Transcript of #3180 RHOBH S15E06 Part One: Comparative Literature 101

Well, hello, and welcome to Watch What Crap-in, the podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker. And joining me today, the one and only, Roni Karem. Hi, Roni. How's it going?

Hi, Ben. What's going on with you today, Honey pie?

So much. So much is going on because my head is full of Beverly Hills, which we're about to talk about. The traders, which we're going to talk about on Patreon today. Shore Valley, Persian style. We'll throw that in there, too. It's taking up some head space. I mean, everything's in my head at the moment. So I'm bursting at the seams. We are closing in on our date for the Golden Crappies. That's about a month away in change. So come join us there. Our tickets are on sale at watchourkrappins. Com. It's going to be a blast. It's going to be wonderful. It's going to be great times. Keep an eye out for the ballots that will start coming out. Round one will be general voting. Round two will be the official ballot. And we have Krappins on demand on our Patreon. Also, ad free. If you are a Patreon supporter, you get ad free. Watch for Crap-ins as well. Patreon. Com/watchforcrappins for all that good stuff. By the way, hey, I feel like we haven't really mentioned this that much, but a week before the crappies, we're going to be in Miami, and we're performing at the South Beach Food and Wine Festival, which is really, really cool.

I think we're on the same lineup as Carla Hall and some other really cool food people, Elvis Duran Morning Show. That's just going to be fun. We're just doing that for fun over there. Catch us in Miami if you're down there, and let's all party.

That is all the- We also got a new feature coming this weekend to Patreon, and this is actually free on Patreon. You can just go be a member of Patreon and not pay us anything. That's fine. But it's a newsletter, and it's a diary of what went on during the week and the week in Bravo in general. It's going back to our old blogging days. So check that out. That'll be out either late night or tomorrow over on at a Yom. So check that out. That's free. That's free.

Free. That's not like you can just... You can just read it and then be free. You can just read it. You can get it in your inbox.

Just get it in your inbox. We're just trying to centralize everything over there because it's easier for you guys to have one central place to find everything than be going to a million different blah, blah, blah everywhere. Yes, absolutely. So today is Real Housewives with Beverly Hills. Season 15, episode 6, Star Signs and Bad Times.

Yes. I felt like this was the first good episode of the season. I mean, the episodes have been fine. This is the first one where I was like,. This is the first one where I was like, wow. This is the first one where I was I think I was invested the way I felt like I should be for a Real House House of Beverly Hills episode. What about you, Roni?

Ben texted me last night during the episode and said, This episode is actually really good. Signs of life.

Yeah. For sure. I think we've been watching, we've been watering the Amanda plant, and the first sprouts are coming up, meaning in the sense that the women have been slowly getting annoyed by her, and now it's starting to bubble out. That's what I've been waiting for all season is the conflict to brew. That made me really happy. Of course, there was a mix of tragedy in there as well.

Just kidding. We're like, wow, Amanda really did great last night. It's like trauma. It's like all trauma. We're all trauma-bonded after the episode. We're like, what a great episode. It's like the most depressing thing ever that happened. I know. There was a lot of horrible stuff that happened, too. But still, I mean, the funny comes out in Dorit just being so completely tone deaf and unable to read a room.

Especially after what Dorit went through and how angry she was at Sutton for being equally tone deaf in that moment. It's good to see what goes round comes around. But we begin in Beverly Hills. Look at all these brands, Louis Vuitton, Balenciaga, Kyle by Aaleen, Shadow of a Past Time. It's the typical stuff with like, byland.

Kyle by Aaleen, nevermore.

We see Kyle's Driveway, and their driveway is just full of black cars. It looks like this is where the motorcade parks. When a president's in town, they park in Kyle's driveway until the president's- Kyle doesn't have enough money for all those Birkins, so she's starting her own Uber fleet over there.

Just lots of giant black cars.

She can't find her car. She has all the same-colored car. I mean, it's like she's going to rob a bank or something, and it's like, Which one is the get-to-a-car? She also winds up having a lot of trouble getting out of her driveway. I'll tell you why, because she's got too many tall hedges around that driveway. That's why you don't have tall hedges around your driveway, because inevitably, you're going to need to do some K-turns, and those hedges get in the way. You need to give yourself a little bit of space because your tire can stay in the driveway, but your car butt can poke out into where the hedges are, and now you've lost that space. So, fuck you, Kyle.

Then we got a sentence. She's opened packages, and she's got a little fly mask and hoof covers for her horse. She's like, Wow, I'm a horse girl. I love horses. It's my horse. That horse really hurt my feelings. Fuck you, horse. Then we go to Erica.

Fuck you, horse.

Fuck you, horse. I talked to my mama. Everything's better now. She keeps relying on this like, Wow, I went to my therapist, Reba. Sutton, you're basically illustrating your problem. Your therapist is Reba. You need to go to real therapy, okay? No one should be calling your mother. No one should be calling their mother for therapy in general, anyway, but particularly your mother. Your mother's horrifying. What are we going to get next? Muzzie for good after lunch hugs? No. No one needs that. No one needs Reba.

Well, we go to Erica's house where we get our traditional top of the episode. Erica does some things around her house. She's just like us, and so she's doing some things, and Erica's like, Look, not everybody on the rest of us by my homemaking skills. She basically dusts a chair outside. Look at me. I'm just like every other American out there, dusting off a chair.

I'm just like you, just dressed a lot more stupidly I'm going to be. That's a miracle. Then we go to Rodeo Drive, and there's this song, I guess they go to a store called What Goes Around, Comes Around.

Oh, really? Justin Timberlink memorabilia. What Goes Around, Coming Around.

Rachel comes in. She's like, I just wanted to know if you had a new jacket from the brand. This is going to ruin the tour.

Oh, my God. My bag. I want this right away. Oh, my God. Chanel, black caviar, supermodel XL, $11,500. Oh, my God. It's mine. It's mine. I literally, I die. I die. The vendor's like, Oh, my God. This is literally your closet, Rachel. It's like my closet. I feel like I'm in my closet and outside there's Kai Kai, and he's I'm knocking on the door and be like, Mom, can I get a Caprice sun? I'm like, Kaya, so you can get whatever you want because you're so moisturized. You're a great sun. Oh, my God. I die.

It's like literally a disease how I shop. I literally cannot stop shopping. It's like a drug. I'm dead. Slow motion, Rachel. I'm dead. There's a certain a gay that is bred only to please real housewives. I feel like maybe an the character following the housewife along her journey, just there to be like, make a left up there, make a right up there. You're doing great. And this gay is one of those, and he was cracking me off this whole time. He was just like, Wow, Rachel, this is basically your closet Am I right? Do a twirl on that. Get that watch. You better get that watch, Rachel. Yes. You're going to buy that? It's going to complete you.

Yes. Yes. Yes. He's just really just there to give affirmations to a lady who's shopping.

Yeah, he's so good at it. He made me feel good. I wasn't even shopping. She's taking a little treat out of her purse. Open up, gay. Here you go. You did great. You did great.

But it's nice because he gets so excited to see her excited. When I am in that role, I'm like, That's nice, but I'm bored. I think it's really cool that this is able to access a pleasure zone for him in a way that it can't for me because I try. I try to sometimes be a fashion gay, and I pay attention more to fashion now, but more like men's fashion for myself. But I struggle to really connect with women's fashion with the same attention that these other gays do. It's cool. It's cool, but I'm not built for it. It's sweet. I'm not built for it.

It's sweet. It's like his calling. He's just called to do it, and that's what he feels. It doesn't even have to be fashion. He could be working at a cookie store. But if the housewife comes in there, he's going to be like, Oh, my God, yes, this is your cookie. Yes, Snicker Doodle. You better Snicker that Doodle. Yes, you're killing. It's like just pleasing his master, his natural master in the food chain, the real housewife.

The sidekick in the sidekick world. Well, I would become that in a cookbook store, I will be honest, or a restaurant supply store. I'd be like, Oh, my God. Bitch, get a sheet pan. Yes. Oh, I love this for you. Do you have She has cast iron skillet? Oh, yeah. Get a 10-incher. If you like it, move up to 12-inch after that. Oh, yeah, she is. Beautiful. I will access it there, but I will not access it at what goes around comes around.

You never know. They could come out with cookware. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crap and commercial. Rachel is now trying on a $5,000 jacket. Then Boze comes and Boze is like, Oh, my God, a Rolex. I have to have this Rolex. He's like, Oh, my God, two house rides at one time. Hold on. Let me grow another head so I can talk to you about. Yes. Another little gay head pops up. He's like, Yes, get the Rolex. Yeah, let's get the jacket. That Rolex is you. That jacket is your soul.

Dead, dead. Double-headed dead. Do you have a dead head?

I'm glad there's two of you here to watch me die.

I'm going to name left head Bam and right head Nanas. Yes. So Boze is like, Well, I might have to get it. I really can't be trying other things, though, because TMI, I'm bloated. But not because of anything I ate, girl. It's because of medication. And Rachel's like, Oh, yeah, I was praying for you. How did it go, the medication and the things you were doing? I was praying for the things, et cetera. So good. In two days, I'm going back to Vegas, and Keely and I will come with me and I'll get my eggs retrieved, and the doctors say there's a 40% chance that it'll just be some poker chips. But who Who knows? What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas.

What is it with Real Housewives refusing to do egg retrieval in their cities? I mean, you've got Quad, who's like, I'm going to Ghana. I'm going to Ghana for my eggs. Then you've got this one who's going to Vegas. I mean, Vegas is a lot closer than Ghana.

Well, I mean, Ghana, I understand.

Is there just no good egg stuff in where you live? Atlanta has a pretty big, huge, great medical community, and I'm sure Beverly Hills does. At the very least, in Beverly Hills, you can get your eggs, and they'll already have their cheeks done right there in the little Petri dish.

Yeah. Well, I understand with quad, there's a spiritual connection to the land, it seems like. Then With maybe Bo's going to Vegas, it's like knowing that you can get egg retrievals and then actually a side of eggs and bacon for $2 as part of the Vegas special.

Vegas doesn't charge you by the egg. They charge you by the experience. I got 37 eggs. I went to a buffet of eggs.

Well, the truth is this. I know I can retrieve my eggs here in Beverly Hills, but if you do it in Vegas, Criss Angel performs it for you, and it's just fascinating.

I want my baby to be there while Adele has a residency.

It's like the guy in the middle of the sky as you have the dragon. He's like, Time to get your eggs.

Carrot tops pulling your egg out of a chest. She talks about her ultrasound. She's like, Oh, it showed six egg houses. They were all modern farmhouse. I know this baby will fit in in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. They can retrieve the eggs. I'm ecstatic about the eggs because the more eggs I have, the more hot sauce I'll have in my refrigerator.

Kyle is already jealous because she heard that Boaz is getting up to three more houses. What? She's getting three houses? That's like 15 more cars for me.

I'm going to have to buy 15… Three more houses. It's going to be 15 more cars to park out front.

Oh, my God. I can't believe she's doing that. Now we're back from Boaz talking about that, and she's like, Well, Rachel, I know you're having a party on Friday. She's like, No, you have to come. It's going to be so fun. I die. But I understand. I understand. I got it. Oh, my God, sunglasses. Okay, whatever you're talking about, that was cool. But look, look, sunglasses. Oh, my God. Price tags. It's so chic. Love it.

By the way, can I point something out about the trip? I'm not even kidding. I'm a winget person, as you know. I just roll into my life. Whatever the fuck happens, happens, as long as I'm in some a caftan.

Yeah, that's why- But I think for... Oh, God. I'm such a wing-it girl that I totally FedEx my wardrobe ahead of time so that way be ready for me when I got there. I just wing-it.

I think for Amanda, everything has to be laid out. I think she's very systematic. By systematic, I mean…

She pervades all of our culture.

She's a dumb owner. This is the unspoken of what I'm saying.

It's systematic, Amanda-ism. So systematic. It's systemic.

You know what? Amanda is systemic.

Then we see flashbacks of Amanda in the kitchen being like, Oh, so when are we having dinner? Because I don't understand the timing. Should I be here? Should I not be here? When are we going to eat? Which I think is, to her credit, a very fair question to ask if people are down there and they're cooking, but no one knows when the actual dinner is.

Yeah, this is when housewives start that they hate somebody, and they're just trying to put feelers out to see if you hate them, too. She's like, I don't want to just say she's a dumb bitch who wears labels incorrectly, so I'm just going to call her systematic. What do you think about that? Let's start baby systematic. She's systematic. Baby steps to bitch, systematic, go.

She's systematic, automatic.

Criostatic and dramatic. She's systematic, It's not bad. Missy Elliott. I don't think those are the lyrics. Oh, my God. It sounds like Vegas. My eggs are ready.

Amanda, now it's the next morning. Okay. I'm sorry. No, it's not the next morning.

No, she's still talking about Amanda being systematic, how she has to do everything planned out. Then we see a clip of Amanda being like, I made my first list for my future ideal husband when I was 13, so I made a list. I've had a list for 20 years. I'm systematic. She's like, See? Systematic. It's even in the flashback. It's so systematic.

It's so systematic. So Boze is like, Well, her dropping that information about her friend and Avi, that was not accidental. And Mitchell's like, I don't think anything she does is accidental. And Boze is like, Well, she wanted to drop it in there and perhaps gain some points. But the problem is that backfired. And then all of a sudden, it's like, and then we go over to Amanda's Newport Beach rental home, and it's all beachy, and there's flags out there, and all the kids are running around. And Amanda's like, Shoshana? Shoshana? Because, of course, she has a kid named Shoshana. Shoshana? Would you mind rollerblading around the house at a slightly lower speed? Shoshana? Shashi? She's just like a blur. Shosh.

Shoshana is going in circles around I'm on the kitchen island really fast. Like, Whatever, mother, I know the rules. And Eddie's like, Bye, Felicia, because the kids go outside. So they leave. And Amanda tells us that they rented a place in Newport Beach, and they just loved it so much that now they're there every weekend. And it's basically like raising her children in the '80s because they're not on screens.

Just an ideal place to live.

Newport Beach. Old-fashioned Newport Beach.

Just like raising your kids in the good old simple day. Amanda and Eddie are sitting down in the living room, and Amanda's like, Oh, I wanted to tell you about the Sedona trip while the babies are napping in the big kids are at. He's like, Yeah. You guys flew into the small Sedona airport? Yeah, it was the small one, not the big one for the people with money. Ps, I like Erica. Remember when I said that she was the one who said, Boring, when I ordered a mocktail? Remember that story I told? It was so funny. Okay, in recap, I ordered a mocktail and Erica went, Boring. I was like, I got you. I understand you. Anyway, I told you a little bit about Sutton, right? Okay. Yeah. Well, I heard her old sister was saying to her, Oh, have Amanda call me, and I'll give her all the dirt, right? Yeah. Then I said that to Sutton verbatim, just as I got in the text. Then she went cold. I mean, her eyes looked mad. I was like, What? I'm just saying it verbatim from a text. She's like, What? And I'm like, What?

And I'm like, I've got more money than you. So why are you looking at me? And she's like, What? And I was like, What? And we just looked at each other.

Yeah, well, she obviously doesn't know you because she only gets a few strikes before you cut a bitch down. And she goes, I mean, you're not wrong.

I wonder what they're doing up in Beverly Hills at a boutique somewhere.

Well, all I know is that she calls herself the Money Queen. And Richard goes, The Money Queen? Seriously? What? She's like, Yes, that's what she calls herself. Did you not know that? She goes, What the fuck does that even mean, The Money Queen? What is that? Seriously? What?

Yes, that's what she calls herself. It's a public thing. I don't know. She's like, The Money Queen? I'm still just trying to figure I don't know how these words go together. I'm just going to say it one more time. The Money Queen? I don't die.

I don't know why I keep repeating myself. No, hold on. I'll repeat myself. Money Queen? Seriously? Yes, but you've never had a job before. How are you telling people how to get money? I mean, if I could roll my eyes harder, I would. My love, that both is onto her already. Yes. Money queen, what do you do? I take people's money. Listen, I think that that's valid. I think that if you've got millions of dollars from scamming it off other people. You still got it. You still got the money.

Yeah. Well, we see, we go back a few weeks when Amanda was like, Yeah, I've got no formal business experience, but then I found I have a around the energetic part of money, which is still such a funny thing to say. So Bo is like, If somebody is going to teach somebody else about how to make money, I expect that they make a lot of money doing some work before. That way, they can tell someone how to do the work so they can get the money that they're supposed to get after.

But Boze is missing the point. She's not trying to tell people how to work to get the money. She's telling people how to dream to get the money.

She's tricking them. How to pay to dream to get the money. Invest your money now so you can learn how to know I got to get it back, and then some.

I don't even think it's investing. It's just like investing in Amanda. Oh, yeah. Invest in Amanda.

Pay your money now.

Give your money to me, and then one day, maybe you'll be rich because you gave me a lot of money. I mean, that's for stupid people, but Still, she's getting it. Would we only take money from smart people?

Mm-hmm. Rachel's like, I thought she does affirmations. Am I okay? Do I have a fever?

Could you check my voice? Do I have one?

Do I have Sudden Onset coma coming on because I thought she only did affirmations? She's like the money queen.

Hold on. I'm going towards the light. I'm going towards the light. I think I'm dead. Hold on. Going towards the light. It's a watch, queen pie. This is her watch. This is her watch, bitch. Oh, my God. I'm seeing two heads right now. Are there two gay people here? Or am I dead? Are you angels? Are you g angels? Are you g angels, yes, bro?

I have malaria from a Money Queen mosquito. I can't. The producer asked Rachel, Would you ever I read Amanda's book, Rich as Fuck, and she's like, No, I would never read a book called Rich as Fuck. No. It's just not my energy. I just don't even know what a book is. What's a book? I've been booked, so you ask me, Would I be booked? Yeah, I'll be booked.

Is this Can you read this book? Tell me, is it written on a caftan? Okay, no. Then no interest. No interest.

Can Kias moisturize his face with this book? Then no. No. No.

Will it keep Skysky from writing an E-bike? Okay, Sky, Sky, I'll read that. The vendor is like, Okay, your total comes to $10,500 worth every penny, my $10,500 queen. Yes, I can. She's like, Oh, my God. Oh, my God, pasta. I've lost my mind. I've lost my mind. Pasta? No, I would never… I didn't lose my fucking mind out of my ears. I would never say pasta. What fucking monster are you? Fire this gay. Not my energy. Fire this. No, Rachel, please, please. Sorry, I had to banish the gay who suggested I have pasta in a store. It's over for him.

Rachel leaves in a sad piano, plays as the gay goes back to his little den in the back and hybridates until she comes back to the store. Well, it was a good season.

Yeah, he shrinks down, turns into smoke, and goes into a little tiny jar kept inside the cash register. A straight guy comes out. He's like, All right, I'm here to sell.

All right, bro. So back to Amanda's place, Amanda is talking to Eddie, and she's like, Anyone cry about mama being gone? Not even at bedtime. He's like, no, bedtime is different. It's Kanan laid on top of me like he usually does. Liam was beside me, and I held Shosh's hand on the top bunk, and I felt him. The most I felt him in a really long time. It turns out that what they're talking about is that they had lost a child three years ago, that they had… Manda had given birth to twins. They were in the NICU, and one of them didn't make it. It It was very sad and scary. It's terrible. It's really, really bad. We see cell phone footage of them cradling their child and crying, et cetera. It's very dramatic. It's very, you know.

Cell phone footage on the TV. I don't know about it.

I don't know about a cell phone footage.

Yeah, but it's one of those moments where you're like, Okay, but… Obviously, that's It was a huge loss. I'm not going to say anything, but as a viewer, I was like, What the hell? It was weird. It was weird to put that. But I talk about that all the time of people posting pictures of themselves crying on Instagram. I just don't get that. I'm from the- I don't get it either. I'm just an older bitch, where it's like, cry at home, and then pretend you're happy on the internet. I don't know which way is better, really. But it was shocking to see on TV, for sure. What a terrible thing to happen. Only because it was-My God.

Yeah, I have to imagine maybe they were like, We want to document these moments that we do have with our child. But it was… I don't know if I personally would have whipped out a phone that moment, but… It was so sad.

Other way. She's It was like, you know. Obviously, the anniversary of him dying is on Friday. Last year, that was a weird day for me, so I don't know how I'll be. Then the music's like… They Beverly Hills, fucking Beverly Hills. So we see Dorites.

Dorites.

Yes, Dorites striding down the street and going into a restaurant called Oospi. Oospi. It sounds like a very Dorite restaurant. Did Dorite I'm not going to match. I'm speaking. What? Where are we meeting? I'm speaking.

What? I'm speaking. Where? It's her trend. It's her trend to sing, Don't speak. Don't speak. I know just what you're saying. Please don't speak. She meets with her new two-woman management team, Claudia and Emma, and she's like, Oh, hello. Oh, God. I think I'll go with the fish sandwich. You never see those today, which I thought was such a funny thing.

Chapter 1, what happened to the fish sandwich? What's it doing?

Fish for where?

Fish for where? Never seen a fish sandwich before. People are going to get to knew me in this new book. For example, Dreet stands for the return of fish sandwiches. Write that down, ladies.

This lady, Claudia, is like, Well, Dreet, I have something for you. Is it a fish sandwich? Because you never see those anymore. Did you notice that? No, it's not. Here you are in a copy of a roller coaster magazine.

Spelled R-O-L-L-A-C-O-A-S-T-R. Rolla, Rollercoaster magazine. I'm looking it up right now. Rollercoaster magazine. Dorit. Dorit? Okay. Rollercoaster magazine. Dorit Kimsley. It covers Rollercoaster's SS25 issue. It's Dorit in a little French coat. French coat. Trench coat. Maybe it's French. French trench coat. I'm going to go with that. She is looking to the side in sunglasses, standing in front of a bunch of trees and reading a newspaper in a really awkward way, like the The newspaper is a little scrunched up and closed. She doesn't quite know how to read a newspaper. She's never done it before. Yeah.

She's in front of a lot of ferns or poms or something like that. She's… It's the Los Angeles Times Sunday edition. A deeper… Wait. The headline says, A deeper look at shootings of bystanders by the LA Times. It's like, Look at me having a fashion moment reading an article about how people are getting shot on the streets.

It's very direct. You see a house between the trees. Who shot this? I was just scanning through random parts of the article, I found this. I wanted to be a lawyer from a very young age, but at five or six years old, I wanted to be a cowgirl. I was sure I wanted to be a cowgirl. I loved horses. They were my favorite animal. I spoke to my father about it and explained that it doesn't bring... He explained it doesn't bring in a great income. So after that, I said, Okay, then, I'm really not sure what to do. But you remember those shows like Divorce Court? I just loved that for him, and I was very drawn to being a lawyer, even to this day. I think I would have been a really great lawyer, but you knew that wasn't my destiny. They're like, Could you pull a Kim Kardashian? She goes, Oh, someone said that to me the other day, I'm sure, Doreet, someone the other day said, You know what? You should pull a Kim Kardashian to become a lawyer, Doreet. No one said that to you, Doreet. Yeah, master of that. I'm not really sure.

No one said that. It's actually quite a long interview. It goes for a while. I mean, no surprise. It's Doreet, so she has a lot to say about everything.

I'm just going to scroll to another part because I love Doreet's stupidity. Do you think it's therapeutic or harmful to have those moments immortalized for others to consume? Somewhere in between. My children, footage of when they're young is nice to have. Life is a series of evolution. For example, I started out as a baby elephant, just tedious. And then I found roller skates and became the beautiful Penguin swan you see today. Thank you. Thank you, evolution. I'm going to be a Penguin swan lawyer with curves in her hair. That's it. Print it. Write it down for the book. People for generations will know. This, this is Dorit. Commercials.

Here comes one right now. They say, What's the last thing that made you laugh hysterically. Gee, I need to do that more often. That was me laughing hysterically. That's probably the longest period of time where laughter is not as prevalent as it normally is in in my life. But I'm thinking about that day on the beach at Carcell's. Little jabs, little hilarious jabs. Kyle, Kyle and I were literally almost peeing our pants. We laughed so hard. I went, and we were on the ground nearly wetting ourselves. I think she actually did. You could print that, Kyle Richards pees her pants all the time. Liar, Liar, pants not on fire because they're soaked in urine.

So So Dorit is writing a book, guys. She's getting a book, and we find out that she had to get rid of her manager because she separated from her husband, and that was her manager, quote, unquote. So they're like, So was PK a better manager or a better husband? And she's like, Mm-hmm. Change both of my answers to a radiator and give them a very small national tour. This is my answer. Karma chameleon.

Guys, I need to work. I need to earn money. I don't want to have worries. I want to be able to buy whatever I want, be it a Bulgari watch or a fish sandwich. You don't see those very much anymore. I do whatever I want for the kids. I've got goals, guys, and I need to do those things. Well, obviously, you've got the book coming out. One of the first things I said to you was, How have you not written a book? Then I talked to you and I realized, I'm not sure this woman even knows how to hold a pen. So it makes sense.

Once I talked to you, I thought, Have you not been hit over the head with the book?

I know. But if I'm going to do my memoir, I want to put my heart into it. I want people to be able to pick up my book, finish my book, and say, Why did I read that book? That way, they know me so much better.

Dorit, nobody wants a book from you, okay? I think this book came out already. I think this book was written in five minutes, by the way. I think she just She picked up her phone and voice-detested and sent it to these ladies. They're like, Add some pictures with Dorit with huge rollers in it and call it a day. She's like, Well, I just signed a book deal. Writing a book is not only going to give me the opportunity to go through the journey of processing everything that I'm going through, but thinking about everything that's led me to where I am today. The good, the bad, the ugly. There's the title of the book. No, I don't like ugly I'll marry them, but I don't like them. All right, print that. That was a good one. Book done, book finished. Who's paying for this fish sandwich? By the way, what if I bought a Bulgari watch for the fish sandwich? Would that be a good chapter? Yes or no?

It's going to be a cathartic experience. I put pen to paper, and I really feel like I'm moving into a new chapter of my life. That is a pun, and you could put that in the book, in the chapter that says, Fish Sandwiches, Am I Right?

The other thing we need to consider is the cover. That's the whole book. That's it. The cover? Yes. I just want a book that's a picture of me standing there, looking out of a window, about to say, Oh, believe Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. I love it. You need... Oh, go ahead.

No, I love that they're going to shoot the cover before the book has not even finished. It hasn't even started, but they're going to do the cover first.

Yeah, I think Tareet's book came out. Wasn't that something we talked about earlier in the season? Doreet Kemp'sley book.

I don't remember.

Yeah, Doreet Kemp'sley book, Amazon book. Let me look. It's called Unburdened.

Unburdened. That's right. Unburdened. Yes.

A Memoir. A Memoir. Let's see what it says. Unburdened. A memoir by Dorit Kimsley. It's the best. Open it now. The Real Housewives. God, it's the shortest description I've ever seen. It just says… Picture. Insert picture. That's all it says. Now it says, From Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star, Dorit Kimsley, comes a candid memoir, which she pills back the layers of her life and shares the unscripted moment that sheaped Who she's.

When she became unburdened by the fact that she finally found a place in Los Angeles that serves a fish sandwich. It's so hard to find. Now we go to a place called Elevate Infrared. If you think that they are going to spell out the entire word elevate, you are mistaken because it's elev number eight. And Sutton and Kyle go meet there, and they get into an infrared sauna that's 159 it is too hot for them. They're like, Wait, we have to do an entire scene in this blazing heat? So then they try to turn the temperature down, and Kyle makes it hotter, and then they basically just turn it off. They're like, We're not doing this. Okay. I got him to make up today. We'll just turn it off. And they're like, We're not. We don't want to be filmed in red light. So, here you go.

You're not paying me enough to die on camera. Oh, really? Because I don't I do that in literally every scene, you wuss. By the way, I just wanted to add, Dorit's book is on Amazon, but it's not available until April 21st, just in case people were scrambling over there. I'm like, Hey, wait a minute. Why didn't Roni tell us when it's available? That's when it's available. Okay, yeah. We're in the sauna, and Kyle also has a metal water thing, which I feel like wouldn't end up well in the sauna. You just burn yourself.

I know. That's going to conduct heat. Kyle Well, it gets right to work. Did you talk? We ended up talking to Jennifer? And Son is like, Well, I mean, she and I were roommates, so we talked every day. What are you talking about? She's like, No, but after you snatched at us that night, remember when you did that? Because you were cray-cray? Did she say something? Yeah. She's like, Well, I just find it interesting that she would say something to you before saying something to me. So now you tell me this information, and I'm going to go tell stuff to other people before I tell it to Jennifer.

Yeah, and also she did say something to you, and you snapped at her and shut her down in front of the entire group, Sutton. She did try to say something to you. Kyle was like, Well, I mean, it was in the moment when you were like, Jennifer, just stop. Remember that? That was so scary. You were so scary. I love it. Then when she went to the bathroom, I came out and she had tears in her eyes and she was like, Well, Sutton snapped at me, and she was saying, It's always about you. So, Oh, awkward. Wow, what a good friend, Kyle. That's really sweet of you to chase somebody while they're upset just so you can get dirt to go cause problems in their friendship. Exactly. There's Kyle. There's Kyle. Old reliable Kyle.

Good old reliable Kyle. So Kyle goes, Yeah. And then she said she understands why Garcela is not friends with you anymore. And I was really surprised by that. But anyway, I think she may have smile when she did that and then rubbed her hands together. And then maybe she said, I think you're my new best friend, Kyle. I don't know. I don't want to get you upset or anything. So that son's like…

She's like, Well, you know. Also, she fucked Denise. She fucked Denise. Yeah, she fucked her lease one time with the breakers. I'm sorry, I'm getting all my shit talking. I'm sorry. I have five cars. I've got a lot to think about. It's getting all this stuff. I'm confused. You stole her goddamn house.

I think that Jennifer also said that she's going to go get her hair done by Joey Malouf or something like that? I don't know. Sorry. Is that triggering for you? Okay, Kyle, just stop it.

Adrian Malouf had a surrogate. It's happening to me.

It's too hot for Kyle. Kyle also says that Kyle says that Jennifer said that Sutton can be problematic, which I don't believe we saw Jennifer say. So Sutton tells us that- No, and Kyle's purposely using that language because she brought up Garcelle and then called her problematic because she knows that Garcelle is very sensitive about being called a bigot on this show.

So Kyle is purposely stoking fires with words like that. That's typical Kyle. Yeah. Not her best word, but Sutton's very easy.

Yeah, she's like, I mean, Jennifer has seen how sad I've been over the past few months, years, entire life. It's just, it's so mean. I just, I want to go talk to Jennifer immediately. But first I'll talk to Erica about it and some other people, and some other people after that. Then I'll talk to Jennifer and say how upset I was that she didn't come directly to me the way I came directly to her after several people.

Yeah, so I mean, that's really sucky. Come on, that's sucky to bring up car sale. I mean, God, people just bewilder me. They bewilder me. So now we go to Las Vegas, the Nevada Fertility Institute, and Boza is in a medical gown waiting with Keely, and they're going in for the procedure, and she's like, I'm ready for the eggs. I brought this bucket from a nickel machine. Just put them all in here. The triple sevens, triple sevens. Let's go. Let's go.

I'm feeling every emotion possible. I've never had a smooth pregnancy before, and if this doesn't work, I worry about Keely's overall satisfaction because I know he really wants a child. So if he doesn't have that, what does that mean? So this has to work. I'm like, Look, in a relationship, I think it's a beautiful thing when people make sacrifices and do things for the people that they love. I think that is wonderful and great. But I also get really sick and tired of hearing about these guys who are like, Well, I want a baby. And women who've had high-risk pregnancies are like, Well, I guess I'll have to do this again. Like, Caroline Stanbury, now Boes is doing this. It's like, this is like, yeah, you may want to have a child. This lady has to do all the hard work, though, and it's dangerous. I'm just like, I just feel like it's unfair. And every relationship is different. And if Boes is fine with it, then it doesn't even matter what I say. But I just think these guys are ridiculous. The fact that she's concerned that he's going to leave because of it when she's the one that's to put her body through war, I just don't think it's fair.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. The thing that bugs me is I don't the term, I worry about Keely's overall satisfaction, as if at the end of this experience, there's going to be a pop-up. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied were you with Bo's? Bo's is serviced today. It just grosses me out with Keely. Although, I got it. He wants to have a baby and stuff, but you're dating someone who's almost 50, and you should have started sooner, sir. You wouldn't even move here in the first year. I just feel like it's a lot to ask, and I don't like it. I'm team pose.

Yeah. I mean, look, if they get a surrogate, that obviously helps. But we saw this on Dubai with Caroline Sandbury, where Sergio was like, I want to have another baby. I want to have a baby. I want to have a baby. And she was like, No, I don't want to have another baby. It's really hard on me, and it's going to be dangerous for my body. The way these guys, I don't care. I hate that. Again, people make concessions for the people that they love, and if they are fine with it, it's what they want, then it doesn't matter what I think. But these guys forcing their ways. I just don't like it. I don't like that dynamic.

Yeah. Then we go to Rachel's house, and guess what she's wearing? A full-length gown. That's right. We're calling it that. Not a half-time. Not a half-time. There you go. We see a senior brand producer, Mary Elizabeth, and her private chef, Leo. Master Antonio? Yes, Mary Elizabeth, Master Antonio. Leo.

Yes, her chef. Leo, fun fact. Former Bravo star. Leo was a contestant on Chef Academy, a long forgotten Bravo show that was really, really good about people learning how to cook in Venice, California.

Well, there you go. Apparently, he learned because now he's cooking for someone who doesn't eat. He learned. So I'm sure his food is delicious. He's like, My audition for the Rachel's O, I just brought in a plate of popsicle sticks and got the job. Nailed it. Nailed it.

Rachel's like, Oh, my God. What's happening? Why is this so dark in here? It's dark. I can't see. Oh, my God! Before, I could see. I can't see now. Oh, my God! Am I alive? Did I die? They always say, Go towards the light. Is there no light in the light? It's actually so much light I can't see.

How am I supposed to go towards the light if the lights are out? Like, literally, I'm dead. I'm literally just dead forever. I'm like, Come on. They're like, Yeah, so the power's out on the entire block. Sorry, don't hit me. She's like, Oh, my God! I don't even understand Why the fuck this happens? I do something. What are we supposed to just eat in the dark? It's like one of those restaurants you eat in the dark. Come on. Jesus, that's the only way Roger is going to get a date, by the way. I hope he finds one of those to take some child in two to date. Fucking moron dating the dark.

I love that Rachel has no concept of rolling blackouts because it's the summer. In Los Angeles, what happens is, or in California in general, because it gets so hot that they have to do rolling blackouts because the energy grid gets I was overwhelmed with all the air conditionings and everything. Rachel has no idea. She's like, Oh, my God. It just went out. Did the electricity find an amazing vintage Chanel bag? Because it seems like it's dead. It's dead. Oh, my God. I'm dead. No lights.

Rolling blackouts are not supposed to happen to rich people. They're supposed to roll around us. Roll around us.

Roll away. Roll out. Chef Leo is like, It's okay. I can make it work. Look, I I can cook with the lighter. I can light the gas with the light. I don't understand what any of that means. I don't even know what a stove is. What's a stove? Is that a new type of dress? I love it. But she's like, Okay, well, I'm going to put on a spiky headband, make myself look like a Greek goddess, and walk into this. Oh, my God! It's light outside. Guys, did you see that? It's light outside, but it's dark inside. This is crazy. It's bananas.

You guys, why does the sun have power, but we don't? This is unfair.

This is my fucking life. It's not raining. There's no storm. Kias is moisturized, and there's no reason not to have power right now. What the fuck? Why does this happen? Me. Why did electricity decide to target me today? I'm dead.

Meanwhile, at Sutton's house, Cathy is on speakerphone, and she's like, I just don't know why we don't have power? But, Oh, you're going to crack up. I came up with this idea. We're using a handheld fan. Because you're so hot? Well, no, to blow dry my hair with. We're blow drying my hair with a fan. I had the maids come in here and actually blow their breath, but they've been eating a lot of caviar and potatoes, so it was a staff meal. It wasn't very good. I got a little bit of egg in my hair, so we changed to paper fans.

I got to get the lady a toothbrush. Okay, well, do you need to come over here and use my electricity because blow dryers are very important. Oh, well, I may have to.

And then- You just hear Cathy, you just hear Carol in the background going, Blow harder, bitches. Blow harder, you're going to be out on the street.

Jennifer has curlers in her hair and looking at shoes and dress from her sister, deciding what she's going to wear.

Yeah. So then Amanda is driving around in her red Porsche Converte and Kyle's with her. She's like, What's tonight's occasion? Are we just getting together at Rachel's? Amanda says, A psychic. Did you see the Evi? Because it's like a psychic summer or something. I'm really excited to see a psychic. Kyle's like, I love a psychic at dinner. Wink, wink. Then we see Allison Dubois, who, in retrospect, should have been made a housewife immediately.

Yes.

I think in retrospect. Smoking her little electronic cigarette going, He will never emotionally fulfill you. Know that.

Know that, Kyle says. I'm hoping that the psychic tonight does not have an electronic cigarette and is a positive psychic. Then we go back to Amanda's Amanda's saying how this is an emotional week for her because Monday was her child's birthday, and so it's also the anniversary of… But today is the anniversary of when the twin passed, and so it just seems weird to be out. But she explains that her husband was like, You should be out with your friends tonight because it'll be a good distraction from the anniversary of Zion's passing. Then we see Sutton and Erica riding together, and Kathy. Kathy shows She's up at Sutton's house in curlers to get her hair done. She's going to use Sutton's electricity while everyone else is heading to the party.

And Sutton is driving with Erica. So it's going to be a psychic party. I have a few things I need to get off my chest with Jennifer, so I hope that I could see that. I hope she sees that. Eric is like, Oh, God, girl, I thought you were going to say me. At least you know I have something going on with me. You're going to really talk to Jennifer about this?

That'll be good.

That'll be good. By good, I mean exhausting. I've already I've already dusted off a patio chair. What the fuck, boy, does this show want from me? I've got to drive a setting now? Come on.

Have you ever heard of a thing called a sponge yellow on one side and green on the other? And one side's rough, one side soft, just the way I get in bed with Shrek. And Sutton's like, Well, I'm going to ask her truly, Jennifer Tilly, why did you say that? Yeah. And I'll just say, It wasn't nice. It just wasn't nice. Yeah. And I'll say, Can you explain Are you thinking about me or the sponge again?

It's so funny, Erica. Erica just giving nothing to Sutton. So I was like, Here's what I'm going to do.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to go talk to Jennifer. Yeah. And then, I'm going to tell her. Yeah. I'm going to tell her I didn't like it. Yeah. It was really nice.

Yeah.

Erica was just like, Let me out of this car. Why am I even on this show? Erica, I think if anyone, we joke about Rachel saying, take a I think Erica. Can we check Erica's blood pressure? Is she still living? Erica's just like, What I want. Roll me into a party, sit me down, put a straw in my mouth, and I'll just drink it, have a good fucking time with these dumb bitches. Get me the fuck out of here.

Yeah. Erica, do you have a personality? Yeah. Okay. Do you have a favorite song? Yeah. What's it called?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

Then Erica. There's a long way to go to make an usher joke. Erica tells us, Jennifer's saying that Sutton makes everything about her somewhat true, yes, but Sutton probably feels betrayed by Tilly. You're my friend. I've already fallen out with Garcelle because I'm a stupid bitch. But why do I need to have a falling out with you? Am I right, everyone? High five, America. Okay, I'm going to go back to using this thing called counter spray. God, I love housemaker things.

Well, she should have come to me first. Listen, you have no idea who you are dealing with. You have no idea. Yeah. Then we go to Rachel's and she's putting place cards out. Mary Elizabeth, put out the gift cards. Put them out me. Put them out. Are you going to put bags on chairs? Is that how we do things here? She's like, Yes. Rachel Zoe's slippers, Rachel Zoe's pajamas, Rachel Zoe's pajamas, Rachel Zoe's fragrance, Rachel Zoe's sunglasses. Oh, my God. It's like an orgy of Zoe. Love it.

Dead, died. What I love is that because Rachel Zoe deals with famous people and is famous herself, no one bats an eye at the fact that she puts out a swag bag of all her stuff. But if it were like, Doreet or anyone else, it just gave everyone a whole bunch of Beverly Beach, it'd be like, Oh, my God. Is this a commercial or something like that? What's that? What the hell? Or like when Jenna Lyons did it and Cy and Aaron complained about all the free shit that they got. I just love how there's a total different standard for people who are famous on these shows. They're like, Oh, my God, thank you so much for all your Rachel's O stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Then we meet Angie, the tarot card reader. I don't know that I trust Angie because she's got a new version of tarot cards. The artwork, I don't like the artwork. I don't know what's going on with this tarot artwork. I don't know what's going on with this tarot artwork. I don't know what's going on with this tarot It's like, Oh, my God! It's Monday, and I got this, girl.

It's definitely like… It feels like the New Yorker. It's like New Yorker tarot cards, right? I'm surprised that the various cards were not like, I need to talk to my therapist. So Angie's like, Well, everyone… She's like, You know, sometimes, Rachel, it's okay that you lost power. There's going to be some hiccups, and you're just going to keep adjusting, and it's just going to be more magical. That's the message I keep on getting from my cards. It'll be a magical... Oh, my God, really. I like that message. What else does it say? Okay, do you feel anything about what the new Valentino line is now that he's passed, RIP? No. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, but you've pulled a lot of really bright pink cards with girls with wonky facial features and blonde hair, which I got. You have not pulled one that says death, so you're fired.

Die. Die. Then in comes Natalie, Rachel's friend, we'd heard that would be on the show, and I've forgotten about. She comes in in a sheer outfit that has, it's like bikini bottoms underneath it or whatever. It's like bodysuit, whatever. I don't know. It's like a little bit more risque than these women are at a dinner party, usually. There's a reason for that because Rachel tells us that she met Natalie through her soon-to-be ex-husband, Simon Fuller, who we know is the, among other things, I believe he created American Idol. I think maybe he runs Fremantle. I'm not sure about that, but he's like a big deal. That's how… She's been going through this divorce, and as a result, this is new Natalie because she used to be more… We see a picture of her before where she was just like, I'm just Natalie, just sitting in the kitchen.

Oh, look at me in my jogging pan jumpsuit. Okay? I'm in a jogging pan jumpsuit. Rane Oxford. Now I'm- I'm Natalie, ex-wife of salmon full of bitches. I need inside a prenup, sacos. But this Natalie, I'm not really sure why she's wearing this, but, girl, this This is just like a dinner party with the girls. You look crazy. You look like literally crazy. I'm glad you feel freer, but you're also going to feel in need of a blanket in a minute because it's going to be cold. It's going to be cold in five minutes. She meets them, and Rachel's like, This is Natalie. She's getting divorced. You might have guessed that by her outfit. That's a thong. But yeah, this is Natalie. Eric is like, Oh, you're clearly not boring. Look Look at what you're wearing. She goes, Oh, I love a hoe dress. Natalie is given an expensive hoe.

This is where we see the before and after pictures. Natalie's like, Well, when I was getting out of the car, I was like, I'm really sorry for whoever sees my vagina. Divorce. Why are you serious? Sorry. I think you should show your vagina as much as you want. At the bus. Then Jennifer enters, and she's got this beautiful black gown with this cape. Cape seems to be in. I feel like we're seeing capes all over Bravo right now. There's a cape that's diamond-sided. She's like, We are dressed like the Cosmos tonight.

Jesus Christ, Jennifer. I'm going to rip those diamonds off of you. Like, amazing. Oh, my God. Don't even sit. Just stand. Twirl. Amazing. I'm done. I'm tired now. You can go away. Thank you. That was enough. Jennifer Tilly is like a walking museum of fashion. People always ask me whose closet I would take over, and I say, What's her name again? Jennifer Tilly. I'll go with Jennifer Tilly. She's here right now.

Maybe it's Jennifer Tilly. Never heard of her before, but now I'm here. Now I like her. I get her now. I die. Like I die.

Congratulations. You've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

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