Transcript of Eric Andre Returns Again

Hi, my name is Eric Andre. And I feel like sandpaper. Ask Conan O'Brien's friend.

How are you sandpaper? I don't know.

I realized last time I said moist. So I was about to say moist again. And then I was like, no, you already did that joke. And then I was like, what's the opposite of moist? Fall is here. Hear the yell.

Back to school.

Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am joined by Sona Movsesian. Hey, Sona.

Hi.

Matt Gourley, how are you, sir?

Hi, good, thanks.

I'm going to attempt something that has very low odds of working.

Yeah.

And I'll explain why. I thought, hey, maybe we should talk about World Cup. It's a huge thing. Massive, biggest sporting event in the world. It involves 48 countries. It's being hosted by Canada, Mexico, USA. But here's the problem. I don't think anyone here in this podcast right now, just the three of us, really cares about the World Cup.

That's not true.

It is true.

It's not true.

I don't think you care at all.

I'm sorry. It's the only sports I ever watch every 4 years. I really enjoy the World Cup.

The only sports I ever watch?

See? You know, you're not selling it. You guys know that I don't care about I actually love it too, because soccer players are hot. They're really good. That's why you watch. That's why I watch.

When you're watching with your boys, you go, I do that guy.

Yeah. And I high-five them like, right boys, he can be your dad.

Yeah. Oh my God, you guys want a brother? That's just— come on, man. Clean it up, Shona.

I love tack too. I don't want—

two. No, two. That's nice. Oh, my heart also has warmth for the father of my children. Okay, I shouldn't say that. What I'll say is I wouldn't say the three of us are well-versed in talking about World Cup.

Correct.

Right.

And we are recording this, I think, 3 weeks ahead of time. So we don't know where in the World Cup, uh, certain teams will be, who will be eliminated, what's going on. So we're really attempting something that I think is difficult on maybe 7 different levels.

Yeah.

And, um, what's that?

Did you say several or seven?

He mixed both on severin' different levels.

Yeah, well, sorry, sorry I didn't let it stop. Sorry, I have a hard—

I was gonna let it go.

No, no, but I have a hard time when I talk about the sports of soccer.

Oh, that's right, you didn't let that go.

Fuck you.

Yeah, hit him, hit him hard.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna ask Eduardo to really help us out here because Eduardo This, uh, this is something that's very near and dear to your heart. You need to supply the passion here.

Okay.

You need to supply the passion cuz I'm not gonna get it from anywhere else on this table. All right, so let's talk about it. We're a couple of weeks in. What do you think has happened by this point? Who's been eliminated? Oh man, come on.

All right, so I'll tell you that going into this, the top 5 countries predicted to compete for the final is Argentina, Spain, France, Portugal, and maybe Germany or England. Uh, give or take one of them.

It's the same as it almost always is without Brazil.

So where are the Dutch?

The Dutch are actually considered a dark horse in this tournament.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Great question.

No, no, I did know that the Dutch, uh, and, and it's funny cuz when you think someone's saying, where are the Dutch? You'd be like, oh, he's making a joke. No, I'm not. They, they're very good. Yes. And they could come outta nowhere. Wouldn't that be fantastic if the Dutch were still in play?

I wouldn't be surprised if they're making a deep run.

So, yeah.

So if we're looking into our crystal ball, That's a good prediction.

And if you're listening right now and the Dutch are out of it, that's on Eduardo. Okay, I believe. Sure, I'll take that one. Okay, so go ahead, tell us more.

Uh, yeah, it's being hosted by 3 different countries, all North American.

What does that mean when they say hosting it? Uh, yes, that's where the actual events are taking place, correct? But does it— they also have to— you know, when you hear host, sometimes you think they have to supply food, drinks, that kind of thing.

Hosting the Olympics, man, not hosting it for game night.

I know, I'm just trying to do a new thing where when you host, you really should be a host. You shouldn't charge for food and drink, and there should be an audience in music. There should be music. You should, uh, it's just an idea I had.

Awkward banter in the beginning. Yeah, exactly.

And then people should say, hey, knock it off, if it goes after 10.

Um, every spectator has to send a thank you note.

Well, speaking about—

thank you notes are huge.

Speaking of after 10, the cool thing about this one for us that live here in the States or in North America, the times are like reasonable times for us to watch.

So I don't have to go to a pub at 3 in the morning to watch Croatia play against Orlando. Correct.

There'll be games starting at noon and the last game will be like at 7 o'clock at night. So yeah.

Oh, fine.

Yeah, it's a full day of soccer. The dream.

Let me ask you something. And this is something, 'cause I'm a Patriot. America's getting better. Aren't we getting better? It's, I know it's a long road, but what does America have to do to really be competitive in world soccer? That's a good question, I think.

It's a great question.

Thank you.

They have taken a lot of steps forward and a couple small steps back. So this one, it's a crapshoot. USA, some of us wouldn't be surprised if they're still in it at this time in 3 weeks. Some of us wouldn't be surprised if they're actually—

where do you fall, Eduardo? What do you think?

I, I'd be surprised if they're still in it at this point in 3 weeks. That's not to say that they're not good. I, I just—

is it one of those things where it's just, it's, we didn't, um, in other countries it's just such a part of the culture and it's not as much here? And maybe you— is this a graph that's never going to completely take Meaning, will we ever be really competitive with Argentina, with Spain, some of these other countries?

No, I think we will get there. I think it's just taking a lot longer. I think we're competing as like the fourth major sport. Well, now fourth major sport. At one point it was like the fifth or sixth major sport in this country. It's slowly turning.

I think pickleball has slowed us down.

I agree.

I think the excitement around pickleball, excitement around pickleball, I think we were starting to gain and then everybody who was really starting to get interested in soccer, or as of course others say, football. They— pickleball came around and now I think it's— that has added another 100 years. I agree.

We should ban pickleball.

There's a lot of overlap.

I don't like that it competes.

Are you going to a game?

I hope so.

Also, what's that game where on your iPhone you put—

Heads Up.

Heads Up.

That's what we've been playing a lot.

I think Heads Up put us back another 100 years too.

And you're deciding settlers of Catan as well.

I think— what's that?

Settlers of Catan.

What's that?

It's this famous board game that everybody played for like 10 years.

You don't know Catan?

There's like bartering.

Wheats and textiles.

Oh, I love it when people come over and we have some wine and we all start bartering. I probably would. I probably would. I shouldn't be— I shouldn't be negative about it, but I do think that Heads Up.

Yeah.

Something of Catan.

Wait, you can get Catan but not Settlers?

Remember the hard one?

I thought it was Chris Catan. I thought—

And pickleball.

And then pickleball. I think those things have probably destroyed our chances of being competitive in what I call football and which Eduardo calls soccer.

Sure.

Yeah, I just, I'm, but anyway, that's what's happening.

Yeah.

I resolve almost every year to pick a team and really get involved and really follow soccer.

So who are you going to pick?

Yeah.

Who's your pick?

You got to go with the Dutch now.

I don't have to go with the Dutch.

Well, it's a figure of speech.

That's true. And I think a worthwhile figure of speech, to be honest with you.

Do you know any Soccer players?

Do I know them? I mean, personally, I'm very good friends. I don't know the sport very well, but I'm very good friends with most of the players. Oh, Messi. Messi was at my house like 3 weeks ago.

Okay. He was.

He comes by a lot.

You guys are not hanging out.

What are you talking about? Why would you find that hard to believe? He loves my house and he always wants to go over to Sandler's house. And I'm like, what do you need Sandler for? I'm here.

Okay.

And he's like, Sandler, I'm much more famous than you. And I said, why are you talking in that stilted way?

And he said, you're trying to do an Argentinian accent.

Yeah. And he said, you know so little about me. You do. Stilted accent. That's what he said. This is all true. He said, your impression of me belies the fact that we are not friends and you don't know me in real life. That's what he said to me. And then I said, belies the fact? Why are you speaking in broken English and then saying belies the fact? And he said, this is a terrible riff, don't do it on the podcast.

No, I'm going to do it severin' times.

Yeah, I'm going to do it severin'.

Severin'.

Okay, that's funny. That's funny.

That's when you misspoke, remember?

I don't remember.

I don't remember.

It's so seldom. It rarely happens at all. Rarely happens at all.

Oh my God.

But it does happen. He's dying right in front of us. Hey, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

This is really dark, but let's say something were to happen to me. There was a medical event. Oh God. And then later on, a doctor said, didn't you hear it in the podcast? The degeneration of his neuromuscular ability.

Do you want to hear something darker? You've asked this question before.

I know! Oh no! But aren't you guys going to— I know that I've asked it before, but I'm begging you guys. To please pay attention. Oh no, when I misspeak, don't giggle. Say, are you okay, Conan?

We're trying to move it along.

Let it happen.

Yeah, get me to the grave faster.

Yes, yes.

And you can all do your pity episode. Oh, we're so sorry about Conan.

Ka-ching!

It's gonna be a Thursday episode.

Oh, on a Thursday we talk about Conan's passing. Oh my God, that would be great. And then stick around, we're getting together the cast of Facts of Life. Oh, that'd be cool.

Can you name them all?

Can I name them all?

Yeah.

Tootie, Joe.

No, their real names, you rookie.

What? I want to hear their show names.

Tootie, Joe, Blair.

God, this show meant a lot to you.

It did. But I do know the theme. Natalie. Natalie!

We were walking in here. I went, today, I wonder. I'm not kidding you.

Stop.

I went, I was singing Facts of Life. I wonder if that'll come up on the show today.

Stop it, Matthew.

I'm not saying I'm psychic. I'm saying I'm close.

What? Yeah. Were you watching it recently?

No, it just came to my—

Can I say something?

Yeah.

A lot of our listeners think this thing is so well-crafted, they must write it ahead of time and really work out the architecture of it. And I want to say that, um, I think this podcast episode proves that that is not the case.

Yeah. America's screwed.

Because—

Like the soccer team.

We—

they are.

You know? Because we were just talking about Soccer, World Cup, and then it's Facts of Life. And then you're singing the song. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have the facts of life.

The facts of life.

You take the good, you take the bad, and then what?

You take them all, and then you have—

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all? No, wait, you said you take it all. You take the good, you take the bad, and there you have the facts of life.

And there you have— I said, yeah.

When the world never seems to be living.

That lyric doesn't make any sense.

Don't act like you don't know this.

No, but what I'm saying is I don't know this song.

No, you did watch the You take the bad, you take them both, and there you have.

Oh, you take them both? Oh, that's right. That makes more sense grammatically.

I don't see how that makes sense as lyrics. You know what song did make sense? Charles Was in Charge.

Okay.

Charles in charge of our days and our nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights.

That doesn't make sense.

That doesn't make sense either.

No. Why is the nanny in charge of your days and your nights?

And you're like your moral compass of your wrongs and your rights. Yes!

It's too much responsibility for him.

Anyway, that's our World Cup wrap-up. Yeah! What a mess.

Into Eric Andre.

All right, my guest today is a hilarious comedian.

That was an intro. Oh my God.

Of The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim. What a mess.

Now you can see this is what people come for, and this is what we promise, and this is what we deliver, and I don't regret it.

Now you can see Eric, our good friend, in the new Netflix movie Little Brother, a movie he made with Mr. John Cena.

I will also say this is appropriate for this interview.

It really is, because it's all the The wheels have come off this trolley many times. I always love, uh, when Eric stops by. Eric Andre, welcome. Here's why I love having you on the podcast. You are a cartoon character. You're not a real person. And I am a cartoon character. I'm not a real person. And when we're together, I'm just happy.

Mm-hmm.

Because—

And the rest of America's annoyed.

Annoyed and miserable at the shenanigans. But you don't live in the real world. And whenever I— you just don't. You just don't.

You think I stand out?

You are, uh, you're an insane cartoon character. You bounce off walls, you crash through ceilings.

Yeah.

To the delight of everyone.

Well, my comedy hero is Gonzo from The Muppet Show.

Oh.

I had this VHS tape growing up. It was called— It was a clips episode of The Muppet Show that Gonzo hosted in a Hugh Hefner vest. And his wife was that chicken. Remember he had a chicken for a wife? And he hosted this thing. It was called, like, "The Weirdest Sketches on"— It wasn't called "The Weirdest Sketches on The Muppet Show," but it was like, "The Weirdest Parts of The Muppet Show." It had a more elegant title than what I'm saying. And it was just a clip show. And he was like Dick Clark slash Hugh Hefner. And he intro'd all the weirdest clips from The Muppet Show. And I would watch that VHS, like, over and over. Over and over and over. Formative. Formative. I haven't thought about that.

For me, it was Warner Brothers cartoons. But I always thought, well, that's the highest form of comedy, is people getting stretched out, elongated, people looking into camera and going, uh-oh, and then falling.

Yeah.

And then I would walk away like an accordion. Those are the— I just willed myself to be one of those people.

The reality is you'd have a horrible and painful death.

Yes. But no comedic value. Eric, I would, but the coroner would say, oh my God, We just looked at the X-rays of his body. It's an accordion, you know? And then they would push on each side of my body and would go like, wah-oh, wah-oh.

Weird Al Yankovic would be like, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan.

So, Joel, for all those reasons, I'm delighted you're here.

I really am. I don't want to leave. You had to forcibly remove me last time.

I did.

This is my favorite podcast. You're one of my favorite human beings.

Oh, that's so nice.

When I look in— Then why are they—

why the angry mail all the time from you?

Uh, well, I hope you die.

And then you sign your name, yours truly, Eric Andre. Why do you write those to me? And your return address is on them, and they're filled with anthrax.

I don't know.

Oh, that's what that is? Yeah, I thought it was powdered gold.

You know, celebrities, they're not well. Um, I'm not a celebrity. I still drive an Uber. But, um, as a passenger or as a driver? Okay. As a— it wasn't a good joke. You know, that also died in my mouth. There's a tombstone on my molar.

Here lies Uber joke. You'd be a great Uber driver or a terrible one who wouldn't stop talking. But I would love it if you picked me up in an Uber. That would be so much fun.

I— what do you do when they start chatting you up? Or back in the day, yellow cabs when you were in New York City, when they start chatting?

It's gonna sound weird to people. What would you—

would you— would Lean in and chat, or would you just be like—

I think they want him to stop chatting.

No, no, this is what's weird. This is what's weird. And I hope this doesn't put people off of me, but when I call an Uber, I did— I bought one of those plexiglass separators, and I have it. It's heavy, and I carry it with me, and I call an Uber, and when I get in, I quickly attach it. Oh, God.

You have one for each make and model of these cars?

I say— I look up which car they're going to be— they're like, "Oh, it's going to be a Toyota 4x4." And I go like, "I know which one is for the Toyota 4x4." I know which one is for, you know, I mean, literally every kind of SUV.

Your house is like a Plexiglas factory.

That's all it is.

Yeah.

And I quickly shout to my son, and this is, I won't let him go to college, so he just is the guy that, he is my caddy for Plexiglass separators. And I'll just say things like, it's a, you know, it's a Subaru Outback. And he's like, got it. What year? And I'll go, '98. And then he rushes in. So that's kind of a dick move. And they always get very like, what the fuck? And I'm like, shut up.

I don't want to talk to you.

And then I actually drill into their seats and they don't like that.

You go, "Uh-uh-uh." "Sissy-wissy." "No talkie-walkie." "No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Shh." Now, what do you do? Because I would imagine we're probably similar spirits that you like to talk to people. You like talking to anyone, right?

Not in the— not in the cab. Not in the Uber. Well, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I'm— I'm catching up on work and I'm locked in, and I got my laptop on my lap, or I'm doing work on the phone.

What, are you building a rocket? What are you— what? I'm locked in. I'm getting the specs for reentry. You got to get just the right— What the hell are you locked in on?

I'm writing.

I'm trying to write jokes. I'm trying to write ideas.

Okay.

You've worked in this business.

Really? I've never sat down and written a joke. I just go—

You wrote on legacy shows.

I did, I did, but I was never— I had to— in my defense, I did, but I was never locked in. No, I get it, I get it. I'm just giving you shit because I—

that's—

it's fun, you know. We're good guys, we're guys hanging out, don't give me shit.

You're harassing me.

I'm harassing you. I'm harassing you.

You're constantly harassing me. You show up at my house. I don't know how you got my address. I think you looked through the paperwork.

I look at the return address on your hate mail. It's funny because the last time I saw you, I was doing a club here in LA, and you were about to go on, and it's the same thing. If I'm about to go on—

I had my— I'm not going to say ginger. You get that too often. I have my redhead friend from Australia, very funny comedic actor, Rhys Mitchell. And instantly, you guys locked eyes, and you went over to him, and you went, "When's the last time you got your skin checked?" And you guys talked about skin for like 30 minutes. And then you went up and you're like, "I gotta get ready for the act." Oscars. It was like a match made. They saw each other and it was like they were instant best friends, and they just talked about skin health.

And you kept trying to—

what two widows do when they've lost a husband or something.

That's right. That's right. How are you managing? I'm getting by.

And instantly, there was no hesitation. He like— you looked into Reese's eyes and you just went right in, and you, you gave him like a dermatologist number.

You guys were—

and it was like, it I got him to take off his shirt and I did a very close exam with those special glasses and that special light, and I did not like what I saw. Um, yeah, but it's funny how you didn't let me answer—

rude, by the way— what, how I am in an Uber. And I am very rude in an Uber. No, I, I, I don't usually like to talk. Well, I like to talk if the person's interesting, but but it's a crapshoot. So the risk— I do a risk assessment.

Yeah.

And sometimes the person knows when to stop talking and start talking, and sometimes they're interesting in stuff you're interested in. Sometimes it's a crazy person.

Yeah.

So you do a little bit of risk assessment. So I don't— because I don't want that, like, you know, 3% of them that are batshit crazy. There was a guy, as soon as I get in Got in his car, within 10 seconds he's like, I love fentanyl, man. That's my problem. And I go, I go, well, oh yeah, I'm listening to some tunes in my— you see my headphones? I was like, that's— I'm sorry, that's horrible. And he's like, God, I just quit though. I just quit. I go, oh, when? Couple days ago. And he's pulling up to my house, so I'm like, great, now this guy has my home address. And I'm like, this is an office. It looks like a house that I live in. It's an office. I'm going to work at the end of the day. It's kind of a weird job, and I can't tell you anything about it because I don't like the fact that you have my personal information. And he was telling me, he's like, the patches are better than shooting it up, but shooting it up with the patch on— but I'm through with that shit, man.

Oh, so he's been driving you? Yeah, yeah, he's been in charge of whether you live or die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, uh, I'm plagued by that Uber driver, and my heart goes out to his, his afflictions, but, uh, I was trapped in it. And we were in like the thick of traffic. Like, we're in West Hollywood at like 5 PM. So it was like the slowest— what would take like 20 minutes to get back to my house took like an hour and a half, you know? And it was the longest afternoon of my life.

Yeah, it was rough. I always say this: if the driver's been weird and they pull up to my house, I always say, "It's been nice, uh, talking to you. By the way, we're selling my house tonight." To Eric Andre.

Yeah.

Who, by the way, loves visitors. And has a stash of fentanyl. Yeah. Keeps vintage fentanyl.

He keeps his fentanyl right by his loose cash. He's got the loose cash room and the fentanyl room. And a bedroom, that's it. Not even a kitchen in there. Anyway. Oh, well. Yeah, I always say to people when they pick me up from my house, or if it's a guy like the Amazon guy recognized me or the UPS guy. I go, I just go, yeah, I'm Airbnb in this place. Pretty trippy, huh? Anyway, yeah, think about the address.

Why is there a mural of you on the garage? Oh, well, that's why I Airbnb.

Yeah, to do a self-portrait on the garage.

Yeah.

Um, is this what you want to talk about? We are so ADD. I don't think we ever make a single point.

I looked away from you for a second and I forgot who the guest was. And then I—

Harrison Ford.

And the good news is I then I looked over at you and I was happy that you're here. So it's nice to see you, by the way. You too. I'm curious if, because you have such— and I want to talk about this too— you have such a serious music background. I was reading up on you today. No, no, sorry, sorry. You so far you've shouted two things at me. And boring.

Sorry.

No, but—

I can't help myself. It's very hard to be— like, bring it back to serious.

Well, this isn't gonna stay serious long.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I love that you just dropped an album, and it's called Film Scores for Films That Don't Exist.

Yeah.

It's a classical album. You wrote film scores for movies that aren't real.

Yeah.

And I was listening to it today. A bunch of us were listening to it, and it's legit. It's really good.

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

It's really good.

I'm flattered by that.

Thank you.

And then I was like, "Well, wait, I know that you played jazz bass and you're serious. You, like, studied at Berklee School of Music." But I didn't realize when you were a little kid and you started playing tuba when you were really young.

Yeah, I played piano at 5, tuba in 6th grade, and cello and bass in high school.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, so this was just something that was in you. Like, I—

I went to school in Boston. I went to Berklee College of Jazz, Daddy-O. And I played the Seinfeld theme over and over again for 4 years. Yeah. And I can't, I flicked a dime under a lamppost.

That was a court.

I shot an apple off my wife's head or whatever William S. Burroughs did. You know about that?

And he killed her, right?

He killed his wife. And then when the cops come, he goes, we were playing William Tell, the game where you shoot an apple.

Yeah.

Off the head.

It was more of like a, I think he was like, the laziest excuse for homicide. I'm sorry I made your podcast so dark.

No, no, no, this is what people love, true crime podcasts. So we're going to become one briefly. But that's what I always heard is the police show up and he went, we were playing, and his wife's lying there with a bullet in her head. He's like, we were playing William Tell and I tried to shoot an apple off her head, didn't work out, but you can't arrest me.

Yeah. And the cops are like, that's legally like, I mean, that's solid. Sorry we bothered you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So wait, so he go back to probably killed her and then went to the refrigerator, got an apple, and placed it by her head.

I don't even know if he just said, I ate the apple.

Oh yeah.

Oh, there wasn't even an apple? No, I don't know. All of us are talking about this thing.

And guess what kind of true crime podcast is this?

This is the best kind, where people just shoot off their mouths about a crime that maybe didn't even happen. And I'm gonna right now say, Eric doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. We both just kind of heard this thing.

I also got self-conscious because I was about to make the same jazz jokes that I made on your podcast last time. It doesn't matter. I was like, oh, what's another beatnik I haven't covered? No one.

William S.

Burrows, and that I heard your audience— everyone's butthole dried out at that, uh, every—

at that moment. Interesting.

And Adam, they were all moist until—

that—

can we say that on your podcast? You Puritan.

Adam Sachs will confirm this. No one's ever listened to more than one of these podcasts. We have a huge, huge number of people, but we're just working our way through Earth's population. But no one's ever, after listening to one, listened to another.

Wow. Yeah, it's really very strange way of getting it.

You're like, uh, repeat your stories at will.

We got a verdict on William S. Burroughs.

Yeah, it really happened.

It's dark. You're about to look up some dark—

1951 in Mexico City, William S. Burroughs shot and killed his wife, uh, and said he was playing— said he was playing William Tell.

And how did he get off then?

He didn't. He was convicted.

Oh, oh, he was? Oh, I thought he—

I thought they were like, hey, so did he go to prison for a long time?

He was, uh, convicted of culpable homicide in Mexico but, but served only 13 days in jail before his brother secured his release on bail.

Well, he's gonna murder your wife. Do it.

Mexico.

Wow. He was later convicted in absentia, receiving a 2-year suspended sentence.

It doesn't seem that bad for killing your wife.

Yeah, I'm just gonna say, message to all murderers out there: keep that William Tell thing in your back pocket. Keep an apple and the William Tell story in your back pocket. And maybe do it with a bow and arrow too, just to really make it seem worse. You came into a bank, took all the money, and shot someone. It was William Tell! Tell game.

Yeah, I barely, I barely know what William Tell is beyond a guy that shot an apple off of somebody's head with an arrow. Beyond that, I couldn't tell you. Yeah, I couldn't tell you a single thing about William Tell. What era?

I know he wrote an overture. That's it.

There is an overture. Yeah, for William Tell. Was William Tell a fictional character? You went to Harvard, smarty pants. You tell us. Daddy wore books. That would be work if you're rich. I meant like an egghead. Yeah, Einstein. That's There you go.

Einstein's better.

I'm off my game today, Conan.

You are so off your game. You're just a big mess. And it's delighting me.

You rooting for the Knicks?

Yeah. Mr. Boston? Yeah, I am. You know why? You know why?

You okay rooting for the Knicks right now?

I am okay rooting for the Knicks because I think it's a good thing for New York. I spend a lot of time in New York. They haven't had a title since '73. I'm very happy for them.

I really am.

There are Celtics fans listening to you right now. I know. What a sellout.

Yeah.

Piece of shit human being.

How dare he?

That's my Boston accent.

Boston accent by now.

What Celtics fan has ever committed violence? Look it up. I don't think it's happened. I think I'm on safe ground.

Very Boston, historically very safe sports fans.

I'm happy for the Knicks. I am.

No, you can't be.

You just know there's like 3 guys in Dorchester right now pissed at you. Yeah, there's a guy in Alewife right now pulling his hair out like, Bonin, you're a Celtics fan and nothing else.

Nothing else. But you got I can't do—

I can do a Braintree accent, but not a Quincy or—

Burlington, Arunachala, you do those?

Uh, I could do Tewksbury and Andover, but I can't do Worcester.

Good, pretty good.

When it comes to Massachusetts, I only do region by region my accent work. I'm the Fred Armisen of Massachusetts.

Oh, I thought of something today that would be funny, and you'd have been good at this too. This would be a great thing for you, but I, I was convinced I should do this when we record this. I don't know when this airs, but the The Knicks are up 2 games. They're looking for a sweep, possibly. They're headed back to Madison Square Garden. It's just like a huge thing. And all these hardcore Knicks fans who've been there for years, like Chalamet's a hardcore Knicks fan, Ben Stiller, Spike Lee has been in every Knicks game since they created basketball. And I thought it'd be really funny if I dressed up in all this Knicks regalia and somehow forced my way in. And did one of those things that some celebrities do where they act like, "I've been a fan all along," but they're just there for the gravy.

And people—

I love ideas where people would hate me so much, but somehow I get a decent ringside, like, courtside seat, and I'm like, "Yeah! Yeah!" And I keep going over to Chalamet and trying to high-five him and Stiller. And I've just got Knicks goggles and a goofy foam hat, and we're number one. People would hate me. Would be so justifiably mad. And then in interviews, I don't know who any of the players are. I'm not even sure how the game is played. Hey, they were shooting against that basket in the first half. What are they over there for?

And when do they hit a home run already?

Yeah. And then I'm like, go Knicks! Go Knicks! Wouldn't people get so mad? And if you were with—

I got these tickets for free. F-R-E-E, free.

I even had the money and the face.

Sentinel badges. Hello.

I called WME and I said, make it happen. Get me in to see the Knicks win the World Series of basketball. What a dick move. Yeah. I don't know. You must be fascinated by those things because that's been—

I haven't told anybody this.

Go ahead.

I've been Photoshopping fake injuries of Knicks players and sending them to my friends who are diehard Knicks fans. So I've been Photoshopping fake TMZ articles like Brunson tore his ACL. This morning with today's date and texting them to my friends who are diehard Knicks fans. And they're like, "I swear to God, Eric, like, your voodoo, whatever you think is funny right now, it is not funny. You are not funny." And the more angry they get, the more I'm cranking out these fake Photoshopped articles of injured Knicks players right now. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm losing friends.

So bad. But also, just to like, I mean, yes, to say things like, text people early in the morning, "Why was Brunson operating a wheat thresher in the forest?" first place. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, what? Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

Why would they trade Josh Hart to the Pistons now? Between Game 2 and Game 3 of the Finals, they're going to trade him?

Okay.

It's their team. And my friends are pulling their hair out.

Well, they— of course, they take everything with a— I try to— I mean, I think I do stuff like that all the time where I'm just deadly serious, and I can still convince you so I know I fall for it, but you guys both seem to like humor that only you think is funny.

Yeah, it's about—

yeah, one way humor richer.

If I'd have Kevin Hart's bank account, hopefully, if I didn't, um, have that affliction. I forgot you got to do comedy for other people, and then I still don't see it that way. Make money.

I still don't see it that way. I'm still a— if you like this, you can have some. And if you don't, get out of my store.

I'll talk to Ali Wong, and she's like, like on a private jet on her way to play like a soccer stadium in Qatar, and I'm doing like the Chuckle Hut in Coyote Bladder, Mississippi, like passing out flyers outside of the venue. I'm like, man, I should probably start writing jokes that, uh, more than 3 people like.

Also, I, I really, yeah, I got some pretty good laughs falling 15 feet onto some spikes, and then there's a recovery time. By the way, do you have lifelong injuries injuries?

No, no, no, no. I mean, you should bring the Jackass guys in here. Those guys are— yeah, very injured. They're like Evel Knievel.

When Johnny Knoxville starts going through some of his injuries, it actually makes my stomach queasy. It's like he's been here and I love the guy, but he's— I mean, he broke his penis. He broke it.

Yeah. And he had a catheter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his eyeball fell out in that one movie and he had to like scoop it back in.

They didn't even have a medic there.

I had injuries and I used to brag about them, but when I started hanging out with those guys, I'm I was like, oh dear Lord, it sounds like how they— like England would torture people in like the year 1133. Like whenever you read about the Dark Ages, you're like, God damn, England really hated people.

So how did you— your tongue got torn out and then shoved up your ass until it was back where your tongue goes? Yeah, what stunt were you doing where that happened?

England was— England was being quite rude for, um, let's say a thousand years. Yes, to their own people and all their neighbors.

Rude.

Rude. Rude to the French, to the Irish. They were being less than polite.

Yeah, they were a little cranky for a couple of thousand years, then they got it out of their system.

Yeah, yeah, then they chilled. Then they went to India and Africa and they chilled out. Then they were cool. Then they were chill. Then they were chill. And Australia. They were quite rude to the world. Um, England, you made this— I'm taking England down a peg on this show. I won't be silenced.

You will be silenced. Love you, England.

I'm pandering to your Irish, whatever Irish you have in you, because you could be a little Scottish too, right?

There's no— I'm 100%.

You're 100%. Yeah, I was trying to pander to you and you didn't take the bait. I was like, England sucks, right? Huh?

Because guess what?

Hey, March 17th is coming up next year, your favorite holiday.

Conan, have you ever—

tee it up for you.

Have you ever seen me wear green on St. Patrick's Day?

Never. Never.

At least thought You would be like, I hate—

because real Irish people don't like Irish people. I always— yeah, we just— it's a thing. We just don't. We hate everyone equally.

That's good.

I think it's good.

It's good. That's healthy. I want to ask you about—

I'm going to change the subject and I'm going to do something that's semi-professional, but don't hate me for it.

You drew a naked picture of me and I feel very uncomfortable every time you look down at it.

You made a movie. You made a movie that's coming out and it's—

there's Jeff Epstein's emails at the bottom of your notes.

Yeah.

JEEvacations@gmail.com. An email with my body drawn.

So I can't— I keep trying to book a flight on his plane, and he won't get back to me! Hello?! You made a movie called Little Brother. Very funny movie with you and Mr. John Cena. And you do— there's a lot of you— very funny, but doing very physical stuff.

Yes.

And I pray to God you have a body double for these things because there's some truly cartoonish scenes. Please tell me there's someone who looks a lot like you who's getting thrown into a wall at 600 miles an hour.

This can neither be confirmed nor denied. I'm like Tom Cruise. I'm taking it to the grave.

Wow.

And yes, of course, I paid a 25-year-old Puerto Rican guy to fly through glass. I'm in my 40s now. I'm not, you know— I injured myself enough on my own show. I need a little help now.

You need a little help.

I need a little help.

What I seem to remember is you made this movie with John Cena, and you guys are very funny together. Together, but I think John Cena once seriously injured you, didn't he?

Poor John. So he, he— in reality, he did not. He did— yeah, he— we did a stunt that went awry back in 2000, I believe. No, no, 2000.

Yeah, I was kidding. Uh, I was trying to see how healthy you are now. No, it was 20— it was 2020.

Was this 2020? I think it was 2020.

You're from the show Golden Girls, right? I'm talking to Blanche DuBois.

I love your work. I love your podcast. I remember your questions are all over the place, but kindness is kindness of strangers.

Look, I'm just—

you have a Blanche DuBois quality about you. I'm just realizing now. I do.

I was very beautiful in my youth. That's what people—

yeah, Randy old woman.

Now I'm a Randy old lady and I'm flitting around My New Orleans apartment.

It was Boca Raton, Florida, where the show took place, fictionally.

Streetcar?

Yeah, you're talking Streetcar? Yeah.

Wait, is it—

I'm talking Golden Girls.

Is it Dubois or is it Devereaux? It was Blanche Devereaux.

Yeah, on Golden Girls.

I was correct. Blanche Dubois from Streetcar Named Desire. So I was right and you're wrong.

Vivian Leigh, right?

Yeah.

Actress. Yeah, the fictional character is Blanche DuBois. Yeah, my entire life up till this moment, I thought Blanche DuBois was the redhead on Golden Girls.

I do get why they both have French last names.

This might be—

they're almost— names are almost identical until the last couple syllables. What is it? It's Blanche Devereaux.

This entire—

this entire broken joke for 5 minutes and you did nothing to help me.

This entire This podcast is one of the— it's like 7 garden hoses that are hopelessly gnarled together, and one of them's leaking, and we're trying to untangle them to figure out which one to turn off the water, but we can't, and there's just water everywhere.

We're still in that jalopy with the triangle wheels.

Like, we were at this asphalt intersection.

I really love how long he was talking about the Golden Girls and how long you were talking about a streetcar named Josiah.

We were vibing, man. You got rizz. I don't know what that means, but we got it.

I don't know either.

You quoted it.

I have to say, to be— I have to come clean here. I got off a plane very recently from Morocco. My mind is—

Excuse for everything.

My mind is not working. And you know what? Yours isn't working either, and I don't think you have an excuse. And together, we're just a big hot mess. And I'm very happy. I don't care. Yeah. This is a disaster.

Why were you in Morocco?

I do some business there.

Yeah, you were smuggling hats. Hash again.

I could neither confirm nor deny. I'm Tom Cruise if he was smuggling hash.

No, no, what did you ask me? You said—

you know, this is like a cop—

oh, it's a travel show!

This is like a cop who pulls a guy over, but the cop and the guy are both drunk. Let's see your wallet. Wait, what do you mean you have to step out of the airplane? It's a car.

Wait, What?

We're just two big messes interrogating each other. I don't know who's in charge here anymore.

Oh, I didn't know Blanche DuBois wasn't the one from the Golden Girls. I watched Golden Girls when I was young with my grandma because I lived in Boca Raton, Florida.

I watched A Streetcar Named Desire with my grandmother over and over again because I was very closeted.

I just wanted to clear the air. That liquid has been here for ages. We don't know what that is. Guinness?

Yeah, I'm having a Guinness right now. That's my other problem.

Okay, now see, what did you really ask? I really, I truly can't remember.

I am going to say this very clearly.

I changed—

let me tell you, John Cena. Yes, in 2020. Oh yeah, he threw me through.

Okay, so he threw me— so much of a story. He threw me through a shelf on the Eric Andre Show. I destroy the set every time. Yeah. And I found out he was a big fan of the show, so we had him come in. He grabs me, he's like, ah, he grabs me, he throws me through a shelf. That part of the stunt was fine. Our department, we forgot to sandbag down the shelf, and it had a metal frame. And even beforehand, my stunt coordinator was like, that thing's got a metal frame, you gotta be careful. I don't like that prop. I don't like that prop. I don't like that prop. I go, blah blah blah blah, dude. I don't pay you to think, dog. Now show me those abs, Daddy. Cena threw me through the thing. He did the stunt properly. I went through the thing properly. But then the thing went, it went over. And it was the only season of Eric Andre Show I got rid of all my body hair on purpose. I bicked my head bald. I waxed my pubic hair that you can't even see on TV. Ilana Glazer goes, you have to blur your crotch for— why did you wax your pubes?

That doesn't even translate. I go, oh, yeah, I don't know.

I didn't think about it. These are the things professionals talk about.

I have one question.

Yes, Alana, why did you wax your pubes? That's a good point.

So I didn't have— my hair works like antennas. I know when stuff's coming because I have big hair. You have big hair. So I didn't feel it coming, and the thing went over and boom, gave me a big Fred Flintstone, and I got a concussion. I got dizzy. I was talking about things that didn't make any sense, and I went to the hospital, got a CAT scan, and you immediately booked a podcast. That was 10 minutes before I showed up.

Yes, that wasn't his fault.

Craziest trip to Morocco ever. I'm trying to pitch a travel show right now. I pitched to the network you're on, and because of you, they go, "Oh, we already have a travel show." And I go, "Conan stole my idea that I stole from Anthony Bourdain." Yes!

Trust me. Listen, you can have my travel show. I will give it to you. But you still have to call it Conan O'Brien's Must Go. But it's with you, and we don't even have to do it. I can't even explain it to anybody. And you get all the money and the glory, and I just am like, yep. And people are like, what is that? Wait, why is it Conan O'Brien must go?

For 5 minutes you were my Newman. I was like, O'Brien, always after me, always nipping at my heels. I'm eating canned beans by fucking candlelight. I'm like, oh, I switched my SSRI. Tri by 5 milligrams, by like this much.

In which direction?

I went up. I go, maybe I just go up a little bit. And now my brain is like— so I called my psychiatrist today. I go, and I think I got to take the elevator back down. Sweating.

You should have.

I mean, I'm on like 55 peptides. I'm gonna be ripped by the end of this interview, but I'm gonna have pendulous breasts like Vivien Leigh in Streetcar Named Desire.

Golden Girls.

Yeah, uh, you got SSRIs by the end of this? Why don't we do a little—

oh, you can be on what I'm on. Yeah, I got them on. I got on them pretty late for a guy with my affliction.

Yeah, that's how I feel.

I waited out for a really long time and then—

what do you think that is, pride? I'm like, why did I wait so long?

Uh, I know in my case it was just Nope. You don't take anything to make life easier. If anything, you do things to make life harder.

Yeah.

So I hair-shirted it and I just was like, what's hair-shirted? Do like hair shirt means you're just like, I don't know, you're—

that's not a phrase.

Yeah. You wear a hair shirt. I just, I've never heard it either. I collapsed. I collapsed.

Old Bronx used to wear it to do like a pun— self-punishment, right?

Yes. It's a kind of putting on a hair shirt.

It's like Irish Catholic repression. It's like repress everything or self-anesthetize. Was it like that kind of thing?

Yeah.

I like reducing you to a stereotype. That's what I'm trying to do here. You, you, you are reducing me to stereotype only It's exactly true.

You're right.

Hey, Celtics, right? England bad. Celtics good. I keep pandering to you.

And I do live under a magical mushroom in the forest.

Pandering to you.

You're putting on a hair shirt is this phrase. But basically, I think that's what I was doing was saying, I don't— something that makes life a little easier for you, fuck that. It's supposed to be hard. And I did that well past the age when I should have been doing that.

And you're in your 90s now. So what were you talking about?

You know, I didn't like that.

Okay.

Yes.

Did I fight in World War II? Yes. Was I old then? Yeah, I went into the battle at 35 years old.

Um, and you fought for the Japanese.

I fought for the Japanese because I said the cars they make in 20 years are going to be fucking amazing. I should have done my homework.

Anyway, another Guinness. So I'm sweating.

Um, you are. You're a big mess. But watch this.

But I did climax several times.

What's going on here? Don't I just— garbage at me? No, she's throwing you some Kleenex so you can wipe the sweat.

She tried to slide it like a bartender, but it just— I just see giant— and it's empty. Oh no, there is one in there.

Why?

I was like, do you want me to throw that out for you? Budget cycling.

Budget cycling.

I worry that if I do that, I'll have patches of tissue all over my head, which will be worse.

Oh no. You made a movie with John Cena.

Yes.

It's called Little Brother. You guys are really funny together. Thank you.

And I've been trying to talk about it the whole time, but you're all over the place. We get it, dude. You went to Morocco, but now you're back in the USA, a country with absolutely zero problems, baby.

Hey, don't you dare make political commentary here. Don't you dare.

I didn't say a word. USA, USA, USA. Do they got that, champ? In your little Moroccan paradise.

No, they don't.

No, they don't. Thank you.

I chant USA to every foreign country I go to, and they like it.

They love it. Tell me more of this USA.

I wear star— I dress like Uncle Sam, star-spangled top hat outfit.

And it goes back to the beginning of the pod when I talked about the, the worst Halloween costume I ever had. My mom, God bless her soul, but she said, I'll take care of it, and she she got me an Uncle Sam costume, and it was like 1970, height of Vietnam, 1973.

Watergate.

And I'm like, I've got this ma— and I was— and we've talked about it years ago on the podcast. But yeah, we bought it.

Do you have an image of it? You gotta put a picture of it.

We did. Yeah, we, we did, I think, find one.

Yeah. Put a picture on, on, put a nude, put a nude image of yourself on the screen right now.

Oh, that'll get some clicks.

Let's see what you're working with.

All right. Well, I think you'll be quite pleased that yours isn't like that.

All right.

I want to see what you put your wife through. I'm going to say twice a year.

Why?

She's crying. Oh, you're so far off. We hit the big tree. Sarah, why you just laughing a lot? Why can't you jump in and say that's not true, he's very sensual?

Continue.

Why would I say that?

Just from what you've Oh God, you're supposed to have my back on these things. Super sensual.

Wait, wait, wait, can we talk about my movie, Conan? I don't want to, dude. Help me out, dog.

You guys are funny together.

Trying to plug a thing here.

Why don't I do it? Because you're in no state. You're crashing. You took the wrong pills. You need to get a real 5 milligrams of Zoloft, dude.

I'm partying, dog. Isn't it funny, in your 20s, you're like, you're like texting your friends, get me coke, get me Molly, get me mushrooms.

In your 40s, you're like, get me Propecia, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, something to moisten my gums. What is that a thing? You bet it is. What? Uh, you make this movie, it's very funny.

Thank you.

Um, and my curiosity is, you guys must have known beforehand that you, you do well together. I mean, clearly he had been on the show, he had thrown you through a book case, but I love John.

Well, he— well, we're totally opposite.

Yes.

The way we look, the way we behave. So I knew, like, instantly, that's a recipe for a good comedic duo.

Yeah.

And, um, I love his work ethic, and he's got comedic chops. You look at him and he does this giant lumberjack. It's like he should— he doesn't make sense. He shouldn't exist, but he does. He knows Mandarin fluently. Do you know what this is?

No.

He plays virtuoso, like, piano, like concert piano. He's the most interesting man in the world. And like, he's just, uh, he's got comedy chops. Yeah, it's not fair.

No, it's not.

Me and you have to have comedy jobs or no one will talk to people across the street. Very good athlete, uh, and a male model.

But anyway, I know I look like stuff.

I love a guess. Yeah, last time I was on the pod, you told me you had gray teeth growing up. That's what I, that's what I clicked, because you are a handsome man and you're tall. You're tall and you are against the men. But as soon as you said you had two dead great teeth in front of my mouth, I go, that's why he's a comedian. There are plenty of other reasons why I was a comedian, but the great teeth, they help.

You need those things as a child.

People are surprised when I like, I tell them I meditate and I do my homework and I got like straight A's in school. They're like, what? Yeah, they think I dropped out of like fourth grade and just like ate candy until like now.

They think I'm just like, I eat a gummy worm sandwich every morning.

I think I go home and I'm just like, which, yes, I do do some of that, but you know what I'm talking about.

Well, I know, except I really do those things at home and I don't meditate, so I could use more Eric, you know.

You want to snort some Lexapro, dog? Which one are you on? I got I'm on a new one.

Oh really?

I'm just on straight Prozac.

Oh, old school.

Old school. I mean, it's Prozac and my Prozac was developed in the '50s.

Oh, you have vintage, you have like an artisanal.

It's very hardcore. Yeah. It says use Doc Connors Prozac and, and you run out a lot.

Yeah.

More effort Prozac.

Yeah. It says goes well with cigarettes. Yeah.

When you started, did the demons just go and you were like, oh, I didn't have to live like that for that long.

It was annoying. It was annoying.

What was that?

About. But, uh, no, I credit Andy Richter. Andy Richter is the one that said, you know, why don't you get some—

take the help?

Yeah. And, and it doesn't change who you are or anything.

I thought it would. That's the other thing.

That's why I didn't do it.

That's why I was like, I won't be comedic.

Yes, that's what I thought.

And, and clearly I'm right because I've been a mess this entire podcast. Yeah. But I was like, it'll change my personality. I don't want to be like catatonic. I thought I was going to be like Jack Nicholson when he gets electroshock therapy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. That's just like, like vegetable.

Yeah.

And I was like, I can't, that'll ruin me. But I was, um, I guess that's part of it. Yeah, anxiety. Yeah, obsessive-compulsive thought loops, depression. I am really just bringing this podcast down.

No, I think—

and I won't let you plug the very movie I'm in.

We're not plugging that anymore. We're now plugging Lexapro. Eric Andre, you are what I want to be when when I grow up. You're just— you're, you're just, uh, I so love being around you. You're being super serious.

I just—

I've always loved you, all the times you came on my show crashing through things, uh, and, um, you're just a force for good. So I'm super happy for you. I'm happy if you made this. I mean, and again, there's not just the movie, there's also this, this album that just tickles me. Film scores for films that don't exist. You're such a hyper-talented guy, and please come back and make even less sense next time, because these are my favorite— these are my favorite episodes. They really are.

They good.

Peace out, Tupac. Credits.

Conan always says peace out, Tupac, whenever he ends anything.

Yeah.

You guys want to do a review the reviewer?

Well, I think the answer is yes.

Okay, great.

Yeah, I always say yes.

Just as we planned it.

Yes.

This is where I go to Apple Podcasts, I find a review for the podcast, and we can talk about it or review that podcast.

I love it.

We have, uh, Katie Jordan Wolf. The title is Ghost of Christmas Hell. 5-star review. If Conan had wanted my 5 stars so bad, he could have just called instead of haunting my dreams like the Ghost of Christmas Christmas Hell. Guys, I'm still reeling. I can't get the cackling image out of my head from a nightmare I had last night. I guess the spirit of Conan won't rest until I rate the damn podcast. And Ghost of Christmas Held Me, in my horrific vision, Conan was the villain of Terminator 2: Judgment Day with— and this might be the most disturbing visual of the whole thing— a shaved head. He was like a cackling Joker slash Lex Luthor in a too-tight suit and staring at me with his beady little eyes. Anyway, thank you, Conan, for this awful image that will haunt me till the day I die, and I will probably somehow linger after I'm long dead, buried in the minds of my descendants. I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year. Here, take your 5 stars, you ruthless animal, and stop visiting my dreams.

Oh my God, what is her first name?

Uh, Katie.

Katie. Uh, first of all, great writing. Yeah, great writer, really funny. Um, and help me because you know things. The villain in Terminator 2, was that the policeman who can turn into liquid?

Yeah, Robert Patrick.

It's the evil T-1000.

T-1000.

Don't act like— don't do that.

What?

Don't do what? It's the T-1000. It's the evil T-1000.

It's a nerd assist.

He's like, "Thank you, I'm helping out." Yeah.

Okay.

It's a slam dunk. There we go.

Alley-oop. Nerd alley-oop. Any hoops. Oh, awful.

What are we inventing these terms?

So I was shaved head. I wonder what a Freudian psychologist would say about What does it mean? I'm there cackling. I've got a shaved head. I don't know what that means.

You kind of are T-1000 in a way. You're lithe and nimble. You can slip through jail bars and things.

Yes, yes. First of all, I am primarily made of liquid metal, but also, yes, I can shapeshift. I'm a shapeshifter, a mind grifter, a high plains drifter. There's nothing I can't do. There's no gum I won't chew.

Oh, God.

I see myself very much in that role. So I think it's cool and correct that Katie identified me that way.

Don't you want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger?

No, no, that's awful. Because then you have to be governor of California. And I think, I think the state is ungovernable.

So we're going to find out. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a, there's a big thought that California should be split up into smaller states.

What?

Yeah.

No.

Because it's too big. It's too big. No one seems to be able to run this place.

The north, the central, and the south?

Yeah, I think there should be 3 different states.

Oh, so you do subscribe to this?

You agree?

I'm just going to go with it because it's good for the podcast for me to have a strong opinion.

Okay.

I think it should be subdivided. I think it should be 3 states. What would you name them? Akkala, Forn, and Ea.

Oh. Yeah, I live in the state of Forn.

Or Ea.

What is Ea?

I'm in Forn, but we're headed down to Ea for Christmas.

I live in Forn, but I vacation Yeah.

Yeah. That some people believe that that's what should happen.

Some people believe it should secede from the Union too. Where do you fall on that?

Well, because we are the world's fourth largest economy?

Yeah.

Interesting. No, I don't think so.

Okay.

But I will change that opinion if it gets us more content for the podcast. I'll do whatever it takes. So for me to have a strong opinion, do we secede? I mean, I guess, but don't that raises all of its own problems. We could be attacked by Utah in the night and, you know, We want that. Utah?

Yeah, I think we could take Utah.

I don't know our army.

I don't know how our army— and also remember, if we're split into three, then that's a— oh, you're saying if we're three, are we three different countries?

I think if we secede, we're one.

So what are you for, us breaking into three and staying?

Oh, I'm not getting in. You're not dragging me into this.

Well, you are California born and bred, so you have to weigh in on this. You're an immigrant, so you—

what? I'm not an immigrant.

You can't vote. Town over from me.

I can vote. Immigrants can vote. What? Conan! Yes, we can. First of all, I'm not an immigrant. Yay! I got her!

I got her to admit! I was birthing you long before Trump was birthing Obama.

I was bringing your status up.

Don't brag about it.

You know what? I got you uncertain.

I was born here. I was born in Montebello.

Well, which is it? You keep changing your story.

Stop! I'm saying, I'm trying to teach you that immigrants are allowed to vote. And if it's okay.

And I'm glad because I think they should be. And I'm glad we've now changed it so they can.

Oh, wow. Okay, good.

And whenever that passed, that's great. Yeah, I'm for it. I am for it. And I'm glad that finally that's the way we're doing things.

Well, Katie, I hope we answered your question.

I know. What are you— you totally went off topic. I brought up Arnold Schwarzenegger and you started bringing up breaking the state into 3 parts.

Well, which is it? Do you want it to be 3 different states or do you want it to be one that secedes from the United States?

Its own country.

I want to keep us together. I think we're stronger together. So I'd like to be our own country.

Okay.

I would love to have a passport that's just like California.

Yeah. And it says chill dude.

Yes.

In Latin on the top.

What is chill dude in Latin?

I don't know. I'm not even going to try it. Oh man. Yeah.

Dorme.

Brocifis?

Brocifis. Brocifis. Yes.

Hey, you know what? That's you.

We're going to legitimize your citizenship for that.

You know what, Sona? Welcome to America.

Don't do an accent when you say it.

Everyone says it's America.

This is awful. That's a— you know what? It's okay to be an immigrant. That's a strong stance I'm taking.

I love immigrants, and I'm so glad that you are here now. I'm glad. I love that you're here now.

Okay.

She used to listen to me on Radio Free Europe when she was growing up.

In the country of Montebello.

In the country of Montebello, nestled in between Serbia and I gotta get outta here. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm going to secede from this podcast. Yes, yes, we're all—

now we're all villain.

Let's break this podcast up into three distinct sets.

This is why people are dreaming of— or having dreams of you as a villain.

I am a villain.

If you listen to this podcast, you are a villain.

I am an arch villain. Yeah, I'm the Joker and the Riddler all combined.

Yeah, it's true.

Peace out, Tupac.

Conan O'Brien Everyone Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avcessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get 3 free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.