Transcript of Ep 621 - Landlubbers

The Wild Wild West.

Hello.

Hey. Hello.

Coming to you live on a bright and beautiful Thursday.

Wow, it's Thursday.

Thursday. Thursday might be my favorite day. New favorite day of the week.

Really?

Yeah.

What's that? What's that about?

I love the week.

Just getting ready for the weekend.

I— here's the thing, reverse. I love the words reverse. I— the week is my new— that's— the week's my shit.

Yeah.

The weekend is like, it's cool because you're working on the weekend. I'm working on the weekend.

Exactly. The week— you way off in the deep end.

I am, man. I have my nice little routine all week, Monday through Friday. My routine— if you could just trap me in glass and let me do my routine every day, put me in the zoo, I'm fine.

I'm so excited about my routine. As soon as I woke up today, what'd you have? Drove to Starbucks, hit the Xbox. Perfect, perfect. I'm back. Keep an eye, see if the wrens are back. I don't know if they are. Oh no, really? Got in late last night. I don't know if the wrens are back. God knows what the mayor's done. He probably ate them.

Do you think he fried him up?

That fucking dickhead. I don't know if he'd fry him, man. I'm not—

he's sneaking guys in for a bird fry.

Yeah, there's some people here.

You gotta look out for little signs of people's lawns might be advertising a bird fry.

I don't think he knew I was coming home. The door's locked. Uh, he parked me in and he was in Virginia.

Dang, she's still in VA, right?

He's down Virginia way.

What a fucking dick. Yeah, he parked you. Where was his—

parks me in, his keys under a pile of tummy clothes. Oh yeah, that was at a lady's house.

Oh no, so you had to do— so your routine got disturbed. You had to go now run unnecessary errands, dude.

Yes.

I'm, I'm level 10 angry as soon as an unnecessary errand disturbs the sanctity of my routine. I am fucking—

tried to find my gamer chair, it's back at his desk. Every monitor on, game paused. Yo, gotta leave for a week, just leave shit on.

That is tight though, on, on his tour he can hold down— I paused my game for this.

So he did pause his game, he paused his game.

Pausing your game and leaving for 5 days is crazy.

Like, it's an intense auto-resume, dude. It'll go back. I know, he's just a dickhead. He paused his game for this.

That's crazy. 5-day pause. It just— it was probably for real, like $19 in electricity just to hold his game.

There's 7— he's got monitors. There's like 3 computer towers. I walk back there. I am a dad when I walk back there. I'm furious. I walk back and go, goddamn, look at all this shit. Electricity bill is going through the fucking roof. If the internet's slow at all, I blame him. Everything. He gets blamed for everything.

I remember my parents would bug on the electricity. It was like once a quarter.

They would nickel.

They fucking pasted it to the wall one time. I remember being like, I don't give a fuck. Why are you acting like I care? I remember it was on the wall near the basement steps. Like, yo, turn off the basement lights.

Turn them all off.

Yeah, just an electricity bill. I was like, oh, okay. Just 12 being like, whoa, holy shit, I should probably think about this.

Yeah, I thought it was a massive charge. It's not— it's for real. Got to be a dollar a month. But it does piss you off when you go, turn the fucking video game off.

I know, that's crazy.

But you couldn't actually save back then, dude. You had to leave it on.

Yeah, he's running old programs.

Everybody was pausing their game for this back in the day. It's true. You couldn't save. Who had a memory card?

I know. And then there's, you know, someone racing your, your game off the memory card, but their game— that's, that's Should be up there with treason.

That is treasonous.

It's crazy.

That's treasonous.

Yeah, I'm telling you, it happened to me. It's still to this day. It's why I don't really play video games like that. Red Dead Redemption, it was a— I was a week of hard work, 8-hour days. Someone erased my shit off my brother's video game. I remember, I remember coming, checking, and being like, yeah, and just being for like sad for like 3 days and being like, I'm never opening myself up to that possibility ever again.

Yeah.

You have to shield yourself, dude.

10% in Red Dead Redemption erased.

That's fucking 7 hours. Yeah. So this yesterday, I just got back from Nashville. I went down there to tight end you. It was very nice.

That's awesome.

Um, I was gonna take my nephew down to Texas's little kids camp, but then Kittle was like, let him— he can run routes with us and work out. It was—

that's awesome.

It's wonderful. Ant-Man was out. Took Phil and Ant-Man to Nashville, to the tight end university. And yeah, it was— but yesterday was the best part because we— I flew back to Texas, they flew back to Harrisburg. Their flight got delayed in Chicago about 5 hours, 6 hours. Phil and Ant-Man, dude, he's 70, Ant-Man's 7. First off, I haven't hung out with a fucking 7-year-old. I didn't know they didn't shut the fuck up for one minute.

He's 7 now?

Yeah, yeah, dude, 7.5.

Sure, yeah, you gotta, you gotta check that. But bro, they don't, they don't shut up.

No, I had headphones in and he just sits across from me just talking to me.

What was he droning on about?

He, he can't believe I'm famous. That's all he talks about. And now that, now that I'm, now that I'm friends with Cody Rhodes, he loves Cody Rhodes.

Yeah, they pick one thing and it's just Cody Rhodes.

And all day he just goes, Uncle Shane, what do you think Cody Rhodes is doing? I'm like, I don't know. He goes, have you met Sami Zayn? I'm like, I don't fucking— I don't know. He said, have you met The Usos? The Usos' brother? The Usos? I think I have. What'd they say? I don't know, they said hi.

You should really— they're talking about you, man.

I do say that, and that's the— that's the biggest mistake I've made. That he's like, did they really? What'd they say about me? When are they gonna talk about me? What do they say about me? He doesn't shut the fuck up. And I was like, and talk to Phil. Yeah. And my dad was like, don't fucking have him talk to me, you guys. And ask him about, uh, the wrestlers. It's fucking 12 hours.

He's just punishing you.

It was non-stop, dude.

Yeah, they won't stop. Yeah, they won't stop fucking talking. I had to fucking— I had to cool down Maya. She was like, dude, I'm 6 and a half, right? I'm like, bro, you're not even fucking close to 6 and a half. Don't, don't come at me like that. You're maybe 6 and a quarter, not even.

Definitely not 6.

You're a couple months shy of 6 and a quarter. Don't, don't be—

I've actually had that argument with a girlfriend. Yo, I'm 6 and a half, right? You're not even close to 6 and a half. You're 3, dude. A couple years ago, I told the story about how I once spent my last $9 on a Bud Light during an Eagles game at the Linc. Oh, I really did. I was sitting up there, it was I went with Big Jay and Soder.

Oh yeah, I had to sit with Jay's family in the upper decks.

I had $9 on my card, I got one Bud Light.

Dang.

Uh, anyway, my friends at Bud Light found the clip, and since then we've been working on a way to bring the story full circle when I perform at The Link. Uh, after the show, fans 21 and over can visit participating bars in Philly for a Bud Light on us. Fans can visit bars in Packer Park, South Philly, Logan Square, Spring Garden and Center City after the show for a Bud Light on us. Free Bud Light, dude. Uh, that's it.

Nice.

Yeah, but, uh, that's just those two. That's crazy. Phil and Ant-Man together is the funniest combo. Phil takes him to a bar. Ant-Man just sits next to him and asks— I mean, Ant-Man's going through exactly what I went through, and then I did it to Ant-Man. I took Ant to the bar and he just watched me drink. I was like, we're gonna stay till the end of this game, all right? Halftime, he's like, okay, can we please leave? I'm like, just drink the Shirley Temple, shut up. I let him run around the bars.

That's nice.

Don't even, don't even watch him. No, throwing shit. He was— there's— they had a popper shot, he was just fucking launching balls around him.

Yeah, you eventually do give up and just let your kids just run around. You're like I, I can't, I can't possibly dedicate every single brain cell of every second.

Somebody takes him, I'll, I'll be in my Liam Neeson shit.

True.

I'll get him back.

You will. They'll only be taken for a little bit.

Yeah, I'll be back.

Yeah, I mean, it's also— yeah, I get— there's a lot of Amber Alerts down here, but despite— it's every 5 fucking—

the lads are— oh dude, the lads hit the Amber Alert left and right, dude.

Foos, bro.

Foos go wild with Amber Alerts, dude.

For real, so many Amber Alerts.

Amber and fucking— I know it's a name, but it's also a color.

Amber. I wonder how you do say amber.

Embero. It's a good guess.

Yellow. Kind of like yellow, but ambar.

Ambar.

Damn, the arm bars.

The arm bar alert.

Yeah, dude, I wonder what's up with the fucking—

the foods go wild, dude.

Really hot potato with the Niños, dude. It's crazy.

It's a real hot potato. They just— also, it's like 3 cities every day. Somebody in Houston takes them, headed down San Antón way. They just fucking bounce around that triangle. My niño is in the fucking silver Nissan, dude.

I think that's what— you ever see the spikes that come out of the rims? That's probably to protect.

Yeah, if you're at the armbar.

Yeah, people try to take your niños in Houston, you're like, no. No, you can't get close to me.

Yeah, the Foo's fucking hot potato. They're ninjas. It's after every fucking 10 minutes.

Yeah, there's just a fucking—

ladies and gentlemen, a Foo has been taken. Everybody be on fucking guard, dude. There's a Foo on the loose. Their car breaks down.

Never seen that many fucking Amber Alerts anywhere. I have heard abduction's big here though. Yeah, so you gotta watch.

We can tell, dude.

Well, it's also like, dude, like, think about it. If you're in the business of snagging kids and forcing them into whatever kind of slavery you want, you're right at the finish line here. Yeah, 3-hour drive, you get the bag. Do you know how fucking easy it is to snag a kid? You just said so yourself. If you— I'm like, this is where you want to do it. I'm saying, I wouldn't— I think it's terrible, obviously, but this is— you're right next to the fucking finish line. If you snagged a kid in New York, I go to Canada.

Ay caramba.

Ay caramba, for sure.

Good luck.

But yeah, it's— dude, I— it's— I'm telling you, all the moms I talked to were always like, I swear someone was watching me, they chalked my tires in the parking lot.

Yeah, we've talked. I don't know.

Yeah, I'm ready. I stay ready. I said let it happen. It's one of my— it's one of my many fantasies.

I can't wait to answer the phone and go, who is this?

I'm talking about stopping in progress.

Fucking niño.

Hold on, let me sound the authorities.

Every single person just goes, God, Jesus Christ, was it gonna rain?

Oh, a fucking kid.

Yeah.

Oh great, Jesus Christ, that is so loud.

Where do they go? There's a flood 400 miles away. Yeah, okay.

Which actually is stopping 5 AMBER Alerts temporarily.

So the flood here that took those bums—

wait, the bums got taken?

A couple bums got fucking hit. No. Yeah, there's a— like last year, what, they fell in a couple— there was a flood here. The Summer Camp one, it said, was horrendous.

But, but some of the bums fell into the lazy river.

I think a lazy river took some bums. Like, there's a flash lazy— there's a flash lazy river warning. Some of the bums didn't get the alert. No, just while asleep. Just no, that's not fun. It's, it's, it's not funny. There is something about fucking hilarious, dude, being fucking wasted and then waking up in a river. I swear some—

oh, having the water creep up on the bums is good. I didn't, I didn't hear about that.

Some of them, I hope the bums survived.

But yeah, true, we need to get the—

they got hit with it.

Yeah, yeah, the Shoal Creek flooded in about a year ago. Uh, 4 individuals experiencing homelessness were caught in a drainage— dangerous drainage culvert. Oh, so they got caught up in the—

it was a lazy river.

It was like Pennywise.

Did they make it?

Um, two were rescued, but a man and a woman—

damn, one turned into a Ninja Turtle.

They found two of them, and then a man and a woman. I'm just trying to— this is finding the silver linings. True, because it is a tragedy.

That is sad. You like to imagine they're lovers, maybe.

Perhaps.

Yeah, like in Pompeii or whatever.

Yeah.

It died in the flood. Yeah, unfortunately. Tragic.

Sorry. Well, peace and peace.

Peace and peace to the bees.

Oh, man, that's so funny, dude. The fact that it was fucking getting sucked into the sewer.

And dude, just being homeless would be like, fucking life can't get any worse. Oh, shit, I'm getting flushed down the toilet. Literally, it's fucking crazy.

It is funny though, because like there is— you do, you are, you can be like, ah, you know, I can't handle this, I, I don't want to have anything to do with society. But it's like, you have to at least stay out of the waste management, like the water management system, like You at least get away from the stormwater drains, you know what I mean? It is— it's, it's everyone's responsibility to just watch out for the stormwater, man. Don't be in like one of the channels that could lead you down the sewer. Like, you gotta do that at least. This lesson on personal responsibility. But it's sad.

Anyway.

Oh yeah, there's nothing funny.

It's not good. Oh, but yes, for sure, someone getting flushed down their day.

Their day must have been fucking hilarious. Must have been like screaming at somebody on the street, just, fuck you, bitch, I'll kill you, bitch. And then just, oh shit.

Mehr Feuer, mehr Intrigen. Die Drachen kehren zurück.

Die absolute Macht ist dir zum Greifen nah. Dein Reich wird unbezwingbar sein, Rhaenyra.

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Meditieren, Yoga, Joggen— nichts entspannt mich. Echt?

Mich entspannt meine Steuer total. Steuer?

Wie Finanzamt? Die Steuererklärung?

Ja, ich hab ganz locker über €1000 zurückbekommen.

Hast du geheime Connections?

Nö, nur die WiesoSteuer-App. Wow!

Und das ist einfach?

Klar, die macht fast alles automatisch.

Plötzlich fühle ich mich so entspannt.

Hol dir dein Geld zurück. Tiefenentspannt mit Wieso Steuer.

You're making fun of me for having a homeless day the other day. That was killing me, dude.

I was like, yo, you had a full fucking bum day.

Fell off my fucking dirt bike, dude, right down to the white meat. Still, that was a week ago.

It's nasty.

Fell off my fucking bike, got chased by dogs, dude.

He tried to talk to— yeah, explain what happened unless you already have.

I talked about it last week, but it was full fucking bum day. It was a— dude, I didn't—

I can't believe you didn't rain, dude.

I was primed up. I actually was riding my bike along a culvert too. That could have gotten bad. Me, at least that fucking bastard dog would have came with me. I would have fucking pulled him down like, you little— you betrayed me. I thought for sure the guy seemed friendly. I'm like, here we go, I'm gonna flex with my—

yeah, just wild pit bulls, just a couple wild pit bulls outside. And I was like, hey, was this before or after you fell off your bike? After. So you're bleeding, bleeding. You go, it's time for me to tame some wild people.

Bleeding did get my pump. I did get my pump though.

After the bleeding?

After the bleeding.

A bloody pump.

Bloody pump.

You know I like that. I'm not afraid to do that.

I got a bloody pump. And then I didn't go to the cold plunge. That would have been very dastardly.

It would have been very mean.

Yeah, I was like, not doing that. So that was— I was, you know, also too, I was like, I don't want to attract any sharks to the water. True.

I wonder if girls do that.

I thought about it, dude. I, I was wondering that on the period, just getting the public gyms fucking— yeah, I was wondering about that the other day if they do that. I, I think they, they definitely swim.

They definitely do.

They definitely swim with their periods. That's, you know, talk about that. The, uh, maybe some sort of check in the public pool, but the little checkpoint.

Yeah, you just gotta go. You being fucking mean to everybody.

True.

You know, it's really the—

dude, I'm telling you, it's really the week before. Yeah, that's one. Oh boy, meanie meanie meanie. Before that, it's right before the period. Then the period, they're just like—

yeah, that week leading up, you're like, what the fuck? It's the week, and every time it surprises me. And then there's always a moment where I go, oh yeah, that's what this is.

Yep. And then, you know, you're faced with the weird task where you have to be like, you're in like a different dimension and I can't go into this dimension with you.

So normally it's like, you love when I play Xbox all day, you love when I don't take you out on dates, you love that I never left the house and drank.

Hit the date night yesterday, actually.

Nice, where'd you go?

Very hot date, uh, Piscina. Piscina.

Piscina.

I didn't think any piscina, actually, now they say that. But we did.

Must have been a good date though. You grubbed hard.

We grubbed hard.

Nothing worse than a fucking grub date.

Grubbed very hard.

It's time to try to reproduce.

Yeah, it was. I was—

I'm in no condition to mate.

I was not. I've been farty late. I've been so farty lately, dude.

I've been farty.

I've been so— I for real have been so farty.

It's party next door. Why have you been so farty, dude?

I've been going ham on protein powder and I'm farting so horrendous and I choose to fart around when Rogi's farts.

It's crazy, dude.

I've pinned down the culprit. I'm like, oh, it's definitely 4 scoops of protein powder a day. And guess what? I won't stop. It's just, I've just become farts.

Are you, are you still cheesing?

You mean a little dairy?

Hitting the cheese?

Yeah, I hit a little cheese and protein yesterday. Yeah, I had a little lasagna yesterday. Cheese-protein combination. I'm trying, I'm waiting for my body to just get on board with the shit. It's like, come on guys, we could be so powerful if we just kind of just—

I think it makes you more powerful.

I, I think so.

But protein and cheese farts, I have them.

It's crazy. Ricotta cheese isn't as bad, but yeah, if I have some like shredded mozz— oh my God. I don't— oh my God, some cheddar. And I do it. I, I know what's coming. I go, it's gonna be bad, but I'm gonna do it. So yeah, I was the other day, I was eating a burger. I said, oh, there's cheese on it. She's like, just eat it. And I looked at her, I said, all right, you made your bed, you said it.

Now fart in it.

You said it. I sent her a thing on Instagram recently. I saw this, uh, cartoon, like an explainer video saying in medieval times— I don't know if it's true, but they said women would fart around guys to let them know like they liked them. It showed that a woman was like relaxing the strict kind of like—

I think that kind of holds up.

Yeah, I was, you know, I sent it to her just— I don't even know why, I just like fired it off.

Do you like that yawn, that koala yawn?

I really like—

I did some research on yawn last night, on yawning.

What happened? Well, I was watching a show, or no, I was reading Trying So Hard Not to—

I was reading and said yawn, and I yawned immediately.

Yeah, that's— you just—

if you read about yawns, you yawn. Yeah. And I wanted to figure out what was going on there, and nobody knows. What? No one really knows.

That's fucked up.

Yeah, it's a contagious— it's just a weird thing.

Yeah, yeah, it is.

Animals do it too. I've already—

you're not fucking yawning again. You fucking want to—

yeah, everyone's yawning. Everyone listening to this is yawning now. Fuck, dude. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. You're gonna make me yawn again.

You can yawn from animals. You can look and see an animal yawn and then you fucking yawn.

My dogs get me for sure.

It's hilarious. Yeah, you can make your dog yawn.

Hold on, so there's no fucking way? I'm actually—

I'll tell you, I'll tell you about it because there's no real, uh—

I thought there's one of those things they could claim, like mirror neurons or some fucking bullshit. What the— what even is that though?

Exactly, they don't really know.

Mirror neurons.

Mirror neurons.

They make you copy people's face when you observe someone yawning.

These specific brain cells fire, mirroring the other person's physical action and helping you subconsciously empathize with their state. Social bonding is nice.

That's cool.

Yawning is highly social. You are significantly more likely to catch a yawn from a close friend or family member than from a stranger, as it acts as a subtle display of empathy and connection. Sounds fucking lame to me. I don't believe that.

I'm so embarrassed I yawn twice. That's how much you like me.

Group vigilance. Some evolutionary theories suggest contagious yawning synchronizes, uh, the wakefulness and alertness of a group. If one person is feeling drowsy and yawns, the contagiousness spreads, subtly increasing the brain arousal and vigilance of the entire group to compensate.

Yo.

But no one really knows.

Dang.

But if you go to yawns Wikipedia page, there's a nice picture of a koala yawning.

I like that.

I was a big fan of that.

That was also the pool. So you hit me with the quality yawning. I said, where the fuck did you get this last night? Yeah, that was great.

I was laying in bed going, this is a great picture.

That is great.

Take a look at it. Yawn Wikipedia.

That is really good.

You didn't like that? I realize I want to watch compilations of animals yawning. I think that'd be nice.

You didn't see me yet?

Reptiles yawn. That's funny. You ever see a snake yawn?

No.

It's pretty fun.

I got a snake in my yard right now. For real, I do.

What kind of snake is it?

Uh, it's either a ribbon or a garter snake. I was pretty pumped to see— I saw it back there the other day and it was like, it was going pretty nuts.

Nice.

So yeah, I learned too, the, um, because I was like, fuck, what kind of— like, hopefully it's not a poisonous snake. It's not. I think it's— is it a red on black friend to Jack, yellow on something kills you? So I forget, there's like a cool song.

I was just trying to see if these guys were looking at the quality awning.

Were they really?

I was hoping you guys would get pumped. Snake yawns, fun.

What do they flicker their tongues? What? That's kind of sick. Hold on. But yeah, it's pumped. It's terrifying. For real, for real. Yeah, they're scary. I actually had a dream about snakes last night. I'm thinking about the snake in my backyard. I had a dream about all kinds of coral snakes attacking me. It was kind of fucking terrifying.

In water?

No, coral snakes I think can come on land.

I wasn't sure if you were down there scuba and the— oh no, snakes came out of the reef to get you.

No, what the hell?

That'd be terrifying.

Those would be some electric eels. Those, they'd steal my voice, steal my voice and give it to Ursula. Trousers wouldn't be able to— I wouldn't be able to podcast. I'd make The Little Mermaid.

Red and black.

Friend of Jack.

Friend to Jack. Red touches yellow, kills a fellow.

Kills a fellow.

That's it. Yeah, well, really, it's the easier way to remember. If the strip— if the stripes are horizontal, like wrapping around like little stripes, that's a poisonous snake. If you have a long stripe down the back, typically friend of Jack.

I'm staying away from all—

yeah, I don't like any of them. I don't like none of them.

The garter snake could be a good alliance, man, because that way it'd be nice to have in there. Kill the rodents. Yeah, get the rodents going. Fucking lizards too, man, eating all my goddamn strawberries.

Really?

Yeah, fucking assholes. I have a million lizards in my back. I have so many lizards. Kind of sick, but it is sick, dude. Every time I go back there, like, 4 of them like run away, and I'm like, fucking jerks. Wait till my snake fucking eats you guys.

Yeah, that's exciting stuff.

He did scare me though. I thought it was a lizard. I was like, oh, I was like, whoa.

Yeah, they're scary every time.

Yeah, they, they get you, dude. I, uh, started reading, um Devils by Dostoevsky. Oh nice, bro, so good. And it's like, it's easy. Like, I tried Crime and Punishment, you called it, you're like, you're gonna get bored and stop. I was like, no I'm not.

I hate the rules though. Yeah, but I did, I tried, couldn't do it.

I got bored and stopped. Devils is nice because it's written like a, uh, it just sounds like a gossipy neighbor just being like, dude, let me tell you about this guy. And he just sits there and gives the details on every single person, and it's, it's— Yeah, it is.

It is.

You're sitting in bonnets with bees.

It's— it really feels like that in the, uh, but it's, it's all about these like late 1800s, uh, Russian revolutionaries who are just really LARPing and just like, it's really weird. It's, it's like Russian progressives and how they, they have like no real beliefs and how they're just really trying to like pump themselves up.

Tale as old as time.

Yeah, pretty crazy. It was— I was— I'm reading it and it's like, dude, it's, it's so fun. Just the little things in there. Like there was one thing where, uh like, there's a— there was a thing in Russia called, like, the peasant— it was called the Great Something, where, like, they started being like, yo, let's, like, give peasants rights, because they were still, I guess, under, like, the monarchy. And they were like, no, dude, peasants— like, it was, like, really cool back then to be like, peasants are actually really cool, and I fucking love peasants. But these people had, like, no relation, like, never even saw them. They're like, I think peasants are cool as fuck, and they should be free to do whatever they do.

Yeah, that was like, uh, Marx and, uh, yeah, Engels.

Well, that came—

they would try to go to factories. Yep. And all the factory workers were like, dude, fuck, you guys are pussies.

The peasants love the king. That was the thing though. They were like, the peasants were like, no, the king fucking rules. It's actually the advisors are fucking assholes. Yeah, the Russian peasants were like, they came to him like, yo, fuck the king. And they were like, dude, fuck you.

Yeah, beat the fuck out of you, dude.

King fucking— why are you talking about my king like that? This guy's like my whole life. That's all I do is work for this fucking guy. Don't tell me he sucks. What the hell are you doing to me? But yeah, there, there was a—

there's—

the characters are so funny because they are just like rich, like progressive, just, just absolute weasels constantly backstabbing each other. And there's this one part where this guy is like— this lady takes him in, just kind of puts him up to be tutor for her son, and she invites this like very high-ranking military guy, and he, he like references the peasant like uprising thing. And the dude who's her guest goes, "Hoorah," like quietly to himself, but loud enough people can hear it. And the guy just like, "The fuck is your problem?" This is like a big problem for him in the end. So the general guy's like, "Fuck him." So they go to leave, he goes, "Hey man, shake my hand." This is the thing they do in Russian society. If you don't like somebody, you go to shake hands, hit them with the two finger. You hit them with the two finger and that you make them shake your two fingers and it lets everyone know like, fuck this guy.

Crazy.

That's nice. That's been making me laugh so hard. And then if you don't accept, it's like, dude, you gotta shake hands. He had no choice but to be like, motherfucker, got me, got my ass. It was only in front of one lady. Just was like, oh, you're not a gentleman? You're not gonna shake my hand? He goes, fucking bitch. Then he would go to his room and like cry and write letters.

It's so funny.

It might be— it's, it's really— it's been a really, uh, it's been a treat to read.

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Guys, this weekend, June 26th, 27th, I'll be in Birmingham, Alabama at the Stardome Comedy Club. Please come. August 7th, San Jose— 7th and 8th, San Jose, California. Then Spokane, Washington, August 13th. Then after that, Portland, Boston, Royal Oaks, Michigan, and a bunch of other places in the fall. Uh, go to mattmcusker.com for tickets, please.

July 17th at the Link in Philadelphia. Also August in South Carolina, Charleston. I've been fired up on a book, uh, it's called The Wager. Oh, I think it's like a very popular history book, but it's— you'd like it.

What's it about?

Uh, it's just this expedition of, uh, ships that left England trying to sail around to— I think their mission was to like blow up a fucking Spanish port in like Chile.

Sick.

But it's pretty great. Shit goes south. Yeah, really sucks ass. Everyone gets scurvy. They couldn't figure out scurvy.

Those like boat missions back in the day were just cursed.

It was unbelievable how bad it was. Every single fucking chapter you're like, no way.

Yeah.

I found out though, Under the Weather is, uh, because they would put all the sick guys under— oh, in the lower hold to get them out of the weather. They go, he's under the weather.

Oh shit, I like it.

Every once in a while I read something like that in a book and then I'm not sure if that's right.

Sounds pretty good.

Why don't you guys give me a look at that?

Can I— while you do that, I'm gonna give you another one. Cut to the chase comes from the silent film era where before, like those Charlie Chaplin films, always for whatever reason they're chasing— yep, they would always have an unnecessary, very boring, drawn-out love story, which is him just like winking and raising his eyebrows. And then this one guy was like, dude, cut to the fucking chase.

Get to the chase.

This is bullshit. Let's just see him chase a guy around a pond.

Under the weather? Fuck yeah. That's good. Also, scurvy blows. Your fucking teeth fall out.

Yeah, hair falls out.

Everything blows and you die. Ah, just because you don't have vitamin C.

You have a fucking lemon.

Because you don't have a lemon, which is why they're called limeys.

Really?

Limey.

Yeah, because they need the limes.

I was thinking about it. You're a fucking land lover. You're a land— the hell are you, dude? Not true.

You're hilarious. I've spent more time—

last time you went on the open sea?

What's the last time I went on the open sea?

I was paddleboarding the open sea.

I was paddleboarding the fucking—

I'm talking about that's coastal shit. This is your land lover.

What the fuck you talking about? When's the last time you were in the open sea?

I've been in the open sea.

When?

Fucking couple days ago.

Where were you?

It's out at sea. It's out at sea, dude. You're a land lover.

That's so untrue.

I got scurvy. That's why I got all these limes, dude. I had to start sucking limes, dude.

Well, you got to be careful because now they're trying to say that citrus intake increases skin cancer risk. I know.

I think it's— when you're a salty dog like me, skin cancer is guaranteed.

I heard that.

I'm a salty dog.

You're a land lover.

There's nothing you can do about it, bro.

I've been underwater more than I think. I've spent hours underwater in the last couple weeks. I've been swimming. I'm underwater, dude. It's fucking sick.

Underwater is the best. I love underwater, dude.

It's for real sick. Like, when you swim laps, you're kind of chilling underwater with other people silently. So do I. That's what I'm saying. When you call me a landlubber, it's just— it's not even like offensive. It's just not true.

You're a bit of a land— you're a landlubber.

That's not true.

You've never been at sea for more than a day.

You've never been at SeaWorld. I know I went on a Carnival cruise with my friends when I was 14, dude. I was— we were out there, man. It must have been 10 days out there.

You went on Carnival cruise? Of course. I bet. Yeah, you're one of those.

I went to Royal Caribbean.

Everyone fights. I didn't go on Carnival where 15,000 people are on deck fighting. I would never go on a Carnival. Caribbean event. Black people cruises are fucking awesome. The parties are fun, but you guys, a couple fights.

Yeah, there was, there was that big clear out in the, uh, customs. I don't know if you saw that.

I just saw it this morning.

Yeah.

There was a custom, like a big brawl in the customs line, and it was just like 15 people got banned from entering the country.

No cruise list.

You got— you can't fight in the customs. That's crazy, dude. You have to— there's got to be a, a just a— it's got to be some safety.

Customs is tough though.

Fighting— actually, I almost got in a fight. I almost got a fight one time.

Yeah, I got off. I was coming back, I think from England. Via ship. And when we finally docked after 6 months at sea, we finally docked. Dude, you'd never make it on the wager, I admit. But, uh, I swear to God, Air Afghanistan got off at the same time. Me and the bros were in line for several hours.

Yeah, it's tough. Yep. Now I battled an old African guy one time in customs. He like literally just butted and shoulder checked, and it was just like Bro, don't fucking talk to me like that.

It's Ellis Island. You're literally right back there. It's the exact same thing our ancestors did. It is, dude. You become Bill the Butcher real quick.

That's crazy. So when's the longest you've spent at sea for real?

I, I don't— I'm, I'm a landlubber.

Are you really?

Yeah.

Why? You just built this whole thing up. That's crazy.

No, I, I've never been on a cruise, so Fucking Carnival Cruise, deep sea fishing. Yeah, that's— I mean, Carnival Cruise is hardly at sea, dude.

No, man, those things rock. I remember you're laying there, man. Took me a while to get back to land. I was so used— I was just like, took to it.

I got your sea legs on the Carnival Cruise.

Yeah, I remember I was at the indoor mall, just got a soft serve ice cream cone from the vending machine, and yeah, man. I had about 14 bass L's.

I'll tell you what, the only fucking limey I actually know is the O'Connell man's a salty dog.

Is he?

Yeah, he's on a boat every fucking 10 minutes.

Yeah.

You think you're a salty dog, dude? You're a landlubber.

Uh, fucking pond scum.

Yeah, you're pond scum.

Yeah, more of a freshwater guy, but all this sea talk— I've been— I was thinking about my old primary care physician the other day. His name was Dr. And he actually passed away at sea last year. Oh yeah, he died at sea. Yeah, so I was thinking about that because I got a new primary care physician and he doesn't hold a candle to—

really?

Yeah, he was really bad.

So how did he pass at sea?

Well, it's sort of a sore subject, but he fell off his fishing boat and then the fishing boat went like crazy and, and I mean, I wish you guys wouldn't laugh at it. Like I said, it's sort of a sore subject.

I'm still thinking about those boats.

He's fishing and he, uh, he was ejected from his boat and then the boat kept, uh, driving and it ran him over.

He got hit by his own boat?

Yeah, he was killed by his own boat. Passed away.

He's the one closest to you.

He really was a great doctor, and rest in peace. Oh man, I was just thinking about that the other day because I got a new crappy primary care physician, and I was just—

So he went out to eat some fish, and the fish ended up eating—

Well, hey man, we all do eventually.

Prefer not to think about that.

Well, you brought it up. I don't think it's funny.

Yeah, I don't know why I even told the fucking story.

Definitely Block out his name because I don't want to make fun of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, all right, sorry.

Um, yeah, I was thinking of that, but I like the story.

Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt. I was just— it reminded me.

You're just thinking about it.

You're just thinking it's a fucked up thing to think about.

He's the only person I know who died at sea.

Dude lost at sea.

Yeah, yeah. Primary— dude, primary care docs now are— it's— I tried to go to a place once and it's like, I think it's owned by like Amazon or something. It was Fucking bullshit.

Yeah, I went to one. They assigned me one that was attached to a church, so I went to a doctor that was attached to a church. What?

You're in— you're a— he's a doctor of the church.

It was— it was— it wasn't a great experience, but I don't want to—

no, dude, they just—

what happened to you?

Oh shit, nothing. I just needed a checkup and I got insurance finally and they gave me a BSS doctor.

Well, they just like—

it just took forever. It was— I was like waiting forever.

And then they're like, yeah, we're checking your blood pressure.

Like, okay, I could go to CVS for this.

Yeah, it's fucking bull. Also, come on, man, blood pressure.

Yeah, gives a fuck.

Like, seriously, dude, like, it's pretty high up there for me.

It's not a list of concerns.

I feel like you can lower your blood pressure naturally. Yeah, I don't know. The blood pressure med, the window, they shrunk the window for blood pressure medication now. Used to be like 1 whatever over this. Now they're like, no, it's actually like 20 points. We slid it down 20 points just to be like, that way more people can get on blood pressure medication. What is— does anyone know why that happens? Is it just stress? Is it like salt? Or like, what? Why do people just—

yeah, it's definitely like, for me, it's like alcohol, coffee, nicotine. That'll do it. Yeah, yeah. And if I don't do any of that for like 2 hours, yeah.

It just goes down.

And stress, for sure.

Yeah.

I had to get, uh, I tried to get an IV at the Super Bowl. Like, they had like a little IV thing the day after we went out.

It was—

we had a pretty wild night.

Recovery.

And then I'm in a room. It was like a public room of like— they have these things where they like just give people gifts, you know what I mean? Like, if it's like a VIP thing, they just are like, here, wear these shorts. Yeah.. And so there's just tons of people and they're like, you want an IV? I was like, yeah, it'd be nice. And they're like, we just have to check your blood pressure real quick. And I was like, why? This is going to be the craziest blood pressure you've ever seen. Sure enough, it was. What? And then they're like, just, are you all right? Are you like stressed out? I'm like, yeah, this is— I'm sweating. There's famous people and I'm laying in a chair like— and they're like, just relax for 5 minutes. I was like, all right. And it worked.

It went down.

Your blood pressure goes down. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty easy.

That's not bad.

Hell of a story.

That was a good story.

Well, it was a good story.

We're talking blood pressure. You delivered.

Thanks, man.

I have no fucking blood pressure stories other than every now and again I'll go and they'll go, you're a little on the low side. And I go, pretty fucking chill.

Yeah, it's because I'm too chill.

Pretty fucking chill. I'm actually— the only time it goes up when people tell me I'm a land lover.

Yeah, I was listening to the book, heard a fucking land lover, and I went, oh, I'm gonna call Matt a land lover. I'm gonna call Matt a land lover tomorrow.

I'm telling you, I've been— I've been aquatic, dude. I've been in the water almost every day, just underground. Actually, it's funny too because I'm underwater and I still like— I watch people do freestyle. You know, people can freestyle swim just like continuously for— yeah, I, I still don't know how people do that slow. Yeah, but dude, like, you can still do it slow, but you have to like try to time your breathing correct. It's really, really difficult. So I'm like, I'm just like watching people underwater just trying to peep, trying to peep game underwater. So I'm just doing my fucking old lady breaststroke and I'm just watching freestyle swimmers. I'm telling you, I've spent at least a good combined couple hours underwater in the last couple weeks.

Very good.

Just chilling, just watching people.

Just—

yeah, like a fucking shark down there.

Where are you swimming?

The pool near my house. So we're at the pool down there, just ripping the laps, dude. It's, it's the best. And also, I swear to God, if you swim, if you're in a pool for like say 45 minutes swimming, doing like laps, you get out, your voice is deeper. It's something about all the prep, because that water— when you're breathing in water, the water pressure is like making it harder to breathe. So something about your diaphragm— I get out of the pool, I'm like, yo, every single time. It's so funny. I get out, dude, I get— I go home right away and I'm like, yo, what's going on?

Yeah, you mog.

If you help me, dude, like, you can't help it.

You're underwater maxing.

I'm completely underwater. Underwater and sun maxing.

You are sun maxed. I've been in the sun, insane.

I've been in the sun just non-stop. I might have to check a different box next time.

You're getting close.

Yeah, at least, you know, non-white Hispanic. Yeah, I think I've earned non-white Hispanic.

Yeah, you're gonna hit a fucking amber. You're gonna Hispanic enough, dude.

Sure, I'll know when I get it. When I pick up my kids, it goes Yeah, dude, our—

I—

speaking of stress, dude, my— I found out my house has mold. Oh, in my fucking house, in Maya's room, there's like a— we had like a growth come out of the thing. And, uh, so, you know, we called the builder, which like— we bought it off someone else, but it's like pretty— it's a pretty new house. So we didn't have like— I didn't realize— I didn't know how like the warranty worked with all that shit. Turns out it was a noble builder. They came out, they're like, dude, you shouldn't be dealing with that. Just fix— they're fixing it as we speak.

This house gets mold fucking constantly.

You think so?

I've seen it.

I mean, it grows on the fucking ceilings near the vents. Yeah, that's not good.

It's wild, dude.

They— the problem was in the front of my house, they like— there's a huge stretch where they did just no flashing for some reason, and then there's like this tape they put around the seams that wasn't there. And dude, my whole front is just like black. The plywood is just black and just like completely chewed. It looks like my house was on fire. It's disgusting. So there's the boys are out there as we speak right now. Came up. Yeah, I was punishing them this morning. They showed up at 7. I had just come back from running, just so shirtless and completely sweaty. So I kept just trying to get close to talk to them, but like, I could tell they're like, yo dude, back. Yeah, back away.

You're true Austinite.

Back away.

Shirtless running.

Shirtless running.

True Austinite, dude.

I even did my boxer briefs in the pool recently just to get the feel of a Speedo. It was just me. I was by myself and I was like, I just want to see what a Speedo feels like.

Do you roll your— so you roll them up to make it a Speedo?

No, I just took my— I had boxers underneath my, uh, shorts.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if you talked to him to make—

no, I did like down to thigh Speedo. I'm a swim dad. I don't know if you know, I'm a swim dad right now. My kid was in swim, so I'm a salty dog. I'm a swim dad.

I'm a salty dog. I'm a limey salty dog. Land lover, land lover swim dad.

Swim dad's crazy. You can't— you gotta Separate it. You gotta have people put on fucking pants between the races. You can't have just fucking dude chiseled boys, high school boys, it's all ages, like Adonis walking around in their undies. I'm like, yeah, put some fucking pants on you. What the hell are we doing here? Because it's like, I don't look, but it's like the whole time you're just kind of like, yeah, you have to walk around just like— it's crazy. Yeah, it's a weird— and as everyone's acting like it's normal, this is not normal.

It's not normal.

It's just fucking weird. I'm not the only person being fucking feeling weird around here, and everyone's acting all fucking cool and normal, and I'm going, no, guys, this is fucked up. There's a bunch of high school boys in their underpants and everyone's acting like it's cool. I'm like, this shit's not cool.

Pray to God your daughters don't play volleyball. You're gonna be hitting a high school volleyball game.

I didn't even think about it.

Going, what the fuck is going on here?

What's funny too, because I think the coach of like the— our, our swim team, I, I don't know where he's— he seems like he was like an accomplished swimmer. He's got the swimmer's body, he's got a little accent too, he's fucking yoked, and, uh, he's a bit of a heartthrob. So we had, we had the end of year swim party. It's a bit of a dickthrob at the end of year. We had the end of year swim party and, uh My oldest daughter Maya was like, we're about to go to the party, and she was like, I wonder what Coach wearing? And I was like, I should blank his name out. She's like, I wonder what he's—

of course his name is fucking— yeah, this fucking guy.

I wonder what he's wearing. I was like, what? She's like, you think he's wearing a bow tie? And I was like, what the fuck? And I'm like, I don't know.

Went on, you were like, put on a bow—

I put on a bow tie.

Come on, let's go to the party. I hope he's wearing a It did make me laugh. It was so fucking really funny.

So funny. He's the man too. But yeah, it was, uh, he's, he's a fucking dude. He's a hard throb. It just is what it is, man.

There's nothing you can do about it.

I'm just a fucking guppy in the swimming world. It's just so hard, dude, to do it, just to come to grips with. I'm such a fucking turd.

You gotta get to, you gotta get to Barton Springs.

I've done it.

I know, but that's where, that's where you build your strength.

Real swim laps there down there, dude. I, I want to go there and do it.

That would be some good underwater observations.

That would be nice.

You can get real deep. You can get down.

I can also see.

You can get down amongst the fish and look up.

I could see a lot. I could peep a lot of game in Barton for sure.

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But yeah, I honestly think at my skill level— well, breaststroke, I can kind of breaststroke indefinitely. That's the one.

But it's like an easy one.

You can do it forever. Yeah, but the, uh, it'll— so it'll gas you. But I think I could do down, back, down, back, down, back, breaststroke. Freestyle halfway.

You'd have to go so slow.

Even when you go slow, you start fucking like running out of breath. Yeah, take— you get one breath where you take water in, panic. So yeah, that's been, it's been the high drama of swimming laps in the pool with old ladies at 9 AM. But it is nice. Swimming is the, it's the ultimate. Does your joints don't hurt afterwards? It's, it's like truly it's a skill. It's a skill to pick up for life that'll carry you. All the way into old age. Certainly. Yeah. What, got any more?

He's just—

horrible stories?

Well, yeah, that's what he was thinking.

You know, someone had a heart attack in the pool or something. Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry, I feel bad for bringing that up.

No, no, I don't think you should. I think— yeah, I think we feel bad for trying not to laugh.

I do.

It was—

it's more of a situational thing.

I'm just worried about you. I want you to be careful out on the water. I don't want to lose somebody else to the water.

In the pool, I think about having a heart attack in the pool every day. I—

careful, man.

Hey, it is what it is. If I fucking die swimming, I die swimming, man, you know? But I like the underwater, dude. I don't think I will.

You're not— you're a land lover. You get— there's— you're dying on land, I guarantee it.

You think I'm gonna fall into the dirt? You think I'm gonna fall into the dirt?

You're going straight into mud, dude. You're a land lover.

This is fucking bullshit, dude. This is fucking bullshit, man. But yeah, no, I, uh, how was last week?

How was the last week? It's been chaos. Yeah, I was about to say, dude, nothing— it's just non-stop chaos. Everything is—

can't even do a goddamn fun thing.

Can't even do cool things.

No, that's great.

I, I— oh, we're talking about the White House.

I canceled.

I was like, I'm not going. I shouldn't— I don't feel like dealing with this shit.

Yeah.

And then looked at my Instagram and they were doing dirt bike flips on the White House.

Fucked.

I was like, I gotta just see what this is.

Yeah. Well, I also— I, I don't, I don't like the, uh—

it was pretty wild.

Yeah, well, it's also one of those things.

Fight was fucking awesome. And the troops, dude, the troops were lining the fucking— it was I was just hanging out. Yeah, dude. And my section was like just Medal of Honor winners. It was— a dude would come up and be like, hey man, big fan. And then you look and he's wearing a fucking Medal of Honor, and you're like, thank you, sir. Thank you.

Yeah, that's—

it was cool.

But also the, the, uh, the critique from people around exclusive events that they're not invited, it's just kind of like, you won't know unless you get— you can't even— you can't I wouldn't have went. It's like, yeah, I doubt it.

I mean, I was thinking about not going, but saw that flyover and the dirt bikes.

I heard there was two.

The card was fucking— yeah, the second flyover scared me.

Stealth bomber.

Second one was a like— yeah, it was a loud bomber. And I was— I don't know if I'm allowed to say who I was with. I was with the Venezuela boys, sitting with those boys that pulled that off. What? Allegedly the Vangaboys.

I see what you're saying.

No, I was talking about the guys who grabbed Maduro.

I thought you're talking about the Venezuelan, like, regime. I was like, bro, nice.

Venezuela boys and me. And then there was that loud fucking bomber later, later in the night, and I was like, is that one of ours? Yeah, I want to make sure we're not— this isn't it.

That is a crazy thing to do to a bunch of veterans, have the the flyovers. Flyovers. All these people that could have PTSD.

No, they probably knew it was kind of—

none of them have PTSD from planes. Okay, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. All I know is a fucking boondoggle for me.

Nobody's, nobody's hitting us with planes.

It would scare the shit out of me.

It was good. It was pretty awesome.

Yeah, I had to do a lot. I had to put out a lot of fires that week. I have a huge liberal, liberal fan base. I have like 5 million followers on Bluesky. You guys don't even know about it. But yeah, I was putting out fire after fire all week. I'd be like, guys, dude, Dude, come on.

I didn't really— I didn't give a fuck. I mean, you shouldn't.

It's crazy.

I didn't.

It's crazy. It's so fucking dumb and crazy.

I—

the news, I just didn't look for a week and then it's gone.

Yeah, that's how much it doesn't matter. You just don't look and it goes. No, nobody fucking cares. Any regular person you talk to is going, oh yeah, either, oh yeah, I forgot that was happening, or Yeah, fuck, I wonder how that was. If you're for real getting mad about a news story, you're retarded. You're fucking— no, it's true. Especially that, if it's like, you know, of course, some— if it's like a cultural, political— it's like you're retarded. Like, you're for real.

The one that's making me laugh the most now is the reflecting pool. You see how people are— they're so upset about the reflecting pool, the algae in the— yeah, Trump, Trump like tried to redesign it or put like a blue fucking face to it. And now everyone's upset.

Why'd he try to blue it out?

I don't know.

You put like that shit in the toilet, make it look fucking sick, dude. True.

And the ellipsis, dude, the ellipsis. Don't even talk to me about the dead ass on the ellipsis.

What happened?

Not my ellipsis. Not like this. What is the ellipsis exactly? No one knows what the fuck the ellipsis is until now. Now all of a sudden everyone's going, the ellipsis grass is dead. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. We got bigger fish to fry than some fucking dead grass. That will be fine.

Yeah, that is funny how everyone suddenly was like, it's just such a sacred space and it should never have been used for—

it's like, shut up. I remember what was going on in there.

I saw, I saw HB. I saw Hunter.

I remember some old things in there.

Hunter Biden wrote—

shout out HB.

Nice words. It's nice words, but in the end he goes, I don't think that place should be desecrated like that. And it's like, yo, let's do a lie detector about whose cocaine was in the White House and And then don't talk about my boy HB. He's a man.

I saw the positive tweet, now I'm— he's a man. He was just— he said he liked me, so now I like him. HB all day, dude. HB, I forgive him.

Could make a run, dude. He's sensible. He did that tweet. I go, okay, this guy's sensible. He's not really inflammatory. He seems like he's, uh, he could bridge the aisle. He really could. All of his dirty laundry is out there. It's like, okay, what are you gonna do? Yeah, I fucking smoke crack. The guy in Canada smoked crack.

And he's the fucking man. He's the best. He was. RIP to a legend.

Oh, shit. I know he's dead.

RIP. Yeah, that fucking interview where he's like, yeah, I smoke crack. You're just jealous because nobody wants to do cool stuff with you. Yeah, he's doing a press conference and he's like, they're saying I ate that girl's pussy. I got plenty to eat at home. Thank you. He said I ate her pussy in an interview. I got plenty of fucking man. Yeah, plenty to eat at home. Also talking about eating his wife's pussy.

Also being like, plenty of it at home, just there.

Yeah, he was the fucking man.

She's kneading the dough for me right now. I'm about to come home and chomp on it.

But yeah, I gotta be honest, going to the White House was sick. Yeah, it was cool. Yeah, I kept my distance from the politicians.

Yep.

I wanted to enjoy the fights. They were good fights. It was a spectacle. Did hang out with the troops the entire time.

Sick.

The troops fucking rule.

Yes.

Then before that, I went to the NBA Finals. I was at— yep, I went to, I went to the first 4 games. My seat kept getting further. Last game, I was up.

Uh, that was crazy.

That was awesome. Yeah, that was, that was really cool. Completely neutral observer. It's fun to watch.

I was pulling for the—

there's— do you see the guy for Spurs? Also, I was the—

the—

I was— I was in New York. I didn't go to Game 5 when they won. I didn't go back to San Antonio, and I was very excited to walk around and see the chaos. Nothing.

It wasn't that chaotic.

Now, I think by, uh, Madison Square Garden it was wild. Yeah, but I was expecting— like, I was down like Washington Square Park. It was just a bunch of LARPers, dude. Yeah, there was a bunch of kids from NYU and a bunch of people that moved to New York that no one gives a fuck about the Knicks, and they were all just standing there like, what do we do? Yeah, how do we do this? And it reminded me, I was just— made me miss Philadelphia.

Yeah, true. It's instantly put, you know, right in Broad Street, it's—

there's somebody's people socking a horse, a police horse, right in the fucking mouth. So it's just—

yeah, what they don't know is you're allowed to break the law for 12 hours. So go break the laws and, you know, someone will die, unfortunately. Yes. Yeah, that is— yeah, that's kind of cool you got to see that because I wondered, like, because they made it look like it was complete chaos up by the Garden.

I think it was, and I think the parade was chaotic.

Yeah.

And also, uh, wasn't Trump there? So like, the whole thing was barricaded.

Trump was at Game 3. Yeah, that was fun.

How was that?

Uh, it was crazy trying to get into the stadium because they blocked off like blocks around the stadium.

That's nuts.

And yeah, yeah, got to hang out with the boys in blue though. NYPD, it's tight, it's nice.

Yeah, cops, turns out cops are pretty chill. NYPD are chill. Yeah, they're, they're busy enough too where they're not like breaking your balls about dumb stuff. I got pulled over the other night down here in Austin. I just literally completely sober, getting tan, bro. You better get used to it.

I'm a suspicious driver here. Suddenly suspicious.

Also, my car looks like— inside of my car looks like a crackhead's car. There's shit, there's just like the weirdest assortment of shit everywhere. There's like shit that I get mailed. There's like t-shirts and plastic bags, a basketball, food containers. And the guy pulled up, he goes like, having a good night, man? My headlights were off. He's like, Surefire DUI. And I was just like, oh, that was Foreman. He was just like, ah, shit. And he looked, I think he smelled the breath too, clean as hell. But yeah, so I got off. I got to do all my cop stuff, turn the lights on inside, so like put him at ease. Window fully down.

I was—

wheel, both hands visible for sure. I did have a little joint I had to hide right down. Didn't even move my shoulder, but kind of proud of myself for that.

Not moving your shoulders, nice.

It was— dude, I just scooped it out a little hand rest, dropped it on the floor right as he was walking.

I said, I would have panicked, dude. I've watched too much Midwest Safety.

I was cool as a cucumber.

I, I like literally jumped in the passenger seat, but like, the driver, driver took off, dude. I don't even know.

These aren't my pants. He's my brother. These are my brother's pants. Yeah, he already got out and freaked the fuck out. I would have said I was a sovereign citizen.

I would have hit him with the Poirier. Hmm. See, what's good, bro?

Yeah, it's good.

It's gonna be bad for you. That's right.

That must have been terrifying for that cop. Chill, chill, chill, chill.

He goes, yo, are you Dustin Poirier? You gotta be like, yeah, this is gonna be bad for you. And then he hit the, uh, I would have tased him right away, dude.

I would just— yeah, but then if that dude, God forbid he pulls that out.

And the shortslift, do you see the shortslift? He hit the fucking shortslift squaring up and it's like, oh no, I've seen this.

No, man, that's, that's for real terrifying. And everyone's like, yo, do something about this guy. It's like, I'd have to train for 5 years.

I have to train, I have to go back in time, I have to get a time machine and start training when I'm 10 years old. Oh, I have a gun.

Yeah, no, it would have been— it have to be tase. He's got a tase and just rip it, big bro.

If you do—

if you—

that's so scary. I guess too, if he closed the distance, he would have fucking— I don't know if he clocked that.

Poirier's the man.

Yeah, it happens, dude. That happens.

I think everybody forgives him. Everyone's like, that was actually a sick video. It is kind of cool as fuck in that. Yeah, dude, not that that's cool, but he pulled it off.

Yeah, Justin Timberlake did the same thing. He had a cool drunk video when the guy was like, uh, what's— what are you doing?

He was like, it's gonna ruin the tour. I'm, uh, it's gonna ruin the whole world tour.

I'm on a world tour. Yeah, he's like, no, I'm actually—

he's gonna ruin the tour. He goes, what tour? The world tour.

Although then you see footage from the tour where he's just kind of like Don't care, don't want to do this. JT, I've been—

I've been trying the world— you're saying he mailed in the world tour? I haven't seen it.

There's a video. No, people were mad. Again, you never know what happens, but there was a video where he was just like kind of, you know, the audience sings. He was just walking around on stage and just hitting this. He was kind of phoning it in, phoned in the world tour. But that's his— that's his business. Yeah, I want to get JT on so bad.

That'd be awesome.

So bad. I, I've I— my strings that I could pull, I tried.

I had one— I think we can get HB on.

HB?

Hunter Biden.

I think we get Hunter on.

We get HB.

I think we get HB. And, you know, again, I'm kidding about cocaine in the White House. Could have been anybody's, but literally could have been anyone's. If you want to— if you talk about cocaine, there's a lot— that's a cocaine archetype, the whole business of politics. So it was just obviously a clever joke on Hunter Biden.

Of course, of course.

I would love to get HB on. HB and JT would be huge simultaneously.

Simultaneously. Yeah, we should start booking just random— two fucking random people.

I'll bring the clear podiums. We'll have two people standing while we sit down. Like, JT, you were drunk. JT, you were drunk. That's so fucking funny. JT DUI. Also, it's got to be crazy, a DUI, when you're JT and you're like, this isn't going to affect me at all. Like, this is like, okay, I'll just hire someone to drive me. This is fucking a minor inconvenience, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know what I'm fucking saying?

Yeah, for sure.

Can't believe I got profiled while I was driving tan. Yeah, that's crazy.

Dang, you're getting too tan, dude.

I'm—

dude, I'm tan and jacked.

I'm trying to see— you think you get—

if you keep getting more jacked, they're gonna go straight for the taser.

I feel like I'm at a place you're entering full threat territory. I'll just be adjusting my shorts and I'll get tased.

Full threat territory.

I want to see how, how tan I can go. This is— I think I'm maxed out. This is—

you know what you can do?

You think I can get more?

No, you can do more, dude.

I'm also— I think I'm plateauing. I don't think I'm getting—

no, I noticed how jacked you were.

No way.

When I walked in, I haven't seen you in fucking 10 days. I was like, goddamn, what happened?

Competition's almost over. I've been doing a calorie competition with who? Uh, two of my neighbors.

What's the calorie?

My bros. Whoever burns the most calories total in the month of June wins. I'm, uh, I'm pretty good. I'm on par to hit about like 35,000 for June.

It's crazy.

Yeah, it's been pretty— I had a 3,000-calorie day. I think it really like fucked me up. That's why I really worry about having a heart attack in the pool. Yeah, I'm like really excited for this to end. I don't know why this is— this thing spiraled out of control and now it's just complete panic. Every time I get an alert to my thing being like blah blah blah started a workout, I'm like, fucking bastard. Fuck. I check my enemies every day. One of my enemies up there, like, all right, I gotta run 4 miles. It's been actually kind of fun. Yeah, calorie off is a— it's been a fun thing. And it's honestly one of those things where they say like, well, you can overtrain, you need rest days. I've had no rest days. It's been 30 fucking days. It's like, maybe not. Maybe you actually don't need a rest day. Maybe it's all fucking bullshit.

Yeah, those rest days really, they sink my battleship.

Yeah, they turn into rest.

Go to gym for 3 days, I go rest day, and then you go, fuck it, I'm still sore. Double, 2 rest days, and you go, fuck it, I'm not going Going back to the fucking—

yeah, it turns into rest. Yeah, turns out you don't really need them. They're bullshit. Sorry to break it to you guys, exercise physiologists and doctors. I'm definitely very healthy and I'm not going to have a heart attack because I've fucking done like 1,000 calories a day for 30 days. I'm on— what's the date today? Let me see. Okay, dude, it's also— I will say it's not fair in this competition because Uh, my friends have like jobs they have to be at, so I, I'll fucking hit like a fucking 2-hour block. It's been actually— yeah, it's been, it's been fun. But I will say, I'm like, all right, this is— I gotta chill. This is, this is just not, it's not nice.

But, but yeah, stressful and negative things coming with texts. No, it's not that bad.

It never is as bad as you think, honestly.

I'll tell you this one.

What?

You think it's a bad one? Oh no. All right.

We done?

Yeah.

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