Transcript of Andrew Scott New

Hi, my name is Andrew Scott. And tó áthas arán about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

What?

What is that?

That means I'm happy in Irish.

In Irish?

Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined, uh, by Sona Movsesian.

Hello, Sona.

Hello. Matt Gourley. How are you, Matt? Hi, Doc.

Hi, Doc.

I'll just let it go. Um, do you guys ever see our videos come up when you're, uh, you know— Oh yeah, you see the videos come up, uh, of us doing the podcast, and I see too, when they put out the photo of me with the guest, I'll be with Billie Eilish, I'll be with, you know, whoever the guest is.

Mm-hmm.

But I think Billie Eilish came to mind cuz I was looking at the photograph and my hair's insane.

Yeah.

And I realized that for years and years and years I would do a show and I'd, you know, run a comb through my hair and kind of, you know, make sure the coif was working.

And I don't do that at all with the podcast.

And sometimes it's insanity. We have a wall out there of pictures of me with different guests, and my hair is all over the map.

It really is.

It really—

I mean, it's—

It's mood hair.

It's just insanity.

And I don't know, I got self-conscious. I think the other day, some— maybe it was the Billie Eilish photograph popped up on my screen. I don't know what's going on up there. I look like Shemp from the Three Stooges.

Yeah.

If he were a ginger.

And then I started to think, What, you know, do I need to do something about this? Do I need to get it under control, or is this just what it is now, man?

It's you.

It's podcast, man.

I have to get— make sure my hair looks decent every time we do this.

No, you don't.

Conan!

No, no. What I'm saying, Sona, I wasn't saying your hair looks bad.

It's just I don't think you have any control over what's happening on top of your head.

I certainly do, sir.

What do you mean?

I put so much product in my hair and I have to make sure that it's, it's like kind of normal.

So I'm seeing your hair after it's been treated and cared for. I'm just— and I'm saying this, Sonya, you know, this is also a compliment because your hair is powerful. It is the source of your strength.

I have the most iconic hair on this podcast.

That's saying something. Yeah, that's— I'm kidding. But I mean, you have abundant, luxurious, powerful hair. It is. And what do you do?

What do you do to it?

Okay, so So I get out of the shower.

To make it so angry and crazy. Do you taunt it?

I start off, I put in argan oil to moisturize. What's that?

Is it Aragon oil? What is that?

It's argan oil.

Argan.

Isn't argon a gas? It's a gas.

No, argan. A-R-G-A-N. Oh, okay. Not O-N. O-N is a gas.

What is argan oil?

It's like from, it's like Moroccan oil. It's like the, it's like really nice. Oil and it moisturizes. You can use it on your skin. And then after that, I put in like 7 other products. Like, I put in a leave-in conditioner, I put in a styling cream, I put in some gel, and then I twirl it, then I blow dry it, and then you use a defibrillator.

Clear! Bang! Clear! Bang! I do so much stuff. Hostage negotiator comes in.

Yeah, but it's been dry lately because I ran out of I ran out of argan.

What would it be like if you didn't use all that?

Huh?

What would it be like if you didn't use all that?

Oh, it's horrific.

Okay, so this stuff is expensive.

It is expensive. Yeah, it's because it's imported. It's expensive.

So you have to get it from Morocco. That's the best way to do it.

Have you been to Morocco to shop for argan oil?

I have not, but I would love to go and I would go just to shop for argan oil.

I think if they knew, if the people in Morocco knew you were coming to get more of their oil, I think they would try to keep you from showing up because it's just a massive drain on their oil supply. I just picture huge reservoirs of argan oil being poured over your head just to tame your hair for 2 hours.

Well, maybe it'll help your hair, too.

You think I should put argan oil on my hair?

I think, I think, yes.

Oh, and then slick it and part it down the middle and put on glasses and go, "Blah." It's a new look. I'm a bibliophile.

Yeah, I would, I would love to go to Morocco to just buy some more argan oil.

Yeah.

Okay. Not gonna happen. Oh, okay. Not on my dime, that's for sure. Hopefully.

Do you direct order it from Morocco?

No, but it, you can only get it cuz they, they're, I guess they're just trees that only grow in Morocco and then they like cultivate the oil.

They're cutting down trees in Morocco to tame your hair. No, they're cutting down forests. Forests. To tame her hair.

Forests.

Yeah. That's why there's a desert. It was beautiful once. Yeah, no, it was like Ireland there once until Sona started to try and tame her hair. Oh my God, it was like the Shire. There were monkeys around, kakaka, going from tree to tree. And then Sona was born. Oh man. We need these trees.

You thought I've been using it since I was born? Like I was an infant putting on argan oil on my hair?

I think you were born with all that hair. I really do. I don't think you were a bald baby.

I wasn't.

No, I didn't think so.

I actually was not a— A bald baby. I didn't think so. Your hair was born maybe 2 months before you came out. Is that funny? Your mom was braiding it. Well, she'll be here soon. Yeah, that's right. That's the image I want all of you to have. That's how you're actually born, with a handle. Yeah, when it was tied, a ripcord. Yeah, and swoop! So anyway, that's insanity. Anyway. So you're— it's dry now because you're no argon oil.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've run out, so I got to go get some.

All right. We got to get you some.

All right.

Insane.

Just insanity. And one of the most disturbing images out of hundreds and hundreds of episodes we've done.

Yes.

Sona's hair coming out months before she comes out and then her mom combing it and braiding it before Sona's born. Is freaking me out.

I feel like this is the second time he's done a— you've done a whole bit about my birth where one time you were talking about my mom crushing me.

What?

Do you guys remember?

Yeah, this sounds very misremembered.

He just kept yelling, I crush you.

I crush you. I crush you. Yeah. With her strong pelvic muscles.

She was crushing you.

Don't say— don't talk about my mom's pelvic muscles.

I crush you. I crush you. Yeah, it was— I don't know why she was crushing you. I don't remember. But I do remember the phrase, I crush you. I crush you.

You owe my mom an apology.

No, I don't think so. Anyway, I love your mom. She's fantastic.

Yeah, because this is like a show expense though, like based on like the Blay way of doing things. Can I use my corporate card to buy argan oil?

Absolutely not. No, because that's just going to encourage Blay to buy more, you know, whatever Star Wars gloves and Iron Man assholes and then charge us for them. So no. Why am I catching strays in this?

Because you know what you did and it was wrong and your mother's been implicated as well.

No, no, you cannot buy argan oil on our dime.

It's not going to happen.

All right.

Okay.

I'll stop you. All right. We've got to get into this because we have an amazing show today.

My guest today is a fantastic actor who has starred in Sherlock, Fleabag. I mean, so much more. I adore this fellow.

Me too.

Truly.

I think he's one of the greatest actors alive. I'm serious about that. Now you can see him in the new movie Pressure. I'm just on cloud nine that he's here today because I have not met the man.

Andrew Scott, welcome.

You may not be aware that there is an Irish television show that's in Irish language exclusively that they make in Ireland.

Yes, it's called Ros na Rún.

Ros na Rún. I was on Ros na Rún.

You're joking. I was on Ros na Rún.

And then it got canceled. Yeah, yeah.

You were in the last season of Ross Naroom. I was.

You closed Ross Naroom.

I'm the one that ended it. It was flourishing. But no, I went, I did some taping in Dublin.

We found out that there was a possibility I could be on Ross Naroom. I said yes. All my lines are in Irish. Wow.

What we used to call Gaelic, but they're all in Irish.

So did you have to learn it phonetically?

Yes, I had to learn it. They had cue cards that a horse could read. I mean, literally, it was, "Ha, bo, ni, na." It's the most insane language. It's completely crazy. It's completely insane. It is crazy. And I thought, well, this is going to be cool.

And I get there and I talk to this very cool woman who's the producer, super efficient, super smart, wicked sense of humor. And I said to her, well, what's my part? I'm coming in. Am I the dashing—? And she went, no, you're an idiot who delivers balloons to the bar. Poor lamb.

Yeah.

And I said to her, listen, as a joke, I said, I said to her, "Listen, there's a good chance that before the day is out, you will fall in love with me. This is what happens when I work with me." And she said, "I'll fall in love with you if you get this done in half an hour." Don't burst the balloons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't touch the balloons.

And it occurred to me that I've been to Ireland a number of times, and what always occurs to me is that my formative experience was performing. There was a show I did once with a bunch of other Irish comedians years and years and years ago. Show's over. We're at the American Ambassador's residence in Phoenix Park. We get into a cab. The cab driver's funnier than all of us. Yeah, of course. And it's just— You throw a stick and you will hit 75 of the funniest people you've ever met in your life, and they'll tear your face off.

No, they're vicious. Yeah, vicious. But you grew up in Dublin?

I grew up in Dublin. Yeah. Yeah. My father was from the West of Ireland, very rural Ireland. My mother was from Northern Ireland. So, but yeah, Irish, 100% Irish.

Have you confronted your Irishness? Oh, it's like—

I think it increases. I think it increases. You know, I think if you get— well, because when you're in Ireland, you just, you don't think about it. But when you're outside, if you're an Irish person outside of Ireland, you're much more aware, I think, of your Irishness than you would be, of course, if you were just surrounded by everybody else who's Irish. Other babbling. Other babbling people.

Mildly depressed, but also euphoric people.

Euphoric people. And I do think there is a reliance on storytelling and, you know, babbling and being funny. Because it keeps the people alive. It completely keeps the people alive. So if everybody's emigrated, the way you talk about them is you create this stuff about them and you create— you keep them in the room. You know what I mean? So I do think— I was just back there filming, actually, in Ireland for the first time in a long time, actually. And everybody's funny. Everybody's funny. It's the way— it's the language. Yeah, it is. It's the use of language.

So I need to say this right up front. I intended to say it right up front, but of course, we started talking immediately—

About Ross Narooma. —about Ross Narooma. Which, by the way, single podcast interview I do. Ross Naroon. Sorry to bring Ross Naroon up again. Cher was just here and we talked about Ross Naroon. You know, well, she brought it up. Yeah, she brought it up. She said, have you ever done Ross Naroon? And I said, shut up, Cher.

Um, I am a, uh, Andrew, I am a mega fan, uh, to a disturbing level, uh, and I know exactly when it started, which is my, uh, my son really got into the remake of Sherlock Holmes with Benedict Cumberbatch.

Yeah, and by the way, in the States, that's a sobriety test. You don't even have to get out of the car now. They say, who's in the Sherlock Holmes? And if you go, Benedict, come with me, sir.

So Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes, and then you are his nemesis, Moriarty. And the second you walked on camera was an epic moment for me because— and jump in here if you know— this performance you gave, which has been much discussed, and it really puts you on the map. You are frightening, terrifying, and funny. And I've always thought all the best villains are charming and funny. Totally. It's important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your Moriarty There's this iconic scene where you walk into that—

there's a pool. There's a swimming pool. Swimming pool.

And you're being very clever, and you have that beautiful lilt in your voice, and you're very— and then at one point you say, I believe the line is, you get enraged and you say to Holmes, "I will burn your heart.

I will burn the heart out of you." I will burn the heart out of you. Yeah.

"Burn the heart out of you!" But then you're kind of pleasant again. And I think I have— I don't know how many times I've watched that scene, but you are so— Great in that role. And then these things just came one after another. Fleabag, the hot priest in Fleabag, was an iconic standout role. And by the way, if there were 5 people you'd asked me a month ago, who would you like to meet that you haven't met? One would be you, and the other would be Phoebe Waller-Bridge, who I've never met, who I absolutely adore. She's keeping us at a distance, which—

Quite right. Did you mention Ross Maroon?

I did. No, you know what? Staring you in the face. You know what? She apparently was booked, then she saw me as the balloon boy in Ross Maroon. He popped those balloons. Yeah, and she was out. But— Puppetry playback. Yeah, I'm serious. You have to watch it. It's wild. It's a fright. It's a— Did you arrive with balloons?

I had the balloons, and the guy at the bar starts thinking I'm an idiot and calling me an idiot, and we get into a dispute, and I'm quickly ejected from the bar. That was my big— And then, was it a year and a half ago? I hear, oh, they've come out with a serialized version of Ripley. Yeah. That— I have watched Ripley, which I believe is— how many episodes is it?

I think it's 8 episodes. 8 episodes. Maybe 7 or 8.

I think I've watched it 3 times all the way through.

Have you really?

Wow. Your performance is stunning. All the performances are great. One of the things I also noticed is that you can freeze-frame any second of those 8 episodes and have that mounted on the wall, and it's an incredible black-and-white photograph.

It's maybe—

I'm not someone who walks away from a project and says, "Oh, the cinematography." That is one of the most spectacular pieces of television filmmaking. So that got me. Your Vanya, which is— you play every role. I do, yeah. Which I don't understand. There are times I watch people, usually it's in athletics, where I say, "Well, that's a different species." But I don't know how you did that. And then I'm delighted that one of my best friends in the world, one of my oldest and best friends, Lisa Kudrow, has done this brilliant third version of The Comeback, and I don't even know you're in it. And then you walk in as her new, very mysterious, strange boss. And I thought, "Okay, all my favorite people are in one project." So, Andrew, if I do nothing else but compliment you in this talk, it will be a very boring interview.

You're forgetting he's a Bond villain too, essentially.

Oh, I know, I know. I left that out just to humiliate you. I appreciate it. He works Bond in every costume. I try. You do? You're a big Bond guy?

Well, I mean, you could take it or leave it, but no, no, he's obsessed.

We will be talking to a historian about the Battle of Gettysburg and he will say, how do you think James Bond would have done in that situation? You were fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you very much.

You've had, you had this, um, well-deserved run, but like all people, you have an origin story. Yeah. And we got to go back to that because you Apparently, you were a very shy kid.

Yeah, very shy.

Yeah, shy. And you had a pronounced lisp.

Yeah, I had a sort of really strong lisp, which I think a lot of kids do. They sort of grow out of it. It's kind of cute. So I went to sort of elocution lessons, and you do like—

When I bring up lisp, does it just come back?

Exactly. What are you talking about? I have no idea what you're saying. Say Benedict Cumberbatch right now.

But yeah, I had a lisp. And so, yeah, you had to do this terrible thing called elocution, which is all about your— but it's basically speech and drama. And so the speech part was sort of still fine, but the drama part was suddenly I was able to be kind of not shy and do all these kind of weird things. And I kind of love TV and all that kind of stuff.

What were you watching on TV?

Just like The Muppet Show. It was like nothing, you know, not just exclusively The Muppet Show. To this day? To this day. You've never seen anything?

You watched all The Muppet Show and then you did Vanya. All the parts.

But The Muppet Show is extraordinary though, right? Have you seen the Jim Henson documentary?

Yeah, because we had Ron Howard in there.

Oh, did you? Yeah. Yeah. For that.

I mean, I got to know the man a little bit. Did you really? In another lifetime. Yeah. I ran this— He was a Muppet.

Yeah, I was a Muppet. Back in the day. Yeah. I'm related to the eagle.

No, a very good friend of mine from college was Lisa Henson, and her dad used to come and visit us. And then he was very nice to me. And then one day, because I ran the college humor magazine, and he said, "Hey, Conan, do you want one of the chairs from The Dark Crystal for the Lampoon Building?" And I said, "Well, sure." And he said, "Well, come down and pick it up." And so we rented a van. And my friends Jessica Marshall and Mark Ganim and I jumped in a van, and I'd never done anything like this. I drove from Boston to New York.

Oh, come on.

We went to this warehouse and they said, "You here?" You know, a guy with a cigar was like, "You here for the Dark Crystal throne?" Yes, I am. And it's still there to this day.

Yeah. Amazing. Just an incredible man.

Just what he would've done. That's what I— watching this thing, I mean, just— I guess that's why, even as a kid, you're sort of fully formed, I think. Do you know what I mean? So, you know, when you're doing all that stuff when I was a kid, You just sort of know. You become maybe more accomplished, but all the stuff is there with you, I think, when you're 8 years old. I think it's something that he really recognizes, you know, because he understands that sort of, you know, something I talk about endlessly in acting, which is about playfulness, is that's all you're really required to be, is just to be a bit like, "I'll do that with you." Sure. You know what I mean? Then you just slot yourself into different sort of scenarios and different sort of tones of drama or comedy or whatever it is.

And you were very artistic as a kid. Yeah, artistic, yeah. So you drawing, painting? What are you doing? Drawing, yeah.

Lots of life drawing. My mother was an art teacher, And yeah, just drawing all the time. It's something that I'm still really interested in. Yeah, so that was kind of, you know that weird thing where you get terrible party anxiety and once you're at the party, you're okay. Yeah. Yeah, and so the drawing is a way of, I don't know, just practicing being around human beings.

Yeah. Yeah. Creepy. I'll be there in a minute. I just have to draw all of you. Everyone stay still. Don't move.

You said something that really struck a nerve with me, which is we come fully formed. And that's something that my father used to say to us. He used to say, all of you are who you were when I brought you home from the hospital. Ah, um, meaning It's like buying a phone that already has the software. All that stuff. I know parents really like to think, "I mold the child and I create the child," and they get very egotistical about it. And it's always been clear to me that they are who they are. They come. What you can do is you can fuck it up. And you can also nurture. And I'm still deciding which way to go with my kids, but they got to earn it. My time is precious.

But you know, that's—

But you can fuck up the software completely, couldn't you? Like, you know, you go like, if you have this very set idea of what something wants to be, you know, somebody, I think that's what my parents were both very good at actually about knowing, because the three of us, I've got two sisters, my sisters, my older sister Sarah is very sporty and my younger sister Hannah is very artistic, but in a sort of slightly different way to the way the way I was artistic. And they were both very good at going, "Okay, well, you do that." And I think some of the real damage you can do is by going, I don't know, making your iPhone a Samsung phone.

Nicely done. Yeah, it works.

Nicely done. Very nice.

I'm like my child's child of capitalism. Nicely done.

Right? Because you just secured a deal with Apple.

Oh, no, I've already secured it.

That's why I had to bring that up.

Damn you! That's why you paused before you said that.

You had to get it in. Got it in the right order.

Damn, get it right, get it right. There's a lot riding on this.

Well, let me just say that Hanes underwear, I think, is the best underwear because that's the only deal I could get.

Mr. iPhone over here. Hey, check that out, I'm wearing 6 layers. Oh, are you wearing Hanes? Hey, hey, hey, let's be honest, I would kill for a Hanes deal. I'd take anything at this point.

Hanes is American, right?

It's Hanes I only wear American underwear. It's something I'm very patriotic. I check people's underwear constantly just to make sure they're patriots. These colors don't run. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I found it in North Carolina. Um, that's—

thanks for that info. You got it. And North Carolina. Thank you. Thank you, Eduardo. Did you look it up on your iPhone? So you grow up, you're working on the LHC.

I wouldn't say that.

Yeah, you never grew up.

But also, I love that you said about play, because that's all any of this is. Yeah, for sure. And I constantly remind people that I have— take me at 12 years old, and what I'm doing now is certain things have been articulated and developed. It's the same thing. I'm just playing. I love to play and I will play with anybody. Someone on the street will talk to me and if they're funny, I'll spend 20 minutes with them. It's just the same thing. And it's a love of play, which we then get very highfalutin. You are Vanya, you become— And it's extremely impressive and it takes this amazing talent and discipline. You're still playing.

Oh, you absolutely are. And I hate the idea of high art and low art. I really do. I think it's nonsense. And actually, all the people who were, you know, like with Shakespeare or any of those people, like Shakespeare, I always feel has been sort of hijacked by academics, you know? And anybody, you know, I always find out, 'cause the very first, 'cause we used to do when I was a kid, we used to do these, we used to get to do Shakespeare in these little Irish competitions, you know, like just extracts from Shakespeare. So you do 10 minutes of it and you'd sort of, I don't know, you just understood, you just, I kind of understood it in a way. Didn't understand all the words. But then I think what happens with some of those big guys is if there are 250 books, written about how to speak the language of Michael Patrick King and Lisa Kudrow's The Comeback, right? It would drown it. It would kill it. There isn't a way of doing it. There isn't a way of doing it. And so what I think happens with sort of some of those, with theater particularly, is there's this idea that it's— that you're not— not everybody is possessed of the thing that an actor needs to possess, which is just, to my mind, just playfulness.

And the stuff that I love to do is to be able to just do lots of all the different stuff because why wouldn't you?

Well, it's also— it's seeing that, yes, I love Shakespeare, but I also love The Muppet Show. Yeah. That I love some of the more refined cinema, but I cut my teeth on Warner Brothers cartoons. Yeah. The timing, the characters, the kinds of attitudes that people are playing. And I think there's no difference between a great Warner Brothers cartoon and a really good— Shakespeare sonnet, it's— It's exactly the same thing.

And actually, he even says it in Hamlet. He says, he literally has a thing about how you should speak the language. It's so extraordinary. He just says, "Just speak it trippingly on the tongue and stop shouting it out and stop doing all that kind of stuff." So, I think because I started and I didn't train formally, you kind of have to put your dukes up a little bit about, not the way I'm talked about, but the way I suppose not to let my— access to whatever I do for a living to be influenced too much by the seriousness with which other people talk about it.

I always think the word calcify, things harden. If someone starts using a bunch of $50 words describing your process and what you do, they're not doing you any favors. No, absolutely not. And it's nice that they see all that in your work, but it's best that you not know about it because you want access to anything that's going to make you enjoy, be spontaneous, see a possibility, and not overthink it.

I think it's so true. And you just keep that alive. And the longer you work, because you're not really supposed to play as an adult. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You're supposed to know, which is like the opposite of playing. Right? Do you know what I mean? You're supposed to know the answer and any of the great adults, I think, are the ones who are like, "I don't know, let's keep learning because it'll be really boring at this stage." I mean, I'm nearly 30 years acting, you know, sort of professionally. And I want to— you want to keep being like, you know— Isn't this cool?

Isn't this cool? Isn't this cool?

I get to do this. Yes, exactly.

This is fun. And also not to be sort of false in the sense that you go, "I don't know anything," but you can still know things. You can still go, "My instinct," you know, you definitely have instincts, but actually it's having more confidence in your instincts. Like when you're doing like a, you're hanging out with kids and they're playing, watching them play is amazing. They're not thinking, what are we going to do? They just go, okay, you be the thing.

You be the thing.

You start with a, my mom did this because she was an art teacher and she was an incredible teacher, my mom. And she used to teach people how to draw. And she said, when you, when you, when you, um, people start to draw, they immediately start, you know, drawing like the most tentative line possible because they don't want to make a mistake. Yes. It's just the best thing you can always do when you're starting to draw is just, is to be sort of loud, confident, and wrong. So start with a really strong line, and even if that line is completely wrong and you've drawn over the line, you know, you've drawn over that, that line will actually still be there, but the people appreciate the mistake. Yes. So actually, you start with a bit of confidence, you know, the way kids do, and you can redraw, but don't not draw.

But also, I mean, I did this kind of comedy for whatever, almost 30 years on television, where people come on and I interview them and da-da-da-da, there's a band. And I would pray for mistakes because mistakes were such gifts. And then you get to a point where you're like, oh my, here someone will misspeak, I'll misspeak, I'll try to say Benedict Cumberbatch, it doesn't come out right. We then get off on a jag if you acknowledge it, and then it becomes about drunk driving, and then it becomes, and then it gets called back when we're talking about— That's the joy of it. And people know instinctively, as you know from doing theater so much of your life, there's something about audiences where they know the truth.

I always think that about making mistakes in the theater, about people worrying about forgetting lines. There's no better atmosphere, or there's no more attentive atmosphere than when you think somebody has made a mistake. The whole audience is like, "Oh my God, something is happening here, blah, blah, blah, blah." And the actor's fear is that, "Oh my God, everybody's going to think I'm—" terrible person. But actually, what I think the audiences feel is it reminds them that they've remembered all the other lines.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's really it. Do you know what I'm saying? Wait a minute. Their hit rate is pretty good. Yeah.

You know what I mean? So you go, "Oh, God, this is sort of live, so it's kind of all right." And once you get over that idea of making a mistake, if, you know, like, otherwise, like, you know, the weird stuff that happens makes it, you know, makes the day the day. You know what I mean? Yeah. I always think it's weird as well. Do you, like, in comedy, do you feel like you guys dissect the audience as much as we do in the theater? Oh, used to. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I would be— and we'll get to this because we'll be talking about this a little later in the interview, but it's like the way a meteorologist dissects a weather system.

I used to, you know, "Tonight, tonight you felt pretty good." Now, I felt like they were—

And then you get to be like someone who studied wine all their life, and you've just sipped some wine. Instead of being like, "Oh my God, Oh my God, I love— this is a great— I'm here in Tuscany. I just had a great sip of Pinot Noir.

Instead, you're like, "Eh, eh." The audience, when I first came out, they were, "Ah, yeah, no." You know what's amazing? There's enthusiasm, but it's kind of a froth. It's not— now, then, I would say on the upper right hand of that, I couldn't get them. There was sort of a tentativeness, but then I felt like they were a little judgmental.

And you were like, "Shut up. Shut up.

Do the thing." Just do the thing. It's like when you go and see somebody in a play, It's a lesson I learned really, really young. When I was really young, I started at the Abbey Theater when I was about 19 or 20. And exactly that, someone would come to see the play and they were like, "Oh my God, I loved it." And I was like, "Oh, we're just going to get this laugh that we got last night." You know, the thing, you know, "I wish you'd been in last night, but the audience was incredible and this brilliant actor." I said, "Don't do that. Don't do that because they don't notice." I understand. It's not that it didn't happen. It probably was a greater show last night. But like, who cares? And when you're in the audience and you're laughing at something, You're not thinking, "God, I wish that person on the balcony was laughing as much as me." You don't really care. You're not even aware of this.

The biggest mistake of thousands and thousands and thousands of interviews in front of audiences that I've done was a guest would come out and they would start, you know, talking and saying some of their stories. And then they would say, "Ugh, I'm sorry. This is boring. I'm sorry." And you could feel the audience leave. You know, always thinking to myself, that's such a rookie mistake. Don't tell them they're getting a bad show. And also, in terms of etiquette, after someone's seen you do a show, they don't want to hear you go, "I know, I just felt like today—" No!

They saw you do what you had today. Yeah, totally. And sometimes they love it. They're just not demonstrative.

I mean, we have this culture now of everybody—

Everybody standing up?

Everybody stands for— It's too much.

Sorry. Sorry to be— No, no, no stands up. Standing ovations. Standing ovations. Oh, fuck!

You can't— You cannot go to anything without being standing. It was the terrible, worst thing you've ever seen. Everybody's standing.

And also, you go to any daytime and also late-night show, and everybody stands up for everything.

Like, you're going to watch a cooking segment at one of the afternoons, and everyone stands. And I think, "Huh." Well, you know, it used to be that an actor could be in the theater where a performer could perform most of their life and get one standing ovation. And boy, did that mean something. Yeah, it meant something. Yeah. Because it's a thing.

Because it's completely without meaning when you're on the stage, though. I say this, and then you're like, who's that fucker in the fucking fourth row that's not standing?

Because when everyone's standing and one person isn't— Yeah, exactly. You're like— But I sort of admire it.

I sort of admire it because It doesn't mean they hated it.

No.

It just means that they just didn't want to stand up. Or they're just tired.

Yeah, they're tired. They're tired. They're drunk. Yeah. Arthritic. I have got so used to standing ovations, I'm sorry, I just have, that when someone's not standing, sometimes I berate them. Yeah, that sounds right. And they're like, "Sir, I have no legs!" Well, that's awkward. Well. Well, you could still lift him, someone! He could have asked to be lifted. You could have come with a lifter. Exactly. If you enjoyed it, but you didn't care enough to hire someone. So messed up.

It is true though. I know.

It's so messed up. So you're struggling all these things when you're a kid because I'm always interested in this part because it's fascinating to me. I do think that turbulence and anxiety and some level of Some of that stuff just has to be part of the stew, whether you like it or not growing up.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's definitely— I don't think you kind of really have the other stuff with the other stuff. Yeah. You know, you gotta be— it's not, you know, it's— I suppose the sensitivity is the word. Like, you gotta be— you can't have one without the other. So I suppose I'm pretty, what is it, thin-skinned. I do think Irish people are pretty sensitive as well. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? I think so. Soft-hearted. I think it's in the culture. Which I think it allows the people to be so brutal because you know what it is.

It's both.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the— it's always all the things are both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I always think it's— I mean, speaking for myself, I'm incredibly thin-skinned, and then I can be a Viking. I have both in me. Yeah. But— and it's hard to reconcile them both, but that's what it is.

It's exactly what it is. And it's sort of, it's like what you were saying about, I think there's something when you become well-known and it's interesting that you say by talking to people on the street, which is still incredibly important to me. And that's one of the things that I think would frighten me is not having that access to just talking to people every day. I think it just seems like an awful thing to just be so sort of successful or so recognizable that you have to be in this sort of prison the whole time. So not to be able to get out and go have a laugh with people. And that's why I sort of hate, it's funny that you were saying that as well about when people say, oh, this is boring. Like when you talk people and they say, "Oh, I don't have as interesting a job as you." You think, "I bet you do." And then, you know, maybe not as interesting a job, so to speak, but people always have a story that they kind of want to tell. And so being able to have the access to those people and for them to feel like, "So what do you do?" And then people tell you incredible things.

And that's the stuff that I love. And I don't know if that's about being Irish or whether that's just being interested in people or whatever, but, um, or if it's to do with being artistic. I don't know what it is, but you know, that, that, that's the— that I think is the, the thing that you want to— I would be very, very lost without being—

that's why, I mean, you've, you've had all this success, movies and television, and I read that you make a real point of doing theater regularly. You love— I mean, this is something we have in common. I love being in a theater.

I also love sort of nothing in an old theater, if you know what I'm saying. There's this extraordinary moment. I went to see the amazing Mark Rylance in Jerusalem. And there's this extraordinary theatrical sort of trick he did. I'm trying to think if there's something here too. So he had a fight for it. Yeah. Someone had a cigarette lighter and he was playing a giant. It was about giants. It was sort of all about folklore in the English countryside. And, and somebody had a lighter and he was telling the story about a giant talking to a child. And to make this sort of theatrical sort of gesture, he put this cigarette lighter down on the ground, like here. Yeah. Put it down here, like on the ground. And he sort of stood it up. He spoke down to this—

A cigarette lighter. The cigarette lighter.

And so you immediately, it was at the Royal Court Theater, you immediately had this sense of scale Yeah, that's just— that's got nothing to do with CGI or, you know, so much.

Um, thank you for using— I'll never wash this pen cap again. And he's a real pen washer, so I know you love to wash the pens. He has. He is. Every time I see him, he's scrubbing away. Um, but, uh, but yeah, that—

it's just that sort of stuff, and the audience go No, it's amazing how when you see someone come up with something like that in a moment and you realize it's all— the tools change, but the task doesn't. Exactly. Oh, fuck.

That's a great thing to say. But you know what?

You've got— now we have AI and CGI and supercomputers, and you can create all these effects and you can put it in the round. You can do all these things, but basically you're getting the same effect as Mark Rylands putting a pen cap on the floor or a a lighter, and standing there in that moment, you can delight the human brain with the old ways as well as with the new.

It's exactly true because the audience are going— that's what I find so moving. I never don't find it moving, which I think is why I love the theater, is that adults are going into a theater willfully and people are turning off the lights and somebody is telling them a sort of lie that they know is a lie, a story. And they're saying, "Tell me a story." So The liveness, the mistakes, and the humanity of it is the thing that really, really delights the audience. And of course, visual effects, I mean, all that stuff is amazing too, but it separates the audience a little bit from the performer. Whereas if someone said, "I could do that with a pen if I just had access to my imagination." So actually, it bonds the performer and the audience member. Whereas if you've got too much stuff, they think, "Oh, well, that's not real." That's not something that has anything to do with me. That's just something that I can be impressed by, but not necessarily connected to. I don't know. So, the grand scheme of a big theater juxtaposed with just a one tiny human performer is sort of beautiful to me as well.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You will keep getting these opportunities to do movies and all kinds of projects you want, but I love that you're saying, "Yeah, this is what I need. I need this. I need to be in these little rooms." live productions because that's just, it's like touching home base. You just gotta touch it.

That's exactly what it is. And when we did Vanya, you know, one of the beautiful things about that was because that's, you know, Chekhov and very serious high art. And Chekhov is so funny, like genuinely so funny. And it's a kind of a ridiculous idea that you, and it started as a mistake. It was this, we thought there's 8 characters in the show and I was reading with the director and the, the writer, and we sort of allocated the parts and we were just reading because I was just going to play one part and we were like, "Oh, which part might it be?" And we were sort of playing, the three of us were playing all the roles and we sort of misallocated the roles. So I ended up sort of going, "Wait, are you?" And I was like, "Okay, I'll just act just to hear it. I'll just act with myself." And it was so weird because it was the two characters in the play that proclaimed that they were the most opposite to each other. And so it seemed completely absurd that they were, this person was, anyway, that was kind of interesting.

And we were like, oh, maybe we could do it with 2 people. And then maybe actually, why don't you try it with 1 person? Anyway, the whole thing sort of, I was a bit reluctant because I thought, does that just seem like, let me do it, sort of. You know what I mean?

I think the exact quote, the exact quote, because I talked to someone who was there, was, I got this. Yes. That's, I know, that's what I said. I remember you tried to dismiss us all today and do this alone. I, yes, I did. I did try to, and I still think I could I'm learning about the electronics. Electronics. Electronics. I know you have your electronic systems.

The electronics over there.

Oh, I think that's proof I know what I'm talking about. Yeah, but—

But yeah, like all that stuff. So, you know, to do that anyway, so why am I telling you this?

No, because you're talking about how it all expanded to you playing all these roles.

Yeah. So then you do all those things. So anyway, I did all the ended up playing all the parts. And like, how do you do it? How do you make the audience feel, number one, that they understand it, but also how do you teach an audience about— We had this really fun moment at the beginning because I really wanted the audience to sort of not feel like, "Okay, we're watching Chekhov." Like, what do we need to— Because people are like, "What do I need to know? I mean, I don't know.

Is it Russian?" "Am I worthy of this?" Yeah.

What's the thing? So we did this thing where I came out and the audience were like, "What the fuck is this going to be like? He's going to play all the parts." So we did this sort of thing It was such a good thing to do where I sort of turned off the house. I came out and I turned off the house. That's a little trick. Yeah. We turn off the house lights. So they go, okay, we're all in darkness now. And then I just turned them back on again.

Just turn them back on again.

And I looked at them and they were like, oh geez.

I was like, I can see you. You can see me.

This is a bit weird. And they're already laughing before they know.

You've told them, let's—

Shh, don't worry. Don't worry. It's crazy.

We're going to have fun. Yeah, it's fun.

And I can see you. You can see me. And I love it. Of fucking that up alongside something that's just like a great masterpiece.

Here's what would fascinate me is if you're playing that many roles and you go up on a line, can you ask one of your other selves, I'm going to apologize, can I apologize?

Or do you ever say, I can't work with this guy? I say that a lot. Yeah.

Do you know what's so one of the great— it was Actually, nearly the best thing about it is if you do go up on a line, it was bliss. You could just make it all up. You could just, you just go, okay, I fucked that bit up. Okay, well, I'm just going to keep talking because nobody, I'm not, I'm not, I haven't messed anybody up. And then I'll ask a question that isn't in the script and I'll make that person answer it and we'll just go back to that person.

It's kind of amazing. It's kind of great. It was great. That's right. You don't have other actors around you going, what? Yeah, exactly. What are we doing? Yeah.

What's the big deal? Yeah, yeah.

I want to talk about this, again, interesting process now where you've made a movie, and I was told I could access this movie. I could watch it yesterday, and they said it's this whole system now. It used to be they just give you a DVD or something or screener, and they said, here's this system and this code, and then you're going to get this number, and you're calling different people because I don't know much about electronics. Electronics. And— But I know nothing about the movie. Yeah, right. Yeah. I just know it's called Pressure. Yeah. And I will watch you read the dictionary. So it's like, "Andrew Scott, Pressure, I'm in." So, finally, the movie starts. I don't know anything about it. And I realize, "Oh, it's about World War II, and it's about the buildup to D-Day." And then I realize your character's on screen, and he's being called to do this very important job. And I realized, "Wait a minute," 'cause I'm a history buff, "I think I know about this." Oh my gosh. I knew about it, which is the Allies are going to launch the D-Day invasion to try and save Europe.

They've got the largest armada in the history of civilization. Wait, are you just saying you know about D-Day?

Yes, I think most people do. I do. And that's the end of the interview. I know two things: electronics and D-Day. No, but I know that—

What I was aware of was that, what's the thing that's perilous that they really need to know? Which is invasions over water are almost impossible. They usually fail. They only work when the conditions are right. But it's 1944. You know, meteorology is still kind of in its infancy. They need to know the weather's gonna be okay. And Churchill says, "There's this one guy who I think is a genius who could do it." And they bring Captain James Stagg in. And I'm like, "I actually know this story." Not as— I didn't know enough about it. I kind of knew about it. And that's what this movie's about, which is a great story to tell.

It's really a great story to tell. It's a really interesting story. It sounds kind of weird. It's a movie about the weather. Yeah.

Coming soon to a theater near you. Guys talking about the weather in a room. Well, I'm trying to sell it. Sell, baby, sell! But yeah, it is a quite weird thing.

But the weather comes into our lives. Like, it's sort of— it's all— people think, oh, it's a— what a preposterous thing to, you know, have a movie about. Yeah, yeah. Because it's sort of like a movie about the weather. But it's also kind of preposterous to sort of not have a movie about the weather. Do you know what I mean? Like, because it influences influences every day, you know, like what we're, you know, what we wear, where we go, where we're gonna have our kid's birthday party, where are we gonna go on our holidays, like what our mood, like it's, it's, it's, it's, it's something that it's sort of, it sort of changed my attitude towards the weather about how, of course they would be thinking, okay, well, if we have to, if we have to land on the, on the beaches in Normandy, we need to know that these, um, kids are not gonna be drowned immediately. The conditions are gonna be there. Are they gonna be able to land safely? So they need somebody to say, This is what it's going to be like. Don't go on that day because then you'll surprise them.

Or that will be a good day to go. They'll see it coming, blah, blah, blah. So they had this very particular day that they wanted to do it. And this guy, a very, very resolute kind of man, stood up. He was a real hero. And he was like, "No, no, you're not going on that day." And they were like, "We are going on that day." Well, that's the thing that the movie gets really, I think, right.

The enormous pressure. Yeah, the huge pressure. Meaning, this isn't just, "Should we do the podcast today or should we move it to tomorrow?" Yeah.

Uh, it's close to that.

Second, the pressure is similar.

Yeah, you don't— you have— Andrew, you have no idea what I deal with day in and day out. I am Eisenhower.

Oh my God. Oh Jesus. And I made the decision today, let's proceed with Andrew Scott and the 40-minute chat. And that took balls. And go! And failed.

Bodies everywhere. Um, no, but, uh, It's this huge decision, and it really does come down to the entire unified Allied command looking at this one guy and saying, "Well, we need to go, and we need to go now, and it's all set, and just all we need is you're okay." And he says, "Can't give it to you." Yeah, "I won't give it to you.

I can't, and I won't." And so, he was this extraordinary— He's not a particularly affable person, and I love those kind of cinematic characters that aren't necessarily nice, but are good.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

No, he's a very good man and he's doing the right thing, but he is not a people pleaser. No, he's not. And I'm fascinated because I just spend so much of my life trying to make sure everyone in the room is okay.

It was okay.

And so I'm fascinated by people who just don't give a shit.

Yeah, just don't. He's here. What are you doing? No pleasantries. Stop that. No pleasantries. People go to shake your hand.

There's not time for that.

I mean, it's great. I think because I'm a little bit similar to you as well, I think that's, again, part of the Irish We're both great actors.

I didn't catch that. He was— have you seen my Vanya? Did you see Anders Scott just said we're very similar? Hello? Is this— what's wrong with this? They've turned it off. Yeah, you got a lying down ovation. People try to actually find lower ground when I finish a play. They went to Death Valley. Is there a basement here? I hear drilling often when I— But no, but I— Yeah.

What I loved about it was it's historically— It's a true story. It really happened. It's something no one's going to talk about. And people know the one D-Day story, which I understand you were a very small part of, Saving Private Ryan. Tiny little part of Saving Private Ryan. Wasn't that one of your early things?

Yeah, they shot that in the south of Ireland on Kirkcaldy Beach, yeah. So basically just nothing.

Tom Hanks rolled over me and I'm like, "Mister, please stop!" What was your line? My line was, "Nobody's where they're supposed to be!" Oh yes, I know that movie very well. I know that line. Oh yeah, that's crazy. That's you. Nobody's where they're supposed to be, but your head gets blown off.

I don't think people cared enough to know if my head got blown off. I would just always say I was the guy in green.

Right. Oh my God. But your character, you did manage to shout.

And it actually made it into Saving Private Ryan.

The weather is key. More on that later. You'll see. You'll all be sorry. You'll see. You'll see. You'll see. Hanks comes back, and he shoots you. And you're an American. No, it's—

I was thrilled. It was like, I knew nothing. Yeah, it's an interesting story.

And then I was like, oh, this is great. This is really great. Yeah. And a terrific cast also. Yeah, really good.

Yeah. Brendan Fraser and Chris Messina and Kerry Conlon, Damian Lewis.

Great people. Yeah. Damian Lewis says he's Henry VIII, I believe. He's Henry VIII. He's Henry VIII in Wolf Hall.

Wolf Hall. Yeah.

He's so good in that because he's genial. Oh, yeah.

Same thing we were talking about.

He's genial, but he'll cut your head off. Yeah. And smile.

Yeah. It's like all those characters. I always think that's what you want as an actor, is you want whatever you're presenting to be the opposite of what you're feeling sometimes. You know what I mean? They're the ones that, you know, whether it's somebody who's cold-hearted and is incredibly benign, or the opposite.

Do you have people expect you to kind of walk into a room sometimes and be a little bit more sinister?

Because you're so happy. Yeah, for sure. For sure.

For sure. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. I don't mind that.

Yeah. No! I know, but I do think that's true. Your waiter comes right away. My waiters don't. They're like, Like, that idiot can— he can—

um, well, this has been, uh, an absolute thrill for me, uh, and like I say, if you bump into Phoebe Waller-Bridge anytime soon, please tell her.

Of course, my pleasure.

My, my list is almost down to no one at this point, but she's on it.

Okay.

But up to today, it was the two of you. Oh, wow. Uh, and, um, so this is a bucket list moment for me. I hope you'll come back anytime. Um, I'd love to come back. Yeah, just— and, and trust me, I am going to get you my clip from— not from Ross Naroon. Maybe we can find it.

You found it? Oh my God, here we go! That's a— this is just a photo. Well, that's just a photo. We'll dial up the YouTube here. That's how they dressed me. That's what happens when a hero returns to his country. You came in off the the street with that. Incredible. We have the clip if you want to put on your headphones. Yeah, I'm going to put on my headphones. You'll be able to listen to it. He thought he was an actor until he saw this. Always learning. All right, here we go. Here we go. Lots of balloons, small doorway. Oh, dear. Oh my God, balloons! Mondo lecche bricchino. Are the gingerbreads— That is incredible. Wait, is there an Irish word for balloon? No, no, they just told me to say balloon, but, uh—

They also, they just went out of their way, and God bless them, because no one deserves it more than I do, but—

There was no way to be cool in that scene. No. With that hat too. The hat.

The house of balloons.

And yeah, I remember saying, "What if Colin Farrell showed up?" She'd be like, "Well, we'd make him the love interest. We're not giving him some feckin' balloons." You know, but yeah, I was, uh— How was his Irish?

Huh? How was it? Absolutely beautiful.

Yeah, well, there you go. All the best, as we say in Ireland. Hey, standing ovation. It's not here. Mom! Andrew, I can't thank you enough. Just a joy to be with you today.

Joy to be with you guys too. Thank you so much for having me.

Take care. Oh my gosh.

Hey, let's start a segment. I thought that I knew everything about you, Conan. Mm-hmm. I discovered back in December that there's a way to distract you from anything. Is that true? It's true.

This is— you're being real now?

I'm being real. This is real. This is the real me. Okay. Um, and that is to put you in front of a TV and turn on the Hallmark Channel.

Oh wait, where were we when this happened?

In New York. That's right. It was December, so it was like the Christmas famous Hallmark movies.

I have to say, I am powerless around a Hallmark movie. I don't know what it is, but I start watching them, and then I love to call out what people are going to say. Yeah. And I'm right a bunch of the time.

You got it like 90% of the time.

I call out lines like, "Now get back here, young man!" And then the person will say, "Now get back here, young man!" And it's thrilling. I mean, it's the same high that a gambler in Vegas would get on— Really? Yes. I get very excited.

And we were going somewhere, like there was a car picking us up, but we We couldn't leave until we found out if this woman quit her job as a lawyer to go, uh, build ice sculptures. Yes.

Well, first of all, we didn't wait to find out what was going to happen. That's true.

We knew what was going to happen. The uptight lawyer is going to realize that the most exciting thing in her life is making ice sculptures with this guy, uh, at Christmas time in their little Christmas village. Oh.

And, um, I knew that was going to happen, but I had I have to see it happen. It's one of those things where you know, I have to see that happen.

And I love how there's no jeopardy.

Her mom runs the law firm. I love how this is coming back to me instantly. Oh my God. I'm not kidding. Like, I didn't know you were going to bring this up.

Her mom runs the law firm, and she's dreading telling her mother. Her mother keeps saying, of course, and you're going to take over the law firm because that's what— and then she's loving making this ice sculpture with this guy, which I think is a loser thing to do.

And anyway, I'm sorry, you just burned a lot of ice sculpture.

This isn't like Timothée Chalamet with the ballet. Oh, I went very specific with ice sculpture. And if you've got a problem with that, ice sculpture people, you're doubling down.

Yeah, I said ice sculpturists, by the way. That was really embarrassing. Can we edit that?

No, no, I want it. I want it. Ice sculptures. Ice sculptures. Anyway, she has to go to her mom and you think, oh, this is going to be the real tension in the show.

She goes to her mom and says, "I just want to make ice sculpture.

I don't really—" And she said— this is the line I called out—

she said, "But it was always your dream to be a lawyer." And I shouted out, "No, Mom, it was your dream." And she went, "No, Mom, it was your dream." And I—

it was an erotic high for me. Oh! I swear to God. I had to go and shower myself off after that. Oh, God. And David was in the room with you? David was in the room, and he saw me go, "Ugh, ugh." Ew!

Conan!

I tried to call HR, but it was just— Awful! Hallmark!

We are the only ones The only person who does that. And it was exactly this.

It was, um, she said, but that was always your dream, honey.

And I shouted, no, Mom, it was your dream. And she said, no, Mom, it was your dream. Uh, scrub, scrub, scrub. Um, and then we were off to our obligation. But I needed to see that happen. Yeah.

Um, that, and you've texted Sona and I before. I can't remember what movie it was, but you were like, I saw a commercial for a movie on Lifetime. I need the Lifetime Oh yeah.

Do you remember those?

Yeah, yeah, I do remember that.

Oh, I needed my fix. So I'm just, I find it to be endlessly fascinating.

I really enjoy it. It calms me down. It, it, I just, I'm so happy.

They have a formula and it's clearly working.

Oh, it's a very formula. The formula is so precise and they never vary from it. Someone's uptight. Someone's in touch with themselves, uptight person. They don't get along.

I mean, whatever. We've seen it a million times.

Yeah, yeah. And they always live in Christmas Town, USA. I know.

It's a little too G-rated for me. I've evolved. Now, what about this?

What if they could make— and this is something, we have a production company, maybe we could get into this. Yeah. A Hallmark show that has all of those, hits all of those points, and is very much like that, but the sex is really down and dirty.

I mean, you see everything. A slam it, a slam it, a slam it, a thwab it, a thwab it. Wabada. You see it all.

So it's like, I didn't know you like making ice sculptures. I do make like ice sculptures. You seem kind of uptight before. Well, I'm not uptight now.

Wabada, wabada, wabada. Wabada, wabada, wabada. Shumba, shumba, shumba.

Yeah. And it's all like double entendre titles, like Christmas came early. And then her name. Jesus Christ, Sona.

She was ready to go.

She had that right away.

It was in there. It was already in there.

But wait a minute. I do think these would do well. Ball marks. Like jingle marks. Ball marks.

Ball mark. Ball mark? What? Like balls?

Yeah, like, yeah, ball. You get bald. Ball mark. Ball?

No, no, no, please, Blades.

Can I tell you something? This is really Sona's area. This is not something you jumped in. I'm sorry. Literally, you were just watching— you were just watching Venus Williams play tennis and you jumped in with a racket. I am honored.

Sona does this. You— sometimes it's not so— like, instead of ball mark, I a bone mark, but it's not that good. No, no, no. But you get the point.

No, the thing is, but what about this idea?

Be serious for a second. An idea where you—

it is very G-rated, very— it's the same thing. The people are all— and then, but when it comes to the moment where they start to kiss and you just cut to a curtain blowing, you, the— you cut to the curtain blowing, but then you pan back and they are both naked. And I mean, it's, it's just a hot pound sesh. It just pans over, pound sesh, stops, and then pans back All clothes gone, oiled up, shamada bamada lamada hamada. Yeah. And it just goes on for like 15, 20 minutes. Oh my God. Yeah. And then they're back to, well, I think, you know, we got a new someone helping us out at the Cuckoo Clock store. I thought you were an uptight corporate lawyer. I was, but man, we just went at it. And then you pan to the curtain or you pan to the cuckoo clock, but then you pan back and everyone in the store is doing it. Oh my God. Yeah. 19 people. Yeah. The guy that runs the cuckoo clock store, the people buying cuckoo clocks, the guys that make them, they're all naked. Bangin' a hangin' a wangin' a bangin' a.

What channel will this go?

Oh, it'll go on any channel that wants to make money. Any channel would want this. It's like pay-per-view. Netflix would take this, wouldn't they?

No, Netflix, I don't think.

Oh, they don't do porn?

It's like straight up pornography.

Yeah. What do you mean? Blazeberry. I would say Netflix would definitely do this. Are we talking softcore? God damn it, what's happened to America?

You want it to be like full penetration?

Hey, don't be gross. No, it's a valid question. I'm an artist. I'm not some animal. What? No, I mean, I want it to be very, very, you know—

Like you just want butts? No.

What are you talking about?

It gets into a gray area when we start showing things.

Yes. Well, that's what I'm saying. Well, Isona and I were just wondering because that's kind of— Well, they could be covered up with— things could be covered up with Christmas snow. What I'm saying is I want to see No, seriously, I want people going at it hardcore and then, oh look, some icicles formed near where the penis would be, or there's some snow, or oh, a reindeer wandered in and it's feeding off some acorns right near their crotches. This is a show. This is a format. This is a lot of money. Get on it. Get on it. This is our idea. Don't try and steal it. Peace out, Tupac. Oh, gorgeous.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avcessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our associate Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get 3 free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.