Transcript of Giggling about cortisol, choking, and bidets

What's up, gigglers?

Gary, fix your WiFi.

Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

What's up, my grizzly gigglers? We're back. Two episodes a week is like, I'm in a K-Hole. I'm in a giggly K-Hole.

I'm going to be honest. At first, I was like, Are we going to be able to do it? We have crazy schedules. We're tired. We're like...

We I have so many excuses for anything.

I don't know how we weren't doing. I have so much to say.

We would forget things. So by the time it was a week, I'd be starting from zero.

Let me start.

Oh, you begin.

You haven't said anything about my God awful hair color.

Because it's made up in your head.

Hannah, this top layer is black. You're no better than a man. You really aren't. This top layer is black.

She goes, I'm a dark, dark, dark, brown, and this is light black.

I'm a chestnut.

You're a chestnut.

I'm chestnut under here, and here is black.

Why don't you just embrace your Megan Fox moment? You look like a Kardashian.

Okay, fine.

I have some hot takes. Okay. I'm so sick- And tired. And tired of motherfuckers when I'm in a public restroom. Oh my God.

We're changing the name of this podcast to just Hannah Shith. My life is in the bathroom. It's just Hannah talks about and also So her shitting.

My life is just one trip to the bathroom with breaks in between. This is just a gripe I have that I need the public to know about. What is with people trying to break the fucking door down when it's clearly locked? You know, there's two types of people when you don't know if it's open or not.

Is this multiple stalls?

Multiple stalls. This is also when it's just like you're in a coffee shop and there's one bathroom. When you go to check if it's locked or not, you don't need to fucking have a full-time kidnapping situation. Just lightly press it up and down.

So you're saying the initial door they're banging on, not your stall door?

But even the stall door, when they try to open it, it's like they aggressively, if I push it hard enough, it'll pop open. Just lightly push, and you'll know if it's locked or not. I'm sitting there in a hostage situation, someone banging the door down, and it's clearly it's locked.

Did you put your leg up to keep the door?

Yeah, that never happens to you, where you're just having a peaceful poop, and out of nowhere, you're getting assaulted by someone trying to open the door. What have you ever happened to a light tap?

That's never happened to me.

Well, you don't go to public restrooms.

No, I have, but I'm not in there long enough I feel like for people to be like, What's going on in there?

So you're saying that- No, but I feel like I'll get in- They're called the manager at this point.

They're like, Something's going on in there.

Someone's trapped. But I feel like I have bad luck where I'll be like, Okay, this is my one time of solace during the day, going in this restroom, locking the door at peace, and immediately someone's knocking. And I'm like, I just got here. Okay, actually- And now I'm on the countdown.

I have a quick bathroom thing that might change your whole life. I got a new toilet. This toilet has a bidet. It has a dryer. The seat is heated. It wipes your eyes for you. It essentially does. I don't think I can go back. I can only go to the bathroom in this one specific toilet, and that's it.

Well, they do say not using a bidet or not using a wipe is like flossing without brushing your teeth.

Well, now I'm like, Why aren't these in everyone's home?

This is disgusting. Because we're not Japan. Because America is behind.

I started on my Squady Potty. That's my favorite.

You still have the Squady Potty?

Of course. I've had it for six years. We go to the bathroom differently. Let me just tell you that. I've lit a candle. I have classical music.

Put your phone I do not disturb. Let go and let God.

What a great way to start Friday episode. You were talking about something earlier, and I want to bring it back up because I had something to say about it. To the forefront. And it was Harry Style's.

Yeah.

What was your question?

What do we think about Harry Style's? Because I have some Genzy correspondence that tell me what's going on. He's coming back to MSG. Tickets are $1,000 each.

I did an Amazon Live yesterday, and I had a girl write in like, Oh, my God, are you going to get tickets to Harry Style? And I was like, No. I didn't even know Harry Style tickets went on sale. I didn't know.

Does he have new music? I have no idea. Oh, he has a new album. This is the thing. We weren't One Direction, Girls.

I'm not a fan.

He's there, Justin Timberlake, before Justin Timberlake is what he is now.

There's no one in the world I'm a fan enough of to stand in a queue.

Okay, are you British now?

No, because if you go on and you buy a Giggly Squad ticket, You're getting a Giggly Squad ticket. You're not fighting the other people. I've never gone on. I've never set a Timer. Ticket master is putting these on now. Let me go stand in the queue virtually and wait. What do I look like?

You know what I do respect, though? That he's like, Yeah, I'll go on tour, but I'm only doing it in one place. You come to me.

I think that's so efficient.

It's so fuckboy of him, though. Be like, Come to my house or don't. Send me an Uber, at least.

My thing, though, is with him dating Zoe Kravitz, I wouldn't have seen the jump from Channing Tatum to Harry styles, but also none of my boyfriends have ever looked similar or even act.

See, all of mine look exactly the same.

Oh my gosh. Wait, I've actually never-I want over 6'2 with blue eyes, and I'm done.

We're good.

I've never mentally looked at them all in a lineup, but yeah, mine is-All over the place.

I mean, the range you have, babe, it's incredible.

If you put mine all in a line, you'd be like, What weird circus.

Is there anything similar? Definitely not sense of humor, definitely not intelligence, definitely not height, definitely not- You know what I've reverted back to?

The type of guys I dated in high school, which were my favorite kinds. Which were your favorites.

You bring it up every day. You go, Good morning to you and to my favorite boyfriend that I dated in high school. I got to stop. Well, honestly, that's in TikTok where they're like, Who was your crush when you were little? And who's your current boyfriend?

That's what I've gone back to. My crush when I was little... The first time I had an experience where I was like, I think I want to have sex with this guy, was in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. And it's not Heath Ledger. It's the other guy who's the asshole, but he has dark hair.

What is his name? See, I'm Heath Ledger. That's why we're best friends.

And that, I would say, was my first sexual awakening.

Did you like the guy in Bring It On who was the brother?

First of all- No, I thought he was gay. At a young age, I go, You're gay.

You know why you're not obsessed with Harry styles? Because he wears a scarf.

Do you want to know why I didn't like that guy? He wrote her a song.

You had a guitar.

And then she played it in her room. I was like, Okay, unrealistic. This is disgusting.

All my boyfriends are exactly the same, except some are more narcissistic than others. I just had to find a guy who had enough ego deaths.

You had similar looks, very different personalities. None of your boyfriends have had the same personalities.

One thing I'm proud of women for is when they have a gorgeous man and they're like, Yeah, but he's boring. See, I could stay with a gorgeous man for years because I entertain myself. I just need him to physically be there. I'm no better than a man. I'm just like, You are an accessory to me because I'm overwhelmed with what's going on with me. I don't need your own life coming into mine.

My thing was, you would have thought I was trying to go into therapy for college with the type of men I've dated. I feel like now I'm like, what's best for my cortisol? That's how I'm picking.

I feel like there needs to be a cortisol check when you're dating a guy. If it goes over it, it's just women in stem. It's just science. You can't date him because your unregulated nervous system... Your 20s, you're always unregulated, but by your 30s, you're like, We need to regulate something.

If I'm waking up in the middle of the night thinking about something in my 30s, I got to get out of there.

I hate to say this, but if I'm not eating, at first it's fun. At first, you're like, We're detoxing. But if I can't eat, that's a serious problem. That's when my mom pulls me aside and she's like, You didn't eat your Bolognese? The henna, I know. Would have had second, third and fourth. The second I can eat a pasta because there's a man in my life that's making me nauseous, I need to get rid of him.

See, when that hits, I'm like, Let me stay one more year. Really get this body right. He's just got to not respond two more and I'm at my goalie.

Can I say one more thing about men? I had this epiphany with actually Ali on the road. No men are assistants. No straight men. If you wanted an assistant and a straight man walked in the room, you'd be like, Oh, I'm looking for someone to help me. Men don't help you.

One time when I was looking for assistance, I gave a criteria, and they were like, Okay, Paige, that's illegal. They're campy in age range. You can't say one gender. I'm like...

She's like, I'm just looking for a Gemini.

I'm like, No one over 30. Gross.

I want them young and scared. But the truth is, if you think about it, there's no male assistants. I guess I'm thinking about WME, the agency there are, and you're always like, Okay, well, we're missing a lot of details in that email.

I don't know if I ever get emails from a guy assistant.

I'd love the stats of how many male assistants they are and also how quick they get promoted.

I was just going to say how quick they rise to being an agent compared to the girls.

I mean, a gay man assistant is great, except I feel like he was judging me all the time.

Yeah, I could see that. I almost hired a gay- Which I could use. Guy assistant, yeah. Wait, I saw something on page six, which I rarely go on I go on page six, but sometimes I like to have a little goss, but I don't believe truly anything I read on there.

It's more like, what are people's PR pushing?

Yeah, it's more like fan fiction. It's more like, oh, that was a fun story to come up with. Something like something. Sometimes I've read full stories about myself, and I've been like, When did that happen? But anyway, so I go on page six because I was really looking for more Victoria Beckham stuff because I can't get enough. This is definitely not true, but there's an article that says, Nicole Ola's dad, who is a billionaire, gives her $1 million a month as her allowance.

I have so much respect.

I just don't think it would be true. And then the rest of the articles, the Beckhams did not foresee their son signing a prenup. They thought it would obviously be the other way around. But I'm just thinking, what could one do with a million dollars a month?

I'm going to say it, not to be too optimistic about life, but more money, more problems. Yeah, totally. I had a friend who was really rich, and her family was always fighting because so and so got gifted a Lexus, and she got gifted an Audi. And this is what they're fighting about. And to do a metaphor, I don't know why I was thinking about this before I went to sleep. But how...

Well, I can't wait to.

Last night? Last night. When I was in a K-hole. I was thinking about the perspective of life. Marilyn Monroe.

Just a Just a late evening shopping.

If you think of light cute things as you go to sleep, you're fucking adorable.

I've been reading my book. Well, yeah. Because you're trying to run away from something. There's something I haven't figured out what it is yet. You're pretending. I'm avoiding something.

You're like, If I just try to learn how to read in this moment, I won't remember everything I regret in my entire life. I was thinking about two types of people. Some person might get a diamond ring and another person as a gift, and another person, fully thought out of this, might get gifted a rock, and how the person who got the ring might have-There's no way you sat up in bed.

I swear to God, that's what I was thinking about. Set the scene, though. Was the TV on and this was just an inside thought? Or were you You're trying to fall asleep and you're like this. Did something spark this idea?

I feel like sometimes when I go to sleep, I envision I'm talking to you on Giggly Squad. Do you ever work out bits? I was thinking about what inspirational thing I'd want to say on Giggly Squad.

I've never had an original experience, ever.

Well, because when I say something funny, I immediately put it in the perspective of me telling you on Giggly Squad.

Do you know that I bought a shower notepad? Because there's so many times in the shower, I'm like, Girl, I got to tell Hannah this, but immediately you step out, you forget.

And then you have self-hatred, and then you go on a spiral. I was thinking about when someone gets a ring, first of all, they might not like who gave them the ring. They might have wanted a different shape ring. They might not like the ring. They wanted a lab, and they got that, whatever. But how sometimes people will get a rock, and they love the person and gave it to them. And the rock is actually meaningful for some reason. And there's an inside joke or a meaningful thing in how some people are happier with a rock than a ring.

Not me.

And that was Mel Robbins.

My mom always said... Actually, I don't know if my mom said this. Anyway, I heard a quote years ago that I always remembered. I think I heard it in college. That was, I rather love on a bike than cry in a limo. I always thought, not me.

Your mom also said, don't marry for money or you're going to- You'll work for it every day.

Work for it every day. Which is true. I've also never been in the situation. Because I also think I would do that as well. I'm exhausted. I did not foresee this for myself. I'm actually pissed at my own confidence, okay? I really got myself in a pickle a lot of times. I could be in a house right now in my... I don't even want to talk about it.

There's a lot of different houses you could have been in.

There's so many different houses I could be in right now. And you want to know where I am? Here. But do you want to know how I'm I'm your rock.

I'm your ugly little rock.

You're my rock. Then I'm like, I wanted a diamond. Do you know how many comments I've seen on the internet of Page and Hannah aren't really friends. You want to know what people don't realize about us and our friendship and our personalities in general? Yeah, maybe we have different interests. Maybe Hannah comes looking like a sex therapist sometimes. Where are your glasses? Pay your glasses on.

He can't see without his glasses.

I'm obsessed. No, Hannah, when she sat down, literally leaned over to me, and it felt like she was going to be like, So you're not orgasming? That's a problem.

What are you thinking about when he's on Why are women going on top?

That's actually a phenomenal question, and sometimes a lot of stuff.

Also, there's normalized more men going on top. Why are women going on top? We already income tax. Anyway, continue. I honestly think we've done such a good job because one thing the internet loves is pitting women against each other. I remember what I was going to say. Sorry. If I just say pitting women against each other, you're like, Yeah, I'm clocked in.

People don't realize that we have such similar personalities in terms of our core values. At our core stance, I would say our mantra for living is, I don't care. Oh. We don't care.

The depth of our friendship, we are literally the same. Yeah.

If we were to even get in a fight about something, we'd have to try really hard to care.

Because I get really nice messages about us sometimes, and they're like, Oh, that's called unconditional love, where even if you're upset at each other, you know it's not coming from a bad place. Right. Also, this is a little controversial, but people know us from our friendship from a reality TV show. And I'm just going to tell a story, and I might get in trouble, but I just want to tell a story. There's a situation where you have to realize that-I know all your stories, but I get ready. I know You're kidding. You could tell this story.

You're kidding. That did not happen. You were there.

On reality TV, friendships are part of the storyline. Friendship breaks up is a part of the storyline. They want to see who's closer to who, whatever. Let me just give you a day in the life of shooting a reality TV show. There was an episode where one of the girls who I loved was sobbing about something, and me and you were distraught, and we were like, We have to comfort her. We both go run to comfort her. A producer literally puts his arm in front of me, tackles me, and he said, No, let Paige handle this. And I'm like, But that's my good friend, and I want to be there. And I realized now, Oh, they want to show two people being closer than someone else. And And in the moment, you feel helpless or you feel like, okay, this might look... People might not be mad at me that I'm not comforting someone. But what you see on those shows is what they want you to see. And the friendships on those shows also.

That's so true. I keep forgetting that That's our-Origin story.

Our origin story. Yeah, you have to understand the root of it, where things come from.

When people see us, know us just from Giggly Squad, they're best friends.

Also, I think there's a lot of politics that I wasn't always good with reality TV of keeping people sweet, where you just get along with them for the sake of it. So that's my two sense on friendships and us. This is what it's like living with a man. He was drinking water and it went down the wrong pipe, went on for two hours. To the point that I started laughing because he was choking to death. And I was like, Can you order Uber Eats right before you choked to death? I just have one more thing I want to add to it. But that might start feeling bad for him because people don't talk about how traumatizing something going down the wrong pipe is because you're choking to death, but everyone knows you're not going to die, so no one helps you. But you're still fully choking to death.

What was the two hours of? When you say it lasted for 2 hours, he was clearing his throat for 2 hours, or he was just talking about how he almost died.

He was clearing his throat.

It was like, You know when you just can't get it out? He's somewhere right now not fully recovered.

Yeah. I'm like, I help. And also he's fine, but he's not.

You know what's crazy, too, is that women just... Obviously, we have a higher pain tolerance. That's why we bear children. I don't know how any That one can even argue that. It's like, Okay, but we push a watermelon out of something that's the size of a peanut.

Mine is smaller, but yeah.

And then the peanut grow. That alone is scientific.

I do have to say, though, stubborn your toe, I've been shot.

You know what? It's funny that you say that because I was going to say, And I'm obviously getting a C-section. In what fucking world?

Like, what? Are you allowed to be like, Give me a C-section.

I mean, actually, I don't know. I don't know.

Check the admins.

I actually have no fucking idea. I have heard a lot of women say that they've asked for C-sections, and their doctors have been like, No.

Because it is like You're cutting your abs in half.

Yes. But then I did have a girlfriend say, My gynecologist had a C-section. All the gynecologists in that group had a C-section. I'm getting a C-section. Now, I think it's just a longer obvious recovery, and you do have a scar. I know in myself, I'm not built.

I don't have the hips for it. Wait, did Did I tell you on stage? I've been talking about, should I have a baby? I talk about how you're freeze your eggs, whatever.

Like a little.

And someone raises their hand. I'm like, who thinks I should have kids? And normally they're like, you'd be a great mom. It's good material. This girl said the most genius thing. She goes, Your long torso can handle it.

You also have good hips.

I have good hips. I have a lot of space. I think I might be one of those girls who have two abs on top. I think I have to get abs first, but Wait, that actually just made me scared. I started to get worried about you.

Because I have the shortest torso in America.

You have a shortest torso, long, gorgeous legs.

Where's the baby going to go? Imagine I had twins.

Do you want me to surrogate for you? Because I'll have room. I'll have your baby and my baby. Could you make... Could that happen? That would be so fucking cute.

I feel like that could happen. Anyway, we're not going to get into it.

We're not going to get into the science of it all.

I didn't think about that. Yeah, you probably will carry You'll be more comfortable than I will be.

I mean, we'll see. You never know. But I do know. I just know I'm going to fucking punt it out of me. I'm like an athlete. I'm ready to just... I love how we're nowhere near pregnant, by the way.

I'm going to cry the whole time. I was like, I actually decided I can't do it. I don't want to do it.

People get scared about having the baby, but then I also feel like it'll feel like puking. When you're like, It's going to suck, but it's going to feel so fucking good after. That's how I see it.

You're just pulled the trigger.

You can rally.

Yeah, just get it out of you.

Pop it out and rally.

Wait, I do feel like, last thing about babies, because it's just a hypothetical, I do feel like you will be in the room when I give birth, and you'll be like, Okay, we don't even know this girl yet, though. We have to be careful. We don't really even know that.

Immediately, I'm going to be like, Do you think she likes me? Do you think he likes me?

We're going to be like, So are you guys closer than we are?

She'll give you a weird look. She's making it all about her right now, and you just had a really traumatizing time, and she's trying to cry.

I put a bow on her, and you're like, So you're already gifting her? Got it.

Wait, why? I just envision you putting a bow on one hair at the top of your baby's head and being like, Perfect.

Yeah, I will. I've already thought about the mini little butterfly clips that I could do a little ponytail with.

He goes, I'm going to bedazzle it.

I can't believe you couldn't notice my hair. I can't even look at myself in the sense.

There is lighting happening in the room.

No, it's my hair. That's what it looks crazy.

Well, whatever you look doesn't look worse.

What?

It doesn't look bad. I'm not like, Whoa, that's bad.

Okay, I am. Whatever. Okay, what were you going to say? I cut you off.

Okay, so I don't want to compare our cats because they're both perfect. But butter is a little more slender. Yes. Butter is tiny. She's the run to the litter.

Butter is a model. Daphné is an actress. Yes.

But Daphné also, I would love to see her shaven because she's probably like, actually...

I mean, she just has a- You want her mom to get a sexy cut. You want to shave my daughter. I get what people on the internet are saying. You hate me.

She has so much fluff. She's a little fluffer nutter.

Yeah, you'd like to see what her real body.

When I pet her, I don't feel her body. It's crazy. Where butter, you're immediately like, And that's your rib. So butterball, one of her favorite things to do, which Daphné would love to do if she could. She hides in little places. Remember Daphne I was hiding and you see her entire bottom half of her body from under the table. I love when she does that. It's so cute. She thinks she's slick. So today, we got a new cabinet for the bathroom, and I was looking for my toothbrush brush. I open one of the drawers, butter comes flying out. I don't know how the hell does she get in the drawer.

She can open cabinet? She can open things?

You ever have one of those bathroom cabinets where when you open it, there's a hole in the... Underneath, there's a hole somewhere. She slithered away in. She scared the shit out of me. I scared the shit out of her. We both went, we both yelled. Des is like, What's going on? I'm busy choking to death. We had a crazy morning. But at any time, your cat could be in the fridge. People don't talk about that enough with having cats. They literally see a room and they're like, I will find the one hiding. People always think they lose their cat.

Honestly, not Daphne. No.

Well, poor girl, Kim.

She One, she can't fit in that crevice. Maybe she'd like to, but she's like, I can't.

Cads can contort their bodies. She's a designer, so you don't contort it. It's like trying to put a burk in a suitcase and crumbling it up.

Yeah, you're not going to smush it.

You can't smush it. You'll hurt the leather. Yes, that's what Daphne is.

I was just going to say, I don't know why I'm asking you this, which is such a mean way to start this sentence.

Give it to me.

But I feel like I'm always looking for new jeans.

You go, This is more just towards the ether. This isn't towards you. Actually, don't answer this.

No matter what day of the week it is, no matter what season it is, I'm always like, I have no pants. I always hate my jeans. Even if I see a girl wearing a pair of jeans and I'm like, Yes, that's exactly what I'm looking for. It looks good with the outfit. You order those jeans, then I get them and I'm like, I fucking hate these jeans.

Well, depending on your body type, it's a whole thing. Also, I don't know about you, but when I shop, I shop for tops. Shopping for pants is like a... That's like getting a new house.

It's a big commitment.

Yeah, like trying on pants. Also, I feel like I don't want as many pants as I have tops.

Here's what I also do. I feel like I'm always ordering pants I'm trying them on and I'm returning them.

Yeah, because I feel like you can deal with an uncomfortable top. But if your pants are uncomfortable, you can't run.

I'm just having a pant problem. Well, Which brand jeans are your go-to?

I love Abercrombie & Fitch. I love Madewell for just good jeans. They're not too stiff. I can't always fit into vintage stiff jeans. I'm obsessed.

That's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a stiff coffee jean.

I can't. It's not going past my thighs. I love A Gold. A Goldy? I love their barrel jean. I'm obsessed with their barrel jean. Everyone compliments It bothers me on it. I don't know if it's just like...

Do you want to know the jeans I've been wearing the most? What? I have these black jeans from Mango.

Great.

It actually pisses me off because I'm like, these were the least expensive of all the jeans that I'm looking at. I have a pair, I don't know why I did this. I literally got bullied into buying a pair of Kate jeans. I hate them. First of all, I don't have a torso. Anything that goes above my belly button, I'm like...

It's on your nipple. Yeah.

I'm like, okay, so jeans are the whole outfit. I guess I'll put a bandeau on. I look ridiculous.

I cannot with expensive things that are worse than cheap things. It makes me...

That's my biggest pet piece. The thing that annoys me the most is I bought them, I put them on, and I was like, Yeah, no. And then I I had people being like, No, you're going to wear them? No, they're the perfect jean. You have to keep them. Then I kept these jeans, and I'm like, This was the biggest waste of money. This was two years ago. I still look at these jeans, and I'm like, Fuck you.

That's when someone pressures you to order something expensive on the menu, and they're like, It's so worth it. It's what they're known for. And then you get it, and it tastes like shit. And you're like, I just wanted the cheeseburger. I just wanted the cheeseburger. Why did I get this pasta that has all this weird shit in it?

When in doubt, I'm ordering a grilled cheese sandwich.

You'd never go wrong.

If you're ever... One of my biggest feelings that I hate is when you're hungry, but you don't know what to eat.

Never happens to me, but yeah. Wait, really? I'm a pregnant woman. I know every time what I want. I'm very into it.

You're never walking around the kitchen at 7: 00 PM and you're like, What do I even feel like?

Well, I've never been in a kitchen, first of all. No, I always know. It's my calling. That's your superpower. That's my superpower. I also wanted to make an app that's like, you go into Uber Eats, and either you want one specific dish. You're like, I need eggplant Parmajian. But I want to see all the eggplant parmajians, not just the random restaurants, but also put in, Do you want sweet? Do you want savor? Do you want vegetable? Put more general things, and then it gives you more specific recommendations. Because deciding what you're going to eat every day gives people a lot of anxiety. Okay.

I low-key wish that when you went on Uber Eats, you could have friends, and then you could see what they were eating.

Oh, my God. I want to be an Uber Eats influencer. I would kill it. I'd be like, Guys, no.

I think they should do...

This is a great idea. You would take photos with it? Be like, This one's the sushi.

Because how many times are you like... Okay, same thing with Netflix. I wish I could go onto my Netflix and I could have friends and I could just see what they were watching. So I could be like, Oh, my God, I forgot about that show.

Maybe it's like an app. See, we like to come up with business ideas on this. Maybe it's like an app called Taste, where it's everyone's taste. I have the logo. It's in the works right now. It's just definitely taste.

And it's your taste for all genres.

Everything. So it's all in one place. So then you see what people are eating. Everything can What you're listening to, what you're eating, what you're watching.

Wait, we might have to cut this out because we need to trademark that.

We need to do this.

That's a brilliant idea.

Because also, let's be honest, word of mouth is what works, not people not a television commercial. You're not suddenly going to be like, Oh, I need to eat that tonight.

Unless it's Kinder chocolate, then absolutely get that.

Which, by the way, is still waiting for my shipment. I haven't found it yet. I'm like, I better have a fucking year supply of Kinder because I love that shit. You remember how I was talking about with your closet, how there's all these clothes that you like, but you never wear, and I don't know what to do with them because they're starting to build up? Someone had genius advice. She was like, If you're on the fence, force yourself to try it on and you'll know. Because you know that stuff that you're just like, it's always there. It looks cute.

All my pants. Getting dressed in the morning, I'm like, Okay, I have great jackets. I have really cool tops. I can accessorize this cool belts. And then I get to the bottom half and I'm like, what are we doing here?

My toxic trait is I'll wear a jean for weeks, the same jean.

Yeah. You just rotate the top. I can picture your favorite pair of jeans in my head.

Yeah. But also So this is why I love a set. You love a set. It helps you come up with the whole outfit. And I love monochromatic stuff, which leads me to another thought. I was thinking about Kim Kardashian's Skims.

I'm always thinking about her.

And honestly, she's beyond crushing it. If she was a man- Wait, do you know that I downloaded and bought the subscription to Masterclass just because I wanted to listen to hers?

But they have so many- Amy Poehler has one. They have so many really good ones. I actually think it's worth the subscription if you want to learn about a specific thing.

If you want to better yourself? Yeah. Not really. No, but what does she talk about on it? Because she could talk about so many things. I just have this- Do you know what people don't call out, which is iconic, and you and me, we would love this? Kanye had Yeezy, right? If you remember the fashion shows, it was very monochromatic, and he had crazy shoes. She definitely learned from being with him about that stuff.

Oh, that's a whole Laura thing.

Well, because Skims is literally like, if Yeezy was mainstream, successful, and for women.

Well, she's talked about that before.

How it inspired her.

That when they started dating, he 100% did a whole overhaul of her style, and that she wasn't taken seriously by any major fashion publications like Vogue. Vogue would never put her on the cover. The first time she was on the cover was with him. She had a video the other day or something. I don't know where she was, and she was wearing an outfit, and she was wearing Yeezy heels from years ago, and she was like, They truly are the best shoes. So he definitely- I definitely think-influenced her.

If your man isn't good for you, at least look through what he's done in his life and pull anything you can learn from it, and then use it against him later.

I'm trying to think if I've dated anyone that they've influenced any part of my style. Oh, what a good- You thought you were going to say of my life.

Wait, so have you ever changed your style, though, based on the vibe? Because a lot of celebrities will... Bella Hadid is with the Alligator Hunter. No, that's Landa, right? Bella Hadid was with the Cowboy.

Is with the Cowboy. They just broke up. Oh, did they? Oh, my God. Okay, because I was going to say, the last three paparazzi pictures, I was like, these are great outfits. Where the fuck have you been in these outfits?

Also, she's working. She's back working. I don't want to blame the man. I don't want to blame the man. Maybe she was just having fun.

She was stuck in a rodeo somewhere. I was like, what are we doing?

The only time a man's ever tried to inspire my style is when they'll see a sexy dress or a sexy top, and they're like, Why don't you wear that? I'm like, Because I don't want to, and it's not comfortable.

The only time a man has inspired my style is I was in my early 20s, and I had a guy being like, Don't wear that, wear this. You should wear... And then I realized I was, in fact, in an abuse of relationship.

You're like, Okay, this is a paper I have a bag over my head. What do you mean wear this?

The first couple of months, I was like, Okay, yeah, I like this taxi dress. I can wear this.

I love turtle neck sweaters.

Four months in, my mom goes, You look ridiculous.

You look like a clown. What are you wearing? Did you see the tweet that made me think of you when people go, Who is this clown? Is the best thing to say? Because first of all, you're calling someone a clown, but then you're also saying they're not even famous enough to be a well-known clown.

You say, Who is this Just as an insult to anyone.

I feel like you've said that before.

I've definitely said that to a guy before. I do know that I have influenced every single guy I've dated style in a nice way. I like doing that stuff, and I have ideas. I really never got that much pushback. I mean, a couple of times where they were like...

That's my favorite sandal. Yeah, I hate you.

I'm like, Oh, okay, but you look better. I hate me all the way to a photoshoot.

I touch my therapist and you're controlling. Hate me all the way to the photoshoot. Hate me after the reviews come in, okay?

No, truly hate me after the reviews.

I think I have to be a little more subtle because I'm not like, Mrs. Fashion. Also, I'm not passionate about men's fashion.

Okay, but if I dated you and I said, Hey, do you think this joke is funny? And you gave me your literal opinion and you were like, No, I would take that as, Okay, well, she knows.

Also, speaking of dating me, there's It's also a lure of the internet that is convinced that we are lesbian lovers, but in a nonsexual marriage. A lot of lesbians just listen to our pod as a lesbian podcast. They're like, It's our favorite lesbian podcast. Thank God. I said, That is actually what we've been trying to put out there.

That's actually what we've set out to do.

Yes. In terms of fashion, Dez, as you guys know, he's lived a long life before me. He's had a lot of influences, and he has a way about him. It's hard to teach an old dog tricks. Also, you have to do it subtly. Now, Dez famously loves wearing suits when he performs. Okay. Yeah. And he looks so handsome in them. But this is what he's been doing for a long time. That's his thing. I did get rid of some of his... He had a floral shirt that was annoying me that somehow got out of the rotation. I don't know how. Maybe my mom got rid of it. I don't know.

I actually feel like I know what floral shirt you're talking about. Was it navy blue?

Yeah, there's also a purple one. He loved it because that was him having fun. But recently, as you guys know, I love Lululemon, and I just was like, Let's go to Lululemon and do... Their men's stuff is amazing. So he grabbed some stuff.

I love a man in a jogger.

Oh, yes. And then there was this adorable gaggler helping him shop. And I was like, Des, do you want me to help you pick things? He was like, I got this. I'm like, okay. So I looked at the gaggler and I was like, You got this for me? And he was like, Don't worry, babe. So he held his hand through the whole thing. And Des has naturally a good sense of style. He just got I'm stuck in this, I wear tuxedos on stage. So if you look at his most recent videos, he's wearing the best Lululemon bomber jacket. People have been commenting like, Des, you look so good. If he hears this, he's going to be like, You know this was all me. I was working hard in the background. Yeah, you were the cupateer. I'm gardening. I'm gardening. Finally, it's become a flower. So I think I'm similar to you, just less to his face. But also, he does ask my opinion about stuff, and he can tell when I don't love something, and he'll take it into consideration.

The only thing that stops me from doing that sometimes with boyfriends is because I'm like, This is a little sinister. In my head, I'm like, I'm obviously getting out of here at some point. The fact that you're going to take this on with you when I gave you this confidence annoys me. Where I'm like, I almost don't want to teach you all my tricks because you're going to act like they are yours, which I've seen happen so many times. I'm like, I created you.

But you also don't want him to use it against other women in the future to trick them that he's the guy that he isn't just because he's wearing that shirt that you put him in.

I don't know what you just said, but I freaking concur.

I had an embarrassing plane moment.

What happened?

Oh, my God. I was flying Alaska.

Flying Alaska?

Out of Seattle, Alaska is very popular. No way. And it was when all the flights were getting canceled. So I booked an Alaska flight, and I felt so good. I'm going to get into New York.

No, it's so you to be flying in the eye of the storm.

Yeah. I'm like, Give me a And I find an aisle seat, I'm in. I go to the lady at the desk, security, and she's like, We don't have you down for this flight. Did it get canceled? I'm like, I don't know. I didn't get notified. I'm like, Here's my ticket. I have a ticket. And she's like, It's not coming up in my system. What? 30 minutes I'm still boarding, right? So I have to walk all the way to the Alaska desk. It's chaos. And I'm waiting in a line. And you know when you're like, I'm going to miss this flight, find another lady who's just walking around. And I'm like, I have a ticket. I don't know why I can't get on.

I've cried at Newark before.

The two times I cry are sports documentaries. And an airplane. And an airplane. Because in that moment, you feel like people are sabotaging you. You're like, I have a ticket.

She didn't let me in. I almost missed my flight to Fiji, and I was there three hours prior just because I couldn't find the gate.

Why? Do I feel like I'm so strong dealing with adversity? Anything can happen to me, and I'm like, I'll overcome this. But one thing goes wrong at the airport, and I'm like, I'm never going to see my mom again.

No one's around.

No one's around.

No one works at the airport.

They have this thing where at some point they're just like, Yeah, you can't get on. There's bigger rules there.

There are times where they're like, This is actually above my pay grade, so I have no idea.

They're always like, Yeah.

They're like, I want to help you, but I can't.

The computer says no. They're always like, No, you're on That's the time Mytheresa, the website, blocked me from ever ordering from there.

And they said, Sorry, you're in the system that you can't order from here. I got on the internet immediately- You have amazing taste. In their DMs, and I'm like, Why can't I order from there? I've never even returned something to you guys. They're like, Sorry, sometimes it just randomly goes, and our name will go in the system, and it gets blocked. I'm like, Okay, can you go in the system and unblock it? They're like, No. I'm like, But you're the system. You're the system. Anyway, I can order from there now. It lasted six months.

So this lady walks me back to the same security, and she's like, Let's try it again. And I'm like, This is not going to work. It's 10 minutes till boarding, and suddenly it works. And I'm like, So was I going to miss the flight because of someone's system? Anyway, I digress. I get on, and I have 30 minutes, and I'm like, You know what I'm going to do? I'm trying to cancel a health insurance to go to a new health insurance because as you guys know, when you have your own business-It's not a health insurance war in the burner.

Bishop home.

Yeah, We have to pay for... We have to find our own insurance. I don't know, actually.

I don't know. We have to get it. We have to have it. We have to have it. We have to pay for it.

So I call, and I'm like, I have to cancel. And they were like, Oh, you can cancel through us. You have to cancel through New York State of Health. I was like, Okay, call New York State of Health.

You're doing this whilst on the plane?

On the plane. Because you know when you're like... If I do it on the plane, it's productive. Where if I do it during my free time, I'm like, This is ruining my life. So I'm like, I'm already crying at the I might as well just double down. Wait, I think the same way.

When I'm going to be doing something miserable, why not add it?

Pile it on, pile it on, babe.

I'm literally- Anytime someone's like, Do you want to do that meeting, too? I'm like, You know what? Add it to that day because I'm going to want to kill myself all day.

No, it's like staying up late where it's already 2: 00 AM. What's 3: 00 AM?

Wait, people don't talk about that.

I'm on the phone and they're like, Oh, you have to go to the small business person. I say, Great. They send me to her. She goes, We don't have you in our system. You have to go to our individual people. I'm like, You know when you finally speak up and you're like, By the way, I have been put to four different people. Are you sure? They're like, I'm sure. You're back to the original person. I'm losing my mind. And finally they're like, We can't find you in our system. It's like when you put in your password and it doesn't work. And then you try to do a new password, and they're like, That password is the old password. I'm like, Guys, clearly I have it because I'm getting charged every month. I want to get out of it. So I finally just hang up because we're about to take off. And the guy next to me is Sorry about that. No way. And I was like, I am so sorry. Because I was trying to speak low, but he's like, Health insurance is a motherfucker, right? And I'm like, I'm so sorry. You just heard me in my darkest hour.

I never want anyone to hear me on a customer service call with health insurance. I am depleted. I am beaten down. I have no belief in myself or the world. And then we ended up bonding. And what I love about when men talk to me at the airport, they don't ask you questions about themselves. What do you mean? You know, sometimes you get stuck in a conversation with a random mom, and she's, Where are you from? What are you doing? And it's nice, but you're tired. This man starts talking to me, and I'm like, Oh, no, I'm going to have to get into a conversation. Talked about himself for 10 minutes and then left me alone. I said, Men are amazing.

And that's some of my best dates.

I take back everything I said about men. You start talking about his job. Never asked me what I did once. Never asked me what I did once. For the first time, I was like, Thank God it's a man, because I was not in the mood to get into it.

Because a woman would have been like, What are you dealing with? Because they're like, Maybe I could help.

A hundred %. This man talked at me for 10 minutes, and I said, I'd rather be on the phone with customer service, but this is fine.

And you were thankful.

Grateful with their lack of interest. He probably was like, There's no way this girl has a job. I just heard her trying to cancel health insurance. There's no way she's capable of anything. He was like, bragging to me about his job, too. I was like, Okay. He also asked me what to do in New York City. I blanked. What do you tell people?

Hannah. I I literally... But people will DM me. Also the snowstorm.

I was like, Stay inside.

Girls will always DM me like, What's a fun place for me to go for my birthday? I'm like, I don't know. I haven't known a fun place in five years.

I'm a girl. Normally, I'd be like, Okay, go thrifting in the Lower East Side, walk around Tribeca, Soho, West Village. I said that to him, and he was like, Okay. He's like a 40-year-old engineer.

No, I'm so bad. If anyone ever asks me that in my real life, I'm like, Why don't you text my friend, blah, blah, blah, blah, Do you have a restaurant that you recommend?

No, there's too many.

There's so many. I mean, yes, my favorite restaurant of all time in New York City is Bar Pitty. But that's not a restaurant you're getting dressed up and going. That's just... I don't know. You can wear sweats.

Also, what's fun about New York is when you're walking around, you get starving, and you pop into a place- That you've literally never seen of or heard of. Opened up yesterday. But what I like to about New York is that because there's so many places, it's so competitive, that if it lasts more than a year, it's good.

I've been to a lot of really horrible places that are just nightlife places that I've gone back to in my 30s, and I've been like, How did you guys stay open? This is disgusting.

Because it's all vibes and aura.

Also, everything now, I feel like every new restaurant is like, We do bar food, but in a cool way.

I'm like, Just shut up.

Just give me a regular burger, you freak.

Hot take, because in my elder years, I've had more of these dinner meeting things. Events. Well, but it's like you go, there's a table, and it's like, These aren't your best friends. These are coworkers. I hate those.

You do way more of those than I do.

I shouldn't because I go to dinner. I'm hungry. It's a dinner. I don't care if there's people that it's work-related. It's a fucking dinner. And they love to play dumb. They've never eaten dinner before. I've been like, should we just share some things?

My anxiety works in such mysterious ways.

Yeah, you're never hungry during these things.

I could be hungry all day and know I'm going to dinner at 07: 00 PM. Right when I sit down at that table, I'm magically on Ozempic. I'm like, I actually haven't thought about a carb in two weeks. There's something in me that I physically cannot eat. There are so many times where I've gone out to dinner and been like, I'm just going to wrap up and eat it at home.

Well, that's why I get so embarrassed. When we did reality TV, if you were wine to the dinner portion, I'm stress eating. I'm shoving my face. I'm also like, if I'm chewing, I don't have to come with a fast comeback. You know what I mean? You haven't touched your gnocchi.

No, I can't.

Haven't touched it. I don't know why. But you let me eat it, which is why.

And once I have an alcoholic beverage, that's it. Then I'm like, No, I can't eat. Just get me another drink. I'll be fine.

And you're also a little nauseous.

Well, my baseline is always a little nauseous. People are just a little nauseous.

So people will do this, let's share. And I'm like, first of all, sharing is intimate. I barely share with my husband, and now I have to find the social norms of sharing food with strangers. And I'm very aware of not being rude, but I'm also aware that I'm fucking starving, and we're all just talking. So I'm the person that's like, Are you guys eating that art joke in front of you?

No, there are times where I'm like, Yeah, we'll do it for the table, but get two orders because this one's mine. I'm eating all of what's on this one plate.

I love going off with apps. Order a ton of apps. But in terms of my dinner, and I know if people are like, I don't know what I want, that's a you problem.

No, we're very compatible to go out to dinner because I don't eat. You've eaten yours and then some of mine.

And we're great. I hate when someone is not free with offering their food. That's the thing. We'll share. But once I know I have- And I never once have you shared with me? Well, because you can't keep up.

I'll look over to have a bite and it's all gone. I'm like, How did you even do that?

So on the road with Ali, she likes to ask what I'm ordering from room service. You're so jealous right now. Look at your face. Yeah, I am. You wouldn't have been jealous this last week.

No, because you want to know what? You guys get ready and you go out to dinner. Never once.

Is she proposing that? That was one-off day.

No, I feel like you were dressed I saw you.

Paige was mad that I wore makeup going out to eat with Ali once.

Because I'm just like, when have we ever?

It was Aspen. That would have been disrespectful if I show up to dinner the way I normally look.

And you were saying at that hotel.

Yes. There was nuances, too. I would never just put makeup on for dinner. That's fucking insane. There were nuances. There were nuances. But you were mad. You go, What did you dress up for?

Normalize people not knowing the whole story and you not explaining it to them, just being like, There are nuances.

Context is important.

You You wouldn't get the nuances. Context is important. And I'm not explaining it to you.

Final thing. I want to discuss traitors. Okay. Can you not go off about Colton this time? I don't know. Even though all your points are 100% valid. I was just thinking about me and you on traitors, and how I don't understand the strategy.

There is none.

Because this is the thing. If you really wanted me to fucking find a traitor, which, by the way, I would be a faithful, and I'd be a traitor killer, and I would sit there, and instead of everyone just looking at each other, being like, Where are you from? Looking at each other. I go, No, we're all going around. Tell me your name, your sign, and why you're not a traitor. Put people under the fucking light. Everyone's too polite about it. I want to be like, explain yourself, and don't blink when you do it. Look at me in the eye. I want people being challenged.

My thing is, because we're from reality TV, it's hard for me, even with like, dancing with the stars, it's hard for me to be like, oh, yeah, that's 100% what happened, and all those people are safe. In my head- You think it's rigged?

Yes.

In my head, there's a producer that went up and said, You're picking so and so. Everyone will follow you. We've also told this person to pick them.

Well, also, when you see in traders where it starts with one person being like, Is it Portia? And then the next second, everyone's like, It's fucking Portia.

But then on the other side of the coin, in my head, I'm a producer. I don't want Portia leaving that early because she's such good TV. But they did have Lisa Renna. So it's like they had explosive good TV. But I just can't...

Same thing with last season. Donna Kelsey, apparently, because I was posting that I was sobbing. Donna Kelsey made me emotional. Just her being like, I wanted to be here longer, but whatever. And then people were like, You dumb ass. Clearly, she agreed to do one episode. I was I was like, Why would you vote the nice old lady off? And then they played it that everyone was just like, Donna, you're a traitor. They made her a traitor. Everyone knew. It was so fake.

That was like, she loved the show. She wanted to be on it, but they were like, Hey, you can't actually do this show.

Taylor Swift was also probably like, Let's not...

No, she probably...

In the van immediately, they were like, So what's Taylor like?

That's also so crazy. But yeah, it was definitely like she had a one episode contract.

I would never let my mom go on a reality TV show, even though I did before. It would That's a different type, though. If they made one fucking thing look bad, I would lose it. I would lose. Imagine your mom. I mean, horrible. I mean, we could imagine. The whole time I was like, leave.

There were so many times where Summerhouse wanted to film certain things with my family, and my mom was like, no. The biggest regret I have is for a season putting my family on because I didn't know.

Final thought about my dad. I'm doing stand-up comedy, having fun, and there's always an occasional man that'll be like, Does your dad know you see that stuff on stage? How do your parents feel? I'm always like, I am my dad. I'm my dad. I'm just being my dad. Is that so funny? I'm 50% is my dad, and what you're seeing on stage is my dad. I've said actual jokes that he said on stage.

Now I come from a little bit more of a conservative- Because you're going to say couth. No, conservative parents in terms of, You don't talk about You don't say that, blah, blah, blah. And even people will say to my dad, Wow, she really... And my dad will go, Oh, really?

Because they don't say that to the male comics.

Yeah. And it's even like reality TV. There was a time where people were like, So Page does OnlyFans. And my dad was like, No. But anyhow.

We love you guys. Thank you so much for giggling with us. And I think our Netflix thing with Mindy Kaling and Kate Hudson. Tickets. And Brenda Song. Tickets. You could buy tickets. It might be sold out, but double check, okay? Netflix is a joke festival. We love you guys. Bye.