Transcript of Ep 617 - Irish Good Morning New

The Wild Wild West, dude.

I just— it blew my fucking mind. I had to talk to somebody about it.

No, I'd like to hear about it.

Chuck E. Cheese is no longer— it's not a— I think Bargatze actually has a joke about it. I think he did, or maybe he joked about how scary it was. But like, you know, we all know the classic Chuck E. Cheese. I was like talking to my kids like, yo guys, it might be a little scary in here. They have like fucked up looking mice dancing and shit on stage. You're gonna go to Chuck E. Cheese now, no animatronics. Screen, the 2D, brother. I know, but if you look— if you— I like, uh, YouTube the old Chuck E. Cheese. Like, maybe I was just like making it up. It's more fucked up than you could imagine.

Old Chuck E. Cheese.

Yes, it's so scary. I like was YouTubing people at the party, like, this is what it used to look like.

When did they change it, you think?

I think maybe in— maybe in the, uh, what's O'Connor call it, the aughts?

Yeah, the early aughts.

Maybe the early aughts.

Yeah, I bet they changed it when, uh Five Nights at Freddy's, or what's that called? Five Nights at Freddy's. It's like a little kid video game where the animatronic things come to life at night and kill you, attack you. I bet when that— because that was a hit. Yeah, I bet bringing the kids to see the actual animatronics, it was probably chaos in the Chuck E. Cheese.

It'd be terrible.

2012? When did Five Nights come out? Oh, that was later. That would be crazy.

Yeah, this is a good theory. I have another— my brother gave me a really good theory recently.

What is it?

Sean's gonna like it. It's about how smoke breaks— so people don't go out anymore and like stand with each other and smoke cigarettes. And he thinks it's having like a— it's fucking us up. Like, we don't know how to like chill. It's like that was a whole rhythm baked into the day where like everyone like, all right, let's step outside. All the bros have to like hang out together for a while, puff cigs, talk about whatever. Because really, like, you and a bunch of people would sit there all catch the nicotine buzz at the same time, and it's like a really nice combo. Yeah, it's a nice combo. It's, it's like a part of our life that now we miss. Yeah.

Now everyone also works from home too.

Hey, no, everyone don't even get to go around the water cooler. Yeah, which the water cooler is a myth, by the way. I've never— I've been in an office twice, I never once got to chat around the water cooler.

No.

Kitchen microwave.

Yeah, microwave and coffee, that's where you chill. Yes.

Water cooler myth.

That's where you come in and see your weird manager eating out of a Tupperware. Jesus Christ.

Microwaving soggy broccoli.

Think about him making that at home, you know, this lonely fucking cocksucker. I hate him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You start to see a little bit, you're like, ah, fuck, this guy's sad too. Yeah, he's still a fucking asshole.

Everyone's— this is kind of embarrassing. Ah, fuck it, I'll say it. It's kind of tooting my own horn. Whatever. This morning I woke up being a— I was just laying in bed trying to— trying to be depressed. Like, I was like— I was laying in bed like Damn, dude, my parents were in like their 20s when they had my family, and like, I'm fucking old. Like, my kids aren't even gonna— like, I'm 38, and instead of having kids, I just— I did pretty good. I caught myself. I was trying to be like, I didn't do shit with my life, but it took me a second to be like, actually, shit's pretty sick, dude. Nice.

That's so funny. Your Irish genes in the morning were like, it's just so much trouble in me. Yeah, so much trouble.

Terrible. Trouble. Oh, I should have had kids. I'm gonna die alone. I fucking said I pissed away my life. No, I actually had a good life. Nice. Yeah, fuck yeah. It is funny, like, then I got out of bed, I was like, nice, it was a good start.

It is nice trying to run the old program and just being like such a fucked up stupid piece of shit. You look around, you're like, what am I gonna do today? That's fucking awesome.

I'm gonna go look at a house.

Look at this dumb fucking house. Damn it.

Bullshit house.

It's kind of—

it's the coolest house I've ever seen. Fuck.

Fucking natural redwood fucking flooring.

Bullshit.

Actually kind of sick now.

I did— me and Lemaire just went and looked at the house.

How was it?

Lemaire asked to come with me.

Who was—

you want to check out the new digs? Now he was— he, he was checking out the house more than me.

I bet.

But yeah, it's home inspector. I had— I'm like, I walk in and the lady's trying to tell me how everything works, so I'm just like, talk to him. I'm never gonna—

do you get gay couple phobia every now and again?

Yes. The neighbor, dude, the neighbor is the man.

What?

The neighbor's the man. Fuck that. He came outside shirtless.

Yes. Played—

he used to play ball at Texas.

What?

Yeah, he's an old O-lineman. Came out with this big dog. A dog was with him. That was great.

God, that's—

and he was just like, uh, at the end he was like, so who's, uh, thinking about moving in here? I was like, yeah, me. He's like, where are the women? It's just, just you and that Black guy. Worst nightmare. He had a— he had like, yeah, Blue Lives Matter shit on his truck. It's just an interracial gay couple being like, this is a fabulous neighborhood. He could be a problem. He was That was the discussion in the car. That's the type of guy that, yeah, could eventually— me and I might have to have a shootout with him and his dog eventually. I think we'll be boys, but boy, you're thinking boys are enemies. I think that guy's down to fucking pull out the blicky.

What?

I think he'll pull it out in one second.

Whoa, what though?

Anything, probably noise.

Yeah, Lamar, you'd have to stand— tread lightly around there.

He was shirtless, Longhorns trunks, Longhorns visor. He's a legend. He could be a real issue.

That's— I mean, that's crazy. Also, what do you think he was, tackle or guard? Because you guys could form the O-line. Who are the other neighbors?

True. Lemise. Lemise is D-tackle though. Yeah, he doesn't have the O-line build. Damn, doesn't have the length. But you do have a good nose guard. Nate's grown into an offensive guard. They went from DB to O-line.

Nate's fighting at a higher weight class right now. Damn, that's crazy.

Yeah, he's— he seems like the man.

Yeah, the—

I don't want to besmirch— yeah, whatever. The lady, the real estate lady, was like, I think he drinks. I was like, me too. I was like, I think this guy's gonna be my fucking boy. He's older, he's an older gentleman. He blocked for, uh, Earl Campbell. What, a Texas, which is awesome.

Yeah, what's the fence?

This is hardly a fence.

Yeah, so it won't be done.

The whole house is— my house is— that I would buy would be like just glass. That guy's gonna watch me and Lamar naked, just at different levels. Two different fat naked guys.

Maybe you guys will catch— I'm sure he's prancing around as well, I think.

Yeah. Damn, I think we might have the most vicious three-way of all time. That would end the world. Yeah, if me, the bear, and that old guy had sex, it's like the Hadron Collider.

It would create the God particle.

I mean, that's— of all, there could be a triple heart attack. It could be a simultaneous— it'd be like when they find those like rat— like rat nests, or those called when they all get stuck.

A rat?

Yeah. All right, goddamn.

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That's a rough one.

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Perfect neighbor.

Oh, my neighbor. Yeah, humble too.

Humble man.

So I always liked about the O-line, I was so humble on the O-line.

You have to be humble, dude, protecting the quarterback.

I'd be like, with my fucking life, I'll die for it. Yeah, dude, this is— no one ever celebrates you guys. I'm like, dude, if you keep talking like this, I'm gonna cum. I was only like 10. I was only 10, but I was already like, this feels so good.

It feels good, dude.

Be like, dude, nobody even noticed. You're the silent hero. I was like, yeah, I guess you're kind of right, coach.

Yeah, I've always been kind of the quiet hero.

Although, dude, Makes sense though. You have like a 37-year-old dad be like, nobody appreciates you guys. You're like, that must be the most fulfilling thing. You're working your ass off, no one even notices.

Yeah, fuck, it's nice.

Football coaching really must be so fucking sweet.

I only got to do it one year, but it was awesome.

You did?

Yeah, got to call plays. It was really fun.

Well, you were coordinating?

I was up in the booth, dude.

What were you— what was your style?

It was, it was early. We were on the read option. We were, it was, we were a little ahead of our time. Yeah, yeah. High school, or is that like— no, 8th grade.

Read option, 8th grade.

Yeah, we had some talented ballplayers. We had some guys out there. Yeah, shout out Dill Pickle. Shout out Danny J. Shout out Darb. What up? I'm still going up the Cougs. Shout out Jay.

What up, boys? I'm still sweating. I ran the option when I played beach football like 5 months ago, and I— it was beautiful. Faked it, they bought it, I ran, I fumbled. I'm still thinking about that fumble. Could have changed the whole game.

Where'd you fumble?

We were, we were in the red zone, or I was like, yeah, I got us into the red zone, fumbled, and I was just like— it was after I shoved somebody into a girl, which I also regret.

Reminds me of that video game fumble. Oh, it was right here.

Damn, now it's real.

Yeah. Oh, this is tough. Oh, I got good bird news.

What'd you got?

Uh, I have seen some wrens kicking around. They're out in the— they're out behind there.

Are they really?

But, uh, a hawk— two hawks have moved in. Not into the Bud Light box, but just right here.

They're hawking.

There's two hawks. It's very exciting. Yo, some red-shouldered hawks.

Yeah, I was just about to ask for the ID.

Yeah, red shouldered hawks. Fuck, dude. I don't know if they come to Texas, but yeah, you had shoulders.

How'd you ID? You went off?

Uh, yeah, but it was pinged in like Pennsylvania.

Gotcha.

Yeah, sent a picture to a friend and they AI'd it.

Your phone, your phone can do it.

I could— yeah, I could have done it, but they did it for me. Just sent them a picture of the hawk. I said, check this shit out.

It's more satisfying, honestly.

That's— again, that's most of my day. I was just standing in the pool just looking at a hawk. I gotta send this to my boys, dude.

Getting the idea on the hawks now, especially, you know, that owl you had was, bro, burrowing owls, endangered species. I had the privilege of being— I was walking around, they were everywhere. And dude, they— I was— I mean, this was a huge moment for me, uh, so in the daytime, dude, the burrowing owls are all daytime.

That's good stuff. I know, I think that's good luck.

I mean, dude, I, I must be— well, I could use it right now. I'm down right now, but I could use it. I'm down in the dumps.

Why?

Uh, it's all right, just run the program.

Just run the Irish morning program. I'm so down on my luck, things are so terrible.

No, I'm chilling, but the owls were— no, I'm perfectly fine, but the owls, the owls were really nice, man. They were really— they were pumping me up.

It's funny that every episode the wheels are just flying emotionally. For the last 10 years we've both just been like, no, I'm actually doing good, things are good right now. It's been fucking nuts. Totally fine, fully in control. Everything's cool, everything's completely fine.

My life's not a giant house of cards that could collapse. Yeah, but yeah, the— do the owls. I got to—

because I was there, Brittany goes, that's when birds come into play big time, dude. You see some birds, you go, birds gonna be all right, dude.

There it was, birds during the day. Nighttime, my dad has a, uh, a fish light, so out near the dock, he's on like the bay in Florida. Out near the dock, this green light illuminates and you just throw chicken into the water. But I'm taught— no, I showed these guys maybe 25 catfish swarm and they pop you. They like will come up to their like whiskers breach and then they gobble it up and fly down.

That's awesome.

It's— dude, I was living by burrow owls and then obviously lizards were carrying me through.

This is great.

And then it was the catfish at nighttime and it was just so— it was so nice. I also ID'd I remembered the, the owls, by the way. Brittany tried to say, oh, they can turn their head 360 degrees. I was like, I think it's 270. Looked it up, it's 270, bro.

Holy shit, 270. I mean, that felt good, clocking your bitch with a 270. I mean, oh, you're gonna tell me about owls?

Yeah, watch this. Yeah, and then I was like, well, they could do— they take degrees.

The head degrees is incredible. O'Connor saw the hawk when he came over yesterday, was like 'Look at its head, it's moving at about 280.' Like, I'm not kidding, like the first thing he said was the degrees of the head turn.

That's the best thing about becoming an old man, you get to just start just being like, 'That's a silver birch over there, it's pretty nice.' My dad is crazy. I'm getting pretty nasty at the trees. Trees and native flowers, I'm pretty— I'm getting pretty good at. I'm— it's killing me, I want to put some fucking shit out in front so bad. It's blank.

What?

You have a whole blank?

Oh yeah, that—

yeah, that's every, every week I'm like, I'm gonna go to Depot and just load up, just plant like 9 different things.

When I moved here, they did have landscaping out front.

I don't know what happened. Must not be sprinkled. This should just become Old Man Home Depot talk. They probably don't got it sprinkled out there, if I had to guess.

There is a sprinkler.

Is there a sprinkler system?

Yeah, it's nice.

I'm gonna have to dig that up and see where the lines are.

Yeah, we're gonna have to check the lines out.

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Oh yeah, dude, Florida was sick though, man. I was just paddleboarding on the bay. It's like my— it was the best. That's awesome. Although I got on the paddleboard, I left it outside in the sun like a dickhead, so I wanted to use it. It was hot, so when I went, I like went too far and I was like, I'll be fine. I was like splashing water to cool down, but it was hot on my feet the entire time. Kind of burnt my feet on it. But it was nice. I got lost too. I got lost a little. I got lost enough to where I like had to really try to find the house while paddleboarding. Yeah, I went out. It's a canal, so it's all like you go and twist and turns. And I was like, I want to go all the way out to the bay. And then I was like, that's kind of far. And then I just like turned around, came down. I was like, dude, I for real, I'm lost. Yeah, I saw one tiki hut and I was like, that's my landmark. When I came back, there was 9 tiki huts.

Everyone has a tiki hut. Fuck. Yeah, fuck.

So that was cool. I got to feel the feeling of Land Ho.

What are you guys whispering?

Oh, he got his spot switched.

You got a free day?

Damn.

You think the Spurs have a chance?

Yeah, I think tonight they have a real chance.

That would— I would actually— I want that. I'm pulling for him, man.

Trying to get the— trying to get some tickets to the Spurs game tonight.

The arena is probably the loudest I've ever heard, like, a basketball game.

When I went to see Sixers versus Spurs They were— those—

the lads go crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the lads are going wild.

I've run into the lads a lot lately.

Have you really?

Yeah, and out in public, and they've all been very like, yo, the lads are with you. The lads, fuck, dude. The lads, yeah, the lads might be our strongest demo.

I, I think they're for real very up there.

They fuck with the Secret Podcast.

They do.

Did you really? You saw a lad in the movie theater? What happened? Or did you just—

I was playing the claw machine waiting for my movie and he went, 'Gardini!' And then I went, 'What's up, man?' And he went, 'Oh fuck, that's actually you.' And I was like, 'Yeah, how are you?' I went and saw Obsession.

Good to see the foos.

Yeah, he was a nice guy.

The lads and the foos.

Yeah, that's nice. I, I— the lads are staunch. They do tell you, they always tell you, swear allegiance. They go, 'Yo, we fuck with your podcast.' Very nice, dude. You have no idea how much that pleases me. It's a, it's a, it's a, um, it's a finicky demo, man. Not everyone thinks they can capture the heart of the lad, the hearts of the lads, but it's— they're complex creatures. They are. Everyone thinks, oh, I'm gonna get the lads. Every politician is like, the Latino vote. It's like, bro, talk to me. Yeah, we'll talk about it.

Yeah, we'll tell you how it's done.

Yeah, we'll tell you how it's done.

Yeah, I think Kill Tony has the lads too. Yeah, for sure.

Lads like wild shit.

Yeah, they're the fucking Aztecs and Mayans, dude.

True. They're warriors.

Exactly.

Also, I'm fluffing the lads. They would love hearing that shit. No, the lad— they are a very like, uh, I mean, the memes are the best when like the, the red pill, blue pill for the lad has become like a, like an extreme MAGA Trump conservative or just like a black guy. Red pill, blue pill. They basically—

it's like you become like David Duke or Yeah, I'll be excited if we go to San Antonio tonight. Yeah, yeah, that'll be exciting stuff.

That'd be nice. You gotta watch though.

I'm gonna be excited to see Jared McCain. I'm gonna go, that's my man.

You also got to be careful you don't get grabbed and hugged on like that Mexican president. Did you see when the lady got hugged? You see the lady got hugged on? Yeah, the lads might get a little—

that's good.

If you get an abrazo, if Nate's with me, Nate's getting Touched. You gotta jump in front of it, dude. If a lad comes to grope him like the Mexican president—

I'll take the grope, guys.

I'll take the grope. What would you throw at him? Throw that ass at him?

I could only go so far. I can't, I can't say. The allegations are bad, dude.

Yeah, that Slim Goody sunk you, dude.

Yeah. Slim Goody got you.

I didn't know Bernie was a massive fan of Cheryl Hines, or sure, by bad, I'm thinking of fuck my— fuck me.

But yeah, you got Bobby Kennedy on the mind. Got Bobby Kennedy on them after he grabbed those snakes. And you see that video again?

He, you know, he grabs—

he loves grabbing snakes.

Yeah, it's pretty wild.

Yeah, yeah, it's—

he did another one because he did one a while back also. Hey, that's how you— that's how you get the lad vote. Grab a copperhead from behind. Lassie went, yo, this fool crazy. You got your foo crazy meter has to stay high. Yeah, I gotta keep my foo crazy meter high at all times. Can't let that shit dip, then you're lame. It's foo crazy and lame, man. You gotta stay.

Who do you think the craziest foo is in our group? I think Tommy might be the— or O'Connor. O'Connor might be the craziest. That's a He's loco.

I mean, him claiming 280 on a hawk, some crazy food. Hawks don't have— first of all, hawks don't out-turn owls. That's crazy.

I wish it did have— it did have pretty impressive movement.

Did it really? Yeah, we gotta look that up. We need—

yeah, I see head movement on a red-shouldered hawk. We're gonna need that.

270 on now. And I also was like, got the team on it, all three.

Oh shit, all three struggling. Two of them already went to Instagram. Oh shit, 180.

I like that. 180 is not bad. I was gonna say it's no 270. There's no way. Huh?

Wow. What kind of hawk? Oh dude, just a red shoulder.

So they can get— what? So they go 180, but they— how? If they don't move, you said they can get the 270?

Yeah, like if they're standing still and they're like— you got some— you got some good—

you might be a little out.

You got like 120, dude.

That was crazy. Dude, don't do that again. I did— the first thing I did when I was claiming $270 was to go outside and go and just see how much I had. Ours is pitiful.

Lamar, you might be possessed. That head movement, you're like The Exorcist.

No, I hit— I hit an inappropriate— we went to the zoo, uh, in Naples. Like, I was outside of Naples. We took my family to the zoo and there was a tiger cage and no one could see the tiger. My kids are like, I can't see it. Where is it? I'm like, you know a trick for seeing tigers? And they're like, what is it? I'll turn for the camera.

I went, oh, Jesus Christ, we are old men. It's just an old dad racist at the zoo.

Nobody laughed. Just my wife huffed and walked away.

Yeah, I was like, that was good, that was good.

It's a good one, that was a good one.

I haven't seen that one in fucking 40 years. That's a good one.

We know you never get the opportunity to bust that out. My kids were like, dude, how do you do it? I hit him with it, they're like, what? I was like, just keep going.

They're doing that, they're breaking that out, they're gonna break that out in school. Obviously another kid's gonna talk about Tigers at their age. Tigers is like top 5 Conversation pieces.

Uh, yeah, it was a fun one. Hopefully I turned far enough from the camera.

I think we can fuck it. We can just blur.

We get black box.

We've already did. The white boys already went down, dude. Pandora's box is already open.

Pendulum. The pendulum, I mean, needs to chill. Pendulum might be 270. Pendulum might be 270, dude. It was funny because I didn't realize I've been off the internet, so I didn't realize how massive the roast was until this morning. I saw a supercut of every single person. I'm like, oh, this went like around the world. This one, everyone was talking about the goddamn—

Dr. Umar called me a fucking Neanderthal.

What?

Dr. Umar called me a Neanderthal.

Tell him you want to see the Frederick Douglass Marcus Garvey Academy open, and then you'll talk. Ask him about the school.

Yo, you're gonna get that too.

Ask him about the school. I tried to get him on, he charged like fucking $10,000 to come on. We should pay.

It would be funny. Yeah, he's really funny.

I actually, to be honest, I like Dr. Umar.

Yeah, so do I. I'm not just saying that.

I enjoy watching him. I think he's hilarious.

Yeah, his—

when he does the things where people can call in and send things in.

Yes, when he reads his live chat and he blocks people, it's the best. It's awesome. He has to know it's funny because he reads what they said.

He knows. He's got to know. I just— I want to see the school.

I mean, I think it's funny getting called a Neanderthal.

It's hilarious.

I was, I was all right with it.

Yeah, fucking kind of.

I don't know if he's trying to be funny, if he's actually upset. I, I apologize to Dr. Umar.

I, I, I, I think he's smart. He's a smart guy. I think he knows what he knows, what plays.

Probably edit this out, but I was thinking about, uh, purchasing his school and naming it the Robert E. Lee School for Whites Only. I'm going to name it Neanderthal Robert E. Lee Ronald Reagan Richard Nixon Academy.

What about school for the Aztec School for the Lads?

Aztec School for the Lads would go crazy.

That would be tight.

I think making it the Robert E. Lee Ronald Reagan Richard Nixon School for Higher Learning and then, and then actually dumping a ton of money in it and making it really successful and actually helping the community. Just as a bit, dude.

That would be a good bit.

It's a good bit.

I want to— I just want to see it open, man. I'm not trying to break the guy's balls. I just— I want to— I've been hearing about the school for all my life.

Yeah, what happened with the school?

It's just— it's never open. It's been fucking 10 years.

Open the school.

It's got to open the school. I mean, especially before he starts coming at, you know, Neanderthals. He shouldn't be watching the roast. Get the school going, bro. What the hell are you doing? Get the fucking school going. That is— it is, uh, I don't know, it's a funny thing. It's a funny thing to just have the school go and be like, dang, they wiped out my accounts again. You know that happened, right? No, wiped out his fucking accounts. Did he get hacked? Oh shit, okay. All the money ready to get the school going, they wiped out his damn account.

Somebody hacked him and stole all his money and it wasn't him? He didn't spend it, somebody else did? Yeah, son of a bitch. That keeps happening, dude.

It— fuck, I was like, no. I immediately donated.

I don't want—

he put the Cash App up.

I immediately smoke with him.

I for real genuinely enjoy him. I think he's fun. His shit, his, his just like vigilance on the snow bunnies is my favorite. It's my favorite. Someone needs to stay fucking focused, man.

Oh yeah, he would.

Sorry, Nate, but someone also right back at you. True.

You know, you guys are both— Dr. Umar should be Dr. Umar should like me, dude. He should hate you guys. What the fuck?

True, true.

I wasn't even thinking of my own sins.

Damn, damn. I should get him on at the Link. Let him just give a talk. Please, please, no comedy. Just give a nice 5-minute speech on Kill Whitey and get off stage.

I mean, the boo would be He would love that boo.

80,000 Hawkies booing him. He might ascend, dude. He might start floating.

He might evolve.

He would evolve.

He would Pokémon out.

You might just split in half. There could be two Dr. Umar. He could start multiplying, dude. 80,000 white boos.

That's how Al Sharpton lost all that weight.

He would fucking kill at the link, dude.

So far you have sliders, Dr. Umar.

I forgot about the sliders, dude. I want to get the sliders.

Sliders in the background while Umar just does his thing. It would be so nice. He's the prince of Pan-Africanism.

That's awesome.

He is the best, dude. It is funny when someone's hating on you, it's like, dude, I love you.

I love him.

I love you. There's nothing you could say. I fucking love you. I've watched— I really have watched so much of his stuff.

Yeah, him on the Breakfast Club. Those guys make fun of you. It's very funny.

It's awesome. He's for real one of my favorite Breakfast Club guests.

Yeah, he's awesome.

He's amazing.

So I've never really seen him do anything I didn't think was awesome. Every single time I see him, I go, oh, fuck you.

I have the same thing for the honorable, uh, whatchamacallit, Mr. Farrakhan. I fucking— dude, I love Farrakhan. Sorry, I just— I watch him, I go, God, I love this guy. He's so funny. Yeah, I've talked about it before. Him on Donahue in the '90s was maybe the best TV thing I've ever seen, appearance I've ever seen anyone do.

They just have him with like Nazis?

It's— no, it's him and his— no, it's just him ripping and, uh, just talking. And he has all of his like Nation of Islam guys standing there like bow ties, standing real militant. But these are just '90s— well, they're just '90s housewives being like, you know, he'll like lay out his grievances and they'll be like, go back to Africa if you're so upset. It'll be like, no, that's the bullshit I'm talking about. And it'll just— but it wasn't even like, how dare you? He's like, that's exactly what I'm— and he just keeps going on. And then he hits this Jewish lady. I didn't know he had a problem with the Jews until I watched that clip. And he— she brought it up and I just watched him go, I have some stuff for this. And he just fucking goes in.

I'm like, damn, that's one of his big grievances.

Yeah, he's— yeah. Beefing, beefing with him. But yeah, he rules. I mean, dude, I— you can't deny talent when you see it. When I see Farrakhan, I go, that's a talented guy. Sorry.

Of course.

Yeah, I separate the art from the artist. I guess the town— the fucking guy. Yeah, I like what he does. Sorry.

Honestly, it's kind of impressive more Black guys are not as racist.

If we were allowed to just be extremely racist Yeah, we had our day in the sun.

Black guys are just allowed to be racist.

Yeah, completely.

They do a pretty good job not doing it.

It's, it's pretty— it is pretty impressive, honestly. It's pretty impressive.

I was thinking to myself, I'd be bow tie, glasses, fucking immediately. Be so fun being like, what'd you say, you pink pig bitch? Awesome.

Yeah, that is pretty amazing to not, uh, yeah, go into full force. It's pretty amazing. But I think too, I don't know, maybe it's like, you know, you're kind of like, you know what, let me like put down the sword. If you've been nicked with the sword a couple times, you go, yeah, maybe I won't wield the sword myself as hard. Although I would just come back 10 times harder. Yeah, just, it's so funny just knowing you'd be pure bean pies right off the bat. Yeah, people don't talk about the Black Muslim enough. I miss them. They're— I have— I haven't seen a Black Muslim in Texas. There are so many in Philly, and they are some of the— they're, they're, they're rad.

Yeah, they're rad.

Black Muslims are fucking rad. I used to work with this Black Muslim guy. He was— I worked with many Black Muslims, not bragging, but the one guy I worked with was for real one of my fucking favorites. He put me onto this television show, might have been the worst show. Did you ever see The 100?

No.

Oh, I, I Dude, he hyped me on the show. I ended up watching 2 seasons and was just like—

I remember you watching it.

It's— he was like, bro, the show— he was talking like, this shit is gonna— this is it. And I watched it. This dude, the premise is sick. Then you watch it, you're like, this is the gayest shit I've ever seen. It's one of those— I've actually— it's 7— it went 7 seasons, and I, I do at some point want to watch the finale of the 7th season just to see where they went with it. It'd be kind of fun.

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Oh yeah, July 17th at The Link. Please, please come to that. I think we just released a bunch of new tickets, so it's almost sold out, so hurry up, guys.

6/5, that is June 5th, June 6th, I'll be at the Summit City Comedy Club, Fort Wayne, Indiana, but then I'll be in Spokane Comedy Club, uh, 8:30 2026, 8/14/2026, Spokane Comedy Club. And there's a bunch more dates coming. They should be on my website. They're not for some reason. I'm gonna dig into that and update you guys. Go to mattmcusker.com. Anything good? Have you watched anything good?

Uh, yeah, I watched, uh, Train Dreams.

Oh, the Dennis Johnson book?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, with the guy. Yeah, in the beginning they didn't have them throw the Chinese guy off the cliff, did they?

Yeah, they did.

They did.

Yeah.

Okay, because I know they did that in the beginning of the book, but did he help?

He slightly helps. He grabs his legs and he's kind of saying like, what do you do? Like, why are you guys doing this? But he still kind of like grabs his legs.

Gotcha.

But then gets kicked off and then they throw him.

Okay. And did the Chinese guy die in the movie? Yeah, because he does in the book. He doesn't. He like—

I haven't finished it yet.

Clambers. Oh my bad. What did they throw him?

They throw him off a bridge.

Yeah, I think he like in the book just just like catches the thing and just kind of like clambers away.

They don't show you— they definitely don't show him surviving.

Okay. Yeah, it was funny in the book because he just is walking home and he's like, what are they throwing, a Chinese guy off a cliff? And they're like, yeah, I'll help. And he just doesn't even— then he doesn't. He's like, that was kind of fucked up, I should have done it. Yeah, I don't know why I was so eager to help that guy. It's pretty sick. How far, how far into it are you?

Uh, two-thirds.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, it gets kind of freaky there towards the end.

It gets— so far it's pretty sad.

It's just as sad as shit.

I didn't think it was gonna be that sad.

No, I had it recommended. I'm like, oh cool, you know, like I like the time period. And then like right away I was like, oh fuck.

Yeah, it's pretty devastating.

They'll find her.

Yeah, not in the woods. Uh, nothing good happens in the woods.

Yeah, no, that was, that was pretty good. The— you know what was surprising? I rewatched recently and I was— I actually wasn't a fan. It was Wolf of Wall Street. I thought I loved that movie, and I rewatch it and I'm like, the whole fucking first 45 minutes is like, then I got pussy, then I got pussy again. They tell you how much drugs we did? Oh yeah. And I was like, dude, I was watching, I'm like, I used to love this movie. I watched it as an elder man, I was like, this fucking guys are punks. Yeah, they're punks. Yeah, it was also like, it was just a little— it was just, I, you know, I was watching it with a— with Brittany, so I'm kind of like All right, he's blowing cocaine up her butt with a straw. I'm sure she's gonna not like— what is this? Yeah, just let it go, it's a good movie. And then it was just 40 straight minutes to be like, and then she sucked my fucking dick.

And I was like, Jesus Christ, it's a comedy. Yeah, so you watch it as this guy's a fucking moron.

Yeah, true.

And it's—

I'll tell you what, then we watched Legend of Bagger Vance.

Jesus.

And it was—

it's been years.

It was awesome. Yeah, she was like, this is much better. And I was like, dude, I'm not gonna lie, this is much better. Not even gonna hate. This is— I mean, I thought The Wolf of Wall Street was like one of the best. If you had asked me before that, I'm like, yeah, it's one of my favorite movies. Yeah, rewatch it.

I was like, I think it was the setting you were in. Yeah, I think that'll affect it for sure. With the babe just going, this movie's kind of fucking me. Yeah, it's kind of, this movie's gonna affect my night because now my wife's gonna be like, is that what you want to do? No, of course not. I would hate that. Just getting a ton of pussy and doing coke with my friends and being extremely rich. So it sucks. No, I like this.

When he was talking about like fucking his cousin and like what they would do with a retarded kid, he's like, I throw it out in the woods. I was just like in the bed being like, just looking over at her like, it gets better.

This is weird. Do crack.

All right, could have been set and setting. You're right, could have just been set and setting. But I genuinely was like, you know what, this is This is kind of getting old, man. What the fuck? Bagger Vance was just next level.

Bagger Vance is Moses.

Moses, dude, for real. I never saw Bagger Vance. It was amazing. I thought the movie was about Will Smith crushing it at golf. No, the whole time I thought Will Smith just crushed it in golf, and not the case.

No, but is he just a caddy? A caddy? Secret caddy?

Super spiritual caddy. Yeah, it's all about the field. It was kind of sick though. Bagger Vance 2 thumbs up.

Wolf of Wall Street, dude, no, didn't like it.

It was, it was just— I was like, no, you're right, this is—

I'm gonna have to give it a rewatch.

It's too much. Yeah, too much. And it's too much of that, like, I know what you're thinking, me and my boys are crazy. That was, that was big during, uh, what is it called, uh, not Fight Club, fucking Entourage. Yeah, Entourage was big in— and what was the, uh, Snatch? That was that big, like this is the craziest thing you'll ever see.

Yeah. And it'd be like, yeah, Scorsese does a lot though. Yeah, he always does it.

Yeah, I mean, narrator, he's a master, obviously. I'm not gonna— yeah, you know, I just— it was—

Goodfellas holds up though.

Goodfellas is great.

It's great every time.

Yeah, good.

It's always been confused because I— when I lived with Tommy, he would watch it every night.

That actually makes sense.

He'd be drunk watching Goodfellas. Like, ah, this guy watches everything. Now I understand. Yeah, you're drunk. It's one of the best movies.

So good. Just toss it on. Yeah, yeah. No, it was— I, I'm, I'm getting old. I was watching, I'm like, this is fucking crass. This is very crass, disturbing.

It's crude.

It was crude.

It's crude.

It was very crude.

There's no two ways about it, man.

Yeah. Then he had— yeah, you know what, you're totally right. It was just him, Jerk of Wall Street, just him leaving his wife and fucking, fucking this chick. And I'm like, that's not good stuff right there. Come on. This crap.

All right, turn this crap off. I don't even daydream about stuff like that. That's crazy.

Put on Bagger Vance. Yeah, I might start watching Bagger Vance.

Watch The Notebook. That's good. Is that your husband dies? Yeah, that's what you— yeah, let's watch—

let's run Chuck a Lot back. But yeah, I was, I was, I was movie'd out, dude. I was just crushing movies every night. Million Dollar Baby. That was a sad one.

I don't think I've ever seen that.

MDB is sad, bro.

Yeah.

And it's funny because I knew— are you familiar, like, kind of with the plot line? Yeah. So I kind of knew what was coming. Brittany had no clue. So she's like, you know, like, oh, she's gonna take over and be the champ. And I was just like, kind of, we'll see.

Well, that's what happened to me watching fucking Train Dreams. I was like, man, this guy's life is awesome. I was like, I was going to bed I'm like, what the fuck was that?

It's sad as hell.

That could have been why I woke up with the Irish good morning.

Uh, that'll do it.

Yeah, the Irish good morning is just like, look at you, you piece of shit, your life's in shambles.

Told you my mom hit me up the other day with just the worst news about people I don't even know. And I was like, thanks, that's— yeah, every day, horrible. That's absolutely horrible. She's like, I guess this is a little grim. I'm like, yeah, this is— I don't need this right now.

Yeah, I'll be honest, I don't know. I don't know. I'm gonna walk, my mom will call and just be like, their kid's not doing good. Oh my God, who, who are these people? It's, uh, a girl I used to work with, like in the fucking '90s. Do they live around us? It's like that— they're in Kentucky now. So you're just calling to tell me about a terrible tragedy in Kentucky right now? Be like, all right, Mom, I'm gonna go. Oh, okay. Oh, all right. Have we talked for too long? Oh my God.

I mean, they gotta offload that because that does get crazy getting older and older to when like more— I mean, I know, like, I don't know, how many people do you know your age range that died? It's been like not a ton, not too many. But yeah, it's, uh they get to the age where it's like people start dropping and all you can do is party at the beach, party hard, just stay tuned to the Fox News, parrot the shit.

Yeah, dude, we have to bomb Iran. I mean, bro, I think we bombed them again yesterday.

I think so. Gotta be done.

Oh, here we go, another one. There's a Trump fart video. There's another fart video has dropped. Send me the link, send me the link, dude. I'll try to verify this because yeah, these farts are crazy.

There was a lot of farts on both sides of the aisle for a while. The fart vids are huge. So I just farted myself. I mean, doesn't he like crush Mickey D's and shit?

I saw he just got out of the hospital or something. He did a checkup or whatever.

It was all amazing.

Yeah, I'm sure everything was great.

Everything was fucking amazing. He's sharp as hell.

Best farts.

He's also 80 and crushing McDonald's. The farts must be fucking chaos, dude. Yeah.

Hey, there's got— when you're 80, there's got to be parts of you that are kind of dead already.

Everything.

You're like a Pirates of the Caribbean guy. Is it— is it real? We gotta get— I gotta get Hey dude, I have it right here. Damn, it's like an old— like, it's an old, uh, yeah, Nixon mic.

I'd like to see it.

That'd be crazy if that was— if that was his like secret Nixon recordings or just like just non-stop farts.

Oh my God, dude, let me see. That's so fake.

I mean, stepping behind the column is respectable if true.

It's so—

what?

Here's the thing, dude, the people in front not dying laughing, it can't be real.

I— they're trained, they're trained, they're trained, dude.

Knowing they're machines, you can't be trained for that. Just ripping that fart, no one on earth can survive that.

Yeah, yeah, the fart— the political like fart smears are crazy because it's like you have no way of proving if it's true or not.

Those— yeah, and that was recorded from a fucking distance. Yeah, there's no way. If that's real, that's awesome.

Yeah, yeah, he's outside, it looked like.

Yeah, but he was behind the column, and I'm saying the acoustics of the old— you want to believe, dude?

Yeah, that's a little—

that's the living—

you want to smell that fart, dude? That's a living—

sniff that fart. He pooped his pants.

Ew, smells like a 39-count felon. Yeah, there was a, there was a major— AOC was getting levied to farts. AOC apparently had farts. Trump had farts. Biden apparently shit himself. There was a lot of shitting himself and farts going around, like COVID, in their COVID era.

Yeah, the shoe's on the other foot now, and the Republicans don't like it much. See, it's kind of mean when you fake audio. If it's real, then that's incredible.

We need to get verified. I mean, how do you— you'd have to call the journalist and they'd have to be like, yeah, I was there, he fucking farted, it was crazy. It's crazy.

It could be a whistleblower. One of the— one of the Secret Service could be like, dude, that was real. He fucking uncorked one as soon as he got out of the car.

I mean, what's the point of being the president if you have to hold in your farts? You know what I'm saying? You're, you're the boss and you gotta just hold in your— no, you move behind a pillar gentlemanly. You probably learned that in fucking etiquette school. You find, find a giant stucco pillar, you just rip. Yeah, I, I was back on the cheese for the vacation. I was— that was nothing.

You were hitting cheese, bro.

I was, I was crushing cheese all vacay.

Beach farts are crazy, dude.

It was, yeah, fully sun-powered. Chi, and then we watching Bagger Vance and just— I was real. I just was my dad. That was in my dad's house, just doing exactly what he does, is watching movies with a lady and farting and then feeding catfish. It's pretty much all I did. All— it was kind of nice.

Fucking where it's at.

Yeah, it was. I mean, I can— you can tell I'm sun maxing right now too. I'm completely— I was telling them I'm getting melanated or dying trying this summer.

That's all you can do.

I, I just— it's all I do.

You're gonna die.

I am.

So what happens to all of our ancestors, dude?

I got a nice— I mean, I have like a solid—

that's a crazy tan, dude, bro.

I just been getting— I just been raw dogging the sun, just letting it just crush me. But kind of— I, dude, I sleep good. I feel better. Yeah, my nose— yeah, I'll get sun cancer in 20 years, but that's nothing, bro. You get that, like the MJ lasers.

Cut it right out.

Yeah, my dad got— my dad has skin cancer. A couple years ago they just fucking cut that shit right out.

Skin cancer every 10 minutes.

Yeah, who cares?

It's non-stop.

It's nothing.

He sun maxed his whole life. It's fucking wild.

I know.

He's one freckle at this point. He literally became a black guy. He's Dr. Umar. He— all his freckles joined forces.

He's got to open the John Elway Fred Doug Flutie Academy.

John Elway Academy.

True.

Yeah, I should just— yeah, the Larry Bird, the Larry Bird Academy for Higher Learning.

I feel really bad if he opens it tomorrow. I'm like, fuck. Although I feel good.

Yeah, that'd be great.

That'd be great if our voices— we found power in our voices and got him to open up. You know, I said my kid's there.

He would not be happy, dude. I wonder how he feels about that.

Poorly. He would hate it.

He would hate that.

Yeah, he'd be fucking furious. What are you talking about? He would not like it. Although I wonder, I wonder, I wonder if you, you know, if you commit to the bit, I wonder if there's a part of his heart that goes like, I love all children. He has to be like, shut up, dude, you're gonna ruin our whole fucking career. Yeah, everything we built. You hate them. Yeah, although I mean, I don't know, he probably doesn't hate them.

He probably— bad Stern doesn't get down like that anymore. We could have Umar versus What's that guy's name? Carver. Daniel Carver, the Klansman that he used to bring on Stern. Carver versus Dr. Umar would be a battle.

That would be a battle. You could probably still set that up. And honestly, it's like, you know, it's a— it's a— you let them fucking debate.

We could do that from now. That could be a little segment you and I do on the show, dude. Just do racist battle bots every week. You bring in a different type of racist guy. A racist foo would be sick.

Oh, they're out there too. Oh yeah, they are out there. Yeah, getting a nice little— sending like a racist foo against like a, like a U of T gender studies major would be so nice. Yeah, so it'd be— we'd have to be throwing the red flag. It'd be 3 seconds, like, bitch, you'd be like, all right, come on, hold on, hey, get him out of here, hold on, my foo, my foo's going wild.

Racist BattleBots would be sick, dude.

Be awesome.

You and me could just not be on camera.

Yeah, be amazing.

Two people sit right here and just let them fucking be racist to each other.

We get Mystery Science Theater, you just see our heads right in the camera. And like, I'd like to hear you elaborate on that actually. He was just— keep going. What do you mean by that? Now's the period of the question and response, and we'll step in if we need to moderate. You haven't— haven't just It'd be nice, you know. It'd be nice too just having just like the almost, you know, the dudes are calling a sports radio, just letting guys go, dude. Be like, yo, what do you think about people calling? Yeah, or just come in, having them come in and be like, yo, the floor is yours. You're a steel worker from Montana battling whoever, you know, this guy, some weird guy who believes in aliens. Fucking go rip. It would be like the Scrapyard but for debate.

Yeah.

We're just— I mean, I'm, I'm all Scrapyard right now.

Of course, I'm all Street Beefs. Shout out Street Beefs.

Street Beefs. Is Street Beefs, Scrapyard the same thing, or is it similar?

I think so.

Okay, well, they've been getting— I've been seeing a lot of, um, look it up. Yeah, we need, we need, uh, we need some intel on that, please. We— I've been seeing a lot of, uh, like 55-year-olds versus 21-year-olds.

Yeah, it's a good matchup.

God, it's a really good matchup.

Old boy, what's his name?

What's the guy?

Something like that.

What's the guy fighting for his fallen friend? Barn Dog.

Barn Dog's nice.

Barn Dog's real nice.

Gas Station White.

Shout out Gas Station White. Yeah, Barn Dog. The speeches are the best. Yeah, so, um, my friend killed himself. I'm fighting for him. It's pretty— and you really root for him.

Yeah, you sent me that guy.

Yeah, how'd you like the guy who goes, this is just a test?

That was trouble. Dog said is, uh, he found his friend hanging and he had to cut him down.

Yeah, that's tough.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks, thanks, Lamar. Get that involved, toss that in the mix.

Although you can see it in his fighting though, man. He's— he like— I mean, being a 55-year-old scrapyard is like the Pacific Northwest street beefs.

Contingent.

Okay, they're all under the Street Beefs umbrella. Yeah, but it's not Satan's Backyard, it's a different—

you ever fantasize about throwing your hat in the ring in a scrapyard? Yeah, uh, I'd be real selective.

So scary.

Yeah, I think about it, I think about it. I'd have to be very selective about the fight, but it's— I, every time I watch it, there's a part of me being like, bro, I want to get in the fucking plywood, dude.

You gotta fight Death Sentence.

Who's Death Sentence?

Yeah, Matt versus Death Sentence.

Who's Death Sentence?

Uh, he's a spindly fella.

Is he a knockout artist? He's a jiu-jitsu guy. What's his—

I feel like he kind of loses a lot.

Yeah, he almost—

he's an anime black guy who kind of—

oh, I saw him, I saw him.

Yeah, yeah, he trains under the tutelage of Demetrius Mighty Mouse Johnson.

That was really true. Yeah, but there's another one. There's an anime white that fights Wing C. What's his name? Wing C. Wing C. He's nice. He's from like 717. All in the fucking scrapyard. Street beefs, excuse me.

Yeah, I saw that guy, the anime black guy who was like running—

which again, who's the guy in the suit that acts like a weirdo that like acts like he's teaching?

I don't know his name, but I know exactly what you're talking about. He acts like he's like in a John Wick movie or something.

Yeah, he's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, it's—

I mean, it's— and every now and again there'll be guys— I think they do a good job putting skill against skill, but they don't really— don't really Couple times they've whiffed.

A couple times, once in a while they feed a guy the lions. Papas is the suit guy. Yeah, it was a Black guy I just watched. He was wearing a suit and it was a good battle, and then in the third round his shirt was off and I was like, all right, it's time to— yeah, it's time to lock in. Yeah, now you're in trouble, dude.

Scrapyards, I don't know, man. I, I— it might be my preferred arena of watching combat sports. Dying in the scrapyard would be so honorable. Bury me, dude, right in the center ring. It'd be nice. Even if I got like really hurt, just bury me right in the center ring.

Sprained wrist, that's it, I'm done, dude. Bury me at the scrapyard.

Oh, I didn't tell you my, uh, speaking of bury me, dude, my, my brother had He was in the shower, he's telling me about— it was killing me. He had the— he's in the shower and he's just like soaping himself up and he felt a little lump on the testes and he goes, fuck, dude, he was just like, that's it, I'm dead. Like, I'm not doing anything, I'm not going to talk about it, I'm just gonna ride this out, it's over, bro, I got the big C, I'm out. And then as he's investigating, he's like, what the fuck? And he found out it was a tick. Oh my God, that had burrowed. Oh my God, that's worse. I know, dude. So yeah, he had it burrowed into his nuts. And once he found this out, he was like— he went to his wife and was like, yo, you gotta get this thing out of me.

Oh my God.

So dude, he goes— he was like, you— first of all, big mistake. Both me and my dad were like, you gotta go to the emergency. You can't have your wife do that because they don't— dude, they're gonna just pick you right there, dude. Well, it's just also, there's— women don't have a, uh, you know, they don't realize how truly sensitive and terrifying that is to get hit in the nuts, or like a tick in there of all things. So I mean, if it was soaking up— if it was like sucking cum out of you, that'd be sick. But like, just all day, like, who's on your epididymis? That's a different thing. Something's wrong. But it was just— it was just there. So then he was like, you know, obviously she's pulling it out, no respect for the sack. Just yanking at that thing. And he goes, dude, like, he's like, I was demoted just multiple leagues in her. Because like, he's like, it ended with like, I was such a baby about it. I had like a towel over my top half of my body.

I was like, oh, oh, of course.

I know the whole time he was telling me, I'm like, you're so right. He goes, no, but dude, like the whole time, like, he's like, I, I was, I was beyond crying. I was like, finally got This is—

I mean, now I want to check my sack. No, I think this is the second time we've caused the listener to—

true—

physically react, including turning his neck as hard as he could. I think, I think almost everybody listening wanted to go, I wonder how far, dude.

I— he was telling me the story the whole time, I was going, no.

And right now everyone's going, I should definitely check my nuts out.

You got to check your nuts. Apparently there was, you know, the ticks are big. Apparently everyone actually— yeah, they're going wild right now.

Everyone thinks it's Bill Gates Bill Gates ticks.

I think they are Bill Gates.

He hit a Bill Gates tick, son of a bitch.

He had the Bill Gates tick right in the sack. And, uh, dude, and yeah, he has to go to the hospital. That's both me and my dad were like, bro, that's—

find out if he has Lyme disease now.

He already conquered Lyme disease. He fasted for 2 weeks straight. He did a 14-day fast, conquered Lyme disease. He didn't eat for fucking 14 days. He claimed it helped him.

He claimed it helped him. He probably destroyed himself. People don't recover from that. Limes?

No, like prisoners of war that are like, no, you can rock, dude, you can do 2 weeks. Yeah, he dry fasted for 4 days until his vision blurred. He's like, I for real thought I was gonna—

yeah, I think that fucks you up.

He didn't drink water for 4 days.

Fasting community, obviously I'm not the one to speak on it, but 14 is crazy.

I've done 5 and I felt like, all right, this is getting— but apparently what happens is after like, you know, 1 day is like, oh fuck, 2 days like, damn, I feel fucking amazing. So he said it would just be up and down. He'd be like awesome. I think by the end of it he was genuinely fucked up. He starts shitting like all kinds of crazy shit out too because you're— I don't know what's going on. When you don't eat, your body's like, all right, just get rid of all this stuff. He claims he looked into it, that helps with Lyme disease. It could be wrong. Look that up, guys. Let's see, let's get some information on 14-day fast.

Yeah, I think he's—

because what even is— I don't even know what the fuck it is.

I think it's a— I think it was a bioweapon.

Lyme disease?

Yeah, could be. I think it was. I think it came from a military island off the— yeah, off the coast of Connecticut, Limes, Connecticut. And all the ticks maybe got out, they escaped.

What the freak?

Started biting all the Yankees up there.

Ah, fuck.

All the O'Conn men were getting hit. Sweet O'Conn men were getting bit, going, oh great, fuck.

Now I'm tired in the afternoon, like a fucking Bell's palsy. Let's get the science.

It says, uh, well, right off the bat, Google AI Gemini says no, it is not scientifically proven to cure—

AI hates fasting—

but it may help reduce overall inflammation and promote cellular repair. So, so yes, it doesn't eradicate the bacteria, but it can help in certain things. And nice, you should also take antibiotics because You could get fucked up from Lyme disease. Yeah, like you can, uh, your joints, hearts, nervous joints, heart, nervous system, they could all get fucked up if you don't treat it.

Straight to the motherboard, dude. That was, that was the Randy Quaid. Oh yeah, it was. But he got it pulled off and he, uh, yeah, he was—

how long ago did this happen?

It was only a couple weeks ago. Okay. Yeah, he said a couple weeks though.

He's doing all right.

Yeah, so he's all right. He was, he was benched from the, uh, from the bedroom for a while. He's like, bro, I don't think I'll ever smash again. She saw him at his worst. Yeah, having a lady just like your hairy ass wiggling like, which is what I would— anyone would do if you were getting yourself—

I would definitely react to that. I would never show— I would do that myself. You gotta do that yourself.

Oh, the pull the dick out yourself? You would have to. I don't know if I could, dude. I had the fucking bug bite on my foot. I couldn't get that thing. I tried to dig it out, but I went right to Bey, like, pull this out, please. You can, but not on your sack.

Well, yeah, after you take them out, that's at least on your skin.

You just gotta suck it up and sit in the ER for fucking 5 hours and let it— let a fucking lady or whoever—

actually, can we pause for a second? I do have to pee.

Let's do it.

Okay. I just want to see the mayor beg on the pavement.

But yeah, that was, that was a harrowing tale.

I, uh, watched a little documentary on Mao Zedong.

What's he up to?

He's dead, but he killed a lot of people on the way out.

A lot.

It's important to study communism. Yeah, because all, you know, the youngsters these days, they think it's far out and fly.

Yeah, it's really weird.

It's not. Not usually results in about 50 million people dying.

Doesn't work typically. Yeah, it's— no, it's pretty— I mean, that's, you know, again, I've been big in the YouTube debate sphere watching that, and that's a big one. Like, how are you even comfortable calling yourself a communist if that many people died? And it's like, well, it's because it sounds nice, you know? It's like, no, we share.

And it's like, yeah, but it starts with the seizure of private property. Exactly. That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, it is funny where it's like built on It's like it's not really sharing.

It's built on the government taking everyone's property.

Yeah, I know.

What the fuck? The government's terrible. Yeah, I don't trust them with anything.

It'd be horrible.

Why do people want to give them more power?

What the hell? Because it's a—

Lamar, you love the government. You love the government. We need to pay more taxes. I want to pay more taxes. We need more money. I don't I don't need to pay more taxes. Yeah, you don't. I fucking do.

Yeah, I mean, it would be funny to be like, with like Nazism, be like, well, they didn't really do that right, they kind of messed it up, we should run it again. That's a big— that's the big communism thing. They go like, well, yeah, that wasn't— they didn't do it right.

It is actually that they're too—

what is it? Communism is what, two for two? I mean, they have a couple. Yeah, there's a lot. Yeah, they have two big bad—

the Soviet Union and China are the two Big bad boys.

Yeah, yeah, not good. Yeah, it was— I mean, it was like, how many, how many did Mao get? Like 20 mil?

Way more. Yeah, in like a 3-year period, they think it might be— I mean, the, the estimates are— no one knows. Anytime something happens in China, they're like, and then 450,000 billion people died in the fucking Yellow Revolution.

Yeah, yeah.

But no, I think it was like the Great Leap Forward and it was like estimated at $45 mil of fucking starvation.

Goddamn. Yeah. And that's, that's how it works. You come into power as the communist leader, then you go, all right, here's the plan. If people are like, I don't know about that, you just murder them. Yes. Because you're like, yeah, okay, that's kind of—

this guy's, he's anti-revolutionary. Yeah, he's against the party, you got to arrest him. And he— they did a— like, the way it started was they they got all the kids, they got like the college students.

Yeah.

And then they were like encouraging them to be violent towards like older people in the old system.

What?

So they would like beat up their professors and shit, which I've been tough to— tough to not fall victim to that. I go, wait a second, there's a new president saying I should go fucking punch my teacher in the stomach?

Punch this dork in the fucking head. And then I get all this stuff You—

those kids were definitely getting straight A's though, right before the revolution. Teacher being like, everybody did great again.

Yeah, that, that, uh, well, it's one of those things that like, it is funny, it sounds so nice in theory, like, yeah, we'll all share, it'll be nice. And it's like, but in the meantime, we're gonna fucking— we're gonna just whoop people's ass. And then no, they want it. I don't feel like anyone ever does that well under it.

The people at the top do. Yeah, every single time they do real good.

That's got to be sweet.

Yeah, the people like pigs move into the man's house and start standing wearing clothes. All the other animals go, what the fuck?

Being the party boss. Well, I've also heard a thing that like communism doesn't even work unless it's global. So they were like, that was like the real dream.

It's Marxist.

Yeah, they're like, well, it's got to be global. Yeah, just a very funny philosophy. Like, yeah, if everybody does it, it'll work. It's like, yeah, it's kind of tricky.

Yeah, it's crud.

I think it's crud.

It's kind of bullshit.

Also, it's not even sharing at that point. Point, you know what I mean? It's like, we should share. And then you put someone at gunpoint, you're like, give them that. It's like what you do with the kids. You're like, share your toys. And you're like, fuck, here. That— having a billion people doing that is not, you know, it's not really gonna work.

No, they took all their grub, dude.

The grub is—

dude, you weren't even allowed to have restaurants. They had to have government-sanctioned fucking, like, canteens where everyone had to eat gruel together.

It sucks.

Blows dick.

That sucks so bad.

Yes. And then they miscalculated how much grain they had. Dead. So they're taking all the peasants' grub.

What?

Yeah, then 45 million people starved. Dang, it's crazy.

It's massive mistake. Here's the thing, after it happened, do people come out and be like, my bad? Or was it just like—

Mao said my bad. Did he? Kind of. They like, they were like, all right, you're not the leader for a few more years. And then he came back.

What?

Yeah.

Did he have the sauce or what?

He did. He did have the sauce.

Fuck.

That's the thing about all these leaders, they do have the sauce.

That's true. So, so how many people died the first time and then he got to come back again? That's kind of nice.

I swear it was 45 million, roughly. I mean, they have no idea, but I heard a guy saying 80 the other day.

Yeah, max 80, they say. But the Great Leap Forward, they estimate 45, but then over the whole time they say around 80.

80 mil, dude.

And that's starvation, murder, or like just everything.

Work camps. Yeah, you got to build tractors, dude. We got to get some fucking nice tractors. You're a slave now and you're building tractors because you said you didn't like Mao.

That sucks.

Yeah.

Did that kind of— in, you know, it sucks, 90 million people died. Did that step China forward as a power?

Are fucking huge.

Fuck.

Oh, it works. Oh no. Yeah, they're on track to be number one right now.

Oh God.

Yeah, it works.

Oh man, that's terrible. I hope these fucking computers work.

Yeah, you're not afraid to— if you're not afraid to kill most of your population, you'll be—

you can do stuff.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah.

And nobody's bent out of shape about it over there? Are they kind of like—

if you're bent out of shape about it, you and your family get So everyone's pretty chill with it today. I'm sure today they're fine.

Yeah, yeah, they're like—

I think they've moved on. Yeah, I'm sure some people hold on to some— I'd be upset.

Yeah. What year? What year are we talking?

Like the '50s?

That's pretty great.

Leap Forward was probably end of the '50s, right?

Pretty— that's pretty recent. Yeah. And so China was like pretty poor. Yeah. And then this guy's like, I got it.

They got rocked in World War II. Too.

Yeah, yeah. He was basically like, what if we turn people into Legos?

Yes.

Jesus Christ, dude, that's so bad.

Yeah. And then the other government went to Taiwan. That was who we recognized, right? Like, those are the real leaders of China. And then in the '70s, I think we were like, ah, you guys suck.

What?

It's China.

I thought China was asshole.

China is asshole.

But Taiwan, we don't—

Taiwan was— so the original, the Chinese government escaped during the Communist Revolution. They relocated to Taiwan.

Don't we fuck with Taiwan though?

Yeah, we still fuck with Taiwan, but then we finally recognized Communist China as the real China.

Got you. We're like, yeah, you guys, let's stop pretending. I mean, it's kind of embarrassing.

They got a nuke and then they— dang, Mao did get it done.

I fucking did. I mean, it sucks that, you know, I mean, all those— all the thing too is once you get to not killing 90 million people people, it's almost just absurd.

Now you sound like Joseph Stalin, dude.

Really?

One death is a tragedy, a million's a statistic, dude.

It is, dude. And a million, it's just like, all right, something like that.

I was close with that quote.

I think you're— I think you're 100% right. Because if you were telling me like he one day and there was this kid and he stepped on the kid's head and killed him, like, monster.

Yeah.

90, you're like, guy was motivated.

Fuck, did he kill 90?

Yeah, this guy's nuts. Yeah, that's horrible, man. It's also funny getting kicked out and then being like, yeah, my bad, my bad.

Like, yeah, all right, we're gonna— you're gonna be vice chairman for, yeah, 5 or 6 years, and then you come back.

He's a player too.

And he had a nasty wife, dude.

Did he?

Yeah, he married an actress who was like a fucking loudmouth, dude. She was a problem. And then, uh, did he kill her? And then when he died, they sentenced her to death.

Oh, that's right. I knew she got some sort of death, uh, which kind of sick.

They just— they changed it to life in prison, and then she killed herself.

What?

In jail? Yeah, honoring— just on honoring the boy.

Really?

He's like, Mal's the man, dude, I'm gonna kill myself. It's kind of sick. But I think she died in like the '90s. Yeah, I did hear it was this recent that we were alive at the same time as his fucking wife.

Damn.

Yeah, '91.

How did Mal die?

Damn, dude, she was alive for Notre Dame's last title. That's how long it's been, dude.

You got to watch it from the jail.

Mao Zedong's wife was like, oh, there's number one. Oh, Ru Holtz.

And when did he die? How did Mao die? He had been murdered, right?

He died— I forget, was it cancer? How did he die?

Dang.

Yeah, and he had a major heart attack in 1976. He looked exactly like my grandpa.

Did he really?

Yeah, my mom saw— my mom saw the family, it was very Asian features. I might be a descendant of the great Mao Zedong, dude.

You haven't— I've been meaning to look into that guy.

Might be a descendant, could be. I'm working on the fucking dew right now, dude. I might get the Mao Dew going.

He's got the Robotnik I'm gonna have to do the mouse. I do.

But yeah, it turns out he was a jerk. I watched enough of it.

No, we always hear he's a jerk, but then it's like—

and you always hear he put up numbers, but like, he put up the most. Number one.

Crazy.

Number one all time.

And nobody really, uh, you know, you hear he's a bad guy, obviously, but— hello. That's true, that's true.

We're gonna edit that out. All right, we did it. Good episode. Good.

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