Transcript of Ep 590 - Wildcat

The Wild Wild West.

Oh, no. They don't even tell me. It was not on the Kingdom Coaster. It offers gentle thrills with smooth turns and small hair time. I've been on there.

What are you talking about. Look at the size of the cat.

No, the...

Look at that size of the cat, yeah.

The cat, I think, is... Let me see. Brother, just beast your eyes. I see. The thing's fucking nasty as hell. Look at the size of the cat. You know what the beast does? The beast versus the wild cat. The Wild Cat is-Beast is fucking newer, dude. It's the longest, too. It's Cap.

Fuck the beast, dude. The beast is longer.

The wild cat.

Here's your part.

Yeah, the wild cat is higher, I think it has-Of course it is.

It's huge. It's so scary.

Dang, dude. Bro, a classic figure 8 design, which often focuses on the class.

Wild Cat is just an out and back classic.

So the force is on the Wild Cat or Ruffer. If you ride the beast, you want to claim the largest wooden roller coaster in the world. It's like, you know what I mean?

When was the beast constructed?

I don't know. But my thing is, it's not as rough and tumble as the Wild Cat. So the beast is like a longer ride, which gives it the The biggest, quote unquote, wooden roller coaster in the world. But we're talking G forces here.

Damn.

It's probably built a long time ago.

It was fucking-1979.

'79?

It's the biggest. There's There's nothing I can say. I was wrong. No, I was wrong. There's nothing I can do. Don't get down on Hersey, dude.

It's still Hersey has a scarier wooden roller coaster that's probably higher.

I'm telling you, I busted my fucking lip on the Wild Cat, and this guy is going to wear an I survived Hersey shirt. You're going to steal Valley like that?

How'd you bust your lip on the Wild Cat?

The fucking thing comes to a screeching halt. I smacked my face. It was nothing to me, dude. Spent the rest of the day bloodied up.

What would you rather do? If you're at a Doreny Park, you go into the amusement park or Wildwater Kingdom?

As a young man, water park.

As an old man, you're saying now in your- Old man, I'd like to not.

Yeah. Because when you're a young man, that's getting soaked at a park as a young man's game. I didn't give a fuck. I would walk around just drenched all day. Now I'd be so mad.

You don't realize how... I went to a water park recently, and you don't realize how fucked up you get on those slides. You get elbow burns nonstop, dude. I got off, and I was like, my fucking elbow.

The last water ride I was on was with you in South Carolina. Never again, dude. Right up first turn, I got flipped off the raft and just slowly landed in the pond.

It's also like-A family's tiny dick. The water slide is... Yeah, it's an absolute vacuum seal on your dick. It's a vacuum seal. You get off that thing, you're like, Oh, dude, the tennis is fully fucking...

Yeah, gym shorts.

My tennis could be preserved indefinitely in that bathing suit.

It was vacuum sealed. It was tight.

It's crazy, I think we had also regular gym shorts on. Yeah, that's not the move.

I had to wait in the pool until Matt could get us towels. Yeah. I was like, Dude, I for real can't get out of this. I remember. People were just coming down, landing next to me. Matt came back with a hotel towel. So it was this big. I just covered my penis, hopped into the Lazy River.

That's the tenets in the fucking... I remember that we were the only people adults there without kids. So we were just riding behind. A guy would be down the bottom waiting for his child, you see Shane fly down. He'd be like...

Hidden with the title, then with a big wave. What's up, dude?

Is there a boy up there?

I've avoided water parks since.

I went to one in indoor last summer, and it was pretty nice. The lines, though, were just ridiculous, man.

Yeah.

Especially when you're there with your kids, you're like, you got to bust a move. I'm going to go to my wife. I'm like, All right, get the kids for a second. I'm going to run up the slide. Thirty-five minute wait. I'm just looking down, seeing her tapping her foot. I'm like, She's going to be fucking pissed about this. Told you, I stopped a young fat boy, tried to do the old, Oh, my friends are up there, thing. And I hit him with the, You stop. You go to the back, brother.

You can wait.

I was like, Tell your friends to go back and wait with you. And he actually went and got his friends.

He was telling the truth. Shit.

No, man, fuck that. Can't be doing that. There's a lot of butters going on in those water parks, bro, and I like to shut it down. I don't have a lot of authority over anybody, but I'm pretty sure I can take a little chubby 10-year-old.

I feel like water parks have become a minorities game.

Oh, yeah. Big time. They always were. They scouted them hard in the '90s.

I guess that's where I'm from.

They weren't around. I'm saying I think they scouted them hard in the '90s because they were a white dog. The Whites definitely controlled the yard in the water park in the '90s.

But then-We did control the yard, dude. But that was because that was our generation of Whites. We used to control the yard pretty heavily. Saw some blackheads. You're not afraid to hit some slurs at the water park. You could yell anything back then. True. Water's our world, though.

True.

They got to come into the Lazy River and fucking find out.

We all felt like Kevin Costner in the wave pool. Just like, I am fucking Waterworld.

When we were there, it was the hard working river. Nate, did you get to some water parks with your shirt on?

No, I went topless.

Really?

I went topless.

Were you shredded as a kid?

No, that wasn't a fat thing. That was just black people wear shirts.

Socks. Socks.

I wouldn't do socks. I would do socks, or I would do water shoes. You got to do water shoes. I would do water shoes to this day.

Bro, water shoes is so crazy.

Water shoes is nuts.

Walking around barefoot in there is crazy.

No, it's not. No, not when you're a young man. When you're a young woman.

No, dude, from a young age, Black people get a drill in their heads. Their bare feet can never touch the earth.

They're not to touch the earth. They're never grounded.

They're never grounded.

They're never grounded.

Dude, sneakers on in the house, no bare feet. They're never grounded.

I have sneakers. Sneakers on the house is a white person thing. No.

Slippers in the house. Yeah, true. Sneakers. It's some type of footwear. I'm sandals in the house. There's house shoes, I've learned. There's such things as shoes for the house. I guess sneakers in the house. It's pure white trash.

That's just white trash. Nothing bothers me more than going to someone's house, and they're like, take your shoes off. We have slippers next to the door. I got to wear fucking slippers now with these jeans? I look like a fucking moron.

Or just don't provide any slippers. Just let your... Because it took me a while, but it is like, if you take your shoes off and you don't wear them, we try not to put any shoes on our second floor. But every now and again, I already have my shoes on. I'm like, Fuck my wallets upstairs. And I walk up, and I'm just thinking of all the piss I stepped in And then the fucking airport in the bathroom. I'm like, Well, whatever. I used to do this every day for years. It'll be fine. But, yeah, no, that's good. I like water parks, man.

Water parks rule.

They're fucking sick, man. What you do? You got wet and wild?

Yeah, at the Schlitterbohn. I invited Nate, but he didn't want to come.

The Aqua Socks were two-day prime shipping. They weren't going to get it.

Yeah, it was fun, though. Schlitterbohn. Check it out.

That's what you got? Thank you. No jokes? Nothing funny about it?

Yeah, what the hell happened? What happened there? What did you do?

Did anything good happen?

The Lazy River was pretty fun. It was actually called the Torrent River because it was like a wave pool mixed with the Lazy River. I like that. It was really fun. I feel like they probably could have named it the Crazy River instead of the Torrent River.

Crazy River would have been good.

It was really fun. I heard when you went down one of the speed slides, your penis went off your butt. You're going so fast and you liked it.

Who told you that? Your girlfriend told us you popped in your own butt. She said you bide yourself on the speed slide. Self-bide on the slipside. Well, that That's a good adventure.

Instead of a 16-year-old boy had to pull you out of your cell.

He was starting a lawn mower. He was struggling. He was just ripping that thing out.

He had to push down your nipples like the primer just to get you right in.

Is that true? Well. Did your penis fly into your butt while you were going down a slip inside and you came in your own butt? Yeah, that is true. And a 16-year-old boy had to pull it out. Prime your nipples. Is that true?

Yeah, I wasn't going to mention it, but that did happen.

Your girlfriend told us that. Well, I'll have to talk to her about that. You're going to have to have a talk with her. I'm going to have to have a stern talk with her. You can't keep telling people about the time my penis went in my butt.

When I came in my own butt, I did slip and slide. Hitting the water right as you cover your butt.

It was fun, though. Check it out.

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Anyway, I stand by the Wild Kit after reviewing.

No, dude, I know you're being nice and you're being a good friend because you were right about the beast. I was wrong about the name of the Wildcat?

I just heard. I didn't know that was-Is Wildcat the tallest or something? Why did they fucking tell me that, dude? It's the largest wooden roller coaster. Also, no one knew any other. It was pre-Internet.

Yeah, you can just go. This is the biggest fucking thing ever.

No one could be Well, there's actually a big one in wherever, Ohio. They didn't even know. But you know where the fuck Ohio was. There's a question I was thinking of recently. Why do you think they made you memorize the capitals of the States? Was that some military knowledge? Was there some practical benefit of that that comes from the military?

Or was that just-I think it's a good thing to know.

Why?

It's important, dude. I went to the capital in Idaho this weekend. Boise? Yeah. Bro, you can just walk right in. Really? Really? I don't know. I should tell everyone, but yeah. You just walk right in. You can walk into most capitals, but you could walk into the governor's. We went to the governor's office. What? Just walked in. What's up? What was he up to? What was he up to? Just talked to the guy. He was signing a bill or some shit. What? He was pretty nice. That is nice. He was a nice fellow. We got a picture together, and then I was like, I don't know. I wonder what his politics are because it's a nice endorsement photo.

Also, I heard Idaho.

He's in a tracksuit going. It's like, My bad. I didn't know I was going to meet the governor today. Yeah, I know. I was just like a fool. I was in sweat pants.

I mean, how could you have known?

I had no idea. We were walking up the steps, and these two dudes walked out. We're like, You can just walk in. All right. Dang. We'll do it.

I guess, yeah. Well, Philly is not the capital, but you can just walk in City Hall. Oh, no, no, you can't actually. There's a sign in desk. You're right. Yeah, I don't know, man. I heard that Idaho is a wild state.

It was a good state.

I heard it's nice, but I heard if you go to... I think it's like, Northern Idaho. I think the Whites are running the yard.

They run In the yard, for sure.

Up in Northern Idaho, I heard it's very...

For sure. Yeah. Yeah, that's where all the craziest Whites are. Yeah. Like that, and Washington, and Oregon out there.

Yeah, but I also heard Idaho is one of the... It was like a sneaky destination. People started buying places up out there.

That's what the governor was telling me.

Yeah, oh, the Kardashian's dude.

He was saying we've had half a million people every year. It's too many people.

No, it's apparently Idaho is a sneaky. I'm probably making it worse, but it's a sneakily beautiful.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said you can just walk into the governor's office. I don't know how many Fucking people listen in Idaho.

By the way, that's on him, man. He better fucking beef up his security.

There was a woman. There was a secretary desk, and she was like, Come in.

Yeah. It's just a lady. Wait, he doesn't have an appointment. You go, Get the fuck out of the way.

Excuse me, I have to meet with the governor of Idaho.

I'm taking a selfie with the governor right now.

Yeah, it's pretty sick. That's cool.

I met a politician in Salt Lake City, a guy running for mayor, and I was like, it was like an outdoor. It was like a farmer's market. And he was like, Yeah, usually, this is like this park. I was like, It's a beautiful park. And he was like, Yeah, it's usually like there's a lot of homeless people here. I'm like, Oh, that's sick. You don't see any here right now. He's like, Well, the police came and removed him. I was like, Dude, fuck you. And he was like, No, it's actually a travesty. I'm running against that. It's very mean, the fact that they came in. I was like, Oh, shit. My bad, brother.

I'm all for it every single time. Every single time we rounded them up and got them out. I'm like, Good job. I don't know where you put them in fucking Utah. Where are you going to take them? Fucking the mountains? Maybe.

I was just coming from-Let them Donner party out.

Just fucking grub on each other for a month.

I was just coming from the point of like, yeah, if there were a bunch of homeless people milling around, this would be less elevated experience, obviously. It's a fucking bummer.

Bro, we went from Boise, where the Whites are definitely holding down the yard, to then Portland, where the Whites are still holding down the yard, but the nasty evil Whites. True. Rodent, crusty Whites, dude. It was Portland fucking crazy. Portland is a good city. It is a great city. We had a It was a different experience. We had a very nice experience. I tried to go back to that same bar and got fucking murdered. That bar was right next to the venue. It was nice. There were no cool motorcycle guys riding in circles. No kids getting cars with scooters. Yeah, they were We're in a good time last time we were there, but this time, there was the Bums. The Bums have won, Labowski. The Bums won. I saw a colonoscopy bag on the ground filled with shit. Right next to a giant dead rat, and then just I think the rat ate the shit and died. Yeah. It was...

That sucks.

Yeah, they got to clean it up because it's such a beautiful city.

Yeah, Portland fucking rules. And again, it's like, what do you do with a guy who just lays on the ground? There's nothing you can do. No. Except, how do you get him pumped? You know what I mean?

Yeah, you put meth under a box with a stick. All right, we got another one.

It doesn't even trap. It just falls on him.

We just got him. Yeah, we got him.. Nice. I'm not going today.

Yeah, I don't know, man. You could do a thing where it's like, you know how they gave the Nazi soldiers myth? Something like that, but then better programming, obviously.

You want to invade somewhere.

I Blitz Creek, fucking-Blitz Creek with job applications.

Take Vancouver. Blitz Creek.

We should just... Yeah, that'd be a nice little undercover op. Just like, mess them up and be like, Yo, that's the Canadian border. I bet you can't get in there.

I was thinking about just shipping them to my enemy's houses. Like, somebody I don't like.

Talking about ordering one up and being like-Just going to downtown Austin, get a megabus.

Yeah. That's cheap as fuck. You guys are headed to the town of one of my... I'm just going to lower the property value in whatever town my enemy lives in.

This is what politicians were doing.

They were really doing it. But I'm saying you can do that at a personal level. Oh, you could for sure. You can just get them on a bus, go I'll give each of you $100. Yeah.

There was a guy. I saw a video of a guy claiming that he would go around, pay homeless people $25 for their Social Security, birth date, and all this stuff, take out credit cards in their name and cash advances. He would just get tons of money from all these people. And then he would get a cell phone with that money and put it in that guy's name as well and hand that guy the cell phone. And then somehow he would set it up to where he would do a purchase, but it went back to that cell phone, and the police would track it and arrest the homeless person.

It's a win-win.

It was awesome.

I know we're being rude to the homeless. We are. But they've been rude to me.

They have. They can be rude.

They yell at me. They scream at me.

They can be rude. But again, they do yell. They scream. They taunt. In Portland, I heard so many screams.

Just down the street, you just hear basically the guy that scared the queen. I was the queen. I would hear someone scream, and I'd be rushed away. James McCain would grab me and rush me into a building.

That's the funniest video still to this day of a guy just screaming and ruining the whole thing.

I heard several of those. San Francisco had the bums.

Yeah.

They had the bums still. Me and I, we had to run from a bum. For what? Chasing us.

What was he chasing for?

We went to look at the sea lines at the wharf, and there was just a big fucking bum. He was He was a tall boy. He was a landline. Yeah, he was. He was a tall boy. His pants were both ripped straight down. So he was wearing like... I don't know, he looked like the Scream guy. His clothes were all loose. But he was on. He was screaming at the top of his lungs.

He was like, You, motherfucker.

Fuck, yeah. And he was just walking.

We got to get those homeless boys some knee pads, bro, some facelift. Sliders, dude. We got to turn them to sliders.

Now, this is the type of forward thinking. If we could have the fucking sickest country on Earth. If we had a billion sliders in every city. I would pay them, bro. They could make a good living if they just started sliding.

Someone's got to hook them up with Venmo, too, because nobody has cash anymore.

I saw some bums with Venmos.

Yeah, but it's like, You got to slide for me, papi. If I'm going to be given... If I'm going to be doing out cash...

My words exactly. I said, Bro, you got a Venmo sign? You need to slide for me, papi. You need to slide.

Or glove. I would take gloving, too. If they were gloving, I'd be like, All right, that's fair. I hate to admit it, but I think I might be more of a glover than a slider. That's fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry. I know. Sliding is obviously way more mask and tough.

Sliding is so sick. You saw the pig guy side.

Dude, I know. I've seen it. Sliding is fucking nasty as hell. I'm just saying deep down inside, I might be a glover. Sliding is sick, but imagine if we pitched out this house, total no lights, and I was fucking-Okay, I I hear you.

I think if somebody was sliding there. Sparks. Sparks at night?

True. Come on.

All right, that's fair. It depends, though. I will say, if I was on psychedelics, the Glovers would fucking rock.

Dude, a slider could take you to a dark place. If you're on mushrooms and some dude with goule paint.

Yeah, that's exactly both of our habits. True. I like alcohol. If I was drunk, watching sliders, I'd be like, Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. If I was drunk, watching the glove guy, I'd be like, Dude, get the whole fucking out of here. It's fucking bullshit. Get your fucking hands out of my face. But if you got, yeah, psychedelics in the sliders would really fucking ruin it. This guy's a fucking idiot. This is just crazy.

Just the face paint alone.

This is somebody's son. He's still in slide. He's sliding on the road in fucking Sacramento. He's a fucking idiot.

But yeah, we continue to search for something for the homeless to do, and I think sliding is a good start.

Sliding is a very good start.

That's It's definitely a plan.

I haven't heard any good options.

Dude, imagine you go to apply for a warehouse right outside your interview, so I can slide.

Slide into the interview? Slide.

Or just do the sparks on your pants.

Or, again, break out the gloves during the mid-interview. Do you have any special talents? You go, Yeah.

Hold on. It's like you turned the lights off, please.

You're hired. You're the CEO now.

I'm also down with raw glovings.

What are we talking about? What about a sliding glover? Would it slide into the meeting, hit the glove, slide out?

What is the Ether War distinction all about? Why can't you be both, for real?

True.

That'd be so fucking tough. That'd be so nasty.

I swear to God, sliders are holding down the yard, though. They're definitely beating the fuck out of the Glover, guys. Sliders are nuts.

I mean, definitely.

How many undercover sliders do you think we're at Skangfest? How many undercover sliders? We're at Skangfest. There had to be seven to eight sliders there.

Dude, this next one's Skangfest X, right?

We got to hire a slide. Dude, let's ruin Skangfest. Let's hire Bums to go to Skang Let's just hide wherever they fucking book it. Let's ship a thousand Bums and sliders.

With strict instructions to slide.

All they have to do is chase Lewis, Jay Gomez. We'll give him a picture of Lewis. Whatever you see this, man, chase him.

If they do it on an island, I think X is going to be on an island. We might have to have an amphibious operation. We'd have to get them over there. We need to get them out. We need a duck boat We need the H-boats from D to just lower the doors and let them slide out.

Yeah.

Damn. That'd be so fucking funny.

I mean, putting sliders in any situation is Dude, I'm surprised no one's slid at Skankfest yet.

It's coming.

People are-There's sliders. We should just at least hire some sliders as a gift to Skankfest. You never saw sliders?

It doesn't know what sliders or glovers are.

Hey, welcome to the revolution, dude.

Bro, you're going to sit around and say, White people don't have culture? Sliders and glovers? Holy shit.

Dude, for real. That'd be nice for SkangFest 10 to be like, Dude, we got you guys. Skangfent. Skangfent. Yeah, for 10, for SkangFest X. If we just said, Hey, hold an hour slot for us. We just have sliders. We're just doing a talent show. We just have sliders and glovers.

I'm not kidding. I would absolutely do that. Skankfest 10, you and me will have a live show. Sliders versus Glovers. That'd be awesome.

We should just pre-record. Just pre-record and have us on the TV.

Yeah, true. We don't have to go. Just zoom in. Just zoom.

Welcome. Thank you, everybody. It's like if we died, we were sending a message in the future. You have made it here. Great. Excellent.

Now, an hour and a half of guys sliding.

I didn't know everyone knew about the sliders. They were hitting my algo, and I was like, How did you keep that to your sofa so long? I told every single personI did.

I was sharing them, me and one guy, just going back and forth sharing sliders.

I'm thinking, hopefully, your algo might have charged mine and hit me with the fucking slider material because I was on Glovers for a while.

Who do you like more, Nate? Do you like sliders or Glovers?

The Glovers are weirder to me. They freak me out, actually.

Yeah, that's some type of hypnotism magic.

It was too much individual finger movement together. I didn't like those two choreographs. Sliders just come in, slide. Sliders are slide. Slide, do something cool, maybe drag their hand across.

Hold on, but who do you-You got to show them the sparks.

I showed them the sparks. I saw the sparks.

My question is, so if you're at an all-black barbecue, who do you think would be tolerated better, a Glover or a Slider? Glover.

I think a Slider. I think a Slider might be getting his I think they might be his ass.

No, I think Slider is going to get like... Because Glovers is going to be like, Get that shit out of here. But Slider is going to be like, Oh, shit. Every time he slides.

That's a good point. But no face paint, though, obviously. You couldn't wear the demonish, the demonic face paint. No.

They like that.

It depends on the time of the year. They love the purge masks. They love the purge. Black people love purge masks.

Rock, slide in the shy Steve. I can't wait till we start slide. You all don't want to see us slide.

You didn't bring that, did you? What? That shyste. I didn't bring it.

I forgot my shyste. I know. I forgot my shit. I should have worn it.

When he said it, I was like, damn, Matt's probably holding that, trying to break that out. I should have buck it out. It's going to hit me with it when I'm not looking.

I should have put that thing on. I got to get that. My wife is threatening to throw it out. I told her I was going to throw away all her pocketbooks if she thought I was wearing my shit. I was like, I'll throw all your dumb fucking purses out. She knows I'm thugging.

She knows. She knows she's a bad boy. I would have post up.

I'm just going to post up and trap. She just finally got out of the trap. She's literally in the trap with me.

You can't start trapping again, bro. Please. I know the streets are calling.

That'd be so nice. I think about it now that I could literally probably buy a thousand of weed and just go dumb.

It'd be so sick. Yeah, you could really get arrested. Oh, I know.

I could go really crazy. I could get a shipping... First of all, I can buy a shipping container, and I could probably fill it. That'd be so tight.

Could you zoom from prison?

They have tablets in prison.

I wonder if we could I probably could get some program. Bro, the podcast would go through the roof if you were in jail.

The only thing I thought about it, I think it's the thing about all the time. If I go to jail, I'd be like, If I got out, I'll still be sick. It'll be fine. But yeah, no, they have tablets now in prison. I just found that out.

I'll give you some verses from the phone. Remember they used to do that on rap albums? I would call in from the jail.

Hey, what's up, Shane?

Yeah, this is what I was thinking about.

Yeah, I think about trapping all the time, dude. It'd be so tight. Because I could I can really get a fucking bad guy HQ now. Yeah. It'd be so fucking sick.

You have a lair. You'd have black eyes and purge masks and sliders.

I could get a van and a lair. You could have a henchmen. Obviously, my shy Steve. Henchmen, that'd be sick as hell. And I could Just pulling into your own bad guy lair and having guys just lower the fucking garage door. That's all I want. That's fair.

That's something you should aspire to. Yeah. Bad guy lair, just guys pulling up a door. Yep.

Hey, boss. I remember there was a warehouse. I knew someone that had a warehouse set up, and I was just so jealous. I would go in there and buy weed, and I'd be like, This is so fucking sick. You have a warehouse. They had a gun in their warehouse. It was awesome. Anyone knocked up, they'd just be like, Fuck, who What the fuck is that? He's like, damn, that's so sick. You should shoot that guy right fucking now. That'd be awesome.

Yes, I'd like that if you got it. I might turn on you, though. I don't like that stuff. What do you mean? I don't like you trapping, dude. I would report you. That'd be nice, too. I'd start wearing a wire. You'd have to have me strip at gunpoint.

You're at a cafe. You're at an outdoor cafe with the I be like, he just brought in a thousand pounds of Skittles.

He's making Skizzlers again. Skizzlers.

I didn't make gummies, but regular gummies. I made regular gummy bears. It was nice. Made it for my kids.

How were they received?

You know what, man? They were nasty about it because I...

Just little fuckers?

Yeah, I didn't let them dry enough. So they were like, these are yucky. I was just like, the first batch they liked and the second ones, they were like...

She said, well, I just can't do anything right. I tried so hard. What else is going on?

What the fucking hell? Again, my coffee cup. Trying to kill me. Fuck. It's probably the fucking Saint Loa cartel.

True, they heard you.

I heard about my Skittles.

Yeah. Donald Trump is going to blow up your boat. You're going to be in Lake Austin and get a drone strike on your drug boat.

No, I was telling you this weekend, who the hell is that? Someone just said, Hello.

Hold on, Nate. Let's take a look at who this is. Matt, it's an amazing time of year to be a sports fan. We've got the battle for the Nattie, elite hoops every night, and cold weather football with playoff spots on the line. With all the pics to choose from, it's like a holiday spread every night on Prize pics, where it's always good to be right. You and I make loads of decisions during the holidays. Being right can get you paid.

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Hey.

We're back.

Yeah, salesman interrupted the fucking flow.

It was door-to-door salesman. I saw him try to hit you with it. Hold on now. No, bro. These guys have been hit with the algorithm of how to be a salesman.

How to conquer objections.

Yeah, the objection of just like, Yo, get the fuck out of here. Dude beat it.

Coming over. Yeah. Coming out with the dude beat it stuff. He wanted to, I think, remodel your entire house.

I should have let him. I'm renting. True. Yeah, fucking tear down every wall. Send me the bill.

Yeah, that's fucking bullshit. Also, If you're doing door to door sales, there's got to be something in it for me in terms to listen to it. You know what I mean? For the podcast, at least we do a podcast, and then there's ads. You should have to do a five minute solo cast. True. Come up and be like, Dude, that shit's crud. Did you hear about that fucking thing?

I should have brought him in and been like, All right, give us your sales pitch.

Hit us with the pitch. And he's been like, Hold on. We could have done some Andy Elliott action. Andy Elliott. I saw a clip of him. Let me see, bro. If you're not fucking ripped, No way. I think someone was talking shit on him in the comments, and then he somehow found the guys where he worked. Oh, no. And called the guy and gave him a chance to overcome his objections and roleplay, and the guy froze. And he was just like, That's what it's about, man. The guy fucking froze. He blew his shoes.

I see him call people, and I'm like, I would have been that guy. He'd call me like, I see you have a 2007 Honda on the lot. I'd be like, Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah.

Do you want to come in and look at it? It's on the website. It's probably up there. All right, see you.

No, the guy started going like, I can't hear you. He's like, You can hear me. I know you can hear me. Don't do that. I was also like, That's a good move. I would have done that, too.

I only had one guy hit me with that, and it was a Chinese man. Really? Yeah, he came in. He wanted to know every single thing about the Honda Odyssey. I didn't know one thing about it. What did he say? He was like, Take the middle seats out. I want to see how it looks without seats. I was like, fuck, all right. I didn't know how. Yeah, I couldn't get the ones. I couldn't move any of the seats. I was like, I don't know how to do it.

You should be like, Bro, this is going to be your car. I want to see you get familiar with this. You go ahead.

Now see, Matt, that would make you an expert salesman. I just bent over and was like, Jesus Christ, fucking shit. I'm sorry, I can't do it. How did he take that? He was very mad, and he left. What? He didn't like me.

Just that you couldn't take the seats out?

Yeah, he wanted an honorable... Yeah, true. He wanted somebody who cared. Yeah, that makes sense. I actually got in trouble for that. For not being able to take the seats? Yeah, because my manager came over and was like, What's going on? He was like, Your salesman doesn't know how to do anything. He doesn't know anything about this car. Jeez. I was like, He's right.

Yeah, he got me. I don't know Did the manager train you on how to take the doors out?

Yeah, he was like, sit down and read the fucking pamphlet about the Honda Odyssey. I just sat at my desk and probably got on a video game on my computer, got on Sporcle, did top five Heisman's from each year, sat down.

Yeah, reading the manual, it's crazy. No shot. That's absolutely insane. My dad tries to hold it down. So you need that. Most mechanics just read that manual and figure out everything you know. I'm like, Bro, get the fuck out of here. He claims he checks his oil every time he fills up his gas. I'm like, Dude, you're the biggest liar. Every time you get gas, check your oil. There's a gage.

That's what I'm saying. I can look at it.

That's what I'm saying. He holds it down.

He's like, Dude, that oil runs out your whole car.

I was terrified for everything in my car. He was going to stop working one day.

Yeah. God dog got a little oil on his dipstick at the water. His old dipstick went right in the gas tank.

It was crazy because I heard it. After his dick went off his butt, he turned on his belly and went down backwards. Which when he hit the water, jammed it up further.

Oh, no. Is that true? It was a deep pie. The deep self pie? Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately. It was a canole in your WAP butt. A little WAP canole. You're nasty.

I'm sorry, it's happened for real, man. It's got to be tough.

Yeah, but I'm all right now.

How many penile injuries are at the water park every year? There's got to be a good amount. A lot, dude. Yeah, it's got to be a lot of guys at least get thunderclaped on their balls. Dude, I got what was called a thunderclap headache for the first time in my life. I was lifting weights and just boom, I had a massive headache out of nowhere. It was scary. I looked up. I was pump, and I saw it was called literally a thunderclap headache. I was like, yeah, obviously. That's fucking sick.

It's like a Norse. Yeah. Some type of Viking headache. Literally.

That's what happened. It fucking sucked, man. It came out of nowhere. I think I was just holding my breath too long.

If you hold your breath, you got it.

My face is bright red, and I just got out of nowhere, a crazy headache, then it went away. But that's what happens. If you get brain bleeding, you pop one of these things, you get a massive headache, and then Sad. It is. It is sad. Scary, dude. I was fucking freaking out. It's scary and sad. I think I saw my grandma died.

Yes, she's dead lifting.

She's dead lifting. Probably, dude. Getting closer Bro, I'm getting closer to a thousand pound club. I'm at 8, 25. You're going to get there so quickly. I'm going to get there. You're bulking. 175 pounds left.

The allegations are not going anywhere.

I'm down bringing Derek from more place for days.

You're juiced, bro. You're juiced to I'll test whenever. We talk about it, me and the guys.

Talk about how juiced I am?

Yeah, we got to do something. He's outburst of anger, fucking crazy. Matt called me the other day. He was just like, What's up, you fucking pussy? Fucking piece of shit.

I'm tired of carrying this whole fucking thing.

Fuck you. He was like, What the fuck, Matt? This isn't like you. Ever since you went to Waze to Welles, you've been a real fucking jerk.

No, Nattie, I'm all Nattie, and I'm chill, too. I'm Nattie, and I got the chill to prove it.

No, and then your wife called me and was like, Shane, I'm scared. I actually believe that. I was like, Just hang in there a few more. He's going to be all right soon. I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to get him off the juice.

I could believe that.

I came to his house to get him off the juice. He was shirtless in the garage. I was like, Oh, it was dark in there, too. I was like, What the fuck are you doing in here? He was gloving, jacked. He was like, Get the fuck out of here, I'm gloving, going out with your fucking flyer friends. Now, that's not a word we would use. I was on the juice, my dad. But he was juiced up. That was weird making fun of somebody. You don't have to fucking time to say it, but fuck it.

I do want to get some mastbells. Do you ever see those things? They're like kettlebells mixed with dumbbells, but you reach your hand inside of a steel ball, but you can hold it from the inside. It's fucking sick. You feel like Mega Man when it's on your hand. I saw those things the other day. I want them. That's all I've been doing for Pretty chill.

I'm trying to think what else is going on. Are you excited for Christmas? What are you going to do for the holidays?

My house. We're staying right in my house. You're staying in Austin? Yeah, my wife's been trying to subvert my children into doing a Christmas trip in Whistler Canada. I keep trying to shut it down. She's like, It'd be nice. It'd be snowy.

I'm like, You're going to suck ass. It's going to fucking blow. Actually, that would be fucking cool.

It would be cool. My problem is gifts. It's like, dude, you have kids. Bring the gifts. You want to go somewhere it snows? They're like, Yeah, but they just think a bunch of gifts are going to appear in Canada. I'm like, I'm not fucking shipping that and shipping it back. It's like, no fucking shot, buddy.

I'm going to have a bleak Christmas. I'm going to go to my parents and be a single man in my parents' basement for a few days.

True.

Thanksgiving was tough. I was just down there jacking off.

Yeah.

I'm going to do it again. For Christmas, I'm going to get drunk and go to my parents' basement and jack off.

That's bleak. Not bad.

I hear you. There's some peace and quiet.

There's peace and quiet, but I do hear what you're saying.

I remember... It's bleak.

I remember when all my friends had kids, and I would just go hang out, and I didn't have kids. I remember I felt weird. I would go to places, and I'd be like, Man, I just wish I wasn't here.

Yeah, I'm not going to my friend's house. You just feel weird. I go, Guys, get your family, come to the bar. True.

Come to the bar. Come to the bar.

And then I'm going I jack off in my parents' basement. Shane?

What are you doing down there?

I'm not here, Mom. I'm watching YouTube videos. Okay, just get to bed. Mom, it's fucking 11 o'clock. I'm not even tired.

You think I go to sleep at 11: 00? Yeah, right.

I'm on my own as fuck. Yeah, that'll be dark.

What do you think? Because you don't have a curfew, obviously. You can come and go as you please to your parents house. Where do you think that ends in terms of your freedom in that house? Where do you think they would stop you and go, All right, Shane.

If it was three 3: 00 or 4: 00 AM, and I was still in the kitchen drinking by myself, they would be really sad. They would be like, We need to talk.

What if you pulled a sober all-nighter?

I think they would support it.

If you did a sober all-nighter, just stayed up all night playing video They would believe.

They would think they were narcotics. I could do that. What? That might be a fun little Christmas. Just get a fucking eight ball and no alcohol, just coke for the entire time. Just a coke bench for Christmas at my parents house.

You should get a $10,000 suit and just do cocaine the entire time you're at your parents house.

I should go. Just full McGregor. In front of the Christmas tree, he got to stand your base.

Just draped in finery, too. Just pocket watch. That'd be so fucking funny, especially if you only did a gentlemanly amount.

Yeah, and you could do like, Coke, when they did in the 1800s. That's what I'm saying. Just fully right in front of everyone.

That's the move. That's the move. Then just hit all the rounds. Go see all your friends, kids, and show up and be like, What's up, my little guy?

Blasted on coke, going to everyone's house.

Business ideas out the wazoo.

Massive gifts. Hey, I got you a car. I figured you guys could use a Honda Odyssey. I don't know how to fucking dig the seats out, but it's all yours.

Let me show you how this thing works. Shit, I forgot.

That's actually good. Yeah, that would be nice. No alcohol, just Coke. All nighter for three straight days.

Just $40,000 in chains.

It would be so tight. Oh, shit. I forgot to get you guys stuff here. Take that.

Just go to people's houses and talk about the terms of their mortgage. But you guys refile on this? What was the interest rate when you were listening? Yeah. I ran into some party Monsters, dude, at the show in Missouri. Violent Bob Ross, dude. His party Monster hit. They were having a good time. And yeah, that was the stickiest situation ever because it was like, I was learning in real time, and he was a UFC guy. And then the classic thing, obviously, you're going to go, fuck, beat your ass. And after a couple of those, I was telling jokes while I would look with the side of my eye. Like, Is this guy going to fucking tackle me and beat my ass? Because it became increasingly clear, like, Oh, I think this guy's shit. And then during the show, it got He was just having too much fun, kept just blurring stuff out in support of me, which is a tough one when you're like, Dude, I know you're on my side, but just please, please chill. And at one point, I bradded out. I'm like, Man, security is tight as hell in here, man. Jesus Christ.

Good thing you guys are all over the case. And finally, after this fucking seventh time, a security guard comes up, and I'm looking at this guy, and I'm going, Dude.

Yeah, he was probably doing the same thing you were. What? The guy kept yelling. He was probably in the back like, Please, please, please, Please, fuck no, dude. Please. I didn't think he was.

Dude, the guy's name is Violent Bob Ross. It's a sick name. It is. And the guy comes to start the negotiations, and I just went, Give him one more chance. I did the math.

Don't worry about it, bro.

I went like, We're not at the mothership, dude. I was like, We're just in the middle of Missouri.

This guy is going to beat the fuck out of him.

He could have. I was like, This guy could have fucking killed. He could have killed me and him. And I was just like, You know what, man? Give him one more shot. We can't get you out of here. This is just your show now. But he did. He chilled. And then towards the end, he started just like, chirping a little. I'm like, Bro, we have 10 minutes. It was funny, too, because I was genuinely worried the security is going to come back and try to kick him out.

You can't kick him out.

You literally can't remove the guy. So it was just funny. I remember it really felt like I was like, When my kids wake up early, and I'm like, Dude, come on. I know what I'm on. Just come on, dude. I don't want to see a horrible Mele breakout. But yeah, so we chatted after the show. He was the man.

He was good, bro.

He was too excited.

He was fired up. Do you think it'd be wiser for me to go cocaine for Christmas, or do you think I should go to LSD?

Lsd would be chill.

Just take acid for three days with my parents?

Yeah, that'd be super chill.

The kids come over.

Yeah, that'd be nice. You can just mange. I have a little dropper. You could just do like half a hit in the morning.

You know me. That one didn't hit. Those did.

True. I mean, even just once on Christmas Day, go to Mass, a little midnight Mass, and stay up all night. Just watch Slider videos.

Dad, come down. You got to see this.

What the hell is this?

God damn it. Please show Phil Sliders. He's going to be mad. He's going to be genuinely mad about it. My mom will be like, Well, that's nice. Are these your friends? Yes. Oh, my God. That's That's Nate. That's Nate Marshall.

Tell your mom what happened to Sean at the water park, too.

I will. It was in the paper. My mom saw it. It was in the paper.

His penis went up his butt, and he flipped around on his stomach, and he He's going to act his ass on the water.

Oh, man. Yeah, I didn't even think about how bleak that's going to be. Fuck, I'm bummed out. It'll be all right. I'll be all right.

You're going to rent a car? You can go to a parking lot and peel out. So you should just peel out in the parking lot. True. The police apartment will probably let you do it.

They would.

They pulled up and like, Guys, I got a lot on my mind. I just need to peel out in this parking lot.

Guys, I just turned 38. I'm living in my parents house. I should probably have a family by now.

I should be sliding right now.

You're the fucking Down syndrome guy, right? Yeah, that's me. The drunk guy.

If, Excuse me, I've rented this Mustang for a reason, and just be like...

Yeah, you'll never get me. That'd be so exciting. You fucking pussies could never catch me. Slide. Slide to the whip. They might be afraid if you hit the slide to the...

I'm going to do a slide, then suicide by cop. Slide to their gun.

Slide straight to the gun. All right. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Matt, I need you to rift for me, Daddy. What do you like to watch around the holidays?

You know what I'm watching right now? Elf. That's great. Elf is, I swear to God, it might be the best Christmas movie ever. I've been laughing out loud the entire time. It just holds up.

But you got to keep in mind, whatever film you watch, it took a team of remarkably talented individuals to create. Writers. Oh, my God. I never thought about it either. Writers, actors, editors, set designers. When you need your own team to create something wonderful, use ZipRecruiter. Try it free at ziprecruiter. Com/ MSSP.

I'm going to bring it up to my wife, and I were watching Elf. I'm going to go, You know it took a team of people to make this. Took a team of extraordinary talent. Probably turn her on. Yeah. See what we're seeing right now? That went through a camera.

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Hey, guys. Guys, please come out this weekend. I will be in Syracuse, New York. Very big show. I'll be at the Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York. And then January 16th and the 17th, I will be in Houston, Texas. And on the 17th, I'll be at the Majestic Theater in Dallas, Texas. Also going to be Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, New York, Las Vegas, and a bunch of other cities. Go to mattmcusker. Com for tickets. Thank you.

I just added shows today. April fourth, Chicago, April 17th, Nashville, April 18th, Charlotte, May ninth, Boston Garden. And those are on sale right now with pre-sale code SG Live. Also, the link, please come to the link. Buy tickets now. That's not until July, but get those tickets now. That thing's going to sell out, and we're going to have cool stuff. We're going to have sliders. It's going to be selling. I swear to God, I'll get sliders. Please do. It's going to be more of an event than a comedy show. There's going to be cool stuff. It's going to be awesome. If I can get a flyover.

Have a commercial pilot reroute and just fucking... True. It'll be tight. Worst comes the worst.

Worst comes the worst. We got a national tragedy on our hands.

You're going to get yours, God dog?

Yeah. You got to get yours before I get mine.

Hello, everybody. I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22nd and 24th.

Now, show your shirt.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22nd and 24th. Now, I'll be with my friend Aiden McClusky. There'll be good shows, please.

Don't hit the slide.

Please, showgardini. Com, Atlanta Helium, Alpharetta, January 22nd, 24, please. Thank you. Thank you. Dan.

Thank you, guys. Did you ever have a money clip before?

No, I think people have tried to give me them, and I just can't.

I had one. I loved it.

Well, that was probably when you were trapped.

It was like a teenager. Oh, really? I just have a money clip. It was said, Fat Matt was engraved in it, and I would keep like 80 bucks in it. I thought it was the coolest shit in the world. That is sick. It was my Fat Matt money clip.

He was chubby. He was chubby, and his brother was hit him with a fat Matt. And he owned it, dude. Made it his screen name. I know about it.

Fat Matt. They used to call me Thunder for Thunder Thies. Thunder killed me.

Thunder's Thunder.

Thunder. I still have the fucking thick thick.

You got thick legs, man.

Some company sent me jeans, man, and I put them on. I was just like, I can't wear these. I look insane, dude. I look like Konan. That is my goal to get my thighs. I want to completely max them out. I got to lean into it. When I was a kid, I was for real, very insecure about my big fat thighs. I would walk almost-Fat thighs on a dude sucks. It was crazy. I had Flina O'Hara pants, and they weren't like... They were all one size. So if you had jacked fucking quads, and they were fat, too.

Yeah, we rocked Flina O'Hara. Yeah.

I would walk down the hallway, and I wasConstantly, I remember grade school being like... I just never felt comfortable.

I was sweating through those fucking things. It was crazy. I had just anxious arm pit sweat, and it was fucking crazy.

Yeah, we didn't have air conditioning in my grade school.

No, we didn't have it in high school. We had no AC. Everyone was dying, dude. We had to wear a sweater vest and a fucking button down or a full sweater.

I think we had AC in high school. I'm pretty sure we had AC in high school. I would have been bitching if not.

No, we didn't. Then they would just open the windows and turn the lights off. That was good. Trying to do a class. Everyone just fall asleep.

Yeah, the best in Catholic grade school is the end of the year when they put all the desks on the side of the wall, and you have to just make up snow days and just sit on the ground and play seven up, dude. It was the best.

Yeah, that's true. That is very nice.

That was my favorite. It was nothing better. Worst were the first week of school when you went back in, you just smelled the smell of school, and you're like, Fuck me, man. Chloe's just realizingI didn't mind that.

Now you're I'm bringing it up. That used to fire me. At the beginning of the school year, it was great.

I hated it. I was fucking furious.

I would go in there and go, Fuck this. Yeah, you were with all boys, though.

No, high school. I had fun in high school. It was a great school.

Yeah.

Great school, I would go in. I just hated it. I was like, Fuck this.

Yeah, I guess as a kid, I probably wasn't too excited because summer fucking rocked.

Summer rocked, man. And I had to go back to summer rock.

Summer rocked. You're going to the biggest wooden roller coaster in the world. Going on the Wild Cat all summer.

I remember, though, I did get excited. My cousin came to school in second grade, and I remember we just sitting in the fucking gymnasium just like this in line waiting to go in. And my cousin walked in. I was just like, oh, fuck. If you're a second grade, I didn't know he was coming. I was just like, one day. I was like, dude, my cousin's in school?

That was tight. That's nice.

That was fucking sick. But Other than that, I hated school. My daughter, Chloe, is just realizing now that she has to go to school forever.

School sucks. Yeah, she hates it. It did feel like forever. I'll be in school the rest of my life. Yeah.

I mean, it is. I remember graduating College and being like, I can't believe I'm finally done. I fucking hated school every day. Every day begs. She's like, Wakes up. She goes, Where am I going? I go, Going to school today. She goes, Oh. I'm like, Dude, it's never going to end.

Get used to it.

It's never going to end.

You're a girl, too. You're going to be in school until you're 30. Oh, yeah. You're going to get 15 degrees. Yeah, true. You're going to get everything. You're going to be a doctor. You're going to get a PhD. Then you're going to get pregnant. That's it.

Girls love school. Girls love school. Old school, man. They crush it.

They're good at school.

True.

They do love good handwriting.

Yeah, I'm getting a first-hand account of Girl World right now.

You might be butt pregnant.

Yo. I think he's a butt son.

I think you have a butt son right now. Or twins. Do you think your butt's pregnant?

You know, it might be. I don't know. I hope not. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I don't think you're ready for the responsibility of butt kids. No.

Because you have to deliver, too. As a guy, you're going to deliver on all fours.

You're going to be like a...

They put your face down on the table.

You're going to be like a seahorse. They're just going to come flying out of your butt.

I got to take a test or something. I got to poop on a strip or whatever.

What else is going on?

What else do we got?

Just that. Just fucking VBR.

Just Cardini getting his butt pregnant.

Getting his butt pregnant. I got the link with VBR. He was the man at the show. It was really fun.

Missouri is rough, though, dude. Missouri is a rough state.

It's crazy, man. I didn't realize how goddamn rough that place was. I was talking about the white ladies down there.

They're just like, But that's Missouri States right there, right? The University.

Yeah. Missouri States right there. Mizzou is up near Chicago. I heard Missouri also. So close to Texas. Yeah. It would have been a six-hour drive. I could have drove there.

No. I swear to God, dude.

No chance. I went to Springfield, Missouri, from Austin.

Six hours. Maybe from Dallas. There's zero chance.

Maybe from Dallas.

Even then.

Look it up. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Dallas, I'm certain.

I mean, if you looked it up, I believe you.

I was shocked. I was like, Wait, this is six hours away from motherfucking Dallas?

It's 15 hours.

It's 10 from Austin.

Yeah, six from Dallas.

Yeah, Dallas is closer.

Sorry. Bitch.

I'm not just sitting here. Wait, how far is Dallas from here? Three. Oh, okay.

About three and a half.

Yeah. All right.

I'm going to do a little Texas road dog trip. Me and Gardini, we're going to go to Houston, Dallas, back.

Nice. That'd be tight.

I'm excited to hit the road. What playlist you want me to play for you?

Something chill. Whatever you got, I'm down for.

What are you going to hit him with? Hit me with a fucking audiobook.

Hit me with a fucking audiobook, dude. Very aggressive tech. I can get an audiobook or very, very aggressive dystopian tech.

We were doing Skip to wherever we last heard.

I was sitting with Skepta. Dude, that might be the best music ever. I like Skepta. Just like British rap.

British. It is good.

Dude, did you ever see the Topboy show?

No.

It's really good. It's nothing but... Yeah, it's so good. It's just like British. It's good. It's like British Belly.

I think Drake brought us that.

I believe so. Is it Drake?

I think Drake helped with that a lot. I think he did some music.

When it came back. The OG one, I think, was just the guy, the rappers from the show, they did their own Rockefeller. Here's our money, here's our show thing.

Is that boy like Crodie's and Mandem? Or is it like the Toronto people?

No, it's British, but I guess they probably have a lot of the same slang. It's cribby and influenced. Yes. Yeah.

It's important.

It's important to hold space. We need to hold space.

You know what I did all weekend? I watched interviews in the Green Room, the actor with actor, whatever it's called. I think it's actor on actor.

With?

Just every actor, they do just two actors talking to each other. Okay. I'm trying to learn how to do that talk.

I thought you were talking Inside the actor's studio.

It's not Inside the Actors Studio. There's another one. I think, fuck, I forget what magazine does it or whatever. I've seen a couple of those. Actor and actor.

I saw one with Robert Pattyson and Jennifer Lawrence.

Did you?

Yeah, I don't know how new they are.

I saw The Rock and Brandon Frazier. That's good stuff. It's really good stuff. I also like the way actors talk to each other. They're very much like... They'll just use words. It's not like epic, but it's always very much like... It's just the funniest way. I don't know. I've never seen anyone else talk like that to each other. I mean, it might be the most iconic. I would say it's the most iconic charge, a very charged scene. Thank you, yes. Thank you for saying it. God damn. I watched a bunch of different ones, and it's just nothing but that.

Yeah, I know exactly. I can't replicate it.

I was trying to learn how to replicate it, but I did learn the word reportage. Reportage is a word, apparently, about reporting, I think. So I watched the media roundtable with Schultz.

How was it? I saw a clip. It was cool.

The clip was funny that I saw. You watched the whole thing, and the whole thing was like, why don't people trust the media? And then it was just watching these media people try to gaslight everyone and be like, We are good reporters, and you should trust us. And you're like, All right. I did hear the word reportage. I heard the word reportage. Ben Shapiro hit something like, I've seen a lot of good reportage. I was like, Bro, that's the craziest word.

Yeah.

I think it's It was just reporting, but you can say reportage. But that was crazy. It was very much like...

The coverage on Gardini's pie, there was good reportage. The reportage was nice. It was in the Harold. It was in the Austin Harold. I caught one of it over my morning coffee. I went...

Well, you don't say.

He's going to have butt babies.

Dude, there was one line from that roundtable that cracked me up. They were talking about how Getting news through our phone and being addicted to our phones, blah, blah, blah. At one point, someone was like, Maybe things going viral is making us sick. I was like, Fuck, man.

That sucks. That fucking blows, dude.

It was a big... I was just jumping across from Smarty Pants YouTube. I forget which one.

They need a belly slap.

It was just a big belly slap.

Hard belly slap for that.

It was just intellectual YouTube, and it was making me laugh so hard just watching people because Eventually, it's like, some of that stuff sounds good, but then you lose the thread after a while. Then all of a sudden, nobody knows what anyone's talking about. Hold on, let's try to reel that in so we can really get granular in this, and it's really funny. I don't think they really resolved much at all. That was the one thing that-They never fucking do.

No, but-I watch all these. I listen to it.

The thing that kills me is the Kimmel thing is like, well, we're living in a fascist dictatorship that was taking Kimmel's job away for free speech. We're like, Yeah, obviously, don't take Kimmel's job away. But if just one of those New York Times journalists can be like, Well, that does remind us when we were being gigantic cocksuckers for seven fucking years, taking jobs from people because of things they said. You never hear them once. Be like, Yeah, we were on that bullshit for a while. That's all you got to do. And be like, okay, cool.

We're back to normal. Yeah, it would be nice, again, if one side just wasn't a hypocrite once.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, dude, fucking T-Dog needs to chill.

What a fucking idiot. Why, dude? Why would you do that? That was one that... He's done stuff before where I'm like, You can't really... That one sucks. This one was like, Dude, this sucks so bad.

Especially in the year, one AK.

Especially AK.

You can't do the year.

You can't do exactly what you were mad that they were doing. For real, I was just thinking about it. It'd be like if Obama tweeted after Charlie Kirk died. Yeah, we'll fucking Goodridden some fucking sack of shit. I know.

What we're learning is people need to let go of their beefs. People need to let go of their beefs, man. Yeah. Can't be out here. The only long term beef that I hold down is 50 seconds can continue beefing with whoever he wants because it is pretty fun watching his documentaries. Although here's the thing, though, if this is a massive commercial success, who's next? Because he's going to want to strike twice. Because the Shannon Sharp documentary, obviously, we've seen the T might be the new oil. We don't have to drill for oil. We just need the T right now.

You're exactly right.

I think the T, the Shannon Sharp documentary, I mean, his stock, flew up.

Was he in the documentary?

Well, no, he brought Cat on. Cat's build the tea. That was like a $24 million ordeal. There's so many people going, 50. You have any more tea? There's going to be some prospectors.

They're going to need the tea.

Some prospectors going around Harlem Way, going, I heard some tea in here.

There is tea. There's some tea around. Yeah, you're right. Harlem Way, there is a lot of tea up there. That's tea country. That is.

Or BK, even in BK.

Yeah.

Get some good tea, get some tea going.

Bk. Buggie down. Buggie down, bro.

There could be some tea that way. But that's a major... Dude, that's like... That thing is going to be number one. Ravefeinewelt, Ravefeinewelt, Schweizer Käse, Trüffeltraum, mild würzig, je 150 Gramm Packung, nur 3,49 Euro. Oder Ravefeinewelt, Italienischer prosciutto, Rave, dein Markt.

Yeah. We got to go ahead and get some tea. Sean, we need you to get some tea. Can you hear any rumblings?

Yeah, you guys haven't ever given us any fucking tea.

I'm trying to fucking survive out here, dude.

Our podcast is we're falling. We're failing right now because we don't ever spill any good tea.

I haven't heard any good tea.

We need to openly gossip about our peers. Sorry. You have no tea.

No tea over here. Nothing scandalous.

Nothing scandalous at all in the awesome comedy scene.

You broke the story about my boat babies. That's a GCC.

Well, that's a big one. That's going to hit the web.

True. That could rocket us back up.

Tmz could be covering that.

Do you have any pictures? No.

You didn't get a sonogram? The T. M. Z. People are going to be gossiping around the cubicle. The guy with his big ass coffee is going to be like, Did you see what came out of Austin this week? Yeah, I think he's going to have some butt babies. Fuck them. Fuck them, dude. How dare they talk about our butt babies live on T. M. Z.

I know, dude. It's a personal thing. Just reaching out from T. M. Z. To follow up on this butt baby story.

I heard some rumblings about a butt baby being born at a water park in Texas.

Your flaccid penis went up your ass, then you flipped over on your belly and smacked it in further. Is this true?

You must have been slightly hard to get through all that hair. You got a nice net, a butt net.

This is the tea on Sean. I heard his head gets hard first. I heard his head gets rich. He gets the bowling pin. It works his way down. He's got jelly on the bottom. The old bowling pin straight to his own butt at the water park, trying to show off for the kids.

Hey, everyone, watch this slide. Oh.

It took a bowling pin.

A bowling pin right to the keystone.

Nate, what do you think about that?

No comment. I got no comment.

You ever hurt yourself on the worst side?

This is good podcasting. No comment. Thank you. Thank you for your help.

I got no comment about yourself's butt, baby.

We're doing all the heavy lifting. It's just all because of the waterfront.

It's fucking cloudy out. We're all sleepy. Come on, man. I can't talk butt stuff. It's a gloomy day. We should all be cuddled up watching a movie.

Why can't you talk butt stuff? We evenWhat are you talking about?

I can't talk butt stuff.

Why not?

Drastic butt stuff.

People are going to think you're aligned with Ditty, bro.

If you go-Oh, yeah. We can talk butt stuff. No, I can't talk butt stuff. Yes, we can.

Yes.

Well, somebody in this group got fingered recently in their butt by a guy.

Hold up.

Yeah, he had a fucking, probably a hemroid and flicked out and went to the urgent care and just got fingered, and they sent him home. So much blood. He shit blood.

Who fangered you?

It's a guy. You know his name.

I don't remember his name.

What do you look like? What do you look like? I didn't want to... What do you look like?

It's a guy. It's just a guy.

It's just a man. Did you get a finger out of an urgent care?

Yes. 200 bucks. Bro.

Paid 200.

He made his girlfriend leave the room. He said, Honey, you can't see this. That was your first time. Excuse me, your fiancé.

I would have had her hold my hand, bro. That's crazy. You had to touch a girl. If someone's going up your butt, you got to touch a girl to keep your gayness. That's true.

It's like a lightening around for gayness. That is true.

That was our first time her in the doctor's office with me. That was the first time when I got here.

That's what they're for, dude. They're for fucking stand there while you're your butt figure by a doctor.

I could never see me like that.

You're never going to beat the allegations, dude. You paid 200 bucks to get a finger to a fucking urgent care. Why would you ever get a finger to an urgent care?

What did they even determine by finger in your butt?

Nothing. He said I was all right.

He said, My butt. He said, I was-He fucking check the oil. He was like, We got it just because you bled a lot out of your butt. You seem fine, but-Depends you had your period, you went to the doctor and your finger showed. It was my first period. I didn't know what to do.

I panicked. They gave him a vibrator. He went to an old doctor. He came from his butt finger.

I had my period for four days, and I was like, This is too long. This is a problem.

How did he... I guess he luvied himself up. Yeah.

He gloved up. He lubed up.

I heard the glove. And then he came and met me at the bar. I think it was on my birthday. It was It was a nice celebration. Then he came to the bar with lube fresh in his butt.

I did not have lube fresh in my butt.

You were in the same outfit you wore earlier that day, which means you did not shower. You did not shower.

I didn't shower, but I washed up. I washed up. I didn't have I washed up. I hit the hot spots. I hit my balls. I hit my ass. I hit my ondol.

Why would you not get in the shower for that?

Because we were going to meet you and celebrate your birthday.

Sounds like you could use your shower, Stinky.

We were celebrating your birthday, and then we had to leave early to go do spots. I was maximizing my time with my friend. I'm sorry.

You just got the lube out of your butt. I didn't get the lube out of my butt. So you hit it. Cleaned up. It was standard drill.

The doctor said, yeah.

Standard drill.

The doctor threw a towel on you. You said, Clean yourself up.

You bathed like a hooker It was like a gas station bathroom?

Yeah.

I paid them in cash.

Just washed your ass in the sink.

Oh, man. Then you came in through darts with us.

She went off to Shane's birthday like, What's up, hon? How are you doing?

You still have lube in your butt.

I told you. I was like, here, I'm going to tell my friend in confidence. Second, I did it, I was like, mistake.

Why don't you ever tell me that? That's what Sean said.

He was like, You messed up. I was like...

He walked away and I was like, Dude, why would you talk to him?

It was a nice birthday gift. That's what I thought.

I do appreciate it.

That was a good laugh for your birthday.

Yeah.

The The whole time you all were coming at Sean about his butt, baby, I was sitting here quiet.

You were quiet as a mouse, bro. I didn't even think about it. I forgot entirely about it.

I knew you forgot about it. I was like, Thank God.

Thank God I remembered.

You all went for me, and I was like, I can't.

You could have jumped in. I would have I would have known why you were being so bashful.

But then I could have triggered Sean to turn on me. He would have had that.

Yeah, true.

You think I got a butt, baby? You would never. You lie, dude. You're a nasty little fucker. If we got some brown liquor out here, you'd fucking spill Roll the beans immediately. I was eating at the Noxus yesterday. You told the crowd at the Noxus, you got fingers? Nobody liked it. No, nobody liked it.

He gave me no choice. I tried to do a set about it that night. It was probably the worst set I've had in a while. I'll get it for a finger.

Yeah, I'll get a finger. You got to keep going. That's so funny. Got to talk about it forever. You should open and close with it every time. I should rebrand around it.

After we were all up at the Noxus talking about it, I went up to do my set, I was like, I just need to know that you all aren't thinking me with a finger in my ass. And then somebody went, Well, I wasn't.

How many seconds were you talking?

Had to be three, but it felt like 20.

Three seconds? No way.

I think it was five.

He definitely wasn't. What the fuck supported that? They're just going I think it was five.

No, you got in there, checked your butt walls.

What was it? You just checking for a hemorrhid? Clearly, you have a fucking hemorrhid.

I think any mass. He was like, We just got to check for it. That's what he said. We said we got to check for a mass. And then he was like, If it keeps bleeding, we'll get you to a-Serious question.

Did it jump a little?

No. That's a good question.

It didn't move at all.

Dude, I went and got a massage recently, and when I had my thunderclap headache, Brittany was like, Just go get a massage, because it's like, up here, it was real tense. So I went. First of all, she's trying to talk me into, she should really try a male therapist. I was like, no, she's not doing it. A therapist? Or a massage.

Oh, I was like, wait. No. No. No.

That'd be sick, actually.

Yeah. You'd be Tony Soprano.

I was doing deadlifts, and I was doing sumo squats. No, I got a... So I went, I was like, no, I'm not. She's like, I'm telling you, you should just try. Why are you so worried about it? And I was like, Brittany, if I get a male massage person, and I even start to get hard, I have to leave the whole family. I'm going to come home and be like, Guys, I'm gay now. I took the test. Turns out I'm actually gay, and I'm leaving this family.

You got to move up Harlem way. You got to spill a tea. You got to go up there and spill a tea immediately. True. Nate, you're going to have to join Badboy. Dr. Diddy. Got you. I got Diddy.

I got Diddy. I got Diddy on your birthday. I think you did.

You did get Diddy on my birthday. Maybe I set that up.

Start on Nate Dog Marshall. Yeah.

I know. We got to think of a good nickname for him.

He might just be Butter now.

True. You are the butter man.

The man with his fingers.

She had that buttery little biscuit.

He does have butter. I think the doctor used butter as a loom. Buttered it. You got the peanut butter loom.

Buttered is better than not buttered. He ain't going to go over.

Why are you flexing your penis while you're talking? God, you see That was crazy. I mean, butter is better than not butter. Flexing his dog head. He's jumping. Nate. I wish I'd died. We don't have too many topics right now. We're just going to call you guys gay for an episode.

We're done.

We got an hour. It's a good hour. That was a great hour. That was one of our better ones. That was. That was a rainy day masterpiece. I mean, it's just a rainy day. There's nothing we can do about it. All you can do during a rainy day is either cuddle up with a good book, or you can sit around with your buddies and call two guys butt boys. Nate, what were your thoughts when it happened?

It was obviously funny that it was about to happen. I guess. As soon as I knew that, I was like, All right, this is about to happen to me. It was hilarious, especially like I've been zesty online for a good couple of months now, and it's like, I can't.

I think, again, I've talked about it before. I got my balls sonogrammed. Yeah. That's by a guy. I'll never forget, he's wearing a Steeler's Cap.

Steeler's cap is so funny.

Nurse with a Steeler's Cap. Putting jelly on my nuts. Warm, too, wasn't it? It wasn't very warm. It was chilly.

Chili? That's good on him.

Yeah, he wanted to shrink everything, and it worked. Yeah. Doctor. This isn't what it usually looks like.

Yeah, you can't be giving him the warm jelly.

But I was laughing during that.

You said he was no, he wasn't laughing at all.

He did not think it was funny. But if I got butt-fingered, I would laugh. You're allowed to laugh.

Did you hold your breath?

I don't remember.

No, he went... He tried to hold his breath, but the air escaped him.

So your babe She literally left the room?

I made her leave. She would have had to be looking... I can't have her have that vision.

Staring down the barrel.

Yeah, she literally was sick when-Yeah, you can't let her see that.

When she left and it was just you and the doctor, and then his finger was in your butt, you should have went, She hits me. You're allowed to open up to the doctor and tell him about that.

He did ask if I... Before him, he was like, Could the bleeding be from... He was like, Butt stuff. And then I just looked at her and went-It's an urgent care.

They're not using the best terminology. Butt stuff. Is he like, Fuck you, butt stuff? He said butt stuff? He said butt stuff. We're going to see him coming back to that urgent care. We're going to drive past. He's going to be in a trench coat and blind guy glasses walking out. Like a massage parlor. Yeah. Another 200 bucks down the drain. He'll go broke in urgent care.

So he asked you, what's your response? You looked at your wife and said, ask her.

I said yes. I just said yes because I thought it'd be funny to just come out like I'm gay in front of my lady in the darkness. Then I was like, Obviously, no, I haven't.

What did he say? He laughed.

How did he bend you over? Did you stand and lean over the table?

Or did he hold it on the floor?

I stood up straight, flexed. No, really.

No.

Yeah. No, You don't get on all fours on the table. No, you don't get on all fours. I don't know what you do. I don't get on all fours.

I don't know what you do. I don't get on the ground. You guys hopped out on it.

I'm just early. You all are going to get there.

I have a refresher.

I'm going to get a colonoscopy. It's going to be crazy. Yeah.

If I die-Just say it. Elbows on the... I had to put my elbows.

Chin on your fist.

He instructed you, right? He said, Put your elbows on the table and bend over.

That is 100% what happened. He was like, You got to put your elbows on the table. He didn't say bend over, but he was like, You got to put your elbows on the... And then that was... Damn. That's all right. I found that I wasn't dying.

That's good.

I could be dying.

Probably never felt more alive, honestly.

It's liberating. Straight to the bar, first words. First words out of his mouth. He was so excited to tell me. No. Right when he walked in the bar, he was like, Oh, my God. I got to tell you what happened to me today. It took about-I had the wildest experience.

I held on to it for 10 minutes, but it was all I was thinking about.

I couldn't get the beans getting spilled.

That is a great birthday gift, though, to be honest. That's a fantastic birthday gift. Yeah, I'm turning 40 January. It's a matter I'm getting fingered.

Yeah.

Whole squad is getting fingered.

Yeah, I might have to go early on that. Yeah. Because this has been out of control. I wonder why they just took spill the beans and made it spill the tea. Why is that acceptable? It's beans, dude. It is the beans. It's beans.

But I think there was all that drinking tea when something...

It's still eating beans. True. That's why they spill the beans. You go, What? And the beans fall off your spoon. When you spilled the beans.

I think you're completely right.

You spilled the beans.

Hold on now.

Fuck, I spilled my beans. But tell me about your finger. I got to get some beans.

I peeped your pantry the other day.

I got some beans. I'm going to make those beans when you leave.

That'd be nice.

Yeah.

That keeps the butt doctor away, by the way.

That was a whole fucking bunch of beans for lunch.

I might fucking scare shit on the doctor. Just eat a ton of beans. As soon as he touch me, he'll go... Just let like a one foot around.

He's going to clog it, though. He's going to go, No, no, no.

He's going to cut it.

He's going to hit the sawmill. Hit the buzz song. All right, this is maybe one of our worst podcast. He's talking about poop and buzz. Oh, no.

Oh, fuck. Well, join us for the Patreon.

We're going to get serious. Yeah, true. It's time to talk politics on the Patreon. It's time to give you the real deal. Me and Matt both know exactly what's going on in the world. We'll give you our takes. Damn, you got the danger.

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