Transcript of Ep 634 - Department of Jokes (feat. Yakov Smirnoff)

The Wild Wild West.

Yakov, thank you very much for being here.

Thanks for having me.

Yes. You're actually coming at a good time. Matt's become a bit of a Russophile lately.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

He's from Ukraine.

I know.

I heard.

I was like, dang, that's not good. Well, I'm reading Dostoevsky right now and he's made me a Russophile.

You're liking it, I'm sure. Otherwise, why would you?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's converted me. I'm just 100% Russia right now. There's nothing I can do about it.

Well, shame. It is an interesting time to decide which side you're on.

No, I don't think he's going to pick a side.

It's culture.

He's not picking a side. He's not picking a side in the evil war.

It was just a joke. Then I found out you're Ukrainian. I'm like, oh, that's not—

Well, I grew up in Ukraine. But I speak Russian and my wife is from Ukraine and we speak Russian to each other. And we have a 1-year-old that we're teaching Russian. So all of this, we're just hoping that this thing will blow over at some point. And—

So how does the name thing work? Because I noticed there's like 3 names for everybody. There's like a pet name.

Yeah.

There's like a formal son of—

Father's name in the middle. So it would be my dad's name would be— so it would be Ivanovich if your dad's Ivan. It would be like Yakov Ivanovich and then the last name.

So did you have like a pet name though? Like a nickname too?

No, no. Well, my mom would call me like Yasha. There you go. Instead of Yakov, right? But not— yeah, that's not normal.

So I was reading that book and everyone has 3 names. There's like the Ovich name, there's the Asha like pet name, and then there's like one more. Yeah, just like first name kind of thing.

But most, most of the time it's your name, your given name, then your father's name, and it ends on -ich or whatever that— Ivanovich, Petrovich, whatever.

Kevinovich.

And then your last name. That's normal. And, uh, yeah, it's confusing. When I came to America, I just chose not to, not to have that.

Drop the bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're reading this, the bitch fell off. You like that, Nate?

Well, nice.

Well, as you saw, we're going through some struggles here. The guys are down bad. Nate flicked off Joe Rogan yesterday.

Yeah.

What happened?

He, he made a mistake.

Mistaken identity.

He gave the middle finger to the boss last night, which is—

I might be cooked. I, uh, I thought it was Tony. I thought I saw him come out from the back. I thought his car was Tony's car. So I was just giving what I thought was Tony double middle fingers standing in front of the car.

Oh, so you're gunning for the vice president.

Me and the vice president are cool. So I could get away with that with the vice president. I don't know the pres. The pres have only spoken a couple of times.

Double middle fingers. Crazy.

Double birds and Roguies.

He's probably about to get out the car, beat the shit out of him.

He was literally just showing us he could do roundhouse kicks still. He was just amped up.

I saw the cop, like, once I noticed what was happening, I saw the cop that was like watching him leave, like, had the, he was like, had that alert, like, what the fuck is that?

You lucky you didn't get tackled.

Yeah, I was about to get shot from down the street.

Dude, I—

there was also hitting splits in the green room last night. It was so funny.

The splits are wild.

Rogan was like, I can still do the splits.

That's awesome.

Because there was a rumor that they, uh, that, uh, David Lucas could do splits.

Interesting.

And I said, I don't believe it.

Yeah.

And then Rogan immediately was like, I can, and did it. And then while he was on the ground doing a split, David Jolly walked in. I was like, what the fuck's going on in here? It's a wonderful night.

I, I used to be able to do this Kazatsky dance, you know, with the Oh, yeah. With the kicks. Yeah. And so now in the show, if I— because I have a theater in Branson, so there's more like a variety. So I do standup stuff, but I also do some funny stuff. So I have like dancers in the show and then I come out and I sit on a little stool that they don't see and I go like this and people just love it.

That's wonderful.

Then I get up and turn around and there's a stool back there, you know? Yeah.

It's like kind of rocks.

What's the name of that dance?

Kazatsky.

Kazatsky dance.

Yeah. Kazakh. Kazakhstan.

Is that where they're doing it?

No. Uh, uh, Kazakhs were the soldiers.

Yeah.

The soldiers. And they used to—

Do you also like drop it? I've noticed they'll drop it low on that too. Like they'll be kicking and—

Yeah. I used to.

I used to. I like when they drop it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's fun when they drop it low.

It is very cool. They drop it low. There's some spinning going on sometimes.

It's very exciting stuff.

Is that reserved for like an occasion, or is that just like you— if you're on the dance floor, you break it out? Or is that like a formal kind of thing?

We didn't— well, I didn't know.

Like, if you're busting out the Kozatsky, could I go to a club and just fucking—

Well, when, when you're capable to do it, it's like doing splits, you know? It's like, really? Yeah, it's, it's not an easy thing to do, and And you watch those guys that they can do spinning and jumping up and doing splits up in the air.

So you got to get like your legs straight up in the air. I used my leg for that one. I used my arm. I'm like, I'm going to kill that too.

Yeah.

I'd be in the hospital before I—

Dang.

Yeah.

Before— no, I would be. Yeah.

But you can break— if you can do it, break it out. It's like the worm, basically.

Yeah, weddings.

It was glorious battles. Yeah, yeah, a few, few glasses of vodka and dancing.

That honestly sounds awesome.

Yeah, it is awesome.

Getting hammered and just, just kicking like crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

There's one thing I did enjoy about the Red Army, the dance. It's a fun thing. I feel like if the Germans had had a fun dance, maybe People would have been like, these guys are kind of cool.

Yeah, they would not.

But they said no dance.

What's that?

They just, they just, they had no—

they had that—

they weren't— they kind of crip walk. They kind of crip walk.

They got the goose step. Yeah, some countries still hold down. North Korea still rocks a goose step. You go, that's pretty sick. When everyone, the whole—

from a military drill perspective, just from visual perspective, for sure.

Military aesthetics, nothing else.

Can I actually— I want to run something by you.

Yeah, I—

this is for everybody. I saw this thing, uh, a couple days ago, and I, I think this is a, a new development in like ultra-white behavior. You know, when your dog poops, you grab a dog poop bag, right?

Pick up the poop.

Yeah, the guy was squatted down next to his dog holding the bag open while the dog shit into the bag. And I just wanted to say right now, I hope that's not a new trend because that would— it was so, so disturbing. It was so disturbing to watch.

What did this guy look like? Give me a description.

Just— it's like one of those— it's like an ultra white. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like someone who's—

How old?

Probably like 60s. Like it's like a fleece, like a fleece vested kind of soft-handed white. Uh, I don't know if I had— probably like some shit with a carabiner on it if I had to guess. Like probably some cargos maybe.

Harris voter?

Undeniably so.

I gotta be honest, that screams Harris voter.

It was a Harris voter. They need to talk about that, man. It was an establishment Democrat for sure.

It was definitely— it's about as damn as it gets.

Like 10 pins on your back just holding a bag for your dog to shit in was like, I'd rather you leave it there. Just leave it and walk away. I really did. I'd rather you leave that and me be like, motherfucker, than watch that and be like, whoa, dude, why are you doing that? What if it has diarrhea?

That's what I've been thinking. How do you— how do you catch that? Yeah.

Dude, it was— my older dogs will kind of scoot a little bit too, so you had to— it was— I couldn't believe what I saw. So I'm hoping that stops now.

Yeah, yeah.

Was it a trash bag or like— it was a dog poop bag, the tiny little bag.

Yeah, okay.

He was just holding a tiny little dog bag around the rim, right next to the— right, right on the crater, just, you know, down a little bit. He had to drop—

Screamed at him.

Dude, I should have— I should have been like, hey, I should have beaten them up.

You should have fought him.

So this is— this is a good job for like a robot to go behind the dog.

Yeah, you're exactly right.

And that way nobody's upset.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Dog shit robot, you might be on to a billion-dollar idea. I've been trying to make money off of dog shit for a while. I have, because like you got to think, it has to break down into something that's worth some, you know, I think they— it off-gasses. There's all this dog shit. I'm so serious. I mean, it was like all this dog shit is getting just thrown in these bags and trapped in plastic, and it's like there's got to be some quality within dog shit that you can— like, it's like whey protein, ethanol, something, man.

You want the gas?

I want to— I want to corner the dog shit market and turn it into a million dollars.

I mean, you might be—

I've been thinking about this a lot.

So I still like it for a Cossack. I'll celebrate with a coffee. If you do this, I'll get in enough shape, I'll get stem cells in my knees, I'll hit it.

So this is why it's called Secret Podcast, right?

No one can know about it. Yeah, no one can know about it because if somebody gets wind of Matt's dogshit idea—

True.

They're gonna take advantage of it. Elon Musk might be listening right now, dude.

Please.

Could fuel his rockets.

Oh, true.

There's got to be some use of all that dog shit? Can't— apparently it doesn't work as fertilizer because that was my first line of thought.

Well, the bag would not work.

The bag—

well, they say they're, they're compostable, some of the bags, but I've looked into the fertilizer and they're like, yeah, I could be carrying some nasty, you know, I don't know. I don't know why a cow's shit would be—

You were looking into it?

Dude, for sure. I've looked into it deeply. It's always me walking dog shit to my, uh, out of my garage to my thing, and I'm like, Is there an industrial application? I forget it. Whatever Grok says, I'm like, I forget. But yeah, stay tuned.

Yeah.

What do you—

The robot picking it up.

Robot's great.

Now you're sitting just cleaning it up as a robot.

Just— that could just be a form of getting it to you.

Yeah, you could use those, you know, those robots that carry like food orders.

Yeah.

When there's no order in between orders, they could go and just vacuum dog shit and have it in a separate compartment than your food. Which would be a good deterrent for the people kicking those things over.

too.

Every once in a while you go, I was actually carrying dog vomit. Vomit's gotta have something. We gotta get vomit going too.

Gotta be some stem cells.

How about cum?

Dog cum will be—

dog cum could be very valuable and lucrative.

Probably. There's got to be like B12 in it, probably. Do you have any dogs?

I, I had the dog for a while. I had them in the show. Um, It was part of this skit. And then I had him for about a year.

He's a working dog.

Huh?

He's a working dog.

Yeah, it was kind of half and half. He was supposedly a pet and part of the show. And it was a Shih Tzu and a poodle, so called him Shit Poo. So it was a cute little dog, but I realized that I didn't have enough patience for that.

You'd hit him.

And then so I— when I was on the road, I felt guilty that he was alone. And so I would put him into dog motel. And I realized that I was spending more money on a dog than me staying in a nice motel. So the lady who owned the motel said, why don't we co-parent this dog? And I said, great.

Yeah.

So she took him and that was it.

That's great.

I visited him a couple of times. He was running the motel. He's really cute, so he would sit on her desk and greet people. And it was really— so it worked out really nice.

Nice. There's a happy story.

Well, the mayor got rid of his dog. The way him and his family got rid of their dog is they took the dog to the park and they threw the ball and then got in their car and drove away.

You serious?

I'm dead serious.

And the dog is still with the balls.

It's probably in a dog motel.

Literally one of the most heartbreaking— did you just wipe your fucking hand on the chair after you ate a chicken finger?

No, I just—

I was getting it up. Oh, you had already spilled?

Yeah.

Sorry about it. I didn't mean to actually get upset with you, but that genuinely would have made me angry that I— you wiped ketchup on the fucking chair.

That's crazy.

That would have actually— I would have been truly mad. I would have been like, dude, you gotta leave.

I just talked to a storm chaser, um, Reed Timmer, I believe his name. He had a, uh, he's the guy who has the tank who goes into tornadoes. He had a dog that would do storm chases with him. That's what I said.

I was like, well, that dog's name Toto. It's a little Wizard of Oz joke. They're gonna get it in Russia soon.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, I was like, well, that's got to be crazy for a dog. They don't like, like, light thunder. I was like, that dog in that tornado must have been bugging. He was like, yeah, he was actually pretty scared.

You'd be—

it was called the Dominator. It's just like giant. It's an F-350. Dominator is awesome. It's an F-350 that just anchors down into the ground and it just like— it's like bulletproof glass. You can go inside of the swirl. Not an F-5, obviously, but you can go down and just be inside of a tornado, and then they launch rockets up into it to like study the wind pattern or something.

The guy saw Twister.

Yeah, pretty much.

The guy saw Twister and was like, I'll do that. I'll do that. That's crazy. I mean, that was actually— I think the name of it was Toto.

Really?

The— yeah, I was— I loved that movie. It was Twister.

Did you like Twister?

Twister was good.

I guess.

Did you see Waterworld?

Huh?

Did you see Waterworld?

Waterworld. Kevin Costner.

I, I, I remember that flop.

Yeah, I loved it.

I thought it was sick. Yeah, the smokers. The what?

The smokers. That's who they were fighting.

Is that the guy?

They all remember smoke cigs, the bad guys. What? Yeah.

Dang. I just remember my Uncle Neil took us to saw it, and I think you see Kevin Costner's butt in the movie. You see his butt.

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I was 26 when I, when I left, uh, the Soviet Union. So I lived all, all my life in communal apartments with my parents sharing the room. So basically that was my, my life. So I never—

So when you hear people talk about how cool communism is, what are your thoughts?

Well, it's a good question because I'm curious because I never lived under communism.

If you don't know any better, it's— that's the way people live. So some people live just a little bit better. than others, but you get used to it. Yeah, no, I grew up no phone, no car, 9 families in 1 apartment, 1 bathroom, kitchen shared between all those 9 families, 1 stove, and you have a schedule like when you can cook.

Yeah.

And God forbid you cook longer, then other people get really upset and you can have lead pipe in your soup, you know, just for flavor, you know. So, but you don't know any better. You just live like that.

Yeah.

And in my case, you know, I was lucky that I kind of discovered comedy because I wasn't good in sports. I wasn't good, you know, in studying. And but I was good in making people laugh, getting in trouble and, and still keep doing it. And, and so that's what got me.

Yeah. Yeah. How did stand-up start in the Soviet Union? When were they doing that?

Well, in my— normally there was like 2 stand-up comedians in the whole country that approved by the government.

It's awesome.

So they can be on television, they can be on the radio. And so we're doing that for a few years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did that for like— yeah, for like 8 years in the United States.

I don't— yeah, I don't think there's anything close to that.

It's kind of like that.

No, no, no.

We all share an apartment with one bathroom.

No, I gotta tell you this, the This was like when I came to America and I was hoping that I can do comedy, but I didn't speak English. But I remember going to—

I'm sorry to stop you. In the Soviet Union, would any of the people in the communal apartment leave dishes in the communal sink? Because that would be a beating.

Yeah.

There was a lot of challenges. Dishes. Dishes was not one of them.

Dishes was not a challenge.

No, they're clear saying they cleaned up and dried.

Even then, even Soviet Russia.

Wow.

They would, they would—

Are you hinting on someone?

So if you had been really good at sports though, would you get like a different apartment or would you still be locked in?

You would still be in same situation. You would probably have more opportunities like going outside the country, like representing the Soviet Union. Comedians were not sent out to represent the Soviet Union. So you would have like, if you're a ballet dancer or opera singers, those were— they were pride of—

Oh, damn. You guys weren't proud of your comedian? They weren't proud of the comedians?

No. Well, if you were approved by the Communist Party, then you were an asset to them. And then so what would happen in each apartment, there would be a speaker that was connected to like the whole— and they were on all the time. So on Sunday mornings, they would broadcast a comedy skit that were approved by the government. And so I would record that like pick recorder and I would record that thing and I would memorize it because there was no writers. So there was no— it wasn't like you were stealing because there was nothing allowed. So, but this was allowed. So then I was able to memorize it very quickly and then would tell my friends and they would laugh. And it was kind of like an impression. They knew where I got it. It was— everybody heard it. It wasn't like I was, you know, and but it gave me a chance to be popular with my friends, and that's what encouraged that.

Damn, there's something kind of bleak about that though. You're just memorizing like state propaganda. That was the only thing you're allowed to do, which is what you— I get it, that's the only thing that was there, but that's like pretty wild.

And I got— you, you're conditioned so much. I remember seeing one of the comedians in New York, and he said that Jimmy Carter had a hemorrhoid operation and he will be perfect asshole. And I literally ducked behind the table because I thought somebody is going to shoot him. I swear. I mean, this is how conditioned you were.

Yeah.

Don't say anything against the government. And literally, we had a Department of Jokes that each state— we had 15 states or 15 republics, and each republic had the Minister of Culture that had a Department of Jokes. So if to become a professional comedian, you had to submit your material in writing, all the jokes that you're going to do, and it would be more like vaudeville comedy.

Yeah.

So you're not doing an hour special, you were doing hosting something, few jokes here, few jokes there, and then they would approve it with a stamp.

What, uh, what type of jokes would they approve? You're allowed to like make fun of your wife or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, mother-in-law jokes, uh, stuff.

Racism?

Oh no, no, no, they didn't like racism. No kind— no, you can't do political jokes, you can't do sexual jokes, you can't do religious jokes, you can't do You can talk about fish. I mean, stuff like that, obscure. And those jokes were pretty much like old jokes that everybody was hashing them over so you didn't have to deal with the Communist Party.

Right.

And the informers were everywhere. So you could not just like sneak in a joke because they were watching. So it was pretty— but backstage you would tell jokes about, uh, Khrushchev, Brezhnev. I mean, this was just okay.

I'm surprised it didn't catch on worldwide like they thought.

Do what?

I'm surprised the communist dream didn't catch on worldwide.

Well, I, I'm— you survived. Yeah, I survived in that environment. came here and realized that you can do whatever.

What was that like coming here? And when you first got here and you were just kind of like existing and—

Well, I didn't speak English. So for the interpreter, the guy, you know, was laughing at me at the immigration office. Like he was saying like, what do you want to do in America? And I said, I want to be a Russian comedian. And he started laughing. And I go, why is he laughing? He said, well, it sounds like Amish electrician. And then I see dogs are sniffing my luggage. And I said, what's going on there? And the interpreter said, they're looking for drugs. And I go, I thought in America people are hooked on drugs, but dogs?

Yeah, the dogs.

And they start laughing again.

I'm going, You're killing it.

I'm doing pretty good without even knowing the language. I'm doing good. So that's how— but then I didn't— I was really determined. I knew that I wanted to do it, but I had nobody to kind of— there was no sound. Robin Williams was doing suppression jokes. And people kind of thought that he was Russian. And then they were thinking, oh, you're faking that you're from Russia. All of that stuff was happening for real. And so I figured I got to learn English. And so I got a job as a— went to bartending school because I figured—

Where'd you move to?

New York.

New York.

So I was—

All you knew how to make was the Moscow Mule before that?

That's right.

That would have been a good one, yes. But I had no idea. I'm like— and I go to bartending school on Fifth Avenue and they want $200 for a week or 2-week course to become a mixologist. So I would have a diploma, but I don't speak English. And so I bring that big tape recorder with me and record all the drinks that they're you know, like grasshopper or dry martini, whatever. And then I try it and I get hammered. And yeah, but eventually I got a job and, and it gave me a chance to start talking to and trying my jokes on Americans.

What years?

That was '77.

Whoa.

Yeah, they, uh, when you came to America, how— like, they must have interviewed you a lot, right? Like to come from the Soviet Union to the United States?

No.

The government wasn't allowing you?

Interview like—

Like the government being like, who are you?

Oh, government. Yes, they did. We had to wait in Italy for 3 months to get past. So they didn't want people with Communist Party records or, you know, like a criminal record, Barry Manilow. I joke about that, but they didn't want any of that.

And Lee Harvey Oswald just got right in.

Yeah, it's pretty nuts.

Interesting.

So, and then, and then the interview comes and you think that, you know, CIA is going to like grill you. And I walked into that, uh, and, and the guy's in shorts, kind of, you know, relaxed, kind of going looking at me, going for my papers and going, are you a spy? I go, no. He said, okay, that's fine.

So there you go.

I got in.

Strict security.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so funny.

Tell me, are you a spy?

You have to tell me.

No.

I would tell— I would be honest if I was a spy. That's pretty— so what was it? What was your impression, though, when you came here? And it was— if you were so used to— if that was so normal to be like 9 families in an apartment. When you got here and you had your own spread? Like, where did you move?

Well, you didn't. I mean, at first, at first it was like I, I had a friend, uh, who immigrated before me and she had an apartment and we slept on the floor for, for a while. I came with my parents, so we didn't have any money. Uh, the funny part, how we survived this 3 months in, um, Italy They would allow only so many things to take out of Russia. And there was a list like a camera, a hat, something like that, and $100 a person to exchange. That's it. So we, as kind of a part of this research, was what do we need to take with us so we can sell in Italy? And one of the things was condoms. And because in the Soviet Union, they were like a couple of pennies, and there you could sell them for a dollar. And we heard that, and there was no restrictions on how many condoms you can get. Oh my God. So I would go to all different— and you could— you got to talk to the pharmacist because it wasn't like just pick it up. You got to talk to them. So I would go from one pharmacy to another and just get as many condoms as I could get.

So we got like a suitcase full of— I'm not making this up— full of condoms, and we gave it to my mom. So figured they won't ask her why, you know, whatever.

Yeah.

And so we passed them through and we got to Italy, and my job and their job was on Saturday and Sunday, there was an open market and you go there and you open the suitcase and you sell condoms.

Awesome.

So it was funny because my parents who were very conservative, never seen capitalism, all of a sudden they become this capitalist. So my dad, He said, I'm going to be in charge of advertising. So he starts blowing those up.

The minister of advertising.

Yeah, right. And mom's clever. I mean, and she's as straight as you could be. She translates into Italian, if you don't want to have a kid like this, and points at me, buy a condom. And people would laugh and they would buy it. And that would give us money to, to pay rent for this time and we survived.

That's awesome.

Where's Chernobyl compared to Odessa?

It's about— it's closer to Kyiv. Yeah. So it's probably 60 miles from Kyiv.

And what year was that? Were you there when that happened?

No, no. That blew up right before the Soviet Union collapsed. I believe that that was kind of the last straw that broke the camel's back because Gorbachev did not know. They literally tried to cover it up.

Yeah.

For a long time. And I talked to a— when I visited— so, well, at that point still Soviet Union. No, it was after Soviet Union. I visited, I took my kids to St. Petersburg. And we happened to, through some friends, knew a general who was in charge of covering up Chernobyl. And so, and he said, we tried. So we got all the heavy equipment from all over the country to get there, to bury it, the whole city, the whole thing.

Yeah.

But after it's already been out and the news were out, And, uh, and that was kind of Gorbachev's, you know, end of that. It's interesting, I went and I visited there.

Chernobyl?

Uh-huh. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, it's— and they give you a Geiger counter and there's still— so if you walk on the pavement, no, no problem, just same as in the city. But the moment you like veer off just a little bit into like a grass area Yeah, still there, still there. That was only like 5, 6 years ago when I went.

Jesus.

And but you walk in and there's— it's kind of like a monument to a fallen empire because everything outgrown with trees. And, and so everything— the pictures are still of, you know, all the Soviet politics. All of that was still there. But it's totally a ruin.

How far around it is like unusable, basically, or unlivable now?

I don't think it— the radiation level, if you compare it to just a regular city, it has already just from the sun and all of that. So I would say 20 kilometers maybe around.

Yeah. that they build like a dome over it now. I don't be wrong. Yeah, I think so.

As a museum or—

No, no, like a protection.

Just to protect. Yeah. Well, maybe I shouldn't have gone. Yeah, it's kind of nuts, but I had— I have a 1-year-old now, so I guess it's still okay. Yeah.

She's got 3 arms. I'm great.

Maybe it would help me.

Did you ever see the show Chernobyl?

I did.

It was great, right? I did. It was great.

Yeah, I liked that.

Yeah, you're sitting at the edge of the seat and the music or whatever, that sound that it did.

But I liked the— my favorite part is the Communist Party, like when they have the meeting of all the townspeople and they're like, everything's fine.

Yeah.

And then one guy's like, why is the air glowing? And he's like, shut up.

Yeah.

And then he's like, everything's fine. Then he throws up blood.

Yeah.

Get him out.

Dude, that—

Totally.

That was— what year was that again?

I thought it was—

no, what's that?

I think it was like—

when did the blowout happen? Yeah, it would be '90. It would be— no, '89, or right before the collapse. The collapse was '91. So it was— you're not born— it was— yeah.

Damn. Yeah, that's an epic— that's an epic failure.

No Name's last title. Soviet Union existed. Really?

That's tough, dude.

We'll be back. This is our year. You ready for some college football?

Uh, you gotta get fired up.

Really? It's time. You live in Missouri?

Yeah.

You a Missouri Tiger fan?

Well, I don't follow sports, so—

You gotta follow it.

I should.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, with your background, yes. My background, it's I don't know why grown men bend over and touch each other. I mean, that—

Well, if you put it that way. Well, if you say it's gay, I can't— you know, it's hard to argue.

It's really tough. I didn't say it. You have to make notes.

I just described it. That's all.

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I can instantly— tell me.

Tell me.

If you could get better at anything or something, what would you choose?

Oh man, I, you know, if I could get better at anything, if I can get better at something, it would be— I'm, you know, I would just be better at just kind of like holding my friends.

Holding them?

Yeah. Sometimes my friends are talking to me, you just stand like, you know, apart from them. Why not just hold them?

Embrace when you talk.

Embrace when you talk.

Yeah.

Grab the back of their neck.

That's interesting. I never thought of that. Yeah. Feeling better, feeling better, being better. It's defined differently for everyone. For BetterHelp, it's the help with the better. It's a BetterHelp therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global or yeah, global emotional wellbeing with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. Uh, and, and it's creating a space to help you. Uh, sorry, I can't read any of this. To help you explore what better means to you, sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/MSSP.

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Excellent.

Do you like any sports? Were there any?

No, not really. No, I never got into it. I wasn't good at it. So if I wasn't good, I wasn't—

This guy loves basketball, and you should see him.

Sure.

I might be the worst person to ever touch a basketball, but it is my favorite thing.

He likes to see the men. He likes to see the big men, see what they can do. He cheers for them.

I cheer for them. I wear their shirts.

I said you'd kiss a bunch of the players for them to win a championship this year.

I said I would kiss one.

He said he would mash butts with LeBron James.

I said—

no, I said I would take naked butts and mash them together.

I said I would mash butts with you. You said you would mash butts back.

I mean, I'll mash butts for a couple things.

Butts.

Are you sure he's talking about basketball?

Yeah, well, it's also like, would you rather mash butts or kiss? That's a tough question.

Damn, mashing butts is disgusting.

Mashing butts is disgusting, but it's almost like—

You guys ever do naked mash?

It's a little more— it's a little more clinical. Mash butts quick, you're off. A kiss is pretty intimate.

What do you think's scarier, naked butt mash or kissing?

No tongue, but wet lips.

Do I—

Wet lips.

Yeah, but wet lips.

Those are the only 2 choices that you got.

You gotta pick one. Are you mashing butts or kissing? I, uh, just think you made it out of the Soviet Union to be sitting in Texas someday talking about mashing butts. Yeah, who would have guessed? USA, we won, we won.

We can literally do anything we want.

We can mash butts whenever we want. We can do it.

Mashing butts is our scissoring.

It is.

So what brought you to Missouri?

Branson.

Branson, Missouri. It's a little town that has a lot of theaters, and I didn't know anything about it. And, um, my career kind of went through— um, I, I got canceled, kind of. I did.

What'd you get canceled for?

For the Soviet Union collapsing.

Oh, they blame that on you?

Somehow I got the brunt of that.

Who'd you get canceled by?

Uh, well, officially, uh, Letterman had a top 10 list on the night of the collapse of the Soviet Union and the things that will now change. And I made number 1 on the list, Yakov Smirnoff will be out of work. And I thought it was kind of funny because I was playing Vegas, Atlantic City. I was killing it.

Yeah.

And one joke, what's a big deal, right? And 6 months later, none of my contracts were renewed. Kind of like SNL kind of a thing. It's just like one thing and it's just, you're done.

Yeah.

And, um, and I couldn't, I couldn't find work for 2— and I had 2 little kids at that point, and we were living in a house next to like Tom Hanks and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I mean, we were in Pacific Palisades. $2.5 million home. I'm like going, this American dream rocks. It never will end. This is it. And the mortgage didn't end, but the career did. And so all of a sudden I can't pay my mortgage. And so—

Just change the joke to Russia instead of Soviet Union. Just say Russia instead of Soviet Union.

Nobody cares. Nobody. You know why? You know why?

Talking shit.

I realized later on, and this was something that took me years to figure out, that I was meeting the need that America had. America— the Soviet Union was a pain in the butt to America. I was like Preparation H. I was like, you know, Soviet Union change. You were living the butt mash. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Now we're connecting it. Yes, yes.

Russia and America finally butt mashed and there was no more market.

Tore down the wall. Everyone, there's East and West Germany. It was great.

So that sucks.

But when the itching and the swelling goes away, you don't need preparation H. So that's kind of what happened. I was like, put it aside and, and literally couldn't find— even going back to clubs were not, uh, nobody. It was like you're who cares? Yeah, Soviet Union is not there, who cares? So then it was also—

was that around when the comedy bubble itself burst? Well, it wasn't like— it wasn't huge in the '80s, and then like '90s it kind of dipped, or am I wrong about that?

Yeah, I think you, you might be right. Timing might have been similar to that. And then I remember I was telling my agent, you know, what do I do? And he goes, well, Willie Nelson is doing this concert in Ames, Iowa, and they won't pay anything, but he needs a co-host. Would you want to go to Ames, Iowa? And I go, farmers would not know who I am. Why would I? But I had no choice, so I went. And it was— I did my set and they gave me a standing ovation. It was like, Holy shit, this is pretty cool. And then I want to say goodbye to Willie Nelson. This is where I opened the door at his tour bus and the smoke comes out and he goes through the smoke. He goes, Yaakov, you did great. You should go to Branson. They'll love you there. And I go, what's Branson? And so I went, and in Branson, they didn't know that the Soviet Union collapsed.

Oh, nice.

So I got 33 years out of that. I own 2,000-seat theater, and I entertain over 6 million people there.

Awesome.

So it, in some ways, being canceled worked for me. So that's—

So you're in the theater business?

Well, I really— it's just my theater where I— when I got there, it was not easy. I rented it and I— first show, I'm thinking, well, I'll do well there. 17 people showed up. So it was started to, oh my goodness, 2 little kids, what am I going to do?

Now they must love you in Branson.

Now, well, it took a little while, but they do. And so it became— so I did 400 shows a year. I would just do show after show.

Was it you performing or you were throwing in plays?

Just me.

Damn. So you just—

First just me. And then it became because they like more variety. So I added some dancers and sketches and things like that. But mostly it was me.

That's awesome.

Now I kind of, you know, I do only like 30 shows a year. And this is where I, for the first time, really come back and kind of put my foot in the water, go, do they still know who I am? And then, you know, Kill Tony, you know, Tony says to me, sure, I'd love to have you as a celebrity judge. And all of a sudden it's like— and yesterday I was like, I felt like I was an ugly duckling walking into the swan lake, honestly going, are they going to kill me or are they going to just accept me?

Of course.

Well, of course, in your mind, your mind plays tricks. It's like you go, I don't know. I'm sure when you went back, you know, on Saturday Night Live, it was like, What's going to happen here, you know? Yeah. So, hmm. Yeah, that's interesting.

I still feel that way whenever I go to any— yeah, any other club.

For sure.

I'll go back to the Cellar and be like, they hate me.

They hate me now.

I'll go anywhere though. I go to the store, I'm like, fucking LA, they hate me. Then you hang out with them for 10 minutes, you're like, all right, I like LA.

Yeah.

Any club I go into, I'm like, I hate everyone here. Well, also, luckily, somebody says hi and you go, hey, how are you? Yeah, thank you.

I love your stuff.

Yeah.

Luckily, there's plenty of political strife again with Russia.

So what was that?

There's a lot of political strife with Russia right now too. So yeah, could be another harvest season.

Yeah. Yeah, I try. I— after— I feel like after that whole thing happened in the '90s, I feel like I developed like— I had like PTSD from going into a political direction.

Right.

So I I started and I was going through divorce and I realized that this is a lot more job security talking about men and women, Cold War, it will never end.

Yeah.

So I just doubled down on that. I got— I literally, while I was doing shows in Branson, I got my master's degree in psychology at UPenn because I wanted to research laughter. And here's what triggered it. It was like a realization that when the relationship starts, everybody laughs. And then when it's over, the only people laughing are the attorneys, and you're like crying, literally. So I was like, I started asking my audience, I go, let me ask you, how many of you, when you fell in love, remember laughter being part of that? And they all, yeah. And then I go, how many of you would go on a second date if you didn't have laughter? Silence. Oh, there's something here.

All those guys are lying, by the way.

She's hilarious. God, she's funny. And you fuck her, you go, I don't get it. I don't get the— what's the punchline?

Well, but that was in Branson, so it's different.

What? All right, so if you studied— what were you studying?

Like, psychology.

What the fuck is laughter?

How about that? The relief of psychic tension.

Yeah, but why does it come out like that?

I just remember hearing that somewhere.

I had a feeling you'd know.

It's a perceived threat that gets—

Well, yeah, I, I, I was going after deeper. There's a lot of understanding of laughter as an element of surprise. All of those things are correct. But I was going for a route. My dad was an engineer and inventor, so my brain is like, what is it? What is it?

Yeah.

I want to understand why there's laughter in the beginning of the relationship and why there isn't later on. And it's not just relationship with your wife, or it's the same with the children, the same with your co-workers, the same. So I was looking for what's that common denominator, what is it? And so I did my dissertation, and then I went to Pepperdine and got my doctorate degree because I want to continue figuring this out. And the dissertation is online, you can— 190 pages of No jokes at all. I mean, it's like serious research. And so the dissertation is called Law of Laughter, LOL. That's the only joke they allowed me on the COVID That's it.

Pretty good one.

And so what it boiled down to, and that's what explained to me my success in America, not just because I was hardworking, I had talent, all of that, but the main thing that got me on the level that I never imagined making movies and doing all was that there was a need. America needed relief from that crazy tension that— So Brezhnev and Khrushchev with the shoe, and we will bury you. All of that. America lived in that. And here I show up and I'm like, we're afraid of this? And that's what got me to get on The Tonight Show, all of those things. And then I realized, so I was meeting the need. And that's what happens in the beginning of the relationship. You do everything to meet her needs. She's doing everything to meet your need, whatever the needs are. And, and then the humor triggers the laughter. That's it. So if the need is not met, you're screwed. And then the end of the relationship, normally you're saying, I'm not meeting her need, I'm done, or vice versa.

Yeah, because I've noticed me and Lamare have stopped sharing giggles.

Dr. Smirnoff, could you— Dr. Smirnoff, can you please diagnose these two? I feel like their love is fizzling out.

Their love has fizzled.

My love with Lemire has fizzled. It's not as funny. At first I go, oh, Lemire, he just wiped ketchup on the chair after eating a chicken finger during the podcast. And I would go, now I go, what the fuck was that? Oh, he left the dishes. I'm having people for dinner. Who cares? Now I go, what the fuck are you doing? Stop jacking off in the office.

Or what about a relationship of years where maybe the laughter has died, but then the wife falls on the floor and you go, yeah, because that never gets old.

Then the need was met.

True.

Yeah, if she just—

if you—

yeah, you could marry a clumsy bitch. Yeah, and you're gonna laugh for the rest of your life until she takes a header off the fucking porch and you get— you get blamed.

That's cool you went back to school for psychology. So what do you do with that? You just kind of— you just sit on the doctorate?

Well, at first I kind of had similar True.

Yeah, I'm a master. I have a master's in social work.

Okay, so at first I thought I'll, I'll go into that relationship arena, uh, do TED Talks maybe. Uh, I did a PBS special called Happily Ever Laughter, but then I realized I'm splitting myself, that, you know, I believe that comedy is really what I want to do. But I was doing it to fit, to meet the need. And then I realized that most people don't want to change their— whatever their pattern is in a relationship. You can spend all your life trying to help them, but they don't. So I use that in my show. I use a lot of material, men-women differences, my wife, telling stories about my wife, me. And that's basically incorporated what I learned. into my stand-up.

Nice.

So that was at Drexel, by the way. I went to Drexel right next to Penn.

Yeah, we used to live— did you go to Penn?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we lived right there. We lived in University City in Philadelphia.

It's— he and I lived together. It's a beautiful campus. I, I loved it.

That is nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Drexel's ugly. Drexel's— it was literally voted— I went to Drexel right next to Penn. It was voted one of the ugliest campuses in America.

You should see Harrisburg Area Community College. I went from very nice schools at first, and then literally Harrisburg Area Community College in West Chester, both of them look like Soviet— the architecture is Soviet block.

That's why I liked it. That's why it felt at home. I felt right at home.

Oh, there's only 3 windows.

Yeah. Yeah, they got some rough—

you know, the fucking AT&T building.

At least they have like grass. Drexel's no grass, it's just concrete. And it was run by Greeks for a while, so they got this idea to put like giant, almost an amphitheater thing in the middle of like a paver. Oh yeah, horrible. Yeah, Drexel was Greek run for a long time.

Hack was right next to the farm show complex and a bunch of fucking train tracks. It was tough, dude. I feel like it was always cloudy when I was there. That was a dark period.

Yeah, that's a tough one. Although you, you definitely probably felt like boy genius at the—

I did.

HAC.

Yeah.

That's all— it's really nice. Community college, you can go—

Wait a second, I am smart.

Smart as hell.

Yeah, that's a good feeling.

So I'm curious about your coming back to SNL. The, the, the set, you were pretty— I mean, you were pretty set on that set, right? I mean, it was— you weren't winging it there.

No.

It was because solid. It was great.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Um, no, I mean, I was winging it a little at the beginning, just being like— I was like, how do I address getting fired? And I thought about it for a while of like what to say, and I was like, should I fucking tell him to fuck you? Yeah. Like, why would I ever do that? Yeah, double birds to Rogan.

But I love that you, you had your your family there.

Yeah, yeah.

That was a great setup. It was like, I'm going, oh man, he thought it through.

No, that was last second.

No, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I knew they were coming, but I was like, can we— because I didn't even think to ask if I could get them on camera. And then when we were doing rehearsal, I was like, could we get a camera? Because I was like, where are they going to be sitting? And they showed me and I was like, can we put a camera on them?

Yeah, perfect.

Then I didn't tell them that they were going to be on camera.

That's so funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that was nice. That was a nice moment. Mom and dad held hands.

That's really sweet.

I was like, goddamn, this is like the sweetest moment of my life.

Their needs were being met.

Yeah, kid's not a loser.

Yeah, look at that.

We didn't waste our time because there was a good 30 years before that where they were like, oh goddamn, this kid sucks.

It's got to be so nice to be like, holy fuck.

Yeah.

But then I'm up there like, my dad's fucking gay. Get a camera on him, pussy. Still, yeah, this is nice.

Yeah, it's so fucking funny. Gay bitch.

Yeah, my dad's on TV just like, yeah, okay. Yeah, all right, that's great.

You should be proud.

But then at the— yeah, I remember at the after-party he was sitting at a table It was just him, Lorne Michaels, and Mike Myers.

Yeah, that's awesome.

In a booth just drinking. Phil was holding court. I was like, damn, this is good.

Yeah.

Yeah. You can imagine what my parents thought when I wanted to do stand-up in Soviet Union. You can imagine that.

They're probably like, don't tell anyone.

Insane.

Yeah.

You are— are you crazy? Totally crazy. Yeah. But here we are.

It worked out.

Here we are.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah. How did they feel? They probably said no, right?

Oh, are you kidding? No. For years. Yeah. I started when I was 15 in the community. It was community college or trade school. I was— they kind of forced me to go to become a refrigeration mechanic because comedy, are you kidding? And I was doing amateur comedy there. And then I went to military and 2 years and I was kind of doing amateur stuff there. And then I came back and And I'm going, I don't want to do comedy. They said, no, no, you got to. So I got my bachelor's in art, and that's another thing that I do. So they said, at least this is not comedy.

Yeah.

Because again, going through the— they knew how difficult it would be to pass those Communist Party people and all that. And so in college, I was just doing it again as an amateur. But, and then later on—

Where do you do it as an amateur though? Where would you do it?

In the club, like in school there would be a club and there would be every, uh, like May Day or Revolution Day, they would do some kind of a concert.

Are you guys still working on that calendar that was like completely cut off from the regular calendar?

Well, regular, like what do you mean?

Didn't they split the calendar? Didn't they take all the religious stuff out of the calendar? And I think that was France actually did that.

Well, they changed like, you mean Christmas like into New Year's, right?

Is that how they did?

Yeah, they did. They saved the tree, but it was New Year's, not Christmas. Gotcha. And it was Santa Claus, it wasn't Santa Claus, it was Father Frost. Father Frost? Yeah, and that's how, and you know, and yeah, it's—

Nothing can stop the tree.

Obviously, a Christmas tree is too cool.

Christmas tree rules.

But they didn't, you know, we didn't even know that they were—

They took the Christ out of Christmas, basically. They took the Christ out of Christmas.

There you go. Absolutely. There was no— religion was totally not allowed. You could not even say the word God in school. You would be expelled.

You said gosh?

At those days, yeah.

Gosh.

I didn't try. I didn't try. So that was my reality. And so we doing this, comedy thing. And then I get an offer to go on the cruise ship to do like stand or master of ceremonies, like an assistant cruise director.

Like the Black Sea or what?

On the Black Sea. Yeah. So I was— and so they liked me. And this is a cool thing that happened there. So I go there and they don't— they said, we won't pay you, but you get your cabin. You get a cabin.

Universal. That's pretty universal. They did that here to everybody starting out.

Well, I was like, yeah, I'll be— I'll have my own room for like a week. Holy cow, that was amazing. And the bathroom for myself.

Odessa is there, right? Right there on that little—

Right.

What's it called? The peninsula or the—

Well, it's near Crimea.

Yeah, Crimea.

Yeah, but it's a little bit more south. So, but that's where the cruise ships go out of and they go around.

Submarines.

Huh?

I don't know why I'm naming things I know about Odessa.

No, that's not Odessa.

They have like a lot of submarines.

Sevastopol.

That's right. That's the Crimea. It's a little bit farther south from that.

So— I thought you were saying the cruise ship was a submarine.

No, but that's very funny.

Red October cruise ship. Yeah, there you go. You can do comedy there.

So you're the master of ceremonies, you're the MC of the—

So I was emceeing, and this is— and how, because I didn't speak English or any other language, they had a lot of tourists from different countries. So you would have Czechoslovakians, you would have Polish, you would have Germans, Americans, Australians, whatever. And I— my job was to do like games with them, you know, do some kind of Miss Cruise or you know, competition. Like, yeah.

Hottest chick?

Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh boy, I was 24 years old.

Yes.

And they let me— it's like they let me into—

Anyone could enter into the running for Miss Cruise?

Yeah, yeah. It was pretty much up to me. And they gave me an interpreter so I could talk to them for the first time, to those—

yeah.

Oh boy, I have Yeah, it was really adventurous and fun.

That's awesome.

And Russian women are a lot more conservative. And, you know, they're not like— they weren't like the hottest women in this Roman Empire.

Trump would disagree.

Who would disagree?

Donald Trump.

He loves Russian women.

He likes those women.

Well, now, yeah.

Yeah.

But in those days, oh, big, burly. They were— They were all— no, they were nice. They were nice, beautiful women.

Sturdy.

But they were standing behind those big burly women, so you never saw them.

Right.

But, but here, all of a sudden, I have women who are from the Western culture, and they're like, they know things about sex and that we never even heard of, you know, even though It's universal, but boy, you were so far ahead, or they were so far ahead.

Blowjobs.

Yeah, yeah.

Titty fucking.

Yeah.

Titty fucking.

Titty fuck.

I was learning. I, I had to learn all of this.

Really?

So all of a sudden I'm in this environment and I'm getting to know—

You gotta bring your interpreter in.

You gotta tell her I'm about to fuck the boss.

Tell her this doesn't happen too much.

What should I do with it?

Tell me where. Tell her.

Tell her. So that was exciting to be there. All of a sudden, I was allowed something that I totally couldn't imagine. And so then the cruise comes to the end and They said, would you like to go again? I said, well, would it be possible to get my parents a cabin as well? Because they'd never been on a cruise and stuff. And the Communist Party boss who controls that whole company or the whole Black Sea Cruise Line, and there's only one cruise line.

Yeah.

He says, who do you think you are that you're going to request something? We have hundreds of people like you. Get out of here. And so I was like, oh shoot. Well, I tried but didn't work out. So I go home and I tell my parents that it's not going to happen. And it's like in the morning we have no phone and all of a sudden this messenger comes an hour later and he has 2 sets of tickets for me and my parents.

It turns out there were not any other— there's no one else.

No, no, no. There was more kind of an interesting twist because— so what happened, so we obviously got excited, we go, and I said to a cruise director, I said, what happened? I never heard of them going back on their word because once they say it, it's over. And they said, oh, well, you see, these ships are rented by European cruise companies during like 9 months out of the year. And we go, the captain and the crew goes to those places. Could be Britain, could be whatever they needed. And she said, we learned that if somebody is essential, then they should get more than an average person. The captain, he said, liked you. He said, even if you need to give him my cabin, I want him on the ship. I went like, wait, wait. You just told me that if you are more talented, you will get more stuff. And they go, dangerous idea. Yeah. And I was like, and we're— I said, Mom, Dad, we gotta start.

We gotta start being talented. What the fuck?

So how'd you know the captain? What was your interact— that's— have the captain's blessings and honor, especially on the craft.

Captain would just come to watch the shows.

That's awesome.

That's it. And I— and I didn't speak those languages, so my mom was very conservative. She's going to be watching the show and be like, no shit.

Fuck, I got to be driving this thing. You hear an alarm go off, you go, oh, shit. This guy's so fucking funny.

So my mom watched me perform in front of people who didn't speak my— I didn't speak their language because she always thought that I wasn't very smart and I couldn't do well. I didn't do well in school. So it was like, how is he going to go to another country and learn the language? And he's so dumb that he thinks that he can do comedy in that language. All of that stuff was in the back of her mind. And here she's watching me do it and watching those people laughing, and they don't understand even what I'm saying. But I guess my timing and facial expressions and then whatever their interpreters tell them, Whatever it is, it worked. And then at that point she said, you know, you, you may have an international comedy career. I was like, wow, really, Mom? And that's when we started.

Oh, that's awesome.

Yeah, my mom told me to become a teacher when I was—

I had a club owner. I had a club owner. I bombed so bad, he sat me down. He was like, what do you go to school for? And I was like, history teaching. And he was like, you should do that. I was like, damn. So that's what fueled—

yeah, really, that's what fueled the escape, basically. That's when you guys—

That gave us a chance. And Jimmy Carter was at that time wanted to get some, um, um, Russians were starving there. There was no food and they needed some wheat. And so they made the deal. So if you show human rights in Soviet Union, then you can let some people out. We will give you some wheat. So we were basically exchanged for some grain.

It's a good deal.

Yeah. I salute every time I see a Wonder Bread truck. I go, hey, you never know.

One hot commodity for another. Uh, he said one hot commodity for another.

He's saying you and the wheat. Oh yeah, hot commodities.

Yeah, America. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm very grateful for that.

That's awesome. And that's what allowed you guys to just head on?

That's what allowed— well, it took still— they, they didn't want people to leave, uh, even though they— so they would put a lot of challenges in front of you. One of them was that if young person applies to leave, they have to take their parents with them. Most older people would not take that chance. And my dad wanted to get out of there years before my mom ever imagined that. My dad knew it. He was like, He was telling my— I remember I was maybe like 7, and we're in this little apartment in one room, and I wake up in the middle of the night and I hear my dad listening to these huge radios, and he's sitting there with his ear to the radio. And I go, Dad, what are you listening to? And he goes, shh. Don't let neighbors hear us. This is the Voice of America.

Whoa.

And they would jam the signal during the day, but at nighttime they didn't think anybody was listening, so they didn't jam it. And so he would get up and he was like— so now I'm listening to it with him. And so, and, you know, it's like the voice, give me your tired, your hungry, and your poor. And I'm like going, I'm qualified for this.

And so that's how What about, uh, I mean, what about, uh, how did you guys feel about JFK?

We— it was used obviously as propaganda immediately, uh, as look what they do in, in America, they kill their presidents, you know. So they, they used everything as propaganda. They used the Charlie Chaplin movies we've watched. That's the only American we saw. And so there was always that villain and, and this poor guy who's getting beat up by the police. And that's America, you know?

Yeah.

So they—

Was your dad in the military?

During the Second World War?

Yes.

Yeah.

Dang, that's crazy.

Yeah.

Sheesh. That's very wild.

Did he see, like, was he in battle?

He— I think he was smarter than that.

Yeah.

I think he was in the chemical warfare, which was smart enough because they never— it never— it was kind of stupid because you don't know which way the wind is going to go. Yeah. So if you—

Damn.

Right.

World War I, they found that out.

Yeah.

Yeah. So he went into and he got into that. So he was, uh, in charge of like having all this, uh, gas masks and all of that. So he didn't get hurt. Um, and, um, yeah.

So damn, that's wild. Well, I think we're—

we did it.

Yeah.

Any final— any final thoughts?

That was it.

Oh, we did.

We're just talking.

I thought Are you gonna start rolling?

That was great.

Any final thoughts? Um, thank you for having me.

Thank you.

And, um, I, you know, I don't know if, um, do I— can I plug stuff?

Oh, absolutely.

Sure. Okay, so I'm going on tour.

Awesome.

Uh, I am on tour. I'm starting September 6th in Oklahoma City at the Breakdown Comedy Club. And then after that, you can go on yakov.com and all my dates are there. And I hope— it's the first time I'm kind of getting out of Branson bubble, so I'm hoping that people will come.

I think people will come.

I hope so.

We'll plug the thing too, and they'll be able to click your website.

Oh, cool. Very cool. So thanks for having me, and Thank you.

Yeah, thanks for coming. That was awesome.

Thank you.

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