Transcript of Ep 625 - The Big Show (feat. Billy & Spud)

Wow, wow, Wes.

Yeah, I'd be like shaking if I was one of you guys. Yeah, like visibly I'd be like, just don't show up. If I think I like wake up and shake, don't show up.

I honestly, I texted Matt, I sent him the picture and I was like, we should not do this, we should leave the country. I'd like to leave the country.

Yeah, I would go to like Paraguay or something.

Temporary insanity.

I could leave.

I don't understand how I could take some of those guineas and fucking—

damn, Spud, what's wrong with you, bro? Monster, you're struggling, dude.

Conor McGregor, dude.

Go out there, build it up, and walk out and be like, tear my leg. Shit. Just bring someone else out. When's this gonna come out?

Whenever.

I think probably after tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yeah, we can wait till—

I don't do a pre-show.

Well then we won't talk about all the special guests, but Matthew will be on it. True. And it's terrifying. Oh yeah, we've already— yeah, we've alluded to it too.

So are we fired up?

Yeah. We're recording.

It's the scariest thing possible. This is a huge mistake. I got talked into this a year and a half ago and never really considered that one day it was gonna actually happen.

Yeah.

And it's tomorrow, and, uh, I'm completely ill-prepared.

I have—

I can't even think about doing stand-up. I'm thinking about the show itself.

How much stand-up do you actually have to do?

I'm gonna do— I don't have to do anything. I would like—

what's the plan?

The show? I should probably do like a fucking half hour, and then I'm gonna bring someone else, or just curate on stage with me.

Just walk around and be like, another fine act.

Start a circus.

I'm actually running for mayor.

I've got you all gathered here. There's something I'd like to discuss.

Let's have 4 giant sponsorships.

Uh, you gotta do those Luke Belmar talks. AI's taking over everything.

That's it.

Everything.

All of your jobs.

Welcome, bye Frostbill. Welcome, Spud.

I could make you more popular.

Yeah.

Do magic.

I'll do— fuck it. I'm gonna panic.

I would throw up.

I'm gonna get on stage and be like, the only thing I've got so far is I'm gonna say, "A boom boom boom, everybody say whale." That'll be nice.

That'll be actually—

start a wave.

That'd be so cool.

We got that going.

We got the wave and boom boom boom.

You should bring a beach ball out. Getting beach balls going would be fucking— almost like recreating Woodstock.

Dude, this crowd's gonna be— They're gonna be tailgating. Yeah, all day.

It's gonna be her—

it's gonna be the worst crowd.

It's gonna look like Normandy.

It's gonna be crazy.

My whole plan is just, I'm gonna have a separate video, I'm gonna have my own video crew, and I'm gonna try to crush hecklers the whole time. Yo, shut the fuck up, dude! I'm doing the fucking show, dude! Stop fucking eating! I'm doing a fucking job.

Are you in the round?

Yeah.

Oh my God, it's better.

I saw a clip, I saw, um, I was checking out like different seats in the lake. What it looks like. WrestleMania was in the round. Whoa, that's like the WrestleMania.

Yeah, yeah, you could wrestle too.

I'll wrestle.

You should do it all.

Look at the folding chairs.

Yeah, yeah, they don't look comfortable.

Yeah, also the people that are in the middle of these folding— that's the pit. You're never gonna be able to piss.

No, no, pass out.

Those seats are fucking expensive.

Cooks is there.

Really?

The passouts.

Is that a porta potty setup?

I think they do have little porta-potties and shit like that.

That's gonna be a piss on the ground setup. There's gonna be a lot of drugs.

There was a concert here or something.

This is gonna be—

dude, it's gonna be a Roman city.

There was a concert here in Philly and some, some, uh, like country kind of dude and some chick just shit.

What?

She didn't want to leave her seat, but it was a bit— it was like a biohazard. She tried to let it out of her pants.

Yo, out of her cutoff jeans.

You ever see people on like CCTV shake out a log?

Yeah, that's crazy.

I don't know how that works. It would be all down my leg.

Dude, not even shaking that log. There's one of those Asian guys at the register. He just pulls his pants down and just— Yeah, drops diarrhea, pulls his pants back up.

You have to be so certain. There's no wiping involved.

There was a dude that used to hit that at the park when I was walking my dog, and he had this hoodie, and one day he left the hoodie and I picked it up, and I still have the hoodie. It's a good-ass hoodie.

But he would shit out the park.

Dude, he hit, like, fucking—

Hurt people, hurt people.

Bullet shits in the hedges. And I was trying to keep Zeus from eating it. Yeah, because they do. Dogs love human poop. Yeah, they love to eat it.

Yeah, I can see that.

Especially—

Bum, you have his hoodie?

Yeah, it says Blazer Soccer. It's real thick. You ever get like a real thick hoodie?

It is a very— I saw the hoodie, I was like, that's a heavy cotton blend. I like that.

They don't make this shit anymore.

The guy's launching into the fucking hedges.

He left his sweatshirt and snagged it.

You would eat so much. You'd go in the hedges and like, if he was in there for too long, be like, what are you doing? Come out. The smell of human shit on a dog's breath, bro.

Ah, and then Spade had the single cab truck, so there's no air going anywhere.

Also, to be fair, he would, of all people, respect finders keepers.

Yeah, obviously.

I'm almost positive he found that shirt.

He lives exclusively in—

he was a red-haired— he was a red-haired homeless man.

Yeah, yo, that's rare.

It's a rare one.

It's like a time traveler.

Rare one.

Truly rejected. Yeah, it's just a nerve-wracking endeavor you got yourself there.

Spades driver.

I mean, you both guys, what are you talking about?

This is like we're on acid again, man. I can't believe how high you are. This is the first time we've all been together since then as a unit.

Uh, maybe, possibly.

Chicago, take me back. Chicago was so— heck of a city. Awesome city.

Every time people—

yeah, it's a beautiful city. Dude, you're drenched in sweat. Shut the fuck up.

I'm trying to join the conversation.

Every time I even think about Oasis, people like, I saw them in concert, I'm like, dude, their concerts are the best. Yeah, I swear there was amazing.

You're seeing you let loose like that brought me so much joy. I was gone holding the bottle of tequila shirt over your head.

That was great, bro.

I had no idea. That tequila is so expensive.

I got like so attached. I was like, I have to give this bottle out, and I was like giving it to people and they were sure They thought it was laced with acid. They were like, whoa, because I'd be like, drink it, dude, just drink it. They're like, what's in it? I'm like, it's just tequila, watch. And I would just chug a bunch out of it.

We could have been— we could have been fine with that half a tab. Yeah, greed.

That was—

I looked at it.

I mean, it tells all the time.

Yeah, I look over psychedelics, acid especially, because you go, this is cool. I've literally— I just got done banishing all of the negative, negative thoughts from my head. I was like, I don't need these anymore.

Never been able to do that.

I, dude, I was like sitting there and I was like, I don't need these right now. And I had let go. That's why I was dancing like a girl.

I was on his Gmail inbox.

I was like, what the fuck?

I was writing myself emails.

That's Sigma grindset.

I was like, dude, dude, I'll take it.

I'll take it. You know, email yourself while you're on acid in Oasis. So fucking crazy. I forget, dude.

I got in the multiverse.

Fucking coffee. I told you.

Apparently it was the caffeine. It was the caffeine. You got Restaurant Depot espresso.

That shit was strong.

Acid deletes alcohol.

It does.

It's so powerful.

It's crazy. It was— that tequila couldn't touch me. It was one of the ways it just kept— it was just kept kicking in though.

I was like, take me back. But we do have Beach Trip.

I know, yeah, Beach Trip will be decent. I'm excited.

That's my final hurrah, and then I'll be in a different house. That's my final vacation.

Really?

Trip?

Yeah. Then you're gonna get your new house?

Yes. Literally right afterwards.

I doubt it. Getting off Girlfriend Island.

Yeah, this is the first time he's going to girlfriendistan. Yeah, a wifeistan.

Wife real.

I just read a really nice book. Hey, I'm obsessed with the French right now. I've been reading a lot of French authors. This guy wrote a book about if the— like, if Muslims actually took over France. It was like a novel.

Campus Saints, huh? Campus Saints?

No, it's called Submission by Michael Hollomere. Dude, it's— I don't know why, but he keeps referencing Nietzsche. But anytime he references Nietzsche, he goes, the old queer Nietzsche.

It was like a Buddha judge.

You don't know, it's just so funny. Just be out for no reason, just be like, and then that— maybe that old fag was right about Christianity.

It reminds me of, uh, if you said Buddha judges, you ever see that Trump trying not to call him gay? Yeah, he's like, Mayor Pete, who rides a bike with a guy, uh, which is— I don't know, that's what he likes.

That's fine, he rides bikes with other Guys, I want to get a soundboard for Trump when it's all over.

When it's all said and done.

It's all said and done, it's going to be the best soundboard ever.

Yeah, his pull-string doll, pretty nice size of it, you stupid person.

The size of it, you stupid person.

Quiet, piggy.

Quiet, piggy.

It's like top 5.

I mean, if he gets a statue, yeah, what would, what would his like fourscore and several years—

I don't like to bring up people's weight, I can lose a few.

Scored several years.

Stand back and stand by.

Yeah, stand back, stand by, or, or you'd be in jail. No, stand down, stand by, stand back, you'd be in jail. Quiet Piggy might be—

Quiet Piggy was his epic. He's completely lost his fastball, dude. The fucking real shit was—

you keep saying that— Quiet Piggy was 105 down the fucking pipe.

Quiet Piggy's the number one, and double the size of it is up there too.

Dumb or stupid person?

I can't remember.

Stupid person. 2016, he was fucking on fire.

Of course. Yeah, he's on fire.

He won, he got the Cy Young that year.

He's throwing some wild pitches like, uh, Democrats is a wild pitch. Yo, I saw you on the All-Star or on the—

oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it was awesome.

That was a bummer. I wanted Schwarzbombs, dude.

Who won?

Uh, they offered this kid from, uh, dang, I couldn't imagine anything better.

Maybe it's like an extreme fireworks show, but home run derby.

Yeah, I was watching, I was like, I want to take my kid this one day. Yeah, get like a 10-year-old at a fucking home run derby.

What is it, pitching machine?

No, it's a guy.

It's like you got your guy, pick your own guy.

So he's gonna, he's gonna send it to you.

Okay. And sometimes they fucking don't give the best pitches, dude.

It was fucking killing me. Yeah, I didn't even think about that.

Whatever, man. I'd be like, he's like your spotter.

He's like the guy at the dunk contest throwing the hoops.

Yeah, dude, it just makes you, it makes you realize how easy home runs is.

You ever see when Diddy got on his toes?

He, he helped.

Oh yeah, the guy jumped over and you see Diddy's, he gets on his tippy He's going to be out.

He's going to be out. Yeah, he's going to be out. People are going to have to answer.

But it reminded me of when you and me were at the World Series.

Yes.

And there's putting the flag the size of the outfield with a flyover and just being like, we're the greatest. It was the exact same. Like, that was the most American. It's like we were drinking beer, watching guys hit home runs over and over again while they're blasting music and we're like booing the kids. If a kid drops a ball because there's little kids in the outfield, the whole stadium's like, you don't see this in other countries.

You don't see that.

It was wonderful.

Spade at the Grove. I thought he was going to have a fucking heart attack. The Grove is unreal.

That was mad on acid.

That was him at the Grove going— you would have thought Spade was on 6 grams of mushrooms. He literally got overtaken by the spirit of fucking dirt kart rally.

It's the vibration. I think if I had to nail it down to one thing, it's the sound and the vibration. Dude, that's not world.

But so that's otherworldly. It's louder.

Please imagine every summer night.

I mean, you're—

that's your dream. Sit on the— I would open my window as a kid and listen to— you could hear the Grove. Phil will call me now and be like, what's going on? I'll be like, nothing, dude.

You gotta make a beer.

You gotta listen to the Grove.

Take some of your money, right? Take some of your money and make a movie about that.

The Grove.

He's so sick, dude.

Grove would be nice.

The Grove is a comedy. That's what I actually— I did want to do that. We talked about that. People tell me not to do the Grove.

I wanted to do like a dude, like a little boy being like hearing it and then somehow making that a movie.

That's it. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like Ricky Bobby, but We can do it.

Bobby Rickey.

Yeah, it has nothing to do with that. I swear to God, we're not copying it. But yes, the character's name is Bobby Rickey.

Or dude, just be like, dude, let's fucking, uh, do a sequel, part 2. Not do part 2. And he, he say Ricky Bobby maybe says the wrong thing and he goes through the dirt track and then wins and becomes my favorite NASCAR driver.

That's nothing to do with NASCAR though, right? Like, that's not even—

I mean, some of the drivers are.

Some of the drivers, they'll graduate from that to NASCAR.

I would imagine what it is a little.

Yeah, for sure.

But they also like come back down and do that.

I painted for a dude that like built cars for his kid. He was like a mechanic and he built like little Indy cars. Dude, it's mega bucks.

Oh yeah.

So like go take your kid on one of those Indy tours.

Yeah, man. I knew, I knew someone who used to do like dirt track racing. He was in high school and that was like, it was like his thing.

He was into like the ones with the fans.

Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. Wait, what do you mean?

Like the ones that— Yeah.

Oh, on the— Yeah, yeah. But the— I remember that's— he would go to the dirt track and it was like his thing. Yeah, he had a rich daddy. His daddy would buy his— get the trailer with the cars and he would just go race people.

It's a good upgrade from hockey.

Yeah, dirt bike kids used to get a lot of pussy back in the day. I remember kids were like, go dirt bike racing on the weekends.

There's always something happening with the cool Fox long sleeves.

Yep, frosted, frosted tips.

I can wear that.

I like how black dudes adopted that. They also wear like motocross shit.

A NASCAR—

they love it.

Yeah, they love our drip, dude.

For real.

They love the M&M yellow jacket.

I'm more into the high, high black fashion, like Playboy Carti. What's that? NBA Youngboy. You just wear like black leather. You wear like black leather and just kind of like sit and look like a vampire now. It's kind of sick. They vamp out hard. Playboy Carti, I saw a video. Yeah, yeah, it is. It's like, but it's like leather. You got some leather going, a little bit of swag. It's like Rick Owens. Who's the guy? Rick Owens. I sent you a video, dude.

Rick Owens.

Yeah.

Dude, it's the fucking coolest shit in the world.

Ever see him get scared by the flash? No, it's hilarious. He gets flashed, he's like 90 million years old, and some fucking photographer like, remember when they hit you at Helium? Yeah, dude, that shit, like, it's almost like a flashback in COD. And he like almost fell over on granite steps and like regained his fucking balance and kept walking.

They got me on Monday when I was checking into the hotel. Insane photo. Who's the worst? Who's— when you just yell, why do they do this? They go, hey Shane, and you literally, you're like Blake, bring it down. I have a book bag, I'm hunched over.

Is that like a couple hundred bucks for somebody? Like, why are they doing it?

You should start being like, stop, stop!

Viral reels every time you're down.

That would make it way worse.

You just gotta start getting out of cars with your balls hanging out on top.

I literally might have—

his balls are out.

To Lindsay Lohan, just somehow show your butthole every time. Get off butt first with your butthole out. If you got tainting a picture.

That would literally be legendary.

I'd hang that up with like this, like trying to shield your face.

Yeah, I was watching, I was watching some, uh, I was watching that body cam footage where the guy's like, take a picture of my dick, please. Raise my balls up, don't be scared.

Yeah, don't be afraid.

Yes. Yeah, it's—

very good, very good, very good, very good. This is— Steuer ist sehr gut, das sagen ganz viele.

Wer sagt das? Stiftung Warentest, Computerbild, Focus Money, Chip, Finanztipp.

Such dir was aus. Mega, aber das ist doch bestimmt kompliziert. Nö, einfach Foto Foto von der Lohnsteuerbescheinigung machen und fertig. Klingt sehr gut, ist sehr gut. Mit Wieso Steuer bis zum 31. Juli abgeben.

Don't be afraid. I lose a lot of my hours to body cam, dude. Ever since you said Midwest Safety, I started crushing that.

I lost so good.

Yeah, it was like a month on flights just watching.

Uh, yeah, the one, uh, me and Blizz have been dying watching this guy. I might have talked about last time. There's a guy, he's a white supremacist. Cop pulls him over, he's like, yeah, my ID's, my ID's in my bag. He just takes a gun out, shoots the cop, kills the cop. Then every cop—

all right, not funny.

Then every single cop chases him. He's driving down the highway with like 900 cop cars and they get the— they're like, we need the Bearcat. They always break out the Bearcat. It's like a fucking tank. Yeah, they started hitting his car with the tank.

Yeah.

Then they— he finally stops. Every single cop gets out and shoots. Everyone was like taking turns.

Like, imagine if you really wanted to kill someone and you're a cop and it's finally there. You're speeding. They're probably salivating trying to shoot that.

They show the guys in the cars like, it's a free shot, loading guns.

I think that's fair.

Then they show the forensics from inside the car. It's hilarious. There's 900 lines going through his head. He must have been in the car like, like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. It must have been crazy.

I gotta rewatch Gran Torino.

That was great. Yeah, that's fair. If you— you should have like— if you shoot a cop, they should be able to shoot— like find you and shoot you.

They made a Netflix thing about some chick.

Yeah, they'll get you.

They made a Netflix documentary just based on body footage.

Oh, that was great.

Oh, yeah, next door. And it's just this lady was like crazy. She lived in this neighborhood.

Yes.

Every time a kid came on our lawn, she called the cops. So the cops came over so much, there was enough body cam footage for a documentary, and they edited it into like a story.

But that was—

there's never—

they were fucking—

I was so sad. But there's no— there was never an actual camera.

It's all—

damn, it's the one dude though who like—

Florida, it's in Florida. Florida's fucking nuts.

Yeah, his OG baby mom— like baby daddy of the girl who got shot That guy was kind of like, hey, who's the best dad in the world? I love you guys. I'm the best daddy you got, man. You know I love you the most. Your mom's dead now. He's probably like, yes, dude, this is amazing. Just getting wrecked by some fat bitch.

Those kids were definitely fucking with that lady.

Oh yeah.

Oh, they were torturing her. It must have been so fun.

Yeah, especially when you know it's not fun.

What?

Every kid fucks with you if you're white in a black neighborhood. Every kid takes turns fucking with you. It just is what it is.

He's gonna shoot a mom and his moomoo.

So I got the Meta glasses, I'm ready.

I go, oh, you got the Meta?

It's my safety, your safety.

That's step one.

Step one is you start filming, then you start plotting.

I want to definitely start filming.

I mean, that's—

I got you.

But I, I want— there's this thing, it was like all these creep glasses. I was like, need those.

Do you have the metas?

I got metas, bro.

People would pay. I feel like people would pay good money for that.

If I'm outside my house, I got my metas on.

Dude spitting at Spade.

No, no, no, I'm saying just getting like shitting in my driveway.

Bang.

I don't know, I feel like you could sell it. You could sell that to like the anti-racism crowd. If you like a 55-year-old like white New York Times lady, she would probably pay money to get like hazed by young black kids.

True. Could sell the footage, the VR footage.

I deserve this.

Now when push comes to shove, they immediately go into white supremacy.

Oh yeah, the super liberals.

I mean, Malcolm X used to talk about it.

I voted Democrat, you motherfucker.

I'm trying to help you.

How dare you?

You don't even know what you're doing.

I'm on your side, dummy.

I love that during BLM, dudes are like chanting, just a brick going through a dorm window from 3 floors.

We're on your side. We're on your side, man.

What the fuck?

Playing beer pong.

They're playing beer pong and the protesters walk by and they're like, yeah.

What the fuck?

Oh my God, they just screamed.

That was like—

yeah, it was a launch. What the fuck, man? Might have been Kaepernick himself. That was a bullet. Whoever threw that, that was a long spiral break.

So what, do you have any good footage of the, of the kids?

What are you talking about? Hey, stop it! Not yet, I just have them on for protection.

You're ready? Yeah, there you go.

And the neighborhood is getting nicer, but for years there, I mean, Bill can attest to this, it was nice.

Yeah, dude, Wild West.

Wild.

I was, I was walking, that was the main thing. Like, all these like people, all these liberal people be like, oh, saying all this BLM shit. It's like, dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

True.

This is not where I live.

Tap it, tap into the— tap into the view. I was walking Zeus one time. You put them on, you find out today it's just rage baiting the The whole time, like, I know that this is not—

I know this isn't the rest of the world, but we're in West Philadelphia. I'm on Langstrasse. There's like a free food thing, right? There's a white liberal chick trying to cross the street, all like hobbly, moving slow, with a K95 mask on.

They're called Cripsters, obviously.

There's smoke in the air, right? This is a place to go get free food. She's going into an Audi.

There's tons of free food.

So she's going, dude, like, she's getting free food, going into an Audi. She's on some LARP shit.

She's LARPing.

Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm not gonna listen to these people.

Yeah, she's in— yeah, she's in her community LARPing. Whatever.

Cripsters, dude, I swear to God, I watched the Crips walk all slow, kind of like some weird—

put on some weird-ass fucking lip.

I literally saw a Cripster at a fucking bus stop and she got up off her wheelchair and sat back down. Holy shit, you're actually stealing.

They're pumped on the fucking masks right now. I was walking. Oh yeah, they're so excited to break this.

They're like, please get your K95, the air quality is low and we should just always be wearing this.

Also, it's like, dude, do you remember being young?

Yo, I might start wearing it. Flockhammers, fucking mice.

Yeah, true. Put on the— well, you see, they have a—

I'll go full Unabomber.

They have Unabomber decor.

Yeah, videotape you going right into your house.

They have glasses you can buy now that apparently like throw your face off on AI.

Oh yeah, the Chinese.

Yeah, but like you literally would have to be walking around like no phone, no car. You'd have to be naked.

I know. Yeah, the phone is like— phone's got you dead to rights.

Yeah, the phone's got you. Audio, video, GPS.

I mean, yeah. I don't care. Yeah, obviously you don't want mass surveillance like that, but I don't know how they're giving tickets out though.

People are getting like tickets for being on their phone and shit in the car.

I don't know, I can't remember where the cop was. I want to say Texas or Pasadena maybe. I don't know, some cops started stalking a female cop that he knew using the flock camera.

Yeah, I mean, with great power comes great responsibility. I've just watched all three Spider-Mans.

Wait, the guy was—

he was that treat—

it was a cop.

Pretty good.

He was using—

he was using the Flock camera system. So you can like tap into this shit if you're like a cop. You can like be like, oh, let's see what's going on. But he was doing it to take a look at— take a peek on a coworker.

They've been doing that with like— well, at least the civilians did their phone numbers. There's like, you file a report, like, I'm gonna need your phone number. Yeah, right. Like, hey, they're like fucking 5 beers deep, like, yo, are you all right? You ever see the shield?

Thin blue line, dude.

It's a shield.

There was a guy at Michigan football who was sneaking into the athletic department that had all the female athletes' emails and passwords.

Dude, didn't he get on their webcams?

Yeah.

So they still trying to act like they're all big and bad then?

I don't know.

Ohio State has that wrestling dude that was like the worst. That was the worst shit ever. He was like literally pulling on people's dicks and shit.

Penn State might have—

Sandusky, fucking— he's done. I'm just saying, we might have Michigan still like a little big for their britches after having a dude literally goon on girls' Bams.

I agree.

You should be shut down for a year.

And their head coach break into the lady's house and be like, I'm gonna fucking kill myself, you bitch.

It's a lot of magic on me right now.

I forgot that that happened.

That poor guy threatened suicide. Also, he would have been fine if somebody else would hire him right away. What do you do?

He hooked up with a fucking chick that works for the team, but oh, he got in trouble for going to her house and saying he's gonna fucking kill himself.

Then when he broke into her house after word got out.

He was just like, stop.

He's like crying. Exactly.

It's funny though, he probably thought like, this might work. I'm like, yeah, pussy. I'm like, a pussy.

No, you're, you're like drunk.

If that's going—

yeah, you break into someone's house, like, you're probably either blacked out or on psych meds. Like, no normal human could be in love.

Love makes you do crazy things.

Yeah, I hear it.

Powerful drug.

It's one of the most powerful.

That's why I say falling in love EJ wants me to watch Obsession.

He says it's real. Obsession?

Yeah, it's Girlfriend Simulator. Yeah, first half of the movie is just not a scary movie.

This is what they're like for real. Yes, you have to see this.

Like, all right, that's so funny.

The guy, the main character, and it's gonna piss you off.

Really?

Okay. Yeah, he's, he's a little beta, little soft boy.

I just watched Tom Holland's Spider-Man, dude. Sometimes, yeah, he's a beast, but he doesn't look like it at first. Then once he gets it—

well, you're judging on size because that's it, that's what Yeah, all right.

I'm friends with short people. I'm literally friends with short people.

You don't like Tobey Maguire?

I like Tom Holland the most.

Yeah, Tom Holland is the best one. I never liked Andrew Garfield either.

I also like the powers he has on his suit. And Tobey Maguire is the— Tobey Maguire is the only one who actually shoots web out of—

So funny how you used to break my balls about Marvel nerd stuff. You get one chick that's into it and now listen to you.

That's how— that's exactly how it works.

This is crazy.

It is.

You're literally— you're literally—

you watch The Eternals?

Guilty as charged.

I watched half The Eternals and I was like fuck this, because it could have been sick.

Wait, what's the eternal?

Bill's holding together a sacred timeline right now with Marvel.

Yeah, I don't really like the multiverse, but I am in the sacred timeline. I'm going through from 1940, starting at Captain America, and currently I'm on— I just finished Spider-Man.

His chick hasn't won the actual—

I did it. I literally did this.

Like, yeah, what else?

8 years ago.

I'm like, I don't know, you did it with Supes.

You did it with like CW Supes.

I did all— I did, I did the— I did, uh, fuck, what is it? I did The Vampire Diaries. Yeah, you did. I did Marvel too.

Oh, you did Marvel too?

Oh, I did all that shit.

The McGuskies are susceptible to girl—

100% girl TV. It's called, uh, Marvel.

Are you kidding me, girl?

Man, Marvel, come on. It's true, it's true. Literally the king, bro.

Spidey, some jeans, girl. Spider-Man's the most girl out of all the Spider-Man. If I hear you talking about Wonder Woman, we're gonna have—

I fucking hate that shit. I didn't watch— I literally skipped fucking—

Doctor Strange is my— I'm a Doctor Strange, right?

Who also likes Doctor Strange?

I love Doctor Strange might be the best, honestly.

Me and Spade watch— fuck, we went to San Diego, dude. We went and saw fucking Guardians of the Galaxy 3.

That's different.

Guardians is number one.

That's one seat apart, and we were literally just waiting for our flight, went to the fucking place, I think it was in Coronado, and almost cried together watching it.

Guardians is a little too close.

I'm trying to think, what was the show? The show— I didn't watch Vampire Diaries, I watched the spin-off of Vampire. It was called the, uh, thing.

I didn't watch that since I was like 17. Give me that.

Give me that. Dude, those shows are—

where you—

chick was—

maybe it's somebody else. I'm thinking, were you watching like Archer and like The Batman, the Gotham?

Fed likes—

I watch Gotham.

I watch Gotham.

Also a terrible—

these are crazy shows to watch.

Yeah, very bad shows. Girl shows.

I'm not trying to niche-bog.

Not niche-bogging. It's just girl shows. You're— when you're first with a babe, you're just like, okay, what are we going to do? And she's like, We're gonna watch like the worst show ever.

I mean, she hit me with Studio Ghibli, which was honestly pretty good. Ghibli's kind of unreal. And then I hit Harry Potter for the first time ever.

So I mean, Harry Potter, that's why I'm not married. Yeah, but the girls I'm with are getting hit with Ruud van Nistelrooy, all goals scored by Manchester United. Uh, they're getting hit with Jeremy Love highlights.

I mean, this is niche vlogging.

Yeah, that's, that's what they're getting hit with.

Yeah, it's like an iPad kid.

Yeah, you watch this shit. Shit. Check this out. I'm not used to how hyped the Eagles were before this game.

I'm too— I'm too little, bro. I don't even— I don't— I see a remote, I'm just— I just like look at it. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I don't— I don't— I'm a scumbag. I don't put it on.

I think whatever you want, put it on.

I think— I think the show I was watching was called The Immortals.

Uh, I think there was a show. The movie is The Immortals, and the dude from Silicon Valley, the Indian guy's in it, and he has like finger guns. And I was like, dude, this is too—

no, you're talking about Eternals.

Eternals. Yeah, sorry. Immortals might have been one of those with a Henry Cavill. You don't like any superhero shit?

Um, I like the Guardians of the Galaxy.

That shit is good.

Yeah, that's not— that doesn't even count. That doesn't even—

I never saw any of the X-Men, the original.

Sorry, it's called the Originals.

I think there was an X-Men that I liked.

That's what I'm saying, it's good.

Yeah, Last Stand, it's pretty good.

And then I got a little me time and I was like, hey, why don't we watch No Country for Old Men? And she was into it, and the ending happened and it was— she was pissed. Said, what the fuck was that? So that's the end of the movie. It's sick.

No, it's awesome. They need clean resolutions, dude.

Yeah, they need two people to go, wait, wait, you can't get on that plane.

Anything outside of that, they go, what the fuck? Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

And then that other video, how come he's not talking to himself the entire movie explaining exactly what he's doing? I don't know what he's doing.

How'd he get here?

It's weird because they don't care about it when it's horny time. Yeah, there's a movie that's all horny time. They don't, they don't need explanations.

They don't need a guy's name or anything.

I might fire up Fifty Shades. I might fire that back up.

Oh, go into it or just—

no, right, just watch it, right? And watch it.

It's all about— I've never seen it.

Fifty Shades is—

you watched it?

I saw— I went and saw it in the theaters.

Yeah, I'm trying to see Odyssey.

I was on a date. I was on a date.

That's a crazy date.

Which date?

Like, is this Tinder? It was just like an early day, years ago.

Uh, it was like a first or second date.

No, no, no, it wasn't first.

That's like seventh grade movies.

I mean, you can look up when that came out.

You can look up, you can look up the era, but it was way, way back.

Mouse in his villain arc.

Different people, different times, different people.

Tinder date to fucking 50. It was before, it was before that.

No, it was before that.

It was before that.

Holy balls, bro.

It was another lifetime. Whole other lifetime.

Fucking horny.

That's like Gerben putting on the red lights.

That is Gerben taking it to Chinatown.

It's hitting me right now. You, you're Taxi Driver walking in the theater, bro.

Did you finish?

It was different lifetime, dude.

I hear you, man. I remember.

It's 2015 too.

Same old Matt. 2015, what were you?

No, I think, I think it was older. That might have been the, the new one.

Talking about the original 50 More Shades or whatever.

That was 50 More. I'm talking about 50.

Damn, I didn't know you were goon like that.

I was goon. I was swap.

I would just say, hey, let's wait.

I was bricked up. I was completely bricked up.

I would have been.

Yeah, I mean, you know, I was eternally bricked, dude.

Chicks are always reading fucking those sexy books.

The sexy books, non-stop. The best is when they are reading a sexy book, you just sit there and start reading out loud what they're reading. They get so mad. Like, it's like, stop, you're ruining it.

It's very hot.

They're in book clubs. Yeah, they all read horny books together and talk about it.

That's so—

that's like jerking off together in 7th grade.

Dude, literally, they're good.

They might just be late on that. They hit their sexual peak late.

They do.

I think they're late on everything.

What they do with it, I don't know, but I haven't run into it yet.

Kind of keep it to themselves. Yeah, I've heard that. I've read that a long time ago, that women peak sexually around like, what is it, 35 or 40?

Yeah, yeah, they just don't usually do it with their husbands.

Yeah, they do. They, they like to build a life that they can just build up deep sexual frustration with it, and then they betray it all.

That's hot.

It is hot. It's undeniably hot. It's undeniably hot.

You need the gold because it's got the mental.

I don't know if you know, but it does shit to your brain.

It helps you get a boat.

Have you tried it?

No, no.

You see that shit like, um, being sick, trying to give out all the dudes tea in the army.

Is he really?

Oh, it's gonna be nuts.

I think that's what you get. You get like testosterone and you get like the apoc— you get read like the Book of Revelations. And then you go and you do what needs to be done, obviously, to create—

imagine if they had like, uh, T-boosters in the original Crusade.

They did, dude.

They did. It was just all like 18-year-olds. Yeah, is he getting that, uh, approved?

Yeah, you like get tested. 30 years old, just like get tested. Everyone's gonna be juiced up, dude.

Smart.

Pretty much making Spartans again.

Pretty much.

I wouldn't mind that.

It is what it is. We gotta do what we gotta do.

We're gonna need jacked guys.

We need more Odysseus's, dude.

I just want this shit.

You need silver.

I just want them to isolate— I want to isolate the mental aspect of the new boner pills and give me just that. How powerful would you be with just the mental aspect? Just mentally.

I wish my dick worked.

That is literally called Adderall, bro.

Yeah, you just get shriveled.

Your head is going 1,000 miles a minute.

But I don't get very horny on it.

I don't get— my dick literally goes away.

Yeah, I want mental horn.

I only experienced that one time.

No one can see this.

The Molly. I only experienced that one time where I was like, whoa, Molly's a shriveler.

Molly's a monster shriveler.

But you don't mind? Yeah, while you're on Molly. Yeah, Adderall though, you hit the urinal and you go Dude, no, please no one see this. Please, this is the craziest.

I had to take like— that's what I was telling Bill, like all these, all these, like a cadaver dick.

It's fucked up.

All these dudes are getting psyoped on like getting their T tested, and it's like, if I was like, yo, let me measure your dick right now.

Yeah, true.

That's what they're just taking, like one little reading. The shit changes during the day.

It does, you know. Any—

do you want to measure your dick? Like someone should be measuring it constantly for like a week and then give you like, there it is, a T reader. That's the it.

There was a—

I think it's bullshit too.

Yardstick in my new house that was left over.

As soon as I saw it, I was like, no, let's see where we're at.

Hide that.

I never want to see this thing. I haven't seen what 7 inches looks like in so long. I thought I was close, dude.

I'm not—

we're not even near that. I just literally like—

it's like one of these, dude.

Literally saw it across the room and I was like, yo, start measuring from behind your balls, bro. The shaft goes past it.

Any dude with a tape measure does the same exact thing.

You just go go, fuck, that's what— if you're probably about— if you're with it enough, maybe it is that.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you go, that's what fucking 9 looks like? Jesus Christ. You put it away.

Pulling out tape measure, looking at 13 inches is literally classic every time. Yeah, that's pretty nice.

That's impossible.

It's great work.

It doesn't exist.

Those are the best reels. The guys are like, yo, cut that 2 inches, and the guy's like—

there was an iron worker constantly would tell us, we were like fucking 19 years old, he was like, I gotta cock like a hockey puck. I was like, bro, why are you telling me this?

What does that even mean?

Like, fucking fat gordo?

Yeah, like a log. I shared it. I shared an office with a guy who would just constantly tell me about his huge penis.

I would too, honestly.

He would be like, I spit in women's mouths. He's like, that's what you do, that's what they want. You just go, you fucking whore. He would claim, he goes, what they want you to do.

Never understood this.

I, I would sit there and go, dude's deeply troubled.

Yeah, it's like, I will not do that. I'll never—

as I said, I would never—

if a girl told me to do I'll go, you, ew, don't like that stuff with you.

I don't like that.

I guess I'll do it. Oh, I love that.

That's what we're doing right now.

You whore.

Spit in my mouth.

I haven't brushed my teeth all day. Had like 3 coffees. This is going to be disgusting.

I just take it to 10. I turn around to shit on him right away. You fucking whore. I lay on my back, lift my legs, and shit the bed.

Just launch one into the head.

I can kill myself.

Diddy did that, right?

I, I, I have— I think he did everything.

Scatman. Yeah, I think so. I think there was like a thing where he like, he shit on someone's chest or got his chest—

No, that's— you're thinking of Ray J. Ray J got— he claimed— wasn't he— claimed £4 of shit on him.

Oh, Ray J got shit on by £4?

He said he claimed the lady dumped a 4-pound— he said this on stream.

He's in the Gage agency.

He was, he was on, he was on.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that guy's hilarious.

Ray J might be one of the funniest guys because a lot of those guys, those entertainers come back and they are like Batmanville. Like 6ix9ine is—

I'm watching, um, I thought 6ix9ine was dead for something. Like, my head's so fucked up. I was like, damn, there's 6ix9ine. Then I saw Dame Dash talking shit on Jay-Z. I was like, who are you?

He's been up there, he's been up to that for a long time.

That's crazy.

He's done a lot of Tubi movies. Dame Dash was gonna make a huge comeback.

Crazy horse.

What was he famous for in the beginning?

The Rockefeller. Okay, yeah, he was, he was like spraying bottles in the background of the music videos. He was, he was the man for a while, man. He was kind of Diddy. He was like, he was like adjacent. Yeah, he was like, he was like a— it was same play. He was like a hype man for a label that he created, so he kind of tore a page out of Diddy's handbook, and he was, he was good at it. Okay, and then it was just like Jay-Z became quadrillionaire. Yeah, yeah, and then he was just kind of like, check out my movie.

Damn, so he just like talks shit? That sucks. They were boys.

He signed Kanye too. He signed Jay-Z.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, so he signed them?

Diplomats. Yeah, they were all under Rockefeller.

Oh wow. So I mean, he fucking stayed—

he was fine. He was cool. I love his interviews. I would assume so.

Uh, yeah, fucked up he was. And then I think he got—

yeah.

Although his interviews, I will say he's one of the best podcast guests of all time. He wears a suit and just calls whoever's interviewing him gay. It's kind of—

it's really— I mean, the reels I get when I'm trying to make the intros, I fucking look at the reels, I'm like, bro, He's got his money.

He's, he's honestly pretty great.

So many great sounds.

Goes on The Breakfast Club, calls Charlemagne and the other guy gay because he's like, you guys have a boss, that's gay. And just, it's so funny. And he— I, I don't wanna— I think he might be kind of hammered the whole time. I'm pretty sure he's hammered everywhere.

A lot of these guys are hammered.

Yeah, I think he's also sick. Awesome. Hammered suit, just going, you guys know anything about business? You're gay. Check out my new movie on TV.

Yeah, 50-year-old black guys are the greatest. He's—

and pausing everything. He's a heavy pauser. He's— Dame Dash is the man. I really genuinely think he is the man.

That's what I got— that's why I'm remembering it, cuz he got hit— he hit like a weird pause today and it made me laugh.

So funny that that's how they split. Like, Jay-Z went and became like, I'm a billionaire, I'm a businessman. And then the other guy got hammered in his suit and was like, you guys are fucking gay. I'm making 2— he's crazy. And the boys broke up and fell apart.

Jay-Z started opening up for Hillary Clinton. That shit was weird. He was doing it in Philly. I remember that shit.

I know, I remember that thing.

Him and his nose. The Beehive.

Don't have the Beehive come after you, dude.

The guys will be commenting bumblebees under your pictures.

I think that's— I think now they're, they're more just a brand now, cuz I think— well, Beyoncé had the country album.

Yeah, it was the best country album of all time.

I'll be honest, that one song is a hit.

Which one?

It Ain't Texas.

Yeah, the one that was written by a fucking the best songwriters in Nashville.

Yeah, it was probably him.

Don't be a crybaby.

Dude, it's the thing, you can't give a black woman credit for— I was a Beyoncé hater.

No, I'm gonna be honest, I've been trying, I've been trying to do this thing. I would try to do a thing—

this ain't for me, dude.

I would go, I would listen, I would go like this. I was a Beyoncé hater forever because I'd always—

everyone—

I'm not a Beyoncé hater.

No, I'm telling you, listen, listen, I would always, all the time Beyoncé. In my relationships, the girl would ever— they would go, well, they would go, Beyoncé's about— she's all right. And I was, I was just geared to hate. So I'm like, let me just give an honest listen to this album. That song came on, I'm like, God damn, it's a toe-tapping— it was a toe-tapping hit. It was a toe-tapping hit.

Come on, I'm a Shaboozy guy, bro.

Shaboozy's nice too.

It's the most positive dude I've ever seen on video.

Shaboozy's nice. The Queen B, just all—

every bar—

Bill, just say she slayed. Just say she fucking ate. All right, just say she fucking ate.

She fucking ate.

Is that like ate and served and all that?

Yeah, I lost it.

Just say she ain't.

She served cunt on that album. Admit she served cunt on the album.

This ain't—

yeah, she, uh, she definitely—

it's all rude, like I said.

Billy's gay.

I think it's the— is the pop country rush over?

No, it's just beyond.

I mean, Billy's coined the term Judeo-Christian.

Judeo-country.

Judeo-country.

They've moved from the rap. So like, you know how it's like, oh, the CIA, and like, you're like, go, I'm going fishing, I'm drinking, I have a truck. It's called Judeo country. Made it up. Do you like that?

It's a great term.

No, I don't like it.

No, like, um, wake up country. Yeah, I'm at a lake.

Technically, this counts.

I just— did you see how there's no rap in like the top 40 right now? Yeah, I have— Sauron has went on.

Drizzly Drake probably back.

Drizzly will come back.

And he did. Drizzly did.

Yo, if he goes country be nasty.

He'll go country. There was rumors.

Country? No, I think it was a meme.

He won't go country.

If he did go country, he would dominate.

Yeah, right now that it's all country and like shit like that, and like, uh, this country is the new rap metal. No, it's a new rap.

Yeah, it's rap but it's country.

Yeah, true. Okay, fair enough. I— dude, I'm telling you, people are sleeping on the TPUSA halftime show. That was—

I was wide awake, bro. People were literally sleeping on it.

No one watched it.

I watched it. It was so funny.

The Bad Baby one in English was hilarious.

Yeah, really?

Translated.

Yeah, it's what you were talking about with him where it's like, oh, he's literally— I want to show my aunt my new—

oh, it's crazy girlfriend.

It's like walking around, love it, she's so hot.

Man's so horny for my sex. Yeah, his lyrics are fucked, dude. They're crazy. I saw that years ago because I remember I heard of him and I actually would like listen to Bad Bunny and I was like, what the hell's this guy talking about? I looked it up and I was like, yo, bro, I talked about it on the local New York news program. I'm never doing that ever.

It was my favorite.

The one—

the one—

no, the local wasn't that— the Philly, Philly one was one of the craziest.

What did you do when I— when I did this special? They were just like, I did that look like an H24 movie.

It was crazy.

Oh, you did that dude, his little podcast? Yeah, that's fucking nuts, dude.

I don't know, they were like, just do all these. I was like, yeah, whatever, whatever it needs to be. I'm I'm a team player. Yeah, to a fault.

You're DTP.

Nah, I mean that guy down to play.

And I said, yeah, whatever you think works.

Not DTP on the show though. These guys are fucking coming at me.

Well, here's the thing, my brother had beef with him, so I was ready for him to start. So I was on guard the whole time, ready to be like, yeah dude, you're a fucking asshole to my brother. So then like I was there ready for him to start, but he was so nice. And also as soon as I got there, I went, I shouldn't have done this.

Of course, try that.

And I came out like, hey, But also too, I couldn't stop. I—

whenever I'm doing— this is to get more eyes on your show, supposedly.

Yeah, whenever, whenever I do a new thing, I can't help it. I have this look in my eyes that's just like a very intense kind of look because I'm just being like, what the fuck's going on right now? And it's— I didn't realize how it's called. I've haunted her.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you guys are like public people, so like you have to like learn how to look right.

You get like—

I haven't done that.

Your eyes get glassy.

Your eyes are glassy on that interview and you're like, What? The guys are like, so you have a new special coming out? That had to be like— that's pretty cool, man, you made it to Netflix.

You're like, yeah, you're visibly thinking.

Yes, okay, trash business.

He's like, well, that's a little weird. I'm like, it's not that weird. When he was talking about homeless people, that's a little— I was like, it's not at all, it's totally fine to laugh at homeless people shitting. He was like, okay, I guess it is. Yeah, that was weird. The pot— I also— it really—

yeah, I don't think it does.

Radio guys used to get me with that. I'm going to do a radio thing and you sit there and you're like, 6 AM, this is nuts. You got— think you guys are trashing me the way you're talking to me.

Like, there's senses.

Yeah, it's like local news radio humor where it's like there's like weird sexual innuendo is like the funniest thing they can do. Yeah, sexual innuendo. But they're also— they belittle you the entire time.

Yeah, they have to keep it real clean.

It's a room of like 6 people that see each other every every morning.

I think I'm pretty funny. I think I could do what you do, honestly.

Yeah, okay, dude, I'm an Eskimo brother with one of those guys, and they do do comedy. They did do comedy, and they ended up there.

Oh yeah, that's that for sure. That's also— congrats.

Who are you Eskimo brothers with?

I mean, you can't do that on camera.

You're not on camera.

It's Baltimore.

It's a guy in Baltimore.

Oh, okay.

His name's not Mickey, is it?

No, that's tight. Your Eskimo bros with them?

Yeah, that's cool.

I respect any of my Eskimo brothers. I would never fight with an Eskimo bro.

No, I don't know. I mean, my swords are down now. My sword's down now, dude.

True. War's over.

Trojan War's over. I'm out of the sea right now waiting for the wind.

It is crazy, dude. I— at 40, your boner falls off a cliff. It's like clockwork. It's so— it's kind of dick.

What are you even here for?

I love that. And he's bound down, he has a gun pointed at—

take this, you fucking bird!

Chin implant.

I love it.

No one's ever going to top that show.

It's the greatest show that's ever been made. When he's hyped after they do the news and he goes out and punches the fucking—

start, honestly, season 1 pilot to the final of 4, it's Amazing. Unbelievable ending. Yeah, it's— it won't be touched ever again. It's just— it's Mount Olympus.

Best show ever.

It's Mount Olympus. That's kind of like my dick right now. It did it all, dude.

It's done it, dude.

It's like Eastbound Down, dude. It's already— it's the best.

Season 4 Eastbound Down.

If it does anything now, it's like the Home Run Derby. You're like, yeah, ball.

No, now it's more— I'm just on like, you know, like some planets, like a year for one planet is like 9 Earth years. That's kind of— my dick's on a different rotation Yeah, it's like you're hitting that thing where you're like, actually, you think it's a solar system, we're going through the universe. It used to be fleet-footed Mercury, it would just be like two revolutions. Now it's just old.

Yeah, it's not even a fucking planet anymore, it's a dead star. Like, it's just ice and shit.

It was never even a circle.

Yeah, it's shit. It's out there.

Its moons are just now a fine dust that form rings, have crashed into each other.

Then you eventually start getting ding dong ditch.

And then you fucking run as fast as you can.

You're an old man, it just starts getting dicked on.

They take that to work with you. That's when it's time to take out the pistol.

So you start chasing little kids.

I gotta get out of the city. I have like 10 years before I'm— I can't remember what day it is that I have a gun.

No, you just walk. Your dick is so soft that your head's light. You're like, it's never been this— then you fall down, you walk, and the news is right there, and you go— you just start watching the news and you go, fine.

Is it like being on shrooms, or do you get hang time, or you just have ball hang time?

Well, here's the thing, I've, I've reclaimed—

I, it's—

you do cardio and your dick does start—

but no one's had more dick.

Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something?

That dick's huge again, right?

No, no, it's not.

It works perfect.

It's fine. No, no, listen, this is— this will give you an insight into my life. The other day, the other day, it actually, it got like regular hard, like how hard it gets when it's like fully working, and my wife laughed. She went, what the fuck is going on? Yo, come on, come on, come on.

It's hard.

Been there.

I live in that, bro.

Like, whoa, here it is. You get a whoa tiger.

This is what I meant every time we've had sex. This is what I was going for.

It's the pure expression. But no, it's, uh, yeah, it's, you know, it's so cyclical, dude. Because here's the thing too, I can't even fap because of the chance I'll fap myself out. A simple fap, I'm fapped out for 2 So it's like I just—

I'm on edge. Damn.

So every now and again you time the fat. I like—

again, wonder what would happen if you edged every day.

Oh, I could tell you about this later.

I don't think anyone can actually edge, dude.

I mean, there's no way. There's no way. I'm not doing it.

If you're a high-level like guy like Sting, you could edge every day.

The guy's writing music from the 14th century.

Sting practiced tantra.

That's legendary. Fucking crazy.

It was Kevin Gates claims that he doesn't—

Kevin Gates is this incredible liar.

You think he's capping?

Yes, bro.

He's dead.

Kevin Gates is alive.

Who's the guy that's dead?

Which one? You keep thinking that.

I don't know.

No, no, there's another— there's like a manosphere dude, and I think he died.

Oh, you're talking about the Black Manosphere guy?

Yes.

What's his name? It's your boy.

He had cocaine in his system?

Yes.

Yeah, the guy who would call women fat.

Who was that guy?

Kevin, uh, it's Kevin something, right? Kevin Samuel. I forget his name.

Hey, you might be actually right about that. He was awesome. His—

when you get Zoom calls, you're like, how old are you? Yeah, shut up, old bitch.

What are you bringing to the table? Two kids, no job.

Time for a quick break from the show for a special segment called More or Less Soccer Edition. The entire summer of soccer is on PrizePicks. Don't miss your last chance to get in on the action. They're offering everything from final winners to most goals scored. So this is what we're thinking for picks this week.

Hmm.

Begin with your picks for most goals scored in this year's tournament. Please reference— okay, yeah, I'm thinking Lionel Messi, Argentina, 8 goals.

Yeah.

Kylian Mbappé from France. Yep, they're done.

Who do you have next?

Hmm, there's Ousmane Dembélé. From France, 4 goals. You know, the key to pronouncing French names is you think about what's the most insufferable way to say this, you know, like that's how you probably say it. Of course.

Uh, do you— who do you think should have more or less?

Oh, I'm thinking, uh, Dembélé is gonna have less.

Yes.

And Mbappé will have— he'll have more.

Exactly. Uh, so that's our take. Pick. Now it's time to lock in yours. Uh, download the app today and use code DRENCH to get $50 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. Uh, that's code DRENCH to get $50 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. PrizePicks, America's number one sports pick app.

Did you see the, uh, the footage of, uh, Tiga from 106 Park?

Tiger?

It's not Tiger, that's a rapper. It's Tiga. It was Big Tigger from the rap Basement. It was before your time. It was before you remember the Basement.

Up and listen.

Yeah, yeah, please. But no, he, he was like on those— he was on, he was on BET forever. There's footage out where he's wrestling his phone out of this girl. You didn't see this?

No.

So I think his girlfriend or wife— dude, their girl has his phone, huh?

It's like winning the pill.

That's his name.

That's his name, dude.

Hold it down.

I just can't get my dick on your hand. I mean, dude, I just put my hand right here in the crate.

That's what I'm doing. Yeah, no, but he's wrestling. So he basically had to wrestle his wife or girlfriend in front of the kid. The kid was like, Mr. Tigger, stop it! Mr. Tigger, let go! Because he was like wrestling the mom. He's like, just give me my phone. Phone. Just give me my phone.

Oh my God.

So there's a lot of guys reacting to be like, that is that man's personal property and he deserves his personal property.

Yeah, that's never a good look when you're wrestling the phone from the woman and then going, there's nothing in there.

Yeah, obviously.

You ever see that?

You see the video of the chimp who gets a hold of the AK-47? Everyone just kind of backs away. That's all I can do. It's like, oh, whatever you want to do.

Just like this one, Planet of the Apes.

No, no, there's a real video.

Well, is it from Planet of the Tricked by AI.

He got tricked from a movie. That's old school.

You know what I'm talking about? That's for real from Planet of the Apes.

Either that or Planet of the Apes copied it. Yeah, because there is a scene where a monkey comes down and acts like he's like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing, he picks up the gun.

I'll hang up and listen.

Maybe I'll hang up and listen. You could be right. Maybe a monkey did pick up an AK. Yeah, and it was on Ebon's World. It was one of the first things recorded.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

It's—

this is like old stuff.

Stuff.

Maybe it was AI.

Probably before the internet.

Ah, sorry, I'm shaking. I had an NDE.

The only thing I'm thinking about is how fucked I am tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I don't think about that, bro.

There's no way I'm not.

Oh, here's what you got to do. Greatest—

just don't think about it.

That's the thing that's crazy.

Don't read the comments. Also though, don't even think— hey, good for you. Yeah, thanks. Good for you, man.

It's so funny, whatever I tell people about, like, good for him.

Yeah, I mean, that is like the real world of it.

It's awesome.

Like, oh man, Use the link. Cool. Good for them. Yeah, everyone's just doing their own thing.

So they go, wow, wow, shit, that's cool.

That's awesome.

I don't think it's only a freak show big deal for the guy that has to go.

Most people don't— it doesn't register how insanely massive it is. They go, wow, huh, it's crazy.

The dudes do it all the time. Like, it's nuts that you guys go places and then give someone like a night of entertainment and then just roll. Yeah, and that's like their big night. Yeah, that's like their date night.

That's why when you bomb, you're like, I feel terrible.

Yeah, right.

And then someone DMs me and goes I spent $400 fucking—

oh God, you suck. Thanks. I know you heard that fucking joke, dude. I heard that fucking joke. That's all I got, dude.

We're in this together, brother.

Stop working on crazy how I do stand-up.

When we saw fucking, um, The Lumineers, I felt like I was for real in Rivendell.

That was the most beautiful show I've ever seen.

And you started realizing that these guys like build shows and put together shows.

It's a whole other—

yeah, yeah, I've literally felt like I built a show here?

Yeah, we got a show going. The greatest fireworks extravaganza.

First comedian paid for pyros. Obviously, I used to cost an arm and a leg in Fight Night.

You remember that? It costs a real arm and a leg.

Really? The pyros?

The pyros. I'm not making a lot of money on this. I mean, it's a lot of money, obviously, but as much as you fucking think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm spending a lot on this shit.

I'm gonna lose my shirt.

I'm losing my shirt a little.

You gotta spend money, make money.

You're exactly right.

Did you used to do that in Fight Night?

Yeah, go out.

Or would you go hardcore and just do nothing, walk out Tyson's though.

There was a couple of those, but sometimes I do smoke. Fight Night fucking rules.

Blazers. Yeah.

Haymaker.

Boxing video game is Jordan.

All the Jordan gear I was wearing, all the fucking depleted. Yeah.

What's the status on the boxing video game? I feel like they've slipped.

They fell off. Yeah, yeah, they don't have many.

They were so good.

Fight Night was a great—

yeah, it was awesome.

Better than any UFC game. Fuck all that shit. Fight Night, what was that, Xbox One?

I forget, but it was sick.

Yeah, it was like, oh, I don't know, UFC games are so good. Original Fight Night was unreal. The training was unreal. All that shit was awesome. Mini games in Madden, I will say, was also great.

That was awesome.

40-yard dash, bro, I couldn't fucking run a 4.3 with my two fucking fingers.

I never got it.

That's good.

They're on legs if you think about it, literally.

I know, that's why I would just go like this.

I was running like my actual—

think about it.

Yeah, my video game guy was as slow as I am. Are you serious?

Or just mash A with your thumb.

5.840.

Yeah, that's fucking tough.

It was tough. I couldn't do it. Mini games, fuck, that was good, dude. Nice. Running back mini games was Awesome.

I did want to ask you back from college football.

What?

It's an NCAA. Did they really?

Yeah. Is it really? Let's go. Sick. Listen to By Frostbill. I think it's honestly one of the greatest, greatest episodes.

Oh, the one we did last week?

Yeah.

I will say though, you kind of claim to be the pioneer of lifting in the house. It was me.

I mean, that's what he said that in the beginning.

I said in the beginning, I said you—

I don't know what—

immediately to the dark bodybuilding picture.

Yeah, I don't know what part he started the podcast.

I know, I saw it.

Yeah, I don't know.

They're my afters.

I have the picture.

I never had a lifting bro.

You didn't either?

Me?

You did?

You took pictures?

Yeah, well, in college, dude. You had lifting bros by the time you're in college?

I just had—

Tell me you didn't have a small—

I had small mates. They were at the gym. We weren't taking pic— we weren't popping top, taking pictures.

Oh, you're talking about start to finish?

Yeah, I wasn't doing all that.

That's fair enough.

Enough.

No, I mean, that was the thing that you didn't go in on chicken with BJ's with anybody. You go in on the, on the chicken breast.

No, never. I would eat Wawa.

I feel bad.

Classic Hoagies. Chicken classic Hoagies. I was dirty bulking all the time.

You're dirty.

Yeah, I'd eat clean for like 3 days and just go, fuck it, dirty bulk.

Bro, I go, I'm looking good, I'm losing weight, I might as well eat a full fucking pizza every day.

That gets everybody, honestly.

I'll Never do it.

Double dinners.

Yeah.

No, that— the thing that was actually scary was my fucking magnesium shit. That was fucking terrifying.

What was it?

I fucking almost died, bro.

From what?

Magnesium. I didn't fucking realize it. Is that good? Okay, scary, man.

How much? Too much magnesium?

I think I was dosing it too much. And then I— were you load maxing a lot of it? And it was in my multivitamin. And then I started taking a magnesium supplement at night, and I was drinking a drink that had magnesium. I did not—

was this recently?

Literally a near-death experience 2 weeks ago.

How?

I'm sorry, you're stealing so much value with NDA right there, bro.

I was there.

One second, completely off topic, but when you sat down, you plopped down, and it reminded me of Entires, every single script. Whenever my character sits down, it's like, and then Shane plops on the couch. And after like the 90th time, I was like, how come I'm the only one plopping.

Everyone else is pulling like a half a G, dude, getting back in my seat.

Shane plops onto the couch and says, are you gay?

Shane spills into the couch.

Yeah, I was like, who the fuck's writing this?

What the hell?

I mean, is everybody on the set dainty? No.

But then I think after I brought it up, now everyone plops on the couch.

That's so fucking funny.

Inclusivity.

Inclusivity is important. Plopping is such a crazy Shane comes in the room and plops onto the fucking floor.

Turd.

Fat fucking turd idiot. All right, need more. All right, so what are you doing?

I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was double dosing myself because it was in my multivitamin and my, um, my nightly magnesium supplement. I just thought you needed to sleep.

By glycinate, or what are you talking? It's a Citrate.

It's, it's everything.

It's a whole family, dude.

The family's—

there's like— this is just two of them. There's like two—

there's like 4 more of these dudes that are just big dogging each other about fucking supplements.

I'm not big dog. I want to know.

Big dog on every single conversation. You go, dude, I don't know if you know about the, uh, structural integrity of skyscrapers. I was in Toronto, a guy told me about the— I know you weren't big dog there. That was just—

I would have known.

Yeah, that was an example. I was just trying to think of something. That was not a real big dog. That was not a real big dog. This is big dog. You guys are big dogging on that game, and you know you This is what you fuckers do.

My ego's at the door.

It's not even— it's not even— yeah, it just comes off that way.

I'm just saying, no other form of magnesium crosses the blood-brain barrier. You need to buy— you need at least bicarbonate or something else.

I mean, Tom, Tom called me the other day, was like, dude, I'm pretty sure that was the highest dose of peyote ever in Garden Valley. I'm like, yeah, obviously it was. How was it, dude?

I fucking go to sleep.

Imagine if you like poured more like money in. Imagine if you had more more. Imagine if you were all like multi, multi-millionaires. Terrifying.

They would be the craziest group of people because you're, you're—

you max out at every, at every chance. Every checkpoint is a max out. So it's like, imagine if you just poured more water on the gremlins, dude. Like, there'd be a city somewhere.

Tom maxes out. You guys, there'd be a city somewhere that max out.

I didn't— I wasn't doing this purposely.

I'm not trying— hold on, this might be—

people don't understand, like, right regular people that are listening probably don't understand. Shane understands. He's the only dude that understands what I'm talking about.

The cross you bear.

I love it. It is funny as fuck.

Not a cross, it's hilarious, but nobody can get outside of it.

But then I don't think you guys are joking a lot. I'm dead serious. Like, there's always, there's always this hint of seriousness.

I'm dead.

I almost died, dude. You, you would be eulogizing me right now. I accidentally took—

what were the symptoms?

I'm not going to your fucking funeral, dude. I have to go to Magooby's Joke House that weekend.

Literally take it back.

I take it back.

What were the symptoms?

I'll be there. I'll be like a black lady at the funeral. I'll literally be screaming. I'll be screaming on that coffin. You're gonna have to pull me off, dude.

Just saying, super relatable topic for a podcast. We've all been there. I was in my bed and I started having fucking heart arrhythmias, and my heart was beating like 3 times in a row without the fucking magnesium. I know, but bro, the fucking problem was like like it was happening so much, I didn't want to say anything to my fucking wife sitting there.

You need a bender.

I was just—

you've never had a bender.

I was chilling. But bro, the thing was, I couldn't pin it on the magnesium because I had a monster plate of lasagna. So I was like not knowing what was going on, but I was literally fucking paralyzed with fear, so I couldn't check my phone. And at that point, I was like, if I die today, it is what it is. I can't look this shit it up and freak out more. So I sat there for 2 hours just having arrhythmias and shortness of breath. I thought it was fucking magnesium, but I did have a fucking monstrous thing of lasagna, few mozzarella balls thrown on top of that.

Obviously I was hit— I was getting hit with fucking heart murmurs and shit, like crazy. Thankfully they've chilled out. I was— I haven't gone to bed for like a decade with like, yeah, whatever the fuck that was.

You don't just miss every— you'll breathe, you're like, oh fuck, my heart just stopped.

I ran up The whole way I was carrying this pot and I ran up a hill like trying to show off for Fed, just fucking around. I got to the top of the hill. It felt like Shane was sitting on my chest. Like I was slopped. I was standing up. It'd be like if all of you guys were like pushing on my chest, like no air. Really? It's just like— but I'm standing up and I'm just like, oh yeah, why is it hot as fuck in here?

Sorry, AC probably. Yeah, you open the door, whatever you want to do.

But yeah, I thought I was having like a heart attack. I was like, oh, this is what—

yeah, I've had a couple scares. Wait, so you can't blame it on the magnesium?

No, the jury's still out, but I'm pretty sure it was magnesium.

And probably like Garfield lasagna. Shit was good as fuck. Speaking of grubbin', I watched Gerby's. Gerby's at the Home Run Derby was psychotic, dude. First of all, he's got a tailored jersey. He has a tailored baseball jersey, so it's— it looks like a small t-shirt. The sleeves come up to like here.

It looks like a greaser.

Crazy.

There's like a level I don't know, I don't know what you call it. Like, what is that?

He brought binoculars in a pouch attached to his khaki shorts. He took out his binoculars, no problem, just sitting next to us.

Just, what are you looking at?

Exactly, it's a home run derby. And then he was like, oh, this is my— I'm gonna order a slice of pizza. He ordered a full pizza. Wasn't personal pie, a full pizza. Sat by himself and ate an entire pizza like that. He usually doesn't. This was his favorite pie? Yeah, it was impressive.

You know what pie it was?

Uh, no, I forget.

It's got me curious now.

We had it here in the beach.

So Mac and Mangoes.

So you guys are in a box.

It's got—

I think it might be—

that was going on.

Yeah, if it's Mac and Mangoes, I almost understand. That's— was it swirly cheese? Was it swirly sauce? Yeah, that's Mac and Mangoes, brother. That's good pie.

Yeah, it is.

It's Mac and Mangoes. I I kind of with him on that. Mac and Mac, it was today.

It was awesome. It was awesome.

You're getting into my world right now. This is all I do on YouTube. It's food reviews and casino reviews and boardwalk walks. That's great.

So they was trying to say you could crush a cruise.

I could crush a cruise now. When I was younger, I couldn't do it, but now that I realize the beauty of—

I'm in a hotel on the sea, but it's so small, there's no windows in the boat.

That would suck ass.

It would suck.

I did a cruise.

I did a Royal Caribbean when I was 14. It It was— it's kind of lit, honestly.

I think if I was 14, I could probably handle it. Yeah, now I would be furious.

It's the Monroes, dude, on the fucking water. The food's trash, bro.

What are you talking about? What about the new—

there's an English cruise for, uh, you haven't seen the videos I've seen right now. You haven't. The Four Seasons has a yacht fucking cruise right now, dude. Like, you don't know, there's high-end.

It sells out right away.

It's like mega bucks.

Celebrity X cruise.

This is Non-celebrity. Yeah, stop.

Enough.

There's swingers cruises.

Stop it.

That's what we're talking about, guys. Not, not big dogging, but I went on a cruise when I was 14. I got to eat dinner with the captain.

That's awesome.

Probably— I don't know why. He probably got 16 dudes with captain outfits.

It was with my friend's family.

It's called grooming.

I remember they were like, we're gonna eat dinner with— at the captain's table tonight. I was like, okay.

Yeah, holy shit.

Remember, it's like—

snuff's probably a drunk.

Yeah, we were drinking wine. We drank wine. It's cool. You're like walking, all of a sudden you go, whoa, and your legs are sea legs. Yeah, but I heard they're terrible for the coral reef.

I mean, it's whatever. I— all I do is watch YouTube videos about it, and what it— what it did was it graduated into a swinger.

Yes.

And I didn't do that myself.

Oh, you build it.

I didn't. Brick by brick.

They don't build themselves, bro. Somehow you wound up in super deals and swingers algo.

Well, the cruise—

you crawled there, bro.

The cruise and swinging thing is a big thing.

You brought that upon yourself.

It was funny though. We had a good time with it.

Yeah, you were warming up to something. You were maybe trying to get—

bless these swingers, dude.

What's that?

Bless these swingers.

Give them the WOG.

Yeah, right.

Get the pill for your mind and body.

Yes.

And bless them, dude.

At sea, it's a blue chew gold.

The ship's going to be rocking, dude.

I would like to take that, but with like full medical supervision. Yeah, so like take my wife to the hospital, have them hook me up with a job, put the things, the stickers on my head, and just have them watch.

Just totally cool, blessed right now.

And let them watch me fucking just lay mediocre pipe, only flexing your ass cheeks.

That's the bro.

Just break her off with mid dick.

I'm the king of that, bro. I mean, mid—

I thought the premature stuff was— I thought the pre— I didn't realize the premature stuff was like this, you know what I mean? When you're young and then when you're old.

Yeah, you hitting pre-jacks?

Oh, it's down two-pump jump all day long. That's awesome.

Fucking great.

Pre-jack's not bad. Pre-jack's an accomplishment.

You ever get no jack?

On soft, no jack.

No jack's terrible.

They get mad at no jack.

I don't know what that is?

It's alcohol-induced no jack.

Oh, like no cumming hit?

No, alcohol-induced no jacks.

Fair. Yeah.

Spades on top of the mound, he's, he skipped a snip.

It's pretty—

on top of the mound, I'm just saying. Fucking—

yeah, you look down at us.

Yeah, yeah, who's big dick now? We're not here.

Oh yeah, I have a huge dick, I cum all the time. Fuck that, dude. I don't want to hear you ever.

You have your full penis, bro. There's some guys—

and I'm sorry, we're mutilated. We're I gotta do cardio just to get it up. I gotta swim a mile a day. I'm basically pumping it. I might as well have a pump in my balls.

They have that.

They have that for the girls. Yeah, I know, the trans.

Yeah, guys, porn stars do it too, apparently.

Oh really?

Yeah, dude, any porn star you see, apparently that's not an— it's never a natural boner. Not a single one.

Yeah, I think they're dudes just to make themselves feel better. Yeah, these are guys.

Bill, I watch— I watch soft white.

Sounds crazy. Cobra.

Mark Liotta has to fucking calm down with that shit.

What, what exactly?

Soft white horny belly. All of his shit is like fucking glory hole girl, porn actress. Like, dude, just literally, you have the world. You could interview anyone.

Did you ever see— did you ever see when he— I don't know if this is— I'm not niche-mogging right now, but one time, one time he, uh—

I mean, that's literally what you're known for.

He put this prostitute You are the king.

I hit him with my one Nishmaag on the way here, which was Flags. Oh yeah, autistically straight down the line.

Yeah, you just know them all.

You gotta know. No, you know what hurt? I was bragging about my trivia to somebody. I was sitting there showing them and I was like, dude, I get this, I get this. Walk outside, there's a kid, you know, you know the people that do like sign up for shit, the people that just stand, uh, in the best.

Yeah, yeah.

And this kid just comes up to me and goes goes, can you name a state that ends with the letter K? And I was like, there's not. There's—

that quick?

That one, that one gets people.

Can you?

New York.

Yeah. And he was like, you've been there. I was in New York. And I was like, what the fuck you talking about? He was like, it's New York. And I was like, I have to leave. I was also thrown off. I thought I was getting interviewed Dude, I thought there was a camera.

I was just making up words in my head.

Like, I always— when I first, when I first confronted this, I was like, Arkansas ends with an S, so no, there's not one. And then eventually I, I, yeah, I spazzed on that one too.

I didn't dream—

I just— that came up somehow, somewhere, and I was like, oh man.

I had a dream that in the Great Lakes, if you were like— I, I don't know what I watched that like had this happen to me, but if you were like in the Great Lakes around Lake Erie and like Lake Michigan and legit. If you looked above it, there was Norway. And I had a dream that that was real, and I had that— I had it wrong my whole life. And I lived like a whole day thinking like, damn, I figured that out.

And then I saw a map again and I was like, oh wait, I don't understand.

Yeah, no one could understand it.

Like, they were like—

it was like, okay, I thought like Norway was like— nor— where Canada was.

Okay.

And I don't know, it's probably like World Cup clips I saw. That like got this going on in my head. But like for a whole day I was like, damn, that's crazy. Fucking Norway's right there.

Norway's right.

It's like we can go to— we can go to Norway whenever we want.

What are we doing?

We want—

what are we doing, dude?

Oh dude, far away.

Read a book one time that was like a— what is it, fiction? Like completely not real.

What is it, fiction?

Nonfiction? I always get that confused. Yeah, but Zayd read it, thought it was fucking real the whole time, then finished it, looked it up, and it was fake.

For 100 pages. For 100 pages.

He was actually getting scared.

Do you remember what it was?

It's called Jenny Flatt. It's by Tracy Twyman.

What happened in it?

I got— she was doing like— she was like invited to these like weird like prime minister like level British Masonic rituals. And then I was like, dude, this is fucking nuts.

Oh, but dude, the, uh, Horny White Underbelly He, or whatever, where you're calling it, he did one.

Do this, you're kind of pretty, dude.

He interviewed a prostitute who was pretty hot, obviously, obviously. And, uh, and he, you know, asked all the questions, and then he eventually like got her an apartment, helping her to get her act together.

Yeah, yeah.

And she had been lying the whole time because he was like, he had much like the Whitakers, dude. He had her on and he was like, hey, welcome back. And he's like, turns out you were lying about a couple things, dude. He, he had a key to her apartment. So he was like, I just thought it was weird, like you said you're out of town, the lights are on, so I just stopped by. I had to use the bathroom anyway. And there was a fucking guy in there.

And she ended up getting like a weird young girlfriend from this, bro.

She was, she was having sex with her half-brother this entire time.

Many such cases.

And he was, he was just laughing, texting like, bitch ass, pussy ass, fucking tricked your ass, I got all that money, bitch. It's kind of nice. I think you start having both them on.

Yeah, the Whitakers got like money and stuff, and then he got pissed at them because they start misusing funds. It's like, dude, have you looked at Timmy and Rhett? They have dipshit on their shirts. Timmy got scared by a shovel falling on the ground. You think these people are going to use the funds properly? They don't even know what money is.

It kills me that I think, like, to some people I'm a Whitaker, and you know that.

What are you talking about?

There's elite people. There's elite, elite people that would look at us as Whitakers.

Dude. No, for real, they would try, bro.

You're talking about like Palladians.

I'm telling you, dude, like you have to be like a fucking alien race.

Like Whitakers are fucked up, bro. Bro, I'm telling you, Timmy and Ray are jamming.

King Charles thinks we're Whitakers, dude.

King Charles has fat ass hands.

You ever see his pictures? Yes, he mocks. Fucking sick.

Does he really?

He's got venison hands, bro. He crushes my hands.

Really?

Like actual like looks like a Hamburger Helper.

Who— which one's Prince Charles?

Charlie Boy. He's the king, right?

Okay, he's the king. Got you. Not Edward. I'm thinking of Edward. No, who's the guy? Andrew. I'm thinking Andrew. Prince Andrew. Naughty boy.

He's a party boy.

What's up with him?

He just got— he got completely cut off.

Yeah, he was having sex with minors. Yeah, they were like, yeah, we gotta— you can't really fuck around.

He's out. He's out. He's out of the picture.

Tried to hit it. I don't sweat. Fucking excuse.

He was—

he was—

sweat's awesome.

Yeah, he was on his toes. He was on his toes.

I was at Pizza Palace all the time.

Also, to him, you got to think like how annoying that probably is, getting in trouble if you're a fucking royal. Like, that blows, dude. I get in trouble your whole life.

I was— I kept laughing when he was in jail for like 10 minutes. He's the first guy to get Prince Bussy. He's going to be nuts. Oh yeah, someone— he got right out. But dude, imagine, no one's touched— he's the first prince in jail since like 1100.

Like the Man in the Iron Mask.

But yeah, no, he, uh, I don't know, he honestly, for him though, hookers were like porn for him. Yeah, he would probably just be like, yeah, what, I'm bored of this kind of—

those dudes get to a level where it's like not even hookers. Yeah, yeah, it's like they don't even like hookers. They want ones that don't want it.

Yeah, and if they take it, yeah, if you fuck up, you see, you take it.

It's dark stuff.

Yeah, that's royalty, bro. That's what they're up to.

Yeah, nonsense. Yeah. So anyway, what else is going on? Yeah, show's gonna be crazy tomorrow.

That's all I'm thinking about. I can't think about a single other thing.

Yeah, you look like you just got back from Nam, bro.

You have no idea, Bill. I fucked up. This was a huge mistake.

I mean, how many nights would you have before the show?

How many beers will I have before this? This feels like a 4 or 5 one.

I think 4 or 5 to go out there, you're almost like 4 is Perfect.

That would be— yeah, this is how legends are made. 4 is a foot in each world. You have a foot in each world, you know.

10, 2 or 3. Yeah, this is gonna be 4 or 5. This feels like a 4 or 5.

Everyone be pumped up. They'll probably just be running on adrenaline.

Simple.

Just go out there and don't think about it.

My chest is tight.

Stay away from lasagna at night, dude. You gotta eat clean. Before the show.

Eat clean, watch your magnesium. That's fine. Watch the citrate, it's more physical symptoms.

It's like when you lost your vision at Matt's bachelor party.

It's gonna be up there.

Yeah, but if you come out and just shake up the butt and just go, the place is going to go nuts.

That'd be sick. That'd be a sick move, dude.

Do that.

That'd be nice.

I told you, I just got one move. I'm just gonna say boom boom boom.

This is why Kid Rock had fucking his boys.

Yeah, true.

That's what you need.

The what?

Who's Kid Rock's boy? JT or the midget? The midget. Yeah, yeah, true.

I forget his name.

It was JT.

Do we have any—

wasn't JT, uh, what was the midget's name?

That's gonna fuck— Jack Spade and FUBU.

Give him a shape up before we go out.

I gotta be on whatever Big Jay's on. He's, um, yeah, whatever he's on it. Uh, he's he doesn't care.

Oh, like, what's that? Robert Downey Jr. takes them like beta blockers.

Yeah, maybe he's on beta blockers.

I don't know how you would do that though.

I'm not gonna fucking risk that. I've never done that.

Well, apparently so.

I'm gonna try it there.

Yeah, yeah, that's the thing.

We both tried and true, a couple Bud Lights.

Yeah, that's a real beta blocker.

It should work.

Well, the beta blockers, they're saying they're the most widely prescribed thing in the world. Like, they're totally— I've had people pitch me on them and I'm like, nah, man, I don't want to do that. I'll— they're like, you literally can't freak out on them. Like, I will find a way, trust me.

So that's— I need to be able to freak out. I need to be able to be on stage fighting that, ride the lightning.

I think so too.

If I'm up there like, I don't give a fuck, I'm going to say the worst.

It's like your heart can't reach over a certain heart— like level of heartbeat. So if you're on them, it like—

sounds like psych meds.

It is.

They kind of are like light psych meds. You just can't— your heart just won't go that fast.

You did it on beta blockers, you probably hide hijack the big screen, put on YouTube.

That would be a sick fucking show. Check this out, he's my favorite YouTuber. 45-minute Midwest safety video, we're gonna watch it.

I mean, that would be kind of sick, honestly. I agree. What time do they kick everybody out? There's got to be like time.

Uh, I don't know. We'll be all right though. Yeah, with time, it's not that long of a show.

You ever see the House of the Holy cover for Led Zeppelin? Yeah, it's gonna look like that. Everyone's leaving, just crawling.

It's naked butts crawling up to pass out, right? Going to be crazy.

Passout rate's going to be out of control.

1 out of 100 pass out rate, I would say.

It's going to be so many people.

You got a— you got a, um, you be lucky if there's no death. You got a video on a fucking, uh, on the, on the crowd, cameras on the crowd, bro. That turns into Wing Bowl. You ever been to Wing Bowl? You have?

No, but like, did you watch—

did you watch the hot dog contest?

Never.

Oh really, dude?

I was just talking to Tom about Wings to Go. Their wing, they had like the sauce levels. It was, it was homicide, suicide, homicide, genocide. Yeah, that used to be Wings to Go.

So that's how we used to be able to talk, man. I know they took that away from us.

I know, you should be able to— like, I'll have a— let me throw some genocide, a dozen genocides, and a suicide just for me.

And they're surrounding my bunker.

Homicides and some suicides.

I put a cyanide cap in my dog's mouth. I say goodbye, Blondie.

Yes, they have the basketball coach. Like, guys, run some suicides.

Yeah, you know, well, you're not allowed to say that, and they don't, you know, gassers.

We ran gassers.

Never, um, have you like—

then you run a blitz.

True, for real.

It's crazy how many were. And if I think about it, yeah, all the sports, all roads, all roads. It's almost like we merged with them.

Yeah, libs. I've seen some, I've seen some libs hitting Sports Are Fascist.

Oh That's like one of the things, but not soccer.

It's like, no, that's fascist too. Oh really? Worrying about— you don't want to win. Winning is like— it's like sports should be about fun.

That's the hardest cope ever.

It's crazy.

I mean, the minute you get out there, sports are about fun, and then you get cut from the team and all the dudes that are on the team, they think sports is about winning.

Yeah, there's fucking jerks.

They're fascists.

And then fucking dumb girls keep fucking all the guys on the team.

Team. Fuck. Assholes. Fascist bitches. Fascist bitches. Fascist enablers. Don't they know they're fucking oppressed by the same system?

Kids don't even play Jackpot anymore.

What's Jackpot?

Like, you would— everyone at recess, one guy would throw the ball to the group of dudes, you'd be like, 500.

We played it. We played it at a beach trip.

Wait, now it's called— now it's just called Moss. So the minute you Moss someone, then you get the ball.

Wait, why can't you just call it Jackpot?

They just call it Moss. I don't know, I'm just saying times are Time's changed.

I've been seeing— yeah, Samira Cuero was the best.

Yeah, that was crazy.

But yeah, I see kids play Jackpot in the pool near my house.

Really? Yeah, Jackpot in the pool is so fun.

It's pretty awesome.

Wait, we're gonna do that soon.

Oh bro, I can't wait. I lost my wedding ring playing Jackpot last time at the beach. Just flew off my hand.

That was crazy. What did you roll with afterwards?

What do you mean, rubber?

Or didn't have one? I didn't have them for a while.

That's fucking so sick.

Yeah, didn't have one.

I don't give a fuck. Sometimes I don't wear it all day and I just go, I don't give a fuck, whatever happens happens. Whatever fucking happens happens.

Sick LARP for however long it goes on.

And honestly, I do feel weird without it on. I do feel kind of like free.

You feel like you're up to something.

I kind of do.

You're like Toby.

No, I am.

I— or I'll like forget it. I'll go, I'll leave for the weekend to do stand-up and I'll be on stage and I'll try to preface it. I'll be like, I'm not trying to get pussy, I just forgot my ring. And people are like, okay dude, how about you calm down? I'm like, just kidding guys, that was a funny joke.

It's clearly funny.

Geez, sorry Stardome, thought you guys had a fucking sense of humor. We were here in fucking Alabama.

That's the worst. The thing you're like, this will be funny, this is a personal thing about me right now. Yep. The crowd's just, ew, staring at you. Hey everyone, I just had diarrhea before I came out here.

Say the thing we want to hear.

Yeah, do Trump.

I had retired right now.

I had to, I had to retire, um, the eating babies joke. I had to retire it. People just don't want to eat babies. Yeah, I thought it was a poignant observation. Hit me with it.

The podcast?

No, no. Where?

The link.

Give me a little taste.

It absolutely ruins the vibe.

So here's the thing, here's the audience.

Okay, so I'm going out there, I go, hey, you know, blah blah, you know, fuck, whose birthday? Oh, fucking good for you, I don't give a fuck, whatever. Crushes every time. And then, and then I say, you know, I say, look, the world is kind of designed in like a scary fucked up way. And I say, hey, have you ever eaten veal? Veal. And they go— the crowd goes, yeah, I've eaten veal. You know what it is? You go, yeah, it's baby cow. Oh, it's kind of fucked up. And I go, you know, lamb. They go, oh yeah, baby sheep. Yeah. And I go, so you know what, if you were to eat a human being, who would be the most delicious option? And I start— and they go, oh no. I go, yeah, babies would be, according to nature, the way it's designed. Babies are the most delicious. No, I was like, if you think about it, it would be, you know, it's kind of fucked up to think about. It's kind of like you see their arm pop out of the lobster pot and you fucking— little pink little arm, you grab No, so they don't like that.

So I retired it.

I mean, I watched a video today, not to debunk your joke, but like I watched a video today in Uganda. There's a town of cannibalists that believe in wizards and cannibals, and they say that all humans, no matter what age, taste the same.

Really?

So debunked.

Maybe I can bring that to the stage.

You can bring that to the stage.

Say, guys, I'm just kidding, all humans taste equally delicious.

Because these guys in Uganda, they know.

Really? So you're saying a baby doesn't taste any better?

That can't be true.

They grow up learning.

I've seen a lot of people that would taste—

you don't think a baby's A5 Wagyu?

Talk to these guys in Uganda, dude.

They live in town.

It's called Rakele.

Rakele?

Yeah.

Taco Bell's end-of-life cows, allegedly.

Oh yeah, I heard about that.

They're great. Well, supposedly there's a diarrhea outbreak from—

and they're trying from Taco Bell.

No, no, they're trying to say breaking news. They're trying to say that they're, uh, their salad or whatever, like their lettuce and shit is is because there's Mexicans who are shitting on the crops. And then I looked into it, there was like videos from when Mexicans first came over here, and they're like, please shit anywhere but the crops. But they keep shitting on the crops when they're—

they're out there, they're out there in the woods, they're not going to walk back.

I know. So like, supposedly this outbreak is literally from Mexicans dumping on fucking crops. Have you ever driven through Yuma? No, obviously never took the 310. Me and Spade were on the 310.

What do you see? I see someone shitting on the crops.

There's a lettuce farms, dude, and it's all Mexicanos, the whole thing.

They're shitting on the lettuce out there.

I don't see a lot of poor lettuce, bro.

If you're out there, there's no way you're walking 3 miles back to a fucking shed.

We were in fucking Dade County.

Think about the heat and then the itching and the burning.

Yeah, it's probably liquid, bro.

Oh, when they first come here, do not even wipe right and have to work the rest of the day.

Dude, our diet wrecks fucking Mexicans when they first come here. The food crushes them. Yeah, I audibly witnessed a guy who had been here for 2 weeks, dump in. He worked in Tom's Taco Truck, and I took him into this like place in Drexel's campus, and I was like, yo, I was like, where's the bathroom? I peed. I'm like, it's right there. He's like, no, no, no, no, hit the toilet. It was like, it was crazy.

I was like, goddamn, he had a full understrap.

I sat on the outside of the stall, like, goddamn, Ramon, what the fuck is that?

Every summer we get the lads painting, they come over here, and you go, damn, that's what we're supposed to look like? They're all like Gaelic football players and shit. All warm-ups Adidas after like a summer, dude.

Oh, the Irish summer.

A summer of Wawa, bro. Done.

They're fried.

They're— they look like the rest of us.

They become white trash.

Yeah, a couple Haggies. Yeah, next thing you know, it's too addictive. You just go up to the screen.

Yeah, shit rocks.

Yeah, mac and cheese.

A mac and cheese for me.

Yeah, dude, we were in— we One, back in the day we would go to Florida for Easter and we were in Dade County. My dad got a haircut from like Dominicans in the hood. It was fucking crazy. Random haircut.

And then we're so nuts, dude.

We're going—

I got hit with that, bro.

We're going by like literally almost a plantation.

No need to do that.

My first special, I panicked the day before. Panic got ripped with a fucking nasty Dominican Caesar. Like, dude, the bangs— put oil in the bangs.

Dude, my dad— my dad went and was like, fuck yeah, that's a good haircut, Bill, let's go, I'm getting you a haircut. Brought me and got one. On our way back, yeah, pretty much.

And we all get the same haircut as our dad, by the way. All of us get the exact same haircut.

On the way home, we're going by like literally like an orange farm, and my dad is, oh, it's like, I'm gonna pull over. There's a Smashbox right there. It's 98 degrees, and he took him of shit in the fucking porta potty that was like, dude, it was probably breached. Like, I've been in fucking scrapyards before up in, uh, Absco, up in fucking North Philly, where there was a just a fucking abandoned porta potty next to the scale. And I was like, I gotta fucking piss, dude. And it was literally perfectly diamond up top and just dry. It didn't even smell out of water. There was no—

didn't even smell crazy.

It was so old.

It was just a breach.

It was like a riverbank on Mars.

Yes, breach.

It was fucking crazy. I walked in there, I was like, goddamn, that's crazy. And then I just fucking rolled.

Monza, you pee? Wait, did you reactivate? Did you pee on it?

I didn't fucking reactivate that, dude.

You gotta pee on it.

Where'd you pee?

I went under, under, uh, volcano. You didn't fucking pee in there, bro?

That's foul. You gotta pee on the breach, dude. It's the 8th grade science.

I would have got like fucking some disease, bro.

The Mummy's Curse.

Literally didn't smell. I swear to God.

Or is this a Mexican in there like this?

Did you ever see the Mexican aliens? They're like papier-mâché fucking 3-foot aliens.

That was great. Yeah, that came and went. There was no other words on that.

Yeah, like the Indian moon landing, also hilarious.

What was Indian moon landing?

Indian moon landing looks like a deleted scene. From the Star Wars graphics.

They're on the control panel, like, there is no bobs up there.

Bring it back.

There's zero bobs.

It's like 16-bit.

It's really— so yeah, it's Star Fox. Yeah, Star Fox through the space. It's crazy.

It really does look like an old video game. It's crazy they tried to pull that. Just like, dude, just don't go to space. You guys have fucking everything else.

You don't have the gear.

Space. Yeah, they— wait, so did they actually go? Do you think it's cap?

No, dude, there's no way.

True.

So they capped about the moon?

Yeah.

Oh, it's really beautiful. Oh, they're not lying, it's a very beautiful moon.

Yeah, very beautiful.

Yes, a very beautiful moon.

They are that fucking Houston, that call center must be nuts. Oh man, have you tried pressing this? Me this, I'll respond with a gift card. You give me $500, we have a problem.

Yeah, Bollywood Apollo 13.

They call Mission Control and every time it goes boop and they come up, hello, hello, sir. I'll tell you something, we're coming through the atmosphere, we're crashing. Calm down, buddy. Don't tell me to calm down, buddy.

Dude, I got hit with the Fuck you, buddy.

I'll fuck you.

The algo of dudes bothering 7-Eleven guys.

Have you been here?

It's rage bait. They rage bait the Indian bros. Oh God, Indian bros always go in the back, get the big stick, come out.

Now that you said that, I have seen those guys. Yeah, that's what you're going to go— you're seeing a guy walks into one of those, goes I go, don't do this.

So aggressive.

Don't do this.

Call 119.

Don't do this. He goes, I'm here to work for my— it's my first day. Don't do this.

Don't do this.

Who are you? Get 119 on him.

I watch that shit like—

they come in, they order an energy drink, they crack it open, they drink it, they go, I don't want this. Little rain bath.

Real quick rain bath.

It's in fun. So bad. It is me, it's me.

No, they deserve every ounce of it, dude. What? What?

They ruined my fucking phone. No, no, no, no, not the guys that work at 7-Eleven on the front fucking line.

Hurt people hurt people. No, they got me. They made me change my fucking phone number, dude. I was getting 130 calls a day. So much shit. We had to.

You were saying, can I talk to a white man?

Dude, that gets a man every time. I fucking did this, dude. They are fucking scamming out old people. I told Spade that before. He's like, why are you so mean to them? I'm like, bro, they're literally scamming old people. True. I have to. But they won the battle. I'm done, bro. They put their flag in my phone number.

Let's fire it back up. Fuck, I love fucking with those guys.

I used to call and they would say, what's your name? I'd be like, uh, it's a weird name. It's, uh, H-U-G-H, uh, and last name is J-A-N-U-S. Like Hugh Janus.

Fuck you, you bloody motherfucker.

You, Janus, would work every time. I love it.

Fire up the old phone.

Yeah, 6969 Ballsack Avenue.

That would get him.

There we go. Zip code, you just go 696969. That's rage bait.

No, the best is when you keep them all for 3 minutes, they go, okay, I'm ready to sign. Oh, and what is— so real quick before I do this, I'm gonna fuck your mom. Oh, fuck you, buddy. And I'm fucking my mom. Fuck you.

They were getting me for Matt having delinquent shit. And it was an old— I had Spade on the phone with me and she's like, where's your brother? I was like, I don't know. I don't know where the fuck he's at. I think he's dead. She's like, you ain't nothing but a little jitterbug. It was like some Southern—

we used to go to— we used to talk to them and then once they realized it was the both of us, they knew like something was up. So then it was just fucking—

it was mayhem. Call the cops. I don't give a fuck.

I'm gonna fire— I gotta fire back. I was just thinking about firing those guys back up because you can look up the numbers on right there.

Have fun with it.

They do.

Yeah, they do. It's a fun part of it.

I like to get them— if I get them—

most of their day is just hang up.

Yeah. Also, I got an inside track saying a lot of them are in recovery, so they're just in warehouses in Florida trying to like call heroin.

Who the fuck gets that job?

Well, yeah, you call them, you go, yo bro, thinking about using it? Get— they get fucked up.

That's fucked up.

I was—

hey, I was told by someone in recovery to hit them with that.

Yeah, I mean, they're, they're, they're—

might not be all the way recovered, huh?

They don't sit on the best of it.

Where are you going, Florida? How's you fucking clean, man? How many days you got?

Oh, fuck you, man. You might have fucking fucked up.

I'm not saying I put this off.

That's so evil.

I'm not saying I fucking—

I'm saying you can't do that.

That's zero gravity right now.

Don't budge.

I'm from the hood. I'm from the hood.

I'm not saying I use it. I'm saying if you get attacked, you can let it go. My bad, I mean to Wahlberg out on you guys.

You look like you're in zero G over there. He keeps floating up on You're the ISS.

Sorry, that's all right. Why is it happening?

I have no idea.

That's a technical issue, we'll work that out. We apologize, bro.

It took me a second to wrangle this thing, dude.

Sometimes it's not the wand, it's the wizard.

The wand picks the wizard.

Keeps trying to come over to me.

Fucking hilarious, dude.

I'm like, it's gonna be okay, bro.

Dude, do you ever think about going backwards out on stage?

You guys are absolutely fine. You're not bald, you're literally normal.

It's not fucking funny. Am I cooked?

You're undeniably masc, bro.

I'm chopped.

Your masc, bro, that's sick.

Forget your worries, we'll get a fucking double Sicilian pizza from Franco's with ricotta and sausage.

Ricotta, ricotta, ricotta.

Yo, cuz, you don't want to be Italian.

Imagine the chill afterwards. That's going to be nice. It's going to be the chill. Bam bam bam bam bam bam. It's gonna be the chill. It's gonna be nasty as fuck.

I got a feeling.

I mean, give yourself a high five, dude. It's gonna be—

my fucking mom's not even going.

Are you serious? She went on vacation.

She went on vacation.

Damn. It's funny because she definitely feels bad and she's sending me texts.

She's like, she probably didn't realize that it was a year away.

I told her this. No, she knew this was coming. She was like, I have to go to Europe, me and your aunt. Europe? We've planned it. We've planned this for so long.

She could literally go whenever she wants.

Just a week later.

Yeah.

Yeah. She's sending me texts. It's like, just know that my soul is with you. I'm like, Mom, you're on vacation.

My soul is—

that's really nice.

No, she's, she's at that age of like, she'll send me— I'm sure you guys do it too. The moms and dads got a hold of Instagram Reels.

Oh, it's crazy.

And I'm getting hit with like, my son is the most important thing to me, and I love to see him grow into the man he's become. Oh my God, respond with homeless.

Let me get some shades.

Respond with it.

No, I just— my mom didn't accept my fucking, uh, DMs for like a year. I was like, Mom, you have to accept it. She's like, oh, sorry.

Phil's on the reels. I called him last night. He was— Joan's gone, Phil's getting fucking hammered.

Oh yeah, normal. He's like keeping it clean.

No, he's still getting hammered, but this—

no, no, I'm talking about all the reels.

Oh, the reels? He— I think he's still normal. Okay, but he was in the night hostel, he was in the dark.

I mean, YouTube got me.

Called him in the dark, he was sitting in the dark looking at reels and scrolling, doom scrolling in the recliner. I was like, bro, what are you doing? He's like, nothing, just looking at the, uh, what's the thing, uh, the phone thing. I was like, Instagram? He's like, yeah.

I was like, dude, this is gonna be the last decade of probably like real weed.

Oh yeah, new weed. Oh, there's there was no sports last night. Yeah, normally he's on the sports.

Yeah, yeah, but sports is on Reels.

He's usually over there.

Oh, that's what he was watching. I was like, what are you watching? Reels is like, bro, he was watching Luke Keekly highlights.

Dude, if I go on, if I go on the internet, dude, it's like Caitlin Clark fighting. Yeah, LeBron, MJ fucking arguments, bro. Messi fucking— Ronaldo's out, but now it's like Messi stuff.

Like, you need to— I'll send you the Luke Keekly highlight video that Phil was watching. Oh yeah, it's— you're gonna go, damn, that's actually sick. Yeah, it's cool. You're watching— he was just watching a heady line back in. Yeah, just a white man playing football. Just a guy, he was calling plays before the offense, right? I mean, that's Phil's shit, right? He's drunk in a recliner at 11:30.

He's like, he is like Palpatine on the deck.

We rolled up there, he was just on the— was that when you with— he didn't know we were coming. Shit-faced. We got outside, he was like, oh hey, how are you guys? He thought he was alone there.

It looked like my Maverick rolled up on Iceman in the new Top Gun. He's just sitting in the chair like he's got—

he's got the glow of the TV on the porch. Just, yo Phil, what's going on? Like, oh Jesus, hey dude, you're fucking wasted. I'm not, a couple drinks. But no, he's been calling. He calls my assistant constantly for tickets. Oh yeah, all the— like dude, he's got like 40 tickets to this fucking thing. And it's people, it's just anybody. Yeah, it's like the bartender T-Bone down at the Elk's Lodge. Her— she was in a tough car accident.

Tough car accident. That's great. She's insane.

My son wants to come to the, uh—

I mean, it's happening to everybody.

It's— yeah, yeah, that's— dude, the, the list was—

everybody I ever met.

Yeah.

So I'm gonna get you box suites, dude. Now that you asked me, I'm gonna fucking get you backstage.

I hear him talking to my assistant asking for tickets, and I'll be like, put that on speaker. You're not getting fucking tickets, Phil. And he's like, goddamn it, Grace, don't fucking let him hear this. So I'm gonna need those tickets. He's getting the ticket. I say no to him every time. He's getting the tickets.

He's a power broker.

There's—

Phil has a section at the Link, dude.

Are you serious?

Yes.

And it's just random fucking people that probably don't give a fuck about me, right? It's probably, yeah, my son's down there if you want to go check him out.

Oh my God.

And then I go, oh, you're proud of me? He's like, I'm not fucking proud of you, Shane. I go, yeah, you are. You're wearing a tires hat. It's a nice hat, people like it. That is awesome. He's a fucking scumbag. Although he'll be excited my mom's not there.

Yeah, he's going to fucking let the hair down at this thing.

Is he getting the Kelly?

Yeah.

Do you have to be there in the morning and stuff?

I probably will. I'll get there pretty early, right? I'm going to sit in that the fucking Eagles locker room, walk around the length, like have a heart attack.

Like he owns it.

He can walk. Yeah, he's gonna walk. He's gonna be giving tours, dude. He'll be like, get over here, this is where they want.

He'll be— yeah. And then he'll be like, Shane, invite him into the green room, they want to meet you. Oh yeah, dude, I'm not— you bring in 10 people from the fucking Elks Club and then like every show I go, I go, those are my dad's friends. There's 6 fucking old Dudes in the corner.

Who was the kid that threw up that one time?

That was, uh, my cousin's nephew. It was like a distant relative showed up and was blacked out, ran to the bathroom, so they threw up everywhere throughout the building. Yeah, and then came back in.

I've done this crazy in my life.

I had a pile of McGoobies in Baltimore. That was legendary.

Take me back.

That was so fun. Everyone met their maker that night. No, I plowed through those.

Yeah, did you?

I was so drunk.

That was a big kahuna.

I barely forgot. I fuck— I didn't remember taking them except in the car ride home. I was like, I'm thinking weird. Yeah, my thoughts. Oh yeah, we were full of fucking banging on your door. I was like, I was—

I was like, dude, he ever— the whole squad fucking disintegrated. You were ground man, I'm pretty sure.

I was ground man, but I was heavily sunburnt. Sure. So I threw up in the Goobies fucking— I threw up in the Goobies fucking bathroom, and then we went back, and I just remember Spade and you were all fucked up. You looked at me like, holy shit, dude, you're sunburned. I was like, yeah, this hurts.

Yeah, it does rule.

That was me that night. I was— well, that was me right behind you. I was just sitting there.

Was that New Year's?

Hell no.

Why were we popping champagne?

It was Memorial Day weekend.

Popping bottles, eating mushrooms. Yeah, it was awesome.

We did it, boys.

Magoobies. That was—

that was livecast.

Oh, that's That's it.

Those things are—

they just destroy you.

They were—

the livecasts are some of the worst shows.

You show up and you have no plan, and there's a fucking live audience. You're like, I'm hitting the eject button and getting shit-faced on stage, and you just completely devolve on stage.

It's how legends are made.

It was pretty— it is pretty sick.

Awesome.

Yeah, that was—

got in that fight with a guy about Penn State at Helium. Epic. Guy had to get like carried out. He's trying to rush the stage to fight me.

Yeah, you were Were fucking saying something about that.

I remember that.

Wasn't that guy like hurt or something? Like, like mentally, he had like a brain injury.

I was fired up. He tried to rush the stage.

He was so angry. I forgot about that.

You could always do that shit I was telling you, Matt. Randomly go through people's algorithm up on the fucking screen.

He did.

We did.

I'm just saying, like, on next time you do a live, that would be fun. If you do a live fucking podcast.

Yeah, that'd be fun. Now, now we have showmanship truly under our belts. After tomorrow Tomorrow we can have— we can lead a circus.

ABC, if you got rides involved, we're gonna become Siegfried and Roy.

Is that what Bargatzi did? Bargatzi's doing the fucking, um, amusement park.

He's making an amusement park. Exactly. I'm gonna— I was fucking strongly considering getting wired up and launching out of the stadium at the end there, and I was like, really fast.

I think you deserve a bad top row. I think you deserve at least, if nothing else, one exotic animal in your house. Come on. I've been scheming on a backyard tortoise.

That'd be awesome.

That'd be sick having a tortoise in your backyard.

Yeah, shit would break.

Same. No, no, you gotta dig. You gotta dig your fence down. I really looked into it. You gotta dig like footers. Dig out, but it will trash your fucking garden. They're known as— they're known as bulldozer bulldozers. They'll bulldoze your entire garden.

That's awesome.

That'd be awesome, dude.

Fucking—

you need to get a mug Monkey, or what are they, Michael Jackson's monkey bubbles? I can't watch that video. That's the only thing I think about.

Well, you can start tortoise, you get a little guy, and it'll take a while for it to get big. So he's a little humble tortoise.

I think tortoises in Paris live like fucking long as shit. They live forever.

You'd have to put it in your will. Your tortoise would be in your will for sure. Yeah, they live long as hell.

No, I saw a thing I was watching. Um, the Saudis are building roller coasters right now. Really? And that you got to see this shit. We don't—

probably live leak fucking roller coaster park. Damn, dude, it's like decapitation all the time.

How's it looking?

It's fucking sick, dude. I want to— you, you brought up roller coasters. I was like, what?

Yeah, what is the latest on roller coaster technology?

It's in Saudi. That's what I'm saying.

They're, they're pretty great.

Are they really?

Yeah.

I haven't even thought about going on one ever since the little boy fucking got hurt on that slingshot one, bro. Yeah, that's the worst video I've seen in a while. Which one? Where the fucking thing shoots up in the air and it's coming back down. The fucking fat kid gets to the ground before it hits the cement and they all come down, but his shit didn't clip in. Yeah, so he got ejected out of the fucking thing.

Let me, let me rock that.

I'm no stranger to Busch Gardens.

All right, location 65.

Yeah, this is fucking Saudis, dude. They don't give a fuck. They have no right.

535 feet.

That's terrifying.

Come on. Total elevation change, 640 feet, 195 meters for you fucking dorks.

And then you're— it takes a while, dude, but 155 miles an hour. It's worth it.

This is terrible.

It's gonna be you.

Yo, hold on, let me see.

Let me— tomorrow, that's gonna be me trying to sleep tonight.

Let me see the drop. This is a drop. That's a drop. First drop. Oh, oh dude, we got it. We're taking the loop. Yo, okay, we're doing—

after that, you need to look up Williams Grove roller coaster.

You have a roller coaster?

There was, and it was— there was fucking nuts. Would never close, like nothing.

I bring back.

Nothing worked.

That's fucked.

It was fun. Damn, it was small as fuck, so it wasn't—

wouldn't we talk? Yeah, we talked.

Yeah, we shot anything. Um, I do actually have to—

yeah, let's rip it.

I have to go walk to the—

yeah, got to walk through.

I don't even— this will be a mistake looking at it.

No, it's going to be great. Hands behind your back, walk through. Go. Um, that— let's get a crane in here. We got to move that 4 feet to the left. You got to do one thing.

Do sound check. It's going to echo. I'm going to go, that's Fine, doesn't matter.

That's where you're going right now?

Yes.

Kill it.

Yeah, let me see that.

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