Transcript of Giggling about crying, cocktail parties, croque madames

Sup, Giggly.

Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit.

We can't be managed. I mean, the day just... got away from me.

Hello, my gastrointestinal gigglers. I just want to give a formal apology, because I did get—actually not that many, but enough that I was aware. Some messages that said, "Hey Hannah, we love you, we love the work you do, especially in the arts and in STEM, but can you quiet down with the poop talk? We've had enough 3 episodes in a row." And I realized I want to apologize, because I did take it too far. Even though I want to let people know, Giggly Squad is an open-door policy.

Yeah.

I like being open and honest with the gigglers, and this just happened to be my journey the last month.

I think I have the flu.

Bam.

I know. It's so sad. Do you want to know what it is? I have one really weird tell since childhood when I know I'm getting really sick, and it's so bizarre. My teeth hurt. Like, my teeth will feel sore. And when I was—this is so weird. This is so weird.

My bones start to chill. The cauldron becomes warmer, my skin becomes colder. You're such a little witch.

She's like, "My fingernails start to turn yellow. The hairs on the back of my neck start to curl. My eyelashes become straight." Wait, Hannah, no. You're so good at that. You have to play a witch. If anyone's making a Halloween movie which actually lets make more that are Halloween town-esque.

It just means you beat it.

Please pass my bread.

Witchy witches all over.

Disney, give us a call after this. We've got some ideas. We've got some real ideas.

Sorry, I don't mean to make fun of your, like, your pain. What's going on, babe?

I worked myself. I had a party. I threw a party.

Which, to us, is actually the biggest job in the world. Like, the hardest job in the world. Like, shooting a music video, going on tour, throwing a party? That takes another level of exhaustion.

I'm like, I can do MSG.

Four times.

Four times. A cocktail party.

A two-hour small talk get-together.

You got me fucked up. Well, honestly, I wasn't even going to do anything for my birthday because I'm real—for how much I love attention and I love outfits, I'm—I don't really ever care about my birthday. Like, I don't remember.

Wait, sorry, Joe's texting me.

Saying what?

Yep, that's what I thought. Sorry. Just some fantasy football.

All of Joe's gifts to me for my birthday were tour-themed.

My sweet sweet.

No, it was so sweet. Because I was like.

He wanted to feel like there was a purpose to the gifts.

It was just so sweet, and I.

I don't want to get him in trouble, but I'm in, like, full insider trading mode because he's a sports agent. So when I'm putting together my fantasy league, like, he knows things. So I'm like, "Is so-and-so playing?"

All my DMs recently have been like, "Hey Paige, yeah, I love your work. Can you ask Joe?

Can you ask Joe?

If he thinks that this guy is going to play." And sometimes he is around, and I'm like, "Hey, quick question for you. Do you think—" and he will look at me and be like.

They won't know who's asking.

They won't know who's asking.

I know. He's like, "Actually, you don't have to pay for that information." No, a girl messaged me and was like, "Can you send Joe the, like, my lineup?" So I sent it to him, and he responded immediately. And I think she ended up, like, one of the players didn't do as well as she thought, and she's like, "Tell Joe." And I'm like, "Okay, you can't—" he's actually the psychic of the gigglers for fantasy football.

He's a meteorologist of sports, okay? And sometimes he's wrong. And oops.

Well, yeah, because he's not, like, a full witch. Like, Paige.

Right.

It's literally clinical. My text to him. I'm like, "Will Malik be playing on Sunday?" And he's like, "Yes, just a rest day." I said, "Okay, tell him to stop being dramatic." He goes, "Okay." Like, he's exhausted.

I woke up this morning and I was just like, I'm so sick. Like, I need to lay in the bed and it's raining out for a full 24 hours. Like, my teeth hurt. And he was like, "Okay, I don't know what that means."

Okay. He's like, "Go to the dentist."

Do you know that there's a secret medicine tea you can get from Starbucks that's not on the menu, but you have to do it through drive-through? So he's going to go and get it for me. It's called a medicine ball.

Oh.

It's life-changing.

No, getting a medicine ball is like a thing that you can ask—I think you can even ask for it in the bodega.

Oh.

Because it's, like, tricked me. I thought it was—

I thought it was, like, the secret menu off-menu use.

I think it's like lemon-ginger cayenne, I think.

I don't know, but I need it.

The one thing I do love for us is, like, we are so incorrect on so many things on the pod, but no one can accuse us of using AI. Like, we're not using AI, and we are out here not knowing things, and it's freeing and beautiful.

Okay, well, also, we never claimed that you were going to, like, learn something from this podcast.

No, no.

If you—like, that's on you. Like, go listen to an expert.

Part of the podcast is me forgetting a word. Paige, obviously, not knowing the word that I'm imagining. And then you guys knowing the word, but you're, like, yelling it at your phone. And that's Giggly Squad. And it's community.

But it's fun. It's interactive.

Yeah, literally.

Okay, back to my party for a second.

Oh, yeah.

At one point I looked around and I go. All I did was invite all of Hannah's friends.

Well, I think over the years you know, like, who shows the fuck up for me. And they were texting me. They were like, "I feel like I'm in, like, a co-parenting relationship where it's like, I'm with Paige this weekend." Wait, so for people who don't know, I was not there. Everyone thought we just didn't get a photo together, which totally has happened every time.

Of course.

But I just flew back from Asia and went to Miami. And then Paige was like, "By the way, having a party in New York, obviously you're not coming." And I was like, "Okay." And then I get a FaceTime from Grace.

Who was at the party.

With all my best friends.

No, literally all your best friends.

Well, how were they? Did they behave?

They were so nice. Ali Colbert and my dad talked the entire time, I feel like.

Oh my God. She loves that your dad loves her.

Stewart and Gabby came together.

Amazing. Because they are a comedic duo, and they work best when they're riffing off each other.

No, it felt very, like, I don't know. It felt like my hot sisters, like—no, it was really like the hot girls from the other school came to my party. That's how I felt.

Yes, but also, like, if you don't have professional comedians at your party, like, the vibes are not going to be the same.

No, it was half professional comedians.

And that's the kind of party you're throwing. It's basically hiring clowns, but, like, hot. Hot clowns for your party.

Hot clowns with boob jobs.

Actually, I think Stewart and Gabby should start getting hired for your party.

They would be phenomenal.

Phenomenal. They will, you know, when everyone's, like, not sure what to talk about, they will get the bit going. They'll do callbacks. They're running around. They're getting people involved. They're doing crowd work with people they don't know. It's incredible.

I had one drink, and I promised Hailey she could sing at MSG.

You got me in trouble because Hailey calls me. She goes, "Paige said I could sing at MSG." And I was like, "Okay, well, that's definitely a conversation." And she's like, "Oh, so you're not letting me." I'm like, "No, no, no. I fully will let you. I just want to, like, I'm putting the show together right now, and I don't know what minute that would affect me." I'm like, "Are we talking Whitney Houston? Like, what are we—what is the vision?" I told her she definitely could do the girl's girl's dance. Getting the microphone to her, that's a big deal.

If you come to my party and you ask any—I'm like, "Yeah, you came to my party. Like, I'll give you my first child." Like, I don't know.

Hailey's doing 30 minutes at MSG, actually.

I go, "What if we just brought the whole Salami Squad?"

Hailey's fully pregnant, by the way. You guys, just letting you know. She has a baby, like, hand coming out of her vagina, and she's like, "I'm dancing at MSG." Which is womanhood.

I did another thing that I was like, "I don't know if this is weird or not, but whatever." There are, like, some girls on the internet that I've never met before, but I'm just like, "I think you're pretty, and I like watching your videos, and I feel like I—I don't feel like I'm so much older than them, but I know that I'm older than them."

But you like their work.

Yeah, I'm just like, "Ugh." I, like, I get excited for them. I'm like, "I love when they put on a good outfit and they, like, show me that they're going out to dinner." I'm like, "Yeah, girls, go."

You wanted your party to be aesthetically pleasing, and you saw people that would look good on the grid. Let's be so fucking real. And now I'm wondering why I wasn't asked to your party.

I go, "You're beautiful. Come to my birthday party."

You go, "This Daphne outfit would look amazing on you."

So there's, like, a couple girls that I follow on TikTok and Instagram and stuff. And so when they came into my party, I go, "I hope you don't think it's so weird that I invited you to my birthday party, but I like you." And they were like, "Oh my God, no, we don't think it's weird at all." So that eased my anxiety a little bit.

Everyone looks so good.

At one point you did text me and say—or no, you commented and said, "A lot of blondes."

Everyone's thinking it.

Everyone.

Well, I was doing my scroll, and you're sandwiched between them, like, loving life.

Well, another tactic. I needed to be the only brunette.

I was like, "She's in enemy territory by her own choice."

You have to flip the switch. Flip the script.

Actually, Sierra commented too. It was like, "Yeah, that's what I was noticing." Well, Gabby, who's blond, talks about blond erasure. Apparently that's a thing. A lot of girls going brunette. And she's afraid that blondes are, like, going extinct, I think. This is not my algorithm. This isn't my thing. I mean.

Well, dare I argue that I think that a lot of blondes get more misogyny thrown at them.

Yes.

So, you know, I also want to bring awareness to the blondes.

I also would say, in general, like, natural blondes are a minority. So, like, a lot of girls come 30s, they're like, "I'm not being a bottle of blonde anymore. I'm going to embrace and actually match my eyebrows."

Speaking of blonde, Ash came to my party.

No, I'm so jealous.

I was like, "Ugh."

She just did Fallon.

I know. Oh, wait. She walks in, I hug her, and I go, "Oh my God, did you know your song is on Love Is Blind?" And she goes, "Yeah."

Like, yeah. Wait, Love Is Blind's music this season? They're doing I Love You, Rodrigo. They're doing Ash. They're doing Sombra. Like, we're—the budget's crazy.

The budget's crazy, but I don't—if there's one thing in this world, and there's a lot, I don't understand, is what shows have budget for music. One episode of Love Island, I'm like, "This episode had to cost $20 million. How did they get all these songs?" And, like, on Dancing With the Stars, they're not using any of the real songs.

No, they have to sing it. But I miss the days of, like, Vanderpump Rules where it's just like, "She's a bad girl. She's a bad girl. Don't mess with her. Don't mess with her. She's a bad, bad girl." Back to Ash. I think with musicians and actors, I can be a little more, like, what's—not sweet, but, like, honest. Like, I feel like with comics, I, like, joke a lot, but with a singer, I sent her, like, a corny-ass DM.

What did you say?

I said something like, "You're a light, and you have to keep shining." But I'm like, "She's a singer."

Because you think they're, like, more—they're more, like, artistic.

Yeah, and just that they're, like, serious artists. So I was like, "Keep shining your light and spreading your joy."

Positivity.

Positivity. And she was, like, so sweet. Back with, like, she's, like, looks like Marilyn Monroe.

No, she's so—I just think she's so cool. There's just, like, something about her aura that just feels very.

She's just a star.

Genuine, yeah. And she just feels like she's a star. Like, I just—I really like her.

Also, it makes me confused why, in all the beauty trends, why fake birthmarks have not.

Really had a moment.

Become a thing. Yeah, because, like, instead of getting filler, I'd rather get, like, a really clunky birthmark that looks like Ash and, like, differentiate myself from other people.

Maybe it will start trending soon. Wait, you might be on to something.

Because freckles were a thing.

Right. And I feel like that era of outfits is kind of starting to trend a little bit.

Like, doing night out and just putting a mole on your face, like, let's go.

Even the Gilded Age outfits, I feel like they could have beauty marks.

But it's so funny how a beauty mark can be, like, so regal. It's a thin line between regal and, like, you have to get that checked.

Yeah. Sorry. Part of Giggly Squad is also, like, multitasking and playing with your cat whilst recording. Kitty keeps trying to bite me. Kidding.

Well, this is—you're athletic. It's an athletic feat.

She's working out.

No, that's so cool. And you know what that is? Also, women supporting other women in separate fields. Comics have to support. Singers have to support actors. Like, we're all in this together.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Why was there so much discussion about your outfit online? Because.

Was—wait, was there?

No.

I was thinking.

Wait, I'm—wait, I had a 14-hour shooting day yesterday, and I have the flu. Wait, I'm going to cry. I'm listening.

No.

I—okay, now I—okay, now I feel like that bad friend is, like, it's like, "I fuck what everyone said."

I'm just—

Wait, did everyone hate it?

No, no, no. I'm on positive time.

Wait, I'm literally crying.

Wait, now I feel so bad. No, no, no.

I think I'm so sick.

You're like, "I don't have the capacity for this." No, no, no. Everyone loved it. Paige, everyone loved it.

I just saw an Instagram of a—

No, she's, like, really crying right now.

Wait, I've never seen you cry before. This Azara skirt is what—it would be Azara skirt.

It was a dress.

No.

No, I can't—

I actually saw zero negative feedback. I just got a TikTok from a giggler saying, like, "How dare anyone not like Paige's dress? She's perfect." And so I never actually saw anyone not like it. I think the gigglers were just standing ten toes down.

I'm just—I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

No, don't—

Because we are fragile in this world.

And I'm hot, and then I'm cold, and—

No, I think you have a fever, babe.

No, I think I have a fever.

Before you black out, I want to talk about Love Is Blind.

Wait, I need to say about my dress really quick.

Yes, I was kidding.

Okay. I saw it on Zara, like, a month ago, and I was like, "Ah, that's the coolest dress ever." Also, H&M is, like, really popping off right now. Whatever. And I saw it, and I was like, "I don't know why."

Where did your tears baby?

I don't know. Fix your crown.

She's like, "H&M is really good stuff right now while wiping her tears."

And I was like, "I don't know where I'm going to wear it, but I'm going to wear it somewhere." And then when Daphne was like, "We have to do something for your birthday. That's when we're launching black," I was like, "Oh my God, I actually will, because I have the perfect outfit."

I actually would have loved that with, like, a diamond necklace for Radio City last year. Like, that could have been iconic for, like, the—

Yeah, it was giving, like, a little old school. I mean, did I like giving Zara $350? No, because I feel like that's, like, not—that's—

Wait, I feel like—

You go to Zara for the—

Ten years ago?

Or whatever.

Did Zara even have stuff for $350?

No. But now they do, like, these collabs with, like, random—not random, but, like, different designers and brands and stuff. And it was, like, a collab, but I forget who it even was.

Yeah. And it was—

It was sickening.

It was—well, okay, can we also say, before this turns again, we got on and Grace and I were like, "Paige, you looked so fucking beautiful at your birthday party."

Thank you.

The outfit, the glam, the lighting. Like, something about it was just regal. And Paige was like, "Can you wait till we start recording? Thank you." And then she put on this whole act, tears. She's like, "I'm in actress."

No, that was really good.

And for anyone who's worried about our show coming up, that was an Oscar performance by Paige DeSora. But no, she has the flu, and she's actually, like, really fragile right now.

I'm really fragile.

No, but this is what happens when you over-socialize. You crack.

Yeah. No, I just had two filming days this week that were super long, and I am such a sensitive—I have such a—this is what I'm saying. I need to build my stamina up for tour. I'm not going to make it. That's why I've been lifting weights. I've been trying to, like, go on walks, eat healthy, and then I got taken out by the—well, I've also had a stuffy nose for three weeks. I want to die.

Yeah.

And then this week I really—I pushed it to the limit.

You pushed it. And there's something about, like, when you have to be on. There's one thing where, like, you're working, like, when you have, like, email days or editing days, but when you have to be on camera and, like, it takes a different level of, like, guttural effort to, like, shine on camera that, like, you only have so much battery for.

You only have so many tries until they're like, "You suck." Like, so, like, when you're filming something, they're like, "And right here would be a perfect time to say something hilarious." And I'm like, "Ah, okay."

Well, yeah, you're, like, riffing, doing full improv in your interviews and stuff.

What did you want to say about Love Is Blind? Because I wanted to say one other thing too.

So I watched the finale.

Oh, I actually haven't even watched it.

I watched the finale. I guess I shouldn't tell people what happened. It's, like, too soon.

Why?

Okay.

No, it's Friday.

Everyone hates each other.

Wednesday.

Everyone hates each other.

Yeah. Yeah.

Obviously Wilney and—

Wait, who got married?

Well, let me tell you last.

Okay.

Wilney and Wilson never liked each other. Like, the second they saw each other, they didn't like each other. So the breakups are so awkward because they're like, "We're not doing this, right?" And then the person's like, "Yeah, we're not." And I'm like, "Okay, then why did we film the last—" whatever, get screen time.

Yeah. Well, he—his girl, the one he—the girl he actually really liked, I think she left, right? And then he picked her. Yeah, from that moment.

And from the very beginning, she was like, "You don't—you didn't really pick me, did you?" And he's like, "No, I did." And then obviously the pirate guy who lives on a boat.

Yeah. Wait, I saw on TikTok that he worked on, like, Yacht Week boats. Yacht Week was a very pivotal moment in my 20s. I am, like, I know exactly this man now.

Tell us.

He's like—and this is a term my dad says—he's a good time Charlie. Like, he would.

Did you just call him a whore? You're like, "He wears little tight shorts at the gym."

He's a good time Charlie. No, like, you can tell.

Good time Charlie.

He's all about having fun, and he's not trying to slow down. Like, that's why he still wants to work on these boats and be away for however many months.

He was one of those guys that was too calm in the process that you're like, either he's an angel or, like, he is deviant and actually, like, completely removed.

Yeah.

Like, he never got upset. He never got worked up. And you were like, "Is he calm or is he, like, evil?"

Like, I feel like he had no intention of really getting married unless someone who he didn't have to bend anything for came along. And that's just, like, not realistic.

And he didn't choose the one Serbian girl who was like, "I'm down to party."

I thought more was going to happen when they saw each other for the first time.

Well, she actually was like, "Fuck you, dude. You didn't pick me." And I'm not, like—because it is kind of, like, fun to be like, "Yeah, he didn't see me, and now that he saw me, he might like me." But it's actually way more hurtful for someone to be like, "I learned all about your life, and I don't fuck with you." Like, for a guy to do that and then be like, "Wait, I didn't know you have kind of nice lips." I'd be like, "Go fuck yourself." Like.

Yeah.

You learned my soul, and you were like, "Eh, pass."

Not for me.

Check, please.

Definitely. Yeah.

But I think the pirate guy is a learning lesson in what I've experienced with relationships where in the very beginning, you ever talk to your friend and she's like, "He's great, but there's this one little thing," but, like, whatever. That one little thing that annoys you in the beginning will always be the downfall of the relationship.

100%.

And whatever—like, even, like, a neighor in the very beginning be like, "Yeah, my parents don't approve, but, like, we'll figure it out." You get to the altar, she's like, "My parents aren't here, and they don't approve of you."

Yes.

And then with Blake, they're like, "But how would we actually live a life if you're gone, like, for six months out of the year?" And he's like, "We'll figure it out."

Sorry, I'm just thinking of, like, applying that rule to my life. And it's like, in my 20s, you're saying it's like these small things. And in my 20s, I'm like, "Okay, he's a drug addict, but, like, I feel like we'll figure that out." Like, he's—he's, like, a really intense alcoholic. Like.

He's gone through a lot, and he's strong from it. And it's like he's still in the throes of addiction, babe.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then even the other relationship that got married was.

Who?

John and Sarah, who was the one in the very beginning that she's like, "Do you believe in abortion?" And he's like.

Yeah.

"Maybe if she's, like, 12."

12.

And she was like, "Well, obviously if she's 12."

He was like, "Actually, don't believe in modern healthcare." She's like, "Cool, cool, cool. I'm a nurse."

No, he literally was like, "I don't believe in science. I can be convinced, but I don't believe in science." And she's like, "I am a scientist."

Yep.

"But we could probably figure this out because I like that you're open to hearing me." So that's—I have no faith in that relationship.

Yeah, no, me neither. And the reunion is next week.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So she goes.

So we'll see.

He doesn't believe in science, but then he got diagnosed with MS and had to go to the hospital and was like, "Maybe science is onto something." And Love Is Blind is so devious because, like, right when they're getting their makeup done to walk down the altar, they have the family members ask, like, the most intense questions. Like, the girl's like, "Does he believe in women's rights, though?"

He doesn't.

And something pissed me off. I think it was the dad who said, "It's just going to be so great when you see your wife walk down the aisle and you realize she's yours." I didn't like that.

Oh, wait. Oh my God.

I didn't like that at all. Like, you don't own her. She's not yours.

Yeah.

It was a very, like—I didn't like the verbiage. And also, reality TV, you never know. Like, you say stupid shit, and people could take it and go with it forever.

Right. He could have meant, like, that that's your wife for the rest of your life. Like, he could have meant it in a sweet way, but yeah.

But it was, like, one of many comments that were, like, along those lines. And I just feel like Sarah is an angel. I just feel like Sarah—you shouldn't feel like you have to conform so much to a man.

Yeah.

There's too many men to settle for a guy that's injecting raw milk and, like, doesn't believe in vaccines until it helps him.

No. I don't know if you get more cynical as you get older, but, like, as I get older, I actually don't think you should have to compromise anything. Like, no.

No.

Like, no.

No.

Like, major, big things, no.

No.

Like, what then? What are we doing? I'll go find someone else.

Well, a neighor was really hilarious because her sister comes in while she's getting makeup done, and her sister's like, "I don't feel good about this. I don't think—"

Yeah.

Everyone else is like, "Whatever you go with, we support you. We believe in you. We're here for you." The sister's like, "I'm not here for you. Don't love this. Our parents don't love this."

Which is how I think a sister should act.

Well, when cameras are on, people go two types of ways. They either go full, like, "Let me just, like, finish this filming and do what needs to be done, and then I'll deal with it later." And then some people are like, "I actually have to speak up right now, even though I could look like a really bad villain." And the whole time they're cutting back to the sister. Like, the sister just put everything on the table and was like, "I don't fuck with this."

Sorry, I was just looking for my Vics. I wasn't trying to not listen to you.

No, it's okay. It's—I know how important your Vics is.

It's really important to me, and I don't know why.

You and Vic are in a very serious relationship right now.

It's in my bed somewhere, but I don't know.

So a neighor basically gives this long speech about how great he is, and then she says no. And Cam looks like hurt, which was confusing for me because I was like, "Y'all—y'all have been fighting nonstop."

Yeah. Yeah.

So he was, like, hurt, but I think his thing was like, "Okay, now we're breaking up." So then she—after she says no, they come back together later on, and she's like, "What's wrong?" And he's like, "Yeah, I'm kind of upset." And she's like, "Why?"

I think she's, like, sweet. Sometimes she does this, like, in—like, childlike.

I think she's anxious. She has bad anxiety, and that's, like, how she tries to, like, soften, you know? But, like, it was just so funny because then he can't communicate. He can't be like, "You just broke up with me on national television." She's like, "You're acting weird." And he's like, "Yeah." He doesn't know how to talk, so he's, like, bubbling, like, "Yeah, I don't—I don't—I don't know."

Wait, yeah. He doesn't know how to talk.

Why are you acting weird? So you're watching two people that it's ironic that, like, the communication style. I thought of something for Love Is Blind that I think would be good. I love it. I'm so deep in Love Is Blind right now, but she basically was like the Cam in the pods that I fell in love with, who was open and talkative and honest. Like, the second we were out of the pods, he, like, clammed up. I feel like instead of putting them at the altar, even though, like, it is good TV, I think it should end with them back in the pods and having to talk to each other to be like, "Do we want to continue this relationship or not?"

Hannah, that's very creative. I like that.

Just my producer brain. I just feel like I want to put them back in the pods after experiencing everything to be like, "How different is this conversation now?"

You know, I really like that. I like that a lot.

Thanks. Because I'm like, "Is that the same guy you fell in love with?"

Yeah.

Oh, and then Blake, when they break up, because she's like, "You're going to be gone for six months. This isn't going to work out." And he's like, "I know." He's then sitting on the kitchen counter, which is weird.

Yeah, why'd they do that to him? Why'd they put him up there, like a little elf on the shelf? Why'd they do that?

And Blake's just dangling. Like, I couldn't take it seriously. I think it's because he probably was like, "Can I just jump up?" Like, he doesn't give a fuck. He's like, "I don't want to be on land right now. Can I sit on this counter?"

No. This is, like, sometimes when men put their legs in, like, very normal positions that, like, legs go in, it gives me, like, a major ick. Like, my ick's—this is so weird. My ick's are around, like, walking, sitting, anything with your legs. I find I get more ick's, and it has to do with their legs. Isn't that weird?

I do get ick's with how a guy walks. Like, you can tell when they're not athletic by just how they strut. I'm like, "Why is that foot kind of angled the wrong way?" But when girls have a weird walk, I'm like, "She's a dancer."

I can tell that you didn't—you weren't good at a sport in, like, high school, college. Like, and it's kind of an ick to me.

I am kind of obsessed with hands, though. Like, I like them. I don't want them dainti-er than mine. And mine are already not dainty, so that's—I mean, I'm readily, like, 95% of the male population is out.

Right.

I don't like when their nails are not cut because I'm like, "What are you doing? Just, like, fucking guillotining girls out here?" And I don't like when they look dirty, obviously. I don't like when they look sticky. You just tell when a guy's hand is sticky. I don't mind clammy because that means you're a little nervous, but sticky is, like, crusty.

I don't like when they try and walk really fast, but not run. Like, it's like just, like, a quick little walk. Like, I don't know. There's something—I've seen it. I can't describe it, but I don't like that. I don't like when they cross their legs in certain situations. Some situations, I'm like, "Okay, I get it," but, like, it's the way they do it.

Some situations, I'm like, "Daddy." I like when they cross.

Yeah, sometimes it looks almost—and I hate that I'm going to say this word. I'm not even going to say the—I'm actually not going to say the word. I was going to say alpha.

No, don't say that.

Sorry. I'm not going to say that.

Can you bleep that out, Grace?

No, but, like, they look in charge of a situation in some sense.

Yeah. And they look comfortable with their sexuality. Speaking of sexuality, did you see Zach and Jen are divorcing?

Wait, she's also, like, going rogue on TikTok and posting, like, all these videos of, like, when he was, like, has done things that are mean to her that she has on camera.

Well, Zach posted a video, and he—

What'd he say?

So it all started because he was kind of getting ahead of it and was like, "Hey, guys. It's Zach. I'm, like, so sad that we couldn't make this work because, like, when I met her, she was obviously the one for me. And then, like, I regret things I've done in the past, but, like, I think Jen's going to be super successful, and we're going to co-parent. Everything's for our kids." And he's in, like, a hoodie, and then his, like, blonde hair is, like, styled out in the front. Like, you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

So then Jen immediately posts a video of him telling her she needs to do laundry.

So wait, I don't know if I saw the laundry one. I saw the one in the kitchen that was like, "Don't post that. You look—well, you're going to post wearing that."

He said her boobs look saggy in that kitchen. By the way, I've been jet-lagged, so I've been up since 5:00 AM doing this research for the team. Because after imagine having two babies and your husband being like, "You're going to post that your boobs look saggy." By the way, can't see her boobs in it. She's wearing a robe. Also, pretty sure when you have boobs, that's what they do. No, I know. So people are already out after that, but then she posts when these girls are doing these Get Ready With Me's, "Fuck you, Pete Davidson," because these Get Ready With Me's, you get a lot of footage, right?

Yeah.

So she took an outtake from a Get Ready With Me where he walks behind her, and he's like, "Why is that towel on the floor?" And she goes, "Oh, it's dirty." And he's like, "Can you put it on the counter?" And she's like, "Okay." And he's like, "Are there no fresh towels?" And she's like, "Not right now. Like, you can try doing laundry for once." And he, like, gets mad at her.

I don't get what he does, though. He doesn't work. No, I'm not even—like, no, he doesn't work. He, like, is mad. He has to take care of kids. He obviously doesn't cook or clean. What does he do all day? He was going to go to medical school. He didn't. He just—what does he do? Like, what fills his days?

Well, now he's like, "I'm excited to consider medical school. I also can start a business." Like, he goes, "I even talk—we're talking to Netflix about doing, like, a divorce dads of mom talk." Just kidding. That's a joke. No, I—part of me feels mean because, like, we don't really know what their relationship is, but I don't trust a man who goes on camera. I don't trust a man that goes on camera and tries to, like, say his side. If you're going on camera after something happened and trying to say your side, what are you—who did you murder?

I'm too sick.

Who's in your basement? You're too sick for this. You're at capacity.

Don't get me. Don't get me going. Please.

Are you crying again?

Yeah.

Also, Whitney just announced a Hulu show.

I love it. I mean, her revenge is honestly—I'm looking at her.

I'm crazy.

Yeah. I'm like, "We're good."

I'm like, "Whitney, you're in the team, baby. We love you, baby."

I feel like we're—I feel like we're the same, same, but different.

It's sympathetical.

I'm like, "Yeah, keep stepping on the necks."

I saw, like—I love when, in hindsight, they can pull footage from when people are, like, really mean to someone, and, like, everyone hates that one person. And it was her being like, "I'm going to start my own mom talk," and all the girls are like, "You fucking idiot. Like, you stupid, stupid little dumb bitch." And it has—it has, like, the music, and then it cuts to Whitney being like, "I got my show."

Speaking of, like, reality TV and you can go back and find clips, have you seen the John and K+8 stuff?

Anything involving children really gets me upset, and I can't get myself to click on it.

Oh my God. Okay, I just think it's so ironic how things happen because what are the chances that the story years ago was that John had cheated on Kate with this girl, Hailey, when in reality that never happened, and now that Hailey woman, Hailey Glassman, is on Real Housewives of New York City? And the son just released that book, so he's out doing podcasts, and now John is going on podcasts and being like Ruby Frankie, who got arrested for abusing her children.

Well, because when the internet decides something, it's very hard to, like, get more information out there once people have already picked a side. So it's like once everything settles, then they're able to, like, get a new narrative kind of thing.

Yes.

But the kids on reality TV is tough.

Totally.

It's really tough.

I mean, you can watch any clip, though, from that show and be like, "Yeah, she's the scariest mom ever."

Was that TLC?

But I feel like you knew that then too. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, TLC. I never felt clean after watching a show on TLC. I never was like, "Oh, I'm closer to God."

TLC did put us in weird situations. I'm like.

When the woman was, like, eating cat litter.

I was just going to say.

No one's calling the hospital.

She's eating a couch.

I remember watching My Strange Addiction and turning it off and being like, "You know, you're not doing so bad." I'm like, "Yeah, we're dealing with some stuff here, but at least the couch isn't looking good right now."

Do you know that, like, if you crave things that aren't food, you have certain things wrong with your body?

Yeah.

Like.

Yeah.

No, like.

Yeah, I saw, yeah.

No, like, I just saw a girl that said she craves ice chips, and all the comments were like, "You might be iron deficient."

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But at least ice chips is water.

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

Wait, shout out to reality TV people. I decided yesterday I'm going to Sobey Cats to volunteer, walk in, see this beautiful girl cleaning cat litter. She turns, she goes, "Hey, Hannah. It's Juliet Porter, famously from Siesta Key, who's been a giggler since day one."

My fucking sweet girl.

She's like, "What's up?" And I'm like, "Hi, Juliet Porter." So we're, like, petting cats, cleaning litter, gossiping.

Wait, I didn't know she had a cat.

She does, and she wants another one, so obviously I'm the worst person to meet because I'm literally, like—we're, like, shopping these rescue cats. I'm like, "She's adorable. She would look good here. He's cute."

I love Juliet. People don't put enough respect on her name for carrying an entire series of a show.

On MTV.

I couldn't name one other person on that show.

I actually liked her face, which is like, you were like the it girl on that show. Like, when you walked on the screen, everyone was like, "And she arrived."

No one had any story without her.

She was 17 when they shot the pilot.

No, that's so—she was like the original—she was the original Tell Me Lies girl. Like, when I watch Tell Me Lies, I think of Juliet.

Yeah, she's stunning, gorgeous, charitable. So shout out to Juliet. We love you, of course. She's a giggler. I did watch a fucked-up documentary.

Are you going to say the Natalie Holloway one?

Yeah.

I only watched the first episode, and it's upsetting to me. No, I'm going to cry.

She's crying again.

No, it's so upsetting.

It is. No, it's diabolical. And of course, not giving it away, this already happened, but the guy who did it, they didn't get, and then he killed someone else. So.

How many episodes are there?

Three.

Okay, I'm starting the second one. I have a lot to watch today. I'm actually really excited. I, like, didn't watch any TV this week.

When you texted me that you're, like, sick and dying, I was like, "You need to shut the light, get kidding, put your shows on."

I need 48 hours in the dark.

72, I would argue.

Yeah, that wasn't good.

I actually have been wasting a lot of time, and I'm putting the foot down because I've been wasting a lot of time watching these particular videos. I don't know if they come up across on your algorithm.

Yeah.

It's like a group of people singing, and everyone has a number, and you got to pick which person is singing.

Oh, I have seen those. I love those videos. But they never tell you at the end.

They never tell you.

It really pisses me off.

You waste, like, four minutes watching it. You never know the answer. And now I'm at the point where I'm like, it comes up, and I'm like, "I can't do this right now."

Yeah, I can't get invested.

I can't. I don't have six minutes on my hands to be bamboozled and led astray. Sometimes it is very obvious, and you feel like you're like, "I'm better than people." I knew who it was.

If you're not giving the ending, what's the point of the goddamn video?

I more get a kick out of going scrolling through comments, and people are like, "It's definitely number six," and you look at six, and you're like, "It's not number six. You dummy. How could you think it's number six?" And then you realize you can't respect what people say online.

No, sometimes you'll be looking at something, and you'll realize, "Wow. Don't take it to heart. That person's stupid. People are stupid."

Do you know there's a site in South Korea where you can go on and place fake orders, like shopping online, just for dopamine hits?

What?

So, like, if you.

What does that mean?

If you want to feel something.

Basically, they're like, "You've been ordering too much shit online." You fake shop on a website, and then you click order, but then it never comes.

Yeah, which I would argue after you get some stuff on Amazon, you forget you ordered it, but you got the hit. Once it comes, you don't even want to open the box. You don't even know what it was.

Send me this website. Text it to me.

I just want to see something.

I want to do some research. I just want to see something real quick. I just want to see something.

And you get the order confirmation, and it says, "Thanks for shopping with us." And you feel like you made a decision. You pick something. You feel like you're hunting and gathering. It might be genius. I'm going to send it to my friend, Hailey.

Okay, I like that kind of.

I know.

I was just going to say something. Fuck. What were we talking about before that?

Aruba, murders, eating couches.

Also, I realized that I'm the type of person that if you give me a birthday gift in that moment, I'm opening it.

Yeah.

I'm opening it.

Oh, for sure. For sure.

And one of my girlfriends said, "Oh, you're opening it right now." And I go, "You just handed it to me." And she goes, "No, I like that." But some people, like, will be like, "Oh my God, yeah, and I'll open it later." I'm like, "Yeah, but half the fun of getting someone a gift is."

Is pretending you liked it.

No, it's.

No, it's seeing their reaction.

That's so cute.

I always wanted a hair braid made out of metal flowers.

No, like, and my one girlfriend got me, like, some stationery. And I was like, and like a little booklet.

Everyone got you stationery.

Oh, I loved that. But what I was going to say is my hands-down favorite gift from any of my friends. Taylor made me pasta with broccoli and then chicken cutlets.

No, she wins. Because that's made with love.

Wait, and I'm going to show it because I was eating it last night, and I'll never be able to finish it all.

That's made with a towel. Oh my God. Oh, why is that?

I was eating it.

In your bedside? You just pulled that out from under the covers.

It's my birthday. Leave me alone. And then she made me, like, 20 chicken cutlets, and it was just the best.

That's the equivalent of she left a lasagna on your soup.

Yes. Yes.

I also, I have presents for you that you haven't gotten, so.

Which I'm excited to open. Also, my mom got me, like, a full mahjong set, so we can start.

If you want to get into mahjong.

Thank you. Yeah, I do.

So my mom has apparently gotten, like, kind of good at it.

Really good.

And she's getting invited to, like, more advanced mahjong groups, and people are starting to talk in the community about, like, how Lenore is kind of like a killer.

Okay.

She's calling me being like, "I won the first three games. I tied the second." Like, she's in it.

As soon as I get an outfit to match my mahjong set, then we'll start playing.

We need two more people, though. You have to have four, so we have to have, like, a good gossip group.

Okay, then we'll have to hold auditions. Off the top of my head, I can't think of anyone.

Imagine we get Joe and Dez to play mahjong with us. That's how my divorce starts because I flipped the mahjong table.

Yeah, I don't think I should open that can of worms. I don't think Joe knows I'm as competitive as I am.

Dez and I played Scrabble, and he beat me. But I'm coming to realize I'm, like, really bad at Scrabble because I'm 0 for 2 this year. So that's on me. But he also walked off. I felt like he didn't say anything, but I felt like he was like, "All right, I'm on to Scrabble."

How often are you playing games in your home? Because I feel like that games were talked about more and played more when we were younger.

In the movies.

Yeah, but obviously, like, there's so much social media and, like, technology now. But, like, I really think, and Josephine is always trying to get me to play games. Like, we're in the middle of something. She's like, "Let's play cards." I'm like, "We're working, Josephine." But, like, I do feel like we should start playing more games. I think it adds whimsy.

I think it adds whimsy. Well, our favorite game was on my bachelorette when Hailey was like, "Let's play a church game." And I was like, "They're trying to get me to do heroin right now."

No, when we just sat and played church games.

At the end of my bachelorette, that was the best time.

I was like, "I'm happy and not only proud and happy to be a woman."

And close to God.

I feel I know what my purpose is in life.

We're going to heaven. We have community. We have guidance. We have support. I bought Monchala.

What is that?

You know what Monchala is? I don't know, but it's a game that, like, I used to play with. It has really pretty, like, rocks. They're not rocks. They're like gems, gemstones.

Okay.

So I'm like, "This is aesthetically nice, and it's a game." But I have to, like, convince Dez to play. I want to play Gin Rami.

Wait, I'm dying. I'm sorry. It's Mankala.

God.

And that's the voice of God.

Okay, that just scared the shit out of me because Grace has never once been like, "I need to."

You pronounced it so egregiously wrong. She was like, "And I don't stand for this. This is crazy."

I can't support this pocket.

And it's so me. I'm like, "Never heard of her."

You got Monchala. I think I went to kindergarten with a girl named Monchala.

I'm like, "That just made me hungry, kind of."

I love how we've said so many stupid things on this pod, and Grace was like, "And I've had enough."

And that was the moment. And then she didn't say anything else ever again.

She's left.

She said, "You're a fucking idiot."

I quit. And she's gone.

This is my two weeks, you stupid bitch. It's really, it's not, this isn't what made her go. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back, you know? There's more to the story here. There's more to the story.

The voice. The voice. Grace needs a documentary.

Yeah. She needs a raise, certainly.

I can't breathe.

She needs a personal day or two.

I can't breathe.

Okay, what is the game? Like, we've gone off track.

I don't know. It's like, it's not important.

Yeah.

It's not important. Are you going to do my gym class? You said you were working out.

I can't.

With Tune Day.

I can't right now. I can't right now. Are you back on regular time, or what's your?

I woke up at 6:00 a.m., which is, like, really good for me.

That's nice.

I've been waking up at 3:00, which, honestly, it's kind of fucking fun. Like, me and Butter were just, like, doing whatever we wanted. It was still dark out.

What time are you falling asleep?

Fighting for my life at, like, 7:30 p.m. My mom's visiting, so she's, like, making me go out to dinner, which is not making me. Like, I love going out to dinner. It's my number one hobby. But we're sitting at dinner, and I'm like, I'm like, "Dez, at the tasting menu."

Yeah, you're like, "I am hungry."

I have nothing left to give.

Yeah.

By the way, speaking of restaurants, there are two types of people. People who look at the menu beforehand. People who like to be surprised when they get there and make a game-time decision. Who are you? You're too anxious to eat.

I'm not looking at the menu before.

Yeah, I'm not. I have type A friends who are like, "Where are we going? Okay, I planned out what I'm ordering."

Like, have I sometimes? Yeah. Like, actually, like, for my birthday, I did a little staycation, and I went out to dinner, and I looked up, actually, the dessert menu because I wanted to see if they had one specific thing I was craving.

Yes. Also, sometimes I will choose a restaurant based on a dish, like on a braid.

Yes.

I'm like, "I need chicken parmesan. Let's find which one," or whatever.

Actually, I went to this new restaurant in New York City, and it was, like, so vibey. And they have one in Miami, and they have one in LA, but the waiters all wear, like, 1950s uniforms, and I like that. Like, I like, and they have, like, live singers.

Of course, you choose a restaurant based on the outfits.

Well, I liked the aesthetic.

Did you go to Delilah's?

Yeah.

Cool.

But in New York, it's called Lady Delilah, or is it called that everywhere? Well, whatever. But I really, it was really fun. And, like, the perfect, I met a ton of gigglers. And, like, the perfect place, I feel like, for drinks with your girlfriends. And, like, you go up to the bar, and then if you meet someone, you meet someone, you know?

Okay, love is blind.

Yeah.

Also, in my notes, I have to just read this out loud. I wrote, "People who love quiches versus people who don't." There's two types of people in this world, quiche people and non-quiche people.

I don't know anyone that doesn't like a quiche.

But I don't think everyone, if they see a quiche on the menu, is or is like, "See, I'm a quiche girl. If there's a quiche on the menu, I'm getting the quiche Lorraine."

Oh, I'm getting that quiche Lorraine.

Also, it's so feminist that they're always girls' names. It's like quiche Lorraine, quiche Sophia.

It's very French of them. I'm also, I'm not a stranger to a croque madame.

See, that might have too much.

Obviously, that's not a quiche, but.

But isn't that like a sandwich with, like, a lot of melted cheese?

It's like an open-faced sandwich, I think.

So lazy sandwich.

No, but I love a French breakfast.

Imagine if it was like quiche Lorraine, quiche Sophia, quiche Jason.

Get him out of here.

Get him out of here. Burn it.

You know, it's really easy, I think, to make a quiche.

Really? But it's like a pie. It's like layers. Oh, no. Are you going to get into quiche making?

I just had a thought.

You could decorate the top of it. That's actually cute as hell.

I could make, I think I might start getting into the quiche game. I think I could do it.

I could see myself getting into the sourdough game because I like getting into things that are popular four years ago.

Yeah.

I also, after going to Asia, I'm, like, really inspired to cook all these, like, Asian dishes, but there's so many spices. I don't even know how to begin to, when you go to the grocery store, like.

Yeah, you have to go, I think you have to go to, like, a special grocery store and get the right good ones.

Yeah, to get the good good.

Yeah.

Yeah. So that's what I'm dealing with right now at the moment.

Okay, well, I'm going to try not to cry for the rest of the day and just, like, maybe take some Advil, Tylenol. Who knows what I'll get into.

I feel like no man has ever been brought to full tears during a pod and recovered so quickly and seamlessly. So shout out to you. And sorry for being the reason you cried. What did you do with Hannah for your birthday? She made me cry over an internet rumor.

No, I know better than a man when I'm sick. And so I'm just, like, my whole face hurts. My ears hurt. My eyes hurt. Like.

No, I'm sorry that I even made you podcast.

No.

Go to sleep.

No, I have a job. Women keep, women just keep pushing through.

We show up. We lean in.

We lean in. We show up.

Well, enjoy your pasta in bed. We love you so much. Thanks for giggling, and we'll talk to you guys later.

Bye.

Bye.