Transcript of Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)

Wild wild west.

The water does smell a certain way.

What the day certain smell.

Yeah.

I think we haven't tried one yet, but I have.

Hey.

Haven't traveled yet, but I have three. I can't use Rogan's place.

Rogan Studio has them. They have the heated toilet seats and.

Yeah, the ones I got have that.

So nice.

But I've never used it. And I'm still nervous because the place I got. I can't use wipes. You can't put them in the septic tank.

Yeah, so.

So like I got bidets, but still nervous. Everyone says it's great, huh?

It's the best. You never use.

I haven't moved in yet. Never use one ever now. But also the places they tell me.

They had Gas Digital had them.

I know place I ever used. When people say that, that's always the funniest thing to me to go, dude, they have it at Gas. Did you haven't used it at Gas Digital? Like, no, I've never. Right next to the studio.

Well, it was always. Well, it was always. Because you do real ass podcasts at 11am sure. For me that's early. I wake up at like 9 and I'm always late. So you got to get that morning dump when you get to the studio.

And then bidet and then you go.

I've never tried this. What's this button?

God.

And was it awesome?

You can't believe the accuracy.

So why don't you.

It's going to hit me.

It does start every time. No matter what. I go when I first get jump a little and go.

It's a nice treat.

Bobby Kelly described. He goes, you're waiting for. Which I understand what he's saying. You're lining it up with the remote control until you hear like to go from like when your asshole starts accepting it.

Yeah, yeah, it's pretty nice.

Listen, I'm excited to try. I just, I don't. I still don't fully get it.

It's just water.

See the concept. But how could it be strong enough that you're really getting that clean?

Oh, it's strong, bro.

It would go like 7ft in the air.

Really?

Yeah.

I would say about official gage, about a Super Soaker 50.

Yeah, I'd say 2550. Come on, man, try to catch a lawsuit.

2550 is crazy. So yeah, the basic one.

Yeah. Toys R Us basic. But no, it hits you, man. I would advise you to start cold. Warm's kind of indulgent. Warm's borderline sexual.

Warm.

Sexual warm water Hitting you is like, you might as well fap. It's kind of sexual. So start cold, Matt.

You couldn't be closer to the truth. It's real sexual.

I don't know if I would choose cold water to go up there. If there's a hot. A warm water option, you're gonna want warm, bro.

You're end up. Everyone ends up warm.

Anyone goes warm. I don't know why it's making me cry. It's very funny.

I think on the. Yeah. I'm still a wipes guy on the road. I just can't believe that most of the time just paper for you.

Just raw dog. Yeah.

I did that for a very long time until people. Enough people were just like, what are you doing?

Yeah, I get the wipes.

Wearing peanut butter around your ass.

They tell you it's.

It'll your up, but only if you have. Well, here's a couple things going on. There was no signs here when you moved in.

No.

That said don't put wipes in the toilet. Fire away.

Also, I run through those things and then just don't go back to the store.

Wow.

So I'll get. I get like once a month old. And then Lemaire had a pack in the back he was plowing.

Is your life house organizer in a sense, like one thing?

No, not one bit.

One thing about Christine I gotta give her always is you just go run along wipes. And then like an Amazon thing of 20 packs of wipes show up.

Yeah, yeah, we have the. That can work against me though, because I'm like, yeah, we need to get garlic powder. Did you add it to the grocery list? And I'm like, shut the up. Yeah, you do the grocery list. I mean, it is a great system.

Yeah. Jay, don't come in here girlfriend bragging like that. Do not make me make fun of my girlfriend.

It was more assistant. It was more of the assistant skills.

Yeah. Was a girlfriend brag. And now I had to put my girlfriend down with her lack of skills skills. It's.

It's. Yeah, you. You get. My baby didn't have those house skills. It took a while.

Yeah, you had.

You had to learn how to use like different parts of the iPhone. Notes. The notes app lot to that thing.

Man. I take notes. Take notes sometimes.

Do you?

If Gardini says something funny when he's drunk, I write it down and then send it to him the next morning. You remember when you said this? Everyone will know I'm right. 2:30 in the morning on a Thursday. That's a garden again.

You know, it's a fun thing. You ever go, I've written several things. I don't do it in years. Which is why it's still sort of fun, because they're still from so long ago. But my phone notes, when I had intentions of like, oh, yeah, like, this is a funny concept.

I got it.

And whatever the keywords, you write those, you see a thing, it's like, yes, it's a gay pizza.

Yeah.

The. Does that even mean, like, those keywords would drive me to, like, when I got back home, like, all right, now, what was my thing with gay pizza?

Yeah. Before the show, you're like, I don't have any material. Let's go back into the archives. Ah, gay pizza.

Gay pizza.

Yeah.

It sounds as bad as when somebody walks up to you and does like the.

You know.

So if someone else will use gay pizza, can you do something with that?

I got a premise for you.

Gay pizza.

Yeah. I always think, I'm like, I'm gonna go back there one day and there's gonna be something I wrote a long time ago. And I'm gonna go, oh, my God, this is genius. And I just look at. I'm like, I'm a dumbass.

I'm one of the dumbest.

Most of it repeats seven times. I'm like, yeah, I've written this down five times. I still don't know what it is.

Rape, comma, sometimes. Fun question mark.

Oh, 3:30 in the morning on a Wednesday.

Yeah.

Good work.

Good.

Was I 20? 19 Shane. Good job.

But yeah, they're never. There's never something where I feel like I could go back and go, oh, yeah, let me expound upon that.

Never once.

Nope, nope, nope, nope. Never. Although I have lost some great ones, man. Right before bed, I go, I'll definitely remember that. And I wake up and go, oh, it was so good.

Nothing.

It would have changed everything.

Yeah. Long drive in a car. Say it over and over to myself three or four times and then like, you get next day. Exactly. You're like, I was something about something.

Long driving a car. I go, this is gonna be good. I'm gonna get some material out of this rap. Three straight hours. I didn't have one thought the entire.

Drive, but you got the premise. It wasn't rap. Great.

Yeah, dude.

I started smoking weed again in hopes of, like, it'll jar of some new ideas. It's the same thing. I just got like confused in the grocery store and I was just like, this is not.

We just had nice groceries we did. We had a Whole Foods day.

Same time.

Yeah, dude.

I. I was getting let out, personally. I got. I got very high and listening to Led Zeppelin in the grocery store, and it was. I mean, Led Zeppelin was way better than I remembered it. I was like, I think I'm over this. I'm almost 40 now. That was, like, stuff when I was a kid, dude. I always listen to Led Zeppelin, too. I was like, this is might be the greatest album of all time.

You put me back on. You were like, I let the let out. I said, I gotta let that out, dude.

It was crazy rocks. I. For real, I'm not lying. I was walking towards the cheese aisle, the grocery store, and at one point, like, they hit drums. I almost went in, like, kicked. I was up. I was playing, dude. I was up on stage. I almost kicked and signaled the drummer.

Yeah, My Whole Foods experience was much like my experience at the mall. I literally. I was like, I'm gonna go to the grocery store. I got there, I was like, I don't even know what I want.

I don't even want.

I got chicken and bacon and eggs and left. That is why I spent $30 and. Yeah.

Do you scan every aisle? Are you start produce?

Dude, I walked around.

You're at a weed. It's a big thing being. Yeah. If you could smoke weed and go to the store, you start thinking ahead more.

Yeah, you're planning ahead.

Yeah, true.

You're like, I'm definitely gonna want fluff at some point. I've never bought it ever, but, like, should have it.

I did. It edges every aisle four times. I just walked. I do, like, the outskirts usually. Then I just started hitting every aisle while I was jamming. And then, like, would be like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna need an onion. I'd go all the way back to the other side, get an onion.

You're gonna need that onion taco.

The things I end up, like, hoarding because I don't realize we have them. You buy too much are a great, like, probably, like, four different kinds of pickles in my refrigerator.

Yeah.

No meat, but four different jars of pickles that have been, like, opened at different times. Yeah. Well, listen, you need stackers and you need spears, but after that, you start just getting gluttonous.

Fuck, I forgot the spears.

I forgot the spears. Spears, the ducks.

I gotta head back to the store.

Hey, are these bread and butter chips? Because I said pickles.

I. Dude, I will say. I think I. I don't think it's any good. But I. I just Smoked weed all weekend. Being like, I gotta come up with something funny. And then I went. I actually went to a gala last weekend. It was. Brittany planned it months and months ago, and I. I got very high and went to that. And it was the only thing I keep. We're. People are talking about school. Like. Yeah, I started school in September, but I was like, held back because I wanted to be the older person in the class. And I got.

These are adults saying this?

Yeah, we're just talking about, like, getting like if you got held back. And I was like. I just, like, muttered to Brittany. I was like, I got held back in the fourth grade because my dick was too big. I laughed for 30 minutes.

Write it down. Dick too big for fourth grade. She was like, that'll come in handy in eight months.

She's like, why would you get held back? I was like, dude, you're ruining it, dude. It's just funny. He's like, I gotta help back too.

Why?

Because my dick too big.

Yeah.

What's a gala?

It's just a thing where you get dressed up and then they just make people. They like, ask people for money, basically. Oh, it was like. There it was. It was like a domestic violence thing. And then they had cowboys come out.

And be like, the auctioneer guys.

Yes.

Anti.

You remember those?

Anti. Yes. It was not.

Almost got us. We were at the Longhorn, the Texas Longhorns thing, and they did. The auctioneers. You can bid first on one of these.

You can.

And he was like, 50 grand. And then no one was bidding for like a minute. And I was sitting next to him like, oh, what? Yeah. I was like, I'll pay terrify. You gotta start $50,000.

No.

And people were.

It starts at like 2. That's. That's the move to raise your hand for the. Knowing it's going 100 bucks.

$1.

Yeah.

Dude. What was it on? Will you.

It was like a vacation with a coach.

Coach.

Coach Sarkeesian to a cabin.

Yeah, it was like a boys vacation in the cabin with an adult. Man.

You don't know Coach Zark.

Well, there'll be like a 32 person trip to Orlando.

Just LA.

It's like what.

The Just Lair, dude.

What they did on it, it was actually kind of. It's kind of sick. So they had this trip. They had the bid up to 15,000 bucks and they had four people and they went, you, you, you, you all get it right away. And they all had to get one for 15 grand.

I was like, oh, that hurts.

Yeah, it was Exciting. The cowboy bittersworks.

It was nice.

That was fun.

Yeah.

But try not to laugh for a.

Half thing at the gala.

Oh, I told Brittany. I said, bro, not a.

How much was she trying to raise a hand?

I told her before we went in, and three times I saw her elbow move, and I said, I will storm out. I want that. I will. It's just like, we could have that.

It is.

It's kind of a girl trap because it's like they pop, you know, confetti on you, and it's like, you know, the pricing makes no sense. It's perfect for them.

Yeah.

Like $30,000. Yes. It's like, you know, I. I was.

What are the objects?

The objects. They were like, pretty intense vacations. And they will be like the. Sleeps like 18 people. So I guess you could try to get people in on it, but just. It was vacations. What else was it? It was like, trips. There's a quail hunting trip or dove hunting trip in South. South Africa. You could go shoot birds in South Africa.

God bless the person who, like, goes like. Like, figures out a vacation, like, package in a moment of someone going, like, all right, Turks and Caicos. Got a nice little cabana on the beach. $50,000. Honey, you want to go to Turks Caes right now? Yes, yes.

Let's get 20 of our friends. You'll agree on this.

Dude, you have to sort that out so much before you raise your hand.

Dude, it's. It was.

Everybody I know will go to that.

When I say we got a little Turks and Caicos. Definitely on this date.

It was more the elders. The older people were snagging all these crazy things.

Oh, they got to do everything before they die.

Yeah, they. Yeah, they were. They were definitely hitting them up. But it was the. I will say, gala energy. It's very. A lot of the dudes there. It. It like, struck me as, like, guys who are, like, expecting blow jobs at any minute. Just like the face. They were. They're sitting there, like, face like they knew they were getting their dick.

Everyone's dressed up.

Exactly.

Your penis is going to be in a mouth.

It was a lot of pre head energy. That was the one thing. And it was, you know, it's not good nor bad. I was just saying, like, man sexual energy. Very sexual.

Everyone's laughing, drinking, spending money.

I mean, if you.

The trophy wives and like.

Yeah.

Prostitutes.

Yes, pretty much. And if you can get, like, you know, if you get women in a dress, that is step one.

Yeah, this is fancy.

Yeah, that is Kind of step one to kind of possibly getting hit.

It's Valentine's Day.

Bringing your wife makes sense. Bringing your girlfriend. But bringing the stuff people bring escorts to when escorts are doing the actual job they say they're doing. When you heard about escort, you know, it's like, well, you're paying me for my time. Whatever happens, like, it's like, we can go to dinners. And you're like, yeah, I used to drive them. I used to drive them. And I'll tell you what, they weren't going to any galas. They were going in the front of a house I thought was abandoned to get fucked by a guy whose arm is always broke or has polio.

You should drive hookers.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

What does that make you in the pimp hierarchy? Were you, like, you're a wheelman wheel man, just.

But technically, they're protective, protecting them in, like, the strippers more. They were all, like, strippers and prostitutes for the most part. But the strippers was a scarier job because you have to go in and, like, make sure everything's, like, kind of okay.

Oh, you did, like, the bachelor party guy who, like, went in and, like, counted the money.

Yeah, yeah. The pros, the prostitutes. Whereas you just drive up out front and they go in and they'll be like, if all goes great, I'll be. You know, it's supposed to be there for, like, an hour. They're like, I should be out in 15 minutes. And, like, they usually would, but the one time I drove someone outside of Pennsylvania, someone out, it was outside of Philly. I drove a girl one time, like, we picked up. It's also the thing you get to see, like, the. This is not. Like, this guy's definitely not going to be happy. You know, when you're driving someone out. I picked them up, and I was like, unless this guy. There's no way this guy picked her. This is like, before, like, Internet was everything. So you weren't. You were going on, like, a Yellow Pages call or, like, I guess like, the.

You had the rhino in the car. You had to see Bob and Rocksteady in the car. Do you guys ever get caught in sex traffic?

I don't know. I didn't.

If it were Bubba to Bumper, that would be sex traffic.

Sex traffic. But we. I drove this girl I knew. She was like. I'm like, this guy's not gonna like her. She was like. We drove this nice neighborhood, and this girl was, like, gothed out. Like, big, heavyset chick, real milky skin. It was just a Look, that I'm certain the guy who lives here was not going for. And she goes, are you sure you.

Weren'T trying to hog being like, this guy's not gonna be into you. You should actually just be.

Let me get you away from all this.

Yeah, that's what I did when I was catering.

Yeah.

You're gonna take one of the parms. You know what I mean? If I'm driving a hooker, I'm gonna go, come on. I'm gonna kiss. One kiss, they're never gonna know. Give me a little smidge.

Well, the first guy ever drove. Well, I'll go back to that in a second. But this girl, she went inside the. She went to the guy's house, and I'm just waiting in the car. And then she comes back, like, three minutes later.

What?

And she goes, he said that I'm not what he was expecting, and blah. And he sent me what I was. I was like, I saw coming. And she goes, and now, no matter what, the guy's got to pay X amount for me. Yeah. For the drive, whatever. It was like, 25 bucks. That meant the world to me at the time, for sure. And so she was like, he's not. She goes. I was like, oh. I was like. So he just gave you, like, the. You know, the cancel money or whatever? And she was like, no, he wouldn't give me any money at all. And I was like, shit, I just gotta hedge the bets, you know? I'm like, what does this asshole look like? Cause you're waiting to hear, like, hey, so I can go find him. But, like, I'm really just asking. I'm like, this worth 25 bucks to me to go knock on this guy's door? And she was like, he's like this little, like, nerdy whatever guy. So I was like, oh, good, good. So I go. I knock on the door, and I was like. And she kind of came with me, which I didn't think was a good idea.

And he opens the door. You know, it's kind of like, I don't want, like, trouble thing. And I was. I was like. I was like, no, man, you just gotta, like. You have to. You're supposed to give, like, 50 bucks, I guess, like, 25 for each of us or something like that. And he was like. He's like, oh, well, I don't. He was basically being a dick. He was like, I don't have the money. And I'm like, buddy, you got to give it. And then she just busts the door open and started like, unhooking his vcr. Well, I'm taking something with me or something like that. Like, I got her not to do that. Ultimately, she was planning on walking out there with something. And then having to drive a rejected hooker home is such a hilarious, like, conversation.

Yeah.

She's like, actually, I probably went in there with a bad attitude because I didn't want to fuck him. Like, sure, yeah, yeah, sweetheart, you got it.

But I'm glad I didn't get his vcr. I didn't even want it, dude.

The first girl I ever drove, I remember being, like, impressed by her because she. She was just pretty.

One of you, like, 12. And this is just your paper route.

I was like. I was 18. I like, damn. 18 or 19. I only did this for a very short amount.

How'd you get this gig?

My friend Ernie was dating a girl whose dad was just, like. Probably, like, weird connected shit or something like that. And it was like, they had a guy who, like, stripper was supposed to just be strippers, ultimately. And, like, oh, yeah, you just go there and whatever. I found out very quick because the guy was like. All the other drivers for this company were like, old men. I remember asking the guy one time, like, how the fuck.

Yeah.

It's like, am I the only. And I feel like I'm in danger a lot. And he was like, well, he goes, they have guns. Like, you don't have a gun? And I was like, no. And he was like, do you want one? And I was like, no. He's like, you sure? I'm like, yeah, dude. Because I get too nervous. I'm gonna pull out way too early because I'll be nervous. It's always, like, 15 guys. You know what I mean? I've had him say things like, you're supposed to stop him so we do anything. And I'd be like, yeah, me and this guy, I'm supposed to stop. I'd be in a circle already, pointing at everybody. John Wick, both hands. Yeah.

It was terrifying at a bachelor party in the Poconos.

No, I was always last. Same company as the one I did the dressing up at kids parties for.

That was the funniest.

What?

Hold on. I know you've told this story a million times, but can you please tell us that story?

Which.

The dressing up and there's a couple of the Elmo.

The Elmo? Yeah.

The Elmo is the Elmo.

Yeah. Yeah.

Just let me get that story.

That was the first one they sent me to. The guy was like, hey, if you want to make more money. I also. During the day, the stripper company does kids parties. We dress up as the costumes. Same guy. You go to the same guy's house with his fucking koi pond and pick up the fucking bag. The trash bag, mind you. Full of costume. That was, like, not the licensed ones, I guess you'd say.

You know, they were like knockoff Elmos.

So I was Elmo, and they sent me. I was the last call for the stripper thing. And this like, you know, we need somebody. Our main guys can't do it. So I always got the shittiest gigs. And I mean, like, real. Like, North Philly, like, scary places to go. And I went as Elmo right away. No one's happy to see me. They're like, why is a white guy with a garbage bag coming to our front door? And then they let me in, and I was like, yeah, I'm doing the. I'm here for the kids fighting Elmo. And they go, all right, go change in the back. It's sweltering hot. It's like summertime. I put on the Elmo costume, and then I come out to start, and they. I tell them, like, you know, they're telling me to do the Hokey Pokey, but I was giving her. I gave her, like, a CD you have to, like, put in. And she was like, we ain't got no play out here. Just do the Hokey. She keep yelling, do the Hokey Pokey at me, which is a funny thing to be yelled at. And, you know, I got a little screen.

I'm like, Ms. Sort of the Closer, you know, like the Okie Pokey with all the kids. And then whatchamacallit. This, like, this little girl, this little black girl, like, Barrette's nerds. You're so cute. Like, it was a moment where I was like, oh, this is cool. Like, this gig. Because she did, like, the hug. Hug my leg and love you, Elmo. And. And then kids, like, bad kids, you could tell were coming in the block on bikes, and they came to the party, and while this girl's literally hugging my leg, the kid was like, yeah, that ain't the real Elmo. And she's like, yes, it is. And he's like. He's like, no, it ain't. And he starts looking through the grill.

Get out of here.

Yeah, I'm going, come on, kid. And he just lifts the sleeve up of the thing and screams. He goes, elmo's white.

Dude. That's like being in shark age.

The mom came over. And she was yelling at the kid. That is like, she goes, no, this is Elmo, honey. This is Elmo. And the little girl's getting upset.

And then the kid.

And the kid just pointed out. You're almost going like, hey, kids, stop. And he goes, if that's the real Elmo, why is he wearing FUBU sneakers? Which I was sick. FUBU sneakers. And then the kid said. He goes. He goes, let's see if Elmo has nuts. And then I couldn't find him out of my little screen. And I was turned and then he just launched me. And like, no repercussions. I mean, like, like. But no but like his, like the.

Top of his toe.

He kiss the top of his foot. Hit like my ass. Crap. Like, he was. He got in it.

Let's see if Elmo has balls. And look into his green. Like.

Yeah, it was like Hurt Locker sweat going on.

Look like Iron man in his basket.

You wouldn't expect a from behind nut kick. That was truly a master. That was a young matron. No, no, not.

Not from behind. It was from the front. You got from the front. It was so in there.

Like, Gooch.

That is crazy, though, to leave like a. I'm presuming a slightly up household spy out. I'm ruining this.

I have less scary stories from the stripper thing than. Than the kids parties, dude. The kids. The. When one time I went and the owner of this company would say, whatever to sell.

So we got some plumbers here. They're going wild.

The owner of the company house getting all your poops out. The. The owner would do anything to sell the gig.

Yeah.

So I was just. I was going to be as Winnie the Pooh to a kid's party. North Philly. And I get in there and then the guy goes. As soon as I get there, the guy. The guy goes. As soon as I get in there, it's like. He goes, yo, where's the presence in balloons? And I was like. Which I thought was even a weird thing that someone would ever believe that's gonna happen. I'm like, you wanna just bring random presents for your job? I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl or what. And he's like, well, I was told you'd bring presents and balloons. So I was like, well, I'm sorry, I'll go. Let me call the company. And I called the guy and the guy was like, yeah, I just said, because you're there already. Like, they're gonna.

Oh, he was like.

He was like, he was like, yeah. No, he said he told him not to bullshit him. He goes, put him on the phone. And now, like, I didn't know this was the scam. Put them on. And now we'll take a couple bucks off, but you're already there.

And I was like, oh, my God.

Okay, so, like, it's also crazy to.

Be like, yeah, we don't need to get the presents. Winnie the Pooh is going to come, bring all the presents. Decorations.

They said they would. That would.

Yeah, he said, he's winning. The Pooh's gonna bring presents. Like, what?

Damn.

So the guy was like. He gets him on the phone, he's like, all right. And I go into this house and it was like the. Do you remember the party in Menace of Society where Kane beat the guy who was talking shit about Jada Pinkett?

No, not really.

It was like that party, okay, gives.

Me a good idea.

Multiple dice games going on. Two babies in high chairs, eating Cheerios. The only children at this party. And it's one of those kids birthday. So when I go in, the guy was like. I was like, where could I change? He goes, go upstairs. Is it bad?

No, it.

He was like, go upstairs and change in the bedroom. So I went up to a bedroom and closed the door. And it was.

Sorry, my plumbers, they're just drummers.

Yeah, they're just.

Yeah, they're all right.

They figured out dukes, dude.

They're sorting it out.

Sorry to interrupt.

No, sorry.

So you're up in the bedroom.

I go up in this bedroom, I close the door and the guy's like, don't close that door. And I was like, I already did. And he was like, the door, like, when you close it, it won't open.

Oh, no.

So now I have to wait for them to take the door off the hinges. And I was. It was funny. Like, the door, it literally fell like an old Philly. Like, yeah, yeah, this heavy ass door, like they take off hinges and it goes on. It hits the bed. Like the dust comes up and I'm literally standing there holding a Winnie the Pooh. Like. Like the right stuff. Like I'm holding an astronaut's helmet. Like, let's go.

You were dressed as Pooh does? Not with the head on yet.

Yeah, no, no, head on. And then I went downstairs and I gave the guy again the CD to put in for the Hokey Pokey songs or whatever. And the guy goes, just dance to what's on, which I do recall was Dr. Dre's 2001. Chronic. Damn. So I just, like, Hokey Pokey dance to that for two kids in high chairs for like a half hour or so. And then it was. And the guys was doing their thing and kind of not paying attention to me. And then I was like. I was like, oh, man. He goes, kids are adorable. Like, thanks so much. You know, sorry about the miscommunication earlier. I go, I'm going to go upstairs and change back into my clothes and get out of here. And he was like, nah, man, just get out of my house. I thought he was, like, being playful first. I was like, yeah. I go, I know. Because the thing before, he was like, man, I'm done. Just get the fuck out. And I was like, well, I got to go change. And he was like, not here. And so then, not thinking, I took the head off to be like, yo, man, come on.

Like, not like to start shit with him, just almost to plead, like, buddy, come on, let me check. And then the kids started fucking screaming. They just saw Winnie the Pooh remove his skull. And then they physically pushed me out of the house. And I ran to my mom's Winnie the Pooh. I ran to my mom's Chevette, and I drove a stick shift home with Winnie the Pooh hands on.

Where was. All your clothes are in the house.

I had the bag. They were in the bag and stuff. But it's like, my trash bag of my clothes instead of Winnie the Pooh. But that was a hilariously, far more scary job.

Yeah. Some fucking bullshit, man.

Because most of the time, the strippers were just. There was only one stripper I drove that was, like, genuinely putting herself through med school. Like, the actual story that you always hear, like, she was really doing it, which was. Made her not a good stripper, because that was what she was. The girl that every time they were like, this guy's touching my tit. I'm like, you have it in his mouth.

Yeah, you're a stripper.

She's like, go fight this guy. He's doing this. Please, you have to let him touch your butt.

You'd have been like, you have a bright future ahead of you. I don't ruin your medical school.

But the first girl I ever drove in that, I think her real name, her fake name or real name was Candace. Whatever it was, I drove her. She was really cute. And we went to a party, a bachelor party, and she was like, they're sawing now. Are they sawing pipes?

Yeah. You want to pause for a minute?

Sure.

Yeah.

Sorry.

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

We love Better help.

Love Butterhelp. As nice as it would be to.

Help with the butter Butter help.

As nice as it would be, you don't have all the answers. Prompt for a host rift. I struggled with that. I personally, I don't like to get into this, but I struggled with deep sexual feelings for amphibians until. Until I got help from better help. And we overcame that struggle because they were like. It was like a stern father. Like, oh, you want to smoke cigarettes? Well, how about you do a hundred of them?

Yeah. You want to have sex with frogs all the time?

Butterhelp said, how about you do a hundred of them? Tough guy.

Box of 100 Frogs. And you don't come out of that room until you cream by every one of those mouths.

I said, butterhead, it's important that you have a good support system. You know, people you can go to on the going gets tough. Like a therapist from Butter Hill. They're always nice to have in your corner because there are times when you can't go to your family or friends.

You can't tell your family about those frogs. You can't tell anyone about that. You got to go to Butter Hill. You gotta get on a zoom call and go, I want to. Frogs, they go, holy. We gotta help.

I need to trust a professional. Oh, my God.

Yes.

We already rift. We rifted our things. That helped us. Therapy is great because, I mean, dude, it just. After I stopped my whole thing with those amphibians, my social skills were much more positive. I overcame those problems and I learned how to reach out. I learned how to reach out for help in a safe space. So if you want to try. If you want to give therapy a try and you're not sure where to begin, check out Butterhead.

Still can't. Still can't really go near any bodies of water, you know?

Really?

Yeah. Because of the. Due to the possibility of a frog. If you don't send me into a friend.

Oh, bro, trust me. When you're on the edge of a pond and you don't even see the frog, but you hear it jump into the water, I go, I just want to.

Oh, yeah, catch it thing out.

Hopefully I kiss it, it turns into a prince. Guys, check out BetterHelp. It's fully online. So easy to get started. And they have access to a wide range of credentialed therapists, over 30,000 with all sorts of different special.

That's good.

Yeah. Guys, Guys. Sorry, boogers.

It's all right.

Check out Build your Support system. Build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.commssp to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E-L-P.commssp yeah, and all jokes aside.

Better helps a great company. Company. Yeah.

Dude, they do rock with us.

Yeah, they do rock.

Thank you.

Butter Hill. Butter Hill. Hey, we just got back from that fantastic ad read.

Yes.

Seriously, that is the best underwear or something.

Yeah, it was the best dick pill.

Underwear probably isn't addictive.

No one's gonna think you're a loser this time. Dude, I. You guys, I always associate Kratom with Gas Digital.

How could you not?

And then I came down to Austin presents guests.

You guys are like the sacklers of crazy.

But then I came down here in Austin and it was one of those like Huberman said it works type like. I don't think he did, but like that type of mindset. Because down here that's what everyone is.

Crazy.

No, but like Huberman dads. Huberman, like Zinn is actually a neurotropic dude. So it's good for you like that. Okay, one milligram a day. You can't just enjoy anything. It's got to be science.

Yeah, yeah.

You can't just go. Yeah, but they like Kratoms. They were just Kratom in nice bottles in the green room.

We put this cradle under.

The fuck are you guys doing?

Have we put this under the Rogan Scope yet?

No, it was under there.

It was like. Joe, get your loop. This is different.

Yeah, it's cool.

They do have little Kratom like five hour energy type things.

Those are awesome. The only one Josh Edemyers got me to try was little. I think it's Ohms or something. It's called. It's like this big. It's a drink. I mean you shouldn't drink at all. It's this big. If you drink it all, you will. I believe like opiates get violently nauseous for five minutes or so and then it's great.

Oh, nice.

When the energy goes away. Awesome.

It's a ride. Yeah.

I wrote three full Nirvana albums. New music too. I just know it's theirs.

Oh man.

Yeah. So before we left, you said you were.

You had the prettiest first girl I ever drove.

Yeah.

Very pretty. Yeah. And so. And she was so pretty that I was like. You know, the self soothing of like what she's doing is actually great.

Yeah.

Because we went to this party and I always remember the thing was she had A. She's all right, guys, we're gonna play a game. She controlled the room too, which I thought, that's hilarious.

We write back after another ad from.

Heroin after these words from.

That's crazy.

Heroin.

Timing's unbelievable.

That was wild. It was pin drop.

It was. It was quiet.

Yep. And we're back.

As you were saying.

First trip I ever drove.

It's coming. It's coming.

Sorry, guys. Gotta do some light belt sanding.

Yeah, it's on me. Hand up accountability. Honestly, I was told they'd be out of here.

It's all good, dude.

So, yeah, the first car I ever drove, we went to this place. Said she was controlling the room, which I thought was like. Again, I just thought she was pretty. So I was just like. And I'm the person driving her. So you're like, am I falling in love with this girl? And she's. She looks good. And then she starts doing this thing that's so raunchy. But again, I liked her so much that I thought it was a brilliant business thing. I've talked about this, where I'm like, smart move. This is called something in business. What she just did what she was. She would go, all right, guys, we're playing this game, $5, $10, or $20. And it was like, for $5, so she rolls it up like a Coke straw, whatever you give her. And then she'll put it, like, in her pussy, basically. But she keeps her fingers, like, at the base. Do you know what I mean? And so it's like, for $5, she puts it in a little bit for 10, a little bit more, and you take it out with your mouth out of her pussy. You're making the right face.

I. If you were wondering if you're making the right face, you are.

How's it going?

He goes, okay, well, you got. Here's the problem with any kind of story of a bachelor party. Your mindset, there will tend to be different, I think. You know? I mean, when everyone's involved, you're hearing it later. You're like, ugh, money in a pussy. And then money in my mouth. Like, all those things are wrong. And then my mouth near money, near a hooker pussy. This is all bad. But Everybody did the $20 because it would be the closest. But the funny thing, I was always like, what's crazy? Because no matter how much you put in there, you could fit it in your mouth. And you. You're only getting as close as her fingers. Like, you're never actually getting closer to her.

Yeah.

Every guy did the 20, and I was like, genius.

Well, it's funny to be. Let me do the five.

I'm gonna stay on the periphery. Yeah, it's crazy.

I'll just take a fiverr. Let me just, like, get, like. Let me feel the warmth of it.

He goes, let me get a $5 smell in there.

And what about three fives?

That'd be the move I'm gonna do. I'm gonna back to back 30 fives.

That is the move. But you're right for. For $20 and fives, you could go four times and get the same experience.

Can you inhale the air through the bill?

I assume you could if you wanted to.

Just scuba a little bit. Scuba, siphon.

Take it. One deep hit.

Yeah. If something comes through, the straw is freakier too.

Oh, no.

What is that? Toilet paper crumb.

This is bad news.

Sure, that'd be. That'd be a bonus.

But anyway, I thought she was. I thought she was an angel sent from heaven to do that.

I've never been at a bachelor party. That was crazy.

We went. We had one where there was. I think I told you about it. There was a lady who had just visibly must have just given birth not very long ago, but she had, like, that skin. And we were all calling her Brain Belly. Dude, you go get a lap dance from brain Belly. But yeah, they. It was actually.

Well, this girl. This girl on our drive home, sometimes.

Guys get it and they didn't even give. But whatever.

When I was driving her home, she goes, we stopped at a 7 11. I remember she goes in and she bought one of those, like, single individual roses for herself. And I was like. I'm like, what's that for? And she goes, it was just this sad. Like, I always buy myself flowers at the end of a work night because I deserve it. And then I. And then I. Now, this must have been so creepy for her. I dropped her off at her house. Next day, next day, show up at her house for flowers. And I go, you deserve someone else to give you flowers. And by the way, she could have been looking back more. Like, if my abusive boyfriend sees you here, I'm gonna have to ship you that way. She was like, thank you. Thanks so much. And I'm like. And I just think that you should know. She's like, cool, thanks. Like, bye.

She shoved my pussy. She's like, see you later.

Yeah. I go, so if I should have.

Brought a $5 bill.

Yeah.

Instead of flowers, you should have one.

Moment of your time with this $5 bill. So damn, skip ahead. I started doing comedy. I was doing comedy already, but I. You know, that's like a job I would do, like, kind of infrequently. But, yeah, when I needed money, I would take it. And so you can just call in the Yellow Pages, any of those places at the time, and be like, hey, do you need a driver? I've done it before. They'll be like, sure. Most of them will be like, sure. Can you start tonight? So this guy, I called some guy on the phone, I was like, hey, you looking for drivers? I have experience. He goes, yeah, he goes. The way he does it is you hang out at his house, this guy's apartment, and wait for jobs to come in while the girls sit there with you. So I go to this guy's apartment not far from where my mom lives. It was just a couch, a tv, and bodybuilding trophies everywhere. The guy was just like a totally huge Jack guy, nice enough guy. And he goes, all right, so you got a gig. You're taking these two girls. One's this Asian girl, one's my cousin, okay?

So the Asian girl shows up. She's nice enough. The cousin comes. It's the fucking girl. The first girl I ever drove is his cousin. She now, by the way, this girl who was like, so hot. We take her to this, or I take her to this party.

She's brain belly.

Everyone, not brain belly. Everyone's, like, into this Asian girl. She's very pretty. And then this girl, they're like. You hear the guys making jokes about her, and she was all, like, pale now, and her asshole was brown and dark.

She had, like, an old dog that.

Came off of guys, little tiny boys.

And they're being mean, and I'm almost. You have that thing where I'm like. I'm like, don't know. You don't know what? She's like. This is. She's in a rough patch or something.

Yeah.

You have Defender? You don't talk to her?

No, but she did look, buddy. Busted. And it was funny. That was my luck because people ask if I ever. Any of the strippers ever on that gig. We went back to the cousin's house, and it was just me and her waiting for another gig to come in. And that night she started, like, digging her toes. Like, she was, like, laying on the couch, and she was, like, digging her toes, like, under my thing, kind of like. And I was like, I mean, not here at your cousin's house. I was like, dude, she has something now for sure. And I never Saw her ever again. Probably dead. Yeah.

Yeah, that is. That's the crazy thing with, like. Like, only fans and all this stuff. Like, it does. I'm not, like, being puritanical about it, but it doesn't seem to really work well for women psychologically. Like, they crash hard.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Female porn stars. I was.

No, we all thought that Jenna Jameson was, like, the example of, like, look, you could do it and kind of get mainstreamed and not, like, lose your sense about you. And then, you know, they have the video of her in night vision, like, breaking all the cameras in her house. You ever see it? She's, like, climbing ladders. My business like a raccoon just busted.

She was like, a 90s porn star. Now it's like, I feel like the hard, hardcore stuff back then is, like, expected now.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

You know what I mean? Hold on. I think they're doing a little slot back there. I think he's breaking up one of them back there.

I think the toilet's just exploding. What is it? Is there anyone in there? No.

What the.

I got. I kind of want to see this.

Yeah, go check it out.

You got to go see the smoking.

I gotta see the smoking. Toilet break. See that?

Oh, to make sure it was smoking.

Smoke looks good.

Toilet back there.

Toilet back there.

Yeah, it was smoking big time.

Oh, yeah.

Straight through the water.

It's not great.

He goes, oh, I thought smoke was good.

Oh.

Smoky, this house.

Smoked turds.

There's been turds trapped in the walls since day one. Turds are everywhere.

That was.

I've never.

I've never heard a plumber once do that.

No, she's never been to a bachelor party. It was a wild one.

Ever. No, no.

With like. Like, college friends and stuff now?

No, never went to the crazy one.

I've been to.

The craziest one was. I think it was who's part with Lewis?

Zach.

It was Zach's.

That's pretty wild.

That was a wild one. But, I mean, O'Connor, that was the first time I really, I think, did Molly.

Oh, yeah.

And I just sat on a couch.

Oh, that wasn't Molly. That was. That was actual ecstasy. It was great.

Yeah. I was afraid of. I didn't talk to the women at all. And then I was like. I was on drugs watching Lewis. Like, yeah, come here. Like, he's very not. He wasn't calling him, but he was very.

So your butthole.

Yes, there was.

He's ready to party. That gear.

He was comfortable with strippers. I'm not.

No. Yeah, Louis. Through my bachelor party, when I got married, it was. Yeah, it's pretty good. He goes pretty hard with it. But the two that I've been to, that I've. Any. I went to when my ex wife's friend was having a bachelor party they invited me to. I don't know why they want to. I think they wanted me come because I'm a comedian. Like, they'd come to shows already, so as a virtual unknown still, they were like the comedian guys coming. And they had a stripper there that was gorgeous, who was fucking. And I went in the bathroom with her, and I'm such a fucking fat snook. Like, I went there and talked to her for 45 minutes, where I started hearing people outside the door going, like, hey, man, are you done in there? He goes, who brought this fat guy who's like, here? Like, no one knows who I was, and I'm just hogging the stripper to chat. To chat with her. I go, yeah, I used to work in this business a little bit myself. Yeah. Try to chat her up. She had no interest. She was almost like, hey, are we like, fucking in here or not?

I was like, do your thing or whatever.

You know, you got enough. You got enough on your plate.

You're trying to have industry talk.

There was a guy.

It's time to talk biz.

There was a guy used to come to my shows, always became friendly with him. But I opened for Bobby Slayton a million years ago at the West Palm Improv. And afterwards, all these people that came to see him and the host of the show, who was like a local player, we like, oh, we gotta go to the strip club. We have to go to the strip club. We went, and this guy Lauren, who I became friends with, was one of the managers there. And he was like, you know, pick a girl or whatever. It was just like free reign. And he was always like that kind of like, dude. And a few years back, I was in the Comedy Inn in Miami, which is a small little room in the motel, basically.

Whoa.

And he's like, I'm coming. He goes, I got a new couple years back, goes, I got a new company, too. I'm bringing a couple of the girls. He's like, and they want to party. And I'm just like, yeah, man, sure, yeah. So him and his buddy come, they bring these two girls who are like super ghetto, like Hispanic girls. Both cute, though. And he was like, hey, you want to go? Because they want to go, like, smoke with you or something before the Show. Why don't you take him to, like, your room or whatever, which is a motel room right there. So I was like, yeah. And I went there, I smoked pot with him, talked to him for a while, and then I was like. But my thing is so, like. Like, me and Lewis, where we have different opinion on this. A lot of times, like, Louis has the why he says he could fuck a hooker is rooted in. He thinks. He's like, this must be a nice change for you, huh? Like, getting the fuck me instead of like, what you think. I assume I'm the other end of that spectrum.

So I'm like, oh, God, this girl's, like, gonna have to wash me off later just being like, what am I? I gotta get my kids back from social services and get my shit together.

So, like, yeah, that's fair. Yeah, I would feel the same way.

That's how I feel. Like, I feel like I'm there. Like, well, this is my job. I have to do. And yeah, clearly he told them they should, like, do something and fuck around with me because, you know, I'm hooking them up with tickets or whatever to this. This little.

To the motel. Yeah.

So. But in my mind, I'm going like, you know what? Because they're both cute, and I'm like, I'm. They're going to come to the show. After the show. They're probably going to really want to. Yes, maybe it would be the best thing. Or at least I can convince myself.

Yeah, I agree.

Now they're like, oh, I saw you do your thing. So, yeah, now we kind of want to do this.

Yeah, let me see you do your.

Thing now after the show, I'm talking to them. I think even a little before the show, they're both giving you. Of course, they're like, you said, no one gets out of it unscathed. Like, they're both given. They're like, it's like, my boyfriend hates that I do this, man. Like, if he beats the of me one more time, my dad's gonna kill him. It's just gonna talk like that. And you're like, okay, bullshit. With the two of them. And the two guys. My buddy Lauren, his buddy.

And like, I told you, these chicks wanted to party.

Dude. Killing time. Yeah. I mean, really killing time. And then the guy eventually goes like, hey, man, we're gonna get out of here pretty soon, so, you know, if you want to take the girls and hang out for a little bit, like, you know, now's the time. And I remember touching him on his arm And I went, give him the night off, man. Just give him the night off, man.

How'd they react to that? Were they like, oh, sweet.

No. They were almost puzzled. Like, everyone. He was even like, no, man. The girls came, like, party and stuff. I was like, I know, but, like, even that sentence, it's like they came in and they were like, they know me and my stuff. Like, they came the party because you were like, hey, you girls want to do coke tonight? Probably for free and drink. Go. This guy. Yeah, I'm all right.

You think he was going to try to get you the bill? He was going to hit you with the bill, too. He didn't have a tab or anything?

Not even sort of.

He was just hooking you up?

Absolutely. But I'm with you.

I would have done.

I don't know. I just. I get it. I get it completely. But I have to believe, or at least be able to believe in some way, like, you want to do this. Not like, you will. I will you?

Yes.

Yeah.

I will say that it must have been. I don't know if you did this that night. The fap sesh must have been decent, though, because, like, there were two hookers in your room. I feel like that'd be a nice fab session.

No, I've hit the post, like, strip club.

Yeah.

Where you're like, I could have. And then you go home and you're like, damn. Because you're horny while you're jacking off. You're like, damn, this would have been so much cooler, lady.

Yeah.

Then you come and you go, oh, thank God.

Exactly the second you're done, you come.

Great.

This part of your body comes back online.

It's like going on the road before I ever had a laptop. You know, for years, that wasn't really a thing that everybody had a laptop. So on the road was a hilarious race. You'd either find you'd either had that local newspaper, whatever that weird arts paper is, it would have hooker ads, the Yellow Pages, and the E Channel's Girls Gone Wild infomercial. And it was a race to like, can I just jerk off and not make a terrible mistake right now.

Yeah.

And you have to remind yourself, you go, as soon as it's over, you're going to be like, I don't really have $200 to be throwing around like that or whatever, you know? I mean, like, all of it is so bad. As soon as you're done, you're like, perfect night. You really made the right decision there, big guy. Thank you. Girls going wild. I mean, who doesn't know? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

We were all probably hitting the same commercial a couple times.

Big time.

You know how when it's like, if you look at the moon. Dude, I'm pretty sure any time on Earth, if we stare at the moon at the same time, it's like those girls catching a Stern.

If you like a lady naked, we're.

Probably catching at the same time.

See? Ster be like, dude, dude, I'm not trying to jerk the Stern out of here.

Stern, get out of here.

Stern. You look like a witch.

Does look like a witch.

He does looks like a bruja.

He is a bruja, dude.

Howard Stern.

Ja.

He's a juha. He's a.

But, yeah, that's the best. Getting, like. I mean, squiggle vision was the ultimate. I wish.

Yeah. Horny on the road was Horny dad with. Horny dad with Spice Channel.

Yeah. Yeah. Spice Show. And then I got a. At one point. At. One of my first roommates in New York worked for the cable company. So we had unlocked Spice and Playboy channel. And, like, those are really, like. That was still the era. Like, everything was on dvd or you had to down, so it was like you did it, but it was, like, so not good. The Playboy Channel.

Yeah.

It's still like, the fact that they made any kind of what you would describe as vanilla pornography. Yeah. In the world is still strange to me that it exists. Like.

Like softcore, you're saying?

Or just naked women. But yeah.

Yeah. They weren't even doing anything. It was just naked women.

Just the naked women stuff. But I mean, like, just all of it's gotten so, like. Like the fact that anyone can go back and be like, what? Whatever you'd like, do. Maxim magazine has the 50 hottest bikini babes pictorial. Like, who gives a. Yeah. It's like there's a girl this pretty taking a dump in a sink on the Internet.

And that.

And I can eat it if I.

Really throw things out. You know what I mean?

Get a vial of it sent to my house. Suck that vial down.

I'm interviewing in a few weeks, I believe. Or we got fair Abraham, and I told the person who's sending her. So that's.

I do some research.

That's MTV's Teen Mom.

Oh.

And then she started doing, like, porn. She had a couple porn videos, like, pro porn videos. Then started doing, like, cam stuff. But then Lemaire, you're familiar with this. Then she took a video of herself for somebody taking a dump that is. I don't know where this dump was. Inside of her tiny body smoked out of toilet.

She smoked one out for the Os.

Well, she's not. So she sits right on the floor, but like an animal. But I mean, it is a shit I've watched so many times because it's fascinating. It's like a cork pops. Like one little comes out and then two straight feet of connected. And then you have this on your phone. Yeah, Somewhere.

Because I'd like to take a look at this. Don't.

So she segued teen moms into her only fans. I mean, she's proud of you.

Now she's dropping chocolate 30s.

But now. But now she's.

She dropped her magnum opus.

She's doing stand up comedy.

What?

Obviously.

So her first time stand up comedy is going to be at a strip club in New York. So she's coming on the bonfire to promote it. And I told the person I was like, first thing I'm asking about is this dump. I go, I don't know. I know there's no audio on it, so I have to assume as soon as it was fun, it finished coming out. Did you go.

I can't wait to see this.

It's pretty good. You've seen this for sure.

So underrated. Just a cork pop. I might be a cork Popeye. Like, yo, just cut it after the cork.

I never caught the poop, but I've seen her other work.

Damn, dude. Just a rogue lady. Just five. She's probably, probably like five cappuccinos a day. Five whipped cream Starbucks a day. Just brewing the two footers.

She should have held it up like a fisherman at the end. Like. Yeah, you might have to take a picture. Yeah, you might have to. Like a hunter. Yeah, you gotta sit over it with the antlers.

This might be a.

Imagine being a guy, get all that bang for your buck. Being like, I didn't think it was going to be this amazing. Yeah, I thought it was being like.

A pathetic girl turd of guy must have.

I get jealous of those guys. You can like just have that aspect of your life where you're just constantly scheming, all like filming the girl. That would add such a charge to like your whole life to get porn here.

Governor Abbott's locking down the turd porn.

I know, dude.

Oh, no.

Turnport turd porn should be the most legal of all.

I don't have a VPN for be.

Equal with child porn. To me, if you're watching turt porn, you should be in prison getting beat up by other guys in there. They're like, you, the turd porn guy.

You should be a piece. See, my thing is, it's just. It's not even sexual. I'm taking a dump. I'd be like governor. I'm not. You're the one getting horn. Your honor, I just wanted to make sure this lady was healthy. Taking a proper dump list.

Jeffer Bing Bing will have it.

Yeah. I mean, this is. So she was it like a private video that got leaked?

No, no, no. This is for somebody who paid her to do it.

That's what I'm saying. But like, it was on the pro, like, public chain, like the public page. Or like, how did this vid get out? I guess you can't keep it to yourself. You tell 12 people. You basically told the world it's true. Show 12 of your butt. I mean, that video would. Nothing would spread faster than that, though. That's why it spreads that.

Sean, I'd like to see it.

I'm gonna find it for you.

I just. Just. I had a bunch of scat pornography.

He might be a porn guy. That's the number one voice of a ship. He's kind of smelled it. Doubting us right now. He's like, found.

It's in the file I have here. No, I don't like it. It's in my homework file. That's not true. You got the voice of a scatman.

One of us had. There got to be one shitty guy in this room.

Did you get it?

Guardian?

Did you get it?

I got it for you.

It's just black ladies pooping.

Were they driving?

Hang on.

Take a look at this. Oh, no.

This is an impressive.

Hotter than I. Yeah.

Yeah. I wasn't.

Yeah.

Is she. Is she talking to me?

Yeah.

No, dude, no.

Now you'll see.

Oh, no.

All right, here we go. The first one's not impressive.

It looks like this.

No, the first one's just gonna pop out. That's the cork.

Oh.

Now here, one foot, two feet.

Like three and a half.

And then. So if you guys have any questions you want me to ask.

Yeah. They injected. They injected that. I think that was fake.

You'd like to think that that was a legit dump.

Yeah.

Shane, you've had a problem. Always appreciating others talents.

Yeah.

I mean, the cork is the craziest detail.

Yeah. That might be the real deal.

The first thing breaks out. Yeah.

Do you think there might. Here's my question. I like to ask. Is there some sort of prep if, you know, you Got a big like, you know, gardening hit you up, you know, you have the big dump. What's the regimen? Do you like, hit a bunch of fibers?

It seems like she was stacking them for sure inside of herself. Because that's those three dumps. It was. I mean, when she was done, the fact she just like they showed the longer one. Like she turns around. It's kind of like, did you like that? And I was like, how are you not like taking a little siesta after that? That's one like when you're done, you got to go, wow, that must have been in there for a while.

Yeah, she just passed that. Like nothing.

She was like, yeah. I tell you. Shit. A big fucking two coiler. God bless her heart.

Yeah.

It's gotta be notes.

Oh, yeah.

They probably go super fiber. Probably super. It's like fiber powder. Probably for two days knowing they have the big video.

Definitely the most famous person to ever make a video.

Blippi. Remember Blippi did that, The Harlem Shake video?

Yeah.

Lippy, the guy who's the kids entertainer before he became a child entertainer, made it. Remember that Harlem Shake dance? Everyone would do like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. He took a video where he was sitting on the toy. It was him on the. No, his friend was on the toilet and he just shit all over his friend just popped off. And everyone was just like, whatever. My kid likes this show.

Did you ever. You guys ever watch the old.

Allegedly.

The old.

What's it called, Matt?

Chuck Berry. The old Chuck Berry videos.

Chuck Berry farts. One of the funniest. Yeah.

He goes, give me that fog.

I love the lady's face. She's like, yeah, yeah.

He goes, ooh, get that fall. Yeah, sure.

Head popping back out of it.

Whoa, there it is. It's real. You like that fog farting?

Farting in hooker spaces is wild.

I mean, you're paying for it, I guess. You got to be able to do what you want.

Even back then there was no, like. I mean, there was a newspaper, but there you didn't think anything would ever get out. Like if you farted a hooker's face, there'd be a part of your head being like, this is gonna be on Buzzfeed. You would be like, this is gonna make its way back then it was just like, I can literally.

He must have. He filmed it.

Yeah.

I don't want to again.

Fuck. Really?

This is speculation. Huge chance. That was like a 13 year old girl. Huge chance. You could part. What is it like?

No, you could see it okay, there's a video.

Yeah, Hookers. They're like actually pretty gnarly looking hookers.

Yeah, yeah. They're hitting force.

I was just vent like back then you could really. Those dudes did like everything.

Yeah.

Like Led Zeppelin.

They're letting the lead out.

They're getting.

That was. I take that back on Howard Stern. A few years back, one of the like the famous groupies like from like BBBL or one of them like came in to talk and kind of do like a tell all book. And like just so casually the way she goes. Oh yeah. Like I don't know if she lost her virginity, but she was like when she was 15, she basically got gang banged by the Allman Brothers like backstage. But the difference is she just going like, oh, it was great. Like because she's telling the story like that. It just gets no legs. Like no one cares.

The Almond Brothers, bro.

Yeah.

That's crazy. The Almond Eskimo Brothers, dude.

Hell yeah.

Bold.

The Almond Brothers.

Oh, true.

Now we're talking. That's just a joke for you and me. No, that's not for the pot.

I thought you're pointing to bowling.

That is quite bold pointed. That jar of almonds. Oh, that's so the Almond Brothers. Come on now.

Come on now.

Damn.

You think the Almond Brothers were like laying pipe like that? I don't. You think they're lame pipe?

I mean they're 15 year olds.

70S.

Yeah. Back then. When did you be able to get your driver's license?

I don't know. I don't think they even did it back then.

Shame on you. All my brothers.

I just think. But I think there's also something to like. Like I said, these things were like people. It was like. It wasn't like they were like seeking a 15 year old girl. It seems like 15 year old girls were trying to get backstage. I think it was a time where people accepted like where you fell over. Just like the overall laws. It's like. Yeah. If you're some kind of scraggly.

Yeah.

Rotten homed kid. Like you're probably gonna be out there at like 14, 15 years old. You know, I mean. Or like, you know, there's. I'm sure there was also. There's 15 year old girls who would be like, do what? Go where?

Huge chance. The brothers don't even remember it. It. They're probably sitting somewhere and I came.

On, they're like, yeah, that'd be a tough one.

Yeah. Feeling that one.

Yeah. Jimmy Page right here. The other one used the famous one Like a child bride.

Yep. They were partying, bro. Rock stars. Early rock stars. Or were they pedophiles? Yeah, hard to say.

It's an intense party, though.

Alleged child must be great.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Talking about it 50 years later.

Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Yeah. Stood the test of time, kid.

Yeah, you know, it was great back in the day.

Our whole government seems disarray about it. The Epstein stuff went off.

Society's collapsing over the weight of. Kid.

Kid.

Dick and balls.

The Epstein thing. They were like, how many people. They don't. You know, they interview all the. One. They never. You know the Olympic doctor guy, right? Yeah. He was, like, fingering all the.

Yes.

When they got him, like, every victim showed up. It was like 300 victims, like, show up to be like, you did this. You fucked me over.

Yeah.

Epstein, where they were pulling those girls from, there is a bulk of those chicks that were just like, yeah, it was a good way to make 400 bucks, you know, watch the old man whack off. It's the uncle. It's the Uncle Eddie thing. Remember when Uncle Eddie in Philly, like, when he got arrested, like, people were like, oh, man. Damn.

That's what we.

If we went to the mall, we would just go take a dump at Ed's house and show them our wiener, and he'd give us 50 bucks. Yeah.

He was such a legend here when.

I was growing up. Was, like, happy when he got put away. They were like, dude, my. Yeah, that was my mall money.

That was when I was little. Be like, there's a guy, he carries around a pizza box, and he'll. If you give him your underwear, he'll give you 50 bucks. 50 bucks, and he'll put him in the pizza box.

How old are you?

I'm 39.

I'm 47. I mean, that. That thing went around.

These guys are legends. He's totally Omen Brothers. And you're the kid. You're going, I had a good time.

I genuinely had the thought in my head when they just described when I was a kid, be careful. That school would say, there's a guy once, he's asking kids for their dirty underwear or use underwear. And I genuinely remember having a thing. And I'm like, where is this? Like, I will give him my dirty. I wasn't putting it together. There was any kind of a gay thing or something like that. I'm like, I guess he's just a freaky weirdo.

Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, dude.

I go, it does sound like a mythical.

Yeah.

Dude, I wouldn't even throw out. Like I said, if I had skid marked underwear when I was a kid, he'd be like, nice.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm gonna save these for a school day.

Right there.

But those guys that would call Howard Stern with those Philly accents were so great. Like, yeah, he went over because my boy took a dump on his chest. It was crazy. I'd show him a dingling. We get out of there.

My dad had it. My dad had a nice little creep.

Legendary pervert.

Yeah. Legendary pervert. That would give you crimp. It's if you showed him your dick.

Butterscotch.

Butterscotch.

Nice.

Yeah.

Whole package.

Phil was out in the woods, so that was big.

I knew somewhere in the world that tasty cakes were being used for evil.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

How do you get that cake to.

Stay so according to Phil, he never did it.

How's it shelf stable and that moist.

Yeah. His one boy would go for it all the time and then split the crimpets with my. Phil was pimping out his boy.

He was pimping.

That's awesome. I appreciate. Yeah, I feel like that was always the kid that would sell candy in school was the same kid who also run it. Run boy ass for a local pedophile. I got a couple irons in the fire. I'm doing a little candy thing, a little resell. BJ's Costco candy thing. I'm running boy ass to some local peds.

Kid dick to a weirdo for cupcakes.

What exactly did you have to do? Just like show them?

I think you just show him your dick.

You have a good pedophile stinghouse Shane.

Yeah.

Right here is a great pedophile sting.

We were just watching to catch a Predator. I know that's one of your all time favorites.

It's so good.

Yeah, I've been on three, four pedal three or four pedophile stings. Pretty wild.

How did it?

Yeah, I didn't take part. I was. Well, it took minimal part.

Yeah.

When I. When my last special came out, the guys Dads against predators. Those are the ones now who just beat the guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Completely shove them in like the cupcakes at Walmart.

Yeah.

And like I went to hang out with them and it was funny. When they had the guy cornered in the grocery store. He was cornered and they were like yelling, I'm giving a bunch of shit in the grocery. You know, when I walked by, I've. I was. You're in living.

Oh, no.

I Was Instagram living when I walked by to be like, I was going, hey, I'm watching, like, these guys. Yeah. Do their pedophile hunt as I'm walking by those guys to fuck with. It's also funny when you do the pedophile hunts. There is something. The idea, though. It's like they take it seriously, but also not that seriously. They make jokes like themselves about it. So the guy. When they was walking by the guy, they look at me and the guy goes. He says to the pedophile, he goes, you fucking know Big J Okerson is. And the guy was like, no. And I just go, oh, you hear. You hear my voice just go, oh. Like a view's a view. And at the end of it, they take him out to a field and they make him stand in a trash can, call his mother and tell her he's a pedophile. And then go, big Jokerson's dog belly available. Whatever. Holy shit, dude. I went to a Sting house one where the girl lures the. The guys over. That was pretty wild. That was at the Sting house.

This is Jay. This is insane.

Yeah, it's wild. Yeah, the Stinghouse one. First guy comes over, we hide in a bedroom for. We're hiding in a bedroom with the camera guy. Yes.

He's gotta be so weird, dude.

And you hear, like, through a window. It's like, like. So I'm a little bit nervous here. Yeah.

Pedophiles in the house.

Like a real life pedophile tense. Yeah.

It's gotta be crazy.

Yeah.

You might have a gun.

It' real. I didn't even think about that. But that has happened. It's real. It's definitely a dangerous thing, for sure. But the. So the. The first guy comes in and like, very quick as she's talking to him for like five minutes. And then, by the way, I don't know why everyone I do these with, they always do this to a pedophile. She had in the background, purposely my special playing. And she. And when the guy comes in, he goes, this is Big Jay Okerson. He's like, like, you know he is. And he was like, no. And I think someone said fat at one point about it. I was like, right. I'm squatting down in the back room, like, all right, dude. Yeah, Mike Fenoy and Dylan with me. I'm like, what a dick.

I guess what's about to happen to you? Yeah, I'm fat.

I'm fat. Oh, I'm fat. You just hear in the background, come on, dude. Nobody else was here. As soon as we went out or the camera guy went out, that guy was like, oh. And he ran off, hauled ass immediately. As soon as he got on camera, second guy came and they had a whole like, thing with them. Yeah, really?

That's the ski daddy. That's the ultimate ski daddy.

Wrong house. So that YouTube channels have a lot of views. The second guy hung in there for a while. Talk to them. But that night I was in Indianapolis. That night she came to the pedophile hunter girl, Courtney Elizabeth, she came to the show and her and her partner said that that day when they posted the thing, they have moderators who live in Indianapolis. Even though she lives in Wisconsin, their moderators live in Indianapolis. And she was like. When they put the video up, the two moderators are brother and sister. And they both go, this guy who just ran out right away, the guy who said nothing after the camera came in, he goes up and ran off. They go, that's my cousin.

Oh.

And then the other moderator goes, that's my guy. The brother and sister, that's my cousin. And they started realizing like that in that two seconds, dude, it like fucking ripped their whole family apart. The guy that left immediately hunted.

True.

Yeah. How wild is that? Like, the moderators cousin happened to be one of the people they caught. You ever see that's the Chris Hansen one. When the guy he rides the train with walks in. Do you ever see that? He's like, what are you doing here, man? What are you doing here? He's so upset with him. Why are you here?

I see you every day on the train.

And then I went with the guy, the big guy from Houston, Texas, Alex something, the big beard. You've probably seen him before.

Yeah, I know that guy.

I went with him before and we didn't get anybody. But that's where I saw like, the danger of how it could go, because Walmart parking lot. We pulled up next to the guy, the guy wasn't out of his car yet, and the guy fucking threw up. I mean, 70 miles an hour in a Walmart parking lot, hit a speed bump. I mean, his car like rattled. But he got on the highway. He got on the highway and like, they were like, we're not chasing him onto the highway. Like, that's too dangerous at that point. But I thought what the most interesting thing so far about it was that of all the things I've with the pedophile hunters was that because I'm like, that guy was so. He didn't know if we were there to kick his ass. Yeah. You know, if we were related to the thing, he didn't know. If we were cops, he didn't know whatever the instinct that guy had at all. Like, if that car would have. If the doors and car would have fallen apart around him when he hit that speed bump, he would have just continued running onto the highway.

Just like. I was like, wow, I've never seen somebody really run for their life. That was like a genuine. Like, this guy thought his life was over if he doesn't get away from this. He was giving it everything he had.

Yeah, you're gonna get shot by a pedophile, right?

So I don't do them anymore.

Yeah, you shouldn't get shot by a pedophile, which sucks. That's such a shitty way to die.

Shop died at the hand of a pedophile.

Shot by a pedophile in a Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot, bleeding out in front of a target.

The dad's against predators. Guys. Guys been shot twice now.

What?

And he keeps going. And they're the ones that are aggressive like this. They keep wait to, like, punch the guy in the face.

I just saw one that was very funny. The guy, like, walks down the aisle and he's like, all right, I knew this was coming. Hey. He's like, I know what you're up to. I know what I'm up to. Let me talk.

Oh, there's some great.

He was slow. He was. Mentally, there's.

Oh, that's.

He couldn't do it.

That's Law and Order. SVU last week just did a. Finally an episode on that. Like, the. You're doing a pedophile sting, and you catch a guy who came there to, like, watch cartoons and hug because he has, like, down syndrome, and it's like, prosecuting him the same way.

Yeah.

And that is the thing. It's like most of the pedophile hunts. Like, that's what you're getting. You're getting a person who would have showed up if you said the kid was boy, girl, 8 years old or 85 years old. They can't believe anyone's responding to him, wants to hang out.

So they do.

It is a sad thing to see when they catch those people and they got a big fat guy on one of those podcasts. I think I may have showed. You said, the mom sounds like bees, or the mom's died, the mom of the pedophile. But they just. Right in front of the mom, they make him put on, like, a 7X shirt that says, I lick ass. Because it's something he said to the girl, fat guy named Jamie. And he just stands there while the guy reads the things in front of his mother. And the mother's just such a weird old twat. And she's. Every time. He goes. And then it says, I wanna. I wanna suck your little pussy until. Until you come and howl for the moon. And she's like, jamie, what? Well, that's bullshit.

He doesn't.

You don't even know how to do that.

That.

Oh, it's so funny. She sounds like.

She said. I don't know why she, like, reminds me of, like. It's not. It sounds like him. It's just like. It looks like it would be Beezer's mom. Yeah, yeah, Jamie. Ah, God. And then they're like, can you not make this a big deal because the who runs this apartment complex wants us out already.

That is grounds for dismissal.

Damn it, Jamie.

And she's like. And by the way, the whole thing, when they're giving, like, this crime that they committed, it's so funny when, like, the mother. Caretakers are always like, well, then that's it. You're giving me your phone, young man.

Grounded.

Yeah, you're giving me your phone. They're like, it's a little bigger than that, but. And I show. I think I showed you the. The guy before who they catch four times, where eventually.

Yes, eventually.

Eventually, the cops. Eventually the cops in the fourth video get mad at the guy who's stinging him. And he goes like. He goes like. They're like, hey, leave this guy alone. He shows up every time because he can't believe for again. And he's so dumb. The first time they showed up at his house, by the way, all of his things are like, I love. He's already saying, I love you. He's like a retarded guy and he's saying I love you a bunch to this, like, fake girl. And then they asked him. He goes, you know, the fake girls. Like, what we doing today? He goes, just playing basketball. And like, he writes. She goes, oh, yeah, Are you really tall? He's like, you know, he's like, 4 11. I could dunk, though. And she's like. She goes, really? He's like, yeah, it's pretty easy for you.

Tall guy holds me up. Yeah, he's in my waist.

He's a retarded guy. And every time the cops show up, he's like, no, crazy.

Yeah.

And he runs around crazy. And then the neighbor will always come over and be like, just, can you leave? Like, I'd say, I kind of look after him a little bit. Like, guys, this is not a real problem. You're. You're having. And the guy, special needs and little.

Person over and over again.

And the guy was so retarded out.

There over and over again.

When he leaves. I'm sorry.

He runs around like the little guys in Halo.

He does, he does.

Oh, God.

He never quite gets it.

Yeah.

As soon as they leave the first time, the same night, they just to see if they can. They just message him back and they go. They go, sorry about that. That was my uncle. That was my uncle. He gets really pissed off. And he was like, that was weird. And then she was like, yeah, but it's okay. He's going back to. I think she's going back to England tomorrow. He's clearly just an American guy. It's okay. He's going back to England tomorrow. He goes, okay, well, I mean, I still love you. Like, am I gonna get to see you? And then they just do it again. The fourth time they catch him at a car dealership. And he goes, are you. And he goes, they go, hey, Jason. And he still doesn't recognize him. Still. He's retarded. He goes, he goes, oh, hey. And he go, he goes, what are you here for? He goes, get a car. He goes, do you. Would you like to get a 13 year old car? And he goes, what? He goes, are you here for a 13 year old? He goes, no, he's not running for his life into the thing.

He's like, get out of here.

Get out of here.

I mean, that's the one where the cops show up and they go, yo, yeah, stop. What are you doing? Like, leave this guy alone. He's never gotten any kid or otherwise.

Yeah, it's entrapment. Leave the man.

It's really.

They should. They should have a clause. Like they should amend the law and like if you are, you know, an R rated Midge, they should just go. That's up to the parents discretion.

I mean it's really.

It'd be a good high school sweetheart.

You should be allowed to prom date.

Prom 10 times. Taking the BR picture and we got him. No, now we're just with you. Get out there. Dance again.

You can make a remake. Remember Carrie remake. It's a new Carrie. It's his revenge.

Yeah, he was. Luckily that has telekinesis. Yeah, he's. They're all. I mean, there was the famous one. There's the Chris Hansen was. The guy started eating pizza.

Yeah, just.

Just watch all that one of the best ones ever. He goes, you want a slice? No, it's cool.

He's scarfing that.

Yeah.

He's changed his name and moved. That's what he did.

That must have been the craziest. Acid reflux. Just getting, like. Getting caught as a pedophile and crushing, like, half his off.

And that was the. And it was the grease cup.

He was folding them too. He was fine.

I've never seen someone grub that like. It was while getting in trouble. He hit a hard. Gross.

It's because he thought it was gonna make him look more natural.

He did.

They really did. He goes. He goes, I guess I'm a pervert.

When he's chewing, he's like, you got the text. He's like, oh, you have the transcripts.

There's also those great compilations of Chris Hansen doing, like, the. I may have told you this before. Like, the. I like his first line. When he tries to play off what they say is always the best. The guy's like.

Like.

It's like, where you at? Then the girl will be like, I'm upstairs. I'll be down in a second. He's like, I can't wait to kiss you. Like, would you like to kiss me, Frank? Yeah.

Clear. There's a cloth in the hallway that he opens. You go, oh, there's. You know, that's normal.

Would you like to. He goes, don't mind that. That's video village back there.

We've talked about it before, but when they get Indian guys, just a foreigner, that's just like, what's the problem?

They should be like, my parents arrange this. I would die. My book. My parents set this up. That wasn't me.

Yeah, it's been arranged. An Indian guy's the one who got naked right away when he came in, like, fully naked, just started walking around. That was an Indian guy. And then the other one was the kid who got caught twice in, like, the back to back days. And the second time they pull up on him, they go. They go, what are you doing, man? He goes, oops.

Getting caught. Back to back days. There you go. All right, back to the drawing board. There's no way.

All right, now we know what to look for. Did you. There's a. So it's funny. And I know they're trying to get more of, like, a police involved thing. Like, Catch a Predator was like, an official with police they're working with. And there's, I guess, another one called Underage Undercover on. It's like, discovery or something. But Max had It. It was. They did two seasons of it. And what's funny about that is going on, the ones that I've gone on, how fast they'd be like, all right, well, it's 3:15. He said he was coming at 3. This guy's flake. And he's not answering anymore. And you know, with that stinghouse, you were like, all right, well, it was nice to meet you guys, we're gonna take off. And they go, no, no, hang on. Two. I mean, I'm not kidding. Go on. Hey, my parents are gone. Could you come over? You be here in 15 minutes. I'll be right over. I mean, to catch a person willing to fuck a 13, 14 year old, that's wild. So they will, like, there's. There's no like, loss of like, getting them at all, but this. But again, I don't know how much outside of like, court of public opinion and ruining your personal life doesn't really end up in a lot of like, arrests and stuff.

But it's like, with the. To get the arrest, what they have to do. That's why I found it so funny. They can just go, hey, I'm 14 and I have a vagina who wants to fuck? And like, people will start coming. The underage undercover. They over do it. So it's like a whole house they've rented and each room's like, decorated to a different girl character. And they have the things with fake braces. So, like, you see like working through each other. Like, she's like, okay, so I'm supposed to watch a masturbate at like 4 o'clock today. So like, so they'll go, you know, put on the pigtails and little girl things and sit Indian style. And then holding like another girl's hand off camera who's like, on, like, sorry, you're doing so good. And she's like, it's great. Then you just hear the guy like, y.

Wait, they go for it. They let the pedophiles do it.

That's almost my point is that, like, I don't think you have to get this much information. Yes. They go, okay, by the way, after like four masturbation sessions and talking on the phone every day to them and going through all this thing, they'll be like, okay, we think we know what state he lives in. Like, they're trying, like, it's like each season's like, to get like one little piece of information about a guy to like, how come every other person just go, yeah, look in the. I'm 12 and someone goes, I. A 12 year old. I don't care, I'll come over.

You're going to jail.

It's like non stop things like they. It's too.

Gotta let him finish. It's like the south park episode where he's like, I'm going undercover as a prosthes.

Wow, daddy, that sure was allowed to come.

Freeze, freeze.

It's the best. Damn.

So they're recording them. Jerk. And just sit through in it and be like, damn right.

And like the girl.

Yeah.

Holding her hand, going like, you're being so strong right now. You're being. And then it's like, by the way, also, whenever a guy goes, starts jerking off, you're pretending you're a kid. You could be like, so my parents are calling. I'm so sorry, I have to go. They just go like they let them finish. And they're like, I like it. There's no reason to get. If the guy keeps going better for what they're doing. You got them.

If I'm sexy, sexual, if I'm the pedophile, I'm going back to that house and I'm good. By the fourth time, it's like, no. I knew she was 20.

Yeah. Yeah.

This is a show. This has been great.

If you catch one of the people you know is that show Underage of the COVID He goes, I thought we were doing a little role playing. Yeah, I was around.

Obviously she's 20.

Yeah. Here's her IMDb.

Just give Chris Hansen a big kiss. Like, this is all for you.

Yeah. I came here to meet you.

I'm trying to work my way up.

That's a good move. You keep going to kids houses and be like, where's Chris Hansen? I'm just trying to be Chris Hansen.

That's what you do. You walk in and be like, all right, I know, I was around. Where's Chris? Is he here? Yeah, that way he comes out like, oh, I know you were here.

Yeah. We're giving you guys any pedophiles out there. We're giving you some nice hacks.

We should, we should do a million dollars worth of game for pedophiles.

Guys who knew guys in the 90s came.

This is allegedly Spotify. Allegedly.

Every the 90s though, people would find like their thing and then just kind of stick with that. Like Mario Povich's show. What used to be like, you were my school bully. Look at me now. And this and that now. And it was like, yeah, yeah, really.

Look at me now.

What do you think, by the way? That was the best one those boys would go. Especially with a girl. It's like she was a fat girl in school because now she's like a bikini model. It's like, look what I guess. Remember how mean you were to me? And it's like, seems to have affected you. You really made some positive changes.

You're welcome.

Yeah, like this? Really?

Now can we get this over with.

Any and kiss you still want to fuck me? Clearly had me flown here. But Mario Povich figured out, like, the paternity test for the whole thing. Jerry Springer realized cheating and fights were the whole thing.

Yeah.

And Chris Hansen. Chris Hansen was just like, Dateline NBC. Like, here's a story about a small town murder or corruption in politics. And then it was like, nope, he's the pedophile guy.

He's the guy.

And now he gets to curse. He loves it. The ones online, the true blue ones. He loves it because he gets to read. Now he gets to really read the. What you said here you wanted to suck her ass. It's a. Yeah. He goes, yeah, but I mean, sucking ass, that means, like. I mean, like, you know, like, I.

Think it was a later season. He hit one guy who's like, BBC, bbcp. That's a bareback cream pie. And I was like, damn, Chris. Damn, dude.

The smoothest one he ever did was the guy who was washing his hands for the girl. Like, the little wigger dude was, like, washing his hands. And then Chris Hansen just walks up next to him and starts ripping off slices of paper towels to hand them. And the guy, he's washed his hands. He looks over and. And he takes the paper towel. He's like, thank you. And he just tries acting. It's not really. He goes, oh, thanks. He really makes a look. He goes. He goes, you here for the young, too? Oh, I didn't realize this was a party. That's happened a couple times on Catch a Predator when the people come out and they go, oh, I thought it was just me and her. Like, she's in the two dudes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh. I call dude.

Oh, my.

Catching two and making them fight for the survival.

Yes.

Winner leaves, Loser goes to jail.

These are good ideas.

You still catch the guy. They were just kidding. We want to see you guys fight. You're both going to jail.

Wow. Wow.

Jay, when's your special coming out?

Special is coming out February 20th. So Thursday. When is this?

Hell, yeah.

Is it out already?

This should be out tomorrow or Wednesday.

Yeah.

Yes.

Should be out on Tuesday.

Actually. We could wait a week if you want.

It's up to you guys. Whatever. Yeah. Schedule is whatever.

Yeah.

Double crowd work album them. They first have them coming out February 20th, and then a month later.

Hell, yeah.

I think we're premiering the second part. A moon tower.

Where'd you film it?

Denver Comedy Works.

Oh, yeah. That's great. Yeah, that's gonna be awesome.

Any room where it's going forward? Yeah, I hope so, man. It's like I don't watch anything or edit anything, so it's one way to do it. Yeah. I turn it over to other people.

Yeah.

I go, hey, you guys. Well, I always figured to him, like, well, you guys will know what you're laughing at. Yeah. Like me, I'm gonna go all my. Look at. I go, yeah, that was pretty funny. But like, why am I built like that? Those are the questions. I always.

I'm selfishly like, let's just get rid of that entire camera, that angle. Because I look. I look like a blimp. Let's just do Head on from above the entire special. Yeah.

Can we get a single camera shot and never decide they were one of them? On my first ever the hour special live at Webster Hall, I did. I didn't put any input into that. And I mean, they had a camera that seems like the job of the camera was to shoot me low from diagonal behind and swing around to the front of me. Yeah. Just get to really give you my entire way too long across profile.

Perfect.

It's like, oh, you know what? Side. Shoulder to shoulder. This guy doesn't look that bad. And then he starts turning around. He goes, oh, my God. Oh, there's too much happening in the front.

Yeah. It's a disaster.

That's a crazy.

I chose to sit like a dummy. And I never think I. Every time I go, I go. And remember when you sit especially on like a taping, like, back straight. Like, sit on the stool, but like have like your back straight. And then it's like, how many seconds later before you just like. So is this your girlfriend?

Yeah. I think about it the whole time I'm on stage because I slouch like crazy.

Yeah.

And I'm just.

And then if they watch, you make the shoulders back moved, like someone's been talking to them. Yeah.

I do it the whole show because it's now I'm doing the round, so it's like half the whole audience is seeing my hunched over back. And the weird thing I do with my hand behind my back, which I never thought anyone was Gonna see the whole time I'm going like this. How? Like, it's really up. It sounds like I'm being conversational, but you can tell. I'm obviously, like, internally, like, you know, I just feel like that behind me, I had somebody DM me. Like, what were you doing? Hand signals. I wanted to know what the hand signals meant. I was like, no, it's just.

Dude, I just. I've done a couple of these arenas with you now, and so they've all been great. And I sit on a stool, which maybe. Maybe I have to consider not doing. It's. Well, it's just more. I like it. It's been good.

I think it's fine.

And it's worked well at the time. It's worked well all of them. But the last one we did was Seattle. I think that was the only time I was like. I just chose a side and went with it. And then towards the end, like, the last, like, five or six minutes of it, every time there was, like, a down moment, like, in my own speaking. You go, guys, you know what's crazier? Turn around like a guy.

But, I mean, it was just like, swivel chair.

But then you're like, like, I'm not doing it for him. I just don't want to do it for the one guy. Turn around. Yeah.

You lose all control if you're like, yes, sir. Spun around.

Yeah.

They're all aware. I can hear each individual comment. Yeah, change your pants. Your whole thing sucks.

Ah, this sucks.

You.

It sucks. You can hear every single person also. So many people. So someone's gonna be like, like, you.

Yeah. Turning around to be like. What did you say? Sitting back down. Yeah, it would hurt.

I was talking.

What's that? Okay. I thought so.

You're just.

Dad.

The back of the car just like, knock it off.

Excuse me.

Shut up back there.

Okay. Okay.

I was. Last night, I was talking to Are you garbage guys about it? And that was like. They were talking about a thing they don't like doing. And I was like, yeah. I mean, I thought I was. I was like, I'm done with Trump. I'm gonna stop doing Trump. First show I did one minute in, a guy was like, do Trump right now. I was like, all right, I guess I'm doing Trump the rest of my fucking career. Yeah. They yell out. You can hear him.

Are you sick of doing it, Trump?

No, I. I love doing it.

Yeah, the material keeps coming. Yeah.

Yeah. I got a. Well, this will be out hopefully by the time SNL gets Announced. So I'm gonna host snl. And in my. It's like, I don't know what to say for my monolog. Like, I'm already like, oh, shit. Because they tell you you're hosting pretty quick. You have, like, two weeks.

Really?

Like, oh, fuck, what do I. What am I gonna say? And I was like, it. Trump will say something. He'll say something.

Yeah.

That week.

He's gonna work on it.

I'll just fucking make fun of that. He's gonna do something next week.

Do you have to walk a line at all? Like, not making fun of him too much?

Yeah, because I don't like doing that. I think that sucks.

Well, it's just also obvious, I think it.

When comedians go out there and just. Just every single comedian on earth is like, trump.

But not even like that. But I mean, like, do you think he sees, like.

No, he doesn't see him.

No, no. But I'm saying, like, does he see it as, like, an homage? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's all how people take it. Some people say, like, you're making fun of him just by doing the impression. Other people are like, you're doing a great impression of him. So it's such a funny thing.

Like, what do you think he thinks?

That's a good question.

Like, I wonder if he saw it, if his initial reaction would be like.

I. I guarantee he would not.

Like, he wouldn't like it.

Yeah, well, he might get amused like a Roman senator would.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know. I don't know. I've never seen him react to anyone doing an impression of him.

That's true.

I don't think anyone responds really well to that. We saw somebody does any impression.

Why?

Yeah, it's not your favorite thing.

I didn't know that. You're like, the first time. When we had Everlast on Bonfire a couple years back, Bert Kreischer was in the studio with us. It was me and Dan still on the show. And I was like, oh, you know, it'd be really funny. I go, whenever Last gets here, let's go around the room and everybody do your impression of what's the girl's name was like, somebody got pregnant from a God named Thompson. And then when Burke came in, he was like, oh, dude, I wouldn't do that. I was like, why? He goes, just, Musicians take themselves really seriously. Like, he won't think it's funny. He's going to be weird about it. Like.

Like.

And he was almost giving Me. Burt was giving me, like, a read the room thing. He's like, so, like, just. I wouldn't do it. And got me in my own head where I was like, yeah, I'm not. I won't even bring it up. And then when Everlast came in after talking to him for a little bit, he was very cool, and I was like, hey, we have a guitar man here if you want to play a song or anything. And Burke goes, oh, oh, if you play a song, I swear to God, I'll get butt naked right now. And I was like, you're brilliant. You told me to read the room on that. He doesn't hear impression himself, but you think one of the. One of the top Mount Rushmore of wiggers wants his payment for doing something he already doesn't want to do? To be a man gets naked in the room. You read the room, Bert. He's like, oh, I'll get naked if you do. Hey, dude, great news. I'll get naked if you do something. You're probably cool with the nudity of men, right?

That's so funny.

Hey, you grew up in a culture that's pretty, like, awesome with gay shit.

That's such a funny move.

I'd get totally naked. But the fact that he had the sense. It's the outward. Like, he knew. He's like, yeah, that would not be a good thing. Like, he needs somebody to go, bert, I don't think Everlast wants to see you naked as a reward, punishment or otherwise. Just the idea of that, like, it's like a girl saying, I'll show your tit.

I know exactly how Bert said it, too. Like, they're like, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

But, hey, here. Here's a deal.

Yeah.

If you do the thing we're asking, I will do something that no one's asked for. I love that.

Forever last is so funny.

Forever last. Yeah.

What happened? Did he get naked?

No. And Everlast didn't play a song. I mean, I didn't even pursue the question of play a song more, because when Burt made that offer, I was like, now I don't. Now I don't have to go, hey, we'd still like you to play a song. Like, I promise that won't happen. It was more like, well, Everlast, thanks for hanging out and being here.

Oh, man, so funny. I gotta show you that episode of Tires.

What?

Your episode.

Oh, yeah.

I should have it. We can watch it here in a second.

Hell, yeah.

You want to wrap it up?

Let's do it.

Goodbye, everybody.

Thanks for having me.

Episode?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.