Transcript of Conan Unboxes “Toy Story” Merch

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So we're going to do something a little different today. As we all know, Toy Story 5 came out. You play Smarty Pants. A few weeks ago, you were presented with the first ever toy of Smarty Pants, and you were really excited. We have this giant Smarty Pants here.

I know.

That's great. Can I criticize your open for just a second?

Yeah, anytime.

You just glossed over Toy Toy Story came out and you're in it and stuff like that. It's the biggest movie.

Oh yeah.

In like the history of the world.

Oh, the history of the world.

It's a massive— admit it's a massive hit.

It is huge.

And, um, and something is sweeping through the country right now, which can only be called Smarty Pants mania.

Oh boy.

People are doing the Smarty Pants dance. Uh, it is everywhere. Smarty Pants. You know, there's all this talk about how Smarty Pants kind of is the movie. Oh, I haven't—

do you have sources?

Which, which Character did you voice?

Smarty Pants.

Oh, OK. Oh, that's interesting.

It just occurred to me which one. But anyway, tons of articles are like, well, he— Smarty Pants is the movie. And oh, were there other characters? Who is this Bonnie and this Buzz? Oh.

Toy Story blasphemy. How dare you?

I just have to point out—

How dare you?

—the day before we went to the Toy Story premiere, you were like, oh, man, what if this isn't good? What if I'm the reason that this fails? Wow, you've really changed. Oh, I've changed.

I've changed. I've decided— I went from, oh, I don't want to be the reason this Toy Story 5 goes down to deciding that I'll take full credit for all of the movie's success. Oh my God. People don't know I did all of the animation. Oh! Yeah. Pixar was like, we're not sure how to do this. And I said, guys, guys, guys! And I went in there and I took over. You're a real computer guy. Oh, man, am I a computer guy. I'm a real computerer.

Oh, that's what they say. Yep. And you're just so humble about it too.

No, no, anyway, now I'm sure a lot of people have seen Toy Story 5. Just if you're checking the numbers, it seems like— Oh, God. It seems like everyone— I think everyone on Earth has seen it 3 times already. Oh, wow. But a 4th time, always a good idea. 5 for 5. So my character, Smarty Pants, is a— He's one of the tech toys, but he's the first level of tech toy, like the first tier. So just when they were starting to put tech into toys. And he is a potty training device. It was my insistence. I've been waiting for years. I've had many offers to do animation. I always said, "Come to me when it's a toilet training device." This was my insistence. It's time. Or did they—

I mean, like, it looks like a roll of toilet paper, Smarty Pants does. And it has a number 1 and a number 2 button. Yes. Yes. And is there any part of you that's like, why me for this specific project?

As I told them when they came to me and described the character, I said, I feel seen for the first time. Just felt right. Really seen. They see the real me. So yeah. And of course now I'm told there's Smarty Pants merch.

Yes. So we showed you the one toy a few weeks ago.

And let me just point out, and I think I should point this out, I don't get a piece of this merch. I've tried. You know, they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5? And I said, yes. And they said— and then I said, is there going to be any merch for my character? And they went, yes, there will be. And I went, well, I demand it. And they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5 or not? And I went, yes, please.

Oh, but you pulled it fast.

So I sure showed them. Yeah. So I don't profit in any way. I just thought this would be fun. Yeah. Let's take a look.

Let's go up against Disney. All right, what's the first one, David?

All right, first one is this little play scale. It's you and your little friends from the movie.

Oh, it's all my buddies from the movie.

Hey, let's see who's here. Well, look at that. Aww. Look at that. So you got Smarty Pants right here. That's a— he's adorable. There's Jessie. Jessie's got her hat. Jessie's the best. Good for sun protection. And, uh— That's why she wears it. I like any character that's being serious about sun protection. So Atlas, Snappy, and then of course there's Smarty Pants here. And what a lovely set. I think people should get this set. And if you do think I should have had a piece of the merch, Feel free to send me money.

You want the fans to send you money?

I think fans, if they really enjoy playing with their Smarty Pants, if they were nice, sensitive—

We're going to just move on. There's another playset, a few more characters in this one. We have Forky, Lily Pad, Buzz, and Woody up top. Okay.

And why am I on the lower level? I'm sorry.

Wow. Once you take them out, there are no levels.

Very nice. But no, this is the thing my agent should have been on top of. I mean, I love Forky. We all love Forky. But come on, I should be— I should be up here. So that's the kind of thing I'm going to get to. Rick Rosen, right after this segment, and I'm going to chew him a new asshole. I'm right there, though, with my typical— look at that, smarty pants sideways. He's got a little side eye.

The one eyebrow raise.

The old one eyebrow raise. That is— man, that's smarty pants. Hey, wait a minute. I don't like this. Woody gets his own box. Forky, all these guys. And then you get to my box. And look at that. I share a box with Atlas, Snappy, and then me. That's not going to happen in the future either. I want my own box.

Uh, aren't you a trio? Yeah.

You guys are all connected by, like, a USB.

I'm not connected to anybody!

Smotty pants. Hey, chill.

You know what? I probably went too far there.

Well, your character, your toy in this one is also on a stand with the two other characters.

Not if you have a power saw.

Oh. Here also, you can get this in a Kellogg's cereal box. Oh, look at this.

If you get Kellogg's cereal, you get a little smarty pants card. But then look at this. You turn it around and it's a Woody toy. It's Woody! What is that? They're using me.

This one's also Woody.

Look at this. They're using me to sell Woody. That's wrong. That's just wrong. Another thing I got to talk to WME about. Oh, boy.

We have so many, so many calls to make.

The calls that are going to my agents, my various reps. You should go to battle with Pixar for sure.

I think it'll be good.

You know what? They're shaking in their cartoon boots right now. I'll chase that lamp all across North America. It'll be hopping away from me. Come back here, lamp!

Oh no, he's crazy. I love the lamp being the attorney for Pixar. The lamp is the attorney.

I read your contract and it seems to me Oh, sorry.

Smarty Pants has his own Funko.

Look at this. We got some Smarty Pants Funkos right here. Funko Pop. You know what? You gotta go with the Funko. We've had a bunch of Funkos from all those years of doing Comic-Con. And now this is added to the legion of Conan Funkos. Yeah. Very nice. You know what this means? I'll be signing these at airports for the rest of my life. Yes. And outside Sizzler restaurants. Yes. I don't know why, but they always get me at the Sizzler.

Conan is the most Funko'd person.

We're gonna look it up right now. Somebody is rating him. Dame Judi Dench.

Oh, what's this?

Look at this little wallet. This is a wallet. It'll hold your credit cards. This is a wallet.

Look at this. You have all your credit cards back. Oh, I thought it said Prada. It says Pixar. It's like, wow, Prada? Prada. Look at that. You can get a, you can get a smarty pants wallet right here, guys. This is incredible.

I would love to be at a restaurant with you one day and you pull that out.

This is what I'm going to use from now on. And I'm going to go to very fancy restaurants. And then when it comes time, I'm going to make a big show of saying, Time to pay. Oh really? Let me get my wallet. Huh? Oh, oh, oh, Smarty Pants! Yes, that's me. I'm the voice of Smarty Pants. And then cut to the exterior of the, uh, restaurant, and I'm just thrown out, and then this wallet hits me on the head. Here's some more. So Conan, you are the most Funko'd person with 38 different Funko dolls. Stan Lee is 37 and Elvis is 30. This is incredible. And you wonder why I've gone insane. It's just too much success. This is ridiculous. It's too much success. No one reaches this status in show business, has a wallet. Can I just say, this is a clumsy wallet. The whole idea of a wallet is for it to be aerodynamic, and they've put a giant chunky toilet on this one.

Can I just make a comment? I don't think it's for adults. I think it's for kids. And I think that it's for kids to play school with.

So this is where kids put their credit cards? Yeah, I don't know.

But I know, I know it's not for grown men to put it in their back pocket.

So when kids— I don't know. When I was a kid, I didn't have anything that could go in here. Not one thing. They like to pretend.

Yeah. Okay. That's fine. It's not adults wearing it.

Now we're getting into the shirts and the hoodies.

What's this? Explain what's happening here, because I don't know that much about fashion.

This is a hoodie with like a retro looking Smarty Pants on it.

I got to put it on.

You can get them at like Amazon selling them, Hot Topic selling them. What? Again, Smarty Pants.

Conan O'Brien in no way participates financially. This is me as a fan of Smarty. Oh no.

That's a cool— that looks cool.

I guess I'm just going to start.

This looks cool.

It actually does look cool. It's like a— I love that retro '80s print.

This will never fit me. Look at this. This is for obviously a toddler or a very small child. Yeah. Very cool. It's the— it's Smarty and the Gang.

Uh-huh. Technically awesome, it says. Yeah.

Oh, look, this is nice. I like this one. There I am right there with Woody.

It's a blue sweater. It's a blue sweater.

That's a good color for me.

It says Playtime and it's Smarty Pants and Woody.

Uh-huh. Oh my God. Sorry, I'm just describing it. This is going to be flying off the shelves. Everyone's going to want one of these. I like this one.

That's cool.

This is nice.

Picture Smarty Pants with that jelly hand that he has.

He's got that jellied hand. Incredible. It's like a— what is it? A baseball shirt?

Baseball shirt. Yeah. Here's a shirt that says I need to recharge.

I need to recharge. Okay. Because Smarty Pants, Does run on electricity and AA batteries.

Yeah, batteries. Do we need this much?

I mean, here. Here's another— What are you talking about?

Don't you think this is, like, a little too much for—

No! For Smarty?

Listen. For a side character?

Hope you struck a nerve.

A lot of people are saying I am the comedic and emotional center of the movie. Oh, okay.

It's not just me.

And when I say a lot of people, Is it you? It's me. And me alone. But wow, look at this. There's Smarty.

That's the one you're wearing just in a t-shirt form.

Yeah, that's great. Okay.

All right. This one, you recorded the lines for this toy in that chair. Press.

Oh, that's when he's low on batteries. This is actually my voice. When do people ever get to hear my voice? You've got to get this toy or you'll never hear my voice. If you don't have this toy, my voice is lost to you forever. Just trying to get some batteries out of the deal.

Don't you want it to shut up? Like, that's how we feel.

At least this one's not motion activated like the other one.

There is a motion activated one, and I almost killed it.

Well, I was here, like, I had to grab something at night once, and he started just talking in the corner.

Oh my God. You look like such a shill right now wearing the sweatshirt and—

Look at this. Don't I look like— Hey, you're never going to find me selling out to the man. I wish we had a hat. That's not my style. That's not who I am. I have never seen—

They're like all different sizes too.

There are so many different Smarty Pants toys. It's too much. And they're different.

Stop saying that, Jonah. This one's also motion activated.

Can I say one thing you're not going to like? Uh-oh. I think it's not enough. Oh, okay. I think there should be a car. That's patterned after Smarty Pants that you can get in? It's like a really expensive car. I don't know.

Like a rolling toilet paper.

I like that you don't know. You're not sure that that's a good idea.

This is going to be fun for everyone. Everyone gets involved. It's a mystery box. We got to see who can find the Smarty Pants. I've got a—

Play! Did you see how I caught that with one hand? That's so cool. That was really cool.

Wait, we got to find out. It's a—

We have to find out. It's a mystery. All right, well, I got this.

Let me see who I got.

I got this pig. Okay, try again.

How about if you just—

I got him, I got him!

You got Smarty! Oh, I got the other person. Isn't that weird when the guy who is dealing the game wins? I didn't cheat. Look at him, this is adorable. He's a little guy. So this is a toy where kids don't know who they're gonna get.

You don't know who you're gonna get, it could be—

Do you realize there are gonna be riots in malls when kids don't get Smarty Pants? It could be. When they get stuck with the pig. You know what I mean? That's true. Or like the stapler, whatever.

With his hand. Yeah.

His little jelly hand. A little jelly hand. When kids get that, there's gonna be rioting in malls. His hand has his own limb. A kid says, "I can't wait to get Smarty Pants." They pull out this jellied hand. Suddenly you see a drone shot, a news helicopter shot of a mall being torn apart by kids. And so, you know, they bring in riot police who shoot cannons filled with little Smarty Pants to calm them down. How deluded am I? How insane am I?

We should have never done this. We never—

You know what? This is so weird. I have to admit.

He's going to start setting things up. There's a book. There's a sticker book.

Oh, my God.

Look at this. And, like, one of those, like, golden— Oh, those are cool. Golden books.

Yeah, those are classic. God. Everything's just going the way I always intended it to. Yeah. This was the plan long ago. Back when I started my career. Oh! What's that?

There's mystery snow globes.

What?

It's a snow globe. Okay.

You know, you're— I think you did these in the wrong order, David. You've gone too far. David started with the biggest wow ones, and now he's down to, oh, look, it's a little sticker that can go on a frying pan.

It's a box that may or may not have your toy.

You guys, you admit you did this in reverse order. You did this in reverse order.

I think it's better this way.

You ended on the t-shirts. He ended on the t-shirts and now he's opening toys that possibly have Smarty Pants in them, but most likely statistically not.

I got him. Hey. Oh, Smarty.

Oh, he's trapped. Trapped, I say.

I just love that the lamp is watching everything that we do.

You know who's really appalled by it all? My wife. My wife's just like— We also have a cheese, Smarty Pants cheese. No! Yes. Smarty Pants cheese? What kind of cheese? It's like the little Babybel, little— I think they're cheddar, little cheddar cheese. Okay. Okay.

Eric got some today. He commented.

Can I say one thing? Sona, I honestly don't think this has gone far enough. And I'm being serious. This is great. This is amazing. This isn't enough because right now America is gripped with Smarty Pants fever. A lot of people thought that July 4th, 2026 was going to be the 250th celebration. But you're not hearing about that. That fizzled. You know what's happening instead? Smarty Pants mania! I have a question.

Earlier you said there's a Smarty Pants dance taking over the nation. What's the dance? How's it go?

It's a rock to the left, a rock to the right, flush, flush, and then a spin. And you know what? People are doing that everywhere. I see. I can't—

I haven't seen it yet. It's everywhere.

I've never not seen it. I've never opened my eyes in the last month and not seen that.

Can I make an appeal to the Pixar merchandise merchandising department. Yep. Fucking stop. Just stop. We're good. There's plenty of Smarty Pants merch.

Pedal. I think we made our point. Pedal to the metal. And you can say something else. They know what they're doing.

They do, though.

They have research. Yeah. They know what they're doing. You know what they know? When they see Smarty Pants mania, they know what to do.

You know, you can step into reading and, like, learn how to read with Smarty Pants. Look at that.

Jesse meets some of Blaze's old forgotten toys known as the Tech Trio. First, there is Smarty Pants, voiced by a needy Irish Catholic boy from Boston. He has a hole in his heart that can never be healed. Oh, this is real. I didn't think these books got into it in this level. Yeah, the love he didn't get as a child in a large family will never be salved. Wow, that's an incredible word. S-A-L-V-E-D. It's right here for kids. The only way to ameliorate this problem is by constantly calling attention to himself. Jesus, this is terrible. All the cognitive therapy in the world cannot help. It's still going. The voice of Smarty Pants. It just goes on for pages and pages about Smarty Pants. I'll skip ahead a couple. Okay.

Yeah.

Take us to the end.

You'd think each success would calm him, but no. On the contrary, each success only feeds the need for more success. It's a bottomless cup of coffee with the needy, sad voice of Smarty Pants. Who wrote this? Wait a minute, my therapist? You didn't see that coming, did you? How you doing there, Sona?

You having a good time?

This is the hardest I've seen her go in a while. You are really— I just love the backstory on Smarty Pants's voice. It really goes— Yeah, and they keep talking about the voice. In the rest of the book, they just talk about the characters. But when they get to Smarty Pants, they say, "Has the voice of a desperately sad man." sad, cloying, needy creep. It says the beady-eyed voice of Smarty Pants. How would they even know? How does a voice have beady eyes? Yeah, don't listen to Sona. Uh, whoever's behind this— Disney, Pixar— stop. Go, go, go. More, more, more.

I think we've had enough.

And remember, if you think I should have had a cut of the merch Send cash to the Conan O'Brien Fund. Put up your Venmo. I should put up a Venmo that's just me, a guy who doesn't need money, demanding money for my Smarty Pants merch. That they already bought.

It's not like they're getting free merch.

Can I do a Kickstarter where I want— that doesn't work. Is there any way I could get a Kickstarter? A GoFundMe is what you want? Oh, sorry. A GoFundMe. Yeah. I didn't get a piece of the Smarty Pants merch, and I feel I'm entitled. How would that go over in America right now? In this America right now, how would that go over? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I demand it. Sweep the nation. David, have my Bentley brought around.

GoFundMe. I love the description. Conan O'Brien did not get a cut of the merch. Yeah, of the merch. Please donate to the cause.

Please donate to the cause. I want to really— a really sad song as it zooms in on his face.

Yeah, I will be— I will be— everywhere I go, mobs will descend on me and tear me apart. All right, well, this was— I have to say, this was really fun. I am really excited.

This is really cool. And I'm— I'm— I'm—

it's a little otherworldly.

I have to say that all this stuff for yourself, it's insane.

It's insane. And I can't wait to see it on a blanket at someone's flea market.

And there are people who really collect all this stuff, and this is like, you know, this is really cool. It's a a lot of really cool stuff. It's beautiful. It's designed well.

What are you doing? We're not selling this stuff. We are not. You already said we don't get a cut of it. We in no way participate. You can say whatever you want. It doesn't matter. It is. I like the—

I like Pixar a lot. So, you know, I, I just, you know, that's just your—

that's, that's you. That is me being actually sincere.

Yeah. Because earlier I was telling them they do have to stop. I do love that the lamp goes after people who upset everything.

Yeah. The lamp— a lamp crashes through your door. If you violate their precepts. Just separate me from these other two deadbeats. Craig Roberts is going to come to my door, just cave my head in with a pipe. All right, you heard it here. What did, what did we hear? What did we hear? All we did was pile up a ton of Smarty Pants merch. Go, go, go! The business of America is business.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leão. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Erin Blaird. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Birm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get 3 free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.