Transcript of Ep 576 - Crack Mobile (feat. Joe List & Nate Marshall)

The Wild Wild West.

I should invest in the Spider League and bring it like a-You got something white on your lip.

I didn't want to just start theThank you.

I appreciate that. Yeah, true.

I didn't see it or else I would have.

I think I saw it in the bathroom and I just ignored it.

That's a good part of a point in your life, when you're like, I got to cover my lip. I'm going to let it fly.

I think I literally tried once. It didn't come off and I was like, whatever. I got to do stuff.

I don't worry about my lip corners.

Are we fired up? Nice.

You got to keep the lip stuff in. That's good.

True, yeah. That's good cold open. Nate noticed I had his cum on my lip. Joe, thank you for coming, man.

Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. You're fucking sick. I'm now here an extra day just for this. I got bumped from a big podcast I'm on that also records on Monday nights in Austin.

I'm glad you can come on, man.

Yeah, me too. I'm thrilled.

And You're traveling with family. That's an area of interest of mine because I do it all the time. I know.

We talked about it a while ago. I quote you all the time. It's fun. I don't mind the actual traveling on the plane. It's fun to me.

It's not that hard.

No. I don't want to throw my success in everybody's face, but I get upgraded a lot. Delta Diamond. There you go. My son has flown almost exclusively first class, which is very nice. But he's about to turn two, so I have to buy him a ticket.

Oh, shit. You're coming up on that. That sucks.

That'll be the end of...

It's funny watching it because some people smile at the child in first class, and then other people almost grimace at the child.

Yeah, it feels like a thing where people like, get the fuck out of it.

Even when they're two, it's not you or one, it's not you holding them. It's them sitting in a seat. Oh, yeah.

You got to pay for them. You can still hold them on takeoff when they're two-ish. And then once they get a little bigger, it's like a gray area. Sometimes my kid's crying. I'm not going to strap them to a seat belt. You're like, sorry, buddy. So, yeah, you have to... They give you leeway. My one daughter's five, and for landings, she needs to be in a seat belt. Okay. Whatever.

So when you had... I assume there was a moment where you had just the one kid. Did you ever travel the three of you? Did you buy a row?

Oh, yeah, we've done it before. Yeah. We do Southwest sometimes, too, which we just did in Chicago this weekend. It's in one time. Yeah, last time. Because usually, my wife's really good about checking in. We get early, so we get to be towards the front. And the one time, I just wasn't paying attention. We were sitting at the gate next to the gate we were supposed to be at. So the whole plane had boarded. And then I heard my name last call, and I was like, Oh, no. So we all had to split up. My wife is not a fan.

Was she a lap kid at that point, or was she just sitting by herself?

This is when we had the two of them. So we had to I ended up taking one-on-one. We just had to beg strangers to switch seats. Which some people are cool about. Some people are not cool about that at all.

There's that thing you see the online where people are like, your baby's not my problem. I paid for this seat. You ever see those?

No, I've never seen that. But it's also like... That's the one thing. Flying with kids is nice. Once you get over your kid crying loudly on a plate, I don't care. If my kid screams and cries, I'm like... And I know people hate that, but it's like, grow the fuck up, dude. I don't care that the kid's crying. I'm going to sort this out.

But also, everybody has noise canceling headphones now. That's like the standard headphones. And you got 400 channel. Just turn it up, Mission Impossible 11, and turn it up full volume. Yeah, it's the move. Fuck you. Yeah, exactly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thrilled if there's a crying baby, but you have the ability. You don't have to just sit there listening to it.

Now, if you all were to play solo and you have first class, and some lady has first class, and she's trying to get you out of your seat that you really want it.

I fantasize about the opportunity. To be a gentleman. Absolutely. I fantasize about a decrepit old man and being like, Please, sir, take this. Please take my seat. Or a kid. My one fantasy is a kid throwing something very hard at my head to the point where I'm bleeding, I get to be like, Yeah, it's so big deal. Just laughing all. Yeah. I deal with this all the time.

I have like, foul-wall fantasy. Whenever I'm at a game, I'm picking a kid. I'm like, I'm going to fucking make this kid's world. I'm going to give it to him. No, I'm going to give it to him. I'm going to be that guy. Which I did do one time at a New York Islanders hockey game. I caught the shirt. They fired the shirt and I caught it. I'm a Bruin's guy. I just gave it to a kid and I felt like a real hero. Million bucks. Yeah. I want to catch a foul ball just so I can give it to a kid and go viral.

You saw that lady that went viral for the exact opposite? Yeah.

Philip, one of yours.

Yeah.

You know what's funny? My wife was showing me that exact clip. The lady spashed as a guy. Now, I didn't really see the struggle. Did he snatch it from her or he just caught it? She was being a sore looser.

I think it landed in. It just hit the ground. He rushed over while everyone was trying to get it, grabbed it first and then ran. He snagged it. Yeah, I don't think he took it out of anybody's hand.

She was, I think, maybe touching it, but it wasn't her row. It was in his row, but right in front of her. She's a woman, so she sucks at everything. She was reaching down. I think her finger must have been touching it or whatever. But he got the ball. Yeah. It's like one of those things. Yeah, he had the ball, and then he gave it to his kid. It was his birthday, and then she came over. But I feel bad for the guy because I don't know if you watch the video. The woman comes up yelling, and he goes, It's egregious. People are like, This guy's a pussy. Fuck this guy. But he's also literally hugging his son from behind. It's his birthday. He just feels like a hero, and this woman must have been and put her hands on them, too. You have those moments where you're like, What the fuck is going on? People are like, You're such a pussy the way you react. We were like, Well, that was guttural. I could beat the fuck out of this woman. I'm not like, I'm not going to cut. It just frightened me.

He's also an old man, too. There's a chance he's dealt with that for decades. He thought he was at a game with his son. All of a sudden, a lady is like, What are you doing? He was like, Jesus fucking Christ. I thought you were at home. I thought you were back in the house.

What are you doing? Then people are calling him a pussy, too, because he gave the ball up. But I also get that of like, What am I going to do? Just fist fight this woman? How fucking take your ball, you douche. And then the guy got one of the players.

No, if he gave it away, it would have been even worse. The players gave him a lot of stuff.

The team gave him a bunch of shit, too.

So nice. The team rallied around. He's like, Dude, I'm sorry to deal with that bitch. Here's a bunch of swag from the team.

Well, then people were booing her. The whole section was booing her, and she started yelling at that. It was like a wrestling match. She was like, fucking, I don't know, Randy Savage or Something like, I don't know, something. I haven't watched wrestling in a while.

Yeah, that sucks. That lady has definitely... She has to go back to her job now. And everyone's like, Oh, yeah, you're the asshole of the week. You're the giant fucking asshole of the week.

And I don't know if she's been doxed yet. Do we know that?

I don't know for sure, but there's rumors that she's lost her job since then. No. I saw it online, but I don't know how true that is. It was just on Twitter.

She shouldn't have lost her job for that, though. That's concrete.

I don't think so. They did dox her. I found her for First and last name in a comment section.

I'm not even saying you found her first. You were the first one.

I got her. Yeah, you never know. I'm bugged out about that. You can just be going about a normal thing and just your life's ruined over just one spaz.

I know. You can't even yell the N-word at the subway anymore. You never know what surveillance is going to nab you.

My wife brought the Old Lady video to me, and then I was like, she was like, This lady's such a bitch. Then I saw a video of an old white guy and a middle-aged black guy. They both went for it, to be fair. It was a contest, and the black guy emerged victorious. Everyone was like, he's a piece of shit. I was like, I don't know. It's the flip side. It's like the guy wrestled it from the lady. He's a hero. But then the black guy, it was like an old man. So do you give it up? Or do you just be black as hell? I'm like, not my problem.

I do think it's like...

I had to hit it with the not my problem.

It's a known thing, though. You give the ball to a child, I feel like, as an adult.

I would say the elderly is like, You deserve this. I don't have to give this to you. He did. He power snatched it.

What if there's no kid in a five, like a six-seat radius? You're here, no one there, no one there, no one there, no kids, just all adults.

Give it to the hottest lady. Hottest lady gets the ball.

Put it between her tits.

It's hottest lady at that point. All right.

I mean, yeah. Put it back.

Put it back in play, especially if it's not your team's ball.

You just, I don't need this shit. Who started that in Chicago? I think Chicago does it.

Chicago, yeah. And then other cities try to do it, and you're like, That's not even our thing. Let me keep the ball.

I would keep it for sure. But then you probably get home and it's like, How long would you look at that ball in terms of like, Oh, you gave it away? Would you really have sentimental value? Would you just sit at home like, Oh, it's a fucking ball.

It's fun, I guess. I have a Major League. I got to I watched the Toronto Blue Jays batting practice on the field one time, and they gave me a ball, and I have it, and I'm like, Oh, that ball, you get to tell people. That ball is a real ball, whatever. And my uncle, I was at a game with him years ago. Sean Green, I think he played with the at the time. It was like a rain delay game, so it was down to a very small amount of people. He caught the last out and threw it directly to my uncle. That was the coolest.

That's nice.

The closest I've come to a thing. But I have no idea where that ball. I actually told the story to my uncle, and he's like, I don't remember that at all. I was like, He threw it to you. And he's like, Really? I guess that's the answer.

Yeah, it's in his basement somewhere.

Yeah, no memory whatsoever of a professional baseball player tossing a ball. And then did you see the tennis one with the hat? That was a big one the week before. No. Oh, that one was crazy. That guy did get doxxed. I think he was European. Did you see that one? Boy, tennis is really at a low point in the United States, I guess. Yeah. Well, it was right after a match, the guy took off his sweaty hat and handed it to a kid, and this guy nabs. I think he signed it, handed it to the kid. The guy nabs it and quickly puts it in his wife's purse. And it went viral. And the kid was like, what the fuck?

Did he steal it, though. He didn't take it. Oh, no, he took it, he snatched it from the kid.

He literally snatched it. I don't know if the kid got his hands on it, but the player was clearly handing it to him. I think he was a CEO or some crazy shit. It was a big thing.

I think I heard of this.

Then there was an apology that I think might have been fake because there was a statement being finders, keepers. You snooze, you lose, or something. But I think that was fake.

Did he say... No, I think I remember the statement now. He was like, This is how you become a winner. You take things. You're not afraid to take things from people.

It was something like that, but I was like, This has to be Yeah. Not real.

There's no way the company took that position.

I don't know if it was the company. It might have been that guy just be like, This is how I got what I got.

True.

Not worried about what the little man thinks of me.

Sean looks like he has something for the folks at home.

It's hard to sift through this People magazine article, but they keep saying he's a CEO. He runs a concrete company in Poland, so he's not a big-He's a fat Italian guy. He's a Polish. Yeah, he's a Polish. Polish concrete guy.

Bring back Polish jokes.

Yeah, true.

That was fated, didn't they?

Polish jokes, yeah, they fell out of favor. Nobody fires them up.

Yeah, that's weird.

They were big. When I was little, they were huge.

That was the only thing.

The Polish family got locked inside of their car?

What happened? How did they get locked in there?

They're just too dumb. They didn't realize they could just open the lock.

I was like, Why did the Polish guy get fired from the M&M's factory? He kept throwing away all the Ws. That was a big joke when I was a kid. Because then they became blonde jokes. Blonde and Polish were interchangeable.

Yeah.

But I don't know, what are the origins of Polish people being dumb?

I think they were fucking dumb. I think every ethnic group came here, and the Irish were like, lazy, subhuman. Italians were like, lazy, subhuman, Italians, or just annoying. And then Polish people came here and everyone was like, these guys are dumb as fuck.

But could the origins be the dumb people stayed behind when the Nazis were coming? Is that Could that be the origin?

They were probably valiant. They were the heroes.

Or they're all dumb.

The dumb ones got killed by the Nazis, and the other dumb ones came here.

Yeah, right. By the way, this is not my theory. I'm just wondering if that's how it originated.

That's true.

I'm not like those fucking idiots didn't get out of the way. The Nazis.

I don't have any position on it at all. I actually heard Polish people have not the biggest, but the fattest dicks out of all. Is that right? Yeah, I swear to God. That's the word on the curb, that the Pollacks have fat dongs. So I always throw that in there as well.

Fat is funny because it makes it seem like they could lose it if they weren't. Thick feels like natural, but fat is like, I got to change my diet.

They have obese dongs.

Well, No kidding.

I remember looking into the exact term Polak, and if I'm not mistaken, it actually applied to like, Hungarian. I think they actually... I forget. There was some weird thing.

I thought it was a slur for them.

Yeah, it is. It's a slur. But I think it originated with like, Hungarian. When anyone from Eastern Europe came here, they just everyone lumped them together as Polacks, basically.

No kidding. Yeah. I didn't even know it was a slur. I've been using that left and right.

It's not a slur. If a Polish guy gets offended, he's a Polak. So I'm not saying you're bone-headed, but Eastern Europeans are a subject of fascination for me. So I don't know anything about any of those countries.

Right.

This Google AI overview is blaming Archie Bunker for the anti-Polish sentiment. They said, He had a Polish son-in-law in all in the family, and he would constantly make fun of them.

Oh, meathead. Yeah.

So they said that started it along with xenophobia and stuff, according to Google.

So that makes sense.

I know they have big fat heads. I've heard that, too. Square big fat. Dicks. Dicks and dummies.

Are the fat heads from drinking? I know the dicks aren't.

I don't know. You know what? I was at a bar with my wife. We're in Chicago this weekend, and we're at a hotel bar just hanging out. And there were two guys. Their wives had giant fake tits, and the guys had big fat heads. And I was like, damn, it's alpha. It was a giant fat head. They're just arms around their fake-titted wives. And I was like, these guys are on to something. They're swinging. I got to pee next to one of the guys. I didn't look at his dick, but I was admiring him. I wish I was with you guys. I'm with my fucking wife. They're natural tits. You guys have a giant fake-titted white. Dude, nipples flying out of the shirt. No kidding. They just sat there in pink polos with huge heads, and it was menacing me from across the bar. That sounds wonderful.

It was awesome. I grew up in Massachusetts. There was no Polish people, I feel like. Maybe there was one Wozniak in my school. I forget her name. But it was all Irish, Italian, English. Yeah. I had three Black people.

Yeah, we had zero Black people. Well, yeah, zero. A couple of Mexican guys. But we had pretty much just Irish, Italian, and then some Polish.

I didn't start differentiating White people until I started comedy, and then you all made it clear that you all were different. I didn't know Jews weren't white people for the longest time.

They are. Don't let them lie to you. That's what I think. They're fucking White. They're the fuck out of here.

I think if you can hide it a little bit, then you're not...

I similarly discovered Jewish people late in life as well. Yeah. Because I went to Catholic school for 12 years, so I, for real, didn't know any Jewish people.

Yeah, we had very few. But this is how few Jews we had. I was in Great Neck, Long Island, where there's a lot of, I always confuse Orthodox, and what's the other one? Hasidic.

Hasidic, yeah.

I think these were Hasidic with the thing. A family member, I don't want to out specifically in case she gets to up, but a family I remember was like, I thought they couldn't be out during the day. I swear to God. We were in our 20s. I was like, During the day? What are they, fucking vampires? During the day. I was like, No, no. They go out during the day. They got jobs and everything.

So you can't see their horns?

I was blown away. I was like, What? But maybe she thought, Use electricity on Saturday.

That is the thing. One of my friends lived next door to some of those guys. They weren't the curly guy. I get them confused, too. I think they were Orthodox. They would have him, a Gentile, come to their house and flick the lights for him.

Yeah, there's a lot of that.

Did they pay you for those services?

What do you think, Nate? No, you sent me up there. I think it was just a general goodwill. I think the day before 9: 11, they were like, By the way, just be careful. Don't go to work today. Jews are having a tough time right now, by the way. They are. I personally like them. But a lot of people are fucking… I do. I was raised in a very pro-Jew house. My dad, he would always be like, I love Jewish people.

I love Jewish people, too.

Yeah, he loved it. But it was funny because he'd be like, Dude, I love the Jews. I just love how they operate with their money. And I'd be like, All right. I was a little kid being like, Cool. He would tell us. He was like, he would say he's an Irish Jew.

No kidding. Yeah, they never came. Isn't that Scottish? Folks. Scottish people are known for being very frugal. That's the joke. They are.

My dad would, for real, use their... He would admire the things people hate about them. He's like, I love the way they act with their money. He's like, more people got to do it. I'm like, nice, dad.

Not trying to bite your dad, but that This is my favorite thing about Jewish people. People knock them for that, but I think it's cool as hell to be like, these are my bros. I'm going to look out for my bros.

When you really look into the religion, it gets a little spooky. It really does. If you read about it, it's like, I love the squad, but you read about what they're up to, and you're like...

But isn't that if you look into any religion?

Not really, dude. Looking at Christianity. Magic Christianity.

Who's getting fed to tigers or lions? That's Christians? That was a fucking Romans, dude. And they were feeding Christians to Yeah, they're feeding everybody. Okay.

Romans are feeding everybody.

That's not a special thing that happened where Catholic was getting fed to lions? Am I remembering? They did.

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Who do you think the funniest group is? Because Jews got to be up there. Yeah, they're up there. It's between Jews and Black people, I feel like. Don't you think? Yeah. Pound for pound through the last 100 years or so.

I'd say, yeah. Then third, giving it to the Italians.

What? Italians make me laugh. What?

No, Black people love Italians. You can't. Black people love Italians. Honestly, Black people want to be Italian. They don't want to be Italians. Yes, you do. Black people want to be Italians. Italians want to be a black man. Every time I see a black dude eating spaghetti on Instagram, they all think they're Al Capone. If you're a black dude, spaghetti.

Well, very similar. I mean, you have big dicks, funny, loud, and very stylish. Clothing's a big deal.

Yeah, that's true. I don't know.

I'm always like, It's true. My wife does it. She's like, She only talk about Italians like they're cool. And I'm like, They're not fucking cool. They're fucking-Get over this. The coolest-This is a bug in programming.

They're definitely the coolest Whites.

Well, it depends on what we're talking about, like stand-up comedy funny or just hanging out funny. Like, Italians accidentally are fucking, Hey, what the fuck? Look at you. Look at me. That's funny. Similarly, with black people, It's just a funny way of talk, a funnier vernacular than certainly. But if you do stand up, Irish really making a great push. As a Boston guy, I feel like I have to.

I would say Ireland is the land of the poets for sure.

I like I see all a lot, too, but just Italians are more... They're like a good Marvel movie. They're dumb funny.

They are dumb funny. Yeah.

Italians are good. But Black people might be number one. I mean, you think pound for pound? You're just hanging out with a black guy. He's going to be funnier than most of the white guys.

I feel like you know what it is, though? But then it's like, yeah, for sure, 100%. But then it's like, I feel like a lot of black dudes get all the juice because there's a lot of black dudes that were just boring. It's always I always feel bad. You be a boring white guy, you're totally fine. But being a boring black guy sucks.

Yeah. No, I know a few that you're like, Wow, really skipped a generation. Well, I always tell this story. I was on the subway one time, and there was two guys yelling. One was at the other stop. So it was like 50 feet away, and they were just having a conversation. And this guy, he said the N-word, but I'll clean it up. But he's like, Yo, that motherfucker is so sweaty. He looked like he put a water balloon in a headlock. And I was like, That's like poetry. He just make that up? A water balloon and a headlock? I was like, That's better than anything I've heard in three years.

The funniest thing I've ever heard was a long, long time ago. I was in Philly just doing stand-up in the early days, and I used to do a lot of black rooms, and this one guy, there was a Muslim dude in the crowd, and he was just like, How many turtles do you have to sell to get your red beard, man? At what point did they upgrade? And it was just like, I was like, That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. After you sell your 100 turtle, you get to dye your beard. Why do Muslims dye their beard red by the way. Hannah? Like Tats?

Like fake die.

I thought some of them just had red beards. Like pirates.

It's like die. It's like party die.

I honestly have no idea.

No, I don't know. I'm finding out I'm not very cultured here. I didn't know the Polish thing, the fat dick Polish stuff.

I've heard it. I don't know where I heard that from. I've read it. I've read a book where they talked about a Polish guy who he would call his dick, the Polish hog.

Did he write the book?

No, the guy who wrote it was not Polish. He was not.

Is that the kid's book?

Yeah. Daddy, why is your Polish friend's dick so fat? Dying the beard red with henna is a sunnah practice, so it's a Muslim thing. But why? It's just something about Muhammad. Oh, it's like the blood of your enemies or something? It could be. The blood of the infidel?

I'm getting nervous now.

Yeah, Muhammad apparently encouraged his-That's cool, though. I can get behind that. While you're talking about Muhammad was a fierce warrior, I was paying respects.

Yes, absolutely.

Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Was what a What else is going on?

Oh, boy.

Now, Muslims, they're cool. They're chilling, bro. They were at public enemy number one for 10 years ago. Public enemy number one.

Certainly, 24 years ago, almost to the day.

Yeah. True.

You.

That was quick math you did in your head. Actually, it was pretty good.

Yeah, coming up in the beginning. True. Where were you guys for 9/11?

Grade school. Yeah. I was so happy. I was in high school. I was in high school, my bad. My bad. Yeah, I was definitely high school. My bad. I was definitely in high school. I was like a junior. I was like a sophomore.

You were in health.

Software in high school. That's where I was. Okay. And they wheeled a TV into the class and showed us the news. And I still was completely lost on me. Wow. I was like, Are we getting out early or not? And then we did, and I was like, nice.

9/11 didn't hit me for how fucked up it was until this year. I watched that.

For real.

I watched that. I saw a bit of live, Doc, where the first episode breaks down. That was the first time I really watched it as an adult, and I'm sitting there like, and I had lived in New York since then. So I'm sitting there like, Oh, that was for real. But when I was a kid, I was just like, Oh, yeah, shit.

Well, I guess it feels normal-ish if you're young. How old are you?

I was in sixth grade, so I was probably 12.

12, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know what the hell I was talking about. I was definitely 15. I was like 15 years old.

I was 19.

Okay. So I was at home.

I had graduated high school. I was just doing stand-up and nothing else. My sister woke me up and said that somebody's shooting at the World Trade Center because I think it was like, new. Nobody knew. She was like, They're shooting at the World Trade Center. I was like, Oh, wow, that's crazy. Yeah. I woke up and it was wild.

You saw the planes? Yeah, I don't know. I remember being, for real, I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was just excited to get out of school.

No, I think that's fair. I think that's most people that were in school.

Yeah. They just sent us home and I was like, sweet. My parents were freaking out, and I was like, whatever.

Maybe not the New Yorkers. They probably weren't.

Yeah, that was terrible. Yeah. It's funny because I was pretty close. I was already in Philadelphia, so I was not that far from it. It could have been. It might have as well been on the other side of the country. I was just like, well, not my problem.

I was there in August. I have a photo of the World Trade Center from August second or something like that. I was underneath it.

The wreckage you're saying?

No, a month before.

The old one?

Yeah, the Twin Towers. I was there six weeks before that.

The new one is the biggest building in America.

Yeah, in the Western hemisphere. I live right in across the street. Do you really? Yeah, it's right out my window.

That's awesome.

You get charged up. I just want to know where I live. After all that Muslim talk, I want to let people know my exact address.

Dude, I could be wrong. I was taking a wild guess. I don't know what. Can you look up the origins of the red dye? It's probably not that. Yeah. But... Yeah, I don't know. I love that.

I was like, We're like, Let's get off this Muslim stuff. Let's talk 9/11.

It says it's just an act of devotion. Okay. For older men, it's a nice way to maintain groomed and presentable while embracing your age. Oh, it's to hide the gray. Yeah, I guess so.

Probably go bald, dye the beard gray.

But some people do black instead. Some people do just jet black? Yeah. That's pretty tight. That's cool.

That's what I'm doing. I've wanted to be a girls and died at Jet Blat.

So it's just like... I think it's just like a swag thing.

It feels like a way to just look like you're not aging.

Yeah, that's what I'm hearing. That's smart.

We got two pés for the religion. Yeah, for Muhammad.

I've talked to a Muslim guy, an Uber driver, and I was asking him, what's the deal with, for real, the multiple lives? It can't be as cool as everyone says.

What's the deal with the multiple lives? Who are these ones?

How did they get along? I do a happy to chat in Uber, and most people will check it and be like... Some people check in, they're like, Fuck this guy. I'm not doing it. But a lot of them will check and be like, I now have to entertain this guy, and they'll just chat me up. Oh, wow. It's so fun. I didn't know you could do that. Oh, yeah. You can select preferences. You can select shut the fuck up, basically.

But they get pissed when you select shut the fuck up. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

Maybe here. But New York, I've never had a driver talk to me one time ever in New York City.

They can't, probably. What? They probably can't.

What do you mean?

Did you ever see their phones? Oh, they speak English? They have fucking space invaders shit on their phone. I see the letters. I'm like, I don't even know what that is.

I was thinking not allowed to. I didn't even realize that you're saying they can't speak the language.

I don't know. I could be wrong. I feel like it's much more business in New York. Getting the Uber. They have half taxi, hybrid stuff.

But that's what I hate about the middle of the country. It's like you go to Omaha and you get picked up and they're like, so what brings you here? And you're like, Oh, fuck.

No, I love that. I love it because I'll start asking them. Dude, I've had some fantastic conversations in Ubers. Because you got a 20-minute ride, and I'll just start chatting them up. It's fun.

I've had some decent-A lot of divorce guys.

I've had a lot of tales of love lost.

That's definitely the job you do as soon as everything falls apart. You have your other job, and you're like, I got to do something else with my time. Got to get an apartment.

Have you been recognized in a lift?

I don't know. I think maybe once, but no. I've beat around that bush here and there, and then people... I've had people talk to me about chain and lifts, and they're like, Dude, this guy Shane Gillis is so funny.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, he's good. He's great. He's awesome. I should start trashing them. I've heard he's a fucking giant asshole.

He's a piece of shit, that guy. No kidding. They'll probably kick you out, though, like Big Labowski. Get the fuck out of my car. You don't say shit about him.

It's happened to me a lot. I've been in gyms, and this one guy, I swear to God, because at first I was almost like, Does this guy know of the podcast? And I don't think he did at all, but I was in a gym on the road. It was getting guests past. The one guy, he was leaning into fall fashion. And the other guy at the gym was like, Shane would think you're gay. I was just like, Whoa, his fucking net has traveled in your lifetime fitness.

That's hilarious.

That was pretty great.

I had a 41 of those ones where a dude couldn't remember his name. He was describing... He just stopped me on the street and was like... It was when I was trying to move down here, some dude was trying to talk to me about his comedy or whatever. He didn't know I was a comic. He just started talking to me drunk. I just asked him who his favorite comic was. Just trying to small talk. I was just smoking a J, trying to kill time. Then he goes, This guy, he goes on Rogan. He talks about politics. I was like, All right, that's not Shane. I go like Tim Dylan, and he goes, He's like a handsome Tim Dylan. I don't know why that shit was so fucking funny to be referred to as a handsome Tim Dylan.

It's funny because Tim is a very handsome guy. He's just obese. If you see young Tim Dillon, he's very handsome. He has blue eyes. He's a very attractive man.

He is an attractive male.

I blew him.

Yeah, no. It is fun getting in the Uber. I will say getting guys from Pakistan in an Uber, the one I get them fired up on, I go, What do you think about American women? And they just do. They go off. It's the best. It's so funny. They're no good. And also, no one believed me. The divorce rate in Pakistan, he was like, What is the divorce rate in Pakistan? I was like, I don't know. What do you guys got? 10 %? He was like, 1 %. Wow. Nobody believes me. They look it up. It's literally 1 %, the divorce rate in Pakistan.

Is it a sin? What's the-Yeah, I think it's completely frowned upon.

How often do wives die in Pakistan?

Now you're on to something. I think I got-90 % of wives die before the age of 40 in Pakistan.

Well, yeah. Or maybe in Pakistan, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's like you can get a little... You can use bouncer rules. You got to fold their hands across their chest, move them out of the room. Put them a time out. But also what I was asking the guy about multiple wives, he was like, It's not like everyone says it. Yeah, you can totally get another wife, but you need to be able to prove that you have the resources to care for them. Oh, interesting. Yeah. And you got to It's a whole thing. You got to put them together, make sure they get along. But he's like, Yeah, you're totally within your right.

And you could just hang out in the house with both of them? It's not separate homes?

I think it's separate homes. I think you need to be able to have... I think, it could be wrong, but the way he described it is you got to be able to fully support another. But I feel like in Pakistan, I don't think you'd... I don't know. I think you'd be able to just put them in apartment A, apartment B. All right.

I'm just thinking out loud over here.

No, he's like, It's not as cool as everyone says, which I agree. I've talked to people about the multiple wife thing. I think it is not as cool as people say.

One wife, couple of girlfriends.

Dude, my youngest daughter really wants me to get a girlfriend. She keeps saying, she's like, Dad, do you have a girlfriend? I'm like, No, I'm married. She's like, Dad, you need a girlfriend. I'm like, All right. That's a good kid. Tell your mom that. I thought you'd be furious if I had a girlfriend. So what's the reason I don't have a girlfriend.

You brought it up to your wife?

I tell her all the time. I'm like, Chloe wants me to get a girlfriend. I don't know. I feel like if she got older, she would take... I'd be like, Dude, you said when you were three, got to get it in right. You know what weirds me out? The hall pass talk among couples. We're like, Who would your hall pass be? It's like, Don't talk about that.

Yeah, we never I had that conversation.

But it's a totally fruitless conversation. Because you already know it's like, yeah, just be like, I don't know. I think it's fucking lame. I don't like it.

I don't like it because I know you're not saying your the real thought. If I asked her, she would say somebody that would be unattainable, but her real hard pass, she'd want to say it's just like a guy she worked with.

One of your close friends, the guy she's always thinking about.

Well, that's what I think. I think everyone Who secretly wants to fuck their spouse's friends.

Really?

Don't you think? Or siblings.

I could see where you're coming from, but I don't.

It's extra forbidden. If I could have sex with any woman, it wouldn't be Anne Hathaway. It would be my wife's... Friends. Ot, we'll say. Just throw her off the scent. But yeah, one of her buddies, her childhood friend, something.

I'm trying to run through the list. Am I it?

I don't know. I think it might just be the first person I see outside.

It should be our neighbor across the hall.

I think that's the case. I think most guys cheat with a less attractive woman. I've heard that. Something like that, something?

I've heard that, yeah. I wonder if that's true.

I think you want to feel guilt-free. That way, if you get caught, you can be like, She's a fucking pig.

She's nothing compared to you.

She's gross. She's ugly.

Or she can be super high and be like, What am I supposed to do? Say no to that. She's way better than you.

Yeah, that's a good point.

I always thought it was just younger. It's like you have sex with a younger lady. Yeah, that makes sense. I think there's always going at a pizza shop. I think every female cashier is in the hot seating terms of the 50-year-old Italian guy.

Yeah.

I've heard of that happening a lot. It's big in New Jersey. Every high school girl gets lightly molested by their pizza shop manager boss. Really? Even Burger King, like a Burger King There's a thing. It's all high school kids. A lot of girls working there. For every Burger King, there's a 40-year-old manager who's like, chances are he's being in a Fibafile, let's say. Right. Yeah. I've heard What are your tales like that?

I used to work with this. I'm trying to be vague. I used to work with this guy. He was smashing one of the... She was 18.

Like 18?

She was 18 or 19.

She was similar to 18.

I I think she was 18. She was 18 or 19. That's how I remember it. I think I would have been... I was 16 then, so I think I would have still known if it was real fucked up.

But anyway, I just remember-Not back then. That's what I'm trying to remember.

That's what I'm saying. I'm trying to run it in my head.

Like, what? Whatever.

I think 18, though. I really do. Because I know she was a senior in high school and shit.

But anyway-You're sweating.

It wasn't me. I'm not going to fuck. But the guy, I remember he was just always taking her into the... When we would clean up the take her into the fit room. They'd fuck. I was the only one who knew, and her boyfriend would just pick her up afterwards, and I'd see it. I didn't know him. We didn't go to school together or anything. The one time, I just saw her walk out and kiss them on the lips as soon as they got… I just was like, Oh, my God.

It's nice. She gave me a nice greeting, though.

She snowballed. She snowballed. Bring your check home. She's got fresh load from her Burger King manager. I'm into it. Been around a long time. It's fun.

It's tough being a high school-aged male. Yeah, because it's tough. You never know.

Yeah, I got down here like that. I heard a check I used to date. She used to get picked up by some old guy. Just one of her friends told me. He had some dude, he was 25. She was 16. Just wish to pick her up for her Wendy's job.

When I was growing up in high school, we would go to this place called Painter's Crossing. It was just a shopping center, an AMC, a movie place. And just random other bullshit restaurants, like a friendly's. We would see those cool Honda Civics with spoilers pull up, and they were like sharks. They were just 25-year-old dudes who just come prey on your cool high school girlfriends. You'd be like, Come on, let's get out of here. You'd just feel like, No, they're here. They would just circle the parking and stand outside their cars. You'd have to get your girlfriend out of there because she would get molested by an older man.

Yeah, I remember my girlfriend was a year younger than me, and then I didn't go to college, and then she gradually went to college. We broke up. I initiated the breakup because I was like, You want to break up, right? Clearly, this isn't going to be great. I started doing comedy, so I was hanging out with 50-year-old men immediately. Then I'd be like, Come on, I'm doing comedy. It would just be a bunch of middle-aged guys and me. She's like, This is awful. Then I'd go visit her at college, and it's just the hottest football play guy. I was like, You want to break up? She was like, I do. She was too nice to do it.

Yeah, I feel like I could be wrong about this, but I feel like in that situation, a girl would just be like, I like the comfort of having a boyfriend. Then I'm going to get here and slowly leave him.

They'll definitely cheat a little, too, I think. Yeah, I would imagine.

I did the right thing in high school. I broke up, I was dating someone. I was just like, We can't when I go to high school. I felt bad, or when I go to college. She was pissed. She was in eighth grade.

She had an eighth grade volleyball champion.

I mean, that That destroys high school romances. I had a guy sit me down a long time ago and be like, Bro, trying to talk me out of my high school sweetheart. He's like, You guys are going to last. I was like, Fuck, dude. Why are you doing this to me? He was like, Just move on. It was rough. But I mean, yeah, he was wise. He said, This will never last. I was like, All right. Well, thanks, man.

I only broke up with one woman my whole life, and she accused me of cheating. It was hot. She was like, You're cheating on me. She was Italian. She was You're cheating on me. I know it, you're a piece of shit. I was like, I'm not. I wish I was.

I was like, I just don't care for you. Yeah, I would say, I still think breaking up with is infinitely harder than getting broken up with.

Yeah, I remember having a panic attack. It was horrible.

Oh, it's horrible. It's literally the most lethal or brutal conversation you can have to be like, Hey, I don't want to see you ever again. That's essentially what you're saying. Or I would. I'm open to it, but I just want to just... Maybe we could be more like strangers to each other.

Yeah, no, it was rough. I had a thing. It was funny. I was dating this woman, and I just didn't like... I only dated her because I was single for seven years, and I thought people were going to think I was gay. I was like, I got to get a girlfriend so people don't just think I'm gay. I knew her from work. I started dating, but I never liked her. I wasn't into her. It was just whatever. She was like a beard, basically. Yeah, exactly. We were dating, and then it was like, I wanted to break up with her, but I didn't. Then Christmas was coming upon us, and I was like, Shit, I got to get her a fucking gift because I just put off breaking up with her. And literally, I was driving to meet up with her on December 23. It was Christmas Eve, Eve, and I was like, Oh, dude. I remember we were at this store one time, and she said she liked this picture of Audrey Hepburn. I'm like, I'll stop and pick that up. I just grabbed it on the way there, handed it to her like, Merry Christmas, and she opened it and just started bawling.

She's like, Nobody's ever loved me this much. You remember? And I was like, Fuck. You're right. Because I wanted to break up with her. Then I just bought some random shit. I'm like, I remember she bought that, and she had dated bad boys or whatever before I met the nice guy. I just nailed the gift. I was like, I just fucking... She was literally crying like, No one's ever loved me like this in my life. I was like, Oh, God, damn it. But then right after Christmas, my grandfather died, and then she didn't come to the funeral, and I used that as an excuse. She's like, I didn't even know you wanted me there. You didn't even tell me where it was. I was like, Well, you should have looked at that piece of shit. You fucking careless bitch. So I was like, That was my out. But I remember being truly shaking.

Yeah, you think about it for three months. By the time you're getting broken up with, the person has probably thought about it for anywhere from six months. Yeah.

And now she's married and I'm married.

That's good.

Yeah, it worked out.

My dad and Jess, when I was in grade school, told me to always break up with a girl before Christmas, so I didn't have to buy her anything. And I actually did that one time, right before Christmas. And I was like, it was horrible.

For real, the meatest thing you could do.

I know.

I was like, Seventh. When you're like, We're dating, but you don't ever even see the person. You just hold hands in recess for three days.

It's like, I meant October, you fucking knew.

I felt mad about that. It was funny having a girlfriend in seventh grade, and you just... They'd be like, We're dating, and you just see them at recess, and then you break up two days later.

Yeah, I had that in fifth grade. Jen McCarthy. Not to be confused with Jenny McCarthy, the anti-vex hot lady. She was dating two guys. She was dating Matt Will and me because you didn't hook up. We were in fifth grade. We didn't even kiss. She's like, These are my two boyfriends. The three of us would hang out. You were in a polycule? Yeah, it was pretty cool. And then you just broke up because summer happened and you didn't have any way of seeing her. You're like, All right, that was that. Did she break up both of you? I don't even remember. I think she was more into him because he was more of a fatherless man. So I think he was probably fingering her, and I was like, We're both... It felt like they definitely had. We're doing stuff. Yeah, I was just like, I don't know.

I remember being in grade school. I think I might have been in sixth grade. I was just sitting on the maybe gymnasium floor at an assembly, and an eighth grade girl laid her boob on my hand. And I just sat there. He's an eighth-grade? Yeah, bro. It was awesome. And I just sat. I just remember my hand just feeling the pressure of her boob for an entire assembly. Then she got up and I was so confused. I was like, Is that my fucking girlfriend now?

Is that a base? I don't even know.

It was over the shirt, second base, technically, but it was back in my hand.

Still something.

It was definitely something. Yeah, it was so much so that I was like, Can you just touch ladies' boobs? Is that a thing? We had tables in my grade school, and I would slowly elbow over and hit the lady's boob next to me, and they'd be like, Get off me. I don't know. One lady laid on my arm. I thought it was like, I don't know. I thought you might want to rest your tits on my elbow.

I wish I could redo life, don't we all? I feel like I could really do. But not that I would be a crazy, pussy-crushing man. I'm still me, but I think if I had a little more confidence, I could have had more sex. Yeah, for sure. Even in high school, I feel like I could have done it right for myself.

No, it happened. I was like, nothing really doing. And then a little bit in late grade school, and then not sex, obviously. That's weird. When people have sex, they're in eighth grade. It freaks me out. But I remember I lost a bunch of weight my junior year, and I got like, shredded out of nowhere. I kept getting grounded for drinking. So I would just act like I was in prison and just do pull-ups in my face, and I got actually shredded.

Just reading spiritual books.

Died my beard red. But yeah, no. I remember I just hit this weird spurt of like, I've never gotten... I don't know. I I went on a terror in high school. Then at the beginning of college, this monstrous dry spell.

I was just thinking about a lady, and I realized I could have fucked in high school because she just followed me a couple of weeks ago, last week on Instagram, and I saw that, and I thought of something she said to me that now I would have known it was a green light. She was like, I wish I could mess with you, but I'm friends with your girlfriend. But her saying that out loud is really going like, I'll fuck you, and I won't tell your girlfriend.

You didn't realize this at the No, I was in 10th grade.

I just didn't take it. I don't know. That's fair. 10th grade, I guess. I might have been 10th, 11th. I think I tried to sell myself short. It was 11th.

I was always so afraid of being a bad guy. You feel like you make a movie. She's like, What the fuck? You piece of shit. That was such a fear.

I grew up listening to hip hop. I didn't give a fuck about that shit. Yeah, I listened to much rap.

True. Yeah, if anything, it was.

When I was young, it wasn't cool to kiss ladies. That's crazy. I remember somebody being like, Oh, you kissed her? Because they suck dicks. I know that's dumb now.

Oh, I see. I was thinking this is the gayest thing I've ever heard. That's because they were homophobic. I see.

I always looked at it, that was a chain of events. I still follow a base procedure, by the way. Yeah, now you got to. It's kiss, touch boob, touch vagina, then have sex. I still hold it down that way.

The girl I lost my virginity to, we didn't kiss for six months. We were dating, and I remember I was having a conversation with one of my friends about it as an adult, that that happened, and she cheated on me. She's the one who was the one getting picked up from Wendy's I was telling about and shit like that. I also heard she got cheated on by getting the train ran or all that stuff. She cheated on me doing that shit. But so we're talking about that. I talked about how they kiss her for six months. He was like, You mean you dated a chick who was just like, You fuck her and not kiss her for six months, and you didn't realize she was a hoe? She's like, Yeah, you're doing the right thing, not kissing me. It's her energy. I don't know. I thought that was the name.

It's pretty woman. She's Julia She's pretty woman. She's not allowed to kiss.

It is funny. You guys were in a serious relationship, though. You guys were like...

Yeah, she was the first person. I was like, I love you. I was hanging out with her dad. It was all that stuff.

I have a Really was bad for everyone's brain, man. I sold Coke for a while. I was like, this is so cool. Then you get older, that's such a bad negative thing to do. I couldn't have ruined my life. Back then, I was like, this is the coolest thing I can possibly I do. It wasn't at all. This episode is brought to you by Amra Colostrum. Guys, I like to say we can joke about pretty much anything, but what happens when your health becomes the punchline? From seed oils to stress, toxins to pollutants, the modern world is screwing with our health at the cellular level, leading to exhaustion, brain fog, digestive issues, and more. Yeah, these things affect me horribly. I have diarrhea constantly, and my brain truly doesn't think... I don't think my brain works anymore at all. My brain, for real, is like, I'm always tired. But here's the thing. You don't have to settle for feeling like garbage 24/7. Armra Colostrum is nature's original health hack, packed with over 400 bioactive nutrients that fortify gut integrity, strengthen immunity, revitalize hair growth, feel stamina, elevate focus, and help you function like a human again.

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Selling Coke is pretty cool. You get money, right?

Honestly, I swear to God, dude, you You don't make as much as you think. Because I sold weed for a while, too. I made way more money selling weed. Coke is like... Unless you're getting big amounts of it, you don't make as much in terms of the risk of going to jail. If you just get a couple ounces of Coke and break them down into 20 bags, you make money off of it, but nowhere near getting a couple of pounds of weed, and you would not... The jail from selling an eight ball to a pound of weed is completely-Right.

Dudes I knew who sold crack, they never seen...

He heard that's pretty profitable.

I never knew anybody who was top guy. Everybody I knew, they were fine, but they lived together. It was three brothers that I was hanging out with. One time, they sent me to sell crack for them.

Now we're off on a topic.

Which fast food chain were you operating at lately?

Their house was right down the street from this park called, I think it was Barby's Park it was called. I took the crack and I took their bike. I saw, you have to go up this bridge that's up a hill and then down the hill. So I go up the hill, then I start going down the hill. The park's right at the end of the hill. And I realized as I'm going down the hill that the brakes on the bike don't work. So I'm going to self-crack. And then I can't stop the bike, and I spit out in fall.

You got to animate this. This is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

And then a car just stops, slams on the break. It's just two Puerto Rican dudes, and they just started pointing and laughing. Out of a I go selling it.

You used to have a vial?

I remember being in a vial, though. That's how I always see them on TV, but it wasn't like a little same bag you put weed in.

Right, right, right.

Excuse me.

Dude, did you complete the mission?

Yeah, I completed the mission that was for 30 bucks, and then I went back, and I think I just told them, I fell on the bike.

That is fucking hilarious.

You dropped the crack mobile, dude.

You're like, Here's the crack. Do you guys have any I want to start a nonprofit that repairs young kids who sell cracks bicycles.

Just make sure the brakes are good. Because I didn't think about that. Yeah, there's probably a lot of janky bikes going around there.

I'm just, Man, no one told me.

I was going to say there's a good chance that it was somebody else's bike. Come on, Sean. I don't want to be a jerk. That's jacked up, man. I'm sorry. I tried to get my tongue in.

Sean's probably right.

Crap. Sorry. That's nice to know, though. If your bike gets stolen, it's like at least...

Yeah, absolutely.

Someone's upperly mobile is trying to make the best of a bad situation.

But also, you know it's got fucked up brakes, so you're like, watch what happens.

Yeah, that's crazy. They didn't warn you that bike had no brakes. Did you have to use your sneakers to slow yourself down?

I just remember falling. I don't remember exactly what I tried. I think I tried to get off and hop and just-Who bought the crack? It was two people. It was an older-looking dude, and it was a younger guy. But I don't know them.

Father and son?

I'm about to go to the baseball game.

What are the two people in the wire? Bugsy, and he had this guy that died. I don't remember. I forget. Yeah, never mind. Bad rift. Dang.

So that was it. That was it for you. That was it.

That's what we'd fight for that.

The bicycle was like, I don't trust these bikes.

I'm not cut out for That's what I'm saying.

I think I was always phony, tough. I would be around the dumb shit, but in my heart, I was like, no. I used to like to fight a lot. Then I remember we were supposed to fight after school. This was like, ninth or 10th grade, and one of my friends had a little 22 that he showed me. Oh, Jesus. I just remember being like, This is this stuff. Peacemaker time.

Yeah.

Then that's the style I changed who I was hanging with. I had this one group I was with all the time. Then I went to my friends that I was hanging with a lot more in middle school. Found Lamair. I found a version of Lamair. Yeah, different fat guy, a different funny fat guy.

Yeah, that's where Coke was for me. It was the absolute… I was completely out of… I was already out of Element with a lot of stuff, but Coke was like, These are bad guy, bad guys. And I was like... And I never did it, by the way. Never even tried it. Me either. Never had any. To this day, I detest them. I hear people that do it. I go, Why the fuck are you doing that?

The snorting something just felt very off-putting to me. I didn't care for that. And then also all my anxiety that I had growing up, and still now, is all... I associate it with heart. I'm always afraid my heart's going to stop, my heart's racing. So the idea of doing coke, I was like, My heart will explode. I'll die here.

Yeah, that was always a very similar thing. I actually just... I had a couple of years where I couldn't exercise because I'm like, I'm going to have a heart attack. I was like, 26.

Well, this is an interesting thing. I tried to do a bit of this. It never worked. But I'm like, why... Exercise is good for your heart, but having stress is bad for your heart. But they both cause your heart to race. Yeah. So shouldn't having a panic attack be... This is why the bit never worked, by the way. Shouldn't having a panic attack be good for you? Stress is the worst thing for you, but what does stress do? It raises your heart rate. That's what exercise does. I know that there's probably an explanation. I'm not genuinely asking, but I don't know. I started to grind the podcast to a halt with this bit. No, you got me thinking. I was like, Why it doesn't work? Like, cocaine Clean should be good for your heart. It gives you the same thing as exercise. Running a marathon is good for your health, so why isn't doing blow? You know what? What's going on? You know what?

It's funny because just two weeks ago, I saw a clip of Andrew Huberman being like, You need to spike your cortisol early in the morning as possible, and it's somehow good for you. So I just chugged a ton of coffee early in the morning, and it was like, Yeah, it was definitely not the move. I literally had a panic attack in my office. So I was like, This is not... I don't know what the fuck. But apparently, I guess there's got to be something different with... You know what it probably is? Like your lungs getting kicked into the picture. Right. Versus just your nervous system fucking frying you while you sit in a chair.

Well, some of this Huberman thing, Huberman, however you say his name, I enjoy the guy, but we were at the Green Room at mothership, and there's all these grip strength reading thing. Someone was like, Huberman says, Grip strength is the number one teller of how long you're going to live. Kurt Metzger was like, triple mine. I'm like, There's no way this fucking guy is living longer than me. He's smoking a pack of cigarettes and a joint at the same time. I'm like, I feel like...

Yeah, I don't know. There's a lot of stuff hitting the internet that does freak me out. I've seen that one.

That one, I didn't like it all. My grip strength is My hair.

Yeah, mine was like, I didn't want to say. I didn't want to say it.

I don't even want to say it. It's like 12. Mine is devastating.

Yeah, I don't know. I heard that, too. If you can't hang from a bar for three minutes, you're to die?

Well, the other guy, Peter Atia, he's the other guy. All these guys that are age experts all are 38 years old. I'm like, I want a 115-year-old guy. But he said you should be able to carry your body weight for up to a minute. So I weigh 180... Like by your side with a kettlebell. So I weigh like 180 pounds. I'm bad at math. That's 90 pounds on each arm. I should be able to walk for a minute. But I can't even attempt it because I'm scared my arm will fucking rip off.

Or your knees, really. Yeah, I don't know about There's a lot of stuff hitting the Internet like that. I saw one where it was like, if you want to be able to walk up 10 flights of stairs when you're 70, they had these lines and shit, and they're like, You need to be here now. And it was just like, otherwise. It's basically saying If you were sedentary, you're going to die. Yeah.

I think we all look pretty good.

Yeah. I think we're moving around. I feel like the problem is you can go so heavy into all that stuff where it's like, Am I doing all this stuff right? That probably fucks you up. In 20 years, if you actually think about this shit, you're going to die.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, then, Hooverman is also like, You got to look at the sun at 5: 15 for eight minutes, so your kid will be retarded. I keep seeing a thing on my algorithm. I have a child, and it's like giving your kid sugar within the first three years increases their odds. I'm like, So I'm just fucked? I gave him ice cream already. He's going to die.

And the TV. The TV fucks him. I don't know. I feel like they'll be fine. They'll be definitely more autistic kids. I don't know.

But I feel like Everybody I know has sugar as a kid and watch TV as a kid, and most people are fine. You know what I mean? Why is it a problem all of a sudden right now?

It's probably bad. I didn't realize how bad it was, but they're not going to die.

Yeah, I think it'll be okay. It'll be fine. He seems fine.

I don't worry. I can get hyper obsessed with that shit, though. I have an Aura ring. I'll track my sleep. I'll do all this stuff. Apparently, I don't get any deep sleep. Really? I don't know what it is. I check and everything else is great. And then my deep sleep is 30 minutes a night.

Maybe it's fucked up.

That's what I say. I told I told my wife it's her. I'm like, You just move around, probably. Fuck my deep sleep up.

You ever try all of them at the same time, Apple Watch, Whoop, Aura ring, and just see if they all say the same thing.

How you should do that?

I feel like a great test.

I like the picture you go to bed. You have a fucking picture of the back to the future on your head. You got suction cups on your tits.

Just sleep after your mask for no reason. But yeah, you get to a certain point, you're like, No, I'm definitely dying. I'm going to try to just maintain the ship as much as I can. Yeah.

I feel like an older dad. I'm like, I got to live as long as I can for this guy and stay healthy. I want to be able to have a pass with them. I'm going to go to the gym after this. Don't worry.

Yeah. That's the big thing. Once you have kids, you're really like, You Why do you guys fuck around a lot? You guys are out drinking, carrying on. Why do you guys have kids? Why do you guys have kids, man? You go, Man, I got to keep this thing afloat.

Yeah.

Well, just the queso for me. I've been in Austin for four days. I've eaten queso like 100% of the meals, including breakfast. I'm fat fuck. I'm like, I can't shit my eyes.

What are you eating that has breakfast queso?

I went to Magnolia Cafe, my favorite spot. They got great pancakes, but they serve queso all day. So I'm like, I'm here. So I was eating chips and queso and pancakes. So sick.

Yeah, I eat a lot. I was just in Chicago, and I went to the Taste Chicago. It's a big food festival. It was all fucking tacos. I'm like, Dude, that's all I eat. It's bullshit.

Somebody said last night, Austin, tacos are like pizza in New York. It's like the quick cheap.

Just grab it. There's not a lot of great pizza here.

But pizza stays enjoyable longer. I'm tired of tacos. I never hit a point where I was tired of pizza.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Pizza is so... Here's the thing, though. If you go on the West Coast, I was telling people about Friday. You have Friday Pizza Night growing up?

Every Friday, you eat pizza? Absolutely.

My friend is on the West Coast now, and he was telling people out there about that, and they were like, That's crazy. They're like, That's so bad for you to eat pizza every Friday.

Oh, I eat pizza. My diet is fucking wild. Really? I eat McDonald's a couple of times a week. Chicken parm three, four times a week.

How does Mickey D sit with you? I miss chicken parms. Is it like diarrhea right away? Or do you pass a healthy movement after Mickey Ds?

No, I'm okay. I think I'm used to. I used to do a joke in my act about this. People were like, if you don't... Someone said this to me, If you stop eating McDonald's for six months and then you try having it again, your body will just reject it. So I did it, and I'm like, No, my body was like, You're back. I took a perfect fucking double-tapered shit. It was beautiful. I love it. But again, I hate to be like, Dad guy, but it's like, sometimes the baby goes, Dad, you're exhausted that I'm like, Just give me some fucking McDonald's.

Give me something.

I live in a luxury building. I mean, again, I don't want to be that guy, but I'm doing okay. I'm embarrassed. It's like a door guy with a suit handing me my McDonald's bag. I feel like lawyers are walking by being like, Who is this fucking idiot? I do it a lot. It's embarrassing.

It's alpha, dude, because I know Warren Buffet drinks Coca-Cola. That's his big thing. Trump smashes McDonald's.

He loves McDonald's. I think Jay Leno, too, is a big fast food. Really? I think he might still be.

I swear to God, I haven't eaten McDonald's in maybe two decades.

Get yourself some McDonald's.

It's fine. I would throw up. I would, for real, throw up.

I can't eat a terrible McDonald's. Was it the last time we went to McDonald's? I got a double quarter pounder of McChicken and a McDouble and fries.

How did it sit with you?

I took a probiotic right after a little bit of it.

You're like, Huberman. He's like, I looked at the sun for a half hour and it went down perfect.

He took a probiotic?

It was like, this might balance the gut, the gut shit. No, I just shit a lot in the morning. I drink a smoothie all the time. So I woke up, crushed a smoothie. That's how I feel. Yeah, I call them health posters. I do either green juices or smoothies.

You do Yin and Yang.

Yeah, yeah. I'm exactly the same.

Do all the fucked up. I feel like it works.

I think so. I went to Juiceland this morning. I was like, I had queso four times. Yesterday, I got to have juice land, and I took a massive shot. I call it my morning Python. Every morning, just a big fucking anaconda. Just a log log. Yeah. So I think we're all right.

Yeah, how heavy will you get? Can you go? Will you get fat?

This is the heaviest I've been, but I'm working out more than I've ever worked out, and I'm also eating more than I've worked out. Nice. So I'm like 183 or something. I got dead stomach, but I look okay. You're bulking.

Yeah. And you get the muscles from carrying the kid all the time.

He wants to be carried all the time, and he won't go to this side. Maybe he's autistic. He hates this side, so it's all right on. But yeah, this is the biggest I've ever been. But I'm very long. I'm a fucking... Yeah. You know?

I just read a stat. They said 90% of autistic adults are undiagnosed.

That makes sense. They weren't checking for it.

They weren't checking for it. Apparently, it's endemic in adults. There's I got a lot of people who should have been... That now would have been screen for on the autism spectrum.

But I have a big autism thing because I just think we say it too much. Because I have a close friend whose brother is severely autistic, like what we think of. He has an iPod or an Airpods in all the time because he needs music. If you say what day you were born, he could tell you your date of your birthday. He knows what day. Also, he has to be attended. Yeah. He's got severe autistic. Then people are like, Well, say to me, I'm like, Oh, that music is driving me crazy. I'm like, I don't even hear music. You might be autistic. I'm like, I don't identify as autistic.

They spread the net pretty far now. Yeah, it just feels...

You're like, ADHD is like, autistic. They say, If you have that, you're also autistic now.

Really? Yeah. Sweet. My wife's autistic.

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to say.

Yeah, I guess me too. Ocd also is so similar. I I have OCD, but there's a lot of similarities. If you read the autism thing, I'm like, Oh, I have that, that, and that. But I'm not autistic.

What's the OCD? How does that flare up?

I have weird... First of all, I blink all the time. I do these blinks, and my arm is flexing all the time. My left arm, and I'll see something that I feel like I need to step on, or I'll do a weird foot things I need to step on stuff. Then I also drink the same cup of tea from Starbucks every day. I don't get it. I sleep very quickly, turned off. Okay. I'm getting you straws. I feel like straws are going to stab me in the eye. That is a whole bunch of handful of stuff.

It's under the radar, though. I wouldn't know.

Yeah. My wife does a joke about it. She's like, he doesn't have the OCD where he cleans. I'm like, people think I'm like, handwashing. I'm like, I'll take a piss and get off the subway and go eat a sandwich.

But you're just stepping on the cracks.

Yeah, exactly.

I can get in and not step it on the cracks. I'll still do that every now and again. It's just I'm going to be like, Let me time my steps perfectly so I don't hit these cracks.

Yeah, it's fun.

But I gave up after a while.

But yeah, so you got a problem. But then people now people are like... It's like a virtue to have... I'm embarrassed. I'm trying my hardest not to blink weird because of the YouTube comments. I can't keep my eyes open. It's crazy. I'm humiliated by it.

Yeah, it did become cool to have autism now. It's either like, you got to have something. If If you're 24 and you're like, No, I'm good. They're like, That sucks.

Yeah, yeah. No.

You got to be like... Yeah, you got to be gay or something.

Cutting is big.

Cutting. Gay cutting.

Gay cutting means...

No, I'm saying, or a minority.

Yeah.

Or a double minority.

A gay black man.

You're not gay. You're the least gay person I know.

I know, but it's too late.

I'll just be gay. I was laughing today about, especially with the podcast and ads and all that stuff. There's definitely... I would like to think that there are some border room in these startups or Spotify, where they're checking almost like a stock trading floor, they're reading comments. A lot of people are saying, The host of this podcast is gay. We got to call the magnesium powder people. Shit, they're calling them gay. They're calling them a gay Schizophrenic loser.

So how did you end up gay?

They said I was being gay. We went to LA for a week when she was doing the SP, they said, Yeah, they said LA, I was just gay in LA. I wasn't.

What was your accusing her being gay in LA for?

I did. I mean, I said I was...

This is You were cool clothes. That was what it was.

Well, I wore one shirt that's not even that cool. But what it really was is I've been, for real, for a home before my whole life. It seems like I'm talking about the kid not kissing girls and stuff. And then I grew out of it. But I still had that thing I couldn't joke gay that much. And hanging out with you all, eventually you all broke it down. And then I started trying to have fun gay jokes with you all. And then the second I did it, it was like, Yo, what the hell? Then I couldn't say anything without being sus. Then Lamair's nasty ass made sure he brought it up on the podcast. He knew what he was doing. He did. He got mad at me when we were doing Panties once because he was like, That's the name of our podcast.

But he not box your briefs.

But it's true. Also sus. Because when we were talking, I brought up him having sex with the trans. He was for real mad at that. He was like, You tried to I was like, What?

Yeah, and to be fair, I'm still riding for Lamair on this, dude.

Oh, I'm on his side, dude.

Yeah, it's hilarious. It's hilarious. He lost his virginity to a woman who then became a guy right after.

Oh, okay.

And she was like one week in the I saw a picture of her. She was hot. He, I guess now, was hot as hell.

On paper, it sounds funny. He said, I lost my virginity to technically a guy. He lost now. He lost virginity to a guy. That's the wrinkle.

He spazzed on me on panties. He was like, You were trying to be nasty to me because you brought that up. And I was like, I was being nasty after what you did to me. It was all good.

Yeah, your descendants are going to be like, Oh, shit. He was gay. He used to be gay.

He used to be zesty.

All they'll know is they'll do an AI summary. They'll be like, Your grandfather never kissed girls. Personal policy, he never kissed girls ever since he was a child. And then, he was going to be gay. Yeah, the Internet legacy will be crazy.

Yeah, it's fun.

Ancestry. Com would be so cool. Seeing all your embarrassing fucking Facebook posts. It's going to be digital.

For sure. It's going to also have your digital history.

Yeah, it'll be like... You'd sit down and get a full download, probably, a curated thing of this is what your father was up to.

Oh, it's insane to think about. Yeah. It's all the podcasts.

Podcasts, web history. Don't forget about web history.

Web history is the one.

That'll be out there.

It's just everything you've ever jerked off to is going to your kid's. If not your kids, it's your kid's kids will be up.

It'll be in your kid's Neuralink thing, and they can get a super fast flash, the speed of their synapses where it can just be like... Wow. Yeah, be fucked up.

But by then, they'll be in the weirder shit, probably. Because we keep getting weirder and weirder.

I think porn is about to grind to a halt. I'm not just saying that because I personally congen my demons. I think it's good. I don't know, man. I think it's going to be all kids are going to be... It'll be like your kid will Now it'll be like, you'll see if your kid's looking at smut because you'll have your phone's linked. I plan on daughters. I'm not worried about it, but I still might put the smut checker on there.

That app you're talking about where it's like the dad shit.

Have you ever heard of Covenant Eyes? Mm-mm. There's an app called Covenant Eyes, where you and your son can link your phone so that if anything porn-related comes up, it'll trigger... Your dad would get a notification. Oh, wow.

Does he get the same notification when you look at porn?

I think so. I think that's the covenant. I think you had it. Oh, I see. I think there's a politician who's used covenant eyes with his son. Wow. It does sound like the opposite of father-son duos who get hookers together.

Wow. I'm going to try to land in between the two. Somewhere right in the middle. I'm not going to do neither of those things.

I don't know, but I feel like you'll have it. Before, we were like, I don't think kids will have free-range open porn. I think it's going to be parents are going to put a kibosh on that.

I for real hope not. That shit was real terrible for us.

Yeah, it's not good.

I looked at like red, too, when I had to be 12 or 13 for the first time.

Yeah, I never had any porn. I was all Sears Catalog and stuff. We had magazines later.

I did Sears Catalog, and then I came In college, was when I could start downloading it, and then it was just open on the Internet my whole adult life. But not as a child. That would fuck you up. Sean, what did you discover? You were right. Mike Johnson, the speaker of the House of Representatives. Oh, I remember that. Is publicly talks about his use of COVID in eyes with his 17-year-old son. Nice. Yes. Now, will they continue it once he's 18? Will he keep the tradition alive, or will he legally as an adult be like, Father, I'm recommending we shut down our covenant? I'm not sure. I think it's a good idea. I think I've been anti-porn for a while.

I would get a burger phone if I had covenant eyes with my dad. I would just have a second cell phone. I couldn't live like that.

I thought you said burger phone, like those old phones. I thought you said burger phone, like those old phones. I thought you said burger phone, like those old phones. I thought you said burger phone. I was like, Yeah, those things are awesome.

It just calls 1-900 numbers. I mean, it is weird because it's hard to not look at porn. It's almost unthinkable. Because I've tried to stop it, and it took me three years. To finally be like, I don't need to look at it.

Yeah, and Instagram, everything makes it hard.

Yeah. I'm really looking at it. My Instagram, for real, is just like, Steroid Guys screaming at me. I don't get a lot of babes. It's just Steroid Guys fighting and arguing with each other.

No, mine's like movies, photography, and baseball. People go to their search thing, and I'm actually embarrassed by mine. It's just like, Robin Yount hit 3,000 hits on whatever. I'm like, Oh.

There's times where mine is 100% women, and it's That's the most embarrassing thing.

That's for the nature of your guys. You guys do research for your podcast.

True. That has been making it worse.

I still don't know how you pull. They do a Babe of the Week every week, and they have to explain why she's the Babe of the Week.

Sometimes it's funny, and then other times we take it too seriously. You just pick hot ladies and go, She's the hottest.

Yeah, but what does your babe say about the Babe of the Week? You tell her, Obviously, you're a babe of the week.

You're the babe of my lifetime.

Babe of the Lifetime. Has she ever even brought it up begrudgingly? Because I feel like I would get pressed in my house for that. If you have, I don't want to sow this going.

No, she doesn't. She really doesn't. She never... Anything that's comedy-related, she never... That's nice. Unless I was start talking about her too personal. It's her privacy. She knows me. We'll be watching some. She watches Real Housewives, and I go like, Whose titties are those? That's how we exist in our thing.

My wife has a rule. You don't listen to your partner's podcast. It's like reading a diary.

Yeah, I agree. That feels like the right thing. Yeah.

I've swayed my wife away from it. I was like, Just please don't watch it. And my mom, my wife and my mom, I say, please don't watch my podcast ever.

I would bet my girl listens every time she knows I'm on something.

I think about that, too. You're talking about your son getting older or your daughters, whatever, listening, seeing your history. I think that must be hard to date because you meet someone, they can immediately just go and listen to everything you've ever said. That would be scared of me being single and meeting a girl, and I'm like my charming self. And then she can put on a podcast of like, Would you eat your own dad's come for a $100? She's like, Oh, this guy's a piece of shit.

What I think, though, is if your podcast is doing well, we'll be like, great. You know what I mean? Once you sell one boner pill, they're like, yes, it's good. I don't care what the fuck this guy talks about. And there's really something out there for everyone. There's a popular podcast that Go Pretty Wild. It's like Holocaust denials become a big thing.

That's a big podcast, you're on one?

It was a move, man. There was like the last year I've seen Dan Bilzerian fucking hit the gas pedal on that. He just out of nowhere was just like, I think I'm correct. I don't know if I'm wrong, but I think he pushed the pedal on that. That's like a light speed podcasting technique. He's like, You know what, man? I'm just going to go to Holocaust. Just make a million dollars. I'm sure there's like girls out there that are like, Yeah, I'll just date this guy, and whatever. Wish him peace, and whatever. Live, laugh, love. But yeah, no, I feel like there's someone out there for everything. Yeah, I guess so. Also, there's no way. I don't know because I feel like I've talked about stuff before That's just like, I don't know. It's just not like you wouldn't bring it up at a dinner table. But if it works? I think people are like, Oh, this is great. People laugh.

Well, I have this dude. My wife, one time I was performing in Austin, her brothers live here, and her sister invited her mother to the show, and I had to step in and be like, You cannot have your mother come to my show. And her mother's a British intellectual elderly woman. Oh, no. And I'm talking about eating her asshole and stuff. I'm like, This is outrageous. I wouldn't say shit in front of her. Yeah. Like, literally the word shit.

Did she come?

No, I was like, I'm sorry. It was awkward because she's like, I guess I can't see your comment. And I want to be like, You can watch it on YouTube by yourself. It's just still horrifying.

Dude, I've done it.

I don't even know you're there.

I've had to just completely be like, Yeah, I'm going to do it. My wife will invite her grandfather one time. And I was constantly talking about my wife jerking me off, among other things. And he sat through the whole thing because I remember being like, well, fuck, I'm not going to do my thing, and you'll see how he feels. And he was pretty supportive. He was like, that was hilarious.

Oh, that's good.

What I found is people were surprisingly... My parents came a couple of times, and I thought they'd be like, what the fuck? But my mom just laughed. She's just like, you're the Yeah, my parents come.

But my mother-in-law also went and saw Nate Bargazzi, and she was like, That was terrible. He was misogynistic. You should not talk about your wife like that. And I was like, Oh, my God. She saw Nate, was like, This guy hates women. I was like, Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's interesting. If I heard that, it'd be like, oh, wow. Yeah. Although I don't know, man. I think you got a letter, Taste the Power. You should just...

That's a good name for a special. Taste the Power.

I feel like, yeah, because I Because I remember when I recorded my first special, my wife was like, Your parents are going to be there, but I won't tell you which show. So then I was like, Oh, cool. But then every show, I was like, Are they here? This one? Then I had to be like, Just tell me when they're coming, I'm just going to let it rip.

See, my parents are very... It's a very liberal language. I don't feel self-conscious around them because we swear and all that.

I was talking about, specifically, my dad getting pussy and stuff. So that was tough. I was talking about his lack. I was like, imagine a huge lack. But then I was actually encouraging my mom to maybe pony up a little bit. They just were like, whatever. They laughed through it.

Yeah, I had a joke about how my mother wanted to fuck Patrick Swayze. I watched, what's the movie? Dirty dancing when I was a kid and my mother was like, That's Patrick Swayze, which is true. And so I had a whole bit about it. And then when I did it live and they were there, I just wouldn't do that bit. But then they eventually watched my special and it's in there.

Did they say something about it?

No, she never mentioned anything, but it's true. She's a fucking... She wants Patrick Swayze. She can't. I'd hold her back. She'll still do it. She's like, Patrick Swayze, my God. It's so insane. I'm like, Why? You want to get plowed by Patrick Swayze?

So now it's even more. Women are so much hornier for dead guys than they are for later guys.

He's a good-looking man.

He was. He could dance his fucking ass off.

I always felt bad because I'm like, My dad doesn't look anything like Patrick Swayze. He must just be like, This sucks. This is what I can move me up.

Yeah, that's one of the moves he'll do to you. He's handsome. You're like, That guy looks nothing like me. Why would you do that?

I had a girlfriend, my previous girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, whatever you say. We were having a hang with some buddies, and she was like, What's your type? And she was like, I like a rugged outdoor guy, long hair. She just described just completely not me. And I was like, This is crazy.

How did you bring it up or you just let it go?

I joked about it after and she laughed and everything because I was like... She liked because I was like, funny self-deprecating guy. So I was like, That was great. And she would laugh. But at the same time, you're like, Well, that sucks. What the fuck? I guess I'm just not...

I'm so curious. I want you to hold frame on your mother-in-law. Are you familiar with frame and all that stuff? No. Dude, there's a whole... This is why my algorithm is a steroid, guys yelling. But there's a bunch of guys on the Internet who are obsessed with... There's an idea called frame. It always makes me laugh, but it's like, you dictate the pace of everything. So you go to the house, you basically... It's just like everything's up. You always drive. If your wife drives, she's definitely probably going to cheat on you, according to these guys. My wife drives all the time, and I found that out. I was like, Fuck. But yeah, frame, you can't let someone influence. If someone's influencing your actions at all, you've lost frame, according to these guys.

Well, these guys don't sound great. The world wouldn't sustain.

Dude, it even gets to the point where it's called the blue line or green line. There's a test where they analyze your photos, and if you're even leaning in towards your wife at all, she's dominating you. Which is I think that's hilarious. Oh, wow. So it goes that deep. But if anyone else is influencing your decisions, you've lost frame.

Oh, I got to check out this frame business.

Yeah, you got to get your frame. Your mother-in-law holds frame right now. You got to snatch the frame.

So next time-No, but don't you think I hold the frame? I'm like, You can't come to the show, bitch.

That's frame. Okay, that's frame.

Get out of here. You're not coming? She had tickets to my show. I didn't let her go. Frame the fuck out of that.

And you got the money from her. That actually is frame, my bad. That's frame.

I frame the hell out of her.

Fair point. I didn't think about that. You should invite her to another one and then cancel the last minute. If you did that, I think definitely you got frame for sure.

I think my wife does the leaning. She always does a thing.

She leans in?

Yeah, I'm up right.

Sucks for her.

I remember watching the thing about handshakes in politics. You always want to be the person on the outside and then turning the hand over like this. Oh, really? Yeah. That's why people will do that. They'll turn your... The upper hand is big. You're like a bitch.

Oh, shit.

I didn't know that. Then I've heard that politicians will argue on who's on what side of the photo because when you're like that, you're turning your arm like, or whatever. Oh, yeah.

You want to be this guy. You want to be this guy. That's probably where that forearm grab, brother shake comes from. I would just do those because that would suck. I didn't even think about that. You got to take the lesser.

Yeah, it's very emasculating to be like, okay.

I will say I'd imagine it as a bleak existence, though, to be constantly mapping out these moves.

Or it becomes just how you move through the world. Then you'd have to...

I can't imagine myself in a social setting where I'm taking... First of all, a handshake picture is crazy to be like, all right, hold on, get us while we're shaking. But then Being in that situation and somehow gracefully, whipping the other human to the side that I want them. I just lack-Flipping your hand. I just lack that. Yeah.

Just doing this. I'm spending around trying to figure it.

I was just at a family party this weekend, and my mother-in-law, I took my coat off, and I was just holding it and standing there by myself, and I genuinely didn't know where to put it. And I just stood there like that until my mother-in-law was like, Matt, come here. I walked over, it's like, Here, give me the coat. I saw you over there struggling. I was like, Fuck. I just completely just fritzed out and just stood there with the coach going... Until she was like, I saw that. And I was like, Oh, it doesn't make me feel any better. But here you go. Thank you.

That seems like acting like a good house guest, though. You're just not throwing it on the couch. That'll feel like no bitch.

I I would have figured out a place, but I was taking a little long, and she noticed, I guess I was awkward. Also, I'm getting better at it. I was the only white guy at the party. I'm getting better at this, man. I swear to God, it's a skill. It's like a weird thing to be like, I don't know.

Wow. It's my worst nightmare. It is. Just kidding.

Well, to be fair, I'm not great in any social setting, but once you throw, once you're a complete radical minority around it...

Another great special name, by the way. You just throwing them out there.

Again, if I was last Samurai, actually, I'd be fine. I'd be cool with that. But black people are notoriously cool. So it's like, I've learned. Here's my approach, what I've learned. You got to... I'm pretty schlubby in terms of dress code. But you do, out of respect, got to get a little tiny bit fly. Just say, a little bit fly. Just match something somewhat, just out of respect for the house.

That's hilarious.

You do it. I've been getting just a... You don't want to go full black-flops effect. That's almost like now you're a contender. If I get two fly, now it's like...

But if you get a little fly, I feel like you're right away. Everybody's like, I like Matt.

You have to get a tiny bit fly.

Do you still wear the hokas, or do you switch?

Yes, I had the hokas, but I had... They were brightly-colored hokas. And that morning, my wife bought me a fleece, which isn't the flyest, but the blue did match a blue in my shoe, and I was like, I'm ready for the party.

But my experience being around black people, being the most genuine self you can be, I feel like. Exactly, 100%. True.

Yeah. This is true.

I feel like if you try... I I posted a photo one time with New Balance sneakers and Nike socks, and that's a no-no, evidently. I didn't know that. But I think it's charming that I'm like, Whoops.

I agree.

Because if you try to be like, What's up, homie? I'm going to start off standup. A lot of people do that.

Especially starting off standup, you go to a black room where the white guy just talks different out of it.

I've known you for two years. To my credit, I would go to black rooms and talk Pokémon. I had no idea. A lot of black people watch anime, and I'm like, Man, this Pokémon shit's crushing. This is awesome. But yeah, that is funny watching people be like, Oh, man, I don't even fucking know. And you're like, Dude, why are you doing that?

No, I felt when I first moved to New York, I got in with this guy, Imagine. I don't know if you ever met that comic. I think he's Puerto Rican, but he had all these urban- His name was Imagine? Imagine. Imagine, yeah. That's great. He had all these urban rooms. I was doing all these urban shows, and I would crush because I was like, I don't have sex. It's crazy. I was like, Oh, my God. Then I would see white guys be like, What's up, motherfucker? Or whatever.

I'm just like, What are you doing? I just got out of jail.

I do feel bad for the white guys, though, who grew up around black people and didn't want to do comedy. If you're not, it's only what? You can only be what Gary Owens. True. I do.

Gary Owens is brought up to me. He's like, Is your comedy like Gary Owens? I didn't know how to navigate. I was like, Not particularly, no. So what do you do? I was like, It's different. How is it different? I was trying to think of like, I don't just talk about black stuff, though. I don't know. I didn't know how to say that to the person. I was like, Is it like that? I was Sort of. I was like, I heard he's actually a really... I actually did hear he's a really nice guy. But I had to be like, Yeah, not really. But how's it different? I'm like, I can't really say. I was like, I have to think about it for a while.

Tell your wife's whole family, it's not that black.

It's not that black. That's what I was trying to say. I think he's not as black as it is. He's way blacker than I am. I'm about as 10th as black as Gary. That's what I should have said. It's less black. More white boy crazy. But Oh, yeah. I'm getting better. I'm telling you, man, I think that was my best one yet.

I've been in my best black party I've been to.

He's killing it. I did botch. They asked me if I had a player face, and I was just like, I don't know. I don't even remember what I said. I was like, I don't know. I actually was married previously. You know I've been divorced before, but maybe between the two days, I just botched it, dude. Imagine saying that to a guy in an all red sweatsuit. Well, I got married when I was 25. Let's see. That didn't go well. I could have been like, I don't want to talk. There could have been so many other things.

Of course, I had a play with me.

Yeah, it's true. I know. I know, dude. That's why, again, you're going to think about the balls you drop, obviously, all night. I should have been like, I fucking cheat on my wife all the time. No, it was great. It was a great party for real. I had a blast. But yeah, it is. Man, that's something, man. That's a wild thing. It's crazy. I always say it to black people. It's crazy to be physically outnumbered by people who don't look like you. When they put the script on you, you go, This does change your thinking a little bit. This isn't the best. Let's reverse this back. It's Freaky Friday is over, dude. Let's get me back in the dominant position here.

I had that one time, years ago, I opened for... I don't want to say his name. I get nervous. But a black comic who was famous. We were hanging out. I thought we were friends. I mean, this person has some disorder. We were hanging out. It was all of his crew. I was like, This is great. Look at me. We were watching the basketball game, and it came down to the last play, and I was like, Any predictions? What do you think is going to happen here? And this person snapped and was like, I don't predict. I let what be be. Then he got up and started ranting about slavery and stuff. He was drunk. I was like, Well, this is a bad situation. It was me and 14 guys, and I was the only white guy. He was like, This is what the white people have been doing. And then there was a guy. I was like, Should I get out of here? He said, Oh, no, he does this. It was quite terrifying, I have to say.

Did you tell him that England ended slavery? I already went into that.

Yeah, pardon me. Actually, here's the thing. But it was... I remember, I was looking around like, Oh, if he gets these other folks on board, it could be a bad situation. I don't have any... But it was fine.

That is uncomfortable, though. I I've been in that situation where the horrors of the past rear the derogly head conversation.

That becomes the dialog, and you're like, Ah. Yes, crazy.

Sorry. Yes, it's crazy. It wasn't a global institution, but it's fucking crazy. It was practice all throughout the beginning of the time.

What I think happens with white people, that happens way more with black people, is you all will end up in a situation like that around regular black people that would feel that, act like that. But black people are never around white people that If they all get fired up, it's uncomfortable. I'm not around a bunch of rednecks. If they all started going like, See, that's the problem. But I'm just around like, Y'all.

That's a great point.

Because I was sitting there like, in my head, I'm like, Nobody's going to do nothing to you. But I can see it being like, Oh, shit, I might have fucked up.

Yeah. And then that situation, I wasn't like, I'm going to die, but it felt like, Oh, am I bumming you guys? Should I? Exactly.

Trust me.

And I I see myself getting in there if I was hanging with rednecks, just straight up country. Just because I don't know. I don't know that.

That's what it felt. It felt more like, I'll let you guys go. You guys have your thing.

I felt like that at a black church before. I'm like, Am I? Hopefully, I'm not dampening this. I want this guy to be able to do his thing, not worry about me.

I'm cool. Can't do the back flips because you're over there. He wants to do the worm, but he's like, We got a white guy here.

You do feel like a wet blanket on the situation. Well, damn it, dude. I think we got it, man.

I think we covered a lot. I think we did.

We covered a lot of ground.

I appreciate. Well, I had a breakfast with a green tea and a smoothie, so I'm about to piss my pants.

I'll let... Please, you first. I'm about to explode. How about you, Nate?

No, I'm actually cool. I didn't have my coffee. It bummed me out.

I'm really having a tough time here. Oh, yeah, you forgot your coffee. Well, is there anything you want to...

Can I plug my special? Yeah, I got a special called Small. I have four specials on YouTube. The latest one's called Small I meant to ask you about that, by the way, dude.

Maybe the most prolific dude ever.

Oh, thanks. I appreciate that. Every time I see him, I- Spread the word for God's sake.

You what?

I said, Spread the word for God's sake. I will. Tell somebody. I will. Yeah, so there's a bunch on there. I hate myself. Enough for everybody. This year's material and small ball. They're all up there. They each go down in order of views. That's good. Like 10 million, 2 million. No, that's bad. 1,8 million.

No, but dude, the prolificness. Every time it opened up the other day, I went, What the fuck?

Oh, thanks, man. Son of a bitch.

I'm trying. So I got to stop him.

No, that's amazing, dude. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Thanks for having me. This is fun. Of course.

A quick plug. Please.

Optim Noctis. Lamair might be back for that one. Me, Sean Lamair, all back again. September 16th, so next Tuesday, please, please come. Oh, and October 23rd, Helium. Helium Atlanta, please. Thank you. Please come.

Nice. Please, yeah. You go, please. I'm going to fuck my head. My head's about to explode.