Transcript of Zach Galifianakis Returns Again New

Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I feel Zach Galifianakis about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I have to say, I feel up, Zach Galifianakis.

You don't seem up.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by Sonam Sethian.

Hi.

And, um, wow, let's, let's pump it up a little bit.

Hi.

I wish you were a voice on Siri and you're just like, hey, no one would— there'd be no follow-ups for Siri. What else can I help you with? Forget it, Siri. And David Hopping, you're at Cheery Chap.

Hello.

Good to see you. You too. Sona, you ask me to do a lot of favors, and I want to talk about this.

What?

Yeah, you do. You ask me to do a lot of favors. It's, "Can you do this for me? Can you do that for me? You know, it's Armenian this week and it's Armenian that week. Can you do a thing for me?" And it's— sometimes I want you to know that it's a little much. You take advantage. "Can you do a blurb for my book? Oh, can you also write an intro, then an outro?" I mean, what's going on? Do you see me and just see a doormat? Is that what you see?

Oh my God.

Hey, what if I get you a doormat? Mat, and instead of saying welcome, it's just my face, because you walk all over it all the time anyway.

Oh my God, that's so unfair. I'm so mad. I hate asking you for favors.

I know. Well, you don't hate it that much. I'm sorry. I'm— how could you hate it that much?

I'm cackling so hard about it.

You're like a bird saying, I hate building nests.

How many times do I tell you Conan agreed to do something for me?

Like, guess what? I'm an owl saying, I hate hooting.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. I sure hate it. Hoo hoo hoo hoo.

23 hours later.

Hoo hoo.

I sure hate it.

Hoo hoo. Oh my God.

That's my impression. If you were an owl and asking a favor was hooting, you'd be hooting a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, it's good. It's good for you to explain it. I hate asking you for favors. There are so many things people ask me to ask you that I Specifically say you filter stuff out. Yeah.

How could there be more?

What are you talking about? Do you know how much stuff? First of all, it's your fault because you made me— you put me on this podcast. People know who I am now. I'm attached to you for the rest of your life until you die.

And so please, that's not for months.

Oh, come on. But it's— it comes with— I'm sorry, you did it. It's— it's your— it's you. It's your fault.

You're speech champion.

Oh, come on.

Listen, come on. I listen. I don't begrudge you anything.

And yes, you do.

I do.

Of course I do. I just made it the whole front of the show. Yes, it's a lot. And David, do I do a lot of favors for people?

You do a lot of favors for everybody, not just Sona.

Yeah.

What the fuck, David?

I'm just so worried.

I don't ask for that many favors.

You do favors for everyone. You do favors.

Raise your hand if Conan's ever done a favor for you.

Yeah. I, the only— I actually never asked for favors. When your Aquaman figurine got stolen from your apartment, you asked me to put up posters and I did. I never asked. Then when your Iron Man got stolen, I put up posters for that. That's right, he offered. Then when your several hundred of your other figurines were stolen, you asked me to call the police for you and I did. That's right, it was very nice. I was just saying I never asked for favors, but I know that you would help me out. The only favor I've ever asked you for is when you were in my short film and you did it and it was great. So don't say I— you never asked me. Yeah, but that was— but in 25 years, I've asked you for one thing. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, to be in a you made. That's a big favor.

When you—

I'm just saying, you can't start by saying I never ask for favors except for that one time when you did me a huge favor. I'm trying to help you in your argument with Sona. Why are you attacking me? Because when I see you, I just see red. Yeah, you're like a— I'm a bull and you're a giant red blankie flopping around in the wind. You do a lot of favors for everybody. And I don't know that you've ever asked any of us for a favor. You know, Baskin-Robbins famously, I think, had 38 flavors. I think I do more than 38 flavors a day. Hold up.

Our whole job was doing stuff for you. That's our whole job.

You get paid for that.

I know, baby.

I got you your lunch today.

I ordered you Aleve.

Can we talk about that?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, if people know out there that I occasionally take Aleve.

I don't know what you like to keep secret.

No, that's a secret. I think we've all known. No one must know of my Aleve. You know, I, that's why I always, when I throw out my Aleve bottles, I always, I always try to throw them out in someone else's trash can. 'Cause no one can know that I occasionally have some muscle stiffness. I don't have time for this bit.

I'm angry. Right now. I'm so mad right now.

You're— are you really?

Are you done with the Alif thing right now? Because I want to address this accusation you threw.

I'll leave it for now. Home run. Okay, wait a minute. There's too much to unpack here, as the kids say these days. Uh, I hate that saying, but my wife uses it all the time. We, uh— and sometimes she says it while we're unpacking on a trip, and then I think, okay, whatever. Anyway, uh, let's revisit this, uh, later on in the show. And, um, get to our next guest.

Okay.

My guest today is a very funny actor and comedian who starred in The Hangover movies. Now you can see him in the new AMC series The Audacity, and he has a new gardening show called This Is a Gardening Show. How does he come up with these names? He's truly one of the funniest people I know. Zach Galifianakis, welcome. When I walk into a room, I'm used to people— I mean, even pretty big stars are like, "Whoa, it's him," you know? And then I walked in today, and you— Your heartbeat's like one beat every two hours. You were just sitting there totally unimpressed that Conan O'Brien had walked into the room.

What would you like one to do when you enter a room?

Jump up!

No. Go like, "Whoa!" It seems insincere.

"Whoa, look at that guy!" "What up, brah?

So good to see you!" "Hey, brah!" Dude!

Yes!

That's the real me.

Well, I mean, we go way back.

I've known you for many years in a showbiz way.

Early, early days. You used to come on my show and you were always hilarious. And don't look at your watch.

Oh, Jesus.

What the fuck was that? Time is moving slow.

That's so rude.

We can cut this short.

I was trying to compliment him about how funny he was. And this is before America had Zach Galifianakis fever. This is back when they had Conan fever, and I lent some of my fever to Zach Galifianakis, and then America had the very contagious Zach Galifianakis fever.

Yeah, I like to call it sizzle. I still have a sizzle.

You sizzled and sazzled all the way through the late '90s, 2000s.

Did you guys get my sizzle reel? I sent it over.

We got your sizzle reel.

It's past tense.

The past tense of sizzle. You sazzled back in the day.

I used to sizzle.

In the early 2000s, no one sizzled like you. You're not gonna like this, but I adore you. I think you're a wonderful fellow. One of my favorite comedy pieces of work is your work on Between Two Ferns. I think it's absolutely hysterical. Thank you. And endures. And I resent you for that.

Why are you resentful? It does seem— I know you joke about it, but I do think there's a tinge—

Oh, it's all real.

Yeah, I do think there is a—

I resent you terribly because you are very funny, And you are—

but, but also, is it my height? Is that what you— is that what you wish you were more like me about?

I do. I wish I was closer to the—

is my size of my head— is that what you wish you had? Parking meter head, parking meter body, whatever this is. You get that a lot?

People try and put time in your head so that they can keep their car there a little longer. Is that what happened?

You wish you had a 7-syllable last name? I do.

No, you are very funny. You're one of the funniest people I know. And yet you seem grounded. And I don't know how to do that. I mean, this guy, he is of the earth.

Yeah.

He seems like he's got it all together.

Mm-hmm.

He seems like he emotionally wants for nothing.

Mm-hmm.

That doesn't seem fair. I mean, yeah, I get some chops, but—

Oh my gosh.

But I'm constantly wracked with these roiling seas inside me.

Does every podcast turn into, like, a one-man show?

I know!

Like, the light should shift.

We don't need you to talk during this part. In fact, you don't have to be here for this. You're just here to get it started, and then I do the rest. Have you listened to the podcast? It's pretty much me yimmering and yammering.

I mean, really, it is. You're really taking the floor here.

Yeah, I am.

But I appreciate all that stuff. I don't know if it's true or not, but I— grounded is a good— is an interesting word.

I'll be serious for a second, and then we'll go back to my one-man show. You are hilariously funny, and then Very— I'm hard-pressed to think of anybody who's been less altered by success. You just seem like if all of it went away tomorrow, you'd be very happy and contained doing whatever you're doing, and I love that about you.

I think that second part is correct. I think— I feel— I am one of these people that feels very fortunate to be working. And, uh— But the first part about, like, having success or whatever being— known. That threw me for a— that really messed me up. Not in a, "Woe is me," but I just— no one ever asked me any questions until I was in a movie with a monkey. Yeah. So, I just— I found that to be odd, that switch. And I was older. And I think I just— the BS of this business or whatever is— it's always been laughable too. I'm from a small town. I have a, I, I think I have a chip on my shoulder when I moved here. And I, I don't know. I think that's kind of healthy, but I, it affected me for a while and I feel kind of embarrassed by it actually. But yeah, but I think I remember it at the height of Hangover mania.

I was, went to some event someplace and there were a bunch of, it might've been like on Hollywood Boulevard or I had to go into some event and there were all these people outside the venue. There was like a Spider-Man, and there was a Superman, whatever, a Batman. And there was a guy who I thought it was you for a second. And I thought, "Oh, there's Zach. I'll say hi." And then I realized it's not you. It's a Zach Galifianakis impersonator with a fake baby and a baby Bjorn.

Dreams do come true, don't they?

From the movie.

Yeah.

From the movie. And it's so—

I had a moment— I like the idea that you thought maybe that was me in the outfit.

I know!

That from the movie.

But can I tell you something? I didn't clock the outfit right away. I just saw out of the corner of my eye— And by the way, you were known to promote that movie very hard. But— and all the sequels. But no, I just had a moment of thinking, because I know you, I know that that would have bummed you out to your core.

That would have, yeah. But what— you know what's interesting is, as a— I wanted to do this experiment once, and I had the wardrobe— This was many years after we did The Hangover movies. I had the wardrobe sent to me, 'cause I was in Vegas, and I wanted it to look like how pathetic it was that the actor got into his outfit and was trying to get recognized. And I did it, but no one came up. It was so embarrassing. Like, no one did it. The experiment failed. But, uh, yeah, the, uh, The Hangover was big. That was a big, uh, change.

Right. And— but I do think it's good for people to hear from you that— because— And we talk about this a lot on the pod, but—

Are you too busy to say podcast?

I am. Yeah.

You should do a doc about that.

I don't have the tie to do it. I'm fascinated by this idea that there's a lot of envy surrounding this crazy, weird business and people thinking, oh my God, all your dreams would come true. And what I found is that It's a magnifying lens. It just magnifies things. So if you're insecure, you will become more insecure. If you tend to be angry, you'll become a rageaholic. If you are someone who's capable of feeling gratitude and appreciate the people around you, those things can be enhanced. But I do think there's a, you know—

Maybe so. That's a good way of looking at it. Yeah. But I was angry about it, to be honest. I was intimidated by it. Because I thought, as a comedian, to not be able to observe because you had too many distractions of trying to hide or whatever, it intimidated me, and I got weirded out by it. But now that I'm old, I— like, none of it matters, and it, you know, who cares? But it's, uh, it was a change. It was a change.

Yeah. I've always tried to picture you because I know that your success didn't happen right away, and I knew you for a bunch of years where you'd come on our show and be really funny. But the whole thing hadn't quite gelled or clicked yet. And then—

And I was this busboy at a strip joint till I was 28.

Yes, I was going to get to that. Yeah, you were.

You were.

I was. And I try to picture you in these real jobs, in these—

That's a real job.

I hope so.

With my briefcase.

Yeah, I do think that's a real job.

My canteen. Going to work, honey. No, but I had to wear, like, a cummerbund. It was like a fancy—

And it was a strip joint.

Yeah. On Park. You were in New York probably at this time. It was called Stringfellows.

Yes.

So I worked there. I had a table there. Yeah. I never saw you come in, thank goodness.

No, I—

But yeah, it was— and the guy that I moved to New York with, who we went to college together, he was the cashier at the strip joint, and he ended up being Jimmy Fallon's head writer.

Right.

80 Miles, if you know 80 Miles.

That's where all the best head writers come from. That's cool.

Isn't that weird?

Well, I'm curious because I'm trying to picture you in a situation where you have the comedy mind that you have, but you're doing a job like that. You're working at a strip club. You were a busboy?

Busboy.

Busboy. So you're wringing a cummerbund and—

And I had a crummer. Do you know what a crummer is? No. It's a little metal stick that you take out of your pocket and you get the crumbs. Off the table for Wilt Chamberlain.

If Wilt Chamberlain had gone.

I think he came in a lot.

Maybe it was another 7-foot-2 legend. His name was Wilt Chamberlain, and he was 7 feet 2 inches tall, but it wasn't that Wilt Chamberlain.

Yeah, this guy was an accountant.

Yeah. And a very good one. So, were you funny at that job? And I bring it up because I know that when I did jobs, that weren't comedy-related early on. I was deadly serious, to the point where when they found out later on, "Oh, I just got a job writing. I'm leaving," they said, "There's no way you're a comedy writer." Because I was just dead serious, never made a joke, just did my work.

That makes sense.

I think it comes with maybe being depressed. I don't know. What was your situation?

I, uh, the strippers— were not nice to me at all. I was really intimidated. And the men that went in there were not the men that I would want to hang out with anyway. So, uh, it was a weird situation. I don't remember trying to be funny. I'm sure with the others, with Miles that was working there— I'll tell a story. I think I've told this story, hopefully not here before, but, um, it's a fractured media.

No one's heard it. Go ahead.

And no one will. Uh, but Miles and I, Miles and I were getting ready for work. There was a snowstorm in New York. It was a blizzard. I'll never forget. And it was in the mid-'90s. And I'm putting my cummerbund on. Miles had just lost $1,000 from the register.

It's—

it's mafia-owned. Or it was, I think. And, um, so he was so worried. He had to go in and face the music. He'd lost this— lost it. He wouldn't have taken it. He lost it. So I'm putting my cummerbund on, and as I'm looking over— I lived in his closet. And I look up, and Miles is tying his shoe, and he says to himself, didn't want me to hear it, knowing he had to go face the music. This is worse than Bosnia. Bosnia was going on at the time.

Yeah.

And that's what he compared. And I'll never forget how— it's not wrong.

How dramatic.

He's not wrong.

He's not wrong that owing Stringfellows $1,000 is worse than anything that happened in Bosnia.

Well, if you know that the mafia might have And then what happened, I think what happened, we go to work, and the feds came in. They closed it down that day. And that was it.

A mysterious tipped call came in.

Yes, from a busboy. Yeah.

That's friendship.

Yeah. But, uh, no, I was very serious at that job, I think. Yeah.

We shot a bit once in Houston at, like, 2:00 in the morning at a strip club.

We'll be right back with the world's worst bragger. Yeah.

We were there to shoot some piece, and so, I'm there. I think we were just trying to figure out, because my show in Houston at the time, this is like 1995, '96, aired at like 3 in the morning. So I went to places at 3 in the morning to figure out if I could see anybody watching our show and who's up and watching TV at 3 in the morning. And that, it ended up being very funny. I went to a bus station, I went to an emergency room, and I went to a strip club. And you walk in and you see these beautiful naked women and, you know, just my, my head turned into a jukebox cartoon where all the cherries come up. It's like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And coins came out my mouth. I was like, loot. Like all the cartoon stuff, like steam coming outta my ears. I'm like, I can't believe it. Within 15 minutes, we had a problem with the camera and I, we're trying to figure it out. And this completely naked, beautiful woman who would've been my fantasy of every way of 16, completely naked, not wearing a stitch of clothing.

Comes up and starts to talk to me, and I'm like, "I'm sorry, can you just give us some room? We got an issue with this camera." By "us" you mean who?

Me and the camera? You and your balls?

Oh, no, no, me and— I am not that polite to my balls.

I imagine you were there by yourself and you said, "Can you give us some room?" Yeah.

"Pardon me, testicles?" No, I have a very different relationship with my testicles. No, I remember being kind of irritated, like, "Can't she step back? We're trying to fix this lens." And I was realizing that, oh my God, you get inured, you get used to this right away. Like, you're in there for 10 minutes, and suddenly it's like, "Come on, naked, gorgeous woman. Can you give me a break? We need to get this shot!" And behind the scenes, there's nothing—

Like, the women are talking about how much they hate the men that they have to— Like, you know, So it's not— it's not thrilling backstage. It's a whole different scene. So that's where—

because strippers love me. They just love me.

Oh, huh?

Yeah.

What?

I just— I think I'm the one guy that when I go into strip club, they're just like, wow, I love him.

Conan, when is the last time you've been in a strip club?

1969, right? I was 6 years old, right?

I was conceived at one. We won't go further into that story.

You know what I didn't know? Why did I not know that you were at Saturday Night Live? You worked at Saturday Night Live for a very—

That 2-week— Don't they do a 2-week trial thing sometimes?

They do. I hear— I don't know. That's not how I came in. But I remember thinking that we were on a 2-week trial, my writing partner Greg Daniels and I thinking it was a 2-week trial. But then later on, someone said, "No, you weren't a 2-week trial." But you were a 2-week trial.

I honestly, when I got there, I thought I got hired as a cast member, honestly, because I had auditioned twice.

Right.

And I was told, "You're going to go and be a feature person." And I said, "Great." And I got there, and they said, "No, you're actually going to write." Which, either way, it didn't matter to me. I was just so thrilled that I had that opportunity. It was a tough 2 weeks. Because the table reads, I think even if you know people there, the table reads can be kind of brutal. I just remember I wrote a sketch, and it was— you could only hear the air conditioner in the room. I mean, I've been like that on stage. You know? So I'm kind of used to it, but there it was just— And I remember, for some reason, I was sitting next to Tina Fey, and I just remember her patting my shoulder in a very calm— not even in a sarcastic way. It was really calming, and I'll never forget that. It actually meant a lot to me. But it was rough. But I was thrilled to be there. But you don't know what you're doing when you get there, right?

It takes a second to figure it out. And, um— It's not— so many shows I've worked on since, and I obviously loved my time at SNL and was so formative for me. But I've very much liked working in late night all those years because it felt like we were all working together a little more. There's so much show to fill. There's— for years, it was 5 hours a week you've got to fill. There's no elbowing for room or real estate. Do you know what I mean? There's just, if someone has a good idea, everyone's like, oh my God, that's great.

Yeah.

Let's do it. No one's, well, that's a really funny idea, but I'm not gonna laugh because, and, and that's, so SNL definitely much more competitive.

I don't know if it's like that as much anymore.

Might not be. Yeah.

Because when I went back to host, I, I noticed, oh, it seemed much more loose and friendlier. Not that it wasn't friendly in the beginning when I was there for writing, but But yeah, it was an honor to do it. I didn't have any bad feelings about it, except for the tumbleweeds going across the writers' room.

Yeah. And that feeling of when you put a sketch in, if it's not working at read-through, you can see everybody flipping to see how many pages this is. So you'll have that moment—

You're not supposed to do that. I do that all the time at table reads.

I know.

I'm always like, do I have any more parts to this? Scanning for my name. You're bringing in something that popped in my head, and I don't know if you and I've ever talked about this connection, and maybe he doesn't want us to, but, uh, Tommy Blatcha wrote on Conan, right? Yeah.

Tommy, one of my favorite writers of all time.

Yeah, I think he happens to be the funniest person I think I've ever met. Like, he's that funny. And I knew that he left your show to go write for professional wrestling, right?

Yes. He worked with us back in the '90s, and I knew him through Andy Richter.

From Chicago, probably.

From Chicago. And he brought— And for a while, Tommy didn't say anything, and he was super quiet. And I just thought, "Well, I wonder if this guy's going to work out. I don't know." And then he revealed himself in the writers' room and on paper to be the funniest guy. I gave him a shout-out on Stern once because I was on Stern, and Stern was kind of talking to me about, "So you must just hire, like, Harvard Lampoon guys." And I said, "No." He was like an Army guy. Yeah. I said, "One of the funniest guys I've ever— one of the funniest writers I've ever known, I don't think went to college." Are you talking about Tommy? And I was talking about Tommy, and he said, "Who is that?" And I said, "Tommy Blatcha." So, he— really brilliantly funny guy.

He's on a level that I— I mean, the same level I would put you on, which is this— we used to do this bit back and forth to each other where it was just really this, just the dumbest person, right? Yeah, yeah. And because Tommy's really good at dumb, and, and it would be like, uh, what about drinking coffee or something? Like, it was always the most obvious, and it always filled up— follow with, or something.

Yeah, or something.

So one night, Tommy's had to spend the night at my house, and we were both working together. We had to get up early the next morning for work, and he's in next room over, and it's 7:00 in the morning. I'm up, but I'm just kind of basically waking up. And I hear Tommy say under his breath as he's waking up, "What, am I awake or something?" And I fell in love with him.

I fell in love with him. Yeah. Yeah.

And I used to beg him— Like, he would make me laugh so hard, like, I didn't want to leave him. It was—

So, he— This is one of my proudest, happy moments.

He—

I would do all these riffs in the writers' room that— outrageous, over-the-top, where I would almost play this over-the-top host who's incredibly abusive. And I would come into a room, and someone would start to talk, and I would say, "Play." Yeah. But I remember at the time, I was on this jag of saying, like, "Why don't you go have a big, tall glass of shut-up juice?" And it was just a really stupid, childish put-down that I was doing. And I would do it whenever someone was taking a swig of something. I'd be like, "Oh, a little more—" Just after they had pitched something, I'd be like, "Oh, a little more shut-up juice, huh? Wet the whistle with some—" And they— Tommy left because he was going to go write for professional wrestling. And he told me, "Hey, you gotta tune in. I wrote this for The Rock. He's taunting one of his opponents, and he tells him, 'Why don't you go have a tall glass of shut-up juice?'" And I was so thrilled, and I watched it, and sure enough, The Rock was like, "Hey, I'll tell you something." And he's got that mic, and he's like, "Maybe you should just go have a long, tall glass of shut-up juice." Shut up, Juice!

And then they cut to people in the arena and they're like holding their heads like, the Rock got him! And then I think the following week someone had a sign that said, shut up, Juice. Oh my God. And I was in heaven. Oh, that's a payoff. No one knew. I didn't care if anyone knew that was me or not. And then those are the kind of things that make me super happy. And sure. So Tommy, one of the funniest. Yeah.

Such a funny guy.

I'm curious, like, you in these other jobs, it's interesting to me that, which I totally understand, you're not being the Zach Galifianakis that people would know. You're just grimly doing your job and trying to do it well, which would describe probably you in— I mean, I know that you were a nanny for a while.

I was a house cleaner. House cleaner. Cleaned apartments in New York for a couple of years. Yeah, I was pretty— I'm pretty quiet, I think. And then the comedy scene kind of maybe— broke me out of my shyness, I think, somewhat. As I performed more, I got a little bit more comfortable with that stuff. But yeah, those jobs will humble you. I mean, I moved to New York wanting not my— I didn't want my parents to have to, like, send me anything, right? And they never did. And I was pretty independent. But my father, he would send me things in the mail. I'm like, "Oh, God, run to the mailbox. Oh, God, I hope this is food." I hope this is food. And then open it, and it was always irregular underwear. I just opened it in the post office. It was light. I mean, maybe he was sending me potato chips, but it was always irregular.

Irregular was wrapped in it, you know? I don't know.

Uh, irregular underwear. Yeah, it's, it's cheap.

My dad was cheap. Cheap. I also think there's something to— I used to think about this a lot. When people get to know me and know my rhythm, this will be a little easier. And I think that would be very true of you. I mean, I always thought you would come on our show back in the day, and people didn't know you, and you'd sit at a piano, and you would tell these great jokes, but you never winked. You never, you know, shot them a look like— You never ingratiated yourself with the crowd. You just completely went in, and they had to accept you as you were. You were. And I think you have to do that for a while in order to have people meet you halfway.

I think that's a— I think you're right. I also think, if comedically I should say only, I've always thought it's more interesting if you're just doing a stand-up bit like that to have kind of a disdain for the audience, you know? I, I never was like, "Hi, I'm gonna tell some like that." Friendly. "All right, let's tell us." I see stand-ups come out like, "What's up, Miami?" I'm like, "God, that's a lot of energy." You don't want to know how Miami's doing.

Miami is no concern or interest to you.

I respect the audience, but I— the relation— now performers have a real relationship with the audience via social media that, that too, I've never participated in. I don't— that's a weird— I don't know how to do that. Yeah.

You have something that I'm not too familiar with called dignity. Dignity. Yeah.

I could tell you a lot of stories that would go against that.

Um, well, I mean, we've talked about it. I won't go into it, but I do think that was particularly helpful to you when you did your famous, uh, uh, Between Two Ferns, uh, interview with Obama, because you're the only person that, that gave him— I mean, you know, I know that this in, in any way was just you doing your comedy, but you were so rude as that person. And it's hilarious because I don't think anyone's talked to— certainly a sitting president, or even in this time, no one's talked about—

well, all the podcasters that have had the president on now, they don't do their court gesture. They don't do it. They just— they suck up to him. Yeah. So the comedians that have had— that are podcasters that have had Trump on, that's They're not doing their job. Yeah, yeah. They're— that's not the job of a comedian. You are to challenge. Yeah. You are to make uncomfortable. You're not to sit there and fake laugh. Yep. That is not the job of the court jester. Yeah, period. So there is a difference. People were actually— somebody yesterday was talking to me about that, about, you know, political influence through comedy and all that stuff. I'm more interested in the comedy first. Me too, you know. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, whatever they're— whatever their what your motive is. Fine, but the comedy has to come first. I remember when I interviewed Hillary Clinton, and I could tell she didn't want to be there, and I totally get that. I get it. But before we had set that whole thing up, they wrote back, "Well, you can't bring up those emails." And I go, "Well, we don't have to do the interview.

I totally— That's fine. We won't do it." When you tell powerful people no, it's crazy. They were like, "Okay, we'll do it. Well, you can ask." Because it's not that important to me to do it the way they want to do it. You have to— If you're going to come to a comedy, you got to do it the way we want to do it.

Also, I see this all the time, and I've seen it for years and years and years and years, people not understanding that if they go to the supposedly vulnerable place and have a sense of humor about it, it is magical for them. People see they have a sense of humor. They see that they can take a joke. I mean, no one walked away from your interview with Obama and thought, "Wow, you really showed him." He got to be hilarious. He sat there and entered your world of, you know, being intentionally ignorant about who he is, what he does, cutting him off, being insanely rude, and gave it back to you in equal measure. And you looked at it and you thought, "This is a great piece of comedy." And I know it reflects well back on the president. And our current president would do well to understand that, to understand that, you know, if he let himself be the butt of the joke, It's impossible. It's dehumanizing. I know it is impossible. You wouldn't do it with him.

It would— it wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. I, I, I had to—

I'm just saying in an alternate universe, if we're talking about a different human being, they would see that there's this misconception that, oh, the media just wants to go after conservatives. Um, and they don't understand that everyone benefits when they laugh at themselves.

That's right. Period. Yes.

Everyone wins. Yes. If you laugh at yourself, It humanizes you, and like pheromones are released, and humans think, "That's a good human." Who— And when you refuse to let that happen, that's not projecting strength, it's projecting weakness.

I agree 100%. There's also the math of comedy to me sometimes, where the punching down that the right seems to do some— And I don't want to get political here, but the— That's not as funny to me as taking on the powerful. Like, the math of it doesn't work for me. Like, to take on some marginalized people, make fun of that. Listen, I'm all for humor. I can defend it. But that mathematically— So, that's why you don't see a lot of comedy that comes out of the— I mean, the right. You just— It's hard to do. I'm not suggesting you cannot. It's just difficult to do because of the dynamics. Yeah, Greg Gutfeld. What a hilarious guy.

You got him. I don't know if they'll show up to work again. Um, I always love imagining these people being completely unhinged by a comment on a podcast, or, you know, yeah, someone did a sketch about them on SNL and they're just completely unhinged.

Oh, I'm sure they can no longer That's all for clicks though. Yep. You know what I mean?

It's, it's fake. Well, that's boring. The whole, the whole everyone commenting on everything. Yeah. And everyone has to, um, wait, did Sabrina Carpenter just slightly misspeak at a performance, uh, at Coachella? Or does— can we make that into something? Yes, we can. And then she'll apologize. And I think she's a fantastic performer. She makes a lot of people happy. I actually don't think she did anything wrong. She couldn't hear what the person in the audience was saying. There was no harm, no foul here. But people got a 24-hour news cycle out of it. And it's just—

I mean, it's stupid. Yeah, it's just strange. You know, the other thought of that too is it's interesting, people from the right, or whatever you want to say, they're always like, "Shut up, entertainers. You're just entertainers." And I kind of get that because I'm from the South and, you know, but I always think, yeah, but you guys say that to us entertainers, but you elect the entertainers. Yeah. Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Thompson, Gopher from The Love Boat. I mean, I could go—

his name is Fred Grandy.

I could go on and on. Sonny Bono. I mean, it goes on and on. Yeah. So it's always interesting to me that they point that out, but then they, they fall, then they, they're the ones that hire or elect the entertainers. Yeah. Yeah. I think even more so than the other side. So I don't know. It's very, very odd, all of it.

But it was a good run. Oh, no. Oh, we're wrapping it up. We're calling it.

We're calling it. Well, 2:50 is a good time to call it, you know.

Oh yes. 250, 200. I don't feel any— is anybody celebrating?

I think they're going, they're gonna— well, there's plans to build giant monuments. I think the Triumphal Arch was gonna be for the 250th, I think. Okay, good. We just gotta get that thing built.

This is gonna sound controversial, and I don't wanna— when Trump did that Jesus thing, that was the turning point for me. I was like, I kind of like him.

Oh, like him? Yeah. Oh, you, you Okay, what do you think?

Am I off?

But he wasn't Jesus, he was a doctor. Well, he—

yeah, his excuse was, I'm those— I was a doctor who wears a robe and a red sash and has like a halo light behind him. He was a Red Cross worker. Oh man, uh, he's a very good nightclub comic. Uh, um, you know what I I was watching your gardening show, and I want to mention this because it's called This Is a Gardening Show. And one of the— Like that title. Yeah, he was up all night thinking of that title. And, um—

Actually, we spent about 400 titles back and forth. Oh, really? Between Two Farms. I mean, it was like, you know, all these play on words. It was so— Then the producer emails me and goes, "The first thing you say—" is this is a gardening show. Yeah, why don't we just call it— I was like, okay. But yeah, that's, that's how we got to the title.

Well, you know what I love? Because I've known for years that you hang out on Vancouver Island, and then to get to see you in your habitat is very cool. I mean, first of all, it's beautiful, but getting to see you— I, I knew that you were a very, uh, sort of an outdoorsy guy. I didn't know specifically how important gardening was to you. The show is really funny, and you get to be you, obviously, 'cause you are you, and there's no fixing that now. But the— But just getting to see you in that world, I totally get it. You like to get up in the morning and tend to plants. I love it.

It's strange how much— I mean, I've always been a hobby— It's been my hobby, I guess. Um, for 20-plus years. But now that I have some, some space, I've been building a garden. And I just do. I mean, I have, uh, 100 little pumpkin seedlings in my greenhouse right now that when I get back to Canada, I'll put in the ground. And that'll probably produce 200 pumpkins for the year. I, that kind of stuff, it's, I, I can't tell you how much I love it. It's, it's a feeling that I feel like as humans, it's part of us, but we got away from it. Yeah. We, we, we just— 'cause, because technology and convenience has overtaken everything. Yeah. We're pushing buttons is soulless. Yeah. It— there's nothing there. Yeah. For me. And I, I wanted to do this show for several reasons. One, you know, when you watch documentaries about where we are climate-wise, you hear there's 64 harvests left. Okay, maybe that's not true, but what if it is? Right. What— you know, this is— these are— there's a— there's— these are scientists that are saying this. 64 harvests left. So, people— I see some people acting like, "Oh my God, what are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?" And then I see some people don't care. So, I don't know. I'm just gonna go with what my gut feeling is, which is maybe kids need to know this stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Wait till the Russians shoot down the satellites, motherfucker. It's just a quote from the South I heard recently that I was like, yeah, I believe you.

I actually believe that.

That one I believe. And think about that. Yeah, right. So all of these— I feel like the safety might not be there for the next generation. So I'm— and this is not an altruistic thing I'm trying to say, it's just a practical thing. Uh, our food, Even if nothing happens, even let's say everything stays normal. Well, our food and where we get it and, and how, what we know about it is, um, we don't have a relationship with food. A lot of us don't. Right, right.

You think about it, birth, death, food, and where it's coming from were primal parts of our existence for so long. I mean, they're just, you know, printed into our DNA as we evolve. And then within the last few generations, we've completely removed ourselves from it. And I'm going to be completely honest with you. I know nothing about gardening. I know nothing about where my food comes from. I say to David, I want to get that. And you were like, all right. And you get it and it comes and I shove it in my face really quickly and with great hate. But it's the same thing about death. People used to live and die in their home and people used to be there for it. And now everything's kind of farmed out.

So yeah, it's, but it's a medicine too. It's not just, it's just not, it's not altruistic.

You do it for yourself.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I look, I'm a little chubby guy, but I love eating fresh vegetables and fruits out of the garden. It's like, it's a, it's a high for me. Mm-hmm. It just is. So there's a, there's many elements to it, but I'm saying it's a medicine to be in the garden. Yeah.

It's healthy to be. It's also, when you talk about, you've spoken about this for a while, and you mentioned it today, the kind of allergic reaction you have to the bullshittery of show business. Well, and, and in some of it, um, there's obviously great parts of it, and then there's parts of it which can actually feel like a toxin.

I had this poison and honey.

Yeah, I, I felt this. I got a chance, um, Danny Harrison, George's son, invited me to come see George's home, Friar Park, and I went, and so much of it are George Harrison's— were his gardens where he grew things. And I've seen footage of him in various documentaries just tending to his gardens and tending to his sunflowers and tending to the things he was growing. And I thought, "Oh!" And Danny said, yeah, he told him once, you know, Danny said, "Oh, let's go into town. Let's leave Friar Park and go into town." And his father said, "Why would we do that? Why would we go out there? It's insane out there." If you look at all the footage of his life in the '60s and '70s, it was screaming and madness. This was the antidote. Interesting. And I think you've experienced being in the nose cone of the rocket, and there are people who are making a living pretending to be you hanging outside of Planet Hollywood. That— You know? That's— And like, "We gotta get us a Zach Galifianakis for the party." "I got one." "I got one too." "Well, bring them both," you know?

So you're— it's such a nice antidote to find those places where you can grow apples.

Well, I also think it's possible in the cities. I mean, when you guys all leave today, I want you to pay attention to how much concrete is around you versus greenery. Just think about it. Yeah. It's crazy. It's really crazy. I mean, I think humans' biggest mistake was fighting nature instead of working with it. "We're gonna conquer it!" Well, no, you're not. No, you're not. It's gonna win. And it looks like it's definitely gonna win. So, you have to respect it and honor it. If there's a God that made all this stuff, why would— Why not respect it and the other— the things that this God has made? That's coming from someone that has no idea if there's a God or not. But if there is, why— Is it the simplest thing to respect the earth and the humans and the animals on it. Other than that, what is there? Yeah. I mean, this— where humans are going with AI, I mean, I guess, I don't know if I'm old-fashioned or I'm— maybe it's 'cause I'm 56 now, but I think this whole AI thing, and I don't mean for medicine, I don't— it's got a lot of great things.

Otherwise though, I think it's another, like, biblical, in the biblical term, biting the apple again. Mm-hmm. I just am very afraid of it. Yeah. The dudes that are designing it.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

There's a real problem. Yeah. Because these dudes— how do I say it? They have math minds. Suck. They have math minds. You know what I mean? They have math minds, and that's good. But there's very little wisdom coming out of that pocket of the world. Almost none. Yeah. And we're just running— all of us are running in that direction. The media, the media loves AI. The media loves social media because it causes more of this. Yeah. I love when CNN, they'll have a reporter on, but they'll do a report on social media and how bad it is for someone. And then after the report, Jake Tapper gets on and goes, follow me on Twitter. It's asinine. Have you no self-reflection? Well, even how we communicate through text, uh, there's not a sarcastic font. Right? And people are not good enough writers to do it through text. As a comedian, to get back "LOL" is really diminishing returns. I— So I think the way we have let robots do this for us has also made us a little bit off. I just do. I worry about the lack of human connection with that stuff. And maybe it just is not as needed as we think it is.

I don't know. I mean, I really don't know. But this world, this tech stuff, has always— I've always thought about it. I've always worried about it. Especially when social media came about and MySpace and all this. When it was done, you could do it anonymously. That's a weird start for anything. So, the weirdos running this thing, and good weirdos, I don't mean they're all bad weirdos. We need to— Something— There needs to be a guardrail. And I think politically, nothing changes in the States. Until they regulate the internet. Yeah, I do think not. So we can sit here and talk about it. Good luck. It could work for both sides, right? It just depends on who's going to control it, the messaging. But you're— I see how people scroll on planes. I'm like, that's how people get their news.

We're screwed. Yeah, I do think that if you look at the history of huge technological advances, including like the printing press you know, and how that revolutionized things. In the early days, it's rough going when people are handed a brand-new superpower. And we are at the beginning of this. And I do think if we survive it, there will be guardrails. There will be people that say, "Oh, no, you can't have a— a kid can't have a tablet. We've figured it out. They can't have it till they're 14." And that's a law, you know? Or you can't— It's like how a city—

like, a city can be built, and there's, like, There's crap in the streets, the sewage is all wrong, and then as it ages, they fix the problem.

No, we're at the OK Corral phase where drunks are punching each other through the swinging doors of the bar and landing in the mud. People are shooting their guns in the air going, "Yeehaw!" That's where we are.

But do you think it's going to need a regulation to get to there? Do you think the government— Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's going to.

Because they're not going to do it.

But you know what it does? It comes through just this hard experience. And humans do, if they put their hand on the stove enough times, they learn not to do it. We need a rule about putting our hands on the stove.

I hope you're right. There's an addiction. There's an addiction thing here too that we have it. That's the other thing is the addiction part. And that addiction is designed— listen, you read the— read the— have you read the Facebook whistleblower book? Uh, no, did not. You need her. It's unreal. I read it twice. It's fascinating. So they know that they're making it addictive. So that's the problem, I think, maybe with the comparing it to the old technology. Right. Sure, you're right. I think the printing press, of course, it changed the world. All technology is what changes humans the most. Political correctness, for example, has always been in comedy for the last 30 years. It just has. The difference is the technology. The audience talks back now, and comedians, you got to be okay with it. That's the only thing that's changed. Not, not political correct, that did not— for sure it happened many, many years ago, but what really changed is if someone comes and sees you live and they don't like it and you've said something, they're gonna either videotape it or get it. So it's weird. It's, it's all very strange. Yeah. But then I see people on their computers all the time and like they never do anything else, and my mind goes, well, when the end of the world comes, they're the veal.

Well, you know what? It's soft. Soft meat.

It's a soft meat.

So we might need them. No. We're going to eat— All the fields up in Silicon Valley.

We're coming to eat you, babies. The way you describe it, we're going to eat very well. I mean, I want this to happen sooner rather than later. Just you and I.

But also, we're humans. We're animals, right? Like, we need to move and think and talk and blah, blah, blah. This is— it's too much. It's too much. Yeah. It's making people nuts. It just is. Well, I think it's making people mentally— I do.

I think it's making people mental. I do. I mean, I do things now where I, like, brick my phone. Well, there actually is a device called the Brick where you can turn off a bunch of apps so that in order to go turn them back on— it's called the Brick. But you— and I use that all the time now.

Do you have email on your phone? I do. Take it off. It's too late. Oh, no, you can take it off. No, I never— I can't imagine having an email on my phone. It's so like—

that's asinine to me. Uh, what about— and you're including text too? No text?

If I knew how to get rid of text, I would. I don't know how to get rid of it.

Um, we're in a time of overcommunication, right? So my brother, he says on a podcast— my brother— well, exactly.

But my brother's like texting me over Christmas, got those paper towels, you ass. I don't need you to text me that you got them. I don't need that update. It's insanity.

You know what I've noticed too is that someone will text you like, how's it going? And if you don't text them, it's the person who maybe 20 minutes went by and they're like, what the fuck? You alive? You're like, I was, it was 3 in the morning. What's going on? Because they're so used to getting an immediate dopamine hit. Yes. That they forget they're talking to someone who isn't walking around looking at their phone all the time. I see. So I get a lot of my texts are, did you die or something?

And it's like, well, no. I mean, I see teenagers on planes and the mental illness that they're doing with their faces. Mm-hmm. Like changing it for 3 hours staring at a phone. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh, you know, you're supposed to be bored. Yes. You're supposed to be. It's good for the brain.

Well, it's actually, and really good. I remember saying this. When my kids were little, we got to keep the boring parts. Because I remember when I would get so bored when I was a kid, and that's when we weren't allowed to watch TV if there was school the next day, which meant most of the week we had none of this technology. And that's when my mind started to do weird things. And that's how I make my living now. So you got to—

God, I thought this was going to turn into a masturbation story.

I think we all did.

That's what it just did. The air out of the room. That's— the story's not done. That's what I was—

you cut me off.

You're right.

I wish somebody had. Yeah, that is what I was getting to. My mind started doing weird things. Yeah. And my hand. Yeah. Come on. And then I said, and that's how I make my living.

And then I became a writer.

I became a professional masturbator at the circus.

Um, yeah, yeah. What's up? What'd you say to me? No, nothing. You just accused me of murder. No, no, I was going to say, is there a comp— is there— I don't know, never mind. I don't want it to be in there.

Is there a masturbator at the—

like, no, is there— is there masturbation competitions? I bet there is.

I hope so. Eduardo, there is. I'm not looking this one up. No, he just meant Eduardo. Yeah, he didn't even know you had a computer. What's going on this week in the Valley? Let's just say Eduardo is very skilled. Um, it is so lovely to talk to you, and you, you really are a remarkable individual. I wish we could all be more like you.

And I really— you got my text?

I did. I just read exactly what you wrote. Thank you very much. I read exactly what you texted me. That in there And a great lover. What the fuck is this? You misspelled lover. Yeah, two Vs, always. I love— I've been— I checked out— this is a gardening show. I really like it. I especially love when you incorporate kids in it and you're talking to them. It's the easiest thing. I know, it'd be so funny doing it. And also, you're in a series, The Audacity, which is getting raves. So congrats to you. That's on AMC. And— You— I mean, anytime you're in town, you want to come by and talk to us about anything. Tomorrow's not good for me.

Okay, the next day.

No, I'm here Saturday, starting in 6 years from now. Oh, okay. That's what I meant. Did you end up going to Greece for your— No, we haven't gone to Greece yet for the travel show, but I do want to go there.

It's the best.

Would you go with me if I went?

I, I would pay for half of it. Love to go, but I might take my gardening show there. Okay, next time. But if you do go, please call me because I can point you in. Like, I have first cousins that are still there, so I can point—

they can— oh, like, you should check out the Parthenon, you know. Thanks a lot.

No, they were going to take you to the Hard Rock in Athens, and I just— I hope there's not a Hard Rock Cafe in Athens.

You know, there is.

They're better. I don't think— no, there has to be. The Greeks are not— they're not— they're not capitalists that way. Good. They're not good. They actually, during the European Union, they got really, real— they got really hurt. Yeah. Yeah.

By Northern Europe. I've never been to Greece in my life and I would love to go there.

It's the best. They know how to live. They know how to live.

And so do you. That's right. And so do you. Zach Galifianakis, thank you for being here. I treasure you. I really do. Those aren't cheap. Could you put it back?

No, I'll put— there's a—

So if you just grab one of our—

By the way, I was asking the—

Clean napkins.

There's a comment box here, right?

We took it down just for you. Okay, well, we'll put it back the minute you're gone.

I'll take it to Twitter.

Okay, look, there's some bad blood out here. We have to take care of this. Yes. Uh, I brought up, Sona, that, um, I do a lot of favors for you. I mean, I do a lot of favors for everybody, but, um, you, you get more than your share. Oh my God. Let's revisit this topic. Okay? Ugh. Okay. Sona, you know I love you. I adore you. You're the best. But you're— you're just this bloodsucker. Oh my God. It's draining me dry.

You are awful. You're awful. You're awful.

Are we getting content or not? We are.

But you know what? Every Clueless gamer, do you take that game home with you? Ooh.

I would say no, actually. Maybe only like half the time. Yeah, 85%.

85% of the time when you do a Clueless Gamer for a cool game, you get the game. How is he a favor? Because you get some benefit out of it that's not direct. That's what I'm saying. We all get a lot of fun stuff from this job.

All I'm going to say is he does a lot of favors for you, but you do the greatest. But you, but you, but you, but you do the greatest favor for him. You make him cool. Oh, that's the greatest favor you're doing.

I don't know. Am I doing that?

You do. You do. Yeah. I think, no, people do get excited when you're you're a cool person, um, and you, you know, me, yes, uh, I'm, I guess I'm cool in that I pop Aleve every now and then. Uh, I always drink a lot of water with it. You got to make sure you flush out the system. That's a recommendation that's on the bottle. But, um, wow. No, but I mean, between my Aleve use and your coolness factor, I think we make a good deal.

I don't think they're favors. I think you are paying me back.

What? Oh, yeah.

For all the things I've done for you.

So that means I don't have to pay you financially?

No, you should still do that. Okay. But I also, I don't know, for some people—

You know what? I don't resent these favors for you. I like doing it. And I will say, look, I needed a segment, so I came out swinging. Yes. And it worked because you got really mad. And also, is there some truth in it? Probably. Because in most of my bits, there's a little bit of truth.

This is my nightmare.

And I do a lot of favors for people.

You do.

We have to do a favor for Sona today, for instance, at the end of this. Oh, is that true? Yeah. What's happening today? We have to do— I don't want to run around. No, no, we get to.

That's right.

We get to do a favor for Sona. You know that I like doing things for the Armenian community. You know I like doing that.

They're the ones— you took me to Armenia in 2015.

I tried to leave you there. You know, that was the plan. The plan was to leave you there. And then I was like, shut the door, shut the door. And the pilot didn't shut the door fast enough. And you squirted into the plane. Bloop! And you were like, we're headed back. But the plan was to leave you there.

Well, thank you for doing that. But you shone a light on my beautiful homeland. And since then, you've been kind of an honorary Armenian. They're very excited. You know what I will say?

Armenian people are always very happy to see me. Yes. And they say barev, and I say inch passek. And then they say lavem, and we have like a nice thing going. Yeah. So that's always nice. Yeah. I meet a lot of them in steam rooms. I don't know what that's all about. Several times I've been in a sauna or a steam room and the naked men in there have been Armenian. And we have a nice chat about Armenia. Okay. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's a nice—

see, that's the thing. If you hadn't taken me to Armenia, I don't think you would have been getting as many asks. And I filter a lot, but there are some that I—

And we're doing one today, which is important.

We're doing one today.

And it's because it's an important event. What is it?

It's the Armenian Heritage Walk Gala in Philadelphia, and I'm emceeing it. And, uh, how do you emcee a gala?

Oh, you're going to—

I'm going to Philadelphia.

Oh, I see. There's a benefit and you're going to be up there saying, all right, our next auction item or that kind of thing.

No, no.

It's going to be like honoring people who helped them do it. It's this, it's this permanent installation by the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Do you have jokes written?

I'm not you. I don't, I don't. Well, we know that, but I mean, what about— The bar's really low for me. No, but you got to have some material. You can't, you can't emcee a gala and not have material. That's true. What kind of jokes do they like? I haven't written anything yet. When is it? Soon, right? It's like really soon. Okay. You have to write material. Maybe I would help you. Another favor. But let's—

You can't offer to do something and then say you're doing me a favor.

I can say yes to things and then resent them because that is my true hobby. That you are the best. I say yes to stuff and then I resent it. You know, we got to think of some jokes, you know, about— I have some. Like what? About pomegranates and— What is it about?

I don't want to tell you. I'm nervous. Let's hear it. I think, well, one of the honorees— No, this is stupid. I can't tell you.

Come on. Yes. No, we know. We have to now. This is a judgment-free zone.

We have to. One of the honorees is an Armenian man who's an astronaut. He's— And so I'm going to say, you know, within the last 6 months, we've had one of the greatest moments in space when Katy Perry went up for 10 minutes. That's a good joke. It's a misdirect. That's a good joke. It's a misdirect. That's a good joke. Because everyone's going to think I'm talking about Artemisia.

Are you explaining to me how a misdirect works?

Yes. This is what comedy is, Conan O'Brien.

No, but you know what? I think that's a funny joke. Okay. You know what's another good joke? I-A-N is added to every Armenian name, right? Yeah. So you could say there's some other great celebrities who are Armenian. Katy Perryan. You know, Tom Cruisean. John Travoltian. Yeah. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, this is a good Sabrina Carpenterian. I mean, you know, you could go into that whole thing. Okay. And you could list a whole bunch of celebrities' real names before they shortened them. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay. I like that. Conan O'Brienian. Not so good. It didn't roll off the tongue.

And also, there's already a lot going on with your last name.

You do jokes about some of the other— they're true famous, like Dr. Kevorkian.

Well, there's 6 honorees. So I'm coming up with bits for each one.

Hey, I'm going to kill it at this Armenian gala even more than your previous host, Dr. Kevorkian.

Oh God. Right. Oh God. Yeah. Conan. That's a good joke. He killed people. I know. I know.

Yeah. He's the pride of the Armenian people. Don't say that. Did he drive around in a van and do it? I forget how he did it.

You know what? Nowadays, euthanasia is not looked at as poorly as it was before. He was a pioneer.

Well, his name was Dr. Death and he drove around in a van. But yeah, you're right. He was a pioneer. No, ending people's lives is all cool now.

They wanted to end them. They were all— weren't they all terminally ill? All right. You're taking—

You're leading us down a dark road. I'm gonna kill it up here. I'm gonna be Armenian host who kills it the fastest since Dr. Kevorkian. That's funny. That's a good joke.

Oh God.

And then you say, by the way, other, uh, you know, famous, and then it's Dr. Perry, you know what I mean? You know, the singer Sia. Sia. Sian is a good one. I mean, we're coming up with good material right here. You're gonna kill at this thing. I know. Oh, I could come out as a character. What? Yes, I could be a character. I could come out like as an old Armenian lady and then, you know, and I do a character.

Oh, that won't be offensive at all. No, it's not at all. Let me hear your old Armenian lady. Hello, it's nice to be here.

I dried the apricots and flattened them and now we're eating them.

I knew it was going to be a dry fruit thing.

No, but whatever. It would kill. Yeah. And guess what? I'm going to fly out. I'm going to write this material and I'm going to do this on the gala. And then I'm really going to resent you. And say it was a fail. Those who are given much are expected to give much. And it's clear that I've been gifted with some divine powers, and, uh, so I must, uh, spend my time on this earth, um, doing favors for Sonam Sethian. I think that's the rule here. But, um, you know I love you. You know I care about you. Do you? Do you? As a bit, I do.

Oh, that's nice. Well, thank you. I love you too, as a bit.

Love you as a bit. Bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avcessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Erin Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Joe Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get 3 free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.