Transcript of Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)

The Wild Wild West.

Maybe I'm allergic to alternaria.

Fucking bullshit.

All right. A. Fucking alternaria. I hope it's not alternaria. I don't even know what that is.

Do you know dust mites? When you're allergic to dust mites, you're actually allergic to their poop.

That's what gets you, their poop. Never would have even considered their poop.

Not me either. I actually have a dust mite allergy, and it's the fuck I was breathing in their poop that was getting me.

I didn't know bugs pooped.

Yeah, they fucking poop. Everything, everybody poops, bro.

They eat. They do eat.

Yeah, they eat to poop. Now, what were you saying about Trump? Old liberal ass of US, motherfucker.

I'm trying to be peaceful. He brought a piece to the Middle East, dude. You got to give the man his props.

He's hot dogging, dude. He's hot dogging right now?

Are you seeing him at all? I saw the articles. I haven't seen his talks. He's a hot dog. I saw him call that lady beautiful.

That was part of his victory lap. He's hot dogging, dude. He's like, What's up? We got a bad bitch behind me. If you don't mind me saying you're a bad bitch anyway. Suck my dick, everybody. I knew I could do it. And every other world leader is like, Fuck it.

Yeah, he did it. He did it. I always said before, that'd be nice if we just tricked all the billionaires into being like, Dude, you know who's the best? If you really, truly give away a billion bucks, you're the man. They're like, I'll fucking do that. Trump being like, You won't bring peace to the middle of this, you pussy. He's like, Watch me, bitch. For real. It's nice.

Yeah, he's Also, he's putting out great clips this week.

I mean, yeah.

He's feeling good. The media is on it. They're like, We got to give you credit for this. And he's like, yeah, that's what the fuck I thought. But there's one they were like... Because he had mentioned before about if he can do this, he might be able to get into heaven. Did you hear that one? No. There was a reporter this time on Air Force One. He was like, Do you think you're going to get into heaven now? And he was like, No, I don't think I'm ever getting into heaven. But... Dang.

It's just a beast.

That's so funny. He's like, I don't think I'm ever going to get into heaven, but I'm just going to try to help as many people as I can. It was like, Don, you have no idea how Christlike that actually was. Yeah, true. That's the actual message, brother. You accidentally stumbled upon the real message. Damn.

How many people have Christ deported? What? How many people has Christ deported?

A bunch of Jews at the temple. When he was mad, yeah.

That one time.

Per capita, he deported a lot.

You can't even give him his flowers for 10 seconds.

I gave him his flowers. I'll be giving him his flowers all week. But it's all right. Bring the government back.

How do you feel about the National Garden?

Didn't the Dems shut it down?

No. The Dems can't shut it down. What do you mean? They don't have enough power to shut down the government.

It's a pub shut down.

Is it a pub shut down?

The pub controls every... They still control all the seats.

It shuts down constantly.

Everyone's like, The government shut down, and nobody cares.

It's like, Because it shut 50 fucking times. It never affects shit because I don't work for the government. If I work for the government, I'd be like, Fuck, my job's closed right now. I don't work for the government. So nice. So when it shuts down, I'm like, What? Am I not going to get parking tickets? Good. I don't care if the government shuts down. Sorry.

I'll tell you, when it does affect me is when there's no flyover at the Oklahoma, Texas game. Okay, that's fucking bullshit. And there was supposed to be a flyover at the Notre Dame game. That's fucking bullshit. I think F-35s. I was excited They for real canceled it because of the government shutdown? Government shutdown, no flyovers. I think somebody said that. Trump? Trump?

Explain yourself.

Fucking Middle East, dude. Give me some flyovers.

Can we have flown one plane to the Middle East and over the stadium?

Can you see if I'm right about the government shutdown affecting my college football flyovers?

Nate was so high for that, too.

He was waiting for it. There's nothing better.

I'm sorry, for real. I'm really sorry. That's Bullshit. Oh, yeah. Janks.

Government shutdown takes away flyovers? We can't have this.

Yes, it can affect military flyovers at sporting events.

Did Chuck Schumer have anything to do with this shutdown?

I looked that up, too. This says it was... They basically blame both parties on this one, but it goes back and forth.

If that was a liberal rag, I'm sure it just means it was the left.

You can't blame the Dems. They don't have enough Well, they motioned for something in Congress, and then that led to a shutdown, and the Repubs did the same thing.

So it was like...

You know what we're confidently forgetting about? The List. He brought peace to the Middle East, and we forget about the damn List.

Yeah, I mean, dude, it's still bad, although it's good he brought peace to the Middle East. It's withstanding.

The scales of justice are tipping in his side.

You got a little 6-7 there. That's how old the kids were.

At what point do you say, Fuck, man. All right. Well, never. We'll erase you off there. We'll let you erase yourself off there.

I still need the list, but shout out to peace in the Middle East for now.

Shout out to peace, yeah.

Bill Clinton came out. It was like, nice. Nice work. And Trump was like, Bill's the man. That's so sick. Not a good thing to say during the fucking list.

I don't want to send his wife to jail anymore.

Dude, yeah. I know a lot of the people. I don't even know what it's called. His DOJ or the DOJ have been getting press because they're alleging that someone, the Trump administration basically was like, let me know if my name comes up in that thing. And they'll ask them point blank, and they'll be like, I'm not playing these stupid games with you guys. Cash Mujal, you guys can play games all day. What about the fucking crime in the cities of Democrat mayors? How about that? Honestly, it's like talking to my dad. Just answer the question.

Go home, you go, Dad, Trump's a fucking pervert. Yeah? All right. Why don't you go hang out in Chicago? Tell me how that goes. Fucking Democrat bullshit.

My brother has been calling my parents Dems. It's been pissing them off. Just have a cleaning lady from Ecuador.

They're a cleaning lady?

Oh, no. He goes, Dude, how about you get some fucking Americans in here? Because they're busting his balls about shit. He goes, You guys are fucking Dems, man. Classy. Oh, you You think I'm a fucking dem? My dad gets so mad.

Dem is insulting. It kills them, dude. That kid at Florida State said, I looked like I voted for Biden a while ago, and it's stuck with me. Yeah. It's been four years. I was trying to parallel. Yeah, it was a killer insult. He was on a balcony, bro. The what? He was a frat kid from Florida State on a balcony, and he yelled down at us.

I got demed by a tow truck driver, which at least is a little better. But I was trying to parallel park, and it wasn't fast enough for me. He was like, Drive like a fucking Democrat, and zoomed off, and I was like, I got to be honest.

Damn. Toe truck. A working collar or a blue collar man, that hurts. It hurt me, man. I had just a pussy frat kid.

That's what I'm saying. You could take that. Although that hurts even more.

Yeah, it hurts more, too.

Then you're like, I'm a tow truck driver. I was like, You got me, bro.

You're lucky, I'll come up there and beat your ass.

I'm terrible. Do you ever go get your car back from one of those places? It's all just tinted out glass.

It's a junkyard by the fucking river.

Yeah, there's just guys on meth fucking fighting over junk cars. I'm like, You guys, whatever you say, yes, sir. College kid, you would kick it around being like, I should have fucking punched him in his fucking-Yeah, but he was at a party up on a balcony.

It's like, dude, what do you want me? I'll come up there and get my ass kicked by 20 hot guys.

You should have thrown something. Throw something after. It's too high.

You would have been short. You would have missed. It would have been short. It would have been like classic Biden voter. It would have been short.

Forget it. That would have been brutal, dude. Way worse. Just having a beer bottle fall down back towards you. Like, 20 feet in the air, max.

Slips out the back of your head. It looked like a Kirkering from the Philly's trying to get it home. It's just a girl throw for no reason. It's an MLB pitcher. Why did it look like a girl throw.

Damn, dude, that was a tough Philly week. Yeah.

That sucked.

Yeah.

But that Longhorn sooner game was very fun.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, You guys are Longhorn fans now?

Yeah.

Shout out Arch. You got to pick a college team eventually.

Yeah, I think I can't go two.

I can't go Bama and Longhorn. You can't go Bama. Bama was fun. That's such a bitch move.

Are they both in the SEC, though? Yeah. You got to pick one. Same division.

You guys hate me, dude. Bama is a crazy pick. My real friend's picked Notre Dame.

How they do this week, by the way?

They're still rolling, bro. They're wanting. This is a big one this week, though. Usa. The Trojans. The Trojans are coming to town.

I don't like the Irish guy.

What?

I like their logo.

I don't like their logo.

I said, All-time classic logo. Everybody likes the logo.

I'll be honest, that makes it a little tough for me, too.

The Fighting Irish. I got to say, Go Irish all the time.

So you picked the two most racist schools? Notre Dame beat up the clan and marched with Dr. King. Come on, man. Side by side, arms locked with Dr. King.

Yeah, but do they have Bevo? You guys got a Bevo?

No, we did have a little tiny dog named Clashmore Mike, who used to rock.

Clashmore Mike.

Clashmore Mike. That's pretty awesome. We got to bring back Clashmore Mike.

Bring them back. I don't know how there's still so much to learn about Notre Dame. I thought I knew all the stuff. I didn't know they had a tiny dog named Clashmore Mike.

It's as old as the country. Really? I mean, 100 years later. Yeah, true. It's fucking from the 1800s. Dang. Yeah, there's a lot of history.

Damn, so they were pre-existed football. They were there before football. That's crazy.

Yeah.

What the hell?

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Alabama, that's a crazy pick, bro.

Yeah, and they were the best in the world at the time.

Well, that's the real reason why I don't want to do it. The only reason I picked them, I don't follow college at all, but we went to two Baylor games, and they were... I mean, it was hype as hell.

It was a good time.

That makes sense. But yesterday, not yesterday, Saturday was just as good, though. I can't.

I was trying very hard not to pick aside, but that punt return, and then they were like, Fire the cannon. I got to fire the cannon after the-Who let you fire the cannon? All of them. What? Every single-Fired it for the game? Fired it for the countdown. And then Governor Abbott came over.

What was the gov up to?

The gov was chilling, dude. That's what's up. I don't know any of his policies other than I said, Give me back my porn.

You know what he That was noble. They tried to nix the THC farm bill thing, and it came up to him, and he was like, No.

Dude, his security had to pull me off him. I grabbed him by his scruff. I said, You better give me back my-Give me my fucking porn. Give me my bar. Give me my bar. And they pulled me out.

Just give me one site.

Six guys were pulling me. I was like, Get the fuck off me.

Give me the hub.

Give me back my hub. I'm tired of going on X videos and seeing the weirdest shit I've ever seen. I'm so sick of it, dude.

I don't want to see any more Brazilians in a warehouse.

They're making It's made it so much worse.

What? Going on X more?

Having to go to X videos or whatever the other. You got to find the shadiest...

Yeah, you're in the speakeies.

It's Prohibition. It's like out long abortion, TBH. You have a wirehanger in your butt. Now I'm in a fucking alley. Now, I'm dealing with shady customers. You're in a hotel. I'm not lying, dude. I think they toss CP in the thumbnail sometimes. What? I swear. You fly past it.

I do think there's way more CP on just all the sites than anyone likes to admit because they skirt the edge.

I don't think I saw it on the hub.

Dude, they skirt the edge. I was searching. I remember I was off for a while, and then months ago, it was like, I don't know, but I went on the hub, and it was like, they were hitting me with the youngest, and I was like, Bro, this is so fucking close.

I know. The Young Babes.

Yeah, dude. You're talking barely legal. That's a genre.

Yeah, but it was the main feed, and it was... I was like, Dude, this looks like... Maybe I was getting older, but I'm like, Dang, hub, what the hell are you doing?

I don't like how white pornhub is. They're top videos are always white ladies.

It's because there's a lot of white people.

There are finally some Common Ground, dude. I had the same complaint. It's worth being honest, man.

I have to be honest. It is all white ladies, but a lot of black fellows are sneaking in there. A little overrepresented.

Every time there's a porn with one white lady, there's four black guys. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand why does she need a yard of dick.

It's not every time. That's your algo, bro. Huh? That's just your algo. That's just your algo, bro. She's lost. You got into lost in the hood? Yeah.

My daddy drive me off in the wrong neighborhood.

I saw a video recently of a guy talking about... It was just like anunk in a car getting filmed, just talking about the rules for partying on a chick, which is just running a train. Dude, it was like, never mention another man's hook, no matter what. Don't even look at another man's hook. Condoms hooks?

Yeah.

Nice. It's really nice. One time, my friend, someone said he was there partying on a babe, and he said his friend grabbed her head because a friend was hitting from behind, and he was getting head, and the friend grabbed her head and was pushing for her, and he goes, What the hell? He's like, How to get the hill up out of there? That was the weirdest shit in the world. It was like, he was doing it. The guy was like, What about that one time? He goes, I told you that in confidence. I don't want to talk about the friend pushing the back of the head. Yeah, there's rules for partying on a bitch.

Yeah.

I love the term partying on a bitch.

Partying on a bitch is crazy. As a big 3/6 Mafia fan, it's almost every single song. Every single. The whole the chorus can be the most uplifting. You got to change your life, get your money right. You can do anything. And then it goes straight to a verse of me and my boys partied on a bitch. Two in the front, three in the back. Everybody jizzing on a bitch. You're like, All right. Changes the whole song.

I don't know. Maybe it's one of those things, don't knock until you try it. It could be the ultimate bonding experience.

That's how me and my boys, we got all of our... We always partied on a bitch at the beginning. Handjobs, fingering, both partied on a bitch.

Just third base partying?

Yeah.

That's nice. Third base partying is actually very chill.

Never a sexual intercourse partying.

You didn't bust out your hooks.

No, I mean, technically, the hooks were out for the Hj's, but it was dark.

The Hj's. It was dark. Did you grab a wrist and just...

We partied. Yeah, I helped my boy out.

Told you I didn't want to talk about this. Dude, speaking of Powerful Black Man, I saw T-Pane at ACL.

I saw some videos of his dancing. It looked very nice.

Dude, he is an absolute master of the craft. He came out. First of all, I was planning on eating some mushrooms and going there, and then I was sending feelers out. Everyone was like, Man, I'm on that. So I was like, I'll take a micro, a little bit, like a little microdose. But then I piged on edibles. Dude, I forgot when you combine those things, it fucking warps you. I was going through security, and it hit me in the Uber, and I'm just sitting there just like, oh, I don't know. Everyone was talking to me, and they're like, Yeah, this one. And I couldn't make... I could get three words at a time. And I kept being like, . I was just keeping it cool as I ate them before everybody else.

I've seen you high as shit. You do keep it cool.

I kept it cool. I kept it... I was on the fucking LsD, brother.

The worst is over. We're fine now. You've been in the Uber for three minutes.

I've a real kept it ice, man. I was sitting there.

You have to. If no one else No, it was high. I bet they were hitting the wine, though.

There was some wine. There was also I got back, and I had the edible, so I ate them first. So then I gave them out later. And I also was on the microdose from earlier, so they hit me fast. And I had I was drinking a wee drink, and I'm in the car. I'm just like, oh, shit, this is actually this might be a problem. And then we had to go through that line, and my fucking wristband didn't work. So I had to go to another place. I was just being carded from point to point. We had a park, we had to walk, get out of that line. I'm just going to checkpoint to checkpoint, all confused. Everything, it wasn't cool either. I didn't have any cool, fun thoughts. I was like a dog being high. I was just like, fuck, that's weird. Just looking around. And then my wristband And then I forgot. I was in line to get in. They're like, Oh, you have the rest of the edibles? We had people in there. And I was like, Oh, great. I didn't even know I ate all the edibles. I did have them in my pocket, so I just smuggled them in, which isn't a big deal.

But I was so high that I was like, All right, dude, be cool about this. And I go through and I get stuff out of my pockets. And I have a plastic bag in my back pocket. And the lady's like, Is everything out of your pockets? And I was like, Oh, yes, I believe so. And I smacked my pockets down. It's like a... You hear it. Literally, you hear a plastic Big bag, Squish. And I was like, Oh, shoot. And I had electrolyzed for some reason. They fell. And I was like, That's what I was looking for. And I put them in, just walked through. It was like I was smuggling in a pound of heroin.

Fucking three couple of milligrams. Tiny little gummies.

Then I got in there and all I had... I had a mule, just two chairs the whole time. So it was the only thing that kept me alive. Just had these two chairs and just walking through just a mass of people. Finally, dude, they were rocking chairs, folding rocking chairs. Dude, once I hit that chair, T-Pane came on. I just got to watch T-Pane in the rocking chair. That's awesome. Just completely incapacitated. He brought me to life. That guy brought me back to life.

I'd be such a whiny bitch if I had to do all that. I'd be furious. I'd be like, I'm never doing this again. There's 10 million people here. It's 100 degrees. It was nice. I saw a video of it, and I saw the crowd, and I was like, I will never, never.

During the day, we took the kids during the day. That was fucking hot. But it's called the Austin Kitty Limits, and they had a giant drum circle for the kids. Dude, I sat in on the drum circle. I might try to start those things off, dude. It was the best. Drum circles are the best, dude. I swear to God. Oh, they are. Dude, it's just like guys that are good, then you just get to do a little bit. And then you start to show off a little bit. When it works out, you're like, I might be the coolest guy. I swear to God, it's the best. My kids kept being like, We don't want to do this. I was like, Get over here now. And I was sitting there like, Come on, man, don't make me. Don't leave me here. In the kid drum circle. It was chill. Drum circles.

You were hitting some solos?

No, I wasn't picking out. I was just trying to just keep the rhythm. I give a little flair every now and again. But there was guys that were real percussionists.

Give a little flair, wink at one of the kids, be like, You like that shit? Where's your little bitch ass He's dead. Can't draw him like this.

Not a big deal. But now, T-Pane for real. Master, bro.

Yeah, he is.

Dude, he put in... It's like a real production. The whole thing, there's dance, he talks, he jokes, Yeah, he does.

He is funny.

Yeah, he's very funny. I say this respectfully, he's a fucking nerd. He's a giant nerd in heart, and I could tell.

Did he do Warpigs?

I was hoping he did. He did fucking Journey.

Oh, nice.

He talked for a while, too. He had some jokes in there. He humps, dude. He humps the air like crazy. Oh, nice. Bro, he fucking... He daggers up there. It's like time perfectly where the music's like, boom, boom, boom. He's just air humping as hard as he can. He complains about being out of breath the whole time.

It's really funny. Yeah, he was in a leather suit. I saw that. He must have been fucking dying.

That was amazing.

We went there and then caught that one killer song and then left. Killers lead out with their biggest hit, which is wild. Really? Start with the closer. Yeah, that got the place fucking bumping. But no, those chairs, man, Brittany kept trying to take one from me, and I'm like, Don't touch them. I was like, I need equal weight. Get off me, all right? It was like my one. I need a job. When I get that high, I need a task. Otherwise, I fucking freak out.

You just changed my life, though. I didn't know they had portable rocking chairs. Bro.

It was-That's good shit right there. It was funny. Everyone was with, and nobody really brought chairs. So I was like, just sit. Everyone was standing, and everyone's butt level, just like, Oh.

He did so fucking good. Dude, I didn't realize how good he was. That was literally all I did. It's like a genuine performance.

This is a real... He really thought this out. I like this. And then it finally broke. I remember I saw my It was 6: 00 PM. I went, All right, if this gets any worse, I'm fucked. But I have two hours. I just got to grin down. I got to bear down. I learned that Chicago's thing this weekend. Bear down. Oh, nice. Yeah, I just learned that. That's pretty sick. But you had to bear down big time in the rocking chair, and it was...

Instead of losing in the fourth, bearing down.

No, they won. Shit. They're doing all right. Fuck.

That was a good joke, though. I heard that was good.

No, it was good. They got to win. Yeah, that's a wonderful experience.

It was, man.

I was supposed to go. A couple of guys I know, the Bends, they were playing at 5: 30 on Sunday.

I must have just missed them.

Yeah, Saturday was a disaster. We got in the car. We had to leave at 7: 30 to get out there. 9: 59, Nate Marshall says, Let's have a beer. I say, Fellas, it's going to be a long one. 9: 59, hey?

Perfect timing.

It was a perfect time. It was. That set us up for 14 hours of drinking.

Was there any hugers involved to keep the thing going?

That was on the way back. That was when the sprinter van on the way home. We were all going, I'm a little sleepy.

There's the only one way you can drink for 14 hours.

Amphetamines. We hit the Bucks, too. The users. The Beezers.

Dude, the Beezer article you sent me. Favorite thing I've ever seen. It was great.

Who is the Beezer? Who is the Beezer? There's some AI article about Kyla. They're like, Is Kyla Fox married? It's like, she's rumored to be dating a man named the Beezer. Whoever that is. Who is The Beezer? This mysterious man. Oh my God. But now the game was fucking sick. I had a nice We were down on the field at the beginning, which was very sick, except it was 150 degrees. So it was like, Man, we got to get into that suite. Thank God we had a suite because it was hot as fuck out there. Get in there. I'm pretty sure I see Baker Mayfield, legendary Oklahoma quarterback. So I say, He must be him. I didn't even think, Oh, he's got a game tomorrow. What? He had a game Sunday. Obviously, it's not him. So I walk over. I walk over this dude, and while I'm walking, I'm like, Obviously, that's not Baker. Maybe I can see him now. So I just walk over this group of people, and I'm like, Hey, how are you? Just wanted to say hi. We're in the suite together. Just want to have a good day. How about that?

Just walked away. That guy's nice.

Do you ever have a thing where you think someone's saying hi to you because they recognize you, but they're not? Yeah. That's happened to me before. It's very embarrassing where a guy will say something, I have headphones in, I'll be like, Hey, Hey, how are you? And they're like, Hey, what the fuck? And I'm like, Oh, shit. My bad. Sorry about that. I thought you were my friend from the Internet, but you're not.

My bad. I contact with people walking on the street, and you're like, Yep. Yeah, it's me.

What the fuck are you?

What the fuck are you, dude? Fucking retarded guy that walks around my neighborhood. Yeah, dude, it's me. Get over it.

No autographs.

What do you want a picture or something?

Come It's like an old Indian couple. Yeah, get it in. All right.

Yeah, that happens.

It happened to be bad. I got almost starled, too, because I was like, I had headphones in. I heard someone say hello right next to me, and I was like, Hey, how are you doing? The guy was like, What the fuck? And I was like, Oh, shit.

The worst is when people come up and they act like you're actually friends. Yeah. You know what I mean? I got to like that. Where it's like, Hey, what's going on, man? How are you? You're like, What's going on with you, dude? I haven't seen you in forever. It's pure politeness. I'm like, Dude, how's everything going?

I was in line. I think it was last year. I was getting just at an outdoor brewery place, and I met someone in line. We had a long line. But the nice thing was we were able to talk. We were all on the same page. He started asking me questions. We just jumped into an immediate conversation, which was nice. Killed the line time. But it's funny how much you can talk to a dude who listens to the podcast. How's this? How's that? How's this? I'm like, Oh, dude.

I just assume it's somebody I met. I'm just like, this guy probably does comedy, or I probably met him. She's like, So how is everything? What's going on, man? I haven't seen you in so long.

I'm so fucking sad.

I'm all right.

Say your parents are alive. Good. Man. La Mair. I've been worried about that. What?

The parents' stuff. Yeah, dude. Every time I go home, they're older. Yeah. Come on.

It's tough, man.

If it exit velocity. The speed is only increasing, dude. They're launching.

It's got to be crazy, too, because I feel like black people don't age as fast. Once they start, it's like, dang. Once they start, it's a race. That shit happens.

It happens so fast.

Phil's not helping himself.

Yeah.

Hopefully, they don't watch this. They're trying to surprise me. They're going to Vegas this weekend. What the fuck is he doing going to Vegas? Partying down.

I know.

He's trying to surprise me. He still thinks I don't know. Oh, really? But my manager blew it. She was like, And you want extra room for Phil? Phil. I was like, Sure. I don't think he's coming, but Phil needs to chill. Yeah, he's fucking Vegas?

Yeah.

I know how it gets down, too. That's 4: 00 AM gambling.

Oh, no. I forgot he's got the bug.

He's got the bug. He's got both bugs. He's got both bugs. He's got the boos and gambling. The best bugs, no offense to anybody struggling with it.

Yeah, getting drunk. No, getting drunk and just gambling recklessly. I know it ruins people's lives sometimes, but it is fun when you're locked in on the table and you're getting brave.

He doesn't gamble recklessly at all. Yeah, he's good.

It could ruin your life or change your life. True.

And he's good at drinking. Yeah. He's got it down. Like A&M, when we went to the Notre Dame, Texas A&M game, he was the one that was... He was fine. I was like, Dad, it's late. We have to go home. He was like, Come on. Let me have a beer. Shut up.

What would he have said about that 9: 00 AM twist off?

He would have been right there.

Okay. But he's able to somehow pace himself.

Yeah, he would have paced. Got you.

I can't pace. I have a hard time pacing all day.

The problem with pacing all day is you start getting sleepy.

Yeah.

And you can either turn on the jets or call it a day. True. And you know me, dude.

If I do a long day drink, I lean on the weed real hard.

Pressing the nos.

I just get really...

If I'm getting like-So does anyone have any nos? Just a little bit of nos.

I do the opposite. I try to eat edibles If I'm getting drunk during the day, I end it with... Because I get real brave with the edibles when I'm drunk, and then I just end up on absolute Pluto.

That's a good way to leave, though. I can't be here anymore.

Yeah, that's how you end up with a... I'll rock it out. When I'm When I'm drunk, it just becomes... I feel like I'm in a video game at that point. That's how I ended up heckling a Boston Cemetery tour. Just stand outside, I'm like, Yo, let us in. It's just fucking bullshit. Me and my cousin heckled the Paul Revere tour in Boston It was pretty fun. We just got to stand outside. This is bullshit, guys. Everyone was like, What the fuck are you guys? There you guys. You're here for my podcast. Sorry about that.

Yeah, you guys probably know me.

Saw that last laugh, boss, in last year. I don't know if you guys recognize me from Laff.

You guys might recognize me from laugh, boss. Yeah, I featured for Soda here about four years ago. You guys probably remember that. Fucking killed.

I missed the bus.

Oh, yeah, Le Mair.

I missed the bus. You missed it?

I knew somebody in the group wasn't going to make it. The odds on favorite did miss the bus. The 7: 30 AM. What bus did you have to take? We took a Sprinter been doing from the game. Oh, dude.

Well, because the night before-He was just chasing it down with his lunchbox. The night before, I went to the creek and I had a hoot.

It was a huge mistake. 7: 30 AM?

It was 2: 00 in the morning. I was like, I'm going to stay up. An hour later, I was like, I'm going to sleep. And then I had a bunch of alarms.

You thought you could go no sleep?

I was going to go no sleep. That's crazy. Have you Have you done that? No. I was trying to make up the ultimate 72-hour buzz. I was trying to figure it out, but it didn't work.

You're missing crack cocaine. This is what you need. You can't just not sleep.

What are you talking Never mind. Usually, the idea for the all nighter comes from the Nass. True.

I wasn't on the NOS.

You got to make this draw, Rich.

Imagine to light his hair on fire on stage, dude. That's a great. You know he did that with rum?

You know when he did that, he was doing it with rum and cotton because he didn't want butane in his crack. Wait, what? He would dip cotton in some really high proof rum, and then he would like that, and then he would light that, and then he would light the crack pipe. And then he was high, and he was like, What the hell? Why am I even doing this? And he started pouring the rum on himself. He lit one more pipe, and then he went up in flames.

Damn, he self-immolated?

Yeah, dude. Richard prior was crazy as fuck.

I think it was an attempt. Dang. Yeah. I don't think you accidentally catch full body on fire.

Oh, he got his full bod?

Yeah, he was running down there. Wasn't he sprinting down the street? He was running down the street.

Luckily, that rum burns off fast.

Yeah. I don't know about skin dope.

I mean, it's hot. Yeah. When they do a cool drink at a bar, it's like, it doesn't have a staying power, but that still must have sucked. Yeah.

That's the dumbest shit ever. You're trying to burn yourself? No. Well, of course, that. But the drinks, the fire drinks?

I can't stand them.

Every time.

Who's doing it? When I see them from afar, they do look cool. When I was in Brazil-So many videos of people just going, flame throwing the guy next to him. When I was in Brazil, they did a thing where they lit alcohol on fire and trapped the smoke, and you could smoke the alcohol under the glass. It was sick. Did it work? I don't really... I was fucking shitface. I remember just being like, what the fuck? I'll have to try that again and report back. I'd imagine it. I think it tastes pretty bad. Yeah. Do you know what I just... Speaking of smoking, you know what I came across recently? What? Vapes for cigarettes. You stick a cigarette in a vape vape, and then you smoke the cig through a vape. It's fucking crazy. No, I think you can just rip anything through there. You probably know. Because I guess you don't get the nicotine juice. So it really tastes like a cig. It's just burning at a lower temperature, so you're not getting all the impurities. So they do it with weed. They burn, they find out what temperature nicotine burns off. So that way, you burn it off at just that temperature.

Wouldn't you inhale all the impurities eventually, if you finish the cigarette?

I don't think so. Where would it all go? Because they do it for weed. So THC burns off at whatever it is, like 250 degrees or 300 degrees. So the THC burns, but the plant material doesn't burn, and a lot of the impurities are in the plant material itself, not the nicotine. So you burn off at the... I don't know, whatever. I got you. Shit was crazy. I smoked on it. Really? Yeah, I tried to try it. I was like, I'm curious, but it's fucking weird.

Is it at ACL? Yeah. Somebody passed that gun. This is a healthy cigarette. I hope you're enjoying your Michelobultra.

I didn't want anything to do with it.

We're at 45 watching T-Pain.

We're like, Just try it.

We're going to smoke one cigarette as a group.

Dude, I was like, I don't really want this. And they were like, Just try it. I was like, Man, that's true. I should just try it. I took one drag of it. I'm like, That is a slightly less harsh cigarette. Still is a cig. It doesn't taste great at all. So, Sean, if you want to get healthy, a cigarette The tape is sick.

No, thank you.

Now you get a ton of pussy vaping a cigarette.

You know one of the cooler things you can do? What if you made it gay as fuck?

Slide it out of your leather jacket. Have you seen them?

They're really big in Europe. In Italy, I saw a bunch of them, but they're like tiny little nubs, and you put them in a machine, and you hit it like that. I wonder if it's the same.

That's exactly what it was. You slide the cig right in.

Those are different cigs, though, because I tried to smoke one of those cigs without just lighting it, and it was really, really, really bad.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't know. They were some Brits. They were some Brits who put me onto it. It's like a Europe thing. What do you got to do? A slim or a straight up vape cig? Maybe you got to roll your own.

No, it's like a special... Like a jewel pod, almost. But they look like cigarette butts. Got you. They have a little tobacco in them.

I could have sworn this was a full cigarette, bro.

It could be. I could be wrong.

I don't know. Yeah, maybe the technology has increased.

Innovation.

So, yeah, just look out for that.

It's something to look forward to. If you're on the look out for that, everyone's going to cross a vape cigarette.

It's coming for you. Certainly. You're going to go, I'm good. Try it. You go, Fuck, what the hell? Try it out. You go, Yeah, okay. Well, that's great.

Just go straight back to cigs. I should probably start smoking cigs.

Yeah. My brother Tom's fighting the cig demon right now.

I smoke cigs gay. That's my problem. What do you mean? My hand. I don't know how to It's very like... I'm not good at it.

You smoking like an old barfly?

Yeah.

Let me tell you something, honey.

I just smoked a cig in that movie I just did, and the guy was like, Don't hold it like that. Hold it like this. It's a lot cooler. Yeah. This is you. You hold it like this. I go, This is how I do it.

Yeah, like a fucking diplomat. You smoke cigarettes like a diplomat.

You're mad making decisions.

I think you're right about this is for cigs, this is for joints. Only a tryhard smokes How do you smoke cigs, Gardini? Yeah, that's a real cigarette smoker. You're right. You should have told that director to shut the fuck up.

He would have sent it back. I'll smoke another the fuck I wanted.

No, that's how it was. People were going nuts.

That's crazy. You, motherfucker. Shut the fuck out. That would make me so nervous. I'm already so nervous on any film thing. If someone's screaming, I'd be like, I'm going home. I'm not doing this. I can't deal with people screaming right now.

It was supposed to be a really cool scene.

You're not my dad.

It was very It was very hot out. It was going to be really... I hope it comes out nice. It was too hot. So we were just standing outside.

How many times you have to film smoking a cig?

Me and the cage, man. Together. Yeah, it was pretty sick. That's huge. But I was supposed to be smoking cigs, and I was... Yeah, cooler.

He's like, Cooler. Do it again. Cooler this time.

Cooler, and then you just keep having to smoke a new one because it was every take.

Guys, I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club, Buffalo, New York. Added a 4: 30 PM Saturday show. Please Come to that. Then Bricktown Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1024, 1025. Off the Hook Comedy Club, Naples, Florida, 117, 118. Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin. I'll be there at 1114. And Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse 1219. And it was that one, Missouri. That was that one.

It was a good room.

Out of biz, bro.

October 17th and 18th. This weekend, I'll be at Resorts World in Las Vegas. 17th and 18th, Las Vegas. November seventh, I'll be in San Francisco. November eighth, I'll be in Sacramento. What do you think of that, man? I'll be where the Kings play. I think. Oh, December fourth and fifth, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona, and Phoenix, Arizona. Hello. Get in front of the camera.

You got to hit the camera.

You got to get directly in front of the camera.

I just got to make sure the wires are... Oh, shoot.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, shoot.

There you go.

Come on, man. I'm coming.

I'm sorry.

This is big. No one's going to come if you don't get it right.

Hello. I'll be in Cincinnati on November 29th at the Comet. Please come to that if you can. And Optimum Noctus is next week and the first and third Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave. So please come. Tickets are at seangardini. Com.

Last time we meet is his nerd donks. Mogging us, dude. It'll be close to the camera. We'll get mog.

Please go.

All right.

Thank you.

Did you watch the Charlie Sheen Netflix thing?

I haven't. I heard it's great.

It's really great. There's a part about Nicolas Cage, where he goes to the front of a commercial plane, and he's like, Hey, everybody, this is your pilot speaking, and we're all going to die.

Nicolas Cage did that?

Apparently, he's apparently a bigger party monster than Sheen himself.

Cage is an animal.

I didn't know he was such a beast party, man. Yeah. Sheen, I think, from what I heard about the doc, Sheen tips his hat to Cage. He's like, Bro, you think I'm a motherfucker? He does. He does. He's a wire, man. You think I'm a motherfucker? Cage is that guy.

They had to wean Charlie Sheen off of cocaine Yeah, I heard how they did it.

It was pretty great.

Oh, yeah. The dealer kept giving him less and less.

Yeah. And he's like, This shit's not as good.

I don't even like this anymore.

What did he call himself? He was not No, an Adonis or something? Doesn't he call himself? He's like some mythological. He was saying he was like one of the knights Templar for the Catholic Church or something. Charlie Sheen? Yeah, he was smoking crack and being like, I'm basically one of the PayPal assassins. He's like dragonblood. He's like, Dragonblood. He's like, Dragonblood, Adonis. Tigerblood. Tigerblood. Tigerblood. Tigerblood. That's it. Yeah, Tigerblood. Winning. Winning.

Wasn't that from a pitcher?

Yeah, he said he heard a pitcher. He was on the phone with a pitcher, and a pitcher was telling him, You got Tigerblood, and nobody can stop you because we're winning.

Then he did an interview the next day, and that was just replaying in his head. Yeah, I mean, whatever drug makes you think you're a Knight's Templar, toss me some of that. Assemble the army.

That would be so funny, dude.

Saladin is marching on Kareq. Assemble the army.

My brother has told me he's been getting into just researching the world religions, and now he's on Islam, and he's like, Dude, my wife is cool. I had the Gita, I had the Bible on my night's end. As soon as I slapped down the Quran, all I'm getting is questions. She's like, What is that? What are you doing?

Yeah, as a baby, you got to be a little sauce there. Now, hold on a second.

She's shook, bro. Yeah.

I'm telling my girl. Quran is basically how to be a boss man. Yeah, for real.

It's how to boss up. It's literally his frame. It's like how to get frame. I was like, dude, you should go A full Muslim and just dominate your wife.

Full white Muslim?

Yeah, I was like, dude, you should you marry? I was like, Obviously, don't marry one of your cousins, but get as close as you can for the sister wife. That is such a boss move. To just have a wife and then be like, Yo, check it out. It's my other wife, and she's my cousin.

I'm not trying to be Islamophobic. I'm not. I'm not.

That's a real thing. I'm not. But I'm saying, for all the how to be a boss man type shit, you'd think their countries would be doing a little better.

They're ashamed. They just got peace.

I'm just saying. For all the shit talk I see them do, you think they'd be doing a little better?

No, they would probably appreciate you pulling them up as brothers and be like, Brother, what the hell? You've totally conquered the babes. You got to give them that. You guys have conquered the babes. But that's the problem. When you're conquering the babes that hard, it takes up so much of your energy. Yeah. Dude, imagine that. Being like, You know how long would it take me to fucking put a tablecloth on my wife? It would be a fucking four-hour discussion.

Yeah, you wouldn't get anything else done. That's your whole day. That's your whole week. That's 40 fights.

More power, too.

True. Nothing but respect for our Muslim brothers. For real.

But that's like, dude, she'd be like, I don't know. It's not form-fit. I'm like, Jesus, put the fuck on, man.

Get that goddamn fucking thing on.

Fuck.

You're going to be all right. There's peace now. We can make fun of them. There's peace. We can make fun of them again. There's peace.

I thought the variety... Yeah, these are the Powerful Soundings. They love jokes.

Powerful Saud. They do love jokes.

They love jokes. We also have to get off the Jews ass now, too.

What do you mean? No, they still get made fun of for a while for what happened. Yeah. Maybe not all the... Not the American Jews, but the... Yeah.

Yeah, the Israeli ones.

You don't just go, All right, peace. We're done. Everybody forget about that. Yeah.

Them in 10 years, we'll be back.

Yeah, we'll see, man.

That's the thing. It is sick that America gets to celebrate that piece. Yeah, it's nice. Even though we sold a lot of those weapons, we got it done, baby. Peace.

They get the credit. It is nice. They had to sell all the munitions and be like, Guys, let's be nice to each other, all right? This is over. I feel like America could just be just... We should just slide in a pure diplomacy. And arms, obviously, in arm selling. Sell arms and do diplomatic stuff. I'm trying to keep the American I'm making an exceptionalism dream alive, man. A lot of people are doubting in the country. It's like, knock it off, man.

I don't know.

Not this country, dude. You don't want to doubt us.

Hell, yeah, Lamair. You're a patriot again. I love this country. I thought you were Wolfie Goldberg.

I fucking love this country, dude. China got some cool stuff, but I fucking love this country.

I'm not buying the China hype, dude. You're going to piss me off of that shit.

Yeah.

I don't know, man. They got a spray that. They what? They got a spray that men's broken bones.

Yeah, this is all made up. I saw the glue. This is all made up.

Fucking glue, Lamair. We had glue a long time ago.

Yeah, we had glue This is all made up. Jesus Christ. You're getting all your China. I see the China facts. They're on Instagram. It's a meme on Instagram, and it goes, dude.

It's a fox with slanty eyes. China facts.

China is, dude. They're putting their servers at the bottom of the ocean to cool them. That's how smart they are.

They're making gravity batteries.

Yeah. Nothing's true.

They're making gravity batteries? Yeah.

So they can store all their energy and then just move the batteries, to a different thing. Please.

What does that mean? You saw one meme, and you think you can explain it. That's insane.

I watched a video. It was at least two minutes, and it's just a building. It's a big building.

What do they do? Put them in a three-litre soda bottle and then push them into water? We already had that technology, Lamar. I poked out of a Grohuca.

It's a way to move batteries around and store energy in an efficient manner.

Put them in a fucking freezer, dude. We already know this. It keeps batteries long as hell. My aunt and uncle did this.

I brought a pair of double A's back that way myself. I think you're right.

Yeah. Dude, I'm telling you, I'm not buying the China hype. Do they have the fucking minerals? Yeah, whatever. But we'll get them. Trust me. We'll get our hands on those. Trust me, Daddy.

We're going to get our hands on those minerals.

That's what I've seen my country do the whole time I've been alive, is be like, Guys, they're doing some bad stuff over there, and they go take their minerals.

It was crazy that China was like, Hey, Israel, stop that. Did you guys kill a bunch of Muslims?

Maybe.

I think they camped them up.

The Uyghurs, right? Yeah, they camped them up.

Yeah, they had a Uyghur camp.

If I can have child slaves shoes. They're like, You guys are... To Israel, they're like, You guys have atrocious humanitarian backgrounds.

China was like, Those kids should be working. Stop killing all those kids. You got to put them to fucking work. China was probably so confused.

We would have taken those fucking kids. God. Are those suicide nets a real thing in those factories?

I think so. At Foxconn, they were the one that was the place I was making the iPhones, but that's also videos I saw.

Yeah. Suicide nets is crazy, bro.

So crazy.

That'd be nice. I feel like every job should have those.

We put them on our bridges.

Do we? Yeah. That's chill. That'd be a thrill to just jump in.

We put them on bridges and top golf. Those are the only places you're not allowed to do it. You cannot commit a top golf.

No, that's such a party fail. Committing at top golf.

Trying to commit at top golf. That'd be crazy. After a bad shot. Your girlfriend just beat you in the third straight game. You can't even hit the ball. It's just landing in the fucking point zone.

Yeah, that's fucking bold. The guy hit it further than her. I got it in the red blinking thing. It's like, this is life is meaningless.

It's time to leap from the third floor of the top golf. Break your leg. You'll be fine. Caught in the nets, worse than a death, though. Bro. Caught in the top golf net. Oh, God. I'd just go kill me. Just fucking kill me. Because I have to get fished out by seven of the teenage employees. It would take so... It'd be like, how did the Egyptians build a pier thing? A hundred people with ropes pulling me out of that thing.

You peed yourself from white claws? Run me over with the ball collecting machine, dude. Just fucking chop me up into that thing.

That's a tough way to go.

Hey, man, after you fall in the top golf net, I would fucking light myself on fire. That'd be so fucking... I feel like if you fall in the top golf net, by some law of physics, your ass has to come out of your pants.

Your ass is hanging.

Your crack's getting split by a rope, for sure.

It's just cheeks sticking out. And there's a family underneath you. God forbid, it's a hot chic party. Eew, look at that guy.

They probably set up where your Tennis pokes through one of the holes in the neck.

Just your Tennis in the little square.

Just a Timberlink. Your ass is out to your family.

It's full Timberlink.

Jt got crossed with the Tennis trap.

I was thinking about JT when I was I was watching T-Pane. I was like, because do you see the videos of him with a hood up just phoning in his concerts?

That's because he got the-I think got that-The Tennis fly trap, dude. After the Tennis fly trap, you go, I'm done with this. Fuck my whole production.

Fuck whoever did this. Yeah, true. If my producers fucked me up like that, I'd have the fucking Rain jacket hood on just being like...

That would piss me the fuck off.

If they set If I were to pick up on a Tina's Fly Trap, I'd be fucking furious.

Just, dude. Are you checking out the Tina's Fly Trap? The net, the Gonge Bridge net would It's going to be a tough one. It's going to be so scary. Yeah, dude. Because they always say, the few people that have survived, they're like, as soon as I let go of the rails, I was like, oh, fuck. This is a huge mistake. Yeah, for sure. But then you're stuck in the net. You're like, get me I'm sorry, everybody.

I want to live. You got to roll. You're going to roll under the bridge just looking at the roof. Like, holy shit. I can't believe I did that.

How far down is the net? Did they give you a little It should give you a taste of the-It should give you a taste. Gravity battery? Yeah, they should give you at least a 20-foot drop. So you can be like, or maybe 10, 20 feet is a little. Just a bit.

Yeah. So again, just right before you experience freefall, you go hit a net. Yeah.

Because I guess it's got to be far enough to where you don't see it. Do people still successfully kill themselves on that bridge? Like by jumping? Because that'd be tough to fucking leap on that.

It's 20 feet, the net.

Oh, they give you...

God damn. Oh. I'm going right through that net.

It's not the same thing, but I have a Chemex coffee thing, like the glass face-looking things. No, I had to buy non-Chemex coffee filter. Speaking of going through the net, I bought a non-Chemex filter being like, I don't need those. Dude, I poured my hot water through, bursted right through. I was fucking livid this morning. Pissed me right off. You just remind me of that.

Yeah, that'd be me.

When you said that, I'm like, It is possible. You think things can hold. Sometimes they fucking burst.

But those nets are built for people who commit. And if you commit, you're probably about 120 pounds. Yeah, true. Typically.

Not a lot of big dogs. That's true. Not a lot of big dogs committing. Big dogs don't commit. No, bro. They have too many. Yeah, true.

Big dogs are groving. Interesting. You got to be a skinny one to commit.

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's a skinny sad boy.

Yeah, it's a skinny man's game. That is. And ladies. Yeah. Ladies. Rare that it's ladies. Yeah, they don't really- Mostly Asians. Asians are not afraid to commit, especially in San Francisco. Oh, really? Yeah, there's a lot of Asians.

Yeah, they definitely are. I've seen them.

You remember, I don't know if this is... I don't know. One of my friends got stuck in a ball pit. That's like a top golf net. Jake the snake. I know. I didn't want to say it.

He does a whole fucking joke about it.

Yeah, Jake Matera.

He fucking got stuck in a ball pit.

He does a joke about it, man.

Yeah. In front of the fam. That's rough, dude. That's rough. I will say it's the foam pit. I'm not going to slander him with the ball pit. He got stuck in a foam pit, which, dude, those things are a little tough for me. You think, I'm going to do a fucking backflip into this thing on the trampoline. I always watch the X games, and they do the... Or not the X games. There's a skate park Woodward around us that you could do. They had a half pipe. You could go into a foam pit. I would do 10 backflips into that thing. You see the foam pit, you're like, I'm just going to jump into it.

Also, dudes miss the fuck out of that. Dudes miss that phone pit all the time.

Yeah, it's tough to get out of those things.

Yeah.

It's not the oasis you thought it would be.

Dude, it's still a brutal fucking Having everybody come to help you. That's a brutal one.

Getting stuck. Dude, I was in the ocean a couple of months ago, and I just laid on my back and just was like, I'm just going to float and chill. And it was pretty rough season. I got pulled out far enough to where I was like, fuck, some of these kids are going to have to pull me in. Fucking dry. I was swimming in. I wasn't going anywhere. And I was like, dude, one of these fucking hot, tan kids are going to have to rip me in to show I'm going to be humiliated. And I swam. Like, literally my life depended on it to get back because when you're not going anywhere in the ocean? Yeah. I hit that, then I had to float, and I let the water push me forward. And thank God, I'm chill like that. But it crossed my mind. I was like, Fuck, I might have to get carded in.

What would you say?

I would say, thanks, fellows.

I put the hand up. I would just go, Come get me. Come get me. Come on. Help. Hey.

You got to yell loud, too. Oh, yeah. Over the waves, that far away. You got to scream so loud.

Or you just give the classic, put your head under, come up and go.

Yeah.

That would have fucking sucked, dude.

It would have really sucked.

I was on the edge. I was like, this If I don't get any traction towards where I can stand, I'm going to throw up the flare. That would have fucking sucked, dude.

Trying to think about how fat people suicide. I mean, every day. I'm just trying to think about it. Fat suicide? Yeah, it's slow. Yeah.

I think it's just more leaving Las Vegas style with the Cheetos.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? I don't think they really blow their heads off. I don't know. It could What are you wrong?

Yeah, I think suicide is a thin man's game.

Yeah. How many fat people blow their fat heads off every year?

Because if you're fat, all you got to do is get skinny, and then you're like, Oh, I'm not that sad anymore.

But if you're skinny-No, then you become a child molester once you get skinny. That's having a Jared.

You got to watch it, man.

Yeah, it's like the Benz. When you come up, when you're scuba diving, you come up too fast, you get those crippling pains. If you lose too much weight too fast, you're like, Eom.

I can't have those tasty treats anymore.

I can finally catch one of those little guys. What is it, Gardini? What did you find?

Was I right about thin suicides?

It's hard to find a good figure, but it says a lot of obese... Well, around 15% of obese children think about committing suicide, I guess, from being bullied and stuff.

That's obviously, dude.

But then it's more common in It's 20% obese females report suicidal ideation, and then 8% obese males.

So it's pretty low. 80%? No, 8.

Oh. I was at 80. I was like, damn, the boys. Yeah, it's pretty low.

It's hard to find data.

I will say the schizophrenia community can bulk, and they're not afraid to...

Yeah, they'll do it.

They'll go to the abyss. Schizophrenic people are getting crushed by AI, dude.

Yeah.

I can see that.

It's tough.

Dude. Yeah.

Those Sorra videos came out of nowhere, and they're fucking good.

Yeah.

I've heard about that. Yeah, that's good. Although now we have all the deep fakes. We're like, fucking deep. Another deep fake clip of our podcast talking about tablecloths and shit. Fucking bullshit. Fucking Sorre bullshit. Yeah, it is nice. We'll be in a complete fake reality. You don't know. You won't know what's what.

Yeah.

We're already there because there was the Trump alleged letter to Jeffrey Epstein, the beautiful mystery. And he's just like, That's not real. You're like, Fuck, am I going to be fake.

He sent him a new bio letter.

Yeah. I will say that's pretty tough to write a weird cryptic message in the shape of a woman's figure. Yeah. I mean, dude, taking it out of context, that is a sick letter to send to one of your boys. If it wasn't about a child sex island.

For sure. Without a doubt. Without a doubt.

It is a boss move. Yeah.

If you get rid of the child sex trafficking, a lot of what Epstein was up to was fly. It's true. It's pretty cool. But then the big one. Yeah, I know. And you can do that for a lot of historical figures.

True. Yeah, man. He just pigged. Pigged. If he had mature Busty naturals-If he had a mature natural island.

Yeah, Big St. James. Big St.

James, bro.

Having mature naturals, just like those ladies at the strip club where you look at and you go, All right, man, this is your last season. There's always a no-ass blonde-haired lady who's like, Put on fucking Whitesnake, pussy, and gets up there and everyone's like, Yeah, God.

It was called Flacko's. You go, God damn, you're still in the league? Holy shit. You're starting this week? Yeah, an old stripper is called a Flacko. I'll tell you what, he still got it. He still got it.

True. Yeah, they get on. I mean, it's so hard because they're following a 22-year-old Dominican lady just absolutely gracing the pole. Then you have a lady bust out like fucking-Flying to the ceiling, crawling on the ceiling.

God damn, the exorcist.

Just an old, bony, white-haired lady with giant banks. You're like, Where the fuck do you crawl out of? Here I go, get on my own. Come and get it, boys. I'll wait. What the heck? I swear to God, every time I go to the strip club-Come on, let's get a dance.

Let's get a dance. You know, I'm like, What are you, fucking gay? God damn, and you're mean? You know who I've got my eye on? The mean ugly one. That's who I want to dance with.

Sometimes I've rode the dragon of the fucking flocco, the strip club. It's a nice move. You can still play. Yeah. They know all the tricks. They know the tricks. An old dog. The old dogs, man.

They know the playbook. Yeah. They know the playbook, front and back.

They're aware of the Kelly Blue Book, and they go, Look, we're throwing some bells and whistles. There's a secret compartment in there. Bust it out.

The KBB.

Fuck the KBB. It's bullshit. Yeah, I know. It's dealership propaganda.

I did nothing but battle with the KBB. Some fucking old guy would come in and go, Blue Book says my car is worth this much. And I go, Dude, the whole thing is bullshit.

It is. Yeah.

Edmonds. You want to know how much the car I'm selling is worth on KBB? You want to do that? Or we can just disregard KBB. Yeah. Up to you.

I like Edmonds. I'm an Edmonds guy.

Edmonds is great. I still check Edmonds just to see what's going on. Yeah, it's like that's a wide-Not even in the market.

I I just want to see what's going on. You just want to know what's going on. That's a live market value.

Looking at the trades.

I love checking out the trade.

Have you ever just been chilling somewhere and picked up an auto trader and tried to pretend you give a fuck? I've done it before. I've just scanned an auto trader, getting my oil change just to impress the mechanics.

I think I have it at work, when I was selling cars, to pretend I was remotely interested in this career.

I like the house magazines at the Wawa. Dos are pretty cool.

Like good house?

You read mags at Wawa?

The house ones, they have all the houses in it. You've never seen that one?

I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I love those. Like, I'm going to get this one.

Yeah, it's like, Let me get this.

I hope Shane gets this one. This has got a nice pool house.

I thought you were talking about the home decor. You're talking about the ones straight up for sale. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty tight.

I just like looking at them, the yards.

That's nice.

I need a yard. I got to get a yard.

I got to get a-You got to attend to this. You got to clean up back there. There's still shit everywhere.

Maybe that's how we can solve that whole homeowner crisis. They're saying people, if the millennial and whatever Gen Z won't own houses, we could VR them in a fucking apartment. We could just walk outside, and there's a white picket fence. I was like, Hey, neighbor, place looks great. You get to go, Thanks, buddy.

You can customize it to make them all mature naturals. You Every single neighbor is like, Oh, my jugs are out again, aren't they? No, that's okay. We could get a little mature natural island going.

Yeah, man. No, everyone would be like, This is a major improvement. Peace in the Middle East, not a child's sex island. Big Natties Island. Big Natties would be crazy, bro. Big Korean Natties.

Are we Korean Natties? Don't get greedy.

We were dying.

That would have gone too far.

That was a search. I forget. One of my brothers was all the Big Korean Natties.

That might get people mad. Big Korean Natties? People might be as up in arms about that as Little St. James. Big Korean Natties? Yeah, the jealousy.

True.

We'd be guillotines. They'd bring it back. This is the French Revolution. They have an island of Korean naturals?

That'd be tough. That would be tough. You could just test them like cocaine. You would just touch a pinky Oh, yeah. You'd touch it. Oh, yeah. You'd swirl them and you rub them in the liquid, it turns purple. You're like, Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. I'm going to give it a killer soundtrack to this episode.

We're doing good. You saw T-Pane, bro. The music's coursing through your veins.

I'll do the drum circle, bro. I mean, this is a music town.

This is. It's a city. It's live Austin. The live music capital of the world. That's true.

Well, hell, yeah, dude.

Yeah, good episode.

God damn did it.

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