Transcript of #3179 Southern Charm S11E08 Part 2: When Audrey Met Salley

Well, hello, and welcome to What's What Happens.

This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're like, Hey, wait a I didn't hear part one. Guys, it's because we put out a lot of recaps. Go back and listen to part one, okay? It's before this one. Bye. Enjoy the show. So Vanita and her mom go down the sidewalk walking hand in hand, and they go to a Dacri store. Zachary's Dacries, possibly. Zachary's Dacries. Is that the name of the place that was on Southern Charms, Zachary's Daquery's? Isn't that Vanita's place?

I forgot about It probably was.

And they got in trouble because they wouldn't let people in with tennis shoes or something. Zachary's.

Well, they're definitely a Dacri place that looks like an ice cream parlor. I'm not sure what's going on, but-Yeah, it's called the Wet Willies.

Oh, no, it's called the Wet Willies.

Oh, no, it's called the Wet Willies type establishment.

Yeah, they do have a place called Zachary's Dacries. That's probably what it was. I wonder if this is it.

Maybe. By the way, this would be a good time to mention that the Southern Hospitality trailer dropped today. It is so fucking amazing that if you're not watching Southern Hospitality, it's time to get on board. You have time now to catch up because it's… This is one of the best trailers that Bravo has done in quite some time, I would have to say.

Can't wait.

Yeah, it's really like a remarkable trailer. A rub-markable, rub-markable trailer. Okay, so Vanita and her mom, Vi, they sit down, and they're going to get some daqueries and everything. Vanita tells us, My mom and I get together often now, but it wasn't always like that because We're more similar than we are willing to admit, so we were butt heads. It took me moving out for us to build a true relationship, and that was eight years ago. You know that her mom's like, We're not more similar. You were just a brat. I'm I knew. I knew mom and I knew better. Okay?

You were an asshole, and you wouldn't stop finding out where I was on my iPhone and calling me and telling me to come home. So stop lying. And Vanita... So she asked Vanita, So what's going on with your love life? And she's like, Oh, big dog questions. Whoa, big dog questions, Mom. She's like, No, I just want some grandkids before I leave this world.

By the way, A plus Mom guilt right there. Just out the gates. Vinita is like, Okay, that's rude. Are you going to help me find the man? She's like, Well, I heard about this new concept called a BMAM. Have you tried one of those? Mom, not doing a BM-AM.

Now, Vinita is telling her what the mom really does not give a shit about. She's like, I want to hear about the future grandchildren, but instead, no, let's just talk about this stupid girl you're hanging out with. She's like, Oh, my God. Me and Sally are having a friendship hiccup. It's like,. Do you see the mom? Oh, God. If she had gotten alcohol in these days, be Nicoladas.

The mom's like, I don't know who Sally is. Is that your vacuum cleaner? She's like, No. Well, it's just really annoying right now because I've never had to deal with this as an adult and a man coming in the way of our friends. I told her, Go after your man, but don't call me when, when he it hurts your feelings. And her mom's like, That's mean. She's like, Whoa. Is it? Yeah. The mom's like, I just feel like a friend is a friend regardless, and a friend is a friend through the good times and the bad times. And I think you just keep offering grace. And, you know? I mean, there's literally a song that says, In good times, in bad times, that's what friends are for. Hello. We don't get super stressed together to not give you bad advice.

And she says, You should be sensitive to what the other one's feeling and saying, because at the end of the day, You get nothing for nothing. And good friendships are something that are very rare. And Vinita is like, Okay, well, thank you for coming and getting free daqueries, not being on my side, mother. But I don't think I was harsh towards Sally. I might be beating a dead horse at this point. Maybe I need to be a little more patient. And she's like, Yeah, it seems like you had a strong connection. I mean, that's good, right?

Can I go home now? She's like, I don't know. I'm just going to give you some generic advice.

Could I go back to the house that I finally got without you there? That would be great. Going to pick up this daquery check.

Okay. Yeah. So now we go over to Shep driving his car. Gosh, call, call, Rodrigo. And so then, what did we say we were going to call She Who Shall But Not Be Named, who shall not be named, who lives in our phones. That way she doesn't go off every time we mention her. Was it like, Bernat? Bernat. After my search, her, Hey, Bernat, call Rodrigo. Calling Rodrigo. But then Burnet hangs up by accident and Shep gets so mad. God damn, but fucking, why would you do that? I was just about to call Rodrigo.

Stupid Burnet. God, Burnet's better in Cuba. He calls, he calls. He finally gets him and he's like, Hey, friend, I'm back in Charleston, back from sunny, gorgeous Cuba. I got burned, though. Well, the trip was fantastic. My brother and dad, my cousin came down. You couldn't wipe the smiles off our faces, man.

Our pretty little freckled lips couldn't stop smiling. We see them jumping off a boat in Cuba, which is exciting. Shepp is like, Gosh, I'm really happy that we're able to do that, but where do we stand on the house, by the way? Because I'm going to have to move in with Craig, and I'm just not really sure I'm ready for that just yet. He's like, Well, I just went shopping and I found you a table that was from an opium den, so I thought that would be cool. Oh, cool. Yeah, that sounds awesome. Well, I'm going to go to Craig's home right now because I don't really have a… I don't know. I'm just homeless right now. Gosh, you're going to start making fun of my cans. Oh, gosh.

So he rents his house out during the summer, so his house is out of there. So without the new house ready, he's got to stay with the old Craigie Pooh. By the way, he gets $700 to $1,200 a night for that place. That's crazy. Maybe we want to rent things out. I know.

I know. Seriously, I should buy an Airbnb in Charleston and let it rip.

That's some good money. He thinks it's going to be fun. We think it's going to be a nightmare. I think we're all right. He gets to Craig's house, and he's already got his laundry ready to go. He's like, Hola, amigo, qué tal? Have you been talking to Austin? No. Why?

I've been in Cuba, so basically, I know Spanish now. It's like, Okay, well, I got some hot sausage and a New York strip, and I'm got some chicken breasts. Oh, gosh, that reminds me, you've come a long way since the back of barbecue. We see footage of them in that ill-fated barbecue that somehow has stayed in all our minds where they just were totally inept. I think that Craig threw frozen ribs onto the grill or something like that.

I think that was a… Wait, was that that time? Did he do it? Did he do it again? Because he also did it last year when he's like, Yeah, I'm the griller. Then he just opens a big bag of frozen meats, dumps it all onto the grill, and closes the grill. It looks delicious, Craig. It looks delicious.

It looks great.

This was also when Craig was compulsively lying and getting called out for it, unlike now, where he's just compulsively lying and getting past. Everyone pretends it's not happening. But- Not much. But Craig's chef goes, Did you flip the ribs? And he's like, I'm on my phone. I never smoked anything. What should I know about that? He's like, You said you were a grill master. Wait, you don't know how to grill? No, you claimed to be a grill master.

Uh-uh. So Shep is like, By the way, I might do a little bit of laundry at some point.

Is that cool? I've just got some sweaty, fishy clothes.

So Craig is like, Oh, my God. I used to be the messiest person in the world. And then something happened. I don't know what. But my house is a little bit different these days. I was like, Page came in and said, You have to get a cleaning lady. And stop acting like you're cleaning your own shit. You don't. No, you got cleaning ladies. You have cleaning ladies. You literally say it in one second later. He's like, I think just like Shep makes things feel very lived in. That's how I'll put it. So my cleaning ladies are on standby. I'm like, Yeah. So don't act like you are cleaner. You just have money so you can make yourself a pure cleaner.

Yeah. I was like, Yeah. These days, I'm really together, and I just like my house the way I like it. And you can afford cleaning ladies. It's okay.

I can afford cleaning ladies.

It's fine. So Chef was like, Wow, I feel like I'm back in my waiter days. I used to wait tables. I used to be like, Oh, gosh. How's everyone doing today? That wouldn't go back to the table, really. I wasn't very good at it. I can't imagine Chef serving other people.

I think what he meant when he said he used to wait tables was… I'd go to a restaurant and be like, When's my table going to be ready? Gosh.

When can you have any of those little buzzer things I can hold until my table is ready? Just so I can feel like I'm back in the job market.

He clearly, at 16, was working, had a summer job at the the country club that his parents were like, This way, he'll have work experience and understand what it's like to be a normal person. He brought hot dogs and fries out to people at their golf tables outside on the terrace. That's all that it was, for sure. It was not a real-deal restaurant.

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crap and commercial. So, Craig opens up about the drama with Sally. He's like, Well, there's some drama with Sally because we went to get chickens together. And then Sally was like, I've been catching some feelings. I'm saying I'm lacking you. I don't see it.

Wow. Chaos volcano.

Wow. As much as she acts like a guy, things take longer and hurt a little more and sting a little more because she's a girl.

Now, Charlie and I are going to go to this oyster farm, and we're just going to hang out because we haven't even had space to ever talk because Sally is cuckoo, crazy, stalker, clinger. Whoa, she's Chaos Volcano. Get her away from me. I hate her.

It'll not get date? Yeah, but Charlie's nervous because Sally's going to get mad now. Oh, yeah. I saw that craft store down the street shut down. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. Sally has an ownership thing over Charlie and her behavior like you used to do with Austin, I mean, it's like Austin She even cared about what you thought, and it sounds like Charlie still cares what Sally thinks.

I don't think that's fair because I never liked Sally. If I did, I would have had her stay the night when we were all there. I don't know. She's crazy. Kosh. I honestly believe that he wasn't flirting with Sally, but he loves to chat and talk. I mean, all the things this girl see his intimacy, Cribs just sees as being himself, like, flirting, inviting people over to stay the night making plans for the rest of their life with bees and chickens.

That's just Craig. Talking about how many kids they want in the form of chickens. Girls are dumb. You befriented somebody rather quickly and confided how you're like, Oh, man, she's different than what I originally thought like. What? And Craig says, Yeah, because after my breakup with Paige, I feel so free because that was totally my decision. I feel great about it. I was like, Hey, new friend, But somewhere, somehow, it went wrong.

It never went wrong. She said she had feelings for you, and then you said, I don't have feelings for you. Then he went and told everyone that she's a crazy person. So nothing went wrong. You just were being a jerk. By the way, did we not clock this last week? How blatantly obvious it is that Sally, trying to fill the void of Paige, got chickens? Like, chicken.

I know. No, we didn't clock it last week, and someone said it in the comment, of course, he's getting chickens because he lost chicken. Duh. Yeah, I didn't clock it. But it's sad.

I didn't clock it until right now at this moment.

Maybe that's why he resents Sally now because Sally actually has chickens. He's like, Oh, chicken. He sees her as like, Mother of chicken. He's like, Oh, they're all against me.

Yeah, he likes calling a girl chicken, but he doesn't like to actually own a chicken. That's it. Now we're at the engagement It's a party! And Tyler is moving some vases around, which is exciting. They're heavy. He's like, That's got to be 20 pounds. And they're arranging it. And then we meet Lisa. It's very scary. It's 20 pounds.

It's like me. I'm like, 20 pounds? No. Call it task, grab it.

So Lisa is their friend, and she has rented out or given the backyard for this Greek party, which doesn't look Greek at all, except they're all dressed in white. And Tyler's like, We did it, guys. It's transformed into a Greek palace. Thank you so much for hosting this. As you can see, by the fact that this looks like literally every other party we've ever thrown on this show, just people dressed in white with white linens and some flowers on tables.

Someone's backyard in 500 degree weather with sports coats on. That's just how we roll here. It's like, Oh, honey, you know how much I love you all? I'm just so proud of you guys. I'm just so happy to be a part of this, my two Greek gods. You're staying inside, right? Oh, okay. We're just using your backyard, Lisa. Okay, sorry. You don't really fit in here, Lisa. Austin arrives. Austin- It's the shirts. Austin brought two shirts to try. What's he going to wear? And Audrey's getting ready, curling her hair. And she's like, I brought the steamer. And so he's like, Are you excited to see Tyler and Rod? She's like, Oh, can't wait. I mean, he sent me the invitation, but where even is the invitation? Where's the party at? And he's like, Oh, is this the Isle of Palms, Chef's house? So near Shep's house. So who will be in attendance tonight? Of course. How do you feel about seeing Shep after he said all that bad stuff about you?

And she's like, Well, he's not my favorite person right now. I do love the continued tradition of long distance girlfriends on this show who hate Shep. Austin is like, Look, Shep feels really bad. It's Craig. He felt so bad. He said, Lociento, which I think he thought I went, I'm sorry, but I gave him a pass on that one. So, Craig has absolutely no fucking reason to explode at me the way he did because he's not feeling sorry. To try and embarrass me, it's insane right now, Audrey.

So we see that, the party where he had a car, they fought before. She says, Yeah, that's what pissed me off because he doesn't know anything about me. He doesn't even know me, and that's fine. I mean, look, there's so much to know about me. I hate traffic, traffic sucks, and I'm in traffic a lot, which is terrible. I mean, if only he I knew that.

Yeah. She's like, The thing is this. For him to make those comments, you're unhappy. He has no idea what goes on in this relationship. To be fair, I'm not sure you have any understanding of what goes on in this relationship. I don't honestly even know what goes on in this relationship because a lot of it is just me like, Hey, it's me, Audrey. Call me when you get this message. It's been a few days. Anyway, it just makes me feel like, Look, I have my head in the sand, which I don't. I I definitely don't have my head in the sand about the situation whatsoever. It just cuts to Austin looking himself in the mirror like, When should I tell her that she has her head in the sand?

He knows nothing about this relationship. I work so hard on this relationship, driving. This relationship has so many miles on it. We're not going to get a lot of money on trading on this relationship. I've driven a lot. It's been a lot of driving. He's just not paying attention to her, staring at his hair.

He's like, Would you be interested in a new Because apparently, I'm gung-ho. Okay? I don't know what that means. I'm a millennial. Basically, she's getting annoyed. She's annoyed at the guys for budding in, as usual. She's also annoyed at Austin that he's so forgiving of Craig.

Yeah. Austin's like, Yeah, I have a tendency to forgive Craig a little. You didn't forgive Craig. Why are you pretending you forgave Craig? You immediately went and stabbed Craig in the back five minutes after you forgave him. Let's not pretend Austin's a best friend either here. But I like that these guys just constantly use the women in their lives against each other. It's like, Okay, here's what these guys said about you. They hate you. Go get them. Okay, we don't hate Jeff anymore. Now, we hate Craig the most. She's like, Okay, I guess we hate Craig the most today. Jesus.

Well, okay. Well, here's the thing. Craig freaks out exponentially more than he should. Then it's back to like, Oh, hey, man, my bad. Let's be good again. It's like, You're exhausting me. Then he replaced me with Sally. It's insane right now. He basically says, And now, Craig had a fit on Sally. So the pattern continues. We see last night, we see It started last week. Again, Craig being like, She's crazy. Chaos, Sally. She's a chaos tornado. Wow.

Yeah. He has a lot to answer for tonight. She's like, Okay. Now we go back to the engagement party. People People are arriving. Austin is still digesting his Mexican food. He's like, Vamados. Vamados.

Turns out, Losiento does mean I'm sorry. That's crazy. The scene right now. Levas shows up and she's like, Hi. And Rodri goes, Oh, my God. Lava, very Greek. She's like, Yeah, it's Greek with a splash of senorita. A lot of Spanish influence on this episode. Yeah.

She So other people come, whatever. Madison's in there. Madison comes, she's boo. She's like, My titties are out today. And Leva says, You're pregnant. You're going to have a lot of titties coming up. They're going to be out for a long time, girl. And so she says hi to Austin and Audrey. Right when she comes over, Austin goes, Wow, look at her. And Madison says, I'm hanging in there. And Austin's like, Wow, you look great. So, Audrey, you need to go get a refresh on your She's like, No, I'm fine. He's like, Oh, okay. Well, I guess Audrey is going to sit here and talk to me while I talk to Madison, too. God, can I get a minute alone?

Madison's like, I'm honestly trying to see you, Audrey, here.

We see- He wasn't even offering to get her a drink. He's like, you want to go get yourself a refill? You can excuse yourself now, Audrey.

We get a flashback of Austin and Madison when they were talking over boiled crab, which is also… You just see a little flex of crab spewing out of Austin's face. He's like, I don't feel like I'm just going to fuck it. It's just so good and easy. I love a good, easy relationship. He's just like, Don't you feel like you're bored? He's like, What? Yeah. Madison's basically like… I think that Austin's making her believe that everything's perfect, but just unfortunate because all of us behind the scenes know, this isn't going to last.

She is not born for corn. That ain't going to last. I'll tell you, that's going to last as bad as much. It's a low-calorie snack in my household these days. Not long. Okay, what are the odds that Rod cries during a speech? She's such a pussy. All right, he's going to cry, I'll pay you 20 bucks.

Then Shep and Craig are arriving, and there's mosquitoes around them, and they're fussy because Craig is wearing a fedora, which doesn't really match the entire white. Everyone's wearing… He's wearing white, linen, whatever, but then it has this fedora propped on his head. He's like, I'm going to need some bug spray. Shep was like, I forgot my shoes. Like a dumb ass crunch.

Yeah. So they come in and- I didn't know it was an outside party. Shep sees… What did you say?

I didn't know it was an outside party.

Have you ever had an inside party on this show?

I know. Ever.

Shep's like, Wow, it's so awkward because Audrey is here. I don't know what Austin told Audrey, but I know my name was mentioned, and it probably wasn't mentioned in a wonderful light. He says hi, and they all say hi to her. She's like, Hi, how are you, Craig? He's like, I'm I'm here. I didn't know the party was outside. Did you know the party was outside? This is crazy. Is Greek outside?

I thought Greece was an indoors country. Then Craig is seeing Audrey, and he's like, he tells us, Come on, man, we all know you don't want to be with Audrey. Why are you still with her? Just break up with her. It's just so funny because I feel like Craig didn't appreciate it when people said that about Paige. Why are you with... Paige, why are you with Craig? You They clearly don't like him. It's time to move on. He'd be like, Wait a second. Now he's the one doing that.

That's literally all the guys on this show, especially these three, the three main guys. Every time the other ones have a girlfriend, it's like, Oh, my God. Taylor doesn't… Why is Taylor even still with Shep? Shep's not going to marry Taylor. What are they doing? Because they all know each other so well, they know that they're all faking it. I don't think Craig was faking it, but I think that they all want them, each other, to be the whole time.

Right. So, Molly and Whitney arrive, and Whitney is like, Congratulations. I would have brought you a gift, Tyler and Rodrigo, but I was waiting for the registry to come in, so I didn't buy you anything. So, sorry about that.

Rodrigo says, Yeah, well, it's the Charleston Animal Society, so just give it all to them. Are you an idiot? This is your time. The gay people did not fight in the streets for your right to get married, so you could just ask for nothing for your wedding. This is our time. You You better go get your $5,000 plates. You better stand up for the gaze. Give it to the fucking starving dogs. Get the fuck out of here. We fought for your rights. Get out there and get some money off these straight people.

Yeah, seriously. Then Sally and her friend, Riley, arrive, and Sally's like, We're so cute. Why, oh, God? Why is the first person I got to see, Craig? Oh, no. She comes in, and then she says hi to everyone. Vanita, now that her mom is like, You She's been a shitty friend, takes some lessons from Deon Warwick here and Bert Beckerack. Okay? And Vanita is trying to be nice. Now, she's like, I miss you. I miss you so much. I really miss you. And so I was like, Do you? Because you sure did run out on me the other night with a quote. I'm kidney infection, whatever. Hey, you're on my dress, bitch. Get off my dress. She's like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We're not fighting. No, no, no. Too late. Too late. You're on my dress still. I got to get a drink as soon as you get off my dress, bitch.

So they're nice to each other. But Sally says, I'm tired the drama with Venita. I'm just tired of walking on eggshells, literally. I just want... Popcorn's already leaving them everywhere. It's almost like she's controlling us. She's not being a good friend right now, so I'm choosing to walk. God damn it, I just stepped on... Do you have chickens here? Why am I always stepping on these things?

They hurt. Then Madison's like, Hey, does anyone want to see a picture of my baby? She shows up the blobby ultrasound picture that still, to me, makes no sense.

She's like, Wow, look at this Look at this large piece of bread I swallowed. I'm like, What are you showing me?

Look at this melty candle rendering of something inside me. Just wait for the baby to come out, and we'll look at the pictures then. So Whitney's like, Are you having a gender reveal party? And I was like, Are you insane? Arthur gives an, Are you insane? Because there was a gender reveal party at your house, Whitney.

They literally cut to them sitting around opening dresses and everything being pink, and Whitney being like, Wow, what a fancy dress you got her mother. Madison's like, Yeah, we had a pink party in your front yard because it's a girl. And he's like, Oh, congratulations.

Congratulations. Don't you remember DJ Randy was on the turntables? He got electrocuted that day by the turntable, but he was there. He was literally on the turntable. He flopped over onto it. We had to resuscitate him. Charlie arrives, and now, Craig is talking to Steven, the guy who thinks everything is amused. Oh, Steven. Oh, my God. I was so glad that he was back, and I was so upset that he was only in this one moment because Craig was like, Hey, guys. How's it going? Steven was like, Oh, this is a stupid America. I remember you. You said the stupid thing that you thought taffy wasn't a real thing. Oh, God, I love you. He's precious, so dumb, but so hilarious. Say something else dumb. Do it, do it. Just say anything, anything.

Slate in your accent. I don't have an accent. You do. It's a dumb person accent. Just say anything. Say maths. Say maths.

Maths.

Do you hear the way he says Maths? I love how messy he is because Craig is talking to Sally, and so Steven's like, Oh, look at that. I feel a change of energy there. Did I feel a change of energy? I don't know what it is. Charlie's your name? Interesting name. I don't know. It just felt like the minute you saw him, it was like, Boom, boom, romance going off my ride. God, people love stupid people. Stupid people love stupid people. It's what this country was founded on, wasn't it? God, hug each other. It's like watching two bricks Two bricks of brains just clunking together. God, I couldn't ask for anyone more stupid to be together. Congratulations, you two. Please don't procreate.

Meanwhile, Charlie is reenacting the end of Goodfellas. She's looking up in the sky for a helicopter. Do they see me? Do they see us? Am I being followed? Oh, God. Oh, God. It's all happening. It's all happening. Okay, Craig, we cannot be seen. Can we go inside, please? Sally's going to find us very soon. Oh, my God. I can't do this.

Marriage's mouth is ringing. She's like, Oh, my God, Sally is going to kill me. Please make this guy stop talking about us getting married. Have babies soon, stupid people.

I never thought Americans could be funnier than when they're being dumb, but when they're being scared, they're even more hilarious. Oh my God, Charlie, you are hilarious and amazing.

Is this where the term scared stupid comes from, or is it stupid scared? I get it mixed up in my head sometimes. You're rubbing off on me, aren't you? Run along, you two.

Sally and Charlie say hello to each other, and it's fake intense. Charlie's like, You look so cute. You look so cute. You look cute. You look cute. Everything's fine.

Yeah. So, Rodrigo gives a speech. It's really romantic. He's like, Okay, first of all, wanted to thank everybody for coming today. Second of all, I'm working on my kitchen. Please stop writing about it. Tyler. Tyler's great. Okay, everybody. Thanks for coming. Save the dogs.

So then, it's a really, really wonderful, boring speech. Commercials. Here comes one right now. Then Austin is like, Hey, Audrey, you want to go down to the dock? She's like, Yeah, sure, I guess. Then I'm like, they go down to the dock. And then Shep is talking to Craig and said, Craig, what are you doing? I want to give Austin and Audrey some privacy, but does she know that he has said a couple of things to other people? That's insane, right? I'm going to do the Austin line. It's insane right I have no idea. It's not my fucking business to tell her. It's my business to tell other people to have them tell her.

These guys were such assholes. Austin's down on the little gazebo dock thing, hanging out with Audrey, and they're like, Oh, my God, that's breaking them up. How can we find a way to ruin their day. Audrey is here one time a month. Let's fuck it up. Or let's make her cry. Meanwhile, Audrey is like, Can we take a picture? Austin's like, Whoa, look at my jupet. What the fuck? Or they say in Spanish, My tupito. Wow, it looks like I'm wearing a jupet. What the hell was that? You still like me even though I'm wearing a jupet.

Then Craig is still talking about Austin. He's like, You want to marry her? You've been together for two years. You need to know that. If you don't, then you're in the wrong. Get out. Stop. This is a very rich coming from Craig.

When you're with somebody for two years, that's it. She's like, Wow, two years is good. I mean, at age 36, I mean, I guess you ought to know. And you, too, sir. He's 38. Fucking hypocrite.

He's 38. It's not fair to the person. Austin is like, Yeah, Audrey, just give me a kiss. Let's go back up there. So they go back up. And then Charlie and Craig are talking, and Charlie's saying, Hey, so I just wanted to chat, see what's up because I finally talked to Sally. Yeah, and I feel like there was weirdness between her and I. And honestly, I'm really scared. I got to go. I'm like, I'm losing my mind right now. Okay, really? Please say something to her. Please, I can't live like this anymore. I'm going to have to craft again if this doesn't get better.

I'm like, Oh, so Craig is going to go talk to Sally now. He's like, All right, I'll go talk to her then if it's going to make Charlie feel better because Charlie is terrified to date me unless she gets permission from Sally. So, So he's like, Yeah, I don't want Sally to be sad for anything I said, but she's put me in a weird position because she's always going to be between me and Charlie. No, it's because she was literally between you and Charlie in a hot tub because you created that situation. You fucking loser, Craig. Take responsibility for once in your life. So he goes up to her to talk, and she's with Madison, and she orders a non-alcoholic beer. She's like, I need a non-alcoholic beer in a break. Oh, no. Madison needs a non-alcoholic. Anyway, who cares?

Craig comes over. Matt is pouring the non-alcoholic beer on the floor for Karen to lick up. You want that?

You deserve it, Karen. Well, just kidding. I didn't drip it. Here it goes. No, didn't drip it yet. I dripped it. Karen's just You're going to fucking kill me already.

So, Craig is like, So, anyway, here's my hat. I'm going to lay my hat down, Sally, just to show, just to show how contrived I am. I'm going to lay down, Sally. I don't get the reference, Craig, but you hurt me. And so Matt's like, Well, this is awkward as fuck. And by awkward as fuck, super entertaining. I'm just sitting right here, enjoy this. Okay, you guess that.

Well, but it's not my intent at all. My intent was to lay down my hat. Yeah, but I just want to know why you wrote me off so quickly, Craig. He's like, I didn't write you off. I don't write. Ask anybody. I don't even sign checks. I have somebody do that for me. It's hard.

My handwriting is chicken scrawl. See, I knew you wanted me to have those. Wait a minute.

Look.

Wait a minute. Sally's like, Austin told me you're done with my friendship. What? Who told you that? Austin. Remember when I just said Austin told me you're done with my friendship?

Dumb ass. We see a flashback of Sally saying, What did he say about me exactly? You're a tornado. Then you leave a path of destruction wherever you go. He was very quick to be like, Me and Sally are done. And Craig said, What?

I wish I had shown a flashback because I don't remember. Did Craig actually said that he and Sally are done? Because I don't remember, and I was not willing to go back and look at the scene.

No.

You remember?

Probably. I don't know. It sounds like him. So, Craig's like, That is insane. A lot of people are saying that word a lot today in this episode. Is that not what you said then? He goes, No. Why aren't you starting to put things together here? You let my fucking enemy get involved with our friendship. She's like, Wait, so you didn't No, I'm about to explain to you what I did. Okay, what I said. Okay. You let... No, what you did. No, what I did was let you let you come between my enemy. Who are we talking about? Austin. Damn it. Okay, well, you know what? You all figured this out because this is too much stupid for me to deal with. So I'm just going to go over there. God damn it. You people are dumb.

Craig is mad at Austin for getting in the middle of his friendship with Sally while Craig is actively trying to figure out a way to get in the middle of Austin's relationship with Audrey. So just wanted you to know. So getting in the middle of someone's relationship, totally cool. Getting in the middle of someone's friendship who you did talk shit about, bad. Not only that. Because, by the way, Craig said all these things. Craig said all these things, and he's just mad that he got caught.

And not only that, Sally has something legitimate to say. I just heard you say all this mean stuff about me. Craig's response is to make it that Sally is in the wrong because Sally let Austin say all these things that Craig- Believed him. So now he's going to be mad as Sally.

You believed a guy whose main goal in life is to tear me down. And Craig's like, See how awful it is being friends with Austin? He runs to Sally and tells her something that he knew would hurt her feelings just to get between us. I'm like, as if you have not been a little narc so many times on this show as well. Because that's what you guys do. You just had a lot of each other. But also, you chose not to go to the slumber party. He had some meltdown because Austin defended Sally. Then Austin comes in like, Where's Craig? He's like, Oh, well, Craig was talking shit about you.

I think he's right that Austin is an asshole for doing that because it was only going to hurt Sally. But, Craig, you did that on... You said all that stuff on camera to the whole group of guys. You were publicly dissing this check. Then what? Just hoping that she would never see It's not going to be it. I mean, come on.

Yeah, exactly. Then because what happens is, well, what happened is that Austin doesn't say anything, and then Sally gets mad at Austin. I just wish that in that moment, you would have told me because I thought we were better friends than that. He's just like, whatever, fuck it. Like, Craig I still have no loyalty to me. I know he talks shit about me, but I actually have a good friendship with Sally, so I'm going to let her know. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here defending Austin.

It's so ridiculous that we can still get so worked up over this stupid show. They do the same thing all the time to each other, and every time it's like it's brand new. I cannot believe he is turning it on a woman now. Like, of course he is. He's like, Well, what I'm upset with you is that you trusted him more than me because I didn't go around your enemies and say a bunch of shit about you. She's like, No, you went around her friends and said a bunch of shit about her, which is even worse. She's like, Well, I didn't know Austin was your enemy in this moment. He goes, Yes, you do. You know how he treats me. I thought we were really close friends, and I really enjoyed our friendship. Well, I agree, and that's why I was heard from what people were telling me.

I also, honestly, I think it's shitty that Craig is going around this guy that he's ostensibly... They're still brothers or whatever, and they did just make up. Even though there's some pettiness going on, that now, Craig is going around saying that Austin is his enemy. I think that's actually a pretty harsh thing to say about someone.

Also, I'm confused about the timeline of things because they went to that restaurant, by the way, which we know is their restaurant. It's Austin and Craig's Why are they in a restaurant partnership together that they're not talking about? I don't know. I don't understand the whole thing. Why haven't they brought that out on the show? They're acting like their enemies, but they're really opening this restaurant together, and that's the real plot. I'm confused.

Yeah. The gays cut their cake, do the thing where they wipe frost on each other's nose as if that's new and novel and clever. Then Shep's like, Guys, I got a party bus for us so we can leave this shitty party and go to Islander 71. If you're interested, let's go. Everyone's like, Bye, bye. We just leaves the party like, Oh, my God. Thank God we could end that stupid, stuffy-ass party. So they all get on the bus. And then Shep is like, Gosh, I can't believe Whitney's here. It's like Bigfoot coming out. ¡Guau! Nosotros, vámonos. I just got back from Cuba, so I know Spanish now.

So they get to a place called Islander 71, and Vanita falls right out of the bus, which-Yup. As it happens. They go in, and... Poor Vanita. They go in, and Craig's like, Hey, Sally, I'm going to say hi to Charlie, but are we good? She's like, Yeah, we're good. I accept his apology because I like being on good terms with fathers of my chicken children. It's important. We've still got to talk about custody arrangements, and when's he going to come see me? Do I still get a mother's day gift?

But you know what? I'm going to be on good terms with him, but it's going to be hard because I do believe Austin 100 times a % more than Craig. Then Sally is walking through. They're all like this. A bunch of them are sitting at a table, and Sally goes and says hi to everyone. Audrey goes, Hi. Then Sally says, Hi to Leva and other people, but she totally ignores Audrey, and it's not the first time. So, Audrey was like, What the fuck? She walked past me three times, I was like, Hey. I was the only one that she didn't say hi to. I was like, Who's Sally? Yeah, Sally. Sally, that girl? Yeah. Who else would I be talking about? What are we talking about again?

So, Craig goes to Charlie, and he's like, Hey, Charlie. She's like, Oh, my God, you recognize me? I was trying to wear a disguise. I just don't want anyone to see me here. I just feel like such a terrible person. You're not wearing a disguise. Oh, you're right. Well, damn it. I should have. I feel terrible. Sally's over there. Did you talk to Sally? How did it go? What happened with Sally? He's like, Well, we talked. So what are your questions? She's like, Well, I don't want her to be mad at me for encouraging you to go talk to her. Did you tell her I encouraged you to go talk to her? Did you just talk to her on your own? I I'm a guy. I could look like a total creep here.

Charlie was like, I don't want her to be mad at me for going on a date with you. Then it went to, I don't want her to be mad at me for talking to you. Now, I don't want her to be mad at me for telling you to go talk to her to stop being mad at me. Girl, lean in. Just lean in. It's okay.

If you're going to do it, just do it. Just say, I have the right to date him, too, and I'm going to date him. I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings. We can talk about it all you want to, but stop crying in a corner. It's so weird. But of course, Craig loves it because girls fighting over him, so he loves it.

On the heels of Aju being like, That girl, Sally, is ignoring me. She's being a bitch to me. I was like, Got it. It goes up to the bar where Sally is. He goes, Hey, Sally sells seashells down by the Seashore. How are you? That's insane right now. How many seashells did you sell today?

Pits his arm around her. No like, Hey, did you see Audrey over there? She said you didn't say I. Nothing. He's just like, Hey, sexy. What's up? And Audrey is watching this. Then we go back to Charlie and Craig, and she's like, Oh, my God, did you have a good conversation with her? Was it a conversation? Did you bring up the chickens? I hope you asked how they were. She's going to be mad at me if you didn't bring up the chickens. She really cares about those chickens.

Then Sally is telling Austin, Craig told me he did not wrap my friendship off. You said that to you? Yeah. Wait, who said that to you? Craig. God, why can't you guys keep up with the simple information? Well, I don't think I did say that he wrote their friendship off because Craig doesn't write.

We all know that. Well, then, but that's what he said, too. It's comical. This is comical. Comical, man.

This is- So comical.

This is comical.

Is it 1986 and Crystal and Whoopie Goldberg and Robin Williams on my screen? Because it is comic relief happening right now. Seriously.

Did a bunch of starving children just get fed? It is comical. This is comical.

As Paula Poundstone here because this is a night of comedy.

Back to Craig and Charlie. He's like, But I want to be okay to hang out. She made it sound like it wasn't. She goes, No, it is. It is okay. It is okay. I want to continue to hang out with you, too. Well, one on one. Oh, my God. Are we married? Should I call my sister? She's really looking forward to this.

Then Sally is like, I'm telling you, okay, Craig is not your friend, Austin. He calls you his enemy. What? He said that to you? Okay, well, I believe it. It doesn't bother me. Whatever. I'm totally chill. Okay, because you know what? We don't have a podcast anymore. I don't give a fuck what he thinks about me. I literally don't even…

And your girlfriend hates me. No, that's not true. That's not true. I'm drunk. I'm going to stop talking. I'm just going to stop talking. I'm going to stop talking right at the part where I could have made things okay with you and my girlfriend.

Then Craig and Charlie are watching Audrey, and Craig is like, What do you think Audrey thinks right now that Sally and Austin are belly to belly at the bar? Should we get in the middle of their relationship? Because I hate when people get in the middle of my relationship, but I'll do it to Austin.

It looks like Audrey is going over there, but she doesn't. She goes and sits at a table way far away from everybody, but right in Austin's line of sight, so he knows she's pissed.

She walks by to be like, Hey, I'm walking by, but I'm not saying hello, but you should see me right now. This is an indication that you need to pay attention to me, and I'm going to go sit far away so you see I'm alone right now, metaphorically and physically.

Yeah, so he's like, Whoa, did I lose Audrey? Where'd she go? So, Craig has to point out where she went. She's sitting alone, and she's like, It's doing. So he's like, Are everything okay? She's like, We need to talk. And then we see them start to She's telling them off. Everybody at the bar is watching. What's going to happen? Poor Audrey. What's going to happen?

Poor Audrey. But, yeah, that was it. Exciting times there at Southern Charma. Tomorrow, we have a big day. We have Beverly Hills, we have Valley Persian Style, and most importantly, The Traders. We have a big day of recording tomorrow. Come join us. Come join us also at the Crappies in late February. Links on our website and on our social media, and we will catch you on the the next episode of Watch What Happens. Bye, everyone.

Bye.

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