Transcript of Giggling about boy moms, being amish, and brazilian waxes

What's up, gigglers? Gary, fix the WiFi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

Okay, we got a recommendation from Paige on this one. Welcome, my Glendale gigglers.

It's the home of your people.

My people.

It's like an old Kardashian reference. I always forget to sometimes pick up my microphone.

Yeah. Yeah. Your little pink microphone. We're back, baby. We got our Duncan refreshers.

We're back. We're a little late. We had a snowstorm. Things were happening. I'd like to jump right in with some things that have annoyed me thus far in my week.

I love this because literally, when I tell you we've been holding back, the two episodes a week is giving me life. I've never had more shit to say.

Get on it. Let's go. I actually think it's making me more present in my everyday life because I'm like, I'll be talking to someone. I'll be like, Sorry, can Can you repeat that? Because I'm going to talk about it on my podcast.

No, the amount of times I don't respond to someone and just start writing in my notes app and they're like, Are you okay? I'm like, This is going to be perfect for something. I can't get into it right now. I'm curating content for the gigglers.

I also have a small surprise for you. One get into it. Not even a surprise, like something I need to read to you. Anyway, first and foremost on my docket.

You're like, I have a surprise. I can read. Continue. She's like, I figured out a sentence. I sounded out words, and it forms a sentence.

Somebody said to me the other day, Oh, the How to Giggle book. And I go, The what?

They go, The book you wrote.

I go, Oh, the book my friend wrote. Yeah.

You mean last year? You mean last year? I'm talking about 2026, baby. Let's go.

Yeah, I'm like, Sorry. That was last fiscal year I've moved on. My first gripe, because I think it happened right after we recorded last week, did you see the live climber?

I knew you were going to say that. Get out of my head. I'm with Alie Colbert on the road, and we're waiting to go on stage, and she goes, Oh, this guy's climbing. And we put it on in the green room. Of course, every girl is just like, go to therapy. Every girl is like, the things men do instead of going to therapy. What were your thoughts?

I thought it should be illegal, first of all. I thought, this It seems like a huge liability for Netflix. They just bought another company. This guy dies. It's all done.

No, and at the end, he's just standing on top of it. And I'm like, at any moment, he could sneeze. A bird could hit him in the head. Also, if he were to die, I mean, I guess they had... I guess they'd cut the camera. It must have been delayed a little. But that would have traumatized the generation.

When he got to the top, I go, Now, how's he getting in the building?

That's what I was Is there a helicopter coming?

How's he getting down?

Also, the things men do to not take care of their family, spend some quality time with your children. And then having his wife watch he's at war or something, It was strange.

There are men that will literally throw a fit if their wife goes on a girls' weekend. And this man's like, Hey, babe, so I might die tomorrow. You're good with the kids, though, right? What the fuck?

I wonder if they asked the wife, Can you watch? If she was like, No, I have a family to take care of. I can't watch my husband rock climb.

I think there was one sound bite that she gave that she was like, Yeah, he talked about this when we were dating. I didn't think it was serious.

I thought it was a bit. I thought it was a joke.

No, the things that men will truly do to not just speak to someone who went to school to become a professional, psychiatric helper is crazy.

Call your mom, call your dad, talk some of these childhood things through.

Anyone, call up your nearest pizza delivery person, have a quick chat, and figure it out. I actually was so mad watching it. At one point, I go, Turn it off. Turn it off. I hope this guy fucking fall. I was so pissed.

Well, I hate to say it. We have no connection to this man. I don't know who I'm waiting for. I see Is he the villain? Did he do something wrong and he's trying to escape? Is this Godzilla? What are we watching here?

Here's the other thing. I felt like a mom because I was like, Okay, now if my child turned on Netflix, clicked this, and then all of a sudden thought he could scale our home, I'd be livid. And God forbid, the guy fell and my child is sitting there like, Huh? I just thought it was such a weird- You know how many six-year-olds are trying to climb their right now?

And it's like, We don't need this.

It was a weird flex on Netflix's part, but like...

It also is annoying me because it did well, so people love fame. So next thing, the men are going to like...

It did phenomenally.

There's going to be weird shit doing like, I'm going to go underwater for 72 hours. No, let's just practice empathy. Let's practice empathy. Love thy neighbor. No.

Let's practice empathy as a country. Let's calm the fuck down.

Also, you know that when she was first dating him, he was talking off his ass like, I love climbing. And she was like, Cool. I love a guy with a goal. A hobby. He will. Yeah. You see a challenge and you know she was sitting there like, How the fuck did we get here? She was thinking about that other guy on Hinge who was like, I'm not really outdoorsy. And at first she thought it was boring, and now she's like, That would have been nice.

She's like, I could have been with a shoe salesman. I could have been with someone normal.

Stop pretending you're outdoorsy on these We know you don't like mosquitoes. We know, yeah, you like a sunset. That doesn't mean you want to go camping. Just be upfront in the beginning because that could be you. This is a warning.

You know what's funny? I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and she was like, Oh, yeah, I did the half marathon. And then one of my other friends was there and was like, Wow, how long did you do it? How long was your mile? And she was like, Oh, I think it was nine minutes. And I go, Guys, do you know I've never ran a mile?

Humble brak.

And they looked at me and they go- She was, If you believe it, you can do it. They go, How? They go, Our high school didn't do it. I didn't join any organized sport. So who's telling me to run a mile?

I've made you walk a mile before against your will.

That's different. That's a trick. You tricked me. I mean, I've never gotten dressed and been like, I'm going to run.

Watch me run. Well, famously, Running a Mile was my most dramatic event in college, and I promise not to run a time mile since, and I've been able to do that. So if you guys want hope and you want to look towards something that's motivational and inspiring, Paige and I both haven't ran a mile in a long term.

Can I guess what your Mile was at your height of your peak athleticism?

Well, this is a sports podcast. Don't get me going, girl. This is my shit. Let's go. Wait, I've been waiting my whole life for this moment.

I'm going to say at your peak, you You could run one mile...

Sprint.

In four minutes and 30 seconds.

Okay, that's insane. Is it? Under four minutes is the best... I believe in you. The way I I love you so much. The way I love you so much, you're like, Well, you're my best friend. You're strong. You're fast.

Yeah.

Okay, not to get into my dark past, but after you have tennis season, we all have a summer free. You can stay at the school and train, but not all of us do. Did you? Then I did my first season, like freshman, and then I didn't.

That sounds traumatizing.

When you come back, the coach isn't just like, Welcome back, guys. He's like, So what did you guys do all summer? And are you ready to play? And we're like, What do you mean? And it's like survivor. And he's like, Okay, we're all going to do the mile test. And if you run more than seven minutes, you're not making the team. So you're immediately up for an elimination.

Wait, more than seven minutes?

Yeah. So if you run over seven minutes, you're not qualified for your scholarship. So my fastest was 6: 15, which for a sprinter, that's pretty good. And famously, my friend was puking in the bathroom after, so I went in, I started puking, and the whole team started puking. And that's a trauma bond that you can never undo. And it's women supporting women. And we all felt so and skinny afterwards. It was truly amazing. You would have loved it.

That I would love. No, I can't. I don't ever. That's why when anyone's ever like, Oh, my God, you're going to be on traitors, or you should do... I'm like, I'm not running for someone else.

It's my thing. I've lived a lot of lives, and I'm like, I've done this shit. And the amount of messages I got from the last episode of me explaining the nuances of tennis rudeness to you made me realize... Also, I was on a team with seven girls who had to play against each other. This was torture. This was torture.

Speaking of traitors, I watched the first episode. Well, I fell asleep, but I started the season. I watched the first episode. It's so much funnier now that I know the Colton lore to go back and be starting the season, because in the very first episode, he says, here's the thing with Here's my thing with men that I think- You are so locked in on Colton.

You're like, You're not getting away from me, bitch.

You're not getting away from me, okay? I don't even know Cassie, but I stand with her. Here's my one thing that I've learned over my many years of dating that I used to overlook in men. This also, I would say, goes for friendships, too. If someone has to repeatedly tell you who they are, it's a quick lesson that that is not who they are. That's who they want to be, and they probably try and be that version of themselves, but that is not them. If you're dating a guy and he's like, I'm a really nice guy. I'm just a nice guy.

I'm a really good guy. I'm like, No one said you weren't. Why are you saying that to me?

I'm just stupid. I get myself in these... It's like, no, you're evil. You're manipulative, and I've caught you.

Every guy that says they're a good guy is evil.

You just wanted to mark that. And in the first episode, he's going up to find out if he's a traitor or not. And I don't even know what cast member says it. Like, Oh, you're laughing so much. I wonder what you got, what you are, traitor or faithful. And he says, I'm just a happy guy. You'll learn that. I'm in a good mood.

And then in the- That was scary. I actually got chills when he said that. Because first of all, no one's happy. Let's just get that.

No one's happy. You're at work.

Period. No one's happy. You're a fucking liar. You're a fucking liar. No one's been happy in the history of civilization. You're a liar.

Then when he goes, everyone says, How did you play in the NFL? First of all, you barely played in the NFL. Second, he was like, People think like, Oh, I'm so big and mean. How did I hit people? What are you talking about? Yeah, you stalk someone. I rather you be in the NFL, get CTE because you got hit so many times than ever stalk anyone, you A literal freak. Anyway, I don't even know if I can continue because he makes me so angry. And here's another thing, and this is the last thing I'll say. You ever meet a girl and people will say... This is only a phrase for women because people hate women, but where there'll be like, She has crazy girl eyes. You ever meet a girl and you're like, Oh, yeah. Now, I usually make that person my best friend because I'm like, You're a little bit crazy.

I was about to say that's the only people I surround myself with because I'm about to have a good time.

You're a little bit nuts. I'd like to see what you do. He He has crazy guy eyes. He has the eyes where you're like, Oh, you'll slip my throat. He's scary.

Anyhow. I hope you guys are enjoying Traitors.

I hope you guys are loving it also.

On a lighter note, we've decided that if you want to name your baby and you're confused, you DM Page. I realized I've had it maybe once before. It's too much responsibility for me. I feel like that's too much of a heavy burden for me to carry.

I'm going to be honest. The pages, though, they're coming to me with prepared pretty good names. I would say there's a handful of times where I'm like, I don't-We got to start at the drawing board again. I don't know if that's flowing the way you think it's flowing. But most- You don't know these people.

She could be like, That was my dead grandma's name.

Sometimes we'll say in parentheses, Family name, I have to. And I'm like, Okay. I feel like a lot of boy moms have in their head who they think their son should end up with. And it's this mythical creature. I got hit with this in my mid-20s. It was the first time ever I'd had a boyfriend where me and the mom didn't vibe. And I feel like my first boyfriend ever, his mom set the precedent of, This is how mom should be, and she was so cool. So I never had an issue with moms. Then I was 24, 25, and I dated this guy. And one time, we were out to dinner with his family, and we had a waitress, a normal girl waitress, and she would come over to the table and do her job. And the mom looked at my boyfriend and said, The waitress is stunning, isn't she? And then would hit him.

Oh, you almost Theresa Giudice that table.

I remember turning and being What the fuck? Come to find out, I remember learning that she thought that I was not good enough for him whatsoever, that she felt like I was uneducated. I was like, Wait till I go on a reality show, you stupid bitch. It was my first time ever seeing a mom hate you just because you're dating their son, and it's a slippery slope.

I feel like with moms, there's three different directions. The first one is you meet the mom and you go, That's why he likes me. She's that girl. She's me. I would have been friends with her. We are friends. Actually, I prefer her to him. Actually, me and her complaining about him. Actually, I love this woman. I will text her after we break up. So you're like, Oh, I love this because I see what he sees in me because he loves his mom. Two, some guys are trying to break familial trauma where you meet his mom and you realize you're the opposite of mom, and he's rebelling against her to be like, I don't want this in my life anymore. And you might be more like his dad. I don't know.

But he might be trying to break-RIP Dez's mom. Yeah. Do you think you're similar to Dez's mom?

Well, I actually think Dez and his mom are very similar, and that's why I would have loved her. Got it. She is him. I am like my dad. And also... No, I just all the time, I'm like, Would she would have loved me? And he's like, I don't know. He holds it over my head. He's like, She wouldn't like that you didn't fucking do your bed this morning. I'll tell you that. She wouldn't have liked you getting all chatty in the... He can use it against me. Then there's the mom. Then lastly, there's the mom who is just not... You don't connect at all and you go, Oh, he's chosen wrong. He's picked wrong. He's into me for whatever reason, but I'm not his end person because I don't fit in with this family. But there are so many families that you might not fit in with, but he's breaking the cycle of whatever family issues there are. Families are fucking complicated, a la the Beckhams. It's crazy. I do want to say I got a DM of a gorgeous giggler who had—and I'm in the DMs, you know—especially on tour. She rescued three kittens.

Two were white, and one is white and black. And she was like, Hannah, what do I name them? Long brainstorming session. We came up with Sesame for the black and white one, and then Rocota, and coconut.

Okay. Sounds like a horrible recipe that would taste disgusting.

The cute names. Sounds like a chopped recipe. Well, this is the thing. Also, you guys, when you send me your kitten names, I need to know about you. I need to know where you're from, what's your vibe. I I can just give you cute names. I wanted to register. It's like ChatGPT.

You have to give Hannah a little background.

Yeah, because I'll go off. I need to know something that connects with you. Also, in my travels, I did something super fucking embarrassing. This girl stops me at the airport, Giggler, and has the cuteest dog. And as you know, we love dogs if they're cute. If they're cute. It's like men. If they're cute, I like them.

If they make me laugh, fine.

The dog has this scarf around its neck, accessorized, gorgeous. And I go, Oh, my God. It's this woman, a cartoon woman. And I go, Is that Judge Judy? Around his neck? I go, That is iconic. And she goes, No, that's Ruth Bader-Gainsberg. It looked like judge. They're both judges.

Okay, you know what? From the side, that profile- From the side.

In a cartoon way. I just came in so confident where I was like, Fuck, yeah, We love Judge Judy. We love judge Judy. And I was trying to be cool. She's having such a fun interaction with me, and she was like, you dumb ass. She read a book. What feminist icon are you? Read a book. And I was like, love your dog. Got to go.

Love your work, Ruth. If one of your goals for 2026 is to be healthier, then why don't we kick off the new year with AG1? One scoop of AG1 supports energy, digestive regularity, immune defense, and a healthy mood. So you'll be ready to take on whatever your 2026 resolution list is. And if you're a little late on your New Year's resolutions, there's no right time. You can start AG1 whenever you want. Ag1 truly is the next generation of healthy daily drinks. It's clinically shown to support gut health and fill in common nutrient gaps. With 75 plus ingredients, including five probiotic strains, AG1 replaces the need for a multivitamin, probiotic, and more. Through our link, get a free AG1 flavor sampler and AGZ sampler to try all the flavors, plus free vitamin D3 plus K2 and AG1 welcome kit. My episode came out last night of Martha Stewart. She's exactly Exactly. She's exactly what you want her to be and what you think she's going to be.

Was she disappointed in you? Yeah. You didn't do anything, but overall, were you like...

Overall, she was You could tighten it up. You could figure it out. I feel like she was- See, I love that. She was 10 minutes away from being like, I could hang out with you for a week and I'd have your shit all in line.

I don't like people that immediately meet you and they're like, I'm obsessed with you. I love you. I'm like, You don't know me, first of all. Second of all, I know there's room for improvement. Give me notes.

She was this close to looking at me and being like, Why am I here? I felt it. I was like, And I stand with you.

In her documentary, her parents were really critical of her, and she's very critical, but that's why she's so successful in what she does.

Well, I actually was so in awe of her because she's a legitimate entrepreneur powerhouse of a woman. She walks into a room and everyone straightens up. I've never been on an Amazon set where things have run as smoothly as they did the day Martha Stewart I was there. I was like...

You go, Oh, so you guys are capable.

I was like, Guys, whoa. People were running down the hall. I'm like, Whoa, whoa, whoa. They're like, Do you want lunch? I'm like, When do we get lunch all of a sudden? No, I'm I'm like, Are you friset with fritadas. They were like, We have caviar in the break room. I'm like, What? No.

There's Danish scones being prepared Right out of the oven.

I was so nervous to do it. Then what I didn't anticipate, because obviously, in the end of the page, it's like, It's fun. It's chic. I'm not asking hard-hitting questions by any means. But I wasn't anticipating her asking me things back, questions back. So there was this moment where I was- Wait, she loved you.

She loved you. I don't know. That means she loved you. Or she was just interrogating me.

I think she was just like, I'm here to do a job. Let's do the job. Goodbye.

Or she's like, Who am I in bed with right now? No one told me.

So there was this moment where I was asking her about sheets. I was like, How often do you- As one does. How often do you change your sheets? She was like, Well, first of all, I don't change my own sheets, you actual nimrod. She was like, Well, my housekeeper changes them every 2-3 days. I was like, Oh, my God, that's a lot. Then she turns and is like, Well, how often changing your sheets. And I was very confident with my answer. I was like, Why? I do it once a week? And she was... It was as if I had leprosy. I was the most contagious. I was patient zero. She was like, Once a week. Once a week.

This is so good because the way Martha would have hated me.

Wait till you get a load of my best friend.

You go, Wait till I got a make a wish project next. She'll be going through. Wait, once a week is like- I thought It's good. Overboard. It's overboard.

She looks at me and she goes, You're rich enough to have your housekeeper. Because then she was like, I go, My housekeeper comes once every two weeks to do a deep clean.

Also, housekeeper is a strong word. We have apartments.

I have crown molding, Hannah. She goes, You're rich enough to have your housekeeper come once a week. I literally feel like she looked at me and was like, You're dirty. You're dirty. But it was phenomenal. I think that's good.

But you need to every now and then have someone, get you off balance.

She insult me no less than four times, and she was right. Every time I was like, No, you're right.

It's giving gymnastics coach. I'm obsessed with that energy. Also, maybe you're ready to step up. You're not the page in her 20s. Let's Martha Stewart this shit.

One of my biggest revelations, though, I was like, Oh, my God, I can't wait to hear her answer. I was like, When you want to order food and not cook, what are you ordering? She goes, I've never done that. I go, Friday night, you've never ordered a pizza. She goes, Why would I order pizza? And I was so flabbergasted. I couldn't even get through because I couldn't- She's like, Have you read one of my books? She was like, I have an insane garden. If I want a pizza, I'll make a pizza. Anywho, she's my lifeline.

We have to do Hannah and Paige Try to be Martha Stewart.

I'm obsessed with her. The attention she commands when she walks into a room and the level of detail that she's like, No, do it. I'm like, Yeah, I'm obsessed.

Can I also say when I meet an iconic person like that and they are good at listening and they ask me questions, they're always the best people because so many people just talk at you, especially in the entertainment industry. So when you're talking to someone who you know, they don't even need to be there, and they take the time to hear what you're saying. I'm like, Oh, they're smart. They're still learning at whatever age they're at. They want to know what the kids are doing. They want to learn about different industries. So anyway, Martha, shout out to you. We love you.

I wanted to bring up when she said that that woman died, the journalist, but she's not, in fact, dead. She's just dead to Martha. I wanted to bring that up, but I was just like, I don't know if I should. I'm not at that level with you yet, but I think about it at least once a week.

That's the problem with as a comic interviewing really famous people because one wrong question and the PR is like, And you're done. We'll never talk to you again. So it's this thin line.

Do you want to know where I've been bombing recently? Bombing. What? The elevator. And usually, I can do a quick elevator joke to anyone.

Yeah. And then you leave on a high note. You don't have a follow-up. You leave on a high. What's been happening, babe? You need to write some jokes for you.

I don't know. We need to write some jokes for you. We need to write some jokes for you. We need to write some jokes for you.

We need to do a new material. We need to do a writer's room.

Everyone said, Now look, I got into an elevator the other day. Man standing there had a dog, okay? Woman walks in to the elevator. She also has a dog. I'm not even in the combo. Woman says to the man, So cute. He goes, Thank you. I go, She was talking to the dog. They both looked at me. I go, Sorry, this is my floor. I was mortified. I was like, Guys, laugh. That's funny.

Have a little giggle. That's when you go, Tough crowd. Okay, have a good night. I'm here till Wednesday. Get out of there.

I've crossed the line. My apologies.

That was high-brow humor. It was quick. It was a misdirection and a little dad jokey. I thought you were going to say... I thought you were going to say thanks to... Oh, you're talking about the dog. See, that was just bad audience.

Sorry, I was like, I'm doing elevator... Guys, you know?

Anyway. I have such a wide range of personality in elevators. I'm either You're deathly anxious, staring forward, and everyone seems like they're staring too close to you, and you're just like, This is the most awkward thing I've ever done in my life. Or I'm with my friend, so passionate about a conversation. I'm not even aware there's people around. I'm like, Yeah, because Paige gets yeast infections. If she has anxiety, if she's overworking herself, which I've had, too. When you overwork yourself, it comes out through your body and it can be your vulva. Then there's the someone Someone tries to laugh with me, and I'm not really in the mood, but I'm good enough to be like, Okay, we'll have a little back and forth, but let's not make this a daily thing. I haven't brought it up in a long time, but I just feel like the gigglers need to know my I have a recent experience. I have a grandpa story.

We were having such a nice time, and now you're going to cry.

But I did 8 cities in 11 days. I'm tired. And I was in Seattle the last night, and I get to the hotel. And when I tell you I put the TV on, blasting, immediately passed out. Thank God I set an alarm to wake up. I wake up and I have all these missed calls from my husband, Which...

That's terrifying.

I don't know. Is it? Oh, okay. I was like, he was probably like...

You're like, Oh, I guess the ketchup's missing again.

When you have a husband, you're just like, Yeah, he's... Something's going on over there, but it's definitely not important. Also, he's so cute. He is afraid that I will oversleep for a show, which, knock on woods, never happen. So every now and he'll call me, I'm like, What's up? And he's like, Are you getting ready yet?

And I'm like, Okay. I've gotten this work. He's like, Are you on your bronzer step yet?

So I call him. He's like, Are you using primer? I'm like, You know I don't use primer.

Do you not use primer?

I mean, I put moisturizer on.

Got to get the milk grip primer. It's truly the best.

Is that the green one?

Yeah, it's in an iridescenty bottle. It's the best primer I've ever used.

I don't want to go anywhere that my makeup needs to last more than 2 hours. If that's the case, I shouldn't be there.

Hannah, you are oily, and of anyone, you should be using a primer. That's for when you told me. One thing about Giddly Squad? And that's for when Who would you tell me that I would use any trend?

Okay, that video, there was the funniestest comment. Someone goes, Only your worst enemy or your best friend could say this. And that's what Giggly Squad is. Your worst enemy or your literal sister could say this to you. And you also... You got shot, and then you said, But thank you for that wound because I've grown from it. I've been maimed but not killed. Thank you. What? I've been what?

I've been maimed.

Mamed means you're hurt, but you're still alive.

Wait, I'm stealing that. That's exactly how I felt. I've been maimed, but not killed.

Okay, keep going. I call Dez back, and he's like, What have you been And I'm like, Mom is sleeping. Mom is working. Mom is busy. And he's like, Well, I've been at a social gathering, and there's an older man here who says he knew Jerry Berner. And I said, Babe, I have to get ready in 10 minutes for a show. I can't do this. He goes, Please just get on the phone with this guy. And the guy's like, Hello. He goes, I went to school.

The situations you find yourself in are truly remarkable.

He goes, I coach basketball in Brooklyn, and I battled a lot of... I was a social rights activist, and your grandpa was at the top of it, and he changed me as a person, and he's the greatest guy I ever met. I love Jerry so much, and I can't believe I'm talking to his granddaughter.

Now you're fully sobbing.

Sobing, sobbing. A sweet old man telling me how my grandpa was such a great person. Because sometimes I'll tell myself, you're literally making him to be bigger than he is. He was a normal guy. Stop being sad about it. And now I'm like, no, he was literally my everything. And then I'm like, Did you Do you know I'm his favorite? I'm his favorite. And he's like, that's not important. I'm just telling you my experience.

How did Dez even happen upon this convo?

Well, he's with a bunch of old guys, as they do. They find each other. And the guy was just saying, I used to coach basketball in Brooklyn. He's like, Do you know this guy, Jerry Burner?

Oh, my God.

Jerry Burner. It's so crazy. The world can be so small. So mind you, it's 5: 45. I take 20 minutes to do my makeup. When you guys see me walk out on stage, I'd been sleeping about 35 minutes before that. And when I got on stage, that's my prime time. That's the first time you've spoken. 7: 00 PM, I'm ready to fucking go. So 5: 45, I'm sobbing. And not a beautiful one-tier. Kim Kardashian crying. I'm heaving every memory's coming back because I've been suppressing it for a while because everyone told me to stop crying over it, which was valid. But I've been holding it down. I also haven't talked to a psychic recently. I'm like, This is my grandpa talking through this guy to be like, Hannah, I love you and I miss you. And don't forget that I'm that bitch. And maybe he didn't like that I talked about Nana so much on the last pod, and he's like, Okay, remember? Me too. I don't know.

I feel like you can truly ask the universe for signs. I really feel like you could be like, Grandpa, give me a sign. And it has to be so specific and things like that happen.

So I'm sobbing. I'm sweating because I just woke up from a four-hour nap. There's lines on my face. I actually fell asleep with a bun, which you know is a bad idea because then it's all crimped and crazy. The car is picking me up in 20 minutes.

You never put your hair in a bun.

No. Something was going on. Oh, because I put a mask on.

Wait, do you know that I don't think I've ever seen you in a bun?

No.

You only do a ponytail. Even to sleep, you're either hair down. Actually, when you sleep, you're always hair down, which is another crazy- I'll do messy bun if I'm hot, but I'm not committing to it.

I'll take it out real quick.

I've seen you when you're hot. I've never seen a messy bun. Wait, this is crazy. I don't even know how you do your messy bun. I don't know the way your wrist goes. I couldn't recreate it.

You're like, I don't know who you are, and everything's been a lie up until this point.

Now that I'm thinking, I really... You only ever do a ponytail if you're like, how?

I do love a ponytail. It's because, you guys, I love myself so much. One note, don't love the shape of my face. It's like a pretty big...

I love everything about myself except my general personality. How I look?

So when I put it in a bun, I feel like everyone's like, Whoa, there's her head. It's just too much head and face. That's why I don't do a fucking slickback bun. I do a slickback pony. Okay. No. But everyone has their thing.

Do you ever claw clip? You could start claw clipping.

Yeah, except I like to lay down. I like to sit. And claw clips are not good. I know there's something going around, like claw clips for girls. Again, I support women in the arts. Is that a new club? I can't. It's a thing where you can put your head back with the clip. But again, I digress. Also, people don't talk about what best friends do. They say, Oh, when you're having multiple conversations on different apps. People don't talk about when you're having multiple conversations on the same text chain where you're literally both answering multiple things at the same... You know what I mean? Where you answer one story, continue telling story, tell a new topic, and the person's also responding. That's my flow state.

In Men, think we can't run the country. I just had seven conversations in one.

In one. In 10 minutes. And we are knocking it out. So, yeah, that is my primetime flow state.

I do want to say one thing because I feel different. I feel better than people. I feel like... I've been reading my book. And when I say reading- What page are you on? I'm on like, 130.

Have you been reading it the right side up.

I've been reading it while simultaneously comprehending it. Are you highlighting? I'm not highlighting because I'm not crazy.

When are you reading? What part of the day? Okay, I'm going to tell you.

This morning, I woke up early, 6: 45, 7: 00 AM, and I'm like, Okay, I'm not getting out of bed. Typically, I'll go on TikTok, I'll scroll, I'll look at my apps, look at my email. I read for 20 20 minutes in the morning. And then before bed, instead of scrolling TikTok, I'll read, get really sleepy, and then throw something on the TV, and then immediately fall asleep. And I'm like, I have a frontal lobe, and she's there.

Do you know what that's called? Amish.

That's so crazy. You're fully Amish. That's so crazy. You just said that the show I put on last night was called Suddenly Amish. Yeah.

And you're about to get kids on HBO, and it's normal people thinking maybe they want to be Amish, so they go test it out.

We're so aligned.

Wait, that's genius. That's so funny. That's so scary. No, because I was Honestly, Amishness, Amishia, what do they call it? I'm in... Whatever. I'm into it. They're onto something.

Well, they said that their people are...

Besides, I have a couple of notes.

Small, small notes. The younger generations are leaving the Amish community, and so they're really dwindling. And so they're trying- Because do you understand what a discussion would be when you're Amish?

They'll be like, Oh, well, first of all, I don't know if they know celebrities, but they'll be like, How much milk should we put in this recipe? And they're like, Google it. And they're like, We can't. And then you just can't Google things.

I mean, they don't have electricity.

They have to do candles.

I don't even think they have running water.

And they don't even have scented candles. Maybe they do have scented candles.

No, I'm I'm sure they've mixed something up. Lavender.

They mix something.

You know what I would be interested in? Their hair care because they've got such long hair. Tresame should really...

Wait, you're so right. No breakage.

No breakage. No breakage.

And they're going in braids, too. Yeah.

What shampoo and conditioner? Because there's no heat. They're not using any heat. They're not using any heat.

They're not Dyson air wrapping.

They don't even know what that is.

I wonder what they do for face masks at night. They probably use Banana.

Do they even know that face masking is a thing? No, some of them have phones, and I feel like some of them are on TikTok.

There is one Amish girl that I always get tagged with because people say we look alike. So honestly, we do. It's pretty iconic.

For the longest. I mean, probably till I was in high school. I thought Amish and Roman, same thing.

And I mean, it's like- I mean, there's a Venn diagram.

Yeah, there definitely is.

There's a Venn diagram. They would like each other more than they would like us, I would Anyway, we're not getting into it.

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I I feel like this is the part of the episode where we always talk... People say we're not organized, but we're actually super organized. It's just organized chaos. This is when I bring up my one inappropriate poop fart story.

Something that you did in public that should be illegal.

Yeah, let's- Not to brag, but I found the one place I don't fart.

This seems like a riddle. The one... Can you identify the one place that Hannah Berner doesn't fart?

Like that I'm like, this is actually inappropriate, and I'm going to hold it in.

You're going to hold it in. Okay.

Not sex. Church?

But I'm like, you haven't gone to church. That would require going. The doctor's office?

No, you'd let it Definitely. It's fucking... I'm like, Is that normal? Is that normal?

Wait, I need to think. Wait, I really... On a plane. No, you're- Wait.

No. Because a plane, you could get away with it so easy. Sorry, that was crazy. Wait, this is actually so U-coded. Okay, I'm going to give you a clue. Okay. The Kardashian's talk about it. It's something you love to do.

The Kardashian's talk about it. It's something I love to do.

I hate it, and you're like... Glam. I would do it all the time.

Glam. In the glam chair.

Now, I'm going to explain you guys what a glam chair is. You sit down in a bunch of chairs. You know what a goddamn chair is? No, but you sit down and a lot of strangers surround you. It's a makeup artist. They are on you. There's no space. And you're sitting. And if you even move a little bit, it could throw them. You have to sit still. The makeup chair is the one place where I will hold my fart until the They leave. And then my body is in turmoil. Because if it comes out wrong, everyone's going down at the ship. It's mean. They're trying to do their job. You can't blame it on one of them. It's a form of waterboarding, honestly.

With air.

They don't want to be there. No, but if I were to fart and it smelled or they heard it, I have to sit with them for another Another hour in my own embarrassment.

Remember the girl that was selling her farts?

Do you remember? Yeah.

What a time to be alive.

I feel like she also was lying a little bit. Also, do you know where I'll fart? This is so fucked up, and people might never look at me the same again.

We're passing.

I'll fart in an elevator. I'll fart in an elevator. I don't care. Because I believe karma. Karma works in mysterious ways, and there's some people... You ever walk to an elevator and smells like, Shit, you deserved it. You deserved it. That's just me passing it on.

Wait, speaking of glam, I'm actually having a real serious This crisis.

Oh, no.

So I had to do something for a hair brand the other day, and I don't dye my hair. So they were like, Oh, she has a couple of grays. And Mitchell was like, No problem. I'll throw a little glaze on. The glaze was the wrong color. Okay? So wait till you see me in person tomorrow. It's not even doing it justice on here because we're virtual. The top layer, Hannah, of my hair I've been washing my hair multiple times a night with baking soda, trying to get it to... I think you think I'm exact.

That's so Amish of you.

I have black hair. I have black hair on the top and then the-Wait, why couldn't he just put some powder on top of it? Because they were long. He was like, Oh, yeah, I'll just throw. And so I texted him and I was like, Hey, we need to fix my glaze. I'm freaking... I look insane. And no shade to anyone who dyes their hair black. But if you dye your hair black, what is your actual problem?

It's giving the Adam's family, I guess.

You know what I thought? I was like, I felt in the mirror, I was like, I look old. I felt like it aged me. Now I'm like, Oh, now I understand why older women do tend to go lighter in their hair color.

I thought you were going to say blue. They're like, Give me a light purple. Let's go.

Because I'm like, I look so harsh, and I love my color brown. That's why I literally don't dye it.

It is crazy how a guy could never tell the slight hue of change that is on your hair.

I've tried to show what I mean 8,000 times. I'm like, No, open your eyes and look at this.

You got You're having a full mental breakdown.

I think it looks good. That's your hair. I go, it's not my hair, actually. This is not my color hair.

Well, you know what this is? This is karma because our second season of Reality TV, I started sprouting grays, and Paige took it upon herself to mama monkey me and at the pool, sit on top of me and yank out with a tweezer every single gray hair, which is apparently rule number one with grays. Don't do that. And I knew that in my heart of hearts, I was definitely not supposed to do that. But my best friend was having so much fun in that moment. I love her.

I love grooming other people. I love grooming other people. You were picking out the light. That's why I've dated so many male projects because I'm like, Oh, give me 15 minutes with you and I'll just...

Yeah. If I just pop a couple pimples, it's go time. I also discovered something I've never done before, and I don't know how I'm 34, and I haven't done this before, but you know that if you're in a rush and you're really greasy, because you haven't washed your hair in a bit, that you could just wash the front of your hair? Yeah.

Well, I have banks, so I've done that before. But just like the crown- I think it's called a hooker shower. What's it called?

Yeah, a hooker shower. No, that's- So don't tell me that. It could be making that up.

No, a hooker shower is when you- Just do your arm pits? I thought it was like you just shave- You go, I know this.

I did this in my 20s.

Yeah, I thought it was like you just Shave your vagina and then use perfume.

Oh, that makes sense, too. But yeah, you put your hair in a bun, but then you take out the front like you're about to do a slick back, and then you just do full shampoo, conditioner. And it was incredible because, yeah, life has changed for me. I think I could beat the patriarchy now.

Oh, God. This is actually something that my friend Stephanie was like, I can't believe you've never said this on the podcast because she was shocked when I said this to her. She was like, I think you're duping everyone. She had said something, and I was like, Oh, I have to shave my vagina. And she was like, Why would you have to shave your vagina? And I'm like, What do you mean? I don't want to have a Bush. And she was like, Why don't you have your vagina lazered? You've lazered everything else ever. I would like to say, I've never once had a Brazilian wax. I've never had my vagina lazered. I think everyone thinks that that's so not page-coded.

Well, why did you stop there? At that point, they're already doing it. No.

She said the same thing. She was like, But you've gotten your bikini line lazered. I'm like, Yeah, and I've had it waxed before. She was like, So why did you stop there? I said, I don't know. She was like, You go to the gynecologist, you spread wide open. What is the difference between getting it lazered? It's something in me that- You're shy? I'm like, I'm sorry. I can't get on all fours and have this woman look inside my vagina in my asshole.

Inside your soul.

There's just something about it where I'm like, I don't want to.

You don't have your butt hole laser?

No.

This is all I laser. I only laser my butt hole. They come in and I'm like, just keep going.

I truly, I'm not kidding. I shave my vagina, not every day, because that would be insane. But every time I know I'm having zacks, I shave my vagina.

People do use a trimmer, which- No, I'm bald. I feel like we didn't do back in the day. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get so aggressive.

I love how if people... We start really light, and then if you make it to the end of the episode, you're like, Yeah, I don't have hair in my labia.

She She just shook.

She literally did hang up. Do you know what people don't talk about? I have hair inside my labia. Majora. Not Manora. Google it. When they laser, they have to They open it up. Open it up. Yeah, they open it up and they're turning the pages. They ring their doorbell. At some point, I'm like, No one's even going to see this. My husband's never even seen this area that you're in in my vagina right now. But it's sensitive. It's sensitive.

No, I'm just like, I guess... Do you want to know probably what it was? Aren't Bush's back? I don't know. But the first time I ever shaved my vagina, I I didn't want to tell my mom I shaved my vagina. I don't know why.

Yeah, because it means you're becoming a woman, and it's weird. Yeah.

So just ever since then, I've just kept it to myself.

Oh, my God. You never talk to anyone about it. You're like, Let's wait to talk to all the gigglers. That'll be more comfortable for me.

But now I'm like, I guess I should just go get it lazered, but it's such a commitment. But you don't have to worry about the sun if it's just your vagina, which is the upside.

Yeah, we are in an industry full of a lot of gays and girls, and we do a lot of trying on clothes and fashion and stuff.

No, and like, hip hop. I know they're not going to run around and be like, I know what Paige's vagina looks like, but it's just such an intimate moment.

No, you're so right. But do you feel like with other stuff, not your vagina, but because we do so much fashion stuff, we are so easy to take our shirts off with strangers? Hannah. Which is not normal, by the Actually, I think I offended someone the other day.

I was on... No, I'm not getting it. I was on set.

I'm getting reported.

Actually, if there was HR- You're on a list.

No, I'm on some type of list.

I was on a set, and they were like, Hey, we're going to have to mic you up. And I had a dress on that had a slit. And so I hiked the slit up because they were like, We have to put a thigh strap on. So I hiked the slit up, and the guy was like, Oh. And I I'm from reality TV. I don't give a shit.

It's the thing. We are desensitized. It shouldn't be like that. But we used to change our clothes with cameras around. You don't know who's watching, but you're just at the point where you're like, whatever. I don't give a fuck. I'm so tired. I'm not going to go into the other room to take my shirt off.

You were on a sports team of all women. I went to an all girls high school. We were getting undressed.

Yeah. I recently was in a place, though, where I was wearing a bra and they wanted to steam my shirt because I don't show up anywhere professionally. And there was five women there. But obviously, I just met them when I walked in and they were like, We can all leave. And I'm like, No one's leaving. I'm wearing a sports bra. No. But then I realized maybe they feel uncomfortable.

The other day, I got a massage and she came to my apartment, and she's talking to me, and she's like, Okay, and then we'll do this and this. And I just started taking my pants off. And she goes, Okay, I'll step in the bathroom and give you a minute. I go, It's fine. Let's just get in there. I'm like, These are my tits, and here we go.

But then part of it is, have we just become confident where it's like, This is our body. We're not sexualizing it all the time.

I guess I feel like when it's a girl and I'm in that type of situation, I'm like, okay, whatever. You have a vagina, I have a vagina. When it's at a work thing, I feel like this is going to get faster. I'm not embarrassed if you see my underwear. You know I have underwear. You know I have a vagina.

We have a weird fucking job. Most people's jobs aren't like, Can you just walk around in your underwear for 10 minutes while we figure out what you're going to wear? Can you talk to people that you've just met five seconds I go. Our comfortability factor, if you walk in a room, there's people working on a project you've never met, and you're just like, tits out. It's wild. But I'm proud of us.

I'm proud of us, too. We don't have body dysmorphia, so that's good.

That's what We're like, How do you talk for an hour about nothing? I'm like, It's easy compared to just showing your tits to strangers all the time. My mom's going to call me after this and be like, Hey, what do you do for a living, actually?

My mom's going to call me and be like, Hair should be on your vagina because it stops bacteria from getting in there. Maybe that's why you're getting so many UTIs because you don't have any hair on your vagina. She said it to me before.

It's like, Eyelashes.

It's like, Eyelashes and nose hair, she said. She was like, There's supposed to be hair. I'm like, Okay, well, I'm from the '90s, so I can't.

Anywho. Well, gigglers, we love you so, so much. Much. And thank you for giggling with us.

And thank God for my Duncan refresher because I don't think I would have gotten to the vagina story without it.

Wait, are you drinking a mango pineapple?

I am, and we never get the same thing.

I know. Look at us. It's twinsies. It's so good.

We did that without even knowing.

Sympatico.