Transcript of Ep 629 - Like and Subscribe (feat. Danny McBride & Steve Gerben)

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
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The Wild Wild West.

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Hey, hey, we're live. Uh, Matt, where is Matt? He's in San Jose. He loves San Jose. Didn't he film a special there?

00:00:18

All right, that's it.

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Gerbys McBride, how are you guys?

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Wonderful, fantastic, great.

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Yeah, we were just talking about Steve sending his photo ID into porn websites.

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Yeah, we were. Yes. So, you know, sort of saying that I would do that because we are in South Carolina.

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Yes.

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And apparently you need to do that in order to access pornography. And I would— I was just telling everybody upon first meeting.

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See, that's, that's what's so crazy is like, I've lived here for 10 years. You can tell that I don't jack off to internet porn. I had no clue that you had to Yeah, I found out.

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I found out in about 8 hours. Oh man, what have you guys done?

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You got to bring in your own.

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You can't—

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you got to have a closed network for that, you know?

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That's right, apparently.

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But it worked. It worked. It shut me down.

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You don't— you don't just travel with like a thumb drive just full of the greatest hits.

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Greatest hit, that's what a guy calls it. FBI raids his house, it's got tape on it, says the greatest hits. Be funny if a guy with, uh, CP tried to hide it with like the way kids did on like Napster and shit. It was like greatest football hits homework. That's my homework file. Big hits. Vince Carter dunk. Anyway, what's going on, Kirby baby?

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Not much, not much. Yeah, thanks so much for having us down here. Oh, come on, this is incredible. I was telling Shane and you that this hotel is incredible. There's a kitchen. You can't see it off screen, but what a difference.

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Pretty standard.

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Yeah.

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Are you gonna use it?

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I've already used it. I grocery shopped this morning. Really?

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Yeah. Yep. A lot of good grocery stores downtown Charleston.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, a lot of good markets.

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What'd you get?

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Lactaid and, uh, you know, strawberries.

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What the fuck did you need a kitchen for?

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Well, because— because no, no, no. So I opened one of this. I was like going through them You know, a little like, oh, they got a NutriBullet in it. So then I said, you know, let's make a protein shake. Now, only complaint about—

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I need complaints.

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Well, no, no, hold on, not a complaint, but perhaps suggestion. This— the guy at his local mart was like, you know, I said, do you have any protein powder? He's like, oh yeah, right there. And it was espresso protein powder.

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Oh, so you jacked up?

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No, no, I didn't even— I I said, oh, do you have anything like, like protein powder without caffeine? He's like, yeah, that. I was like, no, no, no. And we just immediately dropped it. So I'll make like a milk and strawberry shake, perhaps find protein later.

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You will make a protein espresso shake, but you won't have anything to jack off to while you're here. That's going to be the summation of your trip.

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Well, what I would say is no, I would definitely show the government my face. To masturbate.

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It does seem— that seems so strange that they, yeah, need to log you in. Yeah, they need to know what you're up to.

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I know. Uh, I was—

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it's a very Republican— that's the Republicans.

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Is, is it?

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Yeah, you travel a lot. It's South Carolina, Texas.

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See, a lot of the ladies are really upset with South Carolina because of the crazy abortion bans, but you know, this jack-off thing doesn't really get talked about as much.

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It's our body, our choice. It is our body. But yeah, I think— didn't you— yeah, their boy just got— he died. Isn't he South Carolina? Lindsey Graham.

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Lindsey Graham.

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Oh, he might have been the guy putting his hands all over our Pornhub. Interesting. Now that he's gone, we can—

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now you can—

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we're free.

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You can infiltrate.

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We can use—

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use your friend's IDs. That's probably the best—

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probably the funniest thing you could possibly do.

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Yep.

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Take a picture of your friend's ID and Jack off to wild shit.

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What's that?

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Uh, Matt's joke is that he uses his wife's ID.

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That's awesome.

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So what is this something— you guys are on the road a lot. Is this something you encounter in a lot of states, or is this like—

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it's like literally just— and then it's all— it's funny because you, you don't remember, and you like, when you go to log in, you're like, come on, I wonder how fucking conservative this state is. You go, fuck, no weed, no backing off.

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Now is it just the major porn sites, or is it like—

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I only know really one. And then when I moved to Texas, I had to learn another one.

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Yeah.

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And the other one is disgusting.

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I know.

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And it keeps me off. I don't— I don't—

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because they're— well, so this is what I was telling you guys.

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The other one, Xvideos.

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Yes.

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Uh, the one— what I was saying is I do feel a little free now because I don't even go incognito. I just say whatever the algorithm sees that I'm liking, give me more of it.

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You want—

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you want the suggestions?

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Yeah, dude.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, and it keeps off— it keeps off what you're describing because Xvideos will be like, what about a couple guys?

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And now when you get a suggestion for one and it works, you're like, oh good, that fucking— that was right up my alley. Do you feel like— do you feel you need to thank the service?

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He does, he does.

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They know me. Great, thank you. That was a great wreck.

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No, he does. He's like, I tip the, uh, stars.

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Oh, I will.

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Well, sure.

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What do you describe them as? It's like actresses or, uh Adult stars. You said the word.

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I don't know, I probably said porn stars. Adult, adult, whatever the nomenclature is. Hold on a second, I don't like the service.

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Let me say, look, can I clear that up? Let me say this real quick, but it just reminds me of a time, uh, I remember my high school football coach came to my house, or my friend's house. Yeah, girl, we were watching— what? All right, high school football, you know, I'm just saying, when somebody When somebody calls a porn star, uh, like an entertainer.

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Okay.

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Uh, I just remember my football coach, my buddy was watching wrestling. It was like, what do you think of Stone Cold Steve Austin? He was like, he's an incredible entertainer. And I was like, damn, this guy's dumb as fuck. No, superstar. He said superstar because that's what they called the wrestlers. They were like, he's one of the top superstars. I was like, oh, he's gonna go 5-5. This guy's a fucking idiot. Anyway, so you were Clearing up the air on your, uh, don't you subscribe to some sites?

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Oh, oh, I do. No, it's all right, I got no shame about it. I do, but I think it can be—

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you should have immense shame.

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Gene, I can't help what I like, and I'm not gonna, you know, it's like I, I'm not gonna pirate.

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You want the answer?

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Even though, even though I do feel, you know, pay the people. Yeah, but I'm just paying a guy. Which also, you know, it's like, how much is he really—

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he's a guy who knows your proclivities though. He knows what you like.

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He said, I know, I know, but what's he paying the— is he paying the actresses?

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I don't know if you're interested in this, but you should probably tell him the proclivity.

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Well, should I?

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What is it?

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Well, it's Gloryhole, but hold on, let me clear this up.

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Okay. All right.

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Yeah, because there's a Gloryhole website. Oh, where's the coverage from? Is it on— is it on which side of the wall?

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Such a wonderful question. I'm so glad you asked because the coverage is the key. Now you want my critique?

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What? You're crazy.

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All right, well then I don't have to do it.

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No, I'd like to hear it, but I do like the idea of the camera being a GoPro on the guy's head. No, they're just against a wall, like the autistic kid that loves trains, where it's like that— you know what I'm talking about? That British kid. Yeah, yeah, fisheye lens GoPro on top of his head.

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This particular site in the past, I think it's, I think it's past its glory days, if you will, but edit that out. Uh, just, I'm kidding. It was just such a bad joke. But, um, there is like an auxiliary sex room.

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Okay.

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So, so, you know, if, if, you know, I don't know, I don't know how the discussion is offered, but if that's, then they could go and they have sex in different rooms. I find it, I don't know why my brain likes that. I think it's—

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and I, you know, I get the idea of it in person, the actual, the physical element, the watching of it. How do you— I'm curious of how it translates to a video that you watch. So are you— is it like POV? Are you the guy walking into the room? No, no.

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So it's more of—

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it's like someone being forced to be at the receiving end of the glory hole. Is that the— sorry, someone being forced to be at the receiving end of the glory hole? Is that like— is it what What happens in the videos?

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So there you're effectively in a booth.

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Okay.

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And she is the center. Stage right and left are separate holes.

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Okay.

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Then you're watching this go down, a blowjob, you know, either direction. And then somebody will— I don't know how, but they'll say to you— I guess I do know how they would say You want to go fuck or whatever? And then they will go into a separate room where it is more of a— what should we edit this out?

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So it evolves. Gotcha. It's not just in the hole. It evolves. It's a story. That's just the launch point.

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Yes.

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Okay. Got it. Got it.

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Yes. And I think it dovetails into this other— well, and I've talked about, you know, that sort of like tease.

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I like that you found a website that specialized in the— and this is the— this is the, the movements that we Highlight.

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Well, I think though that maybe a little cart before the horse. I, it was, I saw it at one point and then I said, ooh, and you're like, I want more of these.

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Is there anyone who specializes in making this kind of content? Yeah.

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And then you have your favorite starlets.

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Uh, I have, I have a great—

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Superstars, the divas.

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Not—

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you have the greatest hits divas.

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Yeah, who— for that site?

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No, I thought you told me you had some favorite divas.

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Well, I have some like favorite, you know, this is great.

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This is a good promo for Tires 3. Yes, season 3. Anyway, I've embarrassed myself enough. Danny McBride talked about glory holes.

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Do you feel really bad that I'm talking to you about glory holes?

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You shouldn't. I'm really— I've been enlightened by this. I'm understanding new things. I like it. So yeah, what else you got?

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Yeah, uh, I threw Steve on the ground the other day. We took a took a jet down here, and I was sitting and he was getting up to go to the bathroom, and he stood over me, and I was like, Steve, I swear to God, without getting up, I'll throw you on the ground. And he was like, I'd like to see you try. And then I threw him on the ground without getting up. It was very fun.

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Yeah, that's, that's like a, that's a rock star story. You're on a private jet and you threw a buddy on the ground.

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Yeah.

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And then, yeah, and then he went out today and looked for some protein. He's got to bulk up.

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He's like, I gotta bulk up. I can't be tossed around that easily.

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Well, in all fairness, he was wearing sunglasses and, uh, expensive wristwatch, so I didn't want to, you know, damage any of it.

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That's a good friend. That is— that's good.

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So I took it— took it easy on the kid. And, you know, maybe we'll see next time. It was pretty humiliating because I— it was one of those ones where I don't know how I was suddenly on the ground.

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Well, I think it was the drugs you took and the, uh, how fucked up you were. Worst. I'm giving you credit on that.

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Yeah, I took half a lorazepam and then I asked for a vodka rocks and she gave me like a vodka with like an ice cube.

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Perfect.

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Yeah, and boy was that wonderful.

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He's afraid to put you down. He's afraid to fly, so he gets—

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so you got to get a little loose.

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Yeah, yeah, you were fun. You usually aren't that fun. Yeah, because you were having a good time and you were not afraid at all. That was great.

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I'll tell you, that was, that was a— I mean, getting— because we sat on the tarmac for like 30 minutes.

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Yeah, at least.

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And you just— and then a little recline and say, well, whatever happens, happens.

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It's a pretty sweet way to travel.

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Yeah.

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Oh my goodness.

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Yeah, yeah.

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And every time you take one of those, you're just like, am I being a total asshole? This is like what somebody makes in an entire year.

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Yeah.

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And I'm just doing this to drive to go 45 minutes somewhere and fucking get thrown on the ground. Yeah, it's the hardest thing to justify. It's polluting the environment. It's great. It's everything about it, right? It's like the glory holes. It's just— it's stimulating in every aspect.

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I would say if they don't leave to go to the auxiliary room, I don't find the glory hole as exhilarating.

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It's just got to be the launch pad.

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Yep, right.

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Have you—

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maybe this is getting too deep— have you—

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can I jump in?

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Have you done this?

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What?

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Have you done a glory hole for real?

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That's what I was going to say. Absolutely not.

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No, no.

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And not, not there's anything wrong with it if you, if glory holes, it's not something I would ever want to do.

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You would do that in a heartbeat.

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You are wrong.

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You are wrong.

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I will, would I lie about that?

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No. You think I would, but no, you wouldn't lie.

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Yeah.

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But you're telling me there's a little carve out in this wall right here.

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Absolutely not. Absolutely not. That's not my—

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tonight though, when you get back, you go, a carve out in a wall? Yeah, that's a—

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you were about to say it's not my thing after just telling us you like and subscribe to a sermon. That is very much—

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it's definitely, it's definitely my thing to like watch, but I, I truly don't— do you have anything that you watch and you don't want to do? Really?

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Not really. I mean, yeah, obviously.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, of course.

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Pro wrestling.

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Pro wrestling.

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Watch it.

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I'm trying to do it. I'm not doing it. Yeah, the war in Ukraine.

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Yeah, I love to watch those drones, but I'm not trying to be in there.

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Yeah, but I've never liked and subscribed like that.

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Well, you know, I—

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you don't want to hunt MILFs in a van.

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MILF Hunter, that was a great one.

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That was a classic. That was the first one, dude.

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Yeah.

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Did you like and subscribe to that?

00:14:17

I did.

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Did you ever have a subscription?

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Of course I've had subscriptions in the past.

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Really? Yeah, but it was—

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well, let's see.

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Did you and your dad share one?

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No, my— me and my dad did not share. Why would you—

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yo, son, I got a browser's password.

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You know, it's not how my dad talks.

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Oh my God, I gotta see.

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That's not how he talks either.

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We've got to be frugal. I know you're going to be masturbating, we might as well share it. Your mother and I are sharing a brazzers. Oh well, this is podcasting.

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It's beautiful in a hotel room in Charleston.

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Yeah, you excited for the big premiere tonight?

00:15:02

Absolutely. I mean, this season, I'm, you know, biased, but I think it's our best. Yeah, I think it's good. John McGee did such an amazing job with it, and Yeah, you are incredible. I've already said that to you and everybody else, so I'm excited for everybody to see it.

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And yeah, beautiful, beautiful. That's better than me. I did Fallon yesterday and they're like, could you describe Tires to the people who haven't seen it?

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And I was like, hard to.

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It's like, uh, workplace comedy with my friends. Like, okay, let's see a clip. And I knew they were gonna ask that and I still couldn't.

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He's such a nice guy, but I gotta— the late night shows, I feel like, are the— they're the worst thing. I'll never do the— I I hate doing them. Yeah, I would rather come and talk and run my mouth for an hour than have to like package something in like 3 minutes that feels spontaneous that's not spontaneous.

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Yeah, the phone call before, like the day before, where they're like, what do you want to talk about? This is—

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and then don't you start feeling really weird about your life? Like, I got nothing to talk about. There's not anything funny that's happened to me, nothing that I can wrap up in 45 seconds.

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And then they come into your green room before and they're like, here's basically like a script, like, here's the questions, do you want to see what your response was on the phone? And you're like, I can't memorize this because then I'm gonna— and then I kind of memorized it. So he was like, stand up. And I was like, yeah, at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. And, uh, it was, uh, and then truckers would show up and use racial slurs. They're like, all right, we're gonna cut that. They did cut that. That was pretty funny.

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There's also— it's fun when you do one of those. I've done a few times where you they lob you the question and you know what you're supposed to say back, and then you just go in a totally different direction. You watch the look on their eyes, you're like, no, no, this isn't it, this isn't what we were supposed to do. I, I always would get really nervous doing those shows, uh, just like, I think the first time I did Conan, I couldn't even eat for like 2 days before. I was just so apprehensive about it. I also had never done press before. It was for Foot Fist Way. But then I had one of the worst things happen on one of the shows, and after that I was like, oh, this is fine. I was on Kimmel and I was like doing the— we were in the middle of doing the interview and then all of a sudden something that I'd never seen happen before, the stage manager came on the speaker and said, hey, we have to cut. Danny's mic is like not working. And then they had to like stop it in front of the whole audience, come in there, redo the mic, and then you had to— they had to go back and reset the question and start over again.

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And it was like, well, that's about the worst that could happen. They literally tell you to stop in the middle of it.

00:17:36

Uh, I try to bring Steve with me and then I can just constantly be like, I can tell him about jacking off. He'll be like, well, I will.

00:17:44

Jimmy Fallon would have probably loved that.

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You should be like, oh, okay guys. Uh, no, it's very uncomfortable and there's— I don't—

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yeah, some people are amazing at it, but I'm so bad at it. Yeah, me too. I don't feel like I'm good at it at all.

00:17:57

I just like when you watch the next person go on and they're like— the lady followed me last night, she was excellent. Yeah, she like walked out like, hey everybody, hey, you were Jimmy, it's so good to see you.

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Huge laughs.

00:18:08

Also, the other thing is they don't tell the fucking crowd who's gonna be on.

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Oh yeah, so there's a thing like, oh, it's these guys.

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They go, who the fuck is that guy? I could see it because the, the main guest I think that they all knew about was a guy named Role Model, who's a singer. And it's— so the crowd, they cut to the crowd before I went out there. I was in the green room and saw it and I was like, oh Fuck, it's all— it was just like girls in their 20s. I was like, this is gonna be—

00:18:35

they knew who you were.

00:18:37

I don't think so.

00:18:38

Yeah, they did.

00:18:38

They do.

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They were intimidated.

00:18:40

Yeah, that was what it was by my fidgeting. Like, man, this guy's so confident.

00:18:47

I, uh, I saw it. I didn't real— you know what I didn't realize? I didn't realize that you went to Elon College. I didn't realize you went there. You know, I went to school in Winston-Salem, which was not far from Elon. It was an art school. So whenever we wanted to have like more of a normal college experience, we would go to Elon and go party with some of my friends there. We'd go to a place called the Lighthouse. Yeah, that's still there.

00:19:07

Yeah, I don't know if it's still there.

00:19:09

It was there and I threw up on someone in the Lighthouse one time by accident. That's awesome. I got hammered there and I felt that I had gone too far. So I was like trying to get back to the bathroom, felt it come on. I put my hand in my mouth and fucking sprayed through my hand and sprayed on a guy. And a big dude, and I'm just like, oh God. And he looks at me and he's like, you puked on me. And I was like, I'm so sorry. And then he just said, give me $5. And I was like, all right, fucking gave him $5.

00:19:36

He didn't beat my ass.

00:19:37

I felt like it was a fair trade. You're like, all right, I fucking puked this dude and I guess $5 makes it okay. It's fine.

00:19:43

Yeah, perfect.

00:19:45

He could have gone for $20. I would have probably paid him $20. Yeah, $5 is probably just enough to cover his next Bud Light. That's probably what it was.

00:19:52

Yeah, what would have been the limit on that?

00:19:56

You know, if he would have asked for much more than $5, I probably wouldn't have been able to pay up.

00:20:00

I didn't—

00:20:00

yeah, I wasn't—

00:20:01

you gotta kill me. Elon was fun. Kirby's, where'd you go? You went to Drexel, right?

00:20:12

Well, I went to George Washington, failed out, then Delco, and then failed out.

00:20:16

And then both you guys failed out of school?

00:20:17

Yeah, cool.

00:20:19

Very sick.

00:20:19

Not the brightest, not the brightest group.

00:20:23

Look at you now.

00:20:24

Yeah, hang on. Uh, did you just like— personal— so like, did you know that you wanted to do this kind of stuff from a young age, or—

00:20:38

I did know I wanted to like make movies. I didn't know if I was going to be in them. That kind of just happened after school. But yeah, I always did want to make movies. I did with my buddies at home. I was like a little fucking Dawson's Creek running around making movies all the time.

00:20:52

Oh, that's awesome.

00:20:53

But, and then I went to film school, which I don't think I would have been able to cut—

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go—

00:20:56

I would have failed out if I went to a regular school. I needed to go to like an art school. I was done with homework. I wanted to just do fun shit. So yeah, I went to North Carolina School of the Arts, went to film school there, and that's where I met all the guys that I like still work with now. Yeah, so I was, I was lucky. I mean, now my son's getting ready to go into high school. I feel sorry for people who don't know what they want to do because like, what an incredible waste of time to have to like go to college and figure it out.

00:21:24

That was— yeah, that, that was my experience. We were like, what am I doing?

00:21:29

Yeah, ka-ching, ka-ching, all the money's going out the fucking door.

00:21:33

Didn't you, uh, did you ride tires at Drexel?

00:21:36

Yeah, yep. So, uh, that was like my senior project. It's surreal that it was like 20— going about 20 years ago.

00:21:43

That's awesome, I didn't know that. That's great. Yeah, so you just had that in your back pocket just waiting for Shane to blow up so you can get that thing made?

00:21:48

Yeah.

00:21:50

That's great. Then we had made it going on about 10 years ago. Yeah, that we just filmed that short and it just sat and— wow, it's surreal. Yeah, it's utterly surreal.

00:22:01

So you guys were both of you all trying to make stuff when you guys were, were young men?

00:22:06

Definitely. Yeah, but I was making like— yeah, we were filming sketches. Yeah, I remember that.

00:22:10

What were yours?

00:22:11

The worst one that if anybody finds, I was in like 8th grade. It was, uh, it was right after 9/11. And I used to do a George Bush impression, just— it was copying Will Ferrell. Yeah, from SNL. And I remember it's like the craziest fucking video on Earth. Maybe edit this out, but I was, I was holding up the fucking USA Today that had the towers on it, and I was like, oh, I'm burning!

00:22:39

Oh my God!

00:22:42

And how old were you then?

00:22:43

I was in 8th grade.

00:22:44

Yeah, come on, that's how you got to make jokes about that stuff.

00:22:47

And then I was doing like a George Bush impression talking about it, like, we're gonna hunt down the terrorists. And then, yeah, if somebody finds that tape, I think that's advanced, dude. I think that's good.

00:22:56

I think it's good.

00:22:57

8th grade, 8th grade, mocking 9/11. Yeah, literally like the week after. Yeah, it's crazy.

00:23:04

That's, that's what you do when you're a kid, you know.

00:23:06

Jackass hit us. Yeah, then Jackass came out, so then that's— we, we shifted from comedy to start stapling your nuts to things. Yeah, literally just— we were all, we were all also pussies, so we wouldn't do anything like— it'd be like jumping off like 8-foot shed. You'd like land on your feet, like no one got hurt.

00:23:22

I'm Shane Gillis and I'm jumping off this stair.

00:23:26

Tiny shed. Oh, that was gnarly. Yeah, Jackass was big for us.

00:23:33

I love Jackass. I like— I, I really do think it's like one of the greatest shows that has ever been made.

00:23:40

When I went to— I was in Spain for a while and that, like, people love Jackass. Like, that was the one comedy that translated to Spanish. Like, I remember seeing people with like Jackass t-shirts on the subway and I was like very proud. Oh, it's so like, America fucking rules, dude. Hell yeah, that Jackass. Yeah, the whole world gets to see that.

00:23:58

Those movies are the fucking funniest too. Like, I always love them. I remember that one, it wasn't the last one, the one before that came out. It was— you think about the glory holes?

00:24:07

No, I just, I thought of the one of the first sketches. I'll tell you a second.

00:24:10

Yeah.

00:24:11

That, that one that came out during COVID I think my, my son was like, maybe he was like, what is he now? He's, he's 14 now. So COVID, he would have been like, yeah, he would have been like 8 years old. Uh, I was like, we gotta get back to normal now. Like, now the movies are like starting to open up. Like, let's go fucking see Jackass together. So I took him at 8 years old to go see Jackass as a way to get out of COVID And I was like, damn, there's more dicks in this one than a lot of dicks. And I just keep sitting there like, this is great, right? You love this, right?

00:24:42

Dude, you know what, I, uh, just went to see the new Jackass and I forgot that I cry at the end of every Jackass. Oh, it's the most embarrassing. Yeah, there's always like an emotional montage at the end of everything and they all, they all look like they're having so much fun that I, I understand that.

00:24:58

They're just like, I like this group, I like these guys.

00:25:01

Knoxville cries at the end of it. They're like, is this the last one? And he's like, I think, yeah. And it's like that when, when Ryan Dunn died and they do that whole thing about him, it's like Yeah, I went with a girl to see it and I cried at the end of Jackass, like 2 weeks ago. It's emotional. Yeah, I gotta stop crying.

00:25:22

I still— I tell the story, I know we've talked about on the podcast, but you watching 50/50 on a first date and getting hit. There's this scene where it, it got us both. We didn't even know each other, but Joseph Gordon-Levitt, incredible performance, and he's on a first date.

00:25:37

I took a girl on a date to see that. And thinking it was gonna be like more of a comedy. And, uh, at the— like, I had my arm around her, and this is very early, like, for real first date, and I was trying to hold in crying like as hard as I could, like that. And then like my body was like— and then he's like— he says like goodbye to his mom before he gets surgery.

00:26:01

Well, yeah, it's, it's more than that because he's asking the anesthesia physiologist questions about what's going to happen during the surgery, and he's trying to ask questions, and then he just goes, Mom, and he just wants to hold her hand.

00:26:15

And you're about to start crying now, even though—

00:26:17

well, that's from laughing.

00:26:18

That's why.

00:26:19

Yeah, yeah, that's a laugh cry.

00:26:21

You cried talking about it.

00:26:22

No, I don't. I cried talking about that dumb reel that you made me feel stupid about, bro.

00:26:27

Yeah, I'm an idiot. This is, this is how he's like an actual— like, you— Steve's like, is very good at talking, and like, he seemed like he dresses like he's a smart person. And then thank you for saying good talk. Yeah, you are. That— you trick everyone into me. I'm like, I met you, I was like, goddamn, this guy's smart as fuck. And then he sent me a video of crying, showing me a video of a bunch of guys on horses riding next to a school bus that's on its way to a football game. It's like their dads had flags.

00:26:57

Yeah, American flags. The music. All right, whatever it is, I like it.

00:27:02

You're a human being. That's good. You should—

00:27:05

yeah, yeah. And then he shows— he's like, check this out, you're gonna love this. It's also, how do you not know me well enough?

00:27:12

Because they were— it was dads, right? I still don't believe dads riding horses next to their kids' football team's bus.

00:27:19

Yeah, he's so fucking— look at me.

00:27:21

It was the effort they put in. They put in some effort.

00:27:24

They did. Yeah.

00:27:26

Do you think my dad would— if I looked out of my high school football team's bus and saw my dad riding a horse like, go get him, son, I'd be like, dude, who—

00:27:40

which of those dads had that idea? Like, all right, let's get the horses.

00:27:44

It's so—

00:27:44

we're gonna follow the bus.

00:27:45

They got big American flags.

00:27:47

They should have— they should have had guns. They should have fucking six-gun solution their ass.

00:27:52

Yep. Yeah, it's very embarrassing. I bet that team lost by 50, dude, to a bunch of kids without dads. They got the score run up, dude.

00:28:02

Their dads were— their dads were all on motorcycles. They fucking 12 going 12 o'clock, burning home.

00:28:08

Oh, but Steve was like, check this out, it's amazing. It's like, dude, you are a fucking— you have a 12 IQ, dude.

00:28:16

It's really humiliating when you're sharing something with somebody that you think they're gonna like and then they, they call you gay and dumb.

00:28:24

I get— I do— I get tripped up over weird stuff. Like, there's a Publix, is the grocery store here. They always have these like fucking 45-second just stingers that just like go— it's a grocery store and they're like, why are they trying to make me cry? I'm just I go there to buy chicken and subs. Like, you don't need to be pulling at the heartstrings. They got this one that's like flawless. Every— I've seen it a million times. Every time it comes on, it always like— I gotta like kind of like pretend like I'm on my phone or drinking a drink or something. Like, oh, the LaCroix, it's making my eyes water. It's like, it's so simple. It starts where it's like a little girl and she's with her mom and her stepdad. Oh, I think his name is Steve. And he's like at the birthday and he like gives her a present. She's like, Thanks, Steve, you know? And he's like, oh. And then like she's a little older and he like gives her something else. Thanks, Steve. And it just like goes all the way till she gets older. And then finally on the day of her wedding, she's like in the room and he comes, he's like, you look beautiful.

00:29:15

And she goes, thanks, Dad. And then you're like, oh, I'm about to start crying now. Like, fuck, it worked, man.

00:29:21

It worked.

00:29:22

But then it's like Publix, like this is where you go to buy PubSubs and fried chicken. Why don't you just take me on that journey?

00:29:30

Oh yeah, there's a— yeah, there's some commercials that'll get you. Yeah, there's a fucking— my dad would get choked up at the Budweiser horse. There's like a baby Clydesdale and he's like, hey, fucking little guy, he's trying so hard.

00:29:45

That was a big Super Bowl ad, wasn't it?

00:29:47

It's like last year.

00:29:51

That little guy, he's trying.

00:29:52

Yeah, it's funny how many times I've seen my dad drunk cry in a recliner from something emotional. We were watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

00:30:01

I look over and he is sobbing, crying on the 'that's not a pillow' scene, right? That's what he was like.

00:30:07

That's—

00:30:08

yeah.

00:30:08

Oh, fuck.

00:30:09

Well, something similar to that that would always get me was, uh, getting gifted adoption papers.

00:30:18

I thought that's where that Publix was going, where it's 'you're mine now, I own you.' Yeah. Here you go.

00:30:27

Moneyball gets me. Oh, Moneyball makes me cry. I've showed that to people that it had zero effect on in that kitchen, and it made me very embarrassed. It was like a Silver Linings Playbook. I cry every time.

00:30:37

Who, who was unaffected by Moneyball?

00:30:40

Dumb girls. Oh, oh, they don't understand baseball. They want to see the Savannah Bananas. I don't want to see this. Yeah, you probably love the Savannah Bananas.

00:30:54

That's what I was—

00:30:54

no, I was surprised how wrong I was. Yeah, you seem like a banana man. Yeah, you seem like a banana man.

00:30:59

They're like the Harlem Globetrotters of baseball, right? That's their deal. Yeah, they do flips and shit.

00:31:04

The flips are actually sick, but then they ruin it by being hot guys and doing like— they do like hot guy dances and singing, and it's like, yeah, what are we doing here, fellas? It's a kid's show.

00:31:14

Hot guys dancing, that's what you want.

00:31:17

You'll see the hot guys dance. You'll go, this is weird. Shirts come off, they take their shirts off, they have like eye black and like a mullet, and they're trying to look so fucking cool.

00:31:24

Does it play when you're up in the stands watching that from afar? Does it like work?

00:31:28

It probably would be horrible looking because they're doing a TikTok, they're facing a camera like in front of the pitchers mound. Yeah, from the upper deck, that must be like, damn, these guys, these guys suck. But then they do a flip and catch the ball and you're like, all right, well, that shit rocks the bananas. Yeah, the bananas are going crazy. Now I swear they have a rule that's actually sick, which is like a foul ball is live. So the fans have to like throw it back.

00:31:49

Oh, that's a great rule.

00:31:51

That is great. They should just— they should include that in, in real base— in real baseball.

00:31:54

Yeah, we talked about it. And then, uh, teams would just pay guys with cannon arms to just sit in the fucking— it'd be an arms race.

00:32:04

Just—

00:32:04

or just hold on to it and let them get all around the bases.

00:32:06

Exactly.

00:32:07

There you go.

00:32:08

Yeah, you'd have to fight that guy.

00:32:10

That would be awesome. Yeah, that's how that's— people start getting other things. Yeah, it's crowd participation.

00:32:14

Yeah, it's a good sport, actually.

00:32:17

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Many things in life don't go according to plan. No, but that's kind of the beauty of it, right?

00:32:24

Yeah.

00:32:25

And as you adapt, BetterHelp can help you figure it out. Excuse me. If you feel comfortable— oh, sorry.

00:32:32

If you feel comfortable—

00:32:36

I'm sorry. Talk about a life change or pivot where therapy could have—

00:32:40

that's gonna need some butter—

00:32:42

or was beneficial.

00:32:46

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00:33:03

When you make time for yourself, you make time for yourself, and it helps everybody.

00:33:07

Exactly.

00:33:07

It helps everybody around you.

00:33:08

That's what I'm saying.

00:33:09

Like, ever, ever since Nate started going to therapy I've noticed a change. Me too. And he's— he's— I've felt better being around him.

00:33:16

Yeah, yeah, he was doing all kinds of weird stuff and rotten. Yeah, really mean. Whatever you're going through, Nate, you can meet with a range of professionals specializing in different areas. You don't have to navigate life's challenge changes alone. Yeah, you have to navigate those changes alone.

00:33:32

No, like when you, like, you know, you're challenging, like, something you believed about yourself your whole life but you knew it was false.

00:33:40

Thought I was you too.

00:33:41

Nate thought he was— you knew girls. But if you talk to people—

00:33:50

I actually— getting me— getting married will actually— that'll, that'll help you. That actually helps. If you don't like girls, we get married, you'll start—

00:33:55

trust me, you're fine. That's how, that's how you do that. You'll be fine.

00:33:58

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00:34:05

Yes. Uh, what else is going on, Steven? How's your—

00:34:08

yeah, well, not— not— how's golfing? Oh, golf is good. Not to like me monster it, but the, uh, because I— the— when we were talking about early sketches, um, one of the ones that I did with my cousin— it was my cousin, hello— and it was the thing that just kind of made me laugh was thinking about my mom and my aunt's reaction to it because it's so— it's so juvenile. It was like, you know, we just learned about, you know, I guess cum and what have you. So like we just played this scenario where like, wait, what happened? Well, we just learned about, you know, how old were you? I don't know.

00:34:39

You made a cum video with your cousins?

00:34:43

Yeah. No one— I think we've talked to us. Yes.

00:34:45

I don't think we've talked about it.

00:34:46

Nobody was— you know, it's, it's just the art of filmmaking.

00:34:52

What was the sketch? That— hello—

00:34:53

walked in, I was like married, you know, to your cousin. Yeah. And then she, she was like, spat out milk and water. You know, just like as if— so, but I thought it was so funny at the time, and my mom, my aunt, just horrified.

00:35:09

Of course they had to destroy that tape.

00:35:13

Uh, I'm sure. Yeah, it was also VHS, so that was like you would just record over it for your next—

00:35:19

yeah, those are the days. It could just be a bad sketch could be erased just like that. Yeah, we would make, starting like 6th grade, really 6th to 8th grade, we were rocking a lot of little, little short in-camera edit movies. We made one called Do the White Thing. It's kind of right out— right after Do the Right Thing came out, and it was just about a bunch of white people in a mansion and the AC went out and they were all trying to figure out how to like survive.

00:35:45

How old were you when you made it?

00:35:46

I was in— that was in 6th grade we made that.

00:35:49

Yeah.

00:35:51

And then we followed it up with, uh, Stand By Me 2. Which was about that the kids that had found Ray Brower, that they unlocked a curse, and then Ray Brower came to kill them all. The kid who died on the train.

00:36:03

Yeah.

00:36:03

And so it was a horror movie, and, uh, and me and my friends each played the original cast members, and Ray Brower came and killed each of us.

00:36:13

We made— I think we made one where it was, it was like the Blair Witch. It was like, uh, but there was a ghost, and it was kind of a we just made fun of a kid's mom that was also in it. We just— the ghost just imitated his mom's voice. And so like every scene he'd be like, stop it! And the ghost would come out and go, Andrew! I said fucking go! That's every scene. That was a classic.

00:36:38

And you're saying in-camera edits, that, that like, that's where you rewind back to where you want the edit and then you like do it and then like pause and then you turn around and like—

00:36:47

but because it would like take a second second or two to roll, you would have to like pause and then like hit record, and then the person would have to wait like a second and a half. We had the timing down to then like say—

00:36:56

yes, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, you guys are doing more advanced shit. We were jumping off— they're pretty shitty holding up 9/11 headlines.

00:37:05

Oh, that's pretty good.

00:37:08

Yeah, we did— my brother and I got into like—

00:37:10

you guys were doing freak shit, dude.

00:37:12

No, that was gross.

00:37:13

You had your cousin spit out cum? Yeah, because spit out your cum.

00:37:18

Again, hello, you gotta bleep this out.

00:37:21

Last name too, give the last name.

00:37:23

Wow, wow. She— no, so hello. Yeah, um, what was I saying?

00:37:32

Well, because like your cousin, there was a Richard we were talking about.

00:37:36

She got into— she got into Richard, uh, Simmons back in the day, and that was like— it was really cool.

00:37:43

And that, that's what made her want to do the cum scene. That was it.

00:37:47

I think it was me going, this is gonna be so funny. But yeah, before that it was, uh, way more tame. It was my brother and I would make superhero videos. So it was like, and they all had the same structure, which is like he would narrate, I'd come in as the superhero, you'd have a dance, and then you'd fight a villain.

00:38:07

So we used to film, uh, wrestling. We would do WWF.

00:38:11

Yeah.

00:38:11

And there's a video, I was Undertaker, the littlest kid was X-Pac. I choke slammed him and he rolled into a pole. And this kid had the craziest temper, so then it becomes him like, you see everyone running. It was such a good video. Oh, he used to spaz. He was great. Yeah, he attacked us constantly. And he would attack whoever. Like, he'd be fighting somebody else and then everyone had to run. He whipped me in the back with a Hot Wheels track when he was fighting his brother. It fucking killed.

00:38:45

Terrifying.

00:38:46

Yeah, he was a wild kid. It's good stuff.

00:38:51

You feel— that seems sad at the end. Did something happen to him?

00:38:55

No, he's doing well. I can't believe it because he was like a real—

00:38:58

he got that temper.

00:38:59

He was the littlest brother and he was tiny. But he was nuts, and he would just— again, he would just attack everyone. You'd hear him coming. Somebody would fight him like downstairs, you'd hear him come running up the steps just trying to fight him. It was so scary, dude. Yeah, what's going on with you? Yo, I'll get out—

00:39:23

hanging out this hotel room.

00:39:24

I'll never— dude, audiobooks, I cannot do that. That was brutal.

00:39:29

That's pretty hard, wasn't it?

00:39:30

Yes.

00:39:31

You did great though. I remember after your recording session, you, you were like, yeah, you seemed worried, but you were awesome.

00:39:37

All right, good.

00:39:38

But it was— I wouldn't have asked people to do it, I think, if I knew how difficult it was. I didn't think it would be difficult.

00:39:44

I didn't think so at all.

00:39:45

But then you start, you're getting in there and like on hour 4, you're kind of like, I think I've forgotten how to read.

00:39:50

Totally.

00:39:51

I'm stumbling over every single word. It's weird because you're reading but you're also performing at the same time, so you're having to really concentrate. In the moment that you start drifting about like, what's for lunch, it's just like, fuck, I blew it. I just—

00:40:04

well, I went in, I went in, uh, a little hungover, late. Like, I woke up late, so I had to get— I didn't eat breakfast, I just drank it.

00:40:13

If you're not showing up for your audiobook recording a little late, then what kind of fucking baller are you, you know?

00:40:18

But I got it, and the room's so quiet, and the microphone is literally— I could just hear my stomach the entire— the whole time it was like— and they'd be like, all right, we gotta do that sentence again.

00:40:28

Why don't you eat something and then let's get back in here?

00:40:30

And then they were like, so this is— we have you booked for 6 hours, so we can do it. I was like, at like hour 3, they're like, do you want to— we can come back tomorrow. I was like, I can't come back.

00:40:41

No, you got to motor through.

00:40:43

Just getting this thing.

00:40:43

That's how I felt. They kept asking, I want to take breaks. I'm like, absolutely not. I'm going.

00:40:47

And it's so embarrassing when you can't read, and there's two people waiting for you to fucking read.

00:40:53

They're like, you pronounce it the— it's the—

00:40:55

yeah.

00:40:57

I kept getting notes that I was like, like garbling the words. I was like, that's like, that's a choice. It's for the performance. I'm swallowing these words.

00:41:05

Yeah, like you have to enunciate every single word. Yeah, like you're combining every word. And yeah, it was tough, but we did it.

00:41:12

We did it. I think the audiobook actually is pretty awesome.

00:41:16

Yeah, it is.

00:41:16

Everybody in it is pretty good. And, uh, yeah, I really was grateful to all y'all for showing up to do it.

00:41:22

I was grateful you asked, man. A fan forever.

00:41:26

Very serious stuff.

00:41:27

Been a fan forever.

00:41:28

Gotta be surreal.

00:41:29

Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, I remember getting Foot First Sweat. You got, you got rented it at Blockbuster. I was at a real low point in my life. That was big.

00:41:37

I was gonna say that. So you're where that $3 came from. You got paid on that.

00:41:47

What else is going on?

00:41:49

What else you got?

00:41:50

What do you got? You got anything?

00:41:52

Oh God, you know what, this summer has just been about pushing this book, getting the book out there in the world. I've had to do a lot of book signings. That's a new thing for me.

00:42:01

How's that?

00:42:02

It's very interesting. You show up at these events and they have all the— they have all the books lined up with the staff they have them all open to a certain page and it'll be like, here's 1,500 of them, we gotta sign these things now. You start getting into a zone where you just start— yeah, it's like you sign it, I can move the book, next one, next one, start going super fast. And that's another thing where if you don't think about it, you can get into a zone. The moment you think about it, you just fuck your own name up and you're, oh God, something happened.

00:42:30

Yeah, you ruined somebody's book.

00:42:31

Yeah, yeah. But that stuff's been pretty fun, honestly. This, this, the The book has been awesome. It's been— whenever you do press for comedies, I feel like the press is always mean. Like, there, there's always a sense of like you come into the room to be interviewed and there's a little bit of just like, yeah, this motherfucker thinks he's something funny. Yeah, you think you're funny. I really do feel like that. I've noticed when you do a different genre of movie, like when I would do press for Alien or anything, the, the reporter, the interviewers are always more engaged. And I feel like whenever it was comedies, there was always you could sense that they didn't really want to be there. Like, this is the stupidest thing. That's, that's what it would feel like. And the book was the same way. I feel like, I think because in order for people to interview you on that, they have to actually read the book. So I feel like they've just invested enough time to take the interview seriously. We're like, you know, you, we would do press for Vice Principals or whatever, and it would constantly be like, I watched the first episode, and then they would start, you know, it's like, oh great, warm room, like it picks up.

00:43:32

Yeah, give it some time.

00:43:34

I can watch it. What else, dude?

00:43:40

Come on, Gerbs. Oh, me? Do something.

00:43:42

What you got? What are you gonna eat? What are you gonna eat after this? You're gonna go get a big meal? Are you gonna cook something in your kitchen and your hotel room?

00:43:47

What are you gonna wear to the premiere? I know you got a snazzy outfit. Uh, okay, so then you are a super—

00:43:53

is this a dress-up premiere?

00:43:54

I was curious. I will not be dressed.

00:43:55

Yeah, you're— that's what you're wearing.

00:43:57

Oh, that's it. Soder hit me with one that stuck with me. He's like, dude, you always dress like you're the guy coming from the hotel pool in the lobby. I'm like, yeah, fuck, that is exactly what I look like.

00:44:07

Be comfy.

00:44:08

Um, I tried to pack my suit, but it didn't fit, so because I guess I got it like— so I'm just gonna do just like trousers and dress shorts. Yeah, just like, uh, you know, like suit without the blazer. Yeah, no time.

00:44:24

I remember the very first premiere that I think was like for Heartbreak Kid. I invited my parents to come to it. They had never been to anything like that. I hadn't really been to anything like that, uh, and my stepdad was like, called me up, was like, so this event, is this like pants or dress shorts? Man, I'd stick with the pants probably.

00:44:47

Dude, Heartbreak Kid is like my favorite comedy scene. Me and Beezer watch it all the time. It's when he's escaping on the train. Oh yeah, and they pull him up and then just beat his ass and throw him out of the train for no reason. Yeah, have you ever seen it? It's so good.

00:45:01

I love the ending of that movie too. And that ending was like something that I think that on looking back on, I think they were like thinking that was part of the reason why maybe the movie didn't catch on fire is because it was like too dark. But I loved the ending of the movie. I thought it was awesome.

00:45:13

Movie rules. But yeah, I don't know, I, I— wearing a suit would have been crazy. This is—

00:45:20

no, I wore it last night wearing a suit in Charleston too.

00:45:23

It's gonna be hot as fuck. It doesn't— when it gets in, the sun goes down, it still gets hotter.

00:45:27

Yeah, fair enough.

00:45:28

Also, this is a premiere for like a thing I really care about. No one— yeah, but nobody does season 3 premieres really.

00:45:35

You should do—

00:45:36

you should do this. It's just full nude, us doing a fucking premiere. I could dress you like Kanye's wife. Saran Wrap you.

00:45:43

That's how you should go. I've been to a few of these things before. That's how you should do it.

00:45:48

I'll wear a mask. I'll dress like Kanye. You dress like his wife. Okay, that'd be sick.

00:45:53

Yeah, but, uh, yeah, you're asking like golf. So I've been golfing.

00:45:58

How's it going?

00:45:59

It's incredible.

00:46:00

Yeah, so you're a big golfer?

00:46:01

Yeah, I love it. And, uh, just trying to worm my way into this. Yeah, like the— you know, there's a lot of like YouTube golfers And no, nobody's responding to my DMs. Really?

00:46:13

Yeah, you're DMing the YouTube guys after this season. They will.

00:46:17

Yeah.

00:46:18

Yeah. So we'll see.

00:46:19

How long have you been golfing for? For a while?

00:46:21

Uh, about 3 years.

00:46:22

Oh, okay.

00:46:23

Yeah, he's already— you're really good at it.

00:46:24

Thanks. I, I played for like, uh, senior year of high school. There was a course really close to us called Valley Forge Golf Club where you could pay for like play for $5 and I got obsessed.

00:46:35

I hope someone pukes on you. Yeah, I'm gonna get a fucking round of golf.

00:46:40

You should, uh, you should. There's a lot of great golf courses around here.

00:46:44

I know Brandon was telling me.

00:46:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brandon golfs all the time. Brandon runs our company and I'll go out with him and see how good he is. I'm like, motherfucker, how many times are you getting out here?

00:46:55

That is, that is, that is literally a thing that plays in the back of my head.

00:46:59

No, it pisses me off how often he's golfing. Yeah, it's like, dude, I'm touring, I'm fucking dying. He's like, well, today was a good day, I went golfing.

00:47:06

Yeah. I feel, I feel inclined to lie about it.

00:47:11

I, I'm sure I, I, when I moved here, I was gonna get in. I was, you know, that's the deal here. Golf is, and, you know, my buddies here are into it. And I was like, well, man, maybe I'll make it my thing. Maybe that'll be something. I just, I don't, I'm not good at it, but I also, it just takes so much time. I'm like, man, there's no way I have the energy to like give everything I need to to make this good. But you know what, my boy is, my son is getting into it. So that makes me want to get out there more. But I think I'm also just okay with going out and being fucking terrible, being at the butt of everyone's jokes with every swing, and then just getting hammered the whole entire time.

00:47:46

It's the best. We have a golf outing coming up.

00:47:48

That's right. The Nuri—

00:47:49

I don't golf. Yeah, you're gonna have to keep your composure this time.

00:47:52

You're gonna have to keep your composure this time.

00:47:55

He's— I made him rage quit the, uh, Down Syndrome fundraising.

00:47:59

Oh, you rage quit?

00:48:00

Yeah, I wouldn't say rage quit. I said, please stop.

00:48:04

Wait, what was he doing to make it— why did you want him to stop? What was he doing?

00:48:07

He was ramming my golf cart. He showed you.

00:48:12

Very dangerous.

00:48:13

It's—

00:48:13

it is dangerous, Danny.

00:48:14

I was going so slow and I did it.

00:48:17

I love golf and we were doing well.

00:48:20

It was on the 18th.

00:48:21

I left— 17th.

00:48:22

Okay. I left you alone all day. So when we do this, I can't golf, so I just— I get a Bluetooth speaker and I— oh my God— and I drink and just drive around and bother people.

00:48:32

Yes, that's— that's so fun. Yeah, but I didn't know that you could do that at these tournaments. You can. I put on—

00:48:37

I can do that.

00:48:38

You shouldn't.

00:48:39

I put on Flight of the Valkyries and started chasing him. He was so fucking mad.

00:48:45

Immediate, immediate.

00:48:46

I thought it was gonna be a friendly tap, the first tap, like so light, just tap the back of it. And he was like, cut it out. And I was like, well, now I'm, I'm all over now.

00:48:56

Yeah, checkmate. Immediate checkmate.

00:48:58

He was with O'Connor in the cart and he's He's like, I'm getting out, and he gets out, and Chris is like, don't get out.

00:49:04

So I'm just chasing him now because Chris, Chris immediately— you know what it felt like? You know what it felt like? It felt like when you, you had a friend growing up that we— that you were like cool with, and then all of a sudden they're around other guys and they're just different to you.

00:49:18

Oh, I've, I've seen that, Shane. Is that what you were doing to him?

00:49:21

No, that was what I felt like with Chris, even though I love Chris. And you know, that's not Chris.

00:49:25

Chris would love that. He would love the golf cart He did.

00:49:29

And so he starts getting into it, and then I'm just like, I don't want any parts of this. It's gonna tear up the fairway. It's, it's ridiculous.

00:49:37

You're worried about Range End Golf Course in Dillsburg?

00:49:40

Yes. I got you, greenskeepers. You know, you don't horse around like that. It takes a lot of work. So I just wanted out. And then of course that only, you know, it's crazy, just feeds the beast.

00:49:52

He was instantly— I've never seen someone get that angry that fast.

00:49:56

I went—

00:49:57

I was genuinely trying to be friendly, and I was genuinely saying stop it. You said stop it right away. Yeah, like a bitch, right away.

00:50:04

How long did it take you guys to make up after that?

00:50:06

We didn't. He, he stormed off.

00:50:09

He's still mad.

00:50:10

So it's literally a fundraiser for Down syndrome. There's an event and there's a bunch of people in the pavilion, like, I didn't know you were supposed to stick around. They're excited to see the people from Tires.

00:50:22

Yeah.

00:50:22

And Steve finishes the 18th hole, packs his bag, walks straight to the parking lot. My mom stopped him. It was like, aren't you going to come say hi? And he was like, no.

00:50:32

And then, oh, I think I've done enough today.

00:50:34

Yes. And then he got in his car and drove to Philadelphia and didn't say goodbye to anybody.

00:50:38

I said goodbye to you. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. That is—

00:50:43

that's tech— that's a rage quit.

00:50:45

That— hearing how you just—

00:50:47

technically, that is technically—

00:50:49

that's a rage.

00:50:49

Yeah.

00:50:49

Now This is one thing, though, that I did not know. Sean, you make me feel so bad. Sean's got his shirt over his nose. So I did not know that there's a whole hangout thing happening afterwards.

00:51:03

We all told you several times.

00:51:05

I don't— well, I don't recall, Shane. So the point is, had I known that that was a thing, then it'd be a little bit different. I'm a little new to this whole world. Because I got to—

00:51:18

hold on, it wasn't that fancy. It was in a pavilion in Dillsburg, Pennsylvania.

00:51:22

Well, whatever. Listen, I get how that looks like a rage quit. I accept rage quit. I accept the technicality of that.

00:51:30

You were— you left because you were ashamed of how you reacted to the joke.

00:51:34

Yeah, no, I think you really want to be away.

00:51:36

Absolutely not. I was frustrated with you.

00:51:38

Why?

00:51:39

Because I said please don't, then you did it.

00:51:40

I did it twice.

00:51:41

No, you wouldn't stop.

00:51:43

Well, of course, Flight of the Valkyries is playing. I was a case. But everyone loved it. Everyone had a blast.

00:51:51

I had this—

00:51:52

Phil was laughing, Billy was laughing, Chris was laughing. It was fun.

00:51:55

That's good. I'm glad everybody had a great time. I'm excited for it.

00:51:58

And you told my mom to fuck off.

00:52:00

You need to work on a revenge plan now.

00:52:02

No.

00:52:03

Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah, dude, I'll lose that fight.

00:52:06

You need to find your own song. Yep. Supercharge your— go— your golf cart.

00:52:11

Pirates of the Caribbean.

00:52:11

You would— first of all, yes, but second of all, what of music he listens to.

00:52:18

This is the Pirates theme song while he drives.

00:52:21

To the ride or to the movie?

00:52:24

Oh, to the movie.

00:52:25

To the movie.

00:52:25

Yeah, the Hunza.

00:52:26

And just kind of cruise through traffic.

00:52:29

Yep. And have just really childlike fantasies about saving people. It's great.

00:52:36

Get in the zone, man.

00:52:36

And he stops at stop signs. I've been in that car, dude. 8-second stop. Other people are like, go. He's like, go ahead, fucking 10 miles an hour.

00:52:50

Uh, but oh dang, what was I gonna tell you? Oh yeah, I don't wanna say it's so boring.

00:52:56

I gotta say it now because we got nothing.

00:52:58

So I, I, uh, got invited to— I probably shouldn't be talking about Glorials, the Eagles Autism Foundation. They do so much for autism, but, uh In event this one gag—

00:53:12

I, uh, we'll probably take out that glory hole stuff. Oh yeah, maybe. We'll see. Are you all right with it?

00:53:18

I have no shame about it.

00:53:20

I don't.

00:53:20

Okay.

00:53:22

Yeah, should I?

00:53:23

Yeah.

00:53:23

Oh yeah, it seems, seems a little odd.

00:53:27

Really?

00:53:28

Yeah.

00:53:29

I don't know, it's—

00:53:30

see, I'll defend it.

00:53:32

It's just, it's pretty sort of— I feel like it's sort of run-of-the-mill. It's, uh, you know.

00:53:38

Anyway, let's get back to the Eagles Autism Foundation.

00:53:41

Uh, it was so— I won closest to the pin, and, uh, my one friend that I golf with was like, did they give you cash? Because you know if they give you cash, you need to give that right back to the charity, right? And, uh, I was like, no, I didn't know that.

00:53:55

No chance.

00:53:56

But luckily it was just a gift card to the pro shop. So would you—

00:53:59

sure, uh, the gift shop, uh, that feels like you could keep that, right? They're not thinking that you have to return that.

00:54:05

That's right. Yeah, but I'm glad he said something because again, that would have been another gaffe.

00:54:10

I feel like autistic guys could— if they locked in on golf, they'd be fucking good.

00:54:14

I think a lot of them are.

00:54:15

Yeah, makes sense. You know what I've always found peculiar is the, uh, if Down syndrome guys locked into Savannah Bananas, they'd be fucking great. They do Little League Savannah Bananas, they're doing flips in the outfield. Yeah, I could. Yeah, he's awesome. He's got like Down syndrome that just drains threes. Yeah, no matter where on the court, overhead, just drains it.

00:54:43

It's wonderful.

00:54:44

Those get me. Those make me cry. Back to the crying things, right? Kid with Down syndrome hitting a 3, whole high school gym going crazy. It's the best. Yeah, especially because the Down syndrome kid has zero fucking humility. It's so sick, dude. What were you about to say?

00:55:05

Oh, uh, I'm sure it's an observation that's been made before, but, uh, the Tiger Woods— how, you know, people say he's a Black golfer, but it's really like when you look at the amount of Asians on tour, it's staggeringly high. Like, I feel like it's way more the Asian part of him.

00:55:23

Oh, that's an interesting take.

00:55:28

Yeah, nice talk with you guys. Non-joking, genuine racist comment.

00:55:35

How is that racist? He is half Black and half Asian, right? Yeah.

00:55:40

Okay, and you're saying it's clearly the Asian side of him that's successful?

00:55:43

Let's look at the tours. Let's look at the tours. We'll delete it then.

00:55:50

No, no, you're fine, you're fine.

00:55:53

You see the LPGA? I mean, a guy did get fired for that. Commentator of the LPGA Tour, he's like, it's Im or Kim or it's— they're all Koreans. You got fired for that? Yeah, it was back in the day. Yeah, but, uh, anyway, I love when those announcers get fired.

00:56:14

It's like the best. The fucking Kansas City fag capital of the world. I said something earlier today, I didn't know, uh, my mic was on, and, uh Probably never gonna put the headset on again.

00:56:29

Uh, that feels like that would be the thing you would probably have to specialize in, is knowing when the mic's on.

00:56:34

It was not off.

00:56:35

That's your whole gig, right?

00:56:37

It was just—

00:56:37

it was B-roll before the game of the field, and you just hear the announcer talking, and for some reason he says, Kansas City, fag capital of the world. It cuts to commercial. It was before the game. They told him in the 5th inning.

00:56:49

Oh my goodness, how fun would it have been to have been on that crew and just been like knowing like, oh, he's gone, he's fucked, he's out of here.

00:56:56

And then, uh, yeah. Castellanos famously hits a home run mid-apology. So he's going, he's like, to my family, I'm sorry I let you down. And, uh, my bosses who trusted me here, sorry. Deep drive, Castellanos. It's 3-2 Cincinnati Reds. Oh, but the other one that's incredible is, uh, those two dudes talking about the, uh, Negro League Hall of Fame. They're like, we went to the— they switched that word. The guy hits it.

00:57:30

This is something that happened recently?

00:57:32

Yeah, the guy drills it. Oh wow. What does his face look like when he, when he realizes it comes out? Neither of them processes it. The guy with him is like, we did, we went there.

00:57:44

Yeah, because you know, that's why they were— that's what they were calling it the whole time they went there. That's why they Yeah, they didn't think about it. They didn't code switch.

00:57:56

Have you ever seen that clip?

00:57:57

No.

00:57:57

It's unbelievable.

00:57:59

Yeah, I'll definitely watch it today.

00:58:03

It's one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time. Just pointing directly at the camera, go, we had a great day, we went to the— it's fucking nuts. Those boys got fired. Oh, we've been doing this long enough, huh?

00:58:20

No, wait.

00:58:23

Okay, well, thanks for coming in here. Sorry, we were— uh, this is how we do this.

00:58:26

I really like how you did. I feel like we hit some, uh, hard-hitting topics here. Yeah, I feel like it was, uh, we think about education. Let's get into it. Come on, recharge the batteries. Let's go.

00:58:38

Uh, all right.

00:58:42

Bye.

00:58:42

Thank you.

00:58:45

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

00:58:49

Do it.

Episode description

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hello. Sorry for the late drop - was a busy week. I hope you'll accept this hot ass cast as a token of our apology. We're LIVE in Chuck Town. Shout out Danny shout out Gerby. Please enjoy. God Bless.

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