Transcript of Ep 644 - Bum Check (feat. SWIM)

Wow, wow, Wes.

Okay.

Hey, we're ready to do the podcast.

Ready, dude.

This is time. It's time.

Maybe.

We're fired up.

Fired up.

Have you adjusted well here, or were you still spinning out in terms of, like, the location? I know, like, I felt like I wasn't spinning out until 6 months passed, and I was like, "Damn."

I was chilling, dude.

You've been chilling.

I've been chilling.

That's what I thought.

I'm on the bus.

The bus is chilling.

I took the bus today, man.

Yeah, and I told me you were taking the bus to his house.

The bus was lit.

It's crazy, you taking the bus.

Dude, it's free.

I mean, free bus is nice.

I couldn't turn. He was like, "Yeah, you want to go?" I was like, "Dude, the bus is free today."

Yeah, that's kind of nice.

And it's right in front of my house.

Oh, it's for everybody.

Election Day.

Yes.

But I started some commotion on the bus.

What'd you do?

The bus driver didn't know it was free. So I hopped on. There were 3 gentlemen on the bus already, and he hit me for my fare because I walked right by him.

He's like, "Excuse me, sir."

He's like, "No, he was good." He's like, "Yo, man, you got paid for your fare."

You should have excused me.

And I'm like, "Bro, the bus is free today."

He said, "Sir, I'm a Democrat."

Well, I was like.

It's free.

I hipped him to the fact that the bus was free, and then there were 3 gentlemen that he had hit for a fare, so they started screaming at him.

Ooh. Yeah.

They started, they took, they all worked for their money, and then they had to give it to the dude.

Were they breaking his balls more, sir, or were they just.

They were more so breaking his balls because it was only $1.25.

I mean, it's pretty. Setting off 3 old black dudes, that's.

There we go. They were like 30s. They were fired up, though.

But they were giving it to the bus.

That's interesting you assumed that.

That's true. He told me. He's self-evident.

That's interesting.

It's interesting you just assume something like that.

No, it's true.

It's better. I think it gives more, for me, it's more about texture to the story. Setting off, having 3 black dudes on your ass over a couple bucks, that's, they were pretty refunded.

No, no, no. It's just interesting.

It adds to the element of the story because it was like 3 nerds.

It's interesting you have black guys.

It's interesting.

I don't, less and less.

It's interesting it's free. The bus is free on Election Day. It's interesting.

You gotta get the dudes the bus.

It's just interesting, that's all.

All time.

There's no NBA games. That's interesting.

Is there nothing on tonight?

There's no NBA, right?

No.

I swear, I could be wrong. I think the Liberal League says no games on Election Day. I could be wrong.

Yo.

There's no games?

Yo.

That's interesting. It's just interesting.

That's very interesting.

It's very interesting. You gotta get out and rock the vote. You don't get any NBA.

But they also.

You gotta vote. No basketball until you vote. Then you get your dessert.

Dude, you know they have an app to track whether you voted or not?

Yeah, dude.

And how people come to my house.

It's true, Wes.

They come to, these 2 ladies knock up and like, "Oh, just so you know." And it's like, "Yeah, get the fuck out of my house."

Well, they knock up and we see that. Bro, you can check your family members to see if they voted or not. You can text them, like, "Did you vote?" If they're like, "Yeah," they're like, "I'm sad to hear you didn't."

Damn.

That's a thing they have. And now they have ladies patrolling my neighborhood.

Yeah, I get YouTube ads. That's like, all my targeted YouTube ads are like, you know, you don't say who you voted for, but they know whether or not you voted. And your friends and family can see that you didn't vote.

Bro, I wasn't gonna vote Republican, but if one of those ladies comes to my house.

Are you a Paxton head?

Says, "You need to vote, and I'll give you a ride to the polls." I'll say, "Thank you for the ride. I'm doing it now."

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

Straight Republican ticket.

Are you a Paxton head?

I was thinking about that he got his boy out of jail for being a paxton.

Did you see his comeback?

No.

He's like, "Everyone's trying to say I let a pedophile out after 1 day." He was in there for 60.

60?

60 days for ped.

Look, I'm just saying, you do have to respect the loyalty.

It's true. It's just.

I got, yo, if you went down for it, I'd go, "Give him 60."

Give him 60, yeah.

Let him think about it for 60.

Yeah, put him in the can for 60.

Let him miss football season. That's gonna suck.

That's a hot defense. It's like, "Yeah, you let a pedophile out 1 day." It's like, "Try 60."

60 days is crazy.

2 months.

And Fricos on it, too.

Fricos on it.

The Tal Fricos are on his ass.

The Fricos.

For letting the pedo.

I think he's gonna win.

Fricos gonna win for sure.

Fricos gonna win for sure.

Yeah, he's. The pedophile hunters became a nice, that was a great move by the libs.

Yeah.

Because it was all right-wing people that were like, "We need to stop the pedophiles."

Yep.

And then when Trump got in office, the libs were like, "I thought you guys wanted to stop pedophiles."

Yeah.

And now both parties have to agree.

Well, that's what they do.

The libs were quiet on the pedophiles.

They were.

Well, they were.

That was pedophiles.

They almost made, they had the chess piece, like, "Are pedophiles gay-adjacent?" And then everyone's like, "Dude, get the fuck."

Yeah.

Okay, okay, dude.

We'll put it back. We'll put it back.

Well, with the pedophiles.

With the pedophile, actually.

They tried to kind of, yeah, they tried to do.

They were putting out, like.

Minor attracted persons.

Minor attracted persons. They were putting out articles.

Yeah, they were like, cruising for a little bit.

They were thinking about adding it to the flag.

And then they go, "Wait a second, we can use this."

They almost had, yeah, that, like.

Well, before if you mentioned pedophiles, you were lumped as a conspiracy theorist.

Yes.

So, like, if you were like, "He's a pedophile," it was like, "Oh, you're a right-wing Nazi," for saying.

Yes.

5 years ago.

Yeah, but then they flipped, but dude, that's what they do constantly.

Of course.

Because, like, back in the day, all the conspiracy theorists were left-wingers. And then they flipped it. They gave it to the right-wing bros, and then they're gonna flip it again. So it's a constant game of confusion.

Yeah, who done it?

True.

Yeah, they were hardcore. They stopped, the Occupy Wall Street was like, that was like the peak of left-wing conspiracy.

Yeah.

Or it was like definitely a high mark, and then it just like, out of nowhere, they flipped.

They flipped the switch.

They love Pfizer now.

It's just like, I thought you guys like hated all of gambling.

They love experts now.

They do love experts.

So, like, that's the new lib thing to be like, "I would rather listen to a doctor."

It's like, okay.

Yeah, you ever heard people like subtly put that on you?

Oh, yeah.

Where they're like, "Well, I mean, you're not a doctor," and you're like, "I mean, we both have Google now, though," so it's like.

I hold it down like the old school Russians where it's kind of, you kind of like laugh at medicine. You're like, "If you believe in that, that's kind of your business," but we both know. Those old school Russians were like, if you got a doctor, they'd be like, "Good luck, bro. What's that guy know?"

But also, to their credit, like the doctors back then would come in and be like, like there was the one thing I was reading, and the lady was like an 18-year-old girl, and he was like, "I gotta see her naked, just to like see how she's, if her spirits are low, I gotta see her." And they kept like staring at this lady naked, and he's like, "She seems all right." And she was like, the lady was pissed. She was like, "Bro, what the fuck?"

Wait, when was this, in classic Russia or recently?

It was just a fiction story, but I assume it happened.

Oh, okay.

But back in the day, they would send you to the Springs. If you were sick back then, they would be like, "Go, like, travel abroad and go sip, like, spring water from France."

Doctors used to slap, though. Like, doctors used to like, like back in the day, you'd be like, "Is there a doctor in the house?" And he would have his bag, and he'd be right.

Yeah.

But they've kind of fallen to just like super nerds that like did really good in school and like went all the way and kept doing really good in school, as good as they could do.

Yep.

Now they're doctors.

Speaking of, I don't know if I've defended it here before, but the, speaking of doing really good in school, the, at Texas football games, they're getting a lot of heat because anytime they show the student section, it's mostly Indian.

Really?

Or maybe not mostly, but it's a lot.

Sorry, it's a lot.

Segway is so good. I'll get there, dude. I'll get there. Now. Everybody's making fun of them. But it does make me very happy. I enjoy it. I like seeing the Indians on the screen getting pumped for college football. You go, "Now, that's assimilation."

Yeah, it is.

I like that. If everybody came in and was like, "Dude, I got a college football team," you'd go, "You're in, dude."

Yeah, fired up.

But the reason they're getting all the seats is, I think Texas bases their student section on GPA. So they get first, whoever has the highest GPA gets.

Gets first tickets?

First dibs on the tickets.

Yo.

So now the whole student section is just a bunch of Indian dudes.

I think.

It's fucking nice, dude.

I think the, like, white kids aren't getting tricked into college like they were back in our day. Like, remember back when we were in high school, like, if you weren't going off to college, like, it was kind of frowned upon.

Yeah, you were, dude, my school used to put a Shamrock up with your name and what school you were going to.

Yeah.

And then there'd be like 3 Shamrocks at the end that were like, "Dude, work."

I went to.

Job.

Damn, loser.

Probably gonna die soon.

It's like trade school sucks. I went to Drexel, and we didn't start, you know how everyone went away to college when you were a senior? They all left like in early August. You'd say bye to all your friends. Drexel didn't start till the end of September. And I was working at a dry cleaner in town. So like, all these parents would come in and be like, "Oh, that's nice, you got a job." And I'd be like, "I'm going to school in the 27th. Here's my acceptance." But like, I went a whole month after.

Yeah.

And I had a tight job at a dry cleaner.

I remember that.

That was probably one of my best jobs.

Really? Did you ever find cash in the pockets?

Dude, one of the first weeks I found like 300 bucks, right?

Oh my God.

And I pulled my boss aside, and it was this like beautiful Puerto Rican lady, and I was like, "Hey, I found 300 bucks in this guy's suit. Like, what do we do here?" And she took it, and she was like, "You don't say anything. Next one's yours."

Oh, dude.

And she took the whole thing.

Took the whole thing. It was like.

Damn.

Next time you shut the fuck up.

Was there ever a next time?

Constantly.

Oh, nice.

Yo.

But I was never a bag like that. It was always 20s and 10s after that.

I wanna go back for the vape pens. You probably find so many vape pens out there.

Nowadays, you probably find tons of like nick pouches, tons of vape pens.

When I was cleaning out repoed cars, there was my coworker, it was just me and him, everything. He was a special needs man, and he was cleaning out the coins.

What kind of, oh, you get like.

He was every single fucking coin drawer. He was, he had jars of fucking nickels and pennies.

I like that.

He was fired up. And then Phil would come pick me up and be like, "You making him work?" And he'd be like, "Yeah, he sucks at his job." Like, Phil.

You were backstabbing?

Phil allied with the bro.

What was your job? Just cleaning out repoed cars?

Literally cleaning out a parking lot of repoed cars.

You ever find anything real sick, like knives or guns or anything?

Yeah, like a CD book.

That's kind of cool.

Those are nice.

It's probably all mixes, though.

It was mostly like condoms and diapers that had been sitting in a.

Oh, that's a brutal mix.

Like unpacked?

Yes.

Yeah.

Mags are like.

Used, bro.

Reggie.

Disgusting.

Oh, Jesus.

Disgusting.

You could use condoms for like little impromptu rain boots for your infant.

You could just wrap their legs in them.

Yeah.

Mags. You might need some mags.

Yeah.

For a baby leg.

What was he cleaning up change-wise? Like 20 bucks a day?

Yeah, probably.

Strawberry flavor.

He was going hard.

Dude, I was telling Matt before he got me here, I got bum checked when I got off the bus. Because I pulled up into Matt's neighborhood, and I'm always turned around in Matt's neighborhood, but I forgot that I had had my bus fare.

You got off the bus.

Because the bus was free. I didn't know it. So I had like 10 dimes, and I was shaking them in my hand. And then I asked some gentleman in his neighborhood, I'm like, "Yo, which way is like the coffee shops?" And I was shaking my dimes while I asked him. And he was like, "It's that way." And I was like, "All right, thanks, bro." And he's like, "Are you good, man? Do you need anything?" And I was like, "I'll probably just get like a matcha latte or something." And I was like, "Oh, fuck, I'm shaking change again."

Yeah, definitely fucking shaking change.

While asking you where the coffee.

Fresh off the free bus. I'm not going to vote. I'm getting coffee.

But he was like fully ready to hook me up. I should have worked him for a fucking free matcha.

You should have. You should have been my family's up in the car.

Well, once I mentioned the matcha latte, like the confusion kind of cleared, and he was like, "Oh yeah."

Yeah, you say matcha, you're not homeless.

Yeah, true.

You should have screamed at him, though, and scared him.

Yeah.

He would have been like, "Hey."

I was confused until I realized I'd been fidgeting with change while talking to him. But it was just my unused bus fare.

I might start a group fitness class down around my neighborhood where it's just, it's homeless fitness, where you just like, you just, it's like, bro, just go nuts.

They're jacked. They're already the most fit.

Yeah, but you could still run around and be like.

Yeah, it's just scream people.

It's burning 1,000 calories. Just running full speed.

I was driving with my daughter the other day, and there was some tweaked out dude at the bus stop, like doing like spastic tweaker movements. And my daughter was like, "Yo, dad, that guy's got so many muscles. You don't have any."

Oh.

And I was like, "No, I got muscles." And she pulled her own shirt up and was like, "You have the same body I have."

Oh.

And she's like, "Look at this dude."

Oh.

She's got like a little baby belly. She's like, "You look just like me when you're under 12."

She's like, "Honey, he's a loser."

And I was like, "That guy's not doing work." Like, I started trying to explain like crystal meth.

I'd like to do a podcast.

That guy's been up for fucking a week, like screaming at her. And I was like, "It's a lost cause." Like, "You're kind of right."

I.

Go over there and tell him.

What's that?

Yeah, I was gonna.

He said, "Why don't you go find her?"

I was like, "Yo, there's your boyfriend. There's your fucking boyfriend."

Yeah, go talk to him. See how cool he is.

Hop out, spend a day at the bus stop with him.

Dude, I get jealous of how ripped those guys are sometimes. But we saw, one time we were sitting there and we just came off the highway and we're like on like an underpass, and this guy had a rope and he was just swinging it above his head. And it was me, Mai, and Chloe. Mai's like, "What's he doing? What's he doing?" I'm like, "I don't know, Mai." I was like, "He's going crazy." And she's like.

But he knows what he's doing.

He's like, "He's up to something." Then he took the rope and he went and threw it and hurled it across the street. And she was like, "What was that for?" And I'm like, "Mai, nobody knows. He's doing crazy stuff." And she was like, "Ha!" She thought it was the funniest shit ever.

He's locked in though.

She thought it was so, I was like, "You'd have to ask him." But like, "He's just doing that because he's nuts."

He's got a lasso car.

Yeah, I was like.

He's gonna break it.

He was like a full lasso or just a loose rope?

It was just a loose rope with something heavy on the end. He was whipping it.

Oh, oh.

He just launched it over our car. And I was like, "He's just going crazy right now."

That's what fascinates me nowadays, we never had tweakers in the Northeast.

Yeah.

So like all of our like people that were on drugs on the street were sleepyheads and like folded over. But down here, like I saw a dude like cleaning a long piece of metal the other day. And I'm like, "Damn, these guys are on a mission."

Yeah, they're rocking.

It's like they're not like.

Dude, the fucking.

They're not even asking for money either. They're out locked in.

They're locked in.

Doing their thing.

There are a lot of them get into the scooter hustle. They'll like just take scooter batteries apart and they'll fucking like storm somewhere. That warehouse I had, there was a bro living in there who was, I swear to God, rappelling down from the roof. He would climb up on the roof. He had a rope attached to a skylight that had been busted out. And he would climb down on a roof and get in there. And that's how he originally did. And he opened the door and unlocked it.

So he would climb to the top of the warehouse.

That's how he got in.

Get down on a roof.

He Batmaned inside.

Just to be in the warehouse.

Be in the warehouse. And then he was just stealing like people's motorized scooters and just taking the batteries apart. There was like 40 scooter batteries in the fucking thing.

Jesus.

Guy was.

Admirable.

It is.

Like in his head, he was gonna fill that warehouse for a good use.

Yeah. He actually, yeah, I think he was doing oil changes illegally in there.

We should start funding these guys for a year and be like, "Just follow your vision."

Yo.

And see what happens to the whole thing.

Tweaker tank would be nice. Tweaker tank would be sick.

Just call in like 12 tweakers and be like, "What are you up to today?" And he's like, "I gotta take apart this VCR." And be like, "Here's $10,000. Take apart a ton of them and finish your project."

True.

Like, "Follow your vision till it's end."

And get them a full medical team. That could be like, "Yo, bro, hold on. We're gonna put you in like a medicated coma. Okay, back. Come on, meth amount."

Back up.

Right back out there.

Yeah, just get them the perfect amount of meth.

Exactly.

Constantly.

Apparently, if you shoot meth, you, there's urban legend, but I've heard it's true that you'll come your pants. There's a mythic dose of IV meth that will make you bust. So just putting that out there.

Where did you hear this? Reddit?

I've been researching meth. I've had it on a good authority from a company.

So there's like a nut dose you can hit?

There's a nut dose. There's a nut dose.

Where it's like if you get the right dose, you just bust?

Yes. I swear to God.

What's your refractory period?

What do you mean?

Like, when can you bust again after busting?

That, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure you get it right up. Those dudes, those dudes like go on for like 24 hours straight.

They hit levels of hornyness that are unforeseen.

Yeah, it's crazy. But no, the friend, look up the nut dose. Guys, look that up. You can literally, not your pants. I was reading a Quora post about it.

Rocks would be like, "I'm sorry, I can't advise you on how to shoot meth in that."

Rocks would suck you square when you ask them about meth prices. Oh my gosh.

Oh yeah.

This is gonna be an easy peasy.

Yeah, Grock tightened up lately.

Yeah.

I believe it.

Oh, really?

What?

Yeah, Grock used to tell you anything.

Yeah, they used to.

Has Grock ever taken the clothes off of women on Twitter?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I've never.

I haven't seen it once.

I don't know. I've never done the images. I'm more for.

If you look at Twitter, there'll be a picture of a girl and they'll say, "Grock."

Take off.

Take off, put her in this outfit.

Yeah.

They probably smile.

I've never seen it.

I don't know.

I'm not much of a Grock gooner.

I think you used to, but they patched it.

It used to do it?

Yeah.

It's pretty funny.

Hot patch. They patched it out.

You could do it to fellas too. It'd be very funny. Do it to your friends. Go pull a man on all fours. Put him in a Mortal Kombat female Mortal Kombat character outfit.

Dress him up like Chun-Li.

Yeah.

You see the picture I sent you yesterday?

What was it?

Dude, the body scan photo.

Oh, yeah.

It includes a little bit of Dong.

Wait, what?

Did you notice it? The body scan. So I had to do this whole VO2 max test. I have new doctors.

That was you?

That was me. So they showed, they did a.

And it shows your equipment?

They did a body scan. They're supposed to show your body fat. And then I like.

And it shows how much of the fucking room.

It kind of shows your flaccid Dong.

I'm gonna, I thought it was your wife. I thought it was a weird ultrasound. And I zoomed in and I thought it was a pussy. And I was like, dude, that's crazy. You sent me that.

Dude.

And I didn't mention it. And I didn't want to say it.

You got mushy docs by a doctor?

No, it was your wife.

No, dude, it was like, first thing in the morning, I lay on this thing and they scan you for body fat. And then I'm like, the dude is like messing with the computer.

Oh, see this.

I'm looking at it.

It looks like a, I looked at it real quick because I was afraid it was an ultrasound.

You see this.

No.

Oh, Jesus Christ, dude. And there's a nut stain on the top of it.

There's not a nut stain.

Did you goon right before you went to the doc?

No, what if it picked up a nut stain, dude?

There's something, dude.

There's a little nut stain.

You got a toy car in your butt.

There's my stuff in it.

That's my cheeks, bro.

Let me see that.

That's your brother's penis.

Damn, dude, were you tucked?

Huh?

Were you tucking?

Dude, what do you got, it was first thing in the morning.

You got fucking your hips.

I would have been like, yo, hold up.

You're crazy.

Well, it was so funny. So I'm looking at the scan. It's just the outline of a fat body and a penis. And I was like, dude, that picture sucks.

That picture is not.

I know, I know.

Did the doctor give you?

No, I thought, I'm not, I thought it was a feminine.

No.

You should have got a packer, dude.

I mean, obviously that's all just like the waterway.

That's quality.

That's a great picture.

That's quality.

Yeah, I got it. I sent it to Brittany right away. I was like, dude, this is awesome. She's like, do not send that to anybody. I was like, I'm sending that to Shane right now.

That's insane.

I don't want to put any, I'm not putting anything on Brittany. It just looked, it looked like a short woman.

I know. It was a brutal picture.

It makes your head so small. Make your head.

Well, I think it's just.

It's just your skull.

It's fat.

It's just fat. So wherever you see fat.

Oh, it's a fat scan.

Oh, it's a fat scan.

Fuck you. I'll never come near that fucking thing. Oh my God.

It's a fat. So it's just registering fat on your body. So I saw that picture. And it's funny because it was like.

That makes a lot of sense because otherwise this is the craziest looking body.

I know, I know. It's just like you're fat.

So what is the doctor trying to do?

They just want to see where your body fits.

You got a fat dick though. Did your dick show it up?

No, I don't. I was fully, fully penis out just laying in that thing being like, all right, because I thought it was like an orange heat.

What was it like a tank you went in?

It's a Dexascan. No, you lay on a table and it thinks it's zero.

And it thinks it's zero.

It just goes over you. And then I'm watching the guy go over the phone. There was like three things. That was the first one. He's going over and I'm like, I'm over his shoulder. He's like, fucking dick. What the fuck? And then he goes to the other one. He uses the other ones to explain. But then afterwards, I'm like, yo, let me see that first one again. And he pulled it up and I snapped a picture. And he was like, he looked at me and I was like, I'm gonna use that for like flyers and promotions. And he just looked at me like, okay, dude.

Was he pumped?

He was just kind of like, okay. Just like kind of like let it go. But the whole time I was, and they're like, you know when you do the, I don't know if you, when you have a baby, when they do the ultrasound, they're like constantly snapping lines and zooming and like, he had.

Yeah, and they're like marking stuff.

That's called your like goingoid area, some bullshit term for it. He was like, your trunk and your rondoid area. And I kept just being like, bro, it's just my fucking penis and my fucking guitar-shaped body and my penis. It was the most unflattering picture.

That's an insane photo.

What did he say when it came out? Was he like, you look good? Or was he like?

No, they were, well, they were just kind of like, body fat's a little high and stuff.

Body fat's a little high. He's like, turns out you have a fat body and a tiny penis.

I didn't need to go get scanned for that.

You need to get scanned.

I got a mirror.

Damn. Bro, I thought I was ripped.

Yeah, we got, we got.

I thought I was ripped. I got out of it.

Way different, way different doctors. My doctor was like, dude, shit's looking good. I got my blood back yesterday.

He's like, yo, you're good.

Bro, you're killing it.

Damn. But here's the thing. The fat body penis, that's my humble earth suit. The VO2 max test I showed up and showed out.

Well, what's VO2 max?

Matt put on a mask and sprinted on a treadmill at the university.

Like 50 cent in the club video.

Damn.

Did ever see the in the club video?

Yeah, yeah.

No reason.

Wait, so what are you, are you just like, yo, what's up?

It's just showing you.

Are you trying to get good boy points at the doctor? You're like.

No, I haven't been to the doctor forever. So now I have a doctor who's just like, fuck all that bullshit. We're gonna see like if you're actually healthy or not. And the VO2 max test is like how much oxygen your body's able to process per minute at max.

How long was it?

Was it like three days?

No, it was there for like 20 minutes, dude.

It was there for like an hour.

What was his readout when he was done? He was just like.

Excellent, bro.

You're a good boy?

Excellent.

I wanna do this.

VO2 max is excellent. They put you on a treadmill and it's so, dude, I was telling everyone, I'm like, this is my weighted vest. I've obviously put on this weighted vest just so I can get my VO2 max up. But you just, you put on a fucking mask. It's like your head's attached to this like tube. And you run on a treadmill at a regular pace, but then they keep jacking the incline.

He's a nut.

Dude, you are a nut.

Yeah, but this is the best part. So I'm like, the thing is, it's 12 minutes straight of running. Some people can't finish a test. That was a great fear of mine that I wouldn't be able to finish.

Up a fucking incline?

12 minutes straight of running.

They get up to 12%. They do like, you know, two, four, six, eight, finally 12 and a half. It's just a student at UT who saw my tiny penis on a scan.

It's a dude?

Dude, it's a bro.

What's his like, what do we?

There was a lady too involved who's probably seen my penis, but.

Jesus.

It is what it is.

Dude, now you're like.

Dude, I mean, they're very professional about it. I the whole time was like, this is crazy.

I could never be a doctor.

But it did, it's kind of a good thing because it made me feel good.

If I scanned you and you was packed out, I'd be like, bro, what the fuck?

But it is motivation for the treadmill test. Because I was like, all right, I'm fat as hell, I have a penis, I gotta show out on the VO2 max. It was pure willpower. So I was like towards the fourth, there's five rounds, just continuous. Fourth round, he was like, all right, let's finish this out. I'm like, this is really hard, but all right, I can finish this out. I have another minute. And then after that, when he goes, all right, we're going to 12.5%, let's go, last one. And I was like, dude, I thought that was the last one because I went all out at the end. I'm dying. And the whole thing, the only thing that got me through it, I was pretending the whole time that I was, there was like this thing where like Earth was like exploding and you had to pass a physical test to get your family into outer space.

Were you smoking meth yesterday?

I mean, what the fuck are you doing?

You need to get like 12 meth disciples and take them on these quests with you. They're the only ones that understand what the fuck you're talking about. Everyone else goes to the doctor and they're like, does anything hurt? And you're like, no. And you're like, all right.

That's what I'm talking about. That's medicine 1.0, dude.

Oh, you're on fucking next page.

Medicine 2.0. I'm on medicine 2.0.

Where I need to run on a treadmill at the university. Like I'm a fucking athlete.

In the football stadium.

Crazy. And they're like, okay, dude, you should be cleared to podcast and.

Now you can podcast.

Hey, dinner.

Guys, guys.

You're medically certified.

The only exertion you're doing is for the test.

Okay, you should be fine picking my brother up tomorrow.

It's good for you to know that you can turn it on like that.

That's true.

I mean, the funniest part was, so I complete the test. I, dude, for real.

Dude, if something pops off and there's a slight incline and you have to run for 12 minutes.

No problem.

You got it.

If Earth, you guys are laughing, if Earth somehow gets fucked up and there's a physical test that has you get to Mars, I'm gonna pass. Sorry to.

They're like, sir, there's a rope that needs to be thrown across the street tomorrow. You needed to make it to the bus stop. You're like, I'm your man.

Yo, we're gonna actually need a lot of scooter batteries to. Yeah, maybe the meth guys are right.

We have a warehouse and a man who can rappel down and build the equipment we need to continue this medical quest.

Funniest part is I get done. I'm like, I was shocked. I was like, what the fuck? I can't believe I got a good score in the view. I thought it was gonna be terrible. I got done. And then the original lady who did the intake walks by and she's like, how'd it go? And I was like, not bragging, got excellent. She was like, yeah, go for superb. And she like completely didn't miss a step. She was like.

Did you get like a certification when you left where you're like.

No, I just had the chart.

No offense, no offense.

No, no, I'm taking.

She probably deals with the biggest dildos in Austin. Every single fucking tech, bro. The worst dudes alive come in there and be like, I need to test my VO2. And I go, sir, you're 48. Nothing matters. Why?

The dude was telling me, he goes, because you do the gradual test gives you like different information for like zone one through five. He's like, we get a lot of people who come in off of like a video they saw online and they go, bro, I want to do all out sprint VO2. And he's like, well, it kind of like defeats the purpose.

If you had gone through that body scan and showed a huge dick, would you have just left at that point?

Yeah, for sure.

For sure.

For sure.

For sure.

I would have not, I would have put the mask on and I would have just walked on a thing like this, just fucking.

I would have hit the claw, I would have hit the claw the whole time.

I need to go see this doctor.

I would have been like.

Jesus.

Yeah, it was a weird morning.

I had a good experience with my blood doctor.

Oh, the blood's good.

The blood was great, but it was very funny because she was like, I, you know, I know who you are and you're very stressed. She was like, you doing all right? Because you had a massive cortisol spike.

How was your blood pressure?

Fucking brutal cortisol.

Blood pressure, yeah, I don't think shows up in that.

They don't test that too?

They test it before with the little.

But was it good?

It was good, yeah.

Dude, they don't do the pump anymore. They have like a weird little thing.

There's a machine.

And you put it on your thing. I went to the dentist yesterday and they gave me a blood pressure thing. And it was just a little wristband I had across my chest.

I didn't know what a cortisol spike was. I just heard, I thought it was just a lookmaxing funny term.

It was a real thing.

Oh, it's a very real thing.

So wait, you have a constant cortisol spike or is it like?

No, no, it's just recent. It's just the last month.

Damn, she caught you on a cortisol spike?

Insane cortisol spike.

That's crazy.

Yeah, it's like your body goes into fight or flight. I've been in fight or flight for a month.

Damn, and your blood's still popping.

Well, there's stuff that won't be affected by it.

Yeah.

Just regular.

Just your aura though.

Aura is stressed as hell.

That's what I'm saying. If you have a cortisol spike, it fucks your aura up.

Yeah.

It's hard to aura farm when you're fucking out.

Yeah, but once you settle, your aura comes back glowing.

Aura's gonna be glowing.

I can already tell between this week and last week.

Once I got my blood test, I was like, all right.

You're like, I'm good. Everything's good.

Yeah, everything improved from last time.

That's good.

Have you changed your lifestyle at all?

Yeah, I took a, she was like, your liver is a lot better. I was like, yeah.

What'd you do?

I had to slow down. I went from 30 beers to 10.

What, daily or like weekly?

When I'm out, when I'm out of bowel. When I'm out of bowel, you gotta slow it down a little.

That's true.

True that.

Yeah, it was time.

Did you drink hard liquor?

Sometimes, but not really.

But not like.

Almost never.

What's your go-to? Like shots or like sip of whiskey?

I like a little Vaki sodas.

Yeah. Do you like to sip whiskey?

No, not at all.

I can never get into it.

I can't get into it, man.

When dudes will be like, man, it's fucking good.

Yeah, whiskey and a cigar, I go, yeah, I'm gay.

Cigars?

No, not for me.

I don't like cigars.

I love those.

They give me a stomach ache. Immediate.

I love, I get dizzy. I smoke them with dad and get dizzy. Me and my dad smoke cigars.

Dizzy's nice.

We get dizzy and I'm like, how's work? And he just tells me about like some old building in Bethlehem, PA, where he's tearing down. I sit there like trying to hold onto my chair like, dude, that sounds sick.

Gotta tell you, testosterone up a hundred.

Is it?

All natty.

All natty, dude.

Natty testosterone spike. I felt good about that.

Probably from the cortisol spike, your test raised.

Perhaps.

Yeah, the fighter sleep.

No, she was like, that wouldn't really affect it.

No, plummeted.

Yeah.

Not plummeted, but she was like, it wouldn't.

That's nice.

Are you more flight or fight?

Come on, man.

I've never been flight, dude.

I'm just general.

I could never flight.

You're ready to go.

I was physically, I could never flight.

Well, to be fair, it's flight, fight, or freeze. I'm freeze. I go.

Yeah, I hit a hard freeze.

I don't wait till the circumstances pass.

Yeah, I might hit a freeze.

A freeze.

Freeze.

I hit a hard freeze. Like as soon as my chick starts freaking out, I'm just like, like I'm freeze.

Freeze?

I never freak on it. I just freeze and I'm like, I 100% agree with you. And I walk outside and smoke like 10 cigarettes.

That's flight.

I'm complete flight, dude. That's full flight.

No, I don't panic. I just like, I block it.

It's flight. You go, I agree with you and then run outside.

Yeah, but it's like a robot. Like I'm not like, I'm not like, it's more just like not right now. And I just kind of drift into like.

Try on that flight.

I go through all three.

Because I flighted before. When you flight, you're like, I'm talking. It's just like.

I see.

The blinds go down and I'm like, oh, you're doing this. Cool. I'm gonna go outside and smoke till I die.

Yeah, you go cold on her. Yeah, I go, I go through all three stages. I go through freeze and then I go, what? And I fight.

I've seen some fights on the ring cage.

And then I fight.

Fuck.

I fight and then I flee. But yeah, I definitely, I can get, I can get nasty.

Oh, speaking of ring cam, I got some good footage this week.

What'd you get?

Of what?

Some Halloweenies.

Ooh.

I left out a candy bowl of like healthy candy, which was very funny because it was sent to me. And then.

Like Welch's grape snacks and shit?

No, no, like.

Hopefully.

I don't even know what the fuck it is. Like 70 calorie peanut butter cups.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I've seen that bag. I might pop some of that.

I had a stack of $2 bills. I was like, it'd be fun to throw this in there.

Ooh.

So there's dispersed $2 bills amongst the candy.

And then you'll go ham and take all that.

And then the ring cam, I get to watch little kids come up and steal all the money. And then a dad come in and go, you can only take one.

Yep.

And put one. Yeah, it was very fun to watch.

$2 bills is a legend.

$2 bills was nice.

I can't remember that forever.

I was talking all the kids on grabbing the kids. There's a lot of candy bowls.

Yeah, I screamed at him and they would put them back.

That's so funny.

$2 bills is like the polar opposite of that guy who gives out like toothbrushes.

$2 bills is lit.

It's like it egged.

Yeah.

It's like you put out like dental floss packs.

Dude, nobody eggs anymore.

My son was trying to. He's like, dads bring eggs and hit up houses. That sucks.

You gotta do it the day before.

He wanted to retaliate if houses sucked.

There's a couple of eggworthy spots in my neighborhood. I saw someone just put up caution tape and blocked their whole front entrance so like you couldn't even try to trick or treat. I was like, bro, I would have lit that fucking house.

That's a town free, bro.

I would have lit, yeah, that was a town free.

100% a town free, bro.

No, I said no.

We don't do Halloween.

Although not doing Halloween's like super fundamentalist Christian.

For sure.

It's Jehovah.

Yeah.

Jehovah Witness don't do it.

A lot of Christians down here.

A lot of Christians are like, we're not celebrating the devil.

Yeah, Halloween is a little bit like tooth fairy Halloween. There's a lot of people down here who are like, hell no to that.

That's a deep look. I respect that level of Christianity.

It's kind of sick, honestly.

I respect any extreme political view that you fully take to the end.

That's true.

Like if you take something to its fullest extent, I'm like.

Yeah, there was, I was talking to someone.

Like all of them.

I don't agree with them, but like I don't like half steppers.

You respect it.

Like when people are full tilt, I'm like, bro, I must respect your full tilt political view.

True.

I don't like when people be like, well, not that.

It's a kind of a complex issue. It's like, no, it's not. Pick a side and go hard as hell.

Pick a side, get on Facebook.

If you're going to adopt a belief system, I want you to take it to its fullest extent. Then I can like at least tip my hat and be like, at least you're rocking 100%.

True. There was a haunted, some haunted house around here that apparently these guys set up shop and just started doing like praise music outside of it to be like, nah, come over here. Don't get scared by Michael Myers.

No, I don't want you.

Yeah, they like set up next door to be like, why don't you come over here with JC? No need to get, don't go to the spooky house, come praise.

Yeah, I support that.

It's so funny to be like, okay, yeah.

That's crazy.

It's pretty wild, dude.

It's wild, but I'm saying the mentality, I'm like, dude, I'm into what you're like.

I like that.

I'm into the fact that you're so into Jesus that you hate spooky houses.

You don't like masks.

What's that?

They're afraid of the scary masks.

Yeah, they're afraid of like anything.

Costume.

I'm kind of with them though. I don't like those spooky trails and shit.

I love them. I love a good spooky house.

It's so fun.

I don't think they're fun, man.

I love spooky ass Halloween stuff.

Yeah.

I don't want haunted houses.

Haunted houses are so fun.

I hate that shit. I don't want anything.

Like terrifying.

I like terrifying displays out front.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like skulls getting ripped open and stuff.

I'm not a fan.

I'm a fan, dude.

I saw, we went to some pumpkin night thing and they had like a, they had like these like fake severed limbs, but they had them set up to like electricity where they would dangle and move a little bit still. And I walked up and I'm like, that's a little much.

You're ghost.

I'm trying to get my praise on them.

You're a cutie pie Halloween guy.

I'm a cutie pie Halloween guy.

You like like pumpkins and hay rides and caramel apples.

Actually, yeah, I completely am.

Yeah, cutie pie Halloween guy.

I mean, what's wrong with that?

Nothing, dude.

I respect it.

I had an inflatable jack o' lantern. That's cutie pie Halloween.

That was cutie pie.

I respect both. I love cutie pie Halloween. I love like raggedy ant costumes with husband and wife.

Yeah, well, I'm a family, I'm a girlfriend.

Family costumes, big, I love it.

I'm a family costume guy.

You were a girlfriend costume guy though too, which is nothing wrong with that.

What was that girlfriend costume?

Yeah, you knew the heavy girlfriend costume guy?

What are you basing this off of?

I think you're confusing him.

Yo.

Minions is my idea.

Minions, dude.

There's nothing wrong with girlfriend Halloween costumes.

I think you're confusing him.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Man, you get excellent VO2 max, the whole world turns on you.

If you want to get into.

If you don't go through a massive cortisol spike, you know it.

If you want to get into girlfriend costumes, you got the wrong brother. Big Bill loves a couple's costumes.

Big Bill does.

Does he really? Oh, he does.

He went broke back. He went like full Dragon Ball Z.

He did.

Billy loves.

Broke back kind of is nice though.

That was good.

Because then you get to pretend to have gay sex.

You got Goggy Style.

Exactly.

I think he was Jake.

I think Billy was.

You stayed butt missed with your cowboy girlfriend.

I think Billy was Jake.

He was Jake?

I think he was Jake Gyllenhaal.

He got picked out.

I think he got. I don't want to speak on his favorite one. That's not for me.

I mean, if it's Halloween, I think it's.

Anything you do on Halloween.

If you want to do any butt stuff as a guy, just save it for Halloween.

And just factor it into your costume and then just wake up the next morning.

It's all right, chill.

It's November, it's time to lock in. It's November.

Put on some cat ears, draw some whiskers. Just get fucking pegged out.

Just get into costume.

The whole time is like, woohoo.

Ooh, meow.

Eat a fun-sized Snickers when you're done together.

Support.

I would just suck a fun-sized Snickers.

Suck a fun-sized.

You smuggled a fun-sized into that fucking doctor's office.

I smuggled half a cat up in there.

I smuggled half a fun-sized Kit Kat up in there.

Bro, I kidding, yo. I support your penis in that. Mine would have been half. That's crazy.

You're like, you know, fucking, yeah, no chance.

I saw that and I was like, not bad.

Were you naked?

Not bad.

For real, dude.

You had some girth too.

No, I was in a fucking, I think it was my balls were getting mixed up in the picture. I think I got some ball glory in that that I didn't deserve.

It was good ball glory.

I got some ball glory. No, I was fucking laying there in all my clothes. Then the guy pulled the picture and I was like, yo.

Don't tell me about that.

You had to let me know if you were gonna be scanning my fucking bird like that.

You should have covered.

I should have. They made me keep my arms out, dude.

Damn, dude.

I'm feeling some kind of fucking way about it.

You think TSA's hitting us with that exact scan?

They can definitely see your dick.

100%. They know who you are.

TSA sees your dick every single time. That's why they stopped Nate at the fucking thing. They stopped Nate and they sexually harassed him every single time.

I saw Nate get groped.

At TSA?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They dropped him too. They got blues too.

Dude, I got ripped.

I got stopped though and debunked it. I did debunk it.

Really?

No way it sticks size. It's just shit getting scrunched up. Now maybe somebody else had a massive dong and they got it.

Shannon Sharp claims that he got dong checked.

He got dong checked at TSA.

He loves telling me.

Dude, I got fucking jacked up when you did the link.

Oh, yeah.

Security got me fucking, they fucking tackled my ass.

For what?

So I had a ounce of tobacco.

I had a pack of rolling tobacco in my pocket, right?

You can bum check to everyone.

I can bum check to everyone.

I definitely thought you were a bum inside.

So like, dude, I had a pack of rolling tobacco in my pocket. So I like went up to the security check and she was like, empty your pockets. So I put all my shit out and she's like, you can't bring that in there. And I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. I just bought it. And she's like, no, you can't bring in rolling tobacco. You can't smoke in here. I was like, I'm not gonna smoke. I'm just, it's all my person.

My work.

So she was like, go, I was like, I'm gonna go throw it in my car. So I walked out and like tucked it in my boot and then came back in and some stud gripped me up. It was like, what the fuck is in your boot? She probably thought it was like drugs or whatever. So I pulled it out. Then like a couple of them were like staring at me like, why did you hide this in your boot? And I was like, oh, she said I can't bring it. And then they were like, you can bring tobacco in here. Then another one stepped up and was like, grip him up and she like.

Got your penis?

Got all up in my shit. No, she brought a dude, like a young dude down and the young dude had to like fucking check.

Hey, you gotta get that job. You gotta work at the link.

And then they let me in.

Stroke bombs.

All while my wife watched like, what the fuck are you doing? What do you bring in?

Did they take your tobacco?

Yeah, she made me throw it out.

Oh, that sucks.

I was bummed.

And then they grab your dick?

Dude, this young dude came in and like full on like got up in my unit.

Yeah, you like that shit?

What else you got in here?

The best move for that.

But it was all a whirlwind of just like getting tossed around.

At least the stud kind of, if a stud jostled me around, I might present a little bit better.

Now the stud got in my face and then summoned the young bull.

Also, I was like slightly chumped from the excitement of it all too.

You should have pushed down a little on him.

But yeah, I thought I was gonna get kicked out.

Yeah, that's, damn. I've gotten kicked out of bars for smoking a vape pen a bunch of times and Britney's just been like, bro, for real.

What, they make you leave?

They'd be like, dude, one more time, you're fucking out of here. I'm like, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Please, please, we're here with like six people. Please don't kick me out every other night.

Please, please, please, please, please.

I try to get slick with it too. I'll go like this and wait and look around and just go, the guy's just be like, dude, what the fuck was that? I'm like, what do you mean?

Nothing?

Nothing. It's Halloween, dude. Seems coming from everywhere.

Ooh, you were Halloween-ies vaping.

Not for, I've done it before. But yeah, I didn't, did I vape on Halloween?

Would you go for Halloween?

I was the scientist, creator of the Powerpuff Girls.

That was a tight family costume.

That was a good family, huh?

Professor Newtonium.

Professor Newtonium, yeah, Professor Plutonium. I was Professor Plutonium.

That was nice, dude.

Yeah, Britney had the Powerpuff costume on late night, trying to get freaky in it, but the Powerpuff costume was on.

What was happening?

And I was like, bro, I'm your dad, like chill. And she was like, no, he's not the dad, he's a scientist that made him. I'm like, I made you?

That's even hotter.

It's even hotter. Well, I guess.

Maybe not, yeah.

No, I know. I was like, well, what about the two sisters? You have two Powerpuff sisters, it's kind of fucking weird. She's like, you're ruining it. I'm like, yeah, I am, I am, I am. I am.

So did you follow through or they ended it?

Got a little some.

Yeah.

That's what's up, dude.

It's got some Halloween dude.

And in my night, by going, eh.

Scurried into the bathroom.

My plan worked.

Here we go.

Yes, it's been a while.

I know we're doing this, but I was watching, Megyn Kelly was interviewing a pilot about the crash and what happened with the plane crash and they're bringing it down. And then at the bottom, she's like, she has like a like and subscribe, like click here. So it's like while they're very seriously discussing how horrible the plane crash was, the bottom of the screen, she's like, oh, pointing to a subscribe button. It's like, anyway.

Damn.

Yeah.

You gotta edit that one, man.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Take a day off.

Back to the podcast.

It's true.

Halloween was lit over your life, dude.

Halloween was a fucking party.

It was awesome.

It was a good time.

Yeah.

We both ran into some Halloween buzz soles. I ran into a nice buzz sole. Nate witnessed me. He had a massive cortisol spike at the Halloween party. No, no, I didn't. We were at the Texas football game before that. So I wasn't gonna Halloween-ie out there.

Yeah.

But I did get there and toss on a wig. So I just had blonde hair.

Just general wig?

I had a year of wig.

Oh, hell yeah. You were me for Halloween?

Yeah.

Yeah.

His Halloween costume was.

My Halloween costume was nice. But only one dude spotted it.

It's Russ Cole.

Everyone else just thought I was an asshole.

You were Russ Cole?

I was Russ Cole, so I had a cig and a can of Lone Star.

Perfect, bro.

But the Lone Star was filled with water. So I was like drinking it and giving it to my kids too.

I came downstairs, you were sitting at the top of my kitchen table with the six-pack of Lone Star holding the cig. And I was like, holy fuck.

Yeah, it's a great one.

Only one of your neighbors got it.

Yeah, the rest was like.

I was throwing down for one.

It was bad time.

You gotta toss your neighbors onto season one.

True.

They're gonna respect that.

Yeah, there was somebody, someone I told who was like, I've never seen that before. I'm like, dude, for real.

It's the great, it was the peak of television.

I think so.

It's all been downhill since.

I mean, it hasn't gotten worse, but I'm saying that was so good that everything else is kind of like.

I agree.

Like nothing has slapped that hard. With the exception of possibly White Lotus in Thailand.

White Lotus was pretty good.

White Lotus is good.

But it's not as, like White Lotus was, dude, White Lotus was funny.

White Lotus was funny.

Thailand you liked?

The brothers?

So fucking good.

Wasn't that when the brothers banged?

Yes.

Yes.

That was nuts.

I was madly in love with the one character though.

The English lady?

The English lady.

Yeah.

Yep.

She spaz. I think she had a spaz.

She had a post thing and I wanted to message her so bad like it's okay.

Why? Why?

Well, people were, I remember people were criticizing her teeth.

People started cutting up.

She was gorgeous.

Yeah, that's.

Yeah, I think it was some network show was making fun of her.

I think SNL did.

Yeah, it was SNL.

Really?

SNL was clowning her for the way she looked.

That's fucked up.

Heavily.

I don't like when they criticize women too much.

And she got really upset. And then.

Perpetuate body standards that I think are, I don't like that.

But they were like really ripping on her for having big teeth.

That's crazy.

Oh, they did. Yeah, they ripped on her teeth and she got pissed.

But like, I don't wanna give spoilers, but like the end of that was like, it wasn't as good as True Detective season one, but it was.

It was pretty great.

It was a different lane.

Yeah, for sure. I had to take a walk after True Detective season one. I remember getting up and like hitting the block and just walked like.

I was fucked up. I wanted to be an undercover cop bad.

Yeah, I mean, bro, welcome to my world. All day, every day. I would love to be an undercover cop. You could. You could just get busted with some heroin. They'll put you on as a CI.

Yeah, they probably put me on. Just keep riding the bus every day. It'll happen naturally.

It'll happen, bro.

Hold, someone'll be like, yo, hold this. Someone'll be like, yo, hold this.

I would go full Donnie Brosco though.

Dude, we know somebody who tried to do this. They want CI and then they showed up with the cop and he's like, the cop is like, are you ready? He goes like, yeah, man, I brought a knife. And the cop is like, you can't have a fucking knife. What are you doing? He's like, you have a gun. He's like, I can have a knife. He's like, bro, you're not a cop with me. Like, you're a fucking, you're in trouble right now. I'm using you to buy heroin. He's like, you can't just be walking.

That's like the reality of CIs and undercovers. We've seen them through Hollywood where they're these like slick dudes, but they're just like junkies trying to stay out of jail.

Yeah, pretty much. And they'll also, they'll use you because usually the deal is like however many you say you get caught with pills, it's however many pills you get caught with, you gotta get that many pills off the street and then it's kind of a wash. But they'll just keep using you and using you and using you. So dude, he got sent by like heroin in Chester. And he was like, I don't know, man. This is getting kind of crazy. And the cop was like, you better fucking do it, pussy. You're going to jail. And then he went on the lamb and then he went to the judge like, please, please, please, I'll go to rehab. Please, don't make me buy heroin.

Don't make me CI again.

We get killed.

Damn.

Yeah, buy heroin in Chester.

Yeah, dude. Don't get your fucking ass.

Yeah.

Especially, I know this.

Definitely shoot you in the head.

He had been buying it with fake money and I was like, bro, you're gonna get in trouble. You better get out of there. Yeah, I'd be.

He was using counterfeit bills to buy drugs and then got caught doing that.

Yeah, he got busted with the counterfeits, dude. I mean, it's kind of a legend move. Busted with the counterfeits and a bunch of heroin, got kicked out of an apartment complex. And then called the cops the next day and was like, yeah, there's $200 of real money in that mix. He had like thousands of dollars of counterfeit money. He goes, I'm gonna come down and grab that 200 bucks. The cops were like, get fucked.

Did you charge counterfeiting or was it all just a wash?

I think it was just kind of a wash.

Yeah.

Because it's like, you don't have that prop money. It's like pretty real looking.

Oh, yeah.

So yeah, he got busted with the fake mons and then he was like, yo, I need my real money out of that. So if you go, you don't mind just peeling me off 200?

You don't mind checking all the bills?

How did you get this number? Get the fuck out of here. Legend move. You get caught with the fakes.

He's a legendary movie.

Let me go grab those reels. Those are mine.

Yeah, that's mine, dude. Because I'm on the team now.

I know I'm in trouble for like selling heroin.

Wait, what was your buzz sol?

Oh, there's just a bro at the party that was hitting me with just hostile level insults. Just coming up being like, dude, I saw that HVAC sketch you made on SNL. People were sending it to me and I was like, oh, cool. And he was like, it wasn't that funny. I don't know. And I was like, yeah, man, that's cool. Just kept letting it go, kept letting it go. Finally, towards the end of the night, Nate watched it. I was just like, I gotta go inside, dude. You suck to be around. And he was like, I'm sorry, I offended you. And I was like, you didn't offend me at all. You just really, you suck being around.

You're the textbook definition of insufferable. Did he take it easy or?

No, I went inside, but the story got back to me. He was very upset.

Did you have any connection to this guy or he was just a stranger?

No, I don't know who he was.

That'd be a nice.

He was bummed out about it, allegedly.

I mean, eventually you got him fucking real-life.

And he was shirtless. His Halloween costume was shirtless.

Oh, it's always a nice move.

Apparently tossed on the shirt after. I was like, dude, you really suck.

What was he?

I forget who he was.

I mean, that's defeat, bro. Tossing the shirt back on.

He was all right.

For sure.

Probably a youngster.

He was a youngster.

That'd be a nice use of AI. You just sit there, a bunch of people talk, and you all put your phones up and then let big AI listen to this entire conversation, tell us who sucks.

Yeah.

Because it would give you a readout.

Pick out the punisher.

Like you are kind of brutal. Everyone's not really responding to you at all. Did you notice that? Everything you said, people change the subject immediately.

Every statement you made was an interjection to someone else's conversation.

Yeah, it was like, I let him go on like five, five different like walking up to me insult.

Like friendly insults?

Yeah, just, yeah.

That's.

Dude, I don't even, oh, the last one. Now I remember. Because I brought beer, because they were out of beer. So I bought beer and he was like, dude, my boys were like afraid to drink your beer. I was like, fuck that asshole. I'll drink them. I was like, you suck. Why would you say that to me?

Well, that's the archetype of dude who's like, I'm gonna keep it real with you, bro. You probably don't know people keeping it real with you enough. I'll tell you to your face, you're a fucking asshole. You're like, I don't even know you. Why are you doing this to me? I'll tell you straight up, bro, they don't give a fuck. Okay? Like, okay, bro, cool. Thanks. Clearly there's wheel spinning in your head.

Way to hang out.

I love that. I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's up, right?

Yeah, I told my friends, fuck that asshole. I'll drink his beer. I was like, dude, please leave me alone.

Shut the fuck up.

It's like six people here.

Would you treat anyone else?

Keep walking up to me and talking shit. Please.

Nate, you got to witness it. How did you feel about the, this guy stinks?

I knew he stunk as soon as I saw him.

Shirtless?

If you're a dude, your thing is shirtless.

Shirtless Halloween at a small gathering.

If you have an S blank, blank, blank, why Halloween costume as a guy?

He had markered like a back tattoo. It was like everything about his choice.

Wait, he had what?

He had like a marker, he had his boy marker in a back tattoo for him.

Oh, for the cosplayers.

What was he? Like Maui or something?

No.

It was like a, it was a.

Shit, I couldn't find out.

It was a YouTube video.

Recorded in my Dexter scan.

Oh, damn, that's tough.

For a second, I thought it was just like shitty scene. Because he was like wearing the shorts and the hat, like no shirt, but the back tattoo was.

What was he working with? Was he shredded, jacked? Athletic?

I respect that he wasn't in great shape. He kind of was a piece of shit, buddy.

Yeah, he was all right.

So like I kind of, I do respect going shirtless if you're not, if you're not.

I think as the night went on, his gut got bigger.

That's what I think.

I think he was drinking his bucket, his gut got a little bigger.

That's what I think.

Or maybe his posture started to fail a little.

Yeah.

He could have been croaking like a bullfrog.

Yeah, he wasn't.

Shaking it out.

Yeah.

He wasn't like fatty shit, but usually those would be.

He wasn't like a shirtless guy that you're like, damn, bro.

Yeah, put it away.

Yeah.

So he was just an average body male.

But yeah, hit him with an audible, this guy stinks.

He was upset about it. He kept trying to, I don't know if you've noticed, he kept trying to like get you back in conversation to be friendly. He was bummed.

I would have accepted it.

Maybe.

Yeah, I mean, it was a lot.

Yeah.

It was about four or five.

I mean, getting negged by a guy you don't know is just like, why are you doing this to me?

I feel like this right now.

We don't have to talk.

My bad, what?

You'd be like, we don't have to talk. Why are you negging me right now, dude? This is crazy.

Yeah.

He was pulling that move for like hours.

He was good. He was hitting me with like some really good ones.

I mean, he was this close to the most epic night ever. Be like, man, I'm fucking basically bitched him all night. I pretty much bitched him all night, man.

I mean, he did. He did. A majority of the night, I was just letting him fucking bitch me. I was like, dude, I don't care.

Yo, also, you're coming off a massive cortisol spike. You're chilling at a zen level of like, yeah, you're chill mode.

You can't get me now.

And then he was like.

You froze.

He was like, dude, was that like, was that like huge for you when you did kill Tony? That was probably like when your career like took off. And I was like, you're saying everything wrong. Every single thing.

Were you just nodding along the whole time?

Yeah, I was like, yeah, man, that was cool.

Yeah, it was fucking huge.

He might have been an operative, dude. He might have been sent to try to destabilize you.

It might, dude.

That's like for real.

I mean, cortisol.

CIA level shit.

Cortisol was already plummeting. I was fine. I was just going, dude, please.

That's so funny.

It's not that there's only like a dozen people there, so it's not like you could fade it.

It was just, and it was on like a small patio. So wherever I went, the guy was just lingering, coming over to hit me.

Damn.

Nice getting a punish, especially an active punisher.

Active punisher.

He would just be like.

Entire, it literally start to finish the entire duration of the party, I was getting punished by this dude. He was killing. He wasn't punishing anyone else.

Yeah, I remember we did somewhere, we did a casino. I remember, I forget where it was. But I opened for you in a casino and then I'm walking around the casino afterwards and it was just, you know, people were like, hey man, great job. This one guy was hammered with a group of like three people who were just being like nice and complimentary and he just looks over and goes, I didn't like you at all. I was just like, all right. I was like chatting them up and I'm like, whatever, same thing. I was like, it's all good. I'm like chatting them. He's like, seriously, dude, that was not for me. I'm like, okay, buddy, thank you, man. I appreciate your input.

It's the worst.

It's like always like, thanks, man.

Yeah.

Really appreciate you.

I'm just being honest, dude. Sorry, fucking don't like it.

I have to tell you this right now.

I can be honest, dude, about you. I'm not gonna do it.

But yeah, it's like, it's like we don't have to, we can just cut this off.

You want to do honesty?

Yeah.

Let's do honesty.

Dude, I'm fucking geeked on whales right now.

I like that.

I had to do a, we're doing, I'm doing a presentation. Maya has to do one on the Baird's Beaked Whale.

Never even heard of the book.

Bro, I was, I'm like embarrassed about how limited my whale knowledge was. I mean, Baird's Beaked Whale is one of the biggest, it's, I'm sorry, excuse me, it's the biggest beaked whale out of all the beaked whales.

What are the beaked whales?

They're just whales that have these fucking like bottlenose. Like they look like dolphins.

Oh, damn.

So they have like a long.

Like a little parrot.

Yeah.

Parrot beak.

I didn't fuck with whales at all.

Bro, well.

Yo, get into killer whales.

Killer whales, like what is this stuff?

They are pretty cool. They prey on Baird's beaked whales.

They fuck everybody.

They're nasty, but the Baird's beaked whale goes so deep. It's only escape from the killer whales. It can go, I mean, literally like a mile and some change underwater. And the killer, the orcas at some point, like boys pull up, we can't.

Yeah.

They go down to the depths, dude. They're fucking sick.

It's exciting.

Yeah, it was pretty nice. We got a lot of facts about them, dude. They weigh like 40,000 pounds. They're massive. Dude, the biggest, the whale sizes are crazy.

Yeah.

They're fucking massive. The biggest, I think it's the gray, right? The gray blue whale, blue whale.

And the blue whale is the biggest animal that's ever lived.

Really?

Dang.

Even like prehistoric numbers and stuff?

Yeah, it's bigger than every dinosaur.

Damn, even like Mastodon and whatnot?

It's bigger.

Yeah, bro. Dude, they're a hundred feet long.

No, not Mastodon. What's the shark?

Megalodon?

Megalodon.

They would slurp Megalodon like a spaghetti noodle.

If they wanted to slurp.

If they wanted to slurp.

But thankfully, thank goodness they don't slurp.

The Baird's beaked whale sucks. The way it eats food, it just goes to the bottom and goes.

The bottom feeds?

And it sucks squid into its mouth. It's fucking awesome.

It's getting some biscotti.

It's getting some squid getty.

Dude.

But yeah, the Baird, I'm geeked on the Baird's beaked whale right now. Thing's fucking nasty.

Yeah, that's nice.

You have to make like a trifold for it and everything?

Yeah, we're setting it up. I want to paint it blue with just like some black undertones to represent the depths of the dark deep water they chill in.

And the orca chasing it.

Yeah, that could be good.

I'll smoke in there just to make the orca kid jealous. Be like, I have orcas. That's not fair.

Does everyone have a different whale species?

Yeah, everyone's got different whale species.

That's fucking sick.

The Baird's beak, you would think it's not that lit. It's also, they were so stoked because I was like, the girl whales are a little bit bigger than the boy whales. I was like, yo, I was like, Maya, girl whales are bigger than boy whales. She was like, wait, really? Why?

That always pissed me off.

Let's look it up. Yeah.

There's a name spelling.

As a little kid being like, dude, the female preying man rips the head off the fucking male.

I was like, I'm so mad about it.

Fuck that.

Did you ever get into, there's a thing I saw online about how in the animal, pretty much all of the animal kingdom, the males are the more beautiful of all the species. Peacocks, male peacocks, lions, mains.

Oh yeah, they show up.

Humans.

Yeah.

We got it twisted.

Yeah, my kids are in like the thick of like, I hate boys shit. It's so fun. They fucking hate each other.

They hate boys?

Yeah, they're like, don't boys hate.

Don't let them see my fucking monologue. Don't let them see my edgy shit.

Are they on some like girls are better than boys stuff?

Yeah, they're just like, boys are annoying. And I'm always telling my guys, boys are fucking so annoying.

Your daughters got hit with the midterms.

They did.

Yeah.

The news.

Damn, dude.

Their algo's fucking cooked.

The algo got to them, dude.

Yes, every man. They're like watching Mr. Inchups.

You got every man?

Yes, every man.

Every man? You sure about that?

Damn, dude.

Oh.

Yeah, we're rocking, dude. It's whales and boy hate in my house and I'm leading the charge on all fronts. I'm like, dude, boys fucking suck.

Boys are the worst.

I'm like, I hate boys. Like you're a boy, I'm like, I'm a man.

I wish.

I was like, bro.

I wish I was different.

Guys, I have big news for all of you. We're really all a girl house now.

I might have to, bro, for real. I for real might have to, dude.

What, swap out?

Yeah, dude.

Especially the way you're running right now, you are on your Caitlyn journey.

I am.

Or whatever his VO2 max was.

Insane.

It was limpy.

It was definitely superb.

It was the Decathlon, right?

Definitely superb.

It's probably still fire.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it's, I mean, I'm excellent. It's, yeah, superb for sure, but.

Is superb the highest you can get on VO2 max?

Yeah.