Transcript of OBGYN Baaaaby

Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/callconan. Okay, let's get started.

Hey, Jessica, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

Hi, guys. Thanks for having me.

Hey, Jessica, how are you?

Oh, this is a dream come true. I'm having a great time.

Okay, well, you're masking it very well. I just finished office hours. I was like, I took a propranolol too, so I'm like beta blocker up. You know, great. I love my callers to be drugged up. That's, that's the best way.

Listen, uh, I'm a doctor. I can get these prescriptions easily.

Uh, Jessica, where are you right now?

I am in New Jersey, like Jersey Shore, Monmouth County.

Okay, very— and, uh, you are— it says here you're an OB-GYN. Is that correct?

That's right. That's right, baby.

Very good. Is that how you always respond when people say, are you an OB-GYN?

Yes.

Yes, baby.

They're in stirrups and I'm like, hey baby. It doesn't go over well every time, but—

Wow. Okay.

I'm a very specific type of doctor. I get a very specific type of patients.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is— there's so much to talk about here. First of all, have we met before? Because someone said you came to a taping or two back in the day.

I mean, yeah, when I was in high school, I lived in Jersey. We would pop into the city. So I went to a lot of your tapings.

Oh, wow. Cool.

And yeah, I mean, obsessed. And then my mom has a ticket stub from one time we went to see you in 1999. Oh, cool.

Wow. Cool.

Oh my god.

And we had met Fabio at that taping. Oh my gosh.

Yeah. I should point out, Fabio was an intern at the time for our show.

Yes. And so we took this picture. It was before smartphones, so it was one of those throwaway cameras. And then after my mom took the picture with him, he grabbed my mom, dipped her backwards, kissed her on the mouth in front of my dad, and then like walked away. And then a month later, he got hit in the face with the goose on the roller coaster. Do you remember his face exploded on a roller coaster?

That's such an incredible— what an incredible That sentence. Let's think about that sentence. He dipped my mom backwards, kissed her on the mouth in front of my dad, and a month later got hit on a roller coaster by a goose. What an amazing, you know, incredible piece of writing that is. A series of images cascading into each other.

At the Lampoon, you wish, you wish.

I know. Oh, never. I never could have thought of anything like that in my glory days. Uh, so Uh, okay, well, there's a lot to— as my wife would say, there's a lot to unpack there. So Fabio was kissing women. I hope that's been discouraged on Fabio now. I would have carried a spray bottle around Fabio and sprayed him like a bad cat.

You would— you spray him with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Okay, remember that was his big campaign, right?

That's right, he was the shill for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Uh, I would have tongued it.

You would have tongued Fabio?

My mom, for days in would have. She was like, let's go, we're gonna go full throttle.

Sona would have bent him over backwards. Sona probably—

put your hands through his hair.

Sona's twice as strong as Fabio. Um, wow, okay, so that's so nice. I'm glad you came to the shows and I hope you had a good time. Was your dad traumatized by seeing your mom, um, attacked by Fabio?

My dad's from Brooklyn, so he wasn't having it. And I think my dad has some sort of superpowers where he put some sort of hex, like, on Fabio, and that's why he got hit by a goose in the face like a month later.

Have you— this is a pretty famous piece of tape. I guess he was on a roller coaster and his nose is bleeding and everything. And yeah, there he is bleeding. There it is. And it was apparently a Brooklyn goose. The goose was paid by your dad.

And look how pristine his face was here. Pristine. Pristine.

Yeah, pristine. Never again. Never again. He— So, I want to talk to you about your profession. You are— First of all, it's an incredible, incredible job to have. You're around so many births, and you're bringing new life into the world. Tell us about that. Does it— Do you get jaded, or do you still see the miracle every time?

I think the day I'm like, oh, this is not amazing is the day I should just hang it up. Every time I do an ultrasound and I see a heartbeat for the first time for a patient, I'm amazed. Every time a baby takes its first breath and cries, I'm like, this is so amazing. Shout out to Gorli, who I know is on his paternity leave.

He's on paternity leave.

Congratulations to him.

He's on paternity leave. He's got two children now and we're all excited for him. And Son of course has experienced this miracle herself with twins.

Yes. Yeah.

But you got over it real fast.

I was just like, let's get on with it. Let's do this. Get them out. Let's go. We got to hit the clubs.

She took her newborns to the clubs. Yeah.

Well, I only have one daughter. I was one and done. And I feel like it's because I do so much with my patients. I really live through their pregnancies with them. And it's a beautiful thing. I wish it happened during normal business hours. Um, I think it's kind of a bummer that they like to come in the middle of the night, the babies. It's pretty rude.

Is it true that you, uh, you've been accused of trying to induce between 9 and 5? Oh, none of your babies are born on any kind of bank holiday. They're not born.

Everyone's like, oh, you have to go play golf or something. I'm like, I don't play golf. Like, what year is this? Yeah, but yeah, so I wish it happened during normal business hours. It doesn't. But I picked this when I was in my 20s. Now I'm in my 40s. I'm feeling a little old, a little schleppy, but it's okay. I still love it.

Uh, so I'm curious. There's so many things to— what are the things that you do immediately after the birth? What are the, uh, what hap— the baby's born. Um, and I have been through this twice with my kids. Uh, I was there, very present, very present for both. Uh, why do you emphasize that?

You saw things?

I saw, I saw so many things. Uh, And then it's so funny how you can kind of forget. I don't know what— you can kind of almost black out afterwards. And so I'm trying to remember what happens. I mean, yes, there's the cutting of the umbilical cord.

The dads black out a lot. They literally pass out a lot.

I didn't pass out.

Thank you. Thank you so much for that. Because the dads are always falling down, and we're always like, we don't have time for you right now.

Little bitches.

Like, pick your— right? Yeah, smelling salts, like, come on. Uh, but the cutting of the cord, yes, the dads like to do that. I'm not sure how that became a thing, but if that makes them feel included, I'm all for it.

Um, I didn't ask to cut the cord, but the doctor said, now you cut the cord, and handed me the scissors. And I thought, well, am I getting paid here? You know what I mean?

Oh my God, I'm serious.

When I have a plumber over and he hands me the wrench, I'm like, okay, I wanna— am I getting a— am I getting a third? So that was my complaint.

I think you should have been compensated.

And I was— I worry about unions. I don't want it to be a union violation.

Right.

Right. Okay.

Yeah. So that was my concern.

I always tell the dads, it's thicker than you think. It's like cutting chicken because they kind of like take like little bites out of it. But you got to really go for the gusto. It's thicker than you think. Yeah. But the baby goes right on mommy's abdomen. We do delayed cord clamping, get some blood flow back into baby. We want to do that skin to skin for that first hour. A lot of bonding. Our hospital is really about mom and baby bonding and But yeah, we get them to stimulate and cry and give us that good first really great cry.

How do you get them to cry? Do you just tell them sad stuff? What do you do?

Yes, actually, I tell them— No.

A shocking number of Americans can't read.

Babies like, "What?" I hold them up and spank them on the butt, but we don't do that anymore.

40% of government buildings have asbestos.

Wah!

Wah! So I just sometimes like it's a little foot, like underneath its foot. You go like this.

Yeah.

And it pisses them off.

Sure.

Pisses me off just hearing about it.

I know. It's all about pissing the babies off, getting them that good cry. But we have such a great team at our hospital. Our nurses are so great bedside. So I'm very lucky and I do really love my job.

What kinds of things could you teach me? You're very— hyperaware of the female body. And there are probably things, believe it or not, that even I wouldn't be aware of. What? You know what I mean? And maybe this is a good thing. This is a good chance for me to know some things, if you can impart to me any wisdom.

Well, I think knowing anatomy is really important. Erogenous zones. What are those things that could—

Right.

Well, man, we got to really start from the beginning.

Yeah.

Just I think a big thing that sometimes men don't know is that women have more than 2 holes. They have 3 holes. So that's always interesting.

Wait, what are we talking about here? What are you talking about? Wait, what? Right. So no, be more specific because I honestly— suddenly it's a bowling ball. What?

Yes.

You urinate through one hole. What's that?

Huh? What's that?

Urinate.

Urinate. Yeah.

Pee-pees.

Pee-pees.

Yeah. Yeah. Pee-pees. Poo-poos.

Yes, of course.

Right. And then baby come out of the vagina. Yeah. So that's 3.

He's scared of the word vagina, but it's the urethra.

Oh, really? Urethra.

The anus.

Anus. Right. So now we're going to use our doctor words. Yeah, I said pee pee and poo poo.

So tell me about your medical school.

Right. How did that even happen?

So sure, you went to poo poo poo poo you. So Okay, so the erogenous zones, you could help any man know about the erogenous zones.

Yeah. Where the clitoris is. I feel like that's really—

like there's a clitoris.

Listen, there's a book you should read.

As far as I'm concerned, that's Sasquatch. You hear a lot of talk, but I've seen no evidence. Here's a blurry photo of a clitoris. Yeah, I've seen that photo. Look, Sasquatch, if you're going to be talking bullshit on this thing, I am a clitoris denier.

Oh no, we have enough misinformation online.

We can't—

we have flat earthers, now we have clitoris deniers.

I love a guy having— he's got a blurry photo from 1938 of a clitoris running between two trees. See it right there? Yeah, I don't know. No, this was taken by a Scottish hiker. Uh, wow. Okay, well, um, yeah, a clitoris tonight.

Wow.

I could teach you how to do a circumcision.

Oh, okay. Hey, how do you do those? I'm curious. I mean, how do you— how does one— what's the tool that's used for circumcision?

I've been to—

I have been to many brises. And I have many, many Jewish friends, and I've been to brises, but you can't really see what's going on. And I've tried to fight for a good look, and they say that's inappropriate. I've been shoved by rabbis because it's weird when a guy is saying, hey, I want to see that kid's dick. People get freaked out, you know?

Yeah.

Hey, let me in there. Oh my God, I got to see that kid's dick. People get freaked out. I don't know why. So, and I know that now. I can see why that's an issue. Oh my God. But what is the tool that's used?

So different people use different tools. I like to use something called a Mohgan. So it looks like a cigar cutter and you just pull up the foreskin and you go across and then you clamp it down and then you lop it off with a scalpel.

And does the kid cry a lot after that?

So no, we actually do, uh, dorsal nerve blocks. So injecting lidocaine, they get a sugar pacifier, we play music. It's like a spa experience.

So it's not traumatic for the kid?

I mean, it might be. They can't tell me, but we try not to make it.

Hey, how convenient for you.

Honestly, they're the best patients.

Yeah, the, um, that's interesting. So you do the old chop on the, uh, on the foreskin, then we have the calamari piece.

Yes, you love that.

That's your It's my favorite joke to do at brises is to say, hey man, that calamari was really good because they always have a meal afterwards. They always serve food at a bris and I say, I love the calamari. And then the person goes, we don't have calamari. And I go, oh, now that joke works because he ate the foreskin thinking it was calamari.

Right. Do you get it? Yeah, yeah, I got it. Okay.

I'm glad you love that joke.

It's not my favorite thing to do though. I don't love to do circumcisions.

You know, who would? If anyone said that's my favorite thing to do, that's a red flag right there. You know what I mean?

Yeah, and I try to avoid penises doing what I do, and then they're like, oh, you have to do surgery on the smallest penis possible, you know? So that's a little weird.

I don't remember booking an appointment with you. Home run! Home run!

Well, for you, just did— just a deep well. You are so happy.

Let's do chart on this conversation. I'm the guy with the smallest penis in the world who insists on checking out a kid's dick at a bris and doesn't believe there's a clitoris.

Right. That's going to go on your tombstone.

Yeah. Yay!

This is—

I lay out comedically. No one lays out more awful information about themselves than I do. I don't know why that delights me. But I will say, on the serious side, what an incredible job to have. Because I do think in the modern world, we get removed from birth and death. We've anesthetized ourselves to it. And so it's amazing to just be around so much new life would be, I think, very affirming, right? It'd be pretty amazing.

And it just keeps going. During COVID we— We're delivering babies nonstop. That does not stop. So even though we felt like the world was ending, you saw that it doesn't. It just keeps going. Life is just going to keep rolling along. And it really grounded me and helped me to see that there's so many beautiful things happening every day, even though it felt like the world was ending. You guys were a huge part of what got us through COVID too. Just listening to your podcast was so important. Kept us laughing, kept us going. And now that we're through that, I definitely have a deeper relationship and understanding with my patients. And I love what I do. I love— I really do love my patients. I get to practice where I grew up, so I feel connected to my community and I'm very lucky.

That's cool.

I think it's great. I love that you were this teenager coming by, checking out our goofy tapings, and now I'm talking to you all these years later and you're just— you're a very impressive person, Jessica. Really? Seriously. And very—

Thanks.

Very cool to talk to you. And I love talking to people that have these jobs that are just so impressive.

Yeah.

As a woman, the relationship we have with our OBs is such an important relationship to be able to say whatever we need to say about our bodies. It's awesome. I mean, I love my OB. She, you know, it's awesome. I'm not crying. My voice is doing something weird.

So you're saying you don't have that relationship with me? You don't feel like you could tell me anything about your body?

Absolutely. Absolutely. Do you want to hear about perimenopause and like all the symptoms that I'm having?

I don't want to hear about any of it.

See, this is the problem. You don't want to hear about like the word vagina scares you.

I don't want to. We're not doing this right now. To quote my father, we're not talking about that right now.

Not right now.

He would say that about any time anything came up that he didn't want to deal with. He'd be like, we're not talking about that right now. Oh, I guess we're not.

Met ever.

Well, Jessica, really lovely talking to you, and I hope we—

this was a dream come true. You guys are all awesome.

I hope we cross paths, uh, in person. That'd be really cool. And then we can hear more about this fabled clitoris.

I can draw you a picture.

Yeah, might as well draw a unicorn as far as I'm concerned.

Thank you for your time.

I'm an idiot. Thank you, Jessica. Bye.

A dream. Have a great one.

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