Transcript of Ep 614 - iNasty

The Wild Wild West. It's time to go.

It's time.

It's time to face— you got to face up to the nasty things you said.

Yeah, man, we're finding out.

We're finding out as brothers.

You live by the I nasty, you die by the I nasty.

It's true.

It's the worst. It's the worst.

We were truly peak I nasty between 2016 and 2019. Two nasty brothers. And now as adult men, you gotta really come—

I I think it's radon poisoning. We were in the basement.

True.

You're in the basement, you're breathing in radon, you start going like, that guy's not that funny, man. That ain't funnier. Yeah, we were on TV.

We were on TV. I would be mad at people's like late night sets. I would see like a woman do a fucking Conan set and I'd be like, fucking bitch. Like, why do I care?

Just what happens, dude.

It is what happens. I mean, everybody—

my thing is, I'll never forget, like, I remember just like working, being a young man, and being like, I need to get a job and establish myself in the world. And I would like work at LA Fitness for like 30 minutes and like go out to my car and cry. It's so grim. It's so hard.

It's the nastiest.

So if you have the outlet, dude, yeah. I used to go iNasty on YouTube. I would just see a video of like a guy I like recording a swim meet and I'd be like, pedophile weirdo. He'd be like, hey, this is my family channel. And I'd be like, pedophile, 10 likes, yes, yeah, let's go.

Yeah, be careful to all the iNasty warriors out there. No, man, eventually you're gonna have to face who you were nasty to, and then you're gonna go, man, I was being such a bitch, dude, I'm so sorry.

The worst is when you don't even remember. Yeah, I'll get— I'll see stuff and I'll be like, huh? I never said— I'm like, oh fuck, I don't remember. I don't even remember that.

Yeah, when I got fired for being eye nasty, I was like, nah, I would never say that.

Uh, it happens.

Anyway, here's the most important piece of information that the people are dying to find out. The, uh, the wrens— the wrens did hatch and, uh I was lucky enough to be outside. It was a beautiful day. I was on my laptop. I was going over the roast jokes, which is a funny thing to sit outside. So funny to sit, take a laptop out, get a coffee, sit outside. It's like beautiful out and then just be like, Cheryl Underwood's husband is dead.

There's new life emerging around you.

But then I watched the baby come out of the Bud Light box. He jumped out of the top. And while I'm out there, I keep good track of the mom and dad.

You do?

I knew both of them were gone. So I see some, some rustling going on in the Bud Light box, and I go, I hit him with cuss. And then I watched the guy come out. He was bigger than I thought he'd be.

Really?

Yeah, they're pretty fucking thick.

Damn.

And but he was, he was, uh, fluffy. Oh, he had like fluffy feathers. I watched him jump. He started like hopping around. As soon as he came out, the mom and dad came right back and started like hopping around him while he was trying to like—

what?

It was— I was so happy.

Oh my God.

Then I go to the airport to pick up McKeever. I come back and he was dead in the pool.

Oh no, no.

And McKeever and Blizz were here, so I had to pretend I wasn't gonna cry. I got in, I was like, oh no. I was so fucking sad, dude. I got the pool net This is in front of them. This thing's so dead. I got the pool net, scooped it out, and then pressed on its chest. I tried to resuscitate my boy. He was very dead.

How many? How many?

They have like 3, 2 or 3 made it, but one of the fellas hit the pool.

My neighbor had a nest of barn swallows.

So Lamar just— the body, I couldn't look at it. I had to go inside for a second and pretend I wasn't incredibly upset. Because that is weird. And then I come back, Lamar just threw in the trash can in the kitchen.

The kitchen?

Yeah, he just put a dead bird in the house and then went back to gaming. I was like, we should have buried the man.

Did Lamar grow up on like a bayou or something? Why the fuck would he throw a dead bird inside in the trash?

Who knows?

I mean, at least over the fence, man.

That's the tragedy of the, the Wren.

Oh dude, that's— it's my neighbor in a similar journey, dude. Well, hey, They moved on. It's an empty nest. You're an empty Bud Lighter right now.

I still think about them. Now I'm just stuck with these nasty fucking cardinals.

That's all I have. They're— you have some cool cardinals though.

They are good.

You got some nice—

they just gave birth.

Did they really hatch?

I don't know how to use the words. Yeah, they gave birth.

Yeah, they gave birth. They—

and then hatched.

Yeah, they— they have their hatchlings. My neighbor had a similar, a similar thing where he had barn swallows. If you have a nest of barn swallows, it's actually illegal in Austin to like remove the nest. I guess because they're like endangered. So he had these like barn swallows nesting.

No one's going to find out.

I mean, that's true.

You can smash that fucking nest. That's true.

That's true.

It's like killing a praying mantis is illegal.

I guess if you like, if you told your neighbor, if I, if I, he was like, I got barn swallows, I saw him swatting it, I could be like, yes, which I would. Yeah, it was against the law. I would have called, I would have called the cops. I'm like, sorry, dude, I like you as a neighbor, but I would absolutely punish you under the law. But no, he was like laughing because he was like, dude, they're like right there. Like, and they like, they're protective, so they'll swoop on you if you're close to them. So they were like kind of like, yeah, we're kind of giving our whole porch to these birds. And he's like, it's nice. He got like real attached to them. They're shitting all over his porch. And then the one day he just saw one dead bird and he goes, I got 3 more. Every bird died. And he said the same thing. He was like, I went with like a— on a journey with this bird family. All their babies died. And then he's like, I don't even want to take the nest away. I'm like, what if they want to come back?

I know, more eggs. I'm leaving that nest. I might keep living in this house for one more year just to keep an eye on it, just to go, please come back, bros.

Tell you what, if you want some buddies right now, my garden's popping with lizards. It's been—

that's nice.

They're nice, they're low maintenance.

Did you get one of those rock things?

No, I didn't even get it. Well, my, my whole, uh, garden bed's made out of limestone rock, so they kind of chill on that. But they're— I think they're eating my strawberries. Could be wrong, but I don't even mind, dude. I, I call—

I make sure you're right. When you accuse someone of this.

I hear you, but I've seen guys go down the wrong path.

My buddy executed a possum, Steve. He fucking stabbed the possum.

You can't— awesome. I had a possum in my yard. I liked him.

Possums are good. He stabbed it, he drowned it, and then it wouldn't drown, so he stuck a fucking spike through its chest.

Aim right.

It's fucking crazy. He showed me. I was like, bro, I don't like you.

That's not right. Yeah, possums also eat snakes and shit. They're good to have.

They're good. After he did it, he was telling me about it and I was like, bro, I'm pretty sure they're good for gardens.

They are.

There's no way he was grubbing near tomatoes and shit.

And yeah, I looked it up today. They will— I don't know if it's them per se, because we have those fake owls and I don't see a lot of birds in my garden, so I don't think it's the birds munching them. But I swear, I think these— but it's— I don't even care, dude. I caught them having sex the other day. I have lizards having sex on video. It's pretty tight.

That is tight.

My dog tried to eat them while they're having sex, which would be cool.

The ultimate three-way, getting devoured mid-sex. Pure life.

It was pretty nice.

It's almost as good as— honestly, the wren did have a good life. Yeah, dance with his parents, splish splash a little.

Yep, hit the pool.

It's a good life.

Hey man, some birds fly, he swam. Off limits.

Don't joke about that. I mean, dude, I know roasting is therapeutic, bro. Look, as a roast master myself, we only roast the wrens we love.

That is a sick life for a bird, though. You got to go, you know, jumped around with his mom and dad. Yep.

And then La Merlie threw him in a fucking trash can underneath, like, cum tissues. Oh God, buried like a pharaoh surrounded by cum.

How could you just do that, dude?

Why are you, bro? I didn't know what to do. I just thought I'd put it in a bag and put it in the trash.

Oh, you bagged it?

All right, you bagged it. That's nice.

Yeah, I didn't want to leave it in the trash roll, you know. Trash roll, it's gonna— because they stink. That would have stunk so bad. Although if you time it right, I guess you could toss it. I should have been— I would have gone right there.

He wouldn't have smelled. Yeah, it was fresh. He was fresh. Yeah, he's about the size of a tiny mouse.

That bird would have got the stinking. Poor guy. RIP to the bird. But the other two—

LeMaire was there for me pretending not to be really upset.

How'd you feel about it?

So sad, dude. I was kind of sad. Everyone was— everyone was pretty bummed out.

Yeah, man.

See a floating baby bird in the pool, it was kind of bummed. Especially because I like, as soon as I got back from the airport, I was like, John, check this out. Oh, my guys hatched. They're out, they're jumping around.

Oh no, the parents, the parents were like, no, don't.

I almost jumped in with my clothes on. Not even like a jump in, like one of those where you run. Wait.

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I'm—

I didn't know that happened.

Yeah, I'm sorry to the— I know a lot of the listeners were excited to find out. Yeah, but anyway, back to the roast.

True.

I don't like the way people talk about roasts when they're like, roasting is just like, this is just what we do, what we do. Um, it's—

yeah, it was, uh, yeah, that's, that was the, uh, that's part of the culture, bro. Snapping.

I did have to snap, dude. I had both my guns loaded, full clips, ready to dunk on Cheryl Underwood's husband for some reason. So I really did that. Yeah, I did call her.

I saw there was an article about it because I felt like—

I was like, this is a serious thing to make fun of somebody for, and I don't know her. Yeah, well enough to be like, make— so I called her to— and you, you saw her on the road. She's wild, dude. She was, she was a delight to talk to on the phone.

Yeah, I bet.

And, uh, then, uh, how did you even breach the subject?

Like, hey, how you doing? Oh yeah, it's pretty nice out. Yeah. Hey, quick thing, uh—

oh no, she immediately—

she read it.

I was like, hey Cheryl, I gotta ask you about this joke. She's like, you can make fun of my husband for jumping off a building. It's like, that's it. That's it.

And look, thinking about that, I have no problem not doing it.

It's probably gonna make me look bad, so I'm definitely okay with not doing it.

Yeah.

So then the next day I go into a meeting and I'm like, I don't think I should do that joke. Left the meeting with 4 more jokes about it. I was like, it's my entire set now.

Uh, what in the meeting was the meeting like? Execs and shit?

There were 2 Netflix people in there, but I think they were just writing. Yeah, what we were talking about. Okay, so there's more But, uh, yeah, that, uh, and the, uh, bonsai tree joke— could have, could have done without it. Yeah, turns out.

You never know though.

Turns out, could have done without it. Yeah, sometimes you, you know, I mean, I was running it in front of the wrong crowds. Yeah, I was just doing it in Austin and then Boston and they were like, fuck yeah, dude. No, I did it in Nashville, Charlotte, Austin, and Boston. All 4 cities were like, you gotta do it.

It's unanimous.

I did do it. I ran it at Chappelle's. Yeah, that— it was, it was me. It was, it was a cool room. Yeah, it was exactly who would be upset by it, and they liked it.

That's the other thing too. It's like, I think people still laughed and thought if you, if you were to try to take like a general— if you sit outside of a gas station today and call it the afternoon rush, like, what'd you think about that? They'd be like, bro, you don't give a fuck, bro. That was hilarious, dude. Yeah, I already called— I fielded— I was taught— I was on a construction site yesterday. They're like, bro, they don't give a fuck. That was great, man. So yeah, the boys are fired up. Yeah, I will say this, I just think— I think the tallies in on that specific roast, I think the white boys went dumb. It's true, the white boys went dumb. The white boys went dumb.

The white boys— the white boys might have went too dumb. Everyone's upset that the white boys went dumb.

The white boys might be the king of snapping now. Hey, look, I'm just going off what I saw.

You think the white boys are the king of snapping?

I think so. I think so. I think the white boys are the king.

I just know that's getting a fucking headline. Matt McCusker says the white boys are the kings of snapping. Let me tell you something, Matt McCusker, you'll never be the king of snapping.

I'm not the king of snapping.

I mean, but it could be the case.

I can snap.

You can snap.

I can snap. But I, I don't know, if someone snaps me, I'll get real sad. I don't like— I was watching that being like, dude, I would fucking spaz.

I— that's what you think. And then it is— I mean, I didn't really get anything too bad.

Yeah, true.

But it's funny. Yeah, when someone makes fun of you like that, it is, it is funny. But everyone's like, it was genuinely funny getting made fun of. That's true.

I thought that—

I was really afraid I was going to be like Well, here's the problem.

Here's the problem though. You did well. If I did poorly and then someone made fun of like my kids, I'd have been like, yo, seriously dude, something's wrong. Seriously dude, knock it off.

You know what else though?

I didn't even just try to fight Jermaine. What's the NBA guy? Yeah, I'm fucking seriously, Mr. Green, that's enough. All right, there's limits. But if I did it good, I'd have been like, yeah.

I didn't even consider how bad it was to go first. Yeah, until— and then I remembered, like, I saw, like, at the roast of, uh, at Voss's roast, everyone just made fun of Florentine for his ex killing herself. Yeah, like before he went. And then when he went, everyone was like— the whole crowd was like, come on, Jim. Yeah, so like That was his wife.

Yes. Goddamn.

Yeah, he got it pretty good.

Also nicest dude ever.

I met him before, man. But then he got on and just murdered.

So that's cool.

But, uh, what I'm saying is, like, going first, you look like you're just a psycho. Everyone's like, why is he fucking— like, who's this guy saying mean things for no reason?

Well, that's— well, at least you have first dibs on stuff in case there's, like, things bleed together. But I get it, dude. Opening a crowd and being— obviously you're like, you're not even thinking like, okay, I gotta like, I gotta lead these guys into the waters. You're just coming out and it's like, bam.

Yeah, I should have, uh, I should have been a little more articulate up front of being like, this is a roast. I mean, we're gonna say some terrible things.

They also know, everyone knows, of course.

But it happens. They sure didn't. The live, the live audience, that front section did not agree with anything I was saying.

Well, that's also, that's, you know, That's the elites, dude. They're, they're like, they can get charged. Well, they can get charged with like face crime, so they're probably just, they're probably just like deadpan, just kind of like, that's actually very funny, because they can't be up there. If you're like the CEO of like Nesquik, you can't be like, you have to just be like, like everything else in your—

you just have to go, nothing. I don't like anything.

There's, there's 5 million shareholders depending on you to just be like, oh fuck.

Yeah.

That does suck though. If I was up there, there's just a bunch of like very elegantly dressed people being like, fine, I quit, I'm done.

Also, Kevin is— he's like a pro at this shit. So he was like, he's helping you. Yeah, he wants the show to go well. So if you say something terrible, he's gonna be like, hey, you're crazy. He's not gonna be like, what the fuck?

I thought he was great with that though, because the whole time you watch him I mean, yeah. I also love when he did— when he would stand up and just kind of prance around. I'm like, there's literally nothing better. Yeah, it's nice if a Black dude stands up out of his chair and laughs. You're just like, it's better than spit take. I was just being like, yes!

And then Cheryl— Cheryl was so fucking funny.

Yeah, that was—

she did a completely different thing in the rehearsal. We did a rehearsal that's like a couple hours before the show, and she just made up what she was going to talk about then too. She made up the whole thing. It was great.

That's insane. Yeah, she might be queen of snapping there.

She's the queen. She's the queen.

I really think so.

Going—

just going ad-lib on that on TV is really kind of insane.

But I will say, when I was sitting up there and they're like, if you say the N-word, we'll all beat your ass, I was like, I'm not gonna say it.

Yeah, what the hell?

What the hell is this joke? I wasn't gonna say it.

That might have been a pre-loaded—

no, because it was off of me saying Wigger Dracula.

Oh yeah, got you, got you.

But then I watched, you know, Earthquake stand up like, yeah, no, Earthquake, don't be my ass. Earthquake, Earthquake ruled. He was in the front. There was certain people that I could count on. Earthquake, Jay Pharoah, those are my guys, dude.

Yeah, that is pretty nice actually.

It was nice to see who was like, go for it, dude.

All you need are a couple of guys. If you have a couple of guys, especially Quake— if you got Quake on your side—

it was the same with the ESPYs. I needed Jon Jones and Drewski and Lamar Jackson. Lamar Jackson got me through a couple. Look down, saw Lamar Jackson laughing, I was like, that's so sick.

Was it even close to as tight as the ESPYs?

No, it was, it was a lot better than that.

Yeah, that— they were tight.

But I wasn't being— making racist jokes, really. Yeah, at the ESPYs. Yeah, that's where you feel bad. You make a racist joke, you look out and you see an older Black lady going, I'm so sorry, I don't believe in what I'm saying, I swear I'm joking. I know I look like I'm serious.

I'm keeping it straight.

But overall, it was— oh, another Lizzo. What a fucking treat. You were saying she was awesome.

I know, I know. Absolute angel.

I'm telling you, in hindsight, I guess she never really did anything that I shouldn't like.

Just— it's the media, dude. It's like the media, the media's eye-nasty. Commentators are eye-nasty. Podcasters can be eye-nasty at the weaker moments. Sure, it's weird. An eye-nasty ecosystem.

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Aldi, Gutes für alle. We're fucked. No one will ever get a job ever again. Fuck. And it's just like, dude, why, why are you guys doing this to everybody? Don't do that. That's not nice. And this guy's a fucking idiot. You're like, all right, that's cool. I'm in the debate sphere right now. My algorithm is just debates, dude. They're— I— they're the funniest fucking things in the world. It's like, well, no, that's just a logical fallacy. And they'll be like, yeah, you're fucking retarded. Like, what did you call me? It's like, oh, I'm just saying. It's, it's fucking crazy. It's unbelievable.

Yeah, I saw one. I was just taking a shit and I saw a nice one.

Did you really?

It was, uh, fuck, I'm forgetting his name. Who was the guy that did Vice and then the Proud Boys?

Oh, Gavin McGuinness.

Yeah, he was doing something on Piers Morgan and some lady was like, he— they were like, what citizenship are you? He was like, Canada, United States, and England.

Okay.

And they're like— she was like, you can't have three, you can only be dual citizenship. He was like, Yeah, I can, you fucking stupid bitch. They were like, what'd you say? He was like, I called her a stupid fucking bitch. It's just mid-debate spaz. Yeah, whatever, you fucking idiot.

It's nothing but— I watch him, everyone, you eventually do it. And it's funny too, when someone gets you in a debate, you go, okay, look, I see what you're saying, but— and you just jump to another. It's so fucking funny.

Yeah, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on this.

Yeah, let's table that for now. You're being kind of pedantic. Let's table that for now. What I'm really talking about— it's, dude, it's really nonsense. I was reading a book, it was too dense. I had to read a book about the book to try to understand it. But they were basically saying that like in modern— like in modern times, morality's been so kind of like jettisoned from what it originally kind of was formed around, which was like divine law basically from like religion. So now when people have moral arguments, it's just they're not really rooted in anything other than people's personal preferences. And then all people do is just like yell at each other because they're like, I like this. And they're like, well, you're a fucking retard. I like this. And that's all debate is anymore, according to Alasdair MacIntyre.

I agree with Alasdair MacIntyre.

Alasdair MacIntyre is the man.

I hope so. I don't know, dude.

I catch up.

I'm done saying people are cool too.

He's cool.

I'm not saying— I'm not saying people are good or bad anymore.

Well, you know what's funny? So he was like a philosopher in the '80s who came up with this book about kind of morality and whatever. And so I was trying to learn more about it. It's really hard. All those books are so fucking hard to read. They expect that you just know all of Greek mythology. They'll be like, obviously Persephone. And you're like, fuck, who the fuck is that? You got to read about that. But there was a lady, a professor, I believe, was covering the book. And then in the introduction, she was like, yeah, and he says a lot about community and practice. He's had 4 different wives, which, that's kind of weird. I'm like, why are you being nasty? You're supposed to be a fucking academic. Now you're being nasty to Alistair McIntyre. He's dead. The guy's fucking died like 2 years ago. Just toss in there, you're being like, 4 wives, you know, like 4 fucking wives. What the hell? What's he talk— what's he know about community, guys? Fucking asshole. And you're like, what the fuck? You have a PhD. No one's immune, dude. No one is immune. It's just, it's, it is, it's the path for people now.

It is the absolute path. And it's, you know, just it's what the people want right now. They want to get nasty. You know, I would love to get a device hooked to my phone. I mean, I guess you could just monitor your Apple Watch because I'm pretty sure my vitals go up by like 10 heartbeats a minute. I was on the other day just, just on the internet. Yeah, dude, and I just got like— then I sat down, I was like, I didn't feel like this before I went to my phone.

It's bad. It's the devil.

It is the devil.

I've been doing all right staying off it this week. Yeah, I'm doing my best.

But then you stay off it and someone goes, you know, I sent you a bunch of shit, you didn't see it. And you're like, I was off.

And they're like That's okay, I can handle that.

Yeah, true, true.

It's more someone gives you bad news. Yeah, you see what they're saying about you. No, I'm trying to avoid it.

Yeah, don't. That's— dude, when people hit you up, be like, yo, you see they're calling you gay on Reddit? I'm like, I don't— don't call me.

Don't tell me.

Don't call me that. My cousins do that to me. Like, yo, they're calling you gay and say you suck at basketball on Reddit. I'm like, I don't even— what the fuck are you talking about?

I don't suck at basketball.

I'm pretty good. I'm getting better. What the fuck? Yeah, man, I've been, I've been hooping lately. That's been my, that's been my absolute dreams. I do have hoop dreams now, absolute hoop dreams. It's been— I, I've learned I have to, I do have to tone it down on the court. I'm telling you, I need— I, I've, I came up playing different, bro.

True.

I might have to go, I might have to go to the hood to play ball. The gentlemen, dude, they don't like it, dude. You talk a little tiny bit of shit, I feel like you can contest a foul call. I thought that was totally acceptable, like foul, what the fuck. People like, what?

Every single person does that. Everybody never played a single game where someone's like, oh, you're gonna call that?

I know.

Yeah, you slapped me, you hit me in the face.

I'll— if I actually get you, I'll call it on myself. But sometimes there's calls where I'm like, loose ball calls and fucking pickup?

Come on, bro, that's crazy, dude.

But yeah, we— I've, I've squashed— I squashed all my court beef.

There's nothing worse than a—

before court beef, I squashed them immediately because I can be a little bastard too, just be like, oh, you're not gonna call that one, huh? They're like, what the fuck is your problem, man? I'm trying to play. I'm like, yeah, my bad, my bad.

Yeah, you've reached an age where you can't do that.

I can't help it, bro. I know, but it's a fiery old head.

If I played, I'd be doing the exact same thing. That's how you play. Yeah, dude, I hate you.

You build the rivalry.

Yeah, you go, I actually dislike the other team. My guys are my brothers. I'll die for them.

I don't know any of their names. Yeah, yeah, man.

You throw it to the wrong team. Fuck, I thought he was on my team, dude. You ever see Have you guys ever seen Jordan's game-winner against UNC? Or when he was at UNC, he won the national championship. It's like an iconic— oh yeah, yeah. Uh, maybe it was, it was like a defining moment. He hits, he hits a corner jumper to win the national title. There was 20 seconds left. The other team gets the ball and comes down the court with 20 seconds. The guy at the top of the key just throws the ball to North Carolina. He throws it to the wrong guy. No, it just— everyone just sucked. It's like a street ball fucking pass, like a little kid. The guy gets the ball, no one's really pressuring him, he just panics and throws it to another guy. Oh, that's the game.

There's 20 seconds.

I thought MJ hit a buzzer beater.

That's crazy. I didn't know that either. Yeah, what?

Give it a look. It's a guy—

probably had action.

He probably had a comically bad pass.

Yeah, that's insane. I didn't know that. Yeah. I guess they don't— I guess that makes it not as exciting when they show that at the end.

Guy hits this spaz for the— with the title on the line?

That's one thing I think is unnecessary in pickup basketball. Like you can find the players who like if they get the ball of spasms, literally toss them here.

Throw it here!

That is how I'll just be like start yelling. I watched a guy like he threw the ball and I was like ah, that was a dirty play. Yeah, or when someone shoots and you go You lower your head at them, they go, it fucks up.

You can't be doing this shit.

I was hitting them with fucking—

I was hitting them with driveway McCusker Cousins, clapping while they're shooting in their face, playing fucking defense with a hand in their face. Yeah, dude, you're a fucking dickhead. That's crazy.

I'm toning it down. I'm learning. I'm learning how to play because I really just want to run around. That's my thing. I'm like, if I get to run around, you know, if I lose, I'm like, whatever, good game. But I thought the thing is you talk shit and then you get to like, you get the back and forth, then you call an iso and you get to go one-on-one against each other. It's fun.

But now, bro, calling iso is also crazy.

You don't call it, but you get it.

You set picks to get a matchup and go, oh, here we go. I got this dumb pussy who wanted to just work out today and was like, I'll try basketball, dude.

I go by myself now as I'm trying to get used to the rims, so I'll run back and forth full court and just practice my fast breaks, my pull-ups. It's so nice.

I'm trying to get—

I'm trying to get— it's double rim, it's hard as hell.

Of course.

I'm trying to get— if I can get my— I'm trying to get like my like 7 to 8 footer down, my fadeaway, step back. I, I run drills by myself.

I know. I feel so bad for the guys in your neighborhood that have to deal with this fucking guy every time you show up. They must be like, so you get out of your car with your fucking wraparound Oakleys on.

I'm getting that sense, honestly.

This guy would be like, oh fuck, he's here again.

And then I'll score like 4 points.

4 points, 15 fouls, 10 rebounds. You are Draymond, dude.

They were— I was— when they were booing him, I'm like, you don't deserve that, dude.

No, Draymond's the— Draymond's the fucking man.

Yeah, dude, he plays hard.

He was nervous.

Yeah, I mean, imagine that. Yeah, imagine just out of nowhere.

And then me and Pete were talking, I was— I like walked over them right before we started. I was I'm so fucking nervous. Oh shit. And Dre Mom was like, oh, thank God you said that, dude. I'm so fucking nervous. And P was like, dude, I'm gonna fucking die.

That must be such a relief when you get done your set and all you gotta do is just kind of sit there and be like, all right.

Oh, you'd like this. At the beginning, at the very beginning, the way they introduced me is, uh, Black Thought from The Roots is like, you guys ready for the roast? Now the roundest thing on tires, Shane Gilliland. And I didn't know that, and I was walking out like The fuck, Black Thought?

Didn't— no, that wasn't him. I know. Yeah, there was someone who was beefing with you. It was, it was not Black Thought. No, I thought your enemy finally spiked you.

No, no, no, me and, me and my— I know that who you're talking about. We're good.

That's nice, that's nice.

And, uh, Black Thought used to do shows at Punchline Philly.

Did he really?

Yeah, I've known him for forever.

That's awesome.

When I was in Philly, I would do shows.

Yeah, that's awesome. He got you.

He was excited to see him.

That's nice. You got a little— that's the, that's the move. You get one roast, introduce, out. Yeah, it's kind of nice.

Yeah, I was just walking on stage and someone's like, look at this fucking fat piece of shit. All right, hey everybody, welcome to Los Angeles. Coolest guy alive just called me fat in front of millions of people. How's everyone doing? Oh, Tom Brady just called me a fat piece of shit. All right, what else is on the docket? Oh, The Rock came out and called me a bitch. Okay, cool.

I will say, dude, huh, whose tequila—

whose tequila was better, The Rock's or Kevin Hart's? Yeah, now that's a good question, Lemise. Uh, I don't know. I don't know which one I had.

That's where it was.

Which— yeah, I don't—

yeah, I've never had Kevin Hart's. I've had Teremana. I've had The Rock's. I'm a big tequila guy, but I don't know. You know who's as nice? I'll be honest, McBride's.

Oh really?

I was shocked. I mean, it's like, you know, you just never think when people are like, oh, there's a guy, he has a tequila, I tried it.

I said, god dang, I can't really taste the difference.

I can tell.

I can, unless it's like bad, bad. You can go, oh, this is the worst. Yeah, worst drink I've ever had in my life. What, just bad tequila?

Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah, when they hit you with the additives, you go— there's a certain flavor, you go Oh, that's a weird one. But it's, you know, there's a lot of them. It's all good at the end of the day. Put lemon in it and shit, lime, whatever. It's pretty good. But I was shocked. Did you ever see his website? He does like skits on his tequila website where he's like, people are getting their legs chopped off while they're feeling the agave.

Who, uh, McBride? Yeah, I saw the one with him and, uh, Stevie Janelle.

Yeah, he cuts his leg off.

Great.

I just got it in the mail. I was like, Christmas time, like, what the fuck is this? It was good.

What's it called? I think I have it.

Gato or something.

Yeah, that's right.

I think it's Gato. Yeah, I'm, I'm big on the celebrity. I've— I'll try all of them. I don't know why, I just like, I like to try them out. Then I don't really drink, so I just need to get a celebrity moonshine.

Celebrity moonshine, 350 proof.

Just kill everyone and just have it complete. Get it made like, like, like chemically made in China. You should get like the fentanyl of alcohol.

Just get fentanyl.

Dudes are drinking it, they're getting abscesses.

I keep looking for my wrens, dude. Ah, last time I was sitting here, they were there. He was still alive, dude.

That bird's— that bird's hopping around in spirit right now. Just jumping around the house. Poor little guy.

I don't think the other guys are gonna make it. I saw them. Were they just in the backyard now?

They're popping around.

Yeah, he's just jumping into the neighbor's fucking window.

You got turf too, don't you?

In my yard. Yeah, but they're in there, probably hitting that on the other side of the fence.

Oh, that's good. How the hell they get over there? Are they flying?

Yeah, they can fly. They flew right away.

Oh, they're good. Yeah, if they, if they flew, I think they're— I mean, they're both probably gonna die really quick. I think the survival rate for birds— but it's fine. I was thinking about them pecking the turf for worms and just slowly dying of hunger. Matt, just like, what is this?

I have feed out there. I put a bunch of bird feed. Oh yeah, I forgot. I threw it in the yard. I threw it. I got bird feed. They're now pool's covered in bird shit.

I forgot you had them ready. You had them set up.

Also, cardinals are dickheads.

Are they mean?

They control the fucking birdhouse.

Have you got good footage over there?

Yeah, it's just a fucking squirrel that eats everything and then two and a family of cardinals. That's all I got. Then occasionally me or LeMaire walking out towards it, looking at it, just standing there.

LeMaire grabbing like a 10-year-old sunflower seed.

Yeah, yeah, LeMaire will get in there. I'll catch a mare at 4 in the morning. Night vision. A squirrel comes up, he's like, July 17th, I'll be at the Link in Philadelphia. We just released, uh, some new tickets, so please, please purchase them. Please come. It's gonna be a hoot. There's gonna be a lot of people there.

I will be in Chicago this very Saturday. I'll be in Toronto as well. And then Chicago this Saturday, May 16th, 7 PM at the Riviera Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Uh, there's, there's a few tickets left there. You know what's left? Single seats. A bunch of single seats dotting in.

So it's fun going to show by yourself, is a nice treat.

Yeah, come by yourself and, you know, butt up. You can sit next to someone's girlfriend, probably touch the thigh with your leg.

So you do it the whole show.

You can do it the whole show. Hey, I'm fucking crammed in here. This guy's a jerk. Um, but yeah, so come to that. That'll be very fun.

Yes. Hey guys, it's me, Sean. I'll be in Cincinnati next week. Please come if you can. SeanGardini.com. And Optimum Noctis is next week as well, so please come.

What's the date on Optimum Noctis?

May 19th.

May 19th.

Please come to Optimum Noctis on May 19th. Uh, tickets are available at SeanGardini.com. And then I'll be in Charleston and Raleigh too. Thank you.

Yeah, nice.

Thank you guys.

But yeah, that sucks that your baby birds died. What, just one?

Just one.

If the other two flew, that's, that's good news. They made it over that fence. That fence is like, that's the ultimate test for a baby bird. That's a big-ass fucking fence. So what did you see him learn how to fly, or do they start from the ground and like—

He was hopping, but he was flying pretty quick.

That's tight.

Yeah.

That's tight.

It was just great to see mom and dad jumping around.

Mom and dad trying to block, like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, chill. Ah, they were hopping around. They looked happy. Yeah, they're hopping there.

Yeah. Oh shit, they don't know. They had no idea what's going on. Oh fuck, mom's probably pregnant again right now. I hope.

Get back in here.

That would be so tight. Yeah, I wonder how— I wonder how, uh, How often do wrens like churn them out? Is it like per season? Because I know rabbits—

I think it's season.

It's a season? Yeah, because rabbits will kick out like 4 litters. They fucking— they rock them, man. They're nice.

I think coyotes are year-round too.

Really?

I think they're like non-stop.

That'd be nice.

What is it?

2 broods per season.

Oh, we got another brood.

You have another brood?

Yeah, it goes till August.

Oh, typically, bro, if they get back in here, I'll be fucking pumped.

She's out. She's probably out there shaking ass right now.

Don't talk about her like that, dude. They're a couple. They're together.

She's probably shaking her tail feathers right now.

They're together.

That's good. If they're together forever, that's nice. Yeah, dude, the pair bonding data on wrens, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see if they stay together.

I was watching a thing yesterday saying that human pair bonding is all fucked up because we can't smell each other. He's like, you're supposed to like smell a lady's B.O. and see like if you're nervous, if your, uh, immune systems are like compatible. There's another—

fuck all that.

You don't want to— you don't smell like an immune system?

No, I, I don't care about that. I don't like whoever, whatever weird freak came up with that. He was like, our pair bonding's fucked up. We should— it's like, I'm tired of everyone being like, you know, we're not designed to actually be doing this. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I feel like I'm designed to be playing Xbox. I'm obviously designed for it.

They have very strong pair bonding, of course.

Oh, they're together forever. God, love wins at the end of the day.

Love wins again, dude.

I miss the iNasty. Love wins.

I miss all the iNasty people. I'm gonna get DMs being like, I'm glad that— oh no, fuck that, Ron.

That's bullshit, dude.

What? What?

Oh no.

What is it, guys?

Nate found out some bad news.

It says, uh, most birds do not reuse the same nest for future seasons.

It's all right, there's a— there's another box right next to it.

Yeah, true. And also, and they had a good—

that was a good one, dude. I'm pretty sure you talk about shittiness, they're coming back.

Yeah, I like to believe they're coming back.

That's the penthouse. Although you can— I'm sure you can also recreate—

what the fuck you guys doing to me? What the fuck you guys doing over there?

It wouldn't be hard to recreate that.

I told my mom about the Cardinals.

What'd you say?

Well, she thinks Cardinals represent my dead grandmother. Oh, so she's like Oh, that's, that's my mom. I was like, yeah, it's my mom. For some reason it made me upset. I was like, Mom, that's so fucking dumb. But I'd love to make fun of her. I saw a cardinal and I was like, mama. I know it's in there.

If I heard one person say that, I'm like, yeah, I know, I know exactly what you're saying.

Yeah, it's definitely mama.

That's really sweet. It is funny. Then you see her just bullying birds.

Yeah, that means my mom's watching. I hope not.

Yeah, true.

I hope my mom's not peeking through the glass in here, just tapping the glass naked for a day. Didn't go outside yesterday.

I have neighbors behind me now, like right up against the back, and I'm now— I'm trying to be more mindful of shutting my shutters because I'll get naked during the night. I'm naked and I just forget.

Lights on naked? Oh yeah, dude, you're free.

I just forget because we had nothing back there. Now there's just— and it's just like, whoom, right up against us.

Some poor kid, I hope not, growing up with a freak bull neighbor.

We just forget. I, you know, once, once everyone's asleep, I'm fucking— I'm hitting it. I'm in the birthday suit. I'm in the birthday suit shaking titties for my wife. I'm like a male wren just fucking hopping around.

So what do you think of this?

I'm due, brother. I'm due. I've been— man, I've been suffering.

Really suffering.

Yeah, I've been suffering so hard.

How bad?

Bad, bro. I'm waiting. I'm due.

I'm due.

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep the other night. I get to the point where I can't fucking sleep out of horniness. It's just— it— I'm— if I go a week, if I'm on a week retention, the 7th, 8th day, I'm gonna lay in bed and just like my cells are just kind of like, I can't sleep. It'll just take me significantly longer to fall asleep. And I'm going like this, you're just out cold. You have no idea. I'm over here suffering, dude, and you're just sleeping fitfully.

You gotta take matters into your own hands at that point.

Yeah, but then, but then, well, I will at a certain point, but then you go, this is what I get? I just have to masturbate for the rest of my life? Because I'm off the nog too. I, again, I'm not making a big thing about it. I just, I'm like I'm like, I don't want it. I don't want it in my life. And then I go, hey, I'm trying not to— why do you even need to watch that? I go, this is naked tits.

It's cool.

It's awesome. There's naked tits and I saw them when I was like 9 and it's just— you're not— it's just— I'm always going to watch that if you don't touch my penis. So it's a tough combo.

She said, why do you even watch that?

I've got a feel of that a bunch of times. Why would you even have to watch that? I go, what do you mean? Why? I mean, I don't have to, but like, you know, why does an engine—

speeds up the process.

Yeah, why does an engine need grease? You know what I mean? Like, come on.

We're gonna lube the wheels a little.

Exactly.

I mean, bro, they're gonna only be on the jack-off for 3 hours, or do you want it to be 5 fucking minutes? You tell me.

You gotta do— you gotta relieve the tension in the bow, otherwise it breaks. Of course.

You got a longbow. You got a British longbow.

I got the crossbow, dude.

I got a stubby hunt— I got a stubby Irish hunting bow.

I am losing weight. I'm excited to get like 0.001 inches length back. Yes, it's nice. I'm trying to get down to like 180. Did 4 miles a day.

That's sick. In the Texas sun, it blows. I went for a walk yesterday.

I—

it was fucking miserable. Yeah, I should have put on sunscreen. I forgot.

What time did you go?

1 or 2?

That's—

dude, that's fucking terrible.

Absolute heat of the day.

Yeah.

You, if you catch like an 8 AM when the sun's just kind of just getting settled, it's so nice.

I'm not catching that.

Catch it, catch it.

Now with this schedule.

Yeah, true.

I'm dying, brother.

Yeah, you must be tired.

I'm tired. Must be tired, dude. I had to— we did a show in LA on Wednesday night. After the show, we had to fly to Boston to do the Boston show. I left LA at like 11 AM or 11 PM. Ah, cross-country flight, lose 3 hours. I got in at like 7:30 AM, went to sleep. I slept from like 8 to 2 maybe. Oh dude, then had to wake up and go do the fucking Boston Garden, but—

and Thrice as well, right?

And then Friday, Saturday. But that was, that was awesome. Boston's like, yeah, that's literally the best.

But that does suck.

And then after the show Saturday, get on a plane and fly back to do the roast that day. And the roast on, on the West Coast, we had to start— I just, I had to get there at like 9 AM. Ah, yeah.

So you did a night flight back, basically?

Yeah.

You must be tired.

I'm a little tired from that.

Yeah, I mean, that's like—

that's literally nothing yesterday. I'm fine.

That is the stuff of—

it takes one day.

Yeah, coast to coast is tough.

Coast to coast is really tough.

Coast to coast, really.

California to Boston and a show that day, that sucked.

Yeah, yeah, that's— yeah, that's fucking— it is funny going from like LA and then just hitting like the palest.

I was so happy to be home, so happy to be back on the East Coast. The Northeast, just with the ugly pale guys, was my brothers.

Yeah, it's nice actually.

Fucking dogs, finally.

Boston does rule.

Boston's maybe the best city.

Yeah, it is.

It's up there.

It is really nice. Anytime you put out a bunch of shows, Boston always is like sells out. Yeah, so fast. So weird. It's like, it's— there literally just are the bros there.

That was my last arena.

Really? Yeah. For what?

For the— for that arena tour? Yeah, yeah. That's the only thing I have left is the Link, dude. It's time to focus on the Link.

Oh man, I told you what happened to me. I got focused. Yeah, I got fucking high. Like, I got high off a gun. Thought about it, thought about it. I full body panic attack. I was like, that's so many fucking people. And I just— for real, full body, just like, fuck. Yes. Doesn't even make sense.

You're entering my room.

Nothing makes you—

entering what I've been doing for 3 straight years every day. Every day you wake up and go, holy shit, fuck, it doesn't make sense. And they go, you know what, fine, I'll check the internet. Fuck him. All right, fuck, all my thoughts were right. I am a terrible person.

It is funny that it's like, it really is, it's like the, the part of yourself that's like looking out and judging the world just gets like scraped through all of the same part of other people's, just like to all that's left. Either you become calcified and nastier, or you just let all the nasties go and you're not even— can't be nasty anymore.

Can't be worried about the nasties.

Can't be worried. That's why it also makes sense too. Like, when you're— when I was younger and I'd watch like famous actors talk about anything, I'm like, this guy's a freak. But then it's like, oh, this guy since he's been 12 has been like just berated by newspapers. And that's why they get in there and they're like, it's all about the work and about your energy. Yeah, that's what happens after that. Yeah. So this is about—

that would be the end of our careers. Yeah, if we became a weird—

leather bracelets. Yeah, other bracelets.

I'll get some other bracelets.

You need to get them and be like, it's all about the good internal to the activity. It's, uh, Aristotle said that it's about the vibes. Obviously you're like, this guy's a fucking fruit. And you're like, dude, I've just—

I would break one day though in the middle of an interview, be like, yeah, that guy is a fucking fruit. I fucking hate that fucking guy.

Oh fuck, I'm back.

No, no.

I gotta meet him now. Fuck.

You know what, I am allowed to say whatever I want. Hey, if I think it's funny, I'll fucking say it. The middle of like a kid's cartoon show I'm doing, I'm voicing a dog on a— you know what, fuck it.

True. Yeah, we shall see. I mean, it'll—

it was the buzz, it was the talk of the town, but some people have to face their eye nasties.

You do, you do, and it's coming.

What are you telling me, somebody had to face their eye nasties?

Yeah, people— everyone's facing them. People are dying by the eye nasty because it will rock at you.

It'll get rocket fuel. You can be as nasty as you want, it'll rock at you.

But also too, you're gathering the nasties, and they're gonna— as soon as anything even decent happens for you, which is best case scenario, the nasties will turn.

Yeah, they'll go Yep.

Ah, no, please, please.

Yeah, when you have a Liquid Death sponsorship, it's all working out.

Please, no.

When the thing you dreamed of happening happens and all you can think about is, oh, the fucking— ah, nasty— this shit I put out in the world 7 years ago.

No, don't even remember it.

I just pray no one Yep, yep, yep, it happens.

But hey man, again, all we can do is work hard and get leather bracelets.

That plant's blocking my balls still, right?

All right, perfect.

Keep an eye on that.

True. We should get one prod just eye on the balls the entire time. Yeah, that'd be nice. You got your eye on it?

I'll keep my eyes— just so you know, I occasionally, I glance at yours as well. I, I'm glad you found a bigger pair of shorts for once.

Oh my God.

Yeah, normally he's wearing a fucking Speedo. It's disgusting.

Oh, he's, he's got the Rottweiler turd just fucking hanging. He's folded over.

It really is, dude. It's like a Dalmatian, or like a fucking little tail of a dog.

Yes, yes, the dog just got into some paper towels. Did you do that? Just looks like Gardini's dog's tail just completely folded.

You should have seen Nate's fucking soft-ass dog.

I seen it, came over.

We had a couple— yeah, you saw— were you here when he was—

when he got— he was— when he got tough? I saw him get tough at the end of that.

Oh, that was nice though.

The pit breeds get a little— they can get like a little sundowners at like nighttime. They're in like a, like a weird place. They get like kind of like whacked out. I've seen that before.

Butterdog was being very funny.

He wasn't going through nothing. He's the softest.

It's—

I'm ashamed of how soft he is.

Sweet dog.

It's funny, I could tell how ashamed Nate was, so I kept being like Dogs, yeah, zesty dog. The dog was being perfect. It was a great dog.

You should let him be gay with Jackson.

He would 100% be gay.

Oh dude, Jackson will get— Jackson is blind, but he'll still be gay if he can like find a dog's dick. He's all over it.

Jackson is a blind freak.

You're like, you can locate another dog's dick and just be like— he would for real molest your dog.

My dog would just lay there and take it.

That's what Jackson used to do.

Then don't put Twink on him. Don't put Twink on my dog. He's at least a bear.

He's definitely not a bear. He's a cub. He's a pretty small—

Jackson's old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he still has his appetites.

Can't teach him new tricks. No. All right, sorry. It's better than no.

It's better than the alternative. He could be the worst fucking dog.

He's a sweet dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I wish he would do a little something. He don't even bark.

He doesn't bark. That breed doesn't bark.

That breed doesn't bark. He doesn't bark.

Yeah, they don't. He's— what kind of— what is he? He's just—

I think he's just full pit.

He looks like a little Staffy a bit.

He might— I just got him from the shelter.

Yeah, they just had pit. Well, they don't— they don't bark. I have a Staffy, same thing. They—

they'll go like, all he does is whine.

He hits a Yeah, yeah, he goes, uh, yeah, yeah, the whole time it's just gone. Oh, that's a weird bark.

The mailman comes, he goes, fuck me. His eyes crossed. Oh, oh dude, we even talk about the, uh, who was the guy, the Indian dude who claimed the white boss lady dominated him sexually. Yeah, that just came and went, man. That's— dude, I gotta give it to that guy.

We talked about it on Rogan.

Did you?

And I— it was like the day it came out and they read the quote. I was like, this reads like an Indian guy. I don't think she said that. That is a horny Indian guy.

What do you call bazookas?

Cannons. Cannons.

Cannons.

Cannons is sick. But what did he call his own wife? A Fish head Asian wife. That's the hardest part about getting caught in this.

I know. Wait, why'd you call me a fish head with tiny cannons?

Why did you make that up? Like, the boss was like, uh, yeah, I know, but he's the one who wrote it. Wrote it? Oh, so he wrote like, yeah, what does your fish head Asian wife think about this? Or that turns out he wrote it. It was—

is that for sure?

I believe it was fake.

Or does that lady have everyone in the office so racistly dommed that they're like, yes, yes, mistress, we will defeat the rumor? I got like semi'd when I read.

No one's mad about a thick racist dom. No, that lady was hot.

Did you see the tall picture?

Dude, I think that had— was that AI? Because that picture is not—

that picture is real, dude. She— I mean, she could have fully bimbofied me. You know that guy who got caught with the balloons? If I worked for that lady, I'd have the balloons and spandex on, like, I'm your little fucking bimbo.

Wait, where did she work? JP Morgan? Or—

yeah, also, what a fucking weird leg up for that lady professionally to just dodge that bullet. And now it's like you're in a little interview with some old guy and he's like, yeah, fucking guy was saying— you were saying, you know, what were you saying to that guy? He's just fucking—

I want to see the fucking picture of her. I don't know, standing on the desk racially dominating some poor Indian man. Oh, there it is.

Why would they take this picture? Let me see, let me see.

It's so hot, dude.

Yo, that's like LinkedIn Edge. They definitely will do that at LinkedIn.

Is that real?

I think so. That's a girl— but dude, girl bosses get wild. Like a corporate girl boss, that's like— that's her Instagram. That's— you gotta break through the glass ceiling somehow, dude. Get on the glass, shatter that thing, dude. I'm mad. I mean, dude, he was claiming forced blowjobs. He was claiming— it's like, bro, stop it. That's so horny to leave a job.

Like, I'm gonna sue this place and be like, yeah, also I'm the fucking man. The reason I got fired is because I kept getting my dick sucked by the hot lady at work. You feel bad for him or her?

Also, why would he do that though? Why would he make that up?

You try to get the bag.

Yeah. He wanted to get $10 mil from him.

Again, kind of similar to Big Jay's joke. It's like, that's not that much if you're asking JP Morgan for 10.

I know, but it's like, you want to hit that minimum threshold of like, what will they just settle? Be like, yeah, we don't even want this, it's not worth it. He should have went for like a guy, and like, the guy was sucking my dick and holding me. That would have—

his last name is Hajdini. What? You're the Hajdini.

Oh, Hogdini. Dude, that, uh, yeah, that was like— because it was so unbelievable to be like, hold on. And also it was like, you, you just can't catch any sympathy. Be like, my boss would fucking blow me and say really cool stuff to me. It's like, dude, nobody's gonna believe that. Like, okay, dude, so you got, you got 5— okay, 1, you were nervous and got a forced blowjob. Still is like There's a— there's no such thing. It's not a forced—

yeah, you can take a step back.

You could easily take it, but she was like, oh, fucking—

in my case, you can take a slight lean back.

Yeah, dude. Also, the most unbelievable thing for your boss to be like, if you don't let me blow you, I'll fire you. It's like, that has never happened ever.

Just your chick boss being like, okay, you gotta toss that chick boss in there.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm sure there's a couple fellow bosses that were like, I'm gonna suck your dick.

Yeah, for sure. 100%. Yeah, that's how the industry—

the boss of Nickelodeon, that's how you're the CEO of Nickelodeon. You go, I'm gonna blow these kids, you're fired.

Yeah, tell me there's a girl boss just like week 3 of her menstrual cycle being like, I'm gonna fucking blow this guy. He doesn't let me, he's fucking ruined. I will not endorse his skills on LinkedIn if he doesn't fucking jam his fucking dong in my mouth. But I saw it and I was like, what the fuck is this? And like instantly it was like, yeah, that guy made that up.

Especially fish head as a slur for an Asian. Yeah, that sounds like a very— it's a colloquialism from India, I believe.

Is it really?

Must be. I would have heard it. That sounds like a foreign insult.

He hasn't crossed the pond.

That insult hasn't been here, although it is an invasive species because I'm taking that one.

I've actually— I have heard it before.

Oh really?

Yeah, that was— that's like an old—

it's an old one.

Old school guy. Yeah, so that's an old, old, old one. That's why I was like, what the hell? Cannons?

Where is she from?

It'd be funny too if he was like— if he played the audio and it's just his accent, like, you don't have cannons like my wife. Your cannons are small and shameful, dude. Speaking of small cannons, I was listening to Shakira recently. Because the zootrope reminded me—

what you were about to say reminded me of—

yeah, really?

Yes.

Dude, what the fuck, you know that too?

That's like the best song.

It's amazing. I didn't know that she said— she has— she's— they're not like mountains, they're small and humble.

And I was like, she's humble mounds, just humble.

I was like, damn, I never even thought about that.

She has humble breasts, but yeah, but her hips don't lie. They're not even fucking lying.

I never heard to be like, yeah, you know how those big fat mountainous titties— mine are small and just Humble. Yeah, it's like, fuck, that's because that was probably originally written in Spanish and then they like, you know, uh, just cross it over to English and you're like, is that a fucking thing? Humble chick with their fucking narcissistic big fat narcissistic titties.

You're like, how come we can't do that?

That's cool, dude. The fact that I didn't—

lucky that my dick is small and humble, not standing like a mountain.

Yeah, that's, uh, because I was like, Zootopia, the Zootopia soundtracks, it's all Shakira. She kind of, she does kind of kill it on those soundtracks. She doesn't get enough cred. But I was introducing Maya, I'm like, yeah, she has like a lot of other songs. And like, I was listening to it, I heard the boobs, humble mountain tits, and I was like, what the fuck? And I now during that song, I just go, yeah, you gotta, yeah, I gotta cover up here the line about humble, humble small.

Yeah, you don't want your kids taking that to school.

No. No, because they remember every lyric. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're just like, yeah, all right, don't, don't, don't do that.

I just re-watched little kids singing, uh, to, uh, Lil Nas X. It's like my favorite. It's the best. It's one of the best videos ever. He does a school assembly. Oh yeah, he sings Old Town Road. Just watching the kids hit every lyric. And then there's a part about like boobies. They hit that one hard.

Oh, it's so—

scream it.

That's so funny. Is Lil— would you say Lil Nas X started the like rap, R&B, country crossover?

I don't know, maybe.

I feel like he really— I feel like he kicked it off. Florida Georgia Line, yeah, they had Nelly.

They did a song with Nelly.

When was that?

A long time ago.

Oh, I remember that actually. Yeah, so that was okay. So that was back in the day, but then I feel—

yeah, with Billy Ray Cyrus. Yeah, but he did Old Town Road too.

He did.

Billy Ray's all over it. Yeah, Kid Rock was an early innovator.

He was. He, he had that song with Sheryl Crow that actually certified. Yeah, Picture. Yeah, song's awesome. That's one song you catch on the radio, it's like that, Goo Goo Dolls, or whatever, and you're like Goo Goo Dolls does rule. Did you see the Spirit Airlines— speaking of the Goo Goo Dolls song— when they do like, remember, the whole thing's like, what was I like in the '90s, and they play that Goo Goo Dolls song. They did this, what was Spirit Airlines like in the '90s and 2000s, and dude, it's just— you see the thing of a guy taking the luggage and throwing it off. There's like the conveyor belt and he just fucking throws it. He's like 20 feet up. He just goes— it's just people fighting, people throwing luggage. It's, it's Pretty funny.

The Goo Goo Dolls song gives me anxiety because I did one of the lamest things I've ever done. What? Uh, it was— I remember when that song came out, if it came on the radio, I would take out my yearbook and look at the girl I liked. I was in third grade. I was in third grade laying on the floor, laying on the floor like, dude, that's— I didn't even like her that much. I just be in my room pretending to be in love. Freak, dude.

No one can blame— no, that song is so powerful.

It was too powerful.

The Goo Goo Dolls song.

I don't want the world to see me because I don't think that they'd understand. I'd literally lay on the floor like, she's so beautiful. My dad would not— what the fuck you doing in there? Nothing, I'm getting ready for football. I'm not looking gay. Oh man, that's admitted. That—

let's do that. That song used to fuck me up. If I'd be driving, I'd instantly just be like, oh my God, I have so much love.

I'm in so much— I'm so in love with you. I don't want the world to even know.

Dudes were powerless, dude. The Goo Goo Dolls, I don't know what kind of evil magic they did. Yeah, even obviously the fucking strongest guys like us, the most masked dudes, most masked dudes became certified lovable boys. I'm so fucking misunderstood.

No one understands my love for you. That's you in school. Next, I'll be like, hey, how are you? You ever think about kissing? I wouldn't.

Oh man, that was the best in grade school. And like, because also like girls would just like set up things too. They'd be like, you know you're her girl— your boyfriend, right? And you'd be like, what? You'd have like hold hands for 5 minutes. In recess and be like, holy shit, you're like third grade, like, I have a fucking girlfriend right now, this is crazy.

And then two days later, friends, yeah, two days later they go, she's done, you guys have to break up now. You go home, you go, oh, the fuck was that? Why'd you do that?

Yeah, it literally happened to me. I remember they like tied our jackets together in the recess yard, we just like stood there like this, and then like two days later like she's breaking up with you. And I was like, okay. And I said something really mean about her and I got in trouble.

I don't care, she's flat. Yeah, she's fucking flat. I think I'd give a fuck.

I mean, that is crazy that like you're in school as a kid and then the year like tits just come online and you just got— you're like, you're expected to still do school. It's insane. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking nuts. I remember when tits came online and I was just kind of like, what the fuck?

Yeah, tits were crazy.

What the fuck, dude? Yeah, it was crazy. It was nuts. It's a lot.

It's—

it is.

It's a lot of doubt for a young guy.

Then everyone just calls the girl who got tits a whore. Everyone is like, yeah, she's a slut, dude. She has huge tits. Fucking slut. Everyone fucked her. Yeah, even the teachers up. Yeah, whatever, whore. I can't believe this girl got boobs first. She must have had sex with everyone.

As soon as school let out this summer, we all got mega laid by the chick with the big tits. That's the best move. I— again, I've— that's the one thing I've never, never pussy lied, and it's like I regret it. I didn't know you could just do that. Like, yeah, her. Yeah, we fucked. Just keep moving.

Yeah, I had a boy who hit the funniest pussy lie ever. He said he titty fucked a girl. We asked her, she was like, no. I know. I was like, why'd you say titty fucked, dude? You could have said anything. Yeah, we titty fucked.

They need to be— pussy liars need to be studied.

Pussy lying is hilarious. It's not even something you need to study. You know exactly where it comes from. You don't think I want to pussy lie, dude? We all want to. We all want your boys to be like, damn, you're cool. Everybody wants to pussy that. You just can't.

I know.

It's so fucking funny just to be like, at the lunch table, be like, I'm doing it. I'm pussy. I'm about to pussy that right now. Okay, here we go. Yeah, pussy. I, uh, titty fucked her.

No, that girl we've all liked for 3 years. Yeah, bro, I fucking titty fucked her at the party. When?

Yeah, it was just fucking the other weekend at the party when we were all there. I went outside, I titty fucked her behind the house. Did he fuck her next to an HVAC unit on the side of the house?

She's never seen someone as big as me. It's so funny.

She's in the room at the lunch table. You go, hold on, is that true?

No. Yeah, it's also funny just to be a 7th grade girl and just be like, what the fuck? This guy didn't titty fuck me. I'd be so mad. I'd be so mad. Someone claimed— I'll just live in my— just live in my day, just chilling, living my life, and someone's just like, yeah, I heard that guy titty fucked you behind the fucking— behind the recycling bin at the Rudlowskis' house.

Oh yeah.

All right, we did it.

Let's, uh, switch over to the Patreon. Bye, God bless.

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