Transcript of Ike Barinholtz New

Hi, my name is Ike Barinholtz, and I feel bullish about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Very Teddy Roosevelt. Yes! Bully. Bull moose!

Speak softly and carry a large red-headed man.

Yes! Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence. Books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Okay.

Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. It took me a second to realize what we were doing. And I'm Conan O'Brien from the title of the thing. And this is Sonam Babshehian. This is David Hopp. And I'm just trying to come in with fresh energy. I have an obsession lately that I want to talk about.

Yeah.

Which is rappers that have agreed to do a soundtrack for a major motion picture, and then they have to rap about the movie and kind of get bogged down in the plot of the movie. It's one of my obsessions. Yeah. Lately, one of the things I was thinking about, and I think one of the worst offenders was when Hammer, MC Hammer, uh, for the sequel to the first Addams House movie. Oh boy, I remember this. And Addams Family. Yeah, he had to rap about the Addams Family. And he— I know this is a long time ago and people listening right now are like, Conan, what are you doing? What are you doing? And my love, I know I have loved ones that tell me that all the time. What are you doing?

Yeah, everyone says it.

Yeah. And, um, I think every conversation I have with you, Sona, begins with you going, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? And you always do it like that.

What are you doing?

Why do I have an I don't know. You're always making a meatball when you say that to me. You're like, what are you doing? What are you doing? So anyway, so MC Hammer was getting into the weeds. You know, some executive said, you got to mention Fester. You got to mention Wednesday. You got to talk about Gomez. You got to talk about— you know, and then, okay. And you think, okay, Conan, that's one example. Have you got more? I do have more. Oh my God.

You had it prepared?

You did research. No, I didn't do research. These are the ones I wrote them down as they came to me. I remembered Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap.

Yes. Yes. Oh my God, I remember that.

Yeah. And, and of course, and of course, you know, Vanilla Ice is he, uh, and, and no, uh, uh, offense to, is it Mr. Van Winkle? Was that his name? Yes. In court, in court documents. Um, uh, no offense to him, but again, he had to get bogged down probably in talking about various ninja.

Go ninja, go ninja, go.

Yeah. And they started breakdancing.

And they start breakdancing. Yes.

And then did he have have to get into the plot. That's my favorite thing is when they're like, Michelangelo has to get the blue jewel.

It's at a show.

What's that?

I mean, it's in the movie.

They're at a concert.

Of course it is. Of course it is. Yeah. Uh, Bobby Brown, Ghostbusters 2.

Oh my God, remember that one?

Yes. And, and, and it just goes on and on and on, and I love it. And the reason I— it all came back to mind is the other day, you know, I like to sketch. You know, that's one of my things that I like to do.

You're a doodler.

I'm a doodler. I'm a draw— I like to draw. I like pen and ink. So I went into— I'll give him a shout out— Blick's Art Supply.

Hey, I like—

I can hang out in the Blick's forever. I just love pens, paper. Yeah, I'm from the streets and— but I'm there and I'm, you know, checking out some of the latest cool, you know, cool pens out of Japan. And you need an eraser that you can knead, you know. That's K-N-E-A-D, you know, a kneading eraser. Anyway, I'm checking out. Yeah. And then I'm gonna go out and get laid, you know. But that's the order that I like to do things, is I like to get the really good Japanese pen, a kneadable eraser, and then I have to go out, you know what I mean? And fucking spread my seed all over town. Oh my God. That's just the order that I like to do things. And if people think I came in hot today, maybe I did because I was in Blix here on the west side of Los Angeles.

Blix or Blick?

Blick. It's just Blick. But sometimes I go in and I go like, hey, I'm going to blix it up, you know?

Okay.

And then watch out, world, because I'm coming after, you know, once I get my supplies.

The little bag of my little Japanese pens.

That's when I like to stroll the boulevard and check for action. Anyway, I'm in there and what do I hear? Oh my God, it's Pitbull. And he's rapping about Men in Black 3. And sure enough, this rapper has, has had to bend the knee to the studio executives, and he's talking about, we got to go back in time, and he's explaining the plot. Do you know what I mean? And again, that always freaks me out when rappers, you know—

well, everybody needs— I mean, imagine how much money they get paid. You should try to do a rap for a movie.

You know what, I think maybe I'm jealous that no one's asked me. Toy Story 5. Yes, thank you, thank you. Now my guess is Toy Story 5 is coming out soon. I'm in it. I guess I was thinking maybe in the back of my mind they might want me involved in the soundtrack.

Yeah.

You know, no one wants to hear from Tim Allen and Tom Hanks anymore.

Well, also—

You know what I mean? Been there, done that. This is my chance to shine.

I know Randy Newman typically does a lot of the songs for the Toy Story movies.

Yeah.

But maybe we change it up this time.

Well, it's probably getting late. My guess is they've figured this out already because they've been working on this movie for years. But if they haven't— And who's to say I can't rap? I did a movie last year. People thought, well, he can't do a movie. Well, guess what I did? Yeah. So I think I could rap the plot to a movie.

I think you can too. First of all, your beatbox is— your beatbox. There you go. That's— your beatbox game is off the charts.

Yes.

So I think you can definitely—

It's off the chart adjacent. Yeah. I'm like off the chart and then so far away from the chart.

Yeah.

That no one can even see a chart near me. Do you know what I mean? There's no clipboard. There's no chart.

Insight.

If you had binoculars, you wouldn't see the chart.

I've heard you rap before and you do a throwback where you go, my name is Conan, I'm here to say—

yeah, yeah, I like to go back.

Everybody wants to hear right now, early '80s. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every rap should start with my name is blank, whoever you are. In my case, Conan. My name is Conan and I'm here to say, I'm here to rap the USA. That's how every rap should start. You also throw Superman into any— Superman rides really well. Superman. Yeah, I got teased about Superman's boss's cape an hour ago. You know, if you kill Superman—

And beef au jus.

I like beef au jus.

It's a lot of beef.

Because I like to say, you know, those bills will accrue and then you won't be able to afford your beef au jus, which was my favorite meal in high school. Yeah. The cafeteria had beef au jus. It's a juicy beef.

These are real hard lyrics.

Quiet. I mean, I respect— Uh-oh. I'm getting a call right now from my— What do you think Rick Sell wants? That's my manager.

Oh, he really— I thought you were doing a bit.

No, my agent, Rick Rosen. Maybe he heard about me. Maybe he's going to let you know there's a rap. Hey, Rick. Rick, you're on right now. This is Rick Rosen. He's one of the biggest agents in Hollywood. Yeah.

Hi, Rick.

And that's Sona and Blaze back there and David. Rick, here's my question. Is it too late? Do you think they've locked in the Toy Story 5 soundtrack? Is that probably locked in already? Or do you think there's a chance I could do a song that would be in Toy Story 5?

A rap.

A rap. A rap. I think, I think that if you were going to sing a song, they'd erase the soundtrack that they have already locked in.

Yes.

Yeah. So you're saying that if Randy Newman has already written like a great song that's a tearjerker but also a beautiful melody, because I love Randy Newman, and it's set— if I said, if you called them right now, you know, Disney Pixar, and said Conan wants to rap about the plot of Toy Story 5, they would delete— I don't mean just bump it, but delete what Randy Newman has done. I think they might even move the release date. Oh my God.

Oh, now we know why Rick's been around. We know why Rick's been around for a long time.

You know what, Rick, you're the best agent in the business. I'm so glad I took this call, and I'm going to jump off now, but I will call you back when we're done wasting America's time. I'll call you right back. Bye, everybody. Bye. I just hung up on him. That's how big I am.

Power move.

This guy runs Hollywood. He does. And I just— and guess what? I now don't have an agent because he's— that was fantastic.

That was great.

And you know what? That was perfect timing.

Surrounded by enablers.

I'm so— hey, hello, Sona. How are you? You're my biggest enabler.

Haha.

Good one, boss.

I know.

So anyway, that is the goal. The goal is I want to rap, and I really want to get into the weeds on the plot because that's my favorite thing is when the rapper's like, they got to get the jewel. They got to take it up to that mountain. You know what I mean? They've got to meet Papa Smurf. Do you know what I mean? And then they got to go back in time. But remember, don't cross—

you know what I mean?

Don't cross the whatever, the Purple River. Yeah. Because that means that— what's another Smurf?

Smurfette.

Don't say it like I'm an idiot.

Smurfette, you idiot. The girl one.

Okay, well, anyway, one girl. These are the obsessions that I have. They grip me. And what did I do, Eduardo? Why don't you testify? I come in hot today. And what did I make you do?

You made me play Pitbulls Back in Time.

Yeah. And you know what I did? I had you advance it to where?

44 seconds.

I said go 44 seconds in. I said start at 44 seconds because That's where Pitbull comes in with the rap. I don't want to waste time not hearing Pitbull rap. Not only that. Oh my God.

Conan texts me days in advance warning me that he wants this to be the highlight.

Conan, the 44 seconds. How do you know that? How do you listen to it in your car?

Well, yes.

Often.

Duh. That's such a big duh. You know what? I had to unlock my jaw to get this duh out. Like a snake, I had to unlock my jaw to push more duh out of my face. Yes. I heard Pitbull in a Blick's Art Supply store, right? That's right.

With a Blick.

And sorry, Blick Arts, whatever.

If they're going to give us free shit, you got to give their right name.

I don't know. Who cares? They're lucky I'm talking about them. And, and, and I, I hear it. I'm obsessed. I get in the car. I have to hear it some more. Then I notice when I say I really like it, when it starts right in on the, on the rapping with Pitbull. There's a big preamble that takes 44 seconds before we get to hear about Miami. You got to go back in time. He knows the exact seconds. No, I did. Well, that's what I'm saying. I know exactly what seconds. So I said, and then I come in today. Verse 2. You're like, wait, wait, verse 2. Yes. Yeah, I know. What are you talking about? You played it 3 times in the car when we drove around yesterday. Oh, and now I fooled David. So David was driving me around yesterday. I make him wear a chauffeur's cap, which I think is illegal. And I sit in the back of his— what is— what kind of car do you drive? A Hyundai? Yeah. Yeah. He sit— I sit in the back of his Hyundai and I make him wear a tiny, tiny chauffeur's cap. It looks like a little yarmulke on his head.

And it's got a little rubber band that holds it on his head. So I'm sitting in the back and I fooled you because I said— because I've been playing with a band recently and I said, oh, we worked out a really good tune and we have a recording of it. And he went, oh, really? And I went, yeah, do you want to hear it? It's the first recording. And he went, yeah. Yeah. And I started to play Pitbull's Back in Time. And you, for a second, what did you think? I turned and I said, you really recorded this with the band? Oh, David. I don't know. I'm usually— I don't know what happened to me.

You can't tell when Mr. Worldwide is— is— Well, I knew it.

I thought, like, he made the band play it.

No.

And then he got me again later. And then he started to hear the rap, and it's Pitbull rapping. And he thought for a second, I guess Conan could have done that.

Oh, no. Oh, blasphemy.

And then later he said, hey, can I plug my phone in? I've been really into this Tate McRae song. Yeah. And then he played it again. Oh, okay. I'd like to hear that. And then I hit, of course, what did I hit? Pitbull. Back in Time.

Yes.

Yes. And blasted you again. And you were like, why do I believe him? I've got it. I really want to play this new Tate McRae song. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, you're David Hopping. All right, peace out. Let's get into it. Who am I? Uh, all right, we got enough of this. My guest today stars as Sal Saperstein in the Emmy Award-winning Apple TV+ series The Studio. He now has a new trivia podcast called Funny You Ask, with new episodes every Wednesday. He's a very funny guy, and I've always enjoyed him very much, and, uh, excited he's here today. Ike Barinholtz, welcome. I'm so happy you're here. You are a fine fellow, hilariously funny, and now we get to hang. Now, we had a brief interaction recently at a pizza restaurant, and I remembered saying, I think to the waiter, "Can you escort this man away?" Yes, yes.

I was there with my family. It was my daughter's birthday. And all I did was I just gave Conan a wave across the restaurant, and we sat down. A couple minutes later, some of the staff came out and said, "Sir, you need to leave." I signaled them. Yeah. Which was— it was—

And they took you away from your daughter.

Yeah.

And then she started crying and she said, "Why they take my daddy away?" And I said, "Shut it!" Which—

and now whenever we see Conan on screen, my daughter goes, "Daddy." Yeah. She points at him and goes, "Daddy," which is nice. I'm fine with it now after a lot of ketamine therapy. I'm okay with it. I legitimately want to be your friend. I think a lot of phonies come on this show and they say, "Oh, I want to be your friend," and they don't care.

They don't. And you know what? I try to follow up with a lot of them. I'm not interested. I can't get through. No, no, no.

No one wants to talk to me. I'm here because I truly truly want to be your friend, more so than these vipers. Yes, these are not your friends. They are happy when you fail.

They are the little fish that grab onto the larger, more productive mammal and, um, suck it of its life essence.

Yeah, yeah, I won't, I won't suck your essence.

No, you will.

You will, no matter how much you ask.

If you want to get ahead in this business, you will suck my essence. It's the way it goes. Um, Ike, we have a lot to talk about. Let's go. And first of all, I'm a huge fan of the studio. And I love your work in the studio. You also have this new podcast, which is trivia-based, which I'm very excited about because I know you to be a trivia maven.

I am. I was going to say maven, and you beat me to it.

You are a Jeopardy! Celebrity Jeopardy! champ.

Yes.

You won $1 million for charity. Yes. Of which I'm told you took $600,000.

Well, you know the phrase, you got to wet your beak Yes. Yeah, the charity got money. They got paid. They're fine.

It was for, I think, pediatric oncology.

Ah, yes.

And you took $600,000.

First of all, if you said to someone, I want to give you $400,000, that sounds pretty great, right?

Right.

Let's leave that there. I have an infrastructure. I have business. I have people that I have to pay to make sure that I'm able to get to Jeopardy!

Okay, you talk that way, Ike, but when I saw you at the pizza restaurant in Santa Barbara. I did notice when you left, because I made you leave, that you got into a very expensive Bugatti. Yes. And the license plate was number 4 charity.

That's when I say I'm playing for charity. You don't specify it. Did I get a Bugatti that has 4 cars for my family? Yes. We drive up and down Montecito. You see everyone's seen a motorcycle.

I've seen you.

But I have a pod here, a pod here, a pod in the back, and a pod in the front.

They're all family. It's amazing. They're all lashed. It's smaller Bugattis attached to the larger Bugatti. Oh, okay. And they're lashed together, so they take up both lanes.

Yes.

Oncoming. Yes. So cars have to— he has a— you have a car that goes ahead of you.

Yeah, we have a follow car. You have a follow car. You don't have a follow car?

Well, you have a follow car that goes ahead of you and lays down orange cones to keep people off the road.

This is why I need money to pay these people. They don't work for free.

You motherfucker.

That's what I— all I wanted to say to say was to get Ike Barinholtz here. Who's— everyone's like, oh, he's so funny, he's such a good guy. Ripped off this charity in the name of Charity Jeopardy. Ridiculous.

I also won a million dollars on Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

That's true.

Yeah, so I've done two Celebrity—

how much money? And you got to keep all that money?

That money went straight to me, baby. No, that went— they both— everything went to charity. Every dime went to charity.

Unfortunately, this has kept me off these charity shows. I won't. I, I'm sorry. It has— I'm gonna speak— I'm sorry. I can't do it. I can't do it. I work hard. I don't want to go on Celebrity Jeopardy if I'm not getting a major piece of that dough.

Okay.

And that's just been my policy since day one. You know?

I do think you would do a good job on it.

I think it keeps charitable organizations— they get soft if they just get the money. Do you know what I mean?

They gotta work for it. They gotta earn it.

They gotta earn it, and it'll make them stronger. Anyway, this may be an unpopular stance, and if anyone thinks that I'm on the wrong track here, feel free to let us know on idontcare.org.

It is good that you guys got an organizational status for that.

That is—

that to me, that reeks of.com, but you guys did the paperwork, you paid the fees, and now it's an organization.

We didn't pay all the fee, but okay. Listen, we could screw around like this all day. It would make me very happy. But so much to talk about. We have points of commonality here, and that's always a good place to start, which is my interest in comedy really began with my dad. And I know that similar dynamic with you growing up, Chicago area, right?

Big comedy house. Mom and Dad both loved SCTV, loved Saturday Night Live, and then some of my earliest— loved Taxi. I remember, like, my first memory was them watching Taxi. And thinking, like, Jim was funny. And— but there is something about them laughing that it's very nurturing. That's why, because I don't want my kids to be in comedy, we don't laugh at all in the house. We watch serious documentaries.

Yeah, I watch comedy, but I wear an iron mask so they can't see that I'm laughing. And so I've watched some of the funniest stuff wearing an iron mask.

They're watching Step Brothers in just a full mask.

Yeah, just a full mask.

No gesticulation.

I've painted— I, well, actually, I didn't paint it. I'll admit to that. I had a very good artist paint a frown on the iron mask so that— Yeah. I, 'cause I don't— it's the same thing. Right. I want them both working for the, uh, any kind of electric company.

Yes.

That's steady, good steady work.

Working for the power grid.

Everyone needs power.

So you're watching your parents laugh.

Yes.

And then you get this jolt. And one of the cool things about your story is that you very literally then pulled your dad as you had success. Yes. As you've had success over the years, you have taken bringing your dad along, right? And, and giving him his chance, because he didn't go into comedy. My dad was a research scientist, right? Doctor, nerd, researcher.

I'm sorry, I apologize, I apologize.

He told me he was a jock. Yeah, I'm sorry, guys, but he said it as he was holding a microscope and wearing very short Bermuda shorts. That's when I knew. When someone tells me— and he didn't say jock, he said, I'm a real jockster. So I suspected wasn't the case.

Uh, my dad wanted to be in comedy, and he auditioned for Second City when he was like really young. And, and, and then he— it was just like too hard. And my mom was pregnant, and he was like, I'm just gonna go to law school. Let's go to law school and become an attorney and have steady work. And then he kind of took me to see my first improv show. And I remember seeing like Amy Poehler and Chris Farley. Tim Meadows in particular was so funny that I was like, I want to do this. And then years later, my brother did it, and our dad was watching from the outside looking— he was watching from the inside looking out. And long story short, he, a couple years ago, got a call to put himself on tape for a random show where they needed a judge, and that became jury duty. And now he is an LA-based actor. He's doing a movie right now with Jennifer Garner.

I'm not kidding.

And it's pretty wonderful.

His career has far outstripped yours.

Oh, me and my brother.

And the reason you're here today is he can't canceled.

Yeah, okay, that's, that's what it was.

He was the big guy.

That's what it was.

Okay, all right, I get it. Is Alan— is your dad Alan?

Is my dad.

Yeah. And so what's so cool is that, and, and, uh, working on The Studio, um, he played a part in The Studio. Didn't he have a cameo?

He played the projectionist on The Studio. I know you're a fan of The Studio because, um, I, I, uh, like everyone, was destroyed when we lost Catherine O'Hara.

Yes. Yeah.

And she had this memorial service, and my family and I were appropriately in Canada that weekend, so I couldn't go. And I talked to Seth Rogen when I got back. I was like, how was it? He goes, it was really beautiful. It was really sad. Conan came up to me and he said, she was incredible in the show.

Yeah.

If you're replacing her, I would like to be considered.

Yeah, Conan. Yeah, I did. I did. And I was— man, I was— yeah. And I, I thought it was— uh, it was the memorial, and I had an 8x10, and it had the quad split of me as a nerd on a safari. Yeah, on a safari. Me as an ice cream vendor.

Ice cream. Then it's a real—

and, uh, yeah. And Seth said, I don't think this is the right time.

Yeah, it's inappropriate.

And I said, when is the right time? Would later today be okay? So that was— that's on me.

That is on you. Um, but they're still trying to figure it out, so the season's done.

I get mistaken for a woman a lot, so that's in my favor.

I live in this neighborhood, so I I see you, I remember I was, I was at my vet one time, and I saw you walking down the street, and there was a guy in front of you who clearly worked with you, and you were slapping him on the shoulder as hard as you could.

That would be a writer. That would be a writer.

And like shaking him.

That would be either Mike Sweeney or Matt O'Brien. I have certain writers, and Matt O'Brien in particular, no relation. I tell everyone he was my cousin and I had to hire him, even though he's not funny. And he's a brilliant writer. He's really funny. He's no relation. It's just such a coincidence. Common last name, but I'm very comfortable, uh, giving him a physical beating.

Yeah, I'm very tactile too. I touch people. I, I kind of grab my friends and—

Yeah, I, I, well, I grew up with a lot of, uh, there's a lot of, uh, grabbing, wrestling, and growing up Irish Catholics and Jews are both tactile.

Like, we like to touch.

I like to get my hands on, uh, consenting males. Mhm. Um, yeah, that covers it for the law. Um, I think I'm okay now. Well, here's the thing, 'cause you talk about comedy and these influences, but I do love The Studio, and then I heard you talking a while ago about how much The Larry Sanders Show meant to you, and I thought, "Oh, this is interesting to me 'cause I loved The Larry Sanders Show." And there's a similarity between Larry Sanders and the studio. They're both about the business, and there are specific ways, if you're in show business, that you can pick apart certain things and say, "Well, that's not really how it is." And for me, watching Larry Sanders back when I was doing a late-night show, and there was one writer on the show, and Larry would be—

Wallace Langham.

Yeah. I would see things that if you're in it, you can pick apart, But those are irrelevant because they're getting the essential soul of it right.

Also, I think too, if you did, like, an exact version of what it's like, it would be kind of boring, right? It would be like, "It's like, oh, we're in a car, we're driving to the lot, and we're gonna talk to a director." And in real life, they show up, they say hi for a few minutes, and then they leave. But we want people to watch it. Yes.

And also, I always want to believe when I'm backstage that there will be showgirls, Two people in a horse costume.

Yes, classic.

And I wanted to do a late night show that had that backstage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that almost influenced what kind of comedy we did. I wanted horse costumes. I wanted people dressed as soldiers.

Masturbating bears.

I wanted masturbating bears. I wanted all that shit backstage, you know?

Shout out Brian Stack, by the way.

Brian Stack.

Conan O'Brien legend, Brian Stack.

Yeah. Yeah. He is. And you know what? I had a very sweet moment with Stephen Colbert. 'Cause Bryan Stack, one of the great all-time writers and— And performers. —writers, performers on my show, who did so many great characters and was so prolific and was such a voice of the show, he went to work for Stephen Colbert after we shut our thing down and has done great work for him for many years. I went— This is a couple of months ago. I'm in New York. I call Stephen. He says, "Come on by." And I went, and I'm hanging out in Stephen's office, and we're chatting for a long time about different things, late night, war stories, And then he had to get to rehearsal, and he was going to show me out, or have his assistant show me out. And so we leave his office, and there's a flat screen up. And on the screen, they're rehearsing a comedy piece, and it's Brian Stack wearing a ridiculous costume with his wife, Miriam, incredibly talented. Miriam. Amazing actress. An incredible actress, really funny, and such a great— such a big part of our late-night show as well.

They're both on screen going like this. Like, now you listen here, blah, blah, blah. And they're wearing ridiculous costumes. And I'm looking at it and I realize I was looking at that in 1993. Yeah, on the screen as I went down to my late night show. Here it is, 2025 at the time, and nothing's changed. Now you listen here, I'm going to tell you right now, you know, we're the Watermelon Heads or whatever. And Colbert and I just lost It like there's no escaping that face on a rehearsal cam, and it will exist forever. But I have to talk to you about this. You had this experience because you— a threesome? You— no, no, what, what is it? What is it? Says here a sixsome. Well, there was, there was— you had a threesome twice. I see you had a threesome twice, got it.

Different days, separated by many hours.

The math— okay, it says here six cocks. Six cocks. You know what I love? My research says here 6 cocks. Yeah, 6 cocks. No, it's 3 cocks, 6— 3 veg. Okay, I'm telling you what happened. Your researcher is incredibly base, I went there. I have to say.

Yeah, 3 cocks. He had drawings too. Let me see. Oh, that is me.

That is me. Okay, take it back.

The guy's working hard.

You're giving, uh, high-fiving the cameraman. Um, well, it's my dad.

He's my friend and And he also happens to be doing a great job.

I was like, get it, son, get it. Um, just like I told him, you know what, tell Alan that he's mentioned in the podcast. Got to listen to the whole way. You got to listen to the whole thing.

When you get to the sixsome where you're filming me and you're listening with Mom, just do me a favor and be like, uh, I'm losing the signal or something. Just hit, hit that +15.

I don't know what happened there. Did they say sixome? No, no. Uh, he said, "Wrexham." Uh, Wrexham. They talked about Ryan Reynolds' football team. Um, it's wrong with you. What's wrong?

What's wrong with me?

It's him. He's the one that did it. I went there. I went there. So the, um, there's this thing that I heard about years and years ago. One of the early, early travel things I did, travel shows I did, was I went to to— I can't remember. I think it was related to some kind of promotion. They were going to have our late-night show appear in some European markets. They asked me to go to Amsterdam, and I also think maybe Cologne, Germany. And so, I traveled there and thought, "Well, we should record this." So, we're in Amsterdam, and I only found out later on that there— I think I was stopped by someone on the street who said, "Hey, Conan, we're a bunch of Americans who are doing—" We're doing improv, which was how I began, was in improv, not stand-up. He said, "We're doing improv here in Amsterdam. Can you stop by?" And I remember saying, "I'll try to," and then I couldn't 'cause we were busy shooting all this stuff. And also, I just didn't want to go. Which I didn't have to mention. Why do that? Why not just say I was too busy?

Well, no, but I get it. You're in a foreign country, you're working. Saying to someone, "You want to watch some improv?" can be a tall order, especially for someone who's done improv. But it was very mean what you said. Please continue.

But I'm remembering now how not busy I was.

Well, now you're just gilding the mean lily, I would say.

No, I had my researcher put my schedule in. 2 whole days of nothing to do in Amsterdam. In 1999. Yeah, just nothing.

Nothing.

It's a tundra. It's a vast—

All I have is wake up and see The Matrix. Yeah.

See The Matrix twice, it says. And then question mark, question mark, nothing else to do.

They wrote that down?

I did not have— I didn't have time to go do it, but then I later found out from Seth Meyers that he was part of that troupe at that time. And I'm thinking, "I wish I had gone by and met everybody because that'd be cool." And see what they were up to. And it's this thing called Boom Chicago that's in Amsterdam. And you did this.

Yes. I replaced Seth, basically. Basically, right? Right. Like, it was, it was like 1994. Like, these 3 American guys are backpacking through Europe and they love Amsterdam, and they're like, this is the best city. The comedy is terrible. The comedy scene in Amsterdam at the time was still like old European cabaret stuff where it's like, you know, uh, Hans and Joop, and in the second act he will wear a dress, right? And it was like, what the fuck?

It always ends with, let's go buy some wooden shoes. Yes, it was the blow to every sketch.

A lot of clogs. A lot of clogs. Very clog heavy. Um, and so they're like, what if we opened a Second City style theater that was some sketch, some music, some improv and stuff? And at first it was just like, uh, like 5 or 6 of them in the back of a bar. I believe Miriam, uh, Flynn was one of the— or Tolan was one of the first ones, rather.

Yep. Um, later Miriam Stack.

Later Miriam Stack. And, uh, by the time I got there, it was like a big theater, like, like it was like a 250-300 seat dinner theater and The appeal, if you were in Chicago for me, was like, oh, you don't need a day job anymore because I had a horrible day job that was killing me. And then at night I would do improv and to go. I'd never been to Europe. I was 22 years old and I went and I had a threesome every day. I was there for 2 years. That's like 700. That's like 21,000 sexual experiences I had with all different people.

A lot of cocks. A lot of cocks. Cox. Once you're in it, it doesn't matter.

This was in the '90s. Yeah, this was different time. Yeah, before 9/11. Yeah. Um, and, uh, it was, uh, but it was incredible. I got there and I learned how to perform big because in Chicago I was doing a ton of improv in Chicago, and in Chicago you can kind of, you can score without having to go big in Chicago. You can come in and drop a really funny reference, you can play like kind of a cool character, and you're in a small room, you're gonna get a big laugh. But going and having to perform for people who don't speak English necessarily, or don't understand your reference base at all. Yeah. That taught me how to, I think, like, be bigger and kind of perform for the masses.

Well, I— when I was 22, senior in college and about to graduate, I knew— I was like, I don't want to do stand-up, but I'm very interested in improv. And a lot of people in 1985, I would say, I want to do improv. They didn't know what it was. And so I wrote a letter to— Del? Solons? Oh, Bernie Solons. Bernie Solons. I found out the name Bernie Solons. I wrote a letter, and it was this very formal— I wish I had a copy of it. It was a very formal typed letter that said, "Dear Mr. Solons, my name's Conan O'Brien, and I've been president of Lampoon, and I've done all this work in comedy, and I wish now to do improv, and I would like to come to Chicago. Is there a way I could join your troupe?" I didn't know about the classes. I didn't know— Right, right. And I basically got, like, a form letter back that said— I was asking, basically, "Can I come be a part of the show?" As opposed to, "Can I move to Chicago, start taking classes, and try and work my way in?" I just didn't know what it was all about.

I got sort of a form letter back saying, "That's not really how it works." Bernie Zollins just took some of his cigar ashes in an envelope and was like, "There you go." Bernie Zollins has a famous line where they were— he was directing a Second City show or something, and someone was pitching a sketch, and another actor was like, "Yeah, but we kind of did a version of this sketch in the last show." It's kind of the same joke. And Bernie Sahlins goes, look, there's 7 jokes, and it's all about how you tell them. 7 jokes? Yeah, he's like, there's only 7 real jokes. There are only 5. It's mind-blowing to me. In Chicago, we have a couple extra bonus ones. Oh, right.

Uh, yeah, sausage, and then, uh, yeah, the Cubs. Yeah, and then sausage. Big one. But I, uh, yeah, I was intrigued by that. And so when you guys talk about about— I mean, it didn't exist when I was going there, but the idea of being 22 and living in Amsterdam and doing comedy, I would go— I almost want to do that now. You can. Like, I, at my age, I would want to go and do it now because I can make one phone call and you will be in the Boom Chicago cast.

They will be thrilled to have you. We're gonna have to fire one of the younger current cast members, but you know what, I The juice is worth the squeeze.

Which is— I was going to say that same saying, and then I realized I don't know what it means, and I've never heard of it before, and that's why I didn't say it. I think it's funny when someone who's established in their career and very old and has, like, really is set financially goes and takes work away from young people.

That's the funniest thing you could do. That's funny to me. And it's a good life lesson for them. Yeah. Yes.

Work hard or not, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Ritch might come in and take your shit anyways. Like Conan O'Brien can come in and go, this— hey, you know what, this amuses me.

Great job you got here. Would be a shame if something happened to it, like I took it.

I'm gonna live in the fanciest house in Amsterdam. It's on a—

my house is on a boat.

Yeah, I'm gonna have a big boathouse, and I'm gonna drop by and do some bad improv, and you can fucking hit the road. This is— I'm so happy with all these life choices I'm making here. Well, I, I think that just sounds fantastic.

It sounds so much fun, and it was a great group. It was, you know, Seth Meyers— I kind of replaced him, but he would come back a lot. His brother Josh Meyers was there, uh, Jordan Peele was there, Jason Sudeikis, Liz Krakowski, Kay Cannon, Jill Benjamin— all these great performers, uh, were there, and it was a really great time too. It was '99, 2000. It was before the euro, so we still had the guilder. You were on the Dutch guilder, and it was 2 guilders to a dollar. Isn't that crazy?

I picture you guys having leather pouches with gold coins in them. We had leather pouches. You'd be paid by someone tossing you a leather pouch and you'd catch it.

That was basically what it was.

Tie it to your saddlebag and go.

Get on our mule and go back to our village. It was a beautiful— it was really beautiful. It was special time for me.

Nice show to you tonight. Here's a sack of guilders.

But we still go back. I took my family there last year, and, and, uh, it's— Amsterdam is an amazing city, really one of the greatest, uh, cities in the world. I love it. And that has nothing to do with the, uh, abundant legal drugs. That's a separate thing that I love. It has nothing to do with the charm and feel of the city.

Yeah, yeah. And then the drugs, you know, the drugs are good, which we have now in Los Angeles. I know.

Do you guys have any here? Uh, I do have some. No.

Do you ever do that?

Do you ever microdose? Do you ever do any of that?

No, I don't really.

For, for like any moral reasons, or you just like— I'm at that point in my life—

it was not, uh, no, nothing. I make— I don't have any, uh, moral judgment about it at all. I really don't. I just didn't ever feel like it was my thing, and And mostly, I've been spending a lifetime trying to understand my mind. So the idea of throwing some cuckoo juice in there didn't appeal to me as much. Cuckoo juice? You know what I mean? Putting in an accelerant or anything weird thing in there always felt to me like, no, no, no. It's everything I can do to get this thing to settle down.

What if I told you by doing it, it could help you understand your mind deeper? Ooh. Yeah. What if I don't want to understand it? What if I'm happy with this level of understanding?

I'm just trying to get to the grave. Oh my God, I look at the grave the way other— a tired person looks at a well-made bed. I just want to pull up the soil around me and go, "Night night!" Soon, my love, soon, soon, the grave beckons. The grave. Um, this is your fault. You know what, I blame Ike. I really do. I blame you. Me too. Because you're an accelerant for this kind of foolishness. I am. I am. Um, I want to make sure that I— because we could do this for thousands of hours, you and I, which is the lovely part of, uh, having you here.

But I'm just— why I should be your friend, because I know some of your friends in real life, and I'm better than them. And guess what?

I know who you're talking about. I would rather swap out, right?

We're going to say his name on the count of 3. 1, 2, 3. Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd. Here's what I'm gonna say about Paul Rudd. He's richer, he's more famous, he's funnier, he's better looking. I am younger and I am more loyal.

Yes, yes, to my friends. Yes. Also, you know, Paul Rudd— and if you're listening, Paul, I'm speaking directly to you— he comes and goes with the tide. When Paul's tide is up, you know what I mean? Yes. I don't hear from him. Yeah, you know, but God forbid there's a setback or a movie that doesn't quite hit, then he comes running back. He comes running back. He's like, hey, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? But then the second things start to hit again for Paul, as they always do, because he just doesn't age and he's perpetually successful, then he's gone again.

You won't have that problem with me. Nothing hits, right? I, I will always be there. I'm a loyal— I'm a loyal friend.

You're— you know what, your career is consistently ice cold.

Just, just— yeah, it's just never interesting or good. And that's why I'm— no, no, no, no, ice cold, ice cold.

Well, for Frozen. Just absolutely frozen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I know you got— oh, I got a Critics' Choice Award for my character in the studio. I bet you did. You came— he came in. Did you see what he was wearing when he came in? He had his Critics' Choice Award made into a necklace. It was like— and he had it, and it was like 26 pounds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, listen, it was like Flavor Flav's clock, and he That shows the kids I know what time it is. You were just about to get the word out on whatever project, and you just started shitting on him? Sorry. I was about to. I know. I was about to do the professional part. We have to just take a second here and acknowledge you're hilarious as Sal Saperstein in the studio. You were so funny in that role. And it's funny because you had a very specific idea for who this guy is. And I know there are a bunch of examples Many execs come to you and say, "Oh, that's based on me, isn't it?" Because, yes, they're all self-involved, but they all see themselves in what you've created with Sal. Which says a lot about them, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's definitely times where there's guys and ladies that I know who are studio execs who will say that, like, "Oh, you stole that from me." I'm like, "Yes." And then there's some that are like, "I know you got that from me." And I'm like, "I didn't." I'm struggling to remember your name right now, but I did not take that from you. I learned that from you. But I think people see what they want in the part. And it's really based a lot off of my friend Eric Byers, who's an executive at Universal, except for he doesn't do drugs and is very responsible. Right. But they love the— some of them love— the work isn't exciting. Making the movie is exciting. But they want to— where are we going to dinner afterwards? And that's like my cornerstone of like, where are we going to go to dinner? Where are we going to dinner tonight? Yeah.

That's me too. Yeah, well, dinner isn't for— I mean, it's not even noon yet. Let me do this. And I eat— I'm, I'm from Madrid, so I eat at 10 o'clock at night. And I always—

I forgot you were born and raised— you immigrated here when you were 19.

I have the face of Madrid on my— look at my face, it's so Madrid. You are real. Yeah, no, no, but it's always 10 o'clock at night. It's always paella. That's what— yeah, um, always 10, always paella. Yeah, I just got back from Italy, by the way.

We were shooting the studio in Venice for 2 weeks. How great is that? It was amazing.

That is an experience you're having that makes me so jealous, that you'd be part of something where they'd say, "Your job is to go live in Venice." Yeah. And yeah, you're working, but then I'm sure there are times where you're not working and it's time to go watch someone blow glass and drink really good wine.

Sorry, just to be clear, this is Venice Beach. Oh, fuck! Yeah. They had me stand at a motor-in off Lincoln.

Also, you have a travel show. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. You just remember—

you know what, I just remembered who I am. I thought I was Gallagher 2, which is Gallagher's brother, who I think is dead.

One of them is not with us anymore.

I think neither one is with us now. Both went. I think Gallagher 2 went to mourn Gallagher and fell into the grave.

This just sets up Gallagher 3. This is finally his time to shine.

And then Gallagher 3 was there and was like, I should probably pay my respects.

No, no, watermelon explodes out of the grave.

No, what I'm saying is, I guess what I'm thinking about is when I do these travel shows, it's go, go, go all the time, right? But if I was playing a part, yes, and they said we don't need you for 6 hours, that would be very different.

There was a couple— that never happens on the travel show. There was a couple times where I was not needed and I got to go explore Venice, and I saw them blowing the glass, and I went and drank a ton of spritzes. I had dinner. I had dinner with Michael Keaton. Oh wow, it's a big one. What was he—

was he there as part of the show?

He was sitting with his girlfriend at a different table, and I was sitting next to them, and I kept saying, Michael, it's Ike from the studio, and he didn't— he didn't acknowledge me at any point, but we were in the same restaurant.

This is the same thing you did to me at the pizza restaurant.

Well, no, he— no, you actively said I want him gone. Michael completely ignored me the entire time. Good, good. I was next to them.

You know what it's called in LA when someone's bothering you at a table? The Baron Holtz. No, the other day I was at an In-N-Out and I'm just trying to enjoy my shake and this guy gave me the full Baron Holtz. I don't know who the fuck he was. It turns out it was Michael Keaton.

Hey Conan, Conan, remember me?

I was in Batman. And I was like, what are you giving me the Baron Holtz for?

I'm trying to enjoy my shake.

I'm trying to sit at a table alone and enjoy my shake. 'Enjoy my shake at In-N-Out,' and you're giving me the full Baron Holtz. Do you remember? I mean, this is who you are.

This is my namesake, and I'm fine with that. And it's something that my daughters will have to kind of carry with them throughout their life.

Wasn't even booked today, and he comes in and gives us the full Baron Holtz.

I'm here, I'm here. Good luck getting rid of me now. I'm part of the show now.

He lives here. Um, Jesus, uh, I want to talk about this new project. Yes, you love trivia. You've always loved trivia. You're very good at trivia, as you've proven, uh, on these different shows. Are you good at trivia? I— here's the thing about me. I don't— I know— I think I have a— my brain knows a lot of different strange things it shouldn't know, but I don't have command of it. Let me know. I don't think I could just go bang, bang, bang.

Let's find out, because I brought some, because I don't recall, you know.

And I'll be like, true, you'd be—

well, okay, let's try it. Let's try it. Trivia.

Here we go. So this is just Trivial Pursuit. I think this is like Genius 3, so I'm just going to run through these. What city's Lord Taylor boasts the Wanamaker Grand, the second largest pipe organ in the world? Yep, I think I know this.

I don't know this at all. Wait, say it again. What's—

what city's Lord Taylor boasts the Wanamaker Grand, the second largest pipe organ in the world? I have no idea. I'm almost sure it's Chicago because my Aunt Libby used to work at Lord Taylor. Wow.

Well, okay, so the guy From Chicago. Fix it. Chicago.

I was wrong, it's Philadelphia. Oh, okay. Boom. Okay. What hip-hop mogul mused, I feel safe in white because deep down inside I'm an angel?

Okay, I'm going to have to go with Flavor Flav. That is, uh, just because we came up earlier. That came up earlier.

No, the answer is a dear friend of mine, Sean Puffy Combs. Oh no. Oh no.

You know, you are in a documentary.

Yeah, yeah, but just for a minute.

Yeah, giving him the advice, whatever you're doing, do it some more.

Who became the first—

look at him move on. Anyway, next question.

We'll get out of that part. Next question.

I don't know, Lauren Taylor, Sean Puffy Combs.

Who became the first female British royal to walk instead of ride in the family— in a family funeral procession in 2002? 2002. First British female royal. Well, it's not Fergie, we know that.

It ain't Fergie because she hates walking. She's just a little fun fact I know about her.

She was on tour with the Black Eyed Peas, so it's not her. It's not—

it's definitely not her. Yeah, but she is a royal. She's a royal. As there are many— half the people in the Black Eyed Peas.

I don't know, I don't know her.

A royal pain in the ass, if you know what I'm talking about. Uh, let's see, which royal was— uh, well, it wouldn't be Queen Elizabeth. There's no way she's breaking tradition. She's very traditional.

You think she's gonna get on a horse? Oh no, she's walking instead of riding in the procession.

She ain't walking. No, she ain't walking. And, and Anne isn't walking. I think Anne's walking. You think Anne's walking?

Anne's a walker.

The answer is Princess Anne. Yeah.

Yeah, incredible. Yeah, how many— these are terrible questions.

I know, this is Trivial Pursuit question. How many of every 6 stutterers are male?

All. Well, I'm going to go with, uh, 5. 5 is the answer.

What do you know that? What are you, like a stuttering enthusiast? Uh, which Grand Slam singles title had Monica Seles failed to win during the 20th century? Which one did she not win?

Well, um, you have first of all to know all of them. I'm gonna—

I'm just gonna say Australian Open.

Australian Open. I'm gonna say US Open. Wimbledon.

Last question. Goddamn it. What— this is about a friend of yours. What hugely successful video was Joe Francis inspired to make after viewing a flasher tape sent in for his banned from television video?

This is your dear friend Joe Francis. We are not friends. I— former business partners. Business partners. Okay. I saw what he was doing and I wanted in financially in a big way, and then I did everything I could to provide moral support.

You made a lot of money.

I wish we were better friends. Yes. What's it again? What's the name of the show?

Uh, I believe it's Girls Gone Wild. Yeah. And it is Girls Gone Wild. Yeah, we have a clip.

Um, listen, sorry, if you had a Girls Gone Wild clip, I would be—

I'm like Paul Rudd, but instead of Mac and Me, it's Girls Gone All right, so let's get to your new project.

Here we go. Funny You Ask, a weekly comedy trivia podcast. What? Um, and, uh, this is— this sounds like a labor of love for you.

It is. I, I— for years people were like, you should do a podcast, and I was like, I don't think the medium is gonna work. And a couple weeks ago I was like, the medium works, right? So let's get into this. Now. We're not on the ground floor, but we're on like the 80th floor. Right. I wanted to figure out a fun podcast and I just couldn't think of like a fun hook. And then I was like, oh my God, what if I just wrote trivia questions for my friends?

You write the trivia?

Oh, I write the trivia. Not because— not for me. I have a producer who writes the questions for me, so I don't see the questions. Honor system. But for my guests, what I will do is I will take 3 subjects, you know, a little bit about. So for you, what are some things that that you wouldn't consider yourself an expert on, but you know a little bit about?

I know a lot about the Beatles. I know a lot about probably, uh, American history, 19th, 20th century, that kind of stuff. That's good.

Sorry, sidetracked. You remember the last time I was on your show was Beatles week, and Paul Simon saying, "Here comes the sun to me and you." It was a deeply romantic moment. What?

That was not my show. That was—

you're thinking your show, my friend. And, you know, you were here, I was here, Paul Simon was right here. Actually, no, you were here, Paul Simon was here, I was right here. And I think Paul Simon was in my lap.

I remember that very clearly.

He kept calling you Garfunkel. Yeah, he kept saying, are you Art?

Yeah. Um, and you kept interjecting, and he said, what's— you give me the full Baron Holtz here. Remember that?

I was honored. I knew my name. That was—

he didn't even know who you were, but he knew— he didn't know you were Ike Barenholtz. He said, what's this fucking guy giving me the Barenholtz for? I'm trying to tell a story.

So you would come on, I would write questions about the Beatles, American history, other things, and we would come on, have a fun conversation, and I will sporadically ask you trivia questions, and then you will ask me trivia questions, and then we do a big speed round.

And so the guest shows up with their own trivia questions?

No, my producer— your producer comes up with them for me. Yeah, this sounds really fun. It's very, very fun. The reason I'm here is to ask if you will do mine.

I don't have time. I don't have— I don't have time. Okay. Not just today, but I don't have any time. I haven't been this busy since I was in Amsterdam. That's 27 years ago.

I feel like David has—

Boom Chicago. It looks like it's pretty early. There's no time. Okay, we'll figure it out. Pretty wide open.

Sounds like there's a little bit of a discrepancy here between what you're saying and the truth.

David, remember I have that thing.

What is the thing, David? I mean, it's just— What is the thing?

I've never been more clear. He's just swiping through not just months, but years.

He's just— He has a whole year.

A whole year on one page, and he's just swiping. I see nothing. Yeah, I would be honored to do your show. I mean, it really is. I, you know, I so enjoy you. You are so funny. You are such a good fellow. Um, you were always hilarious on my show, all the times you came on. Uh, so yes, the answer is yes, yes, a thousand times.

And I feel like we are making really good headway into the friendship arena. This is the real reason.

You know what, be careful with this guy. When I say this guy, I mean me. Yeah. I am a slippery eel. You will probably never hear from me again. I, I'm— when I'm here in the zone, I'm all heat and yes, yes, yes, yes. But then the minute you get out of here, I'm like, what's with that guy? And then an hour later, who was even on today, right?

You completely disassociate within an hour of finishing.

Within an hour, I don't know who was on, and it's David's job to bring me 7 baked pheasants, and I just eat them.

And you put the napkin over your head so that God doesn't see your shame.

Yeah, doesn't see my shame. Um, no, I would, uh, I would love to come on. I would. And I do think we should be pals. Um, oh my God, I wasn't expecting that. Woo! Now, are you up in Santa Barbara Barbara a lot.

We like to go there a couple times a year. Yeah, I'm sure you have a house there.

We— I have 7 houses there.

That's— you're really building out.

I just bought Oprah's house and kicked her out against her will. I bought it out from under her and I said, you've got an hour. But she's squatting now.

She's actively squatting.

She's roaming around. She's— yeah, she's hanging out in the garage.

She's roaming around.

What the fuck? She said, I didn't know— Oprah said this— I didn't know legally someone could buy your house without you letting them buy it. And, but you know what I did? I have a lot of money from these charity gigs I do. I clean up and then I just buy rich people's houses and tell them to leave. So you can stay in one of my 15 homes.

We'll take you up on that. That would save me some hotel, because we love it up there. We love that Santa Barbara. What a beautiful, beautiful—

okay, let's not do an ad for Santa Barbara.

I'm just saying, it's, it's, it's a shit— it's about a 90-minute drive from, uh, LA. You're there in no time. There's a beautiful Downtown. Okay. And don't forget the Cherry Blossom Festival.

Okay, let's move on. I don't know how this guy from the tourism bureau got here, but, um, just an enthusiast. Yeah. Uh, sir, I wish you the best of luck with your new podcast. I will come on. I will be happy to come on. And, um, just delighted to have you today. This was— yeah, this is just not work. I don't know what to call this, but it is not work.

An easy One day, right?

Well, I don't say what day it is. I like to create the illusion that it's happening as people are hearing it. It's a good— you know what, just having a fun Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday in 2026, '27, '28, you know what I mean?

This was a real honor. You are the funniest person, uh, of my generation.

Jesus, let's expand it a little. Okay, why just your generation? Okay, you've seen some of these nice, quote, funny people from previous generations, not so funny. That's actually true. Yeah, yeah, I'm on— I look at them all. Let's just click it to be a little bigger. All generations. Thank you very much, I got what I wanted. Mike Fahrenholtz. Okay, this is part 3 of Blaygate, um, Aaron Blair's attempt, uh, and, and this is, uh, to fraudulently use, uh, IRS loopholes to, um, bankroll his childish fantasies. And we have, uh, Mr. David Melmed here with us. And you are— I— are you a lawyer? I am, yes. Okay, because that's what we hired you to do. Yes. But you might have been here to fix the ABC, and we just hired you. That's pro— yes. Okay. Well, anyway, let's get back into this, what I think is a major scandal roiling our podcast.

So what are we talking about? Edibles?

I would like to say, can I write all that off? Anything I mentioned on this podcast, can I write it off based on Blay's logic?

Maybe based on Blay's logic. Yeah, maybe based on the law. And again, I'm not— let me just— I'm not a a tax expert or an accountant. So this is just—

wait a minute, wait a minute. But why did I bring you in?

I actually— no, no, I, I have a cursory sort of understanding of what we're doing here because I also am familiar with the tax code. This is ridiculous.

No, no, he's going to say interesting things. I just love that. Like, I'm trying to understand exactly how fission works. I got a squirrel here. Can you help me out? This is for the listeners. I know about nuts and hiding them for the winter. Don't know much about fishing, but here goes.

This is, this is my protecting the myself and the show. So if someone hears this and said, oh, I'm gonna start writing off X, Y, and Z, right? I'm just saying, I mean, yeah, kids don't do this at home.

Kind of do not do it.

Yes, correct. Um, so personal expenses that are not related to the podcast, you cannot write off. So if you're bringing edibles— I think I heard that segment for, for Conan, right? Yeah, that would probably work more into production than on air, right? So, and where production costs can affect Conan, and I am the, uh, opinion that we are here to manage Conan, right? It could eat into—

yeah, you know, if it weren't for you and for Blake I don't think I'd make it in this business. It's through your wise counsel, though you're clearly not an expert in anything. Yeah. I think it's factually true. And through Blay's incredible work of buying these doodads.

Yes.

And shoving them into the conversation. Correct. Like with a crowbar. Yes. I don't know that I would have a career at all.

I think that's why we're here. No, so I'm saying Blay, maybe. I think you have to separate yourself. Into when you are bringing something on the show. Are you in your role as a producer or as an on-air personality?

Can I ask you a specific question? You can. Okay. And are you a producer? I call myself a producer. What is your title? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know your title? I swear to God, I thought you were here to get lunch. Oh my God. See, I kept wondering, where's the lunch? Wait, I just want to— I thought this kid was getting his food. Can I ask Melvin a specific question?

I have a specific question.

Yeah. Okay. So like for instance, we talked about how I watch Bain clips on a plane. Great. Okay. Which I love Bain. Yes. I watch a lot of Bain clips. Big fan of Bain. Now that's been established on the podcast as a bit. Okay. Now can I buy a, this is a real question. Can I buy a Bain mask as a follow-up and write that off? 'Cause we, it's been established on the podcast. Can I buy a Bain mask and write it off?

I, I, I would say maybe.

I think it should all be submitted to at a time. I think what might be a problem here, Blay, and I say this with all respect, is that you are this, um, untethered child running around having these ideas and swiping a credit card. And, uh, I think that's potentially problematic. Could be. What I think you should do is, um, you should go to Adam— I'm invoking you— and you should say Hey, uh, here's my idea. I want to buy a Bane mask. They're $9.99, uh, 99. Um, and, uh, I think it would be a good segment, and then you can think about it. Maybe you can approach me and we can have a discussion.

I totally agree. And I think the whole thing— I mean, I think, you know, we have established, I think, that Blaise committing fraud. But the, the one that the— what I, what I, what I am hearing though from David, and David, tell me if I'm wrong, is this— it's very like tail wagging the dog, right? Like, it should start as the show wants to do X, Y, and Z, so let's go out and buy the necessary supplies, curiosities, whatever it is so that we can make that happen, so we can execute on that. But to do it the other way around, which is we're buying a bunch of random curiosities and let's see if the show can do that, feels like it's in violation of whatever—

Yes, I think that is exactly— I think that's a very good way to articulate, not to say I'm not saying that what you're doing hurts the show. I'm just saying if you're looking to write off certain items, probably go about it the way that Adam described it.

Yeah. So I guess my, my next question is, can I have a company card to do that? I was gonna ask if you had a corp card. I don't, but I would re— it would help, I think, with this situation. Don't you guys think? I think, I think I can put that sword on a company card.

I, I think you need a real accountant.

Yeah. I, I took for all company. Company card, flat no. No, wait a second. There's no way you're getting a company card. But wait a second. Sona had a company card to put a bunch of lunches on. Has. Has. And puts lunches on it. Has. She has one to this day. I sure did. Yeah, and has lunches on it.

I sure did.

So first of all, I knew that was the deal when I hired Sona. That's what comes with Sona. It's in her contract. No, I mean, she's like Zorba the Greek. You don't— you know, she needs to have access to all the things that make her Sona. I think it's a little presumptuous to think that you should be entitled to those same things. I just do. I'm just saying, like, okay, I bought a big Medusa skull. Okay, you're not helping yourself. Better and better. But you have them on. But, but, but, but a Medusa skull you have forever. Sonus just has a lunch. What do you mean a Medusa skull you have forever? No, you don't. Yes, I do. You have it until you get married and she throws that shit out. But lunch you just eat once and you're done. I mean, this is all you have for lunches.

They are— we talk business.

Can I Can I ask a question?

So we have David here, we should take advantage of it. What are, are, are there things that we should be writing off that we're all, that we're not?

Well, let me, okay, so lunches, lunches, lunches. Yes. Hey, these are lunches.

I do you guys a favor.

I would say anything to manage Conan can be written off.

When did I become, when did I become, I'm sorry, when did I become hepatitis B? No, no, no, no, no, no. You're on it. When did I become this virulent strain of hepatitis? Brain that must be contained. Oh no, a Conan got loose from the lab.

That is— that's the way the IRS sees you. Are on-air talent, and we are here to manage you. So anything we do to manage—

the IRS knows that I'm a toxic— I love it. Well, you're okay.

So to answer your question now, anything that sort of costs to create, produce, protect show is deductible, right? Anything sort of personal performance, uh, the consequences of wrongdoing, uh, we cannot.

Consequences of wrongdoing?

Well, meaning you're bringing a mask on the show for— we have to say, what, what's the intent? What's the per— if you're bringing it on to have a potential write-off, I would say if you're— if we've discussed the segment right first and then you bring it on to sort of you, then I'm gonna say maybe.

So then I'm gonna say maybe. So Bane mask might be something I could do.

It might, but I would probably bring that up first, then just bring it on and start talking about it.

But don't you want to, can I just ask, why not just pay for the Bane mask? It's, why do you need Uncle Sam's help? Uh, you're well compensated and you should take pride in spending your own money on something as precious as a Bane mask. You shouldn't need to invoke some weird codicil that you think you found in the IRS code to do it. Why not just be a real man? And when you buy a Bane mask— Just own it. You know, in the true tradition of being a man, like a real man, when you go to buy, you know, your whatever, it's a bumblebee head, or when you go to buy, you know, oh, it's— 'You know, the Vision from Marvel Comics, I want to buy his panties.' Why? Why can't you just be a real man and say, 'This is what I want to feel good about me,' and buy it yourself? He's an android.

He doesn't wear panties.

I think so. Just summarize. Androids wear panties. In terms of what the— so these are sort of personal lifestyle expenses which are not deductible, I think. And so that's okay. I'm putting it into— —unless we— unless, unless—

and this is, Blay, you'd have to accept this, okay? But if you could prove that this was an illness of his, a deficiency, sure, if you could prove that this was some kind of a handicap, sure, something he can't help because something stunted, something never developed, like a medical—

like a medical—

neurological— but he never grew into a real a real, uh, adult, and he's trapped in this cycle of just more toys and more ephemera and more bullshit, and he just won't break free of that and won't go out into the world and, and really realize himself as an adult. He can't. Then this could be a possibly his version of a wheelchair or crutches. Absolutely. Or a special seat that helps him sit on the toilet because he can't make a poopy without it. Conan get a tax credit for employing? Yes. Yes. Okay, I think we cracked it here, and I think we've been in the red for a while now, which means we've gone way too long. Um, we'll probably have to lose some of your talking, Blay, when you defend yourself.

I do think the real criminal here is Blay's mom. I think that she's— I think that she— I think Mary Blair needs to go to prison.

I think she is an absolute criminal. I agree. Too. Yeah, by, by— and look, we wonder why he's infantilized and she's sending his taxes to TurboTax. Yeah, you— when's she gonna diaper you next? You know, now she insists on doing it. She wants to make sure that my bottom is talcumed properly. So yeah, if I can write them all, if I can write off the diapers— investigation, investigation into Mary Blair. I'm going to end this right now. Blair, I find you guilty and no corporate card. Agree with that. Thank you.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avcessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate Associate Talent Producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. Episode. You can also get 3 free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.