Transcript of Josh Groban

Hi, my name is Josh Groban, and I feel downright giddy about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Now that's the right attitude.

That is. It's an honor.

No, it's not. But giddy is appropriate.

It's a giddy honor.

Fall is here, hear the yell. Back to school, ring the bell. Brand new shoes, walking loose. Climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, sitting here with Sona Movsesian, Matt Gourley.

Hi.

And Sona and I are just back from Morocco.

Oh, that's funny, I didn't see you guys there.

Oh, oh really, were you there?

Yeah, I'm just there on my own.

Yeah, walking around. Yeah, that makes sense. Um, no, we, uh, we were shooting an episode of, uh, the travel series Conan O'Brien go. And we, Sonny, you were kind enough to come with me.

Yeah.

Because actually something came up on this podcast. You expressed a desire to get a certain product, a certain argan oil.

Yeah.

And, and so I decided I'm going to get you that argan oil by taking you to Morocco. Yeah.

Is it a spoiler to say if you got—

We can't say anything.

Okay.

We can't say anything. What we can tell you—

We're going to tune in for that.

It wasn't like the Ark of the Covenant. I mean, you could probably get this pretty—

It's very readily available there.

Apparently it's also readily available here.

Oh, you got scammed.

I got scammed. As we were like in the market hunting down the argan oil, someone said, you know, coffee. Yeah, you can get this, you know, on Amazon and it will come from the same store that you found. But anyway, that ruins the magic of travel. So, but we have Well, tell me what you thought, Sonja.

Oh, I had so much fun. I hadn't— yeah, I used to travel when you'd do the travel shows, and I forgot how it's a lot of work.

It's a lot of work. It is a lot of work. You guys seem a little tired.

Are you tired? I woke up at 2:30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep.

Yeah, I heard because I was East for a while for other things. So I was on that time, and then we went to Morocco.

Yeah.

And so I haven't been on— LA time in quite a while.

Yeah.

So yeah, I've been waking up at like 3 in the morning and like cleaning out cupboards.

Yeah.

Like I'll do— when I wake up and it's pitch black outside and I know I'm up, I just start doing tasks that I would never do otherwise. Yeah. Like I'll build a urinal, you know? First I'll fire the porcelain. I mean, I'll do all these crazy things because I think you have that— you're revving, you want to be useful, you want to get something done. So yeah, I've been actually mostly what I've been doing is organizing things that I haven't organized in a long time. I mean, just— and my wife was away, so I was alone. It's me, the dogs and the cats. And I'm just— they hear me in the garage banging away. Oh my God. Yeah, it's weird.

Productive? I'm not productive.

What do you do in the morning?

I just watch clips of shows I like. Oh, oh. And I just scroll on my phone.

What do you do?

In the bed. It's nice.

It's called doom scrolling.

It's not doom because my algorithm is really fun. So it's like—

What's your algorithm?

My algorithm's a lot of just silly, it's like, you know, silly humor. It's a lot of really funny stuff. I don't know how to describe it. And then every once in a while it's like takes me to a really dark kind of place on Instagram. And then—

Like what?

I don't know. There's just like—

Like what's dark for you?

I can't, I don't know. Sometimes I'm just like, how did this end up here? I can't think of—

This would be a real good example if you had an example. It would be so good if I had an example.

Like street fights, that kind of thing?

I get a lot of fights.

Yes, you do.

I do get a lot of fights, a lot of brawls and fights, and I love it.

That's your love language.

I love them. I know. And they make me, they fire me up. Like they get me really intense. Like, I don't, I don't know if you guys get that same. Nope. Nope. Just me. Okay. You like watching fights? I love it. Sometimes I revisit fights.

I saw a clip recently. It's been going around. This clip's been going around of, which is sort of tangential to this, but This clip's been going around that they unveiled this robot and the robot comes out. It's one of these really impressive, you know, latest model robots. And it's coming out and it's doing all these cool moves and spinning and stuff like that. And all these families are around watching it, like applauding. And then it spins around and it kicks this little kid really hard in the stomach. And the kid doubles over and then kind of collapses. And I think the kid's okay. I hope the kid's okay.

Is this real?

Yeah, it's real, I think. I'm pretty sure it's real. And then the robot sort of stands up and then just starts to step back, retreat. And I've thought, does that robot feel shame? Is it possible it feels shame? And I was, because I'm a human, I was reading in, oh, that robot just must feel so much shame right now. And then I realized it doesn't. No, it doesn't. There's no way the robot's like, oh, I'm so dumb.

That's darker than the street fights.

I know, but we don't want it to feel shame.

Robot kicks boy in the stomach.

It came up.

Yeah.

Is it real? I don't want to see this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, it's not. The kid's okay. And I think the kid might have needed kicking. You never know. I don't want to bum people out, but I think it's okay.

I know it's not. It's not funny, right?

Is this it?

Hold on.

Yes.

Look, so here's the guy. He's like, ha ha ha ha. Boink! Oh! Jesus.

Yeah. Oh no, that's awful. Okay.

And look at the robots like, oh no.

Must destroy to save oneself.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

So anyway.

Oh my God.

That kid is standing out a little too far.

What's that?

That kid is— victim blaming. He asked for it. Yeah, he asked for it.

Well, you said he had it coming. You're victim blaming.

Yeah.

You guys' algorithm is turning you guys into monsters.

I, um, yeah, I said, go robot. That was my comment that I wrote in.

Oh no, you shouldn't be standing. Do you remember when we were— I don't know if we should mention this— when we were in Armenia and there was a guy doing donuts and there was a perimeter of people around him.

Let me paint the picture. We're in Yerevan, capital of Armenia. We're there for 5 minutes when we hear all this noise and excitement, and we go to this big square where all these people are packed around watching. And there's a guy in the middle who's accelerating really fast in a car doing donuts, and everyone's just— it doesn't seem like an official performance. I think a guy was just doing donuts, and everyone came to watch the guy do donuts because it's 1 o'clock and it's time for donuts. And everyone's— but there's no barrier between the people and the car, and the guy doesn't really— he's not a professional. He doesn't know what he's doing. And then at one point, he swings around and I think he hit a bunch of people.

He hit people.

I think they were okay.

Yeah.

And I don't think people, you know, here everyone would be like, okay, get everyone's number and everyone's gonna sue everyone. There they're just like, ah, that's what happens.

Shake it off, we're good. Get back around the perimeter. Yeah, get back to donuts. It was crazy. Yeah, it didn't make the show that we were shooting, but it was—

oh no, no, you didn't know that.

We are opening with the robot kicking the Chinese boy. I'm gonna put that at the top of the show. Well, what was your reaction to that? I mean, I don't know First of all, I saw that thing. It got sent to me. Instagram thought, "Conan's going to love a Chinese robot kicking a kid in the stomach," which I don't endorse.

But now that you've probably watched it more than once, it's going to think that's what you want is robots kicking kids.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll just have to— I made my bed and I have to lie in it. It'd be great if all my feed was robots attacking children. I'm sure you get it. And me watching for hours on web.

Now that you've said it out loud, it probably will be.

All right then. All righty then. Remember that when that was a big thing? All righty then.

On Ace Ventura.

That was cool. I'm just trying to—

That was what, 30 years ago?

It was over 70 years ago.

Yeah.

I just looked it up.

Okay.

My guess is—

You can still do it.

Oh, let's get into it. Okay, let's do it.

We should do it.

You're not crisp with any sentence. You dribble a little bit.

Okay, yeah.

You should go.

You're like, well anyway, so that's a hat.

Intro and go.

Well anyway, right, Sona?

Yep.

My guess is like—

Got that one.

Right, Sona? My guest today is a Tony—

Do we have a thought, like, when we might want to end this podcast?

I think it's coming up real soon.

Completely?

It's coming up real soon.

Because it's going to be taken away if we don't end it ourselves.

If we can't use this responsibly, they're going to take it away.

Exactly. And intro.

Thanks, Sona. My guest today is a Tony, Emmy, and Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter. His new album, Cinematic, is a tribute to the silver screen, and it's out now. I am so happy he's here today. He's a funny, lovely fellow. Josh Groban, welcome. Josh, I am so thrilled you're here.

Konnichiwa.

We have had a connection over the years because as a very young man, you came on my late night show.

I did.

And I thought, this kid is very talented, but also really funny. Oh, man. And you were sweet. And I thought, I don't think he's going to make it. Mm. But wouldn't it be nice if he did? And I think I remember I said that to you.

It's what you led with.

Yeah.

So I—

My next guest probably won't make it.

You really like to keep me on edge. Yeah, I was nervous already, but that really threw me.

You've had this brilliant career and you remain a really nice person and a really funny person, which leads me to my next topic of discussion, which is not long ago, I was tasked with hosting the Oscars. And I remember we had this idea there needed to be someone who could sing this, you know, sing my tribute. And immediately, I think two of us at the same time said, "Wouldn't it be great if Josh Groban would do it?" And I remembered having a thought, "Oh my God, Josh Groban. If he doesn't do it, I don't know that we can do this piece because that's the best person to do it." And I know that whoever— if you weren't available, 'cause we knew that you were touring—

Yeah, who was the second choice?

This is not gonna make you happy, but it was comedian Patton Oswalt.

Oh, Patton!

That would be quite good. Yeah, no, apparently he said a terrible voice.

I'm imagining him in the night gear right now.

No, there was— that's just it. There was no second choice. There was no second choice. And I know that if we'd found someone, I'd have been mad the whole time that it wasn't you. And probably tank the piece. So, we reached out to you. We found out that you might be amenable. We should have a conversation. And the next thing you know, I'm on a Zoom with you, and you're in Tokyo.

I was in Tokyo. There is no cooler experience than being in Tokyo, first of all, to begin with, and then having a Zoom with you about doing this bit. Nothing will top this.

Well, here's the weird thing too. I thought— I remember we got on the Zoom, and I said, "You must be on tour." And Josh said, "No." They have the best sex toys here.

That's right. Yeah.

And this is where I like to shop for my sex toys. And then for 20 minutes, you were showing me these weird— I had a bag.

I had two Trader Joe's bags full of dildos and suction cups and tassels.

No, no, no.

Let me continue. I know it was really light tourism for me. Yeah.

The thing is, no one builds shit like the Japanese.

True.

But you kept turning them on and they were like, "Ang, blalalala." They have a lot of robotics. Yeah, a lot of robotics.

And one of them had a song similar to the one you wanted me to sing.

It was—

so I kind of said it like, you know, like this.

But anyway, we had this. So next thing you know, we're rehearsing. You killed it. We do it at the Oscars. You were great. And then here's a weird thing about show business. You killed it, and people really liked the piece, and people were so happy that suddenly you're there. I love anyone who's legitimizing a completely illegitimate piece of comedy. So the fact that you were part of it— Yeah. Um, with your amazing voice, but you're singing these incredibly stupid lyrics about how I'm the greatest ever, and it's over. But from my perspective, I'm on top of a mountain holding on to a fake falcon and being pulled off the stage, and I wave to you, and you kind of wave back, and you go left and I go right. And then I'm into the show, and I never see you again.

I know.

And it's weird because I know that if I had been watching that, I'd think, "Oh, cool. Now Conan and Josh Groban get to hang out backstage and trade old horse flesh." Go to the lounge. Go to a lounge. No! I don't see you anymore. Yeah. So much of TV is, "Bit's over, and then you're off to Belgium to do a concert, and I'm off." I don't know where I go, but—

To sleep for a week.

I did.

I did sleep for a week. I knew, though, going into it that, I mean, if I could see you even for a second, That would be great because your responsibilities on a night like that, right, leading up to it and then on the night.

Right.

And you make it look easy. I mean, it really was. I was happy that this was scheduled on the calendar so we could catch up.

Yes.

You know, this is the only reason I'm having you.

The only reason. And first of all, this will never— no one will ever hear this. There's no tape in the machine, said the idiot who fundamentally didn't understand how things work. But it is really nice to get to talk to you.

Same.

And I I was listening—

After the Wave. After the Wave.

Yeah.

And I was listening to the album you did, Cinematic, and it's all these different amazing movie songs, songs from great movies. And I was listening to— you sing the Godfather theme, and it has lyrics in Sicilian.

That's right.

And I didn't realize that The Godfather had lyrics, the Godfather theme.

Me neither.

And I was like, this is amazing. And I translated the lyrics. I used iTranslate, and it's just going over the plot of The Godfather.

That's right.

It was before The Godfather came out?

No, no, no. It came out at the same time as The Godfather. And no, but the lyrics are not imaginative. It sounds like such a beautiful song, but all the lyrics are, "You shouldn't let your wife in Italy start the car. She will blow up and her body will go real far.

Never sit with your back to a window." Enjoy the clams, enjoy the clams.

Yeah, incredible. Uh, just really, really getting into the nitty-gritty.

Really, it is.

There's going to be a sequel and you'll see it's pretty good. Watch number 1 and 2, but 3 maybe— well, it's understood. 3's a mistake, 3's a mistake.

Yeah, I go up for that one.

Yeah, um, uh, but I was listening to it and, um, Just Unchained Melody.

Oh, yeah.

There's— I mean, there's a bunch of songs there. And also, your Skyfall—

Oh, thanks.

—is fantastic. Thank you. So I was listening to all these, and I was thinking, first of all, the musicians you have behind you, it's insane. 90 pieces.

90 pieces. 90 players in London at Air Studios. And singing in the room with them is like nothing else. There's so much about my job that is just isolated. You're in a hotel room. You're in a dressing room. You're in front of a microphone. To be in the room with them playing is like walking on a cloud. It's because, you know, if you mess up, they have to start again. If they mess up, you start again. And it's just a— it's an incredible experience to sing these melodies with them. And the Sicilian came because I, I was— I rehearsed it in Italian. There's an English language version, an Italian language, and a Sicilian version. And I was fluent in Italian. No, I learned these languages as a singer because I grew up learning these art songs. And I would, I would sing in French and Italian and Spanish. I don't speak the language fluently, but I learn them, of course, when I'm singing them. But I sent in a demo of the Italian version to Coppola and the team. He was being honored for the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award. He asked me to do it for that.

And I sent in a demo, and I was really nervous, and I worked for 2 weeks on it. And then they sent me back a note saying, "Oh, no, no. Mr. Coppola would like it in Sicilian." And so that is when I realized that there was such a thing, looked it up, there was, and, um, Yeah, you learn something new every day. It was beautiful, though.

Did you ever think, ever for a second, you know, having your agent call and go, "Yeah, that's not happening, Coppola." Do you know what I mean? 'Cause I send that response back all the time, but it's about much smaller things. Oh, okay. Yeah. "Can Conan be there for the kid's birthday party at 3:00?" And I'll say, "No, I can be there at 3:15, but I want my $200 up front." Just to throw your weight around.

Yeah. Just, yeah. "Oh, you want Sicilian? Now you get gibberish." That's what you get. 'Cause what's really the difference?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you gonna say, no?

Well, I'm sorry. Conan! I think all foreign languages are just gibberish. No! No! No! No? Huh, I'm sorry. I thought everyone spoke American.

Oh my God. Cancel, cancel, cancel.

Are we recording this? No, we're good. We're good.

I'm pretty sure America was the first language. Oh boy. Said the idiot. And then everyone lost their way. Oh goodness. So I wanna talk about your origin story 'cause it really fascinates me. When you're a kid, you obviously, you're, like, singing in your room. I think you're aware that you have this thing you can do, but you probably don't know what its value is or its merit. Yeah. And then you're 13 years old and you're in a choir. Yes. And— do I have this right? The choir teacher's like, "Uh, you in the back." That's exactly right. "Uh, why don't you come forward?

I want to hear you a little better." Well, what he did was, which all great teachers do, is he recognized recognized that there was a student in his choir who really needed the push. I was not— I mean, I'm a ham on stage, but I am like the most introvert off stage. And when I was a kid, I was really introverted, had a really hard time making friends. My grades weren't great. I had ADD and didn't even know about it. So like, I was a little bit lost and I was in the back of the class and I was in the back of the choir and I loved being part of it. But he heard that, A, that there was a little bit of a talent there. I was, by the way, 13 years old. My voice still hadn't changed. So there was a talent there, but it was very, it was very high. So it was a real gamble for him to say, I'm going to put I'm going to put this kid in the front and I'm going to give him a song. And he gave me this song, Swonderful, George Gershwin song.

Swonderful, swonderful. And, and I, and I sang it with all my might because it was an assignment. He knew that if he didn't give it to me as a class thing, that I would never do it for myself. Right. So in, in pushing me to the front, he gifted me with a moment that changed, even if I hadn't gone into it professionally, a moment that changed my my, my growth forever. You know, the kids, like, the next day were like, wow, man, that was—

even the bully was like, bro, yeah, I'm gonna still beat you, but I'm gonna beat you beforehand to compliment you on your incredible range.

Voice of an angel. Now get in that locker.

Yeah, could you do it? Wow, could you do it yourself? I like this bully who just phones it in. Uh, get in that locker. Well, that's basically— you pull your own underwear up so that it rides into crack. Thanks a lot. What are you doing? I'm on Amazon.

At least they had to do it in person back then. Now it's also anonymous online, you know. I didn't like it, but I respected it.

Bullies today Zoom people. Oh, they just phone in. Oh yeah, what's up? Thanks for taking— yeah, can you stick your face in the urinal? Yeah. Yes, sir. I love stories where people figure it out. I'm also picturing the teacher like, okay, let's— music teacher. Okay, yeah, you next. What is it, Jay Groban? Josh? All right, let's hear it. You know, their glasses shatter.

What is this damn name anyway? Yeah, it was—

well, okay, Pavarotti. Let's hear this guy. I gotta get to lunch. His name is actually—

his name is Richard Berent, and I invite him to every concert that I do because because— still make him pay. I still—

that's a trick I like to do. Ah, my old comedy teacher, it's $700 for that seat.

I'd like to offer you the opportunity to buy tickets to my new show. Uh, no, he's, uh, he, he was, he was not that guy. He was super, uh, you know, excited to teach and still teaches. And, you know, not only did he pull me up from back from the back, but he knew that I like to play piano. He knew that I was kind of gravitating towards the drum set in the back. So he's I'm gonna leave the music room open. So just whenever you need to go in, have an escape, get in there. And you know, it, having access to all that just changed absolutely everything for me.

Do you have perfect pitch?

Can you identify a note? No, not, I don't have perfect, I could play by ear. If I listen to something, I can sit down at the piano and, and figure it out. I actually can't read music. Everything that I've learned how to play. What? No, it's true. That's the only reason you're here.

What the hell, Adam?

Our, our lesson's gonna be really disappointing.

This is where I push the button and you're ejected. Out of the Larchmont office. You land in a parked car.

I parachute down in front of Noah's Bagels. Oh man. Well, the good news is I can get a great lox and cream cheese.

You land fracturing your pelvis but immediately order a shmear on a poppy seed bagel. That's right, I said shmear.

Sorry, come out with Pickles Conan, huh?

Yeah, you know, uh, you probably found out you couldn't read music. Harrison Ford was here and I found out he couldn't read music and I ejected him.

Oh man.

So, so, so So you start singing, and then you have this moment. Another pivotal moment is you're 17. Someone introduces you to David Foster, a famous producer, arranger, and he asks you to do this thing at the Grammys. It's like you were a kid.

It was so close together. Like, the shy 13-year-old whose voice was on the brink of changing was 13, and then the call came in when I was 16. Right. So the time period between absolutely having no clue, wearing this coat that was so big on me, and getting this call to be part of something that was very professional.

It was very professional. It was something— a big thing at the Grammys.

David had heard me sing at a charity event that he asked me to do, plucked out of high school. I sang a song from Phantom of the Opera. It was like the biggest day of my life. But I went back to class. I didn't think anything else would come from it. So when he called me and he said, I'm at the Grammys. I've written this song. It's called The Prayer. It's for Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli. And Bocelli is stuck on a tarmac in Germany. He can't be here in time for the rehearsals. Would you step in and would you sing this for Celine, with Celine, until he shows up? Do you mind?

Do you mind? That's just insane.

What? And I, being an idiot, I mean, really, 16 years old, I did not have stars in my eyes to be a solo artist. I was like, I wanted to go to theater camp. I wanted to worship the throne of Sondheim, and I wanted to like, that's what I wanted to do. So the idea of like, the music business, being a singer with those kinds of people, I was only thinking, can I do this well or not? And even though I was the hugest fan of Celine, I said to him, I don't think I'm the right person for this gig. I was so insecure. And Andrea Bocelli is like one of the great tenors of all time. And I was very much like living in my baritone world. I was not singing those very high notes. So I said, I think you can do better. I said, thank you so much for asking me. I'm really honored, but I think you can do better. And my mom yelled at me from downstairs. I was, of course, still living at home. And she said, who was that? And I said, oh, that was David Foster. Oh, oh.

"Wow, what did he want?" "Well, it's this Grammy rehearsal, as it happens, and Celine Dion is there and Bocelli isn't. He asked me to come and sing." "And, well, what did you say?" I said, "Well, obviously, I said I'm probably not the right person for the job." And they kind of went, "Oh, all right. Well, all right then." And I could tell they were disappointed. David Foster called me back and he said, "I don't think you understood me. Get your ass to the Shrine Auditorium." Nobody had turned him down before. So he said, "Get over here." He barely gave me a pass. My dad shows up with me at the side door. Security's like, who are you? I said, I'm here to sing with Celine Dion. Yeah.

Hi, I'm 17. Yeah. And this is my dad.

Yeah. And we're here for Celine Dion. Which way to the microphone? And, you know, and like, security guard had to like walkie-talkie another guy with a walkie-talkie who, you know, and so on and so forth. Against— finally, Ken Ehrlich, who produced the Grammys, came came out and grabbed me. And, you know, it was just— I was so new to it that it was such another world. I didn't really permeate how important that moment was to be for me. I just wanted to do a good job. I didn't want to embarrass myself. Céline, of course, came out, and then I realized how real it was. But the thing about Céline in that moment was she knew that David Foster was doing a thing, that this wasn't just a job. She knew because she'd been there at my age that David was actually providing a door and an opportunity to prove myself. Yeah. And that it was a lesson, and that this was a moment. This was not just a rehearsal. Right. And so, she kind of, like, clocked it, and she's like, "Oh, oh, got it. Josh, so nice to meet you. Kiss, kiss." She could see I was nervous, and she made her sound check about making me comfortable.

She grabbed my hand. She's like, "We're gonna do this, and when you look at me and you have the Italian, then I'll sing the English. We got this. Just look at the prompter and look at the—" You know, she was, like, pep-talking me out there. And I know, now that I've done a lot of sound checks for TV shows, I know how pressure— precious those— you, I mean, you know from just doing—

you always get much less. I'm sure such little time allowances for Celine Dion, uh, in that. But I noticed that, you know, it's quick. Yeah, if you're doing the Oscars, the— and it's only appropriate, like Barbra Streisand, all the rehearsal time she needs. And then I'll say, I've got a thing where I, I catch a fake giant bird on a mountain with Josh Groban. They're like, you've got 8 seconds. Yeah, that's lunch. Yeah, you have 8 seconds to get it right and then get out of here.

Who are you? Uh, host. Got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, it's, it's quick. And so now that I know, like, that— and that was a big song that she was about to sing really hard, and that was a big moment. It was nominated for a Grammy, an Oscar. So the fact that she took her precious time when many superstars of that time would have looked at me as like, stand-in singer, all right, do the best you can, let's get through it. You know, I might not have decided that this business was for me had she been me. So even though it—

you were for rehearsal only, Right? Yeah. And so, uh—

Well, Ken Ehrlich said to me after I rehearsed, "You know, we're still looking to see if Bocelli can make his flight, so go buy a suit in this lunch break. Go buy a suit." I mean, this feels so old-timey. Like, this feels so like the old— But now, you can TikTok yourself and get yourself on— You know, you can find an audience. But that idea of, like, you know, "The kid did okay. Go down to Men's Warehouse. There's one down the street. And, you know, I've got a tailor. Here's his name." And, you know, it was like— Like, "Get a suit." I looked at my dad and I said, "I'm not like— I can't do this on camera. Like, this is not— I'm not ready for this." Thankfully, Bocelli showed up. I got to meet him. He wound up doing the song, and I got to have a really good story.

Did you get to tell Bocelli, "Eh, you were okay"?

I thought I nailed it. I was—

'Cause he's a notoriously bad singer. Yeah.

No, I was just— I was so grateful that he was going to finally go out there and nail it. My dad did have a camcorder. Video of it. And, you know, now, of course, you know that filming a sound check for something like the Grammys or the Oscars is just an absolute no-no. And, uh, and Celine saw that he was filming, and the security said, you can't do that. And she said, no, no, let him, let him film that. So that was, you know, it just was— she was the absolute best that day. And, uh, you know, but, but then 10 years later, I got to sing that song on the Grammys with Bocelli. So we had like a kind of a full circle. And I've sung it with Celine a few times since then. So it was just— it's wild how those things Do you remember your 16-year-old "get a suit" moment?

Well, mine came later. Mine came when I was 48.

Still involved a suit.

Now, I do remember— I mean, the story I have that kind of lines up a little bit with that was obviously I had these other— all these other adventures beforehand. But when I, you know, living out here in LA and getting a chance to audition to possibly be considered to be a late-night host, night host replacing David Letterman, which seemed insane. But I— they said show up in Burbank at this time, and I didn't have anything to wear. So Lisa Kudrow, who's, you know, my, my best friend at the time, she said, hey, let's— I'll take care of this. And she took me to Fred Siegel and picked out a— the worst coat. And I'm sorry, Lisa, and we've talked about this before, but I'm a very pale person. I know now that I need to wear blue. She was like, oh, This looks good. And it was this linen floppy jacket that was very, like, almost pure white, maybe a little off-white. And so I put it in the back of my Taurus, and some transmission fluid that was— got on it and stained it. So I, like, turned the— and I walk out, and I mean, people have, I think, looked up.

You can look up the footage of me auditioning. I'm like, hey everybody! And I've got the floppy hair, and then I, you know, I look I'm trying to pretend to be Don Johnson in Miami Vice after he repaired a car.

Could you see the stain on the—

I don't think you could, but— And so, you don't just have one moment like that. You have, in my case anyway, many of them, and they continue.

Yeah. And they say luck is preparation meets opportunity. And these moments, these points of light continue. It wasn't just that moment. It's like, I can think of that was a tentpole of a moment that I didn't know then, but— But the domino effect happened after that.

Now, most people— not most, but I'll say many, many people in your situation, uh, that's where the self-medication starts. That's where alcohol, drugs, um, people get into that kind of behavior for a reason, because they feel like a lobster that's been shelled but is alive, you know? And, and everything's too literally too raw. You didn't have that, right?

Well, that's where my sex tourism to Japan started. I will say it's— that was a somewhat less dangerous way to— Okay, this is why I'm happy.

That quote, if anyone missed the top, that quote out of context is very— well, that's just bad news for you and your team.

If this were in England, that would be the headline of the Guardian. Daily Mirror. Daily Mirror. Yeah. Wait a minute. No, but I, but I was, I, you know, I battled all, I battled all this stuff. I had anxiety, I had depression, I had, you know, and, you know, I had, I had certain medication, medication, but you knew that you couldn't drink because of your voice. So the pressure of needing to sound really good out there, I think, kept me from getting into dangerous territory because ultimately the feeling of not doing great out there was worse than how good any of that stuff might feel in the interim.

But can I just say heroin would not have affected your voice?

Oh, Tony, no, no, no, no, no.

Does it affect your voice? Because if not, this is something we should explore. Yeah. No, no, no, no, you should—

No, you should not advocate for heroin. Is that what you're doing? Well, I'm just saying.

Okay. I'm a little shocked that that wasn't proposed to you by your team.

Just to take the edge off.

My team, Adam Sachs over there, is constantly saying You know, I don't think your comedy timing would be hurt by some of these, like a fentanyl or something. And I'm like, oh, wow. I'm telling you, Adam, there's not a day that goes by. Adam, what the fuck?

Why? Come on.

Oh, he's not going on mic now.

The mic is staying so far away from him.

He just took the mic and buried a hole, dug a hole and buried it. I'm very glad you didn't get any of those drugs, which, by the way, I think are very bad. Oh, good, good, good, good. Yeah, you did.

You fixed it.

My genre of music My genre of music, though, was not like— I did not have that crew around me. Like, it was, you know— What about your roadies?

"Hey, man, you gotta bump a line." "Oh, man.

Hey, man, your Ave Maria was really killer, but hey, you seem a little tense." "I was with Van Halen, but now, Groban, this is what I think you should do." Yeah, yeah. "Musical theater's fine, but heroin's better." You know, it's like an episode of, like, remember Cop Rock? Sure, I remember Cop Rock. Everything I relate back to Cop Rock, 'cause everything's a musical. I imagine, like, a guy in a trench coat going, You sang the high note, but here's some meth. Yeah, I did not have that singing guy in the trench coat, like, after my classical scales saying, like, you know—

It's fascinating to me that, um, I'm glad you brought this up because I have, I have gone— no, we're gonna get off the drugs, but more specifically into, into musical theater because— and musicals that I've always, to this day, I can never reconcile. I couldn't as a kid and I can't now as an old man I can't reconcile the, "What do you think we ought to do?" "I don't know. It's kind of tricky." "Yeah, sure." "But maybe we should—" I'm always like, "What the hell happened? What is it?" Takes you out of it. Yeah. And I'm always— I would love to be in a musical where someone does that and other people are, you know, "What are you doing?" Yeah. Record scratch. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Well, there's two camps of people. There's those that just think it's absolutely ridiculous and don't get it at all. You, perhaps Chalamet. I'm not putting you both in the same, uh, you know, whatever.

You know, I too am with it. I'm with one of the Kardashians as well.

Why is that clown singing in a high note? Ridiculous. Uh, and then those that are totally swept away. I was one of those kids that was totally swept, just totally swept away by it. And I, I, the combination of music and story and that you could break into a song and that, that the singing of that song would somehow tap into some deeper way of expressing the story. I just— I suspended that disbelief.

I do make an exception for the— I'm obsessed with The Music Man, and I'm obsessed with the "You Got Trouble" song. And I feel like I was put on this earth to do that. And someday in my life, I need to do it because I, you know, and I wrote a Simpsons episode about it. And it's just something that I just— And then later was asked, because I know you've worked with the Hollywood Men's Gay Choir. Yes, that's right.

Gay Men's Choir of Los Angeles.

Gay Men's Chorus. And, um, what did I say?

You butchered the name. Hollywood Gay—

Hollywood Foreign Choir. What did you do?

I, I think they're— believe me, I've worked with them, and their name is the Gay Hollywood— that's right— Choir that Men Frequent. That's what it's called. Frequent. And guys, hello. But I got to, I got to work with them. Speaking directly to them. That's your camera. Look right in the camera. Hollywood.

Hello, it's me.

David, I'm an ally. I'm so out of control. Unstoppable. What do I say to you every day?

He calls me once. He'll always just text me ally. And once I was in the car with my boyfriend and he called me because he knew we were in the car and I answered and he just screams, Ally!

Because then I can say later on, I went on record. I'm just— I need to be stopped. I'm an ass. But yeah. They, uh, I performed the Troubles, uh, the— not the Troubles song, the Monorail song, which was my version of it, uh, at the Hollywood Bowl for this, uh, Simpsons anniversary, which was classic. One of my all-time favorite moments in show business. And they were absolutely fantastic and really funny. So I've always thought, oh my God, okay, I need to figure out a way where I get airlifted into a version of Music Man, and I just get to do that song, and then I'm airlifted out.

I mean, I don't know. After the beef you clearly have with musicals, I don't know if that's gonna happen.

I'm distancing myself also from Chalamet. I also am. My beef is always just ballet. I'm down with musicals. I do love musicals. I just— not a beef, it's just that I could never make the logical leap.

But The Music Man is where the line is okay. I love that that's the one where you're like, "But that guy, you know why?" With his little traveling salesman box. When he breaks into song, I believe it. You know why? Why?

Because it's, it's that Rex Harrison thing of he's kind of talk singing. Ah, okay. You know, now listen, my friend. You know, it's all that kind of thing that makes more sense to me because I often start talking to people in that musical rhythm and yelling at them. I mean, I do. You could see why I would want to do a song where it's like, now gather around everyone and I'll tell you what you have to know. Oh, you got— you know, that, as opposed to I wish to have a mayonnaise sandwich. Well, it's not trying to be real. Why can't you take a second and go, Conan, you have a beautiful voice. No! I've given him every fucking opportunity. I wish to have a mayonnaise sand— I mean, come on. That was— You know what's crazy? He's wiping blood from his eyes. The blood that comes out of Josh's eyes when he hears music being butchered.

That was hairs on the back of my neck.

Fantastic.

Fantastic. What a beautiful Irish tenor you have.

Their hair's on the back of your neck.

It's stunning.

Not your hair. It's just other hairs on the back of your neck.

They go all the way down.

I'm kidding. Stop it back there, all of you cackling. We should address— I want to address the Timothée Chalamet thing for just a second because he was right there in the first row when we were at the Oscars. And I think he's an amazing actor. And I actually have met him a bit. I really don't know him that well, but I think he is a really good guy. I really do. He got piled on.

It was a, it became a hat on the head. Yeah.

I'm gonna take a second and I've, of course, I was, I thought that was okay. Maybe that wasn't a great thing to say, but you know, I, I, it ultimately helped.

Yeah. Ticket sales skyrocketed. I mean, like I, the, the thing I took from it is like, all right, people are gonna have their, their hot takes, their opinions as people should, and then you can disagree with it or not. But ultimately, like if what he said meant that everybody went, yeah, stinks, uncool, whatever it is, and, and then sales dropped, well then that would be one thing. But no, everybody— like, ballet companies were saying, "Use promo code 'Chalamet.'" Yeah.

To, like— Yeah.

"If you want 2-for-1 tickets." Everybody was— you know, sometimes you need a heel for everybody to go, "Now wait a minute." Yeah. And every— he actually— he elevated it. People— and then he had— and then Misty Copeland came on the show. Our bit was written before he said those things. That's right. So we— you know, people were asking me, "Did you do that? You were right in front of him.

Did you do that?" And I said, "No, we wanted to do it before." No, we came up with that before that whole thing. But anyway—

Just, you know, just a moment to say he's all right.

Yeah, he's also— and I think he's an incredible actor. Incredible actor. Incredible. Very, very talented. Incredible and talented actor. And, uh, and who amongst us hasn't said things? I mean, truly, um, you did this interview.

I think this interview— this whole interview alone, by the way, can I just say, I want to double down on this.

I believe when at the beginning of time everyone spoke American. Oh my God. And I think American is a language. Listen, I'm sorry about that one. So, what's wrong with fentanyl?

And also— Use promo code Conan for your black tar heroin needs.

Let me tell you. Hey, so let's talk about this. You were always interested in comedy. That's always been an interest of yours. I know you're a talented mimic. At some point, because you are a renowned singer, you get this opportunity to be in The Office. Voice on The Simpsons. You get to start playing in that— on those little playing fields of comedy, and you have a facility for it, and you really enjoy it. And that must've just been— I mean, you have fans who are comedy fans of yours who don't know you sing.

That's very true.

And if they're just tuning in right now, they think, "Oh, they have the comedian Josh Groban on." And then they're like, "Oh, wow! He sings!" sings.

Yeah, in fact, thank you for that opportunity on the Oscars to, to present my singing voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you should finally be heard out.

Done wonders for my streaming. Yeah, yeah. Um, I— so I talked about those first years of my career where I just felt like a shell of myself. Part of that was because I felt like a huge part of my brain was just going untapped. And, you know, in high school I got to work with that choir teacher, but then I also got to start an improv troop. They— I had a free period and we had a black box theater, and they— and when everybody else was just having snacks and, you know, what do kids do, rolling the dice? And I don't know.

Um, wow, you really— I had no—

you really like— you know, I had no social life.

You really had no childhood. You know, when you—

you know, they were trading— you run down the street in your buckle shoes smoking cloves, and, you know, I don't know what they were doing.

Yeah, like one of those rims that goes down the street.

That's it. Yeah, I was playing— I was playing hoop and stick all the way home. Hoop and stick. Going in a butter churn. And, uh, and, uh, so they said, you got anything you want to do? We got an hour free period. And I asked my theater teacher, I said, can we do impro— can I do improv? I, I'd taken some classes. This is actually a very funny side quest, is that in the Valley there's a theater called, um, Connection— LA Connection Comedy Theater. That's it. In the Valley. And I was one of the youngest people they had, they had there taking classes there. They now have a very strange painting of me on their wall. If you drive Drive down, I think it's Victory, one of the streets in Burbank. I think it's next to, like, there's a trophy shop on one side and a gun store on the other. And then there's this improv building. And it's got, like, me and Will Ferrell, who I guess went there, and Matthew Perry's face is on there. But we all look like bizarro versions of ourselves.

Any tribute painting of someone is, by definition, weird. The faces are kind of bent and weird, you know?

You know, there are no paintings of me anywhere as a singer. But for some reason, LA Connection was like, "This guy, this improv master, we must have him on there." But improv was like an escape for me. So I started there. And then, you know, for the vast majority of the beginning of my career, the label and everybody else was like, "You have to be the guy who's on the billboard all the time. You cannot stray from the brand of singing these serious songs and being the serious guy on the pedestal because people are getting an emotion from the songs and you don't want to ruin that." that. Um, honestly, it started with Kimmel. He gave me, uh, he, he said, you know, because I wasn't getting couch time, and you giving me couch time, like being allowed to talk and show my personality was not something as a singer you normally get to do, right? Kimmel said, we've got a panda that is not mating right now. Uh, I think it's Ling Ling the panda. Yeah. Would you do a skit where you sing a ballad trying to make the pandas horny? Right. And I was like, Here we go.

And away we go. And so that was the first thing. Did it work?

That's the only important thing.

Yes. There's a little Josh the Panda. It's— no, I think that worked. I don't know. But then he had me back to sing Kanye West's tweets. And then he had me back to sing Trump's tweets back when we could laugh. Those were good times. And so just, I think— and then friends that I knew that did these shows said, we've got a funny little thing, or we want you to play yourself in a bizarro way. And I just always said yes. I said yes to all of them because for me, it was my way way of just kind of exercising some of that stuff that I felt I wasn't able to be myself. It's freeing, it's fun. So yeah, that's—

do you have— this just fascinates me, but let's say you're singing something like, you know, Unchained Melody or some song that had— where you have to hit these heights and you know those notes are coming. Do you ever get in your head about that, or you just at this point know, oh, I, I know exactly what to do there, and which I'm sure you do, But when you have to take it up several octaves, you might be training for a long time.

You might technically know that the notes are in your range. Yeah. But it takes a lot of kind of practice mentally to get yourself to a place where you just decide to say— and it's not because you don't care, but there has to be a certain amount of fuck it. Because, yeah, because if you care that much, oftentimes the mind and the voice are connected. Yeah. You're going to get tense. And then the more you say, God, I hope it comes out, the sick thing about it is the more you're gonna regret how it came out.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but you sometimes say, "Fuck it," out loud. Oh, did I? Did I say that? No, no. No, no. What I'm saying is, I watched you do the national anthem once. And when it came to "Rocket's Red Glare," and this was in front of a huge stadium filled with children. Well, you said, "Fuck it." "And the rocket's red glare." And it's like, "Don't do that." When you're timing the jets, sometimes you have to vamp.

And it just— I tried to stretch. You see the camera guy is going, doing this. And it's like, fuck it.

All right. I think you should start when you're going to hit a really great, impressive note saying, watch this, just before you do it. Just you break out of the song and go, watch this.

Mwah! There was a singer, I won't name him, but there was a singer, kind of, there was a tenor that I used to see that was kind of coming up around the same time. And he used to do something before he'd hit high notes where he'd be about to sing the high note and he'd go, yeah. Oh no.

And I just would go, get this, here we—

watch this. I don't like that at all. Yeah. I just— yeah. Yeah. Check me out. If I did that, if I went, it definitely wouldn't come out. Like, that's a surefire way to jinx a high note.

I would completely go this other guy's way. Yes, you would. I would go the other way and glorify. My favorite thing is to say, check this out, and then fail. I think it's the funniest— the funniest thing in the world to me is watch this and then wipe out and then completely wipe out. I think that's very funny.

Yeah, you don't start your Oscar monologue with, check this out. Yeah, all right, here we go.

All right, what's this? Hey, you ready to laugh? Uh, watch this. Oh God. Yeah, did you see that? That movie is so-and-so. Yeah, so-and-so. You know, boy, that would be awful. That's a good joke, by the way.

I did have one performance where I was kind of sick. I was with David Foster. He, by the way, I should preface by saying he's been the most supportive and he's been a great mentor. But there was one time where I think he knew that I should just buckle up and sing the note, and I was being kind of a baby about it. I had a cold and I said David, this song, please, will you just make sure I don't— can I just not sing the note tonight? Can I sing around it? Yeah, yeah, no problem, no problem. We get out there, gets up to the note, he's got a mic at the piano, right? And he goes, here comes the money note, right before— and that was a lesson learned. That was like— and by the way, because I was so surprised that he said it, popped right out. Sure. And it was like, you know, tough love. Yeah.

Oh, why? Yeah, a lot of phlegm got spit out in that moment. Yeah. Okay, there's another question. So I'm driving around listening to cinematic and, you know, the Breakfast at Tiffany's theme. Moon River. Moon River. Which I do with my dad. Which you do with your dad. And then it devolves into bickering at one point. It does. You apparently left the milk out and it was overnight. Those dishes will never get done.

River.

There's no duet with me and my dad. Yeah.

The "fuck it" in that one is very faint. It comes after the jazzy key change. It's a little off mic.

How cool to get to do that with your dad?

It was amazing. One of one experience. Yeah. Great, great musical arranger, Vince Mendoza, gave us that beautiful arrangement. And there was always a moment in the song for an instrumental. And I had great trumpet players that I'd kind of reached out to get feelers. I talked to Wynton Marsalis and Terence Blanchard, my heroes, to say, hey, I'm doing this song. Would you be interested? And they both said, send me in. And then I said to myself, you know, my favorite trumpet player is also my favorite person. And my dad is turning 80 this summer. He hasn't played the trumpet in any way professionally since the '60s. And I asked him, I said, I know you played Moon River as a kid. If I got you to rehearse, you had 2 weeks notice, do you think you could get the lip? And do you think you could do it? And he says, well, let me see. And he unzipped his trumpet case that had Dizzy Gillespie for president on it. And it was dusty, hadn't been opened since like the '70s. And every time I'd call the house, I'd say, "Mom, how's he doing?" I'd be hearing, "Brrr, brrr, brrr," in the background.

I'm going, "He's rehearsing." And I said, "How's it going, Dad?" He said, "Good, good. I actually think I might be able to do this." So, Greg Wells, our producer, set it up. I said, "Look, this is going to be my dad. I want this to be special, and we need to have some patience. He hasn't played in a while." So, Greg's credit, he said, "We got to do this at Sunset Sound," which was Louis Armstrong's favorite studio in LA. And then he called, and they said, "You know, we actually still have Louis' stool. So, if you want, we could set out the stool for your dad to sit on, and we got the old mics he used to record into." going, this is just turning into not just a song, but like a core memory family moment. My whole family showed up and my brother and my sister-in-law, my 2-year-old nephew who's walking around and, you know, I got pictures of my dad playing the trumpet for him and it was just, you know, it, it, and he crushed it. He totally crushed it. So I got my musicality from him. He went into business.

His mom said, that's no way to make a living. And to have a song that is a tribute and a thank you for what he put in my DNA. Is just— it's the best. It's the best thing I've ever—

my father-in-law is an incredibly talented musician and, you know, great. You know, he can play jazz guitar and, you know, that kind of Dixieland style. And he's just— I mean, he can play like Django Reinhardt stuff. Oh, great. And he's really terrific. And he would always sit in with other bands and stuff. And he played at our wedding. And, but he's someone who, that's what was his real love, but he thought, well, I'm married, I'm getting married and I'm going to have kids and I must be responsible. So he worked in insurance. And there's so many people who are great artists. I think we live in a culture now of, this is my dream and I must do it. And there's so many people who make decisions that this is what I want. I want a stable Yep. Income for my family. And they do that. So people like your, like your dad, and he could really wail.

We have one recording of a live performance he had in the '60s, and he was, I mean, truly phenomenal. And, you know, he became an executive recruiter. You know, he's a headhunter. You know, he goes out and finds jobs for people and he's brilliant at it. And he's got, luckily I don't have that side of the brain. If I wasn't doing this, I'd be lost. But he has also the business. He, he can focus, like really focus and he can do that. And he's great at it. But for him to watch me do it for a living, my brother's a director, to kind of watch our artistic endeavors blossom, has, I think, been really helpful.

But also, and you're able to do that because he was responsible and did what he had to do.

Sit down. That's exactly right, is that he went in to do what he did to make sure that we were able to say, "Hey, I liked going to the theater. Can I join the theater camp? Can I get an instrument to play myself?" himself. And that is the greatest service he could have ever possibly done for us.

Yeah. I think our final message here is don't pursue your dreams. You know what I mean? Don't. Speak English. Yeah.

Do heroin. I call it American. Oh, sorry. Speak American. Yeah. Do heroin. Deny your dreams.

Deny your dreams. Yeah. Yeah. I call Old English original American. 1100 AD English to me is like, yeah, that was American. And then they made it English. Um, yep, I'm a moron that just doesn't quit. Well, uh, latest album, Cinematic. It's really— it's amazing. And also, I mean, I was thinking, do you, do you ever just drive around and listen to yourself and enjoy it, or is that impossible?

Well, there's so much of that that happens when you're doing mixes, and you got to make sure you're, you're listening with a critical lens because you just want to make sure that everything is balanced right. So I mean, yes, you accidentally, uh, get chills sometimes. You say, well, I sounded good there. Oh, that really sounds great. But you prick, my— yeah, it's true, it's true. Ah, here comes the high note. Ah, yeah.

I'm gonna rent you a convertible and we're gonna get a bumped up sound system and you're gonna listen to Cinematic driving around LA and people are going to see you listening to yourself and pointing at yourself at stoplights.

I'm gonna point at you. Yeah, I'm gonna say, what a voice, eh?

Yeah. Uh, uh, Josh, this has been a real delight. Same here. Um, you were a teenager, I believe, when I met you, and you were were again really sweet, really funny. And I thought— and now here you are, uh, and you're an incredibly, incredibly good guy and a terrific artist. So, well, glad to know you, and thanks again for your help.

Listen, thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for being an inspiration for so many years. You make it look easy. I know how hard it is, and you're just such a beacon of light for so many. So that's— wow, this is the one. I'm gonna stick the landing here with some—

take it, take it. Well, you heard it here, I'm a huge, uh, influence musically.

You are, Josh. You are. Hearing, uh, your Danny Boy really, uh—

oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes.

Maybe I can do this for a living.

Conan O'Brien goes broke in one month. Um, Josh, thank you.

In celebration of your upcoming appearance in the new Toy Story movie—

Toy Story 5. Yeah.

Yeah. The new one. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We have something special to show you. Oh my God, it's out!

Oh, how cool! Look at that!

This is my character. His name is Smarty Pants.

It's a toy for the listener.

It's a toy for— Well, basically, my character in Toy Story 5 is a potty training device. And so I think this must be my voice, right? Well, hello there.

Pick a number.

I mean, that could be me. Yeah, I think it's you. No, it's— I mean, I recorded these.

You recorded specifically for the toy, or did they take the sound bits from the movie?

No, they had me do it for the toy. Do it here. And you know what I was like? I was like, you know what, I'm never— Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This isn't the bathroom. That's you.

That is me. That's me. You did that. No, what's that? You did it here in this studio? Yeah, I did it. Yes! It doesn't shut up.

It must be you.

It won't shut up. Okay, that's— oh no, you know what I did? I decided— they're like, jeez, someone's doing— you know what's so weird? I'm being interrupted by myself. Finally, there's karma. Oh my God, I can't get him to shut up. It's motion activated. Are you done? Oh, he's motion activated. That's what the problem is. Yeah, it is, it is motion activated.

Oh, it does say it right there on the box.

Can you turn it upside down? I'm just going to put it on the floor for a second.

And then can you yourself go on the floor too?

And can I be boxed and put into storage by a collector? Yeah, they said, oh, do you want to— I guess they can use a different voice. But they said, do you want to do your voice for the toy? And I remember thinking, I'm never going to be a toy again. Yeah, I want to be a toy. I want to be the voice of the toy.

Did you get paid a little extra? They negotiated that?

I do not think so. No? No.

Well, this is— Yeah.

This is the opposite of a cash grab. Yeah, this is not that. This is, uh, I mean, and I don't, I don't care because it's— to be part of the Toy Story saga, it was just a delight. And to be in the same company of these amazingly creative people and these huge stars, so I was just super happy to, to do it. But, um, yeah, so now it's a, it's a toy.

I wonder when my youngest daughter gets potty trained if we'll use that.

Um, I I think your wife will nix that.

But what if you find out people are using it and children all over the world are getting constipated?

An epic— there's an epidemic of constipation among children. We think we found the— yeah, kids just seize up when they hear my voice.

I love that the time you're in a Pixar movie, it's when you're a roll of toilet paper.

Well, that's how the toy looks, but I'm not a roll of toilet paper.

I know, That's, that's what it's modeled after.

You're a roll of toilet paper.

Yeah, you look like a roll of toilet paper.

You're looking at the wrong way. Literally a roll of toilet paper.

It actually is like just a roll of toilet paper. No, no. Oh my God, your eyes light up.

Okay, you just talked over my toy, which is so you. My toy was trying to talk and you, in typical Sona fashion— make a Sona toy.

Okay, well, glad I didn't talk over that.

Let me see this Oh, look, now I like when you put it face down and he's just talking into the— into the table. Alone again. Wow. That's, uh, Smarty Pants when he's low on battery and he sounds drunk. Oh, um, that's my method as an actor.

Oh, that's good.

Um, now I have to be honest, as we record this I've not seen the movie yet, so I don't know what's going to happen. This could be the end of me. Really? What?

Are you joking?

We just never know.

No, you're joking. It's— it's gonna be great.

I do not want to be the guy that fucks up Toy Story 5. Oh, you're so—

don't say that. Maybe you'll get a spin-off.

What if I leave the podcast to go double down on my Smarty Pants career? What if I start touring and I'm in a Smarty Pants costume? You go to conventions? I go to conventions, and I have, you know, I'm one of those— I just do this a lot and take pictures with people. Yeah, I think it's a good idea. Yeah, that'll work. Uh, anyway, so that's it. I am the voice of a toilet training toy. This is exciting. Um, are you excited? Now, this is a big deal for you— animation and Disney and all that, right?

Well, I'm not like one way or the other on Disney cartoons, but Toy Story and Pixar, they're pretty amazing. And plus, now that I have a daughter that I go to the movies with, this is going to be amazing.

Will you take her to see Toy Story 5?

We go see a lot a lot. We, we love going to movies.

So good.

I mean, this would be— sometimes we're stretching to find a decent movie.

The only thing I've seen— I go to the premiere tomorrow and I will see the movie for the first time. I have no— and there are whole chunks of the movie I don't know because they only give you your part. But, um, one of the things that they did let me see was the opening of the movie, uh, and it's just stunning.

Do you have—

are you in that, or do you have a— I'm not in it. Do you have a grand entrance of it? No, I mean, I don't know. I have not seen anything to do with my part. I'm totally In the Dark. So, uh, but they show the opening of the movie, which is quite cinematic and amazing. And I just, uh, they are— because David Hoppe and I got to go to Pixar. Yeah. To record my parts. And, uh, it is— they're formidable, these people. They're just really amazing.

Are you gonna take the boys? I am. Yeah. And when he comes on screen, are you gonna whisper to them, "I have complicated feelings about that kid"?

I think— no, they that Uncle Conan's in the next Toy Story movie.

They don't know which part I am.

They have no idea which part you're in.

Just tell them I'm Woody. Oh my God, that's blasphemy.

Absolutely not. No way. Do you get to go to Disneyland for free? That's one of the perks of being like a Disney employee. Do you have a badge? No. Oh, okay. Are you— so you're not like— you were just like temporarily there if you wanted to go to Disneyland for free or get tickets for somebody Who wants to go to Disneyland for free?

I think they got what they needed from me. Okay. And I will be— and even if I try to purchase a legitimate ticket to Disneyland, they will probably tell me I can't have it.

You know, we floated the idea of the three of us going to Disneyland and recording there. I think we should do that.

I'd do that. Sure. Yeah.

I'd do that.

Yeah.

Yeah. I love Disney. I took a date to Disneyland once years ago. How old were I was, um, I was when I was first living out here, so it would have been like 1986. I would have been 23. How was the date?

It was a good day.

Yeah, it was a great day.

It was a good day. Yeah, yeah, that was great. Awkwardness out of it because there's so much to do.

Why would there be awkwardness with me? What are you talking about?

Did you make her go to like the Hall of Presidents?

I— it gets worse. I took her to the Hall of Presidents and then made her— we stayed 'Cause I wanted to see each president talk multiple times. And then she got upset when I said— I told her, she started to say something, I said, "Quiet, it's Martin Van Buren coming up." He was the sage of Kinderhook. And she went, "What?" And I said, "Old Kinderhook, upstate New York. Martin Van Buren, his lineage was— they were Dutch." And then I snapped at her. And I never saw her again. She left in tears. And then Martin Van Buren looked at me and went, "You are a dick, sir." He knows so much about Martin Van Buren. He said, "You know more about me than I do." And then Martin Van Buren said, "She looked hot." And then Lincoln said, "Sure did. You fucked up, son." And then all the— You cockblocked yourself, young man. You cockblocked yourself, and that's hard to do. And then all the presidents just spent like 40 minutes telling me what an absolute— They had a roast? They just went after me. I would watch the Hall of Presidents roast. Yeah. And then there was a Kevin Hart robot came out and he said, I'm not a president, but I want in on this.

And then he went after me. And so it was all the presidents and Kevin Hart roasting me for making my girlfriend go see the Hall of Presidents. Anyway, she fled, never, never to return again. Great. Anyway, Toy Story 5, do it, man.

I don't know, my brain doesn't work today.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avcessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leão. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review Review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get 3 free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.