Transcript of Best Of: Scammy Next Door Nonsense!

I'm gonna start low.

Yeah, you better start low.

La la la la la la la la la la doot and doo doo on this episode of the commercial Break.

Well, well, well. Looks like you're stuck with me again. It's Christina, the hardworking, hilarious, and fourth most important person here at the commercial break. I am only in front of blue, but that is a position I cherish. Brian and Chrissy are still out of commission, hence why I'm so hard working. So they've left me to my own devices here in the studio with absolutely no guidance to speak of, which I love. So let's get to it. I promised you another unhinged episode, and you're gonna get it. Today, I have compiled for you a collection of ridiculous next door postings and Brian's cache of spam text conversations. So let's take it back to the very beginning of the next door drama here at TCV.

The next episode of the commercial Break starts now. There was one CEO that was missing from this group that I really think needs to be up there, and that is the nextdoor CEO. Where is the nextdoor CEO?

Well, that is true.

If we're gonna protect our children, we need to protect our elderly, too, from that fucking next door app. Let me explain why.

I think it started off as a good idea. I remember getting on it years ago and thinking, okay, great, somebody wants to get rid of a table. Great, they left it out, and some. Anybody can come pick it up.

Car broken into down the street. Good information to know, right?

Then I moved and got on it again, and I was like, what the hell's happening on the Internet, Chrissy?

We have to protect our elderly. We have to protect our elderly. This app is fucking insane. People are fucking Looney tuned on this app.

Anything where people can comment and say what they want behind a screen just becomes crazy.

But the crazy thing is, is that they're really, like. It's a kind of anonymous, but not really because most old people put their actual names on there, like Mary Jane Rookatougal 3575, you know, zip zap Lane. That's their username. And you're like, what? So I go out on this next door because there's some alert about some action happening down the street or something. I'm like, oh, okay. I haven't been on nextdoor in years. And then I start scrolling, and I realize that the elderly people are just as crazy as the teenagers they really are. And so there's this old lady, Mary Jane Rapple, popple, whatever her name is. Right? Lives down the street, or, I don't know. She's in the neighborhood that we live in. And she goes, I ordered groceries to my house, and they were delivered somewhere else. If anybody knows where they are, please call my cell phone at 34474. Then she puts a picture of the last time groceries got delivered to her house and what they look like, and she's like, apples, milk, tampons for my young daughter. And I'm like, oh, my God, lady. She puts the picture, and it's got her fucking mailbox address right there.

And I'm like, have you no sense in your head? Another lady's like, is this a tiger in our neighborhood? It's a fucking raccoon. And she's like, spotted tiger. Has anybody heard of loose animals from the zoo or a circus? I spotted a tiger, and she's got this picture. It's got this picture of a raccoon, but it's not a joke. It's not a joke. She's, like, responding to people. And someone's like. Someone goes. They go, oh, yeah, that's a trash tiger. They're all over the place. I thought it was so funny. I saw two of them this morning. And she's like, I didn't know there was such a thing as a trash tiger. Please tell me more. I'm in danger. One lady wrote, I don't know what to do. My oven won't turn on. Can someone please help me call this number? And she's got, like, this, like, this selfie where she's half in, half out of the photograph. She's taking a picture, and she's like, ah, we must save the elderly. The next door is driving them crazy. It's insane.

Yeah, it's kind of their social media platform, isn't it?

And then they post pictures of random people walking down the street. Like this Mexican spotted. Okay, all right. What the fuck? All right. Suspicious Mexican spotted. Suspicious Mexican. What? Suspicious old lady posting random racist shit on next door, right? It is so crazy.

I know. I never get on that.

I posted one time on that one time, the beginning of the pandemic. I wrote this little thing. I'm like, this is a crazy time. I just wrote it. I wrote it on a bunch of platforms. I don't know why I wrote it. Maybe for attention. I don't know what I was doing that was lonely. It was an early pandemic. We had no listeners. I was just like, okay, let me write something nice. So I was like, oh, what a mixed up, crazy time. I think we'd all come together and help each other in this situation. You know, neighbors be neighbors and friends be friends. And let's all gather. Kumbaya moment, right? Whatever. Gather by the campfire. Little did I know to turn into the biggest shit storm that's ever happened. But it's like day two of the pandemic, and I'm like, okay, I'll send a little love out there. I got hundreds of comments. You're so blind. You don't know that the government. Steve Jones, 770555. Because his phone. The people are putting their phone numbers on the ears. I'm like, what are you doing? Stop. I want to stop you from doing this. I think we should actually do a segment where we read next door posts because they are so insanely insane, you can't believe it.

And now there's ads on it, too, I've noticed. To where, you know, of course they.

Got to make money.

Yeah.

Yeah, they got to make money. One lady said she spotted a prostitute at the Starbucks. Spotted, prostitute? It's firebucks. She took a picture. It was like a lady in a dress. This lady has been frequenting Starbucks. I've seen her with multiple. Mendenna. We must protect our children. Protect our children. Let the lady do her work. If she is a prostitute. Second of all, she's probably just a lady.

She's just having meetings or something.

Yeah, she's just going to Starbucks. That hot stone massage place up there. The Japanese, you know, whatever it is, massage parlor that's given, you know, hack jacks or whatever. You should see the posts on. Everybody's aflame about the jack shack down the street, you know. You know, these men are ruining our society. You know, stop them. Whores and tramps and slaughterhouse. Well, that's all of them. It's like, okay, grandma, settle down. Spotted on oan, you know, right. My favorite is that, you know, multiple things are happening. And I'm not saying this doesn't happen. I'm saying I'm sure this doesn't happen as frequently as I see it on nextdoor, that, like, you know, spotted pamphlet on my car. This is how they traffic you. And I'm like, how do they traffic you? They put the pamphlet there to indicate that you're the one they got to take down. You're 78. I don't think they're trafficking 78 year olds. I mean, I'm sure there's a market for it, but I don't think they're trafficking you, grandma. You're okay, right? I read it on oan. Oh, you did? Okay.

Wow. It must be true.

Must be totally legitimate if you read it on Oan. So, you know, we definitely have to do something about the kids. We've got to protect the elderly, too, because we do. They're just as crazy, and they are going insane on this next door. Get it? If you haven't been on nextdoor and you want a real nice night of.

Hilarity, you should have seen the one after Halloween. I got on there after Halloween for something and, you know, because it's like someone said, here's your post, and whatever I. Look, it was nuts. Yeah, that's about, you know, hoodlums, vandalism, people. Some people were nice. Yeah, but I had my bucket of candy stolen. Look, here's that kid that did it, and they feel like a rain camera.

I know. They won't post pictures.

You're the one who left a bucket of candy out there.

Yeah. One time there was a UPS guy with a brown uniform, but she couldn't see the UPS sign, and she was like, call the police. Ups man with no Ups patch. I'm in danger. These are not jokes. They're real.

Yeah.

One lady was like, did your children get any of these? And they're like sweetarts, right? They look exactly like fentanyl pills. Don't give to children. Report to police immediately. And I'm like, what the fuck? They're sweet tarts, lady. No one's giving free fentanyl to the kids. That's not happening. Stop it. Stop it. It might have happened one time where some junkie, you know, threw out some. Whatever. Here's some fentanyl pills. Have a nice night. But no one's giving free drugs away. That doesn't happen. Cause if that would happen, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be getting the free drugs. That's what I would be doing.

I want my candy.

I want my candy. Candy, candy. I'm literally shaking and sweating. Daddy, I'm puking. I'm in the fetal position. Oh, we should do a next door read.

We should.

Next door comments. That's what. We're gonna put it in the notebook. Please do. Actually, let's not put it in the notebooks. We'll never do it.

No, actually, we really will never remember.

Yeah, we'll never remember it. I'm gonna put it. I think we need to do a.

Segment on the notebook.

Well, we told. We said we were gonna do that this season, so we're gonna do that, put that in the notebook, and we'll never do the notebook. Notebook season segment. But you know where all the action was happening. Where all the action was happening. Click a good eclipse information you could only get from next door. Ah. So let's see. Let's go back to the past. Let's go into the future, back to the past and see what the people on next door are saying about what were they thinking? I don't think they were thinking. I don't think they were thinking. All right, so one person says, does anybody know where a good spot might be to look at the eclipse? I have a big space in my yard where I can see the sun at that time. But I figured getting higher would make for a better look. Getting. How high do you think you're going to get? Like getting higher? What are you talking about?

They need the ladder.

Yeah. They need the other person. That's right. That's the dumbest question I've ever.

They could clean their leaves off the roof too.

Yes. Made a piece of paper with a hole in it to look at eclipse. Check out picture. The picture is of a colander, like a pasta strainer. That's it. That's all it is.

I can use those.

I know, but that's not a piece of paper with a hole in it. The other one that I thought was harness the energy of today's eclipse time to manifest abundance and positivity. Handing out free tarot card readings inside my tarot card place during eclipse.

Don't worry about watching it.

That's right. Solar eclipse glasses available. Four pairs available. Now only three. That's what they wrote on them.

Four.

Four.

Now only three.

Now only three. Yeah, in real time. They were updating how many pairs of glasses they had.

This one person came by and picked up a pair.

Yes, I have piercing blue eyes. Did this happen because of the eclipse? You know, animals tend to do weird stuff during eclipses. That is the post blue eyes. Does this happen because of the eclipse?

That's, that makes no sense.

Yes.

Speaking of animals, that, did you notice anything with Blue or she just continued her.

Oh, no. Blue was fucking crazy yesterday. Yeah, but that's like, I don't know, normal or. I'm not really sure. Here's a lady who shared that. She got a picture of the eclipse. However, clouds were rolling by, so the cloud. So could you please edit out the clouds? Sure, we'll edit out the clouds. Have you seen that guy? It's like, can you fix this?

No.

There's like a famous, he's like a photographic editor and he's really good at Photoshop. And he's got this instagram, and it's like, can you fix this?

And people submit stuff.

Yeah, they submit stuff. And it'll be like, can you take my, you know, I don't, like, my ex boyfriend aren't together anymore. Can you take them out of the picture?

It's pretty ingenious.

And then he'll do something funny with it. It's pretty good. He's pretty good at it. Hi, neighbors. Having a little eclipse party, if you would like to come. Thanks. No address given, no phone number. Thanks. No responses. By the way, no one volunteered for the creepy guy eclipse party. The creepy guy. I took a video of a possum that I tried to save, but he didn't make it. Was hoping the eclipse would help him along. Tender care. Tender care.

Resurrect them.

Yes, it is like, well, maybe the eclipse will say he's only got his head squished. Maybe his body will survive. Oh, those possums are like, I know, big rats with huge tails. And I know. Some people had to have them as pets. No, no, that's really weird. Molly writes, good evening. Missed the eclipse. Any way that I can see it somewhere else, let me know. Tv.

Television or NASA.com, instagram. Gov or whatever, any place would be able to.

It was all over people on nextdoor, man. They just, like, I don't know. They've all lost their collective minds. It really is the dumbest social network out there because I think the average age is 77 that they're using.

I have tried to record this so many times, and I just keep making myself laugh because I accidentally found that possum, and I didn't even mean to. I genuinely didn't even mean to find it, but I think that was our actual first possum sighting. And by possum sighting, I mean first time Brian mentioned it. So I think that means that Brian owes me a week's worth of coffee or also maybe a raise. Text us at 212-43-3822 but anyway, apologies for adding more possum to your daily life. I know you don't need that. And I didn't mean to do it, but it was. It was part of the episode. What's a girl to do? So now I want to give you the most in depth next door segment we have to date. I'm just gonna let Brian and Chrissy take it from here. I know this sounds crazy because we are a podcast, but we have a phone number because we are also a sentient AI chatbot being designed to receive compliments and content ideas at 212433 tcb. So crazy how that works. If you want to follow us on Instagram, our handle is hecommercialbreak and our TikTok handle isvpodcast.

So go find our profile and watch the videos we painstakingly put together for you and our 20 other followers. If you find yourself wanting more, check out our website@tcbpodcast.com because you can find all of our audio and full length video episodes. And if you just do all of those things, we will love you forever. Bye.

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For the past three seasons of gone south, we've covered one story per season. We tried to figure out who killed margaret coon.

Izejdehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe she told me, I'm gonna kill you. I said, well, do it, bitch.

Go ahead and do it.

We delved into the violent world of the dixie mafia.

I'm an outlaw, and I was a thief. But I'm far from being the psychotic nutcase that I've been made out to be.

And we tracked a serial killer in laredo, texas.

Just turn around, please. Turn around. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now, gone south is back for a fourth season, but this time, we're doing things a little differently. So in gone south season four, we'll be bringing you new stories every week with no end in sight. I'm jed lipinski. Welcome back to gone south, an odyssey original podcast. Listen and follow now on the free odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts for new episodes every week.

Speaking of bad reviews in general, bad Internet writing, I thought we would take today and we would review some next door posts. Oh, what do you think?

Next door?

Next door.

Remember, you need me to pull mine up.

Speaking of middle aged white people ranting, ranting the ramblings of middle aged white people. This is more, I think, the ramblings of old white people. But that's okay either way. Next door is the whitest app I've ever been on. If people are worried about, you know, Snapchat. Oh, let me do a little sidebar here. Snapchat is now paying. You can now rank your friends on Snapchat, and if you pay money, you can see how you're ranked with your friends. This is about to destroy the psyche.

As if it could get any worse.

It just got ten times worse, because Snapchat, I don't think, is figuring out a great way to make money. So now they're just charging their users to see these analytics, which are going to depress everybody. That fucking sucks. You want to get depressed? Read my reviews, and stay away from fucking Snapchat. Okay? That's it. That's all you need to know. It's absolutely insane. And I. And there are so many spiraling worse.

And worse and worse.

There's a big backlash. Listen, there's a lot of local governments, city governments, state governments. Maybe the federal government has been talking about this for a while. It's affecting the mental health of our society. And I think people are starting to get a little bit more serious about putting some kind of you know, guardrails.

On what's going on, you know, and it's all about that. That's what everybody else is doing, so you feel like you have to be there. Like, I was listening to another podcast. I think it was the hidden brain. I love that. Yeah. Was Shankar Vidal or how do you say his name?

Oh, I don't know. I don't want him. I don't want to slaughter it, so I'm not going to say it. Yeah.

So he had somebody on talking about this exact thing, and they. He said that he took a poll with these, you know, college age kids that said, well, do you. You know, they feel like they had to be on there, basically, because everybody else was. But if everybody else wasn't on there, they wouldn't feel like they had to be there.

Yeah, well, it's. Listen, I. The state of Florida just made it illegal for anyone under the age of 13 to have a social media account. It's illegal for the social media companies to give an account to anyone that's under the age of 13.

It's damaging.

It's damaging. I will keep my children away from it as long as I possibly can because. And I'm hoping there was an interesting article that I read that said that the babies that are being born today will not be social media babies. They won't be iPad babies is what they really called it, because parents, us are now have been through this, and we see that social media and that, you know, sticking an iPad in front of a kid 24 hours a day is just terrible for their psyche, it's terrible for their brains. And, yeah, so I do what I do what my parents did. Instead of sticking my kids in front of an iPad, I stick them in front of the tv. That's the way you're supposed to do it, right? Yes. Go back to the way it was back in the old days. Social media, what's that? But let's get back to next door.

Yes.

Because this is the application I think we should all truly be worried about. I think we're all open arms about Snapchat and all the other, you know, instant TikTok and all that other bullshit. This is what we should be worried about. The crazy human beings, which is most old white people who are on next door asking questions that could be answered by literally anybody. Ready?

Yes.

Okay, I wanted to start with this one. Hi, neighbors. Trying to.

Hi.

Trying to plan a trip to Portugal. Does anyone have any idea how I look for interesting things or plan itineraries? Google.

Google the fuck or a travel agent again? Those have been around for a while.

Yes. I can't remember if I fed my dog. Does anyone have an app that helps you keep track? Picture of dog included. What was the other one? Do not pay for AAAA membership. We've been waiting for a tow for almost an hour. We requested tow at 10:00 a.m. now 11:25 a.m. and there's still no sign of it. Save your money. Okay? All right. Got it. Ten four. Looking for someone to help blow leaves off my roof. Is there any tall person or someone with a ladder? A tall person. They don't make them 9ft yet, I don't think. What are you doing? Go to the Hawks game. See if you can get one of those guys to come over and blow your leaves. Blow your leaves. I lost my driver's license, and I'm looking for a number to call to ask what I need to do to replace it. When I use the yellow pages, I call the number, and all they give you is the runaround. Does anyone know where the office is? Better yet, a real phone number I can call. After searching all scenarios as to where I might have lost it, I finally just realized I need to replace it.

Please help. Thank you. Marlene. Marlene.

Please help.

Please help.

Yeah, it's like, what world are they living in?

Please be aware of deer at night. Of the neighborhood. She's saying the name of the neighborhood has been seeing many deer at night. I saw the cops with one the other night. What cops doing with the deer? Uh oh. Scandal is rocking this neighborhood. Cops are going around fucking deer in Georgia.

I saw the cops with one.

I call fake news. I saw the cops with one. What? I'm just, like, reading them. I'm just scrolling. I'm not even trying. I just picked up this email. Where do you pick up an email from? I have at and t. This doesn't look legit to me. Due to address. Am I right? The address is Dwight dot markin@reagan.com. starting April 5, customers are yet to update their account will no longer be able to log in. Please click here. Well, Nancy, you got that one right. You saved yourself some drama there. Hi, neighbors. A small portion of my door frame is rotten, and I am looking to get it fixed. Yes, does anyone know where I can get a small piece of a door frame or a handyman with one? Do you think handyman just carry around.

Pieces of door frames?

Yeah, just pieces of door frames. My wife spotted a bald eagle flying overhead. No, she didn't. There are no bald eagles in Georgia. What the fuck are you talking about? This is so much fun. I just want to do this for the rest. Hello, and happy people. Well, that's not even great. English. Looking for a reliable bathroom that has a standing shower.

A reliable bathroom.

Thanks in advance.

Helpful.

Yeah, why not? Refrigerator repair. Our freezer went out last night and I had to call Mister fix it for backup recommendations, whatever that means. Does anybody have experience with this? We will need someone quick as the water is starting to flow from the freezer.

Well, good thing checking in on an app.

Uh oh. This day spa on this road is closing permanently, effective immediately, with no notice. The issue is that my wife and I recently received hundreds of dollars in gift certificates from family and co workers, which are apparently now worthless. I've spent so much money, and I've tried to contact them with no luck. Very, very upset. You didn't spend any money. You got it. That's a gift, you asshole. To which some other neighbor says, oh, no, that's too bad. I also have $200 worth of gift certificates. We should call together. Let's call together the number. It's not active. He just stated, but let's call and get a dial tone together. Does anyone have a recommendation for a chiropractor? Google Powerball. Jackpot. $900 million alert. Powerball is now $900 million. Does anyone want to go in with me? Sure. I'll buy the tickets and split it with you. No problem.

Just a random person.

I'm just sharing this post to let everyone know what's going on and how very close it is. It's not my post. Human trafficking. Sorry for any conflict. Thank you for apologizing because actually, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. He just writes human trafficking in all capital letters. Human trafficking, by the way, that got 150 hearts. Someone knows something. Does anyone know why the police just drove by my house with the blue lights? Human trafficking. Didn't you just read it? It's human trafficking.

Oh, my God.

I think we're gonna have to do the whole episode. Just me reading next door posts. This guy names a restaurant. He names where the location is, and he says, first time, shame on me. Second time, shame on them. No. Third time, not ever. Terrible coffee, poor service, food was marginal, bathrooms dirty. No one even said hi.

I think it's reversed, though. First time, shame on them. Second time, shame on. Yeah, well, he was returning.

He was trying. He was trying. He's lonely. I need some.

I mean, if there's a restaurant that even remotely looks like it is not good. I'm not going to continue.

No, I mean, you get one chance. That's it, right? I need some help with a little tile project. I had a plumber in here, and he has caused several issues, including tracking mud in my front door.

Oh, my God.

Um, okay. Names. Names. Restaurant names, where it's located, names. The other two restaurants that are next door to it. As if the address wasn't enough. Just so you know exactly where it is if you decide to go there because of the following. Last week I ordered 15 wings. I picked up the bag and it was so light, I was wondering if any actual wings were inside of when I got. Why didn't you check there?

Right.

Yeah. When I got home.

If something seems off. Yes, go ahead and check.

If it doesn't seem like there's actual food in the box, then you should probably open it and check and drive off. Yeah. I get home, and these wings were no bigger than the end of my index finger.

Baby chicken wings.

They're selling baby chicks. Little chick wing.

Oh, my God.

Cockadoodle. Fuck you. Sorry to hear that. Then they cook them and they're even smaller than that. So disappointed. We work hard for our money to get food like that. My point is, if you go in there, ask to see what size the wings are. So you're not disappointed?

Well, because everybody wants to rush down there now.

Oh, yeah. We're all heading to this place.

We'll report back.

There's literally 20 comments on this. Let's see what they have to say. Thank you. Have a safe day. Used to be good. Went way downhill. The pizza place is better. The one next door that she names, they have been really nice. Good luck. Trash cans overflowing, says one comment.

Add that to the list.

Yes. Oh, Don says we actually love smaller wings, in my opinion. By the way, the Philly cheesesteak is really big. Try that. Try that. I remember the one that I used to go. Always open them so you could see them for yourself. Oh, they did a presentation for you. I don't get that at the chili's when I go get takeout. Just a minute.

Please review our wing selection.

Your double bubble fart burger, sir. Extra chili and bloomin onion sauce. Yep. That looks exactly like the slop I wanted. Are those baby chicken wings? I morally object to that. Try ordering more wings next time. Ten is not enough. Don't go there. Worst food ever. Wow. Who knew?

There is so much activity.

I love it. I love it. I just love it.

You get a different one out here where you are, too? I do. Downtown.

Well, maybe in downtown it's a younger crowd in general.

Did you hear that shooting? What was that? Was that fireworks?

Wow, that was fun. No, I've been downtown and I had next door and I read the ones. It was a little different. It was a little different. It was like anyone knowing good ecstasy currently sitting at the flat iron bar. Right. It was a little rougher. I live in a neighborhood. There's lots of young folks that live here. But there also are some retirement homes around. And I imagine that's where a lot of the dismay is coming from. Those retirement homes or people who should be in the retirement home. This is crazy. It's like almost every one of these posts could be answered by Google.

Yeah.

Just googling it like good plumber, you know? And then you could read the reviews and go from there. But these people seem to want to go five steps. Like. Like I've been told many times, you went around your ass to get to your elbow. It's so stupid. Oh, my gosh. All right, let's take a break. Maybe we'll come back with more next door because I am enjoying this, quite frankly. All right, we'll be back.

I know you're already on your phone, so pull up instagram and follow us hecommercial break and then follow us on TikTok tcbprodcast. Done. Perfect. Thank you. Since you're at the ready, why not text us? Hello at 212433 TCB. Or if you've got some drama in your life, a little fun story or anything, really. We're desperate for content. Call and leave us a message at 212433 TCV. And don't forget to check out tcdpodcast.com because that got it all. Speaking of having it all, let's listen to our fabulous sponsors and get back to the commercial break.

Oh, my God. I just found the best next door post ever. And I am really hoping that Joseph is joking here because it's a really funny joke. But let's check it out. Joe says, I just so excited. I just found the best new wine decanter. Picked it up at goodwill. It is literally a piss jar from a hospital. That's what you piss in when you can't get out of bed.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

He's pouring wine with it. Okay. There's a lot of laughs. So I think that. I think that's it.

Maybe that was an April fool's.

Has anyone ever painted furniture? Are you happy? Thank you.

You mean in life generally? Or.

Yeah, is that. Am I happy? Is there a specific thing I should be happy about, or am I just. Jessica says hello. We has an athlete in need. They have a place to live, but nothing. They have a place to live, but nothing but an air mattress. I don't even know what that means. We have given them pots and pans and a king sized bed frame. Wait, they have a place to live? We are in need. They're asking if they can pot off their kid to another human being. We have an athlete in need. He's been a great kid, but. And he's got some pots of bed.

He's not in a frame for the bed.

Yes. Looking for a pool company recently. Had a squirrel in the pool. Got him out. Thanks. Hey, neighbors. Just had a question for the general public. Would you all be interested. Would y'all be interested in the used chair? I'm thinking about getting rid of it, but I just want to see.

Kind of interesting.

Hey, neighbors. Just wondered if you're interested in my oldena chair, because I'm not. But if you are, then I'll tell you where to get it. Okay, one or two more, then we'll move on. All right, I had one here. Hold on, let me see. Okay. Looking for recommendation for paving company. Had company resurfaced my driveway. Accidentally drove over it. Can't get ahold of original company. Thanks. Anybody know where I could get a good cell phone? I'm pretty sure Verizon will sell you one.

Oh, my God. There's only cell phone commercials every other time it's on.

Listen to this. There's literally no link here. Ben is fantastic. Good for Ben. When we asked our neighbor for a good garage door guy, everyone said, ben is the best. He is prompt, fair, and does a great job. He went above and beyond and replaced the motor, upgraded our hardware. Now the garage door is so quiet, I can't even hear it from a bed.

The kids will be excited about that.

Thank you, Ben. No link included. No last name, no phone number. Ben's doing a great job. Thank you to Ben.

Garage Ben.

Oh, Ben. The two of us need. Look no more. It's all done for us. It's all done for us. Oh, my God, that is so much fun. I will literally do that all day.

That is crazy.

Oh, I was reading them last night as I was waiting for an edit that I had to render on video, which takes our fucking ever. But I was reading them, Chrissy. I just could not. Can't stop laughing. I mean, it's. It is. It's old people in a can is what it. You know, everyone makes fun of that old person who can't text or, you know, they all, everyone has the meme pages about the old people literally go to next door. It's alive and well. The meme culture is alive and well, but it's not a meme. They're actually asking. They actually need to know, have you seen my cat? No name, no picture included. Yeah, I think I've seen a cat. I don't know if it's your cat, but if you want to come by and take a look, it's right outside my back door. And then some people put their actual addresses on there. And I'm like, yeah, dumb dumb.

My darlings, my angels, my sweet little cherubs. It's that time again where I try to convince you to follow us on Instagram hecommercialbreak and on TikTok TCBpodcast. We really don't post that much, so it's no skin off your nose. If you'd like to get in touch with us directly, you can text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212433 TCB. You know, we are just sitting by the phone waiting with bated breath for you to call. So please leave us an AsKTCB and we'll give you some mildly concerning advice. Peace and blessings, hopefully. Now, this history of next door drama has really wet your whistle, as they say sorry and gotten you excited for some more next door drama. I feel like now that it's fall, the leaves are coming down. I think there's going to be a lot to talk about on next door. I mean, I need someone really tall to come get the leaves off my roof. And I feel like that type of drama is coming up again, so I'm ready for it. And I hope you are, too. Now let's move on to Brian's cache of spam text conversations.

Now, I have literally never met anyone in my life to engage with spammers, scammers, scam spammers as much as Mister Brian Green, but I really, I admire him for that. And I say go off king. And also, that's Linda with a y to you. So enjoy this segment. And don't reply to scammers. Just leave that up to Brian.

Are you getting these phone calls, text messages from random people asking you if you're a certain name? Like, hey, Bob, how are you? Been a long time.

Yeah, no, I do. And I get them. I'm assuming they're scams. So I just block them?

Yes, I. They are a scam.

Yeah, right.

They're trying to get you into one of these scams where they build a relationship with you.

Oh, well, who are you? Adventure?

Well, yeah.

Send me some money.

Yeah. Send me your account number and I'll. We can be many happy friends if you just send me your account number. What? What'd I do? I thought we were friends. You can't send me $5,000. Western Union, right? No. Okay.

All gold cards.

Send it to the bob care of Darjeeling Limited.

Green cards or whatever they are. Green dot.

Green dot gift card. Green dot gold cards from the American Express. The money. The FedEx men's are on their way. Okay. So I got my phone and I just happened to get one of these before we came on air. So I thought I'd talk to you about this one. Ready? This is what made me think about this in the first place is that I've been doing this for a while. All right, so this text message, random text message from a random, what seems like United States based prefix, but clearly they're not from the United States. I haven't seen you for a while. Comma, let's meet. It's great English. Actually, it's pretty good. I guess they're using AI or something. And I say, oh, yes, it's been a long time. After the gerbil got stuck in my anus, I didn't have much free time on my hands as they were stuck in my anus. How are you doing? I miss you so much. To which they just responded, aren't you Isabella? I'm Eileen. And I said, yes, it's me.

It's me, Isabella.

Okay, so we got that one going. We'll see how that one. We'll see how that one works out. But I've got so many more of these. Hold on 1 second. Are you at work today? And I said, hey, yes, I am. We have 242,000 chicken anuses to test today, so my fingers are a little bit tired. But it's almost Friday, so hopefully we get all those anuses checked in time. To which they responded, oh, I'm sorry. My assistant left the wrong number. I hope I'm not interrupting your beautiful day. I go, well, one of my favorite things in the world is chicken anuses. I guess it's not that bad.

I'm doing with a laugh.

And then I said, how are you doing? They didn't respond. I think they figured out that I was fucking around with them.

My assistant gave me the wrong number.

Here we go, hey, Delilah, long time, Delilah. It's a 1927. Delilah, hi, Delilah, it's long time no see. Are you free next weekend? Let's get together and have dinner. And I said, hey, Susan, I'm actually flying to Malibu to meet Ron, and then we're gonna drive up the coast to go to the winery where we're gonna watch whales in San Clemente. And then we're going to take the wagon to get service down in Barksdale, and after that, we're going to go to Hollywood to have dinner with Robbie Deniro. So I'm not available next week, but can I send my helicopter to pick you up? Are you still getting vaginal rejuvenation done at doctor Swamp ass? I've recently had some problems. And they said, sorry, I think I have the wrong number. I hope I didn't disturb your wonderful day. And I said, no, Susan, it's me. By the way, Craig tried to send you that $12,000. Can you give me your bank info again so I can wire? It stopped right there. Of course it did. Oh, here's one where he says, it says, hi, how are you? I said, oh, lord, my exploding hemorrhoids are back and my gout is flaring up, hanging in there just like my balls.

And he says, what are you talking about? And I said, is this my grandson hoagie? And he says, do you want to suck my cock? Yes. And then he goes, I won't allow you to suck my cock because you don't deserve it. And I go, that is very nasty language, mister. I'm going to report you to the International Council for Small Penises. Do you want it? You want me to just send you some gift cards now, or do you want to continue the conversation? Okay, so let's see here. There's another one down here. Okay. Hi, how are you doing? How's it going? I said, oh, things are good, but the leakage has gotten worse, and my aunt, Aunt Celia is dying because of the terrible llama related accident. Thank God you called. I need a ride to the veterinarian. Oh, here it is. Okay, here's one of them. It says, hi, how are you? And I said, not good. And then it says, hi, I'm Diane. Nice to meet you. And she sends a picture of a beautiful asian woman.

Right, right.

Three pictures in a row, actually. Same picture. And by the way, I put this in google images. Images. And it came up a million different places.

Yeah.

And I said, that's weird. I just got another picture from another person named Diana. Is she your twin? He says, I don't know. Excuse me, are you Linda? And I said, this is Linda with a y, not with an I. You know that. Diana. Why are you asking me stupid questions? By the way, how's your mom? What are you trying to tell me? I'm sorry. It was a mistake that I added the wrong number and I got you. I hope you don't mind. And I said, if you continue to call me Lindo with an I, I'm gonna get very angry. I asked you how your mom was. She said, she's good. Thank you. Are you a woman? And I said, I'm a woman. 89 years old with a dog named Francine. But Francine isn't doing so well. She got her back leg stuck in her ass, and I don't have a ride to the vet. Can you help? And she says, oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your dog, but I would like to be friends, said. And I said, only my friends. My friends would know how to spell Linda. She never responded.

Oh, this is. So.

That was a newbie? Yes, I think.

Yeah, that one. That one went on a little too long. These. These come, like, every day, so it's just, you know, that one. Cornelius. I didn't respond to that one. Cornelius. I want to find the one that I went all the way to that. Thank you for choosing. No, that's Angie's list, which is almost as bad as these guys.

That thing still around?

Yeah, it is, actually.

Huh?

They're now called Angie.com, and they're actually a sponsor of the show, and I actually use them. This is not a. This is not an advertisement, but I've actually used Angie, and they sometimes they're lickety split quick, and you get it. You get someone good. Okay, here it is. It's a really nice weekend. Let's go for an outdoor trip tomorrow. What do you think? And I said, oh, that would be great. I'm taking the Learjet back home in a few hours. Hey, I wanted to send you some money for your trip. Can I get you American Express gold gift cards? Does that work for you? What's your address again? I want to make sure that that gets to you quickly. That $10,000 doesn't need to go. And he says, just send it to the White House presidential palace, to which I send him a picture of a guy holding a dong in between his ass cheeks. And I said, I put this in there, too. I hope this brings you many happy holidays.

The presidential White House palace.

The presidential White House palace, clearly from the United States. Oh, my gosh, Kirsty, I love these. Anytime you get them, send them to me.

I will.

So that I can respond. Give me the number so that I can respond. And finally, hi, Jenny. I'm traveling to Atlanta with Mar to Mary next month. Would you like to come with us? And I said, oh, yes, I just need a chair for my dog. My dog doesn't do so well on the floor, so I'm always having to roll it around in a chair. And she says, oh, my God, I'm sorry, I think I entered the wrong digit. I hope I'm not disturbing you. And I said, you're more disturbing the dog than you are or me. As the dog got scared and jumped on the floor. Now I'm afraid he's dying. Do you have a veterinary phone number? And she, he or she says, I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're talking about. And I said, you don't know what a chair is? And she says, yes, but I think I have the wrong phone number. And I said, no, you most definitely have the right phone number. I'm just wondering if you know what a chair is. I think I have the wrong phone number, but I'd like to be friends. Would you like to be friends?

Oh, my God.

And I said, if my dog survives the floor, I might call you back.

Oh, that was pretty specific too. I'm going to the wedding.

Yes, in Atlanta. And they said, atlanta. So they clearly knew where I was, if that makes sense. Oh, here's one I didn't respond to. I wish I would have. Hi, Daisy. Do you have time to travel for Italy together over the Christmas holidays? I said, oh, my God. You know what's crazy? I'm in Italy right now. I came to Rome to check out the opening of Guy Fieri's new chicken wing in tuna salad buffet. Have you ever smelled Guy Fieri? He smells like jakar noir. Chicken wings. When are you coming? And she says, oh, I'm sorry, isn't it Daisy from Thailand? And I said, no, but I do happen to have a thai food place right down the street from my house. Would you like to meet there? And she says, I'm sorry. I looked up Daisy's phone number and found yours. I guess it's very close to Daisy's phone number.

Oh, yeah. A person in Thailand has a very close phone number is you.

Yeah, that's right. So I said, so she says, I or he. Or she says, so I sent the wrong message. I hope I didn't bother you? And I said, oh, no, no bother at all. I haven't had human contacts in almost three years. I said, I came to Italy, but I've been locked in the room by my parents. And she said, oh, no, I'm not trying to talk to a child. Are you an adult? I said, it depends on what you call an adulthood. I have hair on my penis. So my mommy says, that makes me an adult. No response after that. Oh, Chrissy, this is so much fun. I wish we could do these all day long. Hi. Cornelius.

Cornelius Cornelia?

Yeah. Cornelius and Delilah seem to be popular names with these. It's Emily, the veterinarian. My pet is sick. Are you free right now? Things are bad now. Can you come to my house?

Wow.

And I said, no, unfortunately, we. Unfortunately, a man just walked in with his head stuck in a horse ass. This could be a while. Please send me pictures of your sick pet and I'll do my best to help you. They said, oh, I'm sorry, I think this might be the wrong phone number. And I said, how many other people. How many other vets have a similar phone number? Don't waste my time or I'll have to charge you for the missed appointment.

I love it. I had no idea you were carrying on with all these people.

Oh, here's one. Hello. Hello. I'm Vanessa. Anna, you ordered a painting last week. It's finished. Do you have time to pick it up for tomorrow? I said, oh, that must be my mom. She has had my phone, and I've been the hospital with painful proprism from all the video chatting. And she says, do you have time to pick it up this afternoon? Wish you a speedy recovery? And I said, sure. What's your address?

Yeah.

And she says, anna, don't you know who I am? Don't you know where I live? You often order. You often order from my shop. And I said, oh, that's my mom. She's been doing the online shopping, but she has clitoproprism from taking the blue meds. I have to do it because I have hyper hemorrhoid seda. I thought it would be a help since my soft schlong disease is really bothering me, but this must be a big mistake. Her schlong is different than mine. Okay, do you use telegram?

The favorite? They said that?

Yes. Okay, do you use telegram? They completely ignored what I just said, okay, to use telegram. And I said, my mom might be using telegrams. I think that's the way she talks to people when she was young. I don't know how to do it. Telegraph. She says, no, download telegram on the app store. And there's a bunch of interesting little stickers on it. We can have interesting conversation. I said, oh, my mom doesn't allow me to download those kind of things. When I turned 30, she gave me my own phone, but I can't download anything. But I do have a paypal and I could send you money. Just ask. And she says, no, thanks. Tell me when you have time to pick up the painting. And I said, as soon as my. Soon as my mom recovers from her clito proprietism, pick up the painting.

I mean, it's so strange.

Pick up a painting, Chrissy. Everybody's got to pick up a painting. Don't you understand?

But also get. Go ahead and get on telegram.

What's that? Yeah, go on telegram where nothing can be tracked or traced. That thing cuts both ways, my friend. You know what I'm saying? Okay. And I thought there was going to be. There was one more that I wanted to share with you. Oh, as promised, here's your Delta Airlines thing. To which I said, I never fly Delta. Hey, are you Dominic? Martha? To which I said, no, I'm Martha. Dominic. But you almost got it right. They said, oh, I'm sorry, I must have gotten the wrong phone number. And I said, did you really? They said, yes. I'm so sorry to ruin your beautiful day.

God, there's like a script. I know.

And I said, no, no problem. I'm just here trying to get my wife pregnant. Do you want pictures? And the guy said, fuck you. You could have so much fun with these guys. So much fun with these.

Why don't we do this? I'll forward you mine, okay?

Forward me yours. Just give me the phone number and tell me what they said. And then I'll respond to them from my phone and they'll be totally confused. I'll be like, hey, I just got this text message on my other line.

Is this Anna?

What's that? Is this Anna? Is this Delilah? Is this Dominic? Martha? No, it's Martha. Cornelius, Cornelius, Cornelius, Delilah. I think OpenAI is going sideways on this one. I really do. By the way, do you like my third grade responses? You're testing chicken anus?

Yes. They're amazing.

What? Does my mind always go to the anus? I don't know. It's just one of those things. I wonder if anybody out there does this too. I mean, I can't be the only one that has fun. They're gonna come anyway, you know? Somebody's got my number. Some, at least somewhere. So if it leaked somewhere, then, you know, I'm just gonna expect that this is gonna come. So what I usually do is after a period of time, then I'll report it as junk. Right? I'll just go back and I'll report it as junk. That's not gonna stop them from getting new phone numbers. I mean, for God's sakes, there's a million different apps that you can get. Burner phone numbers. Yeah, you can use those things left and right. Now, don't. Don't ask me how I know that, but might have something to do with the show. But I'm just saying.

Well, folks, that is all I have for you. Once again, I hope you enjoyed this special little best of episode. I know it's not your number one favorite episode in the world, but I did put a lot of work into it, so I hope that you enjoyed it and got a few giggles in this morning or afternoon or an evening or whenever you're looking, listening to this. Brian and Chrissy will be back very, very soon, I promise. And then you'll only have to hear me in the showliners. Great news. Now I guess all there's left to say is if you want to get in touch with us, you can text us, you can call us, leave us a little voicemail. Leave us an asktCb. Leave us an ask Christina. Just kidding. I can't give advice. Leave us an asktCb. 212-43-3822 now, you know, we also have our website, tcppodcast.com. you can go watch all of our videos. You can go listen to all of our audio. You can search episodes. Just if you didn't know this, I use this function a lot. Search nextdoor. Yeah. Uh huh. Then you'll find all the next door episodes.

So search up your interest. Search up something I might have put in the show notes and then listen to that episode. It's a grand old time, I promise. And also, you know, I have one more request. And that request is for you to follow us on Instagram, where our handle is hecommercialbreak, and on TikTok, where our handle is b podcast. And I think that's everything. And I will see you tomorrow, and then that's it. I promise. Bye.

Jenna.