Transcript of Best Of: Critter Crazy

Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain? Lord of the Rings.

Yeah. On this episode of The Commercial Break.

Hi, podcast universe. It's Christina. If you've never heard my voice before, I am the producer of The Commercial Break. And sometimes when Brian and Chrissy are slacking off, they ask me to jump in and guide you through the tumultuous days without them. So let's get to it. We need to talk about possums. If If you're new to TCV, you're probably thinking, What the hell? Why do we need to talk about possums? Is this a podcast about possums? What is this bitch on? But here's the thing. Possums have somehow become a deep part of our lore, so I thought I'd catch you up to speed on just exactly how we got here. So here's Brian and Christie talking about possums.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Oh, yeah, I got to Welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the 'Oh, possum to my 'up possum, Chris and Joy Oatley. Best to you, Christie.

Best to you, Brian.

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Yes, yes, yes, they're aliens. And we know there's a long, deep divide amongst the Commercial Break listeners right now about O'Possum or a possum, and then whether or not we- Or just possum. Yeah, or just possum, or whether or not we even have possums on this earth. I want to settle everybody down. I'm not looking to divide the country anymore than it's already divided. We got enough troubles to worry about. We're not going to go ape shit over possums. But I do want to thank one of our listeners, Kaitlyn, who's a great listener, been listening for a long time, communicates with us frequently. She found the episode where we are talking about possums, and I've got that tape to roll.

It wasn't too long ago either.

No, it was less than a month ago. It was a month and a couple of days ago.

We talk so much on this show that we don't remember. We don't even remember.

I don't remember that just a month ago, we had this whole conversation about possums. I thought for sure it was years ago. I was like, Oh, she must have gone deep in the catalog and found me saying something about possums that she wasn't happy about. But no.

No, it was just like 10 episodes ago.

Nay. Yeah, it was like seven days ago. I mean, it It's crazy that we couldn't remember that. It's so insane. We are old, Chrissy. We are old.

Okay, for those- Again, I think we just talk so much. We do. That we can't remember. It just flows.

What are you going to do? We're at that point in life where there's only so much information we can stuff in our brains. We're at the point in our life where four days a week is even too much for us, and we're the ones creating it. I'm sure a lot of listeners would agree. Shut Brian up is basically the sentiment on the Apple reviews right now. Okay, not everyone's going to be happy.

It's not for everyone.

But those of you that don't know, Joe Dombrowski was our guests last week. Go take a listen to that episode. Joe was great. But Joe, at the end, he apparently did his homework on the commercial break. He did. Because at the end, he said, Before I let you guys go, I have one more thing for you. I was reading your reviews and I found one, and I'd like to let you know.

All right, just real quick, I'm going to play that segment from Joe Dombrowski's episode.

You guys, I found this comment. This was a review that somebody left for you all, and this is exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, good. This is exactly what I'm talking about. It's a one star. I used to love your podcast until you talked bad about possums. They deserve to be on the Earth more than humans. They have existed for more than 70 million years. Do your research before talking negative about the Asian species. Took the fucking time.

Someone took the time to write that.

Oh, my God.

We laugh about it all the time. We're like, You took the time to write that.

Okay, possum lover 44, just go back down your possum rabbit hole on YouTube and don't watch this podcast anymore. Yeah, we're like, Thanks for watching. I appreciate. It's not for you. It's not for you. Keep walking. Also, fuck you, too. I'm calling you APPCA and Sarah McLachlin, you motherfucking animal boosers.

I love that you brought that up. That's hilarious.

You want to know what? Had you read that before? No, we didn't.

We love reading those. We love reading the comments.

I love the haters, too.

We I do.

Yeah, because you know what? The haters are probably listening to more hours of our show than the people who don't like it. The haters make me famous. That's a honey booboo quote that I went tattooed to my asshole. That's it. But also, our tagline for many... I mean, we're 550 episodes into this, almost 700 hours of this show. You know what our tagline for about 100 hours of this was?

It's not for everyone.

It's not for me. It's not for everyone.

That came from me talking to a family member at Thanksgiving, and they were like, We listen to your podcast. Podcast.

And that was it. And they said nothing else. I was like, Well, it's not for everyone, but thanks for listening. I tell that to people all the time. But I could not for the life of me, Chrissy or I.

We were like, When did we talk about possums?

I have no idea. I had no idea. Well, it turns out just a week ago is when we talked about possums. And so I actually have that tape. I've pulled it. Do you want to hear it? Yes. Okay, this is from the episode The Kids are not All I don't particularly remember what we were talking about. I don't either. But I actually think since I listened to it, I do recall us having this conversation about me saving a seagle. The bird. Yes, a baby seagle or a young seagle at the beach because it had gotten some cleaning solution for the submarine base that was down the street. It got some cleaning solution on it that was toxic to this poor bird, and we took a 40-minute drive to go drop it off in the middle of the swamp in Florida, and that bird got loose in the car and started flying everywhere. That's where we're picking up on the conversation. Now, when I'm about to play to you- Somehow it segued into possums. Of course it did. Sounds exactly like the commercial break. Somehow we couldn't keep our train of thought. Sounds like us. That tracks.

That math is mapping. Yeah, exactly. I remember that.

Yes, that math is mapping. If someone says ADHD podcast and the commercial break in the same sentence, it resonates. It tickles me in my warm spot. You know what I'm saying? Okay, so Here we go. I'm going to play this for you. This is not Chrissy and I talking live. No, that probably about the next minute. This is actually from that episode. The Kids are not all right. Here you go. This is what I said. This is what got this person so upset. And by the way, this person, I'm not going to name because we don't need to start some big doxing war or anything. But I'm just going to share that if you want to come on air and talk to me about this, I'd be happy to have that conversation. We would love that. I'm open-minded. I'm still not going to like possums at the end of it, but we don't have to hate each other because of it. Okay, ready? Here we go. Here's the bit of tape. I have this empathy for animals, and when I see something that looks helpless, says Brian right before he says possums shouldn't be on Earth.

Perds, I want to help it. I nurtured a squirrel once back to health. I want to help it, but I can't take all of them in and then just leave them there indefinitely. It's insane to me. I have a friend who's got basically an animal hospital going on in their house any given time. There's snakes and reptiles and squirrels and possums. This is true. I do have a friend. On the other day on Facebook, when I looked at her Facebook page, she had a bird of some sort, like a brown bird, like a regular bird. You know, just a bird, the brown bird you see outside. A brown thrasher? The brown thrasher. The bird was chasing a cat around the house, packing it. It was so crazy. Oh, that's funny. Okay, back to the tech. Raccoons are all running around everywhere. Every time I see a Facebook page, there's another fucking weird animal in their hands. The other day, they're petting a possum. I'm like, What are you doing? I think it's full of disease and nastiness. My goodwill stops at roaches and possums. You know what I'm saying? I don't feel bad for you.

I'm sorry, I just don't because you're weird. You're like little aliens crawling around this Earth, and I'm not sure you should be here. I don't know if my empathy extends that far. If you're a dog or a cat or a cute little bird, those things I want to know.

I'll swerve to miss it.

Yeah, of course you swerved to miss it. It took me five seconds.

Yeah, you thought about that.

I was like, Yeah, yeah. Okay, first of all, you realize that I got to Christie and I got to do six hours of talking a week, right? So my opinion on possums is just based on my initial reaction. I'm trying to tell a story that turns out to be funny.

We're improv.

Yeah, we're improv. So I'm improv-ing my opinion on possums, but I do agree with myself.

I do agree with myself. That's good. You stand firm on your position.

I don't think I said all that- The weird, weird, weird part about all of this, and we probably need to put a pin in the whole possum situation.

We've talked about it so much.

No, I'm keeping this going.

I'm going to roll this for weeks. But the weird part was that right after that, there's a baby possum in my yard. I know.

That is strange.

I have never seen that before, and I had to take a picture of it and send it to Brian, and Brian goes, See, it does look like an alien.

It does look like an alien. It's got that long, weird tail. It's got those beady little eyes. But we agreed yesterday or last week on the show that babies, baby possums. Okay, we're going to give a break to the baby possums. They didn't choose to be They didn't choose to be possums.

What if you're a possum in your next life now?

Oh, I know I'm going to be a possum in my next life. A possum or... I don't know. A possum or... I'm not going to say it. All right, so there's your- Thank you, Kaitlyn, for helping jog our memory.

That's right.

Let's wrap this argument up with, Brian's not a huge fan of possums, but I would swerve to miss it if I saw it running across the street. I know it serves a purpose here on Earth, but my opinion It doesn't change. I still think they look like aliens, and they're a little bit strange, and roaches and possums, I just don't care for them. So whoever made the comment, whatever your name is, whoever made that post, I welcome you on to the show. We can talk about this like adults, or at least you can talk about it like an adult, and I'll continue to be a child about it. And yeah, Pawcim haters unite. Here we are at the commercial break.

All right. There you go. So that is how TCB came to be known as the Possum Hating podcast. But as for me, myself and I, I need set the record straight. That's right. I am a possum lover. I think they're cute. Sue me. And also, they're honestly really cool. They're North America's only marsupial, which puts them in the same category as kangaroos. And yes, that means their babies are called joeys, and they carry them in a pouch, which just kills me. It is so cute. And they're basically nature's pest control and trash management, which, as we know, is an essential job. So I'm just saying, keep an open mind when it comes to possums. Well, now that that's all been said, we are going to take a quick break, and then we will get back to Brian talking more shit about possums. Are you lonely, depressed, listless, feeling silly? Call TCB at 212 212-433-3-TCB to get advice on your most difficult life circumstances. That advice will probably be bad, but that's okay. Call today. It's only 79.99 plus shipping and handling for AskTCB Advice Services. That's Now that I have your attention, you should know that you can also follow us on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at TCB podcast.

If you want to request our latest sticker, head to tcbpodcast. Com, click Contact, and select Sticker Request from the drop-down menu. And don't forget, you owe me 79.99 plus shipping and handling.

My name is Jack Wagner, host of Otherworld, a podcast featuring real people who experience something paranormal, supernatural, or unexplained. I have no idea how I got there.

I don't think I've ever seen anything that looks like this.

It felt like electric stars on fire. I started Other World to take a grounded approach to the paranormal, help people tell their own stories, and encourage more to come forward. I certainly don't have the answers, but maybe one day we will. Join me as we explore our world's greatest mysteries. Listen to Other World now for free on the Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcast. Speaking of Joe Dombrowski, Joe was a great guest. We got a lot of feedback on the Joe Dombrowski interview. Lots and lots of people loved it. I really loved him. Especially his calling us out on the possum. And then I sent you the picture. And then a possum showed up at Christie's house. I know. It's unbelievable.

It was a baby possum. It was a baby. It was a baby. We were sitting outside enjoying a beverage in the evening, and all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see a little baby possum.

You know what?

Running over, and then it just stood there and it was scared.

It's hard to It's like a baby anything.

I know. Do you know what I'm saying? I was like, first of all, this is weird because we just had a whole talk about possums, and I've never seen a possum at my house before, out in the yard. I think it had gotten lost maybe from its family, which I felt bad about, but what am I going to do? I just left it.

Well, it's probably it's your dad is sitting out in the middle of the road somewhere with a tire mark on it. I mean, those things, they just don't get out of the way. Are those one of the animals that get like, deer in the headlight type thing? I think so. I think so, too.

They can't see you.

Kind of blind it or something. They're blind or something. But the possum drama continues here at the commercial break because we got someone that wrote in that said, You're saying it wrong. It's opossum. It's O'Possum, not possum. Okay. And so Astrid said, You're saying it wrong because we even say it O'Possum. In the English translation of O'Possum is O'Possum, not possum. And so I said, No, that can't be true. I've been writing it possum my entire life. It's been possum. So when did it turn into O'Possum? Like, Oh, possum? No, you don't sound like I'm I'm not telling me I'm calling it. I'm saying it's a possum. In fact, Astrid was correct, and I was correct. It can be said either way, O possum or possum. Either way. Either way.

I'm sick of possum.

Still don't like possums. Opossums or possums or possums, still don't like them. My mind has not been changed.

I like the baby.

I felt bad for the baby. Well, it's really hard to dislike a baby. A baby, anything. A baby, anything, let alone a baby possum. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes, I do. The drama continues. Commercial break is, in fact, possum haters. And so Joe united with this. Except for babies. Except for babies. Okay, baby possums get a... After they turn one, I hate them. But before one, they're fine. I'll leave them alone.

Small babies, good. Yeah. Small babies, good. Big ones, no.

That's right. Pee-pee, poopoo in the They're good. It's just like kids are dogs. Puppies don't stay puppies forever. They eventually turn into dogs. You know what I'm saying? Right. They're cute as a button until they start chewing your legs off your $10,000 furniture. Then you fucking hate them.

Case in point, Blue.

Case in point, Blue. I wish Blue was chewing on the furniture. I would accept that as a good alternative to what's actually going on in this house. Blue. Fucking Blue, man. Oh, Blue. Oh, man. I'm not going to get into it. I'm not going to get into the 3,000-story about Blue waking the baby up, shitting on my feet. Whatever. Anyway. Okay, under one years old, possum, good. Over one years old, possum, bad. I don't care if you call it oh possum or possum. I know that there's one particular person out there who really dislikes our stance on possums, but I'm I'm sorry to say, they are weird, strange animals who really skeive me out. They're like roaches. Do you find roaches to be friendly? Are you a roach lover? No one is a roach lover. No. No one. You want to know why? Because they're weird, disgusting animals. They crawl around your walls. They crawl really fast. They're crawling around your walls. Yeah, really fast. They skeive you out. They're like in the middle of the night, they're crawling against walls. It's the same thing that possums do. The same thing. They're in your trash.

They're walking around walls. They crawl out at night. They're under your porch. You never know where they are until they show up at Christie's house to have a drink with her and Jeff. Okay? That's all agreed. I'm not saying kill them. I'm just saying... I don't know what I'm saying. What I'm saying is I don't like them. That's what I'm saying.

And that's okay.

And that's okay. And neither does Joe, for the record. I think Joe's on our side about this one.

Yeah, he seemed to be.

Or at the very least, he's on the side of shitty internet commenters leaving dumb reviews. But I think this person actually wrote a long email to us once, and Astrid was trying to find it. I don't know if he'd been successful, and that we haven't because I would have it if we had. But she swears up and down, and I remember her telling me this, that someone had written in and given this long soliloquy on possums and why we should take a second look at our opinion on possums. Now, I put a call out to the audience earlier this week asking them to, If you can find that clip of us, I'd buy you coffee for a week. That still stands. I haven't had anybody- No one's taking you up on it. No, because no one's listening. All right.. I'm just talking to myself.

We're just talking to each other.

Yeah. But if you do know, if you remember, if you can find the clip of me talking about, Oh, possums or possums in my stance on them originally on the show. I'm not talking about when Joe told us about this review. Then I'll buy you coffee for a week. Whatever your favorite coffee shop is, I'll send you a gift card to it.

But I'm just- I'm not sure what their attributes are, and I'm sure they have some, but I'm not quite sure. Because if you have a spider that can be good for the bugs or a cat running around outside can be good for the rodents.

Let me tell you about spiders. I don't like spiders either. But I will deal with them under certain circumstances because I understand that they are eating the creatures that I really don't want. There are house spiders that will eat roaches and flies and rats and stuff that you don't actually want in your house. They're a necessary evil as far as I'm concerned. Right.

Now, there are- Speaking of spiders, have you ever seen one of those that's the... It's got all the different colors on it?

They're the Japanese joro spiders.

I remember seeing this one that was in between two bushes at my grandfather's house, and it had this elaborate web, and it was beautiful. I didn't want to mess with it. It looked like it was doing its work, and it was gorgeous, actually.

Are you talking about this spider, the Joro spider?

Maybe. I just remember it being black and it had yellow, bright yellow.

This is it. It's called the Joro spider. It's from Japan. It originally was found here in Georgia. They think because of the Port of Savannah, it got brought over on shipping containers. It's an invasive species, and it's made its way up the East Coast, and they are now flying. The Joro spider can be 4-5 inches in diameter. It's big. It's huge. Like maybe the size of my hand. I have seen a number of them on corners on the outside of my house. And the pest control guy was like, invasive species, I'm going to kill it. Sometimes I leave spiders alone, but I'm going to kill these because they're invasive species and they'll eat all the other spiders or whatever they do. I don't know. They're poisonous. And they eat bugs and stuff like that, but they can also kill the spiders that you really need. So piggybacking on the possum thing, spiders serve a purpose, except for the Joro spider.

Except for the invasive one. Except for the invasive one. They serve a purpose in Japan.

They serve a purpose in Japan, but they are out of their own element when they're here in the United States. Now, New York is waiting for what they're calling Spiderpocalypse because they do very well in cities. They breed fast, they lay hundreds of eggs at a time, and they can make parachutes. They actually like tall buildings, and they have been known to make their own parachutes and fly from building to building. What? Not even kidding. Wow. That is a nightmare come alive.

Spiderapocalypse.

Spiderapocalypse. I am not interested in spiders that build parachutes. Anything that is better at building things than I am that is not a human being, is pretty much on my shit list. Do you know what I'm saying?

Right. We're just interested in watching Frank Ubi go down in a parachute.

Oh, God, I love to see.

Well, no. At the beginning of his new intro- Oh, yeah, he jumps out of the plane. He's doing parasailing, and he just lands on the beach.

He's so crazy. Remind me in the next segment to tell you about Frank Ubi and why I think our listeners may be I'm poking the bear a little bit too much. I'm going to implore our listeners to calm down a little bit on Frankie B. But okay, so let's talk about the opossum a little bit. The Virginia opossum is the only species found in the United States and Canada. It is often simply referred to as an opossum. In North America, it is commonly referred to as- There's no O on the spelling, is there? Opossum. Oh, okay. You can spell it either way? Yes. It's simply referred to in North America, mostly as a possum, not opossum. Listen, they have definitely been… They are 20 million years old. They come from their- That's what the review said.

They're very old. Got it.

Check. They probably came from the Amazon region Their diet consists of rodents, birds, eggs, frogs, plants, fruits, and grain. In other words, they eat anything that they see. They're like goats, right? Some species may eat the skeletal remains of rodents and roadkill. Oh, God. In captivity, they will also eat dog food, cat food, and human food waste. So this is what they do. They are immune to the venom of rattlesnakes and pit vipers and regularly prey upon these snakes. Okay, all right. All right. Okay. Well, I guess you're doing something good out there. All right. All right. 1.0 possum, 10 points, Brian. Okay, still beating you on this one. Some authors have suggested this adaptation. Oh, wait, hold on one second. Similar adaptations are seen in other small predatory animals such as mongooses and hedgehogs. Opossums, crow of vipers, have been suggested as an evolutionary arms race. Some authors have suggested this adaptation originally rose as a defense mechanism to allowing a rare reversal of evolutionary arms race where the former prey has become the predator. In other words, they have defended themselves. The Ferdolance, one of the most venomous snakes That has nothing to...

Oh, no, it has nothing to do with opossums. That's what can kill them. They're found everywhere, North, Central, South America, as far north as Canada. They eat trash. That's what they do. Look, Miranda is messing with an opossum right now. My daughter's just losing it right now. She's got an earache. She's... The poor thing's miserable. I don't see my mind getting changed on opossums or opossums anytime soon. No matter how you say it, I just don't know what purpose they serve in my trash can. Do you know what I'm saying? Now, I'm not going to kill them. I want to be clear. If I haven't yet put Blue down, I'm not going to go out of my way for a possum. They bother me a lot less than Blue does. They do. But I'm telling you right now, they're ugly little alien creatures, and I'm not a fan. If you want to be a fan, be a fan. But what drives me crazy about this one review, what really drives me crazy, is seriously, are you going to choose possums over the commercial break? Are we that bad? That's where we're Are we that terrible?

I mean, I realize we are not like the cream of the crop comedy podcast. I realize we are not like best in class comedy podcast. But possums? We can't be better than possums.

We hit a nerve.

Oh, Christie, we are so fucked. I don't even know. Why are we bothering? Why do we bother? Why do we put so much effort into this thing? And then I say, One thing about possums that everybody's running. Imagine I was talking about politics.

Oh, we're not going there.

No, thank you. All right, let's take Take a break. I'm going to diagnose my daughter and find out what's going on.

Sounds good.

And then we'll be back.

Call me Beat me if you want to reach me at 212-4333-TCV. If you have any comments, questions, compliments, or content ideas, that's 212-433-3822. You can also find us on the interweb at tcbpodcast. Com, which is where all of our audio and video lives. So check it out. And then while you're at it, you can follow us on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at Tcb Podcast. That's all for now, so let's have a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. Okay, I promise you, that concludes our possum-hating segment for today. And I will take this opportunity to present you with a couple more fun facts about possums. I just can't help myself. Sorry, Brian. First, they have a very low body temperature, which lends to them having a natural resistance to viruses like rabies because their body temperature literally can't support it. So every time you come across a possum and you're like, Don't touch it. That thing has rabies. Guess what? It's actually only pretending to have rabies. It literally drools and growls and blows snot bubbles to pretend to be sick so that you don't touch them. Who's the real problem?

Hmm? That's right. It's us. And you know what? Drooling, growling, and pretending to be sick so that you don't touch them is a normal thing to do when you're out at the bars. It's fine. I'm fine. Also, some species of possum are naturally resistant to snake venom and many poisons, which is just really cool and also could be super beneficial for humans in the future if we cared to study our possums. So that's all I'm saying. That's all I got to say about possums. But since we're on a critter-type beat today, I think we should dive deep back into the archives to listen to this lovely little segment I found where Brian and Christie review a pet psychic video featuring birds. I love it. Slay, queen. Slay boots down. Tweet, tweet.

You see, I was strolling on the internet.

As you do.

As I like to do. As I'm bound to do. You are bound. I'm strolling in the metaverse. Here's what made me think of this. When I was in the metaverse, they had... Some people had animals. They had little doggies. It's your little dog, too. I thought it to be very interesting, but a little off-putting, I don't know. I don't know why. I just thought, it's not creepy enough that we're all pretending to be something that we're not. But then you got a dog to play along, too. It made me remember that a long time ago. God, it's been so many episodes now. How many episodes have we done of this stupid show? I don't know. I think we're in the 2020s. So many episodes ago, we highlighted a pet psychic.

Do you remember this? Oh, God. Yes, I do.

It just made me think of the pet psychic, and I wanted to go back, and I wanted to take a little run at the pet psychic. I really wanted to take a look and see if we could find another Pet Psychic that was interesting. Okay. So who I found was Sonja Fitzpatrick. Okay. Apparently, one of the early host or hostesses on Animal Planet. Oh, yeah. And she had a show about her being able to talk to animals.

I think I remember this.

Who's that guy who used to talk to animals? Dr. Doolittle? Yeah. She's like the Dr. Doolittle of Animal Planet. Let's take a Just lost in the streets next to- Yeah, let's see what happened to him before she found him and how he got lost.

Just having an English accent just lends authority to anything.

Anytime someone with an English accent... That's why I'm always watching these stupid shows. Anytime someone with an English accent says something, they're trustworthy. They are. They're reliable sources of information. Absolutely. You don't figure the British are prone to fits of fancy. You know what I'm saying? I agree. I don't know. Theresa Caputo with her South Jersey accent. I can't believe anything she says from the moment her mouth is open. This lady takes me a while to just believe her.

Hold on, real quick. Speaking of English people and sex, going back to our topic previously, There's a show on Netflix called How to Build a Sex Room. It's fantastic. Oh, my God. It's this English woman that narrates or is the designer of these, and it's so good.

I have heard of this.

We binged it this weekend. It was so fun.

I have heard of this, and I'm going to get on it to report back to the listeners on my thoughts on that. Later on this week, we'll get into The Morning Show, which I started watching also.

The Morning Show. I've watched that.

With my favorite, Jenn Aniston. She's a girl. She looks so good. She does. She looks so good. How old is she? 70? She looks great. I say 70. She's like my age. She's in her 50s? She looks so good for 50.

Anyway, let's listen. Tons of money and good doctors.

Yeah, well, there's definitely some work being done. Now that it's in 4K and 3D and whatever the hell. But she looks good.

She's got good doctors.

She looks great. This is a good show. It is a good show. I remember Mechimen.

Here we find ourselves with Susan Fitzpatrick showing up at what is clearly- Sonia.

Sonia Fitzpatrick, what is clearly a very expensive home. I want to know, why is it all the women with a lot of money that find that they want to talk to their animals? Isn't this a trope that's probably true?

Yeah, I think so.

I don't know. I don't know. Do you ever want to talk to your animal in this manner? No.

No. He's upstairs.

He's really happy to see you.

Hello, Holly. His name's Holly because Courtney and Heather- Holly is a parakeet.

I just wanted you to know.

Yeah, it's a bird.

As if you don't hear enough from this fucking bird.

If he was a girl or a boy- Nobody knows.

You get so many people that have birds, and they don't even know what they are.

There's so many people that have birds, they refuse to stick their pinky in their little asshole to figure out what that has a little bird penis or not. It's a crime against humanity.

You'd be surprised.

Do you want to meet Holly? What's that, he said. What's that? It's a little tiny dog. Is it a cat? No, it's not a cat, Holly. It's a little dog.

Is she talking to the parent, like the parent's asking questions?

She's having a conversation.

With the bird. I'm sure that's what the bird is thinking. Is that a cat? No, that's not a cat.

Is that a domus? I don't Is that one of those bird-eating dolphins? I keep reading about it in the newspaper. I wasn't going to know it's a cat and a dog. It's not stupid.

It's crazy. He's pretty. He says He's pretty. Oh, he loved it, El Helen, because we're in here.

I know.

Listen, Sonia. It's me, Pee Dee the Parakeet. Do me a favor. It's been a long time since I've gotten any action. I'm stuck here in this cage. This crazy woman thinks it's okay to just open up the blinds and everything's going to be fine. I want some action. Is that a dog or a cat or a dolphin? It's pretty hot. It's really pretty. That's not what I said. I said she's a fucking smoke show. Tell her that.

He loves it because we're in here.

Well, he used to have... He had a friend, and then we didn't know who was who, boy or girl. And they started having- He's still grieving. They had eggs. And then for years, the eggs never hatched. And then one day, my daughter's, years, the egg hatched, so they had a baby. What?

That's not the way it works. Hey, girl, it's me, Carl.

That's not the way science works. I just wanted you to know. You actually can't have a baby stuck in indefinite osmosis, or whatever you call it. I just thought I'd call you up and let you know. You sound like a real- For years. Sound like a real dumb dumb right now, lady.

We had these eggs for years.

We had these eggs for decades. And then all of a sudden, they turned into dinosaurs, little velocaraptors. We had a T-rex running around the back. I thought to myself, Shit, I thought they were parakeets. I thought it was a female. I guess the men, do the boys lay the eggs in the parakeet world? Because she said he had the eggs. He laid the eggs. I don't know. I don't think so. I don't know if they're parakeets.

Then that little family lived for probably 10 years, and then one day the baby died and the mama died.

Yeah, he's still grieving from it, and he wants to know when you're getting him another bird.

That is wild. That is a wild story. Then just one day I thought the most interesting thing about this video was Susie...

What's her name? Sonia. Sonia, the bird whisper.

Yeah, and no, the moms are the ones with the eggs. I've I've seen enough planet Earth. Okay.

And they can't just have eggs, and then years later, they hatch, right? No.

That's not a thing. No. I mean, you had eggs up on your door.

I had eggs. They hatched. They hatched, but maybe that's because the snake was coming after them.

Yeah. Yeah, that's strange.

His mate.

Oh, look, I think he likes the camera.

He loves it because he's so happy we're here. He gets very lonely, he said.

You were He gets very lonely, he said. He was right.

He said he just wants a companion.

He says he does not like looking at your face daily. He likes to take a walk every once in a while. He wonders why you treat that dog better than he treat him. I'm just asking for him.

We have a TV for him right here. See? Yes. So they have a TV. He's a TV and movies. When his little family was alive, they would all sit up on that little and they watch. They get excited, so we tried to do- His little family was still like, God.

Before the great bird murder of 1998, everything was swimming. We'd sit around, eat popcorn. They would perch. Watch Michael Bay transformer movies. Everybody was happy. We would literally Netflix and chill. But then the birdlings that hatched after 10 years of sitting in an egg, They just fell over one day dead. Maybe they were never alive. Maybe they were.

Maybe somehow the egg cracked open.

Cracked open. And it was just... It was like a bird. I don't want to get into all the details. I don't want to scare away the children. I always get weirded out by people who put TVs. There's this pet place, Pet Palace or whatever it's called, that we used to take the dogs to. And for $25, you get them a run, which is just basically a box where they... Not a box, but a cornered off area. Yes, they can run. Whatever, 10 by 10, and they can run, and then they get let out, and they have play time with other dogs. But for $175,000 a night, you can get them. They have a bed, and they get an ice cream treat at the end of the night.

Yeah, it's a whole little hotel.

It's a room. Each room has a fucking TV in it playing 24 hours a day. I don't understand. I've never once seen my dog watch TV TV. I know there are cats that watch TV, but they're just tripping balls.

Yeah, my mom used to turn on the animal planet when she would leave the dogs in the house.

I can understand the noise.

It makes the human feel better.

It makes the human feel better. That's it. My grandma used to leave the radio on every time she would leave the house. She said that's because if anyone ever tried to break into the house, they'd think somebody was home. I think it made her feel better. Exactly.

Like Madagascar and Lion King. Things like that. He's probably so thrilled.

He knows what's going on, Helen. He knows he's very important, he's telling me.

Helen, he knows exactly what's going on. He knows he's being filmed for animal planning. He wants to know if we're going to sign a waiver or a collaboration agreement I meant, Helen, Helen.

It looks no different than when they first walked in there. He has no clue.

Of course, you have a great way with animals, Helen, but he really would like a mate, and he would like more people coming to visit him.

He would really like to meet. I told you. You did. I told you. You were on it. Pee Dee the parrot is over it. He's like, Dude, in the wild, I was getting laid three, four times a season. Exactly. Now I'm just looking at these stupid... You keep putting Madagascar on. The Lion King. Yeah, I know how it ends. The Lion King, everybody dies. Can we take that miserable movie off?

And he likes it when the music's playing. He's feeling so much better. He's just asking, How long will it be?

Probably not much longer now. You're suffering when I'm soon, dear.

How long will it be? Until he gets a mate? Is that the question?

I don't know. Chrissy, this lady doesn't know either. I know. She's made an entire living, ripping off rich white ladies of their money because they think she's Ms. Fids Doolittle or whatever. Then she could come in and start talking to the parakeet. She's going to speak to them. The reality is no one could talk to a parakeet like that. The parakeet has a human brain. How is that possible? They crucified Disney for this. They said, Stop making the animals. Stop humanizing the animals. Because a deer doesn't talk. A deer doesn't have friendships like humans have friendships, right? But apparently it's okay for Susie Midd's dick's little here to say anything she wants about the parrot. This poor parrot is just like, Get me out of the cage.

I know. Give me some fresh air.

But look, if you're really serious that he needs a friend, I'll go to Pet Smart today and get him. Go right now. Oh, yeah.

Go right to the world's most fantastic breeding place, Pet Smart, and go get him a three-dollar parakeet that's going to die tomorrow.

Did you get something that either looks close to him, his mate?

His mate was yellow.

Yes.

I could go find a yellow cockatoo. Is he excited about that?

Oh, he's a cockatoo?

He's preening.

He's preening.Oh, my God.He's acting for... Look, he's looking at the camera. Look. He's looking, he knows yet.

Look, Look, he's looking at the camera. Both eyeballs are wide open.

As they have been. He can see.

Little Bede can see. Was he blind before? No. Well, he can see. What a wonderful thing we're witnessing. Yes.

Oh, Helen, that's making him feel better.

Okay, well, I'm off to Pet Smart.

Okay.

We go there all the time anyway.

Why do I feel Why don't I feel like this is all well-placed product placement? Well, we're off to PetSmart. We go there all the time for $3.99 to buy one, get one free on bird seed this week. And while I'm there, I'll get a brand new dog leash for Bonesy here. Did you know that Pet Smart has the world's largest leash leash selection?

Yes, that's a good advertisement. Oh, my God.

This is a horrible, horrible show.

Yeah.

But he likes this room. He likes the quiet. He's asking, Where's the cat? There was one cat he didn't like.

Oh.

There was one cat he didn't like at all.

It is his.

That's not what I said. I'm asking you to free me into the wild. Take me back to Costa Rica where I belong. Yes. You dumb women, don't go to PetSmart and put another one of my brothers in a cage like this. Call us all back to Costa Rica.

He said that sometimes when the girls come home, they come and see him. Who sleeps in here?

Courtney.

He loves that when she's here. Because he said she comes home and she talks to him, and he loves that.

The shot of the bird.

Close-up shot of the bird, looking proud. Finally, someone does speak on my behalf. I've been saying this all along. Now, some crazy lady with too much lipstick comes in the door, and all of a sudden, you listen to her? I thought we were friends. Why do I think Mrs. Fitzpatrick found this talent as a lonely teenager? You know what I'm saying? She just started having conversations with the animals. Either that or she watched too many Disney movies. She felt like, Well, I could do that just as good.

Yeah, or maybe animals liked her. Like, animals like me, too. It's very strange. Dogs and and everybody likes me, but I'm not talking to them.

No. At least not allowed.

I don't pretend to know what they're saying to me.

I just... I don't get it.

I don't get it. I know.

I don't think this is more of a... Even though she calls herself a psychic, she's less of a psychic and more of a translator. Interpreter. Interpreter.

Yeah.

Communicator. Yeah, which I think is probably in high demand, if you think about it. Yes. There's probably a lot of rich white ladies who'd like to know what their food is Saying. Saying, yeah.

He passed. Come up to him. Oh, he likes you. He says you look after him. And he said you talk to him. And he said you talk to him all the time, and sometimes you make a little song. Yeah. He loved it.

Is that you? What was that? I had no idea. I didn't do that.

What was that?

That was little Petey.

Sometimes Sometimes you make a little song. He says, You make a lovely little song.

That was early animal planet going, Sorry, guys. We're on a limited budget.

He says, Tell her, 'Thank you, thank you for being so kind. Sometimes you sit on the bed and talk to him. He said, I love that. He said, Keep coming to see him. But he said, he really- He said, When's that evil woman going to pay you more money.

Right. She was like the house cleaner.

I don't know that that's true, but this appears to be a lady that works at the property, maybe a Filipino lady of some Asian descent.

She takes care of the bird. She takes care of the bird, yeah.

I'd like to have another mate, and he'd love a baby. He loved it because you put the TV on for him. Don't go out without putting it on, he just told me. Don't forget to put it on.

He just told me.

He loved it.

Mate says it Because I'm that goddamn TV. What does he think I am? Who likes to sit in a dark room all night? What is this? It's torture.

He said you look hard to him. He wants you to go closer.

He wants to bite your little face off. He wants to peck your eyeball out for not putting the TV on a night. He wants you to go closer.

I'm not putting I can still feel his sadness. I know.

I buried his wife and the baby. I buried his wife and the baby.

I buried his wife and the baby. The whole fucking town is cuckoo. What's going on? I buried his wife and the baby. Did they have a ceremony? Is there a certificate? Who's got a ring on his finger? What the fuck? Yeah.

This is strange. It's taking it to another level.

He's sad. I can you still feel the sadness came over and then when you said it telepathically, you were putting out images, and that made him sad. I'll tell him we will see them again one day.

That made him sad. Could you see his little bird tears? Oh, my God. He's bordering on... This is bordering on foolishness.

Yes, it really is.

I feel better. I'm going to tell him that he can feel and sense them around him, but he doesn't understand why he can't see them. I'm going to tell him that when we get out of our physical body, we are in energy and we don't have the physical body. But when he feels and senses his wife and his baby, she's there in a different way, and they're always around it.

Did you get that, Katie? I just told you it happened.

What a good fucking I know what death is. I'm an animal, not a moron. I've seen death in the jungle I saw. Pet smart people came and wiped us all out. This lady's given a philosophy class. I know. A barakeet. Same as they are, and you'll be with them.

He'd like that, he said. He'd like that. I just feel so much like sadness. But you helped him a lot, darling, and he wants me to say thank you to him, and he loves it when you come up. It's been my pleasure.

Can you start? She keeps making a humming sound. Crazy white lady's talking to the animal. It's time to go back home.

He wants you to put his name in it. Can you sing?

Okay, I'm going to sing a little song.

Is Julie going to sing you a beautiful song?

What song do I need to sing for him?

Here you go.

No pressure. You're on camera. No pressure.

Animal Planet's Ratings basically live and die with this song right here. We got three more weeks worth of running with the cash. If you don't sing this song well, it's all going down the tube, lady.

Life has begun. From this moment, you are the one right there.

Oh, oh, oh. From this moment on.

He loves that.

He did nothing different. He did nothing. He kept staring at this crazy lady and talking to him. Oh, man. Oh, Christie, I could do this. I could do this. This could be mine.

Yeah.

I think we should start it. Blue's saying she wants to take another shit on my floor. Blue's saying she likes watching me run I'm around like a chicken with my head cut off every time she barks. Nico's saying, Please put me out of my misery, man, whoever you are. Nico's saying, Am I dead yet? I can't tell.

Please tell me.

That's your pretty voice, Julie. Oh, thank you.

He loves music.

Yeah, he does.

I bet he does like music. Everybody does.

Everybody likes music. Yeah. Yeah. Who doesn't like music? You know those people that say that they don't like music? I'm not a music person. How are you not a music person? I don't get it.

It's in everything.

And how are you not an animal person? People who are not animal, people scare me. If you say you're not an animal person, you scare the shit out of me.

All right, that is everything I have for you today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you didn't, well, just keep that to yourself. And if you did, you should text us and tell us about it at 212-4333-TCB. You can also call and leave us a voicemail. Ask us a little Ask TCB, and maybe we'll answer it on the show in four months. You just never know. Could be great. Also, you can go to our website, tcbpodcast. Com. That's where all of our audio and video live. And you can just have yourself a time scrolling through there. I know I do. Aside from that, you can follow us on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. And that is basically everything I have for you. So I'll talk to you next week. But we also have some other special exciting, exciting, fantastic episodes in the can for you. So I'll talk to you then. Bye.