Transcript of Giggling about sourdough, supplements, and sex scenes

What's up, gigglers?

Gary, fix the WiFi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

I just need you guys to know that Paige just sneezzed and said, Okay, now we're cleared and ready to go.

I can't even. I have not been this stuck. Here's the thing. If I was a man, I'd be like, I'm dying. I have to go to the hospital. But because Because I'm a woman, I've worked full days.

You're like, I'm working overtime.

It's a Sunday. I had to catch up on things. One thing I do want to say, and this is not an ad. Honest Company makes these tissues called Sniffer Soothers. They've changed my whole life.

I love that you've become a flu influencer. You're on TikTok telling people to put Vicks vapor rub into their brain. By the way, you're going to get sued. You can't just tell people to stick Vicks vapor rub up their ass. There's going to be infections.

Wait, who is the company that emailed me and they were like, Please stop. Who was that?

Oh, because you were saying you use something for a different thing.

I feel like I low-key have so much to say on this pod, but I can't get anything out.

Okay, should I start with a story? Okay. Are you still ordering over Eats? I swear to God.

Wow, that felt really good. I needed that cough. I needed that sneeze 20 seconds ago. Here's one thing before you tell your story. I'm obsessed with Botox. I got too much in my chin. I can't move my fucking bottom lip, and I love it. I literally thought I was having a stroke Last night, I was like, Wait, is one side of my face drooping? No. Allison just did a little bit too much in the chin, but I'm fucking love it.

I'm obsessed. Wait, did you get your chin before?

Yeah, I did.

Okay, so it's like a refill?

Well, I went back and got some more done. It was time for my check-in. And she was like, Did we hit your chin last time? And I was like, We did. And so she did it again. And I think maybe just like a... I love it too much. Because now my bottom lip goes to one side. But I'm obsessed with it, and I knew this was going to happen, and now I'm like, freeze my whole goddamn face. Priscilla Lead with your story.

If you're not on YouTube watching, Paige's eyes are all red and swollen, but her forehead is so perfect and shiny right now. She looks gorgeous.

I took a bath today. I washed up. I really needed it. I am going to blow my nose quickly.

Let's see your nose-If you want to see my snipping. Sneezing technique as a flu influencer. How's the best way to blow your nose? Okay, she's taking her long fingers. Oh, she goes back and forth. She doesn't do one at a time. She goes, interesting.

Somebody tagged me in a TikTok that said, Queen Elizabeth I had the longest fingers ever. I think they were three and a half inches or something. And they became the beauty standard in England, and everybody wanted long fingers.

People were getting finger extensions?

Yes. They were wearing gloves and all of this stuff. And So I just want to put that out there in the ether.

They were stuffing. They were stuffing their gloves. Wait, maybe you're her reincarnated.

Maybe.

That would make... That would actually answer a lot of things.

Well, it says that if you have long fingers, you're that girl. You're in charge. You're bossing people around. You're part of the bloodline.

You could also catch a football with one hand. As you guys know, I'm on tour without Paige, fighting for my life. Where are you? So right now, I'm in New York City, but I...

Oh, okay. So you're at home.

I was supposed to be in Durham and Charlotte, and Nashville, but they got canceled because of the storm.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And down there, they're like, Freak out. Yeah, they can't go out.

The Southern girlies were like, Hi, Hannah, please read, bless your heart, read my DM. I cannot be out here in the ice. I don't care if it's one foot of snow. We're shutting down. We have power outages. We can't do this. So I said, Fuck this. I'm not having people fight for their lives to get to my show. Next week, I'm going to be in Milwaukee and where else? Sorry, I'm blanking. Indianapolis. But I've had pretty good travel up until this last weekend. I had one show in Atlanta. The only show that didn't get canceled was Atlanta. So I flew in. And then after my show, I see that there's a 10: 30 PM flight, and I said, Look, she's a jet setter.

She's crazy.

Got off stage, got back in the car and said, Send me home. And look, I stayed on the stage a little longer, but I was feeling myself. I was having fun. The Atlanta gigglers were amazing. And I get in the car, and there's some traffic, but I'm not. I'm not worried. You know why? Because I'm a professional. I have clear.

I have pre-check. I was just going to say, are you flying Delta?

Well, that's the thing.

That's the thing.

Have you ever heard of Frontier? I've never really heard of Frontier, so I was optimistic going in. It's green logo, green is positivity, wealth. This will go well. Turns out also the Atlanta airport, the biggest airport, there's a north and a Southern hemisphere. And the lady's like, Is it north or South? I'm like, Of what? First of all, I don't know what North is.

A couple of airports I'm not fucking with, Atlanta and Denver. I'm going seven hours early.

And both those airports love a train. They love to throw you on a train. Now, Atlanta is It's the hub for a lot of international flights, so it is necessary. And I respect the women of the arts that work there. However, I get in. And I get to the security girl every Everything's smooth. And she's like, Oh, we don't have your Frontier flight. And I'm like, That's crazy. So then I go back to Frontier, come back, and they're like, Oh, yeah, sorry. It was our system. So already, I'm like, Okay, that's a little weird. Fine. Get to security.

You're the only person I know that can fully go through the airport. And they're like, Hannah Berner, never heard of her.

It's on my phone. I go, Did the flight get canceled? They go, No. And I go, What's going on?

Never heard of her.

So then I get to security. They let me through. And I go, Where's pre-check? And they go, Oh, after 09: 00 PM in Atlanta, there's no pre-check or the other mom. Clear. Clear. It was clear. I said, I didn't know that we had a curfew because mama needs to get home.

Okay, keep going.

So when I tell you the line was, it said 20 minutes on the thing. And it was one of these mazes that you didn't even know where the line started and ended. My phone, of course, is at 8%, so I'm like, I have to raw dog this line to be able to get there. It's 9: 55, boarding's at 10: 05, and the plane closes is at 10: 30. So I'm just thinking, door close. You got to make it by door close.

I feel like door closes 15 minutes before takeoff, no? Anyway, you're in a pickle. Okay, keep going. They said, We're in a pickle.

I'm looking around and I realize I I can't care in this. Everyone else is also in a pickle with me. Everyone is worried about getting on their flight. No one anticipated a 30-minute wait at 10: 00 PM in Atlanta.

What did they shut down the clear machine?

No, I was like, I'll I'll do it. I'll fucking start scanning people. What do you need? So I'm just waiting there. Can't look at my phone because I can't have it lose battery. And I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting. It gets to 10: 15, and the doors close at 10: 30. And there's no other flights after this, babe. You got one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a... Sorry, I'm coding on that. Sorry, I know.

Sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. That was so bad.

Sorry, I was trying to do a monolog.

Did you have a flight for Saturday? No.

No. Girl, you got one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow.

Sorry, I should have listened.

So it's 10: 15. I have 15 minutes. And I'm like, Okay, I'm going to make it. And then I realized, I don't know where my gate is. I'm in the fucking Atlanta airport. It could be anywhere. Now, mind you, I don't get recognized too much by airport security because it's mostly men. So I don't get VIP treatment. But I get to the front and we finally are putting our luggage through.

Wait, remember the time that giggler let me come back into America from Canada and I didn't? I have bronchitis.

You fully do. Before you die, let me finish this story before you black out. I realized I have 10 minutes and I'm putting my stuff down. And this guy just looks at me working there and he goes, Do I know your face from somewhere? And normally when people say they know you, but they can't put their finger on it, I'm not giving you a resume. I say I'm not here being like, Well, I did do.

I had a stint on reality TV.

Now it's on Peacock, I think. I don't know where, but it wasn't there.

You could stream it. You could stream it.

Have you heard of Betches before? I also have these street videos online. Also, have you heard of Page? Because People like our friendship.

Do you by chance watch the Hot Wing Challenge?

I did win the trophy. I did win the New League. People don't talk about it. People don't bring it up ever.

Wait, you're so right. You didn't get enough praise for that.

No. So then I look at him and I go, Yes, I'm a comedian. And he goes, Oh, my God. And I go, Also, my flight It starts so loud. I go, My flight.

Do you know I read the wrong ads? I read the ads for last week, and Grace texted me and goes, You read the wrong ads. And I go, I'm really sick. And she goes, Okay.

I'll do some. Okay, keep going. So I say, By the way, the door is closing on my flight in 10 minutes. And he goes, Don't worry, I'll get you through. Takes my I'm in the luggage and puts it in front of everyone. I'm like, This must be my fucking lucky day. As I'm walking through all cocky, feeling myself, looking at everyone, I'm like, What's up, losers? I realized, fuck, this morning, I put the water from the flight in my backpack. Oh, Anna! So this guy is like... So I'm literally watching and I go, There's a water, there's a water. The guys look at me like, You dumb ass.

Yeah, now it has to go back through.

So it had to go back through. So it literally was a net zero. But I was like, I love you so much. Then I go, How long until I get to C7? He goes, With no drama, 6 minutes.

What could the drama possibly be?

I have to get on a train. So I have seven minutes. I have six minutes, but there's seven minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to make it in six minutes. So first I walk down, the train says it's two minutes away. When the fuck has the train ever been two minutes away? That's never happened to me, ever. So I'm sitting there, I'm like, What is this, this goddamn subway, trying to get to Brooklyn. Also, do you know how long two minutes feels? I felt like I was holding a plank. I felt like I was having the worst sex in my life. I was like, When is every second going to be over? I'm looking around, I'm freaking, I'm tweaking. I get on, it's three stops, and I have seven minutes. I'm just checking my phone, which is dying, by the way, my phone's dead. I finally get off. I have three minutes to get to C7, and it's C1 to C40. And I go, please, God, have C7 be closed.

You know, I always see people like you in the airport, and I always think... How did they get there?

What decision did they make?

What happened earlier today? That they're running full speed.

I also didn't preface this for you. I'm in my full outfit that I wore on stage. I'm wearing a tie. I'm wearing my high-waisted, what are they called? Cumberbatches? Cumberbonds? A cumberbund? A Cumberbund. And my Amazon high boots with heels. Hannah.

You didn't change in the car into sweats and sneakers? Why didn't you change in the green room?

Because in my head... I didn't go to the green room. I ran out onto the car, and in my head, I was like, I'll be there 30 minutes early, and I'll do it peacefully in one of the small bathroom stalls where you can't even move. Also, mind you, to get to the walking place, you have to go up the longest escalator in the history of escalators. And me and this other girl, I can see we both are like... She starts running, right? And I'm behind her. We're holding our luggage. Grown women holding in her luggage, running up the escalator. And then she starts getting too tired because this is a long escalator. And she literally looks at me and she was like, Save yourself. I can't go on. And I was like, Okay, are you? I'll tell them to wait. And she was like, C4. I was like, Okay, ma'am.

This is like saving private Ryan.

I'm running up and I see that I have three minutes to get from, of course, C7 is at the far end, so I have to go from C40 to C7 in three minutes. It's possible, but I need to do high knees.

I would have cried. I would have been crying.

I start running. You know we talked about the mile test? I was back in college, 6: 00 AM, running the mile, fighting for my life.

Sometimes I feel like we talk about something on here and we're like, That'll never happen again. And then the universe is like, You manifested it. Here it is.

Paige, do you know when you're running late for something? I don't know if you'd ever go into a jog if you're running late. I feel like you would just lay down.

No, you want to know what I do is I speed walk, speed walk, speed walk, stop. Walk normal. Speed walk, speed walk.

I do this all time in New York, but I'll run, then stop. Imagine when you're running and you feel like you need to stop and then saying, Hannah, you got one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow. I'm running to the point where I start feeling like blood in my throat. Have you ever run? Oh my God!

Yes, I know what you're talking.

I'm dying, and I'm looking at my phone, and it's at 10: 29. Doors close at 10: 30, and I'm literally still five gates away, and I'm dead. I do not have the cardio for this. I do not have the cardio. I've been sitting in planes.

In heels? This is It's crazy.

Pilates does not help you with cardio. I'm just going to say it in case anyone was confused. But I do have a good pelvic tilt. Anyway, so I'm running, and I'm dying. I'm sweating. I'm breathing so heavy. I'm starting to make asthmatic noises. I'm like, And then I see that there's people at the gate, but I'm assuming it's because the next flight is already ready to go. So I sprint and I look at my phone and it's 10: 30 on the dot. I go to the guy and he goes, What are you here for? And I'm like, I have to go to the...

You're like, My flight. You're like, Take me home. Take me home.

And he looks at me and goes, Oh, we already shut the doors. And I take my phone and go, But it's 10: 30. You said doors closed at 10: 30. And he's like, Yeah, we already closed it. And I look at him and he looks at me. And then he pauses for three seconds. He goes, Just kidding. The flight is delayed. In that moment, I realized not only have I I'm punked. By a man. By a man. And I don't like when men make jokes, especially when they're- You're like, Isn't your crowd having enough problems that you got to start beefing with me?

Isn't your club in enough hot water?

I was at my lowest point, and he took a fucking dagger and stabbed me.

So then people around were like, giddling. Because you know, and that's what they do. And that's what they do.

That's what they do. Talk about punching down. But I also feel a mix of emotions because part of me is like, great. I didn't miss it. But then part of me is like, that was fucked up. And then part of me is also like, oh, no, how long am I going to have to wait? We had to wait two and a half hours. I got home at 3: 30 AM. I got McDonald's at 1: 00 AM at the airport. It was fabulous.

Wait, that's low-key so fun. Did you change?

Well, then after that, I was like, okay, I need to change. I go to change, but I didn't catch my breath for 40 minutes. Yeah. I, at one point, was lying down on the ground.

Was there anyone else in the airport? Probably not.

Were there- They were not that many people. If any gigglers saw me at the Atlanta airport on, I believe, Friday night. That was the back story.

What a story.

Actually, I woke up. My thighs are burning, so sore. I'm traumatized. It was the whole thing. I just... I wouldn't wish I'm like, Oh, then I get on the flight. Sorry, I'm not dumb. Frontier is a bunch of animals, okay? And all kinds of animals, by the way. The girl next to me, and I say girl lightly, she was 19, was putting her foot on my armrest, which I was using, obviously. She kept kicking my elbow when I was trying to sleep, and I was like, Ma'am. I kept doing the turn, and she just kept doing it. Then the woman in front of me was humming.

19. Is that Gen Z? 19?

I think it's Alpha. But the woman in front of me was humming the whole time. And I know it sounds nice and sweet. It wasn't. I was trying to sleep, and you just hear... I don't even know what song you're humming, which is throwing me off. It's actually like, it really was pissing me off. And then there was a Midwestern couple on the left who were talking like this every single thing they're going to do on their vacation they had to talk about. And it was like, you're sitting next to each other. Why are we yelling pleasantries at each other? You're married. What are you possibly have to talk about at a 1: 00 AM flight?

Wait, that's crazy on a 1: 00 AM flight.

And you had to pay for water. No, I know. It was It was so- We're not doing well over here. We're not doing well. But anyway, I made it, and I'm so excited for tour St. Louis, Missouri. I'm coming. Anyway, what's going on with you?

A quick word from my sponsor, Aquaphore.

Wait, you got the thick one.

Okay, they're not actually a sponsor, but let me influence you on something else when you're sick. You have to have the Aquaphore Balmstick for the winter because if you live in a cold climate, putting chapstick just on your lips isn't going to freaking cut it.

So you have- So you're putting it all over?

Oh, I'm putting it right here, honey.

What is it called? Do you remember slugging? Remember when you were obsessed with slugging?

Yeah, I was obsessed with that. Is that how you slug? This is probably cross-contamination, but I don't give a fuck.

I mean, this is the thing. You are influencing everyone, but you also are not getting better. So I feel like everyone should take it with a grain of salt. She's choking on herself.

She's like, This has been amazing.

Fun update in the Giggly Squad community. A giggler DM me and said, She named her Sourdough Starters, Hannah and Page.

I have actually had a couple of those. Because my last name, Disorbo, the girls are really innovative on how they make it a sourdough, desourd. They're smart about it. Page desourd. Yeah, something like that. Something like that. It's a starter.

I love that.

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Wait, I saw something the other day. You know You know how we're always like, oh, sometimes you go and you watch a video and you're like, that was crazy. Let me check the comments. Everyone must think that's crazy, and they don't, and they're really agreeing. I always am like, I have to remember that example to to tell Hannah because we never have a good example. I saw a TikTok video, and it was this girl being like, Why do we need sex scenes? They're so intrusive. They're so much. Okay, just allude to the fact that they're having sex. I don't need a full sex scene. And I was like, Surely this is rage bait. No sex scene in certain movies.

Was she Amish?

Just Gen Z. I They go into the comments and they're seriously, especially when the scene starts out as they're having sex. And I'm like...

That's every great movie, Bridesmaids. Hello. Greatest movie of all time. Kristen Wig on top of Jon Hamm. Thank you. Give me 27 of them right now.

I'm like, Are you kidding me? There are some movies that I'm like, I will... Do you remember my stint with 365? I mean, hello?

Also, I don't know, grow up. If I'm watching a love a fair movie, and they don't show... I want to be judging the chemistry. Was the casting right? It's also just like you're watching a fucking movie.

It's not real life.

And sex is part of life, and life is art, and art is movies, and sex is movies.

And it made me think like, Oh, my God, are they so... I think maybe the girl was even younger. Now I'm like, Maybe it is Gen Alpha. Are they so not socialized with each other that they don't even... Because also the teen pregnancy rate is down. I know that everyone thinks it's a good thing, but you know what? We've got a bunch of losers out there. They're not even going out and having sex. A part of high school, a peak canon event in high school is thinking you're pregnant when you haven't even really had sex.

When you have a hand job, a hand job, and you're like, Oh, no, I think it went on my hand, and then I brushed my teeth, and then it might have, when I slept, went in my mouth, and then went through my- You don't sit in a homeroom and think, Do you think I have chlamedia?

And your best friend is like, I don't know.

What do you think? The amount of friends I talked off the ledge about their chlamedia, not knowing if they had it or not, but just wanted to- The amount of pregnancy tests I think collectively my friends in high school took, to all be negative because it's actually hard to get pregnant.

I'm like, What is going on?

And then the girls who did get pregnant when they were 16 back in our day, they got famous on MTV.

And we carved a space for them. Okay? Anyway, so I saw that and I was so annoyed by it. Also, I've added something to my nighttime routine, which brings me to my next point. There was this girl that made this TikTok about her sister, and it was like she was praising her sister. She was just like, My sister's so cool. I've always loved everything about my sister. My friends love my sister. She's just so perfect. She's so nice. She's so gorgeous. And then I realized that she's so pretty and she's so delicate, but she also does a ton of shit that I would never want to do or think about doing. Then she started talking about how like, grooming and being ultra like, You love your skincare routine, you want to do all these different... You want to do a hair mask, all this stuff, is actually a hobby. My Sunday routine is one of my most favorite hobbies. And why it's looked down upon when it's literally just hygiene. Have you noticed my lip at all?

No. Okay. This is girlhood going on a rant about nothing and being like, Am I ugly? Have you been looking at my lip because I'm ugly? I'm like, No, I'm trying to understand what you're saying in between coughs. No, Paige, not to make you... I Basically, you've inspired me to take care of myself more because I didn't realize you could have so much joy out of such little things. You know what? We work on living such a big life all the time, and it's crazy because in my 30s, now I'm like, I just want to enjoy the little things of life because that's all you really can control. Is that face mask going to hit when you put it on?

That's life. I know I said a couple of years ago that I didn't want to ever slow down, but, honey, I am sorry.

Wait, wait. Paige, I'm off this weekend, by the way. I haven't been off in forever. Do you know what I did? What? Well, the building made a new law that if you want to put your boxes away to recycling, you have to cut them first. You have to cut the boxes. I don't know if it's my fault. I don't know how to happen.

Nothing worse than getting an email after you've done something and you're like, Hmm.

So Dez told me that he bought a box cutter, which I thought was aggressive and honestly male toxicness. I I own two. I was like, We don't need a box cutter to box, to cut boxes.

Hannah, what are you talking about? I own literally two box cutters. How are you going through life without a box cutter?

You have some toxic masculinity to you, but that's it for another time.

How do you open an Amazon package without a box cutter?

With a scissor because I'm a woman of the arts. I'm not bringing out a weapon to open up. But anyway, Dez is gone.

I also own Bolt Cutters.

Des is gone. Des is gone in Toronto this weekend. Shout out. Dez working his little butt off. So I'm here with all these Amazon boxes, and I noticed this box cutter, and I said, Okay, let's give it a try. I appreciate other cultures. Let's figure it out. Holy fuck. That felt amazing.

No, box cutters are amazing.

A box cutter is I could not stop cutting boxes. I cut every box in the house. I layered them up. I called Dez. I go, You're not going to fucking believe it. I love cutting boxes. It's my new hobby. It's my new passion. If If someone needs a box cut, send it to me.

I'm going to get you a letter opener for your birthday. The joy of- But, Paige, this is my problem.

I don't like receiving mail. I know. Like, actual mail.

You will if you get to put a knife out. If you get to pull a knife out, you actually will receive receiving mail. I'm telling you.

No, it's the most ASMR relaxing feeling, cutting up boxes and then putting them in a layered way and then getting them out of your apartment. That's what I've been up to all week.

There's also nothing like spending a weekend throwing shit away at your apartment.

Do you think we're losing listeners? They're like, Okay, Hannah's cutting boxes.

You're just coughing. That's how I tell you the next thing you have to buy. I recently bought part of my nighttime routine, a red light. Me and Kitty lay on the bed every single night.

Does she have a red light?

Okay. Well, Paris Hilton said that she red lighted her Chihuahua, and she literally lived till 17. And so I was like, Kitty, get your fucking ass over here. We're red light therapy. Now, I wear protective sunglasses, but I can't find small ones for cats. So I've just been putting regular sunglasses on Kitty, but I'm nervous that I'm not protecting her eyes well enough. But I would assume she's closing them. No, I can't be that stupid, Kitty.

Pete is going to be on the phone shortly.

No, they're definitely. They're just not happy about it. One other thing I could not wait to talk to you about. Did you see the Adam Sandler Chanel store thing?

No.

Okay. So apparently there's this. I It's a rumor-slash story that Adam Sandler's daughter went into a Chanel store in, I think, Los Angeles. And she was dressed like a normal kid. I think she had sweat pants on and a hoodie. She goes in and she's asking the saleswoman, Can I see this bag? The bag was $20,000 or $25,000. The sales lady was like, This is for serious customers. No, I'm not showing you this bag. It's $26,000. She calls her dad, and she tells Adam Sandler what happened. He comes into the store, and he goes up to his daughter, puts his arm around her, says to the saleswoman, So you judge people based on how they look and what they're wearing? I'll take every style that this bag is in every color in the whole store. He walked out. He spent $300 $100,000 and bought all their bags.

But he just gave her the best commission ever. Okay.

That's why I knew I wanted to bring this up to you.

You're supposed to go to another store. You're to go to another store and you're supposed to say, A huge mistake, huge. Go to Prada, get all Prada I walk past Chanel and be like, Suck my dick.

Watch a Julia Roberts movie. But isn't that so...

What a story. I do have to say, though, I went shopping this weekend because I need to get boxes to cut. The chicken or the egg. My daily wear, and I think it's because I'm an athlete, is what I've been telling myself now. If I'm not performing, I'm in practice clothes. I'm wearing sweats, I'm wearing a T-shirt, and I'm wearing a zip-up hoodie. I like it monochromatic. It's all gray. Also, no, I'm not putting makeup on. Yes, I haven't brushed my hair. And then I'm walking through this nice area of stores, and I realized I don't feel comfortable walking into these stores because they're looking at me. I just climbed out of the ground. But I do have to call a store out. I went into the Supreme store, which is a very cool store, and it's all these boys. I'm not going to say men because it's all these boys. And one of them has a skateboard. I don't know what's good. The vibe is crazy. And I'm like, I'm a fucking New Yorker. I've known about Supreme since day one. Everyone calm down. But these boys, they're all hanging and talking really loudly.

The guys who work at the store.

Okay. So not customers?

No. And it's this big, big store. And it has this huge opening in the middle, and the clothes are just around the edges. I love a T-shirt more than anyone. I see a cool Supreme T-shirt. I'm obsessed. I love Supreme, but it's a large. I'm like, Maybe it'll be too baggy. Page look at mad, whatever. I look at the guy who's very nice, and I said, Can I try this on? And he goes, Yeah. I go, Do you have a dressing room? And he goes, Oh, no, you have to try on the shirt right here. I looked at him like, What? And he's like, Yeah, you could put it over your shirt. I was like, What No, that's illegal, Hannah. Humiliation ritual is going.

I'm like, What in the. No, I'm pretty sure that's illegal. No, you can't do that.

So then I'm like, Wait, so if it was a pant, I'm allowed to use the dressing room, but I can't wear a T-shirt. Did you ask that? For a T-shirt? Well, then I was like, Fuck it. I'll just get the medium. I'm Adam Sandler. You're Adam Sandler.

You were like, You know what? This is a horrible policy. I'll take three.

I said, This is sexist. This is weird, but the shirt is really cool. But I'm going to talk about it on my podcast, and I don't like this at all. But what the fuck? They had dressing rooms, would not let me go. So then I'm like, Okay, do I have to pull a pant to go try it out?

Were you by yourself?

Yeah, I was so scared. It was me and just all these men. And he's like, Yeah, try on the shirt. I'm like, What? What? Have some koof. Have some koof. Also, you know I'm sweating underneath. My arm is sweating.

See, that's where we are so different.

What would you have done?

Okay, I don't want to say that I'm a Karen by any means, because I'm not ever asking for a manager. But I'm definitely being like, That's so fucking weird, and there's no way that's real.

Yeah, you would say that. Also, I hate to say it, and this could be totally false. I feel like if you asked, they would be like, Oh, yes, little princess, go try it on in the back. But me, I was like, What shirt is this? And he's like, Put it on. I was like, I'm still a lady, and I actually have gorgeous breasts under this outfit that you can't see. But he was literally like... But like...

Sabby You're making me cough. You're making me cough too loud.

We've all been in Zara where you're like, Yeah, I'll try this bomber jacket on over my outfit. No one's trying a T-shirt over their T-shirt.

Here's the other thing. Zara and Aritzia, it's all girls, too. So It's all...

Paige, I was so scared in that moment. There was 15 boys. They're all in their 20s standing there, and the guy's like, Try the shirt on. Put it over your shirt. I was like, I felt... I was like, What fraternity am I in right now? Are you trying to make me make out with my friend also? What's going on? He's like, We have some punch in the back, too, if you want to taste it. It's the frat master's recipe.

Another girl walks in. He's like, Do you guys know each other?

No, but at first I was like, This is so cool of me to be the only girl here and taking up space in this male-dominated store. And then he was like, Try it in the middle if you're really cool. And I was like, I'm not, and I'm scared. I didn't want to meet you.

Show me your tits if you want the shirt. Free if he shows your tits.

I do have to say... But then I went into Kith afterwards because I was in my cool gear era, and they were so kind, and they got me in the back, and I could try on clothes without all these men staring at me.

Hannah, oh, my God. What a crazy shot. I've never in my life... Even Aritzia, they're like, Oh, the mirror's in the middle. Shut the fuck up. That, I think, is the That's the easiest thing ever.

That's the reason I never got into Aritzia.

I don't own a single thing from Aritzia. Because here's the other thing. Shopping in person, there is no shopping in person. It actually makes me so sad. And if I really sit down and think about I'll cry.

Because touching stuff is important. Touching it, seeing how it actually hands on your body.

Okay, a perfect example is I do so many segments for the Today Show, and because it's news, and sometimes I won't know until four or five days before. If I have to do four outfits for a segment of all different body types, all different ages, I have to order clothes. I can't even... Sometimes if something doesn't fit or I I don't have the right item, I can't even go and find it in stores. I'm like, This is New York City. They're like, Every time I walk into a store, they're like, We don't have it in the store. You're going to have to order it online.

I'm like- It was like, What's in the store? It's such a weird time.

It's such a weird shopping time.

I was just thinking about, let's say I said yes to the guy. I said, Okay. I put down my purse, which I don't like. I hate that. Then I take off my zip up. Who knows if I'm wearing a bra You know me. I probably didn't have a bra on. Then I put the shirt over my head with all the men watching. Then these men are going to tell me if it looks good or not. That's diabolical. Then I have to take it off in front of everyone, and it gets stuck on my earring or something.

No, Hannah, they're hazing you.

And then I have to move to a new country.

I've never heard that in my life.

I got bullied at Supreme, and I will be wearing the T-shirts on one of the next ones because they're really cute.

And I will be supporting their company. And I will continue to purchase from there.

Also, when I got to the register, the guy was like, How are you? And I was like, Good. How are you? And he said, Chill. And I was like, I'll fucking blow my brains out. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here. He was like, Chill. Chill. Shut the fuck... Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You grew up in Connecticut. Shut up.

Young men are scary.

Girls are allowed to grow up in Connecticut, by the way. Girls are allowed to. Boys aren't.

That is one of the realest things you've ever said. That's so true. Girls are from Connecticut. Not boys.

Boys are not. Boys from You grew up in Connecticut? No, thank you.

The archetype of that?

That's why all the guys lie when they grow up in Connecticut. Have you heard of the concept Four Arm to calf ratio?

No, Hannah. You know, I'm sick right now. I don't need this. I don't need it. Sorry, I was starting with a question. What happened to, hello, How are you?

How are you?

I'm literally in a fragile state, and you're like, Have you ever done algebra?

It's because it was math. It was triggering. I'm really sorry. Well, it's not real math, but I was talking to one of my single friends, shout out Gabby Brian, who is my only other blonde friend I talk about on the pod who has never met Paige, but they DM.

She's single.

She's single, and we had a show in Atlanta, and she was like, I found this guy on Instagram. I've been chatting to. Immediately, I sent it to me because one thing I will do is live vicariously through my single friend. I want every detail. I'm part of it. I see the guy, and he's standing in front of some cabinets, and I just said, Can you double check that cabinet video? I don't like where head was compared to the cabinets. It's giving 5, 5, 9, 5, 10. And Gabby's tall. Gabby's 5, 10. And you don't want to kiss looking down. So I was just looking out for her.

I'm also looking eyes to eyes. I'm like... I feel like I'm in an eye exam. I feel like you are my eye doctor. I'm like, I actually can't do that.

If we hug and your head goes in my neck, I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. If you're curled up in my buzzer, I'm out. What are you, a squirrel?

Don't snuggle up into my neck, you freak. No.

I want my hand to be a little high when I'm trying to hold your hand. Anyway, I digress.

I It doesn't hold hands with anyone. It's actually so...

It's so crazy. There's pros and cons to your gift. The guy's like, Why? You have a claw. The claw. Stop laughing. You're going to call... Sorry, I didn't. Stop. Stop it. Stop. So Gabby was like, Don't worry. I did the forearm to calf ratio. I said, I've never heard of this. So she basically was like, If he has short calves, it means he's short. And I was like, That's not true because I have short calves, and I'm 5'7 because I'm all torso. And she's like, Yeah, that's why you also double check that they have long forearms. And I was like, I've never thought of this before. But I don't know if it's true.

Wait a minute. I thought this was somehow going to relate to their dick, and I'm really pissed that it doesn't.

No. But also, I feel like I don't have particularly long forearms. I'm just a torso, and I'm tall. I think girls are just trying to understand.

Do you know that your foot is the size of your forearm.

My forearm is longer than my foot. This is not true.

Okay, well, you're an alien. Who told you that?

Who told you that?

I don't know. Wait, there's one other cuckoo, wacko thing I I bought it on TikTok. Well, actually, no, I didn't buy it on TikTok because the millennial in me makes me go over to Amazon and I buy it. I can't do purchases on TikTok. That's insane. Tuning Forks?

Oh, we lost her. You guys, we lost her. She's far, far too gone. Paige.

I took an oregano supplement earlier, too, and I think it's literally- Wait, did I tell you I've been taking oregano supplements? Shut the fuck up.

Paige, De Sorbo, shut the fuck up, you witch, you little witch. No, because I've been on tour with Ellie Colbert, and she gets sick because she's weak, gets me sick. Now I'm weak. Now we're both weak. I tell her that it's mental, and then I get it. She goes, Have you taken an oregano shot? I was like, Fuck, yeah, let's do it. And she goes, It's really painful. It tastes really bad. I'm like, I'm not a pussy. I've taken tequila shots. I could take an oregano shot. The way I almost died in that Uber.

No, oregano is no fucking joke. Who told you to take it and why? My holistic guy, part of my UTI regimen that we're testing out to see is he has me on an oregano supplement and then another cranberry supplement, and I'm seeing if that builds up my uterine line. I don't fucking know.

How often do you take oregano to the face?

I take one a day, but they are so potent, so you do have to ask a professional because I think you can't really fuck up your stomach if you take too much of it.

Yeah, I was scared. Also, you have to take it with some juice.

You have to do juice, oregano juice.

Oh, and eat. There's all these rules. Who knew? But yeah, I've been into oregano. Do you think because we're Italian, it feels good and our body likes it? Yeah, our body's like, Back to our people.

They say it helps clear out bacteria and...

But this is the thing, Paige. You're sitting here, you're telling me all your holistic strategies, and they're not working better. You go, I've never felt worse. I'm on my deathbed, but I swear Regno shots are incredible.

I've never felt worse, but truly, this is the first time I think I've ever realized that men are so weak. I knew, but I needed a really certain type of reminder around sickness, like true flu symptoms. It's so interesting to listen to them speak about it because I'm like, You're weak.

I think about the men who are listening to this pod It's friendly. It's in the background. We'll finally get into a part that we're in a funny flow. The men are probably laughing. Then just when they think they're safe, we always get it back to the men somehow. Just keep one eye open.

There's a man somewhere in a car being like, Their whole personality is just hating on men. So really, they're obsessed with us.

Shut up. The men will catch strays. They will catch strays, strays, strays, and they catch strays, too. Amanda Rodriguez sent us a giggler DMed me a really good mental health moment that I think it's time for before you black out.

Before I take Sudafed to the face.

She goes, I saw a post about what is the most unhinged way that you practice micro feminism in your life. And when the comments was, Any time I'm being mean to myself, I remind myself that I'm being mean to a woman, and then I stop. That was a great mental health moment.

Wait, that is so sweet.

No, whenever you're being mean to yourself, you're like, We support women. We support women in the arts. Are you not a woman in the art? Let's move on. Do you know I got an IV last week? Did you? For what? I got an IV because I was really sick and dying with Ali. And Ali is just like you, where we get to the IV person and they're telling us all these add-ons. And I'm like, I'm not doing drugs. Give me the basics. I don't want LSD. I don't want to be spiraling.

I'm like, Ring it up.

You literally... So Ali's sitting there, she's like, Yeah, whatever. And the lady's like... It was after our show, so it was 10: 00 PM. And she tells Ali, Do you want some Benadryl? And I'll just put you to sleep. And Ali was like, Yeah, I'll take some Benadryl. And they asked me, and I was like, No, I don't need to be black.

I'm like, Sorry, I don't do methamphetamine. I'm like, I can't handle melatonin.

I'm not taking Benadryl to the lung, okay? So Ali's like, Yeah, I'll take some fucking Benadryl. Five minutes in, she's looking at me. She's like- I'm going to pass out. I'm going to faint. She's like, Hannah... Well, I start laughing. I go, Last time I did this with Paige, Paige thought she was dying. I was fainting because she got some extra shit. My brother was like, You just put something in the bag. She's trying to kill us. Paige goes, This would be the perfect way to murder. This is the perfect murder. I'm like, The nurse is still in the room. The nurse is standing right here. She can hear you. And Ali is looking at me. She goes, Can you tell I'm high? Can you tell I'm high? She's like, I just want you to know I'm not freaking out, but I'm freaking out right now. I'm getting high. And I'm like, I'm trying to have a nice night. And my friends always have to get fucked up off some And Ali's like, no. And she looks at the lady and she's like, Am I supposed to be feeling this fucking high from the Benadryl?

The lady starts panicking and looking at the vials to see if she put the right thing on. But she was like, Yeah, it comes harder because it's right into the blood stream.

And Ali is small.

But like, Ali is... Tiny. Put her in your pocket. You didn't have an excuse. But... Just kidding. You're a wingspan, babe. You can handle it.

Your big ass feet that's the size of your forearm, you can handle it.

Do you want to know how humbled I was? I asked Ali for a belt. She's like, Yeah, I have brown, I have black. I said, Amazing. Couldn't get it around my waist. I said, Ali.

You were like, Sorry, a belt for an adult. I don't...

But she's small, but I never consider her that tiny, but couldn't get around. It was the most... I said, Thank you, but no, thank you.

Wait, that is so you. You're like, Hold on. The math, actually, this is the matrix, because if my waist and your waist, there's something... This isn't making sense. I looked at her and I said, Is this?

I said, Does this fit you? And she's like, Yeah, it's my belt. And I said, That's crazy because we look the same.

You asking her if her belt fit her is so you.

I thought belts had range, though. Why do you have so many holes in it? But it was the end of the hole.

Yeah, the range for that size. She's like an extra small, small.

No, guys, I'm all about body positivity. I've never felt fucking grosser in that moment, and I wasn't even bloated.

Don't. Ali is also so tiny. She's way shorter than you.

I know. I know.

I mean, you just called me fat, but I'll make you feel better. We're good. I'm dying. This might be the last time you fucking see me.

Oh, God.

Anything else? I saw an Instagram video of Derek Jeter the other day, so that brightened my day. And that's about it.

Love of my life. And I do have to just say one thing, though, about men. Every man that everyone's like, And he's the He's not good one. He's not. I recently saw a list of people being like, be like these nonproblematic male comedians. And I was like, no, no, no, no, and no. So anyway, remember, all men are not good. So Derek Jeter, I don't know what you've done, but we still love you. But I just want to normalize. We're not putting him on a pedestal.

I just saw one clip, quick video of him. I feel like I never see him on social media.

We had a complicated We had a complicated... You don't follow him?

No, I do. But I feel like I never see his stuff. Never pops up.

It's always him being a dad.

Yeah, it was him being a dad. And I was like, oh, my God. I feel like I never see this in this context. And then I did have a thought about Tom braided, but honestly, I digress. I digress.

You don't want to get into it. I don't.

I'm too sick to get it.

Like a positive thought?

I can't get into it. I'm too sick. I just thought like, wow, Daren Cheater.

I'm too sick for this.

I just felt like, wow, Daren Cheater is the blueprint, I feel like, of how an athlete should behave.

He apparently gave gift baskets to women he'd hook up with. They'd leave with a signed ball.

I then started to think about the Colton of it all. Oh, no. She goes, You know why I'm saying Colton Underwood and his fucking You've opened up a can of words. If you really want me to say what I was thinking, I'm going to give it to you. Here's what I was thinking. I was thinking, Wow, Colton Underwood can get another really big job on a hit TV show. Then I was thinking, Wow, Well, actually, athletes can do a lot of fucked up shit and then continue to play.

And they just get two-game suspension. And I was like, you can- Two-game suspension.

You could literally beat your girl- It's a vacation. Beat your girlfriend up in an elevator, in a hallway in her own home. It doesn't matter. You can be suspended for two games. If you smoke weed, though, you could be suspended for four.

And this is a sports podcast. She's bringing out her special wipey. She's I had to spit. Turn off the YouTube. Turn off the YouTube. Turn it off. Blur that, Grace. That was at least warned the viewers. That was crazy. That was crazy.

Well, you wanted me to go on a rant, and this is what happens.

I'm glad I love that it's flowing, though. We don't want it to get stuck.

No, I took a shower and I seamed, This is what I wanted. I gouashed. I did all this stuff for me.

No, you look so sick, but so glowy at the same time. Thank you, doll.

I don't feel glowy, but thank you.

No, you do. I have 100 pages left in my book. Oh, my gosh. How long does that take you?

Well, we don't know. It's funny.

Books, I feel like they either fly by or you're like, It's been three years. Like, one paragraph?

I have to go. I can't even laugh anymore.

One paragraph. You guys, we have to go. We love you so much. Thank you for giggling. And we'll talk to you later.

See you. Bye.