Transcript of #3178 Southern Charm S11E08 Part 1:When Audrey Met Salley

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crap-ins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. Ben Mandelker. Joining me today is my fellow comrade, the only, the only one I could share so much time with. It's Mr. Roni Karem. Hi, Roni. How are you?

Good, Ben. How are you, you sweet little doubling?

I'm just great. I just saw you Moments ago, you could have just been in a checklist show.

You sure did. Real life, baby. Real life seeing each other.

Real life. We look like we're a gender reveal right now because you're wearing pink and I'm wearing light blue. It's like, what's the baby going to be?

We're going to let the baby they decide. That's what my friends, when I had a baby shower 10 years ago for our friend group child, we were having a baby shower, and we were choosing colors for the baby shower. I was like, Well, it's pretty easy, pink or blue. The Mom was like, We don't know what gender the baby is going to identify as yet. I was like, Oh, for Christ's sake. Really? What do you do? What do you even do? We're deciding this early that we're not going to decide? But I am anti-gender reveal in general. I like it. She was ahead of her time. I'll give her that. She was. She was ahead of her time.

I'm very anti-gender reveal, which is funny because we'll be talking, at least very briefly about that later today. We are here to talk about Southern Charm before we get into that, in case you didn't hear the crappies are happening on February 27th, our roster of guests is coming together quite nicely. Very excited for that. It's going to be a great night at the Fonda in Hollywood. There will be also live streaming, but those details, you don't get those just yet. You'll have to wait. You have to hold, please. Please hold first. You must check out the magic of Nikolene. No, it will be available for streaming like it was last year, so that will be great. But tickets are available at watchforkrappins. Com for the in-person tickets. There are not a lot left, so we encourage people to go get them before it's too late. In fact, I went to buy tickets for a whole separate event later in the year, and it was sold out because I waited too long, and now I'm sad for myself. So don't be like me. But anyway, Patreon. Com/watchforkrappins. Get ad-free. You can do that if you want.

Also, Krappins OnDemand. We can check out our light pink and light blue shirts. We also have weekly bonuses. Trader's. Oh, my God. Can't wait for later tonight. Trader's episode. We'll be talking all about that tomorrow. That's all the good stuff. That's all the really good, great stuff to talk about.

That's all the news is fit to print. All the news. I would also like to thank the lighting in here today because my one cheekbone is lit. Look at that. Look at that. Just one lit cheekbone. It's beautiful. It's like that song.

The wall flowers. One cheekbone. Except it was about a headlight. Well, it's very nice. That's like very cinema. That's cinema. That's so cinema. To get the outline. I don't have my... Oh, I don't have my lighting on, but whatever. Today, We're talking about something that's not cinematic. It's Southern Charm, the opposite. Something that did not get any Oscars that got reverse Oscars, it's Southern Charm.

Southern Charm, it's only one. Corn. I mean, I want corn. If I see corn, I'm going, You I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it. So here we are, Southern Charms.

It could be described as Sinners. What? I said it could be described as Sinners, but a different kind.

Sinners, yeah, basically the same thing. Southern Charms, Season 11, Episode 8, and Raged in battle. One battle after another Academy Award nominee. I was going to watch that movie, and then I read the description. It was like, A man's daughter was kidnapped, and he has to go... How many movies are going to be about a man, some manly man, going to get his daughter who was kidnapped. How many daughters are kidnapped that the dads are running after and having a whole movie about it? It's been like 20 movies. I'm sick of this plot. How was that winning an Oscar? Was it good? Yes or no? Tell me the truth.

It actually is really good. If it makes you feel any better, Leonardo DiCaprio plays a dad trying to save his daughter, and he's very inept. He's very inept at it. If it's anything, the movie is-How old is the daughter? She's 16 or 17.

That's dating age. That must have been awkward.

It's about a lot of things, but definitely, toxic masculinity feels like it's on the menu of things it's targeting. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I think you might enjoy it as well.

Well, I'm not going to find out because I refuse to give that butt anymore. My hard-earned tax dollars.

Well, you know what? Take a stand. I support it.

I am. I'm taking a stand. We're at Sally's house, and Sally, someone who's never taken a stand, is now stuck with these fucking chickens that she got to flirt with Craig. She's got her flirting chickens, her needy flirting chickens. She's stuck with them She's carrying them in a plastic crate outside, and she's like, Oh, my God, I love you guys, but you're so stinky. Are you not dating Austin yet? Because I feel like you're going to be saying that a lot of the time.

I know. I'm like, Enough about the guys. Talk about the chickens. Also, has she even handled these chickens before? She looked like she never even dealt with them. She was so like, What?

I don't think you ever get used to dealing with chickens. They're not easy. Look at them. They're pecking you. They're running around. They're just not soft, cuddly creatures. That's why the first person, the first person They tried to cuddle with the chicken. It didn't work, and they finally just strangled the chicken and ate it. They got so upset. That's how chicken nuggets came into existence.

You're welcome. I'll tell you who knows their way around the chicken. Gonzo. I mean, Gonzo and Priscilla, the love affair, it's just that they have such a tender relationship. You know?

Yeah. That was romantic. It was one for the ages. That was the- Now, if that guy was starring in One Battle After Another, I'd be in. You'd be like,. He's like, Where's Priscilla? I'd be into that.

Blowing up some bones. But I think Sally… This chicken thing is so sad, and it's a small part of this episode. It's really only this moment. But she literally bought three living chickens and a coop just to impress Craig. It's really one of the saddest displays. I'm sure at the reunion, she'll say, No, no, no, no, no. I actually was like, I really wanted to get chickens, and I was on the fence, and then Craig inspired me to to do it. But I didn't do it for Craig. I did it for me. I'm like, That's fine. But no, you bought it for Craig. You bought the chickens for Craig.

You did it for Craig. You did it for Craig. You shouldn't ever get chicken. Chickens are temporary. They're edible, tiny. They don't have the longest lifespan. Get a baby. Have you learned that thing? If you want to keep a man, you have a baby, or you get a baby. That's what you do.

All that she wants is another baby. Then she's She's gone tomorrow. But she's putting these chickens in the crate, and she's like, Yeah, struggling with it. Their names are Cantaloupe, coconut, and popcorn, which I hate.

You're naming food after food? Hey, guys, I'm having a burger today. I'm calling Why don't you have the ham? I hate this in so many ways. I guess that's close to the hamburger. I'm having a burger today, so I'm going to call it a popsicle. Why would you do that? Stop naming your food, food.

But also, at least, don't establish two-thirds of a pattern and not see it all the way through. Cantaloupe and coconut. So, first of all, they both start with C. These are both seaward chickens, and they're both fruit, coconut and cantaloupe. And then all of a sudden, she goes to popcorn. What are you thinking? What is wrong with you? Why are you such a lunatic?

Why is the third one. That's a Northerner.

Right, but why is the third… The third one should be… I don't know. I mean, is there another seafood?

You're a northerner because corn is a vegetable, and But popcorn. But we're not talking- Popcorn is a vegetable in the south. I'm talking about fruits. I know, but I'm saying it makes sense if you think of it as a Southerner because she's naming her chickens after fruits and vegetables, which makes sense.

But I just feel... But honestly, I'm going to reject it. I will take my Northerner status. I will be a Yankee about this. I feel like you got two fruits. You could go kumquat, but that is not spelled with a C. But it does... Kumquat It sounds dirty with this cast, kumquat, but I'm offended by her naming conventions. I just think she can do so much better.

Yeah, I think she could, but then you remember it, Sally, and she can't. What about the second time? What about the second time? What about the name these chickens. Opens a fridge. Coconight.

I hate naming one thing after another sometimes. I've explained this a lot. I don't understand why people name their dogs Bear. That's a strange It's a strange thing to me. It's the same thing. Why are you naming your chickens after other food?

You do have a lot of weird pet rules. You don't want to name pets after other animals, and you also don't want them named after humans.

You have like a thing- No, I like them named I like humans. I actually think it's really funny when they're named after humans, like Bob.

I meant the dog name, Bob. I think you used to be against that until you met a Gladys or something that you liked the dog and you changed your rules.

No, I just am amused. I'm amused by human names for pets. There was a TV show called The Great American Dog on CBS years ago, and there was a little Maltese named Andrew, and I thought that was the funniest thing, that someone named their dog Andrew. It was also a formal version of a name. I'm okay with it. I'm very amused by that, but I'm less… I just feel like it's just strange to name your dog another animal. It's just it's… People do it all the time. They name their dogs Bunny or Bear. Bear is common. Bear is common, yeah. Captain Sandy has one named Little Bear. It's a dog, though. It's a dog. Anyway, I vote that the third chicken be renamed Clementine because that also sounds more of a chicken name than popcorn.

Actually, popcorn's fine. Right, but that also wouldn't work because that's a type of apple. It's not an apple. You know what I mean? She's not saying a type of coconut or a type of cantaloupe. She's calling the-So it would need to be like banana.

Cherry, maybe. But cherry is like it's a C-word, but it's like a.

Cherry's cute. Yeah, cherry's cute. Cherry's cute. Yeah. I would just name them Need a and Man. Just call them Need a Man. I'm willing to do anything, even put the innocent lives of these chickens at stake for a man. Pick me, Girl. Yeah. Pick me, Girl. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crap and commercial. She does She's like, Oh, my God, I'm terrified of popcorn. Of course, the only carb, the thin girl is like, Oh, my God. And popcorn is horrible. It does fix. She's not found in popcorn. And she screams and drops popcorn because popcorn isn't easy. You know why? Because you're keeping popcorn prisoner so that you could steal its unborn children to eat every day. I wonder why popcorn's upset. I wonder.

It also may be that whole thing being kept in captivity that might be upsetting popcorn as well.

Yeah. It's like room, the chicken version. Like, knows nothing else but Sally coming.

We need Galina to come in and liberate these chickens. For real? Safely.

Yeah. Then we go over to Madison's house, and she's just lounging on the couch acting like she's binging out. It's so crazy to see Madison eating, guys, isn't it? She's eating SkinnyPop, like Smartpop, whatever the fuck she's eating. Like, Come on, Madison, get some fucking ice cream. If you want me to go into your like, I'm a mom, and now I'm eating everything I see. When we get some fucking ice cream. I want to see you eating peanut butter out of the container. I want to see you eating bread out of the bag, the slice of bread out of the bag, just dump it in the peanut butter. I've been eating like a pregnant woman my whole life. I know how it's done, Madison. Try harder. Skinny pop.

There are one popcorn after another. Am I right? She is finding out whether or not dogs can have popcorn. And guess what? She's Karen. Oh, my God. See, here is a perfect example. Karen, a dog named Karen, which I'm so amused by. Karen is... The popcorn is approved for Karen. Madison starts throwing popcorn for Karen, and Karen is a little slow on the uptake. Not going to lie. Karen is like one of those dogs that stares at the bowl. Can I have the bowl of popcorn? She's like, I literally just do some over there. Turn around Karen. But she gets it. Karen gets there eventually.

No, no. Madison was not throwing the popcorn. She was pretending to throw it. She was going, and then fake throwing it, and then going, and fake throwing it. The dog was like, What the fuck? Karen's just down there like, Do not make me call the manager. I'm named Karen. Then she actually threw it. Then Karen's like, Thanks a lot. Thanks for making… Now I get to eat a piece of fucking popcorn after you've made me feel like a moron. Thanks.

Karen's like, I was told there'd be chicken. Isn't there a chicken named popcorn for me? Sorry.

Oh my God. She's like, Yeah, I can't be the only one getting fat, Karen. Thick girl summer. Okay? She was a feater. I really did like when she said, Y'all, if I see it, I'm going to eat it. We like that. It was the best thing Madison's ever said.

She refrains from eating her phone and instead uses it to call Craig to FaceTime him, and he's like, I love that you're snacking right now. She's like, I know. Look, look at this. And she holds up her popcorn.

One little kernel of popcorn.

Yeah. You know what? This is when I really am feeling what you just said. If you're going to brag about what you're snacking on, it should be melty. It'll be something chocolatey, melty, or cheesy, or something. But like, it's going to pop. Look at Madison.

She cares so much about her calories, and she's pinging out on smart pop. So, Craig, who's got-It was a lavaine cookie, okay?

A lavaine cookie, a big, chunky cookie that's too big for its own good.

Yeah. So, Craig, who's got the mental prowess of the popcorn, gives her a call, and they talk about snacking. And, what are you laughing?

Because I know you were just going on to the next line, but when I was like, Give her a lavaine cookie, something too big, and you just go, Yeah.

Because you know what? I know what's happening with you over there. I see it coming. I see that you're working yourself up. And now that you said cookie, you're going to just start naming shit that you want to eat right now. Because I also know that you're hungry, because we just had a meeting before here, and you were saying, I'm hungry and I need a bagel. And I know that that means that through this entire recap, you're going to find reasons to talk about all the food that you're dreaming of eating. And it just started. I knew it was going to happen, and you said the living cookie, so I was like, Do I just move on or do I give into that?

You know? No, I know. That's why it was so funny to me because you had that look like, okay, Ben is out of control today.

Ben's going to start. Even at the radio, when we were in the studio, we were on a commercial break or something, and you guys started talking about fucking calories. When you're all together, and listen, I've talked about how I'm so fat. My whole time on this show, my whole life, I've done it. I know how hypocritical it is, but you guys, you three queens, Jeff, you, and what's his name? Shane. I snapped. All go in. You all go in, you talk about calories and what you're eating. You feel so fat, and then Annie starts, and then the other one, Kean starts. Then you're all talking about fucking calories. And then it goes into a segment, and then we spend the rest of our time on radio show talking about everybody's fucking protein intake for the day. I just knew. I knew it was coming. I know. Because you know what? You make me hungry. I heard so much about weight loss.

And then I was like, Okay, then, you need to eat.

You're like, I've spent years listening to you talk about weight loss. I was like, Okay, okay.

Well, I feel like everyone gets to talk about GLP-1s and everyone gets to talk about Ozempic. The moment I talk about I decided to cut out carbs, I guess it's because of Passa.

The moment, you're cutting out carbs every other day. You're like, Guys, guess what? Today, I'm cutting out carbs.

All the crapies are coming up.

Stop it. It's horrible. Stop cutting out carbs. Carbs deserve all of that.

I'm obviously not doing it. I'm obviously not doing it. I had a recently eaten a butter cup for breakfast in the green room. I'm obviously not doing it, so I have to talk it out. That way I feel better about myself.

You have nothing to feel better about. You're already amazing, gorgeous, okay?

That's it. Stop it. That's it.

They're still talking about food just like us. My plan did not work, apparently, I guess, is the point. So Craig's like, Well, I just wanted to call and touch base because I was so excited to come over for girls night because it was my idea to sneak over. Austin doesn't have ideas. It was just my idea. But then Austin's hammered and he's angry, and I'm like, I'm just going to go home because you're hammered and angry, and I've done absolutely nothing. Turn on one of my good friends for no reason on television and publicly and tried to shame her and throw her name in the mud just because I I don't want to date her.

Madison's like, I will say that when Austin showed up, Sally just started really talking really bad about you, just like the beta that she is.

And Craig's like, Really? That's not cool, though, either, Madison. That's not really how it happened. Sally didn't just start shit-talking Craig. She was told that Craig was just shit-talking her and throwing her under the bus and saying that she was a hornado and everything else. He said tornado, but I heard what he really meant.

Hornado. Then we see a flashback to all that and everything that happened. Madison's like, I mean, Sally, she has feelings for you. She bought chickens. Steepid, stupid slut. Craig's like, I know, but she would have no reason to think I was into her just because I said we should have sex.

We should raise chickens together, and you should stay at my house after we've been in the hot tub all night together. Where ever did she get the impression that I liked her?

She's like, wifey material. I don't know why she got the impression that I liked her. She She's basically like, Well, I'm sure the flirting and the text messages had to factor into all of that. We see a recap of those text messages where the primary offender was that she said, I should have said, and he was like, You could have said if you wanted. She's like, Well, invite me next time. That's their big flirtatious moment, which I think is pretty flirty, I think, late at night.

Yeah. He did say, I mean, so the text, Yeah, it was fun. I should have stayed. Yeah, you could have if you wanted. I did want. Invite me to stay next time. Sleep well. See you next week. You, too. It could have just meant, You can stay if you're too drunk to go home. I don't care. I have a couch. I live in a house. But I think staying out, coming back and parting until four in the morning with some girl who you know likes you, and you talk about chickens together. You were flirting, Craig. You were flirting.

Well, especially because later in the episode, he says that when the two of them were left alone, she stood there waiting for a kiss, and he had to be like, See you later. He knew there was She was into him at that point. If she's saying, I should have stayed, at that point, if you want to diffuse, you say something like, Oh, it's all good. We're going to have so much fun with our friends this summer. You can put it up, but you don't say, You could have stayed. That's not how you diffuse. If you see that someone's into you and you're not into them, there's a way to maybe push the mixed signals back in the other direction. He was like, No, he loved the attention. I just said… He's all about it. He likes keeping options open for himself because that's what a lot of pros do.

She's like, What do you mean by that when you were saying you can stay? He's like, Well, she and Chef were in the kitchen and they had several Sheppard Ubers, and then Chef left first, and then she turned around and she gave me a hug and just stood there looking at me. I was like, All right, get home safe. Then, yeah, that's when she texted me. I mean, what do you do when a girl says that I should have stayed? You're supposed to say, No, you shouldn't. What am I supposed to say in that situation?

You literally do the ha-ha. Actually, that's what you should have said, ha-ha. Yeah, ha-ha. Noncommittal, but also you're joking, right? Because clearly, we don't have any romantic connection.

No, I think you should send her the emoji that everyone knows means go home. An eggplant.

Go home and make an eggplant parmesan. Go home and make an eggplant parmesan.

Everyone knows. Yeah, a fire. Cook, eggplant. Eggplant cook. And a heart, and then the lips that are like, police or rentalist.

Then now, Craig does his favorite thing, which is to infantilize himself, to be cute and sweet and incapable of being a bad guy. So he goes, I'm just a dumb boy, and I got myself in a little bit of trouble.

Because we always say that as the guys on this show, I'm just a boy. When they actually say it, I crack up. He's like, I'm just a dumb boy. Million dollar smile.

Yeah, seriously. I have a crush on Charlie. Little kindergarten crush on Charlie. I'm a little boy. I'm concerned that this whole thing is going to stress her out and be like, If Sally likes Craig, it's easier to just not go hang out with him. That's my biggest fear.

Also, if you really like Charlie over Sally, and you all were hanging out in the hot tub and blah, blah, blah, the easiest way to friendzone Sally would have been one of the nights that Charlie wasn't there, which there have been plenty of, I'm sure, that you say, Hey, who are you into? And then wait till she doesn't say, and then you say, Yeah, I'm really into Charlie. I really like Charlie. Boom, friendzoned, done. But you can't because you like to keep them both on the hook.

Meanwhile, Charlie's in her own independent film over here, just slowly unraveling over the course of the season, over the stupid Craig thing, because now we go crafting with her. Doesn't it feel like she's in some movie where she should be in a supermarket putting things in her cart and hair coming out and crying? She's She's inside herself over this stupid situation. She is.

She's really stressed out over it.

I thought she was going to be so much more self-possessed. I thought she'd be like, I'm the hot girl. I'm here now. I call the shots. Instead, she's like, What do I do? Should I even go to the... She can't even go to Starbucks. I don't want to get the same order as Sally. She'll be mad at me. Oh, no, but we both love lattes.

Can I even show myself in the craft studio? What is everybody going to think about me? Oh, my God. Just give me a scarlet. Can I make a scarlet letter and just put that on my sweater? Can I just make a scarlet letter?

I think Sally's going to be mad at me if I go into a Color Me mind.

Can we call it Color Me Hours?

I just don't want to feel like I'm taking something from her.

She's there with Molly, and they look like they're in two different shows, too, because Molly is... I don't know what Molly is in, but I love, I fucking love Molly. I don't know what she's doing half the time, but I really like her energy. Her energy is just like, What? I made this dress, and I don't care what you're saying right now. What? I'm trying to paint a coffee mug.

Molly truly makes no sense. I love her, too. She's so funny, but she doesn't seem to have any true relationships with these girls. She drifts in and scoffs and then goes home and looks for a snake that's hidden somewhere. She just grafted onto this show, superimposed onto it, and has no impact on anything, but also one of my favorite parts of it.

I don't really understand her. I'll take it. I really like it. She always has this look on her face where her her eyes are squinted, and she just looks like you're an idiot. She just looks at you like, You're so stupid. She's with Charlie, and Charlie is like, So, have you ever been here before? Do you think anybody recognizes me? It's the whore that I am. Oh, my God. I'm a terrible person.

Molly's like, No, but I do like this stuff. Charlie's like, Are you crafty? The way I am? I'm such a crafty bitch. Oh, my God. She's like, Yeah, they both seem so unenthusued by this that they have to... I feel like they were paid, and they have to pretend like they care about crafting because they both seem like this is awful. But they're like, Yeah, I love crafting. Let's craft.

Craft. Well, they can only shoot so many scenes at a park bench. I think they've hit their limit. Charlie tells us, I'm not a creative person by any means. I mean, that's why I like working in an art gallery. I look at art, I like selling it, not doing it. Well, don't worry, you're in a fucking craft store. It's not like no one's expecting much from I know.

You're not in the yellow house with Van Gogh, expected to churn out some portraits of master pieces. You're just making a little...

Yeah, you're making a mosaic. It'll be okay. I do Craft Night when I'm in Texas with my sister and nieces. It's always so fun. My sister stresses out so much, and we're just doing these dumb things. It's like, Okay, get alcohol inks and put them on a tile and then blow it around with a straw, and it makes a cool pattern. My sister's I was always like, God, I suck at this. I'm so bad at this. I'm so bad at art. Why don't I have any artistic ability? It's like, Dude, we just dumped paint onto a canvas and moved it around on a Lazy Susan and called it art. She's like, Oh, God, I can't even do that right. Art is terrible. I hate art, mate.

But also, you're really good at crafts and art, so I can imagine being like, Wow, I thought mine was nice, but I just looked like a peep on a canvas.

I mean, thank you, but literally, I choose things that you… It's like, Okay, tonight's craft is we're all going to take a piece of pizza, eat half of it, and then smear the rest of it on a postcard. She'll be like, Oh, my God. I'm stuck at this. It's like the easiest, most formless shit ever. She still gets so upset.

I can understand. I'm an overachiever. I used to be so good at art. Art was my jam, but I haven't done art in so long that now most of my stuff looks like crap, which is just really tragic. But every now and then, I can get a little crafty once in a while. My craftiness comes out around Halloween. I'll cobble together some sad little costume, and that's my moment of creativity for the year.

You're good. You're really good with your Halloween costumes, actually.

I do enjoy that. Yeah, you're good with those. Like a homemade, crafty costume. I don't go out there looking like Cierra on Summerhouse whenever she does costumes. Mine's 100% homemade, but therein is the fun. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. It's like, Get myself credit. You grew up, but you're your own mom, which I like.

Correct. They sit down to make their mosaics, and Charlie is going to do a sunset. She's like, Well, maybe I'll do a sunset or some wave. I'm just going to look into my lookbook of waves. Oh, there's one that's cresting. There's another one that's cresting. Oh, look at that one. It's cresting. So many options for waves.

She's like, Oh, my God. I'm scared to use the wire cutter. I don't even do that. She uses it, and Molly's like, Jeez, that is scary. How are you after everything that happened at Madison's house? That's the way Molly's looking at her like, You fucking moron. You'll be okay. You'll survive this.

Yeah. Then they're going to talk about the slumber party and everything. Sally is… I don't remember if this is part of… Oh, yeah, that was part of the flashback. But we come back, and Charlie is… She's saying like, The thought of going on this date brings me so much anxiety. It's scary than cutting a wire. Just did another one.

Is this terrifying? It's just because Sally was definitely hurt by Craig, and I feel bad about that. But at the same time, I'm attracted to Craig. I mean, that's why I'm going on the date. Should I even go? I shouldn't go. I'm a terrible person, but now it puts me in a really weird position because it's like, Greg, you're so cute, and Sally, she eats me so much. Oh, my God, what do I do? She's a mother of chickens now. I'm hurting a single mother of five. She's got two dogs and chickens. A single mother of five. What is... I never saw this happening to me.

Molly's like, I mean, it's the same place that Sally and Vanita were in. Sally was in a weird place, but she was like, Whatever. I'm going to do what I want. So similar because Molly hates Sally this season, which is fun. It's not very impactful, but she just chimes in on the side being like, Fuck that bitch. Am I right? Okay, you're getting it.

Yeah. She's got a point there. She's like, She didn't give a shit. What her friend thought, so why would you give a shit? What'd she think? She's like, Kind of similar. She goes, I mean, I guess. Commercials.

Here comes one right now.

By the way, we have a couple of things that we need to add. So apparently on the after-show, we found out that Vanita didn't just leave the party because she was upset. She had a kidney infection and had to go to the hospital, I guess, which is weird because she did say, But I'm upset and I'm leaving, so I'm not I'm really sure how that got edited into a weird place because she definitely left because she was upset. I don't know if she was upset and that triggered a kidney thing. I don't know. I don't know. But just to update people. That's really…

Okay.

The other thing that was super weird in the after-show. I just saw a clip, but… Vanita is talking about how she really loves Sally and that she wants to know where Sally is at all times, and she has her location. She checks her location at night and makes sure that Sally is at home at a certain time of night, so she's not out getting into trouble with boys. Whoever she's talking to, I don't remember if it's Molly or Charlie, but they're looking at her like, . Okay. Well, that's nice. But you see in their face, it's like, So you're just crazy. So you're nuts. You're coming out as just being fucking nuts at this point. I like that, that we're just slowly finding out that maybe Vanita is just nuts.

She's just… Maybe she's unstable in more than one way because she falls over a lot. Now we're finding out that maybe she's unstable in new ways. That's exciting. Now, slowly getting new layers to Vanita.

Yeah, but I like it. I will take those off camera or off the main show, qualities of Venita. They make me more interested. Molly is like, Well, I mean, I mean, look, Craig, is he a good guy when he likes you and he's a bad guy when he likes Charlie? It doesn't make much sense, Sally. It's hypocritical. But that's Sally in a nutshell.

Classic Sally. Then Charlie is like, I don't want to upset Sally. Molly's like, You got to quit caring so much. I know. It's hard because whenever it's literally my best friend and she's telling me that she doesn't care, it doesn't feel like that.

I think that she cares.

It's Okay, can you put down your mosaic pieces? Okay, stop laughing your tears with those. You're going to cut your cheeks.

Yeah, she's like, Oh, why am I bleeding? I thought it was funny because Charlie says, Yeah, it's like she said she doesn't care, but it doesn't feel like she doesn't care. It gets to Sally going, Well, have fun on your date. He's going to write me off like that. Fuck him, but I guess you should have fun because it's going to happen to you. Yeah, it seems like Sally's really psyched for your date. I can see why you're confused.

Yeah, really psyched. Molly's like, Oh, don't be sad, pretty girl. I know it's all stressful, but you're not meant to be or you're not a good friend. Literally, Charlie, I promise you, you are a good friend. It's all good. She was like, I just want them to be okay with each other. She's starting to choke up. Molly's like, Oh, God, this one. I care about another stupid blonde twit crying about a guy who likes her too much. Molly's Well, if she's claiming not to care, then maybe you just have to go by that and be like, All right. You said you don't care. So I'm going on the date.

Yeah. So just do. Just fucking do what feels right. I mean, what do you want for me? So what'd you end up making? She's like, Oh, nothing. I have blood all over my glass now. What did you make? Charlie was like, Are you funny? I'm, Duh. It's pretty amazing. You're a moron. She's like, Be true to yourself. Don't call me again. This was not- This was painful.

Yeah. I'd rather go back and shoot more scenes with Whitney, okay? In his lair.

I'd rather get the fucking Whitney again.

Can we get out of here? Rodrigo and Tyler go to a store called Celadon to do some interior designing. Rodrigo is outfitting Shep's new home because he is an interior designer. Rodrigo is like, empirically, Shep is cheap, but in this process, he never gave me a budget. So, baby, I'm flying free. So now we're going to see Rodrigo at work doing his art.

Yes, picking furniture. And so he goes in and the sales lady is like, Oh, Rodrigo. God, I haven't seen you in a long time. Have we given up the business where we've been, Rodrigo? Mr. Non-working Rodrigo. Hey, everybody. Here's hobbyist decorator, Rodrigo. Welcome him back to the store. Haven't seen him in a while. Wow, you still know what a couch is? You just sitting on lawn furniture these days. Those customers all Okay, enjoy the store. We've got a bunch of $4,000 tables, you fucking idiot. Thanks for coming in.

Tyler's like, Oh, my God. That's the largest coffee table I've ever seen. Iconic. The lady's like, Those are actually old opium beds from China. They're like, Oh, cool. Associated with drug use. Perfect for Shep.

Shep is going to love that. This is an opium. This is from an opium den in China.

Gosh. It's $4,100.

You took this out of a crack house and you want to charge me $4,100 for it? It's like, Hey, this came from a drug den. It's got sperm all over it. Very old sperm, though. It's antique sperm, and it's $4,100. Consider yourself lucky to get this bargain.

Then, I mean, Rodrigo is really leaning into like, Antiquities and Antiques for Shep, which I'm like, Is this Shep's esthetic? I mean, what is Shep's esthetic? Like, rumpled I'm not sure.

You can't decorate the house with a baseball cap with an American flag on it. You know what I mean? This is it. What are you going to decorate? It's like, Okay, here's my client. Think of a crumpled brown paper bag that spits when he talks. How do you get him?

So, Rodrigo is mentioning that they have a busy week coming up because of the engagement party. And Tyler, I like Tyler going, Well, you proposed to me, so you should be planning it. You can't trap me into planning this on camera, okay? I already said, I'm going to make Ina Garten's Weeknight Bolanets, and that's my contribution. You figure out the rest.

He's like, I don't think that that's how that works, Tyler. He's like, Yeah, it is. You can plan it, and you will plan it. He's like, You're a fucker. He talks about how they got engaged in Greece nine months ago. I am Greek. I am Greek. Joke about having a cash bar, which I would do. I don't think that's a joke. I want to have a BYOB if I ever do it. I would it be like, just bring it on?

I think I would not do a cash bar at your engagement party. I just wouldn't do that. I don't think so. I think... I don't know. I feel like you should… If you're going to do a whole big fancy… Let me put it this way. If you do a party, maybe at a restaurant, sure, a cash bar, but if you're doing this whole thing, a lavish production with chairs and tables, and everyone has to be dressed in white, that's implying a certain amount of luxury and a certain amount of of a to-do. If everyone has to follow all these rules, and then it's like, Oh, and by the way, you also have to pay for your drinks. I don't know. I don't like that. I think it's.

I think you're right. I think that's tacky. Maybe it should be a potluck or a bring your own thing. I would do a B-M-A-M wedding, a bring me a man wedding. I'm just going to throw myself a wedding where you have to bring all your own food and drinks and also bring someone for me to marry. Right. Because I'm never putting the effort into any of that stuff.

That sounds perfect. I'm actually a little surprised that they threw this party. I really did think… Tyler speaks to me truly as a bear for Contesa gay. I don't know if we ever saw him doing that, but I've always had it in my mind that he has at least three of Aina Garten's cookbooks. I think that he would just have a little thing where people show up in Blazers and past apps that are all Hamptons-y, and it's in their house, and they play some nice music. They put on some Boubou in the background, and it's nice but boring, and then everyone leaves. But I was not expecting them to take us back to Santorini engagement party, everyone has to wear white, and it's more… It just was fancier than I was expecting from these two.

Well, I It wasn't a borrowed backyard. I mean, it's not that fancy. I'm just telling people to wear white. It's not that fancy. But I don't want to disser it or anything. It looked nice. They put up a tent for them to kiss each other under and stuff.

That was nice. I think asking people to wear all white and not have beer stains on it is pretty fancy for this show.

Yeah, this is Southern Charm. This was pretty elegant. They're talking about their wedding, and he's like, Yeah, I mean, now that we're engaged, people are asking me, When is the wedding? I'm like, What? I want to get my kitchen done. I'm remodeling my kitchen because I'm a designer, and I don't want to go on Reddit and have people saying, What the fuck is his fucking esthetic? How is he designer's kitchen? It looks like shit.

We see many I have a couple of quotes from Reddit of people being like, He's a designer and his kitchen looks like shit. I was surprised. Did we ever clock that? I'm actually shocked that we did not clock that.

I feel like we didn't because I thought, wow, these people are even gayer than we are on Reddit because I don't think we've dissed his kitchen before, have we?

I don't think so. I don't think I've noticed it. I don't think I truly realized that Rodrigo was an interior designer until this season. He may have told us, but in my mind, I thought he was a lawyer or something. You did not visually strike me as an interior designer because I feel like he doesn't talk about design a lot or looks or I don't know, or maybe I just missed it. Maybe I just had a blind spot. Either way, I just am upset that we missed a chance that we could have really hounded him for his kitchen because that probably would have been a really fun thing for us to do.

Yeah. Well, it's gone now. That time's over. We lost. So, yeah, they're like, Rodrigo's an interior designer. What a loser. The countertop, the backsplash, that is unforgivable. I must have missed the live, laugh, love decor. I mean, that does sound like something we'd say. He has a grandma.

We didn't say I'm not even thinking about this. This all sounds like us. I don't like the stupid comments we'd say. So Rodrigo's like, Bitch, I know. I know. That's why I'm not married yet. I want a better kitchen. My career is tanking because everyone's making fun of my kitchen. So, Tyler is hoping that Austin is going to bring Audrey. And Rodrigo's like, I mean, she's sad. She's coming. So, Audrey, life of the party. And she's like, Yeah. And how do you think Audrey is going to feel about seeing Shep and crack for the first time? Am I right?

Girl, literally, nobody cares what Audrey thinks. I mean, what is Audrey doing here? I think Audrey is one of those people that you just... Audrey is one of those people that in Los Angeles, you see them going into the celebrity center for the first time. They're being invited by some scientologist like, Hey, you want to come in for a free evaluation? They're like, Yeah, it's free? An evaluation? And you're like, There's no helping them. You know that you should run over and be like, No, no, no. This isn't what you think it's going to be. They're going to ruin your life. But you're like, They're just too dumb. Just let him go. Just let him go. That's how I feel about Audrey. We want to save Audrey, but if this show has been on for 10 years and you're still dumb enough to date these guys, I can't feel bad for you.

Yeah. I mean, that's a choice that she's made to go with Austin. But I actually do like Audrey because what I like is seeing her go from, Oh, my God, this nice sweet girl, Audrey, last season, to slowly realizing the hell that she has entered herself into and realizing that Austin is Austin, and he's surrounded by awful people. She's just like, Why am I doing this? You just see that realization all over her face as she. You do, yeah. I think that's a really fun thing.

I don't dislike Audrey at all. I just wouldn't save her. I wouldn't run over to help her because I feel like Audrey… I look at Audrey, and I think of three letters, D-Y-R, Do your research.

She's like, Well, unfortunately, I went to a It was a BMAM event, and this is what I wound up with. My friend said, I shouldn't do it, and I'm too committed, so I have to see this through. To prove them wrong. But, yeah, it was a mistake. It was a mistake to do I'm the man.

Yeah. Rodrigo says, Well, I don't think she's too comfortable with Craig and Shep throwing him under the bus. But I mean, I do believe that the shit Shep was going around saying about him. No, I don't believe that. But if Austin has some hesitation about their relationship, I just want him to be up front with her.

Tyler's like, Yeah, stop stringing things along. He's like, I don't know. I was like, No, seriously. Too many fairy lights. Do we have to do this in the backyard so much? Can we stop stringing so many lights together? It's annoying me right now.

Now Austin and his sister Katie are out, and they're at Santee's Mexican restaurant. Austin's one of those people who goes to a Mexican restaurant and goes, Hola. We're here for some Mexicano food. Yeah, I'm I'm bilingual. Do you have some to status? Nailed it.

He's like, Behold Santee's. I love this place. Everyone at Santee's is like, Oh, God, behold the moron. Oh, God. Can I go on break? Table for two.

Table You, poor favor.

He literally says, Pour favor. I'm telling you, this is that guy. I know. He's like, Well, seriously, though, thank you for pulling the trigger with me. Thank you so I can't believe it took me this long to decide to get married to my own sister. She's like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,Yup. They got tattoos in honor of their sister. It's like the birthday. It's like, birthday of their sister who passed, and then the birthday of Katie's birthday. It's like, sister to sister. It's very nice, very lovely, especially in light of recent podcasts that were a bit insensitive about this situation.

Oh my God. Did you see that clip? Oh my God, the nick Vial podcast. Oh my God. Awful.

I went back and watched the rest. I was like,.

For those of you who didn't see it, Austin goes on their podcast, and they're like, Oh, great. Blah, blah, blah. Regular interview. So your sister died. Yes, yes. It was very sad. Yeah. So how did that happen again? And he's like, Well, we were... He tells a story, and she's like, So... They just got so weird about it. I was like, Is this a true crime dog? Are you trying to pin the murder on him? What is happening in this podcast? It was It was so uncomfortable. I think he handled it pretty well, but the Internet went crazy. They were like, Fuck you two. I was like, Yeah, what were you guys thinking on that one?

Yeah, that was-That was a deep dive into your sister's death.

Let's just keep asking question after question after question.

It was just a bit imp sensitive. Austin is like, Anyways, Ajri's coming in tonight, and Farad and Tyler's engagement party tomorrow. I'm so excited to see her because I haven't seen her in two weeks. I cannot wait. It's like, Excuse me, sir. The people at the next table are concerned that you're watering down their guacamole. Could you please just try to… Here's a shield from COVID. One of those clear shields. Just put it on your face. Thank you so much.

Katie's like, Okay, but have you guys even talked about if she was going to move here? Have you even talked about that possibility? He's like, No, I feel like it's a little bit like she's been living in the moment, and I've been living in the moment, and the moment she's not here, and that's a great moment. I love those moments. You really got to appreciate the moments that your girlfriend's not in town, which I do. That's been really fun. That's the moment we're living in. She's like, Okay, that was a whole lot of bullshit.

But you've been dating for a year and a half, and you're having hesitation about Audrey moving here. What is it that's telling you to not have her come here? If you're not gung ho, then what are you? He's like, gung no. High five, right? Oh, sorry. Hey, why are you sounding so aggressive? I just realized that was very anti your brother.

She's like, I love Audrey. He's like, I know. I know you know. She He says, Yeah, you need to feel gung-ho. I'm just going to say gung-ho a lot because you really need to be gung-ho. I just want you to be gung-ho. Why aren't you gung-ho?

Why aren't you like a Michael Keaton comedy? As the producer says-I was thinking of that, too.

That was a good one. Remember when he worked the car line? He had to make all the cars. It's a good one. Just a glimpse into America.

Yeah, gung ho. The producer is like, You're just not ready to take that next step. Or he was, Well, I have some reservations. It's insane not to. Much like I had some reservations about kidding cats. What I'm trying to say is Audrey is like a small little furry creature that I could use on camera to make people like me since I've had so many years of bad edits. Yeah, I guess when I think about Audrey, I say, Wait, this could be the last next step of my life. It's like, you ever see those movies where someone's walking up a staircase and then there's no more staircase, they don't realize, and they fall off a cliff and die? That's what she's like, the last step before that happens.

Austin is such a wuss in this situation. We all know that Austin has this girlfriend long distance, so he can repair his relationship, look at on camera, like he's being so good. And now he's going to be like, Oh, my God, I don't know if I can be with her because I'm just not serious enough, now that he's found someone else to fuck on camera, whose name is Sally. And so now he's going to get rid of this girl that he's been using as a placeholder, and he doesn't even have the nerve to do it alone. He's got to drag everybody else. He's got to bring a sister on TV to talk him out, to talk him into dumping her. You know what I mean? We all know that you don't like her. We all know you're going to dump her the second you found somebody else to bring on camera, which you did. Now you're going to make everybody else in your life come on and talk you out of it. Just grow up, dude. You're not into it. You've never been into it. Dump her. You've got cats now. You've got the reputation to be.

Yeah, got cats. Now and forever, he has cats. Katie is like, Is your benefit of stepping to be like, Do I miss you enough? Is it really what I want? ' What are you doing if you're not all in? Like Teddy Melen camp. He's like, Oh, well, it's like a meteor that's coming towards Earth. But I'm like, No, no, no. It's like in six months. I'm like, You don't have to worry about that meteor for six months. I'm just like, Whoa, I'm enjoying it, even though that's like a no, that's there, it's coming. What I'm trying to say is that Audrey is like a catastrophic event that will kill all of humanity. I'm just trying to enjoy myself before My life is like a barren wasteland full of dark skies and burning seas.

Wait, you're saying you want a thicker girlfriend? Like you want a meteor girlfriend? No, she's like an end of the world event. Audrey is the Apocalypse. She is zombies coming out of the ground to eat my fucking face off.

When I had sex with her, the only way I could imagine getting on Audrey is pretending I'm Bruce Willis being sent onto the meteor to blow it up from the inside. Do you know what I'm saying?

Okay, well, I don't want to put a dark cloud on us hanging out or anything like that. I mean, this has been fun talking about how Audrey is basically the end of the world. But I do understand now that you've told me that I need to be more gung-ho. Is that the word you use? Gung-ho. Be more gung-ho. Yeah. I need to have a very tough conversation. That is definitely in our imminent future. I said it in a minute. I said it in a minute.

Fast forward a day. Audrey, let me put it to you this way. I am like a Japanese auto manufacturer, and you are a meteor coming to destroy the cars. I don't know for the productivity of my Toyotas if that's going to be good for us. I'm going to need to send your meteor to a different car factory. Does that make sense? I don't know what advice your sister gave you, but you're really failing right now. Yeah. By the way, I had an extremely vivid dream about seeing a meteor shower last night, and it's It's clear. It's because of this stupid analogy that Austin made. Because I watched the show right before I went to bed, and clearly, I watched it. I had a dream about meteors because Austin mentioned meteor. So thanks a lot for incepting me, Austin.

God, you got incepted by Austin. That's crazy.

It's terrible.

Did you wake up with a wet face? You're like, Why do I have a bit of tortilla chip in my eye? So weird.

Why did I wake up saying, Por favor, good morning? Por favor, señorita.

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says, Part two. See you over there, suckers.

Watch what crap ends would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Allison block.

Our way is the Amber Way.

It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Put your hands together for Carly Clap.

Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offert. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela. Itchels. We never miss her call. It's Diane Call. Sunday in the Park with Dylan Clark. Big yay, it's Emily Gautier.

Erin McNicolus. She don't miss no Tricolus.

Hava Naguila Webber.

You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo. Jamie, she has no last namey.

Zip some Scotch with Jessica Tratch.

She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock.

Kristen the Piston, Anderson. Get a B in your bonnet with Lacy B. K-serah-serah, whatever will be, will Lauren Sillsby. She gets an A from us. It's Lindsay B. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Mazy McHinnery.

Aren't you glad it's Maryanne Arns?

Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the Berg.

This is living with Michelle Vivian.

I love a ya Olivia Williamson.

She sure is It's Raquel.

Yes, we can. It's Susanna.

Cast a spell with Shannon Speleman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge.

Darn Skippy. It's Tiffy. Our Super Premium Sponsors.

Make way for AJ Lopez.

Happy are we? It's Allison with an I. She's V VIP. It's Amanda V. Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.

Somebody get us 10 CCs of Betsey MD.

We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva.

Let's get real with Kaitlyn O'Neill.

Put us on a stretcher. It's Charlotte Fletcher. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily Sides.

Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland.

Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubs.

Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish, it's Jen Plish. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo.

She's a total knockout, it's Katie Manoch.

Let's get Savage with Laura Wildman. In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder She's a whiz, it's Liz Sarthe. Always killing it, it's Lola Alcalani.

The Incredible Edible Matthew Sisters. She eases our woes, it's Melissa Saint Rose. There's a chance of meet balls, it's Rebecca Cloud.

Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska. She's the Queen Bee, it's Sara Lemke.

We cannot tell a lie, it's Sara Tellef Sun.

Shannon, out of a canon, Anthony. Please don't stop at Soley and Pop. Let's take off with Tim La Plane. You'll always get the full story with Tori Horses.

She ain't no Shrinking Violet Kutcher. We love you guys.