Transcript of Hack Those Sticky Eyes!

And welcome back to WSHIT's Focus on Community, a follow-up on a story 22 years in the making. Long-time Crab Apple residents will remember the short-lived but meaningful Russian Exchange Student program that tugged at the hearts and the souls of the citizens of this great Township. And some with a keen mind will recall the very first Russian Exchange student, 42-year-old Roman Rachmaninovok. Roman was just a rather fresh-face middle-aged man studying opera at the local Community College of Crab Apple when he lost his chin, part of his tongue and most of his nose in a terrible massage-related accident at Tina Tannen Trees. While Tina Tannen Trees continues to deny culpability, Roman harbors no ill feelings and made a triumphant return to the Crab Apple Community Theater this afternoon to give a rousing performance. And with very little pun, Crab Apple took this one on the chin. Here now, Roman with the Crab Apple Community Volunteer Orchestra, covering the Beatles, Let It Be.

When I find myself in tribes of tribal, my domeric comes to me, speaking quets of wisdom, let it be.

Until my arm and darkness be standing right in front of me, speaking quets of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. He is still in the heads of wisdom, let it be.

And when the light is cloud, there is still the light that shines on me. Shone until tomorrow, Let 't be. I wake up to the sounds of music, now the memory comes to me. We can grab to the wisdom, let it be.

He may not be able to smell what you're cooking or put on a helmet properly, but on behalf of the Township of Crab Apple, let 't be, let 't be, let 't be, let 't be.

Now I'm feeling the sound, let 't be. Now I'm feeling the sound, let 't be. Say, Postravina.

On this episode of the Commercial Break. If there was a secret that you could use, some magic fire. And on occasion, I will admit, on occasion, a hack All on occasion. It's usually something your grandma was doing way back when. Exactly.

How to clean the microwave out with steam.

It's like some weird tribal writing in a cave. It's been lost for a generation, but now we found it again. That's so true. Like, Lemon and vinegar really does clean. Noémie taught us that one, and we're still surprised that vinegar's cleaning the house. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Yeah, guys and kittons, welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Oatley. Best of you, Chris. Best of you, Brian. Best of you out there on the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of this, The Commercial Break. The only one you're going to need. The only one you'll ever need. Five minutes or less. Rob Dogget. I like that little finger movement you did, too. You like that? When I got a Pooped in. You have to check that on youtube. Com/thincomersialbrick. Hey, that guy who does Dr. Phil. Is it Ryan Long who does Dr. Phil? Do you know I'm talking about the comedian who does the Dr. Phil Live show? No. Have you seen this? I think we've about it briefly on the show.

There's another podcaster and comedian. I think his name is Ryan Long, and he gets a bald cap on. He dresses up like Dr. Phil, and he does a whole live show called Dr. Phil Live, where he goes up and he pretends he's Dr. Phil. He talks to celebrities. He interacts with the audience. It's really funny, but my impression is better. That's all I got to say. Okay? You want to do a Phil off? We'll do a Phil off. I can do a fill off. This is going to be a changing day in your I'm telling you right now. Grass green around the other side, isn't it? Dr. Phil has found his way into controversy and infamy. He has been quite the nudnik as of late running around. What happened at the Dr. Phil show? Couldn't he continue to do that? I don't know.

That was okay. I don't know. I think- My mom liked it. My mom was in there. I think it might have run its course, but for him to jump straight into ice, catching people.

What are you doing? Catching and near the border? It's just make sure everything's going okay. Oh, really? Okay. All right, Dr. Phil. Yeah, this is the part that really gets me. I'm not going to go off on a tangent, so stay tuned. Don't press pause just yet. Not going to go off on a tangent. I'm just going to say this, and this will be it. It surprises me, and it infuriates me at times how content creators and other celebrities are just jumping over themselves to lick the balls of political figures that otherwise we would have just had a a healthy distrust of. I don't know, a little bit of, I don't know, like a little bit of, I don't think I trust that guy because he's a politician. But now everybody's like, licking the balls as quick as they can. I get it because you certainly don't want to be on the bad side of a certain political party that may or may not exact revenge upon you. But then at the same time, shouldn't we have a little healthy for our politicians and our higher-ups in our government? It doesn't matter who's in power.

They're on both sides. They're all going to fuck you. You might as well just keep one eye open when you're dealing with these people and to just run to get in the middle of the fray and the fruckus so that you can They could- Well, he had plenty of money, I'm sure.

Why did he need to- Dr. Phil? Yeah. Why did he need to get back out there? Go enjoy yourself on an island somewhere.

Him and Judge Judy were the number one syndicated television shows in daytime TV And daytime TV pays a shit load of money because it gets syndicated all over the place. And they throw those, I don't know, Tide commercials in there, and everybody loves it. General Mills and Tide, they all spend their money in the afternoon, and that's big money. You can make a Dr. Phil show, probably for 50,000. If you have the set ready, you could probably make it without Phil's salary. You could probably make it for 50,000 bucks.

Well, it was Oprah's set anyways, right?

Yeah, it was Oprah. It was doing it with Oprah. Thanks, Oprah. See, even Oprah, you should have a healthy disdain and distress for it. Now, I like Oprah. I I don't know her, but I can't say too much. I like Oprah because my mom liked Oprah. Oh, I love Oprah. I love Oprah because my mom, ballsy a woman as she is, decided to do the following. Let me tell you the story. There is a famous period of time with the Oprah Winfrey show when Oprah was everything. Oprah was everything in the '90s. Everything. They used to run these commercials, and here was the tagline. It was like a promo commercial for Oprah, and they'd be clips of her show, and there'd be a little diddy in the background, and that diddy was, Oprah's on. Got to make it because Oprah's on. Oprah's on. Got to make it because Oprah's on. The thing was, everybody was saying, Oh, Oprah's on. We got to go watch Oprah. My mom picked us up from school one time, 3: 00. That carpool was no joke. Sometimes you get stuck there until 3: 15, 3: 30, just waiting for your kids to get to your car.

It was a holy shit of a process like it is now with my kids. It's like, holy fuck, this is so inefficient. Why do we do it this way? But anyway, that's not for me to decide. That's for me to suffer through. I'm not going to decide things. I'm going to suffer through. My mom picks us up. Swear to God, driving through my neighborhood, and there are a number of stop signs, but we're in this neighborhood that no cop has ever visited for any reason besides maybe some drama that happened inside the neighborhood. Cops don't sit there and clock people. It's a neighborhood, like a private neighborhood. Well, my mom blows through a stop sign, and when the cop pulls her over, my mom is so agitated that she tells the police officer Can you hurry up? Oprah's on. My mom had to make it to see Oprah. She's willing to kill her kids.

Did he? Did he speed things up?

He did not speed things up. In fact, I think he slowed them down. I would say so. Yes, because that's the way it works. It's not a great excuse. But my mom had been watching Oprah since we were kids in Chicago when she had a non-syndicated show, when it was just broadcast locally. It was a different type of show back then. But I just remember my mom would cry at the Oprah show. She would laugh at the Oprah. It was like, Oprah was her best friend. For me, as a little child, as a toddler and a little kid watching this- She was Auntie Oprah. She was what? Auntie Oprah. Auntie Oprah. That's what it felt like. Yes, it felt like I had an extra aunt, and her name was Oprah, and Oprah was omnipresent in our lives, and whatever Oprah said went. I have an affinity for Oprah. It doesn't mean that Oprah has done all the most wonderful things in the world, including hoarding land in Hawaii. But okay, let's get past that. She dropped a holy shit bomb on us twice, not once, but twice, with Dr. Phil and then Dr. Oz. God damn it.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, Oprah? Really?

Dr. Phil? Well, they morphed into people that were not who they portrayed themselves to be in the beginning, I think.

I didn't see the Oprah Winfreet network running from that. Do you know what I'm saying? They collected that cash. That's all I got to say. I didn't see her running from that. Dr. Phil, listen, at first Dr. Phil?

Yeah, you have straight talk.

Straight talk, Dr. Phil. My husband's cheating on my wife's, cheating on my uncle, cheating on my brother, and he'd be like, This is going to be a change of day in your life. Do you think you should be sticking your dick in your mother? No. That's right. You shouldn't be sticking your dick in your mother. Let's talk turkey here, guys and girls. We shouldn't be sticking dicks in our mothers. You understand? You agree with me? Everybody be like, Oh, finally, someone said it. You shouldn't have sex with your mother. It was Dr. Phil, and we were all like, Dr. Phil, it was straight talk when it's needed. That's right. But then it turned into like, Catch me outside, girl. I was like, Catch me outside. He was doing...

It was straight up- Well, as we know, content is hard to consistently keep up with. I think they all turn the way of the crazy- Jerry Springer show.

That's right. They devolve. If you've watched the Jerry Springer Netflix documentary, which is very good, by the way, then you'll see how quickly that happened, because guess what? That's where the ratings are. We love a train wreck. To me, Dr. Phil, toward the end, a lot of it was just like poverty porn, if I'm being honest. It was just bringing on a lot of people who didn't have a lot of money, were in tough situations that probably any of us could find ourselves in, but they happened to be in it, and then exploiting that situation for ratings, sometimes in three or four episodes. But Ryan Long does a pretty funny Dr. Phil. I will say that.

Back to the- Be funny.

Back to Ryan Long. Be funny. Be funny. Be funny. I'll tell you what's not funny, Chrissy. Oh. Puke. Puke is not funny. I don't find puke to be funny. I hate puke. Who loves it? Well, I mean, I don't think there's any- That one. I don't know. There are puke lovers out there. There is a sexual fetish. No. Yes. I'm not even kidding. Not even joking.

I cannot believe you put that in my mind.

Yeah. Well, hey, listen, I'm not putting it in your vagina. I'm just putting it in your mind. There's a sexual fetish out there for people who puke. They like to be puked on. That's a thing. I don't know. I know. Absolutely horrid. We all went to school, and every school had that bag of orange-flaved sawdust that they would throw on puke that did nothing but make the puke smell like orange-flaved puke. Yeah, it was bad. That's it.

It was bad. I could still get a whiff of that.

Oh, yeah. I still smell it to this day. As a matter of fact, I went into my kid's school the other day, and there was a pile of that orange. It was present. Yeah, They still use the same shit to suck up the puke.

Can't they use OxyClean or something?

Yeah. Isn't there something, like a puke machine? Don't they have a puke robot that comes and I will now clean up your puke? Or something. There should be. We need to That's what I'm saying. Boston Dynamics needs to invent. Screw all that soldier bullshit. Invent a robot that goes and cleans up puke on your behalf without making it smell like orange deodorant puke.

Do you know what I'm saying? There's got to be somehow like a carpet, like the bissel steam, the green thing that you can use. There's got to be something. Like combine a Roomba and a steam cleaner. Yes.

It's got a big mouth on the bottom of it, like a fish mouth, and it just sucks up the puke. It puts it in a bag, like a sanitary bag, and then it drives it to a far off location and puts it on a rocket and sends it to outer space. It explodes. Yeah, it explodes. That's right. Because puke and shit. I mean, if you know me, if you listen to the show, then you will know that I just have a real problem with peepee, poopoo, and puke. It's like bodily fluids are not my thing at all.

Then you had 30 kids.

Then I had 30 kids. Now it's coming out of every direction. It really is. It was a couple of years ago when two of my kids got sick at the exact same moment, and Astrid happened to be out with her friends that night, and they got sick at the exact same moment. One sat up out of bed, shot up like something out of the exorcist, and just started projectile vomiting. Then the other one who was in the same bed rolled over and started vomiting over the side of the bed within seconds of each other. It was insane. Here I am carrying both kids, running into the bathroom, disrobing them, putting them in the shower. Well, that was a couple of years ago, and then we I heard the projectile vomiting incident on the way home from my dad's house one time where the entire car was full of puke. I mean, my kid could not stop throwing up. It was projectile and it was gross. Well, the other night, as I do, Chrissy, I was taking my third shower of the day. That's my wrap-up shower, my wrap-up shower for the night, try and relieve some of my high blood pressure.

I stand in the shower for 30 to 40 minutes catching up on whatever television I haven't had an opportunity to watch yet. I'm taking a shower. It's 11 o'clock, 11: 30 at night, and the door is closed. The door to my bedroom, the bathroom is closed, and I hear the most ungodly bang, like boom, just a crashing sound. I was, holy shit, what was that? Because everybody was asleep. Then as soon as I scream, what was that? Astrid comes popping through the door like a fucking Kool-Aid man, crashing through the door with one of my kids holding her, facing forward, arms outstretched, and all I can see is just puke just pouring out of this child's mouth. I'm like, Oh, no, no, no, no, I say, Give her to me. Why I said that? I have no idea, but I just thought I was trying to be helpful. Yeah, I didn't think she would actually do it. She gives her to me fully clothed. I'm in the shower completely naked, and now I've got this kid that's puking all over the place in my hands, fully clothed, now sopping wet. I undress her real quick in the shower.

I put the clothes off to the side in the shower, and I throw her up over the top of my shoulder, and I'm just like, rocking her back and forth like, Oh, it's okay. It's okay. She's crying and she's upset because this is like one of the first times I think she's actually puked as a toddler. The warm water is running on top of her. The warm water will calm her down. Then I can just feel it, Chrissy. I can just feel the warm, silky smooth flavors of macaroni and cheese and birthday cake running down the back of my body. I look over my shoulder and she's just like all over my back. It's just dripping into the shower. I'm in a mess now, and I don't know what to do. How will I get out? What will I do? Do I throw the child over the shower glass and hope that they land on their feet? Do I scream? This is now a choose your own adventure in my mind. Do I call Astrid and take her to take this puking baby out of my hands? Or do I just man up, let her puke on me, and clean her up when she gets done and hope that everything turns out okay?

Well, I would have yelled to Astrid, but Astrid was cleaning the puke from the bed, waking all the kids up and taking them off the beds and cleaning the puke. She had puked all throughout the whole bedroom. It was disgusting. It was awful. The worst part about it was it had that smell. Sometimes you puke and it's got a smell, but it's not that bad. Then sometimes you puke and it smells like it's been ruminating for a couple of days. Do you know what I'm saying? That distinct throw-up smell. This was that. This was that. It was. Now I'm full of it. She's full of it. The clothes are in the corner. There's puke all over the shower floor. What do I do? Well, I just decide to man up and let it happen. Yeah, you have to. Okay.

You can't risk getting another area of the bathroom, pukey.

Well, that's the thing is that- I might as well just let it all happen in the one place.

Enter I'm in the showers. And I'm in the shower, so it's running down.

Yeah, it's running down into the drain, which is lovely. You can clean that up later. Yeah, clean that up later. Well, I unscrewed the drain and I just let it wash down. Listen, whatever. It's going to the same place, right? It's going to the same place as the toilet water. What do I give a shit at the end of the day? My kid is small, relatively, so it wasn't huge volumes of throw-up. It wasn't like I just had 13 bud lights that threw up all over the floor. I just let it happen, and then I rock her in my arms for 20 minutes while Astrid is cleaning up the thing. I mean, the shower is just going and I'm there with the thought that someone has just thrown up on me and I'm in the shower. I can't tell you the pins and needles running up and down my back and my arm, that feeling like, Oh, get it off me, get it off me. I know it's off me because I've been sitting in the shower for 20 minutes, but I can't get rid of the thought that someone had thrown up on me.

It's not a stranger. It's your child. She's a stranger when she's throwing That's not my child. That's some demon child. That's some demon animal that's throwing fire out of her mouth. She might as well be a boli virus as far as I'm concerned. It was disgusting. That was my thought, too. It's like, what if she has a virus? You know that awful 24-hour stomach bug that you get? Yeah, that's bad. Where your body- We both had that.

What? Six months ago or so? At different times and in different households.

It feels like August or October of last year. It happened. Sometime in the late summertime.

I was surprised. I mean, you rarely as an adult get that. Rarely. But when it is just, I hate to throw up. I hate it. To begin with. I hate it.

Then when it's uncontrollable, and you're just, you're laying down and then getting back up and laying down, get back up.

When you are a kid- I'm never being like, There's nothing left.

There wasn't anything left, but I continued to go. Yeah, I continued to go in wretch. That's the worst part, is I'd almost rather have something in there than wretch That's the bile, that green fucking bile.

Oh, no, not that.

Yeah. But luckily, this was not that, so to speak. This was, I think, a combination of foods. We went to a birthday party, there was ice cream and cake and cookies and Doritos. The whole birthday party. Yeah, and you just let them do it. A lot of jumping, running. Running, jumping, bouncing. Oh, it was at a trampoline park, too. There you go. So there you go. Bouncing up and down. That was it. Of course, dad's always spinning the kids around for some reason, throwing them on the bed. That's my type of play with them. I just pick them up and throw them on the bed. I'm like, Hey, there you go.

It is fun.

This was not a virus-related thing. I think it was just a tummy ache type of thing. But man, I'll tell you what, and I am so glad it wasn't, because all I could think about laying down that night was Please don't wake up in the middle of the night like I did six months ago. Yes. That was the time the kid, one of our children, was puking in the car. It was July because it was one of my kids' birthdays. The next birthday was just a couple of days later, and we missed any activities for that birthday because we were so incredibly sick. Astrid and I got it almost within 12 hours of each other, and we were both- I remember that. Hugging the porcelain. I mean, just begging for mercy. The kids Then the kids got better, and Astrid and I were still sick. We were still sick.

I remember that. Which was just terrible. You're like, We can't record.

Oh, my God. I was like, Go to McDonald's, buy all the happy meals you can, buy the movies. I don't care how little money we Just send them to Six Flags. Get a babysitter, put them on a bus, send them down, send them to the airport and back. I don't care. It doesn't matter. All reasoning goes when you're that sick, you don't give a shit. You just want your children to leave you the fuck alone. Please, please. But no, there's no rest for the wicked. No. Those kids don't stop. As a matter of fact, the worse off you are, the more irritating they get because they understand they have an inherent sick sense. They know you're sick, and they won't leave you alone.

It's like being on the phone, too. Yes. You know you've got an important phone call. Being on the phone.

Daddy. Yes. The one time as a parent, I've been hungover was the worst parenting day ever. Not only because I was hung over, but because they knew it. They had an instinct. They did. They were like a cat. They have cat-like reflexes, and they jump on you and they pounce. They're like, Hey, Daddy. And you're like, My brain's about to bleed. Oh, really? Peppa Pig Can I turn on Peppa Pig on volume 50? Sure. Okay, no problem, I guess. It's 6: 15 in the morning. Time to wake up. Daddy just got home at 3: 00. I know. When we come to a parent to a daddy, Oh, excuse me while I vomit on you. It was terrible.

Maybe there needs to be one of those children's shows that's educational and where they mimic a a hungover parents and what to do, what the child should be doing, which is be very quiet. Be very quiet. Make up a little song, a little parents are hungover song. Yeah.

Is Bluey going to do an episode on a hungover mommy and daddy? They should. In that movie, we need to put a section of that movie dedicated to hungover. They haven't dealt with hungover yet, but I could see Bluey and Bandit doing this really well. You're right about this. Sesame Street needs to do an episode on mommy and daddy being hungover.

Yes, or sick. Or sick. Yeah, either way, same thing.

Yeah, so mommy and daddy can get back to drinking. Listen, I have one friend in particular who did this the entirety of raising his children, but he had a wife that always took care of the children. Do you know what I'm saying? He always had an out. He had a card. He would always say, I got to go to work, maybe I got to brainstorm about my work. I got to do a brainstorming sesh, which meant five days worth of cocaine and two bottles of whiskey an hour and cigarettes and all things. He would always call me and he'd be like, Bro, I got to do a brainstorming sesh. One time I caught him out on my porch at 5: 30 in the morning, son's just coming right up and he's out there on his computer, cigarettes, five cigarettes in his mouth. Lines cut on a mirror. I solved the key. I solved the key to all the things that I need to see. Then he slept for two days. He slept for two days and went out. That's how it works. All right, I got lots more to to talk about. We'll be back.

Hey, it's Rachael, your new voice of God here on TCB.

And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears, and I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast. Com and visiting the Contact Us page. You can also find the entire Commercial Break library, audio and video, just in case you want to look at Christie at tcbpodcast. Com. Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212 433 3TCB. That's 212 433 3822. Tell us how much you love us and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine, too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text. We'll respond. Now, I'm going to go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors. And then we'll return to this episode of Commercial break.

Hey, you out there in the podcast universe, I'm dropping in to share with you a podcast that I am currently enjoying. I only agree to this a couple of times a year because let's face it, I really want all the attention on me and my show. But Odyssey Our Network has dropped a true gem. All right, some free word association here. Young adults looking to have the time of their life, billions of dollars in free flowing revenue, secret administrators who will do anything to avoid bad press, and cover-ups with endless twists and turns. Put them all together, mix them up, and you've got the wild universe of college campus life. And now, the Odyssey Original podcast, Campus Files, takes a deep dive into some of the wildest scandals that have taken place within colleges and universities across this country. While these universities are attracting some of America's brightest minds, some of the most absurd things are happening there. The rigged admissions, the sports scandals, and of course, a good Greek life drama. Who doesn't enjoy a good Greek life drama? The Campus Files podcast is exposing the stories you will not hear on the campus tours.

Listen and follow Campus Files, an Odyssey original podcast available now on the free Odyssey app or wherever you're listening to podcasts. And thanks to Odyssey for supporting good content and great content creators. All right, we're back. You know, Christie, I'm always looking out for the listener. I'm always thinking about the listener. I like to think that I'm selflessly thinking about the listener as I'm trailing around any pictures and making sure that the world of Instagram is nippleless. But sometimes I come across a trend that I think is important for some of our listeners to know. I think we have a few single listeners out there. I hear from them every once in a while. I get a text message or an email. And just by the nature of the email, you can tell that they're single or they should be single.

Or there's a reason they're single.

Or there's a reason they're single. There's a trend on TikTok and Instagram going on right now. There's a girl who is taught everybody something called the Sticky Eyes. Have you heard about the Sticky Eyes? I have not. Okay, let me let her explain in her own words. How's that? I'm going to put this up to the microphone because we don't have somebody to play this for us.

Okay, wait one more second. Sticky Eyes.

Sticky Eyes. Here we go.

This is one of my most powerful hacks. This is how to get anyone to come up to you in a bar or in a social setting. This is called Sticky Eyes. I invented this in college. It is so powerful that usually while I'm demonstrating to someone how to do it, I end up just doing it. I'm not even giving it my all.

First of all, there's no humility with this girl. I mean, she is. I invented this? I invented it. You invented eyes? Did you invent eyes? Let's see what she has to say.

I'm going to tell you how the hack works, and then I'm going to tell you why it works. Okay? It's a simple formula. You pick your target, you stare at them until they look back at you. Once you make eye contact, you look away like you've been caught. Okay? Now, here is the next very important part. The next time that you look at them and they meet your eyes again, don't look away. Let them break first because they're going to check to see if you were really looking at me. The second look will confirm that you were. This time, you're going to have to hold it uncomfortably long. They have to look away first for this to work. Once they look away, you never look at them again. In In about 45 seconds, they will be right in front of you as if they have been summoned psychically by you.

Okay, this sounds just as dumb as anything Michael Anthony has ever said.

Yeah, I was going to say, I feel like that's a take on whoever we were listening to that said, Just go up and stare at them.

Yeah, just cornered them. Put an arm up so they can't get away. I mean, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Stare at them uncomfortably long and they'll come right to you? With a police officer, maybe? I mean, how many What restraining orders do you have, young lady? This is weird. You don't just stare at somebody uncomfortably long. That is a weird notion that that would work.

It was a two-part, it was a two-pronged approach.

Yeah, you first look away and then stare at them.

Yeah, stare at them until they look at you, then quickly look away. Then Looking at you. Then when they look back, then that's when you just stare. And then, wait, it was actually a three-pronged approach, right?

Because- Then they will come right to you.

No, well, then you look away and then you never look at them again.

Don't look Never look again. Throughout the entire relationship, look down at your feet. I noticed you staring at me. Nope, my shoes. Those are my feet. What the fuck?

Yeah, okay. So how is that even supposed to work? Then they just come up to you and say what? It doesn't work.

This girl, for some reason, thinks she's got some magic because she stared at a guy and he came to her. Yeah, okay. Guys are pretty fucking dumb in general. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, she's a pretty girl. You give a guy any... Yeah, she's a pretty girl. I mean, she's attractive. If you have that girl staring at you and you're at a bar and you're single, of course, you're going to come hither. I mean, that's it. That's the thing. Guys aren't... This is the thing, ladies. Guys are really not a riddle. We're not a mystery. In case you haven't figured it out yet, we're pretty open as far as books are concerned. We're pretty open books. If you give us any amount of positive attention or negative attention, it's likely we're going to come hither like a puppy dog if we're single, because that's just what we do. There's no magic to that. You could just go up to a guy and say, I think you're attractive. Come have a drink with me. If a guy has half a head on his shoulders and he's single and available or in a relationship that's ethically non-monogamous or whatever you're calling it these days, then, of course, he's going to come hang out with you.

Do you know how many times this same trick has worked on me? None. You want to know why? I didn't give a girl a chance to have the second stare. After the first stare, I was buying her a drink. That was it. Yeah. Look at me once. I was literally scanning the bar for anyone to look at me. If you looked at me, you got a free bud light. That's what happened. You play the odds. You sent over bud light no matter what. Just bud light, bud light, bud light. If you don't like bud light, you're not for me. Then move on to the next one. That's it.

I saw you in action.

I saw this happen. Was I in action? Boy, I would stare at the ladies. It was usually the bartender. It was usually the bartender. It was uncomfortable. Who'd ask to change shifts. She'd be texting somebody. She'd be like, Can you cover my shift? Brian's back. That guy's the guy. The guy who stares? Yeah, that guy who stares. This is not a good idea. I don't know why this is so complicated. Be yourself. Do your thing. Don't be a fucking creep ball. Don't be staring people endlessly until you try and zoom them in with your magical powers. Just go and have a conversation with somebody. If it works, if there's magic, you'll know it. If there's no magic, you'll know that, too. If there's magic that you're feeling and she's not or he's not, well, you'll figure that one out eventually. That one will come to you eventually.

Well, everybody's looking for a hack, quote, unquote, too. I see a lot of this could be anything. Cleaning hack, cooking hack, dating hack. We've hacked it. We've hacked it. It's a shortcut. We've done it. Most of the time- There's no hack.

It's not a hack. There's no hack. Yeah, I've seen all the cooking and cleaning hacks. How do you clean a dead body out of your basement? It doesn't work. Tried it. How do you make a million dollars podcast and tried it? Doesn't work. A money hack. A money hack, yeah.

Investing hack.

Investment hacks. Listen, if there was a secret that you could use, some magic Fire. On occasion, I will admit, on occasion, a hack works.

On occasion.

It's usually something your grandma was doing way back when.

Exactly, like how to clean the microwave out with steam.

Some weird tribal writing in a cave that's been lost for a generation, but now we found it again. That's so true. Like, Lemon and vinegar really does clean. Noémie taught us that one, and we're still surprised that vinegar the house better than any cleaning solution we've ever used. Here's the reality. I had an idea for a segment that we could do named We Did It So You Don't Have To. Take a life hack, do it here, see if it works, and then we'll all really do the test. If I have been fooled once by the Rubik's Cube hack videos, I've been fooled a million times by them. Do you know these videos that go around? You can solve any Rubik's Cube by twisting it three times this way, four times that way, seven times this way. Chrissy, I've spent hours in that kitchen dissecting those videos. I must be doing something wrong. I must be doing something wrong. And then I go to the comments section and it's like, yeah, that works if you take an already completed Rubik's Cube and do that in reverse and start there. So every one of them is fake.

Every one of them is a lie. There is no hack for the Rubik's Cube. I mean, there are tricks to get it done quicker, but you just have to know how to solve a Rubik's Cube, which unfortunately, my pea brain wasn't able to do in my best of years. It's not going to be able to do in my worst of years. I'm on the downslide. I'm not going to be able to complete a Rubik's Cube. I don't care. I'm throwing it out. There's no hack to finding love. There is no hack to relationships. It's about meeting someone with mutual respect, trust, and admiration, and trying your best on a daily basis to keep it par, to keep that par. Trust, respect, admiration. That's it. That's the hack. The hack is be a fucking good partner. If you're a good partner, you'll have a good partner. It really is pretty simple. I've tried all the relationship hacks. Dating people who are a little off kilter because they're really good in bed, but you'll make it work, don't Don't worry about it. No, doesn't work. Date your best friend. No, doesn't work. I don't know. Pay for sex.

Still didn't work. I paid for it and I didn't get it.

I paid for it and I did. The two girls with the The ménage à toi that you were in.

Menage a Trois. They kicked you out. They kicked me out of the bedroom. I was the only one left without an orgasm, and I had no involvement in the other orgasms. So there you go. Wasn't fun, okay? There's no magic secret There's no hack to relationships.

Yeah, communication. Yes. Respect.

Fact. Trust. Trust, yeah. Yeah. All those things that you hear about that are so hard to do.

That's the hack.

That's the hack. Do the hard work. You got to get it right. Yes. Listen, Esther and I, as of yesterday, have known each other face to face. The first time we met face to face, 10 years ago.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you very much. We've been over 10 years talking to each other. People will ask, and when I say people, I mean dignitaries and presidents around the world, prime ministers. They will ask- Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil, How do you do it, Brian? How do you have a relationship with so little friction? Well, first of all, be I'm not going to be a podcaster who spends most of his time. Let me tell you, funny side note. At the beginning of this podcast, if you listen to it, you will be reminded that Brian would often come in and say, I think I'm one step from divorce because I'm spending so much time on the podcast. Last night, Astrid encouraged me to spend more time with the podcast. Don't you have some work to do? Yeah. Well, she's like, Oh, we can get rid of that. We don't need that. You can do the work, right? And I'm like, That means more time in the studio. It'll be okay for a period of time. I like my shows by myself now. I know.

I have to say, I'm on Astrid's page because Jeff works long hours. He does work from home. A lot of times he's gone to Memphis, but he works from home a lot. I have morphed. I used to get so upset like, Well, what about let's eat. It's time. I've cooked this dinner. It's time to eat. I want to watch this show, blah, blah, blah. Now I am like, Just do your thing, honey.

Just do your thing. I like it by myself.

Yeah. I want to watch Love is Blind, and I'll call you when dinner's ready and you can eat or not. Yes. I'm eating, whether you're not.

Whether you're ready or not, whether you want to eat or not.

You can go back to work after that. Feel free. In fact, I get another episode of Love is Blind.

There you go. See, here's the thing that I've learned about relationships. The ebb and flow like every other thing, right? Like friendships, every relationship in life, business, friendship, whatever. There's usually some ebb and flow. At first, you can't get enough of each other. Then you're mad because you aren't getting enough of each other. And then you learn that I've had enough of you.

Yes, it's okay.

Then you learn I've, in fact, had enough of you.

Well, rather than fight it, rather than hate. You know what? The work that you're doing on the podcast is good for the whole family. Same with Jeff. That's it. It makes him happy, makes you happy, the work that you're doing. That's it. That's what you want for your partner.

I don't know if it makes me happy, but it gives me purpose. We laugh. Let's put it that way. We laugh. We do laugh. That's it. How do you make a relationship It lasts for 10 years? I can count on one hand the amount of blowouts that Astrid and I have had. Those blowouts were compared to some other relationships I have. Those were like a conversation on a Tuesday afternoon. That was a good day for some of the relationships that I had because the blowouts last very little time because we have a mutual respect and trust and admiration for each other. We know we understand how each other ticks.

Throw a little dash of humor into it, too. That's it. Laught at yourself.

Laught at yourself.

Laught at them.

Laught at your small penis and your inability to give the other person an orgasm. Laught at that stuff. That's funny to you. That's funny. That's funny, babe. Look, it's been 10 years, no orgasms. Isn't that funny? Call Guinness Book of World. Call the It's a fuck of world records. Ten-year relationship, zero orgasms. We'll get there. We're working on it, babe.

We're working on it. It's a marathon.

To which she says, I'll be in the bedroom. Go back to your studio. I'll be working on my orgasm while you work on your shit, whatever that is you're doing in there. Listen, this is not complicated. Sticky eyes doesn't work because it worked for this young girl who is attractive and probably- At a bar in college. Yeah, at a bar in college. Come on. At a bar in college. You could literally... I mean, I hate to tell this story, but I'm going to tell it because why not? I've already told every story. When Christie and I worked at Clear channel, there was a guy that sat in the office next to me, and he was a huge Clemson fan because he went to Clemson. Clemson, Clemson, Clemson. Everything's about Clemson. Clemson. Christie, you can see the Clemson game?

I want to say his name.

Yeah, I want to say his name because if I said the name and then I did the voice, it would make perfect sense. But he was married, he had kids. He just sounded funny, right? But we loved him. He was a great guy. He was. Yeah, but he'd be like, Hey, Brian, you ever been to a Clemson game? And I'd be like, A Clemson game? No, I haven't been to a Clemson game. I I very rarely stepped foot on a college campus, if I'm being honest. He'd be like, I'll take you to a Clemson game. You love a Clemson game. The Clemson games are so much fun. After a year of haggling me and after a divorce and being beat up at Clear channel every day, seven days a week, forever. Projections, projections, protections, protections. Your protections are up, your protections are down. How many projections do you have? Give me more of your protections. Meetings every morning, 7: 00 in the morning. I finally I relented. I said, Well, because he kept on saying, You got to come to a Clemson game. I take the kids and we set up the thing and we got a nice place and you love it.

It's Clemson. I'm like, Oh, it's a beautiful campus. It's a party. I got my own spot and I paid for it and it's over near your Listen, I'm like, I don't know what anything you're talking about. It doesn't sound like a ton of fun to go to a Clemson game with your family. He had two young kids at the time.

I didn't have any. Tailgating, do all that.

Tailgating the whole thing. But I liked the guy. He was a friend of mine and he was good to me, and I think I was a friend to him. After a year of the nonstop talk about Clemson, I said, All right, I'll go to a Clemson. Well, you got to go to Homecoming with me. Homecoming is going to be so much fun. I was like, Okay. He's like, I don't have a ticket for you, but you can jump over the Turnstile. I'm like, Jump over the turnstile? What am I, 12? I'm going to jump over the turnstile. Am I a hooligan looking to get in a real Madrid match? What am I doing here? Saturday afternoon arrives. I'm going to meet him at his house, and we're going to all drive over to Clemson, which is like a two-hour drive from Atlanta. This is all going to make sense when I tell you the rest of the story after the break. We'll be back.

Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the Commercial Break. Text or call us, 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website, be podcast. Com for all the audio, video, and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos at youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. And finally, share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian? That really wasn't that difficult, now, was it? You're welcome.

Okay, Christie and I were talking about a trend, a reel that's trending on Instagram and TikTok. A hack. A hack. Now, how to get someone to come hither at a college bar by staring at them until they get uncomfortable and finally come your way and approach you with a security officer. We were talking about that, and we were explaining how that's probably not the solution for a relationship. And then Christie said, Plus at a college bar. I mean, a college bar where everybody is smashed and looking for a one-night stand, basically. Not everybody, but most people. I mean, we've all been to a college bar. We know what happens at a college bar. Everybody gets drunk and laid. That's what happens at a college bar. I was explaining that in my early '30s, I have this guy who's working at the office next to me, and he has gone to Clemson. He's a Clemson guy. He's got a Clemson tailgate spot that he pays for every year, season tickets. He's been begging me to go to a game for over a year. So finally, I say yes. I show up at his house. He's already pre-gaming it.

Wife's pregnant, by the way. She's going to be driving the car. Two small kids already. We're going into a van or something. I'm like, Yeah. I just cracked the bud lights immediately. This game, by the way, is at 3: 00 PM. It's 11: 00 in the morning. We're heading out there. He's like, This is going to be the greatest thing ever. You've never seen a Clemson game? Clemson's going to... You're going to love it. It's awesome. I'm like, Okay, great. We're going to Clemson game. We get there, two-hour drive. We have roadies. The kids are in the car and we're pouring bud lights into these plastic cups and drinking on the way to the Clemson game. I swear to God, Clemson flags the entire way Everybody's doing the same thing. Everyone's heading to Clemson. It's like a big exitus from Atlanta to Clemson. We go and we park in the trees, in the shadow of the stadium. It's pretty impressive. I've never been to a college football game at that point in my life. Never. I'm getting excited. I'm like, All right. We pop soap in the back. There's a bunch of people that are parked around us in this plot of grass, and everybody knows everybody.

Hey, what you doing? Hey, Clemson. Where's Clemson? Where's Homecoming, homecoming, Clemson. Clemson, Clemson, Clemson. Everybody's dressed in that damn orange and this fucking sunvisors and sunglasses hanging around their neck. The typical Clemson wear. Well, across the way, across the street is Sorority and fraternity Row. The Row. The row. I mean, one long street, so we're mainly sorority houses on this end of the street where we are. Then at the end of that street, gas station, couple of bars. Before the game, I am out of cigarettes right before the game. I'm like, okay. He goes, Well, you just got to run down the gas station down there at the corner, which is like a quarter of a mile. I go, I cross the street, I'm walking in front of these sorority houses, Party everywhere. I've got a roadie in my hands. I've now like six, seven bud lights in, and I don't really make it to the gas station in the most direct way. I walk through the grass, I pick up a... I pour myself a beer from the gang. I'm just enjoying myself. I'm walking in, I'm talking to people. You're getting this whole college tailgating experience.

Yeah, I didn't go to college, so now I'm getting the college experience, hanging out with the sorority and fraternity guys. By the way, I wasn't the only 30-year-old doing this. It was lots of people just partying everywhere.

Well, especially if it's homecoming, there's a bunch of alumni coming back for that.

There were two bars at the end of the street, like the Strip Mall. It was a Mexican restaurant. It was a bar, and then it was a bar, bar, and then a gas station. I walk in the front door of the Mexican restaurant. I order a bud light. There are a ton of kids in this place just all drinking, male, female, everything. There is a young lady sitting at the bar when I ordered the drink, and she's staring at me, and I'm like, Hey, what you doing? She's like, Getting ready for homecoming. This is crazy, isn't it? I'm like, Yeah. She goes, You are handsome. I was like, Oh, well, thank you. She's like, Meet me here after the game. That's what she says to me. I take that bud light and I pound it, knowing that I got to get back and jump the turnstile because I don't have a ticket. I don't think much of it. I have no idea how old this girl is. I'm guessing in her 20s, mid 20s, but I don't really know. I mean, they don't ask for an ID, right? She looks adults, but she doesn't look like...

She's not 40. I go and I grab my cigarettes and I go back. Now I have to jump the turn style of the Clemson thing. This guy, you know what he did? He's like, I'm going to take the ticket, and then I'm going to get the ticket stuff because they only check the ticket stuff, and then you run to the opposite side of the stadium, and then I'm going to give you the ticket stuff because I'm uncomfortable about actually jumping. I'm like, I'm an adult. Why don't I just buy a ticket? He's like, There ain't no more tickets left. It's Clemson. And I'm like, Okay, I don't fucking know. By the way, this is long before Clemson was good at football this last time they were good at football. They weren't that good at this point in time. But I'm like, I don't want to just try to... It's a big area. You walk into these gates and then there are ticket takers. But if you're sneaky enough, you can sneak in behind someone and just head for the hills. Just dart, I guess. I don't know. But I'm not a ticket jumper. That's not what I'm going to do.

He's trying to explain to me how he's going to throw me the ticket stub from the balcony, and then I'm going to catch it in the trees, and then I'm going to walk back in and say I left and whatever. I'm like, no. Okay, fine. I'll jump the turnstile. I'll do that. Well, everyone's walking in, and I'm going in behind him, and then he's making this ruckus about his tickets. He drops his ticket. He's trying to create a distraction, and I sneak in sideways. As I'm moving to the side, what do I run into? A security guard. He's like, Tickets It's like, I'm like, he has my tickets. Then this guy is just counting them twice. He's like, one, two, three. And then he's putting behind four, five, six- Like a sleight of hands. Seven, eight, nine. I can slide a hand. Yeah, slide a hand. The security guard is He's like, You don't have enough tickets. He's like, I thought I had seven. I don't know what happened. He's like, go. He just says, go. I'm like, oh, my God.

This isn't the first time.

This isn't the first time. It's not the last time. Apparently, this happens a lot. We go, we watch the game. Well, the thing that sucks about the game is that there's no alcohol served at the game at this time. There's no booze served at the game.

No, that's still a thing.

Yeah. I'm coming down. I'm like, Fuck this. Okay, great.

The game is- Yeah. I mean, day drinking only works if you keep drinking.

Yeah. They're playing West Kentucky Tech. You know what I'm saying? It's a homecoming game. It's an easy school. It's 40 to zero by the time it's the first quarter is over. I'm like, Whatever. Halfway, over halfway through the game, I'm like, I'm going to go back to the... And everybody agrees, Let's just go back to the car and we'll start drinking. By the way, the stadium is half empty at this point. Nobody's there. Everyone wants to get back to partying. We start drinking again. Within an hour, I've picked up right where I left off my buzz is good. And ding, the light bulb goes off. Oh, I got to meet that girl at the bar. So what do I do? I walk back to the bar and no fucking hairy shit is that girl there with her friends hanging out. She's hanging out, drinking. I'm standing there trying to get her to notice me. Clearly, she'll remember me. She has no fucking... She's not even paying attention. She has no idea who I am. She's not doing the sticky eyes at all. She's doing the dirty eyes. Why is this guy staring at me? So finally, I walk up and I go, Hey, can I buy you a drink?

Remember me? She goes, Oh, not really. I was like, We met before the game. You told me to meet you here. She's like, Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. I'll take a drink. Drink two drinks, three drinks. Now I'm like 45 minutes in. At some point, however it happened, whichever it happened, I'm not even sure because I do not have this game. I am not John Anthony. I am not Adam the Liar. But all of a sudden we are kissing, making out in the bar, kissing and making out. Then I realized I've been gone an hour and 15 minutes.

You've been gone from the fam.

My Blackberry, I've missed 12 text messages and phone calls because he's like, I got to go. The kid's got to go to bed, whatever. I'm like, Oh, shit. Well, listen, I got to go. I'm sorry. She's like, Oh, no, no, no. Let me give you my phone number and then call me. Then I live up in Anderson. Or whatever she says. I could come down to Atlanta, whatever. I'm like, Okay, put it in I don't wait an hour before I text this girl. And what do I get? I get, This number doesn't exist. I get a total, fuck you. The number doesn't exist. It's a totally fake phone number. It doesn't exist. There's nowhere for it to go. Text messages just bounce. My BBMs just bounce. That's it. Bbm, if you remember that. The BBM just bounces, and I am lost So here's my point. Staring at someone at a college bar is not a particularly... I don't think it's an effective tactic, but then you don't even need it.

You don't.

Just go to a college bar and hang out for long enough. And a lovely guy or girl, whatever your favor is, is going to find you because that's what you're doing. You're all partying and having a good time, letting your hair hang out. It's the time of life when you just go and have fun and kiss strangers and drink, and accept shots from people. I mean, be smart about it, right? Be smart about it. Be smart about it. Always get consent. But have fun. You don't need tips and tricks and hacks. You just need to be yourself. You'll be okay unless you're a total asshole. I know a few of those. Then you should change.

Then you should change.

Then you need therapy. Skip the college bar, go to the therapy.

The hack is therapy. Yes.

But there is no hack to getting attracted to someone or someone getting attracted to you. There is no hack. It's a magic formula that even the best of scientists nor the quantum witch, can solve for you. You'll figure it out. You just got to put yourself out there. Go to the bar, grab a pack of cigarettes, walk into the Mexican restaurant when you're on your way to grab a pack of cigarettes.

Put yourself out Put yourself out there.

Start smoking cigarettes, drink lots of bud light, jump the gate at the Clemson game, and be unscrupulous in general. You will find your human being. They are out there. There's There's plenty of us, and there's lots of them. I'm reading all these sad stories about this generation of kids that's growing up now, these 20 somethings and late teens, they are the least laid, they are the least relationship involved. They are the least optimistic that they'll ever have relationships that are meaningful, like romantic relationships that are meaningful. That, to me, is very sad. But I understand why. It's because you've never just put the screen down for a minute and walked into a bar and gotten yourself into a little bit of good trouble. You know what I mean? Good trouble. That's okay.

That's what those- Find other interests.

Yeah, like drugs. Drugs are perfect for your late teens and early 20s. Now, put them down by your mid 20s, or else, then shit starts going sideways. But this is the time. Go have the time of your life. Get in trouble without getting arrested. That's the good trouble. Find a few strangers, make new friends, have an adventurous night, do something that doesn't involve a screen and staying at home, wishing things were different. I promise you, I promise you, you may not get laid every time, but it eventually will happen if you wanted to. Take advice. From Uncle Brian. From Uncle Brian. This public service announcement brought to you by Brian.

Good trouble.

Good trouble. I don't want to encourage anybody to get in actual trouble. I just want them to get in the good trouble. The trouble where you end up making out with somebody at the bar. What's wrong with that, Chrissy? What's wrong with that? Skinny Dipping. Skinny Dipping? Yeah. Skinny Dipping is good trouble? Yeah. Breaking onto the golf course at 3: 00 in the morning and smoking a joint and laying a blanket down and giving each other mutual massages. That's a good trouble. Been there, done that. I'm sorry. Yeah. Find a massage friend. I guarantee you're going to have some fun with that one. I used to have a massage friend. That's what we called each other, massage friends.

Is this who I think it is? What's that? Is this who I think it is?

No, I don't think so. I don't know who you're thinking about, but I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm not going to I don't need to say that. Find yourself an Eastern European angry friend. You know what I'm saying? Find somebody. You guys agree to just have the good trouble.

Eastern European angry friend.

That's the good trouble. That's the good trouble. Yes. Just make sure you don't get on their bad side. All right. 212-433-3tcb. 212-433-382. Two, two. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We're taking them all right at that phone number. We'd love to hear from you. Text message or voicemail. If you have something you want to say to us, call in, leave it on the voicemail, and you could be the next voice that opens up the Commercial Break. Also, we are imploring you, please go follow us on Instagram at the Commercial Break. You'd be a doll face if you do it on TikTok, too, though we don't post there as often. Listen, I can only do so much, but a TCV podcast on youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak for all the episodes the same day they air here on the audio feed. Go check out the new studio for us at tcbpodcast. Com. All the audio, all the video, and your free sticker at the Contact Us page. No must, no fuss. Okay, Christie, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you.

And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Christie and I will say, we do say and we must say goodbye.

Bye.

I get ass.