Transcript of #3173 Below Deck Med S10E17 Part One: Mob (Wife) Mentality

Well, hello, and welcome to What's What Happens.

I'm Roni, and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben.

Hi, Roni. How's it going?

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That's it. We do. We do love. We love a lot.

We love hard. We love hard.

We love hard. We love long.

Unlike the people on this show, Below Deck. Here we are with Below Deck, the penultimate episode of the season, at least I think. Yes. This is Below Deck, Season 10, Below Deck Med, to be more specific. Season 10, episode 17. A Bubble Trouble.

Bubble Trouble. Why is it called Bubble Trouble?

Because that girl filled her bath water too much with bubbles and left Tana all over. That's a bad name. They didn't want to call it Slob Wives, I'm assuming.

Slob Wives is better. Bubble Trouble is bad. That was one second of the entire show, and they named the entire episode Bubble Trouble.

I say, no.

If you're going to call it Bubble Trouble, I would say call it Bubble Bubble, for those of us who are of a certain age who played that game a lot in the '80s. Yeah.

Bubble, Bubble, Boil, and Trouble. What is in that?

Or just like, Get Shakespeare in with it. Just call it Hamlet.

Even though I just said it wrong.

Why don't you call it, Call the episode Hamlet.

What is Hamlet about?

I haven't seen it, but it's basically Shakespeare Shakespeare, Shakespeare has a child, Shakespeare loses the child, and then puts that energy into writing.

Oh, really? That's what it is? Why is it called Hamlet, though? What does it mean?

It's apparently I have a name Hamlet and Hamlet were interchangeable names. I think the child's name is Hamlet. I don't know. This is just what I got from the trailer, but I know it's a 10 hanky special, and I'm probably going to watch it just so I can cry.

It should have been about the thing that they wrap hams that you have to cut the neck that they wrap hams in. Why isn't it about that? There's a movie I paid to go see. I agree. Who invented that?

I agree. Maybe we should recap Hamlet. That would be actually very funny. We're like, And then Shakespeare thinks he's so great because he wrote a play. We would probably be so obnoxious recapping that movie. But it's supposed to be great. I love Chloe Jow, the director, mainly because I love Nomadland. I didn't see Eternals, not planning to see it. I just want to see movies where she makes me cry, and I feel like Hamlet will do that for me. I'm going to wait for a private moment, and I will watch it alone, and I will sob to a pillow.

Masturbate. Masturbate. Here we are. Bubble trouble. We start where we ended with drama over chicken nuggets. That's the kind to save the season for me, I'm not going to lie. This chicken nugget thing really saved it for me.

That's the fiasco. Yeah. Blind chicken nuggets, half-eaten, meant for a different purpose. Max was-using them to get in the way of a conversation.

Max was just trying to give his love to Cassie and tell Cassie, maybe it is our time to get married. She got upset about chicken nuggets being thrown at her and ran down to yell at the people who were throwing her chicken nuggets, as is her right. Then Max is now basically Basically, crying because she chose chicken nuggets over him. Let me just say, as a vegetarian, I would choose chicken nuggets over you.

Yeah, I would, too. I would 100% do that. But let's also not forget the other element of this, which is that they were her chicken nuggets that she was waiting for and she was starving, and they finally arrive, and those two dipsets, Nathan and Joe, start throwing them at her. Of course, she had... She'd be livid. I would be livid. Of course, she's going to stop whatever conversation she's just having and go down there and yell at the guys. I don't know why Max thinks it's such a privilege to receive his invitation to be his boyfriend.

We didn't see that was coming. But here's the thing. I left the recap last week, and I thought about it deeply, as I do below deck. I thought about it, I worried about it, I wondered about it. What are those guys doing right now? One thing I thought is, I really like Cathy. I've been stumping for Cathy this whole time. Love her. Great, great choice. She's great. She's still love her. I don't hate her I love her. But I will tell you, I did start to wane because Cathy was really, really mean to someone. It upset me. That person is Big Mac. Big Mac is a viable food source. That's a pretty solid choice to be left with. I know it's not what you ordered. I'm not saying you should be happy with somebody throwing chicken nuggets at you. But to diss a Big Mac like you're doing is un fucking acceptable. Check yourself.

Love a Big Mac. You know, poor Mac the Night sitting there on his moon. Well, he has the moon, but he's on his piano. He's just trying to enjoy the evening, and she's basically spitting in that moon man's face, and it's just not right.

She is, and it's not cool. It's not right.

Now she's going back to Max. Thank you for speaking truth of power right now, by the way. That was really important.

I'm acting like, Oh, Big Max. Gross. No, Big Max are not gross. They're like the life force of this country. Have some fucking respect, woman. Have some fucking respect. Yeah. So Max is all upset and pouting because he's been dissed for chicken nuggets. So Kathy finally gets over and comes back to him and lightly kicks him on the butt like, Okay, hi, I'm back. And she's like, Don't be mad at me. He's like, I'm not talking to you because I talk to you and you speak to Nugget. So then I'm out of the conversation. Enjoy your conversation with chicken nugget.

Sir, you petted a jellyfish and then touched your eye. When we're talking about judgment calls, you're failing on this category. I'm sorry. I will take Cathy speaking to Nuggets first before you pet a jellyfish. Do the two things have anything to do with each other? No. But I just want to point out a massive flaw in your personality, too, and just say you're not perfect. You're an idiot. Actually, what I really want to do is point out that Cathy is so far above you. She has a whole comic strip written about her where all she does is ask for chocolate. That's still more entertaining than anything you've done on this show. Just be happy that she gave you any of that time before she went off to her Nuggets.

Exactly. She's like, whatever. She's like, Oh, what the hell? Boom, I need stability, okay? So he's all upset, and he's like, Oh, I thought we were so special, meant to be, but I need stability with the people that come into my heart. All this roller coaster of emotion changing. I'm feeling Biscayce and I. Sir, if you can't handle a chicken and nugget battle, then what man are you going to be to marry or be with in a relationship? The second anything goes wrong, you're off there crying and making everything about you, you need to be standing up for the woman who just got robbed of chicken That's exactly right.

Let's also not forget that her stepfather died three days prior. It feels like it was two months ago, but in real-time, it was three days ago. So let her have her nuggets, and don't shame her for it. In fact, why don't you just give Hold some space for her anyway. You know?

Just shut up. Maybe don't try to have a relationship, come after somebody and nag them for a relationship when they're telling you they don't want a relationship. She's told you a million times, Don't rush this. I don't want this rushed. Stop making it more It's worse than it needs to be. You're already failing on that end, and you're trying to force somebody into a commitment when they're relying on you right after a family death. It's just you're gross. It's much. Okay? You're gross. Just stop it.

To quote Taylor Dane, the great Taylor Dane, who looks not unlike some of the charter members this episode, Don't rush me. I've made that mistake before.

Yeah. Don't rush me. Don't. I don't know how to put it. Yeah. Yeah. She doesn't get enough credit for all the points that she had.

She gets no credit whatsoever.

Or as the great, as the great Black-Eyed Pees once said, Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

As the great Cathy Tricoli once sang, Everything changes. Everything changes. As the great Jennifer Page once sang, It's just a little crush. Don't mean anything. That's the quote just ends there for me. That's something you should know, Max. It's just a little crush.

Yeah. So, Cathy goes back to her room while he goes off to pat in his room. And he's like, How was your chat? Yeah, how was it? She's like, Oh, God. It was fine until Joe and Nathan chucked chicken nuggets at me. After 30 minutes of Max talking, I got distracted. But you can't be annoyed at me for such a little thing. I mean, God was talking, talking, I'm walking. I just welcomed the chicken nuggets, honestly. Actually, it saved me. Thank you. Thank you, broken chicken nuggets in my face. God, that man won't shut up.

Yeah, seriously. I would be so grateful for that. Now it's the morning. We do see a half-eaten chicken nugget floating in the dark Barcelona waters. Some fish is going to have quite the treat, I would have to say. I have a mind to go get some chicken nuggets after this I'm not. I'm whipping myself into a frenzy at the moment. I'm trying to eat healthy, and honestly, all I can think about is chicken nuggets at the moment. I just want to go fish in Barcelona.

That's why you're thinking about them because you're trying to eat healthy, and that's what happens. You're trying to eat healthy, and then Roy Crocker's in your head, like, Come on down to McDonald's making fresh chicken nuggets. Yeah, I'm not a chicken nuggets person. I'm a McDonald's person. Wasn't it Roy Crocker? Did I get the name wrong?

I don't know who Roy Crocker is, but I trust you on this one.

I think he invented McDonald's. Who invented McDonald's?

It was Taylor Danes.

Just shut up. It was inspired by brothers Richard and Maurice McDonald. Okay. Oh, Roy Crock was his name. Yeah. This businessman, Roy Crock, Ray Crock, took it from Richard and, I guess, bought it and then turned it into what we know today. Thank you, Roy Crock. Crockdonald's. Thank you, Crockdonald's.

Then from there, he went and made shoes. I'm like, Wow, does this guy to stop inventing things? Wow, he is just an influencer.

Made out of the same material, probably, that chicken nuggets are made out of. I mean, look at that.

He should be on Shark Tank. He's the Taylor Dane of inventors. It's the morning people are waking up and Nathan texts Gail, and she's like, Good morning. I know you're checking on me, but I'm still in Barcelona. I didn't make a run for it. Which is great.

It's like, Get off my ass, stalker, because he's still texting her every five It's like, Are you coming? Are you coming to my sister's wedding? It's a big deal to get that an invite from me. Like, Shut up. Like, Leave me alone.

Everyone wants to go to my sister's wedding because if it doesn't work out, I'll lose faith and rely on her jobs and sabotage for the rest of my life.

What if my sister quits her job and then she's not friends in the office with the people that I've become friends in the office with? I won't believe in relationships anymore.

My sister said that she tried to order a bacon egg bite on Starbucks app and it was sold out. I've lost all faith in relationships now.

Do you remember when you ghosted me? Could you do it again? You're making me crazy. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crap in's commercial. Now we go outside and Joe sees V, and he's like, Oh, good morning. Good morning. She's like,. Sandy is looking at the TV listings, and she's like, Oh, gosh. Well, now that wind is over, I guess I'll have to watch the spin-off. God, anything Taylor Sheridan does, really, the spin-off, Storm. It's not really as good, but it's coming. It's coming.

Storm's coming in. I love that they found a good role for Bill Pullman here. I mean, it's great. Taylor Sheridan, he finds men of a certain age and just puts them in a cowboy hat and lets them go. Just seeing him weathering that storm, it's just great TV.

Now, I don't know if I believe in weathering a storm with Judi Dench by his side, but you know what? I'll take it. I'll take it.

It's great work right over there. Storm is coming in, and Ayes is like, For this, the final charter, and I always like to finish a season on a high, and I want some grand climax, and I don't want to fake it.

Okay, maybe a little bit.

She's really hamming it up this season, Ayesha. She's doing a little pointing at the camera like, Here comes a joke. I bet you're not ready for the punchline because it's about to arrive, and now what is here?

So Cathy is working in the little galley area, and Max just comes up pouting, and she's like, Oh, God, can we just stop being grumpy? Hug me. I've got such healthy hair. And he's like, I'm not grumpy. I'm figuring out what is good for me. Okay. And Josh is listening to this in the kitchen like, Oh, God. You'll choose this whiny, crying dish rag of a human being, but I guess I'm just over here peeing I'm missless, Josh. Okay.

Wow. These two people are worse than putting a piece of meat on a plate and putting another piece of meat on a separate plate. I hate them. Max is like, We're going to Fuck it. It's your fuck right to go take nuggets. I just don't want to be emotionally unstable. So yeah, maybe he said too soon. I don't know. She's like, I'm British, and none of that worked on me. Then she says, I've thrown myself into this, and now you're finally going to walk away from everything that was because I got a little hungry. Well, guess what? Wait till you see me at 4: 15 and the tray of finger sandwiches hasn't arrived at the table yet. Then you'll see the real Cathy Max.

I don't care. I'm not upset with you. You choose chicken nugget. Enjoy your chicken nugget marriage. Enjoy making baby with chicken nugget.

All right, everyone, get your iPads ready because it's time for a preference sheet meeting. Okay. Asia, why don't you start it off? Okay, Jennifer is from New Jersey and owns four med spas. There's a note here that Ben Mandelke recognizes her from something and wants to know, was she on another blow deck at some point because he can't get rid of this nagging feeling.

Half of this cast was like the top of the troll pen. You know those little trolls? Top of this cast. This woman has injected four entire Med Spas into her face, and we get to serve her. Karen's a New York Times best-selling author. Author of what? I don't know. Books, presumably. Are they on Kindle? I don't know. I'm more of a listener myself. But she's written about being a daughter of a mob boss. Has she written it with voice notes? I don't know. Does anyone write anymore? What's happened to the education system in this country? Is this season over yet? I feel like I've been here 19 years.

Yeah. She's the daughter of Sammie the Bull Gravano, so we better behave ourselves. Otherwise, she might write about us, too, and then maybe send Mafia after us. God, that's hilarious. Scary, too. Really heightens the stakes here, right, guys? Okay. Fun times.

This is the Karen from Mobwives, Everybody. Prace yourselves. Otherwise known as not the great people from Mobwives. Where's Drida? Where's Sandra? Drida? What are we trying to say?

Where's Erica? She's supposed to be by my side.

I know Big Ang couldn't be here. Rip. Still miss you every day of my life. But what's the other one? The other main one. Hold on. I'm going to look up Mobwives casket. I'm embarrassing myself right now.

While you looked that up, I could swear that Jennifer was on another blow deck. I could swear this is not the first time we've met her.

Drida, yeah. Drida and Renee. Drida? Drida and Renee are the- Drida. Come on now. Big Ang, but she can't be here.

Drida and Renee. Yeah. Well, what I'd like to bet this girl, Jennifer, for who eventually comes on is that she sounds exactly like one of Zachariah Porter's impersonations. You know Zachariah Porter? He basically impersonates ladies of Long Island on his Instagram. He puts on a wig, and he's like, Where's your rant? Where's your rant? Basically, that's what she sounds like. That's what this lady sounds like.

Oh, yeah. I looked him up. Yeah, I know who he is. He's funny.

Super, super Staten Island, Long Island. I know they're different places. I'm just saying it's in that mix.

Oh, they're different. Yeah. Staten Island is its own. I lived in Staten Island for one year when I was 18 years old because I moved to New York with no money, and that was the first place I could afford after being homeless. The house had a column missing in the front, and so it was falling down. We would sit in these chairs and they would roll all the way down the floor. I could have died in that house, but it was a fun place. There's nobody like a Staten Island person. I'll tell you that. Here they come. Here comes a whole ferry of them. Good luck.

So, night one, they want to have a pajama party, and Kizzie's like, Very Mafia, which, fair point. Then day two, they want to get off the boat and enjoy lunch on the beach.

It is very Mafia, though, because it's like, Pajama celebrate sleeping, and you're on a yacht with the fishes. With the fishes, Kizzie.

Hey, Asha, do you think you can ask the provisioners if we can get some severed horse heads that we can put in their beds? Just see if they can do it. Just try it. Just try.

Hey, Asha, could you make all of the rooms to look like trunks, so we could just throw them in there at the end of the night. I think it'll be on the theme.

We were thinking we could set up a toll booth outside of the boat, and then when they come, we can shoot someone to death right before they go through the toll booth. What do you guys think?

Hey, this is getting a little dark, Sandy.

Okay, when they come on, someone press play on Don't Stop Believing, and then that'll be the end of our season.

Just black out. Just cut the lights. Now, Max is thinking of Cathy, and it's just playing like… While he sobs and like, Squeegees and thinks of Cathy like choosing chicken nuggets over him. So sad.

Then he's talking to Joe. He's like, You know what I prefer to have now? I just want to have good friendship. It's less likely you have a problem. Joe's not listening. He doesn't care. Then Vee is just... Vee is over, and she's in some area being like, Oh, it's really windy right now. No, the season's over, Vee. Season's over. Sorry. Listen, it's killing me that I can't do spoilers. You got to catch up, Vee. It's really very difficult.

Now, Captain Sandy goes to Josh to check on him. He's like, Oh, I just want to make sure I stay ahead of things. I don't want to get complacent. She's like, Oh, really? You know what I'm going to need you to do? I need you to get completent, okay? That's it. The plate is right there.

You got to get completent. Okay, just think outside the box, okay? Because if you put everything in the box, that's basically family style. So think of lots of little boxes that you could put things in and serve that like that. Okay, do that. Okay, you could do it, kiddo. You're going to be great.

You're a pro. It's a lot of pressure because we're not going to be on anchor. Think outside the box. Think out to your food, but on a plate. Do your food, but on a plate.

You know, these last few charters have been a bit funky in my head. The things that I fuck up on, they stick hard more than the positives. It's like a pause and that gets chucked into your brain, and then it just seeps through you and stops you from believing in yourself. And next thing you know, you're just a little cartoon version of yourself who's somehow getting more pussy than you actually are, and you're the actual one who's really intangible. And that's just a drawing, but somehow is doing better than I am.

I love that they make Dominic, the little cartoon character, meaner with every episode. She's like, You suck. You suck, mate. Clowns suck. Nobody likes clowns. You know where everyone wants to see? Dead Clowns. Could you be a dead clown? Loser. Can't even clown ride. If you were a good clown, you wouldn't be here, sucking it up on the ship, would you? Steeple clown, terrible clown. Hey, you want to play two chords on the guitar? Why don't you go ahead, mate? It's all you know, moron.

Josh is like, It just means a lot to me to make sure that I can do the best that I can, but I know how much work that requires. I'm just like, Shit, have I got enough time? It's like, Yeah, well, you set the bar and you set it really high, so you do have enough time. It's called just put the food on different plates. That's it. It takes about 30 extra seconds. You can do it. Okay. I'm going to go look at pictures of little bear upstairs. Okay, bye.

Can't sing, can't cook, can't do… Can't sing, can't cook, can't clown. Can't sing, can't cook, can't clown. Good David Dominic. Now we go to the cabins where Cathy and Kizzie are I'm fucking, and Cathy's like, I'm fucking raging. I'm in a Spanish bull ring. I don't even want to see him right now. I don't even want to see him. What man doesn't stand up for a woman who's missing nuggets?

Because he's like, Just talk to him about it, or if you want, I can make out with him. Would that make it better? She's like, Well, I tried. I tried this morning, and I just want him to be the bigger person now. I'm the one who doesn't have chicken nuggets and lost someone in my family, and yet I have to console him. Absolutely not. Because he's like, And he's also older than you. Don't forget that.

You can't get a toddler and then want them to be a bigger person. You're going to be changing this man's diapers for the rest of his life. Run, run. Then Captain Sandy comes on the radio. They're coming, they're coming. Mobwives, they're coming in 30 minutes. Okay, everybody, you're about to be horrified by some facial injections. Everybody get into your Whites. Do it.

I am going to make you an offer you can't refuse, which is everyone should get into their YTS, and then you'll get a tip afterwards. Okay, get ready, everyone.

So So, Kizzie runs through the galley and slams into a trash can, which, God bless it, figuratively, she did that weeks ago. So it was nice to see physical reality catch up with her. A bam. Trash can.

You know what? It's like seeing one trash can roll into a dumpster. That's what it is. That's the true metaphor right there.

Really? It's that thing I always say. I do not like… Just because I don't like somebody That actually doesn't mean that I want to see them in physical pain. Then I realize, as I say that, that that's not something that I say because it's not true. I actually enjoyed this.

I don't want to see people get maimed or killed, but I don't mind if someone has a minor ache and pain. I don't mind if you might be eligible for a New print commercial because of what you've gone through. So this is perfect.

I don't want you to get gunned down, but I do want trash can to take my frustration out on your toe.

Yes. I do want to see you scampering through a galley and stabbing your toe on a trash can so badly that you have to go to the hospital because that's just... It's perfect.

Yeah. She's like, I think I broke my toe. We hear the guests before we see them. We just hear like, Oh, we got a lot of potatious tatas here. My nipples are patrolling out of my dress. What am I going to do here? Hey.

I don't have any nipple covers, but maybe they got some truffles to put on my tatas.

You know what I want on my tata? I need a King Crab lab over these nips. All right.

The underwiring in my bra is King Crab. I don't know if you know that, but they arrive and everyone's scrambling to get there, and Cathy is like, Oh, my God, listen to their accents. It's not just that they're Americans, it's that they're trashy Americans. It just gets funny. They're What else did they get. But yeah, all the people from Europe are just loving the Jersey accents. I guess they're from Jersey, not from Staten Island or Long Island.

Well, whatever it is, we know it's-I think Karen is from Staten Island, isn't she?

See, I thought there was an island in there somewhere. I thought someone was. But now all of our European cast members are going to try to do a New York accent. Asia's like, Today, do you want to give me some pizza? I'm starving over here. I'm starving.

Joe's like, New York, give me some coffee.

How do you like that? Then Max is just… He's just so... He's like, Get me some of these jerky, my man. You're living your life.

Okay, guys. Welcome.

By the way, you know, Roni, this is what we sound like to Europe when we do our podcast. When we do this show, specifically, this is what we sound like to everyone.

I I'm fine with it. I'm okay. I accepted a long time ago. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So Captain Sandy is like, Hey, guys. Welcome. I'm Captain Beebe. You might have heard of me. I'm loved. So I wanted to welcome you loudmouths onto this boat. Okay, just look around the sea. Look at all those creatures out there. Each one of them hates the sound of your voice. How does that feel? Okay, welcome. Don't forget Storm Starts tonight. Oh, by the way, we're not leaving the dock. You know why? Because Dame Judy Dench signed a contract. We're all going to gather around and we're going to watch Storm Together. Whether you like it or not, pain is more fun together, guys.

Asia takes them on a tour and everything, and they're like, Oh, my God. Look, there's a bidet. I love that. Oh, my God. I can wash my asses with that. That's very nice. I love it. It's very good. Good what you could do. Clean your ass. Clean your ass with the bidet, and then come upstairs. We'll have a cocktail. Okay, I will do that. Yeah, It's just a group of class. Then some of them are sitting upstairs after the tour. The one who wrote the book, Karen, who is Sammy the Bull, Gravano's daughter, Kathy, she sounds a little different. Kathy's like, Excuse me, I just had to ask a question. You're both trash Americans, but your accent's different. You're super trashy, but you're fake, not trashy. What's the story with that?

Yeah, Yeah, well, my family sent me to prep school, so I was like the Mafia kid they sent away to school. So I came back, sound as smarter like. And Connie's like, You don't really sound like New York. I don't even know what you're supposed to sound like, but it's not New York.

But you know what? If you piss me off, I'm like, Who the fuck do you think you are? Oh, sorry. That was me, Karen, doing my pretend to be Connie. Sorry about that. So Connie's like, Yeah, we don't want it, but we want to hear it. We don't want you to get pissed off, but we want to hear your New York accent come out. Okay, hold on.

So now they just sit down. They're like, Feed us. And so, Kizy is ironing down the crew mess, and Max is there, and he's like, What is happening? Do you need a massage? Maybe joke and massage. You dare. I love romance. And she's like, My toe hurts. And Joe's like, I can't even massage her. The world will end. Everyone will freak out. Me, poor Joe, not allowed to do anything because of unreasonable people like me.

He is pulling this card so in the heart of this episode. He is acting like he is poor Romeo, can't even touch Kizzie. It's because your own stupidity, okay? Because you just can't control yourself. That's why you're in this situation. He's acting like he's been kept from the love of his life that he's been pining for all season long. This is a new development. Just shut up already. You've got two days, then you can make out with her.

Yeah. He's like, Oh, I promise Victoria that I wouldn't flirt with Kizzie, but there's just a little tension. Oh, I want to kiss this girl. I I can do it. It feels like I'm in prison, and I'm getting closer and closer just to stick my lips through the bars. Oh, just fuck us. Do it. Do it. I'm waiting here. I'm waiting here with the mousetrap.

Do it. Yeah. He's a regular Jane Austen heroine just pining after Willaby. I mean, come on now. It's not so much that Victoria asked you not to flirt. It's that Nathan asked you not to flirt because it's creating such a distraction. It's creating drama on the deck crew, and it's making it hard to do the job. It's not about her. It's about just making sure this yacht does not sink because of your stupid face.

Also, Victoria didn't ask you. You literally said, I won't hook up with her just to respect you. You were the one who did it. Yeah. Now we go back to the guests at the table and they're talking to Ayesha, and they're like, How do you say your name? What is it? Ayesha? What is it? Ayesha? Is that how you say it? She's like, Oh, okay, sure. I Okay, well, you know what? It's not raining no more. Ayesha, can we go out now? She's like, No, because it's not the rain, it's the wind. She goes, That doesn't matter. I want to go out. But the captain said... I don't care what the captain said. Bring the captain up here. Bring the captain up here. If she can't handle winds, what is she captin' for? What is she even captain for? Oh, my God. These people are disgusting. The worst are these two young ones. I don't even know if they are young because honestly, they are wearing life vests on their face. I don't know what anyone is even to do anymore. You guys are really overdoing it. Like, are you 70? Are you 20?

These two are not spending a dime. You can tell. It's always the people who never spend any money to make all the demands. This girl, Annalise, is just the most obnoxious. She's being like, I want to go I want to go out there. I want to go out there. Call Captain Sandy, okay? Because I'm going to make a demand. Okay, here's an offer. The offer is that we either go out and that's it. There's no other options. I'm like, You know what? Settle down, Chris Christie. There's a storm out there.

All right? That was crazy. We When she's like, Hey, hey, Captain, we got an offer for you. You take us out on the fucking water. There's your offer.

Sandy's like- Excuse you? Yeah, that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. And Marissa, But look how beautiful it is. You're not talking about your face, right? No, but the weather out there. She's like, Okay, you know what? It's not about that. It's about the seas, okay? Just think about your report card. It's all about the seas, right? It's just not safe.

But I got a weather app here. Look, I opened on my phone, I said, Wetter, and look at sunny out there. Why can't we go out there? But the weather app says it's okay. She's like, No, no, no. That's not the same thing.

You're on the… Okay, so you're on… Okay, I'm trying to look up your app. Oh, I see, because I'm on weather. Com, and it looks like you're on Wetter, W-E-D-D-E-R. That's not a Wetter app. That's just about helping you get married. But it says Wetter. It says Wetter. It says it's a great time for That's the wrong app. Here's the deal. Do you think I would stay at the dock if it was nice out? The guy, this one... And by the way, the manager was mortified. He's like, No, absolutely not. You are well. I wouldn't think that in the world. And she's like, Yeah, do you think that? Do you guys really think that? Do you dumb-dums really think that? They're like, No, no, no. It's like, It's just going to get rougher and rougher and more dangerous. Okay, so we're not leaving the deck today.

We're not. Now, listen, do I look like the captain who doesn't want to go out the water, the captain who wants to sit here and have a viewing party of Storm where we get clear internet. Do I seem like that a person? Do I? Okay, well, I've stayed here probably nine times out of 10 this season. It is my hobby to stay on the dock. You got me. I don't care. We're still staying on the dock. Bye, stupid.

Annalise is like, We're just stuck? Yeah, maturity-wise, yes, it does appear that you are. That's unfortunate for you, but there are some good therapists we could probably find in the mainland and bring them on the boat for you.

It's Oh, yeah? Well, I don't feel like we got much to do on this boat, guys, and not for nothing. I thought this boat was going to be twice the size, and I'm not that happy. Don't tell me this 20 ahead of person because I would never 20 ahead. Come on. Really 20 ahead for this? For sitting on the dock with a pussy captain, and I don't mean she got one. I mean, she is one. She's a walking vagina, all right? What is this?

Well, I'm sorry that it's not as beautiful as the Atlantic City ballrooms you're used to, but it is what you have, so enjoy it.

I'm sorry it's not as glamorous as the Doritos you get on the Staten Island ferry. You fucking loser. Go sit back on your bench.

I know it's not as thrilling as riding that two-bit roller coaster on the Jersey shore, but just give it a chance. Maybe you'll enjoy it.

Yeah, you silly beast. Okay, well, you know what? They're still talking down there. I can hear their lips flapping, literally. God, I looked at that woman's face and I said, God, I love that banana, and then realized It was a face. The banana was talking back to me. You know what? It gave me an idea. You guys want to feel the swells? Then go in the water then, you dummies. Anyone who wants to go out and dare the swells, we're going to send you with our dumbest person on a Tinder. Go do it. Monk hair. Take them.

Now, I actually like this. You know what? This is the Captain Sandy's equivalent of the Property Brothers showing someone a house that is everything that they want, but way outside their budget. Like, okay, well, you want to have five bedrooms and you want to have two islands in your kitchen, and you want to have three living rooms and a yard and be close to town. Well, guess what? Here it is. Oh, no. That's $5 million more than your budget. I guess we'll have to rethink it for house number two, you fucking idiots.

That's basically what she's doing. Yeah, sorry. We couldn't give you your dream. So here's Joe.

Okay? Joe. That's basically what she's doing. She's like, okay, so you want to go out to the sea Okay, you're going to do that, and you'll come back with some barf bags. Okay, enjoy your stupid face. Yeah, have that done. I mean that literally. Yeah. Face is stupid.

We're in the mess. Joe's in his cabin, and V and Kizzie are talking. Kizy's like, Oh, my God. I have to leave the ironing board out because I'm going to use it when I get back. I got to go. And because he's like, whatever. I understand why she's still upset with me. I really, genuinely, really do. But I feel like I've explained myself as much as I can. She has feelings, and I don't care about I literally broke up with my boyfriend to experience my season to the fullest. I've tried to fuck five guys on this, and not one has panned out. With Joe, I just have to really know if there's something there.

Just because you explained yourself does not mean that you automatically are forgiven. It just means that you've explained yourself, and now she has greater context as to why she should be mad. That's it. That's it. Now people are making orders, and Annaly is like, Can I have a leachy martini, please? Oh, God.

Why is it every tacky person we've seen this week orders a leachy martini? That's just like that. Now, if you order a leachy martini, you're tacky as fuck, as witnessed by this show, and what was it? The Valley Persian style, where she's like, giving him a leachy martini, that gross guy. So please just stop drinking those. Do yourself a favor, because it's like wearing a hello, my name is douche tag. It's over, leachy martini.

It's over. I don't like that leachies, to be honest. And that goes for Aaron. Stray is shot at Roni. So Cathy.

This is the second time today. Poor Aaron is never going to get away from it, man.

I know. Cathy, She just comes down the steps to start talking to Nathan, and his back has turned, so he doesn't see her. Max is like, Bro, I feel weird. Nathan's like, What's why? Why do you feel sick? He's like, No, no, no, no, no, She's in my head. I have to do a meditation. So Cathy, of course, hears this because she came down the stairs. She's like, We do. Nathan's like, Okay. Then Max just goes and does a meditation. We like to point out that Max is nonstop talking about this Cathy situation to anyone on this boat, and it's so tiresome. No one cares if you did not get to have a conversation with Cathy. Like, literally, no one cares. Just shut up.

I know. He's just drama queen, and he wants his moment because everybody else has had their moments. He's like, What about me? What about my altiblock? Nobody cares. I'm on your mom's side. Nathan's like, No worries, my man. Why, Jesus Christ, why am I stuck in the middle of this shit? I'm the most mature one on the boat. Just like to remind everybody for the 19th week in a row that he totally would have banged Kizy had he been allowed to that night, two days before he was begging Asia or What's your Buns back into his life. His life would not be so easy if Kizy was as dramatic as, say, V was being, even though I'm not saying V is out of control. I think V has a more sturdy case here. But if you almost took up with somebody and then completely dropped them the next day and said, Oh, yeah, I just like to fuck around with you when I'm drunk. That's the girl I really like. She could be making a lot more trouble for you than you're getting. You're pretty lucky to be getting away with this edit is what I'm saying, acting like, Oh, I'm the only mature one.

No, you're You just happen to hook up with Kizzie who doesn't really care.

That's correct. So, Kathy, she's like, Nathan's like, You look rad. She's like, Yeah, that's because he's a motherfucker. I'm sitting right here. Then we go back to Nathan and Cathy. Cathy's like, He basically just said, Yeah, let's cool off. Let's just distance ourselves, thing. I think he just gets so in his head, and he doesn't know how to express himself. Also, he's very, very stupid. That's something I'm starting to realize, a dumb, dumb man, but a good lay, and I deserve that, but very stupid, very, very stupid.

It just keeps cutting to Max meditating. He's like, Oh, Ba-bing, butter, butter on bread, oh, croissant.

That sounds delicious, too.

That's my meditation.

That's my... So V is avoiding Joe. She goes on the deck and Joe's there. So she's like, and she turns around and goes the other direction. And then Kizy is tending to her toe, which is getting worse and worse. And she's FaceTime-ing someone like, Look at my toe. What's wrong with my toe? And then Jennifer is talking to Sandy and being like, Okay, Sandy, by the way, you're so beautiful. You're so beautiful. I love the hair. It's wonderful. It's very medieval. I love the Middle Ages. It's great. It's wonderful. By the way, can I drive the boat now that I buttered you up? Brett and buttered you up, if you will? Can I?

You mean this boat? You have this boat. What do you think I She's like, Well, you could do it on autopilot. It's like, Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. She's got it. She's got it. Yeah, you know what? Her hair ain't the only one that's got jokes. She's funny. She's funny. This one's for fucking real.

She's very funny. It's very funny. Then Karen's like, You know what? These things are hard to drive. Okay, one time this guy owed my father some money or whatever, so he wound up acquiring a big boat and everyone laughs because they know what that means. He goes, No, she's like, True story. We acquired a big yacht, and then he's driving and we came to park in the pier and boom, he just started smashing into all these big boats. And next day, he's like, I don't want this thing. I'm done. I love that the next day, I was not like, Oh, my God, I owed all these people so much money for the repairs. It was like, eh, never mind.

He didn't pay that money for those repairs? It's a mob guy. He was like, yeah, you want to fucking complain about it? Complain to this. You want to do it? Come on. Talk to the barrel.

Yeah. Sorry about your boat. It was Captain Glenn's fault.

So then- He probably went up and beat all the other boat owners up for having their boats in his way.

It would be such a mob boss thing to do. It'd be like, Oh, hey, I just got a new boat. Let me be the one to drive it around, even though I'm not equipped whatsoever to drive a yacht.

Yeah. Come on, kids. Daddy just got this thing from a friend there.

Yeah. Karen tells the story. Then people, Asia and Cathy, are starting to run plates and everything. Cathy's like, Oh, look. It's a family-style lunch. They're like, Oh, no. Family-style. Although I feel like, I like lunch you're allowed to be family-style, especially because you know that this group is probably like, Hey, we're family. Okay? Family eats together. Okay. You know You know what? You know what I'm not going to do? Is I'm not going to go on that tender without my family. Okay? I've had enough. I want to eat it family-style because that's what families do.

Yeah. If there's ever a group of people that does not deserve plates, it's these ones. I'm surprised they even use forks. So They don't just eat straight out of the pots. It's a gross group of people. She was like, Well, I'm not really sure why Josh is still doing family style. We're a superyacht. We're a superyacht, Sandy. That's a standard in the Med. You plate. People in the Med, they like things on plates. What can I tell you?

God, you know what I love? I love learning about the Earth's crust because it's made of plates. Even the Earth does it family style, okay? So Captain Sandy is like, Josh, Josh, why family-style again? What's going on here, Josh?

He's like, Oh, is it lunches? She goes, No, no. Hold on one more. No. No, no.

Always be plating. A, B, P. Okay? Okay. Once in a while, you can do family style, but not as often as you're doing it. Okay? It just takes it down a notch every time. When you serve that seizure salad, I want one leaf on that plate, one leaf on that plate, and a crouton on that plate. Okay? That's called fancy.

Yeah. He's like, But I always do it this way on boats. She goes, No, you never do it this way on boats. Okay? That's our new mantra. Never do it this way. Okay, I could use some work on that one. It's not very catchy. But he's like, Well, I'm doing a plate of menu tonight for a full-course dinner. She's just, Oh, wow. Well, congratulations on half-eats, and it may be in the future.

Unfortunately, all the plates are welded together, and they form one big plate that one would perhaps call a platter. See, Josh, you can't do that. That doesn't count. Separate plates, not welded.

Josh, I want the food on the plate, or I want you on the ice. You got it? Oh, gosh. These guests are really wearing off on me. I'm going to go calm down. I'm going to go calm down.

You were my brother. Sorry. It's like, Captain Sandy, why did you just kiss me like that? Sorry, I just got caught up in all the mob stuff. Okay. All right.

He sings, so he pulls out his guitar, and he's in his clown outfit, dancing next to him. They're just putting every gross thing about Josh in one shot. I know. He's like, One more person mentions plate of meals. I think- Where's Dominic? Dominic, where are you? I can't have Josh with that Dominic there telling him how much he sucks. Please.

I know. Seriously. Josh is like, I'm just so confused, Asia. I was like, Oh, really? You're confused? It's like, I'm in plated lunch. No one does that. Okay, don't get too in your head about it, but everyone does do a plated lunch. People use plates. It's a stack of them. They've got dust on them. So please, plates. But you've done a good job for someone who's doing a bad job. But you're doing a good job. Don't stress out. But I would be stressed if I were you. Don't get in your head.

You are at the top of what you do, which is mediocrity. So congratulations. Just keep up with that. You want to use paper plates? Would that make it easier?

So then Captain Sandy is watching this tender going around and everything, and she's just like, Hey, yeah. Stuff that boat. Go, go. Actually, I'm sorry. She's telling Nathan to go out on the boat. She goes, stuff that boat into a wave, okay? Just get in there. Pretend it's Manikade and you're the cheese. Get in there. Stuff it in. Yeah.

I like this, even though she shouldn't be doing this because you're not supposed to be putting the guests in danger, but I still liked it. She's like, okay, they want it? Make them suffer. Drag them. Hold their heads underwater until they stop complaining. Okay, I don't want people back here until they say that they're going to be true and honest to the one and only Dame Judi Dench. I watched your first episode. I misdudeged it. She's amazing. She dessert the nightclub or whatever the fuck they gave her. God, that woman's amazing. Okay. She's great.

Now Josh is in the gallery with Kizzie, and Josh is like, I mean, this whole thing is fucking spinning me out. She's like, The plated thing? Yeah. I mean, plates. How are you supposed to even put things on plates? You can't even do it. She's like, Why don't you just put the thing on the plate? But I mean, you even hear that. You sound, yeah, ridiculous, you sound. I mean, one doesn't just put things on plate. It's just ridiculous. You can't even do this. How can I be a chef with this demands?

Uh-oh, guys, something important is happening. Captain Sandy is getting a text. Baby, I miss you, baby. Why don't I come to Barcelona. Bibi Lona, as I call it, and we can spend some Bibi time together before we go back. Bibi. Then we just see Captain Sandy reading it, and then she just looks up at the camera and goes, Wow. See that? I thought that was a good one.

That's a good one right there.

See it in that one. Yes, please. That's the one in the B. B. Hall of Fame.

Are you going to bring the little bear? Just tell the people on the airplane is not an actual bear. He's a dog. Okay, great. Then Max is like, Oh, No, Joe, I'm totally fucked. When Cathy's in the room, I'm like, I feel bad. I don't know why I said this, bro. It's like, Oh, shit. I mean, you should have thrown the fucking nuggets earlier, bro. I don't want to make her in pain. She This wonderful person, what do I do, Joe?

This is very minor, you know. Talk to Cathy. I'm not the best at giving advice because I thought I wanted something with Victoria. And the more I got to know Victoria, the less I actually wanted Victoria. Did How did you know that she had a dead boyfriend on her birthday? Nobody told me. I wouldn't have gotten involved with that. Somebody told me. She told you. Well, never mind. I still didn't want her. Completely unattractive. And that's what dating is about. It's finding out whether you're right for each other, whether or not somebody's dated somebody that's died before. You know, back in real estate, when I was a big-shot real estate person, you had to disclose that information before you dated a house.

You know, Max, you have to just lean into the dating process. As we all know, you meet someone, you fall in love with someone, they're hot, they're beautiful, good personality, and then you cheat on them. Then you change the narrative and say you never liked them in the first place, and they actually made your life hell. That's what dating is all about, Max.

So, thankfully, I've learned that Vee It wasn't for me when I was making out with other people while she was morning her dead boyfriend on her birthday, which I forgot both things. But, thank God, Kizy, the angel's here for me. Max is like, Wow, let us fist bump. You just said me to like, Kizzie.

Oh, God. Joe changing this narrative like, Oh, the more I got to know her, the more I was like, Whatever. I'm like, Then why were you crying? Because you've made out it with Kizzie? You were crying. Well, you were crying because you knew you messed up. You couldn't keep the one simple promise. But you made that promise because you liked her so much. You were trying to hold yourself to a higher standard. Then when she didn't let you off the hook, you decided that was the thing you didn't like about her. You didn't like the fact that she wasn't chill with the fact that you kissed another girl while on a very emotional day for her. So it's just extraordinary the way he is able to do mental gymnastics to somehow make himself the victim in this situation.

So now we go to the Tinder, and Frank is like, Oh, yeah. Welcome to fucking alone, the motherfuckers. Yeah, that's all right on the fucking boat. You got a problem. People said, We're going to be on a fucking boat. Here we are on a boat. I don't feel good. I don't feel good. I don't feel good.

They're all getting tossed around.

Yeah.

They're getting bounced around. Oh, my God. This is so much right now. They're screaming, and Sandy's watching, and she's like, Yeah, I hope they all come back with wet hair. They'll have to do their hair again. Yeah.

Annalisa is like, This is a nightmare. I guess Sandy does no best. Then we just cut to Sandy going, told him. Nailed it. Now, let's see. V is getting instructions on driving the tender back, and she's like, Yeah. Every once in a while, I remember being a green stew. I was a third stew. But I'm grateful for Nathan because he showed me. He showed me. He pushes the whole… Joe sucks, but Nathan's still cool, and that's something. That's something to me.

Hey, I just want to interrupt your internal monolog to say, You dock the tender like a pro. Good job. The way he just crashed into the wall and made Annaly's fly into the dock. Oh, great touch. Wasn't expecting that. Beautiful.

She bounced right off. That's crazy. God, I love that banana. Congratulations. You've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers.

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