Transcript of Giggling about squatting, stationery, and suppositories

Sup, Giggly.

Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit.

We can't be managed. I mean, the day just... got away from me.

Hello, my glorious Giggly Satanah from the future. She's back, bitches.

She's a time traveler. She's back in the past. She's going to tell us what she's learned.

You guys, I don't understand time. That was crazy.

Me neither.

But I do have to say, the fli— I took a 14-hour flight from Hong Kong to Dallas.

Yeah.

Easiest flight of my life. I fucking—

You slept the whole time?

Slept the whole time.

Like, you don't take a melatonin for, like, that type of flight.

Honey, this is natural talent, okay? This is my God-given talent that I can— I have depression.

No.

Turn off a light, I'm out.

What time was it when you took off, like, in Hong Kong? Like, what time of day? Like, was it night, morning?

4:00 p.m. in Hong Kong.

Okay.

And I ordered some Dan Dan noodles. If you don't know what Dan Dan noodles are, shout-out Dan Dan. They are, um, peanut noodles hot with chili sauce. It was the dessert. And I was—

You ordered them on the plane?

No, at the, like, at the lounge.

Mm-hmm.

I was injecting it into my veins. And as I was eating it, I was like, this is going to put me to sleep. Like, I was like, this potion is going to be what I need.

And then— we love a noodle.

I had this, like, sesame bun, and I was like, what if I just dipped it in? And I looked around and, like, no one else was dipping it. And I'm like, this is so Italian of me. I was like.

What is that? That's— there is, like, a word for that.

The— carbs?

Scarpetta, I think, is the word. That's, like, to sop up.

I was soping up the juices.

Yeah.

I was— look, I was blending all the cultures that are within me. But then I landed in Dallas and I was like, you uncultured swines. It was— and look, shout-out to my Texas girls. I love you.

Of course. You know I love Dallas.

We l— oh, you love—

I love Dallas.

Even though we, um—

We believe in abortion.

Speaking of, make sure you guys vote today. I'm voting.

Yes.

I'm voting right after this.

Hell yeah.

Scurrying myself to the polls. The only time I like waiting in line.

Is scurrying to the polls.

Scurrying to the polls and then getting a fucking sticker.

You want to know something? I need to start voting in person more because I'm missing the vibes. I only voted one time in person for Barack Obama. And honestly, I remember standing there with my dad saying, "Who are you putting?" And I looked at his and then I put the same thing. But we got Barack Obama as a president, so maybe me and Gary should be in charge more.

People don't talk enough about when you're younger. You're just— your parents are like, "Vote, and this is who you vote for."

Well, it was my first time voting. I think I had just— it was, like, I think it was my birthday. Because I'm always on election day. And so I was— but then I was like, wait, what do I do? And my dad was like, "We're voting for Obama."

So you're voting— you're voting tomorrow. I mean, no, you— wait, you're brit— sorry. I got really thrown with dates because I'm, like, from the future.

Stop.

Okay, I left Hong Kong at 4:30 p.m. Sunday. I landed in Dallas at 4:50 p.m. Sunday. Tell me how that works.

You left at 4:00 in Hong Kong. You landed at 4:00. Oh, so you were only on the flight for 50 minutes. That's so nice.

Yeah. I had a 20-minute nap. Um, but then I— yeah, it was— you guys, I did it.

And not to mention we— we turned the clocks back all in, like, the midst of—

See, that was too much for me to handle.

That was—

That was too much. And then my mom had the nerve to be like, "Oh my God, they changed it by an hour." I'm, like, thrown. I'm like, "Oh." I was dealing with 12 hours.

You know, I was pretty thrown too.

I was dealing with 12 hours. Also, then Butter comes in. She's exhausted. She's so tired. She's sleeping all day, acting like she has a 12-hour jet lag. Um.

Yeah.

But this is the thing. I'm left to my own devices. I'm alone because Dez went to Australia, and I'm so fucking mad I couldn't go to Australia. I've never been. I want to go so late.

You wouldn't have been able to handle it.

No. But, like.

Your body wouldn't have been— your body would have shut down.

One thing about Dez is he, like, knows things. Like, he knows, like, okay, you should technically nap now. You shouldn't nap now. Like, don't drink coffee now. Like, he's good at the travel stuff. But I'm, like, alone and it's, like, 2:00 p.m. and I'm feeling tired and I'm like, what if I just— Butter and I have passed out. We were asleep all day yesterday, which is what you're not supposed to do. It's like the one rule. Dez was like, "Go outside for a walk." I was like, "Bye."

Do you ever find yourself, like, by yourself and.

My favorite thing to do.

Whether you have a significant other or not, yeah. But you're just, like, by yourself and you ever have, like, an internal monologue of, like, "Oh, actually, no one's in charge of me and I'll do whatever."

Every well.

Fuck I want.

And free will.

Whenever you, like, remember that you have free will, it's very liberating.

Yeah, the fun thing about marriage is, like, yeah, you're married, but, like, you're not always with that person. So there's, like, another identity you have.

Right.

When it's like, yes, I'm texting, I'm saying, "Miss you, babe," like, all this stuff. But at home, Butter and I are partying.

Oh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

That's why you can't have relationships with men. She's taking the mental load right now. This is what they call the mental load. She's trying to find his golf clubs when she's supposed to be working.

I'm so sorry.

I just did a speech about how you have to take on the mental load. Are you okay?

No, I'm not. I refuse to.

Did you have to go to the garage?

I'm taking on the mental load.

You—

I literally—

No, this is what happens when you choose love.

I hate men. They're so insufficient. Joe went golfing and just called me and goes, "I forgot my golf clubs." I go, "Was that the whole point of going?" So I had to bring them outside and put them in an Uber. No, I really— I can't. And my birthday is tomorrow, and so I'm having an existential crisis already of, like, what is my life? What do I want for it? And what I don't want is mental load.

Well, to make you feel better, I was shopping in Hong Kong, as I do.

Mm-hmm.

I don't shop for you. I like to send you links, but I'm not, like, buying stuff because.

Right.

Truly.

What do you mind?

I have, like, a— I have, like, a 5% hit rate of you being, like, cute.

Successful.

But you still don't even want it. But you'll be like, "Okay, like, I see what you—"

Yeah.

"I see what you're going with that."

And I've known them that.

And I like to just page bait and, like, send you something crazy I want you to wear, and then you send me a stark email on the side.

Well, you're clogging up my messages with nonsense.

So I go to this vintage shop called Hula. It's incredible. It's like the real real of Hong Kong. And.

Yeah.

There was this bag that was, like— you know when you see a bag and it's like.

Speaking to you.

Like, it was glowing. Speaking to me.

Yeah.

But not for me.

She had an aura.

When I shop, I shop for you, my mom, and me. That's who I— and occasionally Grace.

Yeah.

And Butter. And Nana. So.

And Lilis.

This— but this thing, I'm not, like, a pink girl in my heart, but I'm like, if I was a pink girl, I feel like that's the pink I would like.

Mm-hmm.

So I send a video to you, but obviously you're asleep because I'm, like, in the future. So then you caught up to the future and you text me and you're like, "I want that bag."

Yeah.

So I— I say, "Dez, cancel your plans. We have to go back to that random vintage store." And he's like, "Why?" And I'm like, "Page actually likes this bag I found." And he understood how, like, momentous that was for me.

The camaraderie that we were having in that moment.

Yeah. And I felt like I was, like, trafficking a bag for my best friend from a foreign land.

So are you sourced a bag for me?

I was vintage sourcing for my fashionista friend. Like, this was actually, like, on the company. So it was so cute. And I, like, grabbed it and I grabbed this bag and they put it on the counter and it was, like, multiple women were walking by going.

That's a bag.

Cute bag. And then I'm like, "Oh, is this what it feels like to shop when you're Page?" Because I've never had that happen to me.

Can I just—

Like, I see something, someone's like, "Oh."

I'm so sick that I can remember being in the fourth grade and going into the gap and there was a suede, skirt, and jacket set. And my mom was like, "You have to get the set." And I was like, "Ugh, I don't know if I'm really liking it." And then I saw another girl trying it on and I was like.

You're like.

"Mine! Get the skirt back!" Yeah. You feel like you've, like, won. You've, like— it's like a race.

I found a cardigan and the guy who works there was like, "Oh, I was going to buy that for my partner." So, like, I was— I was fighting his husband for a sweater.

Yeah.

I got you the cutest bag. I can't wait to give it to you. But I got you something else for your birthday, even though you said and we said we're done with gifts for each other.

It's just the mental load. I can't take it.

The mental load.

That is so sweet. My whole life I'm just trying to ease my mental load.

The thing with gifting with you is, like, gifting is your love language. Like, gifting is not my love language.

Yeah.

But it's, like, I feel like I'm speaking your language by giving you a pink little vintage bag.

I'm halfway done with my Christmas shopping.

Yeah.

I haven't had Thanksgiving. I mean, Joseph, you made a whole Excel spreadsheet this year.

Wait, you're talking about for your, like, extended family?

Oh, everyone. Anyone— so I categorize them into different groups. So, like, everyone I work with will get the same gift of something. Then all, like, my doctors, my dentist, like, random people that are in my life, but, like, I'm not really, like, that close to, they get, like, candy. They get a separate gift.

People I met my place.

Then— yeah, like, I'll add them to the list.

In passing.

Then I have, like, actual family and friends and they get, like, individualized gifts. But then that's separate from, like, my Daphne business gifting. But, like, all my Daphne employees.

Oh, yes.

They're on, like, my work list and they'll get the same gift as, like, my agents and stuff like that.

You can't gift our agents and then not tell me you gifted the agents because then I look like a bitch.

I do gift my agents every year, so it.

Oh, that explains a lot.

Then—

See, I try to gift them by actually doing the work.

Someone needs to do the work.

And I'm like, "I can't just send thank you notes."

I'm like, "But what about a Saks gift card?"

You're like, "No, I will not be doing that brand deal. However, I did get you a really cute gift."

Here's a tray from Hermès. I hope you love it. Don't ever email me again.

Oh my God, are agents listening right now and being like, "That makes sense."

No, I love— I truly— gifting is my love language, but I think it is a double-edged sword because then when someone gets me a gift, I'm like.

Yeah.

"So you've never met me. You don't know intricate things about me."

Well, we're so different.

And I know everything to get you the perfect gift.

Yeah.

Like, I already have gotten— I've gotten Joe two Christmas gifts already that I'm like, "He's going to be like, 'Oh my God, you know me so well.'."

You're putting a lot of pressure on him. He's— can't even remember golf clubs to the golf club.

Right.

I'm stressed for him. I'm actually very stressed for him. I— it's funny though, like, this is us. You will never respond to an agent over text and I will be, like.

Yeah.

Responding immediately, like, making sure everything's okay, setting it up. But they will get the nicest gift of their life from you once a year and they're like, "Page is the best."

And a handwritten note.

And they're like, "Does Hannah even care? Does Hannah even care about our relationship?"

My Daphne designer, her name is Katie and she's like— she's just so fucking chic. It's crazy. But, like, two weeks ago, she brought me this, like, coffee table book and it was all different beds and, like, different bed setups. And she was like, "This is so you." And I just saw it and I was like, "I have to get it for you." And so she gave it to me and I was like, "That was so nice." And we actually have— our birthdays are, like, a day apart. And I mailed her a thank you note. And I actually recently just got new stationery, so I'm really excited about that.

So I was on Etsy for, like, two hours one day trying to find you, like, the perfect stationery, but I got, like— first of all, I psyched myself out.

I had to.

I know. Because I— I was like, "She's doing a custom, like, Louis Vuitton." Like, I don't know.

I had to.

But I basically was like your.

I had to have a custom.

I was— I was in over my head and then I was like, "The idea is there, but, like, if I got you, like, 400 stationery that you weren't going to use, that's really bad for the environment. But I want to let you know that I knew you wanted stationery."

So my current stationery.

Yeah, tell us the situation.

So inside of the Daphne box, when you buy something from Daphne, inside the box there's a drawing of Kitty that we own. Like, we bought the drawing for— like, we had someone make the drawing and, like, we own that drawing. So I took that drawing and I put it— I made up, like, a fake cardstock and it has a blue border because Daphne's colors are blue. Then it has Kitty, that drawing, at the bottom, so it looks like she's stretching on the border of the stationery.

See, I was going to do a Daphne photo, but I couldn't— I didn't do custom and I couldn't find one that looked exactly like her. Like, some of them, the nose was, like, not big enough. The eyes-to-nose ratio wasn't right.

Right.

And, like, Daphne is very specific in how she looks.

Yes.

As in the most beautiful cat in the world.

And she'll sue you, you know?

She'll sue you.

Likeness can't just be replicated.

She's like, "Cool." I was going to have it say, "From the desk of Page Audrey de Sorbo."

I do like "from the desk of."

I knew you would.

I did.

I knew you would. But I couldn't get it together. I couldn't get it together. Also, how thick is it? Because isn't that, like, a wealth status?

She's not wedding invitation thick, but she's substantial. I have 500 stationery and I divvied them out. So, like, the Daphne office has some in case they have to send a personalized note for me. Josephine has some in case she has to send a personalized note for me. And then I have some. I'll give you some too in case you need to send a note.

Thank you. Part of Josephine's training is getting your handwriting down exactly, which she's nailed.

Mm-hmm.

I watched American Psycho because I'm trying to understand Dez's culture, which is movies from the '90s.

Oh, have you never seen it?

No.

Mm-hmm.

It was— I really liked it. But it's very funny.

It's hilarious.

I thought it was supposed to be— no, I thought it was hilarious. The fact that they have this ongoing bit about, like, business cards and, like, "Oh, I got the business card with the gold on it."

Yeah.

Like, I don't know. It was— that's what you remind me of. Also, we have enough, like— look, we're entrepreneurs here. We love starting businesses for someone who's type B, like me, but wants to be like you in terms of thank you notes and stuff. I know that they have companies that are, like, thank you boxes and stuff, but, like, I really would love an easy, like, just put together, get a candle and a fucking thank you note and, like.

Yeah.

For, like, the perfect easy thank you that you could just, like, send all the time that isn't, like, crazy expensive.

Like a gift basket thank you. Like— like something in the same genre of, like, an edible arrangement, but not an edible arrangement.

Do you know what my mom loved? Larry— is it Larry? I was going to say Larry and David. Larry and David. Harry and David.

Harry and David, yeah.

Harry and David pairs. That was, like, her thing. She's like, "They're going to fucking love these pairs." She would send the gift basket.

There's only a couple companies that will do, like, gift baskets because I've looked them up online and it's not as overwhelming amount of companies as you would think. So, like, yeah, I think a girl could come in and streamline that business.

Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree. Also, speaking of businesses, I'm officially— it's not a business. It's my passion project from my heart and soul. I'm launching gym class Wednesday morning. We're working out. On Wednesdays we work out. You're going to do it. Butter's doing it. Butter just came in the room.

Hey, Butter.

We're getting our— I don't want to call us lazy asses, but sometimes it's hard to motivate yourself. So we are— I want the girls to hold hands on Wednesdays we're going to work out because working out gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't shoot their husbands. But if you do, there's normally a reason. You're like, "I could think of a hundred."

No, they're— I could think of— I could bringing golf clubs to the side— to the sidewalk.

You love that, man. You brought— you brought golf clubs downstairs into the road.

No, no, no. They were in the garage. No, they were in the garage. I just had to roll them out. But here's the kicker. The Uber driver didn't get out of the car to help me put it in the trunk, so I just lifted a bag full of golf clubs and put them in the trunk.

No.

So.

When you get a female Uber driver, do you let her put your bags in?

No.

See, because I'm like, "Girl, we're in this together."

I help her.

I say, "We're in this together. Girl, code."

I'm like, "You're smaller than me. What the hell are you going to do?"

I hate when that happens. They're like the tiniest person and I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no, no."

But when it's a man and they don't get out of the car, I'm like, "You're actually just making this process go longer because, yes, I can lift it, but it's— I'm slower to put it in and I'm like, "You're just rude." But, like, if a woman driver— if I have a woman Uber driver, yeah, and if she doesn't get out of the car, I don't even give it a second thought. I'm like, "Yeah, well, I could do it."

Wait, can we talk about something that's, like, kind of somber, but also, like, I just want to see what your take is?

Yeah.

Did you see the plane crash in West Palm?

All I saw was someone saying, like, "They weren't on the plane."

Okay, those are, like, weird crazy conspiracy theorists.

Yeah, I was in Hong Kong.

Yeah, your algorithm got switched up.

I really wasn't— what happened?

So there was a private plane that was going from Texas to the Bahamas and it's crazy because I was flying out of Florida that day back to New York and I woke up and I was like, "There's no way my flight is going." Like, it's thunder, it's lightning, it's, like, crazy weather. And I kept checking and it— like, the flights were getting delayed maybe, like, by 20, 25 minutes, nothing crazy. So I took off at, like, 1 o'clock. This happened at, like, 1:05.

But they kept showing her.

Well, they kept showing her picture and— and which, okay, yes, she was involved in the crash, but it wasn't solely her fault. And also, the comments under it were so crazy.

Mm-hmm.

Like, "This is why you don't— this is why you don't fly with a woman pilot. This is why, like, men should—" it almost felt like it was, like, bots. You're like, "Okay, no one thinks."

Yeah.

Like, "This poor 20-year-old young girl just died. Who the fuck is commenting, 'Oh, well, this is why I only fly with, like, male pilots'?" Like.

Also, you don't know who they are when you get in the flight, you dumb dumb.

I also feel like being a pilot is one of those industries that women have had to really fight to be seen as, like, as equal.

Yeah.

And so I just felt bad for, like, all the women pilots after this because it was like, "Okay, she wasn't even the main pilot and they're still getting blamed."

And they just like pushing that narrative.

Well, someone posted and it, like, really hit me hard and it was like, "Even in death, you will not escape misogyny."

Oh.

Jeez. And I was like, "Uh-uh."

You know what's so funny? And I was walking through so many airports this week because I'm a time traveler and.

Right.

I saw a couple women pilots. They look so cool because they're wearing, like, this uniform with the— you know, I love a tie— with a tie, but they're, like, tailored and, like, they look chic as fuck. Like, these girls are so cool. Like, I was, like, nervous around them. Like, I wanted to be like, "Hi, I'm a huge fan." Like, I just love their work and you just know how much harder they had to work to get where they are.

I think half the reason that Giggly Squad Live sold out is because if you're a woman and you're my pilot or my flight attendant and you ask me for Giggly Squad tickets, I've given them to you.

Like, I have given— I don't know what it is about flight attendants that are like, "I couldn't get a ticket" and I'm like, "Email me, babe."

Yeah.

I'll get you one. Like, there's just something about them that I'm like, "No, I'm going to help you."

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaking of Delta, something has gone awry. I don't know if it's because I recently— I'm renting this apartment and, like, in the move, I lost all my Delta headphones.

Yeah, thank God.

Paige, I need my Delta headphones to record this podcast and I had— wait, who's— someone's under attack. Your dog is attacking someone.

The dog. No. How dare you say my dog?

You're— it's yours. That's your dog, babe. That's your dog.

Another thing about mental load is I had to fly here with my cat, my personal cat. She's amazing at travel. She doesn't make a sound. She sits in her case.

No.

And then the dog saw that I was also on the flight and he was like, "Well, obviously I'm going to sit with her." So I'm taking care of both pets and my boyfriend, who is in the seat above me or seat in front of me, no pets. I'm like, "No, I'm not taking care of two cats."

You're romantha.

No, take your dog back.

You're romantha.

I was like, "No."

Can I bring up something traumatizing that came up in my feed recently?

Yeah.

Do you remember Saturdays are for the boys?

I'm going through a tough time right now.

No, that came across my desk and I was like, "No, no, no. How did—" do you remember, like, 2017 that was going on and no one— everyone was like, "Yeah, Saturdays are for the boys."

I feel like I hate myself and I feel like I even said it a couple times in college.

I feel like I somehow was walking past a huge flag that said it and might have taken a photo accidentally. Like, make sure that's nowhere on the internet. But that was just like.

Yeah.

What a time. What a time to be alive.

It was coupled with Smoke Show of the Week.

Oh, sorry. How did this get so dark? Let's just go.

Yeah, why did you do that? That just, like, really threw me off track.

Well, when something upsets me, I need everyone to know about it and that's my toxic dream.

Yeah, no, that just upset all of us for sure.

Well, I want it. I want people to know, like, how far we've come also. Like, there's positivity in it. Oh, I know what'll bring you joy. I brought— I had some, like, health tips from Hong Kong.

Yes.

So the Chinese are obsessed with when you wake up in the morning, similar to your hot, warm lemon tea, having a hot breakfast and hot liquids. They said waking up and, like, jolting your body with, like, a cold iced coffee, they're not about. So, like, every millennial's shaking right now.

Yeah.

They basically.

No, I know.

They have hot soup, hot tofu. They have this thing called congee, which is, like, this hot rice and, like.

Mm-hmm.

You could have hot oatmeal. They just think in the morning you need hot stuff to, like, get things moving in your stomach.

Yeah.

And comforting your insides. I mean, I don't know the science behind it, but they're basically, like, obsessed with warm things in the morning.

Not to sound out of touch for a second, but on my rider, I put— I have hot water with lemon because anytime I do a shoot and I have to be there for glam at, like, 6:00 AM and they're like, "Do you want a coffee?" I'm like, "I'll actually shit all over you." Like, no. So I need a hot water with lemon. Like, I can't be jolted by an iced coffee at 6:00 AM in a foreign place.

Lately, what I'm into when, like, you have to perform and stuff, but you can't eat because you'll shit yourself is I like just, like, a protein drink.

Yeah.

I like a protein drink, a little vanilla protein drink.

Like a shake.

Like, Fairlife has a really, really good protein shake that just tastes like a milkshake, but it's not— it's not unhealthy.

Is Fairlife regular milk or is that, like, lactose intolerant?

They have lactose-free. Like, the one I'm doing is lactose-free, but Fairlife has two things.

Yeah.

They have just, like, milk and then, like, a protein shake, but it's— it looks similar. So I've multiple times accidentally just grabbed the milk and I'm, like, drinking on a plane just, like, raw, just full milk, thinking it was going to be a protein shake.

Not raw.

Raw dogging life. Sorry, I'm not the guy from Love Is Blind.

No, that was great. I think they're— I think they're still together.

Okay, so I'm— I had— I watched it on the flight. I finally watched the scene of the guy having the mental breakdown. It's so reality TV though because I'm like, "What did he actually do?" Like, no one's saying it.

Well, you can tell the clips are cut up.

Cut up like crazy. You guys, when there's a straight man drunk yelling at people on national television, just know it was way worse.

In real life, it was 10 times worse.

It was— it was 20 times worse, but.

Yeah.

You'll see him be like, "What a woman!" and then some girl's like, "I'm so traumatized by what happened." It's like, yeah, that's not all he yelled.

Yeah.

Because when he— I was expecting something, like, horrible to happen, how everyone was reacting, but they didn't show it. But he clearly was going around being super inappropriate and, like, saying fucked up shit, but they didn't show it.

Yeah.

Also, he didn't, like, fully hit on the other girl. He just at one point, like, pulled his seat around, but I wonder why they were protecting him. Maybe just because it got too dark.

If I had to surmise being a reality TV veteran, it's not necessarily that they're protecting the awful man that did something. More so, they're protecting their own network.

Yeah, you're 100%.

They would get more backlash as the network of, like, "Why did you allow this to be aired to millions of people?"

Yeah.

It just works out for the bad man who's drunk yelling. It works out in their favor.

The truth isn't shown fully.

Yeah.

Also, the fact that Michaela is getting any hate, like, people are like, "She was a pick me." I'm like, "The second she saw him being a weirdo, she was like, 'I'm out.'"

She was out.

I thought she handled it.

Amazing.

I think it's such a good example for women to see how easy it is to actually just be like, "Yeah, I'm out."

Yeah.

Like, we watch so many relationships of women being like, "But I'm there for him. I'm there for him and he's my person and I'll make it work." And you're like, "Why is she torturing herself for years?" Like, it's actually so easy. Like.

I've tortured— I tortured myself so in so many relationships.

And let me edit that. It's not easy. It's not easy.

No.

It's actually very difficult. But once you see someone move on, you see how, like, oh, life goes on. Like, she hasn't lost her entire life. And when the other girl— she didn't mean to, but when she was like, "You have to start from scratch," I'm like, "She met this guy three weeks ago."

She's not.

She's invested eight years of her life with a family of kids. She can start over. Also, it takes one man one day.

I actually thought Michaela had more grace talking to that girl than she even did with Rob. Like, that girl literally looked at her and was like, "Oh my God, your life sucks." Like, she— I felt so bad for Michaela because she was like, "Oh my God, if I were you, I'd kill myself." Like, it was so crazy.

Also, we're all watching it. We're all watching it knowing that that girl's fully with a man without a home.

No.

He lives on a boat and he's fucking girls in Croatia as they're speaking.

That man has a full other family in St. Thomas. His wife and kids are looking for him.

Also, why are all his friends girls? I didn't like that.

Why was I scared of those girls?

At one point, the girl was like, "Okay, we're done here. Like, I don't have to do this if you guys are so mad about it."

Should I just leave? Like, I felt really bad for her in that moment.

This is the problem though. Like, yeah, what's his name? Blake? What's his name? Blake? It's like, he looks like Blake to me.

I don't know.

Who knows? But it's like, yeah, he's charming in that way of, like, you meet him on the weekend and you're like, "Oh, what a crazy life we could live, but, like, we're not going to do it." Like, I'm not going to talk to him again. He's not, like, marriage material, but, like, what a fun concept if I was, like— also, when he's working, he was like, "She'd love to have a summer in Europe." I'm like, "Yeah, with you. Not, like, locked in a hotel room while you're out here who knows doing what."

Also, I've been with men before that will, like, have these ideas of grandeur and they'll say it to you and they'll be like.

Yes.

"Won't that be amazing?" Like, "And we'll travel with our family."

To the UK.

Across the world." And I'm like, "Okay, but logistically, like, no, we're not." Like, because are you throwing a kid on your fucking back?

Yeah.

Like, are you breastfeeding on the plane? Like, you live in an— here's the thing, I think, with men in society right now, a lot of them live in an alternate reality and I almost, like, don't blame them because it's— they're becoming adults or if not been adults for 15 fucking years. But I feel like women in our generation are so changing the narrative and they haven't caught up.

Yeah.

So, like, they give you these, like, false ideas of, like, "And then we'll get married and we'll do this, this, and this." And it's like, "But you're actually lying to me because that's not going to happen." Like, yeah, every woman does think about summering in Europe in a five-star hotel. Like, like, in a dream world. We don't want to be following you on some fucking boat. Like, shut up.

And you know what's happening? Girls are doing it, but they're doing it with their other successful friends.

Yeah, and they're doing it on their own.

On their own.

Yeah. Everything that ever pissed me off in my 20s that I'm like— that a man would hold over my head, I now do it on my own and it's so much more satisfying. I'm like, "Oh, really? You don't want to buy me a first-class ticket? Watch this in five years." Like, fuck you.

My favorite is when I, like, walk in somewhere and it's, like, me with, like, a tall, like, gray-haired man. So they always talk to him. Like, he's in control and I'm like, "You guys have—" and he loves— he giggles. He thinks it's so funny and eventually he's like, "You're talking to the wrong person, bro."

Okay, you want to know what? Maybe that's why I love going to Italy every summer because, like, when I check into our hotel, I feel like they know I'm in charge.

Well, you've been going there for five years. I think they know how it works. They're also, like, all still traumatized by that time you had to put a seltzer in your arm or whatever.

What hits a what? Get an IV?

Yeah, but they put, like, a— what's, like, the Italian drink? It's, like, green.

Arancello? Wait, I— I usually always know what you're talking about and I'm really lost in this one.

Oh.

When I had to put a seltzer on my arm.

What is, like, the sparkling water they have in Italy?

Do they have different sparkling water?

No, they don't. Wait, we just had a glitch in The Matrix. No, it just—

What the fuck are you talking about?

It looked like sparkling water was attached to your arm in that photo where you had the hanger.

Oh, yes, the Pellegrino.

Yes.

Yes.

And that took way too long to get there, but we got there.

Okay, and we got— okay, we got—

People want to know about my pooping status and look, it's a little disappointing because.

They have— have they actually— they DM'd you and said, "What's the status?" Okay, they're freaks. Sick freaks.

Page.

If any of you have DM'd Tana and said.

No, my whole— all my DMs are just, "Have you pooped yet?" Okay, so I thought after you're constipated— because I've never been constipated before in my life— I thought after you're constipated, you'd one day have this, like, incredible release of, like— and it was euphoric and then you're, like, have a six-pack after and you just, like, walk around and, like, do cartwheels. It hasn't been like that. It's been.

Yeah.

Just, like, a couple little tiny poops throughout and, like, it's slowly getting back to normal, but I'm not blocked anymore. But I didn't have, like, an iconic moment that I could, like, share with the gigglers. Oh, but I did shove something up my butt.

You did a suppository?

I love how it took 40 minutes for us to get to this. I'm like.

I've done it once in my life and I was, like, a child. My mom made me do it. I was like, "God, they must have been constipated." And I was like, "I don't like this."

Do you know when you're traveling and, like, one of the days just, like, kicks your ass?

Yeah.

Like, I actually was so good with organizing dinners and all the stores I wanted and all the cat cafes and then I had one day where everything just, like, punched me in the face.

Yeah.

There was a tennis tournament in Hong Kong. So I go and it's free because it's qualifying and I got in the wrong line and then, like, I never got in and I waited in line for, like, an hour and it was, like, 85 degrees. So I was like, "Okay." I decide, "Okay, I need to get a suppository."

Hello?

Sorry, I'm from the future and, like, sometimes I got a glitch.

We're so brain dead. I don't know why I'm so brain— I'm honestly— my birthday being tomorrow is just really fucking me up.

Page, I'm 35. I've been 35.

It's not about the age. I'm— I feel like I crushed 33. I'm, like, excited to be like, "I'm 34." Like, I feel fine. It's more about, like, the overall arching theme of.

Existence?

Yes. Of aging. Of aging. And I don't mean in, like, the vain, like, conceited way of aging of, like, "Oh, you have wrinkles" or, like, "Oh, you look older." Not that because I think I look the same age as I did when I turned 30. But, like, it's more like, "Oh, so, like, that part of my life is over and I probably won't ever experience that part of my life in the same way again." You know I'm— I, like, long for nostalgia.

Yeah, but you, like, hated going to clubs. I mean, you loved it, but now you would hate it. So, like, what are we missing?

Right. That's what I'm saying. So— but it's almost, like, getting over the fact that, like, yeah, but you hate that now. So, like, why do you care? It's like, I'm sad that I hate it now.

That's the thing. You do love nostalgia, but, you know, not to be full psychic on you.

Uh-huh.

I think when you have a child, you are going to relive every moment and you're going to love it so much and you're going to be, like, reliving the nostalgia in the best way you could ever imagine.

That is going to make me cry. That is so nice.

No, it's not.

And I actually— that's what I need. Like, I'm going to look— I look forward to that when that happens.

Well, whenever we talk to your energy healers and your psychics and your pet psychics and your astrologers, they all— they all talk about you.

Me being a mom.

Building, like, this home.

Yeah.

And being a mom, which is so funny because you've— it's like, you've— you never talk about being a mom, but I think, like.

Yeah.

Look, speaking as an aunt to Lois and Bobby, like, they just had Halloween. Like, the joy I had from just watching on my phone videos of them, like, being, like, "Look how cool my outfit is," and going— like, you— you live it again through them.

Right. Right. So true. And I think one of the themes of getting older is realizing, like, each year I feel like you realize things that are really important in life. And I think I'm just, like, I keep getting older and older and I realize that, like, your relationships with people are truly what's the most important thing in life. Whether it's, like, with your parents, with your friends, with your significant other, it's just, like, how you nurture relationships really is the most important thing in life.

Okay, ChatGPT.

That's why I love Giggly Squad because it's like, no, because.

Yes.

How fucking dare you.

Giggly Squad, like, finding other girls and gays with the same sense of humor, like, what could bring more joy? Name it.

Yeah. And I feel like whenever I get a DM from a girl about anything where it's like, "Hey, you really, like, encouraged me or gave me the confidence to do X, Y, and Z," I— then I'm like, "Okay, every— then everything I do is fine."

It's all worth it.

Like, that— it's all worth it. Like, okay, if you got out of a really sucky relationship and the guy was, like, borderline abusive or was abusive and you got out of it because I said one thing on a podcast, then yeah, I don't care how much hate I get for the rest of my life because.

Yeah.

It mattered to that one girl and that's fine with me.

Those are the best DMs ever. Also, like.

Yeah.

I went to her bun gym class, but, like, if I get one girl to work out who thought she couldn't work out— no, working out is, like, so good for your mental health. Like, it sucks. Like, but I.

Yeah.

I did the research. Like, if I get one girl who's scared to go to the gym to, like, work out in her living room and, like, feel better about herself that day, like, fuck yeah. Okay, so the suppository.

Yes, sir.

You don't just, like, get a suppository. I had to go to, like, all these pharmacies in Hong Kong and, like, they don't speak English there. So I had to try to explain that I can't poop to multiple different people. So I'd be like.

And that's—

I need—

And I would have just died.

I'd be like, "Stomach." And when you say stomach, they think, like, you're having diarrhea and then you have to be like, "No, no diarrhea, blocked." Like, and then— and then the guy kept giving me Dulcolax and I was like, "No, no, no, I need to shove something up."

You should have used, like, a— like, a translator app or something.

For some reason, that was, like, more embarrassing to me to be walking around with a sign. Like, and Dez was supposed to be my fucking translator, but he doesn't speak Cantonese. He speaks Mandarin, so he's no help to me.

So annoying.

So annoying. And, like, like, okay, learn the right language.

Yeah, learn the right language.

Like, why were we not in Beijing if you can't— if— why did we go to Hong Kong? Anyway, I'm, like, over that. So he was dead to me. I was going around just pointing to, like, up my butthole to, like, random, like, 60-year-old men.

And this is why Americans have a bad reputation.

When we travel because of me.

It's always a redhead doing something to us.

So then I finally get the suppository after going to, like, countless pharmacies who, like, didn't understand me. And I'm scared to insert something foreign into my body. Like, it's scary. And I was overseas.

Got to have a couple cocktails and it's not that scary.

You're actually at least— at least give— tell me a joke or something to start off.

Yeah. At least let me have a noodle with a sesame seed.

Give me some compliments first. So Dez would just say things, like, "You're going to do it?" And I'm like, "Okay, I don't need you, like, micromanaging."

Yeah, pressuring me.

My—

This is, like, literally, like, peer pressuring you into drugs. Like, just do it. You're going to like it. It's going to feel good.

You know I hate that. And then he was, like— I waited for him to be in the shower because I just didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't want to, like, ruin our relationship with, like, a weird suppository. So.

But they work quick, don't they?

This is my advice. I went to the bathroom because for some reason I was like, "I should be in the bathroom for doing this." But apparently you should actually just be.

Well—

No, no, no.

Well, where the fuck else would you be?

No, apparently you should just do it, like, lying on your side in bed because once you stick it up, your butthole is so powerful, your butthole wants to reject it. Your butthole is like, "This is foreign." So, like— but you need it to stay up there to break down whatever's going on. So technically I put it up there and then I, like, ran to the bed and, like, in that walking it could, like, release it, but, like, I clenched. So anyway, just for girls who need to do it in the future, just lay in bed on your side and put it in.

You know what's nice to know is that you would never get kidnapped to become, like, a drug trafficker because they'd never be able to keep the drugs inside your butthole. They'd be like, "She has— she has IBS." You know? And that's something funny to think about, that drug dealers who are trafficking drugs are thinking about people who have IBS or not.

Also, I could barely hold a tampon in. Like, I put it in at slightly the wrong angle. I'm like, "I'm taking it out. This is ruining my day."

Yeah.

So, like, the fact that people are shoving stuff up their vaginas and just holding it— I mean.

Hannah, people are going to the ER because they've shoved so many things up their assholes and they can't get them out. Like, that's, like, a whole TikTok series, I think. Like.

Also.

Like, shit nurses have seen in the ER.

Justice for Richard whatever. Remember everyone said he had, like, stuck a gerbil up his butt once?

Who?

The guy from Pretty Woman? That was, like, a '90s or '80s reference that Dez told me about. Richard.

Richard Gere shoved a hamster up his ass?

He didn't, but that was, like, the Marilyn Manson, like, type.

Made himself head.

Yeah, type of thing that, like— it was, like, the Lea Michelle can't read.

Wait. I forgot to mention this. I went to a charity event two, like, two weeks ago now and I'm walking up the stairs and they're, like, taking pictures, whatever, and then I see Lea Michelle walking up the stairs and I, like, grabbed her hand and I was like, "Will you please come to my birthday party?" And she was like, "Oh my God, I would love to." Like, she's so sweet. And then she got up on stage because she was presenting an award and she read off the teleprompter and I almost took a video of, like. Stop hating on my girl.

Yeah, it was. It was.

So how do you know there were words on it?

I chose to trust.

I like the Lea Michelle lore and she's a giggler.

Yeah, I love her.

For a rumor to stick like that, you have to be an it girl.

For how much I don't want to go to a musical, I love musical theater people.

She's the songbird of our generation.

Yeah. I feel like I can separate their art where I'm like, "I don't want to sit through a three-hour long singing play, but I find you so incredibly talented and, like, above people when you're a theater actor." I just think they do it all.

I want to do a documentary about, like, where these rumors start. Like, actually getting to the bottom of, like, where did that actually begin?

Rumors start from one person really, really hating you and I feel like someone was so jealous of Lea Michelle and they started that.

Yeah.

And then you can hire PR companies to, like, keep lies going. It's really scary.

Yes. Yep, I know that. So she—

Yeah.

My thing is I love that rumor for her because I'm like, "So she does full musicals without being able to read." That's the most impressive thing I've ever heard. She reads music without being able to read.

Right.

Letters. That's fucking—

Right.

Like, she's a genius. Like, it's almost like a fuck you, like, "Oh, I can't read and I did all this without being able to read."

Yeah.

Yeah. Imagine if she could. She'd take over the goddamn world. You should hope that she can't because this is already this powerful.

But her cameo.

Wait, that's so sweet.

But her never makes the cameo. She never makes the cameo.

Why don't you read the sign above your bed, Hannah, to the gigglers?

Okay. You guys, I'm renting and every room is beautiful, but I did walk into this room and it says, "All you need is love." And I said, "Desmond, we have to do something about this." He's like, "Why?" I'm like, "Butter's trying to read it right now. She actually hates it."

And if any man ever says, "All you need is love," know that that man is broke and he will not spend any money on you or your future children. Okay? So keep that in the back of your head, ladies, because all you need is not love. You need a lot more of it. You need security. You need a 401(k).

Speaking of love, everyone on Love Is Blind hates each other. Like, I know it's the edit, but, like, the way they're fighting, I'm like, "You guys, there's no love. There's no respect." Oh, Butter's trying to take down the sign right now.

But he's like— Butter's like, "Wait a minute. What the fuck's it say?"

Butter's like, "This is not my aesthetic. This is not my brand. Something needs to be done." But I find the people on Love Is Blind, like, there's not one couple. Actually, Rob and Michaela were my couple.

I know.

Even though they're dysfunctional. I was like, "Yeah, I see it."

I did, like, Cam and the girl— I can't— here's the thing. I hate that I, like, can't remember any of their names. I liked them together in the beginning and then I was kind of like, "Eh."

I just want to feel like during the first three weeks of your relationship, I know they're putting them through a lot and it's a lot of pressure, but, like, you were on your best fucking behavior.

I like to say it's your representative.

It's your representative and it's your highest, like, dopamine time. Like, that's when the guys can get away with so much because you're just, like— you just see his height and you're just like, "La, la, la, la."

Yeah.

So the fact these people are fighting within the first three weeks, I, like, I'm actually out.

This is what I think. A man— anyone actually. I shouldn't even just say a man. A woman too. You can be on your best behavior and you can lie about your personality for three months. After three months, you— that's it. Then you start to go back to who you really are. So that's why, like, in the first three months, if it's not perfect, get out.

Well, she said Anejo was like, "I ask you questions and it takes you 15 seconds to respond." I'm like, "Yeah, that's called not having chemistry." Like, you guys just—

Hey, I'm trying to talk to you and you just don't talk and it's like.

And she's like, "Can we figure this out?" That's just— that's when you go, "Thank you so much for your time." Like.

Yeah.

How do you have a phone call?

Right.

She's like, "There's so much."

Or— or they would have the best marriage.

Oh God.

Also, I think it's funny that, like, Rob's friends, like, one of the things that they said to Michaela was like, "You know, like, we had to wonder if coming on this show, like, you had ulterior motives. Like, what could you gain from the show?" Like, "Yeah, dude, they're getting famous off of you guys." Like, shut the fuck up.

Also, Rob, why are you on the show? You're both on the fucking show.

Yeah, what are you trying to do?

Why are they just pointing fingers at Michaela? What did you want from the show? You wanted to be able to get— be like, "I'm on TV."

You wanted to be able to fuck other girls. Like, you never— you weren't trying to get married. Yeah.

I love how he's sitting on reality TV. Like, "Why did you do reality TV, you fake ass?" I'm like, "I don't know. Ask your representative."

Also, coming onto reality TV for the first time ever and being high on drugs, I think, is one of the craziest things you can ever do. Like, all of his friends that were in that scene were high off the— I have gone out for so many years. I know when someone is high. All of those men were high.

And that's the difference between me and you. I was like, "They're dumb."

No.

Also, it's so funny to be like, "I'm such a tough guy. I'm, like, fighting producers to let my 42-year-old friend have another beer." Like, "You're not a tough guy, bro. Like, just calm down."

Yeah.

I also just want to say that actually a man wanting to go on reality TV is so much worse than a woman going on reality TV.

So much worse.

If I think the woman is trying to be entrepreneurial and, like, make money for her future family, we're like, "Why are you going?"

So much worse.

Even— hot take— men saying, "I want to be famous," that's for women. Becoming famous is for women. Sorry, fame is not for— if you're a man trying to be famous, I'll puke.

No, I can't.

If you're a man who's really good at something, like, you have a skill and, like, people admire it, great. If you're just going on TV to be famous, then it's not a win. And I don't know what that voice is.

I don't like it.

I've never been before, but I don't like it. It gives me the heebie-jeebies. It makes me—

I couldn't even date, like, a professional athlete, I don't think, which I wouldn't consider, like, a pro— I mean, are professional athletes famous? I mean, yeah, I guess. But, like, I don't know. When I think of famous men, I think, like, Harry Styles. Like, I think, like, a singer, an actor, like, a Jacob Elordi. Like, I don't think I could be with anyone that is essentially the star.

I want a guy who's like— I love how I'm like, "I want a guy" while I'm married, but, like, he's like— this is literally Dez, but he's like, "I hate that I have to post, but this is my art and this is what I need to do."

Yeah.

Like, do you know that Dez, like, never posts just, like, a photo of himself?

That's different. He has a skill set. He's an artist.

I know.

He's a type of artist.

But I was like, "Why don't you post photos from Hong Kong?" And he's like, "Why would I do that?" And I'm like, "And that is such a good question."

Yeah.

And that is the thing that I need to ask myself.

I completely agree. Yeah.

It's like, "What are you promoting?"

What are you promoting? What is the purpose of this photo? What are we promoting in this photo? Yeah. I think that's a great question.

Also, I want to raise awareness for one other thing men are doing that, like, girls have had to deal with in darkness. And I think Taylor Swift is one of them. A lot of men are addicted to video games and they are ruining their relationships.

Taylor Swift had to deal with that?

Well, Travis Kelce, like, when he's not playing football, he's playing— like, he has a headset on.

Do you know I've never dated someone who played video games?

I know girls who dated professional athletes who, like, they just love games. Like, the second they're off the field, they're just, like, playing and, like, it's— you're not around. Like, they're not physically— it's like if they were on their phone the whole time. That's how it feels. And they're just, like, talking to other men on the headsets.

You know what's crazy is that, like, football is on Mondays, Thursdays— is it on Thursdays? Mondays, Thursdays, Saturdays, Sundays, and then they golf. Let's just say they golf once a week.

But God forbid I watch Dancing With the Stars.

That's five days of, like, you know your hobby is going to be in works, in the works. It's going to be happening. You're either going to be watching, you're either going to be playing. No wonder we have a mental load. Like, that's crazy.

I was like, "No wonder women are excelling because during the eight hours"— I mean, look, I play fancy football, but I'm not watching the games. I'm watching my scores. And by the way, I had a comeback.

Oh, interesting.

I'm ranked number one right now.

Oh my God. I'm so happy for you.

You know me. I'm not one thing. It's resilient. And I lost the first three games and you know I love being the underdog. I love people not believing me and I love rising like a phoenix from the ashes and that's what I've done.

Totally.

And now I'm number one in the league and, like, people need to put some fucking respect on my name.

What's your team name?

Oh, it's something really stupid. Like, I actually don't know what it is. It's more about my aura.

Yeah. Okay.

Another thing I learned about Hong Kong— two things that we have to do. When you go to a public restroom, they have, like, a sanitizer. So instead of just, like, wiping down the seat or putting toilet paper on, you take the toilet paper, you put the hand sanitizer on, and you get to just, like, wipe down with, like, the actual germs.

I don't want to do that.

I just think it feels cleaner to me.

I'm just squatting. It's like I think about it like, "Oh, 30-second workout, squat."

I actually have never squatted in my life. Like, life is too short.

On a public toilet, you've never squatted.

No.

To pee?

Maybe if there's no, like, toilet seat, then I'll—

So you're putting toilet paper on the toilet seat to sit or you're just sitting?

I'll put toilet paper or I'll wipe it down.

With what? Toilet paper?

With toilet paper. Like, you know, there's like—

But how is that getting the germs?

Exactly. I've never gotten the germs until I got to Hong Kong.

You know, I went through a really weird phase of, like, two months in college where I was like, "Do you know you can get STDs from sitting on toilet seats?" And it really scared me for, like, a solid two months. I don't know why. And then I, like, forgot about it. But I was like, "You can get chlamydia."

What happens between the time that someone flushes and you walk in that there's just tons of water all over the toilet seat? Like, did they dunk their head in it? Like, I don't even know how the water gets on the toilet seat like that, but.

I think that's pee.

Oh, because someone was squatting and they moved it.

Yeah, because I was squatting.

So you're peeing on the seat, I'm wiping it.

No, I'm wiping down my own pee if I pee on the seat. But also, I'm not peeing on the seat. I'm not, like— I can squat and—

I've just embraced that, like, we're in a public bathroom. There's going to be germs. Let's leave them.

And public things are going to happen. And wash your hands after. Yeah.

China also has electric vehicle SUVs, which, like, are everywhere. And they have these amazing seats that have massages. Like, why don't we have massages in our cars?

Did you go on their public transportation at all? Like, did you go on their subway?

Yes. So clean.

How was that? No way. What's like— what are the vibes on their subway?

Culturally acceptable to, like, just, like, skip people online and stuff. And there's a freeness to that. Like, people will just, like, cut you and you cut them and you just, like, squeeze in.

Hey.

And, like, yeah, it's— there's— it's just, like, chaos in the most beautiful way. You're like, "You're all going to get there eventually." And.

Yeah.

Yeah. No one's like, "Excuse me, I was standing here."

Oh, there's not someone, like, wielding a cucumber at your head in the subway?

Oh God.

Oh gosh.

So anyway, you guys, thank you so much for giggling with us today. We love you so, so much.

Tomorrow's my birthday, so say a prayer to Saint Anthony.

Guys, don't forget to vote today.

Okay. Love you.