Transcript of Ep 623 - The Good Guy Weed (feat. Lemaire Lee)

The Wild Wild West. Yeah, I had to— for some reason I woke up at 7 AM, so I'm ruined.

It's a way to do it.

I don't know how. Yeah, I understand why a lot of times we're doing the podcast, I look over and you're like, yeah, yeah, dude, I get it. Normally I woke up an hour ago, just for—

you're just coming to—

said the money mindset this morning, dude.

I did have the money mindset.

That's it, talk about it.

You had to get up and grind.

We fired up I got up and cried. We're fucking podcasting, dude. What if I said my Social Security number?

We were— I did have the money mindset. You did? Woke up, played NCAA football for 3 hours, so I got that out of my system. Now I can attack the day without distractions, for sure. Then I watched World Cup soccer. Nice. So extremely productive.

Not bad.

I mean, watch World Cup soccer after this, and then I'm gonna at the end of this watch World Cup soccer.

Yes, it's— I mean, dude, it's the best.

Coming home.

The best game's got to come home to America.

It's got to come home to America, dude.

If we win, it'll be so funny just because it is— we don't really care about soccer.

Fucking impossible.

I know, but it'd be so funny.

We're gonna need some major upsets. We need—

who do we gotta beat?

I saw today that technically the road for us to win would be like, we're gonna hopefully play Belgium in the next round. Okay, if we get past Bosnia, we got Belgium, Spain, France, Argentina. Sheesh, just is not gonna happen.

Yeah, that's tough.

It'll be fun.

The countries, uh, hold on, what was it? Spain? No, but kind of. They were boys.

Argentina.

Belgium he got. Argentina he lived in after. And France he got.

So yeah.

Oh, so it's just us versus the Axis again.

The Axis is already out, dude.

Fucking it, dude.

The Axis, the Axis all got eliminated.

Oh, okay. I didn't realize how much Italy didn't make it.

Japan and Germany, they're all out.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, good.

Nice.

Sweet. Although I heard a lot of people from South America don't like Argentina. I didn't realize Argentina is pretty hated in South America.

Yeah, they're quiet.

Yeah. When I heard they're proud of it too, that's what I heard. I heard the Argentinians are proud of it. Really? Yeah, I have it on good authority that they're, uh, pretty mean to everybody else.

And so just south of the equator you can—

yeah. Oh yeah, in Argentina you can because you got that fucking flair.

I think South Africa gets pretty— oh yeah, although any whites south of the equator— Australia used to— now Australia's— they've lived out.

Yeah, but no, the, um, I think, you know, I think you can— I think in Argentina you can just fucking— you're Bailando like that, you can just be like, fuck that, cool. But there was a lady, there was a Black South African R&B lady, and they were like, oh, so how do you— as a Black, you know, as a Black— she's like, I'm fucking South African. She kind of shut it down, like, don't hit me with that America shit. She's like, I'm just African, get out my fucking face.

Like that.

Yeah, it's kind of—

yeah, so it's like trick his stupidity. Yeah, is he a white UFC fighter that's just like, I'm the only African here? Yeah, like Nigerian fighters that live in America get mad.

Does he still fight?

He hasn't had a fight in like a year.

It's been a while.

Yeah.

What do you think about the Conor McGregor fight? What do you think's happening?

I'm excited.

Are you shocked of his physique?

I'm, I'm always shocked at this. No matter what he's doing, I go, holy fuck, he's going nuts, dude.

What weight, what weight class is he fighting at? Is it usual?

Uh, yeah, probably around 170.

That's his usual.

A little heavy for when he was great.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah. Max Holloway versus Conor, it's gonna be a nice fight.

It'll be an awesome fight. Yeah, I would love to go, but yeah, I cannot really lock in for the links, dude. It can't be true. Out in Vegas.

Yeah, did you see the, uh, I'll be there.

You can turn on the TV. Oh shit, oh shit, I'm gonna do that. I was in Blizzard, I was just standing in the pool. I was like, this is what I'm gonna do until the 17th, and then on the 16th I'm gonna go, oh fuck, slowly get out of the pool, go get your briefcase. Oh shit, oh fuck, oh no.

Scary. So scary. What's crazy too is if you think about it, this show— I never thought about it till now— is bigger than local news shows.

What, our show?

Yeah, way bigger than local news shows.

This podcast?

Yeah, by—

it's— we've been bigger since fucking like 2017.

I never thought about that though. That's crazy. Local news, or even like, let's say regional news, is that a thing? It's just crazy, all that. If you go to the local news station, there's so much hubbub in production.

Yeah.

It's just crazy. I just like thought about now, like, damn, that's crazy.

It's weird.

This is basically local news, kind of like—

this is local news.

It's nuts.

We break down the local news. Yeah, Patreon, we covered it. That was the real one. We'll see how bad this goes from there. We could do it. Our own Dong Lamong.

Oh dude, let me do a fun fact. This actually is a— this fact fucked me up. So do you guys like oysters?

Yeah.

Do you know when you eat an oyster, it's alive? Yeah, it's still alive. What? And when you're, when you're trying to open the oyster, the reason it's hard, because the oyster is going like, no, and it's holding the shell together. So when you open it, it's like, you can do it in a way where you kind of like cause it like, you know, I guess slightly less pain.

Yeah.

But if you do it kind of like, uh, artfully, you can still feel the oyster. I guess it has like a pulse. Yeah, you can actually feel it on your tongue. But they're, they're living. When you open its shell, that's like kind of like the KO. They're like, oh yeah.

And then you fucking I don't think they're thinking too much.

Yeah, but still, they're still alive.

It's crazy.

Yeah, I mean, they are actively fighting you, like, no, no, no, stop it, stop it. You go, ah, ow, and you slurp them down. I just— that blew my fucking mind. I had no idea they're still alive.

Yeah, I wonder how often they're— how often they're alive.

I think, I think they are alive. I think that if you're serving dead oysters, they go bad really quick, and they can actually live out of water for like a pretty long time. So they're— I think the majority of oysters you eat are alive. Just cool to think about. That's why you get so charged when you eat them.

Yeah, you get sexually charged.

Yeah, you ate a fucking living creature. It's hot.

How do you think they come? How do oysters like procreate?

How do they procreate? Yeah, from getting ripped open and eaten. They probably fucking come.

That's a great question, Lamar.

Yeah, that is good.

Can we get some fucking, uh, let's find out what's going on with oysters and other seemingly stationary creatures. Although oysters are probably moving around a little.

Yeah, you see that one they've been eating?

Yeah, they just jizz out, jizz into the fucking— they jizz a mist.

And it actually did that in the shower today. I broadcast, I broadcast Spawn in the shower today. Very oyster-like. Must have been the oysters I ate last week, took over my mind and body. We gotta fucking spray this shit in the water. So they just, they just fucking send it out there.

Yeah, it seems like, like, I'm This is really quick read, but it seems like it's just eggs get shot out and sperm gets shot out and it just mixes.

Yo, that's such a good way to do it.

Yes, it's free swimming larvae is what it's saying. Uh, but I can't believe like Nat Geo video of this.

I bet we do.

And the girl oysters being like, that's not bad. That'd be a good dating, like a subsection of Tinder where you could just fucking Shake the dice, two random people. You send out your seed, they'd be like, oh, we mixed it, you guys have a little niño. It's time to settle down. And you know, you settle down.

Yeah, we're not going to settle down.

Wife, you can become an Episcopalian priest.

I live a foot away, I'm never going to see her. I'm on the other side of this rock, I'll never see that bitch again. I was just nutting, hoping to find something.

Says when they're doing it too, like, the water gets milky.

It's just like a milky mist of like eggs and sperm because it's just like 100 million of them a year. Has anyone ever eaten that?

Probably.

Does the oysters taste good? I'm venturing to guess that their fucking splooge is probably nice.

Delicious splooge and oyster milk.

Oyster milk would be nice, huh?

When we eat steak.

Well, you said since oysters taste good, you think their milk would taste good. But we eat cows all the time and I don't think they're—

well, what are you talking about? That's— you named like the best example of milk.

He's talking about— he's talking about no, no, no milk though.

Like, yeah, I wouldn't drink.

I might think you've never had cow jizz though.

Fair. Yeah, sorry for bringing it up.

It's okay. I wouldn't be— I wouldn't have thought about it.

If you for real—

you goddamn dopers, bro.

If you—

second podcast we do is always the dopers.

These guys got to cut out the pot big time.

It's taking over your life.

If you were to chug Bullcum, might not be the best taste, but you would be turbocharged, dude.

You'd get stronger.

You would 100% get stronger.

Wasn't that Red Bull? Wasn't that like what was in Red Bull originally?

No, dude, isn't it like taurine?

I think it's just taurine. Is—

isn't it like extracted from—

no, no, I think just the name is from Taurus.

Yeah, it's not bull cum. I mean, look that— we need to look that up. If taurine is bull cum, there's—

I call it bull cum. There's no way. I think it's just the name.

Sehr gut, sehr gut, sehr gut, sehr gut. Wieso Steuer ist sehr gut?

Das sagen ganz viele.

Wer sagt das? Stiftung Warentest, Computerbild, Focus Money, Chip, Finanztipp.

Such dir was aus.

Mega, aber das ist doch bestimmt kompliziert. Nö, einfach Foto von der Lohnsteuerbescheinigung machen und fertig.

Klingt sehr gut.

Ist sehr gut.

Mit Wieso Steuer bis zum 31.

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Es gelten Bedingungen auf PayPal.de. I'd actually be curious if taurine derives from bull, but then it would derive from all cum, right? There's no way bulls have superior cum unless that's why people used to worship them back in the day. I don't know what the fuck even is taurine, dude.

I saw a video of Burt Kreischer getting hit by a bull. It was not— it looked like it hurt so bad.

When the fuck did Burt get hit by a bull?

In like 2002.

He got hit by a bull? Yeah, dude.

I saw the new Jackass.

How was it?

Knoxville gets one more bull in. Yeah, and it is fucking terrible.

Was there anything in there that was like—

Yes, super horrible. Oh yeah, there was one I couldn't watch.

I heard there was one that—

There's one that's like the grossest thing I've ever seen.

Really?

Yes.

Yikes.

It was— they all drink like a colonoscopy laxative. Oh, and then wear Saran Wrap pants and play Twister. And then everyone starts shitting and throwing up, dude. It was— that was the worst one. I love Jackass, dude. At the end of Jackass, what a finale. I get emotional every single—

you really?

I love it so much.

Jackass 3 makes me cry every time.

Every time, dude.

Every time. At the end of that, they got the tribute to Ryan Dunn and then playing the Weezer song. Yeah.

What about Chris Pontius? Is always drinking cum. I was just watching the old episodes.

He did drink some cum.

That's why it popped into my head. Did he really?

He drank, uh, He drank horse cum the one time they put the fake coochie on the horse and then it like fucks it and it fills up like a baby bottle of milk. Yeah, that's so disgusting.

Did he throw up? I don't think he threw up, but everybody else.

Yeah, everyone else.

He's a cum queen.

He is a bit of a cum queen. He can handle it.

He might be my favorite.

The more I watch the old movies, he's so fun.

He's a semen demon. It's also so— it's like an old circus. It's like you have acrobats. It's like, what do you do? It's like, I'll just drink all the cum.

Uh, oh God, yeah, Steve-O's an ass man.

Yep, yep.

But Danger Aaron goes wild. Yeah, he's been going hard the last couple.

Yeah, really?

Two.

What's that?

Dave England.

Yeah, those two are holding it down.

They're trying to get their checks, dude.

They are.

But Knoxville, he had, he had one, and he's emotional the whole movie. Yeah, which is, it's really sad. I mean, it's nice.

That's the final one, but it's, yeah, allegedly it's got to be.

But the third one was supposed to be the final one. Yeah, it was like forever.

He always says it's the last one.

Yeah.

This one, this one was it.

Was there any Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am? Was Bam in there at all?

Yeah, I mean, they show like— it's, it's a lot of like old clips.

Got you, got you. Yeah, I'm a big fan of Bam right now.

Yeah, of course, Bam rules.

I like what he's up to.

He's back skateboarding. I know, that's nice. I like it. Yeah, I don't know why seeing him skateboarding makes me happy.

Yeah, of course, that's awesome. Yeah, he's a man. It's his victory over his demons, dude. Yeah, it's the best. When I see him on the board, I get for real like, yes, yes, man, yes! Just the fucking 13-year-old in me is like, dude, Bam's back! And was like the coolest guy I could ever think of. For the longest time I was like, dude, this guy is the best.

I used to get so hyped when they'd show Westchester. Yeah, I'd be watching Jackass, be like, that's Westchester, I've been there.

You're like, my boy actually knows that house, he drove by once. I've been there, I remember that. I was there at Boards and Blades. Bam came one time and we were— it was like Boards and Blades, dude. Apollo must have— it was, it was insane. It was like a god among us.

We're like, dude, Dude, I heard he has like 4 fucking sponsors and we're like, you see, you'd see the purple Lambo in town when I was going to Westchester.

This is pre-Lambo days.

Holy shit, there he is.

Oh, that's crazy.

Drive through that, you drive past that Wawa by Tires.

No, no, this is— this was what he just was sponsored and he was like a very nasty skateboarder and then the thing came out afterwards. But everyone's like, dude, Bam is like the best skater in this area.

I used to work at Burger King in Westchester and they would come by all the time. It's pretty cool. Really?

Yeah.

Oh, there's the one guy who didn't like mustard. I always offered him mustard. I can't remember his name.

Who didn't like mustard and you offered him mustard?

I always offered him mustard. He'd be like, haha.

And he got, he got a kick out of it.

He liked it.

You're doing a little CKY prank on them.

What time period? When were you serving the king?

Uh, dude, from like Oh wait, you worked at Burger King in Westchester? And not in Westtown, like down the highway, around the grocery store. Yeah, near the Giant.

You were, you were a surf in the burger. You were a burger surf.

Yeah. And you, they jackass guys to roll in, you'd be like, they just come, you're like, ew, Wee Man. I saw Wee Man drive. Wee Man would come in the drive-through.

Wee Man?

Yeah, he would come in the drive-through and he had like pedals. He'd have like stilts.

It's fucking The very farthest.

Yeah, I met the lead singer of Lamb of God last week on like a Wednesday, just like at a bar in Virginia. He was just hanging out and I was like, oh shit, what's up dude? Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Yeah, fucking sick. I'll be honest, the metal guys, I've never gotten into metal. Really? No, and I would always hear they're like super nice and everything. I just wouldn't, I wouldn't even know.

I feel like they're like either really fun hangs are really tough hangs. Yeah, the metal guys.

It's also gonna suck if you're like metal band starts doing well and you're just not like super angry anymore.

You're not evil.

They're like, all right dude, get up there, and you're like, ah, and you're like, dude, I just want to dance right now. So well, things are going good for me the first time. I have a hot goth babe.

Yeah, I was thinking that about R&B singers. It has to be like kind of sad to like sing about pussy still in your 50s.

Yeah, I don't know. I feel like 50-year-old dudes— true, I think they all sing about pussy like at all times.

Yeah, I think there's a slight dip for a minute and then you get old enough and you're just like, no, you're back to just the horniest. Yeah, exactly.

Once the babes— yeah, when you're 50 and you see a fucking hot 22-year-old, it must be—

dude, sorry, chaos.

One divorce.

Because you go through a phase where you're like, I'm too old.

Yeah.

And then you go through a phase where it'd be like, I'm gonna die if I can fuck this girl. Everyone, everyone's gonna support this. No one's gonna think it's weird.

Yeah, you go, you go from being like, I'm like the oldest guy in this bar, I'm feeling like a creep, and then you're like, what college you going to, babe?

Yeah, look at your friends, you guys are beautiful. Oh God, what I'd give for a night with you.

I think your fear of death and your horniness just merge and they, they just combine into like the most powerful force.

It also goes from, you reach a certain, like our age, now we're tricking a young girl.

Yeah.

But then when you get old, she's kind of tricking you a little. That's true. Society looks at it that way.

I, yeah, I could see that. That's fair. You're a victim. You're an unfortunate victim.

You're an unfortunate— yeah, like he's, yeah, he's a rich old man, this young fucking money-grubbing bitch.

Yeah.

All right, actually, Donald Sterling, shout out to him.

Yeah.

Fuck it. True. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, everyone's going to Bill Belichick and I was up there saying, what are we talking about?

I mean, I'll be honest, the Bill Belichick thing is fucking— it's, it's— he should just smash. My thing is like, just smash on the low. The fucking—

he's, he's doing Instagram, he's laying, he's—

it's too horny. If you have to, if you want to do that, totally understandable. Smash. I don't care. I clearly—

also think about all the time He sacrificed.

He won so many Super Bowls.

Yeah, that's true.

Who's going to talk shit? Yeah, it's not, hey man, I think it's weird you're banging a young 20-year-old fucking 5-year-old hot chick. Why are you going to a cheerleading competition? Just like, bro, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, but I think it would just be after a while that will fade. It'll be, I'm having sex with a hot young chick. Awesome. The minute you're putting up with hot young chick bullshit at 70, it's just like, bro, kill me.

I bet he— I bet he can't think he doesn't process it.

No way anyone could understand. Actually, yeah, just like, ah, shut up, like I give a fuck, shut up.

I mean, he's not a bitch, dude. He's not one of us. He's not going to be like, yeah, whatever you say, I'm sorry, you're right. No, you'd be like, yeah, yeah, why don't you fucking get out of my house?

You think? Yeah, maybe that's the news hating on him because they make it seem like he's getting strung along.

Yeah, Bill Belichick would never be an obsessed guy win like that.

I, I will say, here's, here's what I'll say. Here's what I'll— this is the one thing that I feel like is strange where it's like, at how old is he now?

Probably close to 80.

Yeah, my thing is like, I feel like you gotta find something else if you're still a sex guy at 80. It's like, it's, it's weird, bro.

He's the head coach of the True, but he's— yeah, he's only 74.

All right, some drive.

He's still horny. He's a head coach at North Carolina Tar Heels, bro.

He's got a—

he's coaching college football and banging the young. First off, they're all doing that.

Yes, that's true.

They all are. He's just the only one going on the gram other than, uh, what's his name at LSU. Lane Kiffin is fucking freak boy.

I've heard, I've heard shirtless fucking post-hot yogas with fucking—

it's crazy.

My— I, I do think it's— I do think as a 70-year-old guy, it's, it's the same thing. Like, that's why you shouldn't fuck kids, because it's weird. There's a serious, like, asymmetry in age. If you're 70 and she's 20, you're doing the thing that everyone's like, not allowed to do that, but they're going, come on, man, what are you doing? I, I just think it's— I think it is weird.

You're getting a fucking 60-year-old, huh? You want him to bang a 60-year-old?

No, he's just got to completely stop. He's got to just give it up.

Is he divorced?

What are you talking about?

I'm telling you, give up having sex. Yeah, it's 70.

You got to have divorced or dead wife. That's how you get a young girl in 70. Divorced or dead wife.

It's weak.

I think those are the only things.

It's just get a hooker. Get a hooker if you want to go pure sex. Get a hooker.

This bro got in trouble for that.

True. His brother did get crushed. He goes, all right, we're going to fucking— we're going to go right to the source. Yeah, you're talking— we're going to buy the cow.

Somehow you're wrong. This is the Patriot way, bro.

I don't like it. I don't think it's good. You have to— the only path to true happiness is virtue. If you're 70 years old, it's a beast, bro.

He's a beast.

That's not a good life, dude. The only—

that's not the good life? Not Super Bowl, couple Super Bowls, head coach of college team.

That's all— stuff's awesome, just— but you have to go the way of virtue.

I bet you he's banging her friends too.

No, he's not, dude.

He might be barely banging her.

No, I mean, he got the Bluetooth on deck.

I'm telling you, it's— he should be setting an example for young men to go, hey guys, he should be on the Misty Mountain. That's just— I don't know, it's sad. I— there's something about it. Just my honest reaction. I'm not saying he could do it.

I forgot the other Patriots. You just gotta think about like Vrabel, Patriot.

Who's Vrabel?

Vrabel. He's got some scandal.

Does he really?

Dude, you just gotta like, uh, it's like, it's like, uh, he's been working so hard his whole life. He had a wife, he wasn't focused on any of that, and then he's retired and now he's like, what the hell am I doing? Let me live, I'm rich, let me hang out, let me be the best.

What, the consumer? It's consumer mermaid Instagram.

Yeah, uh, well, that's hilarious, but just, this is just another Instagram, but seeing a 74-year-old dude like posted up at like a party photo station.

There's something that strikes me as slightly sad about it. Young Babes are obviously awesome. They are obviously awesome.

You can definitely look at it that way.

I do. It's just my natural reaction. I go, ah, I don't like it.

We do have to hurt the value of Young Babes. They're too confident. They're too powerful right now.

You think so? Yeah. Nah, that's, that's a— they're like gold, dude. They don't go down.

We need to get the babes in trade school.

I'm sorry to sour the vibe. I'm just being honest. I just—

I don't think you're selling them.

I see that and I go, Belichick. It's weird. And here's, here's the gauge. It's probably because I have kids, but I'm like, if my 20-year-old daughter was dating a 70-year-old, I'd try to stop. I do everything in my power to be like, no. Don't do that. That guy, you're his sex doll.

But Matt, what if he had 6 Super Bowl rings?

It's bad. It's gonna end up bad. He's gonna die.

True.

I hopefully— yeah, and I would be going, I hope this guy dies as soon as possible.

Do heroin and shit. I hope he does heroin. I hope North Carolina goes 8-4, he does heroin and bangs a fucking 25-year-old.

It's philosophical rift. There's no way. It's bad. It's genuinely bad. I would go, this is a bad thing this guy's doing. I would pray on his downfall the entire time. I hope this guy dies now. If he was dating my 20-year-old kid, I go, I want this guy to die because he's being crazy.

It's—

he's being— it's weird.

But whatever.

Sorry, I'm just— I'm just— I've been up too early. I'm thinking of my sweet kids, dude.

That's fair. But yeah, a hard line on this one. I like it.

What if it was like—

it's not even hard line, I just think— I was just thinking, I was like, it's weird.

What if it was like a certain way weird?

Yeah, no, I don't think anyone thinks it's normal. That's why it's funny.

It's not. Yeah, I have the least funny take. I'm sorry. That's okay. Actually, it's not nice.

What if it was like a legendary lesbian old lady coach? Would you have a problem then?

With your daughter?

100%.

Anybody doing something weird with a daughter is definitely a no.

Yeah, I don't know. I, I like the idea of a geezer going on like a vision quest where it's like completely detaching and just going off like Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan. And just, there's something about it, like an 80-year-old's like gripping sensory pleasures. It's like, fuck dude, let him go. Yeah, you're gonna fucking die. Like, go over titties, dude, you're gonna die.

Really, dude? But they're always like fucking at old folks— at old folks homes.

Yeah, also disgusting to think about.

Without a doubt disgusting. But come on, man, you don't— I know you don't want them to still have life.

You can have life. Well, this is again—

who are you to tell people not to have sex?

I'm not saying don't have sex. Trust me, as one who's been ruled by sexual impulses, it's never led me to a good place.

Is it because you're afraid you were hoping someday to conquer the sexual impulse, and to see a man fall to it, it brings you a little—

perhaps it might, it might just, it might just remind me of my greatest weaknesses and fucking struggles in life.

To me, it's like, you know, seeing an old man smoke a cigarette, or at the bar, you go, peace, right, bro?

True.

Yeah, find what you love and let it kill you.

It's true.

What, are you gonna fucking get morals at the end? Now that I'm 75, it's time for me to stop enjoying the things I used to like and read a good book. And fall asleep and die.

Now maybe that's why Ric Flair rules, dude.

Yeah, Ric Flair fucking rules.

I got hammered with Flair and he was pointing at chicks at the bar.

Yeah, yeah, don't get me wrong, it was like—

but like, fuck yeah, he's doing his thing, man. It's just, you know, I'm getting old.

I'm getting a fucking woo at the bar.

That's something I would say.

They're doing a fucking Migos music video. Fucking right.

Yeah, the dirt sheets were saying Ric Flair would get drunk and challenge people to plank at the bar. Like, old man Ric Flair would challenge people to planks. He'd do a 5-minute plank, like, you owe me some beer.

5-minute plank's nuts. Yeah, whatever. I've soured the cast. I'm sorry, dude, I've soured the cast.

There's—

I've absolutely—

nothing you're saying is incorrect.

I just—

I like though, who's, uh, somebody was just telling me this old UFC fighter has a bar. There's— I like when like an old wrestler Odio, is it Liddell?

No, it's Tito Ortiz. Yeah, he's running Florida right now.

Yeah, he's gotta be— he's at a bar and he just posts up.

Yeah, just bartends. Yeah, strip shots.

That's sick.

Tells everybody, I'll beat the fuck out of you. Fuck it.

I knocked out Chuck Liddell once.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, you got to do something. I don't know, I just—

I don't know.

Sure, you could be around for your grandkids or whatever, but fuck them kids, dude. I'm gonna open a bar in Florida and fuck die.

That's how Hulk Hogan died.

Yeah, Hulkamania.

Yeah, didn't he open a bar down there? Yeah, Hulkamania fucking rocks.

I'm telling you, I'm too virtue-pilled right now. I'm too— not, not— and again, we're not talking about— apparently in medieval time there was the virtues where you just do cool stuff and you'd be a noble fucking— a noble person.

Like, they'd be bummed out when you find out what they were up to back then.

They— well, they had, they had blind spots, obviously. They had blind spots. They didn't have blind spots. So I don't know, but it is, it's a sick idea. It's like, what else? Yeah, I don't know what else you do. I'm also a big— I don't feel like stuff, like when good things happen, I'm like, okay, yeah, like if I was 80 having sex with a 24-year-old, it would just be, it'd be sick the first couple times, obviously, but then I would just go, well, what else am I gonna do?

It wouldn't be sick the whole time, man.

Huh?

It wouldn't be sick.

No, I know, for sure not, for sure not. Eventually it never is. Yeah, but eventually it's just like I mean, Jay-Z cheated on Beyoncé, you know.

Eventually you go, yeah, I could do something else. But he's got the season to look forward to.

He does have the season.

He's got to lock in for the Tar Heels.

I mean, dude, imagine, okay, imagine a bit of a distraction. So, you know, she probably hit him with the like, so I was thinking maybe this weekend we go to my parents' house. Imagine Belichick coming up like, what the fuck?

We got Clemson this week.

We gotta— you're trying to grill hot dogs, honey, honey, we gotta focus on Clemson.

Yeah, she's occasionally on the sideline.

That's fair, that's fair.

It's a great program.

She's probably good. Don't just say that's why they gave her the job, dude. She's probably really good at what she does. What does she do?

Matt hit the fucking virtue weed. He hit the fucking good guy weed.

Sorry, sorry.

A little toke of that good guy.

I'm hung up on the virtue Dude, we need— people need— not again, not just like the rule-following kind of medieval virtue. I'm talking about truly fucking— yeah, yeah, I love that shit.

Virtue. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it is, it's the, you know, again, it's the, uh, whatchamacallit, that was Socrates's big thing. He's like, dude, if you had an itchy butt for your whole life and you scratched the itch but the itch remained, is that truly pleasure? Sheesh. Yeah, dude. And I said, fuck, Socrates, I have an itchy butt all the time and no, it's not pleasure.

Scratching, it's such a pleasure.

Scratch is a pleasure, but the itch remains forever. So is that truly pleasure?

So then what? Yeah, what, what? So the itch is going to remain no matter what?

You got to clean your butt. Oh well, yeah, of course.

But in that, in that analogy, well, is that the highest good?

That's the question. Is that the highest good? He's like, if the itch remains, is it truly the highest good?

Uh, no, it's like it can't be the highest good, but it definitely— if the itch is going to remain no matter what, and when you scratch it, it feels good.

True.

But they get a little respite from the little rest from the itch.

True. I mean, again, that was the other one, dude. If there's too much—

but I don't think there's too much tension on the bow. I don't think a hot 25-year-old girlfriend is an itchy butt.

I'd say they might— it could be itchy butt.

They're the best version of an itchy butt for sure, compared to an ugly 70-year-old wife. Yeah, they can be a real itchy butt.

Who knows?

No scratch.

They could be an itchy butt with zero scratch. They could be an itchy butt for sure.

And she knows everything about you, you know? An old 70-year-old wife who knows everything about you, she can hurt you.

I think you would go— you would go post-sex by 70. You're not— you're going to be— I think you would move beyond it for the most part, or you just get like a sad, you know, maintenance hand jobs, work on your garden. I'm subscribing my life. Let's get real into gardening, dude. I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about. You guys are jerks. You guys are fucking jerks.

You gotta, you gotta get NCAA. You gotta run a program, run the Tar Heels, lock in, live a day in the, you know, walk a mile in his shoes.

We should Freaky Friday.

You and Bill?

No, we should Freaky Friday. We should Freaky Friday, but just not—

I can't do anything other than what I do. I know what I do. I'm not— I can't.

No, we should Freaky Friday but not switch bodies.

You just show up at my house. Hey babe, I wonder how many days it would take for them to accept it. I think after a decade they would be like, yeah, you could— that's Matt.

You could trick— you could for real, if we both commit it, dude, a girl would believe it in like 3 days. You're like, no, for real, it's me, babe. I can just tell you our anniversary and she'd be like, oh my God, it's you.

Yeah, she's like, yeah, if she asks like, where'd you put the vacuum? I'd be like, I don't fucking know. She'd be like, it is you.

How the fuck should I know?

Yeah, you could trick women into a Freaky Friday.

Easy, easy.

We did Freaky Friday.

We Freaky Friday'd. Like, what happened? I'm like, it was a lightning storm, we touched the same rock, and we freaky Friday'd.

We just had a big argument. So you think it's so easy, man?

We jump in the pool at the same time. Freaky Friday.

Yeah, me and Lemise could Freaky Friday. We wouldn't know. I would just go, goddamn, I got fucking wasted. I woke up in the pool house anyway. Take like 3 days, jack off and play video games. Hey, do you want to order pizza rolls?

Yeah, pizza rolls are treacherous.

That's so funny.

Here we go.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Even today, there's still significant stigma around seeking support for mental health. BetterHelp's 2026 State of the Stigma report surveyed— you ready for this— 2,000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe that getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so.

Hmm.

Wow.

That's— I didn't know that. I didn't know about that study. That's just trying to take that all in right now. I've experienced it myself, guys. Let me, let me talk about some time when I experienced stigma around mental health and/or getting support. Yeah, explore where that happened. Um, I mean, this is actually deeply personal. I don't like to talk about it, but I, uh, I begged my parents when I was younger. I had severe mental health issues, and I begged them to send me to a camp for the summer that would make me like girls again.

Yeah.

And, uh, they refused. They said, no, you're not— you don't need that therapy. You don't need any of that crap, son. Yeah, work hard, you'll forget about it. I said, Mom, I really need help. I need to go to the camp with the priest. They're gonna help me like girls again. I said, get out of here, boy.

Get out there and sow the fields.

I said, yes, um, yeah. And, uh, yeah, they stigmatize me pretty bad, but that's okay.

You can't— you got out of it.

I did. Nothing should— I went to the camp, I did what I had to do. Nothing should stop you from getting help when you need it. That's also why, as the world's largest online therapy platform, BetterHelp makes finding a therapist a breeze. Just answer a few questions to get matched, and it's— if it's not a good fit, you can easily switch to someone else, no problem, no judgment.

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August 7th, San Jose, California. Also August 8th, San Jose. Spokane, Washington, August 13th and 14th. I'll be doing stand-up there as well. And then in the fall, it all kicks off. Portland, Maine. Boston. Royal Oaks, Michigan. Milwaukee. Charlotte. Jacksonville. Atlanta. Chattanooga. Go to mattmcusker.com. A bunch more cities if you want to get tickets. I'll be doing stand-up up until December 19th, and then we'll figure it out from there.

Wow, you're going wild. Yeah. Uh, July 17th, uh, at Lincoln Financial Field. They just put out some new tickets there. They reconfigured the stage, so some more tickets are available. Uh, and then in Charleston, August 8th, Charleston. Check it out.

Oh yeah, I don't know, I soured the cast. I apologize.

Fucking weed guy in your head about— there's nothing wrong.

I know, I know, I'm totally chill. What are you talking about?

Fucking chill, dude. I don't care that Bill Belichick has a 25.

I don't, I don't— like, you guys, I don't wish him any— I have no ill will towards him. I just go, I don't know.

It's odd.

Yeah, but it's odd to— my problem is, again, if he's 7 years old and he's smashing on the low and he's going like, I just can't get the dog out of me, fair. When he's like taking Instagram pictures with her, it's like, bro, you're pigging out. You have to chill. That's part of the kink. It's part of his kink to walk around. It could be like a Billy Madison thing.

It could be the way I look at it. And I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, is just like, yeah, what, what's Instagram? Sure, yeah, she likes this shit. I don't give a fuck. He doesn't have Instagram. He's not looking at anything. He's probably genuinely like, yeah, I don't fucking— yeah, yeah, I'm more worried about, uh, we got Maryland next week.

It's full. I don't care if you take pictures or I don't care if you sit next to them. Don't take pictures with them. He's still Sterling.

Yeah, and again, I guess, you know, the sacrifice is a sacrificial babe. Yeah, sacrifice the Patriots.

There's been many, to be fair, and this is, this is a fair thing to sacrifice.

I will say this, I will say this, it does take two to tango. So, you know, that was my original point. Yeah, it does take two. It's like Yeah, for sure.

This is a decision.

Oh, for sure. She made—

she's 25 or 26. It's a decision they're making.

Yeah, 25. I thought she was like 21. 26, that's not that bad actually.

She's got a slight idea of what's going on, I think.

Yeah, I think her brain just finally formed.

Yeah, I wonder how true that is because I've been saying— I think Rogan said it on a podcast and we've all as a country just—

no, no, I think that's— they've said that probably because But I mean, how much of your brain do you— you only use 10% of your brain, so.

And they also say that, and I don't even know what the fuck that means.

I don't know either. Yeah, I think you use the whole thing.

Everything's horseshit. I think if I cut a piece out of your brain, that's a major issue.

Fuck, I was using that part.

Yeah, I was using my right leg, thinks it's my left leg, and I walk weird now.

Thanks a lot.

Now that you say it, that is fucking bullshit.

It's all—

you got to use your whole brain.

Yeah, your body's fucking 85% water. It's like, no, it's not. There's no fucking water in there, I'm certain.

Yeah, you're—

that's all fucking horseshit.

Not 85%, maybe whatever they say it is. No, you're right, they say like it's 85%. Yeah, it's got to be 10. I have way more blood in me than water. I'm pretty sure I'm 100% blood.

Fucking blood and shit. Mostly turds, piss, and blood. It's shit, piss, jizz, and blood.

Yeah, there's no water. There's only a little bit of water in my penis when I pee it out. That's it. It's in my— water's in me for like an hour at a time.

Yeah.

And I pee it out. That does— that's my number one bug out, watching.

What's going on there? What's going on there, Nate?

I mean, real quick, but it's— I'm looking it up. It says we actually use 100% of our brain.

It— yeah, it says—

yeah, they've always lied about that.

It's just an urban legend.

They're probably listening to this conversation.

It's all urban legends, every single thing. I was listening to some shit yesterday. They're like, knock on wood comes from an ancient thing where pagans—

ritual. Did you see the thing about birthdays?

Shut up.

Did you see the— I watched the same thing about birthdays. You're doing like some weird pagan witchcraft.

Yeah. Oh, the people that couldn't write? Yeah, fucking 1,000 years ago. That's where we're taking all our shit from. No, it's not.

You're actually making— I watched the thing. It said you're making yourself older every time you do your birthday because you're like doing some weird spell. And it's—

it was like Somebody talks to me about spells or ancient anything, I say you need to shut up.

My theory on the birthday, they turn the lights off. I always thought the birthday was you turn the lights off to simulate the darkness of the vaginal canal, and the candle lights are like the world and you're coming out to it.

And I think people just like, make a wish.

The lights— oh, they turn the lights out for the candles.

Yeah, not everything's got some deep ancient meaning.

I don't know, I, I feel like— I think vaginal re-simulating, it's your birth again. You're—

it's dark and you're going sitting in front of everyone, fucking baby, and everyone surprised you. Someone slaps you.

That's an interesting one. Where'd you hear that?

Made it up.

Oh nice.

Yeah, I made that up because I was really thinking about it one day. I'm like, it's got to be something.

I don't think they were—

can we look up where they— why you light candles and do all that shit?

It's gonna say pagans. Yeah, apparently pagans invented everything.

Yeah, Easter Bunny. Apparently Easter Bunny is— that's an easy one. I think that was just a spring— that was like Freya the goddess. And then, you know, we're just like, yeah, keep some of that shit in here because we did have to appease the pagans. There were so many fucking pagans. Yeah, so we did have to appease them. But I don't, I don't like the whole magic ritual, like every time you do this you're actually doing an ancient magic ritual. Demons are entering your mind. Like, yeah, like knock on wood was the one I watched. Like, you're actually summoning an evil force.

But turns out knock on wood was like a little— or like touch wood is, uh, it's from like playing tag. Really? And yeah, a tree would be base, and if you touched wood, you were safe. Oh really?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't think there's— 1700s or 1800s.

I've gotten out of the habit of knocking on wood, by the way.

It's good.

I've stopped. I'm like, I'm not doing this, this is dumb. I would feel seriously like that. I'd really better knock on wood, there's something bad.

Oh really?

Yeah, I was like very superstitious, dude. I'd be like, if I don't knock on wood, something bad could happen.

So something bad's gonna happen. True. Something real bad.

True, true.

I think it's just about the worst thing.

True. No, I don't, I don't, I don't practice.

But then some really good shit's gonna happen. Yep. And then, God willing, you're 75. You're the head coach of the North Carolina Tar Heels. You've won 5 Super Bowls. You're banging a 25-year-old and she's going, let's take an Instagram picture. And you go, fucking, I don't even know what that is.

This is— okay, I think I've identified it. He can— but anyone, almost anyone can bang a 25-year-old. He just doesn't want to pay for it. You know what I'm saying?

Speak for yourself, moron.

No, I'm saying you could hire a prostitute. You could hire a prostitute. Wow, you could hire, uh, he wants to do it by the books.

Yeah, those are forbidden.

That's a, that's not virtuous. That's a crime.

Yeah, those are like dark spells, man.

Yeah, that's evil.

If my thing is, if it's just about the sex, get a problem.

Maybe it's not. What if he loves her?

Maybe he likes having somebody fucking young in his life again instead of a 70-year-old wife that's like, what?

True.

What are you doing? I don't want to go do stuff.

Yeah, what do they do? It's got to be just him and her. If he hangs out with her friends, that's going to be so fucking weird. Come on, what are you talking about?

What are we talking about?

He's so old.

If I found out my dad divorced my mom and was on a boat with 10 25-year-olds, I'd be like, fuck it, dude, what are we talking about? Now, if he did it when I was a kid, I'd be like, that's fucking insane.

Yeah, he's retired for sure. I get it. It's just, imagine though, I'm just trying to put myself in that position. I'm, I'm 70, whatever, and I'm with like her and 3 of her friends are eating pad thai and they're talking and I have to like pretend to care or even be randomly interested. That's when it's going, just get a hooker at that point. I don't know, like extracurricular. This is crazy.

Bill Belichick, I don't know if he has to be interested and I don't think he cares to be interested. I genuinely, he's like, have you ever seen him talk?

No.

He like doesn't talk, really. He's like, yeah, okay, yeah, next question. Yeah, we're not worried about that right now. We're already focused on the Jets. Like, there's him eating pad thai with 4 25-year-olds, he's probably just like, he's thinking of the game. Pad thai is pretty good. It's a little spicy. It's a little spicy.

I really like when this lady sucks my penis. It's very nice.

I really got to get out of here. We got to start grinding the tape. We got week 1, we got East Carolina. And last year we— our defense was terrible.

Also, I didn't know she was 26. Is slightly different because then if she was 30, it's like they've been dating for like 2 years, right?

Yeah, at least.

Yeah.

All right, so he wrote— he wrote the weird bike.

He only rode the weird bike for a couple years on the weird fucking unicycle for sure, dude.

Once—

here come that boy.

26 is different. I thought she was like way, way young.

I think they met when she was real— I think she was a cheerleader for the Patriots. I could be— there was definitely— yeah, maybe. Yeah, there's definitely Ring camera footage of him leaving a house, which is— you're gonna love it, dude. It's gonna change your mind.

What happened?

Him walking out of a 20-something-year-old girl's house on a Ring camera with his shirt off.

It's fucking—

it's hilarious, dude.

Just walking out to like a stone driveway, like, like just hands in his pockets whistling. Yeah, I mean, look, again, 26, 26 is different.

It's a man, dude. Fucking man, dude.

True. I mean, I could be being too puritanical.

Bill Belichick walk of shame.

Yeah, that's my— that's the thing. I don't want to put him down. I'm not like anti-him or being like, I don't think that's very nice. I'm just going like, is that the best possible move? That's all I'm asking myself. Is that truly a thing to idolize?

I do not think it's the best possible move, and I don't think too many people idolize it. Yeah, I don't think so.

I think you're right.

I think he's getting made fun of a lot for it.

Yeah, but again, it's not like— I don't, uh, I have no animosity towards the man. That's the thing. I just go I wonder, I wonder if that's as sweet. Is it as sweet? I think a lot of people go sweet. I go, yeah, there's always the reality of the thing and it's never— sounds sweet. Like, I'd like to watch them have sex and masturbate to it. I'd like to observe.

He could, yeah, he could be No, 26 is—

that's, that skews things. That's— she's almost 30. Once, once you're— that's it.

She was young when they met.

Their, their meet story is, is kind of funny.

What is it?

They met in 2021 when she was still enrolled in Bridgewater State University in Massachusetts. She was reading a philosophy textbook on a plane, and her and Bill Belichick chatted about her deductive logic textbook and he signed it, and then that's how they met. So she was reading a textbook, doing homework on a plane, and he chatted her up about her textbook and signed it for you on a plane.

This story gets hotter and hotter. Yeah, on a plane, sitting next to a fucking young hot chick.

I'm not sure if you left.

There's no way I can get some pussy out of this. Bill, you still got it.

It is nice. He was like, I like your deductive lot. That's not Nice deductive logic.

Yeah, they, they struck up a conversation about philosophy, and then inside the message he said, "Thanks for giving me a course in logic!" with an exclamation point when he signed the book. Dang. They kept in touch, um, and started dating in 2023, so she was probably around 24 or 25 at the time.

Okay, she took that book to her dad and was like, "Look who signed this!" He was like, Keep going, you're on the 5-yard line, babe.

Do you think they'll get married?

I hope so.

That would be actually—

I hope so.

I would support that. Although now that I say it, Socrates, to be fair, Socrates actually had a baby.

Yeah, well, fuck little boys.

He had a baby with a young babe before he died, so he actually— so he can't really talk. He's not really want to talk. However, he's just— then again, it's easy.

Itchy butt pedophile guy.

Itchy butt pedophile.

Was Socrates a pedo though?

Hit him with rocks, dude. Throw rocks at that.

Was he definitely a pedo?

No, I don't know.

I'll look.

But wasn't Socrates like, uh, wasn't he like exiled though?

He got killed.

Yeah, he got—

yeah, made him drink the hemlock.

Yeah.

Now I want to know if he was a pedo or not because they apparently—

didn't they make him drink hemlock because he was like, the Earth isn't the center of the universe? That wasn't him.

Okay, no, that was, uh, Aristotle.

Nope.

Damn it.

There's no historical evidence that Socrates engaged in pedophilic things, but, uh, since he was alive in ancient Athens, people just kind of assumed—

assume he did—

pederasty was institutionalized in their, like, mentorship.

Yeah, that was a big thing. Well, that was your— that was your vessel. Yeah, so you had to transmit all your knowledge to a young boy, and then some—

for some reason, I knew what they were doing. That's completely made up. Yeah, that's my vessel. I'm passing my knowledge.

Act, he has to swallow— he has to jackass swallow me. My name is Vladimir III. I'm actually from, uh, I'm gonna drink a gallon of old guy cum.

No, you could.

You are broadening my horizons on this right now because I am going like, you know, she's 26, 25. It's just too much public kink, that's all for me. It's a heavy public—

public kink is crazy.

It's heavy public kink.

But that's, again, that's where I go—

him living his life, I don't think he gives a fuck. No, I don't think so.

So that's something to aspire to.

True, that's fair. I agree, I don't think he cares. I think he just goes—

I'm sure he hears about it non-stop at fucking football games, coaching.

If I was—

if he was playing my team, I'd be staunchly against it. I'd be screaming at the entire game.

Yeah, I guess that all, you know, you have to handle all that in your household, I guess. Just be like, hey, you see a 6-time Super Bowl champion coach, try, just do your best. Promise me to do your best not to set up a sensational romance with him.

That's all you can do.

Yeah, it's crazy stuff.

It is.

It's a good episode. We covered—

yeah.

Bill Belichick.

We did extensively.

We got to the bottom of it.

I think we did.

Lamar, what have you got?

Uh, I went to Charlottesville last week and it's like a full girl town now. They like changed it. They call it Seville. You remember Charlottesville? That was the Tiki Torch Town.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They had the big white pride march. Yeah, yeah, it was crazy.

So what was it like?

Uh, you just saw a lot of women there?

No, it was just like all bookstores. It wasn't anything I thought it would be.

Yeah, I think it's a like a kind of a more liberal college town.

Yeah, yeah, I didn't know. I mean, because you know the march, the march was about being replaced.

You thought it was going to be— yeah, Southern gentlemen.

Yeah, yeah, I thought it'd be a little bit more aggro, but it was pretty chill. I didn't like it though. They didn't have like one GameStop. It was all girl stores. Pissed me off.

This is gonna shit.

Books and Candles.

Yeah, all the boys got replaced, dude. They did get replaced.

They got rid of the GameStops.

There's no GameStops.

So they did replace us.

Yeah, fuck, they did what they want to do.

No, that's a fair—

if you, if you fucking—

if you're doing, uh, you know, yeah, if there's a Unite the Right—

yeah, if you do a Unite the Right rally, they got to get rid of the GameStops.

Yeah, it's a penalty. It's like a 5-year ban on games.

They're still— they said tiki torches are still banned there. It's been like 10 years.

Really?

Tiki torches are still banned. Yeah, really? Yeah, it's a good pillow fort.

You look like the— you look like a mushroom in Mario Kart that picks up your car.

Is there really a way? Can you even ban that legally? I feel like you couldn't ban the sale of tiki torches.

I don't know.

Yeah, who told you that?

One of the people, one of the citizens.

They probably don't. Uh, maybe. I don't know. I wonder if they just like are slow to sell them.

Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, hey, promise it's a barbecue. Promise you're not defending a Confederate statue.

I was saying like they grabbed the tiki torches and transformed.

Yeah, I was, I was laughing about that when I was in, uh, Minneapolis. I was like, I— when they had the whole Somali pirate thing, they're like, how could they let this go? I was like, like coming off the back of George Floyd, I could see white people being like, yeah, I'm gonna chill for a minute. Right after that, be like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck these guys are— I think these black guys are up to something.

What?

I don't know, just keep driving.

Look ahead. They all actually getting like—

wasn't there—

didn't that like— wasn't that true?

Oh yeah, that, that they busted it before the Nick Shirley thing. That had been— yeah, it already done like an extensive sting. So like, yeah, that was like completely completely true. He just came a year later and was like, pretty sure they're up to something. It's like, yeah dude, they did it already. They already did this thing. But maybe they, they, maybe they were continuing, I don't know. But you know, it was a good scheme.

It's a great scheme.

Fake daycare is so fucking funny.

Great scheme.

It's just so funny being bored inside of your fake daycare, just being like, I really hope nobody walks in.

Yeah, here comes Shirley and some guy screaming at you.

The guy with a legal pad It was so funny. But yeah, that was my— I got a lot of shit for that, but it was really just like, they already— I like, because I looked into it, I was like, man, this is— I watched it being like, this is crazy. Then I like looked it up and I was like, oh, they already got these guys. Because they brought down a heroin ring and they went to Philadelphia like, Philadelphia has a heroin problem, I'm gonna expose it. Just banged on some guy's door and you're like, yeah, he's definitely got heroin in that door.

Back to you.

Yeah, no, that was like millions of dollars.

I saw some heroin fellas in Austin.

I was kind of surprised.

Really?

Boys hitting the full-on fucking— oh, really? Hitting the limbo.

I haven't seen them yet.

Yeah, I saw 2 or 3.

Nice.

They made— they're making their way, making their way down south, coming down where it's hot.

Yeah, the black tar.

I wonder how good that feels.

Heroin?

Hair?

No, not heroin, but, you know, lizarding out, laying on a rock, getting sun while you're—

I think it's awesome.

It probably feels good as hell.

Yeah, I think the nod's like the best part. Just fucking completely out. And waking up probably sucks.

I'm gonna look into the science of how the fuck they stay upright. It's pretty impressive.

Yeah, actually, especially if you're that inebriated, like, you'll just kind of— staying on your feet like that, I, I literally couldn't do that. No, I would need heroin. Yeah, I would need heroin to pull that off. Although your hamstrings probably, for real, probably get a hamstring.

Deadlifts are probably crazy.

Oh, these guys are always strong.

Well, yeah, you gotta be, dude. Battle the elements.

Fucking battling the other guys, battling the elements.

When have you tested their strength? Are you talking about just how like ripped they are?

I've just seen them, dude. Like, you ever see like a crackhead carry your fridge?

Like, yeah, true, they are ripped. Yeah, how do the hell— how do they stay up? No, that's— don't fall for that.

If they fall, they're going to give it away that they're on heroin, not that they're shirtless and bent at a fucking crazy angle. Yeah, they can't really—

it's in the meanest lean.

So the brain, the final part of the brain is like, don't fall, don't embarrass yourself, don't be a fucking dumbass.

Yeah, it's hard to find exactly why, but yeah, I think they don't know.

There's so much shit, they have no idea. Scientists just can't be like, yeah, we have no clue. They're always just like, well, leading theory suggests, and you look into it, it's like, yeah, it's not proven at all. Maybe, maybe heroin rules. Maybe that's the fucking answer. Maybe it makes you better at balancing if you do like the right amount.

Definitely does. I would imagine. No, that's incredible. Bent straight down. For real, couldn't do it for a long time. And usually at like a corner where there's like a little slant in the sidewalk.

Yeah, true. They find that divot. That's what those divots are for. Walking, you go, finally. What is it saying?

Yeah, their central nervous system is just like— they're pretty much— they're just in sleep mode.

Yeah, computer. Yeah, there's still updates.

Yeah, they're still running, but Like, yeah, they're just chilling.

It's running hot though.

It's like your station back there, that fucking horseshit.

That's a good station, dude.

Your station's out of control.

It's nice, it's pretty good. I don't do anything with it, it just looks—

What are you talking about? You're back there constantly.

I'm just— Yeah, I don't even— I'm not doing anything back there, I just keep looking at the screens. I'm like, make something up.

The station is—

oh, space station.

Yeah, I saw a new Sopranos piece of art you brought into my house. Fucking insane. He's hanging shit on—

that is like a bird's nest in there.

That's crazy. I got the Wrens in there.

That's for panties. I keep forgetting to take it to the studio.

But that's how I saw the LED lights. Are they going back there?

That's where— that's from Temu.

I, uh, Where did— no, I didn't say where it's from. So where you put it?

I just got— I don't have anywhere to put it yet. I got a video for it. I don't know.

You love sex club, sex dungeon lighting.

I don't, I don't. I just got the LED strips cuz they're cheap and it was within my Temu credit allowance, so I just got them.

I'm not worried about where you got it.

Yeah, I don't know where I'm going to put it.

If you put fucking LED lights in that shitty Sopranos drawing back there, I'm, I'm I'm gonna be a little annoyed.

The drawing is—

I know you're not gonna take it when we move. The painting is leaving. When I move out, you're not coming to the next place. You probably are going to the next place. We're moving on up too.

The painting's for— the painting's for panties. It's for panties. That's a— that's our art investment.

You should let the marriages do the whole house. You could get like a top interior. There would be a decorator from Milan and be like, this is, this is genius. Yeah, it's like the, uh, who's the fucking guy? Rick Owens, I think. Who's the guy who does all black vampire clothes? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? I've been sending you the thing on Instagram. You wear, you wear like the— he does like the track, like the Korean Olympic team where they have like the fan suits. Yeah, so you just look like a big ball and like walk around. It's pretty sick.

That's awesome.

Yeah, that— they were like up watching this being like, this is the coolest shit I've ever seen. It's literally just like goth. He's just dressing people in goth shit and making them look like fucked up. It's just— he's like, I'm expressing anger and rage and this is the best place to do it. It's just people at Fashion Week, man, this guy's the best at this. Rick Owens. So the mayor might be super high, dude. LED strip on The Sopranos fucking picture, dude.

I was, I was just thinking about— I'm gonna put it under the picture so it lights it Yeah, underlining. I think that might work.

Have you seen The Sopranos?

No, that's crazy.

I had a feeling.

So what, what is, what is the impulse to decorate?

It's for, it's for the podcast. It's for panties.

You're not doing the podcast in there though, are you doing the podcast?

No, no, no, I just haven't taken it to—

but what about the LED lights? That was for back then. I know it was. No, that was for a stream. You're streaming?

No, I'm not streaming. I don't want to stream.

You gotta change your OnlyFans manager.

You don't want to stream?

You have to tell them you're streaming.

We're gonna oil you up and stream.

You gotta cut them in if you're streaming.

Yeah, I would, but I'm not streaming. Doing IRL streams? No, I would never.

That sounds like a streaming setup.

Why would you not? I don't know. You have a microphone back there, you have everything.

I just like talking to people when I play games.

Like, yeah, you're just the one record button away from streaming. I like it.

I like where we're at.

Yeah, no, the LED strips were just from Temu. I had to spend the credit.

Christ, I'm gonna do it.

I had to spend the credit.

Um, yeah.

I don't know how to explain it.

Where did you plan on putting them?

I didn't have a plan.

You just wanted them?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, I guess I got like a mini MP3 player too, and like a mushroom speaker. I don't know what an MP3 player is. Sitting there, I think.

Where'd you get that from?

That's all Temu. I gotta, I gotta do a review.

You got an MP3 player?

I'm getting free stuff off Temu. I gotta do reviews. There we go. Try hustle. There we got it. We nailed it.

You gotta ask him 500 fucking questions.

It's fucking crazy. So the dark truth is you're doing unboxings for Team 2.

That is my—

no, I get it. I would keep that close to the chest.

I'm about to become an unboxer. I am making unboxing videos.

You are making unboxing videos?

Yeah, I got one in my phone.

Damn, you're opening.

Yeah, it looks like a great studio. It's a good studio, dude. It's nice.

What, the MP3 player?

No, I haven't done that yet. This studio, it's, uh, it's where they do podcast— Austin Studio, I believe it's called.

And you're doing unboxings in there?

Yeah, it's from my bro Sky. What, unboxing?

Why are you against streaming?

I don't know. No, it just feels like it would ruin games for me. I like playing games because it's fun. I don't want to make it work. What, this video?

No, because, uh, maybe I'd like to take a look at it. Yeah, that'll be even better.

So Temu will send you shit. Temu will send you stuff if you open it on the—

if they're mad at me because I haven't sent it yet. But this is a video. This is just Welcome back everybody, and they got more stuff.

I guess we can just— there's more stuff. Yeah, it's a tin from the Super Mario Galaxy movie.

It's a tin from the Super Mario Galaxy movie.

Pretty funny.

It's full of cool stuff. Yeah, I like the tin personally. I can hide— trying to come for Randall Frank P.

Now, is that a squishy?

Good hiding No, no squishies. It's just, uh, you let me know. I like the Bowser Jr. artwork on the outside. Bowser Jr., one of the most under— oh, that's badass Bowser Jr. on this side.

Look at that. Oh, you're eating Chinese candy?

My whole problem— I was— yeah, that's regular.

Oh, okay.

My whole problem was today. Yeah, I told you, dude. It's just—

that could be a hit, having a secret unboxing show.

I didn't expect that at all. Do you just practice like opening shit back there?

It's what I watch on YouTube, and I was like, I can fucking do this. And so yeah, I just thought about trying it.

So they're sending you free shit if you open it up?

Yeah, that's the goal.

What promises do they not send you free shit? Not yet. Did you buy the Mario Galaxy?

The guys who were producing, they brought the Mario Galaxy. They they put the box together. And there was also like a Japanese food box. Yeah, ate some weird Japanese food. There's another thing too, I can't remember what it was.

Huh?

Don't know.

From Musashi.

Don't ask questions, he's gonna be extremely vague. You're gonna ask 5 more questions, it's gonna be—

There's this crab treat, it was like actually like river crabs, they put them in in a white plastic boat and you can like eat them. They're good, pretty good.

But they ship it from China?

No, it's from— this isn't from Temu, it's from a store, Asahi.

Oh, okay.

It's a Japanese store.

You're opening up all kinds of shit.

I'm opening up everything.

Just do unboxing Grubhub.

Yeah, you should, you should for real fart max out and do an unboxing show where you fart nonstop.

That would get some subscribers.

Amazing.

There's guys that would be into that.

I don't like farting. I'm not a fan of farting.

Really?

Yeah.

That's crazy. What do you do with all your farts?

I wait till I sleep. I don't fart until I go to bed. You just fart?

Seriously? No way. You let them just come out at night. You hold all your farts in all day?

I mean, if I have to fart, I will fart, but like, I don't, I don't really fart until I go to bed.

Why?

I just don't like farting. What about, what about your lady?

You like sleep over?

You just save your farts?

Oh shit, that must be nuts. The snoring and farting out of this guy. His farts must be, they must be like a 3-minute-long fart as soon as he he goes to sleep.

They've turned into a different gas altogether.

It's like fucking Mario candy and sushi.

Yeah, you're making farts for sure.

Yeah, yeah, I'm making farts. I'm just not like— I'm not pushing them. I'm not pushing them out. You don't push farts. Yeah, I don't push farts.

You don't push for nothing. You let those farts— dude, you must be fucking full of farts. You are chock full of farts.

Could you fart right now? Definitely.

I could not fart right now.

Yes, you could. I can't, dude. I Be fucking up.

Oh my God.

What, you must be like— we're 75% water, you're definitely 75. He's a gas giant, he's filled with farts, dude.

Have you—

if you fart, you're gonna be— yeah, you're probably about £80 less than you are naturally.

Why won't you fart?

What the hell? Did you get like reprimanded severely for farting or like what's What's the—

what's the, uh, maybe what's stopping you?

I don't know, I've never like—

that's your Michael Jackson secret.

I love farting.

Boy, knock them farts off.

Farting rocks.

Farting's sweet.

Yeah, yeah, it makes me feel gross, I think, when you fart. Yeah.

What?

Yeah.

So you don't ever cup and bring it up to see what you're working with? I have the opposite. I'm like completely— I need to know what's up with my farts.

I do have Sneak fart. I'll take it. I like a sneak fart when it slips out.

Wait, dude, you farted at laser tag. It was so bad.

Cleared out the fucking entire time, dude.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I was full gas.

There's zero chance you hold in farts all day. There's zero. I'd bet my fucking life on it. We gotta— does Temu sell a fucking fart machine to gauge farts. There's got to be some type of Chinese underwear, just a thermal light.

Now, man, I don't know. I don't know what it is.

So you wait till you're falling asleep, and as you're like snoring, you just fully relax?

I think, yeah, just all farts. It's too shitty to make sleep.

How do you know this if you're asleep? You've been told?

Oh, I know.

I've been told.

You got— have you gone in that fucking room? Yeah. Blunts and farts. It's fucking crazy.

What makes you fart the most? What kind of food?

Milk and peanut butter, dude. Yeah, peanut butter fucks me up.

Please do a Fart Max unboxing.

Yeah, that would be—

it would be so good. You're getting really disturbed by them. Ah, fuck, sorry guys.

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm supposed to save that for Nighttime.

Yeah, being so embarrassed the whole time. Did you order that dumb fucking dog candle off Teemo?

No, that was from a market. There's a guy in a market. I was just—

I gotta be honest, I like that dog candle.

It's nice.

I lit it, but you weren't around, so I blew it out. I wanted you to be here for it.

Then I was thinking about, like, how demented of a candle it is once it gets lit. After a while, it's just a melted brain dog. You know?

Yeah, Clamdill's nice.

Yeah, the Clamdill.

Clamdill's decent.

Pretty excited about that.

Yeah, I don't want to— I don't want more of an oyster, but yeah, I want to keep it fun.

Oyster didn't have a good candle name. Exactly, like Clamdill.

Don't be sorry, Clamdill.

The pot, the pot has affected the squad. Everyone's, everyone's like, I'm sorry, dude. Dude, it's totally fucking stupid.

It's totally normal.

The whole time you had to fucking freak out about Bill Belichick. You got high and freaked out about Bill Belichick's relationship.

I'm telling you, something happened to me where I don't notice that I'm high anymore, and I just— I'm like, man, everything feels weird right now. I told you, I tried to go to sleep the other night and I was like, why can't I sleep? Deep. And I was like laying there. Oh, this was the worst, actually. I thought I was like finally losing it. I was laying there and I was like, all right, so the universe is definitely infinite. Then there's like the material world, which, oh, that might go on forever too somehow. And I don't know how to explain it, but I was just like thinking about just going through stuff and touching it forever. And I was like, that's so much fucking stuff. And I freaked out and I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop thinking about all the stuff.

And I was How much stuff there is.

Endless stuff.

Sometimes I— sometimes that bothers me sober.

Yeah, it got me.

There's so much stuff.

I was in bed and I had to just fucking flip over whatever.

There's guys like fucking Le Maire ordering off. There's some Chinese guys in a factory like, who the fuck is gonna buy this Mario Galaxy candy box?

Yeah, I bugged out. Bugged out on the amount of stuff. I was like, dude, what if stuff is also infinite? I was like Fuck, it's so much fucking stuff, dude.

But in space there's nothing, dude, and that's infinite too.

That's better somehow when there's nothing. Yeah, yeah, I can deal with that. Just tons of stuff. I think there's got to be an end to this stuff. It's a lot of fucking stuff going on.

I think it's all stuff, really. I think everything, yeah, it's all kind of stuff.

True. Yeah, the infinity thing freaks me out. I can't— I try not to think about that too much.

Yeah, I wouldn't waste your time.

It just—

I don't know, it just comes to my head. I go, okay, well, if it's infinite— is that— they always go like, well, it's the multiverse. It's like, well, yeah, that's just still one thing.

I agree. Yeah, there's actually multiple universes. No, that's just— it's all part of the universe.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, just one universe. Okay, you're just saying there's a bunch in there.

And then they go, there's infinite universes. It's like, okay, dude, well, so there's— right on.

How about I punch you? Talk to me about the universe.

Yeah, I'm getting— I want, I want to do a congressional fucking audit on like astrophysicists and quantum physics to be like, all right guys, what are we really doing here? Yeah, because I think they're fucking bullcrap a lot because they always go, well, the math checks out perfectly, but like no one can check the math. They're like, yeah, that'll be another 40 bazillion dollars please. We figured out things can be in two different places at once simultaneously, but the mathematical model maps on perfectly. To what the fuck are you guys talking about?

Yeah, they're cruising for a bruising. They're walking around their undies looking for a bruise. Talk to me about that horseshit.

Yeah, crap.

So you got some farts loaded? You ready for tonight?

Uh, what's tonight?

Yeah, you don't hit the fucking morning blowout?

It's like, I mean, I'm Blizz.

You might You must be hearing— really? I kind of am hoping you do because they are funny. The morning blowout is chaos. At night, the way I'm inhaling air— yeah, that's just sleep apnea and snoring. Farts are just— it's chaos in the morning.

When I do my morning blowout, my dog, like, that's how he knows I'm up.

I'll start farting and then I'll hear him at the door. Good morning.

I'll hear his little collar bounce.

The morning blowout.

That's so Yeah, I get it. I have at least one fart every morning. You wake up and you're— it, for me, it's laying down. As soon as I lay into bed, yeah, farts every single fucking time. I'll be like, no, I don't have to fart. Lay in bed, it's just like right out of there. Unfortunate. I literally fart almost every day.

I look forward to it. I cherish it.

I look forward to it personally, but you know, other people hate it. Not a fan, especially when they stink too.

Yeah, that's trouble.

And it's like, look, I get it.

10 times funnier.

I know, it's exactly the problem.

Think about being Bill Belichick, 70, 74-year-old, stinky morning blowout, and you got a hot 25-year-old next to you. You're going, yeah, how do you like that? Stinks like shit, doesn't it? Anyway, we're focused on North Carolina State this week. Yeah, I can see him hitting just a little like, oops, it's a hard fart, disgusting fart. Yes, pardon me, part of me, I beg your pardon.

What was that shit we ate with sparklers coming out of it last Made me fart.

Fucking crap you're feeding me. Just made me fart. I'm done getting Thai food in Chapel Hill. There's no good Thai food in North Carolina.

That stuff called tofu. Tofu's gotta be far enough.

Yeah, well, we've done it again.

We did it.

Goodbye.

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