Transcript of Ep 632 - R.I.P. Andy (feat. Tim Butterly)

The Wild Wild West. I'm trying to think of like a disgusting sex act guys have to endure, but there's— we only have— we only have fun.

Period sex.

Period sex. I, I spoke to an older guy who was like kind of hyping himself on period sex, and it was kind of like, bro, that's a young man's game.

Well, he was like, I get down with that.

I don't give a fuck if they're on a period. It's like, dude, you're too old for that, man.

Does anyone still even hold that down anymore?

There was a guy— I did a show.

I mean, like, normal. This—

I found one guy who was like trying to hype it up. It's like, I think he was the same age as me, and it was like, bro, slow down.

Also, who cares? I don't think I've met a guy that's like, I won't do it if she's on her period.

I—

it's like, I'll— I just— I used to be— when I was younger, I was like, I don't give a fuck. Now I'm kind of like, I'll just wait. I'm 40, I know what it feels like. I can wait a couple days.

Period sex for me now, you'll wait?

It's on the table.

I'll wait, dude. I'm at the point now where it's like, I'll give it a couple days, man.

Just lay it down. You say, I will wait.

Yeah, I would wait. God forbid you see a clump.

Keep the lights off.

Get away from the clumps. The clumps.

Eddie Murphy.

I caught one of them boogers and I think I was like, I'm good on this. Got one of them boogers.

Yeah, you catch some of those, you gotta just not look. The worst is, yeah, you just finished, you go to the bathroom, you go, oh, you gotta go wash your sword.

Eyes closed all the way to the shower.

I wipe my sword in the grass. I gotta inspect. Gotta wipe my blade in the grass, clean it off.

My dagger. Uh, yeah, my tiny dagger. My boots.

I have my boot dagger, dude. Keeping a boot dagger is— that'd be sick. Next time I go to a wedding, I think I want to equip a boot dagger.

You're going to be a boot guy first. That's going to be crazy. That's going to be the weirder part.

It's Matt suddenly in boots. Tony's going to be jealous.

What about a boot?

I wear the boots around here.

What about belt buckle gun? That would be cool.

Belt, like you're talking about a teeny tiny gun, it goes boom. That'd be kind of nice.

I saw a guy at the bookstore, he was a raging lib and he was open carry.

What?

Yeah, him and his wife were clearly raging libs, still with the open carry.

That's interesting. Yeah, what were the telltale signs?

Uh, he was trans.

They were at a bookstore, they were at a bookstore. Uh, the wife, the wife was giving, giving big time libby.

Yeah, that makes sense.

She was slaying.

So he was strapped up?

Yeah, he was.

Yeah, that's it. That dude, if the libs go strapped, that would be so funny.

Libs are strapped up.

Back off, I have a firearm. Taking a 6-week course. If they get strapped, that's kind of tight.

They—

that's— they've been yapping about getting strapped for a while.

I think we're talking about a different type, different kind.

No, well, it's true. Well, the same, same exact crew. True. It was Strap Attack crew. Really? They're also getting guns.

You can't strap— I mean, we gotta stop owning. We can't just come out of the gate. We can't.

We gotta stop.

I'm gonna live now anyway, dude. I sat down with Hunter. I'm completely lived out. Yeah, I said, dude, Biden never traded a single stock in office.

I said we should have free healthcare. I'm gonna live now too. I fucking hate podcasts. You get drunk, you go, why don't we have free healthcare? People like, fuck you, you fucking bitch. All right, my bad. Yeah, I don't know anything.

That is, that is— well, that is a funny one to be like, fuck that. It's like, okay, sounds nice.

Yeah, the people holding it down for the insurance companies. Yeah.

Although my theory is our military, we need to have kind of like a dragon's den situation because if everyone had free healthcare, free college, you're not gonna be able to get some young boy into the fucking military. He's gonna go, bro, I'm chilling.

Yeah, Soviets did pretty good with it.

Oh yeah, true.

We got several million. China has— they're doing all right.

Yeah, true.

The rest of the country has it.

Aren't they forced though? They're forced. Okay, that's— that should be the thing. We have free healthcare for anyone who will volunteer. Fuck, that's just the military.

Damn it.

Why is this so hard?

Uh, I think after they fully block off, uh, porn sites, I think they can go, we'll let you in, you just have to do 18 months and one deployment.

You're saying you get You get one back. You gotta—

you get porn back if you join the military.

That's gonna be tough. You gotta do that fucking obstacle course. I agree.

I mean, that would be actually better than fucking going to XNXX. Yeah, true.

That's an option.

I already sold this. I already sold this stuff. I've been on this site for 6 months. I've seen this one before, dude. I was, uh, I witnessed some, uh, obstacle course action this weekend. I went to this place, it was like a ranch, like a only an hour and a half away, and they had an obstacle course on the water. And I think we could use some maybe obstacle course for more wipeout for them. I was watching some dads struggle on the obstacle course. I said, we might need to fucking— yeah, if you want to get Pornhub, save your ID, hit this inflatable obstacle course.

Yeah, I wouldn't even—

if just—

it was hard.

The thought of struggling on the obstacle course in front of families is like, I'll never go out there if there's a slight chance that I'll struggle on that. I'm not going, dude.

It was so hard.

I went up on, on Bert's tour I bit it. I was at the climbing up the slide. I fell, dude. I fell so hard. My foot got stuck on the wall. I hit my head. Oh, it was—

yeah, I'm not sure how cool would be to hit the top of the fucking, uh, rope net. You're standing on top of the deck and you're just like— and then they hand you a laptop.

That's probably so nice, dude. Laptop from hell.

Yeah, true. That'd be a good auction item.

Laptop from Hell.

I wonder, I should ask him if he ever got his dang laptop back.

True.

Didn't even think about it.

I would imagine at a certain point they're like, you're too busy hitting with softballs.

True.

I'm telling you, bro, the Biden gaze.

Home run derby, dude. They gotta hire you for home run derby. You can pitch those things all day.

The Biden gaze is undeniable. They're like vampires. He glamored me the whole time.

They'll glam you.

He hit me with the Delaware glamor. Also, I couldn't do politics right away. He's like, dude, we went to like— the high school he went to was rivals with the high school I went to. Right away he's like, that's so cool, you're in the same high school. I was like, we're basically brothers, dude. I could never be a politician.

That's how it works. There's a reason these guys are in politics. They're actually good at that.

Instantly disarmed me.

I was like, hug Governor Abbott. In my defense, I was blacked out. It was at the Red River Rivalry. Texas, Oklahoma. And I was trying to listen.

Also, what do you not—

I like leaned down and then I was like, you should give people weed. I don't even smoke weed. I was just fucking shit-faced.

I—

true, I didn't give him softballs. I gave him the hard-hitting truth.

That's where we differ.

I ran into Governor Abbott at Texas versus Oklahoma in the fourth quarter.

I was blacked out. Just what you do with weed and porn, man.

I'm just messing around. It's an honor to meet you, sir.

I think he actually— well, I think he actually stopped the first thing that was going to take the Farm Bill weed away. So he actually— I think, if I could be— I could be wrong, but I think he's— dude, he's got to be blessing Jah a little bit. Governor Abbott, he's in the wheelchair. Yeah, I think he's got to be blessing Jah. There's no big Rasta man vibe, dude. It's me, Greg Abbott, the big man.

In this dang wheelchair, we're gonna do a 360, man. You think he rips 360s?

Yeah, for sure. He definitely blazes out of a pretty choice bowl.

It's definitely a choice, dude.

He banned Delta 8. He hates Delta 8. He's the biggest stoner in Texas, Greg.

There's nugs. Do you think there's cherries?

He's caught with like alien posters on his laptop.

That's the laptop from hell, dude.

It's laptop—

the laptop from Spencer's.

You think he has secret blacklight posters in his office? Somebody's gonna come in, he's gonna be like, no, don't hit that switch!

Oh, as soon as he turns the lights out in the governor's office, he's like, me tired of all this foolish business, pass me me zong, man. It's a Z-shaped bong, it's short, hits hard as hell.

Do you think he has access to the hub?

You think he has Do you think?

Yeah, he has a red laptop in his office, only direct connection to Pornhub HQ.

He's able to click I am under 18, it sends him straight through. He's like, that's what power is.

I was talking to Gerby's about it. Obviously he submits, he submits the photo ID, bro.

I met one other person that did. That's crazy.

Of course, he's like, well, I don't even care about it. I just—

Rainey said he let it take the picture of his— you know, it does like the bio scan of your face. Never.

There's no way. No, you can't.

There's no way.

You can't, dude. With that lonely—

now the lonely gaze in your eyes.

Dude, it's embarrassing to do it when your iPhone— when you get a new iPhone and it's like scanning when you go left.

Yeah, yeah.

You imagine doing that for Pornhub?

Yeah. Also, they got you.

There's—

I, I—

they got you anyway. They got you.

You think they got you no matter what? For sure. You think that's— I wonder if the government for real has a file where they're like, who pulled up? And like, oh yeah, dude, it's you in a hotel room just like Yeah, they used to have to—

they used to have to build an island and bring kids. Now they just— they got you in your hotel room going, yeah, oh yeah, that—

I mean, it's also, you got to give the guy a hug. If you see abs, you got to be like, what's up?

I did hug him.

Yeah, that's crazy.

But I think I was for real leaning down to hear him. It was loud. It was at the Cotton Bowl, man.

It was—

so you leaned down to hear and he reached up?

I think I might have hugged him.

He wanted you to pick him up. We had had him on around.

We, we had been drinking since we left, and that was, that was a great trip. Lemaire didn't make the Sprinter. He was about 10 minutes late and just followed us in his car. Wait, was that— oh, he Ubered to Dallas.

Damn, you took the emperor ride right behind the Sprinter.

Right behind the Sprinter. That was our security detail.

You're the decoy.

Yeah, I fucking slept Too late.

You slept?

Yeah.

Oh, did you sleep in the Uber? I know you slept in that Uber.

I slept, uh, and I missed the Sprinter.

Yeah.

And you slept in the Uber?

Yeah.

And if you slept in the Uber, that means you farted in the Uber. Lemaire only farts when he sleeps, allegedly.

This is one of the biggest fucking horse feeds ever.

It's crazy, dude. I don't believe it. I don't think it's physically possible for you not to fart all day.

I don't know.

I had a pretty gassy day the other day, bro, but I had a milkshake though, so That usually—

I mean this as a friend— if they made a pharmaceutical commercial for not farting, you'd be the spokesman. They would film you walking around in the park like throwing frisbee, be like, now that I don't fart all the time.

I had a night last night, dude. I was farting. Oh my God, it was so— I had to— I was— whenever I try to get up and at least be a gentleman and go fart, like, I fart in our closet. I'll walk up and just rip in the closet. Come back out, fart in the closet.

Dude, what is going—

that's the craziest shit I've ever heard, dude, because they're so bad.

You walk into your clothes, I just go and fart on my clothes.

All my, like, my suits for weddings, I just fart on them.

How big is the closet?

It's like walking— it's like the size of this cat. It's just narrow. Well, it's like the size of that couch, a little wider.

Just rip in there though. They must echo.

Oh bro, they— hey, fuck, I don't even know. Because I'm like trying to, you know, look out. Because if it's— they're like room crushers. I'll have like 9 room crushers. So I'm like, I can't do 9 room crushers to the babe. So I'll hit it in the closet, chill, make sure it doesn't trail me, fart on my suits, and then I'll come back.

Do you— whenever do you go back in the closet?

Go, oh, oh, dude, there's some crushers lingering. Every now and again I go back, I admire my work. And then, and then every time, finally I lay down, I'm like, I'm not getting up again. And then I start the leak game where I'll start leaking under the blanket And then I'll be like, I think I'm safe, I think I'm safe.

You give it a little on your side to go—

I'll try to fan it a little. I'll take a sip, I'll go, oh boy, that's so fucking— that's a little bit of gouda under there. Enter the cheese cellar. I go, oh my God, strong pour. Goddamn.

She bitch about it?

I've—

when I—

I'll wake her up out of a dead sleep every now and then. She'll get a little cantankerous. She'll wake up and go, oh my God. And I go, sorry, baby.

Smell the sound.

Smell.

Oh, that's—

I'll be leaking them and she'll go to switch and then the blanket will rise.

I'd be so mad.

No.

Oh dude, she's right to be mad. If it's the sound, it's funny.

The sound is hilarious.

From the smell is fucking crazy.

I've done it a couple times.

Every time I walk into the room that my wife's in, in the house, I fart instantly. Yeah, pisses her off more than anything else that I do. She goes, why would you do that? And I got— I don't— I literally— I think it's when I'm around you, I fart.

Yeah, I just relax me.

I don't know, it's probably just because I've just gotten off the couch playing video games for like 2 and a half hours and my body's moving around for the first time. But I tell her, it's like, I see you and something happens inside my body when I lay down.

For real, if I lay down, I'm like, I'm clear out. As soon as I lay down, I'm like, instantly I have to fart. Something about me laying perpendicular, the bubble just goes straight out like a horse, just like a level, like a level. As soon as you move me, the bubble's like Yeah, I was farting big time. And it's like you think it's a favor, but there's something about just like, I can imagine I'm a girl and then the dude I'm married to walks away and you're like, I wonder where he's going.

You hear also, is it middle of the night?

It's like bedtime stuff. Okay, middle. Once she's asleep, I'm playing the blankie game. I'm like, all right, we're going to leak paranormal activity.

You're ripping the blankets.

We're going to leak these out under Hey everybody, pardon the interruption.

I'll be in Raleigh and Charleston, uh, next week, so please come if you can. Tickets are available at SeanGardini.com. I'll also be in Seattle and Portland in Optimum Noctis.

Thank you, thank you, guys. September 11th, this is big, I'll be doing stand-up in Portland, Maine. Uh, September 12th, uh, stand-up in Boston, Massachusetts. Then just going on down: Royal Oak, Michigan; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Charlotte, North Carolina; Jacksonville; Atlanta; Chattanooga; Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, Orlando, Newark, Baltimore, Columbus, Cincinnati, San Diego. I'm going crazy on them.

I'm, uh, I have nothing booked.

That's awesome.

Just ready for the freaking football season, chomping at the bit.

Shane, have you farted around any really important or famous people yet? Um, probably farted in Abbott's face.

That's so fucking funny, dude.

Hug fart would be crazy.

I don't, I don't know if I have ripped Too many. Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm sure because there hasn't been an occasion or because you're like, it's probably not a great idea.

There's never been a time where I was holding in a fart. I would never.

You gotta let them out. Holding in farts is crazy.

It's very feminine.

It is. I ripped— I went somewhere with a group of friends, farted so bad. I'm already getting the 30-degree for Brittany. We're in a concession line. I'm like, chill, chill, chill, chill. Our friends walk up like, goddamn, what stinks? And I was like, what the hell's going on here? I was looking at her like, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. You'll blow up my spot on a plane. Oh my God. As soon as she looks at me.

Yeah, funerals, dude. If you fart at a funeral, my wife's like, oh my God, did you fart?

That's worse.

Also, if I do fart and someone I know looks at me, I instantly laugh. I can't hold it in. We're on a plane. I did one that was for real offensive, and she looked at me and I was like, stop it, stop it. I started laughing. She's like, that's disgusting. It wasn't me. I know it was disgusting. Shut the fuck up.

As soon as she starts her shit, you gotta be like, sorry guys, my wife queefed really loud.

It's so gross.

Yeah, the move is going, oh my God, that smells like queef.

That's not even farts from a guy, it's clearly pussy.

It's a video of an Indian guy, Indian guy on a plane screaming. He's like, whoever's farting, I ran into the Indian buzzsaw last night.

Who?

Where there was a guy right before me at the bathroom, he was in there, he came out, it was an Indian fella, and boy, he lit it up. He did something special in there.

Oh my God, bathroom lines and gangbangs, that's a tough spot.

That's what they're behind. Yeah, guy did work.

The only time, uh, McIver's ever, uh, even like frowned at me in all the time that we've known each other was, uh, we We got to make commercials for GE silicone caulk. Yeah, like 11 years ago. And it filmed at this like production house in like upstate New York. And it was like it had pictures of all the famous things. It was the Schmitz Gay Beer commercial from Saturday Night Live.

That's awesome.

That house. And we're walking around and we're like just gawking at all the comedians and shit on the walls. And we're walking through one of the hallways upstairs and I let like a clapper go and there's a full production team and there's corporate there and there's people with clipboards. And I clapped one out. And I start like— and he turns around, he goes, do not do that again.

That's a good idea. Now calling it a clapper is— I'm gonna start being like, all right, scene 4, act 7.

Oh, that's another thing I get attacked for. Is I'll, you know, I give a little panache to my— I'll like lean a little bit or lift the legs. Like, why do you have to lift your leg?

Yeah, put some fucking tongue.

What are we talking about? Why do ponies trot?

Plunger on the end of the trumpet or whatever, you know, a little vibrato.

It's insane. I'm not gonna nutcracker a fart and stand perfectly. That's also offensive.

Oh yeah, that's what the O'Connell man does. O'Connell man's a freak.

He'll keep the bubble between his cheeks.

Yeah, he lets it come up the front.

Peeks by one ball.

That's the worst feeling ever. It's been a long time since I had one of those. That's a good—

yeah, it's like, that's when you fart in a pool, it comes up like, you fucking lift it. Oh, whoa, dude, I got a good look at goats. I forgot how large goats' nuts were. Yeah, goats have fucking— dude, I'm not lying, goat sacks are like that big. Fucking sick.

Yeah, it kind of ruins it.

It's fucking nuts.

Where were you?

I was at that, that ranch thing. We won a little ranch getaway for like a day and a half.

It was—

that place was so, so sick, so fun. We just got to feed animals, got to go in, feed goats, look at their giant balls. Dude, see this? When you see their balls, it's kind of fucked up. See that little mark right there on my shoe? Sorry, I can't— I don't have the ankle flex.

Yes, I see it.

That's a pig's kiss.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, a nice pig came fucking Hit a little thing on my shoe. I was like, dude, that's gonna make me happy every time I see that.

You ever see a video of the pig cumming on the motorcycle tire?

No, but I have seen it. I have seen a pig come on a ball in real life as a child.

A lot of times. It's a lot.

We had a pig in our backyard, dude. They come over everything. You know those balls you like jump on and bounce? We threw one in the pig pen and it would just fuck that ball and cum all over it, like constantly. I swear to God.

Jesus Christ. No, I believe you.

Yeah, I remember we gave it to my cousin. We're like, yo dude, bounce on this. And he bounced on the pig cum.

We're like That's—

dude, they are like the morning static on his head with it and just rub the cup in his hair. It was such a mean thing to do.

I saw a video that bothered me. Speaking of goat's balls, I don't like when you see animals, uh, dick and nuts. Uh, I was— there was a cute video of a very fat dachshund, very, very fat dachshund, but it was a female dachshund. It got so fat that it had like a Pussy. It was disgusting.

Had a little pudding in his pants.

It was a full-on— it was like laying on its stomach. Yo, it was so— everything was so swelled up that it looked like a fat dog pussy.

It had a—

it looked like it somehow got an old woman's vagina slapped on the back of a dachshund. The ultimate flashlight.

It might have pumped it.

It really took me out of the video. I was like, this is a heartwarming video, and you see it lay on its stomach. God, the fuck? A 75-year-old woman's vagina on a dachshund just laying on his side. Yeah, trust me, dude, you see that dachshund, you're gonna go, whoa, whoa.

That would throw— yeah, you're trying to— you're— it's funny because you're like on online trying to do the wholesome thing. I was trying to do the wholesome thing, and all of a sudden, God, that dog's got a fat pussy.

The dog's pussy was crazy. Through the whole fucking day off, you're in your bed just going—

I'm telling you, I believe you. I was looking at all— I was looking at all kinds of shit this weekend, dude. All kinds of dicks and balls on animals. It's all kangaroos, by the way. Not take, bro. They don't do anything.

Yeah, they lay on their side. It's fun to look at them.

I want to see them jump. If I personally— if I had a little thing with animals, I would have the kangaroos like— I would give them meth.

So they were in Australia. That was fun.

They were—

I liked seeing the guys lay around.

They were lazing. I want to see them jump. No one see a kangaroo lay down. Yeah, be honest, I swear I thought it was a rabbit. I drove by, I'm like, oh fuck, they got rabbits there. Came back and I said, oh, it's a kangaroo.

You just squared up with crazy. I don't get it moving.

I should have got against the fence.

Yeah, that rabbit's huge.

I just saw the ears.

That rabbit's 6'5".

Rabbit's standing up looking at me. Not goats. I hold it down. Goats are the number one farm, in my opinion.

Goats rule.

Goats are the number one farm animal.

Did you get to try to scare them? That's—

they're not— not— Nate, I told you this, not every goat is the fucking fainting goat.

I just— I just get excited when I hear about that.

Is—

but no, these— most goats, if you try, you just weren't scary enough. What are you talking about, dude?

Did you even try?

No, I didn't try to scare the goats. Why be crazy to try to scare them, dude?

It's the whole thing. It's the whole reason they're around. You can't— we don't eat them or anything.

I was in the— I was, I was in a pen with rams. Rams are in there. Look, everyone wants to talk tough until you're actually on the ranch. A ram would fuck you up if a ram thought you were trying to make its goat— they'd be like, first of all, we're not fainting goats. That's, that's offensive. Like, we're not fucking fainting goats. They're like the you-know-what of goats. They're gonna be like, bro, the fuck? We'll let you pet us. You think? I'm not sure I know what. It was just not nice thing.

I don't either.

The retarded word.

You can say it.

It's funny you're saying the retarded word. Trying to do my family-friendly shit, dude. True, bro. We didn't— we didn't put it online. We're not the Larry— we're not the fucking pornography. Looking at a wiener dog, you got a whole pussy. Looking at wiener dogs for a reason. I'm on my phallic-shaped dog tip.

Yeah, I do like phallic-shaped dogs.

Yeah, corgis, dachshunds, corgis. Yeah, corgis are awesome. Yeah, there's— that's a whole— for real, that's a whole algorithm. We stumbled upon it. The wiener dog algorithm. The first time, right, right. Algorithm show.

I've been in it for a long time.

Didn't know it was a thing.

It's fucking wild. Yeah, it makes me want to get a dachshund.

Yeah, that'd be nice. Dogs would be good. I had the pleasure of hanging out with some Pyrenees this weekend. They're a good dog.

It's an enjoyable dog.

Yeah, Great Pyrenees. Big white—

fine canine.

It's a very fine— they're guard dogs. Yeah, they're guarding the ranch.

You already got one.

Hmm, you already got a guard dog.

I need another guard dog here though. True. LeMar's sleeping. He's not a good security detail. Not good security.

I'm good security, dude.

Oh, you're not. I sneak up on you every day, every single day.

There's a fainting goat.

He's crazy. If you changed nothing about LeMar but made him 6 inches taller, he'd be terrifying.

True. But as it stands, he's like a bouncer in a plastic egg. You gotta put him in water.

Yeah, it's a Russian nesting doll. The bigger one's out there somewhere.

I can get some lifts, dude. I can get lifts.

You should. That'd be sick. Height surgery, you recover for 6 months and then the casino come out. You're 5 foot 10.

You want to tank in the pool house?

Yes.

You could just lay in goo for 6 months.

You never run or jump ever again, but it's worth it. You should get a fucking nuts dog. You should get a nuts dog and then just have like a full-time dog handler that speaks German to them. The real like police dogs.

What about an exotic big cat?

I would, I would enjoy that.

That'd be way better.

Yeah, but it might not be loyal to you. Someone might attack you. It might be like, whatever.

Although it would probably just attack whoever's in the house.

Yeah, I was about to say almost all the times.

I was about to say, yeah, that could, that could get me moving a little. Oh yeah, nice. No more video games, no more MLB The Show.

You have an apex predator.

There's a lion here. No, yeah, a jaguar would be sick.

Jag would be nice.

Yeah, I could be like Indian guys, you know, when they run through the village, they're just kind of fucking— they kind of just wrap you up and they keep running.

Bears on the roof of the pool house.

Yeah, with a stick.

Yeah, declawed, declawed like jaguar would be nice just to scare an intruder. Then you just shoot them in the face. Yeah, last thing they see is just a fucking gigantic cat, a jaguar, and a guy with an Eagle's gun. I didn't think anyone would come out from behind these soundproof curtains with your boot knife.

You go, you fucked up, I've been waiting for you.

Yeah, that's, uh, I want to get mountain lions. That's my next dog.

That'd be cool.

That'd be really tight. They're— dude, they can literally— they could jump that fence.

You got to get them some teeth, metal implants. Yeah, for sure.

I heard— I don't know how true this is— I heard there's military dolphins.

Yeah, they've been trying. Yeah, everybody's been trying for a while.

Apparently the Russia— is this from YouTube? Russians had them, I think. I mean, if you could train a dog, why not a dolphin?

Yeah, they, they train them to get like mines. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do they do? They like blow themselves up on the mine?

Probably, probably. Sadly, yeah. Or they find them and come back.

You see the tank dogs they used to have?

No.

Pretty cool. They put a bomb on the back of a dog and they train it to run under tanks.

Yeah, kind of dogs they rock.

I think at that point they're going whatever dog we get.

Yeah, Drew, beagles. Beagles are the number one bomb dog. Experimenting.

Yeah, beagle. Uh, and then there was a story where the Germans tried to teach— you know how they were always doing dumb experiments? They were like trying to teach dogs how to talk.

Really?

Which is a very funny experiment.

That is kind of funny.

Like, they're evil geniuses. Like, brother, Dumb as fuck.

They were really fucking around a lot considering how much they had. I mean, they had a pretty serious heaping on their plates already.

Yeah, they were— they had a lot to do. And then they were like, we need to also teach dogs how to speak.

That's that darn meth.

That is meth.

That is that darn meth.

You ever see the dogs? All right, you press a button for a different word.

I think those are all fake.

Yeah, they're probably fake.

Yeah, there's claims though that there's people claiming to be using AI to like once and for all be able to talk to dogs. So same thing, it's probably just Adderall. I'm sorry, I'm sure I can figure this out.

I can speak to dogs. They're probably not saying much.

Yeah, he wants a snack again.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you believe our level of communication? This is unbelievable. He wants to go to sleep.

Yeah, some fucking bull, bro. I was on my— I was a full mommy sleuth this weekend. I watched that whole debate. The Candace Owens versus—

who was she debating?

Andrew Wilson. From— so it was basically— and again, it's who knows the real details, but it very much seemed like TPUSA was like, bruh, make her stop. Which again, apparently is not the thing, but it was— she's been, you know, on her thing about she thinks, who knows, killed Charlie Kirk. And, uh, Andrew Wilson was, uh, defending the official narrative. And, uh, he didn't win. A lot of people are now— a lot of people are claiming it was like an egregious loss. I'll be honest, I was too dumb to follow. I was just following it like whoever had more style would win to me. If you had like a nicer dig, I was like, win, you got it. But she, she beat him on the, uh— I think the real thing that got it was she was like, okay, so she like went and kind of all the evidence the state was providing, she kind of gave like, I would say, decent counterarguments. And then she was like, name one of the charges you think he's actually guilty of. And he was like, she's like, do you know the charges? He goes, I know the charges.

She was like, name one. He goes, name all 7. How about that? She was like, I will name one. He was like, I mean, this is just ridiculous. He didn't know any of the action. And the thing he goes, all right, murder. How about that? And she was like, it's actually aggravated murder. He goes, same thing. She goes, no, it's a huge difference. And dude, it sucked. It was hard to watch. It was nice. The reversal was like, name all 7 and I'll name one. It's like nice older brother trick.

Also, she's definitely going to name all 7.

That she asked the question for a reason.

Studying like crazy, bro.

She— and the funny thing was her time was done, so it was just his turn to ask questions. She goes, can I ask one more question? At first he was like, no, you can't. Then eventually they came back. She's like, let me ask you something. Let's go ahead, bro.

It's—

it was, it was, uh, I don't know, it's such a funny thing because both are like, well, none of us know for certain. It's like, how the fuck do you win a debate about it? But you know, it was, uh—

do you ever want to get into the debate circle? These guys are debating each other, throwing it down all the time and challenging each other to debates.

That one definitely wants to be—

I want to do it. So it's my favorite.

You got to get into it.

My— the thing is, God bless you.

Thank you, guys.

Thing is, I'm not a big fact guy, so it's like, I don't like memorizing facts and stuff.

Facts don't care.

You really don't need to know any facts. You have to say stuff like good faith and positive evidence, and you just— there's a couple of buzzwords you need.

I hate the buzzwords.

It's like karate moves. They all have a name.

That's a logical fallacy. That's actually a good faith pro bono. Yeah, yeah, the fucking buzzwords are so funny when they try to hit each other and like, that's actually not a buzzword war. Double straw man, you know.

And I think you'd, you'd crush. You're impossible to pin down.

Yeah, well, I, I fantasize about the debate, the debate sphere a lot.

You gotta get in.

I wanna, I wanna jump right into a 20v1, to be honest.

You wanna do a surrounded?

Oh, I wanna get surrounded.

Do you have a topic that you'd like to try on the libs or the— I don't know.

That's the thing.

Would you go libs? That seems like an easy— like a beginner.

Yeah, I want to go girls.

One strong black conservative versus 20 female libs.

That would be nice. 20 female libs versus— I would say, I would argue as their father what they should do with their life.

20 daughters versus one dad.

There's one girl dad.

Yeah. What are you doing? Oh, come on. Not this again. Yeah, dude, you're going to get killed. No, dude.

$20 versus one dad.

I would, bro.

I would smash it. You'd end up crying.

No, I would. I would eventually.

So sweet.

And it makes me think of my daughter. Third argument. Like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's not what I meant.

They'd all cry. You'd have 20 girls crying around you.

Lose right away.

Yeah. You go, I'm so sorry, everybody.

I would raise my red flag. I lost.

No way. There's like a weaponized disappointment you can hit them with, though. That non-girl dads don't know about.

True.

It's worse than hitting them.

True.

Although a lot of these girls seem like they're kind of beyond that.

No, I think it's in there, guys.

Time for a quick break from the show for a special segment called More or Less Football Preseason Edition. Wow, that's what this is.

Yeah, this is good stuff.

Football is finally back, and prize— I wish you hit that lady. Well, you know what I mean, the dump, not the—

yeah, yeah, not hit a lady.

Uh, football is finally back and PrizePicks bringing out their best offer yet. New users who sign up will get $150 in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. That's right, if you win your first $5 lineup, you'll get $150 in lineups. And now PrizePicks is available nationwide. So this is what we're thinking for picks this season.

Matt, what you on?

Matt, what storyline? What you on? What storyline are you thinking about this year?

This storyline?

What storyline in football are you thinking about?

Oh, I'm really thinking about the Browns. That's the big storyline.

You're thinking more or less on Shador Sanders?

Mm-hmm. I'm thinking more on that. Well, yeah, maybe. Yeah, that's the storyline. That's what— that's my pick. I'm saying that's what I'm doing.

I like that.

More, more or less. Whole season?

Just the preseason game.

That's what you're doing.

That's what you're doing.

That's what you're on.

So you're saying more?

I'm saying more.

You're saying mo?

I said mo.

Uh, Stack September, let's go. Crazy football deals, giving users new promos every day during Stack September.

Okay, so now it's time to lock in your picks.

Picks. Download the app today and use code DRENCH to get $150 instantly in lineups to win your first $5 lineup. That's code DRENCH to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. PrizePicks, run your game, run your game, dude.

Your groundskeeper's getting so close right now, it's crazy.

He's fired up. He's just collecting a check. There's nothing to do out there, dude.

They're here, they're here 7 days a week.

They're here every fucking 10 minutes.

There's nothing Yeah, although they're mulching.

I did see the mulch.

That's fired up.

Nobody tells me what anyone's doing because it's not my house.

Did they scrape off the mulch that was there before? That's the question.

I don't care.

I could care less. Piled on top?

I could care less.

I might get out there and start screaming.

We can do a little 20v1 right now. You're gonna have to—

I have, I have an even sweeter spot for the lads. I love— I love the lads, I'll be honest.

We are a very lad-friendly pod.

Hey man, I just want to be— I just got to be honest, I fucking love those guys.

Nothing wrong with it.

Love the lads. Every job I ever had, I mean, dude, so much fun with them.

I've gotten it. I've gotten to see Matt firsthand drop into the, uh, job site and demand answers.

When was the job site? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yep. Motherwearers.

Paperwork got mixed up and it's like, this has to be someone's responsibility.

With a button-down?

No, no, I enter no PPP, no PPE.

You got to do it, dude. Hard hat, that's true. Hard hat, button-down khakis.

You know, you know what the real move is? You put it on in your truck before you get out so you're not in any violation. You pop out already with the PPP on or the PPE.

It's the only thing that lads truly respect. No, they see the button-down khakis, hard hat, they go, oh, get up.

The white— I gotta get a white hat from the Chubb Institute. Commercials, the boss. No, you get out. I know, again, I know butterly saw, I mean, you know, I know just enough terms to be able to be like, all right, what are we doing?

We play Trump.

True.

Very, very true.

Very Trump. Yeah, we'll just flare those out. Yeah, we'll flat whatever that word is. But yeah, no, I had to go down and fucking, you know, I'm learning, I'm learning more and more. The warehouse is in full effect.

I like that. That's how Trump operates. I just saw a video of him describing the granite they laid down in the White House. And he was— you could tell that somebody just told him what it was. Yeah, and his, his history facts, it's very nice.

Italian with marble. Yo, marble, it's porous, man. Yeah, you don't want marble. It looks, sounds nice, but that's a— that's gonna be a bitch.

Have you seen what he's doing to people? His history facts? No, like he had like the Japanese Prime Minister, oh, talk about the surprise attack on Iran. He's like, you guys know about surprise attacks?

Pearl Harbor.

Why don't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? He's Germany's Chancellor in there. He's like, D-Day, we're celebrating D-Day. That was not a good day for you.

And the guy's like, no one No, it wasn't.

Actually, yes, it was. Actually, it was good. I didn't mean to say it was not.

It's also funny to be committing things now and be like, oh, you guys remember fucking 90 years ago?

Should have told me about Pearl Harbor.

That's also— you know who's in his ear about that? That's all— that's the handiwork of Betty Netanyahu being like, oh, you guys invaded the Middle East. We can't do a little Middle East invasion? Come on. You guys did it. It's like, yeah, it was like a fucking bad thing. Come on.

Yeah, it was bad.

All right, well, let us do— we'll say this was a bad thing in 25 years. And you know, that was funny to be like, you guys here have no right to talk about Middle East invasions.

It's like, we know it, we know it, we did it.

We know, 20 long years. Yes. You know, Biden's the one who ended that whole thing, pulled out every game of shit, pulling out.

Absolute disastrous pullout game. The Biden pullout game is terrible.

You have to admit how hard Hunter rides for his— he's just like, bro, yeah, obviously we got shit for it, but we wanted to end the war more than anyone. You're like, goddamn, you're right. Fuck, I was under the Biden spell.

There's nothing wrong with being under the spell, but the pullout game was—

pullout game was crazy.

Guys hanging on to the fucking plane.

They pulled out mid-nut. They were like, this is the worst, bro. Just leave it in, man.

It's one of the worst pullouts of all time.

A little bit of Joe comes out in Hunter, dude, when he's talking about smoking crack though.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, I'm smoking smoking crack.

It's like, I'm open about it, come on. I was a crackhead.

That's my favorite.

That's the only thing I like about him now, smoking crack.

He probably started like a fool in that crack pipe.

I don't know, what if he was—

everyone that's—

people that recover from crack, they all talk about how elite they felt while they were smoking crack.

Tell you what ticks me off listening to him when he's talking about— he's like, alcohol is worse. It's like No, it ain't, brother. Trust me, it's not, dude. He's like, alcohol is way worse than crack, just so everybody knows.

He's saying from like a physiological standpoint.

Yeah, it's a cope. It's a complete cope.

Cope for the crack.

Yeah, to be like, yeah, the crack, but you guys drink fucking alcohol, that's crazy.

True.

Yeah, no, it's not.

That was like, I think Trainspotting or one of those movies did that where they had like, they would cut to all the guys getting drunk, kind of like, yeah, it's the same thing.

Yeah, I mean, the only reason it's bad is because it leads you to smoke crack.

True.

I bet you smoking crack with your boys feels 100 times cooler than drinking with them.

For sure. Yeah, undeniably.

Uh, drink with your boys rocks.

There's no denying it.

Crack, I'm not— I would never—

but now the, the next day, the crack— yeah, well, that's 3 days later. Next day, 4-day crack. Gotta be bad for sure.

Yeah, no, that's definitely tough.

But while you're falling out, does probably rock for sure.

100%. It's probably amazing. That's what I— that's kind of like unanimously everyone's like, no, crack definitely rocks. Let's not get it.

Same thing with heroin. Same thing with all that heroin.

Probably don't rock heroin though. I think there's a huge chance you puke that first time. Which again, you're with the bro, you're on heroin. I fucking puke too. Yeah, yeah, bro.

He's leaf blowing and there's no empty dry concrete slabs, dude.

There's probably some fucking pine needles and shit. Also, here's the thing, guys, I'm going to tell you, when you're leaf blowing, you kick debris every which way, so he's doing the right thing, he's covering the perimeter. Thanks. So what you got, that backpack? I think it's nice. Yo, here he is, get him in the chat.

Looks like Raiden.

Yes, dude, that's kind of like— I don't like— drive you mad when you're leaf blowing, you're always making more of a mess, so you eventually got to call it. It's probably— dude, if I were him, I No one's looking. I had to go right into that pool, let the filter take care of the pool guy's problem.

Pool guy who was just here again, flicks it onto the windows.

It's the window guy's problem.

They're probably trying to get you to fuck them.

They're here every 10 minutes.

Pool boy's probably all slutty out there.

Last time they brought 3. 3. There was 2 guys and a girl out there. The pool is— pool girl, girl's 10 feet long. Pool's a puddle. It's 10 feet long and 3 feet deep. 3, 3 people out there is crazy.

3-person squad's nuts, dude.

I think they wanted to— yeah, they did.

Yeah, the last couple girls, they brought the girls an offering. Pool girls, they'll invite us to stay, maybe we'll open a couple beers. Nah, pool girl, that's an asset, dude. Hit you with the pool girls, crazy. First of all, no such thing. That's crazy, dude.

Yeah, they came here last time. You guys were outside smoking doobies.

You saw the pool girl?

They think it's a good time over here. Yeah, they bring all their buddies over. They go— they could be out there smoking doobies smoking junk with the fellas. They go, holy shit, Optimum Noctis is there! And the girl at the pool house was like, oh my God, I gotta meet Gardini.

The biggest— the best hang.

Yeah, number one hang.

Number one hang in the Creek and Cave.

Number one hang.

Congratulations.

It's official. I'm surprised you guys got that because I hear nothing but— almost nothing but negative reports.

We were surprised too. I think it might have been some kind of sick joke.

I don't think it is. I think you guys are just— you're so depressed all the time about it. You know, everyone hates us. The Creek hates us. Everyone hates us. You got a trophy for best fucking guys to hang out with.

Best green room hang. Yeah, in Austin, Texas. Optimum Noctis. I presented the award to the boys.

How does somebody—

did—

how does Tommy feel? Tommy was up for that award.

I don't think he know— he won another award. He won the Best Philly Transplant Award.

Best Philly Transplant. Yeah, Tommy Pope.

He wasn't there to accept it though.

This is outrageous.

Yeah, we can pause if you want to.

Wait, Tommy was up for the best hang?

Best green room hang.

Half these guys are probably fucking leaf blown right now. They're not even noticing.

True, true.

It's also a nice— it's also a nice— I don't know, I think it's a nice little—

yeah, ground sound bed.

Yeah, some ambient I mean, I don't know.

I am having trouble hearing you though.

Oh my bad. Oh yeah, it's right in your ears. That stuff's music to my ears, man. A little two-stroke, little two-stroke engine.

I know, man. I know.

I'm hoping that's a two-stroke. If I'm wrong on that, I'm gonna be a bitch. A little two-stroke, man. A little mixed fuel. Sounds like some mixed fuel burning over there. Did you ever put the mix— did you ever fuck up the gas and put the wrong shit in?

Yeah.

No.

Dude, I put— I put— I think it was me or somebody put regular gasoline into a weed whacker. And my dad and my uncle probably launched— dude, they were so into, uh, siphoning gas. So you would blow a thing and then you would go— it would come— and my uncle— I remember my uncle goes, god damn it, spits gas out of his mouth. I'm like, dude, what? Come on, man, dump it out, man. You don't gotta do all that. It is— it's hardo shit. Be like, god damn it. He was siphoning gas constantly and just spit out a mouthful of gas. I was like, dude, True.

Don't worry, fellas, I'll suck it out of there. Oh, it's in my mouth. Ew. I know some fellas around here that would swallow it, but I'm not allowed to make fun jokes anymore.

Really?

I promise, no gay jokes. Ah, what?

What?

Nothing, nothing. Fair. That's an OL.

That's an OL.

It's graduated from PAs to OLs.

True.

That's how it goes.

That's how it goes.

No, no, no, it's not an OL. It's not an OL.

It's just a bit of an OL.

It's only— it was only an OL because— all right, now we know.

We don't have to.

Well, now it sounds like I begged you to.

We can edit this right out.

I'm not editing it out.

He's turning on you.

The Knox boys, it was the best hangout.

It was, it was not What happened?

It's just— oh yes, speaking of, we can just go straight into joke world. How was it, guys? Host world.

I had a great time.

Yeah, I had fun too.

I heard, I heard somebody was a little grumpy, no-show.

Uh, well, Mr.

Lover Lover.

Yeah, Mr. Yeah, Mr. Lover Lover. You didn't go?

I wasn't grumpy, I was just a little sick, you know.

You're under the weather.

Huh?

You brought influenza to host world.

Yeah, and I had to— I dipped. I wasn't hanging too much, you know.

Really?

True.

You keep its arrow right in his hiney. Yeah, so what happened? Give me the rundown at joke world.

The funny thing that I wanted to bring up was LeVar tried to get us all to go in on an Airbnb.

I remember that.

But he didn't mention why. And then it turns out he's bringing a lady. Yeah, he just wanted us all to pay for the Airbnb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's bringing you to girlfriend hell.

You brought a girlfriend to jump rope.

That's not what happened. I've been trying for months.

That's when it becomes serious world.

Yeah, fight world.

It was not so funny world.

I've been trying for months to get them an Airbnb with me because I was like, yo guys, let's do this Airbnb thing because this hotel is going to stink.

Yep.

Everyone's just going to be next to each other.

Hit him with the Airbnb. Yeah.

And then, and then I tried for like 2 weeks and everybody was like, no. And I was like, all right, I'm doing it.

And you got an Airbnb for you and your babe?

Yeah.

And they weren't allowed.

You guys worked out for Gardini or whoever your roommate was to share a room with Lemaire?

Yeah, they were bunked up. Yeah, you gotta share with somebody.

You got your own pro— who was in your quarters?

Andy.

Uh, Andy Malafreda. We had a great time.

We just kept—

we would get McDonald's at the end of the night and black out. We thought we were gonna keep each other up with our sleep apnea, but don't even remember falling asleep tonight.

Yeah, dude, you don't even know. You don't even know what happened.

I heard— well, exactly. I heard, uh, you said— I heard, uh, Joke Road was a hoot though.

Really?

Yeah, you have a hoot.

I got my own hotel room. Oh, but that was because they, they like assigned us buddies. It was all double hotel rooms. And, uh, when I found that out, I was like, oh man, that might stink. And then I found out that my partner was Tommy, and, uh, I, I hit up Tommy. I was like, yo dude, we were bunking together. And, uh, and then I got a follow-up email saying that I got my own room. So Tommy complained. Tommy didn't respond to me and then complained to the festival. I was like, bro, we're gonna hang out so much.

That's in his eyebrows.

I'm so excited. That's so lonely in my room all weekend.

That was masterful, honestly.

Good for him.

What the fuck? Fucking bullshit. I mean, that's fair, I guess. Absolutely.

Yeah, I was so down in the dumps about it.

Really? No, that's such a—

I was like, dude, we could watch cool videos, we could bring beers back. And then I ate 12 chocolate chip cookies by myself in bed and got diarrhea at the festival. I need someone there to stop me.

Crazy. Wasn't I begging you to buy those cookies? Wasn't that—

No, you were begging me to share them with you and I said no thank you. They were overpriced hotel cookies and I gave myself—

That's when the party starts, you bring the cookies back to the fucking 4-man hotel room.

I've hit the dates, dude. I'm not, I'm not proud. I'm not too proud to admit I've gone in on some dates at a hotel.

For sure.

Yeah, there was 100.

What happened? He's in the house, he literally is blowing the front door. So what happened at the festival?

Just got, got hammered.

We'll take a leaf blower break.

I mean, we had a good time, we had a nice time at the festival. Uh, I don't know, I don't, I, I just got drunk.

You guys are married?

You just had a marriage? But the girlfriend in the Airbnb bothered you a little? Uh, no, not seeing Lamar made me a little sad, but the girl from Airbnb didn't bother me.

Oh, I was just worried I was— he was trying to bamboozle us. And, and then I, I don't think Lamar would bamboozle you. I believe your explanation.

How was the experience?

I'm sorry for putting you on blast.

They're being— yeah, it was funny. It's a funny thing. How was the experience from your perspective? These guys were pure fucking infantry. Yeah, down there farting, blacking out.

Yeah.

What were you—

what were you doing?

Just like going out to restaurants and shit?

No, I was just laying down a lot, just sleeping.

That's the number one babe move. Let's go out to eat before the show. It's like, no, okay, yeah, no, yeah, not now. Hey, here's 4 people I met in college once, let's go out to eat with them before the show.

So how'd you get into stand-up? I have a show. I have a very important show.

You're gonna have a sugary daiquiri right before— come on, drink one of these.

Yeah, that's stone sober for most of the festival. I said, boys, come on, this is not Skank Fest, let's show some decorum here. Yeah, I was so pissed at everyone partying the whole time.

That's good.

I mean, you can just go down there and party and act like fools. Yeah, man, put together a nice thing for you, you go, this isn't good enough for me, this hotel.

It's our only friend on the internet. It's our only friend online.

Yeah, it's the only good guy, the only guy that likes us.

Yeah, everyone else We never said it.

We never said it. You guys added up. You guys completely disrespect the festival from beginning to end, start to finish.

Disrespect. You guys, I do really awful spots. You're going, I'm not going on that fucking bullshit.

I did extra spots.

Seeing it in person was really just disgraceful.

It was a disgrace.

Oh really?

Yeah, well, live panties is what I meant. Another live painting. It was a great time.

LeMaire told me Mal Farina was carrying the fest. He said he was killing.

Andy's a beast.

Yeah, and he was doing great.

It's awesome.

It's good to hear.

He's a vibe, man.

Yep.

Oh, that's all right.

He held you down.

I didn't do anything that wasn't fun. I've been nothing but nice.

Sean did something.

Do anything is exactly right.

Well, you're— yeah, you're pushing back. What are you pushing back on?

No, no, I just— there's just a pause.

He said he held me down when I was hammered.

So you got drunk and Andy held him down in the hotel?

I'm just—

turn those cookies into crumbs. Yeah, pulverize those plates.

That was cookies and cream.

Gardini was the highlight of the weekend. Was this at the festival or before? But it was raining unexpectedly and none of us had umbrellas. And we walked out of the building and there was like a group of like 4 or 5 of us. And Gardini went, oh shoot, it's raining.

It is also funny to see a bunch, like 9 dudes come out of 2 hotel rooms. Let us get our umbrellas really quickly. Excuse us, where are my gloves? In evening jackets like we were going to an assassin's funeral, you know.

No, we just got wet.

It was probably like John Wick Hotel, all those assassins in one hotel.

Goddamn, dude.

Was, uh, was Jake World the man? Was he running around?

Jake World, he's the sweetest dude ever.

He is. I love him.

And it was like, well, Ron, I don't have any complaints about it. I wish I had something funny to make fun of him for, but he's just a sweet dude and he tried really hard. And I mean, he would make so much more money if he hated us and thought we were all gay.

I know.

He would make so much money. It's crazy how he let all the— there's 19 clip channels that think like, this is the gayest thing you could be doing, and they're all like MrBeast numbers now.

Yeah.

And Jake World's just like, no, this is cool.

Yeah, yeah. Not even the gayest, they're like, these are the most morally repugnant human beings to ever walk the face of the earth. Yeah, YouTube plaque. There's blood on your fingers.

In 2027, they're gonna start, uh, threatening violence, I think. I think someone's gonna be like, I'm going down to Austin, I'm gonna put an end to this.

I mean, hey, yeah, those guys are out there for sure. There's no shortage of those guys. Yeah, they're incubating for sure.

So matched.

Yeah, unfortunately. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I've been having a good old time, man. I've been doing my, my summer, uh, my summer The comedy clubs were awesome. Stardome, blast. Fucking San Jose was fucking nasty. So yeah, we had a good old time. Good old, good old time, man.

That's great.

Yeah, it was nice. I'm telling you, doing opening for you at the Link like literally broke my brain. Yeah, where I like— now it's weird. I like anywhere else I go, I'm like, I like can't freak out anymore. I'm like, I don't— I— my brain can't just like— it used up all my freakout juice, pause. And it just— I literally don't have it left now. I'm just like, okay, we'll see what happens here.

Yeah, that was— yeah, it was fucking terrifying.

It was nuts.

We were— I was sitting in the third row with Lewis, and we both had panic attacks just looking up and seeing people in the entire periphery of your vision if you looked straight into the sky.

Yeah, it was so many fucking people. It was real Street Fighter background. I get that, like, upper level. I'm like, this is a video game background. I can't— like, your brain was just like, yeah, okay.

The thing that's so sucked is when I brought out Chappelle, me and him were supposed to do like a lot of time together. Yeah, we couldn't hear each other, dude. You couldn't hear anything. I can't say something. We couldn't, we couldn't riff, dude.

True.

The impossible riff.

Yeah, that's— I, every word I said, I could hear it 8 times. Yeah, I'd be like, okay, okay. And then the funniest part that made me laugh, I was like up there, I'm like, all right, here we go, chill out, we got this, sound guys are probably fixing. I look over at them like 2 minutes in, just Yeah, all right, I'll help you.

I was backstage screaming.

I was like, why the fuck is it echoing like that? Fix that. What the fuck, dude? They were doing shit.

They were fucking up. Everyone was fucking that show up, dude.

We did like 2 sound checks. We did 2 sound checks.

There was so much going on.

You know, they said, they go, once people are in here, it's going to pad the sound, won't be an act.

I—

dude, it was every— they had that like the— that's why Shakira wears that fucking shit in her ear. We needed— fuck, we need these. I know, sure changed ourselves. Should have went rockstar lifestyle.

We could have. We had to do that, uh, I did that any other time. I did Notre Dame, we did that.

What the hell?

Zach Bryan's people do it, dude.

That would have been sick. That would have been my new Facebook profile picture on stage with the earbud in.

It would have been tight. They were fucking up. They tossed on— there was no communication about when the show starts. They're like, flyover's right now, we gotta go. I was like, send it, there's nothing we can do about that. Yeah, then they're like, all right, get Bam ready. It's like, don't get him ready. Yeah, wait, no one's in the fucking stadium. That's kind of fucked up because for the night, tossed him on screen for a minute, he was like, you guys ready to start the show? And then I was like, no.

Yeah, give me my Bam back. Yeah, that's my Bam for the night. Exactly, Bam's mine for the night. Give me my Bam. It's kind of fucked up. They just took your BAM like that. Stole my BAM. Dude, by the way, I— that guy fucking rules.

Bam.

Oh my God, that was such a nice— it was so nice to meet him. He's the ultimate legend.

Yes, he's fully back.

He's back, bro. He— I've seen him land in 360 kickflips, dude. He's back.

They let him back in his house.

He's back in Castle Bam. The Return of the King, dude.

That's awesome.

It's literally the Return of the King.

He reforged the skateboard.

100%.

The prophecy has been fulfilled.

He's back.

I saw him with— he's got his boy now. He's got a little boy. Saw a video of this little boy and everyone's saying he just looks— he's just like, Bam looks like Don Vito now. Why don't you eat him, dude? It's really funny. Yeah, he's— I fucking love that guy.

Bam, that was wonderful.

He's a full-on superstar. He literally became like a giant super— he did the full experience. It's kind of sick.

What, uh, what was happening to you this morning? You said something was going on.

Oh yeah, I had a really strange thing happen to me this week. Um, well, I was— so I did the, uh, the 30-minute Gas Digital thing, and, uh, uh, I don't know, you guys have done like multiple specials, and the whole time at every juncture, are you worried that something's going to make the entire thing fall apart?

Yes.

From the second that you say yes to doing it, you go, there's gonna be a disaster that derails the entire thing.

That's everything I do.

Right, for sure.

Forest fires before the Eagles show. Yeah, and I was like, I didn't even think that was nice. Now there's smoke.

My brother was spreading rumors that it was mask mandatory, and I like, I for real, I for real believed him. I was like, oh dude, fuck, this is really—

they were— I got— everyone was like, are you canceling the show? I was like, I'm not gonna cancel. No, we're doing it, it's gonna happen. Smoke added to it.

Smoke was sick.

Very, uh, end of the world. Very cool.

Yeah, very fun. So you were, you were convinced?

So every, so every, every juncture I said yes. I was like, all right, what's going to get canceled? They're going to say they changed their mind. And then it's like, well, there's not going to be anyone there. And the show's sold out and it's like, okay, cool. And then it's like, well, okay, now everyone's here, they're going to see me fucking bomb. And then the shows went great. And then it's like, all right, well, it probably didn't capture something. Something failed. Every step of the way I'm waiting for the entire thing to fall apart, but it keeps going better and better. And it's like, whoa, there's like a tiny success instead of a failure.

Every step of the way, it never goes away.

The edit.

I'm going, the edit's going to be a nightmare.

They're going to—

we're not going to be able to capture something, dude. We cut it, cut down perfectly into the time that we needed. Um, and I was like, all right, well, now I'm gonna, I'm gonna upload it and no one's gonna care. No one's gonna— they're gonna go, uh, I don't know what that crowd was like. The online viewer is gonna hate it. And so I just— it's just a night. Not at one point in the way I didn't get to enjoy any of the small victories. I didn't enjoy the night of the shows. I went, well, this is just— I'm not even halfway there. And, uh, but it just keeps building and going great. And, uh, all the way up into the day that it's supposed to come out, and I'm like hand trembling on the mount. I'm uploading the YouTube video myself, and I'm just like, there's gonna be an issue. And there was like a technical issue. And then I'm like, this is the last fucking thing I need, dude. It's like, it's like I said, everyone, hey, come to my YouTube channel at 7 o'clock on Tuesday and check this shit out.

I'm gonna look like like a fucking idiot.

And I'm in the middle of troubleshooting it, and I swear to God, the second that I figured it out— and it's like the last click of the mouse before the thing goes up and it's all scheduled, and I got the— is the title correct? Is the description right? Everything is finally in place. My cat walked into the living room and dropped dead in front of us.

It was waiting. It was holding out.

Damn.

Psycho disease dog.

Bro, what?

Drop dead on the spot. We've had this cat for like 10 years. He's older than my youngest son. He would do— he— we escaped the hood together.

He— we had him in Kensington. He did.

And dude, so the video is uploading and Mary Jo starts like freaking out. She goes, something's happening. And I— and so I go into the living room and the cat is laying on her soul for the—

I sacrificed— you literally—

yes, I sacrificed my dearest, closest—

what was the cat's name?

Andy?

Andy!

RIP dude.

And he's on the floor in the living room and his tongue's hanging out and he's like— His eyes are wide open and his breathing's really slow. And I'm like, uh-uh-uh-uh. She's beside herself. She doesn't even know what to even cry about.

Hold on, I gotta change the thumbnail.

Yeah.

I swear to God, I have my phone in my hand and I'm waiting on an email reply on something. I'm like, eh-eh. So I got down and—

CPR?

I gave him mouth-to-mouth.

Did you really?

You have to.

I had to. Is there a specific thing for cats or the same?

No, I don't know how to do it for a human.

So I'm like pumping it.

I'm like, Andy, wake up, buddy.

Come on, pal.

And I, and I cup my hand around his mouth and I go, and his body goes, and I'm like, I think it's working.

And I keep doing it. At one point she has to be like, I think he's gone.

So I'm just, you go, goddamn it, face fucking my dead cat in the living room waiting for an email about the this thing. Then I just uploaded that. I'm like, I hope this isn't a huge disaster for me.

You mark the time when you gave up on the cat.

Colin, you're giving a meowth to meowth.

That's what I said to my wife, dude. The kids are at school, so they're not seeing this. I had to call a service to come pick them up to cremate them for us. And I mean, the whole family's fucking crying, like headache crying with each other. It was like a religious moment of everyone just sobbing by the time the kids get home. And, uh, I, I was, I, I was the one that broke the news to the kids.

And, um, you were like, also, I mean, special's getting a lot of views.

This is before it even goes live. This is before it goes live. So I'm like, uh, I, you know, I'm like, guys, I don't know how to tell you this. I don't— Andy, uh, I don't know, we have no idea what happened, but he got—

he got into one of my fan packs and he died out of nowhere.

And I go and I tried to save him.

Did you get that? My wife starts going—

she's laughing thinking about me giving him that.

But you don't, you don't know how Andy passed.

I, I think we, we had another cat from the same litter and he died like as a kitten from this, like in the same exact way.

But they didn't do a paw autopsy. I mean, that's how you set Guinness Book of World Records. There was no autopsy.

I told Rainey, he said you gave him CPR.

Oh, fuck. That's a— yeah, that's tough.

Rip Andy. So we haven't— so it's, uh, it's going, it's going, the special's going great, but we haven't— dude, we went out to dinner last night.

It was—

but we were supposed to be like celebrating, and we just sat quietly at this nice restaurant. No one's feeling it.

We lost Andy. Andy was big.

The loss of Andy was enormous.

Can I see a picture of Andy?

Nuke.

It was an absolute nuke upon my household.

Andy was definitely like, all right, video's initializing, I've done it, I've done everything.

Got out of Kensington with you. So this is it, there's no more I have to offer you. It was done.

Solid half an hour, another half in the tent. There's Andy chewing on his own foot. Oh damn.

Yeah, he's the man. He made this really awful sound, guy, when he would chew on his nails. And it was like, that's Fritz talking to him.

We're gonna need this video for the— you guys are gonna want to take a look at Andy.

You're gonna see it.

He's a sweet guy.

That is a good cat.

And, uh, yeah, so we haven't— and then also it's like my kids have never seen me do stand-up before, so we were gonna like all watch it together.

That's nice.

And it's like 30 minutes of me being like, man, being a dad is really hard. You guys ever raise a teenage girl before? So they all watch— they—

we just—

we canceled the viewing And they all went to bed and they all watched it in bed and just like, my daughter's like, so having a teenage girl is really tough. Yeah, it's like, yeah, well, I was fucking joking.

Yeah, that's crazy.

You just proved my point, dude.

I mean, this has been the most stressful week of my entire life. Yeah, but the special's going well.

That's it.

That's good.

That's awesome. Cat died, daughter's mad.

I had some angry—

the boys are depressed.

I had some angry family members from my YouTube special.

Yeah, I mean, you gotta ruffle feathers if you're not pissing someone off, dude. You're not even doing it right.

I mean, yeah, we're the canaries in the coal mine. It is what it is.

They're not ready for, uh, you know, you're speaking truth about—

you're speaking truth to sisters, speaking truth to daughter.

Yeah, I really rue the day when my kids get old enough to be like, dude, what the fuck? You're like, it's not as bad as you think.

Do you like your house?

Do you like your car? Yeah. Okay, okay then, shush.

I had to talk about jacking off for 7 years.

It's—

yeah, well, fucking 12 years.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. It's gonna be fine, man.

My My daughter thinks we're all gay, but it's funny. My sons think this is— we're cool guys.

Yeah.

Which is like, hell, whoa, what an illusion, you know?

Yeah.

And it's not so bad.

Yes, you know, it is what it is. It is funny though, I have zero ability to appreciate anything. As soon as anything gets done, if I'm doing anything, I'm like, okay, that's done. All right, now I'm gonna work on something else. They're like, no, you should really sit back and like really take this in. I'm like, I can't.

It's—

I thought— I'm not capable.

I did it at the length link. That's nice. I made sure to, while I was on stage, be like, all right, done. It was that, that, God, that and, uh, first time SNL.

Yeah, that was it.

And go after, shook hands with 900 people. Yeah, just you and me walked back into the studio and it was like, that was sick. I got about 5 minutes of happiness there, 10 seconds of happiness. I still don't even like talking about it. I don't even discuss it. I can't even talk about it.

That just adds to your mystique, though. That's kind of nice that I'm unhappy with everything. Yeah, but you have to be— you have to just— don't be like, I prefer not to talk about it.

I don't like it.

I like—

how was it? It was intense. I don't want to talk about it.

I have designs, and tell me what you think about this. I want to enter you into high society. You have to make it. You have to now enter like the Hiltons and make your debut. It's a whole thing.

I'm already there.

You got to make your debut.

What do you mean?

You have to host like a gala for high society and then come out and be like, yeah, what a lovely evening. And everyone's gonna be like, he's a buffoon.

I could easily do that.

You have to do it. Yeah, now you have to conquer high society. I'm reading—

thank you all for coming.

Oh, what a fine occasion.

Did he fucking say— have you seen my giant cat? Yes, of course you have. Don't worry, he's declawed.

I was with high society at the soccer game this week.

Are you really?

And I got— they thought I was cheating on Sweet Bud Light.

What?

Because the person next to me had a Dos Equis in the cup holder, and then somebody got me a Bud Light, and they were like, dude, Shane, the second the camera was on him, his agent was like, dude, you need a Bud Light in your hand. It's— didn't even know the camera was on me. I wouldn't have—

it's a viper's den, brother. It's a viper's den. I'm reading that book right now. It's all about like Russian aristocracy. It's, it's, it's my favorite, like the 1800s Russian aristocracy, or any aristocrat. It's so funny.

Everything—

you're always rising and falling.

If like your son does something weird, everyone's even gay or Well, and TMZ ran an article that was like, he was drinking Bud Light, don't worry about it.

Oh, that was your people.

You're keeping away the phone call.

Somebody, somebody did something. And I texted— who I texted people like, don't do that ever. Whoever did that, don't do that.

You fire your publicist.

I was a little annoyed with whoever did that.

Yeah.

And I don't know who did it. Oh man, they won't tell me.

Your people are going to turn on you all at once. They're going to kill you like Anne Heche.

For sure.

If you shine too high, if you shine too bright in society, someone will try to take you down.

Of course.

Gotta be careful. I'm gonna start making designs on you.

It happens in stand-up all the time. If you go on the road for somebody, people underneath like, fucking piece of shit, I'm gonna bring him down. He's not as good as he says. The Noxus Boys will bring people down. They'll stab them. I've seen you drag people to the dirt.

People up.

All Noctis is about is lifting people up, amplifying voices. The guys who don't get a bunch of spots around town, a spot at the Noctis.

Then you drink a couple whiskeys and you go, you fucking—

say thank you for the Noctis. Who invited you here?

I didn't say you could get on this stage. Yeah, you did. You were just drunk again. Fine, get on stage.

Why is there 16 people at this show right now.

That's what happens. 3 of them go their separate ways, get drunk, invite people to Noctis. There's 15 comedians on the house. They go, who did that? They go, fucking piece of shit.

There's 3 people like, I actually flew here for this.

It's the best green room hang. It is a sick hang.

We're the only green room with wings.

Those are good wings. Where are those wings from?

The truck.

Yeah, delicious wings.

Yeah, they're yummy. Fireworks. Very yummy. We gotta— dude, we, we talked about— was that on the Patreon? We talked about Hopdoddy's for 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah, we gotta hit Doddy's, bro.

What's that?

It's a burger place. It's not— this isn't paper, bro.

I'll be there.

It's fucking sick.

You guys are getting happy hours, starts at 4 and it goes to like 7 PM.

And again, not paid promotion, it's just I love it. I went there recently. I went to a soft opening, so I got to eat there for pretty much free. And now I've been like, that's the best. I talked to the regional manager, nice guy. It might be my favorite place in the world now. Guy's 60 years old. Tell you what, he looks like he's about maybe 49.

Guy looks good.

He looks good for his age.

It's incredible.

That's great for his age.

I love to see an old man looking good. Yeah, it actually kind of bothers me, to be honest. Yeah, when an old guy's like still cares about his looks a lot.

See, this guy though struck me as an old— he's an old bar guy. So I kind of like an old bar guy to be like, yeah man, fucking drinking all the time, look, I look fucking great, I don't know what they're talking about.

That's obviously something I look—

it was kind of nice, it was, it was definitely a vic— he was, he was cracking me up. I got crushed at the track, the, uh, I was running one afternoon, it was hot, and there was a guy there like, like completely white, long hair, big white beard. He had like a slightly older boy with him and he was just— he literally was like, it's great to see old guys like us getting after it. I'm like, hold on man, I'm only fucking 40, let's fucking—

what, what did he look like? And he had a Young boy was a fucking Aristotle. Yeah, is this a Greek philosopher jogging? Could have been. This is my boy.

Could have been trying to get me into his face, like, let's wrestle. Let's fucking wrestle. All right, pop your clothes off.

Pop off those trousers.

Let's have some fucking trousers. My little running shorts that I don't wear underwear underneath.

You don't— you run with no undies?

No, if they have— I have shorts that have like a— okay, the thing I love doing that, I always go to Brittany and go, I'm not wearing underwear, get away from me. Showing penis to the babe is really fun. Just show no reason, sweaty, flaccid penis, being like, yo, you're ridiculous.

That's nice.

It's a nice move.

I wish they would do that back. That'd be great, bro.

A flash would be crazy.

Yeah, stretch one lip out of the side of the shorts.

Thanks, thanks, Mommy.

Bro, I sat in some gum.

That might actually alert me. We're out there, if we're out eating burgers or something, she went, yo, go, want some pickled onions? I'm like, yo, babe, oh shit, I seem to drop my earlobe.

Yeah, just go, got your earlobe. Now it's down here.

All right, well, gosh darn it, we'll catch you on the Patreon.

Check out Tim's special.

Yo, it's on my YouTube channel, it's really good.

Where can they find it?

YouTube.com/TimButterly. It's 30 Minutes— Guest Digital presents 30 Minutes with Tim Butterly. Please check it out, I think you'll like it.

30 minutes of non-stop gut-busting laughs.

Unbelievable stuff.

You ready to crack up? Check out— what's the name of it?

30 Minutes with Tim Butterly.

30 Minutes with Tim Butterly.

Description below.

Yes, click the link below.

Thank you guys.

Yeah, watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

Do it.