Transcript of Giggling about bidets, bahn mi, and scorpio season

Sup, gigglers? Gary, fix the Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. The day was fun. I mean, the day just got away from me.

What's up, my guava gigglers? It's currently 5:36 PM in Hong Kong where I am reporting for duty, and Paige texts me

It's 5:30 AM in Miami. I texted Hannah and I said, I'm so sick, but I'm awake. Do you want to just record?

I can't believe you're so sick right now, but I feel like you love it because it's like main character energy to be sick.

You know, I always get sick since I was in like 4th grade around Halloween. I've missed Halloweens before because I was so sick.

Oh my God.

Halloween and my birthday, just something happens to my body where it's like, it's too much.

It's too much Scorpio. It's too much.

I'm Scorpio-ing too hard.

Too close to the sun. Also, I just realized, I don't know if I'm like growing up or getting more boring, but I literally forgot Halloween this year.

Halloween?

Like, did you do anything?

No, I was doing like an interview the other day and they were like, oh, what are you doing for Halloween? And I was like, I'm taking the year off.

I'm at capacity, babe. I'm at capacity.

I'm like, I'm turning 34. I actually should be getting a child ready for Halloween, and so I can't.

No, I mean, in theory, I would love to like think of a really fun idea, prepare, prepare it, execute it. And we did it the last year, so I— last 2 years— last year we did multiple outfits. Like, that should count as like a rollover.

We did? What did we do?

Weren't we on tour? No, that was 2 years ago. It's all blending into one. All I know is I was the Australian dancer and I embodied her.

Yeah, you did.

What's it called when like male actors—

You were method acting.

I was method acting. I came—

When male actors ignore their families. Yeah.

What's it called when male actors do anything? Update on my bowel system.

Oh yeah.

It's funny because like my DMs are so different than my like Instagram comments, because the comments, the gigglers, they're funny, they're silly. The DMs, they're like, hey,

this is medical,

one-on-one, how's your— like I'm posting all these food tours and they're all like, hey, just checking in, have you pooped yet? Like literally like a cute mom, like, have you pooped? Let the community know. Um, good news is I had doctors messaged me regarding my— what, what was it called? Dulcesine? What did I— Dulcolax.

And I think that's the best thing that's come out of— out of— I was gonna say out of Disney. What? I'm really not well. Out of Giggly Squad is we have so many connections to so many doctors.

We're literally doing a crowdsource of women in STEM every time we're on the pod.

I think my DMs could cure endometriosis. Like, I'm not kidding.

I get more attention from doctors in my DMs than I do when I'm in the waiting room at a doctor's office. The, the doctor just ignores me, doesn't make eye contact, asks me if I'm depressed, and then walks out.

You walk out of your doctor's office, you're like, whatever, I'll just look at my DMs actually. Like,

also, I love doctors like out of their doctor uniform. I was gonna say costume.

Yeah, and that would be really mean.

They're like, I went to 17 years of med school, shut the fuck up.

Yeah,

well, it's like when you see your teacher like at the grocery store, just weird. So like when a doctor DMs me, they're so chill. They're like, hey, by the way, doctor, um—

No, and it's good that they say doctor because I am listening to any random person. I'm like, wait, I should check if they in fact are a doctor.

By the way, everyone in Vietnam called me lady. Like, they're like, lady, do this. Lady, sit. Lady, come.

I kind of love that though.

I know. I was like, I'm a lady. So the doctor said you taking Dulcolax was you going— she used the word nuclear on your stomach. And she basically was like, Dulcolax is like the most powerful laxative you can take. And she was like, that was Insane behavior.

So then why did they sell it?

No, that's what— where's the warning label?

And what does the FDA have to say about it? Like—

And laxatives, they clearly are not all created equal, so they should have like, you know, like a spice level maybe? Like, you know, salsa?

Wait, why don't they have salsa-level warnings?

Because apparently you could have like a little motion in the ocean, but this was like A volcanic eruption. But for— I did, so I did have like diarrhea during that, but like not really that much. And then the next like day, I had like little baby poops, like baby, but like at least there was movement. And now I'm stuck again, but it's not as painful.

What a journey.

But honestly, it's way better than when I'm my normal self, which is just like—

Going to the bathroom all the time.

Yeah, like I eat whatever I want and I'm not worried what's gonna happen.

On an average day in America, how many times are you going to the bathroom? Like, you're fully going number 2?

I feel like I poop after every meal.

You're like a dog.

And if I'm like a little nervous about something, which is all the time, then it gets— I get a stomachache.

We have to literally get you a litter box. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. So you eat and then 45 minutes later, you know you're gonna shit it out?

Or earlier.

Is your body Taking any nutrients in? That feels so quick. That feels alarmingly fast.

I thought I had a fast metabolism, but according to my Botox, I don't.

Wait, you know what is so funny is we kept saying that to people. We were like, okay, but Hannah actually has like a crazy fast metabolism.

I started a rumor about myself that I had a fast metabolism and no one questioned

I was like, I don't know why it's not going down. Like, she sweats so much, you would think that it would—

She eats and she poops nonstop. Like, stuff is moving. Oh my God. So then I get my period in Vietnam.

Oh my God.

As one does.

Yeah, get my period. Of course.

And then I realized like that I was a toto. There's like a fancy, um, toilet So I've actually never really fucked with the bidet. It was the kind of thing that like,

oh,

I've never had a tutorial, but I'm sitting there like, I'm clogged up, I got my period. I'm like, I'm clicking one of these buttons because

yeah,

I need Jesus right now.

Something up there, maybe go the opposite way, see if something wiggles out, see if we get some motion.

But by the way, it's like scary to be like, I'm sitting here and like water is about to like go right in my perineal.

Yeah.

My perineal.

I love them.

Well, there's a ranking system like laxatives should have where it's like, how strong do you want to be? So I put it in the middle.

Oh, warm.

You know I'm vanilla, so I'm like, I put it at 2. But then—

I jack that thing up.

I know you do. Just to feel something.

Yeah.

So I put it on and then I didn't know how to turn it off. So I like kept clicking it, but it made it just keep going stronger. And you can't just get off the toilet because then it'll spray out of the toilet. So I said, I'm like, Des, how do you turn it off? And then I get ticklish and I'm in like a torture chamber of a bidet. But then I realized there was a stop button.

Did your husband run in?

No, no, no, he left me for that.

He was like, she'll figure it out. There's like a Key and Peele skit somewhere, or like it's in a movie, like they go in to help someone with a bidet. I need to like find it because it's so funny and so pertinent to this.

It's not obvious how it works. There's a lot of buttons.

Yeah.

And like,

there's a lot of buttons.

I, I don't go on YouTube because I'm a girl, like for tutorials.

Right, right, right.

Which I should, but like—

Speaking of YouTube, have you seen like all that stuff from like the— some podcasts, but it's like the H3 Podcast?

Yeah, yeah, like H3 Podcast.

I like don't know, I never knew those people till now.

That's the Trisha Paytas people. They're all like connected. And it's funny because Trisha Paytas didn't know who we were.

She didn't know who we were?

Well, she like, didn't she comment about Giggly Squad?

I don't know, but I own— I know her from Tana Mongeau, I feel like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, which, shout out Tana. Our number one giggler on the planet, who's going hard this Halloween.

And I thought they— I was like, wait, this is a podcast? How would I not know that this is a really big podcast? But I think of them as streamers, like YouTube. I feel like people are listening to it on YouTube.

I think they do stream, right? Somehow, like, it never crossed our desk.

I can't believe that guy found one person to fuck him, let alone 2. I mean, I am— was gobsmacked. I go, this man? Cheated on, like, with him. That's the thing about men. I'm like, every time I want to count them out, they do something and I'm like, wow, that was really crazy. I doubt you've been keeping up with Love Is Blind because you're— you don't have a VPN. And yeah, what are you doing?

So I was getting annoyed that everyone was talking shit about my Michaela and Rob, and I said let them be cute. Like, you guys are being haters, let love—

And I was rooting for him. Mhm.

I was rooting for him, but that's a problem with these guys is that they could go either way because they're dumb, right? So you're like, he's either dumb cute or dumb evil, and that's 2 types of men.

And I really— and you want to know what I think is making me mad about it? Mhm. Is because he tricked me, and I hate Yes! I hate getting tricked.

He did not trick me. I liked their chemistry because I love a funny girl, and I felt like they both made each other laugh. So that's my, like, yes, love language. I'm like, they're making each other laugh, they're perfect.

Yeah,

but when a guy constantly says, oh, I'm a lot, oh yeah, thanks for putting up with me, it's constantly like he's telling you who he is. 'Cause I definitely dated— or there's the opposite of the spectrum, which is arguably worse, when they're like, I'm such a good guy.

I'm a really good guy.

I'm such a good guy.

I'm really nice. I really— I think I take offense to being mean to people. I don't like that. I'm really nice.

Oh God, meet a guy who doesn't define who he is to you, 'cause I feel like all those guys are narcissists, the ones that are like, I'm the kind of guy who— shut up! Shut up! Uh, I'll decide. I'll decide what kind of guy you are, you motherfucker. Sorry, I just got really annoyed.

Oh my God, no, I, I so agree. Okay, keep going.

Do you want to know something that's crazy? I didn't watch Love Is Blind, but everyone's playing the clip of like him getting to lunch or dinner with like all his boys.

Yeah, it was really upsetting.

Okay, one of the guys at that table I matched with on Hinge and talked to for like 2 months or something. I never met up with him.

Which one, Hannah?

His name's like, his name's like Steve. He was like a former football player. He's like really big.

Okay, I'm pretty sure they were all named Steve, so I'd have— I have to go back and look.

He's the one that like, they just posted a clip. I'm like, that's that guy. You know those people you've matched on apps and never connected with?

Not the guy with the crazy like chin strap facial hair that was like being insane.

The

insane one? Not the insane one.

Never met up with him.

This is actually so us. This is like boots on the ground journalism and we're like, I actually don't know.

I know. So he's like from Jersey, so he like came up on my Hinge and he was a big football guy, so I was like, yeah.

They'll get you, let me tell you. They will literally get—

But now I'm trying to think if I did meet up with— like, guys, Hinge is a blur for me. Like, I don't know who— he's in my phone, I checked, but there's no text messages.

Okay, here's one thing I want to say.

Yeah?

In Rob's defense—

Oh,

I unders— Wait, wait, hear me out. Hold on, I got kitty hair in my mouth. In Rob's defense, I understand his skepticism on going on a reality TV show and being nervous, like, what if they edit this crazy? What if, like, I get canceled? I understand that, but he inadvertently canceled himself. And here's something I'm gonna say that is, like, really, really polarizing. And look, I think drinking problems come in all shapes and sizes. I don't think necessarily a drinking problem is you wake up every day and you have to slam a shot of vodka. If you are with someone who has a drinking problem— and a drinking problem to me is your relationships change when you get drunk. Like, your relationships with all people change when you have a drink.

Yeah.

I had, I had to have someone literally take me by the shoulders and say, you will never be able to help someone with a drinking problem if they don't help themselves. You need to go. And it's so true.

Wait, did I tell you that? Was that me?

Well, you were one of a couple.

I go, was that 50 people in your life? Because I know I was one of them. I remember. She goes, I had a wise person.

You sat me down, you go, let's talk about addiction. I go, you've never been addicted to anything.

You go, exactly,

let's talk

about And I try to keep it far away from me. That's why I don't smoke cigarettes, because in a past life I was definitely an addict.

And Rob has a— has a drinking problem because—

Is that what they realized this episode?

It's what I realized. I'm like, you just— you have a crazy drinking problem. Like, you need to figure it out. And also, all of these men— I'm like, look, Rob, okay, I totally understand. Like, his dad passed away and that's so sad and And I can understand that. But Mikayla was so easygoing. She was so like, totally, I like, I wanna help you, or like, I'm like, I'm in your corner. And then she got to a point where she, she was like, you're embarrassing me publicly. Mm-hmm. And now you're a reflection of who I am. And honey, if I had a nickel of every time I've been like, and you're an extension of me, and now people think I'm a fucking nut job. She did exactly what she needed to do, and I'm so proud that like, in that moment, she went in the bathroom with her girlfriends and was like, I'm not marrying him. I'm actually never seeing him again.

I do have to say, your gut and her gut in that moment was like, get out. And she could have suppressed it. She could have been like, there's so many reasons why I should give this another chance. But the fact she did that, I'm so proud of her.

Like, I'm on a show. Like, let me just— he got nervous. Yeah, there were so many excuses she could have made and she didn't.

But also, this man is 38. This isn't a 24-year-old kid that's like,

no,

going through a rough patch. Um, yeah. And also it's like, these are his friends. I didn't watch it, but so— but I love talking about it like I watched it. I'm like, his friends—

Strong opinions.

But I did see a clip where he was like, I've never been aggressive with you, right? And she said the most iconic thing back. She was like, no. And he's like, so I've never been aggressive? And she's like, Yeah, except this moment right now. She's like, you mean what you're doing right— you're asking me if you are what you are right now? I'm so confused. Wow, I'm like hyped up. I haven't fought with a man in years.

No, I'm so mad. I have so many— I have a list of things that pissed me off in the past 24 hours.

I'm gonna say, I haven't fought with a drunk man in years, and let me tell you, I was, I was unprepared for it. you remember everything they said when they're drunk, and then totally you're like, you're a horrific human. And then in the morning they're like, baby,

they're like, I didn't mean— everyone was being mean to me. I'm like, you're a psychopath. Like a true, true psychopath.

Not to brag, my husband's sober, and I have some like younger friends who were like, is that okay? Like, what's it like? Like, I'm so scared to be with a sober guy. And I'm like, you never fight drunkenly, you never hungover with him. Like, it's beautiful and peaceful, and you guys— like, he reads.

When you don't have to worry about your boyfriend's character changing in different environments, that's your husband.

But I would also argue, like, their character when they're drunk is, is part of who they are. It's not this, like, made-up imaginary being. Like, that's fully who they are. A lot of the times it's stuff they're suppressing.

Just on like a ground-based level, who the fuck wants to hang out with like an annoying, angry drunk person? Like, that's not the point. Like, I could literally just call my dad sober.

If I want to do that, I'd go back on reality TV. Okay?

Yeah. Like, if you're a bad drunk and we're in our 30s, get the fuck away from me. You're a loser. You never figured it out. And like, you're not fun. This is not fun. I want to drink. And have a kiki, have a laugh.

Well, that's the thing. The joke is like in your 20s you're still like the fun guy. Like, he was definitely the fun guy in college, and then in your 30s it starts getting sad.

Also, I low-key think he thinks that he was hot.

Well, he told everyone he looks like Travis Kelce, which is not true.

I think that he low-key thought he was like bigger than the program in terms of the women.

But he decided to like not pick the girl who said she dated athletes because I think he's insecure that he's not an athlete.

Yeah, he's just like a big guy. Wait, you want to know what the real telltale sign was? When she— when Michaela was laying in bed with him and they were like laughing about something and she said something like, what do you think, big guy? And he got offended.

He was like, yeah.

And I was like, okay, you're a fucking loser. I was like, that is the moment that I was like, break up with him, actually. He like sucks. He can't take a joke.

And people will be like, what's the stupidest littlest thing that gave you the ick? No, icks are, are warned. They're whispers. They're warning whispers that,

yeah,

you gotta listen to.

Wow, I love that. Warning whispers.

I don't know where that came from. I think it was Oprah, actually. Oprah talked about whispers, how you have to listen to the whispers. But, um, anyway, I digress.

Can we do like a list of things that have pissed me off in like the past 48 hours?

I feel like you woke up at 5 AM and texted me just so you could tell me all the things that pissed you off.

Actually, yeah.

Let's go, baby.

I was on TikTok and I was like, this is pissing me off,

buckle up.

And this is pissing me off. And should I record the pod right now? Wait, one last thing on Love Is Blind. Um, hey, Guys, I know that we were on reality TV too, and like maybe sometimes we didn't like do our nails or like our hair wasn't brushed, whatever. When you're on Love Is Blind, you're literally on there for one season. Maybe clean your kitchen before we come in. Before we come in and you do a tour, I'm gonna need you to fold the clothes on your bed. Like, no, I actually have no tolerance for it. Like, what are you talking about?

When they left, they were in a rush, but you could text someone to be like, hey, can you like put my clothes away. They're— the cameras are coming

in a rush. You're potentially going away for weeks. You didn't like run the dishwasher? Like, I have no tolerance.

Or maybe a producer was like, it'll be cute if you're like the messy one, like you're the creative.

No, that's disgusting. You're in your 30s. Like, all the women are just so normal. I think that's what the frustrating part about it is. It's like all the women are just like being normal and like living their lives, and all the men are like Isn't this normal? And you're like, no, this is not. Like, you're scaring everyone, including the cameraman.

It's giving room raiders. They need to take out a blue light— a black light for jizz stains.

I'm gonna start small.

Okay, okay, start— yeah, build it up.

The first thing that pissed me off is people were coming for Paris Hilton because she dressed as Belle for Beauty and the Beast and her daughter was dressed as Chip. Which is the little cup, which in the movie is the child.

Adorable.

And people were like, how could Paris Hilton be Belle while she made her daughter be Chip? Uh, because she's Paris Hilton! What the fuck are you talking about? So that really pissed me off.

Also, what if the daughter like wanted to be Chip? Like, you don't know that.

Paris Hilton commented and goes, Chip is my daughter's favorite character. She wanted to be Chip. Like, end of story, case closed, enough.

Paris Hilton should be, um, treated like—

A real-life princess.

Protected species. She invented the selfie, leave her alone. Also, she does really great work for ADHD.

And she's never aged a day in her life.

And Belle loves to read.

And do you know that in her basement she has like a full spa?

Yeah, she's Paris Hilton. Also, she inspired Giggly Squad.

Leave her alone! Did she?

Yes, with, um, Paris and Nicole.

Oh yeah, yeah, we're forever inspired. Okay, the next thing that's really pissing me off—

Sunnisa!

Jennifer Lawrence started a hair care company. If I hear one more person make a video saying Jennifer Lawrence is doing a cash grab for her hair care company, I'm actually gonna blow up TikTok. It's Jennifer Lawrence, she can do whatever the fuck she wants. And also, how come every time a woman starts a business, it's like, not a real business, not real, nope, she's actually, oh my God, does she need money? Or maybe she's just very interested in it and can sell a product.

When women aren't starting businesses, they're just talking in front of the camera and that makes Pete Davidson mad. And then we try to be athletic, Jake Gillis gets mad. And then we try to start a business, everyone's mad. So what are we supposed to do?

Wait, Birdie posted the other— and I know I said I was gonna stay out of the comments, and I really am. Birdie posted a thing the other day saying like, are men the new, uh, like skincare? Yeah, like because all these men are like— Seth Rogen was in a Sephora thing.

Yeah.

And I commented and like, someone needs to tell Pete Davidson. Because like he could be getting his bag, he doesn't even know it. All he has to do is do one get ready with me.

I just like— there is something that kind of irks me. I guess Sephora is trying to promote like—

Honey, I'm livid about it.

Boyfriends trying—

No, I'm like livid about it.

You're taking our jobs. Like, why are men promoting skincare for women? Like, I, I just— Seth also doesn't need the money either. Like, give it to a nice influencer girl who's hustling every day. Seth Rogen is busy with the studio. You're taking our jobs.

You're taking our jobs.

Go back to where you came from.

Now listen, a gay man who like wears makeup, yes, honey. Yes. Come, you're Sephora with me. Yeah, a drag queen. Yep, get your stuff, go buy your things, color match.

If Bowen's into makeup, yes, he's been O'Mary. Totally, yes. Like, he needs to get a full face.

Yes, do it because they enjoy our femininity.

Yes.

a straight man selling me any type of makeup product, I'm not even mad at the straight man because like, hey, if you get a call and someone wants to give you a fat check, who am I to say don't take it?

But then don't talk shit on influencers ever.

But the establishment who's hiring them, I'm looking at you sideways because what

I do have to say, e.l.f. hired Matt Rife and immediately the internet got really mad.

Because what the fuck does he know about a grip primer? Truly, does he even know what a fucking primer— okay, actually, maybe. And I digress, I take that back.

You never know what people do to stay beautiful.

No, you truly never know what's going on in someone's home. I can attest to that. You don't know what's going on in someone's home. You don't. You never will. You truly never will. Okay, and my last thing, this is my last thing.

Okay.

Did you see Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard?

I actually did not see the clips. All I see is people really mad at Kristen. Cursed. Is it Kristen or Kirsten? Kristen.

Kristen, who I— I'm a Veronica Mars stan.

Stop getting mad at the women. What did she do? Because she didn't break up with him, like Leave Kristen alone.

Leave Kristen alone. So she was on a pod with them and she said that she knows that Dax is flirting with her when they're out to a restaurant and he compliments the waitress and says, oh, you have really nice eyes, or whatever. And she said she takes that as flirting because she's turned on by his kindness.

Okay, I saw that, because he's making someone else feel good.

I actually kind of believe that she thinks that because I do see her as like a very lovely angel. Like, I could see someone being nice and her being like, that's so nice that you were nice to that person.

She likes that he's in a good mood?

No, she's saying that like she likes being with someone who's kind to strangers.

You know, there's a lot of factors in this scenario that she said, like, for example, is the girl he's complimenting hideous?

And that's the question we need to ask.

That's important.

That's important.

And my husband is like, you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Then I'm like, my husband— I'm pissed because I'm like, why would you do that to that person? No, then I'm like, my husband is like charitable. Like, he's like giving back to the community. If she's some like hot girl and my husband's like, hold on, let me make this girl feel— I'm like, that's so fucking weird.

When Joe and I like first started dating, we were like walking in the park and he like saw a dog that he liked and he said to the owner, which was a super hot girl, what kind of dog is that? And she was like, oh, it's— oh, it's like a blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And we walked away and I I looked at him and I was like, don't you ever fucking do that in front of me. I'll chop your balls off right here. Who gives a fuck what kind of dog that is?

See, we're different where I— you actually enjoy being like a little jealous. I like to play jealous. Like on the plane today, Des was talking to like— she was probably like She's an older, older woman. Um, why am I so scared to say that?

Yeah, like, okay, did she have 3 heads? What the fuck's going on?

He was speaking Mandarin with her, like, obviously, and like laughing, kiki-ing. I have no idea what they're saying. So when he came back—

I had to assess the situation.

When he came back, sat down, I was like, someone had a little fun with the stewardess. Are you allowed to say stewardess? What do they— what do they— I always say stewardess. Flight attendant. Flight attendant. I think stewardess is cunt.

It is cunt, but I think they were like— someone said no, and then it was like—

Like, stewardess sounds regal as fuck.

You want to know what it is? Because we love Stuart's name.

Stuart. Oh, Stuart. Shout out Stuart, um, who has a podcast. Everyone listen to it, um, Stuart Says. So yeah, I was like, did you have fun? You had a lot of fun back there? And he's like, oh, and I'm like, no, go spend 40 minutes talking to her. Like, you're not interested? That's crazy. So I have fun fake fighting with it.

Yeah, I'm serious.

Dez is speaking Mandarin and charming the fuck out of every woman in Hong Kong right now. But like, I do like it because I'm like, that's my man. Oh, okay, we have a Daphne cameo.

Kitty's actually like— and he's saying what to who?

Kitty's like, I need to get involved. Kitty, I love your Fancy Feast campaign.

And she's gone.

And she's almost gone. Okay, so Dez is being so cute in that he's letting me go to every cat cafe that I found.

I know, because the 2 times I've texted you, you've been like, sorry, just leaving a cat cafe.

See, you guys, I went to a cat cafe in Singapore, then I found one.

Also, wait, you didn't even laugh at my text message when I was incessantly texting you a ton of gossip, and then I screenshotted your location and I was like, the shit my friend is doing when I'm actively getting ghosted. Like, where you were was a made-up—

I was in— I was in Hanoi, Vietnam. It was so— we were dying laughing. I didn't respond because you were asleep anyway. Um, but in Vietnam— oh, you guys, okay, I gotta— I gotta— I gotta share. So in Vietnam, I go on my own journey. Now, there's nothing quite flow state. Like when you are walking to find a vintage shop and you know you have like just 10 minutes straight to this vintage shop, like I truly go ethereal. Like nothing in the world matters, it's just me and going to buy things that I don't need. Um, I might not buy anything because I might get overstimulated when I get there.

Mhm.

By the way, in Vietnam, there's a lot of places where there's no crosswalks and it's just cars and motorcycles and people walking. Now the way Dez describes it is that in Asia it is— there is a flow.

Okay.

He's like, because there's no rules, and so it's not like, okay, now everyone stops, you walk. You just have to go.

No,

you just have to walk. And he's like, when you look at it, everyone's actually flowing within each other, but from afar it looks like complete chaos and people are honking and yelling. So like, I am like, I'm gonna go. And there's also no sidewalk, you have to walk in the street.

Yeah, no.

So I'm walking in the street in the middle of Vietnam alone trying to find a thrift shop, and I actually start getting dizzy. And I realized it's, it's 'cause one, I was dehydrated. Two, because my cortisol levels were so high 'cause I was like actively trying to not get hit by like 4 different moving vehicles.

Yeah, Hannah, this is how people die.

But then I locked in. Then I was like, okay, I hit the flow and it's like, you just walk. You can't get defensive. You just walk. Um, and I find a cat cafe, but in Vietnam it's very chill. Like, you know, most cat cafes, it's like you gotta check in and like pay money to enter and then you like take your shoes off and then you like—

They're like, whatever, take one.

Like, come in, it's a bookstore with cats just like lying on people's books.

Reading. Just cats like reading.

Cats just reading. Cats are like, welcome to my store. Um, literally going through novels.

Because in my head, cats like can talk, they choose not to, and like they could run the world, but they're like, we're actually not gonna. But like deep down, I really think that they are aliens.

But I actually feel like, um, how a man walks into a brothel at these cat cafes. I check to see, I said, okay, that's a pretty one over there. Okay, that's a little fluffy one, like a little butt on that one over there. And then it's like I get my drink and then I'm like, who wants a little pet?

You're like, what's your name? Tabby?

But it's funny, I go up to one, I try to pet it, and it's like not that into me. And I'm like, no problem. And I go to the next one, I try to pet it. So this last one, I just got to Hong Kong found a cat cafe does let me go. Paige, they have different outfits on because it's Halloween, so they have all these cute outfits. I took photos, but then some of them have like a bandana on them, and I'm like, what's the bandana say? And it says, on diet. So all the fat ones have little bandanas that say, on a diet, which I think means like you can't just give them snacks. No. And they're the cutest, chubbiest kids. Imagine as a human when you're on a diet, you have to wear a bandana that says, on diet, do not give food. Do not feed me.

If you live in my mom's house, you do. So anyway, if you live with my mom and you're gaining weight, everyone will know.

She puts, she puts the bandana on you and it's bright red, by the way.

I'm actually on a diet, a little bit of a diet right now. Like, no, I'm not. She goes, you're not?

Oh, you didn't know you were?

Wait, what?

We went on an actual street food tour. Like, you hire someone, like a Vietnam local. Her name was Junie. Shout out Junie. She's so iconic, Junie. And she's this little tiny woman walking middle of the road and there's just chaos around her and we're just like, okay, I guess we follow her. She turns into like the back of some store, into someone's apartment, into the back, and there's just like these little tables. By the way, Dez is, is like 6'4 and like trying to sit in these little tables, loving it. Um, but he can't speak Vietnamese, so he's like no use to me. But anyway.

He can't speak Vietnamese? What an idiot.

No, he's like, he's Stupid. Oh my God, read a fucking book. Like, get one culture. So he— there's like a lady holding a baby, holding dumplings, throws us some dumplings. I'm a foodie, let's just say it. Is that annoying? Is that annoying that I'm a foodie?

Like, we all have thought this.

What I would say, the best—

You eat everything, by

the

way. We know.

All the food I'm about to list is still in me right now. Like, it hasn't come out, so just like imagine the layers. So first,

let's start at breakfast.

Coconut coffee. Okay, coconut coffee in Hanoi is basically a Frappuccino, so it's frozen Coke. The greatest thing I've ever had. Highly recommend. Then they have duck, like just like fried duck with like herbs.

Is that breakfast?

So you can have the same meal every single—

For every meal.

Meal if you want. So we had these little pieces of duck and then they have fresh herbs always on the table and you, um, take the basil and you eat it dry with the duck. It was— the acidity against the fatness of the duck was truly remarkable. Um, Bobby Flay is gonna love this segment. Okay. Oh, then Okay, have you ever had banh mi?

No.

So it's— sorry, I'm— you're such an uncultured swine, I don't even know how to talk to you right now. You've never had banh mi? Crazy. Okay, where do we even begin? So

I've never even heard of it.

What's a banh mi? So Vietnam was— there was the French colonized them.

Okay, now we're—

Spends 3 days with Des, a full history lesson. But because they have French influences, it's like Asian cuisine but then with baguettes. So a banh mi is a baguette but like not too thick, and then they put— like, you could put any meat in it, but I love it with the pâté. They did a prosciutto pâté, duck pâté, with Then it has like cucumber and lettuce and stuff.

I did not take you as a pâté girl.

Wait, pâté? That's that thick— girl, she is—

You're running around eating pâté?

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Wait, is that good or bad?

Good.

Okay, good.

Wait, am I confusing—

I think it's like chopped liver. I think it's ground up liver.

Yeah, I'm confusing pâté with

I think

it's the same thing. But isn't that also a pâté?

I think foie gras— I don't think it's foie gras.

What is it?

Is it— oh, foie gras.

Yeah, isn't that a pâté?

That's pâté if it was gay. Gay pâté.

That's pâté if it was in a musical.

If it's in musical theater. That's pâté if it knew it was better than you. And it went to a nice liberal arts school. Um, okay, then they had this like beef, lettuce, and noodles together. That was great. Obviously pho. But then this was their crazy dessert. It's called jelly bean, but they take sweet soy milk.

Like, it's crazy.

Okay, yeah, sweet soy milk. And then tofu, but like flavorless tofu, but it like takes on the sweetness of the soy milk.

Okay.

Then just red beans. Because if you think about it, beans are inherently sweet. Like, you know, like in barbecue, like the beans. So if you just have beans with soy milk, it literally is like floating red beans in milk, which—

What are you talking about? Barbecue beans are laced. Yeah, but laced with so much sugar. Like, if you went to— if you go to one backyard barbecue and you have baked beans It's so unhealthy. But like, a bean on its own, I feel like, has no taste.

Well, actually, you're right, it's no taste. But it's like tofu where it can be sweetened,

like it takes on the

milk. Yes. So it was like this sweet bean texture. It was crazy. I was feeling wild.

And you eat the beans individually, or it's like mashed?

Individually. Like, they just put it— it's like floating beans. It's like cereal of beans. Bean cereal.

No wonder you can't take a shit. Okay, are you kidding me?

It's crazy I can't take a shit after that. Also, I had 8 prunes today. Like, that should be illegal.

Yeah.

So anyway, that was Vietnam, and we're about to go to dinner.

Like, so anyway, that was breakfast.

Sorry, that was my snack. That's like Amy Schumer in Trainwreck when she's like, I'm so hungry, all I've had is Are you okay?

Well, in my head, when you said— when you said you got dizzy, I go, well, surely you weren't hungry and famished. You must not have had any water.

I don't think I've ever been famished in my life. The second I get slightly hungry, I like need to eat. Yeah, I need to eat something.

You know, that's so funny. I actually don't think I've ever heard you be like No, I'm starving. We have to get— like, we need to eat.

Because that could start with immediately, and I don't make it everyone's problem. Like, I will leave the event if there's not food. Also, I have snacks.

Like, in your bag?

Yeah, I always have.

So did you ever go shopping? Did you ever go to like the vintage store?

Oh, so I did go to these really cool vintage stores, but it's crazy because you get there and it's like you have to go in all these staircases where it really looks like you're walking to—

Yeah, you don't like that.

You don't know where it is. But I do like it. It's just like I'm bad at directions anyway, so it's a miracle every time I found these stores that are like, the address is in a different language and it's on the 3rd floor of a building that you can't see. So, um, I did get turned around a couple times. But one thing about me that we're gonna— we can learn from this experience, and I'm pulling it up because I made a note Oh, going on a street food tour after almost dying proves that I am resilient. And if—

You wrote this down?

Yeah.

Okay, going.

I said

support your friends. Keep going.

There's one thing about me, I am resilient, and that is what you should want to be in this life. Not cool, not funny. Not beautiful, but being able to deal with hard things and coming back stronger.

Have you ever seen the movie 21 Jump Street with Channing Tatum?

I've never seen it, but I know the vibes, if that makes sense.

You love Channing Tatum. How have you never seen one of his number one comedy roles? Do yourself a favor, download that for the plane ride home.

Well, actually, after I saw She's the Man, I knew that his work was only going to go downhill from there because that was his prime.

He's very good in 21 Jump Street.

Yeah, what a time.

What a time. What the 2000s.

Also, that's a great example of when men used to be hot. Continue.

Thank you.

Thank

you.

It's called There's No Studs Anymore.

I think that's for lesbians.

No, it's not.

Sorry, I'm on lesbian TikTok. No. I'm a le— nope! I actually would know.

Are lesbians adopted stud?

Yeah, they're like masc lesbians.

Have you heard of Hey Mama? A Hey Mama lesbian?

No, I have not.

I think that's a type of masc lesbian that's like fuckboy. Like, she has like a backwards hat. She's like, hey mama, hey mama.

The 21 Jump Street thing I was saying, there's a scene in there where Jonah Hill like does like fake slam poetry, and you literally just sounded exactly like him.

I am Jonah Hill and you are Channing Tatum. Oh, but I have some page bait.

Fine, I'm already annoyed this episode.

I know, so I'm leaning in. Hashtag lean in. I am officially the worst packer to ever pack, and I'm not trying to be like, I'm not like other girls, but like, it's at a point where I— it needs to be studied. First of all, I only pack dresses. Like, I think I want to be Nana. Like, growing up, like, Nana goes on vacation, she takes all these photos in all these gorgeous different dresses. So I'm like, okay, I'm going on vacation, let's pack 8 dresses that I've never worn.

For what? Like, to go to dinner?

Yeah, like, in my—

Those are your night outfits?

In my dreams.

Yeah,

that's who I am on vacation.

Okay.

I just pack heels. Like, I don't check that they match any of the dresses. I just see like a heel that looks kind of comfortable. When I get there, I realize no heel goes with any of the dresses. Also, I realize I'm not wearing a dress. So, right, so, well, also because I was battling really bad bloat and dresses are not good at hiding that. I'd have to be like full pregnant mom.

Give me an example. Like, what are some dresses? Like, do I know the dresses? Like tight dresses?

I packed like a tight vintage Um, Roberto Cavalli dress. No, like, snakeskin. Like—

What are your day outfits?

So this is the thing. I did pack like jeans. I packed like some simple t-shirts, like trying to be like classic simple. I've been wearing the same Montauk t-shirt and Daphne pajama pants every single day. Day.

To go out too, like to go to the cat cafe.

Yeah, this I've worn. Like, this is my comfy outfit and I'm staying in it.

Yeah.

And by the way, there's a shit ton of stuff in my luggage. Like, it's not like I didn't pack. It's just like, this is the only thing I feel— this is the only thing I fit into right now. So that fits me right now.

As someone who looks up restaurants' color decor so that my outfit Matches the vibes. Like, when we go to Italy and my mom books a beach club, I go, what color are the umbrellas? I can't go if I don't know what color the umbrellas are and my bathing suit doesn't match. I'll look ridiculous. And they change them every year, so like, I—

It could be some form of, um, what's it called when you think differently than other people?

Neurodivergent. You know what it is? You know what, what packing really is? It's just math. You just have to calculate how many days you're gonna be there, figure you need a day outfit and a night outfit, so that's 2 already for 1 day. And then you have to bring at least 3 alternate outfits for in case you're like, who did I think I was when I packed that? I don't want to wear that. Where's my alternate outfit? Oh, change of plans, alternate outfit.

But I do this at home too, where like I put on an outfit and I'm I'm like, this is comfortable, I like it. And then I wear it every day until it's too dirty.

You are the type of person that is really like—

Like, I want to be Steve Jobs.

Like, there's so much I could say in this moment. You are the type of person who truly is perfect for a uniform. You need to get 4 outfits that you love, and you need to get them in every single color, and you need to just rotate that every day. Obviously special events and occasions are different,

but

like your day-to-day, day-to-night, you should be rotating truly 5 outfits that you love and feel good in.

And like, if I could go to dinner right now in this outfit, I 100% would, but it, it would look bad.

It would—

insane. So I'm gonna change, but putting myself in a different outfit stresses me out.

You're also the perfect candidate to go shopping at like the Row and buy like an insanely expensive something, but you're gonna wear it every single day. Like, you're like, if you buy 3 insanely expensive outfits that you just only wore those, it's actually saving money rather than buying like a ton of random shit that you never end up wearing. You have so many random clothes that you're like, I'm never wearing it, but you bought— but you bought it.

I know, like there's a new thing— it's not new at all— but girls on TikTok being like Do you like it or is it just thrifted?

I've never felt that. So

like, I'll buy something because I'm like, it's thrift.

But you thrifted it and you got it on sale. I thrifted it.

It's on sale. I save money.

No, I really— I wish I had the time and the just general je ne sais quoi to come over and really look at your closet.

Maybe one day. Maybe we'll do it. Hannah Paige tries new things. Paige tries to look at Hannah's closet. Also, this whole time there's been this like light of God coming towards my head that's driving me insane.

It's kind of beautiful though.

Thanks. Um, anyway, you guys keep sending your Hong Kong recs. Um, no, I haven't, I haven't pooped since the laxative, but keep me in your prayers. And Paige is really sick too, so pray to St. Anthony.

I genuinely think my fever just broke because I'm sweating and I was so cold.

And you did amazing this podcast in spite of that because you're— because again, you know what you are? What are you? Resilient. Resilient.

Resilient. Yeah.

Every giggler's resilient, and you, you take that with you for the rest of this weekend, girls. Okay, I love you. Stay resilient out there. Talk soon. Bye. Bye.