Transcript of Giggling about authenticity, splits, and hairlines

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What's up, gigglers? Gary, fix your WiFi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

I mean, the day just got away from me.

It's going down, down, gigglers.

Every time the pod starts, I think of something that is so not acceptable for the pod. I'm like, Oh my God, I was going to tell you this later because it's so unhinged. I wish that I could say it on the pod, but it's just like, I can't.

Wait, when I just said, It's going down, I thought it was going to come up more, but finish this song, It's Going down, down.

Sugar, we're going down, swinging.

See, I didn't know that was the words. I thought it was, It was going down, down, around. What is those words? And then I realized, I don't want to know.

No. That genre, specifically, little faking gay. I'm obsessed with that TikTok.

Wait, I've been wanting to make a TikTok of that, but I sat back, I said, Which one do we No, because you want to know what?

We're in a different box. Other people on the internet can do stuff. Then when we do it, it's like, oh, my God.

Well, everyone who's really mad, not mad, but when I was talking about red lettuce, everyone was like, It's a fucking coverage. I'm like, Do people really know that? Is it that obvious?

No, the internet- Because I never learned that in school, being like, It's a coverage. You could say anything. It's a coverage. Someone's right there to be like, Except for the fa-. You're like, Okay. I've actually I've actually hit a point where I don't want to be relatable to everyone.

Oh, you've been in the comments.

She goes, I have responses for this. The internet is all about everyone's so obsessed with relatability and authenticity. You know what? Let's normalize you not knowing a fucking thing about me. Let's normalize. I don't want to be relatable to everyone.

If you say I'm being authentic or I'm trying to be authentic, you're not authentic. If you try to be authentic, You're not. And for brands to be like, We're just trying to be authentic.

I can't with the word authenticity anymore.

Authentic is the new essential where people just be like, Essentially. Now they're like, I'm just trying to be authentic.

I want my feed to be filled with inauthentic people. I want super rich people on my For You page. I want to see how they live. I don't want to relate to them whatsoever. And I want something to aspire to. What happened to inspiring to something?

If you want relatability, go to Facebook, go to your high school graduation group, click on one of the profiles.

Speaking of that, I'm missing my high school graduation. No, not that. I'm missing my high school reunion. Oh, your high school reunion. I felt good for this one. You know the one five years ago? I was like, no. You weren't ready. No. You weren't ready. But I can't go to it because it's whenever. It doesn't work out with your schedule. It doesn't work with my schedule.

They didn't talk to your team beforehand, which is not relatable.

Not relatable, not authentic.

What's funny, though, not to be too But Beacon on the Upper West Side, they do reunions, but it's in someone's garage in Bushwick with a DJ. It's so Brooklyn.

It's so... Ours is like a luncheon. It's like, Come here, we're going to have cocktails. No, speaking of authenticity, every Monday, I'm like, Let me throw a fall fit for the girls so there's inspiration for the week. When it comes to getting dressed for the pod, I can't do it.

You have nothing left.

It's I think it's because I'm like...

Is it because you're bringing so much personality to the pod every week that it's almost too much to bring both the personality and the fit?

No, because I've been on stage so many times doing both, which is insulting that you'd even bring that up. It's more like when I'm with you, I need to be my most comfortable.

And that's how I feel all the time. But also when you come in in a comfortable fit, I'm like, Oh, she's ready to fucking go off on the I think I can say more. Well, we always joke in stand-up, in the stand-up community, when I'm working on new jokes, I wear something to reflect it. I'll wear a hoodie. Because if you show up on stage-I love when life imitates art. Yeah. But then when the material is ready, then you put the fit together, you're wearing a tie on stage. Yeah. Which, by the way, I'm so in love with my new hour. I've been having so much fun, but I did fly in today and I'm very tired.

I can imagine. From touring. Were you in Virginia?

I was in Virginia, It is Southern.

I had so many of the Virginia gigglers being like, We know you're here.

I always think I'm hiding you in my suitcase.

I was like, Guys, I'm not there. I don't want to get your hopes up there. They're like, Hey, well, we know you're coming out.

The worst part about my show is that, obviously, my hour is about my life. So obviously, there are references. Sometimes I'll just say page, sometimes I say my best friend page because I don't want to assume. I have a bit about how pretty you are. Thank you.

And that's all I Fire moving forward.

It's okay if your best friend's somewhere else, as long as she's saying your name and preaching your name.

You know what's so funny? Every time I watch a comedian hour, actually, the one that always pops into my head is John Mulaney. One of his earlier ones, he would do it all about his wife. I don't mean to bring that up because they're divorced now. But I would always think, does he run this by her first? And that's our relationship. You do hours about me sometimes.

No, because if you're close If I talk about you in the hour, we're not friends.

It's not authentic. It's not authentic.

But it's funny because I mentioned you and there's always a big cheer. Then I'm like, Okay, back to me. Then there's always someone's like, Where's Paige? I'm like, How do I tell this to you? She couldn't make it to Norfolk, Virginia this weekend.

You were there Sunday.

I was Richmond Sunday. I went to a cat cafe called the Perfect Bean. Get it? The Perfect Bean. Oh, my God.

I went to a- And Like toe beans? A double entendra.

What's so crazy is four years ago, you would have never known that. No, we would have never gotten that. People grow and people learn. I have to make an announcement. Okay. I'm obsessed with the show Nashville.

I'm obsessed with it. Wait, are you really? Well, you texted me and said, Do you want to start Nashville? You've never done that, but we've never had a show. We've never had a show.

I think it's a new- But this is the thing. I started And immediately I go, Oh, no, no, no. They're singing. But it's not like someone's like...

I could do a pop star.

In musicals, they're like, And then I remember this one time, I was gone, and then I was free. This is like, She's a pop star. And then the song's low key. I'm like, Is this slapping?

Okay, also, they're both really good.

They all actually sing in it. I've done some research.

And I think There really was drama on that set.

For sure, because I googled it, and everything on the internet's correct.

Everything ever put on the internet is correct.

And they hinted that... Because their relationship on camera had so much tension. They tried to be like... But also, just because your relationship on camera has tension does not mean you have to not get along in person.

Right. No, I would say the majority of sets people get along. Unless there's an A-list male actor. Then I'm sure some shit goes Which is every single film. Other than that.

For people who don't know, Nashville is about this older country star and this new country star. Conny Brittany. Conny Brittany and Hayden Panetier.

An original gorgeous red head. I think we should also point out.

So iconic. I never knew how Hayden Panetier came up. I've never saw her work. I can't look away from her.

In terms of-How she carries herself? Like her esthetic.

She's such a good villain, but then you're like, Wait, but is she just Complicated. I feel like every... So much with ADD, every scene is giving. Now, am I triggered by any man with a guitar? And were there a couple of scenes, especially with the very religious football player that I was feeling too close to home for me and the CTE was raging. But all the guys are so hot in it. Yeah. No, because you want to know why?

You want to know why? Why? Because it used to be on primetime television and people They don't want relatability in television.

Also, I fucking hate when it's all these hot women with just below average dudes around them.

If I wanted to look at ugly men, I would literally go on the sidewalk. Not in my television.

I want them... Whoever did the casting, it was either a flaming gay man with impeccable taste or a woman who hated her husband and was living vicariously through this casting process. I The men are so hot. They're pulling off soul patches. Am I trying to do a man with a soul patch right now? I'm questioning everything about me.

No, I think it was a massive show. Where was that? We were in college. We were in college. It was hard to keep up with something weekly in college.

The only thing I came up with in college was Jersey Shore. The Thursdays, we watched Jersey Shore, but that was it. But I knew it was always around, but also I'm not a country music fan. We listen to misogynistic rap. I was like, There's no way this is for me. But But also as comedians, we have this obsession with musicians because we're going to all the same stages, but we don't get respect. They get one three-minute song, and people are like, You're amazing, where I'll do the same joke twice at the stand, and someone will be like, This bitch doesn't have any new material.

She said that.

After a joke, they're like, Next one, next one.

I wouldn't have even noticed the opening scene is the Orpheum theater. The O'Oprey. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What did I say?

Orphium. Orphium. Where's Madison?

Wisconsin.

We're getting all-Go Badgers.

I'm always thinking of the Badgers.

They perform in the first scene where we performed, so you're enjoying it.

Netflix, I feel like, is crushing it. I go through phases with my streaming platforms. Some days I'm like, It's all about Hulu who could even compete. Then other days I'm like, HBO till I die. Netflix is doing a really good job because I also started that Jason Bateman show, Bad Rabbit, which I keep wanting to call Task Rabbit, but that's my own issue. He's such a phenomenal actor.

Wait, is Bad Rabbit about a vibrator that goes rogue?

It's about a restaurant in New York City that they open, these two brothers. It's Jason Bateman and his brother, Jude Law. They're degenerates, and it's just them scraping by and trying to get through, and these guys are trying to kill the one guy. It's a whole thing.

Is Jude Law British in it or American? No.

One thing about Jude law. Remember when he had that crazy scandal because he cheated on his wife and he hooked up with the nanny? The nanny. I think his karma currently...

His hairline?

It's insane. Go to Turkey. No, go to Turkey.

You're already in Europe. You live in Europe.

It's almost insulting to the American people because it's like, you're Jude law.

Wait. Is he being relatable?

Not if you're on my TV. Don't be relatable if you're on my TV in a scripted show.

It It's funny because my mom loves Jude Law on the holiday. He came up on the screen, she said, Oh.

I had the same reaction. I go, Oh, let's put some criticism on the man. Jude, figure it out, honey, because it's not looking the way you think it's looking. At least a comeover. Yeah, do something.

Or is it the European man are like, I don't do my teeth, I don't do my hair. They're just like, This is me.

Well, if you want to work in America.

Or do you also think he got cocky for a second where he was people love me because I'm good at acting?

I think it's just men don't think about it, where women start thinking about it. At 23, we start getting pushed high cream. So by our 50s, we've been here, where men are like, Oh, am I aging? But even then, it's like, They got salt and pepper hair. We got witchy.

But I do have to say, Hot Take. I was talking to my friend. I had baby fat in my face in my 20s that has gone, and I feel more snatched than ever at 34.

I'm the hottest I've ever been.

I'm the hottest I've ever been. I wouldn't say ugly, but the Feng shui was off of my face. I was figuring it out when I was younger.

I socialized this weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

What? You were more tired than me, and I went touring.

No, I literally yapped Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night, went to a party on on a Saturday night, saw some people hadn't seen in a couple of years because I'm not in the party scene. And they said, You've never looked better.

But you know what? It's also inner beauty. You're shining. I think it's my aura. You're shining from inside.

I was like, Thank you so much. 12: 30.

They go, You've always been beautiful, but you had an ugly energy. And they go, Now, positivity.

It's actually... That's funny you say that. My brother said the exact same thing to me this weekend. He goes, Do you know that for a couple of years, you were really bitch to be around, and it was unsettling, and we all talked about it. I was like, What do you mean? Who's you all? He was like, Me, Mom and Dad. The family group chat. He was like, Pretty much everyone was like, I guess this is how she is now. I was like, Oh, my God. You guys didn't even care enough to do an intervention.

You go, And you're fired.

He was like, But you're fun now again. I was like, Thanks.

Get out of my apartment.

But it is true.

You have phases in your life where you're navigating. I did hear, mental health moment, that at those times in your life that you're feeling lost and scared, you know this is Marilyn Monroe quote, that means something good is around the corner. That's how you know you're about to level up when you feel most-When things fall apart.

It's so that other things can come together.

Yes. You know they throw dirt on your name to grow flowers. That's a TikTok quote. That's what is on TikTok. I do have to say at my standup shows, I always ask how people met, and Bumble is literally one of the top ones. I bet. It's adorable.

I feel like any I go to a wedding, and people are asking, How did the couple meet? It's always Bumble. And most recently, it's always been people being like, I deleted all the apps, and then I redownloaded, and then I met them.

You never know. It's like thrift shopping.

Another person's Yuck is another person's Yum.

Also, I do understand that sometimes you get tired with the dating apps, and you have to delete it. And then when you come back, you feel You need a minute. The algorithm is there for you now. You have new interests. You have new interests, new hobbies to talk about.

You have new pictures to upload.

I also feel like Bumble is always for the tape-A girls, which I feel like is a lot of gigglers who are like, I'm taking control of my life. I'm messaging who I want to message, who I'm interested in. I don't like when guys are just bothering me. It feels very abrasive.

Let me choose.

Let me do the choosing. I'm at a restaurant sitting down to eat.

One of my friends meant their fiance on Bumble. Not only did she give up on all the dating apps and dating in general. She moved states. She got a new job, the whole thing. And then she was finally like, Okay, I'm going to start dating again. Immediately found her fiancé. That's crazy.

I have heard stories of people being like, Who's the first one I matched on Bumble? And I'm like, How is that possible? But you guys, anything can happen with love.

It's honestly such a rom-com vibe. Yeah.

Not to talk about my exes, but I did meet British Dave on Bumble, and British Dave has never done anything wrong. Yeah. He's perfect. He lives in Australia. He was trying to get away from me as far as possible.

I have a couple who have moved.

Honestly, a win is a win. I definitely had the situation where the guy's photos were him looking so hot in college playing football. It was seven years later, and that man looked so different. I said, Where's that stud from this photo? Did you eat him?

I've had a lot of guys where all their interests on the dating app, and you meet them, and it's like, none of those are their interests.

Also, when they say, I want a girl who doesn't take life seriously, shut up.

What the hell does that mean? Or likes what I like. Sorry, Sundays, I'm doing my hair journey. I have a hair mask. I have to hair mask on Sundays.

But the great thing about Bumble is they're aware of all these mistakes that happen on dating apps. So they have an ID and photo verification, which is amazing because I feel like it makes things feel safer. The only surprise is their drink order.

Do a full background check.

Yeah, I don't want a guy saying he's 35 and he's 26. And I'm like, Where's your mother?

I needed to match up with your license.

When's your curfew? I want to see a therapy bill.

Don't make me get the authorities involved.

The profiles on Bumble highlight what you have in common, so you can quickly spot which prompts you should respond to. So it makes it Easy.

If someone said hiking, fishing, outdoor things, I would say next.

No, thank you. It gives you a full vibe. I just think the algorithm and how they have the profile set up makes it so easy for you mentally and not as exhausting. If you're still exhausted from dating, because dating can be hard, they have a dating coach, which is really cute.

Wait, I love that job application.

They give you advice tips when you might need a hand. They encourage you to show interest in their interest. They prompt. When When your girls are sick of you talking about your dating life, you're just like Bumble Coach.

When you bring up the classics. Today's segment is brought to you by Bumble, the go-to for finding love. Dating should feel exciting, not exhausting, and Bumble makes it fun, safe, and totally on your terms. So if you're ready for a real connection that last, Bumble's ready when you are. So last night when I'm at the Giants game.

Wait, I didn't know you were at the Giants game. Malik Nabors.

I hate to say it, perfect night for a game. So not a sentence, I would say, but It was the best weather.

Did I watch it on TV?

Did you?

Yeah, because Malik Nabors is in my fantasy league, and he hurt himself. Did he? Yeah. He landed on his shoulder. No, fantasy football is just trying to make sure your guys don't die. When my guys went out on a stretcher and I said, Babe, I need you to live.

Wait, from the Giants?

One of them? Yeah. They're always getting escorted on stretchers.

Here's the thing. I'm sitting there, I'm watching the game, I'm eating my snacks, and at one point I go, Not What is adorable? My brother is sitting next to me and he goes, What? And I go, Adorable. And he was like, What part is adorable? And I go, Honestly, the whole thing. Let's just bring it down for a minute. This is musical theater, okay? You have to remember the place. Sorry, that's memorizing lines. That's choreography. That's choreography.

When they go five, six, seven, eight.

And they're all putting the same outfit on. Sorry, that's a costume. And then they're all going out They know what they have to do, and then they're performing, and I think it's adorable. Also, take one look around that stadium, 85,000 people. I go, male, loneliness epidemic, where? What the fuck are you talking about? They're all singing the same songs. It's stacked here. There's so many men high-fiving each other. They don't know each other. Just having the best time ever.

Crying.

At one point, I literally go, Just kiss. Like, Come on. I was wreaking havoc in that box.

At the end of the game, if a player likes another player, he goes up to them and says, Can we trade jerseys? And then they take each other's jerseys off. They undress?

They unclothe and they swap jerseys.

It's like going up to a girl to party and be like, I really like your top. And she's like, I like your top. And you're like, Do you want to go to the bathroom and switch? And then you walk out and you're like... Then he walked out and you're like, It smells like you.

No. I like how you smell. Then at halftime, they had- Yeah, what'd they do? They did the A&T band from the college, from Drumline. Yes. They were so good. They were so good. I was just like, What a great experience. I just kept thinking, The men are fine. They're having a great time. No, they're literally fine. Do you see Travis Kelsey was yelling?

Wait, so tell me the T, because I actually had to jump on stage During it, and they kept being like... They wouldn't say his name. They were like, The main players are really angry.

Well, I think he got fined earlier in the day for making some gesture. I don't know if he did some sexual gesture. He got fined from the NFL. During the game or just walking around?

I don't know, actually. How early in the day? I don't know. He did something.

I think he did something referencing his crotch of some sort. Whatever. Then He was yelling at the coach. No free speech in American? No, literally.

Wait, so he yelled at the coach.

He was heated about something. You could tell they were having a little back and forth. They had a little tiff.

I mean, the drama.

The drama alone.

Well, everyone's saying the Chiefs, they started off very badly, their own three, and they just beat the Giants.

Okay, this isn't a football.

We're getting to it.

Honestly, I just started drifting off.

I know your eye, literally.

I have three 30 minutes and 45 seconds in me to talk sports with anyone.

You start thinking about matching sets.

Then I'm like, I think they all want to make out. We got to change the subject.

Wait, was Taylor there?

No.

I wonder what she's up to.

I don't know, but they had prime rib, and so I ate some of that.

Did you get any finger food, though?

No, it's not very. No. Sometimes when you go fancy, you're like, Okay, but where are the chicken wings?

No, I hate it because I have to be able to hold it and talk and run around.

They did have these I have fried lasagna balls, though. And I was like, You guys knew I was coming.

Yeah, but this is the problem. If it's in front of me, I'm going to eat it. And then if I eat it, I'm going to make it everyone's problem because I'm going to blow up the bathroom. Yeah.

God forbid, you want a carrot stick at a football game. I can't find them.

Sometimes I feel like people judge me if I decide to go healthy for a second. And I'm like, It's not for me. It's for you. Yeah.

Well, it's not authentic to you. So we feel the energy. When I'm home alone, I don't care if I have to run I go to the bathroom 800 times.

When I'm in a public facility, especially where there's only one bathroom, these are things I factor in. You know that meme when she's adding carrying the one? That's what I do when I see food. I actually do have something to say about the bathroom because I spend a lot of time in airport stalls, which you know is like Russian roulette. You don't know what you're going to get. Have you ever gotten into a stall and it smells bad? Yeah. But you're like, we I have to pay. But then you leave and the other person thinks that you're the one who dealt it. It's because of you. Do you ever want to be like, It was like that before it came in? You know what? Do you know when the overall smell is just stanky?

Yes. I know what you're talking about. At an airport, no, I don't care. I think it's me all day long. There's something about me when I step foot in an airport, I'm I'm on alert. I'm pissed. I'm ready to yell at anyone who tries to step to me. So you thinking that I shit in the bathroom at LaGuardia, least are my problems.

No, but do you know when it's a different smell? Something where something died deep inside them? It's not just like, Oh, someone pooped. Sometimes these smells are crazy. I don't want a giggler to... Then she's going on the internet and she's like, Hannah Werner killed someone in the I went in after her.

I feel like a lot of gigglers, though, have seen you in and around a stall.

That's where most gigglers see me. Or I'm talking in a stall. When I was at the stand a lot doing spots, it's just a general bathroom. When I have to go to the bathroom, it's just the bathroom. I would see someone, I'd be like, Hi, nice to meet you. And then be like, I want to go take a sip.

No, also bathroom meetings are so interesting because it's like, Do you hug? And I'm like, Gross.

Our girls will come up to me when I'm washing my hands.

I'm like, Let me wash my hands first.

Also, everyone who sees me at the airport, they want a photo, and I'm like, Are you sure? Are you sure? Because it's not good out in the streets.

I met a girl this weekend, and we were talking about how she met her boyfriend, and she met him in the airport lounge, which I'm like, so chic.

That's so chic. Because you know he has points.

Then I was thinking, Oh, my God, my mom is right. You should go to the airport dressed cute.

Okay, wait. This is a whole new strategy. Strategy. Go to the airport, dress cute. Go to Delta Lounge, whatever your lounge is. Look lost, even though it's not even that big. And there's signs where the bathroom is.

She said he came up to her and just started chatting.

I'm obsessed. There's definitely moments where you're sitting alone, they're sitting alone, we're all traveling.

And you're also in the airport and you have a crush on everyone because you're like, What if we all go down? This could be our last time.

I had a crazy to be at the airport today. What? Well, I think the UN's in town or something. When are they not?

No, honestly.

I don't know what UN is.

Anytime you get in a car in New York City and there's traffic, the driver always says, Oh, it's because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah But the lady who was in charge comes...

It's a small plane. She goes, I'm not going to say this over the speaker because it's just not- I hate you.

But I wish you were dead.

But immediately, when she's like, I'm not going to say this over a speaker, I was like, If you're going to say something, you're not going to say it with your whole chest. Why is it not on the speaker?

And she goes- This is on the plane?

No, this is right before we're getting on. She goes, I just needed...

Wait, so who's she saying it to?

To all of us about to get on. When they're like, make sure you consolidate or whatever, and I'm never listening. But she doesn't go on the speaker.

You could give a shit less about accessories every flight. I'm like, consolidate, consolidate. All of a sudden, you're like, I love my purse.

No, because I think it's sexist. It's sexist that women who have a cover bag of a little purse, we have to consolidate our purse, and men have their fucking stupid little fake wallets in their back pocket. It's like, no.

You know But it actually is a gender issue.

Then I have to shove it into my backpack? No. Okay.

Anyway. Okay. Keep going.

Since I'm in a story, we're only getting stories. She goes, I'm not going to say it's not a speaker. She goes, Apparently, I've been notified that you guys have to show us your IDs again. I have a theory while... She goes, I have a theory while they're doing this, but I'm not going to speak on that Now, and immediately I'm like, Wait, what is the theory? Now I need to know the theory. I wasn't worried, and now I'm worried. She goes, I have my theories for why they want to do this. But so you're going to have to show us your ideas. I think I know why, but they're... Anyway, so show your ideas first. We're just going to have to do a special double check. I appreciate it. I look at Stuart, who's opening for me, and I go, What the fuck was that? And she goes, What conspiracy theory? For a second, I'm like, to get in contact with her. Suddenly, I'm like, I'm not getting on this plane. It's one thing if you're just like, Hey, we're going to check IDs. No one would care. The fact that you go, I have my theories.

I feel like that's happened before where they were like, We're just double... When you are traveling internationally, they look at your passport again.

Also, it's possible that they're just being double-checking. The fact that she goes, I have my theories, I was like, I'm out. I don't need your conspiracy theory YouTube shit. Say it legally. On the speaker or don't say it at all. So we're all looking around suddenly like, do we... So we start pointing fingers at each other. We're like, who the fuck are you? I'm looking around. I'm like, who is on this plane? So then I called Des, and I'm like, this might be the last time I speak to you. And he was like, the UN's in town. That's why. I'm like, then why did she make it into this fucking drama?

She's like, one of you is going to try and take this plane down, and I will figure out which one. It's like, lady...

I'm like, with planes, I don't fuck around. No. This bitch Off script. It was like, These darn New Yorkers, they're always planning something. And she goes, And you know there's a bad history. And I was like, I can't get into this right now. So anyway, everything was fine, except same lady, we get on. I have nothing else going on in my mind.

How animated you are. I'm like, Wait, shouldn't we make this into a movie? You're so passionate. We get on.

And then towards the end, they're always like, Let me get your drinks. We're about to land. She goes, Let me take your snacks. What the fuck? What is going on in America right now that... You're taking my brews? You're like, Did the UN tell you to do this? I have my theories, but why are you taking my snack? I'm sitting there with a huge bottle of water, and she's taking this poor man's peanuts, and I'm like, Let him have his peanut. What's going to happen? Anyway, the airports need to get it in check.

The The most important question. She was blonde. Okay. I was just going to say, In my head, I know exactly what she looks like. Yes or no. Had blonde hair. Could have looked like any one of your friends' mom.

Yes, she was a mom.

But wanted to do a sassy updo, but really just had it clipped. A thousand %.

You know it wasn't naturally down until that woman.

I know that woman.

It was the thing that She's been doing every day since 1975. Anyway, she was on one. But also I did get random checked. I had a random check. It beeped. And low key, it's main character energy. When you go through and it beepes and they're like, You didn't do anything wrong, but we just want to double check your shoes.

I love knowing that there's something suspicious about me. I'm like, Yeah, you can't read my mind. You don't know what I'm thinking or plotting.

I just love that they're like, Of everyone in this line, you're different. There's something about you that's different. I'm like, Thanks for Are you choosing me? I'm picking me on the line. I'm picking me. Oh, God.

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Gary, fix your WiFi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me. It's going down, down, gigglers. Every time the pod starts, I think of something that is so not acceptable for the pod. I'm like, Oh my God, I was going to tell you this later because it's so unhinged. I wish that I could say it on the pod, but it's just like, I can't. Wait, when I just said, It's going down, I thought it was going to come up more, but finish this song. It's going down, down. Sugar, we're going down, swinging. See, I didn't know that was the word. I thought it was, It was going down, down, around. What is those words? Then I realized, I don't want to know. No. That genre Specifically? Little faking gay. I'm obsessed with that TikTok. Wait, I've been wanting to make a TikTok of that, but I sat back and said, Which one do we do? No, because you want to know what? We're in a different box. Other people on the internet can do stuff, and then when we do it, it's like, Oh, my God. Well, everyone was really mad, not mad, but when I was talking about red lettuce, everyone was like, It's a fucking coverage.

I'm like, Do people really know Is it that obvious? No, the Internet- Because I never learned that in school, being like, It's a coverage. You could say anything. It's a coverage. And someone's right there to be like, Except for the... And you're like, Okay. I've actually hit a point where I don't want to be relatable to everyone. Oh, you've been in the comments. She goes, I have responses for this. The Internet is all about everyone's so obsessed with relatability and authenticity. You know what? Let's normalize you not knowing A fucking thing about me. Let's normalize. I don't want to be relatable to everyone. If you say I'm being authentic or I'm trying to be authentic, you're not authentic. If you try to be authentic, you're not. And for brands to be like, We're just trying to be authentic. I can't with the word authenticity anymore. Authentic is the new essential where people just be like, Essentially. Now they're like, I'm just trying to be authentic. I want my feed to be filled with inauthentic people. I I want super rich people on my For You page. I want to see how they live. I don't want to relate to them whatsoever.

And I want something to aspire to. What happened to inspiring to something? If you want relatability, go to Facebook, go to your high school graduation group, click on one of the profiles. Speaking of that, I'm missing my high school graduation. No, not that. I'm missing my high school reunion. Oh, your high school reunion. And I was going to... I felt good for this one. You know the one Five years ago. I was like, No. You weren't ready. No. You weren't ready. But I can't go to it because it's whenever. It doesn't work out. It doesn't work with my schedule. They didn't talk to your team beforehand, which is not relatable. Not relatable, not authentic. What's funny, though, not to be too relatable, but Beacon on the Upper West Side, they do reunions, but it's in someone's garage in Bushwick with a DJ. So Brooklyn. Ours is like a luncheon. It's like, Come We're going to have cocktails. No, speaking of authenticity, every Monday, I'm like, Let me throw a fall fit for the girls so there's inspiration for the week. When it comes to getting dressed for the pod, I can't do it. You have nothing left.

I think it's because I'm like... Is it because you're bringing so much personality to the pod every week that it's almost too much to bring both the personality and the fit? No, because I've been on stage so many times doing both, which is insulting that you'd even bring that up. It's more like when I'm with you, I need to be my most comfortable. And that's how I feel all the time. But also when you come in in a comfortable fit, I'm like, Oh, she's ready to fucking go off on the mic. I think I can say more. Well, we always joke in stand-up, in the stand-up community, when I'm working on new jokes, I wear something to reflect it. I'll wear a hoodie. Because if you show up on stage-I love when life imitates art. Yeah. But then when the When your material's ready, then you put the fit together, you're wearing a tie on stage. Which, by the way, I'm so in love with my new hour. I've been having so much fun, but I did fly in today and I'm very tired. I can imagine. From touring. Were you in Virginia? I was in Virginia, you all.

It is Southern. I had so many of the Virginia gigglers being like, We know you're here. They always think I'm hiding you in my suitcase. I was like, Guys, I'm not there. I don't want to get your hopes up. They're like, Okay, well, we know you're coming out. The worst The hard part about my show is that, obviously, my hour is about my life. So obviously, there are references. Sometimes I'll just say, Paige. Sometimes I say, My best friend, Paige, because I don't want to assume. I have a bit about how pretty you are. Thank you. And that's all I require moving forward. It's okay if your best friend's somewhere else, as long as she's saying your name and preaching your name. You know what's so funny? Every time I watch a comedian hour, actually, the one that always pops into my head is John Mulaney. One of his earlier He would do it all about his wife. I don't mean to bring that up because they're divorced now. But I would always think, does he run this by her first? And that's our relationship. You do hours about me sometimes. No, because if you're close to a comedian, they're going to- You're going to be in the hour.

If I didn't talk about you in the hour, we're not friends. It's not authentic. It's not authentic. But it's funny because I mentioned you and there's always a big cheer. Then I'm like, Okay, back to me. Then there's always someone's like, Where's Paige? I'm like, How do I tell I'm going to give this to you. She couldn't make it to Norfolk, Virginia this weekend. You were there Sunday. I was Richmond Sunday. I went to a cat cafe called the Perfect Bean. Get it? The Perfect Bean? Yeah. Oh, my God. I went to a- And beans, like toe beans? A double entendra. What's so crazy is four years ago, you would have never known that. No, we've never gotten that. People grow and people learn. I have to make an announcement. Okay. I'm obsessed with the show Nashville. I'm obsessed with it. I'm only- Wait, are you really? Well, you texted me and said, Do you want to start Nashville? And you've never done that. But we've never had a show. We've never had a show. I think it's a new- But this is the thing. I started and immediately I go, Oh, no, no, no.

They're singing. But it's not like someone's like- It's not like a musical. I could do a pop star. In musicals, they're like, And then I remember this one time. I was gone, and then I was free. I'm like... This is like, She's a pop star. And then the song's low key. I'm like, Is this slapping? Okay, also, they're both really good. They all actually sing in it. I've done some research. And I think there really was drama on that set. For sure, because I googled it, and everything on the internet's correct. Everything ever put on the internet is correct. And they hinted that... Because their relationship on camera had so much tension They try to be like... But also, just because your relationship on camera has tension does not mean you have to not get along in person. Right. No, I would say the majority of sets people get along. Unless there's an A-list male actor. Then I'm sure some shit goes awry. Which is every single film. Other than that. So for people who don't know, Nashville is about this older country star and this new country star. Conny Brittany. Conny Brittany and Hannah Percier.

An original gorgeous red head. I think we should also point out. So iconic. I never knew how Hayden Panetier came up. I've never saw her work. I can't look away from her. In terms of-How she carries herself? Just-her esthetic. She's such a good villain, but then you're like, Wait, but is she just complicated? I feel like every... So much with ADD, every scene is giving. Now, am I triggered by any man with a guitar? Were there a couple of scenes, especially with the very religious football player, that I was feeling too close to home for me The CTE was raging. But all the guys are so hot in it. Yeah. No, because you want to know why? Because it used to be on primetown television, and people want to watch hot people. They don't want relatability in television. I also, I fucking hate when it's all these hot women with just below average dudes around them. If I wanted to look at ugly men, I was literally I want to go on the sidewalk. Not in my television. I want them... Whoever did the casting, it was either a flaming gay man with impeccable taste or a woman who hated her husband and was living vicariously through this casting process.

The men are so hot. They're pulling off soul patches. I was like, Am I trying to do a man with a soul patch right now? I'm questioning everything about me. No, I think it was a massive show. Where was that? We were in college. We You were in college. It's hard to keep up with something weekly in college. The only thing I came up with in college was Jersey Shore. The Thursdays, we watched Jersey Shore, but that was it. But I knew it was always around, but also I'm not a country music fan. We listen to misogynistic rap. I was like, There's no way this is for me. But also as comedians, we have this obsession with musicians because we're going to all the same stages, but we don't get respect. They get one three-minute song, and people are like, You're amazing, where I'll do the same joke twice at the stand, and someone will be like, This bitch doesn't have any new material. She didn't said that. After a joke, they're like, Next one, next one. I wouldn't have even noticed the opening scene is the Orpheum Theater. The Ol'Oprie. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What did I say?

Orpheum. Orpheum. Where's that? Which is Madison. We're getting all-Go Badgers. I'm just always thinking of the Badgers. They perform in the first scene where we performed, so you're enjoying it. Netflix, I feel is crushing it. I go through phases with my streaming platforms. Some days I'm like, It's all about Hulu, who could even compete. Then other days I'm like, HBO till I die. Netflix is doing a really good job because I also started that Jason Bateman show, Bad Rabbit, which I keep wanting to call Task Rabbit, but that's my own issue. He's such a phenomenal actor. Wait, is Bad Rabbit about a vibrator that goes rogue? It's about a restaurant in New York City that they open these two brothers. It's Jason Bateman and his brother, Jude Law. They're degenerates, and it's just them scraping by and trying to get through. And these guys are trying to kill the one guy. It's a whole thing. Is Jude Law British in it or American? No. One thing about Jude Law. Remember when he had that crazy scandal because he cheated on his wife and he hooked up with the nanny? The nanny. I think his karma currently...

His hairline? It's insane. Go to Turkey. No, You're already in Europe. You live in Europe. It's almost insulting to the American people because it's like, you're Jude law. Wait. Is he being relatable? Not if you're on my TV. Don't be relatable if you're on my TV in a scripted show. It is funny because my mom loves Jude law on the holiday. He came up on the screen, she said, oh. I had the same reaction. I go, oh. Let's put some criticism on the man, Jude. Figure it out, honey, because Because it's not looking the way you think it's looking. At least a comeover. Yeah, do something. Or is it European men are like, I don't do my teeth, I don't do my hair. They're just like, This is me? Well, if you want to work in America. Or do you also think he got cocky for a second where he was like, People love me because I'm good at acting? I think it's just men don't think about it, where women start thinking about it. At 23, we start getting pushed eye cream. So by our 50s, we've been here, where men are like, Oh, am I aging?

But even then, it's like they got salt and pepper hair. We got like, witchy. But I do have to say, hot take. I was talking to my friend. I had like, baby fat in my face in my 20s that has gone. I feel more snatched than ever at 34. I'm the hottest I've ever been. I'm the hottest I've ever been. I wouldn't say ugly, but the Feng shui was off of my face. I was figuring When I was younger. I socialized this weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. What? Oh, so you were more tired than me, and I went touring. No, I literally yapped Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night. Went to a party on Saturday night. Saw some people hadn't seen in a couple of years because I'm not in the party scene. And they said, You've never looked better. But you know what? It's also inner beauty. You're shining. I think it's my aura. You're shining from inside. I was like, Thank you so much. They go, You've always been beautiful, but you had an ugly energy. And they go, Now, positivity. It's actually that's funny you say that my brother said the exact same thing to me this weekend.

He goes, Do you know that for a couple of years, you were really a bitch to be around, and it was unsettling, and we all talked about it? I was like, What do you mean? Who's you all? He was like, Me, Mom and Dad. The family group chat. He was like, Pretty much everyone was like, I guess this is how she is now. I was like, Oh, my Oh my God. You guys didn't even care enough to do an intervention. You go, And you're fired. He was like, But you're fun now again. And I was like, Thanks. Get out of my apartment. But it is true. You have phases in your life where you're navigating. And I did hear, mental health moment, that at those times in your life that you're feeling lost and scared, you know this is Mariam Monroe quote, that means something good is around the corner. That's how you know you're about to level up when you feel most... When things fall apart. It's so that other things can come together. Yes. They throw dirt on your name to grow flowers. That's a TikTok. That's what is on TikTok. I do have to say at my standup shows, I always ask how people met, and Bumble is literally one of the top ones.

I bet. And it's adorable. I feel like any time I go to a wedding, and people are asking, How did the couple meet? It's always Bumble. And most recently, it's always been people being like, I deleted all the apps, and then I redownloaded, and then I met them. You never know. It's like thrift shopping. Another person's yuck is another person's yum. Also, I do understand that sometimes you get tired with the dating apps and you have to delete it. Then when you come back, it's like you feel renewed. You need a minute. The algorithm is there for you now. You have new interests. You have new interests, new hobbies to talk about. You have new pictures to upload. I also feel like Bumble is always for the tape by girls, which I feel like is a lot of gigglers who are like, I'm taking control of my life. I'm messaging who I want to message, who I'm interested in. I don't like when guys are just bothering me. It feels very abrasive. Let me choose. Let me do the choosing. I'm at a restaurant sitting down to eat. One of my friends meant their fiancé on Bumble.

Not only did she give up on all the dating apps and dating in general, she moved states. She got a new job, the whole thing. And then she was finally like, Okay, I'm going to start dating again. Immediately found her fiancé. That's crazy. I have heard stories of people being like, Who's the the first one I matched on Bumbel. And I'm like, How is that possible? But you guys, anything can happen with love. It's honestly such a rom-com vibe. Yeah. Not to talk about my exes, but I did meet British Dave on Bumbel, and British Dave has never done anything wrong. And he's perfect. He lives in Australia. He was trying to get away from me as far as possible. I have a couple who have moved. Honestly, a win is a win. I definitely had the situation where the guy's photos were him looking so hot in college playing football. It was seven years later, and that man looked so different. I said, Where's that stud from this photo? Did you eat him? I've had a lot of guys where all their interests on the dating app, and you meet them, and it's like, none of those are their interests.

Also, when they say, I want a girl who doesn't take life seriously, shut up. What the hell does that mean? Or likes what I like. Sorry, Sunday I'm doing my hair journey. I have a hair mask. I have a hair mask on Sunday. But the great thing about Bumble is they're aware of all these mistakes that happen on dating apps. So they have an ID and photo verification, which is amazing because I feel like it makes things feel safer. The only surprise is their drink order. Do a full background check. I don't want a guy saying he's 35 and he's 26. And I'm like, Where's your mother? Where's When-I needed to match up with your license. When's your curfew? I want to see a therapy bill. Don't make me get the authorities involved. The profiles on Bumble highlight what you have in common, so you can quickly spot which prompts you should respond to. So it makes it easy. If someone said hiking, fishing, outdoor things, I would say next. No, thank you. It gives you a full vibe. I just think the algorithm and how they have the profile set up makes it so easy for you mentally and not as exhausting.

And if you're still exhausted from dating because dating can be hard. They have a dating coach, which is really cute. Wait, I love that job application. They give you advice tips when you might need a hand. They encourage you to show interest in their interest. They prompt. It's like when your girls are sick of you talking about your dating life, you're just like, Bumble Coach, you're there for me. When you bring up the classics. Today's segment is brought to you by Bumble, the go-to for finding love. Dating should feel exciting, not exhausting, and Bumble makes it fun, safe, and totally on your terms. So if you're ready for a real connection that last, Bumbles ready When You Are. So last time when I'm at the Giants game. Wait, I didn't know you were at the Giants game. Malik Nabors. I hate to say it. Perfect night for a game. So not a sentence, I would say, but it was the best weather. Did I watch it on TV? Did you? Yeah, because Malik Nabors is in my fantasy league, and he hurt himself. Did he? Yeah. He landed on his shoulder. No, fantasy football is just trying to make sure your guys don't die.

One of my guys went out on a stretcher, and I said, Babe, I need you to live. Wait, from the Giants? One of them? Yeah. They're always getting escorted on stretchers. No, they were really getting like... Here's the thing. I'm sitting there, I'm watching the game, I'm eating my snacks. And at one point, I go, That is adorable. My brother is sitting next to me, and he goes, What? And I go, Adorable. And he was like, What part is adorable? And I go, Honestly, the whole thing. Let's just bring it down for a minute. This is musical theater Okay? You have to remember the place. Sorry, that's memorizing lines. That's choreography. That's choreography. When they go five, six, seven, eight. And they're all putting the same outfit on. Sorry, that's a costume. And then they're all going out there. They know what they have to do. And then they're performing. And I think it's adorable. Also, take one look around that stadium, 85,000 people. I go, male, loneliness, epidemic, where? What the fuck are you talking about? Singing the same songs. It's stacked here. There's so many men high-fiving each other. They don't know each other.

Just having the best time ever. Crying. At one point, I literally go, Just kiss. Come on. I was wreaking havoc in that box. At the end of the game, if a player likes another player, he goes up to them and says, Can we trade jerseys? And then they take each other's jerseys off. They undress? They uncloth, and They swap jerseys. It's like going up to a girl to party and be like, I really like your top. And she's like, I like your top. And you're like, Do you want to go to the bathroom and switch? And then you walk out and you're like... And then you walk out and you're like, It smells like you. I like how you smell. And then at halftime, they had... Yeah, what did they do? They did the A&T band from the college, from Drumline. Yes. They were so good. They were so good. And I was just like, What a great experience. I just kept thinking, The men are fine. They're having a great time. No, they're literally fine. Do you see Travis Kelsey was yelling? Wait, so tell me the T, because I actually had to jump on stage during it, and they kept being like...

They wouldn't say his name. They were like, The main players are really angry. Well, I think he got fined earlier in the day for making some gesture. I don't know if he did some sexual gesture. He got fined from the NFL Well, but then there were all these cool- During the game or just walking around? I don't know, actually. How early in the day? I don't know. He did something. I think he did something referencing his crotch of some sort. Okay. Whatever. Then he was yelling at the coach. No free speech in American? No, literally. Wait, so he yelled at the coach. He was heated about something. You could tell they were having a little back and forth. They had a little tiff. I mean, the drama. The drama alone? Well, everyone's saying The Chiefs, they started off very badly, their own three, and they just beat the Giants. Okay, this isn't a football. We're getting too deep. We're getting too... Honestly, I just started drifting off. I know your eye, literally. I have three minutes and 45 seconds in me to talk sports with anyone. You start thinking about matching sets. Then I'm like, I think they all want to make out.

We got to change the subject. Wait, was Taylor there? No. I wonder what she's up to. I don't know, but they had Prime Rib So I ate some of that. Did you get any finger food, though? They had... No, they... No. Sometimes when you go fancy, you're like, Okay, but where are the chicken wings? No, I hate it because I have to be able to hold it and talk and run around. They did have these fried lasagna balls, though. And I was like, You guys knew I was coming. Yeah, but this is the problem. If it's in front of me, I'm going to eat it. And then if I eat it, I'm going to make it everyone's problem because I'm going to blow up the bathroom. Yeah. God forbid, you want a carrot stick. At a football game. Sometimes I feel like people judge me if I decide to go healthy for a second. And I'm like, It's not for me. It's for you. It's not authentic to you. So we feel the energy. When I'm home alone, I don't care if I have to run to the bathroom 800 times. When I'm in a public facility, especially where there's only one bathroom, these are things I factor in.

You know that meme when she's carrying the one? That's what I do when I see food. I actually do have something to say about the bathroom. Because I spend a lot of time in airport stalls. Which you know is like Russian roulette. You don't know what you're going to get. Have you ever gotten into a stall and it smells bad? Yeah. But you're like, this, we just have to do it. I have to pay. But then you leave and the other person thinks that you're the one who dealt it. It's because of you. And do you ever want to be like, it was like that before it came in? You know what? Do you know when the overall smell is just stanky? Yes. I know what you're talking about. At an airport, no, I don't care. See, I- I think it's me all day long. There's something about me when I step foot in an airport, I'm on alert, I'm pissed, I'm ready to yell at anyone who tries to step to me. You thinking that I shit in the bathroom at LaGuardia, least of my problems. No, but do you know when it's a different smell.

Something where something died deep inside them. It's not just like, Oh, someone pooped. Sometimes these smells are crazy. I don't want a giggler to then she's gone on the internet and she's like, Hannah Werner killed someone in the bathroom, and I went in after her. I feel like a lot of gigglers, though, have seen you in and around a stall. That's where most gigglers see me. Or I'm talking in a stall. When I was at the stand a lot doing spots, It's just a general bathroom. When I have to go to the bathroom, it's just the bathroom. I would see someone, I'd be like, Hi, nice to meet you. And then be like, I want to go take a shit. No. Also, bathroom meetings are so interesting because it's like, Do you hug? And I'm like, Gross. Our girls will come up to me when I'm washing my hands. Yeah, and I'm like, Let me wash my hands first. Also, everyone who sees me at the airport, they want a photo, and I'm like, Are you sure? Are you sure? Because it's not good out in the streets. I met a girl this weekend, and we were talking about how she met her boyfriend, and she met him in the airport lounge.

Which I'm so chic. That's so chic. Because you know he has points. Then I was thinking, Oh, my God, my mom is right. You should go to the airport dressed cute. Okay, wait. This is a whole new strategy. Go to the airport dressed cute. Go to Delta Lounge, whatever your lounge is. Look lost. Even though it's not even that big. There's signs where the bathroom is. She said he came up to her and just started chatting. I'm obsessed. There's definitely moments where you're sitting alone, they're sitting alone, we're all traveling. You're also in the airport and you have a crush on everyone because you're like, What if we all go down? This could be our last time. I had a crazy thing happen to me at the airport today. What? Well, I think the UN is in town or something. When are they not? No, honestly. I don't know what UN is. Anytime you get in a car in New York City and there's traffic, the driver always says, Oh, it's because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, But immediately when she's like, I'm not going to say it's over speaker. I was like, If you're going to say something, you have to say it with your whole chest.

Why is it not on the speaker? And she goes- This is on the plane? No, this is right before we're getting on. She goes, I just need it. Wait, so who's she saying it to? To all of us about to get on. When they're like, make sure you consolidate or whatever, and I'm never listening. But she doesn't go on the speaker. You could give a shit less about accessories every flight. I'm like, consolidate, consolidate. All of a sudden you're like, I I have my purse. No, because I think it's sexist. It's sexist that women who have a government you have a little purse, we have to consult it in our purse, and men have their fucking stupid little fake wallets in their back pocket. It's like, no. You know what? It actually is a gender issue. And then I have to shove it into my backpack. No. Okay. Anyway. Okay. Keep going. Since I'm in Tori, we're only getting flight stories. So she goes, I'm not going to say it's not a speaker. And she goes, Apparently, I've been notified that we need... You guys have to show us your IDs again. I have a theory while...

She goes, I have a theory while they're doing this, but I'm not going to speak on that right now. And immediately I'm like, Wait, what? Now I need to know the theory. I wasn't worried, and now I'm worried. She goes, I have my theories for why they want to do this. But you're going to have to show us your IDs. I think I know why, but they're... Anyway, so show your ID first. We're just going to have to do a special double check. I appreciate it. I look at Stuart, who's opening for me, and I go, What the fuck was that? And she goes, What conspiracy theory? For a second, I'm like... I need to get in contact with her. Suddenly, I'm like, I'm not getting on this plane. It's one thing if you're just like, Hey, we're going to check IDs. No one would care. The fact that you go, I have my theories. I feel like that's happened before where they were like, We're just doubling. When you are traveling internationally, They look at your passport again. Also, it's possible that they're just being double-checking. The fact that she goes, I have my theories.

I was like, I'm out. I don't need your conspiracy theory YouTube shit. Say it legally on the speaker or don't say it at all. So we're all looking around suddenly like, do we... We start pointing fingers at each other. We're like, who the fuck are you? I'm looking around, I'm like, who is on this plane? So then I called Dez and I'm like, this might be the last time I speak to you. And he was like, the UN's in town. That's why. I'm like, Then why did she make it into this fucking drama? She's like, One of you is going to try and take this plane down, and I will figure out which one. It's like, Lady... I'm like, With planes, I don't fuck around. No. This bitch went off script. It was like, These darn New Yorkers, they're always planning something. And she goes, And you know there's a bad history. And I was like, I can't get into this right now. So anyway, everything was fine, except, Same lady, we get I'm not. I have nothing else going on in my life. How animated you are. I'm like, Wait, shouldn't we make this into a movie?

You're so passionate. We cannot. Then towards the end, they're always like, Let me get your drinks. We're about to land. She goes, Let me take your snacks. What the fuck? What is going on in America right now that... You're taking my brews? You're like, Did the UN tell you to do this? I had my theories, but why are you taking my. I'm sitting there with a huge bottle of water, and she's taking this poor man's peanuts, and I'm like, Let him have his peanut. What's going to happen? Anyway, the airports need to get it in check. The most important question. She was blonde. Okay. I was just going to say, In my head, I know exactly what she looks like. Yes or no, had blonde hair. Could have looked like any one of your friends' mom. Yes, she was a mom. But wanted to do a sassy updo, but really just had it clipped. A thousand %. You know it wasn't naturally down until that woman. I know that woman. It was the thing that she's been doing every day since 1975. Anyway, she was on one. But also I did get random checked.

I had a random check. It beeped. And low key, it's main character energy. When you go through and it beepes and they're like, You didn't I'm not making anything wrong, but we just want to double-check your shoes. I love knowing that there's something suspicious about me. I'm like, Yeah, you can't read my mind. You don't know what I'm thinking or plotting. I just love that they're like, Of everyone in this line, you're different. There's something about you that's different. And I'm like, Thanks for choosing me. I'm picking me on the line. I'm picking me. Oh, God. Support for today's episode comes from Square, your all-in-one business partner making your day-to-day easier. From point-of-sales systems and payments to inventory and customer tools, Square Square brings everything together in one simple platform. So maybe you own a cafe, a boutique, a restaurant, and you use Square, it enhances your experience. Everyone loves a seamless payment process, and running a business involves a lot of moving parts. Square helps simplify that. You don't need special training. You can set it up and start taking payments quickly. Square's point of sales system is not only user friendly, but also highly intuitive.

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Wait, I love looking at the note of our shared note because sometimes it's just so crazy. Just listen to this string of things. Coffee before a flight, new line, pedophile, new line, songs I'm listening to. That is so unhinged. Pedophile pipeline to songs I'm listening to? So insane. So insane. What is the pedophile line? I'm intrigued.

It's such a good question. I think it was.

I'm not knowing.

I'm like, it could be so many things. It could have been so many things. See, I have a theory. Okay. No, I was doing crowd work with a guy who had a mustache, and I was just going in on him. I was calling him all these names. And then at one point, I said, I was like, You look like a pedophile. And then I ran out stuff to say. So I said, So what do you do for a living? And he said, I work with children. And the crowd lost their minds. But he was the good man, Susanna.

He's not a paid actor. You couldn't script that better.

But you know what? Actually, this couple that I was talking to, I called a pedophile. His girlfriend messaged me after the show and said, We actually went through a really hard time. There was a death in the family. And this is the first time we laughed in a while. And she was like, Thank you for calling him a pedophile. It really made my day.

And really- And you know what?

Comedy is alive. Comedy is alive and well. We didn't discuss. I'm part of the dancing with the stars community now. Did you notice this?

Where would I have noticed this?

Okay, you don't follow me on TikTok. I did one of these.

I did see you did a really in-depth- It was six minutes. I was like, What is this? Espn? Swipe. I liked it. I swiped.

You supported, but you- But I kept going. Did you watch dancing with the Stars? I did.

I watched the first episode.

Okay. I had thoughts, and I didn't realize it's such a tight knit community that everyone was commenting and stuff.

No. Dancing with the Stars is a well-oiled machine. They have a podcast discussing it. They have such a lore. It's been on for 15 10 years, I feel like.

It's been on for a long time, but I guess TikTok is making it really hot. But apparently, one of the judges wasn't there, and everyone's like, She's really mean, Cari Ann. And I was like, First of all, I do I don't want a nice judge. We were raised on Simon Cowell. We were raised on like, He's going to read you to filth, and we all have to sit back and be like, Okay, that's part of the competition.

Simon Cowell It would get canceled now.

Well, now he has to be nice, and it's really funny. No, it's crazy. You see the words in his head be like, don't say that, don't say that, don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. I would be the worst judge. I did judge Is it Cake?

Oh, yeah.

It was heartbreaking. These people cooked for eight hours for my dumb ass to be like, There's cake.

Wait, I'm obsessed with the reboot of Project Runway because the new season, La Roche is one of the judges. Oh, he's amazing. Wait, I didn't watch the most recent episode. I just I saw a clip of it. I can't wait to watch it. But Tyra Banks is on it, and he quoted, We were rooting for you. We were all rooting for you. Tyra looked at him like, not amused by it. You could tell the energy almost like, As someone who's been on reality TV, sometimes people will say things to you and you'll be like, Okay, but also I was 25 and I had a camera in my face. But that's such an iconic... She wasn't whatever. Her, but you could just tell she was not... But she laughed a little, but I could tell how she felt.

Well, also fashion people, they take themselves seriously. But La Roche, I love how free he is out there. He's saying everything.

He's making the whole show. He is the star. You're only interested in what his opinion is. Honestly, sometimes I'll test myself. I'll say something and I'll be like, Okay, if La Roche agrees with me, this is my shining moment. This is me in my bed by myself.

Can I manifest it? I think you're going to be a judge on project.

I would love that. Then we have a difference of opinion, and I'm like, And this is why I'll never make it in this town.

Or it's good that you have a different opinion than him. My thing is, if this is me as a judge, did you try? You're perfect. You're literally perfect. Do you have a family at home? They love you. I love you. You're perfect. For my job to tell someone to ruin their dreams, they woke up that morning being like, I hope I do well, and I'm the one that tells them they didn't do well.

I think I'd be like, It's just not for me, personally. I'm so obsessed with it for you.

I'm so much of a people pleaser. It could be the ugliest thing, and I'll be like, Your vision is next level. But this is the thing. I'm excited for Kari Ann. I want to see her read people to filth.

Is dancing with the stars the way American idol- It's once a week. Oh, it's once a week. I thought for some reason, I thought it was twice.

Which seems like years.

So they perform once a week, and then it takes them a whole week. They get to practice a whole week for a new routine. Yeah. That is a quick turnaround. It is.

But I think they have a couple of weeks training beforehand to get ahead on some of the techniques.

You would have to because- Everyone's obsessed with Robert Irwin, the Australian. And all the more than- Whitney? What's going on in Salt Lake City that all the ballroom dancers come from there? Like in Utah.

Because they're so religious and they don't drink, all they do is-Dance? Dance. And they're sober, so they were like, We just would shake our ass as drunk. They're sober remembering choreography. Interesting. I heard that like, Romans are amazing at musical theater. They love musical theater because they don't have TVs. So the kids... Wait, that's the Amish. Sorry, that's the Amish. They're like, what? Like, don't some Romans. They put their hair in braids and then they sing choir choir songs. So they're singing choir songs all the time.

Got it. So they're just like natural born performers.

We were listening to Nelly. They were like,.

Okay, because I was just like, what is this weird pipeline of Utah and ballroom dancing?

Have you ever come across a TikTok video of, I was just going to say mini people, children? But they literally look like mini adults. Mini dolls.

Mini dolls. Children. Ballroom dancing.

No, but that's adorable.

It looks AI because they look like little men and women, but they're not.

I feel like that's abusive. Don't make children ballroom dance.

Also, I got really obsessed with ballroom dancers taking their hair out. Have you ever seen a ballroom dancer wash her hair after a night of ballroom dancing?

No. Do they have a wig or something?

No, I'm not kidding. They like, shellac. It's hard. They can tap it and knock on it and then them taking it down.

All I remember from my friends who were dancers was that they had to gel their hair and they'd have tons of sparkles and stuff. And they love their leos and leotards and stuff. And all of it was really scary to me.

Irish stepdancing ever come across your desk as a child?

I had a friend. It was the Irish stepdancer of Parksville, Brooklyn. And she would pull it out at parties. You know, Des could do it.

Like, river dancing? Every time the commercial would come on TV, like, River dancing.

Wait, so apparently it isn't true, but I was told that women or the Irish weren't allowed to dance in certain British bars or something. So that's how they would dance so that the bartenders couldn't see that they were dancing.

But obviously, I thought that was true. That seems like a myth. A limerick, if you That seems like not true.

Did you just say limerick? You're so cute. So, yeah, it's basically dancing where you don't use your upper body.

No, I was obsessed with it when I was little.

And they would keep their face like they weren't dancing.

And I don't understand what the correlation was to their really curly wigs, but I was here for it.

Maybe that was their hair.

No, they would put these massive hair pieces that were massive. And it was honestly RuPaul's Drag Race before that was a thing.

You know what this is? The next time I'm going to try new things. River it. That's what you get for putting ideas in my head.

Honestly, I have always wanted to have super curly hair, so I'll do it if I can do the hair look.

I feel like the footwork, it's a good workout, probably. But it is funny when girls will just break it out at the bar when they're 27.

Yeah, I just always thought it was so interesting.

How close can you... I don't want to expose you, but how close can you get to getting into a split?

Not close.

Okay. People don't even know I'm trying to do a split.

I know that I can get closer than you, but not close.

If we could do splits, I'd be in a split right now. Yeah. Like, I would, mid-conversation, I'd be like, You want to see something? It'd be my whole personality. My whole personality.

I'd have a different job, probably. I'd be the Cardi B of podcasting. Okay.

No, I can't even do the worm that well. And look how much I do. Imagine if I was good at the split.

Anyway, yeah. When people bust out a split at a wedding.

It blows my mind every time.

Here's the thing, though. If someone does a split at my wedding, I'm not the vibe.

No. Wait, that's worse than them wearing white. That's worse than them wearing white. If you do a split at someone else's wedding, you want to fuck her husband.

Yeah, I would just be like, Stop. Unless it... Actually, oh my God, I was just about to be so misogynistic.

I was going to- Unless it was a gay man.

No, I was going to say if a guy does a split at my wedding, okay. But if a girl does a split at my wedding, I'm like, It's not about you. But I just realized that was misogynistic and it caught myself.

Yeah, and that was a learning moment.

Actually, no one can split at my wedding.

Equal rights on this podcast.

And it's none.

But also, I feel like people who do squids, they have been able to do it since childhood. It's like you're born with it. You never lost. Maybe you're born with it, maybe it's maybe.

It's also It just seems genetic.

Yeah.

Heading off to college, at Harvey Norman, we have all the tech you need for the new term. Get specialists advice on our range of next-gen AI laptops and notebooks designed to help you work smarter, create more, and play harder. Your AI data stay secure on your PC without compromising performance. Power through tasks with multi-day battery life. Boost productivity with time-saving tools. Plus, meet your personal AI. Continuously learning and tailored to you. And with flexible payment options and our best price guarantee, why shop anywhere else? Harvey Norman, off to college.

Something funny. I'm going to Harvard this week. I'm going to- It's hard? Harvard. No, just regular Harvard. Okay. And speaking to one of their business classes. And I I literally got the email and I was like, Why? Do you guys want me? And then I thought, Let me throw the craziest fit.

Wait, I'm obsessed with this for you because- I'm upset. First, you wrote a book, which no one thought. No one saw that coming. No one saw that coming. Now, you're just rubbing it in people's faces.

Now, I'm just getting under people's skin.

Yeah, now this is just petty.

Now, I'm like, Sorry. Can we speak to a business class?

Wait, you're going to get honor a degree.

Well, hopefully, because currently I don't have one. You do have a degree. How am I going to go into Harvard and be like, I didn't go anywhere. You went to college. I know, but now it's not a thing. I feel like I need to be upfront and authentic with them and tell them I don't belong to any college anywhere as of recent.

But you're an inspiration to people who can't read. Thank you. I've gotten a couple of messages of people being like, Hey, I know you're making fun of the page for not being able to read or write your spell. But it actually comes off mean and I go, She told me she can't read. I'm literally just repeating what she said to me.

Never in our almost 10 years of friendship, have you ever said anything to me where I've been like, harsh? Like, ever. Hurt my feelings because it's most of the time accurate. Sorry, telling the truth is not a crime.

Also, this means I came up with something to try to make you giggle.

And also, it's funny.

And also, your New York Times best seller. Wait, so what do you... Is it fashion?

No, I don't quite know. They're like, Yeah, just to come. You're going to speak. I think that's just a Q&A. Yes.

Oh, I love a Q&A. Because one thing about us, we did a Q&A last week. We love to talk about ourselves.

There's no topic I'm more informed on than Myself.

We know.

My hopes, my dream.

We know. Every now and then, there'll be a random Q&A person. What do they call them? The one who ask the question? Moderator. Yes. And they are nervous because they don't ever talk. And I always have to look at them and I go, watch us go. Actually, you don't even have to ask a question. We'll just start talking.

If someone comes up to us and we're in a certain setting and they say, Hey, we need to fill blank number of minutes, me and Hannah go, beyond easy.

We She's been saving... We have it in our back pocket. We've been saving some material for this.

We can do a 20 minutes right now. Start the Timer. Do you remember when we did the CBS Morning Show and we were just going rogue? Oh, yeah.

And then they were like, I guess you guys can stay for another segment because we didn't hit one question about what you're promoting.

Yeah, we could do that. You are. We could do the show right now. Yeah. What are the segments? Yeah, let's just fuck it. We'll do it live. Just go. Turn it on.

I do think, though, it's because we're together. I feel like if I was alone, I'd be like, Let's have some self control.

There are times where we're in an interview and they'll ask a question. We enable each other. In my head, I'm like, If I go first, I'll quite literally die. And that's when my head whips over to you and I'm like, Hannah, why don't you take this one?

Actually, we love getting interviewed together.

Yeah, Because it's easy to bounce off.

Speaking of, by the time this comes out, our Hot Ones versus is going to drop. Do you have anything to say?

I mean, I have a lot to say.

We don't want to give anything away, but did you have fun?

I had a good Do you want to know when I didn't have a good time? Later that evening. I did not have a fun time. I thought I had to go to the hospital.

You did it before, but with a lot of people.

I did it before, but I didn't have to eat every single one. And we ate... How many were there? Five, six? A lot.

Because I did it once before. It was just me, so I had to go in, and they were like, Don't schedule anything after this because you're not going to feel okay. And And I was so nervous and scared. But you came in very.

I was like, This is fine.

You're like, I had sushi with wasabi yesterday. I can eat this.

I'll be okay. And I was okay doing it. But then it wasn't until two hours later that I think my stomach had digested. And the agita came. And it was like, Why don't you hold the fucking phone? This is the worst thing ever. And I actually thought at one point I was going to have to go to the emergency room because my My asshole was on fire. I had to get baby powder. I'm not kidding. I was like, This has never happened before in the history of any human. I literally forgot I had done hot ones earlier. That's how bad it was. I was like, No, I'm dying. My organs are shutting down. They're trying to come out of my body because they're done. They're absolutely done with me. I called my mom.

See, for me, that's a Tuesday.

Anyone with irritable bowel, I feel for them.

I I feel like as long as you do it quickly, it's like puke and rally. I do diarrhea and rally.

Not to mention the moment it started hitting me, I was in an Uber and my seat belt was on and I was like, something's not right. Why is the seat belt so tight? Take the seat belt off. And I was like, My pants are just so tight. And then I pull my pants and I'm like, You got to drive faster.

I'm going to die. You're so good at puking in Ubers, but you haven't done.

No, I haven't shit in an Uber yet. I'm working my way up to it. Maybe when I hit 35.

Which reminds me my favorite thing about Tor is the Uber drivers in different states. They come with a story. Sometimes they come with pets.

They come with- A lot of women.

A lot of women, which I love. Then some people where I'm like, How did... Some of them have crazy stories. But just in New York, no one talks to you.

Which is nice.

Where when I get dropped off in Richmond, I have a new best friend immediately. They're like, You're in my car. Let's talk. I'm practicing lying and saying I do marketing, but I'm so bad at it. I keep getting myself in kerfuffles.

Whenever someone asks me what I do that's not like a dad, I'll be somewhere and I'll be like a dad. Why? My My first reaction is to laugh. I just start laughing. I go, just different stuff. I don't know if it's my own internal, I'm embarrassed or-Do you know what you say now?

I'm a professor at Harvard.

I'm like, actually, I perform at Harvard. I perform for their business classes.

And I have an Uber, and they have to get me to the stage door sometimes, but they don't know. And they're like, Can I just drop you off at this theater? And I'm like, No, you got to go to the back. And then it's a whole thing. But I've made some really good friends along the way. And occasionally, if we get really close, I'm like, Do you want to come to the show tonight?

That's so nice of you.

I have a couple of tickets sometimes, extra.

See, you want to know here why we're a little bit different?

You go, I would over my dead body.

Over my dead fucking body. I'm way more scared of being killed than you are.

See, I like attention. I don't care what form.

Walking Walking down the street, I'm way more alert and anxious than I think you... I think maybe because you know that you could fight back. Is what it is.

I want someone to come for me. Really? I remember once I was walking with my friend and there were these two frat guys behind us and it was dark in the East Village, and they were talking loud, clearly trying to freak us out, and they were drunk. My friend was scared and I looked at her. I said, I've been fucking waiting for this moment. I hope they come for us because I have so much rage that I want to deal with this and I will save your life. Then they didn't because they could sense that I was ready to go. I think they can sense that. We have to normalize female rage. Also, what I learned up growing around, walking around New York, first of all, we're scared. When you would escape at night, I never escaped from my house at night in New York.

Oh, like, sneaking out. Sneaking out, yes. I'm like, What? When was I escaping at night? The suburbs are not jail, okay? We would sneak out. We weren't escaping.

We're not sneak out. I'm like, I'm going to die. You just know your boundaries. But when you I need to take this up for every day of school. I could have died a lot. No, 100%.

A taco Bell parking lot is not where a young 16-year-old girl should ever be at 3: 00 AM.

Sonic? Yeah. That's where everyone is hanging out on the burbs, apparently. But my advice to everyone is when you're walking, And there's scary people around you where you sense a man staring at you. You keep your head high and you look slightly angry. I don't make eye contact. I keep my head high, and you just look like something smells slightly bad. And they'll make comments. They'll be like, Oh, what are you upset about? I'm like, You. That is such good advice. Don't put your head down and look shy and scared. Head up, chin up, and you're focused. Also, I'm crazier than you, bitch. As my wise friend, Ellie Colbert once said, If it gets really bad, just shit yourself. They'll be like, No, thank you.

I actually think if something really did get really bad, I would pee.

You're crazier than them.

Interesting that you say head up Because I feel like I'm always looking down. My gaze is always at the sidewalk. No, head up. I'm not making eye contact, but I'm swift.

Yeah, you're swift. You're good.

She's getting in and out.

You want to have a confidence to you. And you also want to look not like you're trying to intimidate them more like you've just had a lot. You've had a day and you don't need anything else.

Well, remember, it didn't originate on TikTok. Someone did a study, and they asked criminals, what are things you to avoid. And it was people that look like they have a purpose. They know where they're going. They look organized. They're put together. They're more alert than someone on the phone.

It's like sharks, smelling fear thing. But I do have to say on the road, my favorite thing is I find a random lunchinette or a diner, and if the waitress knows who I am... Lunchinette?

Sorry. She is that girl.

Okay, what do you think diners feel about lunchinettes? They're like, Okay, why did she get the cool name?

Lunchinets are like, Oh, cute. You're a diner? We do lunchinets. What is a lunchinet?

A lunchinet is a gay diner.

I'm I'm obsessed with lunchinet.

A lunchinet is a diner that thinks it's better than you.

I'm naming my daughter Lunchinet.

Are you kidding? Wait, your next cat needs to be Lunchinet.

Lucy Lunchinette Berner.

Lunchinette wears those Amazon socks that have pearls on them.

Wait, that's an amazing cat name. Lunchinette.

Stop, it's so cute. Lunchinette. Okay. When I'm at my Lunchinette, if the waitress knows who I am, which you'd be surprised, not that often. No, but when she does and she's like, Oh, my God, what are you here for? And I go, I have a show tonight. You know they have a long... They've been working. These girls, when I'm at brunch, they've been up since 6: 00 AM. And if they're free that night, then I'll be like, I'll drop your name. So that's fun. That's very nice. That's fun for me because But then sometimes I'm like, Did they even want to go? Did I just force them to go to my show? And then you leave. They're like, no, I'm not going to. Thank you. I'm like, Come to my show. Anyway, that's what I've been up to. Oral of the story is I'm listening to Nashville. I downloaded the songs. Oh, sorry.

Wait, you forgot that in the beginning of the pod when you confessed your love for the show. You forgot that you also downloaded... What did you put them on a CD? I mean, what? There's an album?

I have to listen to music on the flight, so I'm not stuck with my own thoughts.

You're still so against entertainment on the flight.

Well, I'm taking some small flights that don't have entertainment.

I just can't believe you don't have an iPad. How you run your life without an iPad.

I said, Hey, what am I supposed to watch if they don't have a TV on the plane?

You bring your freaking iPad. You Download all the seasons, you get your normal headphones.

I still try to remember the '90s, okay? When all you had was your little CD player and all the CDs. I downloaded the wrong song and love like mine from season one, highly recommend.

Do you ever have moments in school where you were like, Yeah, I'm never going to need this. I literally don't care.

Dez has a whole bit about how calculators were so insane, and now we have calculators everywhere.

I just feel like I had a foresight as a child. Cool, I know I have to learn this, but I'm literally never going to need this. So I deep down don't care. And in my life, I I truly, I never needed any of that stuff. I feel like that's you with technology. You're like, No, don't care. Never going to need it.

None of my business.

That's for you guys. Not for me staying in my lane.

None of my business.

Wired headphones, please.

No, I flew American Airlines, and I was like, Where's the Delta headphones? And they were like, Bitch, you're in the wrong place. I go, If I don't get my Delta headphones right now- American Airlines, I'm pretty sure on the backs of their seat have a little holder for your iPad.

Or is that United? One of them.

I don't know.

Where it's like you could put your iPad in.

Am I going to be one of those moms who doesn't let their kid look at a screen until they're 17?

I don't know. The type of mom you're going to be, honestly, I can't even make wagers yet because it's too soon. But it could go in so many different directions, and I can't wait to see. Because there is a world where I have a conspiracy that you become the crunchiest granola, organic. Sorry, my kids don't have sugar, even though it's Halloween, mom. Or there's a world where you're like, they're self-sufficient.

Like the '80s.

They're putting themselves in the bath on their own, they're only two years old, and then they have practice at 7: 00 AM, and they have to wake themselves up.

There is a world where you're that. You know what? I dabble every day in my head between that. I have to say one of Dez's jokes. That's It's really funny that I think you'd agree with. He jokes about how... Sorry, I haven't seen him in a week, so I miss him. This is so fucking gross.

Where is he? What's he doing?

He's coming tonight from Vegas.

Are you going to shave?

This is such a fucking good point. We have to wrap this pot up. I don't know what you need to wrap it up.

You're literally who knows when's the last time you did? But I know that. I know that there's no way you preemptively shave for your husband to come home? No. No.

His joke is, what in the American system made us go up in times tables at 12? They were like, And we're good here. What about 13? What about 14? Why did we stop at 12? I mean, I guess it's because inches, but we're the only country that uses inches. Everyone else uses centimeters. I just feel like this is why we're behind.

It's hard my brain is. I'm going to just say it here now. Okay. Don't talk to me about feet, inches, millimeters, kilograms, quarts, tenspoons, tables, quarts. Isn't that a crystal? I mean, anything. Don't talk to me in that rhetoric or tone.

Well, also, as an Italian grandma, they just go put a little bit in. Like, I bought it. Put a pinch of olive oil.

Honestly, the amount of times my mom said, and I eyeball it.

I eyeball it. I eyeball it. Figure it out. That's all you need. Also, yeah, no. No one's measuring things. When was that time you measured something?

It's not for me. I just like...

So you can get prepackaged things. Or like, yeah.

Or people are like, How many ounces are in a blah, blah, blah? How about you shut the fuck up?

Also, the fact that we have to drink ounces of something is crazy. No one's actually... You remember they tried to put it on the drinks to be like, How many ounces have you drink? It's controlling.

No, I just like that. It makes me... It's mean. Very strict to me. It's rude.

The only thing I like to drink a lot is my Duncan Refresher.

I actually don't give this one enough credit.

The Mango Pineful. The Mango Pineful? Yeah. Well, that's mine that I like to have with not too much concentrate in green tea. When I'm on tour and I'm really sleepy at 5: 00 PM, I love a Duncan refresher. It just makes me feel awake and hydrated because I can't be drinking coffee at that time. I'll never go to sleep.

You put me on to the Mango.

Mango Pineful is really good. I'm going to say something controversial about New Yorkers. I think we all are eating the same four meals, even though there's billions of restaurants around. And that's why When your friend goes, Hey, I'm visiting in New York. What restaurants should I go to? And I'm like, I ordered from Chipotle.

I'm like, Unless- And do you know why? You go to POPO and just get chicken and rice, I can't help you. I have no idea.

But look, we're relatable.

And authentic.

Is key. Is the key to the world. Thank you guys so much.

And thanks to Duncan for making this episode possible.