll go, honestly, it kind of sucks that I don't even. I don't. I don't think you should. A day later, I could call and go, maybe that could be fun. And they'll go, it could be pretty cool, actually. It's such a bullshit trick. And they get behind whatever you're already behind. So it makes you feel more balanced. You're like, yeah, yeah, maybe I. Maybe I should give it a whirl. And they're like, yeah, yeah, give it a whirl.

Do you have a manager?

I don't have. I don't have a manager. I don't have a lawyer. All I have is an agent now.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

And the manager relationship was even that.

More.

Yeah, Snaky tentacle.

Yeah, more octopi.

More octopooty.

Yeah, more octopooty. It smells like octopoody in here. Like, whatever you need. Yeah, it felt a little. It felt a little too hands on. And you strike me. Well. As much as I know you, you're a man who kind of takes. Takes the lead on everything on your own. I don't think you need to be shown. You seem to have figured everything out on your own.

Yeah, yeah, I had, you know, I had relationship at different points that seemed kind of valuable, whatever. But, yeah, I like to. I don't. You know, when you get it, if you're a young kid out there and you're looking for. Break into the biz, a manager will help you kind of create the vision and fulfill the vision. And after you're a comedian for a little bit, you're like, yeah, I kind of.

I got it.

Figure out.

I think I got it, I guess. How many years are you now?

30.

Wow. Isn't that cool? 30. 30 was this year your 30th year.

No, this is my 31st year.

Yeah. Curving over into 31. It's kind of incredible to think about that.

So incredible.

30 years.

So crazy.

And they've loved you for two.

Yeah. 98 and 99.

That was your golden years, baby.

I really.

I always say that after Y2Y2K jokes, right after that, you couldn't do those anymore. And that was. That was the beginning of the end. Cheers, baby. To Y2K. To P. Diddy. Good luck, bud.

Wow.

He's gone forever, huh?

Forever. They. You. I mean, knowing nothing. You can just feel the amount of stuff they got.

Look this up. This is crazy. Someone said that there was a lot of. They were like. Call me a conspiracy theorist. There's a lot of music industry executives resigning the past couple of weeks.

Ooh.

From Warner, Atlantic, all this stuff.

So why did. To flee?

I don't know. They were like. It seems pretty timely that there's a lot of resignations going on amidst his. Because New York was the one that subpoenaed him, right? Or I think he was in the city, right?

Yeah, because he's in Brooklyn. He's in a. He's in prison.

What do you. What did you find? You have a list. Here are all the people who stepped out within 24 hours of Diddy's arrest. Oh, how many names is it?

How many? Yeah.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 19.

Within 24 hours.

That's almost one an hour. That's not a conspiracy, by the way. Sources for all of them. Oh, and can you name the companies? Can it just say the companies that they fell out of? It doesn't say. Yeah, we're not gonna do the names, but I'll just say it says, a music executive, president of Fine Arts, a different president, general manager of something, a coach, a Bay City, a mayor. Jesus. City councilman, a dean. You don't resign.

Wow.

Unless they're gonna get. Yeah. Like, there's no.

You know, when I was. When I was first out here all those years ago, I was watching. I would be watching. Entourage was really popular.

Yeah. Huge.

And I would watch that show, and my friends would be like, is that what it's like in la? And I'm like, maybe somewhere I'm here with two babies and we're living in the Studio City, and I don't know, but it looks cool, though.

It looks rad. Yeah.

And this is. I have that same feeling now. I'm like, so these parties were happening When I was going over the hill to go to the Comedy Store, that's what was happening up there as you crest Mulholland. Yeah.

An entire lube party was happening feet away from you, and you had no idea. I think it is. It is. It is one of those things where people have asked, you know, like, you guys must know the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The inside.

Yeah.

And you're like, I'm sure it does exist, but this validating it is even crazier. You're like, wow. I guess it is. I guess it.

Because even does exist.

Even when you say it's true, you're like, yeah, maybe even still in the back of your mind, you're like, not really.

I like seeing the little clips of all the hints that people were dropping. Eminem.

Oh, Eminem's was wild.

His wild cat. Cat had.

Oh, Cat Williams.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He.

He's all over it.

All over it.

Yeah, he's all over it.

And yeah. Just seeing, like, it's like when it happened in comedy and then it was like, oh, the community knew about it for years, but now the world knows.

Now the world knows.

It seems like this is one of those, like, oh, everybody knew about. They were rapping about it. We were probably singing along to it. Had no idea.

That white party. That white party.

Yeah.

We had no fucking clue. It is pretty amazing to think that all this, like, fall from grace from other industries is what's. Or other parts of the industry is weird, right? Like, the resignation thing, that kind of. That kind of blew my mind. It was like, wow, that many people are in cahoots with him or protecting him or whatever you want to call him. Money. It's all money.

It's money. It's a big, giant buffet. He has a giant buffet and a lot of people eat at it.

Yuck. And, yeah, give it all away. Give it all away, which is what you've been doing. And every single dollar that Tom's making on home Free, he has told me he is donating. So please email, gimme money, tom, mail.com. say why you deserve his Netflix money, and we'll see if it gets your way.

Yeah, I hope. I'm just trying to help.

Do you do charity? Be honest. Yes, you do. Do you do it or you just donate?

I just donate.

Me too.

And it's very upsetting.

But money is good, too. To give away.

Here's a. Here's. Here's something I've been thinking lately. I have been thinking more about it.

Yeah.

I think it's an age thing. And my kids are. My kids are gone, you know, they've moved out. And so I still. But I'm still a dad. I still have that fatherly instinct, you know, and the dogs are not grateful. So I don't get the. I don't get the return.

No. You don't get a face lick every once in a while?

Yeah, I do. And they lay on top of me. But they're also so needy and, you know, it just doesn't pay. But I was thinking, I was actually doing a bit about it last week at the Cellar that I just don't know where to start. And it's like the people who really need you more than anything. I was. The joke was, what, do I just go to the worst part of la? Do I just roll up into the worst part of la? Hello, everyone.

Here I am.

It's me, Tom. I've come from the good part of town. How can I help? Ow. Why am I blee. I do feel that way. Where do you start? I want. I don't. You know, you can write checks and help nonprofits, but there's the thing of. And it's difficult with our schedule, too. You know, like, I want to do. I want to be, like, more personally involved. And I always really thought I would be good at helping out at the Special Olympics, like, that whole scene. And I really, you know, I love those people. And I just. Watching after being a parent and seeing how much work it is and like that, these families, it's even more work, and it's always on Saturdays and stuff, and I can't.

That's when we work and we work and it's. Well, we've got. We've got a connection if you need it.

You do.

Well, I pointed over there at McCon. I didn't mean that as saying he's. He's special. I mean, he's. His mother and father both worked for Special Olympics. My mom is a special ed teacher, but my dad works for Special Olympics of Minneapolis. So when Bobby and I did Family Feud, our winnings were donated to Special Olympics. That was what we played for. For the sake of his family. So, that being said, now we've got you cornered. Now you don't have a choice. You have to do something. We're going to put you to the fire.

Yeah, and. But it's still kind of. You're doing your thing and giving the money.

No, but you can go donate your time at the Special Olympics. They need physical bodies there, don't they? Yeah. So you heard it here. America, if you do not see Tom Papa at the next Special Olympics, donating his time, you can shun him for life and shame him in public. Sound good?

I do feel like bringing laugh to the world is important, too. I mean, you know, those people were sad before they came to the show.

That's right, they were. That is true. Now, when you go to the. When you went. We're just in New York. Back in New York. Did you go to our.

I think about you every time.

We. Our favorite little spot. We're not going to tell anybody. Maybe we have. We talked.

No, let's not.

We didn't tell anybody. We have a favorite.

I wrote about it in my. But I didn't put your name in it.

Oh, thank you. That would have been nice to have my name. No, that's okay.

I know I'd like to be immortalized. I'm trying to protect that place.

Well, we have a place in New York that we both very much love. And it is interesting. I cannot go to even the neighborhood without thinking of you and sending you a text. Usually.

Yeah.

Or someone will mention it to me. This is even crazier. I think I sent you a text last time. Was with a mutual friend that mentioned it to me. And he was like, oh, yeah, I love it over there. I go, Tom Papa and I. That's like our little. Little hideaway spot.

Yeah.

And he was like, I love Tom Papa. I was like, I better not catch you there, seeing if he's there. I was like, I better not see you snooping around just to see if you can talk to him.

I'd love it.

But I.

The one problem with that place.

Yeah. Well, there's two. Two or three.

But yeah, the main. My main problem, and I wrote about it in the book. That's why I wrote about it, was they put a jukebox in it.

Yeah.

This obnoxious jukebox putting horrible music.

Yeah.

So you gotta try. I have to. I've done two things. It's all. It's like a wall unit. It didn't need it. It's this classic New York music. It's a place for conversation. It was perfect.

Yeah, it was.

No one was saying, where's the loud music? Nobody was asking for that. All right, so I do two things. And these are very old man thingies. One time I unplugged it. It's a wall unit and there's a plug right there that's so great. You can unplug it if you wait till the songs transfer.

So it's not in the middle and no one notices. Nobody cares.

I spent the last next hour. The other thing is just put in your card and take it over.

Yeah.

And just go, Sinatra, Tom Waits, whatever.

There you go.

Jazz. Like something quiet.

Low key. Right.

This is. This is a place for conversation, to meet people in the neighborhood.

Yeah. The culture of the room. And people know this regardless of them knowing what we're talking about, but everyone listening, they've got the place where they like to go to with friends or alone. And the vibe of it is very comforting and quiet. It's very blankety, where you're like, it's nice. It's cozy. Cozy.

Community.

Community. So when you start to interject the new age stuff, it loses. It just loses what it was. It's weird when they start doing that. You're like, you don't need that. How much money could you possibly be making from that jukebox? 50 bucks a month, 100 bucks a month? I don't know how many people are playing that much music on there.

It's brutal. It really is brutal.

I don't like that. I don't like the touch tune. That's what they are. Touch tunes. Isn't that what they're called?

I heard a study years ago at the Ear at the dawn of the. Just pounding out of every club. And the study was that the louder the music is, the more isolated the customer feels. The more insecure the customer feels because they can't talk, the more they drink.

Oh, wow. Right?

So the louder the music, the more you drink because you are trying to fit in and you're feeling uncomfortable. Uncomfortable.

Wow, that's an interesting study. I mean, it makes perfect sense. Whenever I'm out somewhere that's too noisy, I already have a hard time in those situations. I don't love. I never liked nightclubs. I just didn't love the culture. I love to go dancing. Like if my wife or like friends were like, let's go get drunk and dance. Love that. Yeah, but like just a culture of a loud nightclub bar. A nightclub bar.

Yeah.

No, I can't hear you. I look stupid.

Even in college, right? Like, even when you were young.

Yeah, I hated that. I like dive bars. My whole life, I've always liked dive bars. I've been a sucker for a shitty bar.

Shitty bar with a. With a ripped up pool table. I always said that my favorite places are places that you go into and you think, oh, this should have been closed down 20 years ago.

Right, Right. We were at a place like that in San Francisco, we were in the basement and the guy was like, you gotta check it out. There's a guy that lives here. I was like, what? He lives in the basement? Oh, yeah, 100%. I thought they were full of shit. I go down there, there's a stove, a fridge, his clothes drying. I was like, okay, great.

Yeah, perfect.

Should be closed down, but by the sake of the community, you can't. Yeah, it's kept alive. The fabric of the place is kept alive by it almost falling apart.

Yeah.

And once you start to put in touch tunes and all this other stuff, it goes to shit.

It goes to shit.

And by the way, have a bad soup on the menu. You gotta have a bad soup on the menu. You got to have a soup on the menu that no one's eating. And it's fun to have. It's fun to have a split pea on there. No one's ordering it. Just throw it up there. Just because I do love to see that when a place has a shitty soup on the menu, I'm like, this is going to be good.

You ever do the drive from here up north?

Oh, yeah. Where?

Like all the way and stop at Split P. Anderson's in.

In Solvang or whatever it's called. Yeah.

There's two locations.

Right, right, right. The other one, I've only been to the Solvang area one.

Right?

Yes.

Yeah. And it's got a big windmill out front. Yeah. And their big thing is split split pea soup.

No one's eating it.

I mean, that's what they use for. To make throw up in films.

Oh, is that really?

I think in the Exorcist it was split pea soup. It was like, that's what they eat.

That did.

That looks like.

Right?

It looks like vomit.

Yeah, it does. It just has. No. Well, also, I said this today, this morning to a friend. I said I'm not a big fan of like seasonal flavors. I think the flavor should last through the seasons. That's why I can't catch pumpkin. I've just never caught pumpkin. It's never bit me. Because pumpkin pie, pie, to me, I've just never gotten down with squash pie. I don't understand. I don't get it.

Yeah.

And to me, pumpkin is only seasonal because people will. People will realize if we kept it year round that it's not good. I think it's a good trick. I think it's a holiday trick.

I just had this discussion this morning as well.

Did you really?

Yeah, and on my radio show.

But you like Pumpkin.

I do like pumpkin.

I can feel it in your bones, the way you looked at me.

I'm like, there's a reason it's popular. There's a reason they're putting it in everything for last year.

But it's only a limited time.

So is Christmas.

Yeah, but that's. That's Jesus fault. We would keep doing. No, here's the thing. I think Pumpkin has tricked us in the same way that we talked about this this morning, too. The recorder, remember from. Yeah, absolutely useless. We all had to play it for no reason. It had no practical use. Cursive was just as useless as the recorder. And they pounded into. I said, what salesman was so good at Yamah. That was like, every one of these kids is going to play recorder. It was awesome.

I bet there's some. I bet there's some great musician out there who started on the recorder.

Who's the best recorder musician of all time? I was gonna say there's a lot of famous songs that feature a recorder. Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones. The fool on the Hill by the Beatles.

Stairway to Heaven.

Stairway to Heaven has a recorder in it.

Opening. Yeah, but they. You have to play it backwards.

Yeah, that opening is not a Satan. That's a recorder that sounds like a flute.

But. But I'm saying it's a gateway drug to Then the guitar or.

But see, I rather. I get that. But for me, it was such a. A wind instrument is such a. I have such. Such a lack of interest. Strings should have been it. They should have gone. You want to try a violin or a guitar?

Yeah.

These are the two kind of people that you're really going to capture. You want to try a violin or you want to try a guitar?

Tough to put a violin in a tube sock.

Really hard, right? Really hard.

That was your carrying case.

I know.

A little tube sock.

It's so funny because you lost that. The thing that came in, you lost that within a day or two. No one found those. They were gone.

It's funny to think about it now is that the teachers, like, it didn't last. Like, he did it for like a year maybe. And like, no teacher was like, we need more of this.

Right, right, right.

They were like, whoa, I got. I got recorded this year.

Oh, shit. No shit.

Really?

Aren't we canceling that next year? It's like, we keep pushing. We keep pushing and they won't do it.

That guy. Someone's getting paid from Yamaha.

But see, somebody that's. Let's go back. Somebody with the pumpkin has Tricked us to being like. It should be a seasonal drink because when you take it away, people pine for it. Take a pumpkin all year round.

You know, I'm not a farmer, but I do know some.

Yeah.

And if you're in the Northeast, the pumpkins do have a season. Sure, they're coming from the ground in.

The fall, but we have enough things that do have seasons that we get them out of season anyway.

I know that's la. And that's. And that's.

We overgrow. We chemically grow. Yeah.

This is it. Looks like a tomato. Why does it taste like nothing? That's really weird.

Tastes like a dog toy.

I do. I'm a sucker for holidays and season changings.

See, I do like this. I am a sucker for the holidays. I believe it's so important to get the family that thing I like. But you're not going to trick me with spicy drink. You're not going to trick me with a spicy drink.

It's become.

Would you ever have eggnog outside of December?

Never.

Precisely. Eggnog. And whenever it comes rolling around, you have a sip.

Do you ever hear of a Tom and Jerry?

What's Tom and Jerry?

It's an eggnog adjacent drink in Chicago.

Tom and Jerry.

I had it at. Oh, there's a bar.

Is it eggnog and liqueur?

It's like eggnog and what's in the Tom Jerry drink? Not.

It's not. Is it. Is it something from your feet?

The Tom and Jerry.

It's eggs or egg whites, powdered sugar, brandy and rum. Brandy.

You're adding brandy to an eggnog?

Essentially.

Only comes around during the holidays.

Tom and Jerry.

Yeah, the Tom and Jerry. And you know, you're not going to drink that all the time. I'm just thinking of David. I forget what the joke was, but the punch was basically about eggnog. Elf come.

Elf come. That's right. Elf come. You can't have elf come all the time. Well, I get that. Yeah. But also, I just think it fits in the category of this is a fool's game. I'm going to.

You like turkey?

Absolutely.

Not like a big turkey?

No. This is the thing. My family now for Thanksgiving, we cook a roast, right? Yeah, we have. We have meat. Turkey is not for me. I've deep fried it.

Mm.

You know, my. My wife's uncle had a deep fried. I've had that a couple times. I still go, okay. Yeah, it's okay.

I have a quandary. This Thanksgiving, I've hosted The last, I don't know, 12 years, maybe longer. And my kids are back east, and one wants to come home, one wants to stay. And I'm like, do I give up hosting and go to someone else's shitty Thanksgiving?

You plant your flag. You make them come here.

Make them come here.

100%. What are we talking about? You're papa.

Yeah, I hope. Literally, I don't want to just be at someone else's Thanksgiving, like, talking to some strange.

But also, you're a. You're a true host.

Yeah.

You're a bread making. You are a. You're. You're kind of the voice of the rhythm of the night. You have to host.

All right.

You can't go to some other dickhead's house. That's gonna ruin it.

Thank you.

He's gonna make you take off your shoes. You're gonna have weird socks on. You're gonna feel uncomfortable.

Yep. Here's. Here's. Not to be too crude, but say I stay over and this is like family, but, you know, it's my sister's probably or something.

Sure.

You Thanksgiving, you're eating, drinking. Where you. What am I going to.

Where are you going?

Drop it in the. In the guest bathroom, in the hallway bathroom.

Oh, my God. In the bathroom.

I mean, where do you go? You're like a caged animal.

No basement.

No basement.

This basement is always my refuge whenever I'm somewhere back in the Midwest.

Yeah.

And I need to peel one. Basement it is. Basement is a saving grace. I mean, it literally solves all your problems. You need to make a call. Go to the basement. When you're young, you want to hook up with a girl, you go to the basement.

It's true.

If you want to drop a grumper. If you're a little too stoned, you come home and your mom might find out, you go to the basement.

You know that you're just. You're actually shining a light on the problem with this whole Los Angeles experiment. No basements. There's no basements.

It's funny. When we were moving into our new place, we saw one house with a basement in Sherman Oaks. And I was like, this has it. She was like, yeah, and it's got a. It's got a basement level room area.

And I was like, she had no clue.

I went down. I was like, this is it. This is it. And my wife was like, this is definitely. We don't like this house at all. I was like, but it has a fucking basement.

We can make out down here.

We can make out here.

We can bean back chairs and we can make out down here and no one's going to catch us.

That was my. It was my favorite place. It was. It was a place of safety.

Yeah.

If I came home late and I was too drunk or a little too stoned.

Yeah.

And I didn't want to wake my parents up, I could sneak down to the basement. I could have something to eat and drink.

Outdoor doors. Or go through the house.

You could go through the house, but they wouldn't. They would never be able to. They would know I maybe came home. But my dad's definitely not walking down stairs. No. Too much. What's going. What is he home?

At least he's here.

He's down there. I saw this. He's down there. Yeah. He's alive. He's. He might be bleeding out of the basement, but he's down there. We'll find him in the morning. That was my. That really was. That was my place of safety net and la. I've said this before, when your kids are in high school, if they bring a boyfriend or girlfriend over.

Yeah.

Where do they hang? Living room or their room?

They would go to their room.

See, my dad would never let us go to our room.

Yeah.

And door has to be open anyway.

I would say door open, but you know, you kind of. You kind of declare these rules and don't follow up.

Right. You let it. You let it just live. Yeah.

It's like, you know, there's ways around it.

Right. Of course.

As long as they know. As long as they know that they're crossing the line, they'll be a little sneakier or. Yeah, it wouldn't have. At least I know dad says this is too far.

Right.

We're bringing everything.

Right. Yeah, that was the. That was my thing. My dad was like, girls in the room. He was like, I your mother's here.

He was. Was he strict?

Yeah. Like, it was interesting as now, as I've gotten older, the world has cracked open and now it's a different time, you know, with him and I. But like when I was younger. Yeah. But I was also a. I was a shithead. I was a troublemaking mediocre at school at best, you know, always trying to find trouble.

Yeah.

So I deserved all the strictness because I was a fuck up.

Sure.

Right.

And his strictness, like it carried weight.

Oh, yeah, he was. Yeah.

Yeah. My dad too. My dad was very strict. Yeah.

It was bad news.

And like when I think of my fathering my children and my declarations, you know, it was suggestions to my children. Like when my father said something like, no door. You're not having a girl in there with a door closed. You were like, yeah, no, I won't.

Yeah. That's insane. I would never do that.

I won't. Because I will. You'll kill me.

I don't want to get beat in front of this girl.

It's crazy.

I don't want to get struck in front of a woman I like.

And you have to really. You have to really get to a place for your kids to feel that fear. Like, you have to ratchet it up. I mean, my kids say that they. My younger says that I was scary at times as a dad and it wasn't. Which I'm just trying to. It means you don't have to really ratchet it up. Just being a dad carries a lot of weight.

Sure.

But nothing my kids have. No. Like, my kids at one in the morning would be slamming doors and laughing with their friends as I'm trying to sleep. Like, I was a ninja walking around that house because I didn't want that man to wake up and destroy me. I mean, like, doors. I would shut doors. Like, I would get the knob.

Do I know how to do that?

Close it and then let it latch. You know what I mean?

The trick of so you can. What you do is you push the door. And using your own body weight, you're pulling at the same time. Because this will enact this slow close. Do I know that? All too well sometimes. And this is pre cell phone. So if I was going to the bathroom and I know the light in the bathroom would turn, they would see it enough.

Yeah.

I'd pee in the dark. I'd sit down and pee in the dark because I'm not going to turn on a light and piss him off. What are you doing? And it's like, fuck. If it's. If I got a. What are you doing? What? If I got a. What are you doing? I knew he was pissed off because if we were like, you know, stoned and my sister is open, we're opening up a cabinet or a drawer and something slams too hard.

Yeah.

And then we will turn at each other like, what are you doing? Oh, my God. He's so. He's livid. He's going to kill us.

But it created. I got so good at all of it.

Yeah.

Like, my skills of being a ninja around the house and not waking them. Once I had a girlfriend and I had a car I could scale out of my door, out of My window of my bedroom. Onto the garage roof. Slide down to the deck.

What?

Push the car into the street. My little Corolla. Toyota Corolla. And go to her house.

Holy shit.

And climb in her window, have fun. And then come back and climb back in. And back into my bed.

Jesus.

Never got caught.

This is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. You were living in a John Hughes movie.

Yeah, I really was.

You'd throw the car in neutral and then do the rollout.

I would. When I.

Or was it.

Was it when I would come home for. When I would come home for curfew? Always on time. I would park in the top of the driveway and. And then when I would come out, I would put a piece of wood underneath. Let the thing put in neutral.

Yeah.

Push it into the. I could still. All you would hear. And then I would. We had a little like, street down to the main street. So you would just have to get down that hill. So I would jump in and just let it. I could hear the.

Like the tires, the weight of the tires on gravel. Oh, my God.

And then when I got to the bottom, turn it on and go over.

That's incredible.

It was so great.

You never got caught.

Never got caught. Wow. And they really. They hate hearing it to this day. They can't believe I. One time I ran out of gas on the way home.

Oh.

At three in the morning. And I had to. I had a hose. Like, I had a little kit in the back. And I just took from some guy's gas tank. Just a hose enough.

A siphon.

Like a siphon.

Wow.

And I would get enough from his gas tank, run over, put it into mine. And I did it like eight times and put a little in the carburetor and got home and I climbed into bed smelling like gasoline. But I was so proud of myself. Yeah.

Yeah.

That I didn't get caught.

Your dad's like, what were you doing last night? You were hooking up with a girl. It's like I was changing radiator fluid. I was down at the shop with the boys.

In here we pour, whisk, whisk.

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Now, did you have, did you, did.

You and your high school friends have like a shitty hangout spot that you could go late night or after hours or. Where was like your, where was your get together spot?

Yeah, it was, it was always at someone's house. Always at someone's house. My friend Barbara's house, she had the great basement.

Yeah.

Like, that was the place. And her parents weren't really paying attention.

I love that family, that they were the best. I love that they were. So mom comes out smoking a cigarette. What are you guys doing? What's going on? Yeah, don't worry about it.

Yeah. By the time, like she was a teenager, they'd been through it. They're like, whatever. So we would always go hang there. I mean, the meet. The meeting place. Because we had no phones.

Right.

You would drive to the Dairy Queen. It was one of those outdoor Dairy Queens with the big parking lot around the.

Yeah.

Thing under the neon light. And that's where you would go check in. And you'd come up and oh, they're going to lose house. Oh, okay. Where's Brian? Oh, we're going to meet. And that was our little.

That was your meeting house.

Yeah. And then you branch off and go. Yeah.

We had a. We had. Me and a couple of real high class dudes would go smoke pot. My buddy worked at a. At a. I don't know if it was an ARCO at the time, but it was a gas station. But we would go get high in the garage because it was also a mechanics garage. But the garage was separate of where he. His little work hub and the gas station to get a lot of business. So we would just sit in the garage, get high on a tire.

Yeah.

And sit and talk all night. And no one would bug us because the guy that owned the place never would come by it. Never. I didn't know who owned it. I like, he and our, you know, our high school buddy worked there and we would steal drinks out of the, out of the freezer.

And that was mostly cash.

It was all cash.

All cash.

All cash back then.

I remember my buddy working there. And we would like pull and get gas. He would give us gas and money.

We did the same scam when I worked at McDonald's. We used to. I mean, we ended up all getting fired because we all stole. But what we would do is friends would come up. We would charge them for the Smallest thing we could do, you know, an apple pie.

Yeah.

And all we would do is go to one of the guys in the kitchen and be like, hey, it's a double order of cheeseburgers that they didn't get. And so we would just get as much as we could. And they caught on so fast, no one cared.

Yeah.

But so my friends would leave with, like, you know, $20 worth of McDonald's, which is. Which is so much food.

Yeah.

But we do that all the time. And the fact that, like, we didn't get reprimanded for, like, almost a year is mind blowing to me.

Just these crazy kids just.

Just trying to scam. Just trying to scam.

Having fun.

You just want to scam, but you're hurting nobody.

But we had no money. Yeah.

We had nothing.

We had no money.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know how my kid. I have one in college now and like, they order Postmates and they, like, Uber.

I mean, delivery all day, every day.

Yeah. And there's a Starbucks on campus and a Jimmy John's.

And whose money is that they're using?

Mine. That's right, Mine. And I can't keep track of it. Like, I can't. I've tried to take her off my phone.

Impossible.

It's impossible. She has. She has a way. She has a way of taking it without me even, like, seeing it.

Right.

Like, it never records anywhere.

No. She's never pinged.

Like, I've had to change my credit card because of my daughter. For real. And I remember being in college and like, five get five friends.

Yeah.

To put all the money they had in a pot for one pizza.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. We used to go to Del Taco because Tuesday was Taco Tuesdays.

Yeah.

And it was 25 cents tacos.

Yeah.

And this is so stupid. Our entire floor, we would go to Taco Tuesdays. And the competition was, how many tacos can you eat? And whoever eats the most gets this pool of money for next week or whatever. And this kid Steve, I think, at one point ate 24 tacos. 23 or 24 tacos. And it was. I mean, not only was it a record, he was also like, well, I'm good. I don't need to eat for three days. Which was also the goal. Could I keep this in my stump? Could I have Del Taco in me for three days?

Yeah.

And genuinely there'd be like a day later and be like, do we go get food? He's like, I'm still full from Taco Tuesday. It's Friday, but I'm good.

Isn't it funny to think back at those things, like, now where you are as a grown up and like, what you need to be comfortable?

Yeah.

It's like in the beginning of Stand up, like, I would get a bacon egg. The comic strip would pay me $8 to do a late night spot, and that was enough to get a bacon egg and cheese at the bagel shop up the street. And like you said, like, you could keep that and divvy it up.

Sure.

You'd have it in the morning and then you'd have it at night and then.

Yeah.

And like the thought of that now. And I was happy as just the.

Happiest client, probably the happiest you've ever been. So happy.

So happy. Making $8 a night that I needed. Like, if you told me I had to live off $8 a night, and I'd be like, so what else is in the bank? Nothing. Well, how many credit cards you have no credit cards. So $8 a night. Okay. I would. I would just lie down on the. On the ground and die. Right.

It is. It's incredible. We've somehow found the best. I used to go the two for one, two for one cheeseburgers at Burger King was my. That was my meal. Two for a dollar was like, that's how I cruised by the first half of my career, because I couldn't afford anything else. And I thought, burgers will last me two for a dollar. But that would last me. I mean, that would genuinely get me because I would usually try to sneak a breakfast somehow, get out something. Lunch. I almost never ate. Lunch was.

Yeah.

Not even a real thing. That's not.

You didn't even consider it. Well, didn't need it.

I had a day job working for a movie studio, and they would have snacks. So sometimes I could get, like, they'd get deli meat sometimes. And I used to beg the guy to get. I was like, what if we order more honey turkey? You know what I mean? Who's coming in this week? What director is gonna come in this week?

I hear he loves turkey.

He loves honey turkey. He also loves these kind of. These chips. Very specific. It's sour cream and cheddar. But I used to be the pa, so I had to help organize. So I would always try to nudge the dude in the mail room who got the orders to be like, dude, let's try to get some. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

For us.

But I took.

I took home food.

Yeah.

Pretty Much every day from there and any facet that I could take home, whatever it was, whether they got like grapes or something.

Yeah.

Like, you know, the executives be like, who's eating this shit? I'm like, yeah, who's eating all this crap?

I throw it out.

I'll throw it out. I'll throw it out. Go out to my car now.

Do you ever think about when you're an old person and you're done with all this and maybe you do like one or two, like guest roles in tv, but no one really wants to hear you talk on a stage anymore? And can you go back to living that simple life again when you're old? Do you think about that?

I think so. Yeah, I think so. My grandparents kind of. Well, I mean, you know, they're also like war, war people. So wartime. My grandmother was like, saved everything to a degree. It was hysterical. My grandmother never had a bottle of pop or coke, whatever, that wasn't flat. They were all flat. Yeah, they were. Every single one was flat. And sometimes I think she tried to pretend that she'd get like my grandfather to like tie it as tight as it could so it seemed like we were cracking the. Seemed like we were cracking the seal, you know, like sometimes we'd be like, God damn, this is so tight. Because I could tell my grandfather probably was trying to like, as if it would reenact some sort of compression to make it go again. But they saved like they were penny pictures, like crazy. And then, you know, at the end of their life when they had enough money, you know, in the bank account just for them to, you know, they were never. My grandfather was a firefighter.

Yeah.

And they had 10 kids, so it's not like they ever had a right. But he did well enough that in the latter years they were good. And she still lived as tight as she'd ever lived. Yeah, he probably tighter if anything.

Yeah.

And I think, I think about that and I go, well, I bet we could. I bet we could. I mean, the time will change so much. You won't need bullshit. I mean, don't you stop. You probably don't have a lot of bullshit anyway now. Or are you filled with knick knacks?

What do you mean, knick knacks?

Like, do you buy a lot of bullshit? Do you buy shit? Do you buy stuff? Toys and electronics and knickknacks?

You know, I always think like, there's been in la, there's so many house break ins, you know, like you hear like, it's just like this it's like.

A racket now, but it's a common thing.

Yeah. And I always think how disappointed they would be if they got into our house. Like, we have a decent house, but there's nothing in it. We don't buy. Bullshit. We don't buy, like, fancy electronics or jewelry or, like, paintings or, like, I. Like, I don't understand any.

What would it. Yeah, I think about that. What would they steal from me? I think about that. We have a safe that has importance in it, like birth certificates and passports and.

Right.

Families. Heirloom stuff. Like, we've given. Like, if it's jewelry from her grandmother or something, we have that shit in there. More sentimental than work then.

Yeah. But if you don't get to the safe and you're just wandering around the house, it's like, steal a tv. They're gonna be so pissed. They're gonna. The bad part, in my mind of when this goes down, they're gonna take a shit in the hallway because they're gonna be so pissed off that they got nothing. They're gonna be like, f this guy.

Yeah, screw this guy down. His. In the hallway with the hallway boys. Never forget, Officer, they wrote their name in feces in my home. Oh, the hallway boys. Yeah, we know. I think about that because a friend of ours just got broken into. But the. But the joke is it's all inside jobs.

Oh, really?

Yeah. They say the high majorities are someone that's come to work on your house or, you know, you hire someone to come work on your house for miscellaneous nonsense.

Yeah.

And it's not usually them, but it's someone they know that goes, you know what this guy's got?

I thought it was that. Because they know that they're. If it's under a certain dollar amount and there's nothing violent, that they get released that night.

Well, they will. That is probably also true, but usually because they know where to steal.

Right.

Because our friends just got robbed a couple months ago.

Mm.

And they scaled the back wall. Back patio wall.

Yeah.

And. Well, yeah, they had to scale, offense, even get in, which is even more impressive because it's surrounded by. How. I mean, I don't know how they did that, but they scaled their back patio wall, which leads to their bedroom, has a patio off of it. And. And they broke into the small window in the bedroom, went right to one location and stole all the shit that they needed and got out within 10 minutes. This is how fast it was. They left their house to go to dinner. And before they even got to the restaurant. The cops were called to the home.

Whoa.

So they were watching, and that's got to be it. Someone was cueing them in 10 minutes. Yeah, 10, 15 minutes. They waited for them to leave because they saw them all get in the car. So they obviously knew that it was only so many people living in that home.

Right.

You know?

Yeah, yeah.

The one thing they said they were happy about was that they didn't hurt the dog, because sometimes if the dog's aggressive, they could hurt a dog because they're scared, but they didn't hurt the dog, which I think was huge for my buddy and his wife because she was panicking. The dog is also old. And it's like, how did they feel.

About the shit in the hallway?

Well, they don't know who to blame.

Honestly, the dog was so nervous.

Yeah, that could be the dog at some point. That could be. Honestly, anybody. At some point.

My pug just got sprayed by a skunk.

Oh, my God.

Which is not a. It's not a good breed.

Where was that?

Get sprayed by a skunk. There's so many fat folds everywhere.

What's the protocol? Is it oatmeal?

No, it's hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and dish soap.

No shit.

All mixed together. What was the effect of.

Is that a real thing?

That was chicken pox.

Oh, right.

Oatmeal was chicken pie.

I had to sit in a tub of oatmeal.

It used to be for skunk. It was tomato juice.

Oof. It does say old school remedies include tomato juice or oatmeal or oatmeal, but they're not helpful.

Yeah, yeah. Neither. Neither is my concoction. Either is. Four times, and he still smells a little like a skunk.

Well, how. Where did it happen?

In our backyard, under the deck. Like, it went this deck in the back? Yeah, it went back there. The pug went back there acting like a tough guy, barking like crazy, and this skunk hit him with some, like, gallons of ass juice. Just gallons. Like, it was freaked out to the. Like, the yard still smells really There.

Wow.

Like a week and a half.

Was the. Was your dog chasing to get him or he was just okay.

I think he thought, you know, he's a pug. He didn't even know, you know, one eyes that way, one eyes this way.

They are wanderers.

They really.

I do love to see him.

And then we. My wife took him in, you know, gave him a quick bath, went back outside to dry him off. He went right back to the skunk area and Was like, nothing. Like, you didn't. You didn't realize.

Well, he went back out there for round two.

Yeah. He wants to get. Make the other eye foggy.

He's a fighter.

He's a fighter.

Did he have to go to the vet? You didn't have to take him to the vet. He wasn't like, didn't get infected or anything. I've heard these stories where people's dogs get sprayed and it gets infected in their glands, so they have to go and flush them out and everything. Or like, my dog is. My dog loves to flirt with bees. That's like her favorite thing in the world. I don't know why, but we'll have a little. We had a little bee. We had. We had like a. Something in the yard.

Yeah.

And there was like a bunch of bees over by this old fence. And I don't know what was what had been leaking that, like, made them so curious. But there's a ton of bees. My dog went right over to it and I tried to go grab her and then she came back, you know, smile, stupid face. A bee, like, in her fur face because she's. She's just shaggy.

Yeah.

And I had to grab it and swat it out of there. But then she's still happy as she has no idea, you know, that was fun.

Yeah.

I want to do that again.

You want to hear a scary B story?

I do.

And it's really a public service announcement.

Okay.

My producer of my radio show, her mom in Georgia goes outside and be stings her. And before she knows it, thousands of bees. These bees have nests in the ground. Three giant. We find out later. Three giant nests underground. Speed gets her. She swats it. The bees just come out of these nests. What thousands of bees start stinging the 78 year old woman. Just a swarm of stinging everywhere. She passes out in the attack and falls on the ground. The Apple watch sees that you've fallen. It asks, do you want us to call 91 1? If you don't say no, they call 91 1. Whoa. So the emergency vehicles came in 10 minutes, found her passed out, being stung repeatedly by thousands of bees and saved her life. Because of the apple watch. They so many bees, when they got to the hospital, like took the ride, serviced her, took her in the hospital. They were scooping bees out of her mouth with their hands.

Oh, my God.

Saved her life. This is two Apple watch.

Apple watch. And don't move to Georgia. Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I've never heard of something so violent in my life.

Is that so insane.

So they live.

It's good now underground.

They're living below the ground.

They make their whole nest underground.

And this is. What kind of bee am I. Is this just.

This can't be just. It's a. Not a honey. A yellow jacket.

Yellow jackets. Yellow jacket.

They can sting repeatedly.

They don't lose their stinger.

The bee. The honeybee. Yeah. They die, right? They lose their stinger and die. The yellow jackets can just keep doing it. And they release a pheromone that says, we're under attack. And that's why all the other bees come out.

Oh, my God.

I know. I told my wife. I'm like, I'm gonna get you an apple watch. She's like, I'm not that old. I don't need an apple watch.

No, but you are. But you are defenseless against bees.

I was like, how about you upgrade my apple watch on my birthday? Because I feel like I'm on the edge of a fall any second.

All day long, walking in here. I grabbed your arm. I go, tom, will you turn on ac? No. You know what's so funny is I've had two moments of seeing people get attacked that are allergic to bees. And the panic. Surrounded that is like nothing I've ever seen before. Because when I was a kid. Well, it's some. For some reason, people that are allergic to bees. I don't know why or how, but bees like them. They love them. They can't wait to sting those people.

Yeah, My sister's that way.

Like, they just. They. They. Like. Some you emanate something of maybe fear or, you know, like. But whatever it is. Twice during childhood, we were at, like, a family party at a park, and a kid got stung by a bee. And the panic was like nothing I'd ever seen. As if someone had a heart attack and was ready to die. Freaking out. Cause he's convulsing on the ground. And I was like, I didn't even know bees were out. I was like, where are the bees? How did the bee find this kid?

I got stung as a kid on my foot. And my father. I always remember him taking the beer bottle. He was just sitting in a chair and took a beer bottle and just knocked it off my foot, but it had stung me. And I'm crying and 5 years old, and they put me in the bathroom with my foot in the sink. I'm sitting on the counter, and my father said, you'll be all right. Okay. I'm just sitting in there. And he left. And he came back like 10 minutes later. And his eyes popped out of his head and went, holy shit. And he grabbed me and took me to the hospital. I was just sitting in there blowing up, having allergic rehab.

Oh, wow.

He came in and saw my head and your throat starts to close up and I'm just like, where are we going, dad? And he took me to the hospital and I was having an allergic reaction.

So you are allergic.

I grew out of it.

Oh, you're right, it does.

I got done like as a teenager and no problem.

Well, it's like your immunity now, right? Yeah. That's the vaccine is to get. To get stung, right? Yeah, yeah. You don't have to carry around an EpiPen. Yeah, funny, because I'm allergic to epinephrine, which is a component of that. So I guess I'm dead if I'm allergic to everything. The dentist. Yeah, one time I went to the dentist and anovocaine or a local anesthesia had epinephrine in it and boy, was a reaction very poor.

Like what?

Well, I had like extremely rapid heart rate. My temperature, like, spiked to the roof and I started sweating. And then my entire. The area in which they used, by the way, this as a kid. I feel like I had epinephrine and stuff and it didn't affect me. And my entire jaw, like this whole side of my face started to like swell up and then get really numb. My eye was closing. It's fucking crazy, but it put me into full panic mode. Like, he's also didn't help. I was already. My heart was already rapid.

Yeah.

So then the panic of like, oh, my God, am I going to be paralyzed? Like, what's going to happen?

Oh, my God.

I couldn't feel like all the way up through my temple.

Oof.

So now I have to get local anesthesia. That is, they have, you know.

Yeah.

Non epinephrine free or whatever.

I had a sneak attack at my dentist yesterday where I had this tooth that was being replaced. It's so boring. But I just went in there thinking he was just going to look at it. And before I knew it, shots are being taken out and they went to work on me. And like they're, you know, it's bad when they're giving you like a giant Motrin before your thing. Like, take this. Well, I thought we were just going to. I thought I was leaving in 15 minutes.

Yeah.

I got stitches in my face.

What, did you have a tooth pulled?

Yeah, I had a root canal that. The root. I didn't know you get a root canal and the root is just now in your head. Yeah. And it gets brittle and even through the cap, like it cracked. So they had to extract it and put a new phony thing in. And yesterday they were just cranking in like a screw.

Hate it the worst. I have such panic. I have three impacted teeth and they've asked me for years to take out my three impacted wisdoms, and I just don't. I won't do it. Don't. Who cares? I actually said, is it a health issue? If it is, I will remove it. And this is my second dentist now, because when we moved, I got a new one. And he was like, no, it's not going to hurt you or kill you, but it may keep shifting your teeth. I go, I don't care. I don't care if they become crossed over. I couldn't care less.

I'm in comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The funnier looking I am.

It's only a benefit at this point if I have cross tooth syndrome.

Yeah. I couldn't care less if that happens. You realize how many fewer jokes I need to write, right?

I got 20 more minutes out the gate with my cross tooth.

In here, we pour, whisk, whisk.

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Yeah, I don't. I can't. The health stuff, it gets scarier and scarier now, especially because everything is like, you know, becoming more real. Like with my parents too. I was telling him before. I just said that in the couch before I said, you know, my parents are getting older and it just sucks. It sucks so bad. Because now all the things you hear about with age and time, I'm seeing firsthand.

Mm.

You know, it's almost like a cliche when someone says, you know, do you love and the money will come or this too will pass? And you hear all these cliches and then you do feel these things now you see them and you're like, all of it, that's real. Every single piece of it is real.

Yeah.

And the clock is a real thing.

So, yeah, there's no way around it.

It's shitty. But that's why we said. I said before the show, or to go backwards. It's like, I don't know, be close to him, I guess, if you can be. So I'm trying to work out what my next step of being close to my parents is because we don't have kids.

So I'm like, that's another cliche. I should be there, you know, of the. Well, we moved back to be closer to the Hannah I know.

And I'm feeling like we should anyway. Why? For me? Why not? I don't know. I mean, they're not going anyways.

Let's talk this through. Yeah, yeah, talk this through. So you go back home.

Yeah. Chicago.

You live there. You know, it's still a happening city. Good. Airports, you can fly around, do your stand up and all that kind of stuff. And I call you and I'm like, hey, I'd love to come on your pod. And you're like, all right, cool. Can you get to Chicago?

No, I would say I'll just come back to la. I would just fly back here and do business and I schedule it.

Keep a satellite office.

Yeah, schedule it. And then. Then go back when I need to go back.

Right.

Could this work? Probably not, but I'd like it. I wish it could. I wish it could. The likelihood is slim.

You make the move, you go back, you're like, you know, I just want to be close. And then they get all crotchety and weird and you're like, what am I doing?

They're already crotchety and weird. Yeah.

What am I doing here? Right. This is better. Like three times a year.

Eat your food. I become him. What are you guys doing down there? Yeah.

Told you this story a thousand times. Because I always. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, there's a. Do they really want you around?

Well, yeah, a little bit. I Mean, there's a guilt because I left when I was 18.

Mm.

I never saw. I never lived back in Chicago ever again. So there is a guilt that I have. They don't put it on me. But also because this career is so. Go, go. Gone, gone, gone. You know, I got back last night. I'm leaving tomorrow.

Yeah.

It's almost like, you know, I mean, you know, after 30 years, it's. You. Don't you feel like you were just in New York at the Cellar two seconds ago?

Oh, yeah.

And it's gone. And now it's a new. And another and another.

I'm going back tomorrow.

Yeah. See what I mean? It's like, wasn't I there last night? It's like, no, I don't think so. But it's just such a constant gone that I feel like. I don't know. I'm trying to figure out how do I balance the two, which I think everybody is. No matter what career you have, everyone in life is trying to figure out how that family time balance.

Well, there is that nice thing. There is definitely that nice thing. I was watching Moonstruck the other night.

It's a great movie.

One of the greatest movies of all time.

Yeah, it's a great movie.

And as an Italian American, it resonates really deeply. And just seeing that thing of the multi generations, they're all annoyed. That's why it's a comedy. They're all annoyed. They're all like, whatever. But there's also love. There's. And you. I think, like, have we lost something in that? We don't all live. All these generations aren't living within two square blocks of each other, because that is very rich.

Well, I will tell you. Did you see Life in the Blue Zones? Did you watch that documentary?

Yes.

One of the main components of longevity is community. Family and community together.

Right.

That multi generations, because they live within proximity of each other, they live longer because they're with blood. Longer. And it helps. They do say that is one of the top three components. I think it was. It was like diet, constant movement and community were top.

But the ego part of your show business life, when you roll back into Chicago and the family's there and they're like, oh, he's. He came home.

Yeah.

You're kind of a star within the family because you're not there all the time. You make every one of those shitty birthday parties, they're gonna care that you're there.

That's true. You know what, Tom? I'm staying in la.

Me too.

I'm not going anywhere. You know what? Cheers. We're not going anywhere.

Oh, it's sunny. Come on.

Screw you guys. No, it is true.

Palm trees, movie stars.

When you're around all the time, they probably. It's. It's not as special. It is nice to be this special. Pop home.

Yeah.

Also, the more I travel now, like I'm spending in this Midwest tour I'm doing right now, I'm using Chicago as my satellite. So I'm just popping home, going out, popping up, instead of going all the way back west.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I always have these fantasies of, you know, when you travel someplace and you're like, what if we lived here?

Right. Yeah.

What if we lived here?

I've done that.

You don't have to live these places.

No.

You don't need to go get a house and a mortgage. Visit really like that place. Go there more often than not.

Do you keep a place in New York?

No.

You did, didn't you? Yeah, you did. What, you were just over it.

No, it just got to a point where we had a great place in New York that was very expensive and my kids were going to school there, and then we'd come here and they go to school here. We were back and forth and it got to a point where we needed to settle. They needed friends and a regular routine. And the family as a whole chose la.

Yeah.

Over New York. And the place in New York was too expensive to just keep as a place you would go to once in a while. So we just shut it down.

Damn.

And. But now that the kids are back there and now I'm playing around with the idea of like renting a small spot there again. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Do it for me.

For you?

Yeah. Well, I'll crash there, too.

Yeah, it would be great.

Yeah. Have a little spot. I know, a little sexy spot to crash out. Little hideaway.

Yeah. I do like the hotel. When I travel solo, I love the. The act of going to a hotel where everyone knows you.

Yeah.

And you walk in and the doorman know you and you know the people behind the counter, and it's just beaut. I know where the outlets work. It's. It's close. As close to an apartment as I can get.

Right.

But when I travel with the family, as I will be tomorrow, and my daughter is going to come up from where? School, and it's like two hotel rooms in a nice hotel in New York.

Yeah. That's, you know, Charge up that credit card debt. Yeah.

Exactly. As she's postmating to her room, right.

Walk outside, there's food everywhere. She's like, no, I want it to come to me. Bring that. Bring it to me to the hotel. No, I do get that. But the hotel life. Someone said to me one time I was back home, and they were like, I was talking about jumping around the country, and they're like, yeah, but you're in nice hotels. What do you care? I said, dude, I don't care how nice the hotel is. Yeah, at some point, it's just a room with a bed. I've been in all of them. I've been in the shittiest of the shittiest and the nicest of the nicest. It doesn't matter because it's not home. So it doesn't. The feeling the nicest sheets in the world could never compare to being at home.

No, you're right.

And my sheets at home are way shittier than the ones at nice hotels. You know what I mean?

Just away for, like, 10 days and I was tired, and I'm like, why? I've adjusted to the time change. Like, why am I still wiped? I'm working out. I'm not drinking. And it was because I was away. It's still taxing your system to be, where am I eating? Get to the hotel, I get in the elevator. Like, it's not the same as being. But if we can go way back to the beginning of the conversation of your advice on Thanksgiving, your advice was, no, you stay. You stay in LA and have your Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

Going to be a stranger back east at your family's house.

Right.

So I guess maybe we just made the right move.

You. You. You are the host.

Yeah.

And you're the main host of the most.

Yeah.

And who's going to do turkey and bread? But who's going to bake bread the way you're going to bake bread?

And planes don't just go from LA to New York. They come this way, too.

They always come this way.

They're happy. I love to have them.

Hey, come on, guys. So for Tom's family, you have to come out here.

You don't have a choice.

Well, this is our first year. We're doing Christmas at our house. This is our first year because we usually do one year at her family, next year at mine. You know, we usually do that. And this was the first year we're gonna do a combo at all. Everyone comes to us.

You're gonna be so happy.

I'm already pretty excited.

You're never gonna go Back now I.

Don'T want to go back.

Well, the first time you do that.

Yeah, it's.

You realize how much energy you were dumping all those other years, right? The travel, the packing up, the presents.

You're gonna be so happy you come to us.

Oh, yeah.

I'm very excited.

Oh, it's great.

Yeah. My dad was like, at first I thought, I'm not gonna be able to sell them on the no snow. Like, you know, because they both live in snow cities.

Yeah.

So a white Christmas will definitely not happen.

Yeah.

And I thought I was gonna have a whole thing with my dad with the no snow thing. And I was like, is that something you'd be interested in? He's like, hot tub for Christmas. Yeah, I'm very interested in it.

I was like, that's great.

You got it, baby.

That's awesome.

Yeah. He was like, can we golf in December? I was like, oh, yeah, we can. He's like, oh, my God, I can't wait to be up there. I was like, all right, we're gonna go there.

You're gonna be so happy.

It was an easy sell. I thought it wasn't gonna be easy, but this will be our first year. So what I will do is at some point employ you to give me Christmas bread of some kind, and I'll pay you handsomely.

You just ask. And I'm cranking up more bread than I have friends.

You're the king, maker of bread. And by the way, listen to the pod breaking.

Yeah.

On AT. Is it on ATC's network? Isn't it?

Kind of.

Kind of?

Yeah.

It's on your channel.

Yeah.

Not on their channel.

In my YouTube and Spotify.

Well, please listen to it because I've done it. It's a great show. And also go see Tom live, obviously. His website is Tom Papa. Tom Papa.com. but more importantly, we really want everyone here to take some time and go watch his new special, Home free on the Netflix. On the Netflixes. Leave a comment below. Spread the word. Let everybody know how much you love Tom Papa as much as I do.

We're really good together.

We are. Yeah. We really, aren't we?

Yeah.

I mean, we should spend more time together, but here you are always jet setting around the world and you got.

To go see your parents.

Well, yeah. Also this year I'm going to. I'm gone the whole month of November. I go down to Australia, New Zealand and Singapore.

Wow.

Had no idea. Stand up. Yeah. Bobby and I are doing like, we were gonna do Australia, then we canceled. So we owe these dates, which we wanted to do anyway, but we kept putting it off until now. So we're finally going down and someone promoter was like, would you guys stop by Singapore? I was like, well, I've never been.

Yeah.

What an opportunity to see it, I guess. I mean, I don't know. I've heard it sounds great. Pretty cool.

Yeah.

So the whole month of November gone, but I'm back in December, and I'll be ringing your phone to say, more bread, please.

I will give you bread. I'm making a lot of you.

The bread.

God, I'd be more than happy to give you a family.

Go see him on tour. Please watch a special on Netflix and spread the word. Thank you. I appreciate you. We end the show the same way. You look into that camera and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode, and it'll be cemented in history forever. Whenever you're ready.

Ready. Pumpkin spice?

No, no.

In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk.

You were that creature in the ginger beer.

Sturdy and ginger like Beppers. The ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, 75 for the horse.

Gingers.

Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.