Transcript of Giggling about jet lag, dolphins, and laxatives

Sup, Gigglers? Gary, fix the Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me.

Hello, my guava Gigglers. I'm currently in Singapore.

And I'm currently smack dab in the middle of my Sunday night routine. And I don't mean to be a walking Daphne ad, but my Daphne robe and Daphne hair thing, like, I created it for myself. I honestly don't care if anyone buys it. This is for my own Sunday routine.

So envious of you having a routine because I, I didn't know jet lag could hit this hard.

Yeah, you were really—

no, I'm a—

it took you out.

I'm a fool. I'm A cocky delusional asshole because I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna fly 22 hours and I'll be fucking fine.

You were like, jet lag is for actual losers.

It's mental.

Yeah.

Well, first of all, I did love the flight, by the way. We get there, slept 8 hours immediately because we— it was like a midnight flight. Land, then like fuck around for 5 hours. I watched every episode of Love Is Blind.

Boston?

Boston, dude. I'm, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed.

I actually really like one of the guys.

Can I guess which one you like? Like, as a person, like, he's a good guy?

Yes.

Cam?

Yes.

Yeah, this sweet, sweet Cam.

And, and then there's one that people think is a good guy, but they

Oh, I forgot her handle. This girl was like, Love Is Blind Boston is just men beard fishing everyone. And she took all the beards off the guys and it was truly abrasive, scary. Like, someone needs to get reported. Some are hiding no chin, some are hiding too much chin. There's a lot going on.

One girl was like, I love my career. And he— and the guy was like, uh, first to your children or second to your children? Like, your unborn children? Like, what would you do? I'm like, oh my God.

Right after she had said to him, like, what are you passionate about? And he was like, my career. Then he said to her, what are you passionate about? And she's like, my career. And he's like, do you even love babies? Have you ever loved a baby?

He was like, red flag, serious red flag.

But him and her, Michaela, the Italian one who I followed on Instagram, the one who did that whole speech about the, um, oven cig, and she's like, Christmas night, I just want to be smoking an oven cig and our daughter brings him a date, and I'm like, fuck, fuck, she got a date. Like,

I thought her scenarios— I'm like, this is my kind of girl. I also love making up the most outlandish scenarios in 10 years from now. I, her— I love her imagination.

She's amazing. My thing with the show is I'm all for it until they're like, and now you have to propose, because I'm like, guys,

Did you get to the part where the guy with the glasses who is a murderer

was

fighting on the phone?

Oh, we've all been there. We've all dated that guy that some minor inconvenience happens and he's burning down the apartment and you're like, I'm gonna take a walk around the block.

I actually got really triggered when he was like, but we have good conversation, we have a really good relationship, don't we tell everyone we have a really good relationship? I was like, oh my God, Scary.

She didn't even bring up him yelling at customer service. She brought up a whole nother scenario that we missed because they lost the luggage, and he was like, I wasn't yelling. And I'm like, that's what men say when they were assholes, but they want to be like, but I didn't yell. And I'm like, you were strongly yelling.

You had a strongly worded sentence. He's probably the scariest guy they have on there.

And for all the girls who were judging her for staying with him even though he doesn't believe in anything she believes in and is like insane, um, she just wanted love.

People will hate her harder for staying than him being a psycho.

I also think though, like, Boston people are so inherently funny because they're smart, they're quick, and they're just like Irish-Italian immigrants. with the funniest families.

Yeah, no, it's a great season.

And then Aneha, who's like, when my parents find out you're white, they're never gonna speak to me again. And he's like, why was this not brought up? But I guess people were saying she didn't think he was white in the pod.

She's also hilarious without trying to be.

Well, she does baby voice in the most condescending way, which I respect.

She's like, and now we don't have any more family, so Are you staying? He's like, wait, this is a really big problem. She's like, is it?

I don't know. Also, if I'm 35 and I like just— I have such a shorter attention span when it comes to like love and believing in love. But the second I see them have a stupid fight, I'm like, that's not your person. Where like in my 20s, I'm like, they're working it out. Now I'm like, I saw one fight, I'm like, that's not your person.

Well, if you're a man and you're over the age of 35 and you're still like I, I don't know, worried about something that happened to you in high school. I'm like, shut up, like, get over it, you know?

It's because we've seen so much smoke my, my oven cig. But like, this— some of the back and forth, I'm also like, it's totally okay to fight, but it's like how these people are fighting. The truth is, is a lot of people, when you get down to like the 2 people you have chemistry with in the pod, it really is a 50/50 chance. Like, there isn't one answer. And I can't wait for the people to come back to see who— Oh, I can't wait.

The next string of episodes is gonna be amazing.

Torture. It's crazy. So anyway, I watched that.

What was like the food on the flight?

Oh, okay. So—

Because you're on there a full day, like what— how, how, how often are they feeding you? Because you need to be fed every 2 hours.

when I got on the flight in America, it's midnight but they're serving breakfast because they're doing Dubai time because it was Emirates.

Okay,

so I was like, look, I'm down for breakfast at any time.

You're like, who am I to fight with an omelet? Yeah, bring it here.

So I got the pancakes because like,

yeah,

I'm on vacation and I'm partying. I party with food. I'm not partying with dancing. I'm not partying with drinking. I'm partying with food.

Speaking of, I'm actually gonna order a taco. I actually already have it set up in my cart. I just need to press go.

I love how you're doing a taco, a side of a taco. Um, so I got the pancakes, passed out. Then when we landed, what— it's all kind of a blur, but we get to Dubai, and that was kind of iconic because I've never been to the Middle East, and I mean, we just were in the lounge for like 3 hours, but they had Dubai chocolate. It was pretty authentic.

Yeah.

I mean, it's just chocolate there. No, I'm just kidding. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh God. Also, one thing about that men don't like to do, like when I was in the airport, I was like, I want to walk through all the gift shops and like all the random shops. Like I just want to browse. And Des was like, why? And I'm like, I don't know, that's just a hobby. Like, obviously I want to look at every little trinket and every little snack that I've never seen before.

Also, you were just sitting for a full day. You probably needed to like stretch your legs.

I needed stimulation. Exactly. Also, I didn't even try to do the time change. I just was like, I've lost all my family and friends.

I'm just— You're like, I'm a time traveler and like, I can't—

I want to be like Paige. This is Hannah from the future. That's how I felt. I said, Paige, this is Hannah from tomorrow. It's gonna be okay.

Okay, well, I, I truly felt like you went to space because I was like, down here on Earth, so much is happening. I'm like, I have so many things I need to laugh with you about. I need you to respond immediately.

I didn't have internet for the 17-hour flight to Dubai. So then we land and Des is like, have you seen this? And I was like—

I sent so many screenshots. I'm actually— I inundated you with screenshots. I go, and then this person said this, and then they responded back. It was insane.

So I texted you and I was like, give me the tea. Then you text me all the good stuff, and then I get on the next flight to go to, um, Singapore, which is 8 hours. So then I look at my phone and you're like, are you alive? And I'm like, sorry, I asked you for the best tea of my life, and then I

Died.

Died. So we land. At this point, like, you don't even know, is it morning, is it night, whatever.

Yeah,

but it was 2 PM and Des was like, we cannot go to sleep, we just have to keep going. So we walked around. I tricked him into going to a cat cafe because I was like, I have to meet Singaporean cats, like, see if they— I've never met a cat from Singapore before. I don't know what language they speak, primarily English, but they do speak Mandarin here too.

So picture you walking in, hi, Hannah, America. Hi, United States, Hannah.

I also fully tricked him because sometimes, you know, when one, one of the people get control of like the Google Maps?

Yeah.

And you're like, I'm directing us. He's like, where are you taking me? I'm like, somewhere fun. Of course we get there and you have to walk up like 8 flights of stairs, and I'm like, oh no, we're— this, this is how it ends, the first day in Singapore. And it was the cutest cat cafe. Um, but I reserved dinner, right? And I was like, I want when we land to go to like a really nice restaurant. So I found like a Michelin star tasting menu. So we get there at like 6 PM, and the second we sit down, we realize—

Michelin star, that's like 8 hours, isn't it?

Paige?

Yeah.

We sat down. By the way, the ambiance was peaceful. It was dark.

Oh, you're getting sleepy.

There was— it was almost like mandolin spa music. So I look up.

They put magnesium like in the air.

They speak like this whenever they come by. Hello, can we help you with anything? Would you like some water or tea? When I tell you

they

ASMR you. So I see there's like 9

courses.

Courses.

Oh my God.

But I'm like, sometimes they kind of just— it's, it's, it's fast, you know? It's fast food. It's, you know, they're like, let's, let's keep it going.

They're rolling it up, they're shoving it out. It's, it's quick. Yeah.

So they start with like a bread that's not on the menu. So I'm like, okay, I guess it's 10. And because I'm like, which one is this? And they're like, this is off menu. And I was like, oh no,

perfect.

So I like don't finish my bread because I'm like, I have a whole year ahead of me, I can't use this bread. I

want to fill up on bread.

Yeah, exactly. But they start taking everyone else's bread away and they like don't take our table. And then Dez realizes like they're mad that I didn't finish my bread. And then so we get behind, like everyone else is like, they got the first course, the second course. We're sitting there with the bread. Finally a guy comes up to me, he goes, is there something wrong with the bread, ma'am? And I was like, oh my, no, I love bread. I just, we just landed and I, I'm a little backed up. At least I don't wanna clog myself with the bread. And he's like, oh, okay.

You're like, listen, the American gut microbiome, it's not great. If I shove all this bread down, I'll pass out. I'll go right to sleep at this table.

Doesn't I look— banter is our best thing. Like, talking to each other is where we thrive.

Yeah, this

is the first time ever in our relationship, mid-sentence—

You're speechless.

No, mid-sentence, he fell asleep on me.

At the restaurant?

Like, I was like trying to get him going with something, and I saw Him lose life in his eyes and then close.

Oh my God, did you think that he had a stroke?

Actually, with Dez, every now and then when he sleeps too late, I'm like, I need to check his heartbeat. I'm so scared right now. If he sleeps past 8 AM, I'm like, call the police.

Something's wrong.

So I told him, I said, look, because I was facing the restaurant, he was facing me, I was like, you can sleep in between courses, I'll wake you up when they come. Because mind you, we're 2 hours in at this point and we're only halfway through the menu.

Why didn't you just get up and leave?

Because it took me 3 weeks to get this reservation.

Oh my God.

And it's spectacular. Like, it is a spectacular meal, but we are—

You're losing light.

Like I was underwater.

You felt like you were getting tortured.

It was horrible. Yeah.

No, sleep deprivation is torture. It

was a torture chamber. of incredible flavors. Like, I was like, oh, the acidity of that mushroom was spectacular, but I'm dying.

You're like, that did just explode in my mouth, but I am going to pass away. I'm getting dizzy.

It was 4 hours.

You know, whenever something like that happens to me, I just immediately start crying because I think I'm gonna die. I'm like, no one in the history of life has ever stayed awake this long. I'm gonna die.

Also, when I landed, I like, I had the worst bloat of my life.

Yeah, I can't imagine.

So I'm like beyond bloated.

Did you bring your compression socks?

Yes, I wore my compression socks, but like, I feel like your body's not prepared for this. So I'm bloated, I'm stuffing like the most random different incredible impeccable flavors in my mouth, um, and we're getting there, you know, they come and they give the story of like how the fish was killed. They were like, this fish was killed innocently from the back of the head, didn't even see it coming. It was with its family, it was happy before it all went awry. There was no blood.

They're British in Singapore?

Actually, everyone speaks English in Singapore.

Really?

Yeah, because it's like a combination of like Malaysian, Chinese, Singaporean. Anyway, regardless, we survived the dinner.

How many hours?

It was a 4-hour dinner.

And you texted me into hour what and were like, I'm not gonna make it. And you were like, I'm going down, you've got 10 minutes to respond. I was like, oh my God, I'm not prepared. I'm like, there's so much I want to say.

We have to record in the morning. But then I had a whole next day, so we woke up And I'm eating everything. We had this buffet and I'm like, I'm trying everything. So I'm eating curry for breakfast, I'm eating noodles for breakfast, I'm eating blue jasmine rice. I, I, I ate everything. They're known for this like chicken rice dish. We go to some like small market, we get it, we're shopping.

Like on the street, I heard like they're street food is

insane. Yeah, it's like there's like Michelin star street vendors. So I'm living my best fucking life eating everything, but then I start getting, um— I hate to be predictable on this pod. Yeah,

your stomach starts to feel a little funky.

I don't have trouble going to the bathroom. That's never been my problem ever in my life. People warned me that this is a thing that can happen, especially when you're layering The most insane flavors that you've ever had in your life.

So I

was like, Des, I haven't gone to the bathroom since like the day before we left.

So you're 3 days— you're 3— you're 4. Okay.

And we're getting ready to go to dinner and I'm like, I can't button my pants. And then I like can't wear a dress because— and then I was like, wait, do I just pretend I'm pregnant? Like, it was at the point where I'm like, do I just go out and like put my little left hand on your stomach, under my stomach, and say it's a boy? So Des is like dying laughing, but like, it's painful. Like, it's hard.

Yeah.

And I'm like, no position is right. And I go, we have to go to the pharmacy. Let me just say, right before I texted you I threw a laxative into my mouth.

Mm-hmm.

Texted Paige, see you in the morning, and I passed out.

Oh, interesting.

Have you ever taken a laxative before?

I have, but not before bed.

So I took Dulcolax.

Mm-hmm.

And it says take it before bed. In 5 or 6 hours, some motion will happen in the ocean.

Okay.

Exactly 5 hours on the dot. I felt like I was giving birth to Satan. Paige, I was getting the worst cramps of my life.

Yeah, I can't imagine.

It's a pain level that I've never had before because this is layers of Michelin star meals. Yeah, and non-Michelin star meals that are going through me.

I should have told you to get some Lemmy Debloat.

I should have been taking it beforehand.

On the plane. Yeah.

It like contracts your organs and it like wasn't work— long story short, I start having a panic attack on the toilet in Singapore in the hotel room.

What time of day is it? It's like the middle of the night?

And that's the question we all want answered. It was 1 AM my time, 1 PM your time. So you're like going on your mental health walk or whatever you do around 1. I start like— my hands started to go numb. 'Cause I'm like freaking out that like I'm—

What are you nervous about?

That like, I don't know, my insides are trying to be on my outsides, but they're not coming out. Like my insides are like contorted, like the pain.

It is so you to have a panic attack on the toilet because like it's not going the way you expect it. Like,

I know, I'm like, this happens to Paige when she has to perform in front of 4,000 girls. This is happening with me when I just don't like the flow of Yeah, but nothing was releasing. Like, I was just being tortured. I felt like someone was squeezing my insides. And then I decide, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna faint on the toilet. Which is like—

You decided it. You were like, you know what, let's take ourselves out of this. Let's just pass out and not deal with this. It's really triggering. It's super traumatic. I'd rather not be here.

This is such a niche experience, but when you're going through it, there's nothing that feels better than lying down with your pants off on the cold bathroom floor?

No, nothing. Nothing. That was me in Italy. I was like, this is the best I've ever felt in my life.

So then I'm laughing because I'm like, the poor gigglers, like, they just want us to go on one trip. Yeah, just one trip that doesn't involve like gastrointestinal drama.

Every time I go on a trip and I wonder how people backpack across the world, I'm like, Surely you're having a bathroom experience every couple of days because like there's no way my body's just too sensitive.

I am my father's daughter, which is like no matter how much my stomach's hurting, I'm not not eating.

Yeah, see, that's where we're different. I can't even like look at food when I have a stomachache.

I feel like it's not respectful to their culture To not try every single thing at the buffet.

No, because in some, like, other countries, it's better to not even go to dinner than to go and insult them.

And not eat.

And get insulted! Where in America, they're like, throw it on the ground, I don't give a fuck. You know, it's really— it's awful. But other countries, they're like, no, this is sustenance, this is nutrients. And we're like, I don't care, it's— we made it in a lab. And

they're like, this was made with love, this isn't fucking America. So I'm lying on the cold bathroom floor fully having a panic attack.

Where's Dez?

So he's in the bedroom, and at that moment I'm like, what if my husband comes in like right now? Just me lying with a big shirt, no pants on, like a toddler, just belly up.

Belly up?

Because it's still— I'm literally, you know when you see a toddler who has like a fat belly and no pants on? That was literally me because I'm Like

they're not fat, but you're like, why is their stomach so round?

Why does that 2-year-old have a beer belly?

Yeah, why is that? Maybe it's like their organs are developing or something.

I don't know, but it's so cute. But it wasn't cute on me. Finally, my husband— I get back on the toilet and he knocks like, hey, are you okay in there? And I'm like,

yeah,

not really. And then I'm like, but go back to sleep. And he's like, I can't go back to sleep after you telling me that you're like having a panic attack.

Leave yourself, look away.

This is marriage though. Like, I feel like if we were first dating, I'd be like, help me, like,

yeah,

like, hold my hand. Now I'm like, let me deal with this. Like, I don't need to deal with you also.

No, literally, there's nothing better than when you're comfortable enough to be like, I'm dealing with a lot and adding you to this list, I'll kill you. Like, I'll literally kill you.

Then at one point I'm like, do I go to the Singaporean Hospital for the bit. One thing about me though, I'm not going to hospital. No, that could be how I go, but like some people are very easy to be like, just call 911 and let's— I'm not doing paperwork. I'm

not in another country. I'd rather book a flight home. And

I thought about it. I was like, would the gigglers be disappointed if I flew 22 hours to Singapore? Got too constipated.

Yeah.

Poisoned myself with a laxative and said, get me back on the plane.

No, I was this close in Italy to being like, I'm going home. Like, if they said to me I had to go to the hospital, I was like, I'm going home. I'm not doing this.

And I had a full day. I walked 10,000 steps. I saw all of Singapore. I had all the local, you know, food.

You walked 10,000 steps and it didn't churn anything in there?

Paige. Something sick, something evil was happening inside me, like demonic. I really started walking like a pregnant woman, you know, when your feet start going out and you're like flopping. My algorithm is so crazy, I started getting TikToks for stretchy jeans for pregnant women. Like, how is the algorithm so good. But I knew I was okay cuz I was like farting. They say like if you can't fart, like that's, that's a bad

sign.

But the farts—

Oh, you like legitimately thought that something gastrointestinal was happening?

Yeah, I was like—

Like you had a blockage?

Yeah, so they were like, as long as you're not— as you can fart, there's like something flowing. But then the farts like weren't Smelly. It was more like gasping of air. It was

like, uh, you should have done that thing that they do to babies when they do like a bicycle with their legs and then like push down.

So with laxatives, there's 2 options. You could take a suppository.

Yeah, and

you just put it up your ass, and within 15 to 30 minutes, you just like explode. It's like a cartoon's TNT.

You were using your second hole. You were embracing your second hole in Singapore. You're very crazy over there.

I do my thing and then I'm just afraid it's gonna come back in waves like throughout the night because I'm like, I already haven't slept. This is— I actually— it was one of the darker moments in my life.

Yeah,

I'm almost around the corner with my mastoid massacre and now this is happening. But I actually had quite a peaceful sleep.

Good.

I'm still backed up, but I went to breakfast.

Of course.

I had, I had some muesli. I asked for a coconut. They brought me a young coconut.

What the hell is a young coconut?

I don't know. I was like, do you guys have coconut water? I'm a little dehydrated. I had a little crazy night last night. And they were like, here's a young coconut.

I love that.

And

when do you come home? How long are you there for?

Well, this is the thing.

You don't know what day or time.

Des has a show tonight, apparently, he says. And then we get on a flight for Vietnam,

right?

And we stay there for 2 days, then we get on a flight for Hong Kong. So like—

Oh no, so you're like going back up in the air and like—

I'm so scared.

Wait, you need to take like some debloat before, like when you get on the plane, just like regular like

Do you know what it reminded me of? Do you remember like Kylie Jenner promoting like, what was it, tummy tea or something?

Yeah, you like would kill for a tummy tea. Yeah, that's really just like mint, like, and like mint tea is basically that.

I thought it was like lax. Like girls were out here just like shitting themselves being like, tummy tea, look how small my waist looks after I've shat myself and have— and I'm so dehydrated from diarrhea.

I don't think there's laxatives in the tea, but maybe.

So you never did a tummy tea back in the day?

I never did a tummy tea, but I've done like a detox tea, like after you get a lymphatic, where it's just basically like—

You love saying lymphatic.

Lemon, ginger. Yeah, I'm in a spa, like I'm spying right now. I had an eventful weekend as well.

Well, you were living your like college football dreams?

Well, Joe says, do you want to go to the game on Saturday? And I don't know why in my head I was like, yeah, I'll go to the basketball game. And he goes, no, football game. And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why, because someone was talking about the Knicks the day before, and so I just like was like, oh yeah, basketball started.

Isn't it so funny? There's games everywhere you go. Like, you can't get away from the game.

I can't get away from sports. And so then I'm like, oh, okay. Perfect. Miami colors are orange and turquoise, and I have this vintage turquoise dress that I've been like— I haven't worn in years. It's perfect for the game. Joe goes, the game is Saturday morning. And I'm like, oh, like the NFL plays on Saturday mornings? And he's like, this is college. So now I'm like, okay, not only have I messed it up once, I've now messed it up twice. I have no outfit.

Wait, because you can't wear turquoise vintage dress for the morning college game.

No, because their colors are not turquoise.

Oh.

Their colors are dark green and orange.

Oh, orange. So I'm like, okay.

So I put on these like orange cute little shorts. Love my outfit. I crimp my hair because she's different in Miami. My second hole is popping off. My hair is crimped.

College throwback.

Yeah, I'm like, it's going to college. I'm crimping my hair. So I get there, I immediately have a hot dog. I post the cheerleaders because I'm like, not only do they have a cheerleading team and a dance team, I'm sat. I'm sitting there and I hear someone say Paige. And so like, I look over, Bethenny Frankel.

Why was she at the Miami football college game?

Okay, but she said hi to me almost as if like, how dare I not tell her I was gonna be there? But we've never met before, but I got nervous.

You were like, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you I was coming.

I literally— she was like, what are you doing here? And I was like, I, I actually— I was last minute. I didn't know. I thought I was like—

I'm not avoiding you. I swear I'm not avoiding you.

So whatever, she sat next to me the whole time. We chatted.

Oh my

God, her daughter is so cute and nice. And then, um, someone comes up to me and was like, the cheerleading team would love to meet you. And I was like I would love to meet the cheerleading team.

You're like, I've been staring at them the whole time.

I go, that's the only thing I've been watching. I go down, I meet the girls, and then this guy walks over to me and he's like, do you want to go? Do you want to be on the Jumbotron? And I'm like, I've never been on a Jumbotron. And so I got nervous because I was like, wait, what do people actually do on a Jumbotron at a game? I didn't have a drink in my hand, so I couldn't like chug it and be fun. I look at Joe and I'm like, what do I do? And he goes, just be yourself.

He's the stage mom.

He goes, I don't know, you're a natural. Just like do whatever comes to your head. And so the camera guy was like, you can throw up like the cymbal. And so I made it into a dance routine and I just like, that's what I did.

Did he know how long your fingers were though?

No, he didn't. He goes, it's gonna be on you for 5 seconds. In my head I was like, thank God I didn't wear the turquoise dress. I would've been a laughingstock.

Well, I just think it's so funny with sports because you're like, yeah, I'm going to the college sports game. Then I go on Instagram, you're on the Jumbotron, you're dancing with the cheerleaders. I'm like, she played in the game, she's the quarterback. You're one of those people, like, even if you want to be in the background, like, you stay quiet, you don't say anything, you don't do anything, people still throw you to the front.

Every time I go to a professional sporting event, something happens to me that I'm like, I didn't intend on this. Like, I did not plan for this. I'm really like, why? Leave me alone.

Sports really embraces you.

Yeah, it really embraces me.

Could you imagine yourself like in college every Saturday having like a football game day?

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go back for the homecoming because the girls were like, do you want to come to homecoming? I was like, yeah, I mean, I freaking love a homecoming. Are you going to a dance after? Like, I'm coming. I'm sitting at the game and I say to Joe, I'm like, it's so crazy that these are kids out there. These are kids. And he's like, he's like, these are grown men that are like 6'5. And so we're down on the field and he's like, do they still look like kids to you? Because like they're huge. And I go, they can't even legally drink yet. Yeah, that's a baby. That's a child that I could have birthed.

They are, they're like Barely forming sentences. They're scared. They're calling their mom.

In my head, I'm like, if I was a teen mom, these would be my children.

I watch NFL games like they're my children because they're on my fantasy league. So I'm like,

right,

don't you touch my son. Don't you hurt him.

Because we're in our 30s. If you're younger than 30, I'm like, that's a baby. That's a little sweet girl.

I'm 35. If I were to meet a 34-year-old man, I'd say, sweet baby, how can I help you in this life? What do you need to learn?

I'm like, you don't know anything.

Oh my God.

Wait, you want to know what I did today that was like so me and so self-care?

Yeah.

I charged all my things. Anything that needs a charge, I charged it. I charged every pair of headphones in my home.

We had such different days.

I charged a mirror. I said, I didn't even know you needed to be charged. I thought you ran on batteries. I charged that mirror, I charged my phone, I charged my iPad, I charged— I charged this computer that I'm on. Everything got charged and it brought me such joy. I can't express to you. I felt— you want to feel accomplished and you're tired? Charge something.

Well, that's my problem with vibrators. I've— they're never charged at the right time. You feel like a freak to be like— you feel like on a Tuesday to be like, let's charge my vibrators.

Or you're like, I'm not charging it out in the open like this? I have to put it in the bathroom somewhere. What am I, just like a sex offender?

When are people charging it? When are people charging it? Because you're not doing it before because the moment's over, babe. You're not doing it after because you're like, don't know what's happening after.

All vibrators should be on batteries because that's just like, I'm not putting my USB-C in my vibrator the same as my computer that I'm on for work. Like, no.

I'm sending a work email while Connected to my— my— I almost said TaskRabbit.

Yeah, my vibrator's just plugged into my iPad. Like, no, this— no, I'm an adult. No.

My Roger Rabbit is connected to my Gmail.

One thing, wait, I did want to say about going to the football game this weekend. I'm really— I don't think I've ever taken note, but I'm really proud of Florida for having a little whimsy. Like, okay, their professional team, the Dolphins.

Mm-hmm.

Cute.

Cute.

Turquoise.

It's our place.

Orange. The Hurricanes. Like, they're very— like, I appreciate the whimsy that they put forth.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You know?

Yeah.

No, I feel like no one talks about them.

I realized that if men got their periods, they would call it the red zone. They'd be like, bro, I'm in the red zone.

They would try and make it like so much harder. You know,

like, like they're about to win. They're like, I'm in the red zone, bro. Watch out. I'm so close to my red zone. Oh, wait. Okay. I have a— I have a little announcement.

Yeah.

One thing about me is, God forbid I just, like, relax, you know? God forbid I relax. Um, I've had this, like, idea for, like, 3 years that I was— that I've never— I haven't done, but I've been thinking about it and I would, like, go on tour with people and I'd talk to my comedy friends and you and be like, I have this idea for this show, but I don't have the time or the energy. Um, but I'm officially launching it. It's been filmed now. The concept came from the idea that so many gigglers listen to Giggly Squad when they work out.

Mm-hmm.

And they're like, I— or I listen to something that makes me laugh and then like I'll have a YouTube video trying to teach me how to work out. And I'm like, what if you combine these things? 'Cause I personally hate working out. I've gotten really out of shape and like I can't get myself motivated and I need to laugh. Like I lose focus so easily. And I'm also the person at the gym with you, I'm talking, I'm talking the whole time. If we're jogging, I'm talking, I'm talking. I'm like, let's get through this workout through gossip and fun and laughter. Also, laughter is good for your abs.

You just said gospel for a minute and you're like, and I'm praying, I found Jesus.

And I'm like, I'm preaching. I do pray while I work out for sure. I'm like, help me get through this. So I decided to create this thing called Gym Class. The slogan is, on Wednesdays we work out. And I have all my funniest comedian friends with like—

That's so millennial, and I'm passionate about that. I love that.

And I made the Instagram handle ILoveGymClass, like L-U-V, like it's an AIM screen name.

Yeah.

So I got all these like amazing celebrity trainers that I would have never worked out with if I wasn't like trying to make content and all my funniest comedy friends, and we just do these like 20-30 minute workouts with like comedy in it, but it's like a real workout. So like everyone, we're getting back in shape.

This is on YouTube?

This is on YouTube. So it's like the winter's upon us, it's so easy to start like feeling like a piece of shit, but I want to be healthy. And every Wednesday I'm going to post a new video of a different workout, and I think we all should do it. Kayla Itsness, it's giving BGG. What was that workout everyone was doing?

I have no idea.

Well, you weren't on that algorithm at all.

No, I wasn't in there.

You never were on fitness girl algorithm.

Not really, no.

I also feel like workouts are intimidating. Like, even as a former D1 athlete, when I go to the gym, I'm like, I don't need all this shit. So this is like, you could do it at home, you could do it in the gym. Also After the Shane Gillis monologue, I was like, let's do— be some gym class whores. Like, let's shake our ass.

Speaking of gym class, I have a new fixation snack.

I love how you're like, speaking of gym, I love to eat.

Speaking of working out, snack time. Pretzel sticks. Has to be a pretzel stick.

Okay.

In peanut butter.

Yes.

Done.

Have you ever had the pretzels that have the peanut butter inside them?

Okay, I have, but the quality of that peanut butter, not up to my standards. If it's not a Skippy, I'm not like— I'm not— I only fuck with Skippy.

I kind of like the Gusher feeling of it where like it explodes in your mouth. No,

no, no, it's not for— no, it's not for me unless they're collabing with a reputable peanut No, seriously, I'm taking— I take peanut butter really seriously.

You're like, I'm about to turn 34, I don't need anything exploding in my mouth, babe. I'm trying to lower my cortisol levels.

Peter Pan peanut butter? No, not me, babe.

Do you remember when Justin's peanut butter came out and everyone was like, this is the first ever healthy peanut butter in a ketchup packet? It comes in a ketchup packet.

Yeah, but like, it was iconic. It's not good. It's like, it's good, it's good for being a healthy peanut butter, but when I want like a real peanut butter, I'm not grabbing Justin's.

The truth is everything is healthy as long as you don't overdose.

Totally.

Like, oh, your peanut butter has sugar in it? Yeah, you're gonna be fine, babe.

Do you remember when we were in middle school, there was like a rumor going around that there was like Rat poop in all peanut butter no matter what.

Your mom started that. She was like, everyone eat eggplant parmesan. Enough of this peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. There's rat poison in it.

I love a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Oh yeah.

Like, my snacks really are just like middle school, after-school snacks.

If you're in your peanut butter era, yeah, you gotta do toast.

Okay.

Peanut butter, sliced up banana, A little bit of honey, toasted so you have the crispness on the outside and the softness on the inside. It's really a pleasurable experience.

That sounds nice. And I do envy people that have, um, what are they even called? Like, not— it's a mic— it's not— it's a microwave, but it's not. It's an oven, but it's— Yes, microwave oven. What is that called? Yeah.

Moven?

Why couldn't I think of that 2 words put together?

That's me. I'm like, what's a paper towel?

The first time I ever saw a microwave oven, I feel like in someone's home, I was like, you guys are rich. Yeah, like that. Like, what? I've never seen that before, and I feel like I need to get one of those because I need to make more paninis.

I'm still trying. I'm still trying to just get a microwave. Wait, by the way, People don't talk about it enough. What's his name? George— the George Foremans.

Yeah.

That man, he had a boxing career. He could have been done. He could have been just like in Vegas.

No, I think he's—

Betting all his money away. He creates George Foremans.

Yeah.

Which is literally like when your name becomes the product, like, yeah, that's fucking huge.

You're a household name. That's what they mean. That's— he is the household name.

He is the male Martha Stewart. Yeah. It was genius. Like, that makes a good panini, a George Foreman. I feel like you just press it, and I feel like you get a little workout with your forearm because—

Yeah, I need to look into panini presses.

Oh God, we're so in our 30s right now. We're so in our 30s.

Well, you know, because I never used to be a fan of a hot sandwich, but as I get older, I think about them more.

You never fucked with Quiznos?

No.

See, when I went to the Midwest, they had Quiznos.

I don't think I've ever even walked into a Quiznos. Never even eaten at a Quiznos.

You've never dabbled in Quiznos. Have you ever— you go to Subway and you don't get it toasted?

I don't. I'm a cold sandwich girl for a lot of— for— I'm a cold over hot for a lot of things.

You get an Italian BMT without toasting it?

I'm cold.

No. A cold sub?

I don't like warm meat.

A cold soppressata?

Yeah, I think there's something gross about a warm piece of salami. I'm like, no, it's got to be cold.

Oh, okay, I see your— okay, I see your points. I see your points.

Yeah, it's interesting. We're different in that way.

We're different, but that's what makes us beautiful.

But like, I would make a hot peanut butter and jelly.

You want like a melted peanut butter? Yeah, the oil coming out.

Yeah, like I would, I would do that. I would make that over like a hot turkey sandwich.

By the way guys, this is how we dirty talk.

This isn't— this is important information.

It's slowly dripping.

I'm gonna be honest, I have seen some things online where it's like, they sold out Madison Square Garden. Like, that's really— and I'm like, what do they talk about? Like, really important topics.

Wait, This is my anxiety. But you know when, like, good stuff happens to you and then you get scared, like, something bad's gonna happen to you?

Yeah, I've been in the house all weekend. I'm gonna— I'm freaking out.

Paige!

I won't even open my phone. I have 700 text messages. I'm like, someone's trying to kill me.

I do have to say that I have been enjoying some of the think pieces on Madison Square Garden. I just think, like, the timing of it all, like, coming out right after Pete Davidson went online and was like, women don't do shit, they talk to the phone and they have careers, this is bullshit. And then Shane saying that women are Whores for going to the gym. Oh, I did go to a Buddha temple.

How was that?

Gorgeous. And you'd love it because it was like gold and there's all these like body positive statues everywhere.

They're like, have the hot peanut butter and jelly. Okay.

And this guy comes up to me and he's like holding something at me. And I'm a New Yorker, so I'm just immediately like, no thank you. Like, I don't even look at what it is. I just say no thank you.

They're like, this girl disgraces our whole culture.

No, literally. So the guy's like, he's holding like, um, it looks like a flat paper thing, and I'm just like, I don't want free stuff, sir. No thank you. And then Dez like nudges me and he's like, you have to take it. And I'm like, I don't want to take this man's thing. Like, I don't—

Like, now I'm in charge of this piece of paper?

Like, I don't— now I don't— I've never read a pamphlet in my life. I don't want a pamphlet. And the guy's like, no. And he hands it to me and I open it up and it's an apron. And I was wearing my Daphne shorts. And apparently if you're a woman, your knees can't be out. And I was like, I felt like Shane Gillis saw me at the gym. I was like, put this thing. So then, then I'm all in though, 'cause now I'm like, oh, this is their culture. Yeah. So I put on this apron. I'm wearing like a tennis shirt and a full apron all the way down to my ankles. And I'm dancing around making Des take photos of me.

Imagine if that's the moment your Ex-Lax decided to hit.

I'm like, I'm actually going to need this right now. Also, thank God I took it at night. Thank God I took it at night.

Yeah,

yeah. But, um, I also was talking to Dez about haters, and I was like, I love not addressing haters. Like, Paige is good with it, I was like, I look up to people who are just like quiet and focusing on their art.

Yeah.

And he was like, who does that?

I'll@ you.

You see, I was like, I like to just focus on my art and get better at my creativity and what I'm doing. He goes, who do you look up to who does that? And I like really paused. I was like, who do I look up to who does that? And I was like, Rosalía. And he was like, does she? And I go, actually, most of her interviews are in Spanish, so I don't know what she's saying. But in my head, she never addresses any haters. Then I realized it's because I don't speak Spanish. Also, she wrote a whole song about her ex called La Perla where she basically calls him an asshole.

I'm trying to think if there's someone that I'm like, oh, I really look up to them the way they

carry themselves

with— yeah, like Yeah, with people hating them.

Well, I'm always jealous of people who don't have social media. Like, I think that's the ultimate fuck you.

Yeah.

Which is why, like, I was excited for J-Law, but now she's in the game and she's having fun with it. So I support women in the arts.

No, I'm done now, actually. I'm not in the— Are you? Yeah, no, I'm not.

Do you ever regret a comment?

No. You know what I regret? Not saying more, because I actually have way better comments. I have more comments. Funnier comments.

I think my thing is I have so much to say that nothing will do it justice, so I need to just—

nothing will do it justice. But just know that there are people in my life that have heard all my comments.

Oh yeah, the comments are happening, it's just not happening.

Yeah, but no, I'm done now. I'm literally— but I, I'm, I'm reading, I'm in there, but I'm not, I'm not, I'm not commenting anymore

until tomorrow.

I'm having a sabbatical until tour. I'm really This is my thing before tour. I'm centering myself. I'm like, I'm doing— I worked out. I've been working out every single day. I've been going in the sauna. I'm doing a hair mask right now. I'm different.

I want to formally apologize to you because when I was on the toilet having a panic attack, I thought, and then I pushed her on stage. Yeah.

Your hands were numb? Oh, your hands were numb!

My hands were numb and I was lying on the bathroom floor. I'm like, and then I made her Sit in front of 3,000 girls.

My hands didn't just go numb, they contorted. They literally were like that. I couldn't move them. I go, I'm, I'm not alive anymore. I'm actually— the blood is draining from me. That's the only thing I could think of.

But I do have to say, once you survive that, like, what are you scared of?

Nothing. Nothing can knock me down.

Like, nothing?

I'm like, my own body has tried to take me out. What? Like, I'm fine.

You're like, my mind has played little riddles on me. Every day.

You think I'm scared of you? My brain hates me. Okay,

final thought.

Yeah,

Drake was seen in his white girl autumn fringe poncho outfit.

Look, everyone's a fan of Kyle Richards. Young, old, man, female. So like, I think he was just— he's in his housewife era, and I love that.

Yeah,

you know, wear a shawl when you want to wear a shawl. I don't wear enough shawls.

I don't even own a shawl.

Fringe is so in.

It's just so funny because you have to make such a conscious decision to be like, I'm not gonna put a jacket, I'm just gonna put a poncho shawl, and it has to fit with the rest of the outfit. Like, that was a full coordinated attack.

I actually have a poncho I've been dying to wear for the past couple of weeks, so he inspired me.

Maybe the next Miami football game.

It's just me and my poncho.

Wait, do we have to do Hannah and Paige Try New Things, learn how to cheerlead with the Miami cheerleading squad.

We might. I might have to go back up in the air. You know, once a flyer, always a flyer. That's what I say.

You know, I'm giving bass. I'm giving bass energy. Imagine me flying in the air. I hit a football player accidentally. He's out for the, the whole year.

No, that would be a fun one though, um, at some point. But we have so— we have so many. Really top on my list, I really want to do something with the Rockettes.

Yes, yes.

You know, that's like— I really just— I think about that.

When I get back from Asia one of these days, we'll start planning. Yeah, we'll start planning. But, um, if you guys have any recs for Vietnam or Hong Kong, let me know. Or any recs for just like motion in the ocean,

just staying alive out there, making it home, I would say.

As you guys know, I don't go to the doctor's office, so this is my doctor's office. So any DMs from doctors are wide open. Um, just on how to use laxative properly. And we love you guys so much. Thank you for giggling. We'll talk to you later. Bye.

Bye.