Transcript of Giggling about bidets, banh mi, and scorpio season

Sup, Giggly.

Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit.

We can't be managed. I mean, the day just... got away from me.

What's up, my guava gigglers. It's currently 5:36 p.m. in Hong Kong, where I am, reporting for duty, and Paige texts me.

It's 5:30 a.m. in Miami. I texted Hannah and I said I'm so sick, but I'm awake. Do you want to just record?

I can't believe you're so sick right now, but I feel like you love it because it's like main character energy to be sick.

You know, I always get sick since I was in like 4th grade, around Halloween. I've missed Halloweens before because I was so sick.

Oh my god.

Halloween and my birthday, just something happens to my body where it's like, it's too much.

It's too much Scorpio.

It's too much. I'm Scorpio-ing too hard.

Too close to the sun. Also, I just realized, I don't know if I'm like growing up or getting more boring, but I literally forgot Halloween this year.

Halloween?

Like, did you do anything?

No, I was doing like an interview the other day and they were like, "Oh, what are you doing for Halloween?" And I was like, "I'm taking the year off."

I'm at capacity, babe. I'm at capacity.

I'm like, I'm turning 34, I actually should be getting a child ready for Halloween, and so I can't.

No, I mean, in theory, I would love to like think of a really fun idea, prepare it, execute it. And we did it the last year. So I—last two year—last year we did multiple outfits. Like, that should count as like a rollover.

We did? What did we do?

Weren't we on tour?

No, that was two years ago.

It's all blending into one. All I know is I was the Australian dancer and I embodied her.

Yeah, you did.

What's it called when like male actors—

You were method acting.

I was method acting. I came.

When male actors ignore their families. Yeah.

What's it called when male actors do anything? Update on my bowel system.

Oh yeah.

It's funny because like my DMs are so different than my like Instagram comments. Because the comments the gigglers, they're funny, they're silly. The DMs, they're like, "Hey."

This is medical.

One-on-one. How's your—like I'm posting all these food tours and they're all like, "Hey, just checking in. Have you pooped yet?" Like literally like a cute mom. Like, "Have you pooped? Let the community know." Um, good news is I had doctors message me regarding my—what was it called? Dulcicine? What did I—Dulcolax?

And I think that's the best thing that's come out of—out of—I was going to say out of Disney. What? I'm really not well. Out of Giggly Squad is we have so many connections to so many doctors.

We're literally doing a crowdsource of women in STEM every time we're on the pod.

I think my DMs could cure endometriosis. Like, I'm not kidding.

I get more attention from doctors in my DMs than I do when I'm in the waiting room at a doctor's office. Like, the doctor just ignores me, doesn't make eye contact, asks me if I'm depressed, and then walks out.

You walk out of your doctor's office? You're like, "Whatever, I'll just look at my DMs, actually."

Like, also I love doctors like out of their doctor uniform. I was going to say costume.

Yeah. And that would be really mean.

They're like, "I went to 17 years of med school. Shut the fuck up."

Yeah.

Well, it's like when you see your teacher like at the grocery store. It's just weird. So like when a doctor DMs me, they're so chill. They're like, "Hey, by the way, doctor." Um.

No, and it's good that they say doctor because I am listening to any random person. I'm like, "Wait, I should check if they in fact are a doctor."

By the way, everyone in Vietnam called me lady. Like, they were like, "Lady, do this. Lady, sit. Lady, come."

I kind of love that though.

I know. I was like, "I am a lady." So the doctor said, "You taking Dulcolax, was you going—" she used the word nuclear on your stomach. And she basically was like, "Dulcolax is like the most powerful laxative you can take." And she was like, "That was insane behavior."

So then why did they sell it?

No, that's—where's the warning label?

And what does the FDA have to say about it? Like.

And laxatives, they clearly are not all created equal, so they should have like, you know, like a spice level maybe? Like, you know, a salsa?

Wait, why don't they have salsa level warnings?

Because apparently you could have like a little motion in the ocean, but this was like a volcanic eruption. But for—I did—so I did have like diarrhea during that, but like not really that much. And then the next like day.

This is crazy.

I had like little baby poops. Like baby. But like at least there was movement. And now I'm stuck again, but it's not as painful.

What a journey.

But honestly, it's way better than when I'm my normal self, which is just like.

Going to the bathroom all the time.

Yeah. Like I eat whatever I want and I'm not worried what's going to happen.

On an average day in America, how many times are you going to the bathroom? Like you're fully going number two.

I feel like I poop after every meal.

You're like a dog.

And if I'm like a little nervous about something, which is all the time, then it gets—I get a stomach ache.

We have to literally get you a litter box. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. So you eat and then 45 minutes later you know you're going to shit it out.

Or earlier.

Or is your body taking any nutrients in? That feels so quick. That feels alarmingly fast.

I thought I had a fast metabolism, but according to my Botox, I don't.

Wait, you know what is so funny is we kept saying that to people. We were like, "Okay, but Hannah actually has like a crazy fast metabolism."

I started a rumor about myself that I had a fast metabolism and no one questioned it.

I was like, "I don't know why it's not going down." Like she sweats so much. You would think that.

She eats and she poops nonstop. Like stuff is moving. Oh my god. So then I get my period in Vietnam.

Oh my god.

As one does. Get my period.

Yeah, of course.

And then I realized like that I was a toto. There was like a fancy um toilet. So I've actually never really fucked with the bidet. It was a kind of thing that like.

Oh.

I've never had a tutorial, but I'm sitting there like I'm clogged up, I got my period, I'm like, I'm clicking one of these buttons because I need Jesus right now.

Shoot something up there. Maybe go the opposite way. See if something wiggles out. See if we get some motion.

But by the way, it's like scary to be like I'm sitting here and like water is about to like go right in my perineal.

Yeah.

My perineal.

I love them.

Well, there's a ranking system like laxatives should have where it's like how strong do you want to be. So I put it in the middle.

How warm.

You know I'm vanilla, so I'm like, I put it at two. But then.

I jacked that thing up.

I know you do. Just to feel something.

Yeah.

So I put it on and then I didn't know how to turn it off. So I like kept clicking it, but it made it just keep going stronger. And you can't just get off the toilet because then it'll spray out of the toilet. So I sit, I'm like, "Des, how do you turn it off?" And then I get ticklish and I'm in like a torture chamber of a bidet. But then I realized there was a stop button.

Did your husband run in?

No. No, no, no. He left me for dead.

No, he was like, "She'll figure it out." There's like a Kian Peele skit somewhere or like it's in a movie. Like they go in to help someone with a bidet. I need to like find it because it's so funny and so pertinent to this.

It's not obvious how it works. There's a lot of buttons.

Yeah.

And like.

There's a lot of buttons.

I don't go on YouTube because I'm a girl. Like for tutorials.

Right, right, right, right.

Which I should, but like.

Speaking of YouTube, have you seen like all that stuff from like the some podcast, but it's like YouTube.

The H3 Podcast?

Yeah.

Yeah, like H3 Podcast.

I like don't know. I never knew those people till now.

That's the Trisha Paytas people. They're all like connected. And it's funny because Trisha Paytas didn't know who we were.

She didn't know who we were.

Well, she like didn't she comment about Giggly Squad?

I don't know, but I know her from Tana Mojo, I feel like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, shout out Tanna, our number one giggler on the planet, who's going hard this Halloween.

And I thought they—I was like, "Wait, this is a podcast. How would I not know that this is a really big podcast?" But I think of them as streamers, like YouTube. I feel like people are listening to it on YouTube.

I think they do stream.

Right?

Somehow like it never crossed our desk.

I can't believe that guy found one person to fuck him, let alone two. I mean, I was gobsmacked. I go, "This man cheated on like with who?" That's the thing about men. I'm like, every time I want to count them out, they do something and I'm like, "Wow, that was really crazy." I doubt you've been keeping up with Love Is Blind because you don't have a VPN. Yeah, what are you doing?

So I was getting annoyed that everyone was talking shit about my Mikayla and Rob. And I said, "Let them be cute. Like you guys are being haters. Let Love love."

And I was rooting for him.

I was rooting for him, but that's a problem with these guys is that they could go either way. Because they're dumb, right? So you're like, "He's either dumb cute or dumb evil." And that's two types of men.

And I really—and you want to know what I think is making me mad about it?

Mm-hmm.

Is because he tricked me. And I hate you guys. I hate getting tricked.

He did not trick me. I liked their chemistry because I love a funny girl and I felt like they both made each other laugh. So that's my like love language. I'm like, "They're making each other laugh. They're perfect." But when a guy constantly says, "Oh, I'm a lot. Oh, yeah, thanks for putting up with me." Like he's telling you who he is. Because I definitely dated. Or there's the opposite of the spectrum, which is arguably worse when they're like, "I'm such a good guy."

I'm a really good guy.

I'm such a good guy.

I'm really nice. I really—I think I take offense to being mean to people. I don't like that. I'm really nice.

Oh god. Meet a guy who doesn't define who he is to you. Because I feel like all those guys are narcissists. The ones that are like, "I'm the kind of guy who—"

Shut up. Shut—I'll decide. I'll decide what kind of guy you are, you motherfucker. Sorry, I just got really annoyed. Oh my god, no. I—I—it's so agree. Okay, keep going.

Do you know one announcement that's crazy? I didn't watch Love Is Blind, but everyone's playing the clip of like him getting to lunch or dinner with like all his boys.

Yeah. It was really upsetting.

Okay, one of the guys at that table I matched with on Hinge and talked to for like two months or something. I never met up with him.

Which one, Hannah?

His name's like—his name's like Steve. He was like a former football player. He's like really big.

Okay, I'm pretty sure they were all named Steve, so I'd have to go back and love.

He's the one that like they just posted a clip, I'm like, "That's like I—you know those people you've matched on apps and never connected with?"

Not the guy with the crazy like chin strap facial hair that was like being insane.

Go to Ben.

The insane one? Not the insane one.

Never met up with him.

But this is actually so us. This is like boots on the ground journalism and we're like, "I actually don't know."

So he's like from Jersey, so he like came up on my Hinge and he was a big football guy, so I was like, "Yeah."

They'll get you, let me tell you. They will literally get you.

But now I'm trying to think if I did meet up with—like, guys, Hinge is a blur for me. Like I don't know who—he's in my phone. I checked, but there's no text messages.

Okay, here's one thing I want to say.

Yeah.

In Rob's defense.

Oh.

I under—wait, wait, hear me out. Hold on. There's that kitty hair in my mouth. In Rob's defense, I understand his skepticism on going on a reality TV show and being nervous like, "What if they edit this crazy? What if like I get canceled?" I understand that. But he inadvertently canceled himself. And here's something I'm going to say that is like really, really polarizing. And look, I think drinking problems come in all shapes and sizes.

Ooh.

Like your relationships with all people change when you have a drink.

Yeah.

I had to have someone literally take me by the shoulders and say, "You will never be able to help someone with a drinking problem if they don't help themselves. You need to go." And it's so true.

Wait, did I tell you that? Was that me?

Well, you were one of a couple.

I got 50 people in your life. Because I know I was one of them. I remember where we were. She goes, "I had a wise person."

You sat me down and you go, "Let's talk about addiction." I go, "You've never been addicted to anything." You go, "Exactly. Let's talk about—"

And I try to keep it far away from me. That's why I don't smoke cigarettes. Because in a past life, I was definitely an addict.

And Rob has a drinking problem because.

Is that what they realized this episode?

It's what I realized. I'm like, "You have a crazy drinking problem. Like you need to figure it out." And also all of these men, I'm like, "Look, Rob, okay, I totally understand. Like his dad passed away and that's so sad and I can understand that. But Mikayla was so easygoing. She was so like, "Totally, I like I want to help you or like I'm like I'm in your corner." And then she got to a point where she was like, "You're embarrassing me publicly and now you're a reflection of who I am."

I do have to say your gut and her gut in that moment was like, "Get out." And she could have suppressed it. She could have been like, "There's so many reasons why I should give this another chance." But the fact she did that, I'm so proud of her.

Like I'm on a show, like let me just—he got nervous. Yeah, there were so many excuses she could have made and she didn't.

But also this man is 38. This isn't a 24-year-old kid that's like.

No.

Going through a rough patch.

Yeah.

And also it's like these are his friends. I didn't watch it, but I love talking about it. Like I watched it. I'm like his friends.

He's strong opinions.

But I did see a clip where he was like, "I've never been aggressive with you, right?" And she said the most iconic thing back. She was like, "No." And he's like, "So I've never been aggressive." And she's like, "Yeah, except this moment right now." She's like, "You mean what you're doing right? You're asking me if you are what you are right now? I'm so confused." Well, I'm like hyped up. I haven't fought with a man in years.

No, I'm so mad. I have so many—I have a list of things that pissed me off the past 24 hours.

I'm going to say, I haven't fought with a drunk man in years. And let me tell you, I was unprepared for it. You remember everything they said when they're drunk.

Totally.

And then you're like, you're a horrific human. And then in the morning, they're like, "Maybe."

They're like, "I didn't mean—everyone was being mean to me." I'm like, "You're a psychopath. Like a true, true psychopath."

Not to brag, my husband's sober. And I have some like younger friends who were like, "Is that okay? Like what's it like?" Like I'm so scared to be the sober guy. And I'm like, "You never fight drunkenly. You never hung over with him. Like it's beautiful and peaceful and you guys like—he reads."

When you don't have to worry about your boyfriend's character changing in different environments, that's your husband.

But I would also argue like their character when they're drunk is part of who they are. It's not this like made-up imaginary being. Like that's fully who they are. A lot of the times it's stuff they're suppressing.

Just on like a ground-based level, who the fuck wants to hang out with like an annoying, angry, drunk person? Like that's not the point. Like I could literally just call my dad sober.

If I want to do that, I'd go back on reality TV, okay?

Yeah, like if you're a bad drunk and we're in our 30s, get the fuck away from me. You're a loser. You never figured it out. And like you're not fun. This is not fun. I want to drink and have a kiki, have a laugh.

Well, that's the thing. The joke is like in your 20s, you're still like the fun guy. Like he was definitely the fun guy in college. And then in your 30s, it starts getting sad.

Also, I low-key think he thinks that he was hot.

Well, he told everyone he looks like Travis Kelce, which is not true.

I think that he low-key thought he was like bigger than the program in terms of the women.

But he decided to like not pick the girl who said she dated athletes because I think he's insecure that he's not an athlete.

Yeah, he's just like a big guy. Wait, you want to know what the real telltale sign was when she—when Mikayla was laying in bed with him and they were like laughing about something and she said something like, "What do you think, big guy?" And he got offended. He was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "Okay, you're a fucking loser." I was like, "That is the moment that I was like break up with him actually. He like sucks. He can't take a joke."

And people would be like, "What's the stupidest lilith thing that gave you the ick?" No, icks are warning. They're whispers. They're warning whispers that you got to listen to.

Wow, I love that. Warning whispers.

I don't know where that came from. I think it was Oprah actually. Oprah talked about whispers, how you have to listen to the whispers. But anyway, I digress.

Can we do like a list of things that have pissed me off in like the past 48 hours?

I feel like you woke up at 5 a.m. and texted me just so you could tell me all the things that piss you off.

Actually, yeah.

Let's go, babe.

I was on TikTok and I was like, "This is pissing me off."

Buckle up.

This is pissing me off. And should I record the pod right now? Wait, one last thing on Love Is Blind. Hey, guys, I know that we were on reality TV too and like maybe sometimes we didn't like do our nails or like our hair wasn't brushed, whatever. When you're on Love Is Blind, you're literally on there for one season. Maybe clean your kitchen before we come in. Before we come in and you do a tour, I'm going to need you to fold the clothes on your bed. Like, no, I actually have no tolerance for it.

When they left, they were in a rush, but you could text someone to be like, "Hey, can you like put my clothes away? The campers are coming."

In a rush, you're potentially going away for weeks. You didn't like run the dishwasher. Like, I have no tolerance.

Or maybe a producer was like, "It'll be cute if you're like the messy one. Like you're the creative."

No, that's disgusting. You're in your 30s. Like, all the women are just so normal. I think that's what the frustrating part about it is. It's like all the women are just like being normal and like living their lives and all the men are like, "Isn't this normal?" And you're like, "No, this is not." Like, you're scaring everyone, including the cameraman.

It's giving Room Raiders. They need to take out a blue light, a black light for Jiz stains.

I'm going to start small.

Okay. Okay. Start. Yeah. Build it up.

The first thing that pissed me off is people were coming for Paris Hilton because she dressed as Belle for Beauty and the Beast and her daughter was dressed as Chip, which is the little cup, which in the movie is the child.

Adorable.

And people were like, "How could Paris Hilton be Belle while she made her daughter be Chip?" Because she's Paris Hilton. What the fuck are you talking about? So that really pissed me off.

Also, what if the daughter like wanted to be Chip? Like, you don't know that.

Paris Hilton commented and goes, "Chip is my daughter's favorite character. She wanted to be Chip." Like, end of story, case closed. Enough.

Paris Hilton should be treated like.

A real-life princess.

Protected species. She invented the selfie leave her alone. Also, she does really great work for ADHD.

And she's never aged a day in her life.

And Belle loves to read.

And you know that in her basement, she has like a full spa.

Yeah, she's Paris Hilton. Also, she inspired Giggly Squad.

Leave her alone. Did she?

Yes, with Paris and Nicole.

Oh yeah. Yeah, we're forever inspired. Okay, the next thing that's really pissing me off.

Sanesa.

Jennifer Lawrence started a hair care company. If I hear one more person make a video saying Jennifer Lawrence is doing a cash grab for her hair care company, I'm actually going to blow up TikTok. It's Jennifer Lawrence. She can do whatever the fuck she wants. And also, how come every time a woman starts a business, it's like not a real business, not real. Nope, she's actually, oh my God, does she need money? Or maybe she's just very interested in it and can sell a product.

When women aren't starting businesses, they're just talking in front of the camera and that makes Pete Davidson mad. And then we try to be athletic, Jamie Dillis gets mad. And then we try to start a business, everyone's mad. So what are we supposed to do?

Wait, Birdie posted the other and I know I said I was going to stay out of the comments and I really am. Birdie posted a thing the other day saying like are men the new like skincare like because all these men like Seth Rogen was in a Sephora thing.

Yeah.

And I commented and like someone needs to tell Pete Davidson. Because like he could be getting his back. He doesn't even know it. All he has to do is do one get ready with me.

I do say there is something that kind of irks me. I guess Sephora is trying to promote like.

Honey, I'm livid about it.

Boyfriends trying to like buy stuff.

No, I'm livid about it.

You're taking our jobs. Like why are men promoting skincare for women? Like I just Seth also doesn't need the money either. Like give it to a nice influencer girl who's hustling every day. Seth Rogen is busy with the studio. You're taking our jobs.

You're taking our jobs.

Go back to where you came from.

Now listen, a gay man who like wears makeup. Yes, honey.

Yes.

Come.

Yeah, exactly.

You just wore it with me. Yep. Get your stuff. Buy your things. Color match.

If Bowen's into makeup, yes, he's been oh marry.

Totally.

He needs to add it.

Yes, do it because they enjoy our femininity.

Yes.

A straight man selling me any type of makeup product. I'm not even mad at the straight man because like, hey, if you get a call and someone wants to give you a fat check, who am I to say don't take it?

But then don't talk shit on influencers ever.

But the establishment, who's hiring them, I'm looking at you sideways. Because what?

I do have to say, Elf hired Matt Reif and immediately the internet got really mad.

Because what the fuck does he know about a grip primer? Truly. Does he even know what a fucking primer? Okay, actually maybe. And I digress. I take that back.

You never know what people do to stay beautiful.

No, you truly never know what's going on in someone's home. I can attest to that. You don't know what's going on in someone's home.

What's going on?

You don't. You never will. You truly never will. Okay, and my last thing. This is my last thing.

Okay.

Did you see Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard?

I actually did not see the clips. All I see is people really mad at Kristen.

Clifford Maddow.

Is it Kristen or Kristen? Kristen.

Kristen, who I'm a Veronica Mars stan.

Stop getting mad at the women. What did she do? Because she didn't break up with him? Like leave Kristen alone.

Leave Kristen alone. So she was on a pod with them and she said that she knows that Dax is flirting with her when they're out to a restaurant and he compliments the waitress and says, "Oh, you have really nice eyes or whatever." And she said she takes that as flirting because she's turned on by his kindness.

Oh, I saw that because he's making someone else feel good.

I actually kind of believe that she thinks that because I do see her as like a very lovely angel. Like I could see someone being nice and her being like, "That's so nice that you were nice to that person."

She likes that he's in a good mood.

No, she's saying that like she likes being with someone who's kind to strangers.

You know, there's a lot of factors in this scenario that she said. Like for example, is the girl he's complimenting hideous?

And that's what the show is.

Because that's important.

That's important.

And my husband is like, "You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." Then I'm like, "My husband."

Because I'm like, "Why would you do that to the person?"

No, then I'm like, "My husband is like charitable. Like he's like giving back to the community." If she's some like hot girl and my husband's like, "Hold on, let me make this girl feel good." I'm like, "That's so fucking weird."

When Joe and I like first started dating, we were like walking in the park and he like saw a dog that he liked and he said to the owner, which was a super hot girl, "What kind of dog is that?" And she was like, "Oh, it's like a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," and we walked away and I looked at him and I was like, "Don't you ever fucking do that in front of me. I'll chop your balls off right here." Who gives a fuck what kind of dog that is?

See, we're different where I you actually enjoy being like a little jealous. I like to play jealous. Like on the plane today, Des was talking to like she was probably like she's an older, older woman.

Okay.

Why am I so scared to say that?

Yeah, like okay, did you have three heads? What the fuck is going on?

He was speaking Mandarin with her. Like obviously like laughing, kicking. I have no idea what they're saying.

I had to assess the situation.

When he came back, sat down, I was like, "Someone had a little fun with the stewardess." Are you allowed to say steward? What do they I always say stewardess.

Flight attendant.

Flight attendant Hannah. I think stewardess is cunt?

It is cunt, but I think they were like someone said no and then it was like.

Like stewardess sounds regal as fuck.

You want to know what it is? Because we love Stewart's name. Stewart.

Oh, Stewart. Shout out Stewart. Who has a podcast? Everyone listen to it. Stewart says, "So yeah, I was like to do a fun you a lot of fun back there." And he's like, "Oh," and I'm like, "No, go spend 40 minutes talking to her. Like you're not interested. That's crazy." So I have fun fake fighting with it.

Yeah. I'm serious.

Des is speaking Mandarin and charming the fuck out of every woman in Hong Kong right now. But like I do like it because I'm like, "That's my man." Oh, we have a Daphne cameo.

Kitty's actually like and he's saying what to who?

Kitty's like, "I need to get involved." Kitty, I love your fancy feast campaign.

And she's gone.

And she's almost gone. Okay, so Des is being so cute in that he's letting me go to every cat cafe that I found.

I know because the two times I've texted you, you've been like, "Sorry, just leaving a cat cafe."

See, guys, I went to a cat cafe in Singapore. Then I found one.

Also, wait, you didn't even laugh at my text message when I was incessantly texting you a ton of gossip and then I screenshotted your location and I was like, "The shit my friend is doing when I'm actively getting ghosted." Like where you were was a made-up.

I was in Hanoi Vietnam. It was so we were dying laughing. I didn't respond because you were asleep anyway. But in Vietnam, oh, you guys. Okay. I got to share. So in Vietnam, I go on my own journey. Now, there's nothing quite flow state like when you are walking to find a vintage shop and you know you have like just 10 minutes straight to this vintage shop. Like I truly go ethereal.

Okay.

He's like, "Because there's no rules." And so it's not like, "Okay, now everyone stops, you walk." You just have to go. You just have to walk. And he's like, when you look at it, everyone's actually flowing within each other, but from afar, it looks like complete chaos and people are honking and yelling. So like I'm like, "I'm going to go." And there's also no sidewalk. You have to walk in the street.

Hannah.

So I'm walking in the street in the middle of Vietnam alone trying to find a thrift shop. And I actually start getting dizzy and I realize it's because one, I was dehydrated. Two, because my cortisol levels were so high because I was like actively trying to not get hit by like four different moving vehicles.

Yeah, Hannah. This is how people die.

But then I locked in. Then I was like, "I hit the flow." And it's like, "You just walk. You can't get defensive. You just walk." And I find a cat cafe, but in Vietnam, it's very chill. Like, you know, most cat cafes, it's like you got to check in and like pay money to enter. Then you like take your shoes off and then you like.

They're like, "Whatever I take one, don't read a cat."

But they're like, "Come in." It's a bookstore with cats just like lying on people's books.

Reading. Just cats like reading.

Cats just reading. Cats are like, "Welcome to my store." Literally going through novels.

No, because in my head, cats like can talk. They choose not to and like they could run the world, but they're like, "We're actually not going to." But like deep down, I really think that they are aliens.

But I actually feel like how a man walks into a brothel at these cat cafes. I checked the seat. I said, "Okay, that's a pretty one over there. Okay, that's a little lovely." Like a little butt on that one over there. And then it's like, "I get my drink." And then I'm like, "Who wants a little pet?"

You're like, "What's your name?" Tabby.

But it's funny. I go up to one, I try to pet it, and it's like not that into me. And I'm like, "No problem." I go to the next one. I try to pet it. So this last one, I just got to Hong Kong, found a cat cafe. Des let me go. Page. They have different outfits on because it's Halloween. So they have all these cute outfits. I took photos, but then some of them have like a bandana on them. And I'm like, "What's the bandana say?" And it says, "On diet." So all the fat ones have little bandanas that say, "On a diet," which I think means like you can't just give them snacks.

No.

And they're the cutest, chuppyest kids. Imagine as a human when you're on a diet, you have to wear a bandana. It says, "On diet. Do not give food. Do not feed."

If you live in my mom's house, you do.

So anyway.

If you live with my mom and you're gaining weight, everyone will know.

She puts a bandana on you. And it's bright red, by the way.

She's actually on a little bit of a diet right now. Like, "No, I'm not." She goes, "You're not?"

Oh, you didn't know you were.

Like, "What?"

We went on an actual street food tour. Like you hire someone. Like a Vietnam local, her name was Junie.

She's shout out.

Junie. She's so iconic, Junie. And she's this little tiny woman walking in the middle of the road and there's just chaos around her. And we're just like, "Okay, I guess we follow her." She turns into like the back of some store, into someone's apartment, into the back. And there's just like these little tables. By the way, Des is like six four and like trying to sit in these little tables, loving it. But he can't speak Vietnamese, so he's like no use to me. But anyway.

He can't speak Vietnamese? What an idiot.

No, he's like stupid.

Oh my God.

Like read a fucking book. Like get one culture. So there's like a lady holding a baby, holding dumplings, throws us some dumplings. I'm a foodie. Let's just say it. Is that annoying? Is that annoying? I'm a foodie.

Hannah, like we all have thought this.

What I would say, the best food.

You would eat everything.

By the way.

We know.

All the food I'm about to list is still in me right now. Like it hasn't come out. So just like imagine the layers. So first.

Let's start at breakfast.

Coconut coffee. Okay, coconut coffee in Hanoi is basically a frappuccino. So it's frozen. The greatest thing I've ever had. Highly recommend. Then they have duck, like just like fried duck with like herbs.

It's for breakfast?

So you can have the same meal every single.

For every meal.

Meal if you want. So we had these little pieces of duck. And then they have fresh herbs always on the table. And you take the basil and you eat it dry with the duck. The acidity against the fatness of the duck was truly remarkable. Bobby Flay is going to love this segment. Okay. Oh, then, okay. Have you ever had banh mi?

No.

So it's sorry. You're such an uncultured swine. I don't even know how to talk to you right now. You've never had banh mi. Crazy. Okay. Where do we even begin?

I've never even heard of it.

I won't say a banh mi. So Vietnam was the French colonized them.

Okay, now we're.

Spent three days with Des. Full history lesson. But because they have French influences, it's like Asian cuisine, but then with baguettes. So a banh mi is a baguette, but like not too thick. And then they put like you can put any meat in it, but I love it with the pâté. They did a prosciutto pâté, duck pâté, with then it has like cucumber and lettuce and stuff.

I did not take you as a pâté girl.

Wait up. Pâté? That's that thick.

Girl, she is.

You're running around eating pâté?

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Wait, is that good or bad?

Good.

Okay, good.

Wait, am I confusing?

I think it's like chopped liver. I think it's ground up liver. Yeah, I'm confusing pâté with frog wok.

I think it's the same thing.

But isn't that also a pâté?

I think frog wok. I don't think it's frog wok.

What is that?

Is it oh, frog wok?

Yeah. Isn't that a pâté?

That's pâté if it was gay.

That's pâté if it was in a musical.

If it's a musical theater. That's pâté if it knew it was better than you and it went to a nice liberal arts school. Okay, then they had this like beef, lettuce, and noodles together. That was great. Obviously pho.

Amazing.

But then this was their crazy dessert. It's called jelly bean, but they take sweet soy milk.

Like it's crazy.

Okay, yeah.

It's called sweet soy milk.

It's sweet soy milk. And then tofu, but like flavorless tofu, but it like takes on the sweetness of the soy milk. Then just red beans. Because if you think about it, beans are inherently sweet. Like, you know, like in barbecue, like the beans. So if you just have beans with soy milk, it literally is like floating red beans in milk, which.

What are you talking about? Barbecue beans?

Is that right?

Laced? Yeah, but laced with so much sugar. Like if you went to if you go to one backyard barbecue and you have baked beans, it's so unhealthy. But like a bean on its own, I feel like has no taste.

Well, actually, you're right. It's no taste, but it's like tofu where it can be sweetened.

Like it takes on the milk.

Yes. So it was like this sweet bean texture. It was crazy. I was feeling wild.

And you eat the beans individually or it's like mashed?

Individually. Like they just put it's like floating beans. It's like cereal of beans. Bean cereal.

No wonder you can't take a shit. Okay. Are you kidding me?

No. It's crazy. I can't take a shit after that. Also, I had eight prunes today. Like that should be illegal.

Yeah.

So anyway, that was Vietnam. And we're about to go to dinner.

So anyway, that was breakfast.

So anyway, that was my snack. That's like Amy Schumer in Trainwreck when she's like, "I'm so hungry." All I've had is a yogurt.

Well, in my head, when you said you got dizzy, I go, "Well, surely you weren't hungry and famished. You must not have had any water."

I don't think I've ever been famished in my life. The second I get slightly hungry, I like need to eat.

Freak out.

Yeah, I need to eat something.

You know, that's so funny. I actually don't think I've ever heard you be like, "No, I'm starving. We have to get. Like we need to eat."

Because that gets dealt with immediately. And I don't make it everyone's problem. Like I will leave the event if there's not food.

Yeah.

Also, I have snacks.

Like in your bag?

Yeah, I always have a pouch.

Wait, so did you ever go shopping? Did you ever go to like the vintage store?

Oh, so I did go to these really cool vintage stores, but it's crazy because you get there and it's like you have to go in all these staircases where it really looks like you're walking to.

Yeah, you don't like that.

You don't know where it is. But I do like it. It's just like I'm bad at directions anyway, so it's a miracle every time I found these stores that are like the address is in a different language and it's on the third floor of a building that you can't see. So I did get turned around a couple of times. But one thing about me that we can learn from this experience, and I'm pulling it up because I made a note.

Oh.

Going on a street food tour after almost dying proves that I am resilient. And if it's.

You wrote this down?

Yeah. Okay, keep going.

Support your friends. Keep going.

There's one thing about me. I am resilient. And that is what you should want to be in this life. Not cool, not funny, not beautiful, but being able to deal with hard things and coming back stronger.

Have you ever seen the movie 21 Jump Street with Channing Tatum?

I've never seen it, but I know the vibes, if that makes sense.

You love Channing Tatum. How have you never seen one of his number one comedy roles? Do yourself a favor, download that for the plane ride home.

Well, actually, after I saw She's the Man, I knew that his work was only going to go downhill from there because that was his prime.

He's very good in 21 Jump Street.

Yeah. What a time.

What a time. The 2000s.

Also, that's a great example of when men used to be hot. Continue.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's called There's No Studs Anymore.

I think that's for lesbians.

No, it's not a stud.

Sorry, I'm on lesbian TikTok.

Nope.

Nope. I actually would know.

Are lesbians adopted stud?

Yeah. They're like masked lesbians.

Have you heard of Hay Mama? A Hay Mama lesbian?

No, I have not.

I think that's a type of masked lesbian that's like fuck boy. Like she has like a backwards hat. She's like Hay Mama. Hay Mama.

The 21 Jump Street thing I was saying, there's a scene in there where Jonah Hill like does like fake slam poetry and you literally just sounded exactly like him.

I am Jonah Hill and you are Channing Tatum. Oh, but I have some page bait.

Fine. I'm already annoyed this episode.

I know. So I'm leaning in. Hashtag lean in. I am officially the worst packer to ever pack. And I'm not trying to be like any other girls, but like it's at a point where it needs to be studied. First of all, I only pack dresses. Like I think I want to be Nana. Like growing up, like Nana goes on vacation and she takes all these photos and all these gorgeous different dresses. So I'm like, "Okay, I'm going on vacation. Let's pack eight dresses that I've never worn."

For what? Like to go to dinner?

Yeah.

Like those are your night outfits?

In my dreams.

Yeah.

That's who I am on vacation.

Okay.

I just pack heels. Like I don't check that they match any of the dresses. I just see like a heel that looks kind of comfortable. When I get there, I realize no heel goes with any of the dresses. Also, I realize I'm not wearing a dress.

Right.

Well, also because I was battling really bad bloat and dresses are not good at hiding that. I'd have to be like full pregnant mom.

Give me an example. Like what are some dresses? Like do I know the dresses? Like tight dresses?

I packed like a tight vintage Roberto Cavalli dress.

Wow.

No, like snake skin.

What are your day outfits?

So this is the thing. I did pack like jeans. I packed like some simple t-shirts. Like I'm trying to be like classic, simple. I've been wearing the same Montauk t-shirt and Daphne pajama pants every single day.

To go out too? Like to go to the cat cafe?

Yeah. I've worn like this is my comfy outfit and I'm staying in it.

Yeah.

And by the way, there's a shit ton of stuff in my luggage. Like it's not like I didn't pack. It's just like this is the only thing I feel this is the only thing I fit into right now. So it fits me right now.

As someone who looks up restaurants, color, decor so that my outfit matches the vibes. Like when we go to Italy and my mom books a beach club, I go, "What color are the umbrellas?" I can't go if I don't know what color the umbrellas are and my bathing suit doesn't match. I'll look ridiculous. And they change them every year. So like I.

It could be some form of what's it called when you think differently than other people?

Neurodivergent.

Neurodivergent.

You know what it is? You know what packing really is? It's just math. You just have to calculate how many days you're going to be there. Figure you need a day outfit and a night outfit. So that's two already for one day. And then you have to bring at least three alternate outfits for in case you're like, "Who did I think I was when I packed that? I don't want to wear that. Where's my alternate outfit? Oh, change of plans. Alternate outfit."

But I do this at home too where like I put on an outfit and I'm like, "This is comfortable. I like it." And then I wear it every day until it's too dirty.

You are the type of person that is really like I want to be Steve Jobs. There's so much I could say in this moment. You are the type of person who truly is perfect for a uniform. You need to get four outfits that you love and you need to get them in every single color and you need to just rotate that every day. Obviously, special events and occasions are different, but like your day to day, day to night, you should be rotating truly five outfits that you love and feel good in.

And like if I could go to dinner right now in this outfit, I 100% would, but it would look bad.

Insane.

Insane. So I'm going to change. But putting myself in a different outfit stresses me out.

You're also the perfect candidate to go shopping at like The Row and buy like an insanely expensive something, but you're going to wear it every single day. Like if you buy three insanely expensive outfits that you just only wore those, it's actually saving money. Rather than buying like a ton of random shit that you never end up wearing. You have so many random clothes that you're like, "I'm never wearing it." But you bought it.

I know. Like there's a new thing. It's not new at all, but girls on TikTok being like, "Do you like it or is it just thrifted?"

I've never felt that.

Like I'll buy something because I'm like, "It's thrift."

But he thrifted it and you got it on sale.

Yeah. It's on sale. I save money.

No, I really I wish I had the time and the just general je ne sais quoi to come over and really look at your closet.

Maybe one day. Maybe we'll do it. Hannah Bage try new things. Page tries to look at Hannah's closet. Also this whole time, there's been this like light of God coming towards my head that's driving me insane.

It's kind of beautiful though.

Thanks. Anyway, you guys keep sending your Hong Kong recs. No, I haven't pooped since the laxative, but keep me in your prayers. And Page is really sick too, so pray to Saint Anthony.

I genuinely think my fever just broke because I'm sweating and I was so cold.

And you did amazing this podcast in spite of that. Because again, you know what you are? What are you?

Resilient.

Resilient.

Resilient.

Resilient. Yeah. Every gig girl's resilient. And you take that with you for the rest of this weekend, girls. Okay, I love you. Stay resilient out there. Talk soon. Bye.

Bye.