Transcript of Giggling about an emergency press conference

Sup, gigglers?

Gary, fix the Wi-Fi.

Manifest that shit.

We can't be managed. I mean, the day just got away from me.

You guys, I have to have an emergency press conference right now. I can't believe this is happening. I cannot.

No, I—

believe.

I'm in shock.

I've been going through something and it's not funny. And it's— and it's not funny.

It hasn't been funny. I haven't laughed about it once.

Paige has been getting a kick out of my life, which, you know what, if that's the one joy that we get out of this, I'll just let it— I'll let it— I'll let it fly. I'll let— I'll let it go. This is me now. This is me.

This is the equivalent of like your friend mispronounces a word forever for the rest of your guys, and it's not funny. So, okay, so, so start from the top.

Start from the beginning. Yeah. And one thing I do want to say about Giggly Squad is we'd love to say that we live and we learn, but we don't. We don't. We don't learn from each other's mistakes. We don't learn from our own mistakes.

And this is supposed to be a forum where we talk about our shared experiences so that other people can relate or not relate, and we learn collectively. And as the host of this show, we haven't learned a goddamn— not a goddamn thing.

Now, one thing about the Gigglers is they know me better than anyone, better than my own— almost my own mother who betrayed me last week.

Yeah.

Also, the hardest part about this was not telling the Gigglers, like, every second of the stream. It actually was driving me insane.

We had a call about it.

We had a little call about it. We had to cut, like, moments of the past two pods where I, like, started talking about it. But we— I'm like, I can't hold it in anymore. 2 weeks ago, I innocently went to get masseter dysport for my TMJ. Yeah, you guys know me, I don't do Botox. I, however, have gotten masseter Botox twice. You guys know that. And I went to a new place. Was it a Groupon?

No.

But was it— would I probably done more research if it was Groupon?

Was it under the umbrella of Groupon? Some would say it had the same energy.

Was it convenient and I didn't look up anything? Yes. So I get there and I'm like, I'd love to get some Botox. And the lady was like, what did you get last time? And I was like, whoa, I'm not a woman in STEM. Like, I don't— yeah, I have no idea what happened.

My chart, because I don't know. And she was like, we don't do charts here.

And I was like, of course you don't know. But she was like, is it Dysport? Is it Xeomin? Is it— but I was like, I literally have no idea. I'm not a Botox girly. I just, I clench my teeth really bad and I wake up with headaches sometimes because, you know, I'm a woman of the arts and I—

yeah, God forbid someone has a little anxiety around a little trauma.

And I— some people have it in their hips. I do too, but it's also in my jaw. And I did not know there were risks to this procedure. I've never heard of a risk. I didn't even know this could happen. So she uses dysphore, and she was kind of messing around a little too long back there, like, you know, when they're like making it, I guess. And I remember something in my soul was like, get out of here.

You had a gut feeling.

34 years old, the people pleaser in me, she's so strong. Even though no one's really pleased with me, she's still working hard. And I remember thinking like, what could go wrong? She's just like, what, your masseters are a little too weak, whatever. She puts it in. We're great. We're kicking. Thank you so much. Love you. Bye. I'm going to the US Open golf a couple days later. By the way, I'm great, living life. Actually, one of the highest moments of my life, probably. Things are going well.

Nice.

My friendships are great. My family's healthy and great besides Grandpa, and everything is working my career is doing well, and I was like, yeah, we're gonna have a spectacular summer. We truly are. And I wake up that morning and I try to smile and it, it feels kind of tight. And I thought I had like dry skin or something, and I— so I put lotion on, like, maybe I have dry skin. Yeah, that's so weird. So then I, I do this interview and I'm like still feeling kind of weird, and then I'm like, oh my God, is it possible that the poison that was injected in my face is now gonna ruin my face.

Would this be the repercussions of my own actions in real time? And it's a very humbling experience.

No. So then 2 days go by, I call Paige. She's like, what was your experience?

I was just in shock that you would just do this on a whim, go to like a new place randomly.

Does that shock you?

Kind of, because like, I— you want to know what? I look at you as my shepherd. Like, you're leading, and so once you've gone astray, I'm like—

but I'm not leading you in any beauty type stuff.

No, but you do lead in like sanity. Yeah, don't do that. That's That's right.

I was arguably getting a, um, medical procedure done. It was not cosmetic, it was literally medical. And I did not know this. I literally did not know this could happen. So I called Paige. Actually, it was really funny.

Do the smile. Let's like really take a look-see and a gander at what we're dealing with.

This is as much as I could smile, you guys.

And don't screenshot that page. So how dare you? I swear to God, I swear to God.

And also, you guys, don't make me the face of Botox mishaps. I, I love my natural face. I love my natural movements. And I remember telling the lady, I was like, by the way, I do on-camera stuff because I'm humble, you know? I'm not like, by the way, my podcast is, you know, very popular.

They don't care.

I said, it's on camera, I really need my face to move. She's like, yeah, it's Botox. It just— it just helps with the tension of your jaw. So I call the lady who did it, and she's like, hey, how y'all doing? And I was like, I'm kind of freaking out. The smile is kind of shorter than it should be. It's a bit wonky.

It's not for me, love. It's not with me.

So she— sweet, sweet, sweet girl. First she was like, it's going to get better, don't worry, like it'll get better.

And let me just preface, we would never shame the girls who did this to us.

Also, a girl's never done anything wrong, it was our choice. So this sweet girl, it was her birthday, perfect. But she— in the beginning it actually wasn't this bad. I just was like, I feel like something's off. And she was like, yeah, don't worry, just like smile a lot or whatever. I was like, cool, cool, cool. So then I told her, just in like 2 weeks, do you think it'll be better? Because, um, I actually have a huge job, job coming up in Toronto that I'm super excited about. And she was like, why didn't you tell me that?

She was like, 2 weeks, it's gonna peak, babe.

But also I was like, sorry, I didn't give you my resume. Like, I don't know, like you should always assume the person's face needs to work.

Yeah, is important in this, in this equation. Yeah.

And she was like, so it's a day? I'm like, it's 3 weeks of a gig. So she starts freaking out.

It's the last person you want freaking out.

I'm basically like, what can I do? And she's like, try to smile a lot. So then I go to a girl in West Hampton And she's like, look— and I've looked all over online— she's like, you have to wait it out, but I will try to put saline solution in your face. So then I go and get saline solution injected all in my face.

Yeah, did that help?

I don't think so.

Okay, now mind you, intermittently I'm getting FaceTimes where Hannah is giving me different facts. At one point she says, did you know that that's scientifically studied? If you can't smile, you will go into a depression.

Okay, so guys, this is the mental fatigue.

At one point, at one point she goes, I went back to the podcast when this happened to you and I listened more closely. I go, okay, good to know. When I was going through something You were like, yeah, yeah, you're vain, get over it.

So I go to Pilates, just trying to live a normal life, and I was kind of in hiding in West Hampton. But I go to Pilates and my Pilates instructor is laughing at me, but I'm like, whatever. So I'm about to start my Pilates class and the girl next to me is like, psst. Ooh, that was hard for me. Psst. I just, I just lost a muscle. Something just like fell off. I go, she goes, and I was like, and I was like, hey. And she's like, I'm a giggler. And I'm like, nice to meet you. And then I looked in the mirror and it looks like I was looking at her like, you fucking freak. Like, why would you talk to me? So we're like about to start and I'm like, by the way, I just got weird masseter Botox. I can't smile. I'm not being rude, I swear. And she's like, no problem, no problem. After the show, a bunch of—

after the show, no problem, you fucking bitch.

No, I'm literally like, nice to meet you. Thanks for listening to my podcast. And this is what's insane is I'm lowkey the smileyest person ever. Like, I would get—

smileyest.

I would get made fun of as a kid for like always giggling, always smiling to the point that like I smile too much. I'm never I've never been more aware. I love a mercy smile, a fake laugh.

You're a nervous smile.

I'm a nervous laugher. Yeah, I smile and laugh for everything. So then after the class, a bunch of Googlers came up to me, and I'm trying to navigate it, but in my head I can't process what they're saying because I'm thinking that they think that I'm being like not cool with that. Freak.

A freak. Yeah.

So then I tell all of them, but now I'm like, I'm— I feel like Lindsay Lohan and Mean Girls. I'm like, I can't stop talking about it. So like everyone I tell, I'm like, by the way, I even— and then the Pilates instructor threw me in the sauna and I'm just like in the sauna just like alone with my thoughts Googling it. And people are like, this happened to me and I couldn't smile for 6 months and I was in the darkest place of my life.

And then it's really— it is. It's very humbling.

I try not to look at the comments really ever because I don't like when comments like affect our creativity. But, um, right, I was like, let me just check the Giggly YouTube to see if people are on to me. And there was one person that was like, literally no shade, no tea, love Hannah, something's going on. Someone responded and was like, no shade, no tea, don't speak about women's bodies. She's probably going through something. It could be anxiety. Like she's going through really hard times.

Like, you just froze your face in anxiety. Like, you're so nervous you can't move.

But someone was so sweet. They were like, please, you don't know what Hannah's going through or why. And I said, period.

And that's valid.

There was more things like, guys, this is fucking weird. And then I'm, I'm a talker. Like, when something's worrisome to me or I'm stressed about something, I need to talk about it. So I'm— I feel like this is therapeutic for me because I've been— I've been hiding it because I've been trying to fix it.

Mhm.

And I also leave tonight for one of the bigger gigs of my life, for 3 weeks in Toronto hosting a TV show. Now, are there a ton of comedians who don't smile? Yes. A lot of male comedians, some stern female comedians. Are there a lot of celebs who get too much Botox and their face doesn't move? Yes. I have to navigate the next 3 weeks. The good news is I think after 3 weeks it'll loosen up a little bit. I have a very high metabolism.

Yes, you do.

I do. I'm—

and we know that you have short-term muscles. What are they?

Fast-twitch muscles.

Fast-twitch muscles.

Also, there's levels to this because now you guys realize I went to see my mom because I was in a dark place. And thank God for my family this weekend. They literally—

wait till my dad hears about this.

Gary's gonna fucking kill me. But low-key, like, I look so good mogging.

Yeah, I did point out at one point, I was like, your career occupation is comedian, just throwing that out there. So like, smiling is a prerequisite and part of the gig.

Unless you're, you're sarcastic, right? And some would say I'm funnier when I, when I don't laugh at my own jokes, which, you know, is my favorite thing to do.

Yeah, I mean, that's why I wake up in the morning.

Literally the only thing I do. Um, but it, it is getting better, I think.

Yeah.

Do you think it's better as from the last pod we did?

So the other night, I think I worded it as it's different. Okay, it's not as— your, your lip, your top lip at one point was really going up.

Yeah, it was going really high.

Yeah, it's definitely widened, which makes me think that these— their muscles are kind of like chilling out a little bit because we want it to be wider.

Sorry, I'm so depressed right now. I just— I actually was like, just breathe. And this is the thing: when stuff like this happens to you in your life, it's not about what happens to you, it's how you react to it. And have I reacted to it great?

No.

Have I been pushing people away because I can't stop talking about it? And have I been up all night on Reddit trying to find people who have experienced the same thing and actually not finding that many situations? This is extremely rare, what's happening to me. I don't know why it happened to me, but then I think big picture. I don't have cancer.

I thought you were going to say I don't have kids. It's like, okay, that took a turn.

Butter is alive. Yep. I still have my brain. I, I'm tan right now. And it's—

this is temporary.

Yes.

Wait, tell them what your mom said.

She was like, are you okay? And I'm like, this is me smiling.

Oh no, she goes, maybe don't, maybe don't smile.

Just don't smile. But it also makes me realize how, like, I feel like if I was a man, this wouldn't affect me as much. I feel like men go— I was even watching some, like, male basketball podcasts and, like, none of them smile. They all just kind of, like, talk shit and, like, no one's— they don't really laugh at each other that much. And I'm like, I just have to pretend I'm, like, a male podcaster.

They don't have as much criticism.

Well, women are always like, smile, smile, be pleasant, smile. But I'm also interacting with, like, Uber drivers and everyday life, everyday life. And I'm like buying something at the store and I'm like, they think I'm a bitch, bitch. The good news is my speech is like improving.

Me and Hannah were straight up role-playing last night because I was like, okay, give me a monologue and I won't look at you and let me see if it sounds different. And you sounded great.

Thank you. When I enunciate and speak slower.

Yes.

So anyway, the reason I went to hang out with my parents this last weekend was for emotional support, and thank God they were there for me. They were amazing. But that's why my mom was like, maybe you come watch me do the national anthem. And I was like, I need to get out of the house. Like, I have to stop ruminating about this. And that's why when I was running and going through all that torture, there was like other levels to it that I was upset about. Mind you, I posted the photo of the 5K my mom tricked me into running, which we'll post on the YouTube or Apple Video if you get it. Everyone was mad about my shoes.

Oh honey, I didn't even see them.

Everyone's mad about my shoes. They were my Coco Gauff tennis shoes that I wore because I thought we were walking to the race. Also, yes, I was holding two Arizona Iced Teas and a banana because they were free.

Who's mad about two Arizona Iced Teas and a banana? That sounds like anytime someone says Arizona Iced Tea, I'm in. Yeah, yeah, I'm in. Yeah, I'm coming.

Yeah, Arizona Iced Tea, I've never had.

Yeah, have a sip.

Never finished one. Do you know how fucking big some of them are?

Mass—

they're huge, like bazookas. So, um, that's why I also look so miserable, because I can't smile. So it was like, it was a lot. But I do have to say, even though I've made fun of my mom so much, she's been my rock in all of this. And Lenore has been very, very great about it. Like, because you know when you're You don't want to stress other people out, you know?

See, when I was going through this, I was like, everyone should be at the same exact stress level I'm at because this is a code red, people. We have a serious problem on our hands.

This is emergency press conference, code red. I need the Gigglers' love and support more than ever right now.

You know what they say, like, like something bad happens to your life and like the world just keeps spinning and like people just keep going about their days. That's how I felt. I was like, guys, how are you waking up and going to work? I can't move my mouth.

No, it's crazy. Also, not to have like a high thought, but like how you can experience life so differently. Like my life right now is literally just me navigating my smile and that's all I care about. That's all I think about. When I talk to someone, I look at their smile and you guys, I— it's like when you have a cold and you're like, I would give anything to be able to breathe through my nostril right now.

Yeah.

That's how I feel. I'm like, if I could smile again, I, I don't care. But then I—

Humbling, and it puts life into perspective. I truly think it was like a sign from God to both of us, like, don't do it. I told you not to do it. Yeah, you guys went and did it, and, and it's not for you. I don't think it's for us because I think there is this larger plan that we are like amazing actresses and we must be able to move our face. We must have to have expression.

We must. Also, I was afraid I put a hex on myself because the Knicks won.

Sometimes I feel like people, like, siphon my energy and they get the outcome that I actually deserve.

This is like out of some karmic shit you did because, you know, I've been clean.

Okay, so now I'm getting blamed for your karma.

Okay.

Because I don't have enough of my own to deal with.

No, we are fully connected right now. We're both on our periods. Like, we are the same thing.

Hannah and I also literally— Hannah got her period last night. I got mine this morning.

So this is insane, guys. I got— for the first time ever, I got my period on a red-eye. What does that mean?

Nothing. Wait, I went to my astrologer today.

Did you talk to them?

Yeah.

What'd they say about my smile?

Oh yeah, you're a fuck. He started it out saying, everyone goes into 9-year cycles. The hardest years are year 2 and year 7. You are currently in your year 7. And I was like, perfect.

But I feel like you've been having a good year.

I feel like I have been too. And he was like, but I rather you be in your bad year now because it's like, and it's like coming, it's almost over. Because next year is like the best, most amazing year for you. And I was like, amazing. And he was like, your manifestation powers next year, off the charts. He recorded it and he sends it to you, and I'll put his name in our newsletter. It was transformational. It was one of the best readings because I haven't had a reading with him in 6 years. He goes, the last time I talked to you was 2020. And I was like, which is crazy because it feels like yesterday. And everything he said in that reading, like, happened. He was like, how motivated were you, like, months after we talked? And I was like, my career completely changed, and I broke up with my boyfriend. But he was like, it was one of the most transformational things that you needed to go with— go through to, like, get this motivation.

Did you learn anything else new?

I learned that, um, what did I learn?

You actually—

$500 later, I have to relisten because you like black out when you're doing it because it's so much information. Here's the thing, sometimes when you're going to like psychics or mediums or astrologers, you have to like come up with your own questions. And whether you're doing it for like 30 minutes or an hour, this This guy talked— I'm not kidding, this guy talked for one full hour. He was like, stop me at any time if you have questions.

Is he also like a medium or he's just reading your chart?

Astrologer. He's reading my chart.

Astrologer.

I'm trying to think of like certain— he just said like certain things about my—

not one thing about me. Nothing about partnerships, nothing about business partnerships, nothing about giggles, nothing about smiles.

Um, this sport Yeah, he did say that like next year, because it's my manifestation year, it's just like everything I've ever want— which is like Giggly Squad. He did say things about like Giggly Squad this year. I'm gonna have to offline about something. I have to re-listen. Okay, because I blacked out during it.

And sorry, I put you on the spot. I put you on the spot. Also, it's HIPAA. Like, that was crazy of me.

Also, you know, like, that was a doctor.

That was insane.

Yeah, like, we talked about my fertility.

It was like— that was insane.

He said that there was one unique thing in my chart because he was like Yeah, typically I can see when motherhood— like where there's a gap in a chart that would mean like that's when you're starting to have kids. He was like, because motherhood is like such a strong part of your existence and like your chart, you can start— you have free range to start and stop whenever you want because once you start, it's your whole life. Like it's your— he was like, it's actually the first time you ever feel fulfilled.

No, I'm gonna— wait, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

He also said it's the first time I ever feel like my love is going to like something worthy of it, and I'm like, so Scorpio.

You are so— no, I'm gonna cry. You're gonna love your baby so much. Not as much as Daphne, but like, you will, right? You will.

So anyway, there's that. He did say there were 3 different spots where I could get married, and one was in 10 years, and I was like, Clip. Goodbye.

Bye-bye. I, um, I actually want to book him and he'll be like, can you please stop asking me about how long this sport lasts?

He does like, what's going on this year, what's happening this like next 3 months, and then like what's happening next year for you.

Anyways, I honestly feel like I have a huge monkey off my back just telling the Gigglers. I feel lighter than ever, but I need everyone— I've turned to religion. I've turned fully to religion. I need everyone to pray to Saint Anthony.

You want to know what it is?

To find my smile.

It's your karma from last pod when you said you were agnostic and God said, oh really? I think you'll be praying to me soon, bitch.

No, I'm fully religious. I'm, I'm Mormon. I believe in Joseph White or whatever, salamanders. I believe in it all. And I need, I need the power of prayer. I need the nuns, the sister nuns. Hi, sisters. Hi sister, and you're so good at that, sister. Please, please pray. Are nuns allowed to get Botox?

I'm sure they're— I'm sure there's nothing in the Bible against it, but it seems like a material item that they wouldn't care about. Um, I saw this video today and it was this mom asking her daughter a question, and I want to see like what your initial answer is to it because I had my initial answer while I was watching it. And she asked her, if a guy came up to you and asked to ask you for help lifting something into his car, what would you say?

A stranger?

Yeah. What's your initial thought?

Hell no.

Yeah.

Nope.

When he says, yeah, hey, can you help me lift this into my car?

Well, okay, there's a lot of scenarios. When in New York City, if a man like even says like, can I have the time or whatever, I'm like, no thank you. I just say no thank you. Like, I don't want to be kidnapped.

Okay, say, let's say it's not New York City walking down the street, because you're right, that is like—

so this is like a neighborhood thing.

Let's say you're in a parking lot.

I say so sorry, I'm running late.

So sorry, I'm running late.

So sorry, I'm running late. Also just broke my hand.

Okay, that's so funny.

My hand's broken, sorry.

My first— I think the little girl said like, you don't have arms that work.

Oh, period. Slay.

But my initial reaction was, I just froze my eggs, I can't lift anything. That was the first thing I thought. Sorry, I have a doctor's note actually, and I can't—

Sorry, I just got my period on a red-eye. Um, also, I'm gonna be so real with you, I would, I would help him. Because I'm like not cool. Like, I would be like, sure. And then I'd be like, we'd be like, I'd be like, is there a head in that bag? And then I'd be like, can we just tell the song Giggly Squad? It's going to be so crazy.

But you— I think maybe you're helping because you didn't grow up in the suburbs where you didn't have to think. No, you grew up in New York City. What am I saying? You had way more dangers.

Oh, no. Danger's everywhere. I— if it— I would try to get the vibe, but also like, I'll fight. Like, I'd be like, I'd love to, I'd love to fight this man right now.

Well, because when I saw the video, I was— I had a, uh, memory of my mom used to do that to me all the time when I was younger. Like, if you ever went— yes, if we ever went shopping, just the two of us, which like that was all the time, but if we like left the mall and the sun was down and we were walking to our car, before we would leave the mall, she would get her keys out, put them in between her fingers and say, okay, you have to be alert. I mean, this started from like 5 years old. You have to be alert when you're in a parking lot. You can't— like, you have to— I mean, this was before phones.

This definitely didn't like help your anxiety though, but continue. She's— she's—

you know, you take on the nervous system of your mother, and let me tell you, parking lots are not good for us.

She became fully Wolverine. Kim Wolverine.

She goes, if someone comes up to you, you say absolutely not. Like, she would grab my hand, like, with her other hand, and she'd be like, you just have to get to the car, you open the door, you don't talk to any— like, it was very much a routine.

There's a crazy story about my papa in Brooklyn in, like, the '50s, I guess. And there's a story about— he said he was walking down the subway and some guy was walking up and he didn't like how the guy was looking at him. Like, he felt like the guy was going to, like, rob him or something.

Something.

So he broke his nose. And I, I was like, Papa, I feel like there were steps. Like, what if the guy actually, like, what if he got weird Botox in his eye and that's why he looked like— and he was like, well, I didn't want to find out.

I'm like, is that The other day I'm in Albany, I'm going on a walk in a park. My parents walk in a park. I'm with my mom, my brother's girlfriend. We're like walking all next to each other. This guy— there's also like buildings around this park that are like convention center, like some like random whatever. This guy like is coming around the corner from one of the buildings, but he's walking at me with a swift pace and I couldn't see his hand and his hand looked weird and I like was looking over my shoulder like every 2 seconds because I didn't— he was like really coming close, whatever, passes me and like keeps going. And I just like looked around and I was like, guys, did anyone else think he was coming to stab me?

Also, I love how you're like, he was trying to stab me, like not all you guys, like don't be jealous. What guy?

Like, I go, that guy looked like he was coming up from behind me and was gonna stab me in the side.

Eyes and ears, stay alert.

And the only person that came to my defense who was behind me was my brother, who said, "I saw that guy, I was watching him." I said, "Mm, 'cause he looked like he had a knife." I do think that growing up in New York City, there's so many crazy people running around, like, just with knives all the time that you're just kind of like— They're just wielding them.

You're just wielding knives at, you know, 7:00 AM on a Tuesday in Times Square. And you're just kind of like, just stay alert. Um, and but I've gotten myself in a lot of stupid situations.

One more thing that I just remembered about my astrologist, he said that your 3 signs also have attached like child, teenager, adult. Oh, and this was like when people say like, you, uh, oh, I have an old soul, that like really does mean something. Like you could legit have an old soul. All 3 of mine are adult. And he was like, you really don't like nonsense.

He was—

and he also said like, there's no part of me that's like a baby. So like, I'm never a crybaby. If there's any time where I'm like feeling bad for myself or feel like a baby, I snap out of it immediately because I'm like, get over it.

I'm kind of obsessed with you being born and you're like, I don't do that wah wah wah shit.

Well, he goes, were you really mature as a child? And I was like, I literally was like, I'm not playing outside, that's for kids. I have business to do. I'm a businesswoman. I literally created a fake company.

You're like, sorry, don't do choice time, I have meetings.

I was like, I'm not playing house, I have a board meeting in the living room.

Get it together.

Like, what? It was called Teeter-Totter Company and I ran it. Like, I—

that's so Funny. That's so interesting. Yeah, that's so, so interesting. Like, because like some people will always identify as children.

Yeah. And I don't.

You know what's weird? And this isn't a brag because I really think like we— me and you both need to cry more. I haven't cried once during this experience. I think more because I deal with self-hate more than sadness. So I've more just been angry at myself. I've just been like, you stupid Stupid dumb bitch.

Host of the podcast Giggly Squad deals with self-hate. I guess it's not all giggles.

Well, no one wants to admit it's a mental health pod because we don't market it that way. We don't market it that way because that'll scare people, because no one wants to talk about their mental health. We're out here doing it. I did see something that upset me. We were talking about Javier Bardem. Yes, he's shooting a movie like making out with Kate Hudson all over New York City right now. I don't know how actors do it.

Let's talk about it.

Like, if I was Penélope Cruz and I saw Kate Hudson, who we love by the way, my other bestie, yeah, all over my husband pretending to be in love, I'm like, that you guys are all in fake relationships. You're all cheaters, you're all in open relationships, and just being like, oh, I'm just pretending to make out with him, it's not real, I'm just pretending. If I had a nickel. And you know me, I'm a trustworthy person. I'm not— I don't think everyone's cheating, like, I always believe people. Absolutely not. Yeah, how would you deal with your man having 3 weeks where he's just like in love with Kate Hudson, making out, kissing?

No, no.

And he goes, babe, this is my job. No, let's do role play.

I'm literally getting emotional and annoyed. You're not going—

babe, I've been— I went to— I went to France to study acting to get this role with this amazing director. I— and I need to— yeah, it happens to be Kate. Kate and I are friends. Kate and I are just friends.

When I say I think all people are cheating, I don't really mean that. I do— I think there are more professions that lead and lend itself to cheating. Like, okay, if you're a professional athlete, 9 times out of 10, I kind of think you're cheating or you have cheated or whatever. If you're an A-list actor, yeah, I think that like maybe you probably have also. I think it has to be something that— it's such a unique situation that has to be talked about way before you get married. I mean, the only thing is, is that they're both actors. So they both have this brain and have been in situations where they have to do this. So I don't think they see it. Here's the other thing, we've never been in a situation where we've been in a movie or a television show where we're making out with someone. I just, like everything else, I imagine that it becomes so mundane and analytical in terms of—

I think they're a little freaks. I think they're a bunch of little freaks.

See, I don't I think in some situations, yes, but I think the majority of the time it is really work.

Like, if he came home every night being like, oh, fucking Kate, she's so annoying.

I actually think that's a red flag. Oh, I think if he's coming home and complaining about someone, I actually don't like that.

I'm playing chess— checkers. You're playing chess.

I'm like, wait, she's like this much in your head that you like have feelings of dislike toward her? You should feel nothing.

Oh, you're You should feel nothing, period.

You should feel nothing.

Write that down, guys. Write that down.

Yeah. No, my man is not coming home from work and telling me some story about some woman that like is—

I think we're both correct in this, in that—

yeah, as always, it's just if—

because there's been multiple movies that people fall in love, like Brad and Angelina. Um, also I did like one shoot with like a male model for tennis, and we had to like be like smiling at each other. And like, there was like 5 minutes and I was like, is that my husband?

That's the equivalent of like an airport crush. Yeah, it's like, because in the moment and it's gonna be over soon, and I don't actually have to know this person because he is probably a loser freak, but like right now he's hot and he's my husband in the airport.

But that's why you cheat, because you're like, I have a full family at home this guy seems fun. Also, Paige, you did all those like romantic covers for like novels. Did you ever have like— I mean, I know you're like 16, but like were there other teenage boys that you had to like take photos with?

You know what, no, I never did any modeling with boys.

That was in your contract. Kim put that in the contract. No.

Yeah. Oh, you know what, there used to be this one store. I don't even know if it's a store still. It was called Bob's, like department store.

Bob's, not Bob's Discount Furniture.

No, different, 'cause it sold clothes. And I remember I had like a week-long shoot in New York and there was a boy my age, I have no idea what his name is, I could never even tell you what he looked like, but of course I had a crush on him, yeah. Of course, we had to hold hands. I had never held hands before. I said, yeah.

Can you hold mine now?

Basically, yeah, and then I grew up and I said that in a scene. Um, do you think Penélope Cruz is at home being like, she's blonde, Kate's blonde, so he's not?

I know for a fact that Penélope Cruz is actually acting right now, and in like a romance of her own that she's acting. Like, they're both doing the same thing. That's their job.

You know the character of the person that you're marrying. You know deep down in your gut if they're gonna cheat on you or not, I feel like. And I also feel like, you know Maybe because I'm just crazy intuition-wise, you know when something's off.

I just also think people in Hollywood are inherently like super insecure because they have to have— they have to be famous and have people think they're amazing. So like, that doesn't bode well for like having a relationship where the person's constantly making out with other A-list actresses or actors.

I love the word bode.

Actually, I'm obsessed that I said that. I've never said that before in my life.

No, like, I'm sick. I love that. Like, Bode. Well, it's just like, that could be the name of your son.

Bode.

Bode. Wait, you know what I want you to name your daughter? And you know what it is, but you won't do it.

What?

Ryan.

Oh, that's—

I want a girl named Ryan. I know. And so it goes so well for your family.

I like the name like Stevie and Scotty and like Frankie for girls, but I don't want them to have to be like, my name's Francine, but call me Frankie. Like, I'm really obsessed with them not having to waste like those seconds of their life constantly.

You know what I think about a lot? We're at the age now where like our friends are naming kids, we're thinking about kids' names. Like, kids are around, we're at the age When I was younger, I would always think like, oh my God, when it— when it's time for me to name my kids, am I not going to be able to pick this name because I know someone this name? And like, now I'm at the age and I'm like, yeah, I could never name a baby that because I cringe at just the like sound of it.

No, it's bad because especially when you've like dated a bunch of guys, they ruin every baby name for you. Yeah, because then next thing you know, you're like, okay, now it reminds me of the guy who used to yell at his grandma. Like, now, like, I can't just enjoy the name.

There was a baby name that I thought was so cute and I like always loved this name and I don't know, I was like dating someone and I like went through his phone or something and he was like texting a girl with this name and I was like, I was like, I thought you ruined my baby name. I remember being so pissed. I was like, no, because I— and then I was like, no, I'll forget about it. I'll forget about it. No, I didn't forget.

I didn't forget. Also, I date guys with names that I like. Like, I don't date guys with weird-ass names. So like, literally every good name I've fucking— I fucked.

Well, what are we supposed to just be out here changing men's names?

Well, but then it's like, what if I have a son and then that guy's like, Wow. She's obsessed with me. She named my son, her son after me.

And you're trying to think if I've ever dated someone with, like, a weird name. Oh, well, yeah. Do you know I dated someone one time named Desmond? Yeah.

How have you never told me that?

I feel like I have. I was in college.

Wait, did you date my husband? Is this where you drop it?

I mean, he was Irish. I dated for like a summer. Like, when I tell you, it was like the girliest college summer fling ever. It was like—

did he have an Irish accent?

No, but he had like blue eyes, brown hair. He would like come to the door and like ring the doorbell to pick me up for dinner. Oh my God, it was like a real summer fling. I think I was like 20.

So cute. Anyway, why is Cannes every week?

Like, what's everyone— all of a sudden, I— one day I woke up and everyone was just like, in Cannes, you didn't come to Cannes. I'm like, where, where did every— where— what's everyone doing? Surely not everyone needs to be there.

Also, it's not like next door. These— I'm like, you guys going across the world for a panel? This is a lot. This is a lot. You could do virtual, you know, you could do a Zoom.

I feel like I see something about Cannes and I'm just like, no, no.

But also Cannes, they just had the film festival and now they're doing like an advertising festival.

Everything's a festival.

There's a lot of festivals which are better than parades, I will say.

I just want to end here because I have been doing some like thoughts and reflection, and if there's one thing about me, I like to acknowledge when I've changed my mind because I think it's important to let women know that it's okay to change your mind. That's what growing and expanding, and that's what life is all about. And so I do think that there are certain situations where it is okay to say one thing and do the other, and I think there are situations where it's okay to be hypocritical. The more I think about it, the more I really put some thought into it, I actually kind of love that Taylor Swift's getting married at Madison Square Garden.

I thought you were gonna say you're getting Botox. Wait, so it's official? She's getting married?

No, I mean, I think so. That's like what the chatter has been.

Why not have some whimsy?

She's in the heart of New York City, arguably the best city in the entire fucking world. The energy just alone on that day will be so insane. I feel like that's like good karma. Madison Square Garden, she's performed there. It was probably a major highlight of her career. The first time she ever sold out Madison Square Garden. It's iconic. People from all over the fucking world know what Madison Square Garden is. The security detail would be so top notch. Not a single paparazzi would be able to get a photo or even get close to getting into the building. I think that's probably a massive peace of mind for her. Surely she has to think about people trying to like legit come and like—

what are they gonna do about the ice rink?

Now that I don't know. And then the other thing is she is a billionaire, so she has the capacity to hire anything she wants, do anything. She could make it look like a literal completely different place in there.

She better, um, invite the whole Knicks team. I think she will.

That's the other thing people are like, she's inviting 1,000 people. I kind of feel like that might be like a lie. I actually think it will be like a normal-sized wedding.

I heard that there's a lot of people being invited, like, really, it's going to be like a crazy spectacle. And I think good for her, like, lean in, have fun, do your thing.

Like, I'm exhausted. Like, I— like, I'm exhausted.

I love how like halfway through she's like, we should have just eloped, this is kind of fucking crazy.

Yeah, I mean, just personally, the older I get, if I like think about like what my wedding could potentially be, I do feel like it gets chiller and chiller.

Oh, for sure, for sure. You're like, let's do a brunch.

Like, I really do just think about my outfits. As long as I have enough things to change outfits, then I'm like, I don't really—

your wedding day is gonna be you doing a photo shoot for 3 fucking hours, different backgrounds.

I do have some type of cape idea that like, I'm like, where am I making this work? I have been ruminating on a cape for like years now.

No, you're gonna have to do a reveal. It's gonna be a whole thing. And then when the party actually starts, no one's gonna know where you are. People are like, 'How do I want this one certain drone shot?' Yeah, you're gonna get the shot and you're gonna get out of there, and then you're gonna be like, 'Guys, go home, this is weird.' Then you're gonna find it, you're gonna post, it's gonna be iconic, and you're like, 'Amazing, we got the shot.' And your husband's like, 'We didn't even say I do.' Yeah, he's like, 'You skipped the whole ceremony, babe. She's like, we're good, we're good.

Um, okay, so here's what we're doing for the weekend. We're just like wishing Hannah well. We're like, make— we're just like, we're sending good vibes, positive energy.

I honestly like, I could cry right now just thinking like, having the Gigglers know what I'm going through makes me feel less alone because I felt really alone this last week besides my mom who betrayed me and you. And my husband and my cat, who— Butter never smiles, and everyone— I mean, people talk shit about Butter though. But also, one quick announcement too, to make me feel better: Dez's Hulu special drops.

Oh yes, I dropped today.

Bring that up on Friday. Go watch Dez's special. If you feel weird watching just like a man get another man that you know in your life, um, it could be your dad, it could be like Probably, yeah, your— if you have a boyfriend. If you don't have a boyfriend, like, good, good job. Um, a man you met once, just like send him the link. I don't know, but, um, everyone watch it and message him and tell him your favorite jokes because we support one man in the arts in this family.

I DM'd Des, but I didn't know what to say, so I just did the hands up emoji.

He probably loved it. Two Scorpios trying to show affection.

Yeah, I was just like, good job, good job over there.

Um, I love you guys. Thank you for not— for giggling.

Thank you for taking the time.

Thank you for taking the time at our emergency press conference, and we'll keep you posted. And things are going to get better. Life, life can be hard sometimes.

Bye.